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1
00:02:37,439 --> 00:02:41,854
This film is respectfully
dedicated to lonely guys everywhere.
2
00:02:42,152 --> 00:02:45,862
Lonely guys have been with us
since the beginning of time.
3
00:02:46,156 --> 00:02:49,365
There's one there.
Poor guy.
4
00:02:49,660 --> 00:02:52,403
Another New Year's Eve
alone in the cave.
5
00:02:56,001 --> 00:02:57,617
Even a thousand years
from now,
6
00:02:57,919 --> 00:03:00,332
the lonely guy
will still be there.
7
00:03:00,630 --> 00:03:02,792
Look at this guy.
8
00:03:03,091 --> 00:03:05,128
That couple
will go down in history.
9
00:03:06,970 --> 00:03:10,884
All he gets to do
is eat roast beef from a tube.
10
00:03:11,182 --> 00:03:15,847
So all you lonely guys out there,
this film is for you.
11
00:03:16,146 --> 00:03:19,730
It's for guys like that guy,
Chin Loo Fung in Canton, China.
12
00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:22,108
He's got 14 married
brothers and sisters,
13
00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:25,771
yet still eats alone in a Chinese
restaurant four nights a week.
14
00:03:28,951 --> 00:03:31,944
It's for Mbowie Zoomba,
another lonely guy.
15
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:35,364
While he's happy that cable TV
has been installed in his area,
16
00:03:35,666 --> 00:03:39,876
he'd really just like to meet a nice
girl with attractive lip plates.
17
00:03:40,171 --> 00:03:42,379
And it's for Larry Hubbard...
18
00:03:42,673 --> 00:03:44,693
Hey, that's me, fifth one back.
That's okay, I'll take over the narration now.
19
00:03:44,717 --> 00:03:46,754
Oh, all right.
20
00:03:47,053 --> 00:03:50,296
Hi, I'm Larry Hubbard. This is
the story of how I became a lonely guy.
21
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:52,260
I came to Manhattan
to be a writer,
22
00:03:52,558 --> 00:03:53,958
and while I was working
on my novel,
23
00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:55,843
I took a job
at a greeting-card firm.
24
00:03:56,146 --> 00:03:58,103
It was working out
pretty well.
25
00:03:58,398 --> 00:04:00,515
What are you working on,
Hubbard?
26
00:04:00,817 --> 00:04:03,810
It's an idea I had for a new
kind of sympathy card, sir.
27
00:04:04,112 --> 00:04:05,273
Hmm.
28
00:04:09,368 --> 00:04:11,951
"I know how much your loss
must grieve you,
29
00:04:12,245 --> 00:04:14,532
"but here's a thought
I'd like to leave you.
30
00:04:14,831 --> 00:04:17,323
"Although you're sad
remember that
31
00:04:17,626 --> 00:04:20,209
"now God is petting
your pussycat."
32
00:04:24,466 --> 00:04:27,676
Beautiful! Hubbard!
33
00:04:27,970 --> 00:04:30,428
Congratulations!
You're moving up.
34
00:04:30,723 --> 00:04:31,884
Thank you, sir.
35
00:04:32,183 --> 00:04:33,890
Get your things and take
the front desk.
36
00:04:34,185 --> 00:04:35,642
Yes, sir!
37
00:04:35,937 --> 00:04:37,657
Finley, Harrison, Annenberg, Leach.
Yes, sir?
38
00:04:37,730 --> 00:04:41,440
Stop whatever you're doing.
I want pet cards.
39
00:04:41,734 --> 00:04:43,942
Birthday, anniversary.
And not just cats and dogs.
40
00:04:44,237 --> 00:04:48,072
I want hamsters,
fish, parakeets.
41
00:04:48,366 --> 00:04:50,949
I was always lucking into things like that.
42
00:04:51,244 --> 00:04:52,860
New York had been
pretty good to me.
43
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:54,744
But the best part was,
44
00:04:55,039 --> 00:04:57,498
I'd met this gorgeous
ballet dancer named Danielle.
45
00:04:57,793 --> 00:05:01,207
She was nuts about me,
and asked me to move right in with her.
46
00:05:01,505 --> 00:05:04,498
Every day at 5:30,
she'd have bathed,
47
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,258
perfumed,
put on a sexy nightie,
48
00:05:07,553 --> 00:05:11,297
be waiting alone
in a big bed just for me.
49
00:05:13,016 --> 00:05:14,496
Hi, Danielle.
Tarzan is here.
50
00:05:14,768 --> 00:05:16,805
Oh, one second while I look
through my mail here.
51
00:05:17,104 --> 00:05:18,390
Oh, geez.
52
00:05:21,650 --> 00:05:23,937
Hey, a rejection from
a completely new publisher.
53
00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:26,320
They're finally getting
to know me in this town.
54
00:05:26,614 --> 00:05:28,606
Hi ya, honey.
You miss me?
55
00:05:28,908 --> 00:05:30,553
So, what'd you do today?
Anything interesting?
56
00:05:32,328 --> 00:05:34,140
You know, you gotta
get out of the house more.
57
00:05:34,164 --> 00:05:36,451
You can't mope around all day
waiting for me to come home.
58
00:05:45,925 --> 00:05:47,666
This your cigar
in here, honey?
59
00:05:49,137 --> 00:05:50,719
All ready for me
I can see, huh?
60
00:05:51,890 --> 00:05:53,927
Mmm. You smell good.
61
00:05:54,225 --> 00:05:55,887
I don't believe you!
62
00:05:56,186 --> 00:05:59,271
You come home,
you find me in bed with another man,
63
00:05:59,565 --> 00:06:01,898
you act as if
nothing's going on.
64
00:06:02,193 --> 00:06:05,061
Larry, this is
my lover, Raul.
65
00:06:05,362 --> 00:06:07,445
We're lovers.
Understand?
66
00:06:07,740 --> 00:06:09,902
Hi, Raul. Larry Hubbard.
Nice to meet you.
67
00:06:10,201 --> 00:06:11,567
Yeah, hi.
68
00:06:11,869 --> 00:06:13,201
Have you known
Danielle long?
69
00:06:13,496 --> 00:06:16,284
Yes, we're dancers
in the same company.
70
00:06:16,582 --> 00:06:17,948
Dancer?
Yes.
71
00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:19,250
I thought
they were all...
72
00:06:19,335 --> 00:06:21,167
Well, Raul's not!
73
00:06:21,462 --> 00:06:23,124
Raul's all man.
74
00:06:23,422 --> 00:06:24,879
Yeah.
75
00:06:25,174 --> 00:06:28,794
And he's moving in tonight,
afterThe Nutcracker.
76
00:06:29,095 --> 00:06:32,054
He's bringing his things
over in the morning.
77
00:06:32,349 --> 00:06:36,468
Bringing his things over?
There's hardly enough room for our things!
78
00:06:36,770 --> 00:06:39,183
Your things are going!
I've already packed them!
79
00:06:39,481 --> 00:06:41,001
They're in the hall
beside the garbage,
80
00:06:41,066 --> 00:06:44,150
and you can take them
out all together.
81
00:06:44,444 --> 00:06:47,653
I know I'm behaving strange,
probably real strange.
82
00:06:47,948 --> 00:06:50,315
I've never been in a
situation like this before.
83
00:06:50,617 --> 00:06:52,028
I don't know
how to handle it.
84
00:06:52,327 --> 00:06:54,284
I still don't know
how to handle it.
85
00:06:54,579 --> 00:06:59,371
So, I was waiting, calmly,
patiently, reasonably,
86
00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:04,255
till I do figure out how to
handle this kind of situation.
87
00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:07,257
No, hold it.
I think I've got it.
