Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:05,560
SNORING
2
00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:09,360
ALISON SIGHS
3
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:23,360
ALISON EXHALES
4
00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:27,160
Morning, guys.
5
00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:56,800
Julian?
6
00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:04,880
Robin?
7
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,560
Hmm.
8
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:18,920
Fanny?
9
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,840
They can't all just...
10
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,160
Mike! Oh, my...
11
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:40,480
DOOR SHUTS
12
00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:42,440
It's the ghosts. What now?
13
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,120
I can't see them any more.
14
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:45,240
I...
15
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:46,800
I c-can't see them any more.
16
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:49,280
What do you mean?
17
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,440
My gift, it's...
18
00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,320
It's gone.
I can't see ghosts any more.
19
00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,600
ALL: April Fools!
20
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,840
GHOSTS CHUCKLE
21
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:03,720
CHUCKLING DIES AWAY
22
00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,880
SOBS
23
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:11,160
Is she laughing?
24
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:13,880
Are you laughing?
25
00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:15,960
CONTINUES SOBBING
26
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,000
I don't think she's laughing.
27
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,640
Ali? Are you OK?
28
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:45,920
Yeah, fine.
29
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:47,480
You?
30
00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,320
Yeah. Yeah, you just seemed
a bit upset earlier.
31
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,160
No, no, no, no. All good.
32
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:53,800
Yeah? Yeah. OK.
33
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,200
Don't worry.
I'm going to have the last laugh.
34
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,560
Right. Cool. So, um, I've been
going over our finances,
35
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,960
and the spreadsheet's
not looking good.
36
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,960
Oh, God, no. OK, maybe if you,
like, right-align the columns
37
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,560
and then you put the headings
in bold, that will at least...
38
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,840
Obviously, I'm talking about
the numbers. OK. Hmm.
39
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,560
Without the income
from the gatehouse,
40
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,800
even with functions,
it's going to be tight. Mm-hm.
41
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:16,920
Mmm. The insurance from the fire
should get us back
42
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:18,760
on an even keel, but beyond that,
43
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:21,360
we're going to struggle
to stay in the green.
44
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,800
Black? What's the opposite of red?
Blue?
45
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,600
Stay in the blue? Stay in the b...
46
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,640
Are you even listening? Hmm?
47
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,240
This is important. Yeah. No, no, no.
48
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,120
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know, I know. I just...
49
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,640
Could we deal with this
this afternoon?
50
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:36,720
Just cos there's something I need to
focus on until, like, midday.
51
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,840
Mm. Is it playing
an April Fools' prank
52
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,520
on a bunch of dead people? Maybe?
53
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,160
It isn't not that.
54
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,640
Right, OK, well, the second
you get even with them,
55
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,320
I'm going to need your undivided...
56
00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:47,520
Do we own a saw?
57
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,000
PIERCING SCREAM
58
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,320
BIRD CAWS
59
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,320
SCREAMS
60
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,040
GRUNTS
61
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,080
Oh, not you.
62
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,360
GRUNTS
63
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:25,840
Oh...
64
00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:30,360
LADY BUTTON: It was yellow!
Oh, no.
65
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:31,840
CAPTAIN: The greenfinch IS yellow,
66
00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:33,560
but not as yellow
as a yellow finch.
67
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,440
Oh, it's ridiculous.
Who do I write to?
68
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:36,600
Well...
69
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,440
GHOSTS GUFFAW AND LAUGH
70
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,120
That the best you can do?
71
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:46,200
Nice try! Better luck next month!
72
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:49,880
PAT: Oh, for the last time,
there is no May Fools' Day!
73
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,640
GHOSTS CHATTER HAPPILY
74
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,760
HUMPHREY: Ah! Impaled
by a fence post, was it?
75
00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,800
Hmm? Oh, well, yeah.
I mean, that was the idea,
76
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:04,360
but probably a bit far-fetched.
77
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:05,720
Stranger things have happened.
78
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,080
I suppose so.
79
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,120
Hmm. Yeah, well...
80
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,240
It was worth a try.
81
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,640
So that's it, is it? Giving up?
82
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,080
Well, unless you have an idea?
