All language subtitles for 9JKL s01e14 Heavy Meddling.eng

I love breakfast. It's my favorite meal.

Although, then lunch comes along,

and it gives it a
real run for its money.

Andrew, you've barely eaten anything.

Are you sick?

Eve and I have a black-tie event tonight

and I'm eating light so
I can fit in my old tux.

Your wedding tux?

Prom tux. I'm going for it.

(LAUGHS) (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, that's probably Helen from 4G.

Josh, would you get rid of her for me?

Yeah, sure. I thought you liked Helen.

Well, I do, but lately she's been

- so opinionated and dramatic.
- So are you.

Well, yes, but there's only room
for one of us in this building.

Oh, Josh.

Oh, my God, Lauren Harris.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I haven't seen you since...
- Camp Meskota.

- That's right.
- Yeah.

I'd give you a proper Meskota greeting,

but looking back, that
whole war-dance bit

may have been a little
culturally insensitive.

Yeah, well, only to the actual Meskotas,

- who did live across the lake.
- Right.

- (LAUGHS)
- You got your braces off.

Yeah, well, when I was
13 and then again at 25.

Wear your retainer, folks.

- (LAUGHS)
- And your acne cleared up.

Yeah, when I was 14.
Then again when I was 31.

It was a stressful year for me.

I forgot about your pimple years.

Mom, you must have a photo of that.

This could be a holiday card contender.

- (LAUGHS SNIDELY)
- Anyway, I'm sorry to interrupt.

My mom wanted me to return your book.

Oh, thank you, darling.

You want to stay for breakfast?

We've got eggs and...

Nope. I finished all the eggs.

Well, we've got bagels.

No, we do not.

- All right, we've got nothing.
- (CHUCKLES)

So, how you been?

I'm good. Better. Well,
I... I got a divorce.

- So did I.
- JUDY: Well, thanks for bringing back

the book, dear. Give
your mother my love.

I will. It was nice to see you all.

Great to see you, too.

Uh, Mom, since I've
moved back to New York,

you have set me up with Beefy
Barbara and Cross-Eyed Marie,

but that girl slipped your mind?

Well, after Curvy Barbara
and Optically Unique Marie,

you banned me from
meddling in your love life

and made me promise
never to set you up again.

Yeah, well, in this case,
I'll make an exception.

Can you get me Lauren's number?

I don't know, Josh. I
hate breaking a promise.

- Mom.
- Sure, I'll call Myra.

Thank you.

(LAUGHS) I found it.

Oh, Josh's ninth grade photo.

It's worse than I remembered.

(LAUGHS) It's like he shoved
his head into a beehive.

Yeah? Well, at least my
face is in the picture,

not cut off 'cause I'm
weirdly 20 feet tall.

(CHUCKLES)

Myra, it's Judy.

Phase one is complete.

The birds are in the nest.

? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ?

? Come on, won't you take me home? ?

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Judy, we need your help.

(GASPS) Those are my
five favorite words.

ANDREW: Our babysitter just bailed.

We need you to watch Wyatt.

Oh. Is that how we ask for things?

Mom, could you please
watch Wyatt this evening?

I can't. I have plans.

Why'd you make me ask again?

Oh, there's never a wrong
time to work on your manners.

I'm sorry, but my friend,
Irene Fishman and I are going

to a lecture called "Learning
to Love Yourself after 70."

Like emotionally?

No, sexually.

And now I need to take my
brain to be dry-cleaned.

You're awfully squeamish for a doctor.

I'm a human first.

We are so screwed.

We have to leave in a half an hour

and no one can watch Wyatt.

I can watch Wyatt.

I'd love to spend some
one-on-one time with my grandson.

Oh, wow.

Uh, that would be an interesting
thing to try for the first time ever.

Andrew, you want to take this one?

I'm on it, babe.

That'd be great, Dad, thank you.

Oh, wonderful.

I'd better make some coffee if
I'm pulling a nine o'clocker.

Andrew, I'm not sure I'm comfortable

with your father watching Wyatt alone.

He watches him all the time.

Yeah, with your mother, not by himself.

I mean, we're talking about
a guy who once fell asleep

on a ten-minute drive to Home Depot.

What's wrong with an older
man taking a little cat nap?

He was the one driving.

Well, this is different, okay?

He can handle a little babysitting.

Do you think the baby would
enjoy some peanut brittle?

Uh, he has no teeth and
he's allergic to nuts.

So is that a no?

All right, we're gonna walk him

through the entire bedtime routine.

It'll be fine.

- After you.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, I... I thought you said
you had a view of the park?

- ... ing lot.
- (CHUCKLES)

I, uh, might've purposely
trailed off so you'd come up.

Oh, well, I'm glad I did. I love it.

I also really love this jacket.

Hang on.

Oh, yeah, I knew it.

