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♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
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00:00:04,711 --> 00:00:08,063
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,148 --> 00:00:11,876
♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,964 --> 00:00:18,234
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a manwho positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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- (bell tolling)
- (organ music playing)
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(Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"
playing)
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STEWIE:
Meet Alana Fitzgerald.
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How she got here
is quite a tale.
14
00:01:01,194 --> 00:01:02,686
And I'm here to tell it to you.
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I'll tell you all about Alana.
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00:01:05,198 --> 00:01:06,484
And who am I?
17
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I'm Stewie, the talking babyfrom Family Guy.
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Do you really not know that?
19
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And now to our tale.
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It started innocently enough
late last month.
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[♪ ♪]
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(ends with flourish)
23
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Oh, Alana, this lesson
has been a treat.
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You were always
the best student.
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And you were always
the only teacher in town
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who didn't rest a hand
on my knee while I played.
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(chuckles):
It's okay. I'm not a teacher.
28
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Chris, go to your room.
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Sure thing, Mom.
Just one more sniff of Finesse.
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(sniffs loudly)
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(exhales)
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As you were.
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Alana, it's been five years
since you graduated,
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and still no college plans?
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00:01:50,577 --> 00:01:52,635
I still want to audition
for Juilliard,
36
00:01:52,728 --> 00:01:56,138
but I still can't afford
the $1,200 application fee.
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Oh, you're not gonna tell me
you can't pay
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the seven dollars
for today's lesson?
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'Cause that's
our sandwich money.
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00:02:01,479 --> 00:02:04,081
Will there be
sandwiches then, miss?
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[♪ ♪]
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00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:09,069
Peter, can I talk to you
about Alana?
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I have an idea.
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00:02:10,504 --> 00:02:11,922
You can talk about
anything you want,
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as long as you shout it
over the Patriots game.
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SPORTSCASTER: Critical
third and seven for Mac Jones...
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I just feel really bad for her.
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You know, she's so talented,
but she doesn't
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have the money
to apply to colleges.
50
00:02:21,515 --> 00:02:23,192
- And it's a fumble!
- Oh, no.
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00:02:23,276 --> 00:02:25,776
I know, it's sad. And that's
where I think we can help.
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- Somehow Mac Jones fell on it.
- Come on, the clock is ticking.
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Well, I just think we could hire
her to help around the house.
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You know, with the laundry,
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driving the kids to school,
all that stuff.
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- ...for a touchdown!
- Yes!
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Thank you, Peter.
I knew you'd understand.
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Man, it just really sucks
when you're playing from behind.
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Exactly. That's why
I'm so happy to help her out.
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You know, I think we'll both
sleep better tonight.
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And the Patriots set up
on defense.
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PETER:
Go for the sack!
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Well, you did agree
to the Alana thing.
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00:02:53,789 --> 00:02:55,714
Mm, where's my clothespin?
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STEWIE: This gross encounter
sealed the deal.
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00:02:58,794 --> 00:03:01,145
And just like that,
Alana was welcomed
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as a member of our family.
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00:03:03,132 --> 00:03:05,483
[♪ ♪]
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00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,737
- (doorbell rings)
- Oh, that must be Alana.
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00:03:08,821 --> 00:03:11,155
What are you,
the Amazing Kreskin?
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Just open the damn door.
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Ah! Welcome, Alana.
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Oh, thank you, Lois.
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Are you sure this is okay?
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"Okay"? It's wonderful.
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Come on,
meet the rest of the family.
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Now, of course, you know Chris.
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00:03:26,898 --> 00:03:28,747
Hi, Chris.
Good to see you again.
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00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:30,657
And it will be good
to see you again
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00:03:30,751 --> 00:03:32,760
through the bathroom keyhole.
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00:03:33,905 --> 00:03:36,329
That was not original
to the house.
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00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:37,589
Hi. I'm Peter.
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00:03:37,742 --> 00:03:39,768
I enjoy middle-of-the-night
hallway cereal.
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00:03:39,852 --> 00:03:42,512
I'm Meg. Don't touch my
drum set, or you're dead meat.
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STEWIE: No one had ever heard of
Meg's drum set before this moment.
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Oh, Lois, you're so lucky
to have such a beautiful family.
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00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:50,844
I didn't grow up
with any of this.
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Let me show you
where you'll be staying,
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and you can get settled in.
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00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:56,343
Oh, there's plenty
of time for that.
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00:03:56,427 --> 00:03:57,684
Let me get started on dinner.
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00:03:57,778 --> 00:04:00,279
I was thinking tacos and nachos?
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00:04:00,373 --> 00:04:02,039
Well, sounds good to me.
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00:04:02,232 --> 00:04:03,374
What do you think, Peter?
95
00:04:03,525 --> 00:04:05,376
I just arrived in my pants.
