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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:32,990 [man] 1, 2, 3... 2 00:00:33,074 --> 00:00:35,951 [♪ Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama] 3 00:00:43,668 --> 00:00:46,086 [children laughing and shouting] 4 00:00:50,925 --> 00:00:53,135 [kids] Hi, Grandpa! 5 00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:54,511 Hey! 6 00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:01,101 - Ahh! - [girl] Grandpa, over here! 7 00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:02,227 Oh! 8 00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:06,440 - Hey, hey, hey! - [kids] Grandpa! 9 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:09,318 Everybody now, happy Fourth of July! 10 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:10,611 Thanks, Grandpa! 11 00:01:10,653 --> 00:01:12,654 That's it, go ahead, kids. 12 00:01:12,697 --> 00:01:14,865 Dig in. I made 'em myself. 13 00:01:14,949 --> 00:01:16,241 - Bleh! - Blech! 14 00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:19,119 [Grandpa] Pretty good. How's that taste there, Timmy? 15 00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:21,246 Uh, I'm not really hungry right now. 16 00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,123 Why don't you tell us a story? 17 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:26,585 - Yeah! One of your great stories! - Yeah, one of your stories! 18 00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:29,421 All right, how about the one that you kids always love? 19 00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:32,591 - The, uh... the story of Scrooge. - Scrooge?! 20 00:01:32,675 --> 00:01:35,552 - The guy who hated Christmas? - That's dumb. 21 00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:39,640 Well, uh, sort of, but this Scrooge hated the Fourth of July. 22 00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:41,517 Why does he hate the Fourth of July? 23 00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:45,813 Well, uh, the story begins high on a mountaintop, 24 00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:48,857 far away in Afghanistan. 25 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:56,031 [Arabic music playing] 26 00:01:57,867 --> 00:01:59,952 - Mohammed? - [all] Yes, sir? 27 00:02:00,036 --> 00:02:01,078 Quiet! Calm down! 28 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:05,415 - They're all named Mohammed, sir. - Yes, of course. 29 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,417 I must remember to use last names. 30 00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:09,795 - Hussein! - [all] Yes, sir? 31 00:02:11,714 --> 00:02:13,382 For God's sake, you! 32 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:20,556 - [Aziz] Is that your brother? - Hussein? 33 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:21,974 Why is he voting? 34 00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:24,726 It's not his fault. He is the campaign manager. 35 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:27,396 - What? For who? - Mohammed Hussein. 36 00:02:27,438 --> 00:02:30,858 - [all] Yes, sir! - Quiet! 37 00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:32,234 All right, everyone. 38 00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:35,487 Well, who's going to be the first? 39 00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:37,948 I am. 40 00:02:38,032 --> 00:02:41,535 Ah, very good. Very good. And what is your name, young man? 41 00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:43,579 - Mu... - Forget it. Mount up. 42 00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:47,374 - Allahu Akbar. - What exactly did I volunteer for? 43 00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:50,377 Messenger duty. Excellent pay. 44 00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:53,005 But, sir, this bicycle... 45 00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:55,549 - What's wrong? - Well, it's kind of rickety. 46 00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:57,718 I don't know if it can get back up the hill. 47 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,012 I wouldn't worry about that. 48 00:03:00,096 --> 00:03:02,556 - Maybe if I take some bombs off... - No, no, no. 49 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:06,101 - It is a part of the uniform. - Ah. 50 00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:07,603 [brake handles squeaking] 51 00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:10,147 And it doesn't seem to have any brakes. 52 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:13,734 It's OK. Allah will stop you. 53 00:03:13,776 --> 00:03:15,986 Of course. 54 00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:24,286 Oh, yeah, Allah will stop me. 55 00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:27,247 Aah! 56 00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:31,710 Aah! 57 00:03:31,794 --> 00:03:34,213 Oh! 58 00:03:34,297 --> 00:03:35,297 Jesus! 59 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,925 You! Go get him. 60 00:03:40,428 --> 00:03:44,181 - [moaning] - I found the problem, sir! 61 00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:47,017 This idiot forgot to pull the firing... 62 00:03:52,982 --> 00:03:54,441 [Ahmed] Don't you see? 63 00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:57,110 We have at least destroyed an infidel's car. 64 00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:59,738 That was my car. 65 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,001 [Aziz] What's going on here? 66 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,379 Huh? What are you people doing? 67 00:04:15,463 --> 00:04:17,798 Why are you voting in this infidel election? 68 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,800 Because we want democracy, 69 00:04:19,842 --> 00:04:22,678 freedom, elect a president who will be accountable. 70 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,013 Enough! Mohammed, take care of him! 71 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:27,808 Mohammed, what in the name of Allah are you doing? 72 00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:32,020 I'm not voting for president. But I feel strongly about Proposition 12. 73 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,523 A marriage should be between a man and a woman. 74 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,527 Or between a man and a really good-looking man. 75 00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:42,698 - Shut up. - This is what you vote for? 76 00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,701 That and immigration. We need a guest worker program 77 00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:48,620 so that the Mexicans can do the job the Taliban won't. 78 00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:50,872 [mariachi music blaring on radio] 79 00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:58,797 These Western ideas are dangerous. 80 00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:00,716 We must resist them at every turn. 81 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,218 Leader, we're not strong anymore. 82 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,721 Since the Americans came, people have hope. 83 00:05:05,763 --> 00:05:09,516 - They are voting, woman own businesses. - Yes, it is getting harder 84 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,519 to find suicide bombers, and all the good ones are gone. 85 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:16,106 Sir, I think we might need a new recruitment video. 86 00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:17,983 Look, ours... 87 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:20,736 it looks, you know, cheap. 88 00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:25,699 [announcer] This video will teach you 89 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:27,826 Here are Ahmed and Ahman 90 00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:30,912 They may be brothers, but they couldn't be more different 91 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,623 Ahmed knows punctuality is important 92 00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:36,626 He's sure to leave plenty of time to get to his bombing site. 93 00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:38,378 [Ahmed screaming, indistinct] 94 00:05:40,089 --> 00:05:43,425 [announcer] Ahman leaves everything to the last minute 95 00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:45,510 [Ahman] Oh, shit! 96 00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:48,347 [announcer] Ahmed double checks the address of the site 97 00:05:48,431 --> 00:05:49,765 so there are no mistakes 98 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,308 Ahman doesn't 99 00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:53,143 2518, 2519... 100 00:05:53,227 --> 00:05:54,936 Shit! 101 00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,230 [announcer] Ahmed dresses properly 102 00:05:57,273 --> 00:06:00,609 wearing clothing that is loose enough to hide his explosives. 103 00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:03,445 Ahman dresses inappropriately 104 00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:08,784 Oh. You are right. It is awful. 105 00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,577 If I may suggest, sir, 106 00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:14,581 what we need is a real Hollywood director to help us. 107 00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:18,335 But he must hate America. 108 00:06:18,419 --> 00:06:21,463 This won't be hard to find in Hollywood. They all hate America. 109 00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:25,842 Yes, but your average, girly-man Hollywood director won't be enough. 110 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:30,972 What we need is someone who really, really hates America. 111 00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,977 [man] Is the camera on? OK, action. Ahem. 112 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,021 I am on the island paradise, Cuba, 113 00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:40,148 where there's a hospital on every block. 114 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:43,693 As we can see, Cubans have the very best health care in the world. 115 00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:45,862 Not like America, where it can kill you. 116 00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:48,698 I've got two Americans here, Bob and Joan Friedman, 117 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:51,868 injured during Hurricane Katrina, caused by you know who. 118 00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:54,371 But haven't been able to get an American doctor 119 00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:57,666 to pay a house call to their gated community in Shaker Heights. 120 00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:00,877 - [man] Another mojito! - Why? Because we're spending money 121 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:03,672 on military buildup for this phony war on terror. 122 00:07:03,714 --> 00:07:07,551 Doctor, we just want the same care you give your own people. 123 00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:09,052 OK, then get in line. 124 00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:10,178 Oh, oh! Comrades! 125 00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:13,014 - [man] End of the line, gringo! - [man 2] No skipping! 126 00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:15,684 Cuba is famous for its free prescription drug plan. 127 00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:16,935 What do you have for me? 128 00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:18,562 - Take these. - OK. 129 00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:19,980 These are breath mints. 130 00:07:20,022 --> 00:07:23,775 - Sí, señor. Take two. - [exhaling] Huh? 131 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:25,735 OK, pal, there ya go. 132 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,863 Free. That'll make you feel better. 133 00:07:27,905 --> 00:07:29,448 - There you go. - Huh? 134 00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,451 Free. You know, in America, that'd cost an arm and a leg. 135 00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:35,620 - Aw, jeez. Dude. - Sorry. 136 00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:38,290 That's OK, Paco, you'll be back on your feet in no time. 137 00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:39,708 - Cuba. More... - Ready... 138 00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:40,876 - than the jewel... - Aim... 139 00:07:40,918 --> 00:07:42,043 - of the Caribbean. - Fire! 140 00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:45,505 - A country that cares for its citizens. - [woman] Finally, we can move up! 141 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,174 God! This is paradise! 142 00:07:47,216 --> 00:07:50,719 I gotta get back, but I can be assured that my American friends 143 00:07:50,761 --> 00:07:53,722 are in good hands in the Cuban health care system. 144 00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:56,057 [Malone on bullhorn] It's time for me to leave 145 00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:59,728 and say goodbye to all my little brown friends. 146 00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:01,062 And it's off to America. 147 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,314 [woman] America! 148 00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:03,690 [man] He's going to America! 149 00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:05,025 [man 2] He said America! 150 00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:06,568 [people shouting] 151 00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:08,945 - Take me! - Take me! 152 00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:11,531 I do want to say... 153 00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:14,451 Whoa! Get out! Get out! 154 00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:15,952 [screaming] 155 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:20,499 [Malone] So many people wanted to thank me, they rushed the boat 156 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:23,793 These people know how bad it's gotten in America. 157 00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:28,006 Well, I guess they wanted me to spread the word about what a paradise Cuba is 158 00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:31,468 - [screaming] - Aah! Off my boat! 159 00:08:31,552 --> 00:08:32,552 Yeah! 160 00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:35,055 [Grandpa] He thought everybody loved his movies 161 00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:36,556 - [girl] Did they? - No! 162 00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:39,851 Nobody loves documentaries. But people do find them restful 163 00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:41,978 [yawning] 164 00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:43,647 [Malone] Thank you! Thank you! 165 00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:44,856 Thank you! 166 00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:48,193 Thank you for that great New York reception. 