- It's from my favorite store.
- Oh, really?

Oh, Myra, it's working.

They're literally tearing
each other's clothes off.

I'm gonna go in and seal the deal.

(ROMANTIC ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello. Oh, hello.

I didn't know you two were out here.

The heat in my apartment won't shut off.

I had to cool it off a little bit.

Hi, Judy.

Hi, darling. Good to see you.

Well, you two have fun.

Not too much, though.

Only if you want to.

I... none of my business.
I'm just leaving now.

JOSH: Okay.

Sorry about that.

Oh, no, that's okay.

I love this music.

It reminds me of when I lived in Italy.

You lived in Italy? That's so crazy.

I've been learning Italian.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Well, I have the CDs but
haven't actually started yet.

(LAUGHING): Okay.

Well, do you at least know
how to say "Kiss me"?

No, I literally haven't
listened to a single... oh.

Myra, it's Judy.

It's done.

God, we're good.

(SOFTLY): All right, Harry.

So, we've already fed and bathed Wyatt.

Now, all you need to do is...

What? I could barely hear you.

(SOFTLY): Dad, Dad, Dad,
this... this close to bedtime,

we try to use a quiet, soothing voice.

Got it. You want me to talk like this?

- That's the exact same volume.
- Oh.

So, like this?

Literally no change whatsoever.

Anyway, uh, before we put him
down, we change his diaper.

Eve, I raised two children.

I know what I'm doing.

Yeah, Eve, he raised two children.

That was when kids
didn't wear bike helmets

and driving drunk was
considered a smart way

to save money on a cab.

Just give him a chance.

(SIGHS) Okay.

Um, the diapers are
located in that cabinet.

Right over there.

Okay.

It's jammed.

Oh, no, that's just the baby...

... lock.

Moving on.

After we change his diaper...

Wait, I want to write this down.

I know how particular the two
of you are about his routine.

That is a great idea, Dad.

See, honey? He wants to write it down.

HARRY: Well, hold on.

It's telling me to do something

called an "OS software update".

Oop, now I've opened the camera.

Ooh, I need to trim my nose hairs.

- Uh, I... I'm gonna do the update.
- Well, while we're waiting,

can we let Wyatt play
with my marble collection?

(SIGHS) You know what, Dad?

Ugh. I'm suddenly... I'm...
I'm not feeling very well.

We're not gonna need you
to babysit, after all.

Oh, that's too bad.

I was really looking forward to it.

Well, let me just say
good night to Wyatt.

- Good night, Wyatt!
- Aah...

(WYATT CRIES)

Guys, I've asked you
to get anything you need

from the Costco closet by 10:00.

I mean, what if I brought a girl home?

(LAUGHS) You see, this is
why I love shopping here.

The employees are so funny.

(LAUGHS) You're annoying.

And I just had a great
second date with Lauren.

Knock, knock.

Saying it is not the same as doing it.

Fine, I won't say it anymore.

I know it's after 10:00, but
I need a new jar of face cream.

And I'm having a yen for sesame sticks.

Right. You didn't come
to interrogate Josh

about his date with
your friend's daughter?

Andrew, what's meant to be will be.

I have no control over these things.

That is so respectful and
unlike you in every way.

What gives?

She's keeping her promise,
which I appreciate.

And for your information, Mom,

things with Lauren are going great,

without your involvement.

Well, you're welcome.

Well, I can't wait to meet her.

She's excited to hang out with you guys.

Hey, you want to come
out with us Friday night?

- Yeah. I like that idea.
- Yeah.

We can play What Does
This Woman See in You?

And I can babysit Wyatt.

You and Judy?

Oh, no. Friday is the second
part of my lecture series,

"Pleasing Your Partner".

And as her partner, I
don't want her to miss that.

You know, growing up,

my favorite person in the
world was my grandfather.

And I'm so grateful to have the chance

to have the same kind of
relationship with Wyatt.

Oh, Dad, so here's the thing...

Of course you can babysit, Harry.

Was that the grandfather
who taught you to smoke

and gave you your first beer?

Best ninth birthday ever.

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Coming.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Damn, someone spent some extra
time on the hair this morning,

and it's paying dividends.

Oh, thank you, I...

oh, you're talking
to Andrew, aren't you?

- Yes.
- Of course he was.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

All right, listen up.

My dad thinks he's here to babysit Wyatt

and you're here to fix the cabinet,

but really you're here
to babysit them both.

I don't follow.

Should I stay in the
bathroom during Wyatt's bath

or does the little guy like his privacy?

Okay, yup. No, now I follow. Yeah.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, my God.

You are so normal and cool.

Be honest.

Is this Josh's Make-A-Wish?

(LAUGHTER)

You ever instantly regret
agreeing to a double date?

- (LAUGHTER)
- ANDREW: Hey.

Judy must be so happy you
guys are hitting it off.

