All language subtitles for 30 Rock s02e15 Cooter.eng

This is it,lemon. Government.

The true seat of american power.

This is all happening so fast.

I mean,last week you were
at ge, and this week you're--

what are you in charge of exactly?

We're sharing the load. It's
a bit of homeland security.

they still have that?

Extreme weather preparedness
and the war on the poor.

You mean the war on poverty.

Yeah,okay, let's go with that.

So you're never coming back.

I'm sorry,lemon, but there's
nothing left for me at ge.

Sure,geiss could come
out of the coma and say,

"jackie boy, you're the next
ceo," but that's not likely.

The cryogenecists are already
sharpening their head saws.

Oh,this is all so weird.

It's making me sick to my stomach.

Lemon,it's 8:00 in the morning.

Are you eating thos
mexican cheese curls?

Hey,don't knock my sabor de soledad.

I found a prize in here
the other day... I hope.

Lemon,I have to go.

It's time for my freedom search.

Liz lemon,do these look
like wizard nipples to you?

Well,I don't know. Are the
lightning bolts suppos *********

********

oh,are these the characters
for your porn video game?

The working title is goregasm,colon,
the legend of dong-slayer.

sorry about the wizard, tracy.

I'll call the korean animators.

Yeah,you fixulate this!

I'm sorry.

Liz lemon,do you know what it's like to
be the only one who cares about your job

when everybody else around is
goofing off like a bunch of goof-offs?

Yes.

Emotions.

- You having your woman times?
- What? No!

I just had my woman
times last-- oh,boy.

-=www.ydy.com/bbs=-
proudly presents

-=www.ydy.com/bbs=-
sync:������

30 Rock
Season02 Episode15

why don't I cross out the
days like people in the movies?

I think you're supposed to
take all of them. Like,in a row.

Thank you,cerie, but I've been
sexually active since I was 25.

mr. Hornberger?

I was wondering if I could ask you
to write a recommendation for me

to be a page at the x-x-I-x
summer olympics in beijing.

Sure,kenneth.

Have you ever wanted to go to
the olympics, mr. Hornberger?

I almost went once.

Bad news,archers.

President carter has decided
to boycott the moscow games.

Peanut farmer.

Anyway,I was wondering when you
were gonna come to me for this.

You know the applications are due today.

Today,sir?

The memo I got said they
were due in two weeks.

No,it's today at 5:00.

I have to write my personal essay!

Donny?

Parcell. Thought you'd be
coming out of that door.

Did you get my memo about the olympic
applications being due two weeks from now?

Saboteur!

Looks like you'll be staying
here in new york all summer--

fighting the crowds,
smelling the hot garbage,

while I travel to
beautiful, breezy beijing.

The day's not over yet.

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

Hey,you must be jack donaghy.

Cooter berger, vice chair of farm
subsidies, acting head of fema,

temporary acting head of the fbc
while the acting head is on trial.

Wow,you've had a lot of shake
ups around here lately,huh?

I couldn't disagree with you more.

The administration has been streamlined.

And the media are so obsessed with the current
election, they've completely forgotten we're here.

It's an exciting time.

I'm glad to hear it. I don't like to
think of this president as a lame duck.

I like to think of him as a lame eagle.

The ceiling appears to be leaking.

No,it's not. We've looked
into it and it's not.

If you have any questions, I'll
write down my extension for you.

Do you need a pen?

Nope,I've kind of gotten used to it.

You don't have pens?

We're not in a recession.

Boy,we've got to crack the
whip around here,cooter.

You don't have pens.
The roof is leaking.

No,it's not. I'll show you the study.

Hey,we have a meeting with the
appropriations committee,like,now.

Oh,no,I'm not prepared.

I know. I'm not drunk
either. But we'll manage.

Mother!

oh,I'm sorry.

I don't know why I even came up here.

I mean, I know jack's not here.

Boy,I am really going a little crazy!

I don't supposed you want
to be my sounding board.

You're busy. I'll
come back another time.

Warrior,you have defeated the snake elf.

Now join me in the orgy chamber.