167 00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,487 But as important as this movie is, 168 00:08:50,571 --> 00:08:54,366 even more important is the largest peace demonstration 169 00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:56,117 the world has ever known. 170 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:59,621 This Sunday, we're gonna abolish July 4th. 171 00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:00,747 [cheering] 172 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,499 [girl] Why did he hate Fourth of July? 173 00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:05,961 [boy] It was America's birthday party and he wasn't invited. 174 00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:08,505 [kids] Grandpa, get back to the story! 175 00:09:08,589 --> 00:09:11,716 We're sending packages to soldiers for the Fourth of July. 176 00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:14,886 They're far from their home, away from their families. 177 00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:18,557 They shouldn't be. Shouldn't you be in a tent somewhere, tyin' knots? 178 00:09:20,142 --> 00:09:23,436 Oh, ho, now, this is more like it! There ya go. 179 00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:27,983 I'll take three chocolate mints, three fudge... 180 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:30,360 Oh, merit badges. What are those for? 181 00:09:30,444 --> 00:09:33,446 Oh. Well, this is for making a safety display. 182 00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:37,158 This one's for camping, and this is a good manners badge. 183 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,493 Oh! 184 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,870 For being respectful to a fat, ignorant, 185 00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:42,289 traitorous sack of shit. 186 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,375 [girl] Grandpa! 187 00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:46,960 - Grandpa! - [boy] I heard you! 188 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,795 Oh, what? I didn't say that. 189 00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:49,921 I said, uh... 190 00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:52,674 Fat, ignorant, America-hating traitor. 191 00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:54,759 - You did say that. - No, I didn't. 192 00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:56,845 [Malone] Ha ha! The spirit is back. 193 00:09:56,887 --> 00:10:00,557 We are on a roll, people. This rally will be historic. 194 00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:03,727 - Most important since Nixon. - Nixon? 195 00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:06,396 Total dork president from around the Civil War. 196 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,857 All the most important progressive organizations 197 00:10:08,899 --> 00:10:10,233 will be represented. Jane? 198 00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:13,903 So far, People For The Anti-American Way, 199 00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:17,657 Vegans Against Fur, Man-boy Love Boat, 200 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:20,744 Potawamie Casino, Church of Entitlement, 201 00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:22,203 - and, um... - And? 202 00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:25,165 And...it's still early. 203 00:10:25,207 --> 00:10:26,249 The rally's Sunday! 204 00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,084 Don't worry, we'll get more. 205 00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:30,754 We're not shaving till they bring the troops home. 206 00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:33,506 - Thank you, boys. - They're women. 207 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,302 [Malone] Right. 208 00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:38,470 Like all of us. 209 00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:43,892 We have to ban military recruiters from college campuses. They interfere... 210 00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:45,143 Excuse me. 211 00:10:45,227 --> 00:10:48,063 Oh. Are you here to join Sailors Against War? 212 00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:50,982 No, uh, I think all sailors are against war, 213 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:52,651 but sometimes we have to fight. 214 00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,069 Soldiers Against Guns? 215 00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:57,113 No. Those guns come in handy when we do fight. 216 00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,574 The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Brigade? 217 00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:02,035 No, uh, please. 218 00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:04,996 I'm just here looking for my uncle. His name is... Oh. 219 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:10,085 - Uncle Michael, hey. - Huh? Josh? 220 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:15,548 Hey. This is my... nephew. 221 00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:19,302 Josh. He's, uh... 222 00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:20,970 What are you doin' here? 223 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:24,391 I came here to invite you to our Fourth of July barbecue, 224 00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:25,725 like I do every year. 225 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:29,562 Well, that's very nice of you... again, but I'm a little busy here. 226 00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:32,190 "Abolish July 4th." Are you kidding? 227 00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:35,443 This is no joke. Why should I celebrate a country 228 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:39,030 that's caused oppression and terror all over the world? 229 00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:40,240 Is that how he felt? 230 00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:42,826 He was a war hero. P.T. 109. 231 00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:45,620 He would've come around. If he were alive today, 232 00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:48,456 this Sunday, he'd be marchin' with us in solidarity. 233 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,418 Uncle Michael, I realize how strongly you feel, 234 00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:54,671 - but Lily and I just... - [mice squeaking] 235 00:11:54,755 --> 00:11:57,090 We won't be going too late. 236 00:11:57,133 --> 00:12:00,260 A lot of our guests are going to the Trace Adkins concert. 237 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:04,639 - Who's Trace Adkins? - I'm good. 238 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,725 He's a big country music star. 239 00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:09,477 Maybe not in New York, but in the rest of the country. 240 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,479 Country music doesn't speak to me. 241 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:14,691 Not just because the music's awful or the lyrics are stupid, 242 00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:18,236 or everybody dresses like that cowboy from the Village People. 243 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,531 - How's little Billy? - Timmy. 244 00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:24,617 Not very well, I'm afraid, but he's got great spirit. 245 00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:27,829 - He'd love to see you. - Well, maybe I'll stop by next week. 246 00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,998 It'll probably be too late. 247 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,668 - Oh, little Jimmy. - Timmy. 248 00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:37,255 No. He'll probably still be around, but... 249 00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,966 I'm shipping out to the Persian Gulf Sunday night. 250 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,385 Well, can't you get out of it? 251 00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:45,513 I want to go. It's my duty. 252 00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:48,099 I don't get it. How can you be related to me? 253 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:52,020 Mr. Malone, your 1:00 is here with people from Abolish The Military. 254 00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:56,733 Well, I guess I got some work to do. 255 00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:59,819 Well, you're invited in case you change your mind. 256 00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:00,945 Right. Sure. 257 00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,323 Uncle Michael, I came here in good spirits, 258 00:13:03,365 --> 00:13:05,825 and I don't want to let anything change that. 259 00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:09,162 Happy Fourth of July, everyone, and God bless America! 260 00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:12,499 [Josh] ♪ My country 'tis of thee 261 00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:13,625 ♪ Sweet land of.. 262 00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:15,335 ♪ Liberty 263 00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:18,421 ♪ Lighted up by the rockets in the air... 264 00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:21,007 - [kids shouting] - Grandpa, get back to the story! 265 00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:22,634 I've never left it. 266 00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:28,348 [jazz music playing] 267 00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:36,856 I'm meeting my agent, Todd Grosslight. 268 00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,233 Oh, yes. 269 00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,569 I'm sorry, sir, but gentlemen are required to wear a jacket. 270 00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:43,279 Look, don't you know who I am? 271 00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:44,823 I'm Michael Malone. 272 00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:48,243 Well, then perhaps a shower as well. 273 00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:53,414 What the hell? I didn't make the top 10? That's impossible! 274 00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:57,293 Apparently, the people who like your movies don't actually go to movies. 275 00:13:57,378 --> 00:14:00,839 No one wants to see Americans screwed by foreigners, except in porn. 276 00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:02,632 I haven't done porn in years! 277 00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:05,885 - [music stops] - [nervous chuckle] 278 00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:11,099 - Anyway, I'm an Oscar-winning director. - For a documentary. Come on. 279 00:14:11,141 --> 00:14:12,934 I know that. 280 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:15,270 I gotta do a feature like John Ford. 281 00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:18,106 That man was a true filmmaker. 282 00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:22,026 The sweeping vision, the amazing panoramas of Monument Valley. 283 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:23,695 And soldiers were good guys. 284 00:14:23,779 --> 00:14:27,073 But you're leading a demonstration against our troops. 285 00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:29,242 Oh, right, on the Fourth of July. 286 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:32,620 - It's not against the troops. - Oh, save it for your crazies. 287 00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:35,206 Look, Mikey, 288 00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:39,085 this is a fickle town. 289 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,254 See the maitre d' over there, huh? 290 00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:43,464 Used to be recurring on Seinfeld. 291 00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:47,343 Hey, call me. [laughs] 292 00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,512 Now, what is this feature you have in mind? 293 00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:53,641 It's a powerful drama about oppressed people adrift in a world gone mad. 294 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:54,767 Hmm! 295 00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:58,980 It's anti-everything-America-stands-for without being anti-American. 296 00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,481 Hmm... 297 00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:04,861 Fascist America? Comedy, right? 298 00:15:04,945 --> 00:15:06,863 Wow. [sniffs] Did you bathe today? 299 00:15:06,947 --> 00:15:08,823 No. 300 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,826 [orchestra playing] 301 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:15,121 [announcer] And now, live from New York City 302 00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:17,540 it's the MooveAlong.org Film Awards 303 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:20,793 hosted by Paris Hilton and Simon Rex 304 00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:22,670 And now, here are your hosts 305 00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:24,714 Paris Hilton and Simon Rex 306 00:15:24,798 --> 00:15:28,343 We are gathered here tonight because we all share the same goals: 307 00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:32,013 redistribution of wealth, freedom from the chains of materialism, 308 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,474 and, of course, ending world hunger. 309 00:15:34,516 --> 00:15:37,310 - [applause] - Finally. I'm starving. 310 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:41,940 It's our pleasure to present the most prestigious honor 311 00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:44,692 in documentary film, the Leni Riefenstahl Award. 312 00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:46,569 [applause, music] 313 00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:49,530 [Rex] As Germany's most famous documentary filmmaker, 314 00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:52,325 Leni Riefenstahl celebrated the incredible rise 315 00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,369 of Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler, 316 00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:57,747 becoming a tireless promoter of his campaign for change. 317 00:15:57,831 --> 00:16:00,541 Her pioneering use of the wide-angle lens 318 00:16:00,584 --> 00:16:03,294 to capture the scope of massive formations 319 00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:06,005 paved the way for generations of filmmakers. 