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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,405 --> 00:00:10,410 ( banjo playing ) 2 00:00:10,443 --> 00:00:13,680 ( whistling to music ) 3 00:00:18,451 --> 00:00:22,221 ♪ SING A SONG OF YESTERDAY... ♪ 4 00:00:22,254 --> 00:00:24,223 Girl: I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT THIS IS NOT A STORY 5 00:00:24,256 --> 00:00:26,692 ABOUT MY MOTHER AND HOW SHE GOT FAMOUS. 6 00:00:26,725 --> 00:00:27,761 IT'S A STORY ABOUT ME. 7 00:00:29,595 --> 00:00:33,666 MY NAME IS ERICA INGELS. I HAVE A SISTER, OPAL. 8 00:00:33,699 --> 00:00:36,335 OKAY. IT'S ABOUT MY SISTER, TOO. 9 00:00:36,368 --> 00:00:38,571 I'M ALMOST READY. 10 00:00:38,604 --> 00:00:41,307 OKAY. IT'S ABOUT MY MOTHER TOO, BUT NOT COMPLETELY. 11 00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:44,444 THIS IS MY LIFE. 12 00:00:44,477 --> 00:00:48,214 Erica: OKAY. SO THIS TIME YOU BE ED AND I'LL BE JOHNNY. 13 00:00:48,247 --> 00:00:50,550 Opal: I WAS ED McMAHON THE LAST TIME. 14 00:00:48,247 --> 00:00:50,550 Erica: YOU WERE NOT. 15 00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:52,751 WAS TO. 16 00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:52,751 WAS NOT! 17 00:00:52,785 --> 00:00:55,455 ERICA. 18 00:00:52,785 --> 00:00:55,455 YOU'RE ALWAYS ON OPAL'S SIDE. 19 00:00:55,488 --> 00:00:58,124 Woman: YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING HOW ALL THIS HAPPENED TO ME. 20 00:00:58,157 --> 00:01:01,126 WELL, I WAS LIVING IN QUEENS WITH MY TWO GIRLS 21 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:03,696 AND WE WERE ALL CRAMMED INTO THIS UNBELIEVABLY SMALL HOUSE 22 00:01:03,729 --> 00:01:06,566 WITH MY AUNT HARRIET. HOW SMALL WAS IT? 23 00:01:06,599 --> 00:01:09,102 IT WAS SO SMALL THAT WHEN YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH, 24 00:01:09,135 --> 00:01:12,572 YOU COULDN'T BRUSH SIDEWAYS... ANYWAY, THERE I WAS, 25 00:01:12,605 --> 00:01:15,108 WE ARE TALKING TOTAL OBSCURITY HERE. 26 00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:19,112 OF COURSE NOW AND THEN I WAS ON THE JOHNNY CARSON SHOW. 27 00:01:19,145 --> 00:01:21,580 AND NOW, LIVE FROM HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, THE TONIGHT SHOW 28 00:01:21,614 --> 00:01:25,685 STARRING JOHNNY CARSON AND NOW, HERRREEE'S JOHNNY! 29 00:01:25,718 --> 00:01:28,721 ♪ DA-DA-DA-DA-DA ♪ 30 00:01:28,754 --> 00:01:31,124 GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 31 00:01:31,157 --> 00:01:33,426 TONIGHT WE WELCOME BACK ONE OF OUR TONIGHT SHOW REGULARS. 32 00:01:33,459 --> 00:01:36,429 WHO'S BECOME INCREDIBLY POPULAR SINCE HER FIRST APPEARANCE HERE. 33 00:01:36,462 --> 00:01:39,432 LET US WELCOME HER NOW, DOTTIE INGELS! 34 00:01:39,465 --> 00:01:41,434 ( cheers and applause ) 35 00:01:41,467 --> 00:01:43,436 Dottie: THAT'S WHAT I DID AT NIGHT. 36 00:01:43,469 --> 00:01:45,705 IN THE DAY, I WAS ALSO ON TELEVISION. 37 00:01:45,738 --> 00:01:48,708 THANK YOU, MIMMIE. I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA BE HAPPY. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL. 38 00:01:48,741 --> 00:01:50,843 Dottie: DON'T LAUGH. 39 00:01:50,876 --> 00:01:52,411 THIS IS MY LIFE. 40 00:01:52,444 --> 00:01:55,581 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 41 00:01:55,614 --> 00:01:59,919 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 42 00:01:59,952 --> 00:02:02,722 Dottie: EXCUSE ME, SWEETHEART, IN THE BEIGE BLAZER, 43 00:02:02,755 --> 00:02:04,723 WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 44 00:02:02,755 --> 00:02:04,723 JOANNE. 45 00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:07,593 JOANNE, ARE YOU MARRIED? 46 00:02:07,626 --> 00:02:10,596 OH, DEAR. SINGLE BUT WITH MARRIED SKIN. 47 00:02:10,628 --> 00:02:12,732 WE ALL KNOW WHAT MARRIED SKIN IS 48 00:02:12,765 --> 00:02:15,434 DON'T WE? 49 00:02:12,765 --> 00:02:15,434 OH, DON'T WE. 50 00:02:15,467 --> 00:02:18,604 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 51 00:02:15,467 --> 00:02:18,604 ♪ EVEN IN A HURRICANE ♪ 52 00:02:18,637 --> 00:02:22,441 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 53 00:02:18,637 --> 00:02:22,441 ♪ CONTACT LENS GOES DOWN THE DRAIN ♪ 54 00:02:22,474 --> 00:02:24,944 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 55 00:02:24,977 --> 00:02:27,213 HAVE I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? 56 00:02:27,246 --> 00:02:31,551 THIS IS ANTI-AGING PLACENTA EXTRACT. 57 00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:36,422 WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT WHOSE PLACENTA OR WHAT PLACENTA. 58 00:02:36,455 --> 00:02:38,424 BUT TRUST ME, EVELYN, 59 00:02:38,457 --> 00:02:40,760 THIS IS PROBABLY A JEWISH PLACENTA. 60 00:02:40,793 --> 00:02:43,462 A JEWISH SHEEP'S PLACENTA THAT IS. 61 00:02:43,495 --> 00:02:46,732 ♪ SOME FOLKS LIKE TO STAY AT HOME ♪ 62 00:02:46,765 --> 00:02:50,936 ♪ SOME FOLKS LIKE TO BE ALONE ♪ 63 00:02:50,970 --> 00:02:54,440 ♪ SO WHEN THEY FINALLY COME OUT OF THEIR NESTS ♪ 64 00:02:54,473 --> 00:02:58,945 ♪ I'VE GOT TO TURN IT ON I'VE GOT TO BE MY BEST ♪ 65 00:02:58,978 --> 00:03:00,980 Dottie: AS SHE'S APPLYING THE LENGTHENER... 66 00:03:01,013 --> 00:03:03,616 CAN YOU SEE THAT? YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING? 67 00:03:03,649 --> 00:03:05,418 MEN ARE GATHERING. 68 00:03:03,649 --> 00:03:05,418 REALLY? 69 00:03:05,451 --> 00:03:07,320 THEY ARE? 70 00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:09,589 LIKE OXEN TO THE WATERING HOLE. 71 00:03:09,622 --> 00:03:13,259 ♪ WHEN I'M IN THE SPOTLIGHT IT'S GOT TO BE A HOT NIGHT ♪ 72 00:03:13,292 --> 00:03:15,928 ♪ EVEN WHEN I'M FEELING DOWN ♪ 73 00:03:15,961 --> 00:03:18,931 THIS IS THE VERY LATEST DEVELOPMENT FOR MAKING SURE 74 00:03:18,964 --> 00:03:21,934 THAT NO ONE CAN GUESS THAT YOU, EVELYN, COULD POSSIBLY HAVE A 75 00:03:21,967 --> 00:03:25,504 DAUGHTER AT THE ADVANCED AGE OF, WHAT ARE YOU SWEETHEART, 35? 76 00:03:25,537 --> 00:03:27,340 32. 77 00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:29,608 SHE COULD BE 32. 78 00:03:29,642 --> 00:03:32,278 IT'S THE SUN, RIGHT DARLING? IT KILLS THE SKIN. 79 00:03:32,311 --> 00:03:34,847 DON'T GO TO FLORIDA ANYMORE. 80 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:38,451 ♪ I'VE WON SOME AND I HAVE LOST ♪ 81 00:03:38,484 --> 00:03:42,288 ♪ BUT WHAT I ENJOYED THE MOST ♪ 82 00:03:42,321 --> 00:03:45,958 ♪ IS NEVER KNOWING HOW THE EVENING WILL END ♪ 83 00:03:45,991 --> 00:03:50,463 ♪ WILL I BE THE JOKE OR THE COMEDIAN ♪ 84 00:03:50,496 --> 00:03:51,530 Dottie: I WAS READING THIS ARTICLE, 85 00:03:51,563 --> 00:03:53,732 "WHAT DO MEN REALLY WANT IN A WOMAN?" 86 00:03:53,766 --> 00:03:56,269 WHAT DO THEY WANT? WHAT? 87 00:03:56,302 --> 00:03:58,938 THE NUMBER ONE RESPONSE, LONG EYELASHES. 88 00:03:58,971 --> 00:04:02,375 YOU THINK I'M KIDDING? WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 89 00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:06,445 ♪ WHEN I'M IN THE SPOTLIGHT IT'S GOT TO BE A HOT NIGHT ♪ 90 00:04:06,478 --> 00:04:08,848 ♪ EVEN WHEN I'M SHIVERING COLD ♪ 91 00:04:06,478 --> 00:04:08,848 WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SWEETHEART? 92 00:04:11,950 --> 00:04:14,619 In Unison: IF YOU'RE TIRED AND FEELING DROOPY, 93 00:04:14,653 --> 00:04:16,622 SETTLE DOWN AND JUST RELAX, 94 00:04:16,654 --> 00:04:18,757 PUT YOUR FEET UP ON THE BATHTUB, 95 00:04:18,791 --> 00:04:20,660 USE EXFOLIATING WAX. 96 00:04:20,692 --> 00:04:23,929 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 97 00:04:23,962 --> 00:04:27,466 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 98 00:04:27,499 --> 00:04:29,635 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 99 00:04:29,668 --> 00:04:32,638 YOU KNOW, SWEETHEART, YOU HAVE A LITTLE TINY RED SPOT RIGHT HERE. 100 00:04:32,671 --> 00:04:34,907 I'M SURE IT'S NERVES. BUT I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE FOR YOU 101 00:04:34,940 --> 00:04:37,343 IN CASE IT SPREADS OVER YOUR ENTIRE BODY. 102 00:04:37,376 --> 00:04:40,078 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 103 00:04:40,112 --> 00:04:42,948 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 104 00:04:42,981 --> 00:04:45,751 TRUST ME, WHEN I SAY BIBBITY-BOBBETTY-BOO, JESSICA, 105 00:04:45,784 --> 00:04:48,621 YOU ARE NO LONGER A PUMPKIN. YOU ARE A COACH. 106 00:04:48,654 --> 00:04:51,090 JASON FINKELMAN IS GONNA TAKE ONE LOOK AT YOUR EYES 107 00:04:51,123 --> 00:04:53,092 AND FORGET ABOUT VALERIE NOVAK. 108 00:04:53,125 --> 00:04:55,761 AM I EXAGGERATING? NO, I AM NOT EXAGGERATING. 109 00:04:55,794 --> 00:05:00,399 AM I ERICA? NEVER MIND. 110 00:05:00,432 --> 00:05:01,834 IF SHE WORE A LITTLE MAKEUP... 111 00:05:01,867 --> 00:05:03,569 I AM NEVER, EVER WEARING MAKEUP. 112 00:05:03,602 --> 00:05:05,638 HER EYES WOULDN'T LOOK SO BEADY. 113 00:05:05,671 --> 00:05:08,974 LAY OFF YOUR SISTER, OPAL. ERICA IS JUST LIKE ME. 114 00:05:09,007 --> 00:05:12,978 AND EVENTUALLY SHE'S GOING TO COME INTO HER OWN, JUST THE WAY I DID. 115 00:05:13,011 --> 00:05:16,615 I WAS 14 YEARS OLD-- DON'T CHEW YOUR HAIR, SWEETHEART-- 116 00:05:16,648 --> 00:05:18,818 I WAS SENT OFF TO CAMP... 117 00:05:18,851 --> 00:05:21,620 RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS STORY BEFORE. 118 00:05:21,653 --> 00:05:23,856 EVERYONE ELSE SPENT THE SUMMER DOING ARCHERY. 119 00:05:23,889 --> 00:05:26,625 I SPENT THE SUMMER LOOKING IN THE MIRROR. 120 00:05:26,658 --> 00:05:29,628 AND I REALIZED THIS IS IT, 121 00:05:29,661 --> 00:05:31,964 YOU'D BETTER MAKE THE BEST OF IT. 122 00:05:31,997 --> 00:05:35,468 AND EVER SINCE I HAVE MADE THE BEST OF IT. 123 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:38,770 WITH ONLY A BRIEF DETOUR INTO TOTAL FOLLY, 124 00:05:38,804 --> 00:05:41,640 BUT LET'S LEAVE YOUR FATHER OUT OF THIS. 125 00:05:41,673 --> 00:05:45,978 THE POINT IS, ERICA, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE A CONVENTIONAL BEAUTY. 126 00:05:46,011 --> 00:05:48,781 BUT YOU ARE GOING TO BE SPECIAL. I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE IT. 127 00:05:48,814 --> 00:05:51,450 I THOUGHT YOU ALREADY READ THAT BOOK? 128 00:05:51,483 --> 00:05:53,652 SHE'S READ IT SIX TIMES. 129 00:05:53,685 --> 00:05:56,122 OPAL, PLEASE, WOULD YOU GET OFF YOUR SISTER'S BACK? 130 00:05:56,155 --> 00:05:58,090 ( doorbell rings ) 131 00:05:58,123 --> 00:06:00,960 WHO IS IT? 132 00:05:58,123 --> 00:06:00,960 THE VCR REPAIR MAN, THANK GOD. 133 00:06:00,993 --> 00:06:04,029 WELL, YOU BE CAREFUL WITH HIM. HE STEPS ONE FOOT IN THE DOOR, 134 00:06:04,062 --> 00:06:06,832 IT'S A $32 MINIMUM. 135 00:06:04,062 --> 00:06:06,832 I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THE VCR WORKING. 136 00:06:06,865 --> 00:06:09,101 I HAVE TO TAPE OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTS. 137 00:06:09,134 --> 00:06:11,103 I HAVE TO STUDY TIMING. DELIVERY. BESIDES, 138 00:06:11,136 --> 00:06:14,673 IT'S A BUSINESS EXPENSE. I CAN DEDUCT IT. 139 00:06:11,136 --> 00:06:14,673 FROM WHAT? 140 00:06:14,706 --> 00:06:17,777 IT'S FATE. TOTALLY FATE. 141 00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:19,779 I DON'T SEE THAT. 142 00:06:19,812 --> 00:06:21,781 THE VCR COULD HAVE BROKEN AT ANY TIME. 143 00:06:21,814 --> 00:06:24,483 WHEN DOES IT BREAK? THURSDAY. 144 00:06:21,814 --> 00:06:24,483 SO? 145 00:06:24,516 --> 00:06:27,486 THE DAY BEFORE THE VCR REPAIRMAN IS GOING TO SEE 146 00:06:27,519 --> 00:06:29,955 HIS FIRST COUSIN, AN AGENT, SO HE CAN TELL HIM ABOUT ME, 147 00:06:29,988 --> 00:06:32,625 WHO HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THE DAY BEFORE. 148 00:06:32,658 --> 00:06:34,827 WHAT'S AN AGENT? 149 00:06:34,860 --> 00:06:36,829 WELL, YOU KNOW HOW A ROBBER CRACKS OPEN A SAFE? 150 00:06:36,862 --> 00:06:39,632 WELL, AN AGENT IS SOMEONE WHO CRACKS OPEN YOUR CAREER. 151 00:06:39,665 --> 00:06:41,767 SO, WHO ELSE IS HE AN AGENT FOR? 152 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,637 OH, MANY JACKIES YOU NEVER EVEN HEARD OF. 153 00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:47,640 SO WHY IS HE SEEING YOU? 154 00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:47,640 BECAUSE HIS COUSIN ASKED HIM TO. 155 00:06:47,673 --> 00:06:50,643 THIS IS IMPORTANT. LISTEN CAREFULLY, GIRLS. THIS IS A LIFE LESSON. 156 00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:53,111 EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS ONLY TWO PHONE CALLS AWAY 157 00:06:53,145 --> 00:06:55,647 FROM EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. 158 00:06:55,681 --> 00:06:57,983 YOU JUST HAVE TO KNOW WHO THE PHONE CALLS ARE. 159 00:06:58,016 --> 00:07:00,486 PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME. START. 160 00:07:00,519 --> 00:07:03,789 OH, RIGHT. LIKE I'M ONLY TWO PHONE CALLS AWAY FROM J.D. SALINGER. 161 00:07:03,822 --> 00:07:06,792 OH, I'M SURE YOU ARE. 162 00:07:03,822 --> 00:07:06,792 MOM, I DON'T EVEN THINK HE HAS A PHONE. 163 00:07:06,825 --> 00:07:09,027 OF COURSE HE HAS A PHONE. HE DATES. 164 00:07:09,061 --> 00:07:12,998 Man: ( laughing ) 165 00:07:13,031 --> 00:07:15,801 HE'S LAUGHING. THAT'S GOOD, ISN'T IT? 166 00:07:15,834 --> 00:07:18,671 MAYBE HE'S JUST POLITE. 167 00:07:18,704 --> 00:07:21,774 YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE YOUR KIDS THINK YOU'RE FUNNY DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE. 168 00:07:25,143 --> 00:07:27,179 THANKS FOR COMING IN. 169 00:07:25,143 --> 00:07:27,179 WELL, THANKS FOR YOUR TIME. 170 00:07:27,212 --> 00:07:28,881 YOU BET. 171 00:07:31,016 --> 00:07:33,652 IS HE GONNA BE YOUR AGENT? 172 00:07:31,016 --> 00:07:33,652 SOME DAY. 173 00:07:33,685 --> 00:07:36,655 SOME DAY HE'S GOING TO BEG TO BE MY AGENT. 174 00:07:36,688 --> 00:07:38,890 I KNEW IT. 175 00:07:36,688 --> 00:07:38,890 BUT HE WAS LAUGHING. 176 00:07:43,829 --> 00:07:47,500 SUPPOSE DAD SEES MOM ON TV? 177 00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:51,504 I DON'T THINK WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT JUST YET, OPAL. 178 00:07:51,537 --> 00:07:55,508 OKAY, BUT IF SHE GETS AN AGENT AND GETS FAMOUS 179 00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:58,143 AND BECOMES A GUEST STAR ON SOMETHING. 180 00:07:58,176 --> 00:08:01,013 LIKE SUPPOSE HE'S SITTING HOME ONE DAY AND WATCHING 181 00:08:01,046 --> 00:08:04,984 THE $25,000 PYRAMID SHOW AND SUDDENLY SEES MOM? 182 00:08:05,017 --> 00:08:07,653 AND SUDDENLY REMEMBERS HE HAS CHILDREN? 183 00:08:07,686 --> 00:08:10,756 AND COMES TO SEE US. 184 00:08:07,686 --> 00:08:10,756 I DON'T THINK SO, OPAL. 185 00:08:13,825 --> 00:08:15,760 I CAN HARDLY REMEMBER HIM. 186 00:08:17,162 --> 00:08:19,131 I KNOW. 187 00:08:19,164 --> 00:08:21,534 SOME DAYS I SCRUNCH UP MY EYES 188 00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:25,004 AND I CAN'T EVEN GET HIS FACE TO FLOAT INTO MY BRAIN PAN. 189 00:08:25,037 --> 00:08:27,138 THERE'S JUST THIS BIG BLANK SCREEN. 190 00:08:27,172 --> 00:08:30,309 DARLINGS, JUST FORGET ABOUT HIM. YOUR MOTHER'S THE ONE 191 00:08:30,342 --> 00:08:33,011 WHO KEEPS THIS WHOLE KIT AND CABOODLE TOGETHER. 192 00:08:33,044 --> 00:08:35,813 YOUR MOTHER WORKS HER FINGERS TO THE BONE ALL WEEK LONG. 193 00:08:35,847 --> 00:08:39,318 In Unison: WE KNOW. WE KNOW. 194 00:08:39,351 --> 00:08:43,155 BUT WHAT WAS HE LIKE? I DON'T WANT TO KNOW HIM AGAIN, 195 00:08:43,188 --> 00:08:46,125 BUT AREN'T THERE THINGS WE SHOULD KNOW? 196 00:08:43,188 --> 00:08:46,125 LIKE WHAT? 197 00:08:46,158 --> 00:08:50,029 LIKE, DID ANYONE IN HIS FAMILY HAVE DIABETES OR ANYTHING? 198 00:08:50,062 --> 00:08:53,332 I HAVE NO IDEA. HOW SHOULD I KNOW? 199 00:08:53,365 --> 00:08:58,003 YES, THERE IS DIABETES. NO, THERE ISN'T DIABETES. WHAT DIFFERENCE IS IT? 200 00:08:58,036 --> 00:09:01,006 IT WAS A MISTAKE FOR YOUR MOTHER TO MARRY HIM. 201 00:09:01,039 --> 00:09:04,143 SHE ONLY MARRIED HIM TO PROVE SHE COULD GET SOMEBODY TO MARRY HER. 202 00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:06,679 WHO WAS SHE PROVING IT TO? 203 00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:06,679 HER MOTHER. 204 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:09,682 HER MOTHER WAS DEAD. 205 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:09,682 ONLY IN THE TECHNICAL SENSE. 206 00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:12,985 YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER HAD A FIGHT AT THEIR OWN WEDDING RECEPTION. 207 00:09:13,018 --> 00:09:15,821 ASIDE FROM THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY PARTY. 208 00:09:15,854 --> 00:09:18,824 $15 PER PERSON BUT WORTH CONSIDERABLY MORE. 209 00:09:18,857 --> 00:09:20,826 ALL THEY DID WAS FIGHT. 210 00:09:20,859 --> 00:09:23,696 FISHKA FISHKA FOON. 211 00:09:20,859 --> 00:09:23,696 WHAT? 212 00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:26,865 THAT'S WHAT WE USED TO SAY SO WE WOULDN'T HEAR THEM FIGHTING. 213 00:09:26,898 --> 00:09:29,335 I DON'T REMEMBER THAT. 214 00:09:29,368 --> 00:09:31,937 FISHKA FISHKA FOON. FISHKA FISHKA FOON. FISHKA FISHKA FOON. 215 00:09:31,970 --> 00:09:34,273 ERICA! 