83
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,280
Idea? No, no. No.
84
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,600
OK. Ideas?
85
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,160
You betcha.
86
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:23,600
I'm listening.
87
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,440
I just think maybe you put
all your eggs in one basket
88
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:28,400
when it might be easier,
89
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:31,040
dare I say more satisfying,
90
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,240
to pick them off one by one.
91
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,080
I mean, between us,
we know them all pretty well.
92
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:39,560
I'm sure we could work out
which buttons to press.
93
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,080
What's in it for you?
94
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,760
To that lot, I'm just a punch line.
95
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,240
A punchbag. A football.
96
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,880
Then there was that time
they stuck me up on that high shelf.
97
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,600
When was that? Tuesday. Ah...
98
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:55,760
Mmm. I just think that maybe we're
both due a little payback,
99
00:05:55,760 --> 00:06:00,880
and as I understand it,
until midday on this particular day,
100
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,040
anything goes.
101
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,120
Hmm. Hmm.
102
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,560
Right. Thomas.
103
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,560
Need a hand with the wording?
No. No, no.
104
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:10,960
I've got this one.
105
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,600
Start with the low-hanging fruit.
106
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,720
Oh! Talking of which - Kitty.
107
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,800
Hmm. Erm...
108
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:20,800
OK, OK. Here's an idea.
109
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,880
Now, it might be a bit complicated,
so just bear with me,
110
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,280
but what if we told her
there was a balloon...?
111
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:28,240
There's a balloon? Where?
112
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:29,920
No...
Everyone, there's a balloon!
113
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,520
Kitty, April Fo...
114
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,320
No. OK. No, she's gone.
KITTY MUMBLES
115
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:36,160
Well, I guess that's one
off the list,
116
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,280
and we've three hours to go.
117
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:39,600
This is going to be easy!
118
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,760
CHUCKLES
OK.
119
00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:47,080
"Meet me in the wood store
120
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,560
"at 10am."
LAUGHS
121
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:51,560
Time to go and bait the trap.
122
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,440
Send him my love!
CHUCKLES
123
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,280
HUMS CHEERFULLY
124
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,080
GASPS
125
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,720
DOORBELL RINGS
126
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:48,800
Alison!
127
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,680
Mr Cooper? That's right.
128
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,280
Joy Kielty, Irish Friendly.
129
00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:58,680
I'm Mike Cooper.
130
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,720
English. Also friendly.
131
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:04,120
No, I'm from Irish Friendly,
your insurance company.
132
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,800
You put a claim in for a fire
at your guesthouse.
133
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,880
Right. Sorry. We didn't know
you were coming... Alison!
134
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,120
No. Well, I'm a loss adjuster.
135
00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,360
OK. And does our loss
need...adjusting?
136
00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:16,560
It means...
137
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,760
Well, we don't use the term
investigator.
138
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,720
Our claim is being investigated?
139
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,000
We don't use that term.
140
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,280
But it is? Yes.
141
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,320
Why?
142
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,400
There are just a few details
that we need to verify
143
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,040
before we can pay out on the policy.
144
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,800
Oh, so it's, like,
just a routine thing?
145
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,560
Perhaps you could show me
the site of the incident?
146
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:36,720
Uh... Yeah, sure.
147
00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:40,360
It's just, uh, this way, um...?
148
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:41,680
Joy.
149
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,440
Sure.
150
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,920
Look, it's perfectly simple.
151
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,680
The brown one is a blackbird.
152
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:48,440
The red and black one
is a goldfinch.
153
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:51,280
And the bluetit has a yellow chest.
154
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,520
Right. I'm just saying -
155
00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:55,280
you know where you are
with a sparrow.
156
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,160
That's a dunnock. You what?!
157
00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:00,400
OK. Now, try to remain calm,
everyone,
158
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,000
but there is a balloon,
possibly a number of balloons,
159
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,280
somewhere in this house.
160
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,440
And they might be
the float-to-the-ceiling kind,
161
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,720
so it's vital we find them
before they lose their magic.
162
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,200
Are you sure, Kitty?
It's nobody's birthday.
163
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,240
All I know is,
Alison said there's a balloon.