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00:04:05,545 --> 00:04:07,545
(all cheering)
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00:04:07,772 --> 00:04:10,289
STEWIE: That night, we
all ate tacos and nachos
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00:04:10,383 --> 00:04:12,709
that were so good,
we stood and cheered.
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00:04:12,793 --> 00:04:14,878
We were the envy
of the neighborhood.
100
00:04:14,962 --> 00:04:16,295
Here, Joe.
101
00:04:16,389 --> 00:04:18,597
Barely thawed trout
and white rice.
102
00:04:20,709 --> 00:04:23,802
This trout's the lucky one.
It's over for him.
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00:04:23,896 --> 00:04:26,213
- What's that, Joe?
- Thanks, Bon. Looks terrific.
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00:04:26,307 --> 00:04:28,974
[♪ ♪]
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Did you guys know you have
a pool in the backyard?
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00:04:32,296 --> 00:04:34,323
It was just overgrown
with grass and weeds.
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00:04:34,407 --> 00:04:36,298
PETER:
Cannonball!
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00:04:36,391 --> 00:04:37,742
There's no water in it, though.
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PETER (audio rewinding):
Llabnonnac!
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Phew. That was a close one.
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00:04:41,730 --> 00:04:44,323
You know, Alana,
I confess I wasn't sure
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00:04:44,475 --> 00:04:47,836
how this was going to work out,
but you've been terrific.
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Uh, you're just
too good to be true.
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STEWIE:
Too good to be true.
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00:04:51,665 --> 00:04:53,583
Like a single Jewish doctor.
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00:04:53,667 --> 00:04:55,985
Hello? Where are you?
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00:04:56,078 --> 00:04:59,096
Doctors can be girls, too,
so shut up.
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00:04:59,323 --> 00:05:01,748
Yes, everything seemed perfect
in our household,
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00:05:01,842 --> 00:05:04,676
but sometimes things
aren't what they seem.
120
00:05:04,829 --> 00:05:06,771
We'd been so conditioned
into believing
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00:05:06,922 --> 00:05:09,681
our mother's life was empty,
we couldn't even fathom the idea
122
00:05:09,834 --> 00:05:11,883
that another person
would want it.
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00:05:12,036 --> 00:05:14,111
It was a real
All About Eve moment.
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00:05:14,263 --> 00:05:18,091
Or, if you're under 70, a real
Single White Female moment.
125
00:05:18,175 --> 00:05:21,527
Or, if you're under 50,a real Swimfan moment.
126
00:05:21,695 --> 00:05:24,179
Or, if you're Black,the Beyoncé movie Obsessed,
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00:05:24,273 --> 00:05:26,858
which I haven't seen
but hear real good things about.
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00:05:26,942 --> 00:05:28,867
Yes, Alana was a regular Lisa,
129
00:05:28,961 --> 00:05:30,481
which is the characterfrom Obsessed,
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00:05:30,688 --> 00:05:31,955
which I just looked up.
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00:05:32,039 --> 00:05:33,964
(imitating Lois):
Stewie, eat your vegetables.
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00:05:34,191 --> 00:05:36,751
STEWIE (chuckling): Okay,
that's pretty good, but I'm onto you.
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00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:43,724
[♪ ♪]
134
00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:47,812
(birds chirping)
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00:05:50,817 --> 00:05:52,476
Oh, 8:15.
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00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,811
Well, that's much later
than I usually wake up,
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00:05:54,895 --> 00:05:58,155
but at least I won't react like
a character in an '80s mov...
138
00:05:58,382 --> 00:06:00,307
8:15?!
139
00:06:00,401 --> 00:06:02,993
(upbeat music playing)
140
00:06:15,249 --> 00:06:16,489
(panting)
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00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:17,742
I am so sorry.
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00:06:17,826 --> 00:06:19,744
I didn't realize
how late it was.
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00:06:19,828 --> 00:06:21,597
You guys must be starving.
144
00:06:21,681 --> 00:06:24,073
Wha... What's all this?
145
00:06:24,166 --> 00:06:25,509
Oh, good morning, Lois.
146
00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:27,177
I thought I'd let you sleep in.
147
00:06:27,261 --> 00:06:29,244
Oh, that's nice.
148
00:06:29,338 --> 00:06:31,096
- Where's Peter?
- Oh, he's here.
149
00:06:31,248 --> 00:06:33,350
He's just in the kid phase
of the Mini-Wheats cycle.
150
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:36,268
The shrinking process
was incredibly painful.
151
00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:38,696
Mom, she made us
eggs with falafel.
152
00:06:38,923 --> 00:06:41,699
Or, as she calls it,
"falafel à la Alana."
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00:06:41,926 --> 00:06:43,942
It's hard to say,
but they're delicious.