320 00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:08,716 Through the creative manipulation of truth, 321 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:13,304 she was able to influence history, demonstrating the power of film. 322 00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:17,558 [Hilton] Although resulting in the death of over 60 million people, 323 00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:20,269 her place in any cinematic hall of fame is secure. 324 00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:24,774 And this year's award for best documentary director goes to... 325 00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:28,569 Michael Malone for Die, You American Pigs 326 00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:32,365 [announcer] This is Michael Malone's third Moove Along award. 327 00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:36,035 He previously won for his documentaries Shame On You, America, 328 00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,955 - and America Sucks A Big One. - Oh, OK. 329 00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:42,917 Hey. I try to tell the truth in my films, and I get attacked... 330 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,586 - [orchestra playing] - but I'm gonna continue... 331 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:46,713 Oh. Ha. 332 00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:48,047 Oh. What is that? 333 00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:51,676 Ooh! Ooh! 334 00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:58,433 Get my good side. 335 00:16:58,475 --> 00:17:01,394 That concludes the non-televised portion of the show. 336 00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:02,729 - [drum roll] - Huh? 337 00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,814 And now the highlight of the evening: 338 00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:07,066 Best Feature Film Director. 339 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,943 And the award goes to... 340 00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:11,779 [both] George Mulrooney! 341 00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:14,115 For That McCarthy Sure Was Bad 342 00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:16,451 [announcer] The heroic story of newscaster 343 00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:20,788 Edward R. Murrow, who half a century ago took on a drunken U.S. Senator 344 00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:23,124 who accused people of being communists 345 00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,626 This is Mulrooney's 19th Moove Along Award 346 00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:29,088 to go with his 11 Oscars, 9 Emmys and two Super Bowl rings. 347 00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:32,133 Thank you. I... I dedicate this award 348 00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:34,635 to all the courageous filmmakers 349 00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:36,471 who take on tough issues 350 00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:39,140 like McCarthyism, even though it no longer exists, 351 00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:42,477 or like slavery or Nazism, even though they ended, too. 352 00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:46,105 But you know, evil exists today. Like, well, Islamic terrorism. 353 00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:49,233 [laughing] But like I'm gonna make that movie, right? 354 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:52,612 Like I want to get beheaded. [choking] 355 00:17:52,654 --> 00:17:56,032 - [orchestra playing] - [Mulrooney laughing] 356 00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:58,701 - Thank you! - [woman] George! Over here! 357 00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:00,995 Aah! 358 00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:03,164 Ooh! Oh! 359 00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:18,137 Huh! 360 00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:21,057 Oh! [chuckling] 361 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,936 Wow. Mulrooney's so hot. 362 00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:28,272 Huh? Huh? 363 00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,358 Excuse us, Director Michael Malone. 364 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,860 I am Ahmed, and this is my comrade Mohammed. 365 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:33,945 Nice to meet you. 366 00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:38,199 Wait, no. We want you to direct a movie to inspire the final jihad. 367 00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:42,912 Oh, thanks, fellas, great idea, but I'm only doin' big-budget features. 368 00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:44,956 How big of a budget would you need? 369 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,083 A feature? 10 million minimum. 370 00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:49,168 Call me when you sold enough falafel. 371 00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:55,007 Ahmed, Mohammed. 372 00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:56,175 [both] Who are you? 373 00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:57,510 It's me. 374 00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:01,556 - Aziz! - Shh! 375 00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:06,018 - What are you doing here? - We have a more important mission. 376 00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:08,229 - But the movie. - It can wait. 377 00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:11,941 This will be the most spectacular attack on the infidels ever. 378 00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:15,486 But we need to find someone important with the right connections. 379 00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:18,072 [Malone] I'm directing Mulrooney's next picture. 380 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,366 - Someone like that. - Director Akbar? 381 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,910 Yes. What will it take to get him to cooperate? 382 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,370 [both] $10 million. 383 00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:27,331 Well, the opium crop is very good this year. 384 00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:29,292 Money will be no problem. 385 00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:30,918 Allahu Akbar 386 00:19:32,462 --> 00:19:34,589 So I said to Spielberg, Steve, you can't... 387 00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:36,174 Ooh, crab cakes. 388 00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,259 Say, want to go to Clint's party with me? 389 00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:39,427 Director Akbar! 390 00:19:39,469 --> 00:19:43,264 - We have glorious news for you... - George! George! 391 00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:44,432 We have 10 million. 392 00:19:44,474 --> 00:19:47,768 Must have been a good opium crop this year. George, over here. 393 00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:51,480 - 10 million U.S. dollars, cash. - Cash? Right! 394 00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:54,066 - Good! So you'll do it. - Yeah, right. 395 00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:57,111 Have your people contact my people. 396 00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:00,448 I bet she would look great in a burka. 397 00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:04,493 [Entertainment Tonight theme music playing] 398 00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:08,039 [humming along] 399 00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,124 [Mary Hart] Now, Entertainment Tonight 400 00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:13,961 takes you behind the scenes to discover where are they now? 401 00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:17,632 We're going to find out whatever happened to Michael Malone 402 00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,759 the beefy filmmaker who's trying to get 403 00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:22,678 a new movie off the ground a feature. [laughs] 404 00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:25,223 After the news that his latest movie tanked.. 405 00:20:25,307 --> 00:20:28,392 - What?! - Who is gonna bankroll that? 406 00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:31,270 This past Tuesday, we finally tracked down 407 00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:33,314 Clyde the orangutan.. 408 00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:36,984 [Seinfeld-like music playing] 409 00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:40,029 - Are you sure you have $10 million? - Absolutely. 410 00:20:40,113 --> 00:20:41,906 Then why'd you come to me? 411 00:20:41,990 --> 00:20:45,243 We heard you're a big, fat liar. Aah! 412 00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:47,995 Sorry. My friend is not detonating on all cylinders. 413 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,998 He meant, your movies are filled with big, fat lies. 414 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,168 It's OK. They're documentaries. They don't have to be true. 415 00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:56,295 Look, I love America. 416 00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:59,590 That's why it needs to be destroyed, so it'll come to its senses. 417 00:20:59,675 --> 00:21:02,218 Right. Well, anyway, we need your help. 418 00:21:02,302 --> 00:21:04,345 No matter how many people we kill, 419 00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:06,180 we cannot get rid of the Americans. 420 00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,349 We need a movie that shows we are winning. 421 00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:09,809 Even though we're not. Aah! 422 00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:12,019 Director Akbar, we already have an idea. 423 00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:14,689 It's a traditional Taliban love story. 424 00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:18,234 Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy cuts girl's head off. 425 00:21:18,318 --> 00:21:19,610 What? 426 00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:22,363 Happy ending. He preserves his honor. 427 00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:25,866 Look, guys, I'm not gonna do a movie about homicidal psychopaths 428 00:21:25,909 --> 00:21:27,368 who cut people's heads off. 429 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,329 I'll do it, but it's gonna be my script. 430 00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:32,999 Dramatic story about how one courageous man 431 00:21:33,041 --> 00:21:35,543 took on the system and exposed America's evil. 432 00:21:35,585 --> 00:21:38,337 Like Hannah Montana. Wait! 433 00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:42,591 - Thank you. Oh! - [Seinfeld-like music playing] 434 00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:44,719 You gonna finish that? 435 00:21:44,761 --> 00:21:47,096 Wait. He's going to work for terrorists? 436 00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:50,850 - It's looking that way, isn't it? - Doesn't that make him a terrorist? 437 00:21:50,892 --> 00:21:53,602 [girl] No, silly. That just makes him a total idiot. 438 00:21:55,605 --> 00:21:57,440 [announcer] ...first-place tie 439 00:21:57,524 --> 00:21:58,733 [changing channels] 440 00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:02,278 [announcer] John F. Kennedy, 35th president of the United States 441 00:22:02,362 --> 00:22:04,989 cut down by an assassin's bullet 442 00:22:05,073 --> 00:22:09,160 The tears were not only for a president but for what he stood for, 443 00:22:09,244 --> 00:22:11,579 the causes he held dear 444 00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:15,291 [Kennedy] Let us never negotiate out of fear, 445 00:22:15,375 --> 00:22:20,421 - but let us never fear to negotiate - My hero. A man of peace. 446 00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:22,548 If only you were president now. 447 00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:25,843 Wait 448 00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:32,683 If I were president, what? 449 00:22:33,894 --> 00:22:35,436 [Malone gasping] 450 00:22:35,479 --> 00:22:38,939 You said that I was a hero a true peacemaker. 451 00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:43,736 [Malone] You can't be here! 452 00:22:43,779 --> 00:22:45,363 You're dead! 453 00:22:45,447 --> 00:22:49,408 - You must redeem yourself. - How'd you do that? 454 00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:51,952 This is the greatest country in history, 455 00:22:52,037 --> 00:22:54,497 and you have slandered it all over the globe. 456 00:22:54,581 --> 00:22:57,875 I was tryin' to be like you. You wouldn't have gone into Vietnam. 457 00:22:57,959 --> 00:23:00,544 - Who told you that? - Oliver Stone. In his movie. 458 00:23:00,629 --> 00:23:03,631 Oh, brother! Did you ever read my inaugural address? 459 00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:07,343 Of course! "Ask not what your country can do for you. 460 00:23:07,427 --> 00:23:08,969 Ask what..." Aah! 461 00:23:09,012 --> 00:23:12,056 Not that part. The part about going to war. 462 00:23:12,140 --> 00:23:14,433 - There was a war part? - Oh, brother. 463 00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:20,815 Let every nation know 464 00:23:20,857 --> 00:23:23,317 whether they wish us well or ill 465 00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:25,778 that we shall pay any price 466 00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:27,780 bear any burden.. 467 00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:28,823 [tapping screen] 468 00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:32,284 meet any hardship, support any friend 469 00:23:32,327 --> 00:23:37,331 oppose any foe, to assure the survival 470 00:23:37,374 --> 00:23:38,999 and the success of liberty 471 00:23:39,042 --> 00:23:41,585 Uh, thanks, folks 472 00:23:41,670 --> 00:23:45,005 Oh! I didn't know about the war part. 473 00:23:45,048 --> 00:23:48,259 What do you think that meant? Draft another 8 U.N. Resolutions? 474 00:23:48,343 --> 00:23:49,760 You sound like Reagan. 475 00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:52,263 Thank you. You're not gonna eat that, are you? 476 00:23:52,347 --> 00:23:56,058 OK, look, you will be visited by three spirits. 477 00:23:56,143 --> 00:23:57,351 Listen to them. 478 00:23:57,394 --> 00:23:58,394 Learn from them. 479 00:23:58,478 --> 00:23:59,645 Oh, yeah. 480 00:23:59,688 --> 00:24:04,108 The spirits are gonna come scare me, and I'm gonna be born again, right? 481 00:24:05,819 --> 00:24:07,236 What a douchebag. 482 00:24:09,656 --> 00:24:10,698 Hey, wait! 483 00:24:10,740 --> 00:24:13,617 Hey, when are these spirits gonna... Aah! 484 00:24:19,249 --> 00:24:22,251 [alarm clock beeping] 485 00:24:24,671 --> 00:24:25,838 Oh! 486 00:24:27,757 --> 00:24:29,133 What a nightmare. 487 00:24:30,385 --> 00:24:31,635 I'm gonna be late! 488 00:24:33,597 --> 00:24:34,638 Ooh! 489 00:24:34,723 --> 00:24:37,057 [Grandpa] He rushed to Columbia University 490 00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:39,602 to lead a demonstration against the troops. 