216 00:09:31,970 --> 00:09:34,273 FISHKA FISHKA-- 217 00:09:34,306 --> 00:09:36,675 ERICA, NOW LISTEN TO ME. 218 00:09:36,708 --> 00:09:38,810 YOU GIRLS ARE THE ONLY GOOD GOOD THING 219 00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:41,313 TO COME FROM THAT MARRIAGE. 220 00:09:41,346 --> 00:09:43,816 NOW COME HERE, MADAM FIFI. 221 00:09:43,849 --> 00:09:47,820 HMM-HMM. SALTY KISS. 222 00:09:47,853 --> 00:09:50,256 AND YOU, MY TCHOTCHKKELA. 223 00:09:51,857 --> 00:09:53,826 OOOO! 224 00:09:53,859 --> 00:09:56,829 NOW GO TO SLEEP. 225 00:09:56,862 --> 00:09:58,798 GOODNIGHT. 226 00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:06,138 HE HATED CARPETING. 227 00:10:06,171 --> 00:10:08,307 HE DID? 228 00:10:08,340 --> 00:10:11,010 I DON'T KNOW WHY I REMEMBER THAT. 229 00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:13,779 THE MIND IS A VERY WEIRD THING, OPAL. 230 00:10:16,715 --> 00:10:19,018 THERE WAS THIS DOG THAT LIVED ACROSS THE STREET 231 00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:21,320 NAMED TRISCUIT. AND YOU USED TO THINK 232 00:10:21,353 --> 00:10:24,022 THAT BOYS' PENISES LOOK LIKE TRISCUIT'S PENIS, 233 00:10:24,056 --> 00:10:26,325 KIND OF LIKE A CRAYOLA BUT RETRACTABLE. 234 00:10:26,358 --> 00:10:28,694 I NEVER THOUGHT THAT. 235 00:10:26,358 --> 00:10:28,694 YES, YOU DID. 236 00:10:28,727 --> 00:10:30,696 I DIDN'T. 237 00:10:28,727 --> 00:10:30,696 YES, YOU DID. 238 00:10:30,729 --> 00:10:33,165 I DID NOT. 239 00:10:30,729 --> 00:10:33,165 GOODNIGHT, OPAL. 240 00:10:33,198 --> 00:10:35,167 I DIDN'T THINK THAT. I DID NOT THINK THAT. 241 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,269 I KNOW I DIDN'T THINK THAT. 242 00:10:37,302 --> 00:10:40,706 Erica: ANYWAY, THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE. 243 00:10:40,739 --> 00:10:43,008 WE WERE A NORMAL FAMILY IN OUR OWN PECULIAR WAY. 244 00:10:43,041 --> 00:10:44,209 HELLO. 245 00:10:44,242 --> 00:10:47,445 AND THEN, JUST LIKE THAT, AUNT HARRIET DIED. 246 00:10:47,479 --> 00:10:50,816 SHE DIED FAST. IT WAS OVER LIKE THAT. 247 00:10:50,849 --> 00:10:53,686 IT WASN'T A LONG AND PAINFUL DEATH. 248 00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:57,156 Dottie: SWEETHEART, SHE DIED IN LOEHMANN'S. 249 00:10:57,189 --> 00:11:00,025 SHE HAD A HEART ATTACK IN ONE OF THOSE DRESSING ROOMS 250 00:11:00,058 --> 00:11:02,394 WITH 29 OTHER WOMEN IN HER GIRDLE AND BRA. 251 00:11:02,427 --> 00:11:05,698 AND WHEN IT WAS OVER, NO ONE KNEW WHICH CLOTHES WERE HERS. 252 00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:08,033 THEY HAD TO DRESS HER IN NEW CLOTHES 253 00:11:08,066 --> 00:11:10,703 BUT THEY FORGOT TO REMOVE THOSE BIG WHITE BURGLAR TAGS, 254 00:11:10,736 --> 00:11:12,705 AND WHEN THEY CARRIED AUNT HARRIET OUT 255 00:11:12,738 --> 00:11:16,175 SHE SET OFF ALL THE STORE ALARMS. REALLY. 256 00:11:16,208 --> 00:11:20,713 NO. NOT REALLY. LISTEN. WE WERE ALL WRECKS. 257 00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:22,180 WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO. 258 00:11:22,214 --> 00:11:24,383 BUT...BUT... 259 00:11:24,416 --> 00:11:27,186 WELL, EVERY PROBLEM IS AN OPPORTUNITY, ISN'T IT? 260 00:11:27,219 --> 00:11:29,855 I MEAN, YOU KNOW, LET'S BE HONEST ABOUT THIS. 261 00:11:29,888 --> 00:11:32,991 YOUR AUNT LEFT YOU HER HOUSE 262 00:11:33,024 --> 00:11:35,294 SO THAT YOU CAN CONTINUE TO LIVE IN COMFORT. 263 00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:37,963 HOW MUCH IS IT WORTH? 264 00:11:37,996 --> 00:11:40,499 SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT YOU AND THE CHILDREN 265 00:11:40,532 --> 00:11:43,168 SHOULD LIVE WITHOUT DISRUPTION. 266 00:11:43,201 --> 00:11:45,104 IS IT 80,000? 120,000? 267 00:11:47,239 --> 00:11:50,042 AH, SLIGHTLY MORE THAN THAT. YOU SEE THERE'S NO MORTGAGE 268 00:11:50,075 --> 00:11:52,978 SO YOU'D ONLY BE PAYING THE CARRYING COST, THE HEAT, THE UTILITIES AND SO FORTH. 269 00:11:53,011 --> 00:11:56,048 SO I COULD SELL IT? I COULD SELL IT. 270 00:11:56,081 --> 00:11:59,852 I COULD TAKE THE MONEY AND I COULD SEE... 271 00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,354 WHAT? 272 00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,354 I COULD. 273 00:12:02,387 --> 00:12:04,857 I COULD. I COULD DO IT. 274 00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:07,526 I COULD DO IT. 275 00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:11,863 UM, HOW MUCH MORE THAN 120,000 DO YOU FIGURE? 276 00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:14,399 SLIGHTLY, SLIGHTLY. 277 00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:14,399 SLIGHTLY? SLIGHTLY? 278 00:12:14,432 --> 00:12:17,336 SLIGHTLY COULD BE A LOT MORE. 279 00:12:17,369 --> 00:12:19,338 I WANT TO PUT UP THE HOUSE FOR SALE IMMEDIATELY. 280 00:12:19,371 --> 00:12:21,807 DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP ME WITH THAT? 281 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,843 WHERE IS MY PURSE? WHERE IS MY PURSE? 282 00:12:24,876 --> 00:12:27,045 YOU LEFT IT IN THE CAR. 283 00:12:27,078 --> 00:12:29,348 SWEETHEART, DON'T CHEW YOUR HAIR. 284 00:12:29,381 --> 00:12:32,117 COME ON, GIRLS. COME ON. LET'S GET IN THE CAR. 285 00:12:37,055 --> 00:12:40,324 OKAY. FOLD ON THAT SUITCASE THERE. 286 00:12:40,358 --> 00:12:42,426 I GOT MY... ( mumbling ) 287 00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:44,563 JERK. 288 00:12:44,596 --> 00:12:47,366 JUST 'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEE AGAIN. 289 00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:49,368 SHE HAS FRIENDS. 290 00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:49,368 NO, I DON'T. 291 00:12:49,401 --> 00:12:51,137 WELL, YOU WILL IN MANHATTAN. 292 00:12:57,876 --> 00:13:00,279 COME HERE, A THREE-WAY HUG. COME ON. 293 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,116 ALL RIGHT. LET'S BURN RUBBER. 294 00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:12,858 OKAY, HERE WE GO. 295 00:13:12,891 --> 00:13:15,861 THINK OF IT AS AN ADVENTURE, GIRLS. 296 00:13:15,894 --> 00:13:17,830 ( tires squealing ) 297 00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:27,540 ♪ OH, YOU CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN ♪ 298 00:13:28,907 --> 00:13:30,909 COME ON. 299 00:13:30,942 --> 00:13:33,378 ♪ OH, YOU CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN ♪ 300 00:13:30,942 --> 00:13:33,378 ♪ OH, YOU CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN ♪ 301 00:13:33,411 --> 00:13:36,214 ♪ IF YOU WORK IN A STORE ♪ 302 00:13:33,411 --> 00:13:36,214 ♪ IF YOU WORK IN A STORE ♪ 303 00:13:36,248 --> 00:13:37,516 ♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU WORK IN A STORE ♪ 304 00:13:37,549 --> 00:13:38,851 ♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU WORK IN A STORE ♪ 305 00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:40,452 ♪ YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT A PORE ♪ 306 00:13:40,485 --> 00:13:42,187 ♪ YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT A PORE ♪ 307 00:13:42,220 --> 00:13:44,523 ♪ OH, YOU CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN IF YOU WORK IN A STORE ♪ 308 00:13:44,556 --> 00:13:46,892 ♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU WORK IN A STORE YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT A PORE ♪ 309 00:13:46,925 --> 00:13:50,329 ♪ I AIN'T GONNA GRIEVE MY LORD NO MORE ♪ 310 00:13:52,564 --> 00:13:54,031 ♪ OH, YOU CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN ♪ 311 00:13:54,065 --> 00:13:55,367 ♪ OH, YOU CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN ♪ 312 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,069 ♪ WITH OPAL'S FRIENDS ♪ 313 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,069 ♪ WITH OPAL'S FRIENDS ♪ 314 00:13:58,103 --> 00:14:00,539 ♪ 'CAUSE OPAL'S FRIENDS ♪ 315 00:13:58,103 --> 00:14:00,539 ♪ 'CAUSE OPAL'S FRIENDS ♪ 316 00:14:00,572 --> 00:14:04,076 ♪ ALL HAVE SPLIT ENDS ♪ 317 00:14:00,572 --> 00:14:04,076 ♪ ALL HAVE SPLIT ENDS ♪ 318 00:14:04,109 --> 00:14:06,545 ♪ OH, YOU CAN'T GET TO HEAVEN WITH OPAL'S FRIENDS ♪ 319 00:14:06,578 --> 00:14:09,081 ♪ 'CAUSE OPAL'S FRIENDS ALL HAVE SPLIT ENDS ♪ 320 00:14:09,114 --> 00:14:12,885 ♪ OH, I AIN'T GONNA GRIEVE MY LORD NO MORE ♪ 321 00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:14,953 ♪ OH, YOU CAN'T GET TO HEAVEN ♪ 322 00:14:14,986 --> 00:14:16,221 ♪ OH, YOU CAN'T GET TO HEAVEN ♪ 323 00:14:16,254 --> 00:14:19,057 ♪ WITH ERICA'S HAIR ♪ 324 00:14:16,254 --> 00:14:19,057 ♪ WITH ERICA'S HAIR ♪ 325 00:14:19,090 --> 00:14:20,659 'CAUSE SHE'LL CHEW IT UP AND SWALLOW IT 326 00:14:20,692 --> 00:14:23,295 AND MAKE A BIG GLOB OF HAIR IN HER STOMACH. 327 00:14:23,328 --> 00:14:26,365 ♪ SO IF YOU LIVE IN QUEENS YOU'RE FULL OF BEANS ♪ 328 00:14:26,398 --> 00:14:29,434 ♪ 'CAUSE MOM'S HIGH HEELS NEED TRAINING WHEELS ♪ 329 00:14:29,467 --> 00:14:32,204 ♪ 'CAUSE ERICA'S GLASSES ♪ 330 00:14:29,467 --> 00:14:32,204 ♪ 'CAUSE ERICA'S GLASSES ♪ 331 00:14:32,237 --> 00:14:34,006 ♪ LOOK TERRIBLE ♪ 332 00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:36,641 ♪ 'CAUSE THIS FAMILY ALWAYS HAS TO PEE ♪ 333 00:14:36,675 --> 00:14:39,210 ♪ 'CAUSE DOTTIE'S GIRLS ♪ 334 00:14:36,675 --> 00:14:39,210 ♪ 'CAUSE DOTTIE'S GIRLS ♪ 335 00:14:39,244 --> 00:14:41,213 ♪ ARE PRECIOUS PEARLS ♪ 336 00:14:41,246 --> 00:14:44,549 Carly Simon: ♪ YOU'RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ♪ 337 00:14:44,582 --> 00:14:47,987 ♪ YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ♪ 338 00:14:50,622 --> 00:14:53,558 ♪ YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ♪ 339 00:14:53,591 --> 00:14:57,329 ♪ YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ♪ 340 00:14:59,431 --> 00:15:04,369 ♪ FROM THE MOMENT I FIRST SAW YOU ♪ 341 00:15:04,402 --> 00:15:08,206 ♪ THE SECOND THAT YOU WERE BORN ♪ 342 00:15:08,239 --> 00:15:12,210 ♪ I KNEW THAT YOU WERE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ♪ 343 00:15:12,243 --> 00:15:14,346 ♪ QUITE SIMPLY ♪ 344 00:15:14,379 --> 00:15:17,182 ♪ THE LOVE ♪ 345 00:15:17,215 --> 00:15:21,186 ♪ OF MY LIFE ♪ 346 00:15:21,219 --> 00:15:25,390 ♪ I LOVE LUCY ♪ 347 00:15:25,423 --> 00:15:30,395 ♪ AND PUMPERNICKEL BREAD ♪ 348 00:15:30,428 --> 00:15:35,233 ♪ THE STATUE OF LIBERTY ♪ 349 00:15:35,266 --> 00:15:37,569 ♪ THE STANDING OVATIONS ♪ 350 00:15:37,602 --> 00:15:42,207 ♪ AND FALLING INTO BED ♪ 351 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:47,079 ♪ BUT GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD ♪ 352 00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:49,680 ♪ THAT YOU'RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ♪ 353 00:15:49,714 --> 00:15:54,186 ♪ YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ♪ 354 00:15:54,219 --> 00:15:57,089 IT'S FATE. IT'S FATE. THE RABBI WHO DID THE FUNERAL 355 00:15:57,122 --> 00:16:00,092 HAS A SISTER WHO USED TO BE MARRIED TO THE LANDLORD OF THIS BUILDING. 356 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:03,228 EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS ONLY TWO PHONE CALLS AWAY... 357 00:16:03,261 --> 00:16:06,098 In Unison: FROM EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. 358 00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:07,766 SO THEN I ASKED MARTIN, DO YOU KNOW A HOUSEPAINTER 359 00:16:07,799 --> 00:16:10,736 AND HE SAID... 360 00:16:07,799 --> 00:16:10,736 MY COUSIN. 361 00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:13,305 SEE? DO YOU SEE THAT, IT'S AMAZING. 362 00:16:13,338 --> 00:16:16,708 RUBY'S BROTHER IS A POLICEMAN, BUT ON THE SIDE HE DOES FLOORS. 363 00:16:16,741 --> 00:16:19,578 THE LIVING ROOM IS HUGE. 364 00:16:16,741 --> 00:16:19,578 YEP. 365 00:16:19,611 --> 00:16:21,580 WHERE ARE THE BEDROOMS? 366 00:16:19,611 --> 00:16:21,580 DOWN THERE. 367 00:16:21,613 --> 00:16:23,582 YOU CAN HAVE ANYONE BUT THE BIG ONE. 368 00:16:23,615 --> 00:16:25,550 Erica: I GOT DIBS ON THE MIDDLE BEDROOM. 369 00:16:25,583 --> 00:16:28,219 Opal: I LIKE THIS ONE. THIS ONE'S MINE. 370 00:16:28,253 --> 00:16:30,722 I LOVE THIS BEDROOM. 371 00:16:28,253 --> 00:16:30,722 THE KITCHEN'S GREAT. 372 00:16:30,755 --> 00:16:33,525 THE LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS, HERE WE COME. OKAY! 373 00:16:33,558 --> 00:16:36,661 HUP, HUP, OOO-DA! 374 00:16:36,694 --> 00:16:39,664 GOOD WORK. YOU ONLY BROKE A COUPLE OF THINGS. 375 00:16:39,697 --> 00:16:42,667 AND THE MING VASE WAS A FAKE ANYWAY, SO...HUH... 376 00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:45,671 YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. THANKS AGAIN. BYE-BYE. 377 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:04,583 YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU BEEN 378 00:18:04,616 --> 00:18:06,819 GOING HERE YOUR WHOLE LIFE. COME HERE. BIG SQUEEZE. 379 00:18:09,754 --> 00:18:11,689 LOVE YOU. 380 00:18:09,754 --> 00:18:11,689 BYE. 381 00:18:13,291 --> 00:18:15,828 ERICA. ERICA. DON'T CHEW YOUR HAIR. 382 00:18:23,468 --> 00:18:26,605 Dottie: ALL THE GREAT COMEDIANS, I'M TALKING ABOUT THE LEGENDS, 383 00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:29,274 THEY ALL HAVE SOMETHING THAT MAKES THEM UNFORGETTABLE, 384 00:18:29,307 --> 00:18:31,576 LUCILLE BALL; RED HAIR, 385 00:18:31,609 --> 00:18:35,780 JACKIE GLEASON; FAT. W.C. FIELDS; NOSE. 386 00:18:35,813 --> 00:18:38,250 WHAT DOES ROBIN WILLIAMS HAVE? 387 00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:40,552 A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF BODY HAIR. 388 00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:45,157 IT'S JUST SOMETHING SO THEY'LL REMEMBER ME. 389 00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:48,260 DOZENS OF PEOPLE JUST LIKE ME TURN UP AT THESE CLUBS EVERY WEEK. 390 00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,928 I'M THE ONE IN THE DOTS. 391 00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,928 Erica: THAT IS FOR SURE. 392 00:18:50,962 --> 00:18:53,431 Opal: ARE YOU GONNA WEAR THEM ALL THE TIME? 393 00:18:53,464 --> 00:18:54,765 I HAVEN'T DECIDED. 394 00:18:54,799 --> 00:18:57,802 MAYBE IT WON'T WORK OUT. 395 00:18:54,799 --> 00:18:57,802 DON'T YOU GIRLS WORRY. 396 00:18:57,835 --> 00:19:00,272 IT IS DEFINITELY GOING TO WORK OUT. 397 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:03,175 WHERE IS MY PURSE? JUST ONCE I WOULD LOVE 398 00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:05,744 TO BE ABLE TO WALK OUT THE DOOR AND KNOW WHERE MY PURSE IS. 399 00:19:05,777 --> 00:19:07,946 WISH ME LUCK. LOVE AND POLKA DOTS. 400 00:19:07,979 --> 00:19:09,948 Dottie: SO THAT'S HOW I STARTED 401 00:19:09,981 --> 00:19:12,818 "LOVE AND POLKA DOTS"? 402 00:19:09,981 --> 00:19:12,818 BREAK A LEG. 403 00:19:14,619 --> 00:19:16,521 Erica: SHE WENT OFF TO THE COMEDY CLUB AT NIGHT. 404 00:19:16,554 --> 00:19:18,890 FLAPJACKS! 405 00:19:18,923 --> 00:19:21,259 Dottie: AT NIGHT I WENT OFF TO THIS COMEDY CLUB 406 00:19:21,292 --> 00:19:24,763 WHERE I PERSONALLY WOULD NOT DRINK FROM THE GLASSES. 407 00:19:24,796 --> 00:19:27,666 HEY, I SAID, "FLAPJACKS"! 408 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,436 HOW WAS IT? 409 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,436 HOW WAS IT? 410 00:19:31,469 --> 00:19:33,438 DID THEY LAUGH? 411 00:19:31,469 --> 00:19:33,438 DID YOU BOMB? 412 00:19:33,471 --> 00:19:36,708 I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO TELL. 413 00:19:36,741 --> 00:19:41,246 PROMISE. 414 00:19:36,741 --> 00:19:41,246 WHO WOULD WE TELL? WE DON'T KNOW ANYBODY. 415 00:19:41,279 --> 00:19:44,950 THEY LAUGHED. THEY LAUGHED AT ME. 416 00:19:44,983 --> 00:19:47,284 Erica: AND SOMETIMES IT WAS GREAT... 417 00:19:47,318 --> 00:19:51,289 Dottie: AND BACK AGAIN BY POPULAR DEMAND, FLAPJACKS! 418 00:19:51,322 --> 00:19:53,891 Erica: AND SOMETIMES IT WASN'T. 419 00:19:53,925 --> 00:19:56,595 IT WAS AN OFF NIGHT, THAT'S ALL. WHEN YOU'RE STARTING... 420 00:19:56,628 --> 00:19:58,929 Dottie: YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT BOMBING? 421 00:19:58,963 --> 00:20:01,733 SWEETHEART, SOME NIGHTS THE AUDIENCE WAS SO DEAD, 422 00:20:01,766 --> 00:20:03,935 THEY WERE WEARING TOE TAGS. 423 00:20:03,968 --> 00:20:06,271 GOD, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO IF IT DOESN'T WORK? 424 00:20:06,304 --> 00:20:08,940 IT'LL WORK. 425 00:20:06,304 --> 00:20:08,940 YOU COULD GET MARRIED AGAIN. 426 00:20:08,973 --> 00:20:11,610 NO I COULD NOT. I'M NEVER GETTING MARRIED AGAIN. 427 00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:14,279 THE TRUTH IS I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE. 428 00:20:14,312 --> 00:20:16,747 BUT YOU LOVE US. 429 00:20:14,312 --> 00:20:16,747 THAT KIND OF LOVE, SURE. 430 00:20:16,781 --> 00:20:19,417 BETWEEN A MOTHER AND A CHILD, SURE. 431 00:20:19,450 --> 00:20:21,587 OKAY, WHO WANTS MORE? 432 00:20:23,655 --> 00:20:27,292 OH, LIGHTEN UP, ERICA. EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE. 433 00:20:27,325 --> 00:20:29,961 Erica: OKAY. IT WASN'T ALWAYS WONDERFUL. 