164
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,640
Perhaps a balloon animal.
And I know...
165
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,960
Come on, Kitty.
She's winding you up, love.
166
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,480
What?
167
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:22,520
Is May Fool.
168
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,880
April! April.
169
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,440
Yeah. She's pulling on your legs.
170
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:30,280
Most likely reprisal
for our antics this morning.
171
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,560
So she said there was a balloon,
172
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,400
but there actually wasn't a balloon?
173
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:35,680
LAUGHS SOFTLY
174
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,640
Oh, that is so clever.
175
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,240
Oh, no.
176
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,920
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
177
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,600
What's up with Attenborough?
178
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:47,720
Well, can't you see?
She's picking us off like a sniper.
179
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,600
She may have got to Kitty first,
180
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:51,080
but she'll come for us all.
181
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,960
Oh, give over.
Just a harmless bit of fun.
182
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,120
Is it, Patrick? Is it?!
183
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,600
Or have we awoken a demon
hellbent on revenge?
184
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,000
We need to be on our guard,
185
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,960
keep our wits about us,
for the enemy is smart.
186
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,840
She is motivated.
187
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,280
We should expect tactics
of breathtaking subtlety
188
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:09,720
and sophistication.
189
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:12,480
ALISON: Seriously? They found
a Stuka dive-bomber in the woods?
190
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,760
What? What?!
191
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:16,560
Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!
192
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,200
PANTS
193
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,440
Clever girl.
194
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:56,040
And the fire was caused
by a fork of lightning?
195
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:57,120
Yeah.
196
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,440
Bizarre, eh?
197
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,680
But I suppose
you must see that a lot.
198
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:01,760
No.
199
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,880
And no-one was inside at the time?
200
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,040
No. Luckily. Hmm.
201
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,400
Most convenient.
202
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,640
So how did you know
it was lightning?
203
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,840
Oh, I... I saw it.
204
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,480
From inside the house?
205
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,760
No, no. I was...nearby.
206
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:16,960
Where?
207
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,240
Under a tree.
208
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,560
In a thunderstorm?
209
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:20,720
Well, I...
210
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,880
I thought it was a shower at first.
211
00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,600
I was trying to stay dry. Hmm.
212
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:29,720
Then why not head inside?
213
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,360
Well, I couldn't leave the bear.
214
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,800
FAINT CLINKING
215
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,000
BIRDS COO
216
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,200
CLEARS THROAT
217
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,160
EXHALES
218
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:54,080
You got my note?
219
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:55,120
Indeed.
220
00:11:56,360 --> 00:12:00,320
I must confess, I was somewhat
taken aback by your candour.
221
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:04,160
I had begun to wonder
if you would ever see sense.
222
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,240
I think it was this morning -
223
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,320
fearing I might never see you again,
224
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:12,880
I suddenly realised
the depth of my feelings.
225
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,400
I can no longer deny the...
226
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,880
The frisson. The frisson. Exactly.
227
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:20,920
I knew you would succumb
to my charms
228
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,920
in the fullness of time.
229
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:26,280
And Michael will understand,
I'm sure of it.
230
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,200
A dear soul, certainly,
231
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,880
but not possessing
of the depths you require...
232
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,240
...desire.
233
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:35,880
Yeah.
234
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,360
Shall we?
235
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,000
Oh, no.
236
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,520
Oh, God.
237
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:47,720
Oh, God. I'm so sorry. No...
238
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,000
No, no, no. It's fine.
239
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:53,640
A love such as ours
shall face many challenges,
240
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,280
but where the heart is driven...
241
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,840
...the flesh shall find a way.
242
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:03,920
We can't even share a meal.
243
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:06,440
Or a hug.
244
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,160
Or a kiss.
245
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,040
Indeed.
246
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:14,840
Such interactions
are frustratingly limited.
247
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:17,600
Though I suppose there's...
There's always...
248
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,120
Oh! Erm... Um... Should we?
249
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,080
Things are moving so fast, I...
250
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,560
GASPS, CLEARS THROAT
251
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,680
Oh, the angels in heaven!
252
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:29,880
April Fools!
253
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,640
LAUGHS
254
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,080
I totally got you.