491 00:24:39,686 --> 00:24:42,730 - [girl] What's a demonstration? - Well, in this case, 492 00:24:42,814 --> 00:24:46,734 it's when students show how much they don't know by repeating it loudly. 493 00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:50,070 [protesters chanting] Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! 494 00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:53,199 Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! 495 00:24:53,241 --> 00:24:55,117 Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! 496 00:24:55,202 --> 00:24:56,952 Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! 497 00:24:57,037 --> 00:24:58,579 Peace, yes, recruiters, no! 498 00:24:58,663 --> 00:25:01,916 [Malone] There is nothing more important than stopping war! 499 00:25:01,958 --> 00:25:04,502 No more wars! No more wars! 500 00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:08,172 Because instead of fighting, we should talk to our enemies! 501 00:25:08,256 --> 00:25:10,132 Talk, don't fight! Talk, don't fight! 502 00:25:10,217 --> 00:25:14,803 Right! Right! Don't believe the government lies! 503 00:25:14,888 --> 00:25:17,348 Don't believe lies! Don't believe lies! 504 00:25:17,432 --> 00:25:20,684 Good... good. That's good chanting. Good. 505 00:25:20,769 --> 00:25:24,605 There is no terrorist threat! The government just wants to... 506 00:25:24,689 --> 00:25:27,316 The government just wants! The government just wants! 507 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:31,153 That doesn't make any sense. Please hang on a second. Please, OK? 508 00:25:31,238 --> 00:25:32,404 [chanting stops] 509 00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:35,115 The government is exaggerating the terrorist threat 510 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:36,992 for its own nefarious purposes! 511 00:25:37,077 --> 00:25:40,704 What does nefarious mean? What does nefarious mean? 512 00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:44,250 Well, you know, it means... just hang on a second. 513 00:25:44,292 --> 00:25:47,127 Can we just stop chanting, please? 514 00:25:47,170 --> 00:25:50,297 - Stop, don't chant! Stop, don't... - Will you shut up?! 515 00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:52,508 Just shut up for a second! 516 00:25:52,592 --> 00:25:57,304 OK, uh... can we just try to listen for a minute 517 00:25:57,389 --> 00:25:58,847 without the chanting? 518 00:25:58,932 --> 00:26:01,183 OK, we have to stop... 519 00:26:01,268 --> 00:26:03,727 Hey! Free history term papers! 520 00:26:03,812 --> 00:26:05,104 - [shouting] - Whoa! 521 00:26:05,146 --> 00:26:06,814 Oh! 522 00:26:10,151 --> 00:26:11,527 Ooh! 523 00:26:15,824 --> 00:26:17,199 Ooh, thanks a lot. 524 00:26:17,284 --> 00:26:18,659 That got a little wild. 525 00:26:20,912 --> 00:26:24,873 Hey, who are you? Army recruitin' senior citizens? 526 00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:26,417 Aah! Hey! 527 00:26:26,501 --> 00:26:31,797 That's "Hey, sir", maggot. I am General George S. Patton. 528 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,507 That explains the slapping. 529 00:26:33,550 --> 00:26:36,218 You're General George Patton, from the movie? 530 00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:42,141 No. From the United States Army, back when this country was winning wars. 531 00:26:42,183 --> 00:26:45,185 Oh, my God, JFK. 532 00:26:45,270 --> 00:26:50,065 "You will be visited by three..." Aah! Hey! What's with all the slapping? 533 00:26:50,150 --> 00:26:52,568 It's my trademark. 534 00:26:52,652 --> 00:26:55,654 Well, maybe you ought to try a baseball cap. 535 00:26:55,697 --> 00:26:57,239 [protesters] No more war! 536 00:26:57,324 --> 00:26:58,907 No more war! 537 00:26:58,992 --> 00:27:00,284 No more war! 538 00:27:00,368 --> 00:27:03,037 - Hey, where am I? - No more war! 539 00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:05,289 We pledge ourselves! 540 00:27:05,373 --> 00:27:09,627 We will not support the United States in any war! 541 00:27:09,711 --> 00:27:11,712 Right on, sister. 542 00:27:11,755 --> 00:27:15,090 - So, what's goin' on here? - Damn peace demonstration. 543 00:27:15,175 --> 00:27:18,802 Just like yours, only this is 1940. They don't want us to fight Hitler. 544 00:27:18,887 --> 00:27:21,555 - So they can't see us. - Right. 545 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,140 Hmm. Aah! 546 00:27:23,224 --> 00:27:25,225 This is gonna be harder than I thought. 547 00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:27,436 I'm startin' to notice a pattern here. 548 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:30,856 - Anyway, this never happened! - This absolutely happened. 549 00:27:30,899 --> 00:27:35,152 Well, they're pacifists. They understand war doesn't solve problems. 550 00:27:35,236 --> 00:27:38,364 The only way is to sign agreements like civilized people, 551 00:27:38,406 --> 00:27:42,326 - not like sadistic movie generals. - That general you saw was an actor! 552 00:27:42,410 --> 00:27:44,912 I'll show you what the real Patton was up against! 553 00:27:48,249 --> 00:27:51,418 OK, where are we now? Who's the guy dressed as a butler? 554 00:27:51,461 --> 00:27:53,462 Germany, September, 1938. 555 00:27:53,546 --> 00:27:57,132 That's Neville Chamberlain, weak-assed prime minister of England. 556 00:27:57,217 --> 00:28:00,010 Shh. He's gettin' a signed agreement. 557 00:28:00,095 --> 00:28:03,389 [Chamberlain] Right. This gives you all the Sudetenland, 558 00:28:03,431 --> 00:28:06,350 Austria, and a couple countries I can't pronounce. 559 00:28:06,434 --> 00:28:08,310 And we'll throw in Czechoslovakia. 560 00:28:08,395 --> 00:28:11,772 So that's C A, no. T... Oh! 561 00:28:11,815 --> 00:28:13,273 Let's make it Poland. 562 00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:16,151 The important thing is we now have hope. 563 00:28:16,236 --> 00:28:19,029 See? He stands for what's important. 564 00:28:19,114 --> 00:28:21,240 Does that look like standing to you? 565 00:28:22,283 --> 00:28:25,244 - There. How's that? - You missed a spot. 566 00:28:25,286 --> 00:28:28,831 [Patton] Hey! Don't you see these guys are playin' you for a fool? 567 00:28:28,915 --> 00:28:29,957 [whistling] 568 00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:33,669 - War is not the answer. - [Patton] You wimpy little bastard! 569 00:28:33,753 --> 00:28:36,547 You're givin' this Nazi everything and gettin' nothin' in return! 570 00:28:36,631 --> 00:28:39,007 Not nothing. We get peace. 571 00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:42,469 ♪ Kumbaya, my lord 572 00:28:42,512 --> 00:28:45,973 - ♪ Kumbaya - And a damn fine cup of tea. 573 00:28:46,558 --> 00:28:49,351 Und we'll name a concentration camp after you. 574 00:28:49,436 --> 00:28:52,396 Think of it... Camp Auschwitz Chamberlain. 575 00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:53,522 Lovely. 576 00:28:55,024 --> 00:28:56,483 Hang on. I'm good at this. 577 00:28:56,526 --> 00:28:58,485 Mr. Herr President, 578 00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:01,739 obviously America's done something wrong to make you 579 00:29:01,823 --> 00:29:04,283 want to invade these countries and kill innocent people. 580 00:29:04,325 --> 00:29:08,162 - I'm just as frustrated as you. - Excuse me, Fuhrer... 581 00:29:08,246 --> 00:29:10,497 - ♪ You're a grand old flag.. - May I have a word? 582 00:29:10,540 --> 00:29:14,418 Hang on. America keeps doing things to piss off the rest of the world. 583 00:29:14,502 --> 00:29:15,794 We bring it on ourselves. 584 00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:19,089 What do we do to address your understandable grievances? 585 00:29:19,174 --> 00:29:21,049 How about carbon emission credits? 586 00:29:21,134 --> 00:29:23,594 That'll offset your need to invade France... 587 00:29:23,678 --> 00:29:24,970 Aah! 588 00:29:25,013 --> 00:29:27,097 [soldiers] I don't know, but I been told, 589 00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:29,099 kill some Jews and take their gold. 590 00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:33,145 Third floor. Right. Sorry. 591 00:29:33,188 --> 00:29:36,273 They really should add flying to the things we can do. 592 00:29:36,357 --> 00:29:40,194 My point is talking to evil dictators gets you nothing. 593 00:29:40,278 --> 00:29:42,196 You know one thing they understand? 594 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:44,782 I'm guessing some sort of physical violence. 595 00:29:44,866 --> 00:29:48,202 - Strength. That's the only thing. - Right. I'll remember that. 596 00:29:48,244 --> 00:29:50,871 Is there anything you think is worth fighting for? 597 00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:54,792 Well, I'd kill to do a feature. Now, can we please just go home? 598 00:29:54,876 --> 00:29:58,378 Sure thing. Right home. Cigar? 599 00:29:58,421 --> 00:30:02,049 And support the imperialist big business tobacco lobby? Never. 600 00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:03,175 It's Cuban. 601 00:30:03,218 --> 00:30:07,221 Hmm... I guess I can make an exception. 602 00:30:07,305 --> 00:30:11,058 Ah! Takes me back. 603 00:30:11,142 --> 00:30:12,392 What the hell is this? 604 00:30:12,435 --> 00:30:16,104 - Your home. Maloneville, Alabama. - I live in Alabama? 605 00:30:16,189 --> 00:30:19,858 Didn't you hear? Around 1860, all the good jobs started to move south. 606 00:30:19,901 --> 00:30:22,027 - After the Civil War? - There was no war. 607 00:30:22,070 --> 00:30:24,571 Lincoln agreed with you. War was not the answer. 608 00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:27,449 - Saved 600,000 American lives. - Well, that's good. 609 00:30:27,534 --> 00:30:29,868 Good move for the economy here, too. 610 00:30:29,911 --> 00:30:32,371 - What? Why? - Cheap labor. 611 00:30:32,413 --> 00:30:35,207 Mass'a Malone! Mass'a Malone! 612 00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:37,918 I had the boys polish your trophies like you told us. 613 00:30:37,961 --> 00:30:39,419 Polish my trophies? 614 00:30:39,504 --> 00:30:41,755 I ain't know they gave awards for a documentary. 615 00:30:41,798 --> 00:30:45,259 You know, for your information... Wait! Who are these people? 616 00:30:45,343 --> 00:30:47,803 You're the biggest slave owner in the state. 617 00:30:47,887 --> 00:30:50,013 Mass'a Malone, you ain't recognized me? 618 00:30:50,098 --> 00:30:51,223 I's Rastus. 619 00:30:51,266 --> 00:30:54,101 What? Oh, this can't be happening. 620 00:30:55,144 --> 00:30:56,770 Hey, isn't that... 621 00:30:58,106 --> 00:31:00,148 Yeah, that's him, all right. 622 00:31:00,233 --> 00:31:02,317 Don't you worry, mass'a Malone. 623 00:31:02,402 --> 00:31:05,070 We got them bacon stains out of the upholstery. 624 00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:08,282 It's a good thing ol' Mr. Lincoln never fought no wars. 625 00:31:08,366 --> 00:31:13,328 Oh... look, uh, Rastus, you know this isn't real, right? 626 00:31:13,413 --> 00:31:16,790 Whatever you say, mass'a. Whatever you say, I guess this old ni... 627 00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:18,667 No! Don't! Stop! Don't say that. 628 00:31:18,751 --> 00:31:21,169 Mass'a Malone! Mass'a Malone! Good news! 629 00:31:21,254 --> 00:31:24,882 Productivity is through the roof since you sold Daddy and the old folks! 630 00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:27,050 Now we can buy us about 20 new bucks 631 00:31:27,135 --> 00:31:28,969 and start pickin' some cotton! 632 00:31:29,012 --> 00:31:31,805 [men, singing in harmony] ♪ The trouble I've seen... 633 00:31:31,848 --> 00:31:35,267 Rastus, tell me, how does old mass'a Malone treat his slaves? 634 00:31:35,310 --> 00:31:37,811 Mass'a Malone is the bestest, 635 00:31:37,854 --> 00:31:41,023 most kindliest mass'a a slave could have. 636 00:31:41,107 --> 00:31:43,817 Oh, he don't beat us unless we awful bad. 637 00:31:43,860 --> 00:31:46,987 And he don't sell the li'l children until they 6 months old. 638 00:31:47,030 --> 00:31:49,031 No, no, no! I... 639 00:31:49,115 --> 00:31:53,827 Mass'a, don't beat me! I ain't healed from the beatin' you gave me yesterday! 640 00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:56,747 No, I wasn't gonna be... Can you make them stop? 641 00:31:56,831 --> 00:31:58,040 Look, here, y'all! 642 00:31:58,124 --> 00:32:01,627 Mass'a don't want to hear slave shit! Kick somethin' into 4/4! 643 00:32:01,669 --> 00:32:02,711 [man] 1, 2, 3, 4. 644 00:32:02,795 --> 00:32:05,505 ♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila 645 00:32:05,548 --> 00:32:09,009 ♪ Hava nagila ve nis'mecha 646 00:32:09,052 --> 00:32:12,429 ♪ Hava nagila, we are so happy 647 00:32:12,513 --> 00:32:15,307 ♪ That mass'a owns us He is the best, yeah! 648 00:32:15,350 --> 00:32:17,184 I gotta get out of here! 649 00:32:17,268 --> 00:32:20,354 All right, mass'a leavin'. Everybody wave goodbye. 650 00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:23,857 - Hope you can buy some more of us. - We sure could use a baritone. 651 00:32:23,900 --> 00:32:25,484 - Huh? - [girl] Bye, Daddy. 652 00:32:25,526 --> 00:32:27,653 - [Malone screams] - [boy] Bye, Daddy! 653 00:32:27,695 --> 00:32:30,072 - [girl 2] Bye, Daddy! - [girl 3] Bye, Daddy! 654 00:32:30,156 --> 00:32:31,323 [screaming] 655 00:32:31,366 --> 00:32:34,743 - Aw, that was sick. - Not as sick as slavery. 656 00:32:36,871 --> 00:32:40,624 Lincoln is revered now for fighting that war. 657 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,168 Hey, you would know. 658 00:32:43,211 --> 00:32:46,463 - Those rumors about Lincoln bein' gay. - [cell phone ringing] 659 00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,173 Why don't I just shoot you now? 660 00:32:48,216 --> 00:32:50,175 Well, maybe he just had a wide stance. 661 00:32:50,218 --> 00:32:52,052 Hang on. I gotta take this. Hello! 662 00:32:52,136 --> 00:32:53,762 Michael? Where are you? 663 00:32:53,846 --> 00:32:57,557 - Oh, I'm in, uh, D.C. - Yeah, right. Wherever you are, 664 00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:00,227 you're supposed to be at Columbia in the morning. 665 00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:01,687 I know. Of course. 666 00:33:01,729 --> 00:33:04,064 - [phone beeps] - Jane... Hello? Hello? Jane? 667 00:33:04,107 --> 00:33:06,525 [off-the-hook signal] 668 00:33:06,567 --> 00:33:09,945 - Damn cell phones. - Here. Use mine. 669 00:33:11,739 --> 00:33:14,199 But do your minutes roll over to the next month? 670 00:33:14,242 --> 00:33:15,242 Course they do. 671 00:33:15,326 --> 00:33:18,745 - But do you get unlimited texting? - You think I was born yesterday? 672 00:33:18,788 --> 00:33:20,205 [students conversing] 673 00:33:20,248 --> 00:33:21,581 [door opens] 674 00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:22,874 Your people. 675 00:33:22,917 --> 00:33:24,501 Yep, the students love me. 676 00:33:24,585 --> 00:33:26,461 Love you? They don't even know you. 677 00:33:26,546 --> 00:33:27,796 You're unique. 678 00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,090 A liberal director who can't even get laid 679 00:33:30,174 --> 00:33:32,843 at the University Peace Studies Department. 680 00:33:32,927 --> 00:33:36,013 - They flock to my movies. - They flock to slasher movies. 681 00:33:36,097 --> 00:33:38,765 They go to your movies 'cause professors tell them to. 682 00:33:38,808 --> 00:33:42,227 This is where they get information to support the peace movement. 