88
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:10,172
Yes, yes.
89
00:07:10,471 --> 00:07:11,962
What the hell's going on here?
90
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,801
What the hell is he
doing in this bed?
91
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,012
You disgust me,
both of you!
92
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:19,678
I'm getting out of here and I never
wanna see you in my life again!
93
00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:21,517
Hey, what
the hell! Ow!
94
00:07:24,902 --> 00:07:27,645
I think I handled that
rather well.
95
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:31,282
Oh, Larry,
don't forget the garbage.
96
00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:48,133
I had no place to stay,
nowhere to go.
97
00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:51,465
There was no one to talk to.
I must have looked pretty pitiful.
98
00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:54,756
But that's the good thing about
living in a big city like New York,
99
00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:57,892
at least nobody I knew was
going to see me like this.
100
00:07:58,186 --> 00:08:00,770
Larry?
Larry Hubbard? Is that you?
101
00:08:01,065 --> 00:08:02,601
Hey, Larry, how are you?
102
00:08:04,319 --> 00:08:05,935
Jack. Jack Fenwick.
103
00:08:06,237 --> 00:08:08,479
Oh, Jack, hi. You're looking good.
How's it going?
104
00:08:08,781 --> 00:08:10,943
How's it look?
Pretty good, huh?
105
00:08:11,242 --> 00:08:13,279
How's it going with you?
106
00:08:13,578 --> 00:08:16,498
Oh, just taking a walk. Like to get out
of the house every once in a while.
107
00:08:16,623 --> 00:08:18,455
I might jog around
the reservoir later.
108
00:08:18,750 --> 00:08:20,867
I heard about you
and Danielle breaking up.
109
00:08:21,169 --> 00:08:23,161
You heard?
It just happened
110
00:08:23,463 --> 00:08:25,250
Yeah, well,
I just spoke to her.
111
00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:27,818
We were very close, you know.
We had an affair and everything.
112
00:08:27,842 --> 00:08:29,049
When was that?
113
00:08:29,344 --> 00:08:30,802
Oh, about four weeks ago.
114
00:08:31,096 --> 00:08:32,632
Every morning
after you'd go to work.
115
00:08:32,931 --> 00:08:34,923
Oh, but you knew
about that, didn't you?
116
00:08:35,225 --> 00:08:36,716
Oh, oh, sure!
117
00:08:37,019 --> 00:08:39,636
Yeah, we had an understanding.
We were very today people.
118
00:08:39,938 --> 00:08:42,225
Yeah. Hey, say hello to my wife Verna.
Hello.
119
00:08:42,524 --> 00:08:43,935
Hi. And this is my
girlfriend Frieda.
120
00:08:44,234 --> 00:08:45,691
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Hi.
121
00:08:45,986 --> 00:08:47,318
Nice to meet you.
122
00:08:47,613 --> 00:08:48,965
We got a little apartment
here on the West Side,
123
00:08:48,989 --> 00:08:50,730
one big room and
a 40-foot mattress.
124
00:08:53,410 --> 00:08:56,056
Hey, listen, any time you're in the
neighborhood, just drop in, okay?
125
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,663
Hey, and don't be so
broken up about Danielle.
126
00:08:58,957 --> 00:09:00,277
She already dumped
Raul, you know.
127
00:09:00,542 --> 00:09:01,579
She has?
128
00:09:01,878 --> 00:09:03,439
Yeah. She's living with
a rock group now.
129
00:09:03,463 --> 00:09:06,627
Oh. Well, okay.
130
00:09:06,925 --> 00:09:08,605
You take it easy, huh?
See you around. Yeah.
131
00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:10,126
Come on, baby.
132
00:09:39,875 --> 00:09:41,241
Hi.
133
00:09:41,544 --> 00:09:42,544
Hi.
134
00:09:49,427 --> 00:09:50,634
Warren Evans.
135
00:09:50,928 --> 00:09:52,260
Larry Hubbard.
Hi, Larry.
136
00:09:52,555 --> 00:09:53,555
Hi.
137
00:09:54,932 --> 00:09:56,594
First-time lonely guy?
138
00:09:59,145 --> 00:10:00,477
What's a lonely guy?
139
00:10:04,234 --> 00:10:06,897
My girl Melanie
just left me.
140
00:10:07,195 --> 00:10:09,232
What'd she
leave you for?
141
00:10:09,531 --> 00:10:12,524
She came home last night,
found some guy robbing her apartment.
142
00:10:12,826 --> 00:10:14,112
They just hit it off.
143
00:10:14,411 --> 00:10:15,777
Gee, that sounds tough.
144
00:10:16,079 --> 00:10:17,945
It was tough.
145
00:10:18,248 --> 00:10:21,286
It's probably for the best,
she's really started to let herself go.
146
00:10:21,585 --> 00:10:24,328
Drank a lot,
never bathed, fat.
147
00:10:24,629 --> 00:10:26,962
Hey, don't worry.
You'll meet another girl.
148
00:10:27,257 --> 00:10:29,214
Not like Melanie.
149
00:10:29,509 --> 00:10:31,738
No, better than Melanie. You're not
gonna stay lonely forever, are you?
150
00:10:31,762 --> 00:10:32,762
I'm not.
151
00:10:38,770 --> 00:10:40,602
Well.
152
00:10:42,398 --> 00:10:44,856
Where are you headed?
153
00:10:45,151 --> 00:10:47,985
Um, I guess I have to look
for an apartment, huh?
154
00:10:48,279 --> 00:10:50,191
Take it from an
experienced lonely guy,
155
00:10:50,490 --> 00:10:52,698
be very careful
looking for an apartment,
156
00:10:52,992 --> 00:10:55,450
'cause from now on,
that apartment's gonna be your best friend,
157
00:10:55,745 --> 00:10:57,327
if not your only friend.
158
00:10:57,622 --> 00:10:59,830
A lot of lonely guys,
just to get off the street,
159
00:11:00,124 --> 00:11:01,615
tend to grab
the first thing they see
160
00:11:01,918 --> 00:11:05,162
that looks better
than a Borneo death cell.
161
00:11:05,464 --> 00:11:06,955
Thanks.
My pleasure.
162
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,922
Warren gave me
a lot of good tips, like,
163
00:11:12,221 --> 00:11:15,510
it's very important to find an
apartment with a feeling of space.
164
00:11:17,726 --> 00:11:18,762
Right here.
165
00:11:21,021 --> 00:11:23,684
The view is very important
psychologically.
166
00:11:23,982 --> 00:11:27,020
In a moderate price range,
you can't expect anything too beautiful,
167
00:11:27,319 --> 00:11:29,811
but a lonely guy should watch
out for the depressing ones.
168
00:11:41,209 --> 00:11:42,575
A river view is great,
169
00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:47,546
as long as you're
above the river.
170
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:52,005
And you mustn't be fooled by
classy-looking neighborhoods.
171
00:11:52,303 --> 00:11:54,169
Sometimes your
classiest-looking neighborhoods
172
00:11:54,472 --> 00:11:56,930
have the highest crime rate.
173
00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:18,320
Don't live here.
Bad neighborhood.
174
00:12:23,711 --> 00:12:28,581
What a view!
And you can almost see the river!
175
00:12:28,883 --> 00:12:31,626
See, this has the pacing room I need.
I'm working on a novel.
176
00:12:31,927 --> 00:12:34,544
This apartment could really be my friend.
I'll take this.
177
00:12:34,847 --> 00:12:37,181
All right, fine, but before
you can sign the lease,
178
00:12:37,475 --> 00:12:39,808
there are a few questions
I'd like to ask.
179
00:12:40,103 --> 00:12:41,435
Well, what?