The poets will sing of this night.

Stop,stop! It's not working.

It's not--not you,grizz.
You're doing great.

I memorized all my lines at home.

But,jenna,you're not doing good acting.

Don't overthink it. I don't need
another judi dench situation.

Now let's just skip ahead to the
list of player sensuality options.

These avatars need to be able
to do anything to each other.

Touch my cheek.

- Touch my chest area.
- Now give me a little robot.

- Touch my butt.
- Now like it's a secret.

Touch my knees.

- Sexy,yes.
- Touch my knee spot.

- Good.
- Touch my feet with your knees!

Now that we're in the zone, I want
you to give me some random sex sounds.

wonderful,wonderful. Let's
take it again from the top.

This time,let's record!

Hey,jack,it's liz.

Um,maybe you're busy spreading
democracy. Anyway,give me a call.

Things are happening!

Our first order of business,

the city of portland has requested
$9 million to shore up its dam system.

I can't support that.

"Damn" is a swear word.

I'd support it if instead of
dam we called it a "god finger."

Randall,must you bring
religion into everything?

We need pens.

Excuse me?

Gentlemen,madame,we all know
that rome wasn't built in a day.

Well,that's one theory.

But...

we have a chance to make
this country great again.

We need hope. We need change.

We need experience.

We need pens.

Kenneth, where have you been?

I had to put on my jeans by myself.

I'm sorry,miss maroney.

I'm trying to finish this
application for beijing.

Did someone say "donny?"

- No.
- No.

Oh,it's pretty muffled in there.

You'll never get that
application done in time,parcell.

You should just give up!

I will not fail,Chief
Errand Boy Donny Lawson!

I was told there would be no nudity!

That's the only thing i
know how to say in chinese.

Four and a half hours, hee-haw.

Donny's right.

I'll never finish this
application in time.

The personal essay is
way harder than I thought,

'cause it' not in my
nature rag on myself.

Not even a backdoor brag?

Whr brag?

It's sneaking something wonderful about
yourself into everyday conversation.

Like when I tell people it's hard for me to
watch american idol because I have perfect pitch.

Now you try.

It's hard for me to watch american idol

because there's a water
bug on my channel changer.

It's no hmm?

Oh,no.

Someone's gonna get
more attention than me.

That was amazing.

"Give us pens." I mean,how do you do it?

Cooter,I used to work
for a man named don geiss.

He taught me how to be proactive.

I'm going to teach you the same thing.

I'm so happy you're here.

I haven't felt this energized at work since the
two weeks where they tried to teach us farsi.

- Cool phone.
- Excuse me.

Jonathan.

- Geiss spoke.
- What?

He's not out of the coma, but he spoke.

What did he say?

He said,"jackie boy."

Cooter,this is my letter of resignation.

Would you make sure that it
gets into the right hands?

What? No,no way.

What do you want to do that for?

I just received a very important
phone call. I've gotta get back.

But we were gonna do
great things together.

Look,the leak's stopped.

I have to get back to new
york. This is my only chance.

Resignation denied.

You can't deny my resignation.

Actually,I can.

As acting head of the fbc, I oversee the
ewpc, and I'm denying your resignation.

You'll stay here and serve your country.

The head of ge serves this country.

He provides jobs. Fuels innovation.

He brings good things to light.

Cooter,I'm begging
you. Please let me go.

Hey,it's not up to me.

Even if I let you
resign, my boss wouldn'T.

They don't want people
leaving here anymore.

You're not going anywhere,buddy!

Hey,the pens are here!

Usa! Usa! Usa! Usa!

Hello,friend.

- Oh,my god, you're pregnant.
- What?

Yes. How can you tell?

I just can.

People always underestimate my
instincts because of my looks.

This is no time for backdoor bragging.

I'm just so happy for you.

- This is what you wanted.
- Yeah,but not like this.

Why not like this,liz?

As my mom used to say, "you
never want this to happen."

- Have you called floyd yet?
- What?

Floyd--you couldn't ask for a
better guy to make a mistake with.

Oh,no. It is floyd,right?

