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[man] 1, 2, 3...
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[♪ Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama]
3
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[children laughing and shouting]
4
00:00:50,925 --> 00:00:53,135
[kids] Hi, Grandpa!
5
00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:54,511
Hey!
6
00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:01,101
- Ahh!
- [girl] Grandpa, over here!
7
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:02,227
Oh!
8
00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:06,440
- Hey, hey, hey!
- [kids] Grandpa!
9
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:09,318
Everybody now, happy Fourth of July!
10
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Thanks, Grandpa!
11
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That's it, go ahead, kids.
12
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Dig in. I made 'em myself.
13
00:01:14,949 --> 00:01:16,241
- Bleh!
- Blech!
14
00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:19,119
[Grandpa] Pretty good.
How's that taste there, Timmy?
15
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:21,246
Uh, I'm not really hungry right now.
16
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,123
Why don't you tell us a story?
17
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:26,585
- Yeah! One of your great stories!
- Yeah, one of your stories!
18
00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:29,421
All right, how about the one
that you kids always love?
19
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:32,591
- The, uh... the story of Scrooge.
- Scrooge?!
20
00:01:32,675 --> 00:01:35,552
- The guy who hated Christmas?
- That's dumb.
21
00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:39,640
Well, uh, sort of, but this Scrooge
hated the Fourth of July.
22
00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:41,517
Why does he hate the Fourth of July?
23
00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:45,813
Well, uh, the story begins
high on a mountaintop,
24
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far away in Afghanistan.
25
00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:56,031
[Arabic music playing]
26
00:01:57,867 --> 00:01:59,952
- Mohammed?
- [all] Yes, sir?
27
00:02:00,036 --> 00:02:01,078
Quiet! Calm down!
28
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:05,415
- They're all named Mohammed, sir.
- Yes, of course.
29
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,417
I must remember to use last names.
30
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:09,795
- Hussein!
- [all] Yes, sir?
31
00:02:11,714 --> 00:02:13,382
For God's sake, you!
32
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:20,556
- [Aziz] Is that your brother?
- Hussein?
33
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:21,974
Why is he voting?
34
00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:24,726
It's not his fault.
He is the campaign manager.
35
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:27,396
- What? For who?
- Mohammed Hussein.
36
00:02:27,438 --> 00:02:30,858
- [all] Yes, sir!
- Quiet!
37
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:32,234
All right, everyone.
38
00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:35,487
Well, who's going to be the first?
39
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:37,948
I am.
40
00:02:38,032 --> 00:02:41,535
Ah, very good. Very good.
And what is your name, young man?
41
00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:43,579
- Mu...
- Forget it. Mount up.
42
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:47,374
- Allahu Akbar.
- What exactly did I volunteer for?
43
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:50,377
Messenger duty.
Excellent pay.
44
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:53,005
But, sir, this bicycle...
45
00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:55,549
- What's wrong?
- Well, it's kind of rickety.
46
00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:57,718
I don't know if it can
get back up the hill.
47
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,012
I wouldn't worry about that.
48
00:03:00,096 --> 00:03:02,556
- Maybe if I take some bombs off...
- No, no, no.
49
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:06,101
- It is a part of the uniform.
- Ah.
50
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:07,603
[brake handles squeaking]
51
00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:10,147
And it doesn't seem
to have any brakes.
52
00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:13,734
It's OK.
Allah will stop you.
53
00:03:13,776 --> 00:03:15,986
Of course.
54
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:24,286
Oh, yeah, Allah will stop me.
55
00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:27,247
Aah!
56
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:31,710
Aah!
57
00:03:31,794 --> 00:03:34,213
Oh!
58
00:03:34,297 --> 00:03:35,297
Jesus!
59
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,925
You! Go get him.
60
00:03:40,428 --> 00:03:44,181
- [moaning]
- I found the problem, sir!
61
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:47,017
This idiot forgot to pull the firing...
62
00:03:52,982 --> 00:03:54,441
[Ahmed] Don't you see?
63
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:57,110
We have at least destroyed
an infidel's car.
64
00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:59,738
That was my car.
65
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,001
[Aziz] What's going on here?
66
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,379
Huh? What are you people doing?
67
00:04:15,463 --> 00:04:17,798
Why are you voting
in this infidel election?
68
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,800
Because we want democracy,
69
00:04:19,842 --> 00:04:22,678
freedom, elect a president
who will be accountable.
70
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,013
Enough! Mohammed, take care of him!
71
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:27,808
Mohammed, what in the name
of Allah are you doing?
72
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:32,020
I'm not voting for president. But I feel
strongly about Proposition 12.
73
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,523
A marriage should be
between a man and a woman.
74
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,527
Or between a man
and a really good-looking man.
75
00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:42,698
- Shut up.
- This is what you vote for?
76
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,701
That and immigration.
We need a guest worker program
77
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:48,620
so that the Mexicans can do the job
the Taliban won't.
78
00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:50,872
[mariachi music blaring on radio]
79
00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:58,797
These Western ideas are dangerous.
80
00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:00,716
We must resist them at every turn.
81
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,218
Leader, we're not strong anymore.
82
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,721
Since the Americans came,
people have hope.
83
00:05:05,763 --> 00:05:09,516
- They are voting, woman own businesses.
- Yes, it is getting harder
84
00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,519
to find suicide bombers,
and all the good ones are gone.
85
00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:16,106
Sir, I think we might need
a new recruitment video.
86
00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:17,983
Look, ours...
87
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:20,736
it looks, you know, cheap.
88
00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:25,699
[announcer] This video will teach you
89
00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:27,826
Here are Ahmed and Ahman
90
00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:30,912
They may be brothers,
but they couldn't be more different
91
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,623
Ahmed knows punctuality is important
92
00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:36,626
He's sure to leave plenty of time
to get to his bombing site.
93
00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:38,378
[Ahmed screaming, indistinct]
94
00:05:40,089 --> 00:05:43,425
[announcer] Ahman leaves
everything to the last minute
95
00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:45,510
[Ahman] Oh, shit!
96
00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:48,347
[announcer] Ahmed double checks
the address of the site
97
00:05:48,431 --> 00:05:49,765
so there are no mistakes
98
00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,308
Ahman doesn't
99
00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:53,143
2518, 2519...
100
00:05:53,227 --> 00:05:54,936
Shit!
101
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,230
[announcer] Ahmed dresses properly
102
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wearing clothing that is loose enough
to hide his explosives.
103
00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:03,445
Ahman dresses inappropriately
104
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:08,784
Oh. You are right.
It is awful.
105
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,577
If I may suggest, sir,
106
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:14,581
what we need is
a real Hollywood director to help us.
107
00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:18,335
But he must hate America.
108
00:06:18,419 --> 00:06:21,463
This won't be hard to find in
Hollywood. They all hate America.
109
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:25,842
Yes, but your average, girly-man
Hollywood director won't be enough.
110
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:30,972
What we need is someone
who really, really hates America.
111
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,977
[man] Is the camera on?
OK, action. Ahem.
112
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,021
I am on the island
paradise, Cuba,
113
00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:40,148
where there's a hospital
on every block.
114
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:43,693
As we can see, Cubans have the very best
health care in the world.
115
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:45,862
Not like America,
where it can kill you.
116
00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:48,698
I've got two Americans here,
Bob and Joan Friedman,
117
00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:51,868
injured during Hurricane Katrina,
caused by you know who.
118
00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:54,371
But haven't been able
to get an American doctor
119
00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:57,666
to pay a house call to their
gated community in Shaker Heights.
120
00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:00,877
- [man] Another mojito!
- Why? Because we're spending money
121
00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:03,672
on military buildup
for this phony war on terror.
122
00:07:03,714 --> 00:07:07,551
Doctor, we just want the same care
you give your own people.
123
00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:09,052
OK, then get in line.
124
00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:10,178
Oh, oh! Comrades!
125
00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:13,014
- [man] End of the line, gringo!
- [man 2] No skipping!
126
00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:15,684
Cuba is famous for its
free prescription drug plan.
127
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:16,935
What do you have for me?
128
00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:18,562
- Take these.
- OK.
129
00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:19,980
These are breath mints.
130
00:07:20,022 --> 00:07:23,775
- Sí, señor. Take two.
- [exhaling] Huh?
131
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:25,735
OK, pal, there ya go.
132
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,863
Free. That'll make you feel better.
133
00:07:27,905 --> 00:07:29,448
- There you go.
- Huh?
134
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,451
Free. You know, in America,
that'd cost an arm and a leg.
135
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:35,620
- Aw, jeez. Dude.
- Sorry.
136
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:38,290
That's OK, Paco, you'll be
back on your feet in no time.
137
00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:39,708
- Cuba. More...
- Ready...
138
00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:40,876
- than the jewel...
- Aim...
139
00:07:40,918 --> 00:07:42,043
- of the Caribbean.
- Fire!
140
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:45,505
- A country that cares for its citizens.
- [woman] Finally, we can move up!
141
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,174
God! This is paradise!
142
00:07:47,216 --> 00:07:50,719
I gotta get back, but I can be
assured that my American friends
143
00:07:50,761 --> 00:07:53,722
are in good hands
in the Cuban health care system.
144
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:56,057
[Malone on bullhorn]
It's time for me to leave
145
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:59,728
and say goodbye
to all my little brown friends.
146
00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:01,062
And it's off to America.
147
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,314
[woman] America!
148
00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:03,690
[man] He's going to America!
149
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:05,025
[man 2] He said America!
150
00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:06,568
[people shouting]
151
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:08,945
- Take me!
- Take me!
152
00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:11,531
I do want to say...
153
00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:14,451
Whoa! Get out! Get out!
154
00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:15,952
[screaming]
155
00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:20,499
[Malone] So many people wanted
to thank me, they rushed the boat
156
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:23,793
These people know how bad
it's gotten in America.
157
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:28,006
Well, I guess they wanted me to spread
the word about what a paradise Cuba is
158
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:31,468
- [screaming]
- Aah! Off my boat!
159
00:08:31,552 --> 00:08:32,552
Yeah!
160
00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:35,055
[Grandpa] He thought
everybody loved his movies
161
00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:36,556
- [girl] Did they?
- No!
162
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:39,851
Nobody loves documentaries.
But people do find them restful
163
00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:41,978
[yawning]
164
00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:43,647
[Malone] Thank you! Thank you!
165
00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:44,856
Thank you!
166
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:48,193
Thank you for that
great New York reception.
167
00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,487
But as important as this movie is,
168
00:08:50,571 --> 00:08:54,366
even more important is
the largest peace demonstration
169
00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:56,117
the world has ever known.
170
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:59,621
This Sunday,
we're gonna abolish July 4th.
171
00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:00,747
[cheering]
172
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,499
[girl] Why did he hate Fourth of July?
173
00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:05,961
[boy] It was America's birthday
party and he wasn't invited.
174
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:08,505
[kids] Grandpa, get back to the story!
175
00:09:08,589 --> 00:09:11,716
We're sending packages to soldiers
for the Fourth of July.
176
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:14,886
They're far from their home,
away from their families.
177
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:18,557
They shouldn't be. Shouldn't you
be in a tent somewhere, tyin' knots?
178
00:09:20,142 --> 00:09:23,436
Oh, ho, now, this is more like it!
There ya go.
179
00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:27,983
I'll take three chocolate mints,
three fudge...
180
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:30,360
Oh, merit badges.
What are those for?
181
00:09:30,444 --> 00:09:33,446
Oh. Well, this is for making
a safety display.
182
00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:37,158
This one's for camping,
and this is a good manners badge.
183
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,493
Oh!
184
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,870
For being respectful
to a fat, ignorant,
185
00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:42,289
traitorous sack of shit.
186
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,375
[girl] Grandpa!
187
00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:46,960
- Grandpa!
- [boy] I heard you!
188
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,795
Oh, what? I didn't say that.
189
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:49,921
I said, uh...
190
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:52,674
Fat, ignorant, America-hating traitor.
191
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:54,759
- You did say that.
- No, I didn't.
192
00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:56,845
[Malone] Ha ha! The spirit is back.
193
00:09:56,887 --> 00:10:00,557
We are on a roll, people.
This rally will be historic.
194
00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:03,727
- Most important since Nixon.
- Nixon?
195
00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:06,396
Total dork president
from around the Civil War.
196
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,857
All the most important
progressive organizations
197
00:10:08,899 --> 00:10:10,233
will be represented. Jane?
198
00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:13,903
So far, People
For The Anti-American Way,
199
00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:17,657
Vegans Against Fur,
Man-boy Love Boat,
200
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:20,744
Potawamie Casino,
Church of Entitlement,
201
00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:22,203
- and, um...
- And?
202
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:25,165
And...it's still early.
203
00:10:25,207 --> 00:10:26,249
The rally's Sunday!
204
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,084
Don't worry, we'll get more.
205
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:30,754
We're not shaving till
they bring the troops home.
206
00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:33,506
- Thank you, boys.
- They're women.
207
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,302
[Malone] Right.
208
00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:38,470
Like all of us.
209
00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:43,892
We have to ban military recruiters
from college campuses. They interfere...
210
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:45,143
Excuse me.
211
00:10:45,227 --> 00:10:48,063
Oh. Are you here to join
Sailors Against War?
212
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:50,982
No, uh, I think all sailors
are against war,
213
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:52,651
but sometimes we have to fight.
214
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,069
Soldiers Against Guns?
215
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:57,113
No. Those guns come in handy
when we do fight.
216
00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,574
The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Brigade?
217
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:02,035
No, uh, please.
218
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:04,996
I'm just here looking for my uncle.
His name is... Oh.
219
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:10,085
- Uncle Michael, hey.
- Huh? Josh?
220
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:15,548
Hey. This is my... nephew.
221
00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:19,302
Josh. He's, uh...
222
00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:20,970
What are you doin' here?
223
00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:24,391
I came here to invite you
to our Fourth of July barbecue,
224
00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:25,725
like I do every year.
225
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:29,562
Well, that's very nice of you... again,
but I'm a little busy here.
226
00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:32,190
"Abolish July 4th." Are you kidding?
227
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:35,443
This is no joke.
Why should I celebrate a country
228
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:39,030
that's caused oppression and terror
all over the world?
229
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:40,240
Is that how he felt?
230
00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:42,826
He was a war hero.
P.T. 109.
231
00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:45,620
He would've come around.
If he were alive today,
232
00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:48,456
this Sunday, he'd be
marchin' with us in solidarity.
233
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,418
Uncle Michael, I realize
how strongly you feel,
234
00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:54,671
- but Lily and I just...
- [mice squeaking]
235
00:11:54,755 --> 00:11:57,090
We won't be going too late.
236
00:11:57,133 --> 00:12:00,260
A lot of our guests are going
to the Trace Adkins concert.
237
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:04,639
- Who's Trace Adkins?
- I'm good.
238
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,725
He's a big country music star.
239
00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:09,477
Maybe not in New York,
but in the rest of the country.
240
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,479
Country music doesn't speak to me.
241
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:14,691
Not just because the music's awful
or the lyrics are stupid,
242
00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:18,236
or everybody dresses like that cowboy
from the Village People.
243
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,531
- How's little Billy?
- Timmy.
244
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:24,617
Not very well, I'm afraid,
but he's got great spirit.
245
00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:27,829
- He'd love to see you.
- Well, maybe I'll stop by next week.
246
00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,998
It'll probably be too late.
247
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,668
- Oh, little Jimmy.
- Timmy.
248
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:37,255
No. He'll probably
still be around, but...
249
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,966
I'm shipping out to
the Persian Gulf Sunday night.
250
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,385
Well, can't you get out of it?