180
00:12:41,730 --> 00:12:43,291
"Do you have any
dogs, cats, children,
181
00:12:43,315 --> 00:12:44,709
"or relations or friends
of ethnic extraction?
182
00:12:44,733 --> 00:12:46,315
"Do you ever wear
loud sports jackets?
183
00:12:46,610 --> 00:12:48,650
"Do you ever get personal
phone calls after midnight?
184
00:12:48,737 --> 00:12:50,590
"Do you go to discos or have dinner
with people in show business?
185
00:12:50,614 --> 00:12:51,924
"Do you ever put disgusting
substances up your nose,
186
00:12:51,948 --> 00:12:53,780
"or any other open
bodily passages?
187
00:12:54,075 --> 00:12:55,636
"Do you own any records or albums
featuring The Rolling Stones?
188
00:12:55,660 --> 00:12:57,697
"Is there anyone
in your personal acquaintance
189
00:12:57,996 --> 00:13:00,057
"who has now, or ever has had,
a sexually communicable infectious disease?"
190
00:13:00,081 --> 00:13:02,143
No dogs, no cats, no children,
no foreign friends or relations,
191
00:13:02,167 --> 00:13:03,686
no loud jackets, no late phone calls,
no show-business dinners,
192
00:13:03,710 --> 00:13:04,710
no disgusting substances
in bodily orifices,
193
00:13:04,711 --> 00:13:06,499
no Rolling Stones albums,
194
00:13:06,797 --> 00:13:08,191
no acquaintance with
sexually-communicable infectious disease,
195
00:13:08,215 --> 00:13:09,975
except that Uncle Harry
once developed a rash
196
00:13:10,176 --> 00:13:12,376
after an affair with a waitress
at the World of Pancakes,
197
00:13:12,511 --> 00:13:14,114
but he covered it with a tattoo of a
Chinese dragon so nobody would notice.
198
00:13:14,138 --> 00:13:15,741
Thank you very much.
That seems all satisfactory.
199
00:13:15,765 --> 00:13:17,034
I'll have a lease
made out immediately.
200
00:13:17,058 --> 00:13:18,452
You can move in
the day after tomorrow.
201
00:13:18,476 --> 00:13:20,559
I think you'll fit in
here very well.
202
00:13:20,853 --> 00:13:22,310
Thank you.
Do you wanna go to dinner?
203
00:13:22,605 --> 00:13:23,766
I'm a man.
204
00:13:25,191 --> 00:13:26,710
I mean, this is
really getting drastic.
205
00:13:26,734 --> 00:13:28,054
I don't have anything
in my place.
206
00:13:28,277 --> 00:13:31,236
I just left with a suitcase.
I lost my comb.
207
00:13:31,530 --> 00:13:34,398
This morning I had to brush
my hair with my toothbrush.
208
00:13:34,700 --> 00:13:37,101
I mean, I clean it out really
good so I feel more comfortable,
209
00:13:37,287 --> 00:13:38,528
but it takes
about 20 minutes.
210
00:13:38,830 --> 00:13:40,224
Does it look okay?
No, it looks good.
211
00:13:40,248 --> 00:13:41,476
I was just thinking
how good it looks.
212
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:42,991
I think it looks
okay. Just...
213
00:13:43,293 --> 00:13:44,604
I should get a comb.
Oh, you ought to get a comb.
214
00:13:44,628 --> 00:13:46,665
Get it today.
215
00:13:46,964 --> 00:13:51,049
You think that's bad,
I had my yearly physical last week.
216
00:13:51,343 --> 00:13:55,053
They called me yesterday, told me I
have to come back. They lost my blood.
217
00:13:55,347 --> 00:13:56,929
Oh, God!
218
00:13:57,224 --> 00:13:58,409
You know, I mean,
I can give them more blood, but...
219
00:13:58,433 --> 00:14:00,265
Yeah.
220
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:02,927
You see, you buy a lot of these,
you scatter them around,
221
00:14:03,230 --> 00:14:05,350
and nobody will notice you
don't have enough furniture.
222
00:14:05,399 --> 00:14:07,311
Hey, this one looks nice.
223
00:14:07,610 --> 00:14:10,193
No, you don't want that,
Larry. That's got buds.
224
00:14:10,488 --> 00:14:12,070
So what?
225
00:14:12,365 --> 00:14:15,233
You don't wanna watch life
blossoming while yours...
226
00:14:15,535 --> 00:14:17,492
Isn't, yeah.
Well...
227
00:14:17,787 --> 00:14:19,449
Hey, how about a fern?
228
00:14:19,747 --> 00:14:22,740
Great. But, Larry,
don't call them ferns, call them guys.
229
00:14:23,042 --> 00:14:24,999
"Guys"?
Yeah, make them feel like your buddy.
230
00:14:25,294 --> 00:14:26,774
You can watch
football games together.
231
00:14:28,256 --> 00:14:29,576
Watch football games
with a plant?
232
00:14:29,632 --> 00:14:30,839
Hey, you never know.
233
00:14:33,344 --> 00:14:35,711
Well, I'll just take
this guy right here.
234
00:14:36,014 --> 00:14:37,550
Uh-huh, uh-huh, good.
235
00:14:39,184 --> 00:14:41,722
I could use one myself.
236
00:14:42,021 --> 00:14:43,432
Want a sip?
No, I'm full.
237
00:14:43,731 --> 00:14:44,812
What did you eat?
238
00:14:45,107 --> 00:14:46,598
Uh, a tuna sandwich.
Uh-huh.
239
00:14:46,900 --> 00:14:49,045
Hey, how often do you have to
water something like this?
240
00:14:49,069 --> 00:14:51,464
Oh, just once a week.
But always stay with it a couple of minutes,
241
00:14:51,488 --> 00:14:54,276
it doesn't like to drink
alone. Seriously.
242
00:14:55,701 --> 00:14:56,908
Have you got
your towels yet?
243
00:14:57,202 --> 00:14:58,682
Towels, geez, I forgot
all about that.
244
00:14:58,829 --> 00:15:00,306
Listen, I can get them
for you wholesale,
245
00:15:00,330 --> 00:15:01,683
if you don't mind
other people's initials.
246
00:15:01,707 --> 00:15:03,107
They get them
from divorced couples.
247
00:15:03,292 --> 00:15:04,828
No, I just want
to get dry...
248
00:15:05,127 --> 00:15:06,959
That's kind of sad
though, isn't it?
249
00:15:07,254 --> 00:15:09,442
I don't wanna get depressed every
time I come out of the shower.
250
00:15:09,466 --> 00:15:11,583
Listen, you'll probably
be depressed anyway.
251
00:15:16,347 --> 00:15:18,464
Well, I gotta go.
I gotta go get some furniture.
252
00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:22,306
Hey, doesn't your guy wanna
say good-bye to my guy?
253
00:15:22,604 --> 00:15:24,846
Say good-bye
to your friend.
254
00:15:25,148 --> 00:15:26,605
Still a little shy.
Ah.
255
00:15:29,069 --> 00:15:31,277
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye.
256
00:15:52,218 --> 00:15:53,779
Well, I'd
gotten some furniture,
257
00:15:53,803 --> 00:15:55,669
but the big news
was the phone.
258
00:15:55,971 --> 00:15:59,180
I had to give them a $500
deposit and a sperm sample,
259
00:15:59,475 --> 00:16:01,216
but they finally put it in.
260
00:16:01,519 --> 00:16:03,476
So, I pulled out
my little black book.
261
00:16:28,797 --> 00:16:29,797
Let's go! Come on...
262
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:31,581
Nobody move a muscle.
263
00:16:31,883 --> 00:16:33,795
First National Bank.
264
00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,835
Hi. Carol Zall, please.