255
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:39,360
LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
256
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,520
Oh, that is priceless!
257
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,560
I'm so amused right now,
258
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,200
because you would never... Never.
259
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,320
Never. Never. Never.
CONTINUES LAUGHING
260
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,080
Ha-ha-haaaa...
261
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,880
She's a monster!
262
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,160
You too, eh? What did she do?
263
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:57,240
She...
264
00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,000
We...
265
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,760
It doesn't matter what she did.
266
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:04,000
Know only that she is
Beelzebub incarnate!
267
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,680
Where are the others?
268
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,360
Lying low, if they have any sense.
269
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:08,680
They might be all right.
270
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,800
There's only two hours left
until midday.
271
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,200
Surely she can't get us all.
272
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,000
Ohh, I would put nothing past
that she-devil!
273
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,120
ANGRILY: That callous, heartless...
274
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,840
SOFTLY: ..doe-eyed, soft-skinned...
275
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,880
Damn it!
276
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:24,560
So, who do we think
she'll try to fool next?
277
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,200
Well, if she's thinking tactically,
278
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,480
she'd be best advised
to pick off the softest target.
279
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,280
Someone easily duped,
280
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:37,280
guileless, gullible,
open-hearted to a fault.
281
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,720
HUMS CHEERFULLY
282
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,320
Oh, come on! They can't
seriously ban Scotch eggs.
283
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,400
I wouldn't be certain
about the veracity
284
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,160
of that news story, Alison.
285
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,120
Sounds a little implausible to me.
286
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:59,040
If I were you, I'd cross-check
it with multiple news sources
287
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,120
across the political spectrum.
288
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:05,440
I'd hate for you to have the
wool pulled over your eyes. OK?
289
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,000
Thanks. Yeah. Thanks.
290
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:17,080
She's trying, God love her,
but talk about amateur hour!
291
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:18,320
CHUCKLES
292
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:19,440
Yeah?
293
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,920
Ooh...
294
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,320
JOY: So, the argument was
about the bear?
295
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,840
Yeah. He wasn't allowed in
the house. Why not?
296
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,520
He never wiped his feet.
CHUCKLES
297
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:33,040
It was a disagreement over taste.
298
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,720
My wife wasn't keen on him,
299
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,600
so I was taking him to live up here.
300
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,000
And can I see this bear?
301
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,280
Erm, no.
302
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,920
He was also destroyed, sadly.
303
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,280
In the fire?
304
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:45,120
Erm, no. A tree fell on him.
305
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:46,240
A tree?
306
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,800
Yeah. Struck by lightning.
307
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,080
I thought you said
the lightning struck the roof.
308
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:51,160
Different lightning.
309
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,040
So you're saying your property
was struck by lightning twice?
310
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,120
Yeah.
311
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,360
No, three times.
The other one hit...
312
00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:58,480
Nobody.
313
00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,520
Nothing. The ground.
314
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,720
Sounds insane
when you say it out loud.
315
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,920
You should see it written down.
316
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,880
What do you mean? What I say.
317
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,320
He didn't fall for it.
318
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,120
And you definitely said Scotch egg?
319
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,480
Of course I said Scotch egg!
320
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,560
SIGHS
God...
321
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:16,760
I could murder a Scotch egg.
322
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,080
Well, the way I see it,
you've got two options.
323
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:23,280
Mm-hm. You could just call it a day,
let bygones be bygones
324
00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:28,000
and forget all about
this silly revenge business, or...
325
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,200
..you double down.
326
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,840
No more Mrs Nice Alison.
327
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:35,200
Pull off the kid gloves
328
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,560
and show them exactly
who they're messing with.
329
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,280
Or, you know, neither.
330
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:41,440
Yeah. Whatever. Yeah.
331
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,200
But it just doesn't make any sense.
332
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,400
What, because Pat saw through
her ruse and you didn't?
333
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,320
Well, yes, frankly.
334
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,400
I mean, if you look up
gullible in the dictionary,
335
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,200
there's a picture of Pat's face.
336
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,600
Is there?
337
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,480
No, Katherine. No.
338
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,000
Unless she didn't prank him at all.