434 00:20:29,994 --> 00:20:32,630 BUT IN THE BEGINNING WE FELT LIKE WE WERE A PART OF IT. 435 00:20:32,664 --> 00:20:34,432 YOU KNOW THE AUNT HARRIET THING WENT GREAT. 436 00:20:34,465 --> 00:20:36,601 WHAT AUNT HARRIET THING? 437 00:20:36,634 --> 00:20:38,737 I DO THIS THING ABOUT AUNT HARRIET IN HEAVEN. 438 00:20:38,770 --> 00:20:42,440 THAT WAS MY IDEA. WHAT DO YOU DO? 439 00:20:42,473 --> 00:20:44,943 WELL, YOU KNOW, AUNT HARRIET GOES TO HEAVEN 440 00:20:44,976 --> 00:20:47,445 AND DOES IT CHEAPER THAN ANYONE ELSE. 441 00:20:47,478 --> 00:20:50,515 IT'S VERY FUNNY. 442 00:20:47,478 --> 00:20:50,515 THAT WAS MY IDEA. 443 00:20:50,548 --> 00:20:53,285 WELL, WHAT ABOUT AUNT HARRIET? 444 00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:55,820 WHAT ABOUT HER? 445 00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:55,820 WHAT ABOUT HER FEELINGS? 446 00:20:55,853 --> 00:20:58,390 SHE'S DEAD, OPAL. 447 00:20:58,423 --> 00:21:00,625 PART OF BEING AN ARTIST 448 00:21:00,658 --> 00:21:03,395 IS USING THINGS THAT COME FROM YOUR LIFE. 449 00:21:05,096 --> 00:21:06,464 OH. 450 00:21:06,497 --> 00:21:10,769 ( overlapping conversations ) 451 00:21:10,802 --> 00:21:12,771 Dottie: DON'T LET ME DROP IT. 452 00:21:12,804 --> 00:21:15,640 I'M NOT IN THE MOOD TO CRY TONIGHT. 453 00:21:15,673 --> 00:21:17,609 CAN I HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING HERE? 454 00:21:17,642 --> 00:21:20,078 CAN YOU FINISH CUTTING THE CORNBREAD? 455 00:21:20,111 --> 00:21:22,747 YOU CAN PUT IT IN THE BASKET OVER THERE. 456 00:21:22,780 --> 00:21:25,083 HOW IS IT? 457 00:21:22,780 --> 00:21:25,083 VERY GOOD. 458 00:21:25,116 --> 00:21:27,619 AUNT HARRIET'S SPECIAL DRESSING. 459 00:21:27,652 --> 00:21:29,954 I'M SO GLAD I'M HERE AND NOT WITH MY FAMILY. 460 00:21:29,987 --> 00:21:32,090 THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME. RIGHT NOW ME AND MY SISTER 461 00:21:32,123 --> 00:21:34,626 WOULD BE GETTING IN TROUBLE FOR FOR MAKING FUN OF 462 00:21:34,659 --> 00:21:37,095 MY BROTHER'S WIFE WHO SQUINTS. 463 00:21:37,128 --> 00:21:39,964 HER BROTHER WOULD BE SCREAMING AT HIS KIDS 464 00:21:39,997 --> 00:21:42,634 AND MY MOTHER WOULD BE REPEATING MY DADS JOKES REALLY LOUD. 465 00:21:42,667 --> 00:21:44,769 CAN I GIVE YOU A HAND. 466 00:21:42,667 --> 00:21:44,769 YES, MARIANNE, PLEASE. 467 00:21:44,802 --> 00:21:47,639 YOU CAN TAKE THESE STRING BEANS OUT. 468 00:21:47,672 --> 00:21:51,643 OLIVER, I THINK WE NEED SOME MORE WINE IN THE REFRIGERATOR. 469 00:21:51,676 --> 00:21:53,645 DO YOU KNOW THAT LESTER'S GETTING A DIVORCE? 470 00:21:53,678 --> 00:21:55,447 WHY DID HE EVER GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE? 471 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,649 AH, HE MARRIED YOUNG. 472 00:21:57,682 --> 00:21:59,617 IT'S EASY TO GET MARRIED YOUNG. IT'S LATER THAT'S THE PROBLEM. 473 00:21:59,650 --> 00:22:02,420 WHAT IF LESTER ASKED ME OUT? 474 00:21:59,650 --> 00:22:02,420 WHAT IF HE ASKED ME OUT? 475 00:22:02,453 --> 00:22:05,090 IF I SAID NO, WILL HE EVER PUT ME IN THE LINEUP AGAIN? 476 00:22:05,123 --> 00:22:08,093 SUPPOSE MY COMEDY CAREER IS OVER BECAUSE I TURN SOMEONE DOWN 477 00:22:08,126 --> 00:22:10,762 FOR A DATE? THAT WOULD BE SO IRONIC. 478 00:22:10,795 --> 00:22:12,630 TA-DA! 479 00:22:12,663 --> 00:22:14,632 GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE... 480 00:22:14,665 --> 00:22:17,101 YOU THINK IT'S BIG ENOUGH FOR US? 481 00:22:17,135 --> 00:22:19,771 OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL! 482 00:22:19,804 --> 00:22:21,806 PLEASE HELP YOURSELF. 483 00:22:21,839 --> 00:22:24,642 SO I PUT ON THE HAT, I SAY, 484 00:22:24,675 --> 00:22:27,111 "I THINK THAT I SHOULD NEVER WISH 485 00:22:27,145 --> 00:22:30,115 A MAMMAL NOBLER THAN THE FISH." 486 00:22:30,148 --> 00:22:32,783 WHICH SORT OF SETS IT UP BECAUSE THEY REALIZE 487 00:22:32,817 --> 00:22:35,787 THAT WHAT I DO ARE COUPLETS ABOUT FISH. 488 00:22:35,820 --> 00:22:37,789 BUT A FISH ISN'T A MAMMAL. 489 00:22:37,822 --> 00:22:39,791 I KNOW, BUT NOTHING ELSE FITS THE METER. 490 00:22:39,824 --> 00:22:41,760 ALL RIGHT. THEN I HIT THEM WITH THIS, 491 00:22:41,793 --> 00:22:44,928 "MANY FOR BRAVERY PRAISE THE STATE TROOPER, 492 00:22:44,962 --> 00:22:49,033 WHILE I ADMIRE THE STATELY GROUPER." 493 00:22:49,066 --> 00:22:52,637 AND A "GROUPER" IS A... 494 00:22:52,670 --> 00:22:54,639 IT'S A FISH. 495 00:22:52,670 --> 00:22:54,639 A FISH. 496 00:22:54,672 --> 00:22:58,643 "ON SUBJECT ICHTHYOLOGICAL, I DON'T MEAN TO HARP, 497 00:22:58,676 --> 00:23:01,812 BUT WHO IS GRANDER THAN THE CARP?" 498 00:23:03,114 --> 00:23:05,083 IT'S A GOOD ONE. 499 00:23:05,116 --> 00:23:07,452 YOU DO KNOW WHAT A CARP IS? 500 00:23:07,485 --> 00:23:11,121 SURE. A CARP IS A GOLDFISH THAT COMPLAINS A LOT. 501 00:23:11,155 --> 00:23:13,992 ANYTHING SHE SAYS BELONGS TO ME. 502 00:23:14,025 --> 00:23:16,161 SEE MY PROBLEM IS I DON'T BELONG IN A COMEDY CLUB. 503 00:23:16,194 --> 00:23:19,129 I'M TOO SOPHISTICATED FOR THAT. THEY WANT SET UP, PUNCH. 504 00:23:19,163 --> 00:23:21,900 SET UP, PUNCH. SET UP, PUNCH. 505 00:23:19,163 --> 00:23:21,900 HERE'S THE HIDEOUS THING. 506 00:23:21,933 --> 00:23:24,102 SKIP "THE LOON" TYLER GOT AN AGENT. 507 00:23:24,135 --> 00:23:26,471 SKIP "THE LOON"? 508 00:23:24,135 --> 00:23:26,471 YES, HE DID. 509 00:23:26,504 --> 00:23:28,973 HE STINKS. HE DOES MY MATERIAL. 510 00:23:29,006 --> 00:23:31,643 MORTY BASHES IS HIS AGENT. 511 00:23:29,006 --> 00:23:31,643 DOES HE HAVE A CONTRACT? 512 00:23:31,676 --> 00:23:34,212 NO. HE DOESN'T HAVE PAPER IN HIS OFFICE. 513 00:23:34,245 --> 00:23:37,081 THAT'S A RUMOR. MORTY BASHES IS HIS UNCLE. THAT DOESN'T COUNT. 514 00:23:37,114 --> 00:23:40,618 I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU GUYS ARE SO HUNG UP ABOUT AGENTS. 515 00:23:40,651 --> 00:23:43,621 I HAD AN AGENT FOR FOUR YEARS. I HAD TO PAY HIM A SIGNING BONUS 516 00:23:43,654 --> 00:23:46,124 PLUS 20% COMMISSION AND HE NEVER RETURNED MY PHONE CALLS. 517 00:23:46,157 --> 00:23:50,128 I HAVE AN AGENT. 518 00:23:46,157 --> 00:23:50,128 YOU DO? THAT'S GREAT. 519 00:23:50,161 --> 00:23:52,898 CONGRATULATIONS, MOM. 520 00:23:50,161 --> 00:23:52,898 ( balloon pops ) 521 00:23:54,832 --> 00:23:56,768 WHO IS IT? 522 00:23:57,835 --> 00:23:59,237 ARNOLD MOSS. 523 00:23:59,270 --> 00:24:02,173 ARNOLD MOSS? YOU'RE KIDDING. 524 00:24:02,206 --> 00:24:03,774 MOSS HIMSELF, MOSS? 525 00:24:03,808 --> 00:24:05,777 WELL, HIS ASSISTANT, CLAUDIA CURTIS. 526 00:24:05,810 --> 00:24:07,779 OH, SHE'S GOOD. 527 00:24:07,812 --> 00:24:10,514 I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY MET MOSS HIMSELF. 528 00:24:10,548 --> 00:24:13,651 I COULDN'T IMAGINE IT WOULD BE MOSS HIMSELF. 529 00:24:13,684 --> 00:24:15,954 WELL, IF SHE MAKES IT IT WOULD BE MOSS HIMSELF. 530 00:24:15,987 --> 00:24:18,990 THAT'S GREAT, DOTTIE. CONGRATULATIONS. 531 00:24:19,023 --> 00:24:21,259 YEAH. WE'RE ALL VERY HAPPY FOR YOU. 532 00:24:21,292 --> 00:24:23,660 ( sobbing ) 533 00:24:23,694 --> 00:24:26,664 I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE HAS AN AGENT AND WE DON'T HAVE AN AGENT. 534 00:24:26,697 --> 00:24:29,501 SHE HAS AN AGENT. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I CAN'T TAKE IT. 535 00:24:29,534 --> 00:24:32,804 HEY! COME ON, EVERYBODY. THIS IS GREAT NEWS. 536 00:24:32,837 --> 00:24:35,507 THANKS, MIA. THANKS. 537 00:24:35,540 --> 00:24:38,109 ( sobbing continues ) 538 00:24:38,142 --> 00:24:41,813 I WOULDN'T SAY "TALL," BUT I'M VERY CUTE... 539 00:24:41,846 --> 00:24:44,115 HI, LESTER. 540 00:24:44,148 --> 00:24:46,684 HELLO, DOTTIE. 541 00:24:46,717 --> 00:24:48,786 GIRLS, YOU'RE GONNA SIT WITH CLAUDIA, OKAY? 542 00:24:48,819 --> 00:24:50,788 HEY, CHRIS. 543 00:24:50,821 --> 00:24:53,291 HI, THIS IS CLAUDIA CURTIS. 544 00:24:53,324 --> 00:24:55,793 THIS IS OPAL. THIS IS ERICA. 545 00:24:55,826 --> 00:24:58,296 HAVE A SEAT, SWEETIE. OKAY, SO... 546 00:24:58,329 --> 00:25:00,298 GET READY. I GOT THIS COVERED. 547 00:25:00,331 --> 00:25:03,801 I'LL SEE YOU LATER, OKAY? DON'T FORGET TO LAUGH. 548 00:25:03,834 --> 00:25:06,304 I'LL GET YOU TWO SOME DRINKS. 549 00:25:06,337 --> 00:25:08,306 I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE. 550 00:25:08,339 --> 00:25:11,309 HOW ARE YOU? 551 00:25:08,339 --> 00:25:11,309 FINE. HOW ARE YOU? 552 00:25:11,342 --> 00:25:14,112 UGH, DON'T ASK. SO WHAT ARE WE HAVING? COKES? 553 00:25:14,145 --> 00:25:17,916 YOU ALREADY HAD ONE COKE TODAY. 554 00:25:14,145 --> 00:25:17,916 SO? 555 00:25:17,949 --> 00:25:20,318 TWO COKES AND I'LL HAVE THE WHITE WINE SPRITZER, PLEASE. 556 00:25:20,351 --> 00:25:23,321 I'M BASICALLY TERRIBLE. I'M TRYING TO KICK 557 00:25:23,354 --> 00:25:27,859 MY DEPENDENCY ON MR. CAN'T-FINISH-HIS-ANALYSIS. 558 00:25:27,892 --> 00:25:30,161 I'M THINKING OF GOING TO A HYPNOTIST. 559 00:25:30,194 --> 00:25:32,263 I FIGURE THEY COULD STOP YOU FROM SMOKING, 560 00:25:32,296 --> 00:25:34,766 THEY CAN CURE YOU FROM BEING ATTRACTED TO A CRAZY PERSON 561 00:25:34,799 --> 00:25:36,801 NEARLY 20 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU. 562 00:25:36,834 --> 00:25:39,804 HI, GIRLS. 563 00:25:36,834 --> 00:25:39,804 MIA, HI, WE'RE HERE. 564 00:25:39,837 --> 00:25:43,007 HI. MIA JABLON. 565 00:25:39,837 --> 00:25:43,007 CLAUDIA CURTIS. 566 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:45,677 YOUR MOTHER IS A NERVOUS WRECK TONIGHT BECAUSE 567 00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,146 THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE EVER SEEN HER PERFORM. 568 00:25:48,179 --> 00:25:51,316 AND ARNOLD MOSS IS COMING. 569 00:25:48,179 --> 00:25:51,316 MOSS HIMSELF? 570 00:25:51,349 --> 00:25:53,318 WHEN'S OUR MOM GONNA BE ON? 571 00:25:53,351 --> 00:25:56,588 LESTER'S PUTTING HER ON FIRST BECAUSE OF YOU. 572 00:25:56,621 --> 00:25:59,758 WELL, AND BECAUSE OF ARNOLD MOSS. 573 00:25:56,621 --> 00:25:59,758 HIMSELF. 574 00:26:02,326 --> 00:26:05,029 IF YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM YOU SHOULD DO IT NOW. 575 00:26:05,062 --> 00:26:08,032 I THINK I KNOW WHEN I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, ERICA. 576 00:26:08,065 --> 00:26:11,669 WHEN MR. THERAPY-FOREVER, MR. LEGEND-IN-HIS-OWN-MIND 577 00:26:11,702 --> 00:26:14,105 SHOWS UP, HE'S ALWAYS LATE. 578 00:26:14,138 --> 00:26:17,809 I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE SEEING A FAT PERSON, DON'T YOU THINK? 579 00:26:17,842 --> 00:26:21,012 I HAD A DREAM ABOUT THIS ENORMOUS BLIMP, 580 00:26:21,045 --> 00:26:23,681 I MEAN WE'RE TALKING FOOTBALL FIELD SIZE BLIMP. 581 00:26:23,714 --> 00:26:26,117 AND YOU KNOW WHO THAT BLIMP TURNED OUT TO BE? 582 00:26:26,150 --> 00:26:29,020 Lester: OKAY, REAL CHIVAS FOR MR. MOSS FROM MY BOTTLE. 583 00:26:29,053 --> 00:26:31,689 AND COMP THE TABLE. 584 00:26:29,053 --> 00:26:31,689 THANKS, I'LL PAY. 585 00:26:31,722 --> 00:26:34,692 SO, I HOPE YOU HAVE NOT DRAGGED ME HERE TO SEE YET ANOTHER 586 00:26:34,725 --> 00:26:38,062 FEMALE COMEDIAN WHO THINKS HOUSEWIVES ARE IDENTICAL TO PROSTITUTES. 587 00:26:38,095 --> 00:26:40,164 NO, NO. 588 00:26:38,095 --> 00:26:40,164 SO WHAT AM I DOING HERE? 589 00:26:40,197 --> 00:26:42,332 DOTTIE ENGELS. REMEMBER? 590 00:26:42,366 --> 00:26:45,837 DOES SHE PRETEND TO TAKE A SHOWER? 591 00:26:42,366 --> 00:26:45,837 NO. 592 00:26:45,870 --> 00:26:48,005 IS SHE THE ONE THAT GIVES BIRTH TO A MOUSE? 593 00:26:48,039 --> 00:26:49,706 NO. 594 00:26:49,740 --> 00:26:52,043 DOTTIE ENGELS IS A VERY FUNNY PERSON. 595 00:26:52,076 --> 00:26:54,312 AND SHE DOESN'T ACT ABOUT OUR AUNT. 596 00:26:54,345 --> 00:26:57,148 ERICA HELPED HER. 597 00:26:57,181 --> 00:26:59,784 WHO ARE THESE. 598 00:26:57,181 --> 00:26:59,784 HER KIDS. 599 00:26:59,817 --> 00:27:01,953 KIDS. 600 00:27:01,986 --> 00:27:04,822 Lester: GOOD EVENING. WELCOME TO ANOTHER NIGHT OF HILARITY HERE. 601 00:27:04,855 --> 00:27:06,391 HOW ARE YOU? 602 00:27:06,424 --> 00:27:09,160 YOU ALL KNOW MY REPUTATION FOR BRINGING THE FRESHEST, 603 00:27:09,193 --> 00:27:11,863 THE FINEST, FUNNY PEOPLE TO THE FOREFRONT. 604 00:27:11,896 --> 00:27:15,033 TONIGHT IS NO EXCEPTION BECAUSE THIS LADY IS EXCEPTIONAL. 605 00:27:15,066 --> 00:27:17,702 SHE'S GONNA TICKLE YOUR HEART AND BREAK YOU FUNNY BONE. 606 00:27:17,735 --> 00:27:19,837 PLEASE WELCOME DOTTIE ENGELS. 607 00:27:19,870 --> 00:27:24,108 ( applause ) 608 00:27:24,141 --> 00:27:26,645 THANK YOU, LESTER. THANK YOU. 609 00:27:28,879 --> 00:27:32,716 OKAY, THIS IS MY LIFE. UNTIL SIX MONTHS AGO, 610 00:27:32,750 --> 00:27:34,686 I WAS WORKING THE MAKEUP COUNTER 611 00:27:34,719 --> 00:27:36,821 AT THE MACY'S ON QUEENS BOULEVARD. 612 00:27:36,854 --> 00:27:39,023 NOW, I'M NOT PROUD OF THIS, 613 00:27:39,056 --> 00:27:42,160 BUT I HAVE ACTUALLY CONVINCED A WOMAN TO BUY PLACENTA CREAM. 614 00:27:42,193 --> 00:27:43,695 ( laughter ) 615 00:27:43,728 --> 00:27:45,863 I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS, DO YOU? 616 00:27:45,896 --> 00:27:48,866 I MEAN, I KNOW HOW THEY INVENTED A GRILLED STEAK. 617 00:27:48,899 --> 00:27:50,868 A PIECE OF MEAT FELL INTO THE FIRE. 618 00:27:50,901 --> 00:27:55,707 BUT HOW DID THEY FIND OUT THAT PUTTING PLACENTAS ON YOUR FACE 619 00:27:55,740 --> 00:27:58,843 MADE YOU LOOK YOUNGER. I CAN'T IMAGINE. 620 00:27:58,876 --> 00:28:01,045 SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD 621 00:28:01,078 --> 00:28:03,848 THERE'S A 90-YEAR-OLD OBSTETRICIAN WHO LOOKS LIKE 20. 622 00:28:03,881 --> 00:28:06,851 RIGHT? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? 623 00:28:06,884 --> 00:28:09,287 IT'S A GIRL. IT'S A GIRL. 624 00:28:10,888 --> 00:28:14,492 AND I LOOK STUNNING. 625 00:28:14,525 --> 00:28:17,495 ( laughter and applause ) 626 00:28:17,528 --> 00:28:20,031 Erica: THE FIRST NIGHT I SAW MY MOM PERFORM 627 00:28:20,064 --> 00:28:22,867 I WAS THE MOST NERVOUS I EVER WAS IN MY LIFE. 628 00:28:22,900 --> 00:28:25,503 BUT SHE GOT UP AND SHE WAS SO FUNNY, 629 00:28:25,536 --> 00:28:28,473 AND EVERYONE WAS LAUGHING, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. 630 00:28:28,506 --> 00:28:32,176 IT WAS MY MOM UP THERE. I MEAN, I KNEW IT WAS MY MOM, 631 00:28:32,209 --> 00:28:34,178 BUT IT WASN'T. 632 00:28:34,211 --> 00:28:36,514 IT WAS LIKE SHE WAS SOMEONE ELSE, TOO. 633 00:28:36,547 --> 00:28:41,853 ( laughter continues ) 634 00:28:41,886 --> 00:28:44,489 ST. PETER, VERY NICE TO MEET YOU. 635 00:28:44,522 --> 00:28:48,192 I'VE HEARD-- I'VE HEARD I'M HAPPY TO SAY... 636 00:28:48,225 --> 00:28:51,529 Dottie: THE NIGHT I MET ARNOLD MOSS, WHAT CAN I SAY? 637 00:28:51,562 --> 00:28:56,199 IT WAS LIKE MEETING ELVIS, OR BRANDO, OR ORSON WELLES, 638 00:28:56,233 --> 00:29:00,171 OR SOME OTHER HUGE LEGENDARY FIGURE. 639 00:29:00,204 --> 00:29:03,040 HE WAS SITTING IN THE AUDIENCE WITH CLAUDIA 640 00:29:03,073 --> 00:29:05,943 AND THE GIRLS WERE THERE, AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. 641 00:29:05,976 --> 00:29:09,847 I MEAN, ONE MINUTE I'M AUDITIONING FOR THESE BRILL BUILDING LOWLIFES 642 00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,183 AND SIX MONTHS LATER, I'M ON STAGE 643 00:29:12,216 --> 00:29:14,851 AND ARNOLD MOSS IS WATCHING ME. 644 00:29:14,885 --> 00:29:16,921 ( laughter ) 645 00:29:16,954 --> 00:29:20,524 THIS IS ALSO NOT MY LIFE. 646 00:29:20,558 --> 00:29:23,194 AS A RULE I DON'T BREAST-FEED IN RESTAURANTS. 647 00:29:23,227 --> 00:29:26,063 CALL ME CRAZY. 648 00:29:26,096 --> 00:29:28,566 "THE LA LECHE LEAGUE." HAVE YOU MET THESE WOMEN? 649 00:29:28,599 --> 00:29:31,535 THEY THINK THAT YOU SHOULD BREAST-FEED YOUR KID 650 00:29:31,569 --> 00:29:34,539 UNTIL HE'S OLD ENOUGH TO UNBUTTON YOUR BLOUSE. 651 00:29:34,572 --> 00:29:39,075 THEY LOVE IT. I'M BONDING WITH MY BABY. 652 00:29:39,109 --> 00:29:43,848 THE BABY IS 48 YEARS OLD AND OPENING A DAIRY QUEEN. 653 00:29:43,881 --> 00:29:47,485 ( laughter and applause ) 654 00:29:58,095 --> 00:30:01,532 MOM, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. YOU WERE SWELL. 655 00:30:01,565 --> 00:30:03,534 MOM, YOU WERE GREAT. YOU KILLED THEM. 656 00:30:03,567 --> 00:30:05,536 I'M SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT. 657 00:30:05,569 --> 00:30:07,872 SHE'S GOING TO BE EVEN BETTER IN L.A. 658 00:30:07,905 --> 00:30:09,874 ARNOLD MOSS. 659 00:30:07,905 --> 00:30:09,874 HI. 660 00:30:09,907 --> 00:30:11,876 EXCELLENT. EXCELLENT. 661 00:30:11,909 --> 00:30:14,078 IT JUST HAPPENED. 662 00:30:11,909 --> 00:30:14,078 WHAT IS SHE DOING THERE? 663 00:30:14,111 --> 00:30:17,081 SHE'S GOING TO BE IN THE FAMOUS COMEDY SHOP ON THE FAMOUS SUNSET STRIP. 664 00:30:17,114 --> 00:30:20,084 MOM? 665 00:30:17,114 --> 00:30:20,084 LOOK, LET HER TALK TO ARNOLD MOSS. 666 00:30:20,117 --> 00:30:22,854 WHEN ARE WE GOING? 667 00:30:20,117 --> 00:30:22,854 IT'S NOT A TRIP FOR CHILDREN. 668 00:30:22,887 --> 00:30:27,390 MOM? MOM, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO L.A.? 669 00:30:27,424 --> 00:30:30,528 ABSOLUTELY NOT. 670 00:30:27,424 --> 00:30:30,528 WE WON'T BE IN THE WAY. I PROMISE. 