154
00:06:44,069 --> 00:06:47,279
I take adult-sized poops,
but I have kid-sized parts.
155
00:06:47,431 --> 00:06:49,189
I could die from this.
156
00:06:49,283 --> 00:06:52,618
Yeah, that's-that's part of why
I don't let Peter do that.
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00:06:52,770 --> 00:06:54,453
But you know what,
I'm glad you guys
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00:06:54,547 --> 00:06:56,213
are all enjoying Alana so much.
159
00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:57,773
Oh, she's the best.
160
00:06:57,866 --> 00:07:00,885
In fact, Alana and I stayed up
all night scissoring.
161
00:07:01,036 --> 00:07:03,213
Wow, Meg,
you're really good at this.
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00:07:03,297 --> 00:07:06,642
Yeah, I had an older babysitter
who kind of showed me how.
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00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:08,519
(gasps)
Hey, maybe after this,
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00:07:08,603 --> 00:07:10,285
we can get out
the cribbage board
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00:07:10,379 --> 00:07:11,562
and work on our pegging.
166
00:07:11,789 --> 00:07:13,723
WEST:
I'm Mayor Wild West,
167
00:07:13,807 --> 00:07:16,308
and my neighbor's kid
had to explain this to me.
168
00:07:16,460 --> 00:07:20,479
Guess, this week, it's church
on Sunday and Wednesday.
169
00:07:20,631 --> 00:07:23,233
But anyway, back to our tale.
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00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,828
STEWIE: The dominoes
were falling one by one.
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00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:29,488
Especially Peter, who found
Alana to be a sheer delight.
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00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:31,248
That will be more clear
when you see
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00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:32,909
how she's about to be dressed.
174
00:07:32,993 --> 00:07:35,419
- (rustling)
- Santa?
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00:07:35,646 --> 00:07:37,922
I can almost see your bum
through your nightgown.
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00:07:38,149 --> 00:07:40,109
STEWIE: Any time Peter
saw someone at 2:00 a.m.,
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00:07:40,242 --> 00:07:41,984
he assumed it was Santa.
178
00:07:42,077 --> 00:07:43,502
Alana?
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00:07:43,654 --> 00:07:45,095
What are you doing up
so nipples?
180
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:47,757
Sorry, I was just
cleaning out the freezer.
181
00:07:47,841 --> 00:07:49,426
Okay, any Popsicles that say
182
00:07:49,510 --> 00:07:51,428
"property of Peter Griffin"
are mine.
183
00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:54,356
Got it.
You see anything else you like?
184
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,024
I can think
of one or two things.
185
00:07:58,593 --> 00:08:00,502
Did you enjoy
your five-course meal?
186
00:08:00,595 --> 00:08:03,021
(laughs) I wouldn't consider
an amuse-bouche
187
00:08:03,174 --> 00:08:04,840
a full course unto itself.
188
00:08:04,933 --> 00:08:07,035
(sighs)
I guess you're right.
189
00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:09,194
Hey, maybe we could split
a Popsicle for dessert.
190
00:08:09,288 --> 00:08:12,197
Yeah, sure, if any of them have
your name on 'em, help yourself.
191
00:08:12,291 --> 00:08:15,210
[♪ ♪]
192
00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:17,610
Hey, thanks for taking me
to the dog park, Lois.
193
00:08:17,705 --> 00:08:20,038
Well, now that we have Alana,
I've got more time
194
00:08:20,132 --> 00:08:22,007
to do stuff like this.
195
00:08:23,877 --> 00:08:26,119
Can I be honest with you, Brian?
196
00:08:26,213 --> 00:08:27,546
Hmm. That's what a woman says
197
00:08:27,698 --> 00:08:29,299
before she trashes
another woman.
198
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:31,600
I'm a little worried
about Alana.
199
00:08:33,295 --> 00:08:34,979
I mean, the kids seem
to like her,
200
00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:36,538
and she's good at her job,
201
00:08:36,631 --> 00:08:38,901
but maybe a little too good,
you know?
202
00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:40,559
I don't know,
she seems cool to me.
203
00:08:40,728 --> 00:08:43,146
I mean, yes, I know,
she's very sweet.
204
00:08:43,230 --> 00:08:44,814
(grunts)
205
00:08:44,898 --> 00:08:48,076
But sometimes I feel like
maybe she's after something.
206
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:50,068
I just don't know what it is.
207
00:08:50,162 --> 00:08:51,655
(panting)
208
00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:53,415
Well, maybe you're right.
209
00:08:53,499 --> 00:08:55,809
I'll tell you what,
I'll talk to Alana
210
00:08:55,893 --> 00:08:57,835
and try to sniff out
what's going on with her.
211
00:08:58,062 --> 00:08:59,336
Oh, thanks, Brian.
212
00:08:59,488 --> 00:09:00,830
I'd appreciate that.