251
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:45,513
I want to go. It's my duty.
252
00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:48,099
I don't get it.
How can you be related to me?
253
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:52,020
Mr. Malone, your 1:00 is here
with people from Abolish The Military.
254
00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:56,733
Well, I guess I got some work to do.
255
00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:59,819
Well, you're invited
in case you change your mind.
256
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:00,945
Right. Sure.
257
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,323
Uncle Michael, I came
here in good spirits,
258
00:13:03,365 --> 00:13:05,825
and I don't want to let
anything change that.
259
00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:09,162
Happy Fourth of July, everyone,
and God bless America!
260
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:12,499
[Josh] ♪ My country
'tis of thee
261
00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:13,625
♪ Sweet land of..
262
00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:15,335
♪ Liberty
263
00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:18,421
♪ Lighted up by the rockets
in the air...
264
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:21,007
- [kids shouting]
- Grandpa, get back to the story!
265
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:22,634
I've never left it.
266
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:28,348
[jazz music playing]
267
00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:36,856
I'm meeting my agent, Todd Grosslight.
268
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,233
Oh, yes.
269
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,569
I'm sorry, sir, but gentlemen
are required to wear a jacket.
270
00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:43,279
Look, don't you know who I am?
271
00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:44,823
I'm Michael Malone.
272
00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:48,243
Well, then perhaps a shower as well.
273
00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:53,414
What the hell? I didn't make
the top 10? That's impossible!
274
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:57,293
Apparently, the people who like
your movies don't actually go to movies.
275
00:13:57,378 --> 00:14:00,839
No one wants to see Americans
screwed by foreigners, except in porn.
276
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:02,632
I haven't done porn in years!
277
00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:05,885
- [music stops]
- [nervous chuckle]
278
00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:11,099
- Anyway, I'm an Oscar-winning director.
- For a documentary. Come on.
279
00:14:11,141 --> 00:14:12,934
I know that.
280
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:15,270
I gotta do a feature like John Ford.
281
00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:18,106
That man was a true filmmaker.
282
00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:22,026
The sweeping vision, the amazing
panoramas of Monument Valley.
283
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:23,695
And soldiers were good guys.
284
00:14:23,779 --> 00:14:27,073
But you're leading
a demonstration against our troops.
285
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:29,242
Oh, right, on the Fourth of July.
286
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:32,620
- It's not against the troops.
- Oh, save it for your crazies.
287
00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:35,206
Look, Mikey,
288
00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:39,085
this is a fickle town.
289
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,254
See the maitre d' over there, huh?
290
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:43,464
Used to be recurring on Seinfeld.
291
00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:47,343
Hey, call me. [laughs]
292
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,512
Now, what is this feature
you have in mind?
293
00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:53,641
It's a powerful drama about oppressed
people adrift in a world gone mad.
294
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:54,767
Hmm!
295
00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:58,980
It's anti-everything-America-stands-for
without being anti-American.
296
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,481
Hmm...
297
00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:04,861
Fascist America?
Comedy, right?
298
00:15:04,945 --> 00:15:06,863
Wow. [sniffs]
Did you bathe today?
299
00:15:06,947 --> 00:15:08,823
No.
300
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,826
[orchestra playing]
301
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:15,121
[announcer] And now,
live from New York City
302
00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:17,540
it's the MooveAlong.org Film Awards
303
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:20,793
hosted by Paris Hilton and Simon Rex
304
00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:22,670
And now, here are your hosts
305
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:24,714
Paris Hilton and Simon Rex
306
00:15:24,798 --> 00:15:28,343
We are gathered here tonight
because we all share the same goals:
307
00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:32,013
redistribution of wealth,
freedom from the chains of materialism,
308
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,474
and, of course, ending world hunger.
309
00:15:34,516 --> 00:15:37,310
- [applause]
- Finally. I'm starving.
310
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:41,940
It's our pleasure to present
the most prestigious honor
311
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:44,692
in documentary film,
the Leni Riefenstahl Award.
312
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:46,569
[applause, music]
313
00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:49,530
[Rex] As Germany's most famous
documentary filmmaker,
314
00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:52,325
Leni Riefenstahl
celebrated the incredible rise
315
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,369
of Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler,
316
00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:57,747
becoming a tireless promoter
of his campaign for change.
317
00:15:57,831 --> 00:16:00,541
Her pioneering use
of the wide-angle lens
318
00:16:00,584 --> 00:16:03,294
to capture the scope
of massive formations
319
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:06,005
paved the way for
generations of filmmakers.
320
00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:08,716
Through the creative
manipulation of truth,
321
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:13,304
she was able to influence history,
demonstrating the power of film.
322
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:17,558
[Hilton] Although resulting
in the death of over 60 million people,
323
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:20,269
her place in any cinematic
hall of fame is secure.
324
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:24,774
And this year's award
for best documentary director goes to...
325
00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:28,569
Michael Malone for
Die, You American Pigs
326
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:32,365
[announcer] This is Michael Malone's
third Moove Along award.
327
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:36,035
He previously won for his documentaries
Shame On You, America,
328
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,955
- and America Sucks A Big One.
- Oh, OK.
329
00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:42,917
Hey. I try to tell the truth
in my films, and I get attacked...
330
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,586
- [orchestra playing]
- but I'm gonna continue...
331
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:46,713
Oh. Ha.
332
00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:48,047
Oh. What is that?
333
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:51,676
Ooh! Ooh!
334
00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:58,433
Get my good side.
335
00:16:58,475 --> 00:17:01,394
That concludes the non-televised
portion of the show.
336
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:02,729
- [drum roll]
- Huh?
337
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,814
And now the highlight of the evening:
338
00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:07,066
Best Feature Film Director.
339
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,943
And the award goes to...
340
00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:11,779
[both] George Mulrooney!
341
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:14,115
For That McCarthy Sure Was Bad
342
00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:16,451
[announcer] The heroic story
of newscaster
343
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:20,788
Edward R. Murrow, who half a century
ago took on a drunken U.S. Senator
344
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:23,124
who accused people
of being communists
345
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,626
This is Mulrooney's
19th Moove Along Award
346
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:29,088
to go with his 11 Oscars, 9 Emmys
and two Super Bowl rings.
347
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:32,133
Thank you. I... I dedicate this award
348
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:34,635
to all the courageous filmmakers
349
00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:36,471
who take on tough issues
350
00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:39,140
like McCarthyism,
even though it no longer exists,
351
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:42,477
or like slavery or Nazism,
even though they ended, too.
352
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:46,105
But you know, evil exists today.
Like, well, Islamic terrorism.
353
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:49,233
[laughing] But like I'm gonna
make that movie, right?
354
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:52,612
Like I want to get beheaded. [choking]
355
00:17:52,654 --> 00:17:56,032
- [orchestra playing]
- [Mulrooney laughing]
356
00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:58,701
- Thank you!
- [woman] George! Over here!
357
00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:00,995
Aah!
358
00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:03,164
Ooh! Oh!
359
00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:18,137
Huh!
360
00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:21,057
Oh! [chuckling]
361
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,936
Wow. Mulrooney's so hot.
362
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:28,272
Huh? Huh?
363
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,358
Excuse us, Director Michael Malone.
364
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,860
I am Ahmed, and this is
my comrade Mohammed.
365
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:33,945
Nice to meet you.
366
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:38,199
Wait, no. We want you to direct a movie
to inspire the final jihad.
367
00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:42,912
Oh, thanks, fellas, great idea,
but I'm only doin' big-budget features.
368
00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:44,956
How big of a budget would you need?
369
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,083
A feature? 10 million minimum.
370
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:49,168
Call me when you sold enough falafel.
371
00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:55,007
Ahmed, Mohammed.
372
00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:56,175
[both] Who are you?
373
00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:57,510
It's me.
374
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:01,556
- Aziz!
- Shh!
375
00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:06,018
- What are you doing here?
- We have a more important mission.
376
00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:08,229
- But the movie.
- It can wait.
377
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:11,941
This will be the most spectacular attack
on the infidels ever.
378
00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:15,486
But we need to find someone important
with the right connections.
379
00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:18,072
[Malone] I'm directing
Mulrooney's next picture.
380
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,366
- Someone like that.
- Director Akbar?
381
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,910
Yes. What will it take
to get him to cooperate?
382
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,370
[both] $10 million.
383
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:27,331
Well, the opium crop
is very good this year.
384
00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:29,292
Money will be no problem.
385
00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:30,918
Allahu Akbar
386
00:19:32,462 --> 00:19:34,589
So I said to Spielberg,
Steve, you can't...
387
00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:36,174
Ooh, crab cakes.
388
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,259
Say, want to go to Clint's
party with me?
389
00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:39,427
Director Akbar!
390
00:19:39,469 --> 00:19:43,264
- We have glorious news for you...
- George! George!
391
00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:44,432
We have 10 million.
392
00:19:44,474 --> 00:19:47,768
Must have been a good opium
crop this year. George, over here.
393
00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:51,480
- 10 million U.S. dollars, cash.
- Cash? Right!
394
00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:54,066
- Good! So you'll do it.
- Yeah, right.
395
00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:57,111
Have your people contact my people.
396
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:00,448
I bet she would look great in a burka.
397
00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:04,493
[Entertainment Tonight
theme music playing]
398
00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:08,039
[humming along]
399
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,124
[Mary Hart] Now, Entertainment Tonight
400
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:13,961
takes you behind the scenes
to discover where are they now?
401
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:17,632
We're going to find out
whatever happened to Michael Malone
402
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,759
the beefy filmmaker who's trying to get
403
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:22,678
a new movie off the ground
a feature. [laughs]
404
00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:25,223
After the news that
his latest movie tanked..
405
00:20:25,307 --> 00:20:28,392
- What?!
- Who is gonna bankroll that?
406
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:31,270
This past Tuesday,
we finally tracked down
407
00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:33,314
Clyde the orangutan..
408
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:36,984
[Seinfeld-like music playing]
409
00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:40,029
- Are you sure you have $10 million?
- Absolutely.
410
00:20:40,113 --> 00:20:41,906
Then why'd you come to me?
411
00:20:41,990 --> 00:20:45,243
We heard you're a big, fat liar. Aah!
412
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:47,995
Sorry. My friend is not detonating
on all cylinders.
413
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,998
He meant, your movies
are filled with big, fat lies.
414
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,168
It's OK. They're documentaries.
They don't have to be true.
415
00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:56,295
Look, I love America.
416
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:59,590
That's why it needs to be destroyed,
so it'll come to its senses.
417
00:20:59,675 --> 00:21:02,218
Right. Well, anyway,
we need your help.
418
00:21:02,302 --> 00:21:04,345
No matter how many people we kill,
419
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:06,180
we cannot get rid of the Americans.
420
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,349
We need a movie that shows
we are winning.
421
00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:09,809
Even though we're not. Aah!
422
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:12,019
Director Akbar, we already have an idea.
423
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:14,689
It's a traditional Taliban love story.
424
00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:18,234
Boy meets girl, boy falls in love
with girl, boy cuts girl's head off.
425
00:21:18,318 --> 00:21:19,610
What?
426
00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:22,363
Happy ending. He preserves his honor.
427
00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:25,866
Look, guys, I'm not gonna do a movie
about homicidal psychopaths
428
00:21:25,909 --> 00:21:27,368
who cut people's heads off.
429
00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,329
I'll do it, but it's gonna be my script.
430
00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:32,999
Dramatic story about
how one courageous man
431
00:21:33,041 --> 00:21:35,543
took on the system
and exposed America's evil.
432
00:21:35,585 --> 00:21:38,337
Like Hannah Montana. Wait!
433
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:42,591
- Thank you. Oh!
- [Seinfeld-like music playing]
434
00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:44,719
You gonna finish that?
435
00:21:44,761 --> 00:21:47,096
Wait. He's going to work
for terrorists?
436
00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:50,850
- It's looking that way, isn't it?
- Doesn't that make him a terrorist?
437
00:21:50,892 --> 00:21:53,602
[girl] No, silly.
That just makes him a total idiot.
438
00:21:55,605 --> 00:21:57,440
[announcer] ...first-place tie
439
00:21:57,524 --> 00:21:58,733
[changing channels]
440
00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:02,278
[announcer] John F. Kennedy,
35th president of the United States
441
00:22:02,362 --> 00:22:04,989
cut down by an assassin's bullet
442
00:22:05,073 --> 00:22:09,160
The tears were not only for a president
but for what he stood for,
443
00:22:09,244 --> 00:22:11,579
the causes he held dear
444
00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:15,291
[Kennedy] Let us never
negotiate out of fear,
445
00:22:15,375 --> 00:22:20,421
- but let us never fear to negotiate
- My hero. A man of peace.
446
00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:22,548
If only you were president now.
447
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:25,843
Wait
448
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:32,683
If I were president, what?
449
00:22:33,894 --> 00:22:35,436
[Malone gasping]
450
00:22:35,479 --> 00:22:38,939
You said that I was a hero
a true peacemaker.
451
00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:43,736
[Malone] You can't be here!
452
00:22:43,779 --> 00:22:45,363
You're dead!
453
00:22:45,447 --> 00:22:49,408
- You must redeem yourself.
- How'd you do that?
454
00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:51,952
This is the greatest country
in history,
455
00:22:52,037 --> 00:22:54,497
and you have slandered it
all over the globe.
456
00:22:54,581 --> 00:22:57,875
I was tryin' to be like you.
You wouldn't have gone into Vietnam.
457
00:22:57,959 --> 00:23:00,544
- Who told you that?
- Oliver Stone. In his movie.
458
00:23:00,629 --> 00:23:03,631
Oh, brother! Did you
ever read my inaugural address?
459
00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:07,343
Of course! "Ask not what
your country can do for you.
460
00:23:07,427 --> 00:23:08,969
Ask what..." Aah!
461
00:23:09,012 --> 00:23:12,056
Not that part.
The part about going to war.
462
00:23:12,140 --> 00:23:14,433
- There was a war part?
- Oh, brother.
463
00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:20,815
Let every nation know
464
00:23:20,857 --> 00:23:23,317
whether they wish us well or ill
465
00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:25,778
that we shall pay any price
466
00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:27,780
bear any burden..
467
00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:28,823
[tapping screen]
468
00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:32,284
meet any hardship, support any friend
469
00:23:32,327 --> 00:23:37,331
oppose any foe, to assure the survival
470
00:23:37,374 --> 00:23:38,999
and the success of liberty
471
00:23:39,042 --> 00:23:41,585
Uh, thanks, folks
472
00:23:41,670 --> 00:23:45,005
Oh!
I didn't know about the war part.
473
00:23:45,048 --> 00:23:48,259
What do you think that meant?
Draft another 8 U.N. Resolutions?
474
00:23:48,343 --> 00:23:49,760
You sound like Reagan.
475
00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:52,263
Thank you.
You're not gonna eat that, are you?
476
00:23:52,347 --> 00:23:56,058
OK, look, you will be
visited by three spirits.
477
00:23:56,143 --> 00:23:57,351
Listen to them.
478
00:23:57,394 --> 00:23:58,394
Learn from them.
479
00:23:58,478 --> 00:23:59,645
Oh, yeah.
480
00:23:59,688 --> 00:24:04,108
The spirits are gonna come scare me,
and I'm gonna be born again, right?
481
00:24:05,819 --> 00:24:07,236
What a douchebag.
482
00:24:09,656 --> 00:24:10,698
Hey, wait!
483
00:24:10,740 --> 00:24:13,617
Hey, when are these spirits
gonna... Aah!
484
00:24:19,249 --> 00:24:22,251
[alarm clock beeping]
485
00:24:24,671 --> 00:24:25,838
Oh!