683 00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:45,439 - It's called education. - It's called indoctrination. 684 00:33:45,523 --> 00:33:49,359 The American flag is a symbol of oppression all over the world. 685 00:33:49,444 --> 00:33:51,570 July 4th is a despicable celebration. 686 00:33:51,612 --> 00:33:54,531 I know that look. You're gonna try to teach me somethin'. 687 00:33:54,615 --> 00:33:56,908 Where we gonna go now, back in time? 688 00:33:56,951 --> 00:33:59,453 We don't have to. We're at a university. 689 00:33:59,537 --> 00:34:00,954 [pitch pipe plays note] 690 00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:03,790 ♪ Nothing has changed 691 00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:07,294 ♪ We still think the same way 692 00:34:07,378 --> 00:34:10,630 ♪ And if you think the way we do 693 00:34:10,673 --> 00:34:13,675 ♪ We'll give you an A 694 00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:16,511 ♪ And you get extra credit 695 00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:20,182 ♪ If you're poor, black, or gay 696 00:34:20,266 --> 00:34:24,436 ♪ Just be sure not to pray 697 00:34:24,479 --> 00:34:27,856 ♪ Yes, everything's the same 698 00:34:27,940 --> 00:34:28,940 Mmm! 699 00:34:28,983 --> 00:34:30,150 - [slap] - Aah! 700 00:34:30,234 --> 00:34:32,027 [man] Two, three, four. 701 00:34:32,111 --> 00:34:34,654 ♪ The president's stupid our soldiers are thugs 702 00:34:34,739 --> 00:34:36,615 ♪ The government's dirty 703 00:34:36,657 --> 00:34:38,158 ♪ Our cops are on drugs 704 00:34:38,201 --> 00:34:41,286 ♪ But we still like our co-eds with blond hair and jugs 705 00:34:41,329 --> 00:34:44,831 ♪ And America's to blame 706 00:34:44,916 --> 00:34:48,335 ♪ Just like in 1968 707 00:34:48,377 --> 00:34:50,587 - Are you kidding? A musical number? - ♪ 1968 708 00:34:50,671 --> 00:34:52,172 A little entertainment. 709 00:34:52,215 --> 00:34:54,549 ♪ We were smart We let something depart.. 710 00:34:54,634 --> 00:34:56,384 What kind of a soldier are you? 711 00:34:56,469 --> 00:34:58,845 Startin' to understand the boots and the whip. 712 00:34:58,888 --> 00:35:02,140 ♪ 1968, things were really great 713 00:35:02,183 --> 00:35:04,017 ♪ I used to ovulate 714 00:35:04,060 --> 00:35:07,437 ♪ You gotta love 1968 715 00:35:07,522 --> 00:35:09,856 Hey, what are you doin' with our kids? 716 00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:10,941 ♪ ...in the moon 717 00:35:11,025 --> 00:35:14,069 ♪ And so what if there are facts That we forget to include? 718 00:35:14,153 --> 00:35:17,114 ♪ We've already got tenure So your children are screwed 719 00:35:17,198 --> 00:35:20,659 ♪ To a college with half a brain Nothin's changed 720 00:35:20,701 --> 00:35:23,036 What do your parents think you're doin' here? 721 00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:25,539 They're just happy to have us out of the house. 722 00:35:25,581 --> 00:35:28,583 Wanna hear what you're spending your life savings on? 723 00:35:28,668 --> 00:35:31,545 - I gave up an ass lift for this? - Take a look! 724 00:35:31,629 --> 00:35:34,381 ♪ America's evil, it's a fascist regime 725 00:35:34,423 --> 00:35:37,759 ♪ Take over the world It's the American dream 726 00:35:37,844 --> 00:35:40,554 ♪ And pay no attention to the being supreme 727 00:35:40,596 --> 00:35:46,226 [Malone] ♪ He doesn't matter Anymore 728 00:35:49,021 --> 00:35:50,063 Oh. 729 00:35:50,106 --> 00:35:53,191 ♪ Just like in 1968 730 00:35:54,569 --> 00:35:56,236 ♪ 1968 731 00:35:57,530 --> 00:36:00,490 ♪ 1968 732 00:36:00,575 --> 00:36:02,450 ♪ 1968 733 00:36:02,535 --> 00:36:03,743 ♪ Come on to 19 734 00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:05,537 ♪ 1968 735 00:36:05,580 --> 00:36:06,913 ♪ Let's keep singin' it 736 00:36:06,956 --> 00:36:08,957 ♪ 1968 737 00:36:09,041 --> 00:36:12,252 - So, what do you think now? - I'm still against torture. 738 00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:14,713 OK, so they're a little behind the times. 739 00:36:14,755 --> 00:36:18,258 It doesn't make it OK for you to embarrass those great professors. 740 00:36:18,301 --> 00:36:20,260 Doin' a good job of that themselves. 741 00:36:20,344 --> 00:36:22,220 They're only tryin' to bring peace. 742 00:36:22,263 --> 00:36:25,891 By indoctrinating an entire generation to hate its own country. 743 00:36:25,933 --> 00:36:27,559 Well, they teach math, too. 744 00:36:28,811 --> 00:36:32,272 When was it in your life that you went so completely wrong? 745 00:36:32,315 --> 00:36:33,899 Was it in college? 746 00:36:33,941 --> 00:36:34,983 Before that? 747 00:36:35,067 --> 00:36:36,151 Was it a girl? 748 00:36:38,404 --> 00:36:40,530 [doorbell rings] 749 00:36:40,615 --> 00:36:43,283 - Michael! - Molly! 750 00:36:46,204 --> 00:36:50,248 Molly, I'm off to save the world, but I'll be back. 751 00:36:50,291 --> 00:36:53,376 Oh, Michael, war is such a terrible thing. 752 00:36:53,461 --> 00:36:54,544 I know, Molly. 753 00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:56,796 That's why I'm going off to film school. 754 00:36:56,839 --> 00:36:58,715 Film school? 755 00:36:58,799 --> 00:37:01,551 Yes. No sacrifice too great. 756 00:37:01,636 --> 00:37:03,261 You'll wait for me of course? 757 00:37:03,304 --> 00:37:05,305 Sure. Or course. 758 00:37:05,389 --> 00:37:06,973 Take your time. 759 00:37:12,980 --> 00:37:14,648 But she didn't wait, did she? 760 00:37:14,690 --> 00:37:17,943 She tried, but I was gone so long. 761 00:37:17,985 --> 00:37:21,029 Long? You were kicked out in the first semester. 762 00:37:21,113 --> 00:37:22,280 [doorbell rings] 763 00:37:22,323 --> 00:37:23,448 [Molly] Coming! 764 00:37:28,663 --> 00:37:30,997 - Molly. - Marty! 765 00:37:37,129 --> 00:37:38,546 Oh, my God! 766 00:37:38,631 --> 00:37:41,174 This can't be happening! 767 00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:42,509 My best friend? 768 00:37:42,551 --> 00:37:45,720 We fell in love while you were gone. 769 00:37:45,805 --> 00:37:48,265 No! I mean, he's in the army! 770 00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:50,850 How terrible! You got drafted! 771 00:37:50,935 --> 00:37:52,519 No, Michael. I enlisted. 772 00:37:52,603 --> 00:37:54,187 I want to serve my country. 773 00:37:54,272 --> 00:37:57,524 How could you want to serve the corrupt American war machine? 774 00:37:57,608 --> 00:38:00,068 - Molly. - Marty. 775 00:38:00,152 --> 00:38:03,530 I just love men in uniform. 776 00:38:03,572 --> 00:38:05,949 Oh, shoot. 777 00:38:09,453 --> 00:38:12,330 You know, that uniform always worked for me, too. 778 00:38:12,373 --> 00:38:13,540 [chuckles] 779 00:38:13,624 --> 00:38:15,750 So, you remember what happened next. 780 00:38:15,835 --> 00:38:18,878 Yeah, my first film. A daring expose on something... 781 00:38:18,921 --> 00:38:20,380 She did the astronaut, too? 782 00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:22,257 And the entire crew of the shuttle. 783 00:38:24,010 --> 00:38:26,136 [♪ The Army Goes Rolling Along playing] 784 00:38:31,225 --> 00:38:33,226 [sound of record needle scratching] 785 00:38:35,104 --> 00:38:38,606 Well, general, enjoyed this cruel little side trip, thank you, 786 00:38:38,691 --> 00:38:40,817 but I have an interview in 20 minutes. 787 00:38:40,901 --> 00:38:42,777 Don't worry, kid. 788 00:38:42,862 --> 00:38:44,863 Things are gonna get a lot worse. 789 00:38:49,118 --> 00:38:54,247 The demonstration is outside the Madison Square Garden. 790 00:38:54,332 --> 00:38:58,418 We need to get into artists' entrance where there are no metal detectors. 791 00:38:58,461 --> 00:39:01,463 Well, for that, we will need all-access media passes. 792 00:39:01,547 --> 00:39:02,547 Exactly. 793 00:39:02,590 --> 00:39:05,175 You must get these from director Malone. 794 00:39:05,259 --> 00:39:07,886 He can get them. He's a documentary filmmaker. 795 00:39:07,928 --> 00:39:12,432 Wait. You got us a documentary filmmaker? 796 00:39:12,475 --> 00:39:15,602 Yes, but, leader, he gets to go everywhere 797 00:39:15,686 --> 00:39:17,729 so he can document his hate of America. 798 00:39:17,772 --> 00:39:20,940 Where would they give all-access passes to someone like that? 799 00:39:20,983 --> 00:39:22,484 - America! - America! 800 00:39:22,568 --> 00:39:23,777 [both laughing] 801 00:39:25,529 --> 00:39:28,907 - Ahmed? Mohammed? - Oh, uh, director Akbar. 802 00:39:28,949 --> 00:39:32,994 - What are you doin' here? - We are here to watch your interview. 803 00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:36,289 - [Mohammed] And talk about the movie. - [Malone] Oh, yeah. 804 00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:38,083 Who's Mister Happy? 805 00:39:38,125 --> 00:39:41,211 Oh, him? Aziz is an actor. 806 00:39:42,463 --> 00:39:45,632 Well, he's also our contact to the foreign investors. 807 00:39:45,674 --> 00:39:49,302 Oh... [laughs] Aziz, my man. Wonderful to meet you. 808 00:39:49,345 --> 00:39:53,723 You know, for financing a movie, you can get an associate producer credit. Huh? 809 00:39:53,808 --> 00:39:57,477 Oh, holdin' out for executive producer. Too clever for me. 810 00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:59,646 You must have been killer sellin' rugs. 811 00:39:59,688 --> 00:40:01,106 OK, we'll negotiate. 812 00:40:01,148 --> 00:40:03,358 How about joinin' me for the interview? 813 00:40:03,442 --> 00:40:07,654 - No, no, no, he can't be on TV. - I am here illegally. 814 00:40:07,696 --> 00:40:10,365 Mohammed and Ahmed have visas, but I could not. 815 00:40:10,449 --> 00:40:12,158 Yes, he was on some kind of list. 816 00:40:14,703 --> 00:40:18,123 [Aziz] I came through Mexico... with some friends. 817 00:40:18,165 --> 00:40:19,290 Great, great. 818 00:40:19,333 --> 00:40:21,209 Good thing that fence isn't up yet. 819 00:40:21,293 --> 00:40:23,503 This country was built by immigrants. 820 00:40:23,546 --> 00:40:26,756 No matter. We'll get you a nice cameo in the movie. 821 00:40:26,841 --> 00:40:29,926 Have to shave, though. You look like a terrorist. 822 00:40:30,010 --> 00:40:31,428 [Malone laughing] 823 00:40:31,512 --> 00:40:32,929 [laughing] 824 00:40:34,849 --> 00:40:36,766 [screams, imitates explosion] 825 00:40:36,851 --> 00:40:38,601 Aah! Help me! I'm on fire! 826 00:40:38,686 --> 00:40:40,270 Aah! Bam! 827 00:40:40,354 --> 00:40:41,563 Hey, a bomb went off! 828 00:40:41,647 --> 00:40:43,064 [laughing] 829 00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:47,735 So what's the next step? Financing in place? 830 00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:48,820 Yes. 831 00:40:48,863 --> 00:40:50,905 But before the money is committed, 832 00:40:50,990 --> 00:40:53,366 I'll need media passes to your demonstration. 833 00:40:53,409 --> 00:40:54,451 Media passes? 834 00:40:54,535 --> 00:40:57,912 Well, uh, he wants to hear the great director speak. 835 00:40:58,038 --> 00:41:01,875 Oh, yes, all right. We can arrange that. 836 00:41:01,917 --> 00:41:05,420 Be good to have you there, show that everybody's against violence. 837 00:41:05,504 --> 00:41:08,631 - Especially jihadists. - [elevator bell rings] 838 00:41:10,801 --> 00:41:11,801 What? 839 00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:14,220 We need to treat all cultures equally. 840 00:41:14,263 --> 00:41:16,890 Everyone is equal. 841 00:41:16,974 --> 00:41:20,518 Oh, damn. A thread. Right before the interview. 842 00:41:20,561 --> 00:41:21,895 Allow me. 843 00:41:26,066 --> 00:41:27,984 Oh, thanks there, Ali Baba. 844 00:41:30,321 --> 00:41:32,864 Hi. I'm Bill O'Reilly. Thanks for watching. 845 00:41:32,907 --> 00:41:35,783 Tonight's special segment is July 4th. 846 00:41:35,868 --> 00:41:39,287 Now, most folks will be celebrating by going to a barbecue, 847 00:41:39,371 --> 00:41:41,414 a parade, or here in New York City, 848 00:41:41,457 --> 00:41:45,710 to a Madison Square Garden country music concert for the troops. 849 00:41:45,753 --> 00:41:48,588 But my guests tonight have different plans. 850 00:41:48,672 --> 00:41:51,174 Michael Malone is planning a demonstration 851 00:41:51,258 --> 00:41:54,552 - to abolish the Fourth of July. - Hi, Bill. 852 00:41:54,595 --> 00:41:58,806 And there are always fireworks with TV personality Rosie O'Connell. 853 00:41:58,891 --> 00:42:00,058 Good to be here, Bill. 854 00:42:00,100 --> 00:42:03,895 Rosie's gonna show us a clip from her documentary, but first, Mr. Malone, 855 00:42:03,938 --> 00:42:07,482 you're demonstrating against the troops on Independence Day? 856 00:42:07,566 --> 00:42:08,608 Come on. 857 00:42:08,692 --> 00:42:11,110 It's not against the troops. It's against... 858 00:42:11,153 --> 00:42:14,864 Look, we support the troops. We just don't want them to kill anyone. 859 00:42:14,949 --> 00:42:17,617 What? Don't you realize that these troops 860 00:42:17,701 --> 00:42:21,412 are the only ones standing between radical Islam and innocent people? 861 00:42:21,455 --> 00:42:22,789 Bill, there you go. 862 00:42:22,831 --> 00:42:25,416 You think all terrorists are radical Islamists. 863 00:42:25,459 --> 00:42:26,709 That's profiling. 864 00:42:26,794 --> 00:42:30,046 Radical Christianity is as threatening as radical Islam. 865 00:42:30,130 --> 00:42:32,840 - I don't think she means... - It's exactly what I mean! 866 00:42:32,925 --> 00:42:34,050 You can't be serious. 867 00:42:34,134 --> 00:42:37,554 I'm serious and Michael agrees with me. Let's roll the clip. 868 00:42:37,638 --> 00:42:39,514 All right, roll it. 869 00:42:39,598 --> 00:42:42,475 [announcer] The civilized world braces itself 870 00:42:42,518 --> 00:42:45,186 for an onslaught of death and destruction 871 00:42:45,271 --> 00:42:47,564 brought on by radical Christians 872 00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:51,859 as they attempt to spread their ideology through terror throughout the world. 873 00:43:00,077 --> 00:43:01,452 Praise Jesus! 874 00:43:03,497 --> 00:43:05,206 Hail Mary full of grace! 875 00:43:05,291 --> 00:43:08,126 Look out! It's those Christians! 876 00:43:08,168 --> 00:43:10,962 72 virgins, here I come! 877 00:43:11,005 --> 00:43:12,672 [announcer] We all pay the price 878 00:43:12,715 --> 00:43:16,092 for the increased security needs caused by the actions 879 00:43:16,176 --> 00:43:17,510 of radical Christians 880 00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:20,138 I hate having to take these off every time. 881 00:43:20,180 --> 00:43:22,807 Yeah. Ever since that Christian hid explosives 882 00:43:22,850 --> 00:43:24,225 in the bottom of his shoes. 883 00:43:24,310 --> 00:43:27,020 You can't take this on. I'll have to confiscate it. 884 00:43:27,104 --> 00:43:28,104 Toothpaste? 885 00:43:28,188 --> 00:43:31,024 No liquids since the Christians tried to bomb that plane 886 00:43:31,066 --> 00:43:34,152 with smuggled nitroglycerine and let me take this as well. 887 00:43:34,194 --> 00:43:35,194 [baby crying] 888 00:43:35,279 --> 00:43:38,948 - [man] Please remove all underclothing. - Oh, brother. 889 00:43:39,033 --> 00:43:42,577 - Ever since the underwear bomber. - The Christian underwear bomber. 890 00:43:42,661 --> 00:43:46,039 [man on PA] All items of underclothing must be placed in the trays. 891 00:43:46,123 --> 00:43:47,373 Damn those Christians. 892 00:43:47,416 --> 00:43:49,751 - Yipes! - My God! 893 00:43:49,835 --> 00:43:53,129 If you add extra bleach, you might get those stains out. 894 00:43:53,213 --> 00:43:55,423 - Hey! - Have you considered a change in diet? 895 00:43:55,507 --> 00:43:57,800 - What? - Honey? Wouldn't hurt. 896 00:43:57,885 --> 00:43:59,302 [man grunting and moaning] 897 00:44:00,596 --> 00:44:02,639 Ever since the suppository bomber... 