339
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:04,320
Perhaps he's pranking us
by pretending she pranked him
340
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:07,120
because we pranked her
for pranking... No, hang on.
341
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,400
Face it.
342
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:12,680
We have no idea who
she'll get next. Or how. Or who.
343
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,560
Hmm. Maybe you're right.
344
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:18,720
Though I think we can all guess who
will be the last of us to fall.
345
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:23,480
Deceitful, cynical, underhand,
346
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,040
and, lest we forget...
347
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,280
OTHERS: ...morally bankrupt.
348
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,560
Exactly.
349
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,360
If seven public inquiries
350
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:32,560
couldn't trip the man up,
what on earth can?
351
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,560
Hello!
CHUCKLES
352
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,080
Ooh.
353
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,320
GRUNTS
354
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,200
JAUNTY MUSIC
Oh, damn and blast!
355
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,280
JULIAN GROANS
356
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:55,680
Well, well, well.
357
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,040
Look who's here.
358
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,480
There is no weakness
she will not exploit!
359
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:02,200
That was below the belt -
and not in a fun way.
360
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,160
Wait a minute. Where's Pat?
361
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,880
Still at large.
362
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,080
Ah! Talk about insult to injury!
363
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,600
PAT HUMS CHEERFULLY
364
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,000
Pat?
365
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,240
CHOPPING
366
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:17,720
Alison.
367
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,560
I'm sorry, you know, for...
For everything earlier.
368
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:22,920
The Scotch egg thing.
369
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,160
I don't know what you mean, Alison.
370
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,240
Sure. OK. I just...
371
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,400
I was a bit angry, you know,
about this morning,
372
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,240
but I don't want
to fall out over it. I just...
373
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:33,640
It's water under the bridge now.
374
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:34,840
It's basically...
375
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:37,840
Oh, my God. No! Oh, God!
Oh, my finger! Pat! Pat!
376
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,280
Argh! Ouch!
377
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:46,280
Alison, I took whole packs
of ten-year-old boys away camping
378
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:47,960
every year for a decade.
379
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,200
Do you really think there's
a practical joke known to man
380
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,080
that hasn't been pulled on me?
381
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,480
Itching powder in the underpants.
382
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,080
Potato in the exhaust pipe.
383
00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,440
Hand in a bowl of water
so you wet the bed.
384
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:05,520
Been there, done it,
and got the T-shirt made.
385
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,320
So you'd best save your energy,
Alison,
386
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:09,680
because I'm bulletproof, me.
387
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:11,960
And, you?
388
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,960
You're there, mate.
389
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,680
SNARLS
390
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,520
CHOMPS
391
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:22,760
SWALLOWS
392
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,240
WHISPERING: Jesus.
393
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,120
So you were here when
lightning struck the property?
394
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:34,800
Yeah. We kissed here and then...
You kissed?
395
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:35,840
Yep.
396
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:37,080
The bear?
397
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:40,400
No. No, my...my wife.
I was no longer with the bear.
398
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,480
Not romantically. We split up.
399
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,840
I'd left him. It.
400
00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,320
I left it under the tree.
401
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,880
But you said your wife
was back in the main house.
402
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:51,000
Yeah, she was. She came out
when the storm got bad.
403
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,320
So, as the lightning got worse,
404
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,160
your wife also came out into it?
405
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:57,680
Yes.
406
00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:02,320
She came to warn me because she saw
the first bolt hit the cave...
407
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,480
Caved in...bit of lawn.
408
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,800
There. Actually not there.
409
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,280
More over there. More over there.
410
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,640
Can I speak to your wife?
411
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,600
Oh! New chapter.
412
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:24,880
Hmm. Hmm.
413
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,640
Hmm. Hmm?
414
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:27,680
Hmm...
415
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:30,880
Hmm-mm...
416
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,800
The girth of his what?!
417
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,760
Oh, the depravity! Alis...
418
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,760
I'm not sure what to be
more disappointed by -
419
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:52,040
the obscene nature
of your attempted deception
420
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,280
or the sloppiness of its execution.
421
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:57,400
I'm no fool, Alison,
April or otherwise.