265
00:16:36,138 --> 00:16:38,221
I'm sorry,
she's all tied up right now.
266
00:16:38,515 --> 00:16:40,803
Would you care to leave
your phone number?
267
00:16:41,102 --> 00:16:45,847
Larry Hubbard.
KL5-1173.
268
00:16:46,149 --> 00:16:48,983
Oh. She says she'd
love to talk to you,
269
00:16:49,277 --> 00:16:50,984
and she'll get
right back to you.
270
00:16:54,282 --> 00:16:56,490
Haven't lost the touch.
271
00:16:57,326 --> 00:16:58,783
Cops!
272
00:16:59,078 --> 00:17:00,319
Out the back!
273
00:17:00,621 --> 00:17:02,738
Right, let's go.
Take some hostages!
274
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,156
Get the bag!
275
00:17:04,458 --> 00:17:06,120
All right, kid,
you're coming with me.
276
00:17:09,255 --> 00:17:12,294
For some reason,
Carol never called back.
277
00:17:30,611 --> 00:17:33,069
You know, I know this guy
who's a magician,
278
00:17:33,363 --> 00:17:36,652
and he and his friend go into a restaurant
and they start doing tricks for them,
279
00:17:36,950 --> 00:17:39,567
and people come around.
He said they meet a lot of girls that way.
280
00:17:39,870 --> 00:17:41,406
I got this magic book.
281
00:17:41,705 --> 00:17:44,449
Try this.
Take a card.
282
00:17:46,669 --> 00:17:49,082
Okay. Look at it.
283
00:17:49,380 --> 00:17:52,123
Now stick it
back in somewhere.
284
00:17:54,260 --> 00:17:56,923
Okay. I'll shuffle.
285
00:18:00,141 --> 00:18:01,473
Okay, cut 'em.
286
00:18:03,353 --> 00:18:04,514
Okay.
287
00:18:10,610 --> 00:18:13,149
Is it the queen of clubs?
No.
288
00:18:13,447 --> 00:18:15,154
Was it a club?
No.
289
00:18:15,449 --> 00:18:16,565
A diamond?
Yes.
290
00:18:16,867 --> 00:18:19,154
Queen of diamonds?
No.
291
00:18:19,453 --> 00:18:20,614
Nine of diamonds?
No.
292
00:18:21,997 --> 00:18:24,489
Six of diamonds?
No.
293
00:18:24,792 --> 00:18:26,158
Three of diamonds?
Yes.
294
00:18:26,460 --> 00:18:28,452
Yes. Not bad. Not bad.
295
00:18:31,215 --> 00:18:33,298
Actually,
I was feeling pretty positive.
296
00:18:33,592 --> 00:18:35,254
There are plenty of girls
in New York,
297
00:18:35,552 --> 00:18:38,090
and I knew it wouldn't take
long before I met one of them.
298
00:18:38,389 --> 00:18:39,389
How you doing?
299
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:45,185
I'm okay.
How about yourself?
300
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,848
Not too shabby.
Cigarette?
301
00:18:49,150 --> 00:18:50,266
Oh, no, thanks.
302
00:18:53,321 --> 00:18:54,562
Do you do this often?
303
00:18:55,824 --> 00:18:58,316
Well, I'm a single guy,
304
00:18:58,618 --> 00:19:00,826
and no use
in saving up.
305
00:19:01,121 --> 00:19:04,159
Okay,
you may get up now.
306
00:19:04,457 --> 00:19:06,619
I'll have you out of
here in just a minute.
307
00:19:06,918 --> 00:19:08,125
Do you have time
for a drink?
308
00:19:08,420 --> 00:19:09,855
They say you should have
some orange juice.
309
00:19:09,879 --> 00:19:11,871
Oh, thanks.
I have to meet my boyfriend.
310
00:19:12,173 --> 00:19:15,713
Oh, right, right.
Me, too.
311
00:19:16,012 --> 00:19:17,969
You know, I really believe
that one of these days
312
00:19:18,264 --> 00:19:20,426
I'm gonna meet
the girl of my dreams,
313
00:19:20,725 --> 00:19:22,591
if I don't run out
of blood first.
314
00:19:24,228 --> 00:19:26,094
I was getting
a little depressed,
315
00:19:26,397 --> 00:19:28,077
so I was really glad
when Warren invited me
316
00:19:28,274 --> 00:19:30,266
over to his place
for a little party.
317
00:19:36,449 --> 00:19:37,969
Hi, Larry.
Hey, Warren, how's it going?
318
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:39,200
Good to see you.
319
00:19:39,327 --> 00:19:40,488
What are these?
320
00:19:40,786 --> 00:19:42,743
Oh, party cutouts.
321
00:19:43,039 --> 00:19:45,768
I got them at the Lonely Guy Store
at 81st Street and Lexington Avenue.
322
00:19:45,792 --> 00:19:48,159
When I first saw them,
it seemed like a pretty weird idea,
323
00:19:48,462 --> 00:19:50,374
but it turns out
they're a lot of fun.
324
00:19:50,672 --> 00:19:53,289
They're real good company, too.
You'd be surprised.
325
00:19:53,592 --> 00:19:55,128
Oh, yeah? Surprised.
It is surprising.
326
00:19:55,427 --> 00:19:56,508
They move
and everything.
327
00:19:56,803 --> 00:19:59,011
I'm just gonna go
check on dinner.
328
00:19:59,306 --> 00:20:01,106
Fix yourself a drink.
Drink anything you want.
329
00:20:01,183 --> 00:20:02,183
Thanks.
330
00:20:05,145 --> 00:20:06,477
I'll get it.
331
00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:08,854
Hey, how you...
332
00:20:09,149 --> 00:20:10,606
You got a complaint
about the noise.
333
00:20:10,901 --> 00:20:12,517
You're playing
your music too loud!
334
00:20:12,819 --> 00:20:14,401
Oh, I'll turn it down.
335
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,658
What the hell
is going on here?
336
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:22,444
Uh, just a friendly
little get-together.
337
00:20:24,207 --> 00:20:25,869
Can I fix you fellas a drink?
338
00:20:26,167 --> 00:20:27,749
No, no, no, no.
We're on duty.
339
00:20:28,044 --> 00:20:29,044
Oh, sure.
340
00:20:29,337 --> 00:20:31,169
Just keep
the noise down, okay?
341
00:20:31,464 --> 00:20:33,205
Thanks.
342
00:20:33,508 --> 00:20:36,467
Hey, Mike, go ahead, I'll be right down.
I gotta use the can.
343
00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:41,926
Look, mister, really,
I don't have to use the can.
344
00:20:42,225 --> 00:20:46,812
But tell me, please, where do you
get these things? They're fantastic!
345
00:20:47,106 --> 00:20:49,098
You mean, you're a...
346
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,733
Yeah, a lonely cop.
347
00:20:52,027 --> 00:20:54,735
A lonely cop?
Oh, gee!
348
00:20:55,030 --> 00:20:58,694
You get them at the Lonely
Guy Store at 81st and Lex.
349
00:20:58,992 --> 00:21:02,360
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Do you know if they got Gene Hackman?
350
00:21:02,663 --> 00:21:05,497
Uh, Warren?
Yeah?
351
00:21:05,791 --> 00:21:07,999
Does the Lonely Guy Store
have Gene Hackman?
352
00:21:08,293 --> 00:21:12,458
Yes, they do,
but you have to reserve him a week ahead.
353
00:21:12,756 --> 00:21:16,249
Hey, terrific. Thanks again,
I really appreciate it.
354
00:21:16,552 --> 00:21:18,010
Thanks a lot.
It's okay.
355
00:21:22,016 --> 00:21:24,884
Come and get it.