671 00:30:30,561 --> 00:30:33,430 CHILDREN DO NOT LEAVE SCHOOL WHEN THEIR MOTHERS GO ON 672 00:30:33,464 --> 00:30:36,200 SHORT BUSINESS TRIPS. 673 00:30:33,464 --> 00:30:36,200 IT'S NOT SHORT. 674 00:30:36,233 --> 00:30:39,303 IT IS, TOO. 675 00:30:36,233 --> 00:30:39,303 IT'S THREE WEEKS. 676 00:30:39,336 --> 00:30:42,206 OPAL, SHE IS GOING TO PERFORM AT THE FAMOUS COMEDY SHOP 677 00:30:42,239 --> 00:30:44,408 ON THE FAMOUS SUNSET STRIP. 678 00:30:44,441 --> 00:30:47,545 BIG DEAL. 679 00:30:44,441 --> 00:30:47,545 IT IS A BIG DEAL. AND THEY'RE PAYING HER. 680 00:30:47,578 --> 00:30:50,548 THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITY FOR ALL OF US. 681 00:30:50,581 --> 00:30:53,216 ARNOLD MOSS SAYS THAT IF THIS WORKS... 682 00:30:53,250 --> 00:30:55,887 MOM, HE EATS PAPER. 683 00:30:53,250 --> 00:30:55,887 HE DOES? 684 00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:57,889 HE ATE A WHOLE NAPKIN. 685 00:30:57,922 --> 00:30:59,858 HE DID? 686 00:31:02,059 --> 00:31:04,528 THE PEDIATRICIANS NUMBER IS ON THE WALL ABOVE THE PHONE. 687 00:31:04,561 --> 00:31:07,197 I THOUGHT YOU WERE TOO OLD FOR A PEDIATRICIAN, ERICA? 688 00:31:07,231 --> 00:31:10,067 I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT WHEN I GET BACK. 689 00:31:10,100 --> 00:31:12,535 THE BATHROOM DOOR DOESN'T SHUT. GET THE SUPER TO FIX THAT. 690 00:31:12,569 --> 00:31:15,406 ACTUALLY WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, 691 00:31:15,439 --> 00:31:18,209 THE REAL DIFFERENCE IN WHERE YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK IS YOUR BATHROOM DOOR. 692 00:31:18,242 --> 00:31:20,678 ON THE EAST SIDE THEY SHUT. ON THE WEST SIDE THEY DON'T. 693 00:31:20,711 --> 00:31:22,680 AND DOWNTOWN THERE ARE NONE. 694 00:31:22,713 --> 00:31:24,682 THEY WOULDN'T GET THAT IN L.A. 695 00:31:24,715 --> 00:31:27,083 ANYWAY, IT'S NOT VERY GOOD. 696 00:31:27,117 --> 00:31:29,687 YEAH, YOU'RE BOTH RIGHT. I TOLD THE BABY-SITTERS YOU HATE MAYONNAISE. 697 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:32,089 DO YOUR HOMEWORK. 698 00:31:32,122 --> 00:31:34,358 IF YOU DON'T WATER THE PLANTS I DON'T CARE. 699 00:31:34,391 --> 00:31:36,560 EAT SOME BREAKFAST, OKAY? 700 00:31:36,593 --> 00:31:39,096 YOU DON'T HAVE TO FORCE YOURSELVES WITH OAT BRAN. 701 00:31:39,129 --> 00:31:42,099 OPAL, CAN YOU GET THESE OUT OF MY PURSE, PLEASE? 702 00:31:42,132 --> 00:31:45,102 THESE ARE JOURNALS, SWEETHEARTS. TAKE NOTES WHILE I'M GONE. 703 00:31:45,135 --> 00:31:47,538 DON'T WRITE LETTERS. THIS IS A LIFE LESSON. 704 00:31:47,571 --> 00:31:49,674 LETTER WRITING IS RIDICULOUS. 705 00:31:49,707 --> 00:31:52,543 NOTHING EVER ARRIVES WITHIN A WEEK. 706 00:31:52,576 --> 00:31:54,679 AND SOMEONE ELSE ENDS UP WITH WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE; 707 00:31:54,712 --> 00:31:57,081 A RECORD OF YOUR LIFE. 708 00:31:57,114 --> 00:31:59,684 WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK? 709 00:31:57,114 --> 00:31:59,684 THREE WEEKS, SWEETHEART. 710 00:31:59,717 --> 00:32:01,319 TAXI! 711 00:32:01,352 --> 00:32:04,388 I TOLD YOU JUST THREE WEEKS. OH, A CREDIT CARD... 712 00:32:04,421 --> 00:32:07,391 A CREDIT CARD. 713 00:32:04,421 --> 00:32:07,391 FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY. 714 00:32:07,424 --> 00:32:09,694 YOU HAVE ALL THE NUMBERS WHERE I AM? 715 00:32:09,727 --> 00:32:12,096 YES, I GOT ALL THE NUMBERS. 716 00:32:12,129 --> 00:32:13,697 YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH ONCE IN A WHILE? 717 00:32:12,129 --> 00:32:13,697 YES. 718 00:32:13,731 --> 00:32:15,700 SO WILL I. ALL RIGHT. 719 00:32:15,733 --> 00:32:17,702 THEY'RE GONNA LOVE YOU. 720 00:32:15,733 --> 00:32:17,702 YOU THINK? 721 00:32:17,735 --> 00:32:20,103 DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 722 00:32:20,137 --> 00:32:22,706 I'LL BE CALLING YOU EVERYDAY. I'M GONNA MISS YOU. 723 00:32:22,740 --> 00:32:25,109 YOU'RE GONNA BE GREAT. 724 00:32:25,142 --> 00:32:27,345 I'M NERVOUS. 725 00:32:25,142 --> 00:32:27,345 I KNOW, BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE GREAT. 726 00:32:27,378 --> 00:32:29,547 BYE. 727 00:32:27,378 --> 00:32:29,547 LOVE AND POLKA DOTS. 728 00:32:29,580 --> 00:32:31,482 Dottie: I MISS YOU ALREADY. 729 00:32:33,717 --> 00:32:35,653 NOW WHAT? 730 00:32:45,729 --> 00:32:49,000 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 731 00:32:54,405 --> 00:32:56,639 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 732 00:32:56,673 --> 00:32:59,710 Erica: THE FIRST BABY-SITTER WE HAD AFTER MOM LEFT WAS ED, 733 00:32:59,743 --> 00:33:02,046 WHO DOES IMITATIONS. 734 00:33:02,079 --> 00:33:04,415 AND HE EVEN DOES AN IMITATION OF MOM. 735 00:33:04,448 --> 00:33:06,584 HE SAYS IF SHE EVER GETS FAMOUS ENOUGH, 736 00:33:06,617 --> 00:33:09,220 EVERYONE WILL DO HER BECAUSE SHE IS LARGER THAN LIFE. 737 00:33:09,253 --> 00:33:11,222 READY. 738 00:33:11,255 --> 00:33:13,691 Dottie: OKAY, REACH IN AND PULL OUT THE BAG. 739 00:33:13,724 --> 00:33:16,627 REACH IN AND PULL OUT THE BAG. 740 00:33:16,660 --> 00:33:19,697 BAUCK, BAUCK! 741 00:33:16,660 --> 00:33:19,697 EASY. IT'S OKAY. 742 00:33:19,730 --> 00:33:22,566 BAUCK, BAUCK, BAUCK! 743 00:33:22,599 --> 00:33:25,703 ALL RIGHT. 744 00:33:22,599 --> 00:33:25,703 ( makes suction noise ) 745 00:33:25,736 --> 00:33:27,705 Ooh! 746 00:33:25,736 --> 00:33:27,705 ( giggling ) 747 00:33:27,738 --> 00:33:29,774 ( making cackling sounds ) 748 00:33:29,807 --> 00:33:31,709 ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO HELP ME ON THIS ONE. 749 00:33:31,742 --> 00:33:35,245 GO AHEAD PUSH. BUACK-- PUSH IT. BUACK-- 750 00:33:35,279 --> 00:33:37,548 OKAY, PUSH. BUACK... 751 00:33:37,581 --> 00:33:41,151 ( giggling ) 752 00:33:41,185 --> 00:33:42,720 ( farting noise ) 753 00:33:42,753 --> 00:33:45,723 ( giggling ) 754 00:33:45,756 --> 00:33:48,426 In Unison: EEWWWW! 755 00:33:48,459 --> 00:33:52,096 ♪ ( Theme from "Swan Lake" Playing ) ♪ 756 00:33:52,129 --> 00:33:54,564 Erica: THE NEXT BABY-SITTER WE HAD WAS ANGELA. 757 00:33:54,598 --> 00:33:57,568 ANGELA IS DEVELOPING A ROUTINE ABOUT MODERN BALLETS. 758 00:33:57,601 --> 00:33:59,703 SHE SAYS THERE ARE TOO MANY SWANS 759 00:33:59,736 --> 00:34:02,340 AND NOT ENOUGH HOUSEWIVES. 760 00:34:06,743 --> 00:34:08,712 MY EAR HURTS. 761 00:34:08,745 --> 00:34:11,114 Dottie: I KNOW, HONEY. I KNOW. 762 00:34:11,148 --> 00:34:13,417 I'M SURE IT'S JUST AN EAR INFECTION. 763 00:34:13,449 --> 00:34:15,418 WE'LL GET YOU SOME MEDICINE. 764 00:34:15,452 --> 00:34:17,388 TELL ANGELA TO BUY YOU A WHOLE BUNCH OF DUMB MAGAZINES. 765 00:34:17,420 --> 00:34:19,123 OKAY. 766 00:34:19,156 --> 00:34:21,125 GOD, I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING HERE. 767 00:34:21,158 --> 00:34:23,594 I KNOW. I CAN'T HEAR YOU VERY WELL OVER HERE EITHER. 768 00:34:23,627 --> 00:34:26,263 WELL, LET ME SPEAK TO ANGELA FOR A MINUTE. 769 00:34:26,295 --> 00:34:29,732 OKAY, HANG ON. ANGELA, MOM WANTS TO TALK TO YOU! 770 00:34:29,766 --> 00:34:33,104 DOTTIE, YOU FAMOUS YET? 771 00:34:29,766 --> 00:34:33,104 NO, NOT QUITE. 772 00:34:33,137 --> 00:34:35,573 LISTEN, ANGELA. WOULD YOU CALL DR. MURPHY AND ASK HIM 773 00:34:35,606 --> 00:34:37,575 TO PHONE IN A PRESCRIPTION TO THE ALL-NIGHT PHARMACY? 774 00:34:37,608 --> 00:34:40,244 Erica: AND THEN CAME DENNIS, 775 00:34:40,277 --> 00:34:42,713 WHO WAS NO LONGER WRITING COUPLETS ABOUT FISH. 776 00:34:42,746 --> 00:34:45,583 WHAT IS IT ABOUT LAWRENCE WELK 777 00:34:45,616 --> 00:34:50,454 THAT BRINGS TO MIND THE DAINTY ELK? 778 00:34:50,487 --> 00:34:54,125 YOU'RE KIDDING? HE WAS IN THE AUDIENCE? I DON'T BELIEVE IT. 779 00:34:54,158 --> 00:34:56,726 OPAL, GET ON THE PHONE. YOU HAVE TO HEAR THIS. 780 00:34:56,760 --> 00:34:59,130 HI, MOM. 781 00:34:56,760 --> 00:34:59,130 HI, SWEETHEART. 782 00:34:59,163 --> 00:35:03,734 AND THEN HE CAME BACK STAGE AND HE SAID, "I LOVE YOUR WORK". 783 00:35:03,767 --> 00:35:06,736 STEVE MARTIN LOVES MY WORK. 784 00:35:06,770 --> 00:35:09,607 WHAT WAS HE LIKE? 785 00:35:06,770 --> 00:35:09,607 I HAVE NO IDEA. 786 00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:12,643 THAT WAS THE SUM TOTAL OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. FOUR WORDS. 787 00:35:12,676 --> 00:35:15,712 THEN I SAID, "WHAT?". 788 00:35:15,746 --> 00:35:18,415 SO THAT'S ONE MORE WORD. 789 00:35:18,448 --> 00:35:21,417 BUT CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? IT'S HAPPENING, SWEETHEARTS. 790 00:35:21,451 --> 00:35:24,622 IT'S REALLY HAPPENING. I'M NOT CRAZY. 791 00:35:24,655 --> 00:35:26,724 IT'S LIKE A DREAM. 792 00:35:24,655 --> 00:35:26,724 IT'S SO GREAT, MOM. 793 00:35:26,757 --> 00:35:28,726 WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME? 794 00:35:28,759 --> 00:35:31,729 I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THAT. 795 00:35:31,762 --> 00:35:34,365 THINGS ARE GOING VERY WELL 796 00:35:34,398 --> 00:35:37,268 SO I WANTED TO STAY OUT HERE 797 00:35:37,301 --> 00:35:39,937 A LITTLE LONGER THAN I WAS GOING TO. 798 00:35:39,970 --> 00:35:42,939 HOW MUCH LONGER? 799 00:35:39,970 --> 00:35:42,939 JUST TWO MORE WEEKS, SWEETPEAS. 800 00:35:42,973 --> 00:35:46,410 I LOVE YOU. PLEASE SAY IT'S ALL RIGHT. 801 00:35:46,443 --> 00:35:48,612 TWO MORE WEEKS? 802 00:35:48,645 --> 00:35:51,415 I'LL BRING YOU... WHAT CAN I BRING YOU? 803 00:35:51,448 --> 00:35:53,750 I DON'T KNOW. 804 00:35:53,784 --> 00:35:57,388 MOM, GOD, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BRIBE US. 805 00:35:59,623 --> 00:36:02,726 IT'S OKAY. 806 00:35:59,623 --> 00:36:02,726 OH, YOU'RE TERRIFIC. 807 00:36:02,759 --> 00:36:05,930 YOU ARE TWO TERRIFIC GIRLS. 808 00:36:05,963 --> 00:36:08,399 I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I MISS YOU. 809 00:36:08,432 --> 00:36:11,435 YEAH, WE MISS YOU, TOO. 810 00:36:11,468 --> 00:36:14,404 ( drumroll sounds off and applause ) 811 00:36:14,438 --> 00:36:16,607 WHERE IS MY PURSE? WHERE-- 812 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:18,942 IS THIS NOT WHAT HAPPENS? I MEAN, DO YOU EVER KNOW... 813 00:36:18,976 --> 00:36:21,445 Dottie: AFTER A WHILE, DOING STANDUP STARTS TO FEEL 814 00:36:21,478 --> 00:36:25,816 FAMILIAR, EVEN ROUTINE. FIRST, IT'S THE SWEATY PALM PHASE. 815 00:36:25,849 --> 00:36:29,954 FOLLOWED BY THE I CAN'T DO IT, I'M NAUSEOUS, I'M GOING TO THROW-UP PHASE. 816 00:36:29,987 --> 00:36:32,289 FOLLOWED BY HEY, I'M DOING IT. 817 00:36:32,322 --> 00:36:34,625 FOLLOWED BY, 818 00:36:34,658 --> 00:36:38,462 I AM THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH! 819 00:36:38,495 --> 00:36:40,598 THAT PHASE IS THE BEST PHASE. 820 00:36:40,631 --> 00:36:44,234 YOU KNOW I'VE ALWAYS SECRETLY WANTED SOMEONE TO SNATCH THIS BABY. 821 00:36:44,268 --> 00:36:45,736 ( laughter ) 822 00:36:45,769 --> 00:36:49,740 "HEY LADY, HAND OVER YOUR PURSE". 823 00:36:49,773 --> 00:36:52,710 ( laughter and applause ) 824 00:36:56,046 --> 00:36:59,783 Dottie: ARNOLD MOSS WAS HERE LAST NIGHT. 825 00:36:59,816 --> 00:37:01,018 THE SPONGY BOG WAS THERE. 826 00:36:59,816 --> 00:37:01,018 YUCK. 827 00:37:01,051 --> 00:37:03,754 HE TOOK ME OUT TO DINNER AND WHEN IT WAS OVER 828 00:37:03,787 --> 00:37:06,457 HE ATE THE BILL. 829 00:37:03,787 --> 00:37:06,457 WHAT? 830 00:37:06,490 --> 00:37:08,758 HE TOOK HER TO DINNER AND HE ATE THE BILL. 831 00:37:08,792 --> 00:37:10,761 HE DID. 832 00:37:08,792 --> 00:37:10,761 JUST KIDDING. 833 00:37:10,794 --> 00:37:13,631 I SWEAR TO GOD. 834 00:37:13,664 --> 00:37:16,300 Erica: THE NEXT BABY-SITTER WE HAD WAS MIA. 835 00:37:16,333 --> 00:37:18,836 SHE STIR FRIES EVERYTHING. 836 00:37:18,869 --> 00:37:21,605 AND SHE TOOK US TO AN ABORTION RALLY 837 00:37:21,638 --> 00:37:24,375 AND WE ALL DRESSED UP AS SANDRA DAY O'CONNOR. 838 00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:27,745 MIA HAS THIS THEORY THAT ALL GIRLS ARE EITHER BETTY OR VERONICA. 839 00:37:27,778 --> 00:37:31,749 WHO WILL BE MY MYSTERY DATE? 840 00:37:31,782 --> 00:37:33,718 TURN THE KNOB. 841 00:37:35,485 --> 00:37:38,455 OH, MY GOD, I GOT THE DUD AGAIN. 842 00:37:38,488 --> 00:37:41,558 I ALWAYS GET THE DUD. 843 00:37:38,488 --> 00:37:41,558 IT'S JUST A GAME. 844 00:37:43,327 --> 00:37:45,296 DO YOU THINK MOM DATES? 845 00:37:45,329 --> 00:37:47,631 SHE WOULDN'T. SHE WOULD NEVER. 846 00:37:47,664 --> 00:37:49,633 WHY DON'T YOU PLAY MYSTERY DATE WITH US? 847 00:37:49,666 --> 00:37:52,303 I ALWAYS GET DREAM DATE, BUT IF YOU DON'T MIND. 848 00:37:52,336 --> 00:37:54,305 HERE I GO. 849 00:37:54,338 --> 00:37:56,774 I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM! I GOT DREAM DATE. 850 00:37:56,807 --> 00:37:58,776 I DON'T BELIEVE IT! 851 00:37:58,809 --> 00:38:01,912 I'M SO JEALOUS. 852 00:37:58,809 --> 00:38:01,912 EAT YOUR HEART OUT. 853 00:38:01,945 --> 00:38:04,948 IF YOU ALWAYS LAND ON DREAM DATE THEN YOU MUST BE VERONICA. 854 00:38:04,981 --> 00:38:08,619 ERICA, OPAL, THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT THING TO UNDERSTAND. 855 00:38:08,652 --> 00:38:11,622 IS IT A LIFE LESSON? 856 00:38:08,652 --> 00:38:11,622 DEFINITELY. 857 00:38:11,655 --> 00:38:14,958 VERONICA ALWAYS GETS THE GUY. OR WHATEVER SHE WANTS. 858 00:38:14,991 --> 00:38:18,962 AND BETTY ALWAYS WANTS WHATEVER VERONICA GETS. 859 00:38:18,995 --> 00:38:22,766 I'M VERONICA. 860 00:38:18,995 --> 00:38:22,766 I SUPPOSE THAT MAKES ME BETTY? 861 00:38:22,799 --> 00:38:24,768 OH, YOU MIGHT AS WELL ACCEPT IT. 862 00:38:24,801 --> 00:38:29,106 YOU, MY ERICA, ARE A LOVER OF MISERY. 863 00:38:29,139 --> 00:38:30,974 IT'S MY TURN TO GO FIRST. 864 00:38:31,007 --> 00:38:34,678 ARE YOU A BETTY OR A VERONICA FOREVER? 865 00:38:34,711 --> 00:38:39,415 NO. A BETTY CAN GROW UP TO BE A VERONICA. LOOK AT YOUR MOM. 866 00:38:39,449 --> 00:38:41,485 WHO WANTS TOFU PUFFS? 867 00:38:41,518 --> 00:38:43,821 OPAL, GET OUT OF THE WAY! 868 00:38:43,854 --> 00:38:45,955 OH, MY GOD, IT'S STILL A COMMERCIAL. 869 00:38:45,989 --> 00:38:48,492 THIS IS IT. PLEASE, GOD, MAKE IT BE ALL RIGHT. 870 00:38:48,525 --> 00:38:51,395 ( introduction music plays ) 871 00:38:51,428 --> 00:38:54,932 Talk Show Host: OUR NEXT GUEST, I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE HER, 872 00:38:54,965 --> 00:38:57,368 IS PERFORMING AT THE COMEDY SHOP IN LOS ANGELES. 873 00:38:57,401 --> 00:38:59,770 LET'S WELCOME DOTTIE INGELS. 874 00:38:59,803 --> 00:39:01,772 ( cheering ) 875 00:39:01,805 --> 00:39:04,640 I SWEAR, I'M GONNA DIE. 876 00:39:04,674 --> 00:39:07,644 I NEVER MET THIS MAN BEFORE IN MY LIFE AND AM I THRILLED. 877 00:39:07,677 --> 00:39:11,982 JAMES. I'M A BIG FAN. 878 00:39:12,015 --> 00:39:15,652 IT'S NICE TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW. 879 00:39:12,015 --> 00:39:15,652 IT'S NICE TO BE HERE. 880 00:39:15,685 --> 00:39:18,788 ACTUALLY, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE TO BE HERE. 881 00:39:18,822 --> 00:39:21,658 LESS THAN A YEAR AGO I WAS WORKING THE MAKEUP COUNTER 882 00:39:21,691 --> 00:39:24,495 AT MACY'S ON QUEENS BOULEVARD. THERE I WAS SELLING MAKEUP, 883 00:39:24,528 --> 00:39:27,598 LIVING IN OZONE PARK... YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT IS, 884 00:39:27,631 --> 00:39:30,033 DO YOU GARY? NOT A CLUE, RIGHT? 885 00:39:27,631 --> 00:39:30,033 NO. 886 00:39:30,066 --> 00:39:32,035 WHO DOES? 887 00:39:32,068 --> 00:39:34,037 WE DO! 888 00:39:32,068 --> 00:39:34,037 WE DO! 889 00:39:34,070 --> 00:39:36,974 THERE I WAS LIVING WITH MY AUNT HARRIET AND MY TWO GIRLS, 890 00:39:37,007 --> 00:39:39,610 OPAL, ERICA, IF YOU'RE WATCHING, 891 00:39:39,643 --> 00:39:42,012 IT'S TIME TO GO TO BED NOW. 892 00:39:42,045 --> 00:39:45,583 AHHH! 893 00:39:42,045 --> 00:39:45,583 AHHH! 894 00:39:54,491 --> 00:39:56,727 SHHH! SHHH! SHHH! 895 00:40:00,030 --> 00:40:02,800 SHE'S BACK. SHE'S BACK. SHE'S BACK. SHE'S HERE. 896 00:40:02,833 --> 00:40:05,469 ERICA, SHE'S HERE. COME ON. 897 00:40:05,502 --> 00:40:07,438 MOM! MOM! 898 00:40:14,811 --> 00:40:16,780 MOM! 899 00:40:14,811 --> 00:40:16,780 MOM! 900 00:40:16,813 --> 00:40:19,483 THERE'S MY COOKIES, I MISSED YOU. 901 00:40:19,516 --> 00:40:22,786 OH, LOOK AT YOU. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL. 902 00:40:22,819 --> 00:40:24,788 MOM, GUESS WHAT, GUESS WHAT? 903 00:40:24,821 --> 00:40:26,490 WHAT? WHAT? 904 00:40:26,523 --> 00:40:29,493 I'M GOING TO BE ONE OF THE HOLLOW MEN. 905 00:40:26,523 --> 00:40:29,493 YOU ARE! 906 00:40:29,526 --> 00:40:31,995 SHAWN, LISA AND I ARE GONNA BE ALL TIED TOGETHER IN BURLAP AND 907 00:40:32,028 --> 00:40:34,497 MRS. FABRICANT IS MAKING US LOOK LIKE DEAD PEOPLE WITH NO FLESH. 908 00:40:34,531 --> 00:40:36,500 ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL? 909 00:40:34,531 --> 00:40:36,500 YES. 910 00:40:36,533 --> 00:40:39,136 LOOK, WHAT CAN I SAY, CLAUDIA? IF IT TAKES MORE THAN A WEEK, 911 00:40:39,169 --> 00:40:42,004 IT TAKES MORE THAN A WEEK. BUT YOU HAVE TO CALL 912 00:40:42,038 --> 00:40:46,009 AND TELL THEM THAT I'M NOT GOING TO BE BACK IN L.A. UNTIL NEXT MONTH. 913 00:40:46,042 --> 00:40:49,011 NEXT MONTH? YOU'RE GOING BACK TO L.A. NEXT MONTH? 