898 00:44:02,723 --> 00:44:04,891 The Episcopal suppository bomber. 899 00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,813 That's not a documentary. That's The Flintstones. 900 00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:14,692 Bill, using reenactments to prove points is a sign of a great documentary. 901 00:44:14,735 --> 00:44:16,569 That's what we do. Right, Michael? 902 00:44:16,612 --> 00:44:20,073 Bill, you wouldn't get that, because you're a close-minded bigot! 903 00:44:20,115 --> 00:44:23,868 Actually, Rosie, I'm thinkin' your masterpiece may win some awards. 904 00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:27,330 Let's start it off with enshrining you in the Pinhead Hall of Fame. 905 00:44:27,414 --> 00:44:28,581 Keep it up, Bill. 906 00:44:28,624 --> 00:44:31,292 We wouldn't be at war at all if we didn't overreact 907 00:44:31,377 --> 00:44:32,877 to that phony 9/11 attack. 908 00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:35,713 [O'Reilly] You can't be serious. I rest my case. 909 00:44:35,756 --> 00:44:38,341 Can we talk about the Anti-War demonstration? 910 00:44:38,425 --> 00:44:41,719 You think those towers were brought down by planes? No, explosives. 911 00:44:41,762 --> 00:44:44,889 - Malone. - That's simply idiotic. No sane... 912 00:44:44,932 --> 00:44:47,350 It's the first time fire ever melted steel! 913 00:44:47,434 --> 00:44:50,895 Rosie, I've heard that claim. It's only made by complete morons. 914 00:44:50,938 --> 00:44:52,814 Now, Bill, our demonstration... 915 00:44:52,898 --> 00:44:55,942 Don't call me names. We weren't even invaded by a nation! 916 00:44:55,984 --> 00:44:57,443 She's a little far out. 917 00:44:57,486 --> 00:44:59,529 Here's a news flash for you, Malone. 918 00:44:59,613 --> 00:45:02,156 Your movies may not be as crazy as Rosie's, 919 00:45:02,241 --> 00:45:06,327 but yours are more dangerous because some idiots believe what you say. 920 00:45:06,412 --> 00:45:07,787 Because I tell the truth! 921 00:45:07,830 --> 00:45:10,540 Because you tell the audience what it wants to hear. 922 00:45:10,624 --> 00:45:12,291 At least nobody believes Rosie. 923 00:45:12,334 --> 00:45:15,086 You didn't even believe that Elvis is still alive. 924 00:45:15,170 --> 00:45:17,255 or that we never landed on the Moon. 925 00:45:17,297 --> 00:45:20,758 I'm gonna take both and put 'em into my next documentary. 926 00:45:20,801 --> 00:45:24,470 Well, that concludes this look at the moderate left. 927 00:45:24,513 --> 00:45:28,182 Next week, we'll be looking at the crazies who populate the fringe. 928 00:45:32,104 --> 00:45:33,187 [woman] Mr. Malone? 929 00:45:33,272 --> 00:45:35,523 Mr. Malone? 930 00:45:35,607 --> 00:45:36,774 Mr. Malone? 931 00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:38,484 [boy] Grandpa? Grandpa! 932 00:45:38,569 --> 00:45:39,652 What? 933 00:45:39,695 --> 00:45:41,154 A Mr. Mohammed called. 934 00:45:41,196 --> 00:45:43,531 Something about not being late for rehearsal? 935 00:45:43,615 --> 00:45:45,491 Heather, I still have plenty of... 936 00:45:45,534 --> 00:45:46,576 A rehearsal?! 937 00:45:46,660 --> 00:45:49,078 How could you be part of the evil military 938 00:45:49,163 --> 00:45:52,415 and kill my brothers and sisters who are defending their country? 939 00:45:52,499 --> 00:45:56,836 Yusef, there are no straight men left. Girls like me have to join the army. 940 00:45:56,879 --> 00:45:58,671 Yes, that's why I joined. 941 00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:01,174 She reads the lines with such conviction. 942 00:46:01,258 --> 00:46:04,719 Yes. This is so much better than building pipe bombs. 943 00:46:04,803 --> 00:46:06,012 What are you doing? 944 00:46:06,096 --> 00:46:08,723 W had to start rehearsals. We have no time to waste. 945 00:46:08,807 --> 00:46:10,433 - But we haven't even... - Shh! 946 00:46:10,517 --> 00:46:14,061 Say no to the army, run away to France where they have real men. 947 00:46:14,146 --> 00:46:16,522 No. The recruiters kidnap us off the street, 948 00:46:16,607 --> 00:46:19,567 talk to us for hours until we finally agree to sign up. 949 00:46:19,651 --> 00:46:20,818 Like Scientology. 950 00:46:20,861 --> 00:46:23,863 I'll ask the great leader Osama for us to stay together. 951 00:46:23,947 --> 00:46:25,531 - I didn't write that. - Shh! 952 00:46:25,574 --> 00:46:28,284 - [man] To stay together. - Please. Director Akbar! 953 00:46:28,368 --> 00:46:30,411 - Huh? - For us to stay together... 954 00:46:30,496 --> 00:46:32,747 [man] Is this a real sword? 955 00:46:32,831 --> 00:46:34,040 [man 2] Yes. Be careful. 956 00:46:34,124 --> 00:46:36,042 - [man screams] - [Malone] Oh, my God. 957 00:46:36,084 --> 00:46:38,211 I will ask the great leader Osama. 958 00:46:38,295 --> 00:46:40,838 She's an infidel. Cut off her head. 959 00:46:40,881 --> 00:46:43,966 - Aah! - And cut off her balls, too! 960 00:46:44,051 --> 00:46:46,677 - Yaah! Come back here! - No! Not me! Kill her! 961 00:46:46,720 --> 00:46:48,930 - Death to the uncircumcised! - Asshole! 962 00:46:49,014 --> 00:46:51,349 - This sword is heavy! - Just one second. 963 00:46:51,391 --> 00:46:52,600 Give him more lines. 964 00:46:52,684 --> 00:46:55,436 - Hey, isn't that...? - Yes, actor Akbar. 965 00:46:55,521 --> 00:46:57,146 Revered by all Americans. 966 00:46:57,231 --> 00:47:01,776 This isn't that kind of movie. This is serious, for adults. Not entertainment. 967 00:47:01,860 --> 00:47:04,695 - He will be hard to replace. - There is no replacing! 968 00:47:04,738 --> 00:47:08,366 This is about militants being held at Guantanamo without a lawyer! 969 00:47:08,408 --> 00:47:10,785 Meryl Streep already did that! 970 00:47:10,869 --> 00:47:13,913 What about the Marine who rapes and murders an Iraqi family? 971 00:47:13,997 --> 00:47:15,790 Brian De Palma, straight to video. 972 00:47:15,874 --> 00:47:18,292 - [clanging] - Lawyer who fights wiretapping. 973 00:47:18,377 --> 00:47:19,377 Robert Redford. 974 00:47:19,419 --> 00:47:21,420 Soldier who's forced to go back to Iraq! 975 00:47:21,463 --> 00:47:23,673 - Has an Oscar buzz. - I want to see that! 976 00:47:23,757 --> 00:47:26,050 - We'll see it Friday. - It's a date. 977 00:47:26,093 --> 00:47:27,385 [groaning] 978 00:47:27,427 --> 00:47:30,972 I know. All the really great anti-American films have been done. 979 00:47:31,056 --> 00:47:33,599 No way we can compete with Hollywood studios. 980 00:47:33,642 --> 00:47:36,102 [man] Michael Malone? What are you doing here? 981 00:47:36,144 --> 00:47:40,439 - I'm directing this picture. - What? I don't do documentaries. 982 00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:43,943 - Malone! We're under attack! - [Malone] Now what? 983 00:47:46,989 --> 00:47:49,615 [people screaming, horns honking] 984 00:47:50,450 --> 00:47:52,660 - Come on! - Aah! 985 00:47:53,745 --> 00:47:55,288 I don't see an attack. 986 00:47:55,372 --> 00:47:58,291 - A gun? I don't... - Fine. I know. Talk, don't shoot. 987 00:47:58,333 --> 00:48:01,043 Think of that as a talkin' stick. Let's go, men! 988 00:48:01,128 --> 00:48:04,380 - [Malone] Where are we going?! - [Patton] Don't step in that! 989 00:48:07,634 --> 00:48:09,385 [Malone] What's going on?! 990 00:48:09,469 --> 00:48:12,179 Sons of bitches! Get the hell out of this courtroom! 991 00:48:12,264 --> 00:48:16,017 - Stop! You can't just shoot people! - They're not people! They're the ACLU! 992 00:48:16,101 --> 00:48:17,935 What?! You still can't... 993 00:48:17,978 --> 00:48:19,270 Oh! Aah! 994 00:48:19,313 --> 00:48:21,147 Aah! Aah! 995 00:48:24,860 --> 00:48:28,195 - Fire at will, boys! - [Malone screaming] 996 00:48:28,989 --> 00:48:31,365 - [people screaming] - What's goin' on here? 997 00:48:31,450 --> 00:48:34,118 ACLU. They come around every now and then. 998 00:48:34,161 --> 00:48:36,370 No listenin' in on terrorists' calls. 999 00:48:36,455 --> 00:48:38,956 Be nice to Al Qaeda. Read 'em their rights. 1000 00:48:38,999 --> 00:48:40,333 [lawyers grunting] 1001 00:48:40,417 --> 00:48:42,501 [judge] Separation of church and state. 1002 00:48:42,544 --> 00:48:43,753 Aah! 1003 00:48:43,837 --> 00:48:47,632 I'll tell you one thing about the undead. They are relentless. 1004 00:48:47,674 --> 00:48:48,966 Aah! 1005 00:48:49,009 --> 00:48:52,053 Gun control. That gets 'em a little riled up, too. 1006 00:48:52,137 --> 00:48:53,596 - [gunshot] - Aah! 1007 00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:56,390 I think we could use gun control right about now! 1008 00:48:56,475 --> 00:48:57,934 Tell it to them. 1009 00:48:58,018 --> 00:48:59,018 Aah! 1010 00:49:00,187 --> 00:49:01,228 Aah! 1011 00:49:01,313 --> 00:49:02,813 Try it. It's fun. 1012 00:49:02,856 --> 00:49:04,607 - [gunshot] - Whoa! 1013 00:49:04,691 --> 00:49:07,276 Try not to lead 'em so much next time. 1014 00:49:07,361 --> 00:49:08,486 Aah! 1015 00:49:08,528 --> 00:49:09,695 - Aah! - Aah! 1016 00:49:10,322 --> 00:49:15,034 What we're tryin' to do here, son, is protect the Ten Commandments. 1017 00:49:15,118 --> 00:49:16,410 There's still five left. 1018 00:49:16,495 --> 00:49:20,247 Hey, judge! Is the "not killing" still up there? 1019 00:49:20,332 --> 00:49:21,540 Aw, screw it! 1020 00:49:22,542 --> 00:49:23,542 Aah! 1021 00:49:23,585 --> 00:49:26,253 - Guns are not the answer! - [gunshot] 1022 00:49:26,338 --> 00:49:29,215 - Aah! - Nice shot. 1023 00:49:29,299 --> 00:49:31,008 Oh, my God, what have I done? 1024 00:49:31,051 --> 00:49:33,511 The first one's always the best. 1025 00:49:35,681 --> 00:49:37,556 [both grunting] 1026 00:49:40,727 --> 00:49:42,561 OK, OK, give me that thing. 1027 00:49:42,646 --> 00:49:43,688 Aah! 1028 00:49:44,731 --> 00:49:45,898 Ooh! 1029 00:49:45,941 --> 00:49:47,483 I bet they heard that. 1030 00:49:47,567 --> 00:49:50,736 Come on! They're on the subway! 1031 00:49:50,779 --> 00:49:52,405 Godspeed, General! 1032 00:50:01,748 --> 00:50:03,624 I'll need to see your bag, please. 1033 00:50:07,796 --> 00:50:09,422 [grunting] 1034 00:50:11,091 --> 00:50:13,175 This says we can't search their bags. 1035 00:50:13,260 --> 00:50:15,469 [grunting] 1036 00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:20,474 Thank Allah for the ACLU. 1037 00:50:20,559 --> 00:50:23,769 Now you are going to see the glory of jihad. 1038 00:50:23,854 --> 00:50:26,564 They're going to fly a subway into a building? 1039 00:50:29,026 --> 00:50:30,234 [gunshots] 1040 00:50:30,277 --> 00:50:33,738 Subway into a building... hmm. 1041 00:50:33,780 --> 00:50:37,450 Well, now you've gone too far! You're against privacy rights, too? 1042 00:50:37,534 --> 00:50:40,119 Only when they interfere with survival rights. 1043 00:50:46,376 --> 00:50:48,836 Enjoy your privacy rights in hell. 1044 00:50:52,174 --> 00:50:55,092 The Patriot Act is spoiling everything. 1045 00:50:55,135 --> 00:50:57,470 I can't believe I lent Fayed my backpack. 1046 00:50:57,512 --> 00:50:58,554 Aah! 1047 00:50:59,639 --> 00:51:01,307 - [clanging] - [screaming] 1048 00:51:01,349 --> 00:51:04,393 Sir, we are ready to do our duty. 1049 00:51:04,478 --> 00:51:07,354 Your job is to pick up the three all-access media passes 1050 00:51:07,439 --> 00:51:09,482 from the infidel director. 1051 00:51:09,566 --> 00:51:12,985 As America watches that concert on TV, 1052 00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:15,613 they will see the power of jihad. 1053 00:51:15,655 --> 00:51:18,240 You are going to blow up Madison Square Garden? 1054 00:51:18,325 --> 00:51:19,700 When that roof collapses 1055 00:51:19,785 --> 00:51:22,495 on 20,000 American soldiers and their families, 1056 00:51:22,579 --> 00:51:25,998 we will be held as martyrs throughout the Arab world. 1057 00:51:26,041 --> 00:51:28,417 But we will be dead. 1058 00:51:30,253 --> 00:51:31,545 Yes. 1059 00:51:31,630 --> 00:51:35,800 Isn't there like a remote control or a button or something? 1060 00:51:35,842 --> 00:51:39,345 Leader, we get the passes for it from the director Akbar. 1061 00:51:39,429 --> 00:51:40,513 Very good. 1062 00:51:40,555 --> 00:51:42,848 I'm gonna grab a knish. 1063 00:51:42,891 --> 00:51:44,642 Your families will be proud. 1064 00:51:48,188 --> 00:51:49,939 Is there nothing we can do? 1065 00:51:50,023 --> 00:51:53,067 Nothing. The plan is foolproof. 1066 00:52:03,036 --> 00:52:08,165 Enough already. It's not as if I'm against Santa Claus or the Boy Scouts. 1067 00:52:08,208 --> 00:52:09,375 Little tip for you. 1068 00:52:09,417 --> 00:52:11,085 Fascist uniforms, not cool. 1069 00:52:11,169 --> 00:52:13,546 - Or religion. - Or the Fourth of July? 1070 00:52:13,588 --> 00:52:16,882 Fourth of July? That reminds me. I got a demonstration. See ya. 1071 00:52:16,925 --> 00:52:18,217 [lawyers grunting] 1072 00:52:18,301 --> 00:52:19,385 You're leavin'? 1073 00:52:19,427 --> 00:52:22,054 Yep. End of the line for me, so conjure up some fog 1074 00:52:22,097 --> 00:52:25,516 - and get me the hell out of here. - Just go. This is real. 1075 00:52:25,559 --> 00:52:26,684 Are you sure? 1076 00:52:26,726 --> 00:52:28,561 That subway station was too clean. 1077 00:52:28,603 --> 00:52:29,979 Oh... unh! 1078 00:52:30,063 --> 00:52:33,232 [country music playing, people conversing] 1079 00:52:40,407 --> 00:52:41,866 That's the real America. 1080 00:52:41,908 --> 00:52:45,578 Proud to celebrate the Fourth of July, just like your own family. 1081 00:52:45,662 --> 00:52:49,248 - This is my own family. - Huh? 1082 00:52:49,291 --> 00:52:50,958 Oh, right. So it is. 1083 00:52:51,042 --> 00:52:52,543 Hey, do I smell burgers? 1084 00:52:54,296 --> 00:52:56,297 I made your favorite, sweet potatoes. 1085 00:52:56,381 --> 00:52:57,756 Aw, honey, you know, 1086 00:52:57,799 --> 00:53:00,342 what I think I'm gonna miss most is your cooking. 1087 00:53:00,427 --> 00:53:02,970 - Not my kisses? - [both laughing] 1088 00:53:03,805 --> 00:53:05,764 Should I set a place for Uncle Michael? 1089 00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:09,101 Oh, no, honey. Uncle Michael's still very busy. 1090 00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:11,312 I feel bad he keeps disappointing you. 1091 00:53:11,396 --> 00:53:14,064 [Josh] Well, he'll come around. 1092 00:53:14,107 --> 00:53:18,110 - [Timmy] God bless us, everyone. - There he is, my gentle little Timmy. 1093 00:53:18,153 --> 00:53:20,905 What a beautiful day for a family picnic. 1094 00:53:20,947 --> 00:53:23,073 Hey, Timmy, ready for dessert? 1095 00:53:23,116 --> 00:53:26,660 Daddy, is your asshole uncle coming tonight? 1096 00:53:26,745 --> 00:53:27,912 Uh, well... 1097 00:53:27,954 --> 00:53:30,789 Uh, Timmy, you know Uncle Michael loves you. 1098 00:53:30,874 --> 00:53:33,167 That lard ass only loves himself. 1099 00:53:33,251 --> 00:53:35,461 Did he come up with money for my operation? 1100 00:53:35,503 --> 00:53:37,046 Uh, well, uh... 1101 00:53:37,130 --> 00:53:40,174 Documentaries don't actually pay enough to, uh... 1102 00:53:40,258 --> 00:53:43,886 - [girl] Daddy! - Beckah. Hi, sweetheart. 1103 00:53:43,970 --> 00:53:48,140 I see that Michael "I'm gonna get you a cornea transplant" Malone 1104 00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:49,558 stiffed you again. 1105 00:53:49,643 --> 00:53:52,436 Uh, honey, he's doin' everything he can. 1106 00:53:52,479 --> 00:53:56,482 I bet he spent time in the cornea market at the Cannes Film Festival. 1107 00:53:56,566 --> 00:53:57,650 [Josh] Oh, good! 1108 00:53:57,692 --> 00:53:59,985 The boys have brought out Tiny Tina. 1109 00:54:00,070 --> 00:54:03,072 She's doing so much better on that new dialysis machine. 