213
00:09:00,914 --> 00:09:02,840
I'll tell you, I'm starting
to wish I never...
214
00:09:03,067 --> 00:09:04,550
(grunts):
Hired her!
215
00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:07,069
(panting)
216
00:09:07,238 --> 00:09:08,920
Hey, sorry about that.
217
00:09:09,073 --> 00:09:11,423
Well, looks like Lois
is plenty threatened
218
00:09:11,541 --> 00:09:14,678
by that new girl who moved in,
I tell you what.
219
00:09:14,762 --> 00:09:16,770
[♪ ♪]
220
00:09:19,266 --> 00:09:21,709
Wow. Dusting the den, huh?
221
00:09:21,794 --> 00:09:24,178
You're really going
the whole 8.2 meters.
222
00:09:24,263 --> 00:09:26,174
- What?
- Oh, sorry, nine yards.
223
00:09:26,259 --> 00:09:27,616
I just read
so many European authors,
224
00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:29,759
I slip into metric sometimes.
225
00:09:29,844 --> 00:09:32,705
Anyway, Alana, could you do me
a favour... with a "U"...
226
00:09:32,790 --> 00:09:34,882
And maybe do
a little less housework?
227
00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:37,801
Less housework?
But that's why Lois hired me.
228
00:09:37,895 --> 00:09:40,654
Well, I worry Lois might be
feeling a little displaced
229
00:09:40,806 --> 00:09:43,324
since you've been doing
so much around the house lately.
230
00:09:43,475 --> 00:09:45,141
Oh, I'm so sorry.
231
00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:47,236
I would never want to make her
feel uncomfortable.
232
00:09:47,404 --> 00:09:50,239
Hey, maybe we should discuss
this while I brush your fur.
233
00:09:50,333 --> 00:09:52,159
Okay, I see what you're doing.
234
00:09:52,243 --> 00:09:53,919
This kind of stuff may have
worked with the kids,
235
00:09:54,003 --> 00:09:56,255
but I kind of look out for Lois
in a way that they don't.
236
00:09:56,339 --> 00:09:59,006
And believe me, Alana, I can
get pretty mean if I want to.
237
00:09:59,175 --> 00:10:02,176
(laughing):
Oh, Brian, that's adorable.
238
00:10:02,345 --> 00:10:04,845
And I love that you're
so protective, but come on.
239
00:10:05,014 --> 00:10:07,014
We all know you're just
a big sweetheart.
240
00:10:07,165 --> 00:10:09,435
And even if you were able
to be mean to me,
241
00:10:09,519 --> 00:10:11,103
I'd still be loving you.
242
00:10:11,187 --> 00:10:13,254
Yeah, well... "Loving," you say?
243
00:10:13,338 --> 00:10:15,080
(plays intro to
"I'll Be Loving You")
244
00:10:15,173 --> 00:10:17,933
- ♪ I'll be lovin' you ♪
- When?
245
00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:19,768
♪ Cloudy days or sunny ♪
246
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,104
- ♪ Lovin' you ♪
- Are you sure?
247
00:10:22,256 --> 00:10:24,007
♪ That's a promise, honey ♪
248
00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:27,701
♪ When your kisscan no longer pack a thrill ♪
249
00:10:27,853 --> 00:10:29,745
- (smooches)
- Nothin'.
250
00:10:29,855 --> 00:10:33,816
♪ I'll still be lovin' you ♪
251
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:36,451
- ♪ I'll be huggin' you ♪
- How?
252
00:10:36,546 --> 00:10:39,798
♪ Like a baby panda,kissin' you ♪
253
00:10:39,882 --> 00:10:42,526
- Where?
- ♪ On your old veranda ♪
254
00:10:42,610 --> 00:10:46,138
♪ When your charm, dear,is absolutely nil ♪
255
00:10:46,222 --> 00:10:49,306
♪ Yeah, I know,you'll still be lovin' me ♪
256
00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:52,951
♪ Billin', cooin' ♪
257
00:10:53,045 --> 00:10:54,888
♪ You, I'll keep pursuin' ♪
258
00:10:54,972 --> 00:10:57,057
♪ Always lovin' ♪
259
00:10:57,141 --> 00:10:59,151
♪ Hotter than a baker's oven ♪
260
00:10:59,235 --> 00:11:00,734
- Get out of here!
- (yelps)
261
00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:03,155
♪ This is true ♪
262
00:11:03,239 --> 00:11:04,990
♪ Let no one deny it ♪
263
00:11:05,074 --> 00:11:07,316
♪ I'll want you ♪
264
00:11:07,410 --> 00:11:09,151
♪ Till I'm still and quiet ♪
265
00:11:09,245 --> 00:11:12,988
♪ When my friends carry meacross the hill ♪
266
00:11:13,082 --> 00:11:15,583
♪ I'll still be lovin' ♪
267
00:11:15,810 --> 00:11:17,744
♪ Turtledovin' ♪
268
00:11:17,828 --> 00:11:21,830
♪ Still be lovin' you. ♪
269
00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:24,166
Wow, you've got some pipes.