Leg of lamb.
356
00:21:25,186 --> 00:21:28,850
If I could tear you away from Dolly Parton.
She's great, isn't she?
357
00:21:29,149 --> 00:21:34,269
Hey, Warren, do you ever feel like
getting out, and meeting real women?
358
00:21:34,571 --> 00:21:36,971
Oh, sure. I'm meeting a terrific
girl in a bar tomorrow night.
359
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:39,160
You wanna come along?
Maybe you'll meet somebody.
360
00:21:39,325 --> 00:21:40,611
Well, yeah, thanks.
361
00:21:41,703 --> 00:21:43,069
Who's that?
362
00:21:43,371 --> 00:21:45,203
Oh, just a friend of mine
I don't see anymore.
363
00:21:45,498 --> 00:21:48,458
Oh. Well, here's to...
364
00:22:05,352 --> 00:22:09,062
Oh, God, that's funny!
You tell a story so well.
365
00:22:09,356 --> 00:22:11,222
Oh, thanks.
366
00:22:11,525 --> 00:22:12,525
Here's another one.
367
00:22:12,818 --> 00:22:14,058
I'm walking down
Madison Avenue.
368
00:22:14,278 --> 00:22:15,630
It's about 12:00, 12:30...
This is true.
369
00:22:15,654 --> 00:22:16,815
This really happened!
Okay.
370
00:22:17,114 --> 00:22:18,301
This guy comes up
to me, he says...
371
00:22:18,325 --> 00:22:19,657
Hi, hon.
Sorry I'm late.
372
00:22:21,620 --> 00:22:23,260
Hey, Warren.
Thanks for sitting in, buddy.
373
00:22:23,330 --> 00:22:24,974
I was just telling Louise
this great story...
374
00:22:24,998 --> 00:22:26,159
How'd your meeting go?
375
00:22:26,458 --> 00:22:27,685
Oh, terrific. Looks like
we got the deal.
376
00:22:27,709 --> 00:22:28,995
Oh, that's wonderful,
darling!
377
00:22:29,294 --> 00:22:30,626
Great!
378
00:22:30,921 --> 00:22:32,878
Oh, listen, Warren,
thanks again for sitting in.
379
00:22:33,173 --> 00:22:34,525
I hate to have Louise sit and wait
for me alone, you know what I mean?
380
00:22:34,549 --> 00:22:36,006
Oh, that's okay.
I was glad to do it.
381
00:22:36,301 --> 00:22:38,112
Oh, listen, can you do it
again next week, same time?
382
00:22:38,136 --> 00:22:39,172
I'll be about 45 minutes.
383
00:22:39,471 --> 00:22:41,383
Oh, sure, sure.
Enjoy your dinner.
384
00:22:46,770 --> 00:22:48,808
See anybody?
385
00:22:49,106 --> 00:22:51,460
Yeah. I'm trying to get my courage
up to talk to that girl over there.
386
00:22:51,484 --> 00:22:53,476
Ooh, she's pretty.
387
00:22:53,778 --> 00:22:55,360
No kidding.
388
00:22:58,950 --> 00:23:00,737
Gee, I don't think so.
389
00:23:01,035 --> 00:23:02,035
Why not?
390
00:23:03,538 --> 00:23:05,621
I mean, she's
really attractive.
391
00:23:07,416 --> 00:23:09,578
Well, hey!
392
00:23:10,836 --> 00:23:12,168
Well, I mean,
you know, try.
393
00:23:12,463 --> 00:23:13,795
Well, I will.
394
00:23:19,220 --> 00:23:20,302
Hi, I'm Larry.
395
00:23:20,597 --> 00:23:21,804
Hi. Brenda.
396
00:23:22,099 --> 00:23:23,590
It's okay?
Mmm-hmm.
397
00:23:27,521 --> 00:23:29,763
Boy, I hate these places,
don't you?
398
00:23:30,065 --> 00:23:33,684
It's like, most of these guys
are just here for one thing.
399
00:23:33,986 --> 00:23:37,946
I guess I wanna meet someone I can talk to,
just get to know,
400
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:44,532
and go to dinners with,
and museums, art galleries.
401
00:23:44,830 --> 00:23:47,948
I think what I'm looking for,
is more of a real relationship.
402
00:23:48,250 --> 00:23:52,461
Oh, that's great, Larry,
but I just came here to get laid.
403
00:24:00,054 --> 00:24:01,420
Ever think of
getting a dog?
404
00:24:02,557 --> 00:24:04,139
A dog.
405
00:24:04,434 --> 00:24:06,847
Dogs are great. They leap all over you.
They lick your face.
406
00:24:07,145 --> 00:24:09,853
They don't even have to like you,
it's their instinct.
407
00:24:10,148 --> 00:24:12,811
Hitler had a dog,
that dog went crazy over him.
408
00:24:13,109 --> 00:24:15,021
Adolf Hitler?
Yeah.
409
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:16,982
There's this pet shop,
has this policy,
410
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:18,987
you take a dog home,
you don't like it,
411
00:24:19,282 --> 00:24:21,696
you bring it back in 24 hours,
you get another dog.
412
00:24:21,994 --> 00:24:23,360
That sounds like a good deal.
413
00:24:23,662 --> 00:24:25,324
It is a good deal.
414
00:24:25,623 --> 00:24:27,455
I learned a lot
about dogs that week.
415
00:24:27,750 --> 00:24:30,242
For instance, don't get a dog
that's bigger than you are,
416
00:24:30,544 --> 00:24:33,503
unless you're trying to
save money on bus fare.
417
00:24:33,797 --> 00:24:35,254
Okay. Here we go.
Here we go.
418
00:24:35,549 --> 00:24:37,461
Here we go, boy. Come on.
Come on! There we go.
419
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:40,120
And if you like to play fetch,
don't get a fast dog.
420
00:24:40,179 --> 00:24:43,092
Fast dogs like to show off,
and they don't care about your stick.
421
00:24:43,390 --> 00:24:46,303
If they don't come back by nightfall,
you're out $300.
422
00:24:48,646 --> 00:24:50,763
Bassets are really
cuddly dogs.
423
00:24:51,065 --> 00:24:53,558
They love to get in bed
and nuzzle right up to you.
424
00:24:53,860 --> 00:24:56,773
The only problem is, they miss their mother,
and they howl all night,
425
00:24:57,072 --> 00:24:58,832
and you have to pretend
you're a basset, too,
426
00:24:58,990 --> 00:25:01,073
and howl with him
till he goes back to sleep.
427
00:25:16,675 --> 00:25:18,917
A cute dog
attracts women,
428
00:25:19,219 --> 00:25:23,009
but not to you,
to himself.
429
00:25:23,307 --> 00:25:25,014
I come by here every day
about this time.
430
00:25:25,309 --> 00:25:26,309
Bye, puppy dog!
431
00:25:26,519 --> 00:25:27,805
Me and the dog. Bye.
432
00:25:31,732 --> 00:25:33,143
Hello, puppy.
433
00:25:38,572 --> 00:25:40,029
Dogs have a great deal.
434
00:25:40,324 --> 00:25:42,816
Hey, you!
What's your name?
435
00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:44,610
Larry Hubbard. Why?
436
00:25:44,912 --> 00:25:46,431
I'm gonna have to write you a ticket.
What for?
437
00:25:46,455 --> 00:25:48,321
Your dog just fouled
the pathway over there.
438
00:25:48,624 --> 00:25:49,624
He what?
439
00:25:50,626 --> 00:25:51,626
He pooped.
440
00:25:54,589 --> 00:25:58,128
Excuse me, Officer, but I don't
think that poop came from this dog.