486
00:24:27,757 --> 00:24:29,133
What a nightmare.
487
00:24:30,385 --> 00:24:31,635
I'm gonna be late!
488
00:24:33,597 --> 00:24:34,638
Ooh!
489
00:24:34,723 --> 00:24:37,057
[Grandpa] He rushed
to Columbia University
490
00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:39,602
to lead a demonstration
against the troops.
491
00:24:39,686 --> 00:24:42,730
- [girl] What's a demonstration?
- Well, in this case,
492
00:24:42,814 --> 00:24:46,734
it's when students show how much they
don't know by repeating it loudly.
493
00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:50,070
[protesters chanting]
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
494
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:53,199
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
495
00:24:53,241 --> 00:24:55,117
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
496
00:24:55,202 --> 00:24:56,952
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
497
00:24:57,037 --> 00:24:58,579
Peace, yes, recruiters, no!
498
00:24:58,663 --> 00:25:01,916
[Malone] There is nothing more important
than stopping war!
499
00:25:01,958 --> 00:25:04,502
No more wars! No more wars!
500
00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:08,172
Because instead of fighting,
we should talk to our enemies!
501
00:25:08,256 --> 00:25:10,132
Talk, don't fight! Talk, don't fight!
502
00:25:10,217 --> 00:25:14,803
Right! Right! Don't believe
the government lies!
503
00:25:14,888 --> 00:25:17,348
Don't believe lies! Don't believe lies!
504
00:25:17,432 --> 00:25:20,684
Good... good.
That's good chanting. Good.
505
00:25:20,769 --> 00:25:24,605
There is no terrorist threat!
The government just wants to...
506
00:25:24,689 --> 00:25:27,316
The government just wants!
The government just wants!
507
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:31,153
That doesn't make any sense.
Please hang on a second. Please, OK?
508
00:25:31,238 --> 00:25:32,404
[chanting stops]
509
00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:35,115
The government is exaggerating
the terrorist threat
510
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:36,992
for its own nefarious purposes!
511
00:25:37,077 --> 00:25:40,704
What does nefarious mean?
What does nefarious mean?
512
00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:44,250
Well, you know, it means...
just hang on a second.
513
00:25:44,292 --> 00:25:47,127
Can we just stop chanting, please?
514
00:25:47,170 --> 00:25:50,297
- Stop, don't chant! Stop, don't...
- Will you shut up?!
515
00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:52,508
Just shut up for a second!
516
00:25:52,592 --> 00:25:57,304
OK, uh... can we just try
to listen for a minute
517
00:25:57,389 --> 00:25:58,847
without the chanting?
518
00:25:58,932 --> 00:26:01,183
OK, we have to stop...
519
00:26:01,268 --> 00:26:03,727
Hey! Free history term papers!
520
00:26:03,812 --> 00:26:05,104
- [shouting]
- Whoa!
521
00:26:05,146 --> 00:26:06,814
Oh!
522
00:26:10,151 --> 00:26:11,527
Ooh!
523
00:26:15,824 --> 00:26:17,199
Ooh, thanks a lot.
524
00:26:17,284 --> 00:26:18,659
That got a little wild.
525
00:26:20,912 --> 00:26:24,873
Hey, who are you?
Army recruitin' senior citizens?
526
00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:26,417
Aah! Hey!
527
00:26:26,501 --> 00:26:31,797
That's "Hey, sir", maggot.
I am General George S. Patton.
528
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,507
That explains the slapping.
529
00:26:33,550 --> 00:26:36,218
You're General George Patton,
from the movie?
530
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:42,141
No. From the United States Army,
back when this country was winning wars.
531
00:26:42,183 --> 00:26:45,185
Oh, my God, JFK.
532
00:26:45,270 --> 00:26:50,065
"You will be visited by three..."
Aah! Hey! What's with all the slapping?
533
00:26:50,150 --> 00:26:52,568
It's my trademark.
534
00:26:52,652 --> 00:26:55,654
Well, maybe you ought
to try a baseball cap.
535
00:26:55,697 --> 00:26:57,239
[protesters] No more war!
536
00:26:57,324 --> 00:26:58,907
No more war!
537
00:26:58,992 --> 00:27:00,284
No more war!
538
00:27:00,368 --> 00:27:03,037
- Hey, where am I?
- No more war!
539
00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:05,289
We pledge ourselves!
540
00:27:05,373 --> 00:27:09,627
We will not support the United States
in any war!
541
00:27:09,711 --> 00:27:11,712
Right on, sister.
542
00:27:11,755 --> 00:27:15,090
- So, what's goin' on here?
- Damn peace demonstration.
543
00:27:15,175 --> 00:27:18,802
Just like yours, only this is 1940.
They don't want us to fight Hitler.
544
00:27:18,887 --> 00:27:21,555
- So they can't see us.
- Right.
545
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,140
Hmm. Aah!
546
00:27:23,224 --> 00:27:25,225
This is gonna be harder than I thought.
547
00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:27,436
I'm startin' to notice a pattern here.
548
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:30,856
- Anyway, this never happened!
- This absolutely happened.
549
00:27:30,899 --> 00:27:35,152
Well, they're pacifists. They understand
war doesn't solve problems.
550
00:27:35,236 --> 00:27:38,364
The only way is to sign
agreements like civilized people,
551
00:27:38,406 --> 00:27:42,326
- not like sadistic movie generals.
- That general you saw was an actor!
552
00:27:42,410 --> 00:27:44,912
I'll show you what
the real Patton was up against!
553
00:27:48,249 --> 00:27:51,418
OK, where are we now?
Who's the guy dressed as a butler?
554
00:27:51,461 --> 00:27:53,462
Germany, September, 1938.
555
00:27:53,546 --> 00:27:57,132
That's Neville Chamberlain,
weak-assed prime minister of England.
556
00:27:57,217 --> 00:28:00,010
Shh. He's gettin' a signed agreement.
557
00:28:00,095 --> 00:28:03,389
[Chamberlain] Right. This gives you
all the Sudetenland,
558
00:28:03,431 --> 00:28:06,350
Austria, and a couple countries
I can't pronounce.
559
00:28:06,434 --> 00:28:08,310
And we'll throw in Czechoslovakia.
560
00:28:08,395 --> 00:28:11,772
So that's C A, no. T... Oh!
561
00:28:11,815 --> 00:28:13,273
Let's make it Poland.
562
00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:16,151
The important thing is we now have hope.
563
00:28:16,236 --> 00:28:19,029
See? He stands for what's important.
564
00:28:19,114 --> 00:28:21,240
Does that look like standing to you?
565
00:28:22,283 --> 00:28:25,244
- There. How's that?
- You missed a spot.
566
00:28:25,286 --> 00:28:28,831
[Patton] Hey! Don't you see these guys
are playin' you for a fool?
567
00:28:28,915 --> 00:28:29,957
[whistling]
568
00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:33,669
- War is not the answer.
- [Patton] You wimpy little bastard!
569
00:28:33,753 --> 00:28:36,547
You're givin' this Nazi everything
and gettin' nothin' in return!
570
00:28:36,631 --> 00:28:39,007
Not nothing. We get peace.
571
00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:42,469
♪ Kumbaya, my lord
572
00:28:42,512 --> 00:28:45,973
- ♪ Kumbaya
- And a damn fine cup of tea.
573
00:28:46,558 --> 00:28:49,351
Und we'll name
a concentration camp after you.
574
00:28:49,436 --> 00:28:52,396
Think of it...
Camp Auschwitz Chamberlain.
575
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:53,522
Lovely.
576
00:28:55,024 --> 00:28:56,483
Hang on. I'm good at this.
577
00:28:56,526 --> 00:28:58,485
Mr. Herr President,
578
00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:01,739
obviously America's done
something wrong to make you
579
00:29:01,823 --> 00:29:04,283
want to invade these countries
and kill innocent people.
580
00:29:04,325 --> 00:29:08,162
- I'm just as frustrated as you.
- Excuse me, Fuhrer...
581
00:29:08,246 --> 00:29:10,497
- ♪ You're a grand old flag..
- May I have a word?
582
00:29:10,540 --> 00:29:14,418
Hang on. America keeps doing things
to piss off the rest of the world.
583
00:29:14,502 --> 00:29:15,794
We bring it on ourselves.
584
00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:19,089
What do we do to address
your understandable grievances?
585
00:29:19,174 --> 00:29:21,049
How about carbon emission credits?
586
00:29:21,134 --> 00:29:23,594
That'll offset your need to invade
France...
587
00:29:23,678 --> 00:29:24,970
Aah!
588
00:29:25,013 --> 00:29:27,097
[soldiers] I don't know,
but I been told,
589
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:29,099
kill some Jews and take their gold.
590
00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:33,145
Third floor. Right. Sorry.
591
00:29:33,188 --> 00:29:36,273
They really should add flying
to the things we can do.
592
00:29:36,357 --> 00:29:40,194
My point is talking to evil dictators
gets you nothing.
593
00:29:40,278 --> 00:29:42,196
You know one thing they understand?
594
00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:44,782
I'm guessing some sort
of physical violence.
595
00:29:44,866 --> 00:29:48,202
- Strength. That's the only thing.
- Right. I'll remember that.
596
00:29:48,244 --> 00:29:50,871
Is there anything you think
is worth fighting for?
597
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:54,792
Well, I'd kill to do a feature.
Now, can we please just go home?
598
00:29:54,876 --> 00:29:58,378
Sure thing. Right home.
Cigar?
599
00:29:58,421 --> 00:30:02,049
And support the imperialist
big business tobacco lobby? Never.
600
00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:03,175
It's Cuban.
601
00:30:03,218 --> 00:30:07,221
Hmm... I guess I can make an exception.
602
00:30:07,305 --> 00:30:11,058
Ah! Takes me back.
603
00:30:11,142 --> 00:30:12,392
What the hell is this?
604
00:30:12,435 --> 00:30:16,104
- Your home. Maloneville, Alabama.
- I live in Alabama?
605
00:30:16,189 --> 00:30:19,858
Didn't you hear? Around 1860,
all the good jobs started to move south.
606
00:30:19,901 --> 00:30:22,027
- After the Civil War?
- There was no war.
607
00:30:22,070 --> 00:30:24,571
Lincoln agreed with you.
War was not the answer.
608
00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:27,449
- Saved 600,000 American lives.
- Well, that's good.
609
00:30:27,534 --> 00:30:29,868
Good move for the economy here, too.
610
00:30:29,911 --> 00:30:32,371
- What? Why?
- Cheap labor.
611
00:30:32,413 --> 00:30:35,207
Mass'a Malone! Mass'a Malone!
612
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:37,918
I had the boys polish your trophies
like you told us.
613
00:30:37,961 --> 00:30:39,419
Polish my trophies?
614
00:30:39,504 --> 00:30:41,755
I ain't know they
gave awards for a documentary.
615
00:30:41,798 --> 00:30:45,259
You know, for your information...
Wait! Who are these people?
616
00:30:45,343 --> 00:30:47,803
You're the biggest
slave owner in the state.
617
00:30:47,887 --> 00:30:50,013
Mass'a Malone, you ain't recognized me?
618
00:30:50,098 --> 00:30:51,223
I's Rastus.
619
00:30:51,266 --> 00:30:54,101
What? Oh, this can't be happening.
620
00:30:55,144 --> 00:30:56,770
Hey, isn't that...
621
00:30:58,106 --> 00:31:00,148
Yeah, that's him, all right.
622
00:31:00,233 --> 00:31:02,317
Don't you worry, mass'a Malone.
623
00:31:02,402 --> 00:31:05,070
We got them bacon stains
out of the upholstery.
624
00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:08,282
It's a good thing ol' Mr. Lincoln
never fought no wars.
625
00:31:08,366 --> 00:31:13,328
Oh... look, uh, Rastus,
you know this isn't real, right?
626
00:31:13,413 --> 00:31:16,790
Whatever you say, mass'a.
Whatever you say, I guess this old ni...
627
00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:18,667
No! Don't! Stop! Don't say that.
628
00:31:18,751 --> 00:31:21,169
Mass'a Malone!
Mass'a Malone! Good news!
629
00:31:21,254 --> 00:31:24,882
Productivity is through the roof since
you sold Daddy and the old folks!
630
00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:27,050
Now we can buy us
about 20 new bucks
631
00:31:27,135 --> 00:31:28,969
and start pickin' some cotton!
632
00:31:29,012 --> 00:31:31,805
[men, singing in harmony]
♪ The trouble I've seen...
633
00:31:31,848 --> 00:31:35,267
Rastus, tell me, how does old
mass'a Malone treat his slaves?
634
00:31:35,310 --> 00:31:37,811
Mass'a Malone is the bestest,
635
00:31:37,854 --> 00:31:41,023
most kindliest mass'a
a slave could have.
636
00:31:41,107 --> 00:31:43,817
Oh, he don't beat us
unless we awful bad.
637
00:31:43,860 --> 00:31:46,987
And he don't sell the li'l children
until they 6 months old.
638
00:31:47,030 --> 00:31:49,031
No, no, no! I...
639
00:31:49,115 --> 00:31:53,827
Mass'a, don't beat me! I ain't healed
from the beatin' you gave me yesterday!
640
00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:56,747
No, I wasn't gonna be...
Can you make them stop?
641
00:31:56,831 --> 00:31:58,040
Look, here, y'all!
642
00:31:58,124 --> 00:32:01,627
Mass'a don't want to hear slave shit!
Kick somethin' into 4/4!
643
00:32:01,669 --> 00:32:02,711
[man] 1, 2, 3, 4.
644
00:32:02,795 --> 00:32:05,505
♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila
645
00:32:05,548 --> 00:32:09,009
♪ Hava nagila ve nis'mecha
646
00:32:09,052 --> 00:32:12,429
♪ Hava nagila, we are so happy
647
00:32:12,513 --> 00:32:15,307
♪ That mass'a owns us
He is the best, yeah!
648
00:32:15,350 --> 00:32:17,184
I gotta get out of here!
649
00:32:17,268 --> 00:32:20,354
All right, mass'a leavin'.
Everybody wave goodbye.
650
00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:23,857
- Hope you can buy some more of us.
- We sure could use a baritone.
651
00:32:23,900 --> 00:32:25,484
- Huh?
- [girl] Bye, Daddy.
652
00:32:25,526 --> 00:32:27,653
- [Malone screams]
- [boy] Bye, Daddy!
653
00:32:27,695 --> 00:32:30,072
- [girl 2] Bye, Daddy!
- [girl 3] Bye, Daddy!
654
00:32:30,156 --> 00:32:31,323
[screaming]
655
00:32:31,366 --> 00:32:34,743
- Aw, that was sick.
- Not as sick as slavery.
656
00:32:36,871 --> 00:32:40,624
Lincoln is revered now
for fighting that war.
657
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,168
Hey, you would know.
658
00:32:43,211 --> 00:32:46,463
- Those rumors about Lincoln bein' gay.
- [cell phone ringing]
659
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,173
Why don't I just shoot you now?
660
00:32:48,216 --> 00:32:50,175
Well, maybe he just had
a wide stance.
661
00:32:50,218 --> 00:32:52,052
Hang on. I gotta take this. Hello!
662
00:32:52,136 --> 00:32:53,762
Michael? Where are you?
663
00:32:53,846 --> 00:32:57,557
- Oh, I'm in, uh, D.C.
- Yeah, right. Wherever you are,
664
00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:00,227
you're supposed to be
at Columbia in the morning.
665
00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:01,687
I know. Of course.
666
00:33:01,729 --> 00:33:04,064
- [phone beeps]
- Jane... Hello? Hello? Jane?