270
00:11:24,318 --> 00:11:27,202
But about Lois...
I'm still worried she's unhappy.
271
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:30,005
Unhappy? What's there
to be unhappy about?
272
00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:32,007
(plays intro to
"Ain't We Got Fun")
273
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:34,918
♪ Every morning, every evening ♪
274
00:11:35,012 --> 00:11:37,420
♪ Ain't we got fun? ♪
275
00:11:37,514 --> 00:11:41,026
♪ Not much money,oh, but, honey ♪
276
00:11:41,110 --> 00:11:43,110
♪ Ain't we got fun? ♪
277
00:11:43,337 --> 00:11:45,520
STEWIE: Despite
Brian's initial skepticism,
278
00:11:45,673 --> 00:11:48,282
they sang 19 numbers
from the American songbook,
279
00:11:48,433 --> 00:11:49,684
and he was sold.
280
00:11:49,768 --> 00:11:53,372
Alana's victory over our family
was complete,
281
00:11:53,456 --> 00:11:58,367
and Lois realized she needed to
take matters into her own hands.
282
00:11:58,519 --> 00:12:00,035
Oh, hey, Loni.
283
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:01,962
Uh-oh, she's trying
to assert dominance
284
00:12:02,189 --> 00:12:03,780
by creating a fake nickname.
285
00:12:03,874 --> 00:12:05,799
I see you're giving a bath
to the Stew-Man.
286
00:12:05,951 --> 00:12:07,209
She does it to me, too.
287
00:12:07,303 --> 00:12:10,130
So, I was thinking,
since you're so close
288
00:12:10,214 --> 00:12:13,215
to making the $1,200
you need for Juilliard,
289
00:12:13,367 --> 00:12:15,227
why don't I just throw in
the difference for this week
290
00:12:15,311 --> 00:12:18,537
and get you on your way, huh?
291
00:12:18,630 --> 00:12:19,888
Thanks, Lois.
292
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,057
I'm so excited for you
to spread your wings
293
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:24,059
and pursue your dreams.
294
00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:25,560
She wants you out of here.
295
00:12:25,655 --> 00:12:27,303
This is so generous, Lois.
296
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:30,157
I'll be on my way
first thing in the morning.
297
00:12:32,386 --> 00:12:34,828
Okay, you're all done,
little man.
298
00:12:35,890 --> 00:12:37,991
All right,
let's do backside first,
299
00:12:38,075 --> 00:12:40,334
get the heavy lifting
out of the way.
300
00:12:40,485 --> 00:12:42,087
[♪ ♪]
301
00:12:42,171 --> 00:12:43,837
STEWIE:
Lois thought the $1,200
302
00:12:44,006 --> 00:12:45,673
had gotten Alana
out of her life,
303
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:47,749
but it was the other way around.
304
00:12:47,843 --> 00:12:49,751
Here's $1,200.
305
00:12:49,845 --> 00:12:52,162
I want Lois Griffin
dead by morning.
306
00:12:52,256 --> 00:12:53,931
[♪ ♪]
307
00:12:55,184 --> 00:12:58,593
Whoa. I can finally send
my nephew to Juilliard.
308
00:12:58,746 --> 00:13:00,020
He plays the melodica.
309
00:13:00,172 --> 00:13:02,523
- Really? Is he any good?
- You tell me.
310
00:13:02,674 --> 00:13:05,767
He did the opening fanfare
for 20th Century Fox.
311
00:13:05,861 --> 00:13:08,070
(drumbeat plays)
312
00:13:10,348 --> 00:13:13,367
(fanfare plays discordantly
on melodica)
313
00:13:28,867 --> 00:13:31,301
[♪ ♪]
314
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:35,723
(yawns)
315
00:13:36,875 --> 00:13:39,134
Good morning, Chris.
Good morning, Meg.
316
00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:41,395
Good morning, Loi... Lois?!
317
00:13:41,546 --> 00:13:42,712
[♪ ♪]
318
00:13:42,806 --> 00:13:44,047
My clothes were in the wash,
319
00:13:44,141 --> 00:13:46,216
so I borrowed your clothes
and Peter's bra.
320
00:13:46,310 --> 00:13:48,736
Boy, my morning jog was murder.
321
00:13:48,887 --> 00:13:51,313
But, Alana,
why is your hair red?
322
00:13:51,407 --> 00:13:52,965
I decided to dye it.
323
00:13:53,058 --> 00:13:54,816
I'm a huge Kathy Griffin fan.
324
00:13:54,969 --> 00:13:56,226
Well, that doesn't add up.