441
00:25:58,427 --> 00:26:00,259
No, no, I'm sure of it.
Definitely not.
442
00:26:00,554 --> 00:26:01,670
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
443
00:26:01,972 --> 00:26:03,634
No, Officer, I mean it.
444
00:26:03,932 --> 00:26:06,970
Look, in the last week,
I've had five different dogs.
445
00:26:07,269 --> 00:26:10,979
I think I'm beginning to know what
kind of poop goes with each dog.
446
00:26:11,273 --> 00:26:13,640
I think I may even say,
without undue modesty,
447
00:26:13,942 --> 00:26:16,309
that I am becoming somewhat
of an expert on poop.
448
00:26:16,611 --> 00:26:21,106
And I can assure you that that
poop did not come from this dog!
449
00:26:22,993 --> 00:26:24,610
Thanks.
450
00:26:24,912 --> 00:26:27,996
I mean, this is a little dog.
That looks like a land mine.
451
00:26:28,666 --> 00:26:31,033
God!
452
00:26:31,335 --> 00:26:33,748
Warren, I gotta
meet a girl.
453
00:26:35,506 --> 00:26:37,793
That was your dog's poop,
I saw him do it.
454
00:26:38,092 --> 00:26:39,378
Oh, Warren!
455
00:26:41,012 --> 00:26:43,345
I mean, look at that guy,
he's got a girl.
456
00:26:43,639 --> 00:26:44,759
He had to meet her
someplace.
457
00:26:45,057 --> 00:26:47,549
He wasn't born
with his arm around her.
458
00:26:47,852 --> 00:26:50,139
What about jogging?
Maybe you can meet girls jogging.
459
00:26:50,438 --> 00:26:52,851
Jogging. I remember
when I first saw Rocky,
460
00:26:53,149 --> 00:26:55,437
I came running out of the theater,
ran into the park,
461
00:26:55,736 --> 00:26:57,693
started jogging,
shadow boxing.
462
00:26:57,988 --> 00:26:59,900
A guy came up and punched
me right in the face.
463
00:27:00,199 --> 00:27:01,485
Oh, God!
464
00:27:22,513 --> 00:27:25,882
I'm not really jogging.
I only ran about 50 yards.
465
00:27:26,184 --> 00:27:28,892
This is not real sweat,
either, I sprayed it on.
466
00:27:29,187 --> 00:27:31,053
They sell this
at sporting goods stores,
467
00:27:31,356 --> 00:27:34,474
it's made from the actual sweat
of professional athletes.
468
00:27:34,776 --> 00:27:37,484
This was taken from a Boston
Celtics basketball player,
469
00:27:37,779 --> 00:27:39,645
immediately after
a double-overtime game.
470
00:27:45,411 --> 00:27:47,448
I think I'm getting hungry.
471
00:27:52,001 --> 00:27:55,791
A vanilla yogurt milkshake,
please.
472
00:27:56,090 --> 00:27:59,254
Did 22 miles today. 3-0-6!
That's my best time ever.
473
00:28:00,845 --> 00:28:02,113
Don't sweat
on the counter, please.
474
00:28:02,137 --> 00:28:03,628
Oh, sorry.
475
00:28:08,894 --> 00:28:09,894
Oh, that's beautiful!
476
00:28:11,272 --> 00:28:12,388
Hi.
477
00:28:14,817 --> 00:28:17,045
I was just noticing that book you're reading,
Mayor of Casterbridge.
478
00:28:17,069 --> 00:28:19,527
That's really a coincidence,
because I did my final term paper
479
00:28:19,822 --> 00:28:22,280
on Thomas Hardy,
my senior year in college.
480
00:28:22,575 --> 00:28:25,283
You know, Hardy was
a very interesting man.
481
00:28:25,578 --> 00:28:27,616
When he was
in London in 1861...
482
00:28:27,914 --> 00:28:29,951
How long have you
been a lonely guy?
483
00:28:32,043 --> 00:28:33,659
Is it that noticeable?
484
00:28:35,380 --> 00:28:37,997
What is it
that gave me away?
485
00:28:38,300 --> 00:28:40,462
I know phony sweat
when I smell it.
486
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:43,548
When you first came in,
I thought you were Larry Bird.
487
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:45,679
Sorry, it was dumb.
488
00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:49,934
It's just that I saw you sitting there,
and I wanted to meet you.
489
00:28:50,228 --> 00:28:52,094
No, that's not
even true, either.
490
00:28:52,397 --> 00:28:54,855
I just wanted
to meet anybody.
491
00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:57,063
I know.
It can be rough.
492
00:28:57,361 --> 00:28:59,318
Did you try a fern?
493
00:28:59,614 --> 00:29:00,614
Yeah.
494
00:29:00,698 --> 00:29:02,030
A dog?
495
00:29:02,325 --> 00:29:04,692
Yeah, but they don't seem
to really help that...
496
00:29:04,994 --> 00:29:07,702
How come you know so much
about lonely guys?
497
00:29:07,997 --> 00:29:09,863
My husband Marty
was a lonely guy.
498
00:29:10,166 --> 00:29:11,166
Oh, husband.
499
00:29:11,417 --> 00:29:13,158
My ex-husband.
Oh.
500
00:29:13,461 --> 00:29:16,625
That's how we met.
I fell for the phony jogging bit.
501
00:29:16,923 --> 00:29:21,133
Never again. I learned to tell the
difference between real and bottled sweat.
502
00:29:21,427 --> 00:29:22,668
Here, smell mine.
503
00:29:26,057 --> 00:29:27,298
Oh, yeah.
504
00:29:27,601 --> 00:29:28,995
Now, see, that's terrific.
That's sweat!
505
00:29:29,019 --> 00:29:30,430
Thank you.
506
00:29:32,022 --> 00:29:33,888
Oh, yeah,
there's no comparison!
507
00:29:34,191 --> 00:29:36,433
Thanks.
508
00:29:36,735 --> 00:29:39,523
So, um, how long were you
and Marty married?
509
00:29:39,821 --> 00:29:41,278
Oh, not long.
510
00:29:41,573 --> 00:29:43,781
I found out he was having an
affair with a ballet dancer.
511
00:29:45,744 --> 00:29:47,280
Dancer?
Now this may sound silly,
512
00:29:47,579 --> 00:29:50,242
but, by any chance, that
dancer wasn't named Danielle?
513
00:29:50,540 --> 00:29:53,032
No, no. Raul.
514
00:29:53,335 --> 00:29:54,826
Oh.
515
00:29:57,172 --> 00:29:58,880
Absolutely no comparison.
516
00:30:03,972 --> 00:30:06,134
Well, I guess
I'd better be going.
517
00:30:06,432 --> 00:30:11,097
Hang in there.
Lonely guys don't stay lonely forever.
518
00:30:11,396 --> 00:30:12,978
Hey, um, what's your name?
519
00:30:13,272 --> 00:30:15,389
Where do you live?
Could I call you sometime?
520
00:30:15,692 --> 00:30:17,524
I wrote it all down
on the napkin.
521
00:30:19,779 --> 00:30:21,395
I know what
you're going through.
522
00:30:23,825 --> 00:30:26,488
Wow, that's fantastic.
What a great girl!
523
00:30:26,786 --> 00:30:31,122
Uh, that's $1.50.
You've got some yogurt on your face.
524
00:30:33,794 --> 00:30:35,080
What a great girl.
525
00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:39,957
I woke up early
the next morning.
526
00:30:40,259 --> 00:30:44,549
Too early to call her.
I just couldn't get her out of my mind.
527
00:30:44,847 --> 00:30:46,679
I couldn't wait
till I got to know her.
528
00:31:01,114 --> 00:31:05,028
I love the way your nose
crinkles up when you smile.