667
00:33:04,107 --> 00:33:06,525
[off-the-hook signal]
668
00:33:06,567 --> 00:33:09,945
- Damn cell phones.
- Here. Use mine.
669
00:33:11,739 --> 00:33:14,199
But do your minutes roll over
to the next month?
670
00:33:14,242 --> 00:33:15,242
Course they do.
671
00:33:15,326 --> 00:33:18,745
- But do you get unlimited texting?
- You think I was born yesterday?
672
00:33:18,788 --> 00:33:20,205
[students conversing]
673
00:33:20,248 --> 00:33:21,581
[door opens]
674
00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:22,874
Your people.
675
00:33:22,917 --> 00:33:24,501
Yep, the students love me.
676
00:33:24,585 --> 00:33:26,461
Love you? They don't even know you.
677
00:33:26,546 --> 00:33:27,796
You're unique.
678
00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,090
A liberal director
who can't even get laid
679
00:33:30,174 --> 00:33:32,843
at the University
Peace Studies Department.
680
00:33:32,927 --> 00:33:36,013
- They flock to my movies.
- They flock to slasher movies.
681
00:33:36,097 --> 00:33:38,765
They go to your movies
'cause professors tell them to.
682
00:33:38,808 --> 00:33:42,227
This is where they get information
to support the peace movement.
683
00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:45,439
- It's called education.
- It's called indoctrination.
684
00:33:45,523 --> 00:33:49,359
The American flag is a symbol
of oppression all over the world.
685
00:33:49,444 --> 00:33:51,570
July 4th is a despicable celebration.
686
00:33:51,612 --> 00:33:54,531
I know that look.
You're gonna try to teach me somethin'.
687
00:33:54,615 --> 00:33:56,908
Where we gonna go now, back in time?
688
00:33:56,951 --> 00:33:59,453
We don't have to. We're at a university.
689
00:33:59,537 --> 00:34:00,954
[pitch pipe plays note]
690
00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:03,790
♪ Nothing has changed
691
00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:07,294
♪ We still think the same way
692
00:34:07,378 --> 00:34:10,630
♪ And if you think the way we do
693
00:34:10,673 --> 00:34:13,675
♪ We'll give you an A
694
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:16,511
♪ And you get extra credit
695
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:20,182
♪ If you're poor, black, or gay
696
00:34:20,266 --> 00:34:24,436
♪ Just be sure not to pray
697
00:34:24,479 --> 00:34:27,856
♪ Yes, everything's the same
698
00:34:27,940 --> 00:34:28,940
Mmm!
699
00:34:28,983 --> 00:34:30,150
- [slap]
- Aah!
700
00:34:30,234 --> 00:34:32,027
[man] Two, three, four.
701
00:34:32,111 --> 00:34:34,654
♪ The president's stupid
our soldiers are thugs
702
00:34:34,739 --> 00:34:36,615
♪ The government's dirty
703
00:34:36,657 --> 00:34:38,158
♪ Our cops are on drugs
704
00:34:38,201 --> 00:34:41,286
♪ But we still like our co-eds
with blond hair and jugs
705
00:34:41,329 --> 00:34:44,831
♪ And America's to blame
706
00:34:44,916 --> 00:34:48,335
♪ Just like in 1968
707
00:34:48,377 --> 00:34:50,587
- Are you kidding? A musical number?
- ♪ 1968
708
00:34:50,671 --> 00:34:52,172
A little entertainment.
709
00:34:52,215 --> 00:34:54,549
♪ We were smart
We let something depart..
710
00:34:54,634 --> 00:34:56,384
What kind of a soldier are you?
711
00:34:56,469 --> 00:34:58,845
Startin' to understand
the boots and the whip.
712
00:34:58,888 --> 00:35:02,140
♪ 1968, things were really great
713
00:35:02,183 --> 00:35:04,017
♪ I used to ovulate
714
00:35:04,060 --> 00:35:07,437
♪ You gotta love 1968
715
00:35:07,522 --> 00:35:09,856
Hey, what are you doin' with our kids?
716
00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:10,941
♪ ...in the moon
717
00:35:11,025 --> 00:35:14,069
♪ And so what if there are facts
That we forget to include?
718
00:35:14,153 --> 00:35:17,114
♪ We've already got tenure
So your children are screwed
719
00:35:17,198 --> 00:35:20,659
♪ To a college with half a brain
Nothin's changed
720
00:35:20,701 --> 00:35:23,036
What do your parents
think you're doin' here?
721
00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:25,539
They're just happy to
have us out of the house.
722
00:35:25,581 --> 00:35:28,583
Wanna hear what you're
spending your life savings on?
723
00:35:28,668 --> 00:35:31,545
- I gave up an ass lift for this?
- Take a look!
724
00:35:31,629 --> 00:35:34,381
♪ America's evil, it's a fascist regime
725
00:35:34,423 --> 00:35:37,759
♪ Take over the world
It's the American dream
726
00:35:37,844 --> 00:35:40,554
♪ And pay no attention
to the being supreme
727
00:35:40,596 --> 00:35:46,226
[Malone] ♪ He doesn't matter
Anymore
728
00:35:49,021 --> 00:35:50,063
Oh.
729
00:35:50,106 --> 00:35:53,191
♪ Just like in 1968
730
00:35:54,569 --> 00:35:56,236
♪ 1968
731
00:35:57,530 --> 00:36:00,490
♪ 1968
732
00:36:00,575 --> 00:36:02,450
♪ 1968
733
00:36:02,535 --> 00:36:03,743
♪ Come on to 19
734
00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:05,537
♪ 1968
735
00:36:05,580 --> 00:36:06,913
♪ Let's keep singin' it
736
00:36:06,956 --> 00:36:08,957
♪ 1968
737
00:36:09,041 --> 00:36:12,252
- So, what do you think now?
- I'm still against torture.
738
00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:14,713
OK, so they're
a little behind the times.
739
00:36:14,755 --> 00:36:18,258
It doesn't make it OK for you to
embarrass those great professors.
740
00:36:18,301 --> 00:36:20,260
Doin' a good job
of that themselves.
741
00:36:20,344 --> 00:36:22,220
They're only tryin'
to bring peace.
742
00:36:22,263 --> 00:36:25,891
By indoctrinating an entire generation
to hate its own country.
743
00:36:25,933 --> 00:36:27,559
Well, they teach math, too.
744
00:36:28,811 --> 00:36:32,272
When was it in your life
that you went so completely wrong?
745
00:36:32,315 --> 00:36:33,899
Was it in college?
746
00:36:33,941 --> 00:36:34,983
Before that?
747
00:36:35,067 --> 00:36:36,151
Was it a girl?
748
00:36:38,404 --> 00:36:40,530
[doorbell rings]
749
00:36:40,615 --> 00:36:43,283
- Michael!
- Molly!
750
00:36:46,204 --> 00:36:50,248
Molly, I'm off to save the world,
but I'll be back.
751
00:36:50,291 --> 00:36:53,376
Oh, Michael, war is
such a terrible thing.
752
00:36:53,461 --> 00:36:54,544
I know, Molly.
753
00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:56,796
That's why I'm going off
to film school.
754
00:36:56,839 --> 00:36:58,715
Film school?
755
00:36:58,799 --> 00:37:01,551
Yes. No sacrifice too great.
756
00:37:01,636 --> 00:37:03,261
You'll wait for me of course?
757
00:37:03,304 --> 00:37:05,305
Sure. Or course.
758
00:37:05,389 --> 00:37:06,973
Take your time.
759
00:37:12,980 --> 00:37:14,648
But she didn't wait, did she?
760
00:37:14,690 --> 00:37:17,943
She tried, but I was gone so long.
761
00:37:17,985 --> 00:37:21,029
Long? You were kicked out
in the first semester.
762
00:37:21,113 --> 00:37:22,280
[doorbell rings]
763
00:37:22,323 --> 00:37:23,448
[Molly] Coming!
764
00:37:28,663 --> 00:37:30,997
- Molly.
- Marty!
765
00:37:37,129 --> 00:37:38,546
Oh, my God!
766
00:37:38,631 --> 00:37:41,174
This can't be happening!
767
00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:42,509
My best friend?
768
00:37:42,551 --> 00:37:45,720
We fell in love while you were gone.
769
00:37:45,805 --> 00:37:48,265
No! I mean, he's in the army!
770
00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:50,850
How terrible! You got drafted!
771
00:37:50,935 --> 00:37:52,519
No, Michael. I enlisted.
772
00:37:52,603 --> 00:37:54,187
I want to serve my country.
773
00:37:54,272 --> 00:37:57,524
How could you want to serve
the corrupt American war machine?
774
00:37:57,608 --> 00:38:00,068
- Molly.
- Marty.
775
00:38:00,152 --> 00:38:03,530
I just love men in uniform.
776
00:38:03,572 --> 00:38:05,949
Oh, shoot.
777
00:38:09,453 --> 00:38:12,330
You know, that uniform
always worked for me, too.
778
00:38:12,373 --> 00:38:13,540
[chuckles]
779
00:38:13,624 --> 00:38:15,750
So, you remember what happened next.
780
00:38:15,835 --> 00:38:18,878
Yeah, my first film.
A daring expose on something...
781
00:38:18,921 --> 00:38:20,380
She did the astronaut, too?
782
00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:22,257
And the entire crew of the shuttle.
783
00:38:24,010 --> 00:38:26,136
[♪ The Army Goes Rolling Along playing]
784
00:38:31,225 --> 00:38:33,226
[sound of record needle scratching]
785
00:38:35,104 --> 00:38:38,606
Well, general, enjoyed this
cruel little side trip, thank you,
786
00:38:38,691 --> 00:38:40,817
but I have an interview in 20 minutes.
787
00:38:40,901 --> 00:38:42,777
Don't worry, kid.
788
00:38:42,862 --> 00:38:44,863
Things are gonna get a lot worse.
789
00:38:49,118 --> 00:38:54,247
The demonstration is outside
the Madison Square Garden.
790
00:38:54,332 --> 00:38:58,418
We need to get into artists' entrance
where there are no metal detectors.
791
00:38:58,461 --> 00:39:01,463
Well, for that, we will need
all-access media passes.
792
00:39:01,547 --> 00:39:02,547
Exactly.
793
00:39:02,590 --> 00:39:05,175
You must get these from director Malone.
794
00:39:05,259 --> 00:39:07,886
He can get them.
He's a documentary filmmaker.
795
00:39:07,928 --> 00:39:12,432
Wait. You got us
a documentary filmmaker?
796
00:39:12,475 --> 00:39:15,602
Yes, but, leader,
he gets to go everywhere
797
00:39:15,686 --> 00:39:17,729
so he can document his hate of America.
798
00:39:17,772 --> 00:39:20,940
Where would they give all-access passes
to someone like that?
799
00:39:20,983 --> 00:39:22,484
- America!
- America!
800
00:39:22,568 --> 00:39:23,777
[both laughing]
801
00:39:25,529 --> 00:39:28,907
- Ahmed? Mohammed?
- Oh, uh, director Akbar.
802
00:39:28,949 --> 00:39:32,994
- What are you doin' here?
- We are here to watch your interview.
803
00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:36,289
- [Mohammed] And talk about the movie.
- [Malone] Oh, yeah.
804
00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:38,083
Who's Mister Happy?
805
00:39:38,125 --> 00:39:41,211
Oh, him? Aziz is an actor.
806
00:39:42,463 --> 00:39:45,632
Well, he's also our contact
to the foreign investors.
807
00:39:45,674 --> 00:39:49,302
Oh... [laughs] Aziz, my man.
Wonderful to meet you.
808
00:39:49,345 --> 00:39:53,723
You know, for financing a movie, you can
get an associate producer credit. Huh?
809
00:39:53,808 --> 00:39:57,477
Oh, holdin' out for executive producer.
Too clever for me.
810
00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:59,646
You must have been killer sellin' rugs.
811
00:39:59,688 --> 00:40:01,106
OK, we'll negotiate.
812
00:40:01,148 --> 00:40:03,358
How about joinin' me
for the interview?
813
00:40:03,442 --> 00:40:07,654
- No, no, no, he can't be on TV.
- I am here illegally.
814
00:40:07,696 --> 00:40:10,365
Mohammed and Ahmed have visas,
but I could not.
815
00:40:10,449 --> 00:40:12,158
Yes, he was on some kind of list.
816
00:40:14,703 --> 00:40:18,123
[Aziz] I came through Mexico...
with some friends.
817
00:40:18,165 --> 00:40:19,290
Great, great.
818
00:40:19,333 --> 00:40:21,209
Good thing that fence isn't up yet.
819
00:40:21,293 --> 00:40:23,503
This country was built by immigrants.
820
00:40:23,546 --> 00:40:26,756
No matter. We'll get you
a nice cameo in the movie.
821
00:40:26,841 --> 00:40:29,926
Have to shave, though.
You look like a terrorist.
822
00:40:30,010 --> 00:40:31,428
[Malone laughing]
823
00:40:31,512 --> 00:40:32,929
[laughing]
824
00:40:34,849 --> 00:40:36,766
[screams, imitates explosion]
825
00:40:36,851 --> 00:40:38,601
Aah! Help me! I'm on fire!
826
00:40:38,686 --> 00:40:40,270
Aah! Bam!
827
00:40:40,354 --> 00:40:41,563
Hey, a bomb went off!
828
00:40:41,647 --> 00:40:43,064
[laughing]
829
00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:47,735
So what's the next step?
Financing in place?
830
00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:48,820
Yes.
831
00:40:48,863 --> 00:40:50,905
But before the money is committed,
832
00:40:50,990 --> 00:40:53,366
I'll need media passes
to your demonstration.
833
00:40:53,409 --> 00:40:54,451
Media passes?
834
00:40:54,535 --> 00:40:57,912
Well, uh, he wants to hear
the great director speak.
835
00:40:58,038 --> 00:41:01,875
Oh, yes, all right.
We can arrange that.
836
00:41:01,917 --> 00:41:05,420
Be good to have you there,
show that everybody's against violence.
837
00:41:05,504 --> 00:41:08,631
- Especially jihadists.
- [elevator bell rings]
838
00:41:10,801 --> 00:41:11,801
What?
839
00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:14,220
We need to treat all cultures equally.
840
00:41:14,263 --> 00:41:16,890
Everyone is equal.
841
00:41:16,974 --> 00:41:20,518
Oh, damn. A thread.
Right before the interview.
842
00:41:20,561 --> 00:41:21,895
Allow me.
843
00:41:26,066 --> 00:41:27,984
Oh, thanks there, Ali Baba.
844
00:41:30,321 --> 00:41:32,864
Hi. I'm Bill O'Reilly.
Thanks for watching.
845
00:41:32,907 --> 00:41:35,783
Tonight's special segment is July 4th.
846
00:41:35,868 --> 00:41:39,287
Now, most folks will be celebrating
by going to a barbecue,
847
00:41:39,371 --> 00:41:41,414
a parade, or here in New York City,
848
00:41:41,457 --> 00:41:45,710
to a Madison Square Garden
country music concert for the troops.
849
00:41:45,753 --> 00:41:48,588
But my guests tonight
have different plans.
850
00:41:48,672 --> 00:41:51,174
Michael Malone is
planning a demonstration
851
00:41:51,258 --> 00:41:54,552
- to abolish the Fourth of July.
- Hi, Bill.
852
00:41:54,595 --> 00:41:58,806
And there are always fireworks with
TV personality Rosie O'Connell.
853
00:41:58,891 --> 00:42:00,058
Good to be here, Bill.