You know, she's acting
like she doesn't care,

but she's obviously thrilled.

The only thing Mom must not like

is that she can't exactly
take credit for setting us up.

ANDREW: Oh, Mom loves her credit.

She's always reminding me

that I got my hair from her.

But it doesn't matter
where I got my hair.

What's important is what I do with it.

- (LAUGHTER)
- JOSH: Wow.

Well, she can't take credit for us,

which is why she has issues with me.

Well, that's not the only reason.

There can be no other reason

because you're perfect.

- (CHUCKLES)
- JOSH: Anyway,

should we get another bottle?

Oh, none for me, thanks.
I'm going rock climbing

early tomorrow morning.

Hey, do you want to come?

It's this amazing new indoor
gym called Boulder City.

Okay, this is crazy.

I was just telling my
mother I wanted to go there.

Oh, well, my mom just
gave me free passes.

- That's so weird.
- (LAUGHING): Oh...

- What?
- Ah...

Think about it, dummy.

You tell Mom you want
to go to that place,

and her mom just happened
to give her passes.

Well, that could be a coincidence.

Yeah, though now that I think about it,

my mother was crazy adamant
that I return that book

between 9:00 and 9:30.

Which is exactly when my mother insisted

I come over for breakfast.

And that jacket I was wearing
from your favorite store?

She gave it to me last week.

ANDREW: Wait.

Mom still buys you clothes?

That's so lame, a... and unfair.

Oh, my God. She's the one who bought me

those Rosetta Stone
"Learn Italian" CDs.

And then she played the
music, which reminded me

- of living in Italy, which...
- Which led to our first kiss.

Dudes, you have been mom-nipulated.

(GROANS)

Well, what's the
difference how you got here?

You guys obviously like each other.

- That's not the point.
- That's not the point.

Then what is?

That my mother said she wouldn't meddle,

and she's meddled more
than she's ever meddled.

What do you suppose their
next move is gonna be?

I think the real question
is: what's our next move?

- What do you mean?
- I mean, how about we have a little fun with them?

Exact a little revenge?

Ooh, now we're talking.

Ooh, should you get me pregnant?

(LAUGHTER)

Don't be crazy, they would love that.

- Oh, right.
- (LAUGHS)

Don't be crazy, they would love that.

(LAUGHING): Okay.

Oh, thank God you are here.

You have no idea what I
have been through tonight.

I am straight-up frazzled.

Did Wyatt give you problems?

Oh, not Wyatt. Your dad.

First, he burnt the milk.

Then, he burnt his finger on the milk.

Then, he burnt his tongue

licking the burnt milk
off his burnt finger.

All I'm hearing is that my
father-in-law tasted my breast milk.

Look, your dad is like a
giant toddler on steroids,

eating everything in front
of him, breaking things,

having a fit when you won't

watch his show he wants to watch...

oh, and then there's the actual baby.

It has been nothing but mayhem in here.

Well, it seems quiet now.

Oh, yeah, well, once I swaddled him,

then he finally fell asleep.

- Wyatt?
- Mm-mm.

Knock, knock.

See, I don't mind if you just say it.

Ma, I have something
really exciting to tell you.

I think Lauren's the one.

(GASPS) I want a spring wedding.

Oh. Of course, it's none of my business.

Oh, God, it's gonna be the
happiest day of my life.

Of your life.

Of our life. (LAUGHS)

I want to move in with her right away.

Of course you do. When
you know, you know.

That's right, and
here's the best part...

- Yeah.
- We're moving to London.

London, New York?

London, England.

Lauren got an incredible job offer,

and I'm gonna do theater.

We're leaving this Friday.

Friday?

I agree, it's fast,
but like you just said,

when you know, you know.

Oh, so this is the time you
decide to start listening to me?

Everything just feels so
right. I mean, think about it.

If I hadn't been at
your place for breakfast,

or i... if Myra had just decided
to return that book herself,

I wouldn't have reconnected with Lauren

and be moving halfway across the world.

God, isn't fate funny?

(CHUCKLING): Oh. Hilarious.

Yeah.

She fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Let me know how it goes with your mom.

Josh is moving to London?

I'll tell you something, Nick.

This is the first time
I've ever considered

spanking one of my children.

You know, it's moments like this,

it's good Ernesto keeps
wine under the desk.

Myra and I are beside ourselves.

Talk about a colossal backfire.

You want red or white?

Do you have ros�?

You know I do, Mama Bear, you know I do.

Shame on me for creating
such a perfect union.

Shame on me for opening
myself to Josh like I have.

You know what I said? I said, "Nick,

you're gonna get hurt
again," and you know what?

I was right.

So was I.

It's my curse.

Sure, I'm an amazing matchmaker,

but at what cost?

I mean, just today, Josh invited
me to a Knicks game next Sunday.

And I got happy and excited...