914 00:40:49,045 --> 00:40:51,248 CLAUDIA, CAN YOU HOLD ON? I HATE THIS CALL WAITING. 915 00:40:51,281 --> 00:40:54,116 I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. 916 00:40:54,150 --> 00:40:56,487 HELLO? YES. 917 00:40:58,021 --> 00:41:00,991 AH, CAN YOU HOLD ON FOR JUST ONE MINUTE PLEASE? THANKS. 918 00:41:01,024 --> 00:41:03,794 BAH, BAH, BAH, BAH, BAH, BAH, BAH! 919 00:41:01,024 --> 00:41:03,794 SHH, SHH, SWEETIE. 920 00:41:03,827 --> 00:41:06,497 CLAUDIA, IT'S SOMEONE FROM NEWSDAY. 921 00:41:06,530 --> 00:41:08,799 THEY WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK ABOUT WOMEN IN COMEDY. 922 00:41:08,832 --> 00:41:10,801 I'LL CALL YOU RIGHT BACK. 923 00:41:10,834 --> 00:41:13,504 HELLO. 924 00:41:13,537 --> 00:41:15,506 WELL, I JUST GOT IN FROM THE COAST. 925 00:41:15,539 --> 00:41:18,509 WELL, I'VE EATEN MY LAST CHINESE CHICKEN SALAD FOR A MONTH... 926 00:41:18,542 --> 00:41:21,511 Erica: REVOLTING. SHE WAS COMPLETELY REVOLTING. 927 00:41:21,545 --> 00:41:24,014 AND HER DOTS WERE GETTING BIGGER. 928 00:41:24,047 --> 00:41:25,816 ALSO, AND THIS IS REALLY PATHETIC, 929 00:41:25,849 --> 00:41:27,818 SHE LOST THE ABILITY TO BE ALONE. 930 00:41:27,851 --> 00:41:31,788 SHE TOOK CLAUDIA EVERYWHERE. 931 00:41:31,821 --> 00:41:34,024 CLAUDIA WAS LIKE TONTO. 932 00:41:34,057 --> 00:41:36,660 IF YOU WERE A MAN, 933 00:41:36,693 --> 00:41:39,129 WOULD YOU THINK I HAD CAPPED TEETH? 934 00:41:39,162 --> 00:41:41,832 DO YOU REALLY? 935 00:41:39,162 --> 00:41:41,832 FOUR. 936 00:41:41,865 --> 00:41:45,002 REALLY? 937 00:41:41,865 --> 00:41:45,002 WELL, SIX ACTUALLY. 938 00:41:45,035 --> 00:41:47,803 Dottie: I SHOULD SAY THAT I COULD NEVER EVER HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH 939 00:41:47,837 --> 00:41:50,307 THOSE EARLIER DAYS AS A PERFORMER 940 00:41:50,340 --> 00:41:52,309 WITHOUT CLAUDIA CURTIS. 941 00:41:52,342 --> 00:41:55,679 SHE WAS MORE THAN AN AGENT. SHE WAS A FRIEND. 942 00:41:55,712 --> 00:41:59,149 I SAW YOU ON TELEVISION. YOU WERE GREAT. 943 00:41:55,712 --> 00:41:59,149 REALLY? 944 00:41:59,182 --> 00:42:01,817 SOMEBODY HAS A FAN. 945 00:42:01,851 --> 00:42:03,153 SHHH. THIS IS OPAL'S NIGHT. 946 00:42:03,186 --> 00:42:05,155 OKAY. 947 00:42:05,188 --> 00:42:07,791 ♪ ( Theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey Playing) ♪ 948 00:42:12,862 --> 00:42:15,666 I CAN'T FIND MY TAIL. 949 00:42:15,699 --> 00:42:18,135 Girl: SHAWN, CAN'T YOU GO ANY FASTER? 950 00:42:18,168 --> 00:42:21,138 ( overlapping conversations ) 951 00:42:21,171 --> 00:42:25,676 Lisa: I THINK I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. 952 00:42:25,709 --> 00:42:28,145 WAIT. SHE ALMOST PULLED US ALL DOWN. 953 00:42:28,178 --> 00:42:30,681 I THINK I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. 954 00:42:30,714 --> 00:42:33,016 WELL, JUST YOU FORGET IT. 955 00:42:33,049 --> 00:42:35,686 Boys: "...WHAT BRANCHES GROW OUT OF THIS STONY RUBBISH? 956 00:42:35,719 --> 00:42:38,288 "SON OF A MAN, YOU CANNOT SAY, OR GUESS." 957 00:42:38,321 --> 00:42:41,091 ( music ends ) 958 00:42:47,364 --> 00:42:50,167 In Unison: "WE ARE THE HOLLOW MEN, 959 00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:52,836 WE ARE THE STUFFED MEN, LEANING TOGETHER, 960 00:42:52,869 --> 00:42:54,972 HEADPIECE FILLED WITH STRAW. 961 00:42:55,005 --> 00:42:56,807 ALAS! 962 00:42:56,840 --> 00:43:00,077 ( overlapping dialogue ) 963 00:43:09,886 --> 00:43:12,923 ...OVER BROKEN GLASS IN OUR DRIED CELLAR. 964 00:43:14,724 --> 00:43:16,827 ( music plays ) 965 00:43:16,860 --> 00:43:19,797 ( applause ) 966 00:43:26,970 --> 00:43:29,673 WHY WERE YOU LAUGHING? DID I BOMB? 967 00:43:29,706 --> 00:43:32,175 BOMB? OH, GOD, NO. 968 00:43:32,208 --> 00:43:35,846 YOU WERE JUST SO DEAR, THAT'S ALL. 969 00:43:35,879 --> 00:43:38,682 YOU WERE GREAT, OPAL. TO DIE. 970 00:43:38,715 --> 00:43:40,817 MAYBE I SHOULD SIGN YOU. YOU NEED AN AGENT? 971 00:43:40,850 --> 00:43:42,819 I'M WAITING FOR MOSS HIMSELF. 972 00:43:42,852 --> 00:43:45,689 DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH. 973 00:43:42,852 --> 00:43:45,689 ERICA. 974 00:43:45,722 --> 00:43:49,159 YOU WERE WONDERFUL, SWEETHEART. REALLY. I MEAN THAT. 975 00:43:49,192 --> 00:43:50,928 KEEP THE CHANGE. 976 00:43:54,064 --> 00:43:56,299 WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS HOLD HER BREAST LIKE THAT? 977 00:43:56,332 --> 00:43:58,134 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 978 00:43:58,168 --> 00:44:01,205 BECAUSE SHE'S AFRAID THEY MIGHT ESCAPE. 979 00:44:03,106 --> 00:44:05,208 Dottie: SUPPOSE I DO THIS COMMERCIAL, 980 00:44:05,241 --> 00:44:08,211 AND FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I'M KNOWN AS "MISS COUNTRY CHICKEN". 981 00:44:08,244 --> 00:44:10,814 Claudia: IF YOU WERE JUST GOING TO BE A CHICKEN, I'D SAY DON'T TOUCH IT 982 00:44:10,847 --> 00:44:13,016 WITH A 10-FOOT POLE. 983 00:44:13,049 --> 00:44:15,886 BUT THIS IS MUCH MORE ABOUT YOU THAN IT IS ABOUT CHICKEN. 984 00:44:15,919 --> 00:44:18,355 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 985 00:44:15,919 --> 00:44:18,355 I DON'T KNOW. 986 00:44:18,388 --> 00:44:21,223 SWEETHEART, WOULD YOU MAKE YOUR MOTHER HAPPY 987 00:44:21,257 --> 00:44:23,994 AND AT LEAST LOOK LIKE YOU'RE EATING? 988 00:44:24,027 --> 00:44:26,697 WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS VISIBILITY. 989 00:44:26,730 --> 00:44:28,699 AND MONEY. I MEAN, WHO ARE WE KIDDING? 990 00:44:28,732 --> 00:44:31,735 I HEARD THAT IF YOU EVEN JUST HAVE YOU HAND IN A COMMERCIAL, 991 00:44:31,768 --> 00:44:36,006 YOU CAN MAKE A FORTUNE. LIKE YOU CAN GET RICH JUST OFF YOUR KNEE. 992 00:44:36,039 --> 00:44:39,943 WHAT'S WRONG, ERICA? 993 00:44:36,039 --> 00:44:39,943 NOTHING. 994 00:44:39,976 --> 00:44:42,345 Opal: CAN WE COME WHEN YOU MAKE THE COMMERCIAL, MOM? 995 00:44:42,378 --> 00:44:44,715 I DON'T KNOW. CLAUDIA, CAN THEY? 996 00:44:42,378 --> 00:44:44,715 SURE. 997 00:44:44,748 --> 00:44:47,884 YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG? 998 00:44:44,748 --> 00:44:47,884 YES. 999 00:44:47,917 --> 00:44:50,886 LAST MONTH, WHEN MY CLASS DID FRANZ KAFKA NIGHT, 1000 00:44:50,920 --> 00:44:53,356 YOU DIDN'T COME. AND NOW, YOU JUST 1001 00:44:53,389 --> 00:44:56,893 CONVENIENTLY MAKE IT TO OPAL'S PERFORMANCE. 1002 00:44:56,926 --> 00:45:00,163 HONEY, LAST MONTH I WAS IN L.A. I COULDN'T HAVE COME. 1003 00:45:00,196 --> 00:45:03,165 YOU KNOW I WOULD HAVE COME IF I COULD HAVE. 1004 00:45:03,199 --> 00:45:06,203 WE TALKED ABOUT IT. DIDN'T WE TALK ABOUT IT? 1005 00:45:06,236 --> 00:45:10,507 SHE WASN'T EVEN IN THE PLAY. SHE WAS IN THE LIGHTING BOOTH. 1006 00:45:10,540 --> 00:45:14,211 CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING ELSE? 1007 00:45:14,244 --> 00:45:18,048 Claudia: WELL, FIFTH WHEEL TIME. GOTTA RUN. 1008 00:45:18,081 --> 00:45:19,850 GOT A LATE DATE WITH MR. MUCH-TOO-CRAZY. 1009 00:45:19,883 --> 00:45:22,018 CALL YOU TOMORROW. 1010 00:45:22,051 --> 00:45:23,287 ( sighs ) 1011 00:45:25,789 --> 00:45:28,358 MY GIRLS. LOOK, I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN HARD. 1012 00:45:28,391 --> 00:45:31,161 IT'S BEEN HARD, I KNOW IT. 1013 00:45:31,194 --> 00:45:33,363 I DON'T WANT TO BE IN L.A. 1014 00:45:33,396 --> 00:45:36,032 DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BE AWAY FROM YOU? 1015 00:45:36,065 --> 00:45:38,368 I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. 1016 00:45:38,401 --> 00:45:41,238 BUT I CAN'T JUST PICK YOU UP AND PULL YOU OUT OF SCHOOL 1017 00:45:41,271 --> 00:45:44,875 SO YOU CAN GO TO SOME HORRIBLE HOTEL ON FOUNTAIN AVENUE. 1018 00:45:44,908 --> 00:45:49,513 YOU'D HATE L.A. IT'S ALL SWIMMING POOLS AND VALET PARKING. 1019 00:45:49,546 --> 00:45:52,381 PLEASE, JUST BEAR WITH ME. 1020 00:45:52,415 --> 00:45:55,986 ISN'T THIS WHAT WE WANTED, ISN'T IT? 1021 00:45:56,019 --> 00:45:59,022 ( sighs ) 1022 00:45:59,055 --> 00:46:01,024 SURE. 1023 00:46:01,057 --> 00:46:03,026 HERE. 1024 00:46:03,059 --> 00:46:05,529 ( rooster crowing ) 1025 00:46:05,562 --> 00:46:06,496 ( sheep baaing ) 1026 00:46:06,529 --> 00:46:08,365 ( cow mooing ) 1027 00:46:08,398 --> 00:46:12,402 Erica: THIS IS MY MOTHER, AS A CHICKEN. 1028 00:46:12,435 --> 00:46:15,205 THIS IS ME WATCHING MY MOTHER AS A CHICKEN. 1029 00:46:16,573 --> 00:46:18,841 THIS IS MY MOTHER LEAVING. 1030 00:46:21,277 --> 00:46:23,547 IF YOU COULD BE A CHICKEN INSTEAD OF A PERSON 1031 00:46:23,580 --> 00:46:25,248 YOU'D WANT TO BE ME! 1032 00:46:25,281 --> 00:46:27,517 BAUCK, BAUCK, BAUCK, BAUCK BAUCK, BAUCK! 1033 00:46:27,550 --> 00:46:30,353 MISS CHEMICAL FREE. 1034 00:46:30,386 --> 00:46:33,457 ( cow mooing ) 1035 00:46:37,260 --> 00:46:40,363 YOU KNOW AUNT HARRIET'S BATHROBE THAT LOOKED LIKE HER BEDSPREAD? 1036 00:46:40,396 --> 00:46:43,000 CHENILLE. IT'S CALLED CHENILLE. 1037 00:46:46,569 --> 00:46:50,540 DO YOU THINK THAT MOM FELT LIKE A JERK DRESSED IN ALL THOSE FEATHERS? 1038 00:46:50,573 --> 00:46:52,542 SHE DIDN'T ACT LIKE IT. 1039 00:46:52,575 --> 00:46:55,479 HEY, GIRLS, WHAT DO YOU THINK? AN AIR CONDITIONER. 1040 00:47:05,288 --> 00:47:07,524 WELL, I'LL BE PERFECTING THIS IN THE OTHER END OF THE APARTMENT 1041 00:47:07,557 --> 00:47:09,426 IF YOU NEED ME. 1042 00:47:13,263 --> 00:47:15,899 YOU KNOW, IT REALLY WAS NOT APPROPRIATE 1043 00:47:15,932 --> 00:47:18,067 FOR HER TO BRING CLAUDIA TO YOUR SHOW. 1044 00:47:18,101 --> 00:47:20,237 AFTER ALL, CLAUDIA IS NOT A RELATIVE 1045 00:47:20,270 --> 00:47:22,906 AND THAT'S REALLY WHO SHOULD BE AT YOUR CHILD'S PERFORMANCE. 1046 00:47:22,939 --> 00:47:25,542 WHY CAN'T MOM BE A REGULAR MOM, THE WAY SHE WAS BEFORE? 1047 00:47:27,076 --> 00:47:29,512 MOM WAS NEVER A REGULAR MOM. 1048 00:47:29,545 --> 00:47:32,249 BUT SHE MADE FLAPJACKS. 1049 00:47:32,282 --> 00:47:35,051 REGULAR MOMS DON'T MAKE FLAPJACKS. 1050 00:47:35,084 --> 00:47:37,020 THEY MAKE PANCAKES. 1051 00:47:39,289 --> 00:47:42,259 Erica: AND REGULAR MOMS DON'T GO OFF TO LOS ANGELES JUST AS 1052 00:47:42,292 --> 00:47:45,929 THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN. 1053 00:47:49,098 --> 00:47:51,534 HI, JORDAN. 1054 00:47:51,567 --> 00:47:53,337 HI. 1055 00:47:58,408 --> 00:48:02,045 SO, WHAT'S IT LIKE HAVING A FAMOUS MOTHER? 1056 00:48:02,078 --> 00:48:05,048 SHE'S NOT FAMOUS. 1057 00:48:05,081 --> 00:48:08,051 I SAW HER ON HBO LAST WEEK. 1058 00:48:08,084 --> 00:48:10,654 SHE'S FUNNY. SHE'S REALLY VERY FUNNY. 1059 00:48:14,090 --> 00:48:16,059 DOES SHE ALWAYS WEAR THOSE DOTS? 1060 00:48:16,092 --> 00:48:17,327 WHY? 1061 00:48:19,595 --> 00:48:22,031 I-- I DON'T KNOW. I JUST WAS WONDERING. 1062 00:48:25,435 --> 00:48:28,071 DOES SHE WEAR THEM TO SLEEP? 1063 00:48:28,104 --> 00:48:31,040 SHE WEARS THEM EVERYWHERE. 1064 00:48:49,092 --> 00:48:53,063 MY PARENTS ARE ENDOCRINOLOGISTS. 1065 00:48:53,096 --> 00:48:55,732 ENDOCRINOLOGISTS? 1066 00:48:53,096 --> 00:48:55,732 MM-HMM. 1067 00:48:55,765 --> 00:48:58,401 DOCTORS, RIGHT? 1068 00:48:55,765 --> 00:48:58,401 YEAH. YEAH. 1069 00:48:58,434 --> 00:49:01,071 THEY STUDY GLANDS. 1070 00:49:01,104 --> 00:49:04,040 THEY'RE GLAND EXPERTS. 1071 00:49:30,299 --> 00:49:33,269 Opal: WE SAW THE COMMERCIAL LAST NIGHT RIGHT BEFORE THE NEWS. 1072 00:49:33,302 --> 00:49:35,739 HOW MANY TIMES DOES IT HAVE TO BE ON BEFORE WE'RE RICH? 1073 00:49:35,772 --> 00:49:38,408 Dottie: ABOUT TWO MILLION. 1074 00:49:35,772 --> 00:49:38,408 WELL, IT WAS GREAT. 1075 00:49:38,441 --> 00:49:40,410 THANKS, HONEY. HOW DID ERICA LIKE IT? 1076 00:49:40,443 --> 00:49:43,079 I CAN'T REMEMBER. I'M SURE SHE LIKED IT. 1077 00:49:43,112 --> 00:49:45,081 MOM, YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS, 1078 00:49:45,114 --> 00:49:47,584 BUT ERICA THINKING OF CHANGING HER NAME. 1079 00:49:47,617 --> 00:49:50,420 I WANTED TO CHANGE MY NAME TOO, WHEN I WAS HER AGE. 1080 00:49:50,453 --> 00:49:53,123 I WANTED TO BE CALLED DEBI WITH AN "I". 1081 00:49:53,156 --> 00:49:55,592 MOM, SHE'S NOT CHANGING HER FIRST NAME. 1082 00:49:55,625 --> 00:49:59,062 OH. OH, REALLY. WELL, WHERE IS YOUR SISTER? 1083 00:49:59,095 --> 00:50:02,098 CAN I SPEAK TO HER WHILE HER LAST NAME IS STILL INGELS? 1084 00:50:02,131 --> 00:50:05,402 SHE'S NOT HOME YET. EVERY SINGLE DAY SHE WALKS HOME WITH THAT CREEP. 1085 00:50:05,435 --> 00:50:08,270 AND DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES HER? 1086 00:50:08,304 --> 00:50:11,274 THREE HOURS. 1087 00:50:08,304 --> 00:50:11,274 MAYBE ERICA'S IN LOVE. 1088 00:50:11,307 --> 00:50:14,410 OH, PLEASE. PLEASE, DON'T MAKE ME SICK. 1089 00:50:14,444 --> 00:50:17,279 YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN HIM. HE LOOKS LIKE A POLE. 1090 00:50:17,313 --> 00:50:20,283 YOU MEAN A POLISH PERSON? 1091 00:50:17,313 --> 00:50:20,283 NO, A FLAG POLE. 1092 00:50:20,316 --> 00:50:23,752 I'D RATHER BE FRIED IN OIL THAN KISS JORDAN STRANG. 1093 00:50:23,786 --> 00:50:26,423 IS HE AT LEAST NICE? 1094 00:50:23,786 --> 00:50:26,423 HE HAS TO BE. 1095 00:50:26,456 --> 00:50:28,091 WHAT ELSE DOES HE HAVE GOING FOR HIM? 1096 00:50:28,124 --> 00:50:30,593 ( romantic classical music playing ) 1097 00:50:30,626 --> 00:50:32,696 THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART. 1098 00:51:28,451 --> 00:51:31,421 DO YOU WANT TO? 1099 00:51:31,454 --> 00:51:34,224 HAVE YOU-- HAVE YOU EVER DONE IT? 1100 00:51:34,257 --> 00:51:36,893 NO. 1101 00:51:36,926 --> 00:51:39,429 DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING? 1102 00:51:48,938 --> 00:51:49,873 AH! 1103 00:52:41,490 --> 00:52:44,227 IT'S OVER. 1104 00:52:41,490 --> 00:52:44,227 IT IS. 1105 00:52:45,828 --> 00:52:48,431 ( door opens ) 1106 00:52:45,828 --> 00:52:48,431 OH, MY GOD. 1107 00:52:48,464 --> 00:52:50,433 WHO IS IT? 1108 00:52:48,464 --> 00:52:50,433 MY MOTHER. 1109 00:52:50,466 --> 00:52:52,234 AH...HURRY UP. 1110 00:52:52,268 --> 00:52:54,237 YOUR MOTHER?! 1111 00:52:54,270 --> 00:52:56,538 JORDAN, ARE YOU HOME? 1112 00:52:56,572 --> 00:52:59,943 Jordan: OH, MY GOD, SHE'S NEVER HOME THIS EARLY. 1113 00:52:59,976 --> 00:53:04,781 OH, GOD, THIS ISN'T HAPPENING. PLEASE, ERICA, HURRY. 1114 00:53:04,814 --> 00:53:07,350 GET DRESSED. 1115 00:53:04,814 --> 00:53:07,350 WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING? 1116 00:53:07,383 --> 00:53:08,917 JORDAN! 1117 00:53:08,951 --> 00:53:11,921 OH, HELLO. 1118 00:53:11,954 --> 00:53:14,925 AND WHO IS THIS? 1119 00:53:17,493 --> 00:53:20,930 THIS IS ERICA, MOM. 1120 00:53:17,493 --> 00:53:20,930 HELLO, ERICA. 1121 00:53:20,963 --> 00:53:24,867 HELLO. 1122 00:53:20,963 --> 00:53:24,867 NICE TO MEET YOU. 1123 00:53:24,900 --> 00:53:28,438 WOULD YOU KIDS LIKE SOMETHING TO EAT? 1124 00:53:28,471 --> 00:53:30,673 HOW ABOUT A NICE CUP OF COCOA? 1125 00:53:30,706 --> 00:53:36,446 NO-- NO. AH, I WAS JUST LEAVING. I HAVE TO GET HOME. 1126 00:53:36,479 --> 00:53:38,881 YOUR MOTHER'S PROBABLY EXPECTING YOU, I IMAGINE. 1127 00:53:40,650 --> 00:53:44,654 NO, SHE'S AWAY. 1128 00:53:40,650 --> 00:53:44,654 AND YOUR FATHER? 1129 00:53:47,623 --> 00:53:50,660 HE LIVES SOMEWHERE ELSE. 1130 00:53:50,693 --> 00:53:52,896 WHY DON'T YOU TWO COME AND TALK TO ME FOR A MINUTE, WILL YOU? 1131 00:53:56,032 --> 00:53:58,801 I'M SO GLAD I CAME HOME EARLY. 1132 00:53:58,834 --> 00:54:01,337 TWO APPOINTMENTS CANCELLED BACK TO BACK. 1133 00:54:01,370 --> 00:54:03,806 OH, JORDAN, WE HAVE A WONDERFUL LETTER FROM AUNT JUDITH. 1134 00:54:03,839 --> 00:54:06,808 THEY APPARENTLY HAVE GONE BACK TO THAT DUDE RANCH IN WYOMING, 1135 00:54:06,842 --> 00:54:09,779 AND THEY ENCLOSED A PHOTO OF BERNICE TRYING TO LASSO A HORSE. 1136 00:54:09,812 --> 00:54:12,382 HA-HA-HA! IT LOOKED LIKE FUN, ACTUALLY. 1137 00:54:13,949 --> 00:54:17,320 OHH, MY ACHING DOGS. 1138 00:54:17,353 --> 00:54:20,323 OOO! I WONDER WHY THEY CALL THEM DOGS? 1139 00:54:20,356 --> 00:54:22,592 THAT'S THE KIND OF THING JORDAN ALWAYS SEEMS TO KNOW. 1140 00:54:22,625 --> 00:54:25,328 I DO NOT. 1141 00:54:25,361 --> 00:54:28,330 ERICA, PERHAPS YOUR MOTHER HAS SPOKEN TO YOU ABOUT THIS, 1142 00:54:28,364 --> 00:54:30,933 BUT SINCE SHE'S AWAY, I'D LIKE TO OFFER YOU 1143 00:54:30,966 --> 00:54:33,737 A BIT OF UNSOLICITED ADVICE, IF I MAY. 1144 00:54:35,004 --> 00:54:36,939 OH, NO. NOT THIS. 1145 00:54:36,972 --> 00:54:39,809 I'M JUST GOING TO RUN THROUGH THE BASICS, 1146 00:54:39,842 --> 00:54:41,811 PERHAPS REMIND YOU OF A FEW THINGS. 1147 00:54:41,844 --> 00:54:46,683 YOU RECOGNIZE THESE, I BET. ( chuckles ) YOUR OVARIES. 1148 00:54:46,716 --> 00:54:49,652 BUT THE VERY TRICKY THING ABOUT OVARIES 1149 00:54:49,685 --> 00:54:52,622 IS THAT WHEN YOU'RE A TEENAGE GIRL AND PERHAPS 1150 00:54:52,655 --> 00:54:56,025 A TEENY TINY BIT IRREGULAR, HMMM? 1151 00:54:56,058 --> 00:54:59,329 YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHEN ONE OF THESE IS GOING TO KICK IN 1152 00:54:59,362 --> 00:55:01,931 AND RELEASE THAT LITTLE EGG, SENDING IT OFF ON ITS JOURNEY 1153 00:55:01,964 --> 00:55:04,967 WHERE IT COULD GET INTO A HEAP OF TROUBLE. 1154 00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:08,338 ERICA! ERICA! 