1110 00:54:03,156 --> 00:54:04,156 [Josh] Hey, kids! 1111 00:54:04,199 --> 00:54:07,868 I don't suppose Uncle Jerkwad has showed up with the kidney. 1112 00:54:07,953 --> 00:54:10,371 I'm running a little short on time here. 1113 00:54:12,415 --> 00:54:13,499 - Ow! - Aah! 1114 00:54:13,541 --> 00:54:15,167 - [kids screaming] - Oh! Come on! 1115 00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:18,003 Now, can't we go on to some other awful place? 1116 00:54:18,046 --> 00:54:20,506 - Where the hell are we? - Kandahar, Afghanistan. 1117 00:54:20,590 --> 00:54:22,508 But there's a war going on here! 1118 00:54:22,550 --> 00:54:24,009 - [Patton] Since 9/11! - Down! 1119 00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:26,220 - Down! - They shouldn't be blindfolded. 1120 00:54:26,304 --> 00:54:29,181 - It's against the Geneva Convention. - They're the enemy. 1121 00:54:29,224 --> 00:54:32,851 - They're innocent till proven guilty. - Let me tell you something. 1122 00:54:32,894 --> 00:54:36,522 If they're on the battlefield and shooting at you, they're guilty! 1123 00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:38,357 [Malone] That's not the point. 1124 00:54:38,441 --> 00:54:40,734 There's no reason to blindfold prisoners. 1125 00:54:40,819 --> 00:54:43,696 Fine. Take 'em off. 1126 00:54:46,408 --> 00:54:49,034 [all] Michael Malone! Michael Malone! 1127 00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:51,328 [prisoner] Die You American Pigs! 1128 00:54:51,371 --> 00:54:52,913 He's much fatter in person. 1129 00:54:52,998 --> 00:54:54,039 OK, OK. 1130 00:54:54,124 --> 00:54:57,543 Let's see how fat I look with one of these blindfolds back on. 1131 00:54:57,627 --> 00:54:58,669 - [explosion] - Oh! 1132 00:54:58,712 --> 00:55:00,004 Aah aah aah! 1133 00:55:00,046 --> 00:55:02,881 [soldiers] ...for my God is with me wherever I go. 1134 00:55:02,966 --> 00:55:04,883 Have mercy upon me, O God, 1135 00:55:04,926 --> 00:55:07,303 for it is an unfailing love. 1136 00:55:07,387 --> 00:55:09,430 Praise be to the Lord, my rock, 1137 00:55:09,514 --> 00:55:12,474 who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle. 1138 00:55:12,559 --> 00:55:14,143 We're taking fire! 1139 00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:25,863 Aah! They're using real bullets! 1140 00:55:26,906 --> 00:55:28,991 Aah! Oh! 1141 00:55:29,075 --> 00:55:30,409 Oh! 1142 00:55:30,493 --> 00:55:32,202 [groaning] 1143 00:55:36,750 --> 00:55:39,335 [Patton] Honestly, I've tried to show him, 1144 00:55:39,419 --> 00:55:42,254 but this one is just too bullheaded. 1145 00:55:42,297 --> 00:55:44,173 Father, please forgive me. 1146 00:55:44,257 --> 00:55:45,799 I have done my best. 1147 00:55:45,884 --> 00:55:48,761 This challenge was just too much. 1148 00:55:48,845 --> 00:55:51,930 I fear this battle is lost. 1149 00:55:54,100 --> 00:55:56,602 Oh, so now you're telling God? 1150 00:55:57,979 --> 00:55:59,480 Not that father. 1151 00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:03,692 You know, JFK was right. You are hopeless. 1152 00:56:04,736 --> 00:56:06,528 [slap] 1153 00:56:09,324 --> 00:56:12,284 What?! Oh, George Washington. 1154 00:56:12,369 --> 00:56:16,080 Been dead for 200 years, not that that matters anymore. 1155 00:56:16,122 --> 00:56:18,999 It does matter, citizen Malone. 1156 00:56:19,084 --> 00:56:23,045 Nice costume. You here for the Halloween parade? 1157 00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:27,216 I'm here to talk to you about freedom. 1158 00:56:27,300 --> 00:56:30,677 - The greatest gift man has. - Freedom? 1159 00:56:30,762 --> 00:56:33,639 Very precarious gift, easily misused. 1160 00:56:33,723 --> 00:56:37,351 And when it is misused, easily lost. 1161 00:56:38,812 --> 00:56:41,105 Like freedom from pompous spirits. 1162 00:56:41,147 --> 00:56:43,607 Like freedom of speech, which you abuse. 1163 00:56:43,650 --> 00:56:45,067 Like freedom of religion. 1164 00:56:45,151 --> 00:56:48,445 This is St. Paul's Chapel, where I worshipped every Sunday... 1165 00:56:48,488 --> 00:56:51,407 - [yawning] - ...when New York was the capital. 1166 00:56:52,075 --> 00:56:55,035 I sat right here on the morning of my inaugural 1167 00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:57,496 to pray for guidance in leading this nation. 1168 00:56:59,582 --> 00:57:02,876 If this place is so important, why don't they clean it? 1169 00:57:04,295 --> 00:57:07,089 - [Malone] It's full of... - Dust. 1170 00:57:09,342 --> 00:57:10,843 From across the street. 1171 00:57:14,139 --> 00:57:15,472 [church bell tolling] 1172 00:57:15,515 --> 00:57:16,807 Oh, my God. 1173 00:57:16,850 --> 00:57:19,143 It was the World Trade Center, 1174 00:57:19,185 --> 00:57:23,355 and this is the dust of 3,000 innocent human beings 1175 00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:26,733 and the great heroes who perished trying to save them. 1176 00:57:26,818 --> 00:57:28,068 Why'd you bring me here? 1177 00:57:28,153 --> 00:57:29,820 I'm not responsible for this. 1178 00:57:29,863 --> 00:57:31,572 It was our foreign policy. 1179 00:57:31,656 --> 00:57:33,699 It's our military bases overseas. 1180 00:57:33,783 --> 00:57:36,034 It's globalization. It's the CIA! 1181 00:57:36,077 --> 00:57:38,495 Is that what you're gonna say on judgment day? 1182 00:57:38,538 --> 00:57:41,665 Well, I've already been judged, and I won an Oscar. 1183 00:57:41,708 --> 00:57:44,168 For a documentary. 1184 00:57:46,713 --> 00:57:51,800 When you meet the Almighty, Michael, I'm afraid that won't do. 1185 00:57:53,344 --> 00:57:57,014 Only the truth will do. 1186 00:57:57,056 --> 00:57:58,265 I gotta get out of here. 1187 00:57:59,809 --> 00:58:01,477 - [clang] - Ooh! 1188 00:58:01,561 --> 00:58:03,395 Ow! 1189 00:58:03,438 --> 00:58:04,438 Ooh! 1190 00:58:04,522 --> 00:58:06,815 - [clanging] - [grunting] 1191 00:58:13,114 --> 00:58:15,073 No! No! 1192 00:58:15,158 --> 00:58:17,075 No! No! 1193 00:58:19,829 --> 00:58:20,829 Aah! 1194 00:58:20,914 --> 00:58:23,499 Don't hurt me! I've always stood up for gay rights. 1195 00:58:25,293 --> 00:58:27,920 I'm the Angel of freakin' Death, you turdhead. 1196 00:58:28,004 --> 00:58:32,591 Boy, you do not wanna mess with the Angel of Death. 1197 00:58:32,675 --> 00:58:36,386 Listen, punk, there are consequences for what you do. 1198 00:58:36,429 --> 00:58:38,013 Let's go. 1199 00:58:38,973 --> 00:58:40,724 Oh, good, another field trip. 1200 00:58:40,767 --> 00:58:44,186 Can we go someplace cool this time, like Paris or Hollywood? 1201 00:58:44,270 --> 00:58:45,854 Now, that's a good idea. 1202 00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:47,648 [Arabic music playing] 1203 00:58:47,732 --> 00:58:50,108 What's goin' on here? Where are we? 1204 00:58:50,193 --> 00:58:54,404 Hollywood, just like you wanted, only now it's called Bin Laden City. 1205 00:58:54,447 --> 00:58:55,697 Oh, my God. 1206 00:58:55,782 --> 00:58:58,200 They kept the buildings. Just changed the signs. 1207 00:58:58,284 --> 00:59:00,827 [Malone] Oh, no! This isn't happening! 1208 00:59:00,912 --> 00:59:03,455 We lost the war on terror. Nice work. 1209 00:59:03,540 --> 00:59:06,166 Great bunch of movies you made for the other side. 1210 00:59:07,252 --> 00:59:08,961 Oh, shit. 1211 00:59:09,045 --> 00:59:11,713 Yeah. Terrorists really appreciated your work. 1212 00:59:11,798 --> 00:59:16,301 Oh! Take me home. 1213 00:59:16,344 --> 00:59:17,886 My real home. 1214 00:59:17,971 --> 00:59:20,889 That's where we're goin'. Back to Michigan. 1215 00:59:22,934 --> 00:59:25,519 [siren] 1216 00:59:25,603 --> 00:59:26,687 Ah, home. 1217 00:59:26,771 --> 00:59:28,021 [distant gunfire] 1218 00:59:28,106 --> 00:59:29,147 Detroit! 1219 00:59:33,987 --> 00:59:35,529 [man] This is all that's left? 1220 00:59:35,613 --> 00:59:38,782 Not much to work with, but if we put our heads together... 1221 00:59:38,825 --> 00:59:41,285 We'll never be able to identify this victim. 1222 00:59:41,327 --> 00:59:42,619 Why even bother? 1223 00:59:42,662 --> 00:59:44,121 I mean, it's one of 100,000. 1224 00:59:44,163 --> 00:59:46,748 What happened here? 100,000 people dead? 1225 00:59:46,833 --> 00:59:47,833 Listen. 1226 00:59:47,917 --> 00:59:51,336 The strange thing is the blast only killed a few hundred. 1227 00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:52,879 Radiation got the rest. 1228 00:59:52,964 --> 00:59:56,174 Nuclear attack on Detroit? 1229 00:59:56,217 --> 00:59:57,509 Oh, my God. 1230 00:59:57,594 --> 01:00:01,263 We found this in the wreckage of a television interview show. 1231 01:00:01,347 --> 01:00:02,931 Some big-ass celebrity. 1232 01:00:03,016 --> 01:00:04,641 [woman] You got that right. 1233 01:00:04,684 --> 01:00:06,518 This was near it. 1234 01:00:08,730 --> 01:00:10,939 Hey, that's Michael Malone's cap. 1235 01:00:11,024 --> 01:00:12,608 That explains the fat ass. 1236 01:00:12,692 --> 01:00:13,692 Check this out. 1237 01:00:13,776 --> 01:00:16,320 There is no terrorist threat. 1238 01:00:16,362 --> 01:00:17,613 [laughter] 1239 01:00:17,697 --> 01:00:19,615 Uh, yeah, yeah. I just forgot to sign 1240 01:00:19,699 --> 01:00:21,908 the please don't shoot my ass off agreement. 1241 01:00:21,993 --> 01:00:24,286 [laughter] 1242 01:00:24,370 --> 01:00:26,413 Do I look more like Michael Malone now? 1243 01:00:26,497 --> 01:00:28,332 Hey, spank my know-it-all ass. 1244 01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:32,210 [man 2] I know! 1245 01:00:32,253 --> 01:00:35,464 Least everyone will be happy now that I've been nuked! 1246 01:00:35,548 --> 01:00:37,090 [all laugh] 1247 01:00:37,508 --> 01:00:39,760 Don't let me die! And all those people! 1248 01:00:39,844 --> 01:00:42,012 I don't wanna die! Please, I don't wanna die! 1249 01:00:42,055 --> 01:00:44,056 [all] ♪ Yankee doodle went to town 1250 01:00:44,098 --> 01:00:45,599 ♪ Riding on a big ass 1251 01:00:45,683 --> 01:00:48,268 I don't wanna die! Please! I don't wanna die! 1252 01:00:48,353 --> 01:00:49,978 Please! I don't wanna die. 1253 01:00:50,063 --> 01:00:51,855 I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. 1254 01:00:51,898 --> 01:00:55,150 [crying] I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. 1255 01:00:57,862 --> 01:00:59,738 I didn't die. I'm alive! 1256 01:00:59,822 --> 01:01:01,531 I'm here at Madison Square Garden 1257 01:01:01,574 --> 01:01:05,243 where Moovealong.org is holding their Anti-Fourth-of-July rally. 1258 01:01:05,328 --> 01:01:06,912 I didn't miss it! 1259 01:01:06,996 --> 01:01:08,872 It wasn't a nightmare! 1260 01:01:08,915 --> 01:01:11,792 Except for that creepy George Washington guy. 1261 01:01:11,876 --> 01:01:13,669 It's a beautiful day! 1262 01:01:13,753 --> 01:01:16,630 They're all waiting for their leader, Michael Malone 1263 01:01:18,383 --> 01:01:20,717 That's right, Michael Malone 1264 01:01:20,760 --> 01:01:22,177 I'm so f... 1265 01:01:22,261 --> 01:01:24,012 [knock on door] 1266 01:01:26,974 --> 01:01:28,350 Time to go. 1267 01:01:28,434 --> 01:01:29,935 I can't. I'm... sick. 1268 01:01:29,977 --> 01:01:31,770 Oh. You look terrible. 1269 01:01:31,854 --> 01:01:33,522 But you always look terrible. 1270 01:01:33,606 --> 01:01:36,441 Now come on. Millions of people are counting on you. 1271 01:01:36,526 --> 01:01:38,527 [chanting] We love Michael Malone! 1272 01:01:38,611 --> 01:01:39,778 We love Michael Malone! 1273 01:01:39,862 --> 01:01:41,446 You gotta do the right thing. 1274 01:01:43,032 --> 01:01:44,783 Huh? 1275 01:01:44,826 --> 01:01:48,036 [protesters] We don't care how! Leave now! We don't care how! 1276 01:01:48,121 --> 01:01:49,996 Leave now! We don't care how! 1277 01:01:50,081 --> 01:01:52,165 [chant continues] 1278 01:01:58,589 --> 01:01:59,965 [Ahmed] Director Akbar! 1279 01:02:01,259 --> 01:02:04,469 Director Akbar, our all-access media passes, 1280 01:02:04,554 --> 01:02:05,971 you have them? 1281 01:02:06,055 --> 01:02:08,432 Oh, yeah, uh, enjoy the, uh, demonstration. 1282 01:02:08,474 --> 01:02:10,726 - Thank you. - Mr. Malone, Mr. Malone! 1283 01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:12,561 What is your message to the troops 1284 01:02:12,645 --> 01:02:14,980 who have come for the Fourth of July concert? 1285 01:02:15,064 --> 01:02:16,815 Uh... uh... uh... 1286 01:02:16,899 --> 01:02:18,358 [Heather] Give me that! 1287 01:02:18,443 --> 01:02:21,820 We're not gonna celebrate a country that sends soldiers to fight. 1288 01:02:21,904 --> 01:02:25,323 That's what Michael is here to say. Come on. Everyone's waiting. 1289 01:02:25,366 --> 01:02:27,492 Introduce Jimmy Carter and make a speech. 1290 01:02:27,535 --> 01:02:30,871 - [chanting] Bring troops home! - Michael Malone will be here soon! 1291 01:02:30,955 --> 01:02:33,331 Feel free to just wander on up here. 1292 01:02:33,374 --> 01:02:35,667 And here's former President Jimmy Carter! 1293 01:02:35,710 --> 01:02:37,502 Israel is an apartheid state. 1294 01:02:37,545 --> 01:02:40,881 Uh, high taxes are good for you. 1295 01:02:40,965 --> 01:02:43,717 [woman] And after him, Michael Malone is gonna be here! 1296 01:02:43,801 --> 01:02:45,719 Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom. 1297 01:02:53,186 --> 01:02:55,020 Aah! 1298 01:02:55,062 --> 01:02:57,898 What am I gonna do? They're gonna kill me! 1299 01:02:57,982 --> 01:02:59,399 - [slap] - Aah! 1300 01:02:59,484 --> 01:03:01,777 You spineless bastard, act like a man. 1301 01:03:01,861 --> 01:03:04,362 Why'd you do that? I was gonna do something. 1302 01:03:04,447 --> 01:03:06,782 I just don't know what. Aah! 1303 01:03:06,866 --> 01:03:10,368 You can't sit here on the sidelines. It's time to take action. 1304 01:03:10,411 --> 01:03:12,788 I'm considering getting another hero. 1305 01:03:12,872 --> 01:03:13,872 Aah! 1306 01:03:13,956 --> 01:03:17,667 [Malone] Hey! What are you doin' here? You're not a spirit. 1307 01:03:17,710 --> 01:03:20,378 I know. I just enjoy slapping you. 1308 01:03:20,421 --> 01:03:21,922 - Aah! - Listen to yourself! 1309 01:03:22,006 --> 01:03:25,717 The time has come to forget about the consequences and show courage! 1310 01:03:25,760 --> 01:03:27,302 You know what courage is? 1311 01:03:27,386 --> 01:03:29,721 You mean, like the lion in The Wizard Of Oz? 1312 01:03:30,640 --> 01:03:32,557 I had a more heroic reference in mind, 1313 01:03:32,642 --> 01:03:35,185 but if The Wizard Of Oz works for you, well, OK. 1314 01:03:35,228 --> 01:03:39,231 You know, is it possible for me to get a little privacy in here? 1315 01:03:39,315 --> 01:03:42,025 We are facing the greatest evil since Nazism. 1316 01:03:42,068 --> 01:03:44,236 [Patton] What are you talking about? 1317 01:03:44,320 --> 01:03:47,197 To assure there will be no more war, I've taken the liberty 1318 01:03:47,240 --> 01:03:51,952 of arranging a formal surrender ceremony on the U.S.S. Missouri. 1319 01:04:04,340 --> 01:04:06,883 OK, stop! I'll do it. 1320 01:04:09,470 --> 01:04:10,929 Thank you, thank you. 1321 01:04:11,013 --> 01:04:14,140 [Carter] Oh, look, here he is now, 1322 01:04:14,225 --> 01:04:16,101 a true heavyweight of the movement, 1323 01:04:16,185 --> 01:04:18,937 our brother, Michael Malone! 1324 01:04:18,980 --> 01:04:21,398 Ah... whoo. 1325 01:04:21,440 --> 01:04:23,775 Ah, thank you. Thank you. 1326 01:04:23,818 --> 01:04:26,027 Uh, I know what you all think is important. 1327 01:04:27,613 --> 01:04:29,781 Government-run health care. 1328 01:04:30,783 --> 01:04:32,158 Global warming. 1329 01:04:33,786 --> 01:04:35,996 No handguns allowed in your home. 1330 01:04:38,291 --> 01:04:40,959 And these things are all vital. 1331 01:04:43,337 --> 01:04:46,590 But they all come second to the most important thing of all. 1332 01:04:46,632 --> 01:04:48,592 We're in a real war, people. 