Those margaritas were strong.

Can you come inside? I need
a couple light bulbs changed.

Pfft,yeah!

oh,my god.

How could you have slept with dennis?

It was before he tried to
throw me under the subway train.

Oh,my god!

Oh,so you're the only person in the
world that's allowed to make sex mistakes?

You had a three-way with
roseanne and tom arnold.

That was two years ago.

Fine,so I made one extremely
unfortunate coupling decision.

So what are you gonna do?

Well,obviously dennis can't be involved
because he is a class "a" moron.

So I am just gonna be
a kick-ass single mom.

Like erin brockovich or sarah connor.

Listen tyorectually excited about this.

Yeah,I am.

Even though it's dennis',
I must really want a kid.

Go to the doctor and get a
blood test so you know for sure.

And while you're there,
try get me somedderall.

I'm trapped here. I can't believe this.

Well,I can't believe the best friend
I've ever had would try and leave me.

Cooter,look at this place.

This can't be what you want in life.

Haven't you ever thought of leaving?

Of course. Every day.

Every day for two years.

Look at these resignation letters.

They're written in ketchup,
dirty rock,leak water.

And now you're here. You're here
and everything's gonna be better.

Now we've got pens. Glorious pens!

Oh,my god. Oh,my god. They're caps.

Nothing but caps.

- Cooter- -
that's not my name!

My name is james reilly.

Cooter berger? What do you
think I am, a cartoon dog?

The president named me that.

He gave you two nicknames?

"Cooter" because I look like a turtle

and "berger" because he saw
me eating a hamburger one time.

We have toet out of here.

Now that's the spirit.

But if they're not taking
resignations, there's only one way out.

We have to work together to get fired.

It wasn't even a hamburger.

It was a sandwich.

- Hello,elizabeth.
- Dennis,what are you doing here?

I don't have to explain myself to you.

Look,I told my mom i got a job,

so I've been coming here for the
past couple weeks during the day.

- What?
- How come you're not at work?

Because foot my computer--
no,why am I-- thiss my apartment.

- There something you want to tell me?
- No.

elizabeth,this is melinda
from dr. Bouvier's office.

We'll try to reach you again later.

I know that message
and I know that tone.

Every one of my sisters got that message
junior year in high school-- you're pregnant!

- What? No!
- Really? All right.

Enatal vitamins. Yeah,I
know what "prenatal" means.

Pre,"before." Natal,"ruined."

- Oh,my god.
- All right, first things first.

We're gonna have this baby at the same hospital
i was born at on coney island. All right?

Oh,my god!

Secondly,if it's a boy, we're gonna name
him morpheus like that guy in the matrix.

If it's a
girl--ooh,yeah.

I used to boff this chick named
judy, and I would love to honor her.

Get out of my apartment.

Don't talk to me like that.

- Morpheus hears everything that you say.
- Out!

Your boobs are gonna get bigger.

You must have been such a pretty monkey.

What's that,miss maroney?

It's your personal essay, kenneth.

Ohhello. I didn't see you there.

I was just thinking about
my friend,kenneth parcell,

and how much he personifies
the olympic spirit.

He's involved in charity work.

- You needed me, miss maroney?
- Yes.

Kenneth,can you take this money to the
many charities i support anonymously?

Of course.Oh,miss
maroney, this is empt--

he knows the importance
of physical fitness.

I mean,he can lift almost 100 pounds1

* Mind,body,spirit kenneth, *

* I see myself in you *

* so brave *

* so ready to be all that you can do *

* so beautiful in every way *

* I see myself in you *

miss maroney, thank you!

I have 20 minutes. I'm gonna make it!

I see myself in you.

Oh,kenneth,someone was looking for you.

They need 12 boxes of
copier paper on stage one.

Duty before self.

I will not fail you,Rainbow Chicken.

whatever we come up with
has gotta be wasteful,

embarrassing to tion, and
upsetting to the voters.

Holy smoke!

What have you got?

In 1994, the pentagon explored the possibility
of a non-lethal chemical weapon thque,

uce enemy soldiers coosture by
making them totally gay-nes for eaer."