854
00:42:00,100 --> 00:42:03,895
Rosie's gonna show us a clip from her
documentary, but first, Mr. Malone,
855
00:42:03,938 --> 00:42:07,482
you're demonstrating against
the troops on Independence Day?
856
00:42:07,566 --> 00:42:08,608
Come on.
857
00:42:08,692 --> 00:42:11,110
It's not against the troops.
It's against...
858
00:42:11,153 --> 00:42:14,864
Look, we support the troops.
We just don't want them to kill anyone.
859
00:42:14,949 --> 00:42:17,617
What? Don't you realize
that these troops
860
00:42:17,701 --> 00:42:21,412
are the only ones standing between
radical Islam and innocent people?
861
00:42:21,455 --> 00:42:22,789
Bill, there you go.
862
00:42:22,831 --> 00:42:25,416
You think all terrorists
are radical Islamists.
863
00:42:25,459 --> 00:42:26,709
That's profiling.
864
00:42:26,794 --> 00:42:30,046
Radical Christianity
is as threatening as radical Islam.
865
00:42:30,130 --> 00:42:32,840
- I don't think she means...
- It's exactly what I mean!
866
00:42:32,925 --> 00:42:34,050
You can't be serious.
867
00:42:34,134 --> 00:42:37,554
I'm serious and Michael agrees with me.
Let's roll the clip.
868
00:42:37,638 --> 00:42:39,514
All right, roll it.
869
00:42:39,598 --> 00:42:42,475
[announcer] The civilized
world braces itself
870
00:42:42,518 --> 00:42:45,186
for an onslaught of
death and destruction
871
00:42:45,271 --> 00:42:47,564
brought on by radical Christians
872
00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:51,859
as they attempt to spread their ideology
through terror throughout the world.
873
00:43:00,077 --> 00:43:01,452
Praise Jesus!
874
00:43:03,497 --> 00:43:05,206
Hail Mary full of grace!
875
00:43:05,291 --> 00:43:08,126
Look out! It's those Christians!
876
00:43:08,168 --> 00:43:10,962
72 virgins, here I come!
877
00:43:11,005 --> 00:43:12,672
[announcer] We all pay the price
878
00:43:12,715 --> 00:43:16,092
for the increased security needs
caused by the actions
879
00:43:16,176 --> 00:43:17,510
of radical Christians
880
00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:20,138
I hate having to take these off
every time.
881
00:43:20,180 --> 00:43:22,807
Yeah. Ever since
that Christian hid explosives
882
00:43:22,850 --> 00:43:24,225
in the bottom of his shoes.
883
00:43:24,310 --> 00:43:27,020
You can't take this on.
I'll have to confiscate it.
884
00:43:27,104 --> 00:43:28,104
Toothpaste?
885
00:43:28,188 --> 00:43:31,024
No liquids since the Christians
tried to bomb that plane
886
00:43:31,066 --> 00:43:34,152
with smuggled nitroglycerine
and let me take this as well.
887
00:43:34,194 --> 00:43:35,194
[baby crying]
888
00:43:35,279 --> 00:43:38,948
- [man] Please remove all underclothing.
- Oh, brother.
889
00:43:39,033 --> 00:43:42,577
- Ever since the underwear bomber.
- The Christian underwear bomber.
890
00:43:42,661 --> 00:43:46,039
[man on PA] All items of underclothing
must be placed in the trays.
891
00:43:46,123 --> 00:43:47,373
Damn those Christians.
892
00:43:47,416 --> 00:43:49,751
- Yipes!
- My God!
893
00:43:49,835 --> 00:43:53,129
If you add extra bleach,
you might get those stains out.
894
00:43:53,213 --> 00:43:55,423
- Hey!
- Have you considered a change in diet?
895
00:43:55,507 --> 00:43:57,800
- What?
- Honey? Wouldn't hurt.
896
00:43:57,885 --> 00:43:59,302
[man grunting and moaning]
897
00:44:00,596 --> 00:44:02,639
Ever since the suppository bomber...
898
00:44:02,723 --> 00:44:04,891
The Episcopal suppository bomber.
899
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,813
That's not a documentary.
That's The Flintstones.
900
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:14,692
Bill, using reenactments to prove points
is a sign of a great documentary.
901
00:44:14,735 --> 00:44:16,569
That's what we do. Right, Michael?
902
00:44:16,612 --> 00:44:20,073
Bill, you wouldn't get that,
because you're a close-minded bigot!
903
00:44:20,115 --> 00:44:23,868
Actually, Rosie, I'm thinkin'
your masterpiece may win some awards.
904
00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:27,330
Let's start it off with enshrining you
in the Pinhead Hall of Fame.
905
00:44:27,414 --> 00:44:28,581
Keep it up, Bill.
906
00:44:28,624 --> 00:44:31,292
We wouldn't be at war at all
if we didn't overreact
907
00:44:31,377 --> 00:44:32,877
to that phony 9/11 attack.
908
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:35,713
[O'Reilly] You can't be serious.
I rest my case.
909
00:44:35,756 --> 00:44:38,341
Can we talk about
the Anti-War demonstration?
910
00:44:38,425 --> 00:44:41,719
You think those towers were brought down
by planes? No, explosives.
911
00:44:41,762 --> 00:44:44,889
- Malone.
- That's simply idiotic. No sane...
912
00:44:44,932 --> 00:44:47,350
It's the first time
fire ever melted steel!
913
00:44:47,434 --> 00:44:50,895
Rosie, I've heard that claim.
It's only made by complete morons.
914
00:44:50,938 --> 00:44:52,814
Now, Bill, our demonstration...
915
00:44:52,898 --> 00:44:55,942
Don't call me names.
We weren't even invaded by a nation!
916
00:44:55,984 --> 00:44:57,443
She's a little far out.
917
00:44:57,486 --> 00:44:59,529
Here's a news flash for you, Malone.
918
00:44:59,613 --> 00:45:02,156
Your movies may not be
as crazy as Rosie's,
919
00:45:02,241 --> 00:45:06,327
but yours are more dangerous because
some idiots believe what you say.
920
00:45:06,412 --> 00:45:07,787
Because I tell the truth!
921
00:45:07,830 --> 00:45:10,540
Because you tell the audience
what it wants to hear.
922
00:45:10,624 --> 00:45:12,291
At least nobody believes Rosie.
923
00:45:12,334 --> 00:45:15,086
You didn't even believe
that Elvis is still alive.
924
00:45:15,170 --> 00:45:17,255
or that we never landed on the Moon.
925
00:45:17,297 --> 00:45:20,758
I'm gonna take both and
put 'em into my next documentary.
926
00:45:20,801 --> 00:45:24,470
Well, that concludes this look
at the moderate left.
927
00:45:24,513 --> 00:45:28,182
Next week, we'll be looking at
the crazies who populate the fringe.
928
00:45:32,104 --> 00:45:33,187
[woman] Mr. Malone?
929
00:45:33,272 --> 00:45:35,523
Mr. Malone?
930
00:45:35,607 --> 00:45:36,774
Mr. Malone?
931
00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:38,484
[boy] Grandpa? Grandpa!
932
00:45:38,569 --> 00:45:39,652
What?
933
00:45:39,695 --> 00:45:41,154
A Mr. Mohammed called.
934
00:45:41,196 --> 00:45:43,531
Something about not being
late for rehearsal?
935
00:45:43,615 --> 00:45:45,491
Heather, I still have plenty of...
936
00:45:45,534 --> 00:45:46,576
A rehearsal?!
937
00:45:46,660 --> 00:45:49,078
How could you be part
of the evil military
938
00:45:49,163 --> 00:45:52,415
and kill my brothers and sisters
who are defending their country?
939
00:45:52,499 --> 00:45:56,836
Yusef, there are no straight men left.
Girls like me have to join the army.
940
00:45:56,879 --> 00:45:58,671
Yes, that's why I joined.
941
00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:01,174
She reads the lines
with such conviction.
942
00:46:01,258 --> 00:46:04,719
Yes. This is so much better
than building pipe bombs.
943
00:46:04,803 --> 00:46:06,012
What are you doing?
944
00:46:06,096 --> 00:46:08,723
W had to start rehearsals.
We have no time to waste.
945
00:46:08,807 --> 00:46:10,433
- But we haven't even...
- Shh!
946
00:46:10,517 --> 00:46:14,061
Say no to the army, run away
to France where they have real men.
947
00:46:14,146 --> 00:46:16,522
No. The recruiters
kidnap us off the street,
948
00:46:16,607 --> 00:46:19,567
talk to us for hours
until we finally agree to sign up.
949
00:46:19,651 --> 00:46:20,818
Like Scientology.
950
00:46:20,861 --> 00:46:23,863
I'll ask the great leader
Osama for us to stay together.
951
00:46:23,947 --> 00:46:25,531
- I didn't write that.
- Shh!
952
00:46:25,574 --> 00:46:28,284
- [man] To stay together.
- Please. Director Akbar!
953
00:46:28,368 --> 00:46:30,411
- Huh?
- For us to stay together...
954
00:46:30,496 --> 00:46:32,747
[man] Is this a real sword?
955
00:46:32,831 --> 00:46:34,040
[man 2] Yes. Be careful.
956
00:46:34,124 --> 00:46:36,042
- [man screams]
- [Malone] Oh, my God.
957
00:46:36,084 --> 00:46:38,211
I will ask the great leader Osama.
958
00:46:38,295 --> 00:46:40,838
She's an infidel. Cut off her head.
959
00:46:40,881 --> 00:46:43,966
- Aah!
- And cut off her balls, too!
960
00:46:44,051 --> 00:46:46,677
- Yaah! Come back here!
- No! Not me! Kill her!
961
00:46:46,720 --> 00:46:48,930
- Death to the uncircumcised!
- Asshole!
962
00:46:49,014 --> 00:46:51,349
- This sword is heavy!
- Just one second.
963
00:46:51,391 --> 00:46:52,600
Give him more lines.
964
00:46:52,684 --> 00:46:55,436
- Hey, isn't that...?
- Yes, actor Akbar.
965
00:46:55,521 --> 00:46:57,146
Revered by all Americans.
966
00:46:57,231 --> 00:47:01,776
This isn't that kind of movie. This is
serious, for adults. Not entertainment.
967
00:47:01,860 --> 00:47:04,695
- He will be hard to replace.
- There is no replacing!
968
00:47:04,738 --> 00:47:08,366
This is about militants being
held at Guantanamo without a lawyer!
969
00:47:08,408 --> 00:47:10,785
Meryl Streep already did that!
970
00:47:10,869 --> 00:47:13,913
What about the Marine who rapes
and murders an Iraqi family?
971
00:47:13,997 --> 00:47:15,790
Brian De Palma, straight to video.
972
00:47:15,874 --> 00:47:18,292
- [clanging]
- Lawyer who fights wiretapping.
973
00:47:18,377 --> 00:47:19,377
Robert Redford.
974
00:47:19,419 --> 00:47:21,420
Soldier who's forced
to go back to Iraq!
975
00:47:21,463 --> 00:47:23,673
- Has an Oscar buzz.
- I want to see that!
976
00:47:23,757 --> 00:47:26,050
- We'll see it Friday.
- It's a date.
977
00:47:26,093 --> 00:47:27,385
[groaning]
978
00:47:27,427 --> 00:47:30,972
I know. All the really great
anti-American films have been done.
979
00:47:31,056 --> 00:47:33,599
No way we can compete
with Hollywood studios.
980
00:47:33,642 --> 00:47:36,102
[man] Michael Malone?
What are you doing here?
981
00:47:36,144 --> 00:47:40,439
- I'm directing this picture.
- What? I don't do documentaries.
982
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:43,943
- Malone! We're under attack!
- [Malone] Now what?
983
00:47:46,989 --> 00:47:49,615
[people screaming, horns honking]
984
00:47:50,450 --> 00:47:52,660
- Come on!
- Aah!
985
00:47:53,745 --> 00:47:55,288
I don't see an attack.
986
00:47:55,372 --> 00:47:58,291
- A gun? I don't...
- Fine. I know. Talk, don't shoot.
987
00:47:58,333 --> 00:48:01,043
Think of that as a talkin' stick.
Let's go, men!
988
00:48:01,128 --> 00:48:04,380
- [Malone] Where are we going?!
- [Patton] Don't step in that!
989
00:48:07,634 --> 00:48:09,385
[Malone] What's going on?!
990
00:48:09,469 --> 00:48:12,179
Sons of bitches!
Get the hell out of this courtroom!
991
00:48:12,264 --> 00:48:16,017
- Stop! You can't just shoot people!
- They're not people! They're the ACLU!
992
00:48:16,101 --> 00:48:17,935
What?! You still can't...
993
00:48:17,978 --> 00:48:19,270
Oh! Aah!
994
00:48:19,313 --> 00:48:21,147
Aah! Aah!
995
00:48:24,860 --> 00:48:28,195
- Fire at will, boys!
- [Malone screaming]
996
00:48:28,989 --> 00:48:31,365
- [people screaming]
- What's goin' on here?
997
00:48:31,450 --> 00:48:34,118
ACLU. They come around
every now and then.
998
00:48:34,161 --> 00:48:36,370
No listenin' in on terrorists' calls.
999
00:48:36,455 --> 00:48:38,956
Be nice to Al Qaeda.
Read 'em their rights.
1000
00:48:38,999 --> 00:48:40,333
[lawyers grunting]
1001
00:48:40,417 --> 00:48:42,501
[judge] Separation of church and state.
1002
00:48:42,544 --> 00:48:43,753
Aah!
1003
00:48:43,837 --> 00:48:47,632
I'll tell you one thing about
the undead. They are relentless.
1004
00:48:47,674 --> 00:48:48,966
Aah!
1005
00:48:49,009 --> 00:48:52,053
Gun control. That gets 'em
a little riled up, too.
1006
00:48:52,137 --> 00:48:53,596
- [gunshot]
- Aah!
1007
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:56,390
I think we could use
gun control right about now!
1008
00:48:56,475 --> 00:48:57,934
Tell it to them.
1009
00:48:58,018 --> 00:48:59,018
Aah!
1010
00:49:00,187 --> 00:49:01,228
Aah!
1011
00:49:01,313 --> 00:49:02,813
Try it. It's fun.
1012
00:49:02,856 --> 00:49:04,607
- [gunshot]
- Whoa!
1013
00:49:04,691 --> 00:49:07,276
Try not to lead 'em so much next time.
1014
00:49:07,361 --> 00:49:08,486
Aah!
1015
00:49:08,528 --> 00:49:09,695
- Aah!
- Aah!
1016
00:49:10,322 --> 00:49:15,034
What we're tryin' to do here, son,
is protect the Ten Commandments.
1017
00:49:15,118 --> 00:49:16,410
There's still five left.
1018
00:49:16,495 --> 00:49:20,247
Hey, judge!
Is the "not killing" still up there?
1019
00:49:20,332 --> 00:49:21,540
Aw, screw it!
1020
00:49:22,542 --> 00:49:23,542
Aah!
1021
00:49:23,585 --> 00:49:26,253
- Guns are not the answer!
- [gunshot]
1022
00:49:26,338 --> 00:49:29,215
- Aah!
- Nice shot.
1023
00:49:29,299 --> 00:49:31,008
Oh, my God, what have I done?
1024
00:49:31,051 --> 00:49:33,511
The first one's always the best.
1025
00:49:35,681 --> 00:49:37,556
[both grunting]
1026
00:49:40,727 --> 00:49:42,561
OK, OK, give me that thing.
1027
00:49:42,646 --> 00:49:43,688
Aah!
1028
00:49:44,731 --> 00:49:45,898
Ooh!