1333 01:04:48,634 --> 01:04:50,635 These terrorists want to kill us all, 1334 01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:53,096 and you're acting like it's September 10th. 1335 01:04:56,934 --> 01:04:58,143 Traitor! 1336 01:04:58,185 --> 01:04:59,644 [crowd booing] 1337 01:05:07,486 --> 01:05:08,904 Where'd you get that?! 1338 01:05:08,988 --> 01:05:10,697 Aah! 1339 01:05:14,368 --> 01:05:15,744 Aah! 1340 01:05:15,828 --> 01:05:20,165 Hang on a second! Thanks, guys. Aah! 1341 01:05:20,249 --> 01:05:23,585 Oh, please! I don't blame you for wantin' to water-board me 1342 01:05:23,669 --> 01:05:25,712 in a secret CIA prison, but I've changed! 1343 01:05:25,796 --> 01:05:29,049 - We're trying to protect you. - Well, thank you for bein' here. 1344 01:05:29,133 --> 01:05:32,469 Don't thank us. Thank the recruiter that came to our campus. 1345 01:05:32,511 --> 01:05:34,512 What? You guys went to college? 1346 01:05:35,848 --> 01:05:41,686 [announcer] And now, folks, give a big New York City welcome to.. 1347 01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:43,772 ...Whiskey Falls! 1348 01:05:43,856 --> 01:05:46,024 [fireworks exploding] 1349 01:05:46,108 --> 01:05:48,610 [♪ Whiskey Falls: Hellbilly] 1350 01:05:48,694 --> 01:05:49,986 Poor Aziz. 1351 01:05:50,029 --> 01:05:52,822 He was supposed to wait to detonate his bombs. 1352 01:05:52,865 --> 01:05:54,199 What a wanker. 1353 01:05:54,283 --> 01:05:56,743 Hey, let's get hot dogs and go see the show. 1354 01:05:58,871 --> 01:06:01,164 After we blow ourselves up. 1355 01:06:01,207 --> 01:06:04,668 After the bombs go off, I will personally kill you. 1356 01:06:04,710 --> 01:06:07,087 I can live with that. 1357 01:06:07,171 --> 01:06:09,172 [song continues] 1358 01:06:16,180 --> 01:06:18,223 Hey! Hey, it's that Michael Malone! 1359 01:06:18,307 --> 01:06:19,849 Oh, hey! 1360 01:06:19,892 --> 01:06:22,310 This is for people who support our troops. 1361 01:06:22,395 --> 01:06:25,230 You hate country music. What are you doin' here? 1362 01:06:25,314 --> 01:06:26,731 I had no choice. 1363 01:06:26,774 --> 01:06:29,484 I was about to be beaten by peace marchers! 1364 01:06:30,820 --> 01:06:33,738 [announcer] And now, on the birthday of our nation 1365 01:06:33,781 --> 01:06:35,448 we're proud to introduce a man 1366 01:06:35,533 --> 01:06:38,576 who has entertained troops all over the world. 1367 01:06:38,619 --> 01:06:43,581 Please welcome country music superstar Trace Adkins! 1368 01:06:43,624 --> 01:06:45,208 [cheering and applause] 1369 01:06:46,335 --> 01:06:48,586 The Angel of Death is headlining? 1370 01:06:48,629 --> 01:06:50,380 Hello, New York City! 1371 01:06:50,423 --> 01:06:52,549 [Ahmed and Mohammed] Director Akbar! 1372 01:06:52,591 --> 01:06:54,592 Director Akbar! Back here! 1373 01:06:54,635 --> 01:06:56,636 Shh! I'm gonna get killed. 1374 01:06:56,721 --> 01:06:58,096 I know. We all are. 1375 01:06:58,139 --> 01:07:01,683 We have to tell you something. Aziz is not an actor. 1376 01:07:01,767 --> 01:07:04,102 - He's not? - He's something else. 1377 01:07:04,186 --> 01:07:05,478 Think back. 1378 01:07:08,649 --> 01:07:11,568 You look like a terrorist. [laughing] 1379 01:07:12,778 --> 01:07:15,113 You are going to blow up Madison Square Garden? 1380 01:07:15,197 --> 01:07:17,824 - [The Chicken Dance playing] - Bawk, bawk, bawk! 1381 01:07:17,908 --> 01:07:18,908 Bawk, bawk, bawk! 1382 01:07:21,328 --> 01:07:22,412 Bawk, bawk, bawk! 1383 01:07:22,913 --> 01:07:27,167 Wait! So you're saying he's a terrorist? 1384 01:07:28,627 --> 01:07:31,463 - And that would make you... - [both] Filmmakers. 1385 01:07:31,505 --> 01:07:32,797 Right! 1386 01:07:32,882 --> 01:07:36,051 The "film" is set to go off at 7:00. 1387 01:07:42,308 --> 01:07:43,558 We have to stop him. 1388 01:07:43,642 --> 01:07:45,643 We'll never find him in this crowd. 1389 01:07:46,812 --> 01:07:50,815 There's only one place I can see everything. The stage. 1390 01:07:50,900 --> 01:07:51,983 They hate you. 1391 01:07:52,068 --> 01:07:54,027 They hated Stalin, too. 1392 01:07:54,111 --> 01:07:55,820 Look for him out in the house. 1393 01:07:55,905 --> 01:07:58,156 - Stalin? - The mentor of Oprah. 1394 01:07:58,199 --> 01:08:00,450 [Adkins] I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. 1395 01:08:00,493 --> 01:08:02,869 So come on, let's not waste any more time. 1396 01:08:02,953 --> 01:08:03,995 Let me hear you. 1397 01:08:04,080 --> 01:08:06,206 [man] Hey, Malone, get off the stage! 1398 01:08:06,290 --> 01:08:09,501 - [booing] - [man 2] Get off the stage! 1399 01:08:09,585 --> 01:08:12,170 - [man 3] What's he doin' here! - Well, uh... 1400 01:08:12,254 --> 01:08:15,423 - [man] What are you doin' here?! - [Malone] Damn it, where is he? 1401 01:08:15,508 --> 01:08:18,968 Uh, you probably all hate me, and I don't blame you. 1402 01:08:19,011 --> 01:08:20,637 I said a lot of bad things. 1403 01:08:20,679 --> 01:08:23,932 Uh, over the last few days, I learned a lot of lessons. 1404 01:08:24,016 --> 01:08:26,935 And now I know that terrorism is not our fault! 1405 01:08:27,019 --> 01:08:28,353 [crowd cheering] 1406 01:08:28,395 --> 01:08:30,730 [Malone] He's got to be out there somewhere. 1407 01:08:30,815 --> 01:08:35,527 And that, uh, we may not be perfect, but we're the good guys! 1408 01:08:35,611 --> 01:08:36,694 [crowd] Yeah! 1409 01:08:36,737 --> 01:08:40,698 I'm sorry about what I said about country music, NASCAR, and Americans. 1410 01:08:40,741 --> 01:08:43,660 - If you want to listen to dumb songs - [crowd booing] 1411 01:08:43,702 --> 01:08:45,370 about cowboys and trucks 1412 01:08:45,454 --> 01:08:48,039 and watch cars endlessly go around in circles. 1413 01:08:48,124 --> 01:08:50,875 Hey, what... Hey, this is the United States of America! 1414 01:08:50,960 --> 01:08:53,169 We're free to do what we want! 1415 01:08:53,212 --> 01:08:56,714 So if those of you who agree with me 1416 01:08:56,757 --> 01:08:59,551 that America should be destroyed, stand up now! 1417 01:09:01,470 --> 01:09:04,556 Yes! Die, you American pigs! 1418 01:09:04,598 --> 01:09:06,015 [crowd] What?! 1419 01:09:06,058 --> 01:09:08,226 There he is! The terrorist! Get him! 1420 01:09:10,563 --> 01:09:12,147 We'll get him, director Akbar! 1421 01:09:14,150 --> 01:09:15,900 [Malone] Get him! Get him! 1422 01:09:26,203 --> 01:09:28,705 - Aziz, don't do it! - Allahu Akbar. 1423 01:09:28,747 --> 01:09:29,831 - Wait! - Wait! 1424 01:09:29,915 --> 01:09:32,041 [timer beeping] 1425 01:09:32,084 --> 01:09:33,084 - Oh! - Oh! 1426 01:09:33,169 --> 01:09:35,128 OK, now we must disarm the bomb. 1427 01:09:35,212 --> 01:09:37,422 Then it's a good thing we're alert. 1428 01:09:40,259 --> 01:09:42,844 - The red one! - Which one's red? I'm color blind. 1429 01:09:42,928 --> 01:09:44,429 [Ahmed] We don't have time. 1430 01:09:44,471 --> 01:09:47,056 [Mohammed] I've never done this in a restroom. 1431 01:09:47,099 --> 01:09:50,268 Don't worry about it. Just relax and pull it gently. 1432 01:09:50,352 --> 01:09:51,477 - Like that? - Ooh! 1433 01:09:51,562 --> 01:09:52,604 Ooh! 1434 01:09:52,646 --> 01:09:53,813 Sailors. 1435 01:09:57,109 --> 01:10:00,278 [Mohammed] Not that one! Don't pull that one! 1436 01:10:00,362 --> 01:10:02,655 [Ahmed] Push harder! Put it in here. 1437 01:10:02,740 --> 01:10:03,781 Oh! 1438 01:10:03,824 --> 01:10:05,617 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He's waking up! 1439 01:10:05,659 --> 01:10:07,035 Do something! 1440 01:10:08,204 --> 01:10:09,245 - Huh? - Look! 1441 01:10:09,288 --> 01:10:10,914 Aah ha ha ha! 1442 01:10:10,956 --> 01:10:14,209 - [Ahmed] That was amazing. - [Mohammed] You're incredible. 1443 01:10:14,293 --> 01:10:15,293 Marines. 1444 01:10:28,307 --> 01:10:30,475 [Ahmed] Director Akbar! Director Akbar! 1445 01:10:30,559 --> 01:10:32,852 - Look! Look! - [timer resumes beeping] 1446 01:10:32,937 --> 01:10:34,312 - Ooh! - [timer stops] 1447 01:10:34,355 --> 01:10:36,606 [crowd cheering] 1448 01:10:39,109 --> 01:10:41,069 Got anything else to say, son? 1449 01:10:41,195 --> 01:10:45,281 Yeah! How about you rednecks Play some of that awful country music! 1450 01:10:45,324 --> 01:10:47,951 [band playing] 1451 01:10:49,662 --> 01:10:51,663 Welcome to the real America. 1452 01:10:52,998 --> 01:10:55,875 You know, you look much slimmer in person. 1453 01:10:59,004 --> 01:11:02,507 ♪ This is the greatest country in the whole wide world 1454 01:11:02,549 --> 01:11:05,510 ♪ The fastest horses The prettiest girls 1455 01:11:05,594 --> 01:11:08,972 ♪ We got the Army, the Navy Air Force, and Marines 1456 01:11:09,014 --> 01:11:12,058 ♪ The finest fightin' force the world's ever seen 1457 01:11:12,142 --> 01:11:15,395 ♪ We're the kind of people that get things done 1458 01:11:15,479 --> 01:11:17,188 ♪ No doubt about it, folks 1459 01:11:17,231 --> 01:11:18,856 ♪ We're still number one 1460 01:11:18,899 --> 01:11:19,941 ♪ We got the nerve 1461 01:11:20,025 --> 01:11:21,025 ♪ We got the nerve 1462 01:11:21,068 --> 01:11:22,068 ♪ We got the will 1463 01:11:22,152 --> 01:11:23,152 ♪ We got the will 1464 01:11:23,195 --> 01:11:24,237 ♪ We are all together 1465 01:11:24,321 --> 01:11:28,199 ♪ And you know that we are still America 1466 01:11:28,242 --> 01:11:31,869 ♪ Yeah, I know the sun is risin' on a better day 1467 01:11:31,954 --> 01:11:33,454 ♪ America, America 1468 01:11:33,539 --> 01:11:36,708 [music fades to fifes playing] 1469 01:11:45,467 --> 01:11:47,719 ♪ America, America 1470 01:11:47,761 --> 01:11:52,682 ♪ Yeah, I believe in you 1471 01:11:52,725 --> 01:11:55,727 New York City! 1472 01:11:55,769 --> 01:11:56,894 Whoo! 1473 01:11:56,979 --> 01:11:58,062 There is mosh pit? 1474 01:11:58,105 --> 01:12:00,023 Not in country music. 1475 01:12:00,065 --> 01:12:01,441 Aah! Oh! 1476 01:12:02,443 --> 01:12:04,402 Oh! 1477 01:12:04,486 --> 01:12:07,405 ♪ America, America 1478 01:12:07,448 --> 01:12:10,074 ♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪ 1479 01:12:10,117 --> 01:12:11,284 Josh. 1480 01:12:27,885 --> 01:12:28,968 Josh! Josh! 1481 01:12:29,053 --> 01:12:30,261 Huh? 1482 01:12:32,348 --> 01:12:33,473 Josh, Josh! 1483 01:12:35,100 --> 01:12:36,267 Josh, Josh! 1484 01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:37,393 Carry on. 1485 01:12:37,436 --> 01:12:39,729 [Timmy] Daddy, look who's here. 1486 01:12:39,772 --> 01:12:42,774 - Uncle Asshole! - Josh! 1487 01:12:42,858 --> 01:12:44,233 Josh! 1488 01:12:52,785 --> 01:12:55,787 Can you forgive your stupid uncle for being too blind to see 1489 01:12:55,871 --> 01:12:58,373 what's been right in front of him this whole time? 1490 01:12:58,457 --> 01:13:00,541 Oh, nice! Blind jokes! 1491 01:13:00,626 --> 01:13:03,127 Uncle Michael, it's OK. 1492 01:13:03,170 --> 01:13:06,881 Well, I just want you to know that I care about you, and... 1493 01:13:06,965 --> 01:13:08,633 ...I'm proud of what you're doin'. 1494 01:13:08,675 --> 01:13:13,596 I always knew that, Uncle Michael. I always knew it. 1495 01:13:14,640 --> 01:13:16,641 Well, now you take care of yourself, 1496 01:13:16,683 --> 01:13:19,644 'cause there's a lot of bad people out there. 1497 01:13:19,686 --> 01:13:23,815 It's OK. As long as there's a lot of good people here. 1498 01:13:26,276 --> 01:13:28,152 If there's anything I can do... 1499 01:13:29,238 --> 01:13:31,197 Maybe I can send some DVDs of my movies. 1500 01:13:31,281 --> 01:13:32,657 That's all right. 1501 01:13:32,699 --> 01:13:35,660 We captured a lot of them when we took Saddam's palace. 1502 01:13:36,954 --> 01:13:39,705 Besides, I think most of the guys prefer features. 1503 01:13:41,333 --> 01:13:43,334 But I'd really appreciate it 1504 01:13:43,377 --> 01:13:46,462 if you could check in on Lily and the kids while I'm gone. 1505 01:13:46,505 --> 01:13:48,339 Yeah, I will. No problem. 1506 01:13:49,842 --> 01:13:51,551 You've made Josh so happy. 1507 01:13:51,635 --> 01:13:54,011 - Thanks, Jilly. - Lily. 1508 01:13:57,349 --> 01:13:59,267 Welcome to the fight, Uncle Michael. 1509 01:13:59,351 --> 01:14:01,310 This time I know our side will win. 1510 01:14:34,011 --> 01:14:35,970 - Ow! - Ow! 1511 01:14:36,054 --> 01:14:38,848 Aah! 1512 01:14:38,891 --> 01:14:39,974 Aah! 1513 01:14:40,058 --> 01:14:41,058 Aah! 1514 01:14:41,101 --> 01:14:42,435 [muffled screams] 1515 01:14:42,519 --> 01:14:44,270 Ow! 1516 01:14:44,354 --> 01:14:46,439 - [boy] Help! - [gasps] 1517 01:14:46,523 --> 01:14:48,191 Aah! 1518 01:14:48,233 --> 01:14:50,109 Aah! 1519 01:14:50,194 --> 01:14:51,235 Don't worry, Josh! 1520 01:14:51,278 --> 01:14:53,488 - [screams] - I'll take care of the family! 1521 01:15:02,331 --> 01:15:03,748 Thought I'd find you here. 1522 01:15:05,250 --> 01:15:09,212 He's a good kid. Persian Gulf, volunteered. 1523 01:15:09,254 --> 01:15:12,089 I feel so useless. What can I do? 1524 01:15:12,174 --> 01:15:13,925 Well, you could start by being 1525 01:15:13,967 --> 01:15:17,094 as big a pain in the ass to the terrorists as you've been to us. 1526 01:15:17,179 --> 01:15:19,931 Like makin' a movie of the good things about America. 1527 01:15:20,015 --> 01:15:22,141 In Hollywood? Fat chance. 1528 01:15:22,226 --> 01:15:23,809 Sorry for bein' such a jerk. 1529 01:15:23,894 --> 01:15:26,020 Sorry I made you listen to country music. 1530 01:15:26,104 --> 01:15:27,104 Ah, forget it. 1531 01:15:27,189 --> 01:15:28,814 Hey, you want to grab a sandwich? 1532 01:15:28,899 --> 01:15:31,651 I'd love to. Used to get a good pastrami in Manhattan. 1533 01:15:31,735 --> 01:15:35,112 Before you got t-boned by that car. It was a spinal injury, right? 1534 01:15:35,197 --> 01:15:37,615 [Patton] Tough day. Didn't see that comin'. 1535 01:15:37,658 --> 01:15:40,284 [Malone] What do you think about stem cell research? 1536 01:15:40,369 --> 01:15:43,204 Let's not go there. A broken neck is a broken neck... 1537 01:15:43,288 --> 01:15:46,290 [Grandpa] From then on, he always remembered to celebrate 1538 01:15:46,375 --> 01:15:47,833 the Fourth of July 1539 01:15:47,918 --> 01:15:50,336 and he did what he could to help out the soldiers. 1540 01:15:50,420 --> 01:15:52,797 But most important, he devoted himself 1541 01:15:52,839 --> 01:15:55,132 to spreading a message of his hero 1542 01:15:55,801 --> 01:15:57,343 My fellow Americans, 1543 01:15:57,427 --> 01:16:00,513 ask not what your country can do for you, 1544 01:16:00,597 --> 01:16:04,308 but rather, ask, uh... Uh... line! 1545 01:16:04,351 --> 01:16:07,395 You know, I don't think JFK would say this like that. 1546 01:16:07,479 --> 01:16:11,190 - It's become such a... - "What you can do for your country!" 1547 01:16:11,275 --> 01:16:14,777 Oh, cut! What are we gonna do? 1548 01:16:14,820 --> 01:16:17,446 Fire his ass. 1549 01:16:17,489 --> 01:16:19,156 That's my boy. 1550 01:16:19,241 --> 01:16:20,575 God bless us, everyone. 1551 01:16:20,659 --> 01:16:22,952 [Malone and Timmy] And God bless America! 1552 01:16:22,995 --> 01:16:26,163 [Grandpa] And it turned out people actually wanted to see movies 1553 01:16:26,248 --> 01:16:28,332 that showed good things about America 1554 01:16:28,417 --> 01:16:31,043 - [girl] Grandpa! - Oh, Grandpa, come on. 1555 01:16:31,128 --> 01:16:34,630 Hey. It's just a story. 1556 01:16:35,757 --> 01:16:37,508 [Kennedy] My fellow Americans, 1557 01:16:37,551 --> 01:16:39,969 ask not what your country can do for you, 1558 01:16:40,012 --> 01:16:43,264 but rather ask what you can do for your country. 1559 01:16:44,057 --> 01:16:45,516 [Malone] Cut! Print! 1560 01:16:45,559 --> 01:16:47,893 [♪ Trace Adkins: America I Believe In You] 1561 01:18:05,722 --> 01:18:07,723 [♪ Whiskey Falls: Hellbilly] 112991

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