325
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:58,228
No one is a huge
Kathy Griffin fan.
326
00:13:58,322 --> 00:14:01,833
I beg to differ.
Sometimes comedy is just energy.
327
00:14:01,917 --> 00:14:05,043
And who cut my head
out of these family photos?
328
00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:07,646
Sorry, that was me.
329
00:14:07,739 --> 00:14:09,906
Alana and I did
some scissoring last night.
330
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,259
(chuckles) Is that so?
331
00:14:12,410 --> 00:14:15,197
Oh, we were just having a
little fun and got carried away.
332
00:14:15,281 --> 00:14:17,349
Tell you what,
I'll fix all the pictures
333
00:14:17,433 --> 00:14:19,759
as soon as I get back
from doing the groceries.
334
00:14:19,843 --> 00:14:21,428
(groans)
335
00:14:21,512 --> 00:14:23,920
I do the groceries, Alana.
336
00:14:24,014 --> 00:14:26,348
You won't like me
when I'm groceries.
337
00:14:26,442 --> 00:14:28,101
(inhales deeply)
338
00:14:28,185 --> 00:14:29,861
When I get back from the market,
339
00:14:29,945 --> 00:14:32,354
I think it's best
if you're gone.
340
00:14:32,506 --> 00:14:34,281
I understand.
341
00:14:36,601 --> 00:14:38,519
And don't worry, Lois.
342
00:14:38,603 --> 00:14:42,790
After today, I promise
you will never see me again.
343
00:14:42,941 --> 00:14:45,375
[♪ ♪]
344
00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:51,799
All right,
let's check the grocery list.
345
00:14:51,967 --> 00:14:54,876
Dozen eggs, orange juice, bread,
346
00:14:55,029 --> 00:14:57,045
and one Sara Lee cheesecake
I will take
347
00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:59,132
tiny finger pinches of
all the way home
348
00:14:59,216 --> 00:15:01,199
and then throw
in the outside trash.
349
00:15:01,293 --> 00:15:04,269
Oh, God, I love shopping!
350
00:15:06,798 --> 00:15:08,959
(gasps) What's this?
351
00:15:09,043 --> 00:15:11,151
"Newer"? "Fancier"?
352
00:15:11,303 --> 00:15:12,611
(sighs)
353
00:15:15,807 --> 00:15:17,307
LOIS:
What the hell?
354
00:15:17,475 --> 00:15:19,486
All they sell here is rope
and body bags?
355
00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:21,488
I... Uh-oh.
356
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:23,539
[♪ ♪]
357
00:15:26,234 --> 00:15:28,933
You guys, I just found
this note from Mom.
358
00:15:29,018 --> 00:15:31,566
"Dear family,
I've decided to leave you all
359
00:15:31,651 --> 00:15:33,010
and become a lesbian."
360
00:15:33,095 --> 00:15:34,594
Wait, we can just do that?
361
00:15:34,746 --> 00:15:36,739
Dad, how did this happen?
362
00:15:36,824 --> 00:15:38,340
I blame myself.
363
00:15:38,433 --> 00:15:40,518
Because of my fat,
I can't be on top.
364
00:15:40,602 --> 00:15:42,520
STEWIE: The whole family was so alarmed
365
00:15:42,604 --> 00:15:44,522
that no one noticed Alana
at the piano
366
00:15:44,606 --> 00:15:46,606
practicing Lois's part
of the theme song.
367
00:15:46,758 --> 00:15:50,770
♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
368
00:15:50,854 --> 00:15:54,032
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
369
00:15:54,116 --> 00:15:56,324
(melody continues on piano)
370
00:15:57,286 --> 00:16:00,528
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
371
00:16:00,622 --> 00:16:03,415
[♪ ♪]
372
00:16:07,963 --> 00:16:10,964
Stop! Why are you doing this?!
373
00:16:11,191 --> 00:16:13,024
Is this related
to the virtual stranger
374
00:16:13,193 --> 00:16:15,969
I let take over my life
and family this past week?
375
00:16:16,196 --> 00:16:17,953
- Please!
- Shut up.
376
00:16:18,048 --> 00:16:19,465
We're taking you to die.
377
00:16:19,549 --> 00:16:21,968
- Well, are we there yet?
- No.
378
00:16:22,052 --> 00:16:24,644
- Are we there yet?
- No! God.
379
00:16:24,796 --> 00:16:26,554
- Just give her the iPad.
- No.
380
00:16:26,648 --> 00:16:28,399
The book says kidnap victims
are getting
381
00:16:28,483 --> 00:16:30,150
too much screen time these days.
382
00:16:30,377 --> 00:16:32,360
They bond with the iPad,
not with us.