1155 00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:08,338 LEAVE ME ALONE, OPAL. 1156 00:55:08,371 --> 00:55:11,341 YOU'VE BEEN IN THERE ALL NIGHT. DON'T YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING? 1157 00:55:11,374 --> 00:55:14,109 DON'T YOU WANT TO HYPERVENTILATE OR SOMETHING? 1158 00:55:14,143 --> 00:55:15,879 GO AWAY. 1159 00:55:35,965 --> 00:55:37,901 ( cries out ) 1160 00:56:04,994 --> 00:56:07,597 ♪ ♪ 1161 00:56:15,604 --> 00:56:18,473 SYLVIA, DARLING. I'M OPENING AT THE TROP. 1162 00:56:18,507 --> 00:56:20,476 THE TROPICANA? 1163 00:56:20,509 --> 00:56:22,812 LOOK AT ME. EIGHT MONTHS AGO 1164 00:56:22,845 --> 00:56:26,149 I THOUGHT IT WAS A JUICE. 1165 00:56:22,845 --> 00:56:26,149 HA-HA! SHE THOUGHT... 1166 00:56:26,182 --> 00:56:28,817 NOW I NOT ONLY KNOW THAT IT'S A HOTEL IN LAS VEGAS, 1167 00:56:28,851 --> 00:56:31,020 BUT I REFER TO IT ONLY BY ITS NICKNAME. 1168 00:56:31,053 --> 00:56:33,823 HA-HA! YOU'RE WONDERFUL. SO YOU'RE GONNA BE THERE 1169 00:56:33,856 --> 00:56:36,492 THE 29th - 31st OF THIS MONTH... 1170 00:56:36,525 --> 00:56:38,961 Opal: SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT CHANGING HER HAIR. 1171 00:56:38,994 --> 00:56:41,831 DO YOU LIKE IT? 1172 00:56:38,994 --> 00:56:41,831 I DON'T KNOW. 1173 00:56:41,864 --> 00:56:44,834 ERICA, COME SEE MOM'S HAIR. IT'S DIFFERENT. 1174 00:56:44,867 --> 00:56:46,903 YOU'RE FABULOUS. YOU'RE WONDERFUL. 1175 00:56:46,936 --> 00:56:48,905 ...ON THE BUSES I'M SURE PEOPLE WILL STOP YOU AND GO "BAUCK". 1176 00:56:48,938 --> 00:56:51,841 I DO, I GET A LOT OF, "BAULK, BAULK". I DO, I GET-- 1177 00:56:51,874 --> 00:56:55,477 HOWEVER, SHORTLY AFTER THAT COMMERCIAL, MY OLDER DAUGHTER 1178 00:56:55,511 --> 00:56:58,147 DECIDED SHE WANTED TO CHANGE HER LAST NAME. 1179 00:56:58,180 --> 00:57:01,817 OH NO, THAT'S HORRIBLE. HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? 1180 00:57:01,851 --> 00:57:04,220 WELL, NOT THAT I FELT REJECTED OR ANYTHING... 1181 00:57:04,253 --> 00:57:08,558 I MEAN IF SHE WANTS TO CALL HERSELF SCHNERTLE INSTEAD OF INGELS... 1182 00:57:08,591 --> 00:57:10,827 WHAT DID YOU THINK? 1183 00:57:10,860 --> 00:57:15,031 ERICA, I'M WATCHING. 1184 00:57:10,860 --> 00:57:15,031 YOU TOLD HER, DIDN'T YOU? 1185 00:57:15,064 --> 00:57:17,500 TAKE IT EASY, ERICA. 1186 00:57:15,064 --> 00:57:17,500 IT'S JUST A JOKE. 1187 00:57:17,533 --> 00:57:19,502 HA-HA-HA! 1188 00:57:19,535 --> 00:57:21,971 ARTISTS ALWAYS USE THINGS FROM THEIR LIVES, ERICA. 1189 00:57:22,004 --> 00:57:23,973 SHUT UP, OPAL. JUST SHUT UP! 1190 00:57:24,006 --> 00:57:25,975 ( slams door ) 1191 00:57:26,008 --> 00:57:29,712 Dottie: I WAS PLAYING LAS VEGAS. 1192 00:57:29,745 --> 00:57:32,515 ME, I WAS UP THERE IN LIGHTS. 1193 00:57:32,548 --> 00:57:34,850 LIKE, SINATRA, AND "STARRING 1194 00:57:34,884 --> 00:57:38,988 "ENGLEBERT HUMPERDINCK" AND "ALL YOU CAN EAT FOR 3.99". 1195 00:57:39,021 --> 00:57:41,491 I LOVE LAS VEGAS. 1196 00:57:41,524 --> 00:57:43,493 Erica: JORDAN SAYS LAS VEGAS IS A PLACE 1197 00:57:43,526 --> 00:57:47,497 WHERE PEOPLE WITH EMPTY LIVES AND NO VALUES GO TO HAVE FUN. 1198 00:57:47,530 --> 00:57:51,067 IT'S A MORAL DESERT, AND WE WERE THERE. 1199 00:57:51,100 --> 00:57:54,002 I SEE HER! I SEE HER! 1200 00:57:51,100 --> 00:57:54,002 WHO DOESN'T? 1201 00:57:54,036 --> 00:57:56,506 OPAL, ERICA. HELLO, SWEETHEARTS. 1202 00:57:56,539 --> 00:57:58,841 I'M NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN. 1203 00:57:58,874 --> 00:58:02,245 HONEY, HONEY, YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY. IT'S THIS WAY. 1204 00:58:02,278 --> 00:58:04,981 ARE YOU PLANNING ON TELLING ME WHAT THIS IS ABOUT? 1205 00:58:05,014 --> 00:58:07,717 WHAT IS THIS ABOUT? 1206 00:58:05,014 --> 00:58:07,717 SCHMERTLE. 1207 00:58:07,750 --> 00:58:09,986 HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU USE THINGS THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT ME 1208 00:58:10,019 --> 00:58:14,189 IN PUBLIC. 1209 00:58:10,019 --> 00:58:14,189 I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. 1210 00:58:14,223 --> 00:58:17,192 YOU CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT IT'S LIKE ON THESE SHOWS. 1211 00:58:17,226 --> 00:58:19,662 THERE'S NOTHING IN YOUR HEAD, YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING, 1212 00:58:19,695 --> 00:58:21,831 THEN THIS THING POPS OUT. 1213 00:58:21,864 --> 00:58:23,966 DOTTIE, WE WERE AT THE 10:00 SHOW LAST NIGHT. 1214 00:58:23,999 --> 00:58:25,968 COULD WE HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH? 1215 00:58:26,001 --> 00:58:28,170 WELL, OF COURSE. 1216 00:58:28,203 --> 00:58:30,640 YOU COULD'VE AT LEAST HAD THE DECENCY TO WAIT UNTIL I'M DEAD. 1217 00:58:30,673 --> 00:58:32,841 WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS IN A SECOND. 1218 00:58:32,875 --> 00:58:34,844 OH, I DON'T HAVE A PEN. 1219 00:58:34,877 --> 00:58:36,846 I HAVE A PEN. WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES? 1220 00:58:36,879 --> 00:58:38,848 MY NAME IS DAWNA. SHE'S CHARLENE. 1221 00:58:38,881 --> 00:58:40,850 HI, CHARLENE. 1222 00:58:38,881 --> 00:58:40,850 D-A-W-N-A. 1223 00:58:40,883 --> 00:58:43,852 DO YOU LIKE THIS? PEOPLE JUST COME UP TO YOU AND DON'T EVEN KNOCK? 1224 00:58:43,886 --> 00:58:45,988 COULD YOU GET A PICTURE OF US? 1225 00:58:46,021 --> 00:58:48,858 OH, MY PLEASURE. ALL RIGHT. 1226 00:58:48,891 --> 00:58:51,861 OKAY, ONE, TWO, THREE...CHEESE! 1227 00:58:51,894 --> 00:58:54,997 THANK YOU SO MUCH. COME BACK AND SEE ME. 1228 00:58:55,030 --> 00:58:57,934 ERICA, THAT'S ENOUGH! ERICA! 1229 00:59:02,037 --> 00:59:05,308 I HAVE TO USE MY LIFE TO MAKE THINGS UP. 1230 00:59:05,341 --> 00:59:08,176 THAT'S WHAT COMEDIANS DO. YOU KNOW THAT. 1231 00:59:08,210 --> 00:59:13,182 YOUR LIFE, BUT NOT MINE. 1232 00:59:08,210 --> 00:59:13,182 I'M SORRY. 1233 00:59:13,215 --> 00:59:16,252 IT'S JUST THAT OUR LIVES ARE ALL TANGLED UP TOGETHER. 1234 00:59:18,187 --> 00:59:19,622 COME ON. 1235 00:59:22,224 --> 00:59:24,994 SO MANY WONDERFUL THINGS ARE HAPPENING FOR ME RIGHT NOW, 1236 00:59:25,027 --> 00:59:26,996 IT HAS TO BE OKAY WITH YOU. 1237 00:59:27,029 --> 00:59:28,998 WHAT WONDERFUL THINGS? 1238 00:59:29,031 --> 00:59:31,000 JUST EVERYTHING. 1239 00:59:31,033 --> 00:59:35,337 ♪ BACK THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE ♪ 1240 00:59:35,371 --> 00:59:37,340 ♪ BEFORE THE DOOR WAS OPEN... ♪ 1241 00:59:37,373 --> 00:59:39,342 THIS IS US. 1242 00:59:39,375 --> 00:59:41,344 LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS! 1243 00:59:41,377 --> 00:59:44,013 WELL, I'M NOT QUITE RICH AND NOT QUITE FAMOUS, 1244 00:59:44,046 --> 00:59:45,982 BUT LOOK WHERE WE ARE! THANKS. 1245 00:59:47,983 --> 00:59:50,853 Dottie: WELCOME TO LIFESTYLES 1246 00:59:50,886 --> 00:59:53,154 OF THE NOT QUITE RICH AND NOT QUITE FAMOUS. 1247 00:59:53,188 --> 00:59:56,192 TODAY WE ARE VISITING OPAL AND ERICA INGELS. 1248 00:59:56,225 --> 00:59:58,694 ALTHOUGH I AM NOT SURE WE'RE GOING TO BE ABLE 1249 00:59:58,727 --> 01:00:01,798 TO VISIT WITH ERICA INGELS BECAUSE SHE IS INTO PRIVACY. 1250 01:00:03,332 --> 01:00:05,701 OH, ALL RIGHT. 1251 01:00:05,734 --> 01:00:10,172 ♪ ...BACK THE WAY IT USED TO BE ♪ 1252 01:00:10,205 --> 01:00:14,210 ♪ EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS FUNNY ♪ 1253 01:00:14,243 --> 01:00:17,712 ♪ BUT THAT DIDN'T EARN ME A PENNY ♪ 1254 01:00:17,746 --> 01:00:22,251 ♪ BACK THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE ♪ 1255 01:00:22,284 --> 01:00:25,888 ♪ BUT NOW MY PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED ♪ 1256 01:00:25,921 --> 01:00:29,225 ♪ AND MY STAR IS ON THE RISE ♪ 1257 01:00:29,258 --> 01:00:30,692 Opal: THAT'S MY MOM! 1258 01:00:30,726 --> 01:00:33,329 ♪ FLASHBULBS POPPIN' ♪ 1259 01:00:33,362 --> 01:00:34,997 ♪ TRAFFIC STOPPIN' ♪ 1260 01:00:35,030 --> 01:00:39,001 ♪ EVERYONE'S MY BEST FRIEND ♪ 1261 01:00:39,034 --> 01:00:41,003 HERE WE ARE. 1262 01:00:41,036 --> 01:00:43,205 PHIL, CAN YOU PUT THOSE IN MY ROOM 1263 01:00:43,238 --> 01:00:45,875 AND THE BAGS IN THE GIRLS' ROOM, PLEASE? 1264 01:00:45,908 --> 01:00:48,210 HOW DID YOU GET ROSES? 1265 01:00:45,908 --> 01:00:48,210 AND YOU KNOW THE BEST THING? 1266 01:00:48,243 --> 01:00:51,212 AFTER THESE DIE, BOOM, NEW ONES. IMMEDIATELY. 1267 01:00:51,246 --> 01:00:53,716 ANYTHING YOU WANT. RED ONES, PINK ONES... 1268 01:00:53,749 --> 01:00:55,817 SILVER ONES? 1269 01:00:53,749 --> 01:00:55,817 SILVER ONES, TOO. 1270 01:00:55,851 --> 01:00:57,753 LOOK AT THIS, A BAR... 1271 01:00:57,786 --> 01:01:01,891 ♪ ...FROM ALL THE TINY LITTLE SANDWICHES SENT UP TO MY ROOM ♪ 1272 01:01:01,924 --> 01:01:04,894 Dottie: YOU SEE THAT? 1273 01:01:01,924 --> 01:01:04,894 Opal: YEAH. 1274 01:01:04,927 --> 01:01:07,229 THAT'S THE MAIN SPOT. MY SPOT. 1275 01:01:07,262 --> 01:01:09,865 IT HAPPENS TO BE THE ONLY ONE THAT I KNOW HOW TO OPERATE. 1276 01:01:09,898 --> 01:01:12,334 HEY, BILLY. THESE ARE MY GIRLS. 1277 01:01:12,367 --> 01:01:14,870 THIS IS ERICA AND THIS IS... 1278 01:01:14,903 --> 01:01:17,339 VERONICA. VERONICA LODGE. 1279 01:01:17,372 --> 01:01:20,009 AND I'M ARCHIE ANDREWS. 1280 01:01:20,042 --> 01:01:22,478 SO, VERONICA, YOU WIN ANY MONEY YET? 1281 01:01:22,511 --> 01:01:24,880 I'M TOO YOUNG. 1282 01:01:24,913 --> 01:01:26,983 MMM, WELL YOU WANT TO COME FOR A SPIN? 1283 01:01:29,051 --> 01:01:31,453 I'LL SHOW YOU THE SIGHTS. 1284 01:01:33,956 --> 01:01:36,225 ( laughter ) 1285 01:01:36,258 --> 01:01:39,028 WHO HERE IS IN LOVE? LET ME SEE SOME HANDS. ANYBODY IN LOVE HERE? 1286 01:01:39,061 --> 01:01:42,098 OH, QUITE A FEW. A VERY LUCKY BUNCH. 1287 01:01:42,131 --> 01:01:44,899 I USED TO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH LOVE. 1288 01:01:44,933 --> 01:01:47,103 I MEAN, I BELIEVED IN LOVE BETWEEN A MOTHER AND A CHILD, 1289 01:01:47,136 --> 01:01:49,105 BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS CAR... 1290 01:01:49,138 --> 01:01:51,073 ( laughter ) 1291 01:01:51,106 --> 01:01:53,275 BUT THIS OTHER KIND OF LOVE I... 1292 01:01:53,308 --> 01:01:56,212 YOU KNOW THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOU REALLY ARE IN LOVE 1293 01:01:56,245 --> 01:01:58,881 AND YOU'RE ALMOST COMPLETELY DERANGED. 1294 01:01:58,914 --> 01:02:01,884 YOU'RE SURE THAT PEOPLE CAN TELL JUST BY LOOKING AT YOU, 1295 01:02:01,917 --> 01:02:04,487 BECAUSE YOU CANNOT STOP SMILING. 1296 01:02:04,520 --> 01:02:07,288 ( laughter ) 1297 01:02:07,322 --> 01:02:12,128 A HORRIBLE CAR ACCIDENT HAPPENS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES. 1298 01:02:12,161 --> 01:02:15,931 ( laughter ) 1299 01:02:15,964 --> 01:02:18,334 TWENTY-THREE PEOPLE GET WHIPLASH. 1300 01:02:18,367 --> 01:02:21,237 ( laughter ) 1301 01:02:21,270 --> 01:02:23,906 YOU WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. 1302 01:02:23,939 --> 01:02:27,042 SOMETHING NICE HAPPENED. WHAT WAS IT? 1303 01:02:27,075 --> 01:02:29,779 RIGHT. IT WAS LOVE. 1304 01:02:37,286 --> 01:02:41,223 ...AND THEN HE LET ME WEAR HIS HAT, AND IT WAS SO AMAZING, 1305 01:02:41,256 --> 01:02:44,026 BECAUSE WHEN MOM WAS TALKING ABOUT LOVE, 1306 01:02:44,059 --> 01:02:47,229 I FELT LIKE IT WAS TOTALLY ABOUT ME. 1307 01:02:47,262 --> 01:02:50,032 IT WAS EVERYTHING I WAS FEELING AND SHE WAS JUST SAYING IT. 1308 01:02:50,065 --> 01:02:52,902 IT WAS LIKE A DEJA VU. 1309 01:02:52,935 --> 01:02:55,004 THAT'S NOT WHAT DEJA VU IS. 1310 01:02:56,405 --> 01:02:58,374 I COULDN'T BELIEVE ALL THAT STUFF. 1311 01:02:58,407 --> 01:03:01,076 SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN LOVE. 1312 01:03:01,109 --> 01:03:04,380 ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE, SHE'S BECOME A GIANT FAKE. 1313 01:03:04,413 --> 01:03:07,249 THEN I HAD TO GIVE THE HAT BACK. 1314 01:03:07,282 --> 01:03:09,919 I DON'T KNOW IF I'M EVER GONNA SEE HIM AGAIN. 1315 01:03:09,952 --> 01:03:12,488 OH GOD, ERICA, IS THIS WHAT MY LIFE'S GONNA BE LIKE? 1316 01:03:16,058 --> 01:03:18,227 ( door opens ) 1317 01:03:18,260 --> 01:03:20,896 Man Whispering: ARE YOU SURE THIS IS OKAY? 1318 01:03:20,929 --> 01:03:23,299 Dottie: SHHH! LET ME JUST SEE IF THEY'RE ASLEEP. 1319 01:03:29,972 --> 01:03:32,441 ( door closes ) 1320 01:03:45,554 --> 01:03:47,490 GIVE ME THE GLASS. 1321 01:03:52,094 --> 01:03:54,030 WHAT'S HAPPENING? 1322 01:04:00,402 --> 01:04:03,038 THEY'RE GOING INTO THE BEDROOM. 1323 01:04:03,071 --> 01:04:05,908 ( door closes ) 1324 01:04:05,941 --> 01:04:08,144 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 1325 01:04:05,941 --> 01:04:08,144 SHHH! 1326 01:04:44,379 --> 01:04:46,682 HOW OLD WOULD YOU SAY HE WAS? 1327 01:04:46,715 --> 01:04:49,518 TWENTY-SOMETHING AT THE MOST. 1328 01:04:49,551 --> 01:04:51,520 THIS IS JUST REVOLTING. 1329 01:04:51,553 --> 01:04:53,489 HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? 1330 01:04:55,090 --> 01:04:57,059 MIND IF WE JOIN YOU? 1331 01:04:57,092 --> 01:04:59,261 HERE'S YOUR BREAKFAST, GIRLS. 1332 01:04:59,294 --> 01:05:02,064 HOW DO YOU TWO DO AT THE TABLES LAST NIGHT? WIN A BUNDLE? 1333 01:05:02,097 --> 01:05:04,934 WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I TOLD YOU OUR MOTHER 1334 01:05:04,967 --> 01:05:08,270 WAS SLEEPING WITH SOMEBODY TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE? 1335 01:05:08,303 --> 01:05:10,538 THAT'S THE ONLY TYPE I EVER SLEEP WITH. 1336 01:05:10,572 --> 01:05:12,942 WE KNOW. 1337 01:05:12,975 --> 01:05:15,411 SOMEONE WHO IS COMPLETELY THE WRONG AGE. 1338 01:05:15,444 --> 01:05:18,948 WE'RE TALKING PARENT-CHILD HERE. 1339 01:05:18,981 --> 01:05:20,516 Dottie: GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE. 1340 01:05:22,417 --> 01:05:24,386 SOMETHING HAPPENING? 1341 01:05:24,419 --> 01:05:27,256 WHAT'S THE MATTER, SWEETIE. WHAT HAPPENED? 1342 01:05:27,289 --> 01:05:30,259 I WAS JUST TALKING WITH YOUR WONDERFUL GIRLS HERE AND I'M AFRAID 1343 01:05:30,292 --> 01:05:32,995 WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TELL THEM WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON. 1344 01:05:33,028 --> 01:05:36,265 JUST PUT EVERYTHING ON THE TABLE. 1345 01:05:36,298 --> 01:05:39,401 OPAL THINKS YOU'RE INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WHO'S WRONG FOR YOU. 1346 01:05:39,434 --> 01:05:43,072 INAPPROPRIATE. 1347 01:05:39,434 --> 01:05:43,072 REALLY? 1348 01:05:43,105 --> 01:05:45,574 NOW, I HAVE A LOT OF EXPERIENCE. 1349 01:05:45,607 --> 01:05:48,577 THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE AS OLD AS I AM. 1350 01:05:48,610 --> 01:05:50,980 AND I HAPPEN TO KNOW 1351 01:05:51,013 --> 01:05:53,649 THAT CHILDREN WHOSE PARENTS ARE DIVORCED ALWAYS HAVE A ROUGH TIME 1352 01:05:53,682 --> 01:05:56,417 WITH THE IDEA THAT THEIR MOTHER IS WITH SOMEONE NEW 1353 01:05:56,451 --> 01:05:58,420 BECAUSE SOMEWHERE THEY HAVE THIS FANTASY 1354 01:05:58,453 --> 01:06:00,990 THAT THEIR FATHER IS COMING BACK. 1355 01:06:01,023 --> 01:06:03,726 I DON'T HAVE ANY FANTASIES ABOUT MY FATHER. 1356 01:06:03,759 --> 01:06:06,595 I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER MY FATHER. 1357 01:06:06,628 --> 01:06:09,264 I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER ONE SINGLE THING ABOUT MY FATHER. 1358 01:06:09,297 --> 01:06:12,267 WELL, BELIEVE ME, SWEETHEART, THE FANTASY IS THERE. 1359 01:06:12,300 --> 01:06:15,270 THIS ISN'T ABOUT OUR FATHER. THIS IS ABOUT MOM SLEEPING WITH 1360 01:06:15,303 --> 01:06:17,740 SOMEONE YOUNG ENOUGH WHO'S YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE OPAL'S BOYFRIEND. 1361 01:06:17,773 --> 01:06:20,409 I'M SLEEPING WITH HIM. 1362 01:06:17,773 --> 01:06:20,409 WITH "THE MOSS"? 1363 01:06:20,442 --> 01:06:22,678 YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH "THE MOSS"? 1364 01:06:22,711 --> 01:06:25,513 "THE MOSS"? 1365 01:06:25,547 --> 01:06:28,417 WHAT ABOUT CLAUDIA? 1366 01:06:25,547 --> 01:06:28,417 WHAT ABOUT ME? 1367 01:06:28,450 --> 01:06:31,086 YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH "THE MOSS". 1368 01:06:31,119 --> 01:06:33,255 WHAT ON EARTH GAVE YOU THAT IDEA? 1369 01:06:33,288 --> 01:06:36,291 YOU SAID SO. YOU SAID YOU WERE HUNG UP 1370 01:06:36,324 --> 01:06:39,094 ON SOME CRAZY FAT GUY WHO WAS ABOUT 20 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU. 1371 01:06:39,127 --> 01:06:41,296 I'M NOT 20 YEARS OLDER THAN HER. 1372 01:06:41,329 --> 01:06:43,732 THAT JUST ABOUT DESCRIBES JUST ABOUT EVERY GUY I GO OUT WITH. 1373 01:06:43,765 --> 01:06:46,067 WHEN YOU'RE MY AGE, HONEY, THAT'S ALL THERE IS. 1374 01:06:46,101 --> 01:06:49,304 WHAT ABOUT THE HAT? 1375 01:06:46,101 --> 01:06:49,304 WHAT HAT? 1376 01:06:49,337 --> 01:06:51,440 THE METS HAT. 1377 01:06:51,473 --> 01:06:54,375 THE LIGHTING GUY GAVE THAT TO ME. THAT'S FOR YOU. 1378 01:06:54,409 --> 01:06:56,412 IT'S MINE. 1379 01:06:54,409 --> 01:06:56,412 YES. 1380 01:06:56,445 --> 01:06:59,281 HE GAVE IT TO ME? BILLY GAVE IT TO ME? 1381 01:06:59,314 --> 01:07:02,051 I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT AT A TIME LIKE THIS. 1382 01:07:02,084 --> 01:07:06,055 AT A TIME LIKE WHAT? 1383 01:07:02,084 --> 01:07:06,055 ARE YOU IN LOVE? 1384 01:07:13,595 --> 01:07:16,464 DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT ALL SHE WANTED WAS TO HAVE US 1385 01:07:16,498 --> 01:07:19,368 AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE SO SHE COULD JUST CARRY ON WITH HIM? 1386 01:07:21,169 --> 01:07:23,605 SUPPOSE THEY GET MARRIED AND HE ADOPTS US? 1387 01:07:23,638 --> 01:07:25,574 COULD HE DO THAT? 1388 01:07:25,607 --> 01:07:27,543 THEY COULD DO ANYTHING THEY WANT. 1389 01:07:27,576 --> 01:07:30,546 OUR LAST NAME WOULD BE MOSS. 1390 01:07:30,579 --> 01:07:33,349 I'D BE OPAL MOSS. 1391 01:07:34,783 --> 01:07:37,053 WE'D ALL BE "THE MOSS". 