1029
00:49:45,941 --> 00:49:47,483
I bet they heard that.
1030
00:49:47,567 --> 00:49:50,736
Come on! They're on the subway!
1031
00:49:50,779 --> 00:49:52,405
Godspeed, General!
1032
00:50:01,748 --> 00:50:03,624
I'll need to see your bag, please.
1033
00:50:07,796 --> 00:50:09,422
[grunting]
1034
00:50:11,091 --> 00:50:13,175
This says we can't search their bags.
1035
00:50:13,260 --> 00:50:15,469
[grunting]
1036
00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:20,474
Thank Allah for the ACLU.
1037
00:50:20,559 --> 00:50:23,769
Now you are going to
see the glory of jihad.
1038
00:50:23,854 --> 00:50:26,564
They're going to fly
a subway into a building?
1039
00:50:29,026 --> 00:50:30,234
[gunshots]
1040
00:50:30,277 --> 00:50:33,738
Subway into a building... hmm.
1041
00:50:33,780 --> 00:50:37,450
Well, now you've gone too far!
You're against privacy rights, too?
1042
00:50:37,534 --> 00:50:40,119
Only when they interfere
with survival rights.
1043
00:50:46,376 --> 00:50:48,836
Enjoy your privacy rights in hell.
1044
00:50:52,174 --> 00:50:55,092
The Patriot Act is spoiling everything.
1045
00:50:55,135 --> 00:50:57,470
I can't believe
I lent Fayed my backpack.
1046
00:50:57,512 --> 00:50:58,554
Aah!
1047
00:50:59,639 --> 00:51:01,307
- [clanging]
- [screaming]
1048
00:51:01,349 --> 00:51:04,393
Sir, we are ready to do our duty.
1049
00:51:04,478 --> 00:51:07,354
Your job is to pick up
the three all-access media passes
1050
00:51:07,439 --> 00:51:09,482
from the infidel director.
1051
00:51:09,566 --> 00:51:12,985
As America watches that concert on TV,
1052
00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:15,613
they will see the power of jihad.
1053
00:51:15,655 --> 00:51:18,240
You are going to blow up
Madison Square Garden?
1054
00:51:18,325 --> 00:51:19,700
When that roof collapses
1055
00:51:19,785 --> 00:51:22,495
on 20,000 American soldiers
and their families,
1056
00:51:22,579 --> 00:51:25,998
we will be held as martyrs
throughout the Arab world.
1057
00:51:26,041 --> 00:51:28,417
But we will be dead.
1058
00:51:30,253 --> 00:51:31,545
Yes.
1059
00:51:31,630 --> 00:51:35,800
Isn't there like a remote control
or a button or something?
1060
00:51:35,842 --> 00:51:39,345
Leader, we get the passes for it
from the director Akbar.
1061
00:51:39,429 --> 00:51:40,513
Very good.
1062
00:51:40,555 --> 00:51:42,848
I'm gonna grab a knish.
1063
00:51:42,891 --> 00:51:44,642
Your families will be proud.
1064
00:51:48,188 --> 00:51:49,939
Is there nothing we can do?
1065
00:51:50,023 --> 00:51:53,067
Nothing. The plan is foolproof.
1066
00:52:03,036 --> 00:52:08,165
Enough already. It's not as if I'm
against Santa Claus or the Boy Scouts.
1067
00:52:08,208 --> 00:52:09,375
Little tip for you.
1068
00:52:09,417 --> 00:52:11,085
Fascist uniforms, not cool.
1069
00:52:11,169 --> 00:52:13,546
- Or religion.
- Or the Fourth of July?
1070
00:52:13,588 --> 00:52:16,882
Fourth of July? That reminds me.
I got a demonstration. See ya.
1071
00:52:16,925 --> 00:52:18,217
[lawyers grunting]
1072
00:52:18,301 --> 00:52:19,385
You're leavin'?
1073
00:52:19,427 --> 00:52:22,054
Yep. End of the line for me,
so conjure up some fog
1074
00:52:22,097 --> 00:52:25,516
- and get me the hell out of here.
- Just go. This is real.
1075
00:52:25,559 --> 00:52:26,684
Are you sure?
1076
00:52:26,726 --> 00:52:28,561
That subway station was too clean.
1077
00:52:28,603 --> 00:52:29,979
Oh... unh!
1078
00:52:30,063 --> 00:52:33,232
[country music playing,
people conversing]
1079
00:52:40,407 --> 00:52:41,866
That's the real America.
1080
00:52:41,908 --> 00:52:45,578
Proud to celebrate the Fourth of July,
just like your own family.
1081
00:52:45,662 --> 00:52:49,248
- This is my own family.
- Huh?
1082
00:52:49,291 --> 00:52:50,958
Oh, right. So it is.
1083
00:52:51,042 --> 00:52:52,543
Hey, do I smell burgers?
1084
00:52:54,296 --> 00:52:56,297
I made your favorite, sweet potatoes.
1085
00:52:56,381 --> 00:52:57,756
Aw, honey, you know,
1086
00:52:57,799 --> 00:53:00,342
what I think I'm gonna miss most
is your cooking.
1087
00:53:00,427 --> 00:53:02,970
- Not my kisses?
- [both laughing]
1088
00:53:03,805 --> 00:53:05,764
Should I set a place
for Uncle Michael?
1089
00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:09,101
Oh, no, honey.
Uncle Michael's still very busy.
1090
00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:11,312
I feel bad he keeps
disappointing you.
1091
00:53:11,396 --> 00:53:14,064
[Josh] Well, he'll come around.
1092
00:53:14,107 --> 00:53:18,110
- [Timmy] God bless us, everyone.
- There he is, my gentle little Timmy.
1093
00:53:18,153 --> 00:53:20,905
What a beautiful day
for a family picnic.
1094
00:53:20,947 --> 00:53:23,073
Hey, Timmy, ready for dessert?
1095
00:53:23,116 --> 00:53:26,660
Daddy, is your asshole
uncle coming tonight?
1096
00:53:26,745 --> 00:53:27,912
Uh, well...
1097
00:53:27,954 --> 00:53:30,789
Uh, Timmy, you know
Uncle Michael loves you.
1098
00:53:30,874 --> 00:53:33,167
That lard ass only loves himself.
1099
00:53:33,251 --> 00:53:35,461
Did he come up with
money for my operation?
1100
00:53:35,503 --> 00:53:37,046
Uh, well, uh...
1101
00:53:37,130 --> 00:53:40,174
Documentaries don't actually
pay enough to, uh...
1102
00:53:40,258 --> 00:53:43,886
- [girl] Daddy!
- Beckah. Hi, sweetheart.
1103
00:53:43,970 --> 00:53:48,140
I see that Michael "I'm gonna get
you a cornea transplant" Malone
1104
00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:49,558
stiffed you again.
1105
00:53:49,643 --> 00:53:52,436
Uh, honey, he's doin' everything he can.
1106
00:53:52,479 --> 00:53:56,482
I bet he spent time in the cornea market
at the Cannes Film Festival.
1107
00:53:56,566 --> 00:53:57,650
[Josh] Oh, good!
1108
00:53:57,692 --> 00:53:59,985
The boys have brought out Tiny Tina.
1109
00:54:00,070 --> 00:54:03,072
She's doing so much better
on that new dialysis machine.
1110
00:54:03,156 --> 00:54:04,156
[Josh] Hey, kids!
1111
00:54:04,199 --> 00:54:07,868
I don't suppose Uncle Jerkwad
has showed up with the kidney.
1112
00:54:07,953 --> 00:54:10,371
I'm running a little short on time here.
1113
00:54:12,415 --> 00:54:13,499
- Ow!
- Aah!
1114
00:54:13,541 --> 00:54:15,167
- [kids screaming]
- Oh! Come on!
1115
00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:18,003
Now, can't we go on
to some other awful place?
1116
00:54:18,046 --> 00:54:20,506
- Where the hell are we?
- Kandahar, Afghanistan.
1117
00:54:20,590 --> 00:54:22,508
But there's a war going on here!
1118
00:54:22,550 --> 00:54:24,009
- [Patton] Since 9/11!
- Down!
1119
00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:26,220
- Down!
- They shouldn't be blindfolded.
1120
00:54:26,304 --> 00:54:29,181
- It's against the Geneva Convention.
- They're the enemy.
1121
00:54:29,224 --> 00:54:32,851
- They're innocent till proven guilty.
- Let me tell you something.
1122
00:54:32,894 --> 00:54:36,522
If they're on the battlefield
and shooting at you, they're guilty!
1123
00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:38,357
[Malone] That's not the point.
1124
00:54:38,441 --> 00:54:40,734
There's no reason
to blindfold prisoners.
1125
00:54:40,819 --> 00:54:43,696
Fine. Take 'em off.
1126
00:54:46,408 --> 00:54:49,034
[all] Michael Malone! Michael Malone!
1127
00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:51,328
[prisoner] Die You American Pigs!
1128
00:54:51,371 --> 00:54:52,913
He's much fatter in person.
1129
00:54:52,998 --> 00:54:54,039
OK, OK.
1130
00:54:54,124 --> 00:54:57,543
Let's see how fat I look
with one of these blindfolds back on.
1131
00:54:57,627 --> 00:54:58,669
- [explosion]
- Oh!
1132
00:54:58,712 --> 00:55:00,004
Aah aah aah!
1133
00:55:00,046 --> 00:55:02,881
[soldiers] ...for my God
is with me wherever I go.
1134
00:55:02,966 --> 00:55:04,883
Have mercy upon me, O God,
1135
00:55:04,926 --> 00:55:07,303
for it is an unfailing love.
1136
00:55:07,387 --> 00:55:09,430
Praise be to the Lord, my rock,
1137
00:55:09,514 --> 00:55:12,474
who trains my hands for war,
my fingers for battle.
1138
00:55:12,559 --> 00:55:14,143
We're taking fire!
1139
00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:25,863
Aah! They're using real bullets!
1140
00:55:26,906 --> 00:55:28,991
Aah! Oh!
1141
00:55:29,075 --> 00:55:30,409
Oh!
1142
00:55:30,493 --> 00:55:32,202
[groaning]
1143
00:55:36,750 --> 00:55:39,335
[Patton] Honestly,
I've tried to show him,
1144
00:55:39,419 --> 00:55:42,254
but this one is just too bullheaded.
1145
00:55:42,297 --> 00:55:44,173
Father, please forgive me.
1146
00:55:44,257 --> 00:55:45,799
I have done my best.
1147
00:55:45,884 --> 00:55:48,761
This challenge was just too much.
1148
00:55:48,845 --> 00:55:51,930
I fear this battle is lost.
1149
00:55:54,100 --> 00:55:56,602
Oh, so now you're telling God?
1150
00:55:57,979 --> 00:55:59,480
Not that father.
1151
00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:03,692
You know, JFK was right.
You are hopeless.
1152
00:56:04,736 --> 00:56:06,528
[slap]
1153
00:56:09,324 --> 00:56:12,284
What?! Oh, George Washington.
1154
00:56:12,369 --> 00:56:16,080
Been dead for 200 years,
not that that matters anymore.
1155
00:56:16,122 --> 00:56:18,999
It does matter, citizen Malone.
1156
00:56:19,084 --> 00:56:23,045
Nice costume.
You here for the Halloween parade?
1157
00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:27,216
I'm here to talk to you about freedom.
1158
00:56:27,300 --> 00:56:30,677
- The greatest gift man has.
- Freedom?
1159
00:56:30,762 --> 00:56:33,639
Very precarious gift, easily misused.
1160
00:56:33,723 --> 00:56:37,351
And when it is misused, easily lost.
1161
00:56:38,812 --> 00:56:41,105
Like freedom from pompous spirits.
1162
00:56:41,147 --> 00:56:43,607
Like freedom of speech, which you abuse.
1163
00:56:43,650 --> 00:56:45,067
Like freedom of religion.
1164
00:56:45,151 --> 00:56:48,445
This is St. Paul's Chapel,
where I worshipped every Sunday...
1165
00:56:48,488 --> 00:56:51,407
- [yawning]
- ...when New York was the capital.
1166
00:56:52,075 --> 00:56:55,035
I sat right here
on the morning of my inaugural
1167
00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:57,496
to pray for guidance
in leading this nation.
1168
00:56:59,582 --> 00:57:02,876
If this place is so important,
why don't they clean it?
1169
00:57:04,295 --> 00:57:07,089
- [Malone] It's full of...
- Dust.
1170
00:57:09,342 --> 00:57:10,843
From across the street.
1171
00:57:14,139 --> 00:57:15,472
[church bell tolling]
1172
00:57:15,515 --> 00:57:16,807
Oh, my God.
1173
00:57:16,850 --> 00:57:19,143
It was the World Trade Center,
1174
00:57:19,185 --> 00:57:23,355
and this is the dust
of 3,000 innocent human beings
1175
00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:26,733
and the great heroes who perished
trying to save them.
1176
00:57:26,818 --> 00:57:28,068
Why'd you bring me here?
1177
00:57:28,153 --> 00:57:29,820
I'm not responsible for this.
1178
00:57:29,863 --> 00:57:31,572
It was our foreign policy.
1179
00:57:31,656 --> 00:57:33,699
It's our military bases overseas.
1180
00:57:33,783 --> 00:57:36,034
It's globalization. It's the CIA!
1181
00:57:36,077 --> 00:57:38,495
Is that what you're
gonna say on judgment day?
1182
00:57:38,538 --> 00:57:41,665
Well, I've already been judged,
and I won an Oscar.
1183
00:57:41,708 --> 00:57:44,168
For a documentary.
1184
00:57:46,713 --> 00:57:51,800
When you meet the Almighty, Michael,
I'm afraid that won't do.
1185
00:57:53,344 --> 00:57:57,014
Only the truth will do.
1186
00:57:57,056 --> 00:57:58,265
I gotta get out of here.
1187
00:57:59,809 --> 00:58:01,477
- [clang]
- Ooh!
1188
00:58:01,561 --> 00:58:03,395
Ow!
1189
00:58:03,438 --> 00:58:04,438
Ooh!
1190
00:58:04,522 --> 00:58:06,815
- [clanging]
- [grunting]
1191
00:58:13,114 --> 00:58:15,073
No! No!
1192
00:58:15,158 --> 00:58:17,075
No! No!
1193
00:58:19,829 --> 00:58:20,829
Aah!
1194
00:58:20,914 --> 00:58:23,499
Don't hurt me!
I've always stood up for gay rights.
1195
00:58:25,293 --> 00:58:27,920
I'm the Angel of freakin' Death,
you turdhead.
1196
00:58:28,004 --> 00:58:32,591
Boy, you do not wanna mess
with the Angel of Death.
1197
00:58:32,675 --> 00:58:36,386
Listen, punk, there are consequences
for what you do.
1198
00:58:36,429 --> 00:58:38,013
Let's go.
1199
00:58:38,973 --> 00:58:40,724
Oh, good, another field trip.
1200
00:58:40,767 --> 00:58:44,186
Can we go someplace cool this time,
like Paris or Hollywood?
1201
00:58:44,270 --> 00:58:45,854
Now, that's a good idea.
1202
00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:47,648
[Arabic music playing]
1203
00:58:47,732 --> 00:58:50,108
What's goin' on here?
Where are we?
1204
00:58:50,193 --> 00:58:54,404
Hollywood, just like you wanted,
only now it's called Bin Laden City.
1205
00:58:54,447 --> 00:58:55,697
Oh, my God.
1206
00:58:55,782 --> 00:58:58,200
They kept the buildings.
Just changed the signs.