422
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,480
OK. Sorry. Yeah.
423
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,880
I just thought it was a little
bit of fun, that's all.
424
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,280
LADY BUTTON GASPS
425
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,160
What on earth is that?
426
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:06,400
It's a tattoo.
427
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,680
Another one?
428
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,280
Two tattoos?
429
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,440
That scribble on your ankle
was common enough.
430
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:12,600
But this! This!
431
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,920
It's been there, like, a month.
I thought you'd seen it.
432
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:17,280
If I'd have seen it, young lady,
you'd have known about it.
433
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:21,360
My own kith and kin
branded like some lowly navvy,
434
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:23,960
painted like a tawdry Jezebel!
435
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:26,160
Times have changed.
You're still a Button.
436
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,680
No, I'm a Cooper, and I fancied
some fresh ink, so I got them.
437
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,520
Them? Plural?
438
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,320
Yeah. The big one's on this arm.
439
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:34,000
What?!
440
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,760
LADY BUTTON GASPS
441
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,160
CHUCKLES
Your face!
442
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,240
Yes!
443
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:41,240
Yes, I suppose you think
that's funny, do you?
444
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,440
I do. I absolutely do.
445
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,960
But you don't need to worry,
because it's felt tip,
446
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,480
so it rubs right off.
447
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,000
OK.
448
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:51,040
Just...
449
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,320
Ah, OK. You might have
to live with that
450
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:55,680
for about a week or so.
451
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,120
Oh! Ugh!
452
00:21:58,480 --> 00:21:59,680
Hook, line and sinker!
453
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,760
CHUCKLES
Told you! OK.
454
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:03,920
Five down, two to go.
455
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,320
I've had this idea for Pat,
but I don't know.
456
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,640
It might be going a bit far.
Hey, hey, hey!
457
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,560
He's the one who upped the ante.
458
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:11,920
He's brought it on himself.
459
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,600
Yeah, you're right. OK.
460
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,200
Well, then, that just leaves Robin,
461
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:19,200
and I've got no ideas
and not much time, so...
462
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,800
Don't you worry about Robin.
463
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:23,600
I'll take care of him.
464
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,400
Ooh. Yeah, sure.
465
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:26,960
What are you thinking?
466
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,240
Well...
GRUNTS
467
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,280
THUD!
Oh, my God. Ow!
468
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,000
MUFFLED: Perfect.
469
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,080
IN EERIE VOICE: Hello, Robin.
470
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,520
Oh...
471
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,160
EERIE VOICE: Ehhh!
472
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,320
Oh, no.
473
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:48,720
He's back.
474
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,040
Ehhh...
475
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,840
Oh. Not bear.
476
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:56,960
Just little badger.
477
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,360
BLOWS KISSES
478
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:01,320
Who are you calling little?
GASPS
479
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:04,040
Hang on.
480
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,720
Badgers not talk.
481
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:07,840
They do when they're angry enough.
482
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,160
Angry? That's right.
483
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,560
Rumour has it
that someone around here
484
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:15,840
ate an awful lot of my ancestors.
485
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:17,720
No, no. We...
486
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,320
Well, not often.
487
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:21,720
You too small.
488
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,880
See, we prefer, er,
a mammoth or a deer,
489
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,840
or, on very special occasion,
a wild dog.
490
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,480
I knew it!
SCREAMS
491
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:33,120
ALISON LAUGHS
492
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,760
April Fool!
493
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,800
Damn you, Cooper! Yes! I got him.
494
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:38,760
I got him. I got him.
Yeah, yeah. Well done.
495
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,640
Very much still inside a badger.
496
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:41,800
Oh, yeah.
497
00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:48,920
And I thought these things
smelled bad on the outside.
498
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,840
I've only got 25 minutes
left to get Pat.
499
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,760
Well, don't just stand there. Go on!
500
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:55,840
Keep me posted, yeah?
501
00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,240
SNORES
502
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,240
MIKE: Well, she was running
503
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,720
from the direction of
the house, so I assumed that...
504
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:14,880
But you didn't see her IN the house?
505
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:16,720
Well, no, I was under the tree.