1392 01:07:38,787 --> 01:07:41,756 DAD HAS TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING. 1393 01:07:38,787 --> 01:07:41,756 DAD? 1394 01:07:41,790 --> 01:07:43,759 HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT US. 1395 01:07:43,792 --> 01:07:46,428 DO YOU THINK HE WANTS SOMEONE ELSE TO ADOPT US? 1396 01:07:46,461 --> 01:07:49,098 IF ARNOLD MOSS ADOPTS US, YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN? 1397 01:07:49,131 --> 01:07:51,100 SHE'LL GO AWAY ON BUSINESS TRIPS, 1398 01:07:51,133 --> 01:07:53,602 AND GUESS WHO WE'LL BE LIVING WITH? 1399 01:07:53,635 --> 01:07:55,604 THE MOSS? 1400 01:07:53,635 --> 01:07:55,604 DUH. 1401 01:07:55,637 --> 01:07:57,606 WE'VE GOT TO TELL DAD. 1402 01:07:57,639 --> 01:07:59,608 HOW ARE WE GONNA FIND HIM? 1403 01:07:59,641 --> 01:08:03,579 Erica: THE AMAZING THING WAS THAT MOM WAS RIGHT, FOR ONCE. 1404 01:08:03,612 --> 01:08:06,315 EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS TWO PHONE CALLS AWAY FROM 1405 01:08:06,348 --> 01:08:09,418 EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. FIRST I CALLED RUBY. 1406 01:08:09,451 --> 01:08:11,887 RUBY, HI. THIS IS ERICA. 1407 01:08:11,920 --> 01:08:14,890 FINE. SHE'S FINE. 1408 01:08:14,923 --> 01:08:17,593 RUBY, DIDN'T YOU TELL US ONCE 1409 01:08:17,626 --> 01:08:20,596 THAT YOU KNEW A PRIVATE DETECTIVE? 1410 01:08:20,629 --> 01:08:24,198 WELL, I'M DOING THIS PROJECT FOR SCHOOL, AND... 1411 01:08:24,232 --> 01:08:27,136 Erica: AND THEN I CALLED THIS PRIVATE DETECTIVE ON WEST 53rd STREET. 1412 01:08:27,169 --> 01:08:31,340 YES, THIS IS ERICA INGELS. I'D LIKE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT. 1413 01:08:31,372 --> 01:08:34,776 IT'S ABOUT A MISSING PERSONS CASE. 1414 01:08:34,809 --> 01:08:37,546 COULD IT BE A LITTLE LATER, AFTER 3:15? 1415 01:08:39,814 --> 01:08:43,318 THAT'S FINE. THANKS. DOES HE TAKE VISA? 1416 01:08:43,350 --> 01:08:45,453 Detective: MISS, DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE USED TO WORK? 1417 01:08:45,487 --> 01:08:46,654 NO. 1418 01:08:46,688 --> 01:08:50,559 DID YOU BRING ME A PHOTOGRAPH OF HIM? 1419 01:08:50,591 --> 01:08:52,560 WE DON'T HAVE ONE. 1420 01:08:52,594 --> 01:08:54,897 HE HATED CARPETING. 1421 01:08:57,432 --> 01:08:59,868 MUCHAS GRACIAS. 1422 01:09:02,237 --> 01:09:04,907 HOW DID HE FIND HIM? 1423 01:09:02,237 --> 01:09:04,907 I DON'T KNOW. 1424 01:09:04,939 --> 01:09:07,308 CREDIT CARDS OR SOMETHING. 1425 01:09:07,341 --> 01:09:10,312 IT WAS SO EASY. IT WAS JUST LIKE HE'S BEEN IN THE LOST AND FOUND, 1426 01:09:10,345 --> 01:09:12,781 ONLY HE HASN'T. HE'S BEEN IN ALBANY. 1427 01:09:12,814 --> 01:09:15,918 YOU'RE JUST GOING TO GO LIVE IN ALBANY? 1428 01:09:15,951 --> 01:09:18,888 JUST LIKE THAT? 1429 01:09:15,951 --> 01:09:18,888 I'M NOT SURE. 1430 01:09:21,356 --> 01:09:23,791 SHE'S NOT REALLY A SUITABLE MOTHER. 1431 01:09:23,825 --> 01:09:25,794 I MEAN, I'M ALREADY PRACTICALLY GROWN UP, 1432 01:09:25,827 --> 01:09:28,463 BUT WHAT ABOUT OPAL? SHE STILL NEEDS A PARENT. 1433 01:09:28,496 --> 01:09:31,900 MAYBE HE'S WORSE THAN YOUR MOM. MAYBE HE DRINKS. 1434 01:09:31,933 --> 01:09:34,269 MAYBE HE'S A MANIAC. 1435 01:09:34,301 --> 01:09:38,573 MAYBE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH. 1436 01:09:38,607 --> 01:09:43,912 MAYBE THE HELL YOU KNOW 1437 01:09:43,944 --> 01:09:46,615 IS BETTER THAN THE ONE YOU DON'T. 1438 01:09:51,620 --> 01:09:53,555 WHAT ABOUT US? 1439 01:09:56,591 --> 01:10:00,896 Mimicking TV In Unison: "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS". 1440 01:10:03,965 --> 01:10:06,669 VERY RICH. 1441 01:10:03,965 --> 01:10:06,669 LIFESTYLES. 1442 01:10:08,970 --> 01:10:12,407 ( giggling ) 1443 01:10:12,440 --> 01:10:14,942 MOM'S IN LOVE. GUESS WHO WITH? 1444 01:10:14,976 --> 01:10:16,945 I HAVEN'T A CLUE. 1445 01:10:14,976 --> 01:10:16,945 ARNOLD MOSS. 1446 01:10:16,978 --> 01:10:19,915 YOUR MOTHER DOES NOT MESS AROUND. 1447 01:10:19,948 --> 01:10:22,317 IT'S SO DISGUSTING. 1448 01:10:22,350 --> 01:10:24,319 NO, LISTEN, OPAL. I THINK THAT'S VERY NICE 1449 01:10:24,352 --> 01:10:26,388 THAT YOUR MOTHER'S HAVING A RELATIONSHIP. 1450 01:10:26,421 --> 01:10:28,991 SEX. SHE'S HAVING SEX. 1451 01:10:29,024 --> 01:10:31,793 YES, WELL, I GUESS THAT'S PART OF IT, BUT IT'S NOT ALL OF IT. 1452 01:10:31,826 --> 01:10:34,596 I MEAN, IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE, I MEAN, NOT WITH THE MOSS. 1453 01:10:34,629 --> 01:10:37,332 ( giggling ) 1454 01:10:37,365 --> 01:10:39,034 I'M SORRY. OH, GOD, I'M SORRY. 1455 01:10:39,067 --> 01:10:42,804 I SHOULD NOT BE LAUGHING AT YOUR TRAGEDY. 1456 01:10:42,837 --> 01:10:44,940 DO YOU DO IT? 1457 01:10:42,837 --> 01:10:44,940 WHAT? 1458 01:10:44,973 --> 01:10:47,476 DO YOU HAVE SEX? 1459 01:10:44,973 --> 01:10:47,476 OH, YES, SURE. 1460 01:10:47,509 --> 01:10:49,411 DO YOU. 1461 01:10:47,509 --> 01:10:49,411 SURE. 1462 01:10:50,979 --> 01:10:53,548 YOU KNOW, YOUR MOTHER WILL PROBABLY 1463 01:10:53,581 --> 01:10:56,318 BE ON THIS SHOW SOME DAY. IF SHE'S SLEEPING WITH THE MOSS, 1464 01:10:56,351 --> 01:10:58,786 SHE'S HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE TOP. 1465 01:10:58,820 --> 01:11:01,322 YOU'RE RIGHT. WE'LL PROBABLY NEVER SEE HER AGAIN 1466 01:11:01,356 --> 01:11:03,791 UNLESS SHE'S ON TELEVISION. OR UNLESS SHE CAN MANAGE 1467 01:11:03,825 --> 01:11:07,263 TO COMBINE BEING HOME WITH BEING ON TELEVISION. 1468 01:11:11,366 --> 01:11:13,935 WELCOME TO LIFESTYLES OF THE ALMOST RICH, NEARLY FAMOUS 1469 01:11:13,968 --> 01:11:16,338 AND NEVER HOME. 1470 01:11:16,371 --> 01:11:19,408 TONIGHT, WE TRAVEL THE SUBWAY TO THE WEST SIDE OF MANHATTAN 1471 01:11:19,441 --> 01:11:22,943 TO VISIT THE APARTMENT OF COMEDIAN DOTTIE INGELS. 1472 01:11:22,977 --> 01:11:25,814 THIS IS MARTIN THE DOORMAN WHOSE COUSIN 1473 01:11:25,847 --> 01:11:30,052 PAINTED DOTTIE INGELS' WALLS THAT SHE ALMOST NEVER SEES. 1474 01:11:30,085 --> 01:11:32,821 MARTIN, TELL ME, HOW OFTEN WOULD YOU SAY 1475 01:11:32,854 --> 01:11:35,791 THE ALMOST RICH, NEARLY FAMOUS AND NEVER HOME DOTTIE INGELS 1476 01:11:35,824 --> 01:11:39,327 IS ACTUALLY IN RESIDENCE? IS IT FAIR TO SAY NEVER? 1477 01:11:39,361 --> 01:11:40,929 WE'LL TAKE THAT SHRUG TO MEAN ALMOST NEVER, 1478 01:11:40,962 --> 01:11:43,799 BECAUSE ON THIS CLOUDY DAY IN MAY WHEN 1479 01:11:43,832 --> 01:11:46,468 LIFESTYLES OF THE ALMOST RICH, NEARLY FAMOUS AND NEVER HOME 1480 01:11:46,501 --> 01:11:48,804 DECIDED TO VISIT COMEDIAN DOTTIE INGELS, 1481 01:11:48,837 --> 01:11:51,473 SHE AGREED FOR ONCE TO BE THERE SINCE HER APPEARANCE 1482 01:11:51,506 --> 01:11:54,009 WILL BE ON TELEVISION AND WILL POSSIBLY FURTHER HER CAREER. 1483 01:11:54,042 --> 01:11:57,946 DOTTIE AND I SAT IN HER BEDROOM AMIDST THE DOTS SHE IS NEARLY FAMOUS FOR 1484 01:11:57,979 --> 01:12:00,949 AND TALKED. DOTTIE, TELL ME, 1485 01:12:00,982 --> 01:12:03,752 WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR MATERIAL? 1486 01:12:06,855 --> 01:12:09,491 ALL ARTISTS USE THINGS FROM THEIR LIVES, ROBIN, 1487 01:12:09,524 --> 01:12:12,361 AND I AM NO EXCEPTION. NO SIRREE. 1488 01:12:12,394 --> 01:12:15,530 FOR INSTANCE, MY AUNT, WHO SAVED ME AND MY TWO GIRLS, 1489 01:12:15,563 --> 01:12:17,499 OR IS IT BOYS? 1490 01:12:17,532 --> 01:12:21,136 NO, I BELIEVE I HAVE GIRLS. AND, WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES? 1491 01:12:21,169 --> 01:12:24,139 AH, NEVER MIND, IT'LL COME TO ME. 1492 01:12:24,172 --> 01:12:27,442 MY AUNT, WHO SAVED ME FROM STARVATION AND POVERTY DIED 1493 01:12:27,475 --> 01:12:30,379 AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, SHE WAS A JOKE IN MY ACT. 1494 01:12:30,412 --> 01:12:33,949 MY DAUGHTER GOT ALL UPSET AND THE FIRST CHANCE I HAD, I BLABBED IT ON TELEVISION. 1495 01:12:33,982 --> 01:12:37,486 I USE PEOPLE UP AND I SPIT THEM OUT. 1496 01:12:37,519 --> 01:12:40,455 NOW I AM SLEEPING WITH A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON 1497 01:12:40,488 --> 01:12:43,058 AND PRETENDING TO BE IN LOVE. I MEAN, WHAT, I ASK YOU, 1498 01:12:43,091 --> 01:12:45,827 WHAT IS THE POINT OF LOVE IF IT CAN'T GET YOU SOMEWHERE? 1499 01:12:45,860 --> 01:12:47,862 BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY. 1500 01:12:47,896 --> 01:12:51,833 OH, THERE ARE MY TWO GIRLS NOW. OH, AT LEAST I THINK IT'S THEM. 1501 01:12:51,866 --> 01:12:55,437 ERICA, DON'T CHEW YOUR HAIR. OPAL, YOU'RE PERFECT. 1502 01:12:55,470 --> 01:12:58,940 OPEN YOUR EARS, CLOSE YOUR EYES, ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION? 1503 01:12:58,973 --> 01:13:01,910 THIS IS A LIFE LESSON. EVERYTHING IS MATERIAL. 1504 01:13:01,943 --> 01:13:03,945 I'LL BE BACK IN 20 YEARS. 1505 01:13:03,978 --> 01:13:07,048 THINK OF IT AS AN ADVENTURE, GIRLS. 1506 01:13:07,081 --> 01:13:11,587 MIA, LYNN... IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US. 1507 01:13:20,528 --> 01:13:24,166 YOU UNGRATEFUL, SELFISH... 1508 01:13:20,528 --> 01:13:24,166 BITCH! 1509 01:13:24,199 --> 01:13:26,701 SHUT YOUR MOUTH, ERICA. 1510 01:13:24,199 --> 01:13:26,701 NO! 1511 01:13:26,734 --> 01:13:30,705 THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT I'VE BEEN AWAY FROM YOU IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! 1512 01:13:30,738 --> 01:13:34,676 DON'T I EVER GET A TURN? ISN'T IT EVER OKAY FOR ME TO HAVE A LIFE? 1513 01:13:34,709 --> 01:13:37,679 YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS. 1514 01:13:37,712 --> 01:13:40,182 WHEN I WAS UNHAPPY, MY DAUGHTERS WERE HAPPY. 1515 01:13:40,215 --> 01:13:42,517 HOW THAT I'M HAPPY, YOU'RE MISERABLE. 1516 01:13:42,550 --> 01:13:44,519 IS THAT FAIR? IS IT? 1517 01:13:44,552 --> 01:13:46,655 I'M NOT TALKING WITH HIM IN THE ROOM. 1518 01:13:46,688 --> 01:13:50,025 HE'S WITH ME. 1519 01:13:46,688 --> 01:13:50,025 OH, SO YOU'RE CHOOSING BETWEEN US? 1520 01:13:50,058 --> 01:13:52,694 MY DAD WOULD REALLY LOVE THIS IF HE KNEW ABOUT IT. 1521 01:13:52,727 --> 01:13:55,497 YOUR DAD? IF YOU'RE SO UNHAPPY, 1522 01:13:55,530 --> 01:13:57,499 WHY DON'T YOU GO LIVE WITH YOUR DAD? 1523 01:13:57,532 --> 01:14:00,035 MAYBE I WILL. 1524 01:13:57,532 --> 01:14:00,035 GOOD. 1525 01:14:00,068 --> 01:14:02,838 OH, RIGHT, I FORGOT. YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS. 1526 01:14:02,871 --> 01:14:04,706 AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS. 1527 01:14:04,739 --> 01:14:07,576 COULD THAT BE BECAUSE HE DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANY OF US?! 1528 01:14:07,609 --> 01:14:10,178 NO! OF COURSE NOT! 1529 01:14:07,609 --> 01:14:10,178 JUST BECAUSE HE COULDN'T STAND YOU 1530 01:14:10,211 --> 01:14:12,781 DOESN'T MEAN HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO US. 1531 01:14:12,814 --> 01:14:15,083 YOU SHUT UP! 1532 01:14:12,814 --> 01:14:15,083 I HATE YOU! 1533 01:14:18,553 --> 01:14:20,856 ( slams door ) 1534 01:14:20,889 --> 01:14:22,657 EXCUSE ME, I HAVE HOMEWORK. 1535 01:14:22,690 --> 01:14:24,526 ON THE WEEKEND? 1536 01:14:24,559 --> 01:14:26,595 I HAVE HOMEWORK EVERY WEEKEND, BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW. 1537 01:14:30,532 --> 01:14:33,168 WHAT DO THEY EXPECT ME TO DO? 1538 01:14:33,201 --> 01:14:35,938 DO THEY WANT ME TO GO BACK TO THE COSMETICS COUNTER? 1539 01:14:42,210 --> 01:14:45,680 DO YO WANT ME TO SELL COSMETICS FOREVER, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? 1540 01:14:45,713 --> 01:14:47,983 GET OUT! JUST GET OUT! 1541 01:14:48,016 --> 01:14:49,951 ALL RIGHT! 1542 01:14:55,223 --> 01:14:57,859 WHO WAS I SUPPOSE TO LEAVE THEM WITH? 1543 01:14:57,892 --> 01:15:00,963 OTHER PEOPLE HAVE HUSBANDS, RELATIVES, SOMEBODY. 1544 01:15:06,701 --> 01:15:09,304 WHO WAS I SUPPOSE TO LEAVE YOU WITH ANYWAY? 1545 01:15:09,337 --> 01:15:12,173 YOU SOLVE THIS PROBLEM! YOU TELL ME, ALL RIGHT! 1546 01:15:12,206 --> 01:15:14,976 FISHKA FISHKA FOON, FISHKA FISHKA FOON... 1547 01:15:15,009 --> 01:15:19,848 ERICA, I DON'T HAVE ANYONE! 1548 01:15:19,881 --> 01:15:23,318 I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO HELP ME! 1549 01:15:23,351 --> 01:15:25,987 SHE REALLY DOESN'T. 1550 01:15:26,020 --> 01:15:27,989 SORRY, ERICA. 1551 01:15:28,022 --> 01:15:29,991 FISHKA FISHKA FOON, FISHKA FISHKA FOON, 1552 01:15:30,024 --> 01:15:31,960 FISHKA FISHKA FOON. 1553 01:15:44,706 --> 01:15:48,944 OPENING ON WEST END AVENUE, A REVIVAL OF FLAPJACKS. 1554 01:15:51,045 --> 01:15:53,949 COME ON. HEY, COME ON, WE CAN TALK. 1555 01:16:02,223 --> 01:16:03,926 ( knocking on door ) OPAL, SWEETHEART? 1556 01:16:10,698 --> 01:16:12,667 ( knocking on door ) 1557 01:16:12,700 --> 01:16:15,003 ERICA? 1558 01:16:15,036 --> 01:16:17,639 ( knocking continues ) ERICA? 1559 01:16:20,041 --> 01:16:21,977 ERICA? 1560 01:16:29,317 --> 01:16:31,953 ( sighs ) 1561 01:16:31,986 --> 01:16:35,690 ♪ BACK THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE ♪ 1562 01:16:35,723 --> 01:16:39,693 ♪ BEFORE THE HEART WAS BROKEN ♪ 1563 01:16:39,727 --> 01:16:43,999 ♪ PLAYING HOOKY MAKING COOKIES ♪ 1564 01:16:44,032 --> 01:16:47,002 ♪ WE WERE ALWAYS JOKING ♪ 1565 01:16:47,035 --> 01:16:52,206 ♪ BACK THE WAY IT USED TO BE ♪ 1566 01:16:52,240 --> 01:16:56,010 ♪ TALKS DIDN'T END IN A QUARREL ♪ 1567 01:16:56,044 --> 01:16:59,347 ♪ EVERYTHING SEEMS SO NORMAL ♪ 1568 01:16:59,380 --> 01:17:04,019 ♪ BACK THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE ♪ 1569 01:17:04,052 --> 01:17:09,023 ♪ BUT NOW THE LIMO PULLS UP TO THE DOOR ♪ 1570 01:17:09,057 --> 01:17:11,860 ♪ AND SHE GET IN ♪ 1571 01:17:11,893 --> 01:17:16,698 ♪ SHE CALLS "BYE-BYE, HONEY, HERE IS SOME MONEY ♪ 1572 01:17:16,731 --> 01:17:21,637 ♪ I FORGOT THE GROCERIES ♪ 1573 01:17:25,039 --> 01:17:27,876 HI, YOU BEEN WAITING LONG? 1574 01:17:25,039 --> 01:17:27,876 NO. 1575 01:17:27,909 --> 01:17:30,010 OH, THAT'S GOOD, BECAUSE I'VE GOT THE TV GOING AND THE VACUUM, 1576 01:17:30,044 --> 01:17:32,213 I DIDN'T HEAR A DAMN THING. 1577 01:17:32,246 --> 01:17:34,249 WHAT ARE YOU SELLING? I'M ALWAYS LOOKING. 1578 01:17:34,282 --> 01:17:38,219 I'M ERICA INGELS. THIS IS OPAL. 1579 01:17:38,252 --> 01:17:40,889 OH, THEN YOU MUST BE RELATIVES OF NORM'S. 1580 01:17:40,922 --> 01:17:44,025 I'M HIS WIFE, MARTHA. 1581 01:17:40,922 --> 01:17:44,025 WE'RE HIS CHILDREN. 1582 01:17:44,058 --> 01:17:47,028 YOU DON'T SAY. 1583 01:17:47,061 --> 01:17:49,764 ( stammering ) 1584 01:17:49,797 --> 01:17:53,867 I DO BELIEVE THAT HE MENTIONED HE HAD KIDS ONCE UPON A TIME. 1585 01:17:53,901 --> 01:17:57,105 WELL, COME ON IN. WON'T NORM BE SURPRISED. 1586 01:18:06,380 --> 01:18:08,850 ( dialing phone ) 1587 01:18:12,386 --> 01:18:17,358 NORM? HI. I'VE GOT A BIG SURPRISE FOR YOU. 1588 01:18:17,391 --> 01:18:19,161 YOUR GIRLS ARE HERE. 1589 01:18:21,062 --> 01:18:23,231 Whispering: ERICA AND OPAL. 1590 01:18:23,264 --> 01:18:26,034 NO KIDDING. 1591 01:18:26,067 --> 01:18:27,002 OKAY. 1592 01:18:29,971 --> 01:18:33,275 HE WAS REAL SURPRISED. HE'LL BE HERE IN TWO SHAKES. 1593 01:18:38,513 --> 01:18:41,216 WHAT DOES HE DO? 1594 01:18:41,249 --> 01:18:44,219 OH, DEAR. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE DOES? 1595 01:18:44,252 --> 01:18:46,888 HE'S A MIDDLEMAN, AND TO TELL THE TRUTH, 1596 01:18:46,921 --> 01:18:49,357 I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT IS, 1597 01:18:49,390 --> 01:18:52,227 EXCEPT IT DOES HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH FRUIT. 1598 01:18:52,260 --> 01:18:56,164 YOU MEAN HE GETS A BUNCH OF APPLES FROM SOMEPLACE AND GETS THEM TO A AND P? 1599 01:18:56,197 --> 01:18:59,234 MAYBE. HE TOLD ME A COUPLE OF TIMES, 1600 01:18:59,267 --> 01:19:01,536 BUT IT JUST FLEW RIGHT OUT OF MY HEAD. 1601 01:19:01,569 --> 01:19:04,405 HON, JUST THE OTHER DAY. I WAS READING THIS ARTICLE IN 1602 01:19:04,438 --> 01:19:08,009 PEOPLE MAGAZINE ABOUT THAT MAN WHO MURDERED HIS ENTIRE FAMILY 1603 01:19:08,042 --> 01:19:10,545 INCLUDING THE GRANDMA 18 YEARS AGO, THEN HE WENT OFF, 1604 01:19:10,578 --> 01:19:15,250 GOT MARRIED AGAIN. AND HIS NEW WIFE HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. 1605 01:19:15,283 --> 01:19:18,520 I SAID TO MYSELF, MARTHA, THAT COULD BE YOU. 1606 01:19:18,553 --> 01:19:21,022 YOU DON'T KNOW THE LEAST LITTLE THING ABOUT NORM 1607 01:19:21,055 --> 01:19:23,491 AND WHAT HE TELLS YOU, YOU FORGET. 1608 01:19:23,524 --> 01:19:26,027 YOU WANT SOME LEMONADE? 1609 01:19:26,060 --> 01:19:28,463 NO, THANK YOU. 1610 01:19:26,060 --> 01:19:28,463 YES, THANKS. 