529
00:31:05,326 --> 00:31:09,320
Ugly? They are not.
I love your freckles.
530
00:31:11,249 --> 00:31:14,538
What's the best movie you
ever saw in your whole life?
531
00:31:14,836 --> 00:31:17,544
You're kidding!
I don't believe it, me, too.
532
00:31:17,839 --> 00:31:19,922
Favorite food?
533
00:31:20,216 --> 00:31:21,923
With or without
walnuts?
534
00:31:22,218 --> 00:31:24,130
I knew it!
I knew it!
535
00:31:27,307 --> 00:31:30,676
What's the saddest thing
that ever happened to you?
536
00:31:33,773 --> 00:31:36,891
My God! Really?
537
00:31:37,193 --> 00:31:40,652
That's awful. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make you cry.
538
00:31:40,946 --> 00:31:43,563
There, there.
Just cry right into my arms.
539
00:31:43,866 --> 00:31:45,778
It's gonna be all right.
Everything's all right.
540
00:31:46,077 --> 00:31:48,490
I'm here.
I'm never gonna leave you.
541
00:32:05,055 --> 00:32:07,798
I couldn't wait any longer.
I had to talk to her.
542
00:32:08,100 --> 00:32:10,342
She had to be up by now,
it was almost 6:00.
543
00:32:19,027 --> 00:32:20,188
Oh, God!
544
00:32:21,279 --> 00:32:23,191
Lois? Doris.
545
00:32:24,407 --> 00:32:25,648
Or...
546
00:32:25,951 --> 00:32:27,658
Boris?
547
00:32:27,953 --> 00:32:29,319
7-3-6?
548
00:32:29,621 --> 00:32:31,203
7-3-8.
549
00:32:32,250 --> 00:32:34,162
1-3-6?
Damn it!
550
00:32:51,185 --> 00:32:52,266
Hello?
551
00:32:52,562 --> 00:32:54,428
Hello. Is there a Lois
living there?
552
00:32:54,730 --> 00:32:55,891
Uh, Lois? No.
553
00:32:56,190 --> 00:32:58,523
Uh, Doris?
No.
554
00:32:58,818 --> 00:33:00,525
Uh, Bess or Tess?
555
00:33:00,820 --> 00:33:02,483
No. Hey, who is this?
556
00:33:02,781 --> 00:33:04,192
Please, sir,
this is very important.
557
00:33:04,491 --> 00:33:06,427
Can you just tell me,
is there a girl living there,
558
00:33:06,451 --> 00:33:09,660
mid 20s, 5'3", blonde,
559
00:33:09,955 --> 00:33:13,414
beautiful face,
great figure,
560
00:33:13,709 --> 00:33:16,873
fresh skin, full lips,
561
00:33:17,171 --> 00:33:20,289
and young, vibrant, alive?
562
00:33:21,008 --> 00:33:22,749
Is there?
563
00:33:23,051 --> 00:33:25,794
No, no, no.
But please, please don't stop.
564
00:33:37,567 --> 00:33:38,567
Hello?
565
00:33:38,735 --> 00:33:40,021
Larry?
566
00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:41,320
Yeah. Who's this?
567
00:33:41,529 --> 00:33:42,645
Danielle.
568
00:33:43,448 --> 00:33:45,030
Danielle?
569
00:33:45,325 --> 00:33:47,237
I want you back, Larry.
570
00:33:47,535 --> 00:33:51,074
Yeah, me and every other guy in New York.
How's the rock group?
571
00:33:51,372 --> 00:33:53,079
Oh, Larry.
572
00:33:53,374 --> 00:33:56,082
You're the only one that
ever meant anything to me.
573
00:33:56,377 --> 00:33:57,479
This is the pits, man.
574
00:33:57,503 --> 00:33:58,503
The only one.
575
00:33:58,755 --> 00:33:59,962
Who took my pick?
576
00:34:00,256 --> 00:34:01,609
- Not me, man.
- I lost my sack.
577
00:34:01,633 --> 00:34:02,919
Oh, good-bye, Iggy.
Bye, babe.
578
00:34:03,218 --> 00:34:06,053
Good-bye, Fuzzy, Zippy, Zingo, Starr.
Adios.
579
00:34:06,347 --> 00:34:08,491
Oh, Iggy, on your way out,
could you take out the garbage?
580
00:34:08,515 --> 00:34:09,676
Thanks, love.
581
00:34:12,144 --> 00:34:13,555
What about mushy-mushy?
582
00:34:13,854 --> 00:34:15,415
Need a little help
with the drums.
583
00:34:15,439 --> 00:34:16,439
Don't you miss it?
584
00:34:16,523 --> 00:34:17,523
No.
585
00:34:17,650 --> 00:34:18,766
Yes, you do.
586
00:34:19,068 --> 00:34:21,276
All right, so I miss it.
Big deal.
587
00:34:21,570 --> 00:34:22,570
Bye, Danny.
588
00:34:22,696 --> 00:34:26,565
I'm all alone in bed.
589
00:34:26,867 --> 00:34:29,905
It would only take you
five minutes to get here.
590
00:34:30,204 --> 00:34:33,618
There'll never be
anyone else for me but you.
591
00:34:33,916 --> 00:34:36,330
Just you and me,
592
00:34:36,628 --> 00:34:39,871
together forever and ever.
593
00:34:42,050 --> 00:34:43,666
Do you mean that, Danielle?
594
00:34:43,969 --> 00:34:46,712
Hold on a sec.
I got another call.
595
00:34:47,013 --> 00:34:49,426
I knew she'd come
back to me! I knew it!
596
00:34:51,935 --> 00:34:54,222
Hello? Who's this?
597
00:34:54,521 --> 00:34:58,185
Larry. Larry Hubbard.
598
00:34:58,483 --> 00:35:01,521
Oh, Larry.
Nice to hear from you.
599
00:35:01,820 --> 00:35:06,361
Listen, I'm a little busy right now,
can you call me back some other time, okay?
600
00:35:20,423 --> 00:35:22,255
...with a 20% chance of rain,
601
00:35:22,550 --> 00:35:24,041
clearing in the afternoon.
602
00:35:24,343 --> 00:35:27,131
There were three suicides
in Manhattan late last night,
603
00:35:27,430 --> 00:35:29,843
all characterized
as lonely guys.
604
00:35:30,141 --> 00:35:32,849
Two of the men were found dead
in their West Side apartments,
605
00:35:33,144 --> 00:35:36,388
both traveling salesmen who came
home from the road after two weeks,
606
00:35:36,690 --> 00:35:40,024
and found that their large,
beautiful fern plants were dead.
607
00:35:40,319 --> 00:35:41,981
Wow.
A third lonely guy,
608
00:35:42,279 --> 00:35:43,895
who had a view just
below the East River,
609
00:35:44,197 --> 00:35:45,859
opened his window and drowned.
610
00:35:46,158 --> 00:35:49,868
There was no suicide note.
Apparently, he had no one to leave it to.
611
00:35:50,162 --> 00:35:51,278
Talk about lonely.
612
00:35:51,580 --> 00:35:53,321
And here's a bulletin.
613
00:35:53,623 --> 00:35:57,116
The New York Police Department reports
there's just been another suicide,
614
00:35:57,419 --> 00:36:00,332
that of a lonely rock group.
More details as we get them.
615
00:36:00,630 --> 00:36:01,996
Way to go, Danielle.
616
00:36:02,299 --> 00:36:04,757
And now, back to easy listening.
It's kind of a late...
617
00:36:08,681 --> 00:36:12,300
Queen's rook to king three.
618
00:36:21,569 --> 00:36:22,685
Hello.
619
00:36:23,613 --> 00:36:25,730
Hello?