506
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,600
Yes, but I'm just trying
to ascertain
507
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,880
where exactly your wife was
when the fire broke out.
508
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:23,480
Oh. OK.
509
00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:24,680
I see what you're getting at.
510
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,000
Well, I can assure you
511
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,240
that my wife isn't just going
around setting fire...
512
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,480
Mrs Cooper?
513
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,080
Sh.
514
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,960
Alison, this is Joy Guilty Kielty -
515
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,520
from the insurance company.
516
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:40,560
About the fire.
517
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:47,800
Hi. I'm Alison. So nice to meet you.
518
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,320
Oh, God. Sorry.
I think I stood up too quick.
519
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,760
Um... This is a practical joke.
520
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:57,640
An April Fools thing for one of
the...living people who live here.
521
00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:00,040
Oh, but your policy document
says that you are
522
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:01,480
the only two occupants.
523
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,160
We are. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
524
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,840
I meant a friend.
525
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:10,080
We have a house guest staying,
so I'm...
526
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:13,040
Pretending the house is on fire?
527
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:15,040
Well... Yeah.
528
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:18,560
Yeah. Well, I thought,
you know, a warm welcome.
529
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:22,360
Could you just excuse me
for one second?
530
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:23,800
VOMITS
531
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:29,600
Sorry. Sick in a bush.
532
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:31,760
I think it must be the... Nerves?
533
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,040
..fumes.
534
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:35,200
So, any other questions?
535
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,640
No. I think I've seen
everything I need to.
536
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:43,680
Sorry.
537
00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:51,960
Obviously, I know
how that looks and, well,
538
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,400
how all of it looks,
but I promise you,
539
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,200
everything that I have told you
is 100% the truth,
540
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,880
and I'm begging you...
541
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,200
Well, actually not beg.
542
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:03,200
No, I would totally beg
if that helps,
543
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,360
cos we really need this and I...
544
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:08,600
Mr Cooper, I'm going to recommend
that we approve your claim
545
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,560
and pay out on the policy in full.
546
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,080
What?
547
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,560
Seriously?
548
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,920
I've met a lot of fraudsters
in my time, Mr Cooper,
549
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:20,600
and I can assure you no genuine
criminal would ever come up
550
00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:23,840
with a story as patently
ridiculous as that one.
551
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:27,200
Stuff that absurd
only ever happens in real life.
552
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:37,760
ON TV: This is a great mixture
553
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,000
of flavours and textures
to combine to make
554
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,680
an extravagant plate of beef.
555
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:42,920
The amount of beef...
556
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:44,200
Um, Mike...
557
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:45,800
Hey. Where have you been?
558
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:48,240
Oh, well... Did you see the email?
559
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,880
All confirmed.
They're paying out on the policy.
560
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:54,280
So that'll bring us back
to, uh, zero.
561
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:55,760
So, yay! No money.
562
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:57,040
Yeah. Yeah.
563
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:59,240
Can I have a word with you
in private?
564
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,760
In pri...? Is there a ghost in here?
565
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,640
GHOSTS HUM
566
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:07,680
TV PROGRAMME CONTINUES
567
00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:10,400
You OK?
568
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:11,680
Yeah.
569
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:13,000
I think so.
570
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,320
Uh...
571
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:19,160
Now, I felt a bit emotional
and then hungry and then not.
572
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:23,400
And then a bit faint
and then a bit sick.
573
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:27,360
And... Well, I did a test and, um...
574
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:31,520
..I'm pregnant.
575
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:35,880
As if!
576
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:38,160
PAT CHUCKLES
I mean, the prop's a nice touch,
577
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,520
but your stooge here
is as wooden as anything, love.
578
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,240
Pat... And nobody just...
579
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,680
It's after midday.
580
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,040
Oh, my God. You're pregnant!
581
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:52,480
What? What?! Really?
582
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:54,000
We're having a baby?
583
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:55,280
We're having a baby!
584
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:57,120
GHOSTS LAUGH
585
00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:58,520
Wonderful news.
586
00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:01,600
That's wonderful.
587
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:04,840
GHOSTS CHAT AND EXCLAIM
588
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:10,440
Did we get him?
39884
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