383
00:16:37,993 --> 00:16:39,659
(door opens)
384
00:16:39,886 --> 00:16:40,745
(gasps)
385
00:16:40,829 --> 00:16:42,989
Oh, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait!
386
00:16:43,073 --> 00:16:44,572
- Yeah?
- Please.
387
00:16:44,724 --> 00:16:46,315
Please don't let two white women
388
00:16:46,484 --> 00:16:48,835
make a podcast
about my disappearance.
389
00:16:48,986 --> 00:16:51,504
(screaming)
390
00:16:51,731 --> 00:16:53,631
[♪ ♪]
391
00:16:55,585 --> 00:16:57,677
Kids, now that your mother
is gone,
392
00:16:57,829 --> 00:17:00,013
I want you to be prepared
for a lot of pee
393
00:17:00,182 --> 00:17:02,015
on the floor next to the toilet.
394
00:17:02,184 --> 00:17:04,333
This is a speech
no father should ever
395
00:17:04,427 --> 00:17:06,019
have to give his children.
396
00:17:06,170 --> 00:17:07,346
I don't think
you guys understand
397
00:17:07,430 --> 00:17:09,022
what a huge loss this is.
398
00:17:09,173 --> 00:17:11,276
Oh, I fully understand, Brian.
399
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:13,860
Lois is an angel.
She's my soul mate.
400
00:17:14,087 --> 00:17:17,173
There's never been another Lois,
and there never will be.
401
00:17:17,257 --> 00:17:18,940
Not for me.
402
00:17:19,092 --> 00:17:20,850
She's irreplaceable.
403
00:17:20,944 --> 00:17:22,120
(stomach gurgling)
404
00:17:22,204 --> 00:17:24,030
Hey, Dad,
what's for dinner tonight?
405
00:17:24,114 --> 00:17:25,747
(gasps)
406
00:17:27,117 --> 00:17:29,450
STEWIE: And so we
return to where we began:
407
00:17:29,603 --> 00:17:32,705
With Alana and her rather
twisted path to the altar.
408
00:17:32,789 --> 00:17:34,881
(Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"
playing)
409
00:17:36,476 --> 00:17:38,593
(frantic, discordant music
playing)
410
00:17:41,706 --> 00:17:43,798
STEWIE: It's a very
logistically kooky church.
411
00:17:43,892 --> 00:17:46,644
We have gathered today
suspiciously quickly
412
00:17:46,728 --> 00:17:49,722
to celebrate the union
of this man and this woman.
413
00:17:49,806 --> 00:17:52,974
Now, before we begin,
let me just say that yes,
414
00:17:53,068 --> 00:17:56,736
I am the priest from YouTube
who plays the guitar.
415
00:17:56,963 --> 00:17:58,554
Pretty cool priest.
416
00:17:58,648 --> 00:18:01,056
You can also catch me
playing Fortnite on Twitch.
417
00:18:01,151 --> 00:18:03,801
Now, I understand Peter
has written his own vows.
418
00:18:03,895 --> 00:18:06,413
- QUAGMIRE: Oh, no!
- Yes, I have.
419
00:18:06,564 --> 00:18:08,748
And I'm definitely not
just reusing the vows
420
00:18:08,900 --> 00:18:11,894
I said to Lois when we got
married in the late '90s.
421
00:18:11,978 --> 00:18:14,413
"Dear Lois: Whassup?
422
00:18:14,497 --> 00:18:16,089
"You're the love of my life.
423
00:18:16,258 --> 00:18:17,907
Yada yada yada, I'm hungry."
424
00:18:18,001 --> 00:18:19,834
Unless anyone has a reason
why these two
425
00:18:19,986 --> 00:18:22,324
should not be married,
I hereby...
426
00:18:22,409 --> 00:18:24,556
(Lois screaming in distance)
427
00:18:25,114 --> 00:18:25,963
(grunts)
428
00:18:26,268 --> 00:18:27,842
Wait! Stop!
429
00:18:27,994 --> 00:18:30,562
(all gasping, murmuring)
430
00:18:31,427 --> 00:18:32,593
What is this?
431
00:18:32,749 --> 00:18:34,351
In all my years
as a cool priest,
432
00:18:34,443 --> 00:18:35,775
I've never seen such a commotion
433
00:18:35,927 --> 00:18:37,760
at Our Lady
at the Bottom of the Hill.
434
00:18:37,854 --> 00:18:40,031
This woman tried
to take over my life
435
00:18:40,115 --> 00:18:41,614
and murder me and...
436
00:18:41,807 --> 00:18:43,950
Oh, my God,
you're the guitar priest.
437
00:18:44,101 --> 00:18:46,194
(chuckling):
Oh, boy, not this.
438
00:18:46,346 --> 00:18:48,346
This is the last thing I wanted.
439
00:18:48,515 --> 00:18:51,199
Okay, now,
who here knows "Jumper"?