1207
00:58:58,284 --> 00:59:00,827
[Malone] Oh, no!
This isn't happening!
1208
00:59:00,912 --> 00:59:03,455
We lost the war on terror.
Nice work.
1209
00:59:03,540 --> 00:59:06,166
Great bunch of movies
you made for the other side.
1210
00:59:07,252 --> 00:59:08,961
Oh, shit.
1211
00:59:09,045 --> 00:59:11,713
Yeah. Terrorists really
appreciated your work.
1212
00:59:11,798 --> 00:59:16,301
Oh! Take me home.
1213
00:59:16,344 --> 00:59:17,886
My real home.
1214
00:59:17,971 --> 00:59:20,889
That's where we're goin'.
Back to Michigan.
1215
00:59:22,934 --> 00:59:25,519
[siren]
1216
00:59:25,603 --> 00:59:26,687
Ah, home.
1217
00:59:26,771 --> 00:59:28,021
[distant gunfire]
1218
00:59:28,106 --> 00:59:29,147
Detroit!
1219
00:59:33,987 --> 00:59:35,529
[man] This is all that's left?
1220
00:59:35,613 --> 00:59:38,782
Not much to work with,
but if we put our heads together...
1221
00:59:38,825 --> 00:59:41,285
We'll never be able
to identify this victim.
1222
00:59:41,327 --> 00:59:42,619
Why even bother?
1223
00:59:42,662 --> 00:59:44,121
I mean, it's one of 100,000.
1224
00:59:44,163 --> 00:59:46,748
What happened here?
100,000 people dead?
1225
00:59:46,833 --> 00:59:47,833
Listen.
1226
00:59:47,917 --> 00:59:51,336
The strange thing is
the blast only killed a few hundred.
1227
00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:52,879
Radiation got the rest.
1228
00:59:52,964 --> 00:59:56,174
Nuclear attack on Detroit?
1229
00:59:56,217 --> 00:59:57,509
Oh, my God.
1230
00:59:57,594 --> 01:00:01,263
We found this in the wreckage
of a television interview show.
1231
01:00:01,347 --> 01:00:02,931
Some big-ass celebrity.
1232
01:00:03,016 --> 01:00:04,641
[woman] You got that right.
1233
01:00:04,684 --> 01:00:06,518
This was near it.
1234
01:00:08,730 --> 01:00:10,939
Hey, that's Michael Malone's cap.
1235
01:00:11,024 --> 01:00:12,608
That explains the fat ass.
1236
01:00:12,692 --> 01:00:13,692
Check this out.
1237
01:00:13,776 --> 01:00:16,320
There is no terrorist threat.
1238
01:00:16,362 --> 01:00:17,613
[laughter]
1239
01:00:17,697 --> 01:00:19,615
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I just forgot to sign
1240
01:00:19,699 --> 01:00:21,908
the please don't shoot
my ass off agreement.
1241
01:00:21,993 --> 01:00:24,286
[laughter]
1242
01:00:24,370 --> 01:00:26,413
Do I look more
like Michael Malone now?
1243
01:00:26,497 --> 01:00:28,332
Hey, spank my know-it-all ass.
1244
01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:32,210
[man 2] I know!
1245
01:00:32,253 --> 01:00:35,464
Least everyone will be happy
now that I've been nuked!
1246
01:00:35,548 --> 01:00:37,090
[all laugh]
1247
01:00:37,508 --> 01:00:39,760
Don't let me die!
And all those people!
1248
01:00:39,844 --> 01:00:42,012
I don't wanna die!
Please, I don't wanna die!
1249
01:00:42,055 --> 01:00:44,056
[all] ♪ Yankee doodle went to town
1250
01:00:44,098 --> 01:00:45,599
♪ Riding on a big ass
1251
01:00:45,683 --> 01:00:48,268
I don't wanna die!
Please! I don't wanna die!
1252
01:00:48,353 --> 01:00:49,978
Please! I don't wanna die.
1253
01:00:50,063 --> 01:00:51,855
I don't wanna die.
I don't wanna die.
1254
01:00:51,898 --> 01:00:55,150
[crying] I don't wanna die. I don't
wanna die. I don't wanna die.
1255
01:00:57,862 --> 01:00:59,738
I didn't die. I'm alive!
1256
01:00:59,822 --> 01:01:01,531
I'm here at Madison Square Garden
1257
01:01:01,574 --> 01:01:05,243
where Moovealong.org is holding
their Anti-Fourth-of-July rally.
1258
01:01:05,328 --> 01:01:06,912
I didn't miss it!
1259
01:01:06,996 --> 01:01:08,872
It wasn't a nightmare!
1260
01:01:08,915 --> 01:01:11,792
Except for that creepy
George Washington guy.
1261
01:01:11,876 --> 01:01:13,669
It's a beautiful day!
1262
01:01:13,753 --> 01:01:16,630
They're all waiting
for their leader, Michael Malone
1263
01:01:18,383 --> 01:01:20,717
That's right, Michael Malone
1264
01:01:20,760 --> 01:01:22,177
I'm so f...
1265
01:01:22,261 --> 01:01:24,012
[knock on door]
1266
01:01:26,974 --> 01:01:28,350
Time to go.
1267
01:01:28,434 --> 01:01:29,935
I can't. I'm... sick.
1268
01:01:29,977 --> 01:01:31,770
Oh. You look terrible.
1269
01:01:31,854 --> 01:01:33,522
But you always look terrible.
1270
01:01:33,606 --> 01:01:36,441
Now come on.
Millions of people are counting on you.
1271
01:01:36,526 --> 01:01:38,527
[chanting] We love Michael Malone!
1272
01:01:38,611 --> 01:01:39,778
We love Michael Malone!
1273
01:01:39,862 --> 01:01:41,446
You gotta do the right thing.
1274
01:01:43,032 --> 01:01:44,783
Huh?
1275
01:01:44,826 --> 01:01:48,036
[protesters] We don't care how!
Leave now! We don't care how!
1276
01:01:48,121 --> 01:01:49,996
Leave now! We don't care how!
1277
01:01:50,081 --> 01:01:52,165
[chant continues]
1278
01:01:58,589 --> 01:01:59,965
[Ahmed] Director Akbar!
1279
01:02:01,259 --> 01:02:04,469
Director Akbar, our
all-access media passes,
1280
01:02:04,554 --> 01:02:05,971
you have them?
1281
01:02:06,055 --> 01:02:08,432
Oh, yeah, uh,
enjoy the, uh, demonstration.
1282
01:02:08,474 --> 01:02:10,726
- Thank you.
- Mr. Malone, Mr. Malone!
1283
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:12,561
What is your message to the troops
1284
01:02:12,645 --> 01:02:14,980
who have come for
the Fourth of July concert?
1285
01:02:15,064 --> 01:02:16,815
Uh... uh... uh...
1286
01:02:16,899 --> 01:02:18,358
[Heather] Give me that!
1287
01:02:18,443 --> 01:02:21,820
We're not gonna celebrate a country
that sends soldiers to fight.
1288
01:02:21,904 --> 01:02:25,323
That's what Michael is here to say.
Come on. Everyone's waiting.
1289
01:02:25,366 --> 01:02:27,492
Introduce Jimmy Carter
and make a speech.
1290
01:02:27,535 --> 01:02:30,871
- [chanting] Bring troops home!
- Michael Malone will be here soon!
1291
01:02:30,955 --> 01:02:33,331
Feel free to just wander on up here.
1292
01:02:33,374 --> 01:02:35,667
And here's former
President Jimmy Carter!
1293
01:02:35,710 --> 01:02:37,502
Israel is an apartheid state.
1294
01:02:37,545 --> 01:02:40,881
Uh, high taxes are good for you.
1295
01:02:40,965 --> 01:02:43,717
[woman] And after him,
Michael Malone is gonna be here!
1296
01:02:43,801 --> 01:02:45,719
Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.
1297
01:02:53,186 --> 01:02:55,020
Aah!
1298
01:02:55,062 --> 01:02:57,898
What am I gonna do?
They're gonna kill me!
1299
01:02:57,982 --> 01:02:59,399
- [slap]
- Aah!
1300
01:02:59,484 --> 01:03:01,777
You spineless bastard, act like a man.
1301
01:03:01,861 --> 01:03:04,362
Why'd you do that?
I was gonna do something.
1302
01:03:04,447 --> 01:03:06,782
I just don't know what. Aah!
1303
01:03:06,866 --> 01:03:10,368
You can't sit here on the sidelines.
It's time to take action.
1304
01:03:10,411 --> 01:03:12,788
I'm considering
getting another hero.
1305
01:03:12,872 --> 01:03:13,872
Aah!
1306
01:03:13,956 --> 01:03:17,667
[Malone] Hey! What are you doin' here?
You're not a spirit.
1307
01:03:17,710 --> 01:03:20,378
I know. I just enjoy slapping you.
1308
01:03:20,421 --> 01:03:21,922
- Aah!
- Listen to yourself!
1309
01:03:22,006 --> 01:03:25,717
The time has come to forget about
the consequences and show courage!
1310
01:03:25,760 --> 01:03:27,302
You know what courage is?
1311
01:03:27,386 --> 01:03:29,721
You mean, like the lion
in The Wizard Of Oz?
1312
01:03:30,640 --> 01:03:32,557
I had a more heroic reference in mind,
1313
01:03:32,642 --> 01:03:35,185
but if The Wizard Of Oz
works for you, well, OK.
1314
01:03:35,228 --> 01:03:39,231
You know, is it possible for me
to get a little privacy in here?
1315
01:03:39,315 --> 01:03:42,025
We are facing the greatest
evil since Nazism.
1316
01:03:42,068 --> 01:03:44,236
[Patton] What are you talking about?
1317
01:03:44,320 --> 01:03:47,197
To assure there will be no more war,
I've taken the liberty
1318
01:03:47,240 --> 01:03:51,952
of arranging a formal surrender ceremony
on the U.S.S. Missouri.
1319
01:04:04,340 --> 01:04:06,883
OK, stop! I'll do it.
1320
01:04:09,470 --> 01:04:10,929
Thank you, thank you.
1321
01:04:11,013 --> 01:04:14,140
[Carter] Oh, look, here he is now,
1322
01:04:14,225 --> 01:04:16,101
a true heavyweight of the movement,
1323
01:04:16,185 --> 01:04:18,937
our brother, Michael Malone!
1324
01:04:18,980 --> 01:04:21,398
Ah... whoo.
1325
01:04:21,440 --> 01:04:23,775
Ah, thank you. Thank you.
1326
01:04:23,818 --> 01:04:26,027
Uh, I know what you all
think is important.
1327
01:04:27,613 --> 01:04:29,781
Government-run health care.
1328
01:04:30,783 --> 01:04:32,158
Global warming.
1329
01:04:33,786 --> 01:04:35,996
No handguns allowed in your home.
1330
01:04:38,291 --> 01:04:40,959
And these things are all vital.
1331
01:04:43,337 --> 01:04:46,590
But they all come second
to the most important thing of all.
1332
01:04:46,632 --> 01:04:48,592
We're in a real war, people.
1333
01:04:48,634 --> 01:04:50,635
These terrorists want to kill us all,
1334
01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:53,096
and you're acting
like it's September 10th.
1335
01:04:56,934 --> 01:04:58,143
Traitor!
1336
01:04:58,185 --> 01:04:59,644
[crowd booing]
1337
01:05:07,486 --> 01:05:08,904
Where'd you get that?!
1338
01:05:08,988 --> 01:05:10,697
Aah!
1339
01:05:14,368 --> 01:05:15,744
Aah!
1340
01:05:15,828 --> 01:05:20,165
Hang on a second!
Thanks, guys. Aah!
1341
01:05:20,249 --> 01:05:23,585
Oh, please! I don't blame you
for wantin' to water-board me
1342
01:05:23,669 --> 01:05:25,712
in a secret CIA prison,
but I've changed!
1343
01:05:25,796 --> 01:05:29,049
- We're trying to protect you.
- Well, thank you for bein' here.
1344
01:05:29,133 --> 01:05:32,469
Don't thank us. Thank the recruiter
that came to our campus.
1345
01:05:32,511 --> 01:05:34,512
What? You guys went to college?
1346
01:05:35,848 --> 01:05:41,686
[announcer] And now, folks,
give a big New York City welcome to..
1347
01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:43,772
...Whiskey Falls!
1348
01:05:43,856 --> 01:05:46,024
[fireworks exploding]
1349
01:05:46,108 --> 01:05:48,610
[♪ Whiskey Falls: Hellbilly]
1350
01:05:48,694 --> 01:05:49,986
Poor Aziz.
1351
01:05:50,029 --> 01:05:52,822
He was supposed to wait
to detonate his bombs.
1352
01:05:52,865 --> 01:05:54,199
What a wanker.
1353
01:05:54,283 --> 01:05:56,743
Hey, let's get hot dogs
and go see the show.
1354
01:05:58,871 --> 01:06:01,164
After we blow ourselves up.
1355
01:06:01,207 --> 01:06:04,668
After the bombs go off,
I will personally kill you.
1356
01:06:04,710 --> 01:06:07,087
I can live with that.
1357
01:06:07,171 --> 01:06:09,172
[song continues]
1358
01:06:16,180 --> 01:06:18,223
Hey! Hey, it's that Michael Malone!
1359
01:06:18,307 --> 01:06:19,849
Oh, hey!
1360
01:06:19,892 --> 01:06:22,310
This is for people
who support our troops.
1361
01:06:22,395 --> 01:06:25,230
You hate country music.
What are you doin' here?
1362
01:06:25,314 --> 01:06:26,731
I had no choice.
1363
01:06:26,774 --> 01:06:29,484
I was about to be beaten
by peace marchers!
1364
01:06:30,820 --> 01:06:33,738
[announcer] And now,
on the birthday of our nation
1365
01:06:33,781 --> 01:06:35,448
we're proud to introduce a man
1366
01:06:35,533 --> 01:06:38,576
who has entertained troops
all over the world.
1367
01:06:38,619 --> 01:06:43,581
Please welcome country music
superstar Trace Adkins!
1368
01:06:43,624 --> 01:06:45,208
[cheering and applause]
1369
01:06:46,335 --> 01:06:48,586
The Angel of Death is headlining?
1370
01:06:48,629 --> 01:06:50,380
Hello, New York City!
1371
01:06:50,423 --> 01:06:52,549
[Ahmed and Mohammed] Director Akbar!
1372
01:06:52,591 --> 01:06:54,592
Director Akbar!
Back here!
1373
01:06:54,635 --> 01:06:56,636
Shh! I'm gonna get killed.
1374
01:06:56,721 --> 01:06:58,096
I know. We all are.
1375
01:06:58,139 --> 01:07:01,683
We have to tell you something.
Aziz is not an actor.
1376
01:07:01,767 --> 01:07:04,102
- He's not?
- He's something else.
1377
01:07:04,186 --> 01:07:05,478
Think back.
1378
01:07:08,649 --> 01:07:11,568
You look like a terrorist.
[laughing]
1379
01:07:12,778 --> 01:07:15,113
You are going to blow up
Madison Square Garden?
1380
01:07:15,197 --> 01:07:17,824
- [The Chicken Dance playing]
- Bawk, bawk, bawk!
1381
01:07:17,908 --> 01:07:18,908
Bawk, bawk, bawk!
1382
01:07:21,328 --> 01:07:22,412
Bawk, bawk, bawk!
1383
01:07:22,913 --> 01:07:27,167
Wait! So you're saying he's a terrorist?
1384
01:07:28,627 --> 01:07:31,463
- And that would make you...
- [both] Filmmakers.
1385
01:07:31,505 --> 01:07:32,797
Right!