How gay?

It doesn't say. The project was
abandoned in the planning stages.

Of course it was.

It would've been expensive, impractical,

and offensive to both the red
states and the gayer blue states.

This is exactly what we're looking for.

A guaranteed disaster.

Like eating a burrito before sex.

But where would we get the money?

No congressman in his right
mind would support this.

Don't worry,I've got
a friend in congress.

But not your best friend,right?

Yo,frank.

Oh,my god.
Is that--

yes.It's just the prototype.

But I want you to be
the first to play it.

- Tell me what you think.
- This is such an honor.

I got anadal filth by" credit.

You earnt.

Good job,parcell.

Too bad it cost you a trip to china.

Wait a minute. Who's this paper for?

No one!

Looks like you only have 30 seconds to
get your application to the 27th floor.

And you're not gonna make it.

Run,kenneth,run!

Oh,mommy!

He knows!

Oh,god,call me,jack! This is a disaster.

This baby's gonna have a father.

Look out!

What?

A gay bomb?

You dragged me out
of a meeting for this?

I was gonna meet bono.

C.C.-- Representative
cunningham.

We'll keep this professional.

I did certain things for you in bed
that you were going to reciprocate,

but then we broke up before my birthday.

So you owe me.

This could take weeks to get approved.

I'll take my chances.

And that would mean I'd be
spending my birthday here, so...

all right,I will help you ged.

Yes! I am so on a roll.

No crying in my bath tonight.

hey,jack,it's liz.

Um,maybe you're busy
spreading democracy.

Anyway,give me a call.

Things are happening!

Hey,it's liz lemon. Funny story.

I think I'm pregnant
with dennis duffy's baby.

Thought you'd be super proud.

Oh,in a way, it's what I wanted.

Yeah,it's gonna be fine.

He knows! Oh,god,call
me,jack! This is a disaster.

This baby's gonna have a father!

What--kenneth just did
a flip into the elevator!

Jack,I've spent the last
hour looking at cribs online.

It's crazy. Even with all this dennis
stuff all I can think about is baby hair

and converting my laundry and
newspaper pile into a nursery.

So I don't want you to worry
about me, because,um,I'm happy.

Oh,and yes,you hear me eating sabor de
soledad 'cause I can eat whatever I want now.

Oh,hang on. That's my doctor.

Never mind. I am
not,um-- never mind.

Lemon,how are you?

- It was the cheese curls.
- Pardon?

Causing the false positives
on my home pregnancy tests.

Apparently,sabor de soledad gets its special
tangy flavor from evaporated bull semen.

Oh,that explains your
hair's thickness and shine.

I guess in mexico women use it to stop
their periods before cinco de mayo.

I'm a little afraid to ask
if you're still eating them.

They're so good.

Lemon,I'm sorry you had to
go through this by yourself.

No,it's okay.

I was actually ready to
have dennis duffy's baby.

I guess I'm getting to that age where
I don't care what anybody thinks of me.

If you're going to want to get a
very short haircut, resist that urge.

And I know now that
I'm definitely ready.

I want to adopt.

Are you sure? What about
artificial insemination?

No,I can't go to a sperm bank.
The duffy men use those like atms.

Then,lemon... I want to assist you.

What?

With an adoption! Oh,good
lord,lemon! With an adoption.

I know a lot of well-connected people.

Okay then,yeah. Help me,thanks.

Um,how was your day?

Oh,it was good.

The president gave me a nickname.

The jacker.

Yeah.

Three Months Later

The Pentagon

Gentlemen,I regret to inform you that the
gay bomb could not be effectively weaponized.

The chemical dissipates harmlessly
in open tactical environments.

And frankly, could only work if somehow we could
get the enemy into a closed, unventilated space.

Ooh,pens!

I feel weird.

Let's do this.

30 Rockefeller Center

Dude,I played this
thing for a couple hours.

It's okay,I guess.

Frank,you've been in your
office for three months

what?

Yes,ina be a billionaire!

Hotel Room,Beijing

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