1611 01:19:32,533 --> 01:19:34,502 LOOK. 1612 01:19:32,533 --> 01:19:34,502 WHAT? 1613 01:19:34,535 --> 01:19:36,905 THEY HAVE CARPETING. 1614 01:19:36,938 --> 01:19:39,374 I NEVER SHOULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING TO YOU ABOUT CARPETING. 1615 01:19:39,407 --> 01:19:40,976 YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH CARPETING. 1616 01:19:42,543 --> 01:19:44,478 ( dial tone ) 1617 01:19:47,081 --> 01:19:49,918 I CALLED ALL THEIR FRIENDS. 1618 01:19:49,951 --> 01:19:52,253 I CALLED THE BABY-SITTERS. 1619 01:19:52,286 --> 01:19:54,923 SHOULD I CALL THE POLICE? 1620 01:19:52,286 --> 01:19:54,923 THEY'RE GOING TO BE BACK. 1621 01:19:54,956 --> 01:19:56,925 I PROMISE YOU THEY'RE GOING TO BE BACK. 1622 01:19:56,958 --> 01:19:59,027 SIT TIGHT. THE PHONE IS GONNA RING. 1623 01:19:59,060 --> 01:20:01,029 IT'S NOT RINGING. 1624 01:20:01,062 --> 01:20:02,998 COME HERE AND SIT NEXT TO ME. 1625 01:20:04,398 --> 01:20:06,001 WE'LL WAIT. 1626 01:20:16,410 --> 01:20:18,379 I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON. 1627 01:20:18,412 --> 01:20:21,249 THEY LOVE YOU. 1628 01:20:21,282 --> 01:20:23,918 PEOPLE LOVE TERRIBLE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME. 1629 01:20:23,951 --> 01:20:26,488 THAT'S TRUE. SOMEONE WAS MARRIED TO POL POT. 1630 01:20:28,589 --> 01:20:30,558 ERICA WAS RIGHT. 1631 01:20:30,591 --> 01:20:33,061 I REALLY DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THEM. 1632 01:20:33,094 --> 01:20:35,930 I MEAN, I DID THINK ABOUT THEM. 1633 01:20:35,963 --> 01:20:38,398 IN THE BEGINNING I THOUGHT ABOUT THEM ALL THE TIME. 1634 01:20:38,432 --> 01:20:41,902 I SPENT 16 YEARS DOING NOTHING BUT THINKING ABOUT THEM 1635 01:20:41,936 --> 01:20:44,072 AND NOW I SPENT THREE MONTHS THINKING ABOUT MYSELF 1636 01:20:44,105 --> 01:20:47,008 AND I FEEL LIKE I MURDERED THEM. 1637 01:20:47,041 --> 01:20:49,544 YOU HAD TO TRAVEL, IT'S PART OF WORK. 1638 01:20:49,577 --> 01:20:52,247 LOOK, KIDS ARE HAPPY WHEN THEIR MOTHER IS HAPPY. 1639 01:20:52,280 --> 01:20:55,250 NO, THEY'RE NOT. EVERYONE SAYS THAT, BUT IT'S NOT TRUE. 1640 01:20:55,283 --> 01:20:58,253 KIDS ARE HAPPY IF YOU'RE THERE. YOU GIVE KIDS A CHOICE, 1641 01:20:58,286 --> 01:21:00,922 YOUR MOTHER IN THE NEXT ROOM ON THE VERGE OF SUICIDE 1642 01:21:00,955 --> 01:21:03,391 VERSUS YOUR MOTHER IN HAWAII IN ECSTASY, 1643 01:21:03,424 --> 01:21:07,028 THEY CHOOSE SUICIDE IN THE NEXT ROOM, BELIEVE ME. 1644 01:21:15,303 --> 01:21:17,071 DID YOU EVER SEE IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE? 1645 01:21:17,104 --> 01:21:18,573 SURE. 1646 01:21:18,606 --> 01:21:21,541 IT'S ABOUT THIS GUY WHO HAS DREAMS, HE WANTS TO TRAVEL, 1647 01:21:21,575 --> 01:21:24,412 HE WANTS TO BUILD BRIDGES, BUT IN THE END WE'RE SUPPOSED TO 1648 01:21:24,445 --> 01:21:27,048 BELIEVE THAT HE'S BETTER OFF BECAUSE HE NEVER DID ANY OF IT? 1649 01:21:27,081 --> 01:21:29,918 NOW, THAT'S ALL CRAP. IT'S CRAP. 1650 01:21:29,951 --> 01:21:32,921 I LOVE THAT MOVIE. 1651 01:21:29,951 --> 01:21:32,921 WELL, IT'S TOTAL CRAP. 1652 01:21:32,954 --> 01:21:36,924 THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT MOVIE IS SAYING. 1653 01:21:36,958 --> 01:21:39,559 IT'S SAYING IF A PERSON STAYS HOME, 1654 01:21:39,593 --> 01:21:42,397 THEY CAN MAKE AN ENORMOUS DIFFERENCE IN THE PEOPLE'S LIVES 1655 01:21:42,430 --> 01:21:45,266 WHO ARE NEAR TO THEM. 1656 01:21:45,299 --> 01:21:48,069 IF IT WEREN'T FOR JIMMY STEWART, HIS BROTHER WOULD HAVE DIED. 1657 01:21:48,102 --> 01:21:50,538 THE PHARMACIST WOULD HAVE GONE TO JAIL, 1658 01:21:50,571 --> 01:21:53,174 HIS CHILDREN... 1659 01:21:55,977 --> 01:21:58,947 HE NEVER EVER WOULD HAVE HAD HIS CHILDREN. 1660 01:21:58,980 --> 01:22:01,182 HIS CHILDREN NEVER WOULD HAVE BEEN BORN. 1661 01:22:03,084 --> 01:22:05,053 WHAT PHARMACIST? 1662 01:22:05,086 --> 01:22:08,056 THERE'S A PHARMACIST. 1663 01:22:08,089 --> 01:22:11,059 I DON'T REMEMBER ANY PHARMACIST. 1664 01:22:11,092 --> 01:22:13,161 WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? 1665 01:22:13,194 --> 01:22:15,597 ( tires screeching ) 1666 01:22:25,773 --> 01:22:28,076 DID, AH, SOMETHING HAPPEN TO YOUR MOTHER? 1667 01:22:28,109 --> 01:22:30,278 SHE'S A COMEDIAN. 1668 01:22:30,311 --> 01:22:33,081 BUT IS SHE ALL RIGHT? IS SHE SICK OR ANYTHING? 1669 01:22:33,114 --> 01:22:35,316 NO. SHE'S NEVER HOME. WE NEVER SEE HER. 1670 01:22:35,349 --> 01:22:39,087 WELL, WHERE IS SHE? 1671 01:22:35,349 --> 01:22:39,087 SHE'S HOME. 1672 01:22:39,120 --> 01:22:41,756 WITH "THE MOSS". 1673 01:22:39,120 --> 01:22:41,756 OH, I'VE HEARD OF THAT. 1674 01:22:41,789 --> 01:22:44,092 ONCE YOU GET IT, YOU CAN NEVER GET RID OF IT. 1675 01:22:44,125 --> 01:22:46,060 SHE MIGHT GET MARRIED. 1676 01:22:46,093 --> 01:22:47,729 HOW NICE. 1677 01:22:47,762 --> 01:22:51,331 SHE'S GETTING MARRIED. AND SHE'S A COMEDIAN. 1678 01:22:51,365 --> 01:22:54,602 SHE'S A COMEDIAN? 1679 01:22:54,635 --> 01:22:57,005 YES. 1680 01:22:57,038 --> 01:23:01,442 PEOPLE PAY MONEY TO SEE HER? THAT'S FUNNY. 1681 01:23:05,112 --> 01:23:07,615 WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT IT? 1682 01:23:07,648 --> 01:23:10,585 SHE'S BEEN ON TELEVISION. SHE'S BEEN IN LAS VEGAS. 1683 01:23:10,618 --> 01:23:13,421 I DON'T SEE WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT IT. 1684 01:23:13,454 --> 01:23:16,290 LOOK, I'M NOT SURPRISED THAT DOTTIE'S RUN OFF 1685 01:23:16,323 --> 01:23:19,260 TO BE IN SHOW BUSINESS. THAT'S ALL SHE CARED ABOUT. 1686 01:23:19,293 --> 01:23:22,730 THAT'S NOT ALL SHE CARED ABOUT. THAT'S NOT FAIR. 1687 01:23:22,763 --> 01:23:25,299 SHE DIDN'T RUN OFF. 1688 01:23:25,332 --> 01:23:27,268 SHE DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO BECOME A COMEDIAN 1689 01:23:27,301 --> 01:23:29,737 UNTIL AUNT HARRIET DIED AND SHE FINALLY HAD ENOUGH MONEY 1690 01:23:29,770 --> 01:23:32,207 ON TOP OF WHAT SHE NEEDED FOR ALL OF US. 1691 01:23:35,109 --> 01:23:37,412 YOUR MOTHER AND I DON'T GET ALONG. 1692 01:23:37,445 --> 01:23:40,748 I REMEMBER. 1693 01:23:40,781 --> 01:23:43,751 I DON'T. I MEAN, I TRIED. 1694 01:23:43,784 --> 01:23:47,588 BUT I JUST DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING, EXCEPT WHEN YOU LEFT, 1695 01:23:47,621 --> 01:23:51,092 YOU SAID WE WERE GOING TO BE FIDGETY LIKE MOM. 1696 01:23:51,125 --> 01:23:53,728 OH, MY GOD. I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING. 1697 01:23:53,761 --> 01:23:56,297 IT JUST POPPED OUT. 1698 01:23:56,330 --> 01:23:58,533 DON'T YOU REMEMBER IT, YOU WERE THERE. 1699 01:24:03,337 --> 01:24:07,108 NORM, THEY CAME ALL THE WAY TO ALBANY TO SEE YOU. 1700 01:24:08,642 --> 01:24:11,112 I THINK WE SHOULD GO NOW. 1701 01:24:11,145 --> 01:24:13,748 NO. STAY. I'LL MAKE YOU SOME EGG SALAD SANDWICHES, 1702 01:24:13,781 --> 01:24:17,085 AND THEN WE'LL PUT YOU ON THE BUS. 1703 01:24:17,118 --> 01:24:19,153 THE TRAIN. 1704 01:24:17,118 --> 01:24:19,153 THE TRAIN. 1705 01:24:19,186 --> 01:24:21,589 IT'S GATE 12. 1706 01:24:21,622 --> 01:24:24,725 YOU'RE ALL SET? 1707 01:24:24,758 --> 01:24:27,762 IS THERE ANY DIABETES? 1708 01:24:24,758 --> 01:24:27,762 WHERE? 1709 01:24:27,795 --> 01:24:31,099 ANYWHERE? 1710 01:24:27,795 --> 01:24:31,099 I DON'T THINK SO. 1711 01:24:31,132 --> 01:24:33,768 ALTHOUGH, IT'S POSSIBLE MY... 1712 01:24:33,801 --> 01:24:36,571 NO, NO, THAT WAS SOME OTHER THING. 1713 01:24:36,604 --> 01:24:39,574 DO YOU NEED SOME MONEY? 1714 01:24:36,604 --> 01:24:39,574 DO YOU WANT OUR ADDRESS? 1715 01:24:39,607 --> 01:24:41,776 HERE'S A 20. 1716 01:24:41,809 --> 01:24:44,445 SURE. GREAT. I'D LIKE YOUR ADDRESS. 1717 01:24:44,478 --> 01:24:47,082 DOES ANYONE HAVE ANYTHING TO WRITE WITH? 1718 01:24:48,816 --> 01:24:51,219 MOM. MOM ALWAYS HAS SOMETHING TO WRITE WITH. 1719 01:24:52,786 --> 01:24:55,756 LOOK, UH, YOU GIRLS BETTER GET ON THE TRAIN. 1720 01:24:55,789 --> 01:24:58,759 YOU HAVE MY ADDRESS, SO SEND ME YOURS. 1721 01:24:58,792 --> 01:25:02,363 JUST, UH, STICK IT IN THE MAIL. 1722 01:25:02,396 --> 01:25:05,433 OKAY. 1723 01:25:05,466 --> 01:25:07,202 WELL... 1724 01:25:11,605 --> 01:25:13,875 KEEP IN TOUCH. 1725 01:25:45,639 --> 01:25:48,409 HE NEVER SAID WE WERE GOING TO BE FIDGETY LIKE MOM. 1726 01:25:48,442 --> 01:25:51,312 HE DID, TOO. 1727 01:25:51,345 --> 01:25:54,916 HE SAID WE WERE GOING TO BE FRIGID LIKE MOM. 1728 01:25:54,949 --> 01:25:58,251 OH. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? 1729 01:25:58,285 --> 01:26:00,454 COLD. 1730 01:26:00,487 --> 01:26:03,457 MOM'S NOT COLD. 1731 01:26:03,490 --> 01:26:06,794 IN BED. COLD IN BED. 1732 01:26:06,827 --> 01:26:09,230 DO YOU THINK MOM'S COLD IN BED. 1733 01:26:11,332 --> 01:26:14,268 WITH HIM, PROBABLY. WHO WOULDN'T BE. 1734 01:26:14,301 --> 01:26:16,871 ( sobbing ) 1735 01:27:12,960 --> 01:27:17,398 LOOK, IT'S MOM, ERICA! 1736 01:27:12,960 --> 01:27:17,398 HERE! HERE I AM! 1737 01:27:17,431 --> 01:27:20,934 MOM! MOM! MOM! 1738 01:27:17,431 --> 01:27:20,934 MOM! MOM! MOM! 1739 01:27:20,968 --> 01:27:24,938 I'M HERE! OH, ERICA! OH! 1740 01:27:24,972 --> 01:27:26,941 OH, MOM, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. 1741 01:27:26,974 --> 01:27:29,543 I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! 1742 01:27:29,576 --> 01:27:32,313 ( overlapping apologies ) 1743 01:27:32,346 --> 01:27:36,483 IT WAS MY FAULT. 1744 01:27:32,346 --> 01:27:36,483 NO, NO, NO, IT WAS MY FAULT. 1745 01:27:36,517 --> 01:27:40,788 ♪ YOU'RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ♪ 1746 01:27:40,821 --> 01:27:44,725 ♪ IT'S NOT AS IF IT HAPPENED TODAY ♪ 1747 01:27:44,758 --> 01:27:46,794 I LOVE YOU! 1748 01:27:46,827 --> 01:27:51,332 ♪ YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ♪ 1749 01:27:51,365 --> 01:27:55,936 ♪ THROUGH ALL THE PLEASURE AND PAIN ♪ 1750 01:27:55,969 --> 01:27:58,806 MOM, GUESS WHAT WE SAW ON THE TRAIN? 1751 01:27:58,839 --> 01:28:00,808 WHAT DID YOU SEE, SWEETHEART? 1752 01:28:00,841 --> 01:28:03,044 A MAN IN A HAIRNET. 1753 01:28:00,841 --> 01:28:03,044 YOU DID? SWEETHEART. 1754 01:28:05,379 --> 01:28:09,483 ♪ I KNEW THAT YOU WERE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ♪ 1755 01:28:09,516 --> 01:28:13,454 ♪ SIMPLY THE LOVE ♪ 1756 01:28:13,487 --> 01:28:16,624 ♪ OF MY LIFE ♪ 1757 01:28:16,657 --> 01:28:18,826 IT WAS ONLY A DAY, MOM. 1758 01:28:18,859 --> 01:28:21,429 ...I KNOW, SWEETHEART. THE LONGEST DAY OF MY LIFE. 1759 01:28:30,671 --> 01:28:33,107 HOW DID YOU KNOW WHICH TRAIN WE'D BE ON? 1760 01:28:33,140 --> 01:28:35,976 NORM'S WIFE CALLED ME. 1761 01:28:33,140 --> 01:28:35,976 MARTHA CALLED YOU? 1762 01:28:36,009 --> 01:28:37,978 WELL, SHE DIDN'T TELL ME HER NAME. 1763 01:28:38,011 --> 01:28:39,780 SHE JUST SAID SHE WAS NORM'S WIFE. 1764 01:28:39,813 --> 01:28:42,817 SHE WAS NICE. 1765 01:28:39,813 --> 01:28:42,817 NICER THAN HIM. 1766 01:28:42,850 --> 01:28:44,919 Erica: SO WE MADE UP. AND MOM, FOR ONCE, 1767 01:28:44,952 --> 01:28:46,821 DIDN'T MENTION LIFE LESSONS 1768 01:28:46,854 --> 01:28:49,523 THE ONE TIME THERE PROBABLY WAS ONE. 1769 01:28:49,556 --> 01:28:52,826 I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. 1770 01:28:52,860 --> 01:28:55,963 IT WAS LIKE I WAS SHOT INTO ORBIT. 1771 01:28:55,996 --> 01:28:59,967 THE AIR WAS THINNER. I LOST MY MIND. 1772 01:29:00,000 --> 01:29:02,737 AND YOU KNOW, I WISH MORE THAN ANYTHING, 1773 01:29:02,770 --> 01:29:05,473 THAT SOMEDAY, THE SAME THING HAPPENS TO YOU. 1774 01:29:05,506 --> 01:29:08,676 ONLY I HOPE IT HAPPENS BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN. 1775 01:29:08,709 --> 01:29:11,913 AFTERWARDS, IT'S COMPLICATED. IT'S VERY COMPLICATED. 1776 01:29:14,715 --> 01:29:17,952 I WAS AWAY TOO MUCH. I'M NOT GOING TO BE AWAY SO MUCH ANYMORE, OKAY? 1777 01:29:17,985 --> 01:29:18,952 OKAY. 1778 01:29:18,986 --> 01:29:21,822 PROMISE? 1779 01:29:18,986 --> 01:29:21,822 YES. YES, I DO. 1780 01:29:21,855 --> 01:29:23,824 BUT IF SOMETHING GREAT COMES UP? 1781 01:29:23,857 --> 01:29:26,494 I'LL DO IT. WE'LL WORK IT OUT. 1782 01:29:26,527 --> 01:29:28,963 SOMEHOW WE'RE GOING TO WORK THIS OUT. 1783 01:29:28,996 --> 01:29:31,632 HOW? 1784 01:29:28,996 --> 01:29:31,632 I HAVE NO IDEA. 1785 01:29:31,665 --> 01:29:34,502 COULDN'T YOU DO A TV SHOW? 1786 01:29:34,535 --> 01:29:36,971 THEN YOU COULD STAY AT HOME. 1787 01:29:37,004 --> 01:29:39,840 YEAH, SURE. YEAH. 1788 01:29:37,004 --> 01:29:39,840 NO, REALLY. I MEAN IT. 1789 01:29:39,873 --> 01:29:41,842 WELL, IT'S POSSIBLE. 1790 01:29:41,875 --> 01:29:44,111 IT COULD BE ABOUT A WOMAN WHO WORKS AT A MAKEUP COUNTER 1791 01:29:44,144 --> 01:29:46,480 IN QUEENS. 1792 01:29:44,144 --> 01:29:46,480 YEAH. ABSOLUTELY. 1793 01:29:46,513 --> 01:29:49,150 A SINGLE MOTHER AND HER TWO KIDS. 1794 01:29:49,183 --> 01:29:51,652 ONLY THEY'RE NOT YOU. 1795 01:29:49,183 --> 01:29:51,652 ABSOLUTELY NOT. 1796 01:29:51,685 --> 01:29:53,954 RIGHT. I MEAN, THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BE GIRLS. 1797 01:29:53,987 --> 01:29:55,956 THEY COULD BE BOYS. 1798 01:29:53,987 --> 01:29:55,956 BOYS? 1799 01:29:55,989 --> 01:29:58,159 OH, WE DON'T WANT TO BE BOYS. 1800 01:29:58,192 --> 01:30:00,828 NO? ALL RIGHT, WELL THEN, THEY'RE GIRLS, THEY'RE GIRLS. 1801 01:30:00,861 --> 01:30:02,963 YOU CAN PICK THEIR NAMES. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE CALLED? 1802 01:30:02,996 --> 01:30:05,666 FELICE. 1803 01:30:02,996 --> 01:30:05,666 ARE YOU SERIOUS? 1804 01:30:05,699 --> 01:30:09,169 OKAY, CHENILLE. 1805 01:30:05,699 --> 01:30:09,169 CHENILLE? OH, GREAT. 1806 01:30:09,203 --> 01:30:12,973 I HAVE A YOUNGER DAUGHTER NAMED CHENILLE. 1807 01:30:13,006 --> 01:30:16,177 VERONICA. 1808 01:30:16,210 --> 01:30:20,081 OH, SWEETHEART. THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. 1809 01:30:24,551 --> 01:30:26,821 WHAT ABOUT THE MOSS? 1810 01:30:26,854 --> 01:30:29,757 MAYBE YOU'LL GET TO LIKE THE MOSS. HE GROWS ON YOU. 1811 01:30:34,995 --> 01:30:37,064 WHAT ABOUT THE DOTS? 1812 01:30:38,999 --> 01:30:42,969 ♪ YOU CAN DRIVE ME CRAZY ♪ 1813 01:30:43,003 --> 01:30:48,509 ♪ YOU CAN DRIVE ME ANYWHERE ♪ 1814 01:30:48,542 --> 01:30:52,513 ♪ HERE ARE THE KEYS JUST DO AS YOU PLEASE ♪ 1815 01:30:52,546 --> 01:30:58,519 ♪ IT MAY NOT ALWAYS BE EASY ♪ 1816 01:30:58,552 --> 01:31:01,856 ♪ BUT YOU'RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ♪ 1817 01:31:01,889 --> 01:31:05,626 ♪ IT'S NOT AS IF IT HAPPENED TODAY ♪ 1818 01:31:07,995 --> 01:31:11,965 ♪ YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ♪ 1819 01:31:11,999 --> 01:31:17,004 ♪ THROUGH ALL THE PLEASURE AND PAIN ♪ 1820 01:31:17,037 --> 01:31:22,142 ♪ FROM THE MOMENT I FIRST SAW YOU I KNEW ♪ 1821 01:31:22,175 --> 01:31:25,980 ♪ I KNEW IT RIGHT AWAY ♪ 1822 01:31:26,013 --> 01:31:30,684 ♪ I KNEW THAT YOU WERE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ♪ 1823 01:31:30,717 --> 01:31:34,655 ♪ SIMPLY THE LOVE ♪ 1824 01:31:34,688 --> 01:31:38,692 ♪ OF MY LIFE ♪ 1825 01:31:38,725 --> 01:31:41,529 ♪ YOU ARE THE LOVE ♪ 1826 01:31:41,562 --> 01:31:43,297 ♪ THE GREAT LOVE ♪ 1827 01:31:43,330 --> 01:31:46,800 ♪ OF MY LIFE ♪ 1828 01:31:58,011 --> 01:32:01,115 ♪ SOME FOLKS LIKE TO STAY AT HOME ♪ 1829 01:32:01,148 --> 01:32:05,119 ♪ SOME FOLKS LIKE TO BE ALONE ♪ 1830 01:32:05,152 --> 01:32:08,622 ♪ SO WHEN THEY FINALLY COME OUT OF THEIR NEST ♪ 1831 01:32:08,655 --> 01:32:12,960 ♪ I GOT TO TURN IT ON, I'VE GOT TO BE MY BEST ♪ 1832 01:32:12,993 --> 01:32:16,697 ♪ THE STREETS MAY BE SLICK WITH ICE ♪ 1833 01:32:16,730 --> 01:32:20,567 ♪ AND I'M SICK WITH BUTTERFLIES ♪ 1834 01:32:20,601 --> 01:32:24,170 ♪ AND SOME OTHER GIRL MAY BE THE TALK OF THE TOWN ♪ 1835 01:32:24,204 --> 01:32:28,875 ♪ I CAN LOSE MY VOICE AND I CAN SPLIT MY GOWN ♪ 1836 01:32:28,909 --> 01:32:32,813 ♪ BUT WHEN I'M IN THE SPOTLIGHT IT'S GOT TO BE A HOT NIGHT ♪ 1837 01:32:32,846 --> 01:32:35,883 ♪ EVEN WHEN I'M FEELING DOWN ♪ 1838 01:32:35,916 --> 01:32:39,153 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 1839 01:32:39,186 --> 01:32:42,755 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 1840 01:32:42,789 --> 01:32:46,259 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 1841 01:32:46,293 --> 01:32:52,833 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 1842 01:32:52,866 --> 01:32:56,604 ♪ I HAVE WON SOME AND I HAVE LOST ♪ 1843 01:32:56,637 --> 01:33:00,240 ♪ BUT WHAT I ENJOY THE MOST ♪ 1844 01:33:00,273 --> 01:33:04,044 ♪ IS NEVER KNOWING HOW THE EVENING WILL END ♪ 1845 01:33:04,077 --> 01:33:08,315 ♪ WILL I BE THE JOKE OR THE COMEDIAN? ♪ 1846 01:33:08,348 --> 01:33:11,952 ♪ AND WHEN I'M IN THE SPOTLIGHT IT'S GOT TO BE A HOT NIGHT ♪ 1847 01:33:11,985 --> 01:33:15,990 ♪ EVEN WHEN I'M SHIVERING COLD ♪ 1848 01:33:16,023 --> 01:33:18,726 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 1849 01:33:18,759 --> 01:33:22,696 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 1850 01:33:22,729 --> 01:33:25,933 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 1851 01:33:25,966 --> 01:33:33,107 ♪ THE SHOW MUST GO ON ♪ 1852 01:33:33,140 --> 01:33:35,676 Captioned by VISUAL DATA Your Closed Captioning Resource --www.visualdatainc.com-- 130902

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