440
00:18:51,292 --> 00:18:53,377
This is a very serious
accusation.
441
00:18:53,462 --> 00:18:55,870
- Is it true, Alana?
- I...
442
00:18:55,964 --> 00:18:57,607
I'm sorry, Lois.
443
00:18:57,691 --> 00:19:00,208
I just wanted your life
so badly.
444
00:19:00,302 --> 00:19:01,968
I've never seen a man
love his wife
445
00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:03,528
as much as Peter loves you.
446
00:19:03,621 --> 00:19:05,530
God, you need to get out more.
447
00:19:05,623 --> 00:19:08,300
And your beautiful children
and your dog.
448
00:19:08,384 --> 00:19:10,051
The baby, I never liked.
449
00:19:10,145 --> 00:19:11,478
Well, I was onto you, so...
450
00:19:11,629 --> 00:19:13,146
That's not why. (Yelps)
451
00:19:13,297 --> 00:19:14,964
And you were gonna marry her?
452
00:19:15,058 --> 00:19:16,390
I'm sorry, Lois.
453
00:19:16,543 --> 00:19:18,300
The only things I liked
about Alana
454
00:19:18,394 --> 00:19:20,071
was the stuff
she stole from you.
455
00:19:20,155 --> 00:19:23,656
But who needs her when I got
the genuine article right here?
456
00:19:23,808 --> 00:19:26,077
I guess what I'm trying
to say is:
457
00:19:26,161 --> 00:19:28,219
What's for dinner?
458
00:19:28,312 --> 00:19:30,163
Oh, Peter.
459
00:19:30,314 --> 00:19:34,252
♪ I wish you would step backfrom that ledge, my friend ♪
460
00:19:34,336 --> 00:19:36,996
You're under arrest,
Miss Fitzgerald.
461
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,731
Come on, you're coming with me.
462
00:19:39,824 --> 00:19:43,927
♪ I would understand ♪
463
00:19:45,162 --> 00:19:48,422
♪ I would understand... ♪
464
00:19:48,575 --> 00:19:50,850
This is probably, like,
my favorite arrest!
465
00:19:55,524 --> 00:19:57,357
[♪ ♪]
466
00:19:57,508 --> 00:19:59,359
(buzzer blares)
467
00:20:02,531 --> 00:20:04,438
Thanks for agreeing
to see me, Lois.
468
00:20:04,533 --> 00:20:06,181
Mm-hmm. Get on with it.
469
00:20:06,276 --> 00:20:08,535
What I did was unforgivable.
470
00:20:08,762 --> 00:20:10,680
I've had a lot of time
to think about things.
471
00:20:10,764 --> 00:20:12,539
You have nothing but time
in prison.
472
00:20:12,690 --> 00:20:14,615
- Really?
- I know it sounds crazy,
473
00:20:14,768 --> 00:20:16,859
but I miss the sound
of those kids' feet
474
00:20:16,995 --> 00:20:19,103
running to wake me up
at 6:00 in the morning.
475
00:20:19,196 --> 00:20:20,547
Wh-When do you wake up?
476
00:20:20,774 --> 00:20:22,708
I don't know,
whenever they serve breakfast.
477
00:20:22,792 --> 00:20:24,543
"They"? "Serve"?
478
00:20:24,627 --> 00:20:27,461
I guess you don't have to cook
for yourself in here, huh?
479
00:20:27,556 --> 00:20:29,398
You're not allowed to.
480
00:20:29,482 --> 00:20:30,631
I want to switch.
481
00:20:30,784 --> 00:20:31,966
GUARD:
Wrap it up, ladies.
482
00:20:32,060 --> 00:20:34,479
Inmate, you're gonna be late
for your knitting class.
483
00:20:34,563 --> 00:20:36,889
Knitting class? What stitch?
484
00:20:36,973 --> 00:20:38,380
All of them, I guess?
485
00:20:38,474 --> 00:20:41,901
I want to switch.
I want to switch.
486
00:20:42,053 --> 00:20:44,063
I want to switch!
487
00:20:44,147 --> 00:20:46,631
- STEWIE: And here ends our tale of...
- (Microphone thumping)
488
00:20:46,724 --> 00:20:48,400
Chris, Chris,
what are you doing?
489
00:20:48,484 --> 00:20:50,651
CHRIS: Dad said I can do voice-over, too.
490
00:20:50,804 --> 00:20:52,479
STEWIE: Ugh, fine, you
know what? You do it.
491
00:20:52,563 --> 00:20:54,573
CHRIS: I'm Chris Griffin, and I once saw
492
00:20:54,657 --> 00:20:56,501
a film called All About Beave,
493
00:20:56,585 --> 00:20:58,577
and it was nothing like this.
494
00:20:58,661 --> 00:21:00,837
Good night, everybody.
35076
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