Wait a minute.

He's going to London on Friday.

Why would he invite
you to a game Sunday?

'Cause he's a good man, and
now he's moving to London and...

oh, my damn, Mrs.
Roberts, he lied to you.

Oh, my damn, indeed.

Nick, it seems I am being played.

You know what happens
to people who play me?

What?

I don't know. No one's ever
had the balls to do it before.

All right, I just put Wyatt down,

and he should be asleep soon.

All right. Sex and then
Netflix, or Netflix and then sex?

Both at the same time?

- Yeah, I love that.
- (CHUCKLES)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey.

Uh, can I talk to you guys?

Of course, Harry.

I've been thinking about last night,

and I... I realized something.

That when swaddled tight
enough, you can sleep

for 16 hours straight
on someone else's couch?

That you guys don't think
I'm a good babysitter.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) What?

That's...

Andrew.

(SIGHS)

Dad.

You're a fantastic babysitter.

You can watch him any time.

Uh, no, I know why Nick was here.

And as much as I want
to spend time with Wyatt,

no... I'll just wait till he's nine

and take him out for a beer.

Sounds good, Dad.

(QUIETLY): We'll deal with it then.

Okay. I'm gonna go and
give him a kiss good night.

Okay.

Aw. Now I feel bad.

Yeah, me, too.

- Should we go?
- Yeah, we... we better.

Okay.

Oh, wait. No. Stop.

What?

He just wants to kiss Wyatt good night.

And he did raise you just fine.

Mm, he dropped me once, but
other than that, pretty solid.

Yeah.

So we should trust him.

All right.

Enough to watch on the monitor.

Yeah, okay.

HARRY: My grandfather used to take me

on the train to Prospect
Park in Brooklyn,

where we would eat snow cones
and go fishing for trout.

(CHUCKLES) Aw.

That's so sweet.

And someday I'm gonna take you there.

It's now a popular spot for
homeless people to bathe.

But still fun.

(LAUGHS)

You're a great kid.

Even if your parents
are totally neurotic.

Don't worry.

You'll be able to handle them
a lot easier when you grow up,

and I introduce you to a fun
little treat called marijuana.

Just kidding, you two.

I know you're listening.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Okay, right this way.

Mom? What's going on?

Oh, don't mind us, Sanjay's just
here to look at the apartment.

I'm sorry, Sanjay. I didn't realize

the current tenant would be here.

This apartment? My apartment?

Um, what is happening?

Well, since you two are
moving to London on Friday,

I wanted to get a jump
on renting the place.

Is this a bad time?

Oh, it's a perfect time. Take a
look at this spacious chef's kitchen.

Wow. She really thinks we're moving.

I don't think she does.

I think she's calling our bluff.

And you know what? I'm gonna call hers.

Cool. I'm gonna try
to find my underwear.

Cool.

Sanjay, I have to tell you something.

And what is that?

You'd be very happy in this apartment.

Huh?

I think I found 'em!

What's wrong, Mom?

Not a thing.

I also think that Sanjay
would be happy here.

So what do you say, Sanjay?

I'll take it.

You hear that, Josh? He'll take it.

I did hear that.

Great news, Lauren.

Sanjay's moving in.

So now what, Mom?

Now he signs the lease.

Oh. Okay. Like you prepared an actual...

- Here you go.
- You prepared a lease?

Uh-huh.

Um, what's happening?

What's happening is the
apartment's not available.

(LAUGHS) That's right.

The apartment is not available, is it?

Took the day off work to come here.

I got 'em. And I'm gonna go
put them on in the bathroom.

Sorry about this.

Used to it. Same brand of mother.

Right.

Why'd you say you were moving to London?

Because you pretended you
had nothing to do with this,

when, actually, the
whole time, you were...

Helping.

Meddling.

Josh, I just want you
to find the right girl.

I know you do, and I like Lauren,

but it's never gonna
work unless you back off

and give us some space.

You're right. From now on,

I'm gonna mind my own business.

You've said that before.

Well, this time I give you my word.

You gave me your word last time.

Well, this time I swear.

You swore last time.

Josh, no matter what I say,

we both know I'm gonna
do what I'm gonna do.

Well, you're nothing if not consistent.

And you are a worthy adversary.

I can't believe you
actually brought someone here

to rent my apartment.

(LAUGHING): I know, right?

- Yeah.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, that's my next showing.

Hello.

Good morning.

Thank you. This is nice.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

So how long do you think we have
before Lucy and Ethel barge in?

(LAUGHS)

Maybe an hour?

Good morning, lovebirds.

Nope.

We brought breakfast in bed.

Mm-hmm. And while we're
here, let's talk wedding.

I'll be wearing white.

That's non-negotiable.

Well, it was really nice
trying this with you.

You know, I think I'm
actually gonna move to London.

Good call.

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