1386
01:07:32,882 --> 01:07:36,051
The "film" is set to go off at 7:00.
1387
01:07:42,308 --> 01:07:43,558
We have to stop him.
1388
01:07:43,642 --> 01:07:45,643
We'll never find him in this crowd.
1389
01:07:46,812 --> 01:07:50,815
There's only one place
I can see everything. The stage.
1390
01:07:50,900 --> 01:07:51,983
They hate you.
1391
01:07:52,068 --> 01:07:54,027
They hated Stalin, too.
1392
01:07:54,111 --> 01:07:55,820
Look for him out in the house.
1393
01:07:55,905 --> 01:07:58,156
- Stalin?
- The mentor of Oprah.
1394
01:07:58,199 --> 01:08:00,450
[Adkins] I wouldn't want
to be anywhere else.
1395
01:08:00,493 --> 01:08:02,869
So come on, let's not waste
any more time.
1396
01:08:02,953 --> 01:08:03,995
Let me hear you.
1397
01:08:04,080 --> 01:08:06,206
[man] Hey, Malone,
get off the stage!
1398
01:08:06,290 --> 01:08:09,501
- [booing]
- [man 2] Get off the stage!
1399
01:08:09,585 --> 01:08:12,170
- [man 3] What's he doin' here!
- Well, uh...
1400
01:08:12,254 --> 01:08:15,423
- [man] What are you doin' here?!
- [Malone] Damn it, where is he?
1401
01:08:15,508 --> 01:08:18,968
Uh, you probably all hate me,
and I don't blame you.
1402
01:08:19,011 --> 01:08:20,637
I said a lot of bad things.
1403
01:08:20,679 --> 01:08:23,932
Uh, over the last few days,
I learned a lot of lessons.
1404
01:08:24,016 --> 01:08:26,935
And now I know that terrorism
is not our fault!
1405
01:08:27,019 --> 01:08:28,353
[crowd cheering]
1406
01:08:28,395 --> 01:08:30,730
[Malone] He's got to be
out there somewhere.
1407
01:08:30,815 --> 01:08:35,527
And that, uh, we may not be perfect,
but we're the good guys!
1408
01:08:35,611 --> 01:08:36,694
[crowd] Yeah!
1409
01:08:36,737 --> 01:08:40,698
I'm sorry about what I said about
country music, NASCAR, and Americans.
1410
01:08:40,741 --> 01:08:43,660
- If you want to listen to dumb songs
- [crowd booing]
1411
01:08:43,702 --> 01:08:45,370
about cowboys and trucks
1412
01:08:45,454 --> 01:08:48,039
and watch cars endlessly
go around in circles.
1413
01:08:48,124 --> 01:08:50,875
Hey, what... Hey, this is
the United States of America!
1414
01:08:50,960 --> 01:08:53,169
We're free to do what we want!
1415
01:08:53,212 --> 01:08:56,714
So if those of you who agree with me
1416
01:08:56,757 --> 01:08:59,551
that America should be
destroyed, stand up now!
1417
01:09:01,470 --> 01:09:04,556
Yes! Die, you American pigs!
1418
01:09:04,598 --> 01:09:06,015
[crowd] What?!
1419
01:09:06,058 --> 01:09:08,226
There he is! The terrorist! Get him!
1420
01:09:10,563 --> 01:09:12,147
We'll get him, director Akbar!
1421
01:09:14,150 --> 01:09:15,900
[Malone] Get him! Get him!
1422
01:09:26,203 --> 01:09:28,705
- Aziz, don't do it!
- Allahu Akbar.
1423
01:09:28,747 --> 01:09:29,831
- Wait!
- Wait!
1424
01:09:29,915 --> 01:09:32,041
[timer beeping]
1425
01:09:32,084 --> 01:09:33,084
- Oh!
- Oh!
1426
01:09:33,169 --> 01:09:35,128
OK, now we must disarm the bomb.
1427
01:09:35,212 --> 01:09:37,422
Then it's a good thing we're alert.
1428
01:09:40,259 --> 01:09:42,844
- The red one!
- Which one's red? I'm color blind.
1429
01:09:42,928 --> 01:09:44,429
[Ahmed] We don't have time.
1430
01:09:44,471 --> 01:09:47,056
[Mohammed] I've never done this
in a restroom.
1431
01:09:47,099 --> 01:09:50,268
Don't worry about it.
Just relax and pull it gently.
1432
01:09:50,352 --> 01:09:51,477
- Like that?
- Ooh!
1433
01:09:51,562 --> 01:09:52,604
Ooh!
1434
01:09:52,646 --> 01:09:53,813
Sailors.
1435
01:09:57,109 --> 01:10:00,278
[Mohammed] Not that one!
Don't pull that one!
1436
01:10:00,362 --> 01:10:02,655
[Ahmed] Push harder! Put it in here.
1437
01:10:02,740 --> 01:10:03,781
Oh!
1438
01:10:03,824 --> 01:10:05,617
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
He's waking up!
1439
01:10:05,659 --> 01:10:07,035
Do something!
1440
01:10:08,204 --> 01:10:09,245
- Huh?
- Look!
1441
01:10:09,288 --> 01:10:10,914
Aah ha ha ha!
1442
01:10:10,956 --> 01:10:14,209
- [Ahmed] That was amazing.
- [Mohammed] You're incredible.
1443
01:10:14,293 --> 01:10:15,293
Marines.
1444
01:10:28,307 --> 01:10:30,475
[Ahmed] Director Akbar!
Director Akbar!
1445
01:10:30,559 --> 01:10:32,852
- Look! Look!
- [timer resumes beeping]
1446
01:10:32,937 --> 01:10:34,312
- Ooh!
- [timer stops]
1447
01:10:34,355 --> 01:10:36,606
[crowd cheering]
1448
01:10:39,109 --> 01:10:41,069
Got anything else to say, son?
1449
01:10:41,195 --> 01:10:45,281
Yeah! How about you rednecks
Play some of that awful country music!
1450
01:10:45,324 --> 01:10:47,951
[band playing]
1451
01:10:49,662 --> 01:10:51,663
Welcome to the real America.
1452
01:10:52,998 --> 01:10:55,875
You know, you look
much slimmer in person.
1453
01:10:59,004 --> 01:11:02,507
♪ This is the greatest country
in the whole wide world
1454
01:11:02,549 --> 01:11:05,510
♪ The fastest horses
The prettiest girls
1455
01:11:05,594 --> 01:11:08,972
♪ We got the Army, the Navy
Air Force, and Marines
1456
01:11:09,014 --> 01:11:12,058
♪ The finest fightin' force
the world's ever seen
1457
01:11:12,142 --> 01:11:15,395
♪ We're the kind of people
that get things done
1458
01:11:15,479 --> 01:11:17,188
♪ No doubt about it, folks
1459
01:11:17,231 --> 01:11:18,856
♪ We're still number one
1460
01:11:18,899 --> 01:11:19,941
♪ We got the nerve
1461
01:11:20,025 --> 01:11:21,025
♪ We got the nerve
1462
01:11:21,068 --> 01:11:22,068
♪ We got the will
1463
01:11:22,152 --> 01:11:23,152
♪ We got the will
1464
01:11:23,195 --> 01:11:24,237
♪ We are all together
1465
01:11:24,321 --> 01:11:28,199
♪ And you know
that we are still America
1466
01:11:28,242 --> 01:11:31,869
♪ Yeah, I know the sun
is risin' on a better day
1467
01:11:31,954 --> 01:11:33,454
♪ America, America
1468
01:11:33,539 --> 01:11:36,708
[music fades to fifes playing]
1469
01:11:45,467 --> 01:11:47,719
♪ America, America
1470
01:11:47,761 --> 01:11:52,682
♪ Yeah, I believe in you
1471
01:11:52,725 --> 01:11:55,727
New York City!
1472
01:11:55,769 --> 01:11:56,894
Whoo!
1473
01:11:56,979 --> 01:11:58,062
There is mosh pit?
1474
01:11:58,105 --> 01:12:00,023
Not in country music.
1475
01:12:00,065 --> 01:12:01,441
Aah! Oh!
1476
01:12:02,443 --> 01:12:04,402
Oh!
1477
01:12:04,486 --> 01:12:07,405
♪ America, America
1478
01:12:07,448 --> 01:12:10,074
♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪
1479
01:12:10,117 --> 01:12:11,284
Josh.
1480
01:12:27,885 --> 01:12:28,968
Josh! Josh!
1481
01:12:29,053 --> 01:12:30,261
Huh?
1482
01:12:32,348 --> 01:12:33,473
Josh, Josh!
1483
01:12:35,100 --> 01:12:36,267
Josh, Josh!
1484
01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:37,393
Carry on.
1485
01:12:37,436 --> 01:12:39,729
[Timmy] Daddy, look who's here.
1486
01:12:39,772 --> 01:12:42,774
- Uncle Asshole!
- Josh!
1487
01:12:42,858 --> 01:12:44,233
Josh!
1488
01:12:52,785 --> 01:12:55,787
Can you forgive your stupid uncle
for being too blind to see
1489
01:12:55,871 --> 01:12:58,373
what's been right in front of him
this whole time?
1490
01:12:58,457 --> 01:13:00,541
Oh, nice! Blind jokes!
1491
01:13:00,626 --> 01:13:03,127
Uncle Michael, it's OK.
1492
01:13:03,170 --> 01:13:06,881
Well, I just want you to know
that I care about you, and...
1493
01:13:06,965 --> 01:13:08,633
...I'm proud of what you're doin'.
1494
01:13:08,675 --> 01:13:13,596
I always knew that, Uncle Michael.
I always knew it.
1495
01:13:14,640 --> 01:13:16,641
Well, now you take care of yourself,
1496
01:13:16,683 --> 01:13:19,644
'cause there's a lot
of bad people out there.
1497
01:13:19,686 --> 01:13:23,815
It's OK. As long as there's
a lot of good people here.
1498
01:13:26,276 --> 01:13:28,152
If there's anything I can do...
1499
01:13:29,238 --> 01:13:31,197
Maybe I can send
some DVDs of my movies.
1500
01:13:31,281 --> 01:13:32,657
That's all right.
1501
01:13:32,699 --> 01:13:35,660
We captured a lot of them
when we took Saddam's palace.
1502
01:13:36,954 --> 01:13:39,705
Besides, I think most
of the guys prefer features.
1503
01:13:41,333 --> 01:13:43,334
But I'd really appreciate it
1504
01:13:43,377 --> 01:13:46,462
if you could check in on Lily
and the kids while I'm gone.
1505
01:13:46,505 --> 01:13:48,339
Yeah, I will. No problem.
1506
01:13:49,842 --> 01:13:51,551
You've made Josh so happy.
1507
01:13:51,635 --> 01:13:54,011
- Thanks, Jilly.
- Lily.
1508
01:13:57,349 --> 01:13:59,267
Welcome to the fight, Uncle Michael.
1509
01:13:59,351 --> 01:14:01,310
This time I know our side will win.
1510
01:14:34,011 --> 01:14:35,970
- Ow!
- Ow!
1511
01:14:36,054 --> 01:14:38,848
Aah!
1512
01:14:38,891 --> 01:14:39,974
Aah!
1513
01:14:40,058 --> 01:14:41,058
Aah!
1514
01:14:41,101 --> 01:14:42,435
[muffled screams]
1515
01:14:42,519 --> 01:14:44,270
Ow!
1516
01:14:44,354 --> 01:14:46,439
- [boy] Help!
- [gasps]
1517
01:14:46,523 --> 01:14:48,191
Aah!
1518
01:14:48,233 --> 01:14:50,109
Aah!
1519
01:14:50,194 --> 01:14:51,235
Don't worry, Josh!
1520
01:14:51,278 --> 01:14:53,488
- [screams]
- I'll take care of the family!
1521
01:15:02,331 --> 01:15:03,748
Thought I'd find you here.
1522
01:15:05,250 --> 01:15:09,212
He's a good kid.
Persian Gulf, volunteered.
1523
01:15:09,254 --> 01:15:12,089
I feel so useless.
What can I do?
1524
01:15:12,174 --> 01:15:13,925
Well, you could start by being
1525
01:15:13,967 --> 01:15:17,094
as big a pain in the ass to
the terrorists as you've been to us.
1526
01:15:17,179 --> 01:15:19,931
Like makin' a movie
of the good things about America.
1527
01:15:20,015 --> 01:15:22,141
In Hollywood? Fat chance.
1528
01:15:22,226 --> 01:15:23,809
Sorry for bein' such a jerk.
1529
01:15:23,894 --> 01:15:26,020
Sorry I made you listen
to country music.
1530
01:15:26,104 --> 01:15:27,104
Ah, forget it.
1531
01:15:27,189 --> 01:15:28,814
Hey, you want to grab a sandwich?
1532
01:15:28,899 --> 01:15:31,651
I'd love to. Used to get
a good pastrami in Manhattan.
1533
01:15:31,735 --> 01:15:35,112
Before you got t-boned by that car.
It was a spinal injury, right?
1534
01:15:35,197 --> 01:15:37,615
[Patton] Tough day.
Didn't see that comin'.
1535
01:15:37,658 --> 01:15:40,284
[Malone] What do you think
about stem cell research?
1536
01:15:40,369 --> 01:15:43,204
Let's not go there.
A broken neck is a broken neck...
1537
01:15:43,288 --> 01:15:46,290
[Grandpa] From then on,
he always remembered to celebrate
1538
01:15:46,375 --> 01:15:47,833
the Fourth of July
1539
01:15:47,918 --> 01:15:50,336
and he did what he could
to help out the soldiers.
1540
01:15:50,420 --> 01:15:52,797
But most important, he devoted himself
1541
01:15:52,839 --> 01:15:55,132
to spreading a message of his hero
1542
01:15:55,801 --> 01:15:57,343
My fellow Americans,
1543
01:15:57,427 --> 01:16:00,513
ask not what your country
can do for you,
1544
01:16:00,597 --> 01:16:04,308
but rather, ask, uh...
Uh... line!
1545
01:16:04,351 --> 01:16:07,395
You know, I don't think JFK
would say this like that.
1546
01:16:07,479 --> 01:16:11,190
- It's become such a...
- "What you can do for your country!"
1547
01:16:11,275 --> 01:16:14,777
Oh, cut!
What are we gonna do?
1548
01:16:14,820 --> 01:16:17,446
Fire his ass.
1549
01:16:17,489 --> 01:16:19,156
That's my boy.
1550
01:16:19,241 --> 01:16:20,575
God bless us, everyone.
1551
01:16:20,659 --> 01:16:22,952
[Malone and Timmy]
And God bless America!
1552
01:16:22,995 --> 01:16:26,163
[Grandpa] And it turned out
people actually wanted to see movies
1553
01:16:26,248 --> 01:16:28,332
that showed good things about America
1554
01:16:28,417 --> 01:16:31,043
- [girl] Grandpa!
- Oh, Grandpa, come on.
1555
01:16:31,128 --> 01:16:34,630
Hey. It's just a story.
1556
01:16:35,757 --> 01:16:37,508
[Kennedy] My fellow Americans,
1557
01:16:37,551 --> 01:16:39,969
ask not what your country
can do for you,
1558
01:16:40,012 --> 01:16:43,264
but rather ask what you can do
for your country.
1559
01:16:44,057 --> 01:16:45,516
[Malone] Cut! Print!
1560
01:16:45,559 --> 01:16:47,893
[♪ Trace Adkins:
America I Believe In You]
1561
01:18:05,722 --> 01:18:07,723
[♪ Whiskey Falls: Hellbilly]
112991
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