620
00:36:26,032 --> 00:36:28,177
Hey, Warren, it's Larry. You wanna do
something tonight, maybe go to dinner?
621
00:36:28,201 --> 00:36:32,241
No, thanks, Larry.
No, I think maybe I'll just stay in tonight,
622
00:36:32,538 --> 00:36:35,326
relax, put on a fire.
Maybe some other time.
623
00:36:35,625 --> 00:36:37,538
Sure. I understand.
Thanks for calling.
624
00:36:37,836 --> 00:36:38,872
Bye.
625
00:36:49,973 --> 00:36:52,636
Capture of queen by rook.
626
00:37:01,026 --> 00:37:04,815
Queen's rook to queen seven.
Checkmate.
627
00:37:07,449 --> 00:37:09,908
Thank you
for a pleasant game.
628
00:37:10,203 --> 00:37:12,035
Thank you.
629
00:37:12,330 --> 00:37:16,870
You played very well,
except for moves 14 through 17,
630
00:37:17,168 --> 00:37:20,036
which you played
like an asshole.
631
00:37:37,647 --> 00:37:38,648
Yes?
632
00:37:38,941 --> 00:37:40,301
Hi. Do you have
a table for dinner?
633
00:37:40,401 --> 00:37:41,920
Certainly, sir.
How many in your party?
634
00:37:41,944 --> 00:37:42,944
I'm alone.
635
00:37:43,237 --> 00:37:44,318
Alone?
636
00:37:53,998 --> 00:37:55,079
Follow me, sir.
637
00:37:59,503 --> 00:38:00,789
This way, sir.
638
00:38:16,438 --> 00:38:17,554
Thank you.
639
00:38:20,317 --> 00:38:22,354
Would you care
for a cocktail, sir?
640
00:38:22,652 --> 00:38:24,143
Yes, I'd like
a todka and vonic.
641
00:38:24,446 --> 00:38:25,527
A todka and vonic?
642
00:38:25,822 --> 00:38:26,822
Yes.
643
00:38:26,907 --> 00:38:28,318
Very good, sir.
644
00:38:30,494 --> 00:38:32,531
Oh, and, Captain?
645
00:38:32,829 --> 00:38:34,491
Could you turn out
the spotlight, please?
646
00:38:34,789 --> 00:38:35,789
Certainly.
647
00:38:37,626 --> 00:38:41,120
And could everybody
go back to talking?
648
00:38:41,422 --> 00:38:42,422
Certainly.
649
00:38:59,273 --> 00:39:01,185
This is
the really hard part,
650
00:39:01,484 --> 00:39:03,004
sitting there
trying to convince people
651
00:39:03,236 --> 00:39:05,398
you're eating alone
on purpose.
652
00:39:05,696 --> 00:39:07,653
But Warren told me
how to handle it.
653
00:39:14,831 --> 00:39:16,823
Is it all right?
654
00:39:19,002 --> 00:39:20,914
Oh, you can read
my review next Sunday.
655
00:39:29,137 --> 00:39:30,218
Hi.
656
00:39:30,514 --> 00:39:32,380
Oh, it's you!
My God, it's you!
657
00:39:32,683 --> 00:39:34,443
I wiped my mouth with
the napkin you gave me.
658
00:39:34,643 --> 00:39:36,509
I spent two solid days
trying to decipher it.
659
00:39:36,812 --> 00:39:38,599
I promised God
if he let me find you again,
660
00:39:38,897 --> 00:39:41,231
I would never ever wipe food
off my face as long as I live.
661
00:39:41,526 --> 00:39:43,609
Oh, well, I figured
that would happen.
662
00:39:43,903 --> 00:39:46,065
Lonely guys always
lose phone numbers.
663
00:39:46,364 --> 00:39:47,571
What is your name?
Iris.
664
00:39:47,865 --> 00:39:50,824
Iris! Iris.
Of course, Iris.
665
00:39:51,119 --> 00:39:52,906
Sit down. Let me
get you something.
666
00:39:53,204 --> 00:39:56,322
Oh, no, thanks. I'm here with my ex-husband,
and we're leaving.
667
00:39:58,459 --> 00:39:59,620
So that's Marty?
668
00:39:59,919 --> 00:40:02,787
Oh, no, that's
my ex-husband Jeremy.
669
00:40:03,089 --> 00:40:05,081
Different ex-husband?
Mmm.
670
00:40:05,383 --> 00:40:07,124
Well, I have to go.
671
00:40:07,427 --> 00:40:09,196
Wait. Your number.
Oh, I wrote it down on the check.
672
00:40:09,220 --> 00:40:11,303
The, uh, waiter will
give it to you.
673
00:40:11,599 --> 00:40:12,635
I'll call you tomorrow.
674
00:40:12,933 --> 00:40:14,515
Okay.
675
00:40:14,810 --> 00:40:16,767
Bye.
Bye.
676
00:40:17,062 --> 00:40:19,805
Iris, Iris, Iris.
Waiter! Check.
677
00:40:21,483 --> 00:40:22,974
Here we are, sir.
678
00:40:23,277 --> 00:40:24,893
Thank you.
679
00:40:25,195 --> 00:40:28,188
No, no. Please, sir.
With an eminent food critic such as yourself,
680
00:40:28,490 --> 00:40:29,822
the pleasure
is all ours.
681
00:40:30,117 --> 00:40:31,233
No...
682
00:40:43,089 --> 00:40:45,126
I phoned every Iris
in the New York area.
683
00:40:45,425 --> 00:40:47,291
Hello?
Hi.
684
00:40:47,594 --> 00:40:49,780
Is this the Iris who gave me her
number in a restaurant last night?
685
00:40:49,804 --> 00:40:51,011
No, it's not.
686
00:40:51,306 --> 00:40:53,172
Sorry.
687
00:40:53,475 --> 00:40:56,138
I combed the entire
neighborhood where I met her.
688
00:41:03,151 --> 00:41:06,269
Night and day,
day and night.
689
00:41:17,583 --> 00:41:20,997
I got so desperate,
I went up to my roof and called out her name.
690
00:41:21,295 --> 00:41:22,706
Iris!
691
00:41:24,632 --> 00:41:27,420
Iris, where are you?
692
00:41:27,718 --> 00:41:31,632
Marilyn!
Marilyn, my love!
693
00:41:31,931 --> 00:41:38,019
Barbara!
Where are you, Barbara?
694
00:41:38,312 --> 00:41:43,023
Lupe, I miss you!
Where are you?
695
00:41:43,317 --> 00:41:47,983
Erica!
Erica, it's me!
696
00:41:49,491 --> 00:41:50,857
Iris!
697
00:41:51,159 --> 00:41:53,151
Caroline!
698
00:41:53,453 --> 00:41:55,319
Iris, where are you?
Barbara!
699
00:41:55,622 --> 00:41:57,488
Erica!
Caroline!
700
00:41:57,791 --> 00:42:02,081
Lupe, where are you?
Iris!
701
00:42:02,379 --> 00:42:05,998
When I was in high school,
I went to a movie theater with a girl.
702
00:42:06,299 --> 00:42:09,167
I was sitting there,
and about 20 minutes into the picture,
703
00:42:09,469 --> 00:42:12,177
I slowly put my arm
around her.
704
00:42:12,472 --> 00:42:16,558
Slowly, slowly, I put it on her
breast. She didn't say a word.
705
00:42:18,104 --> 00:42:19,686
And I thought,
"This is great."
706
00:42:19,981 --> 00:42:21,041
And I sat through the whole
picture and didn't move.
707
00:42:21,065 --> 00:42:22,806
It was just right there.
708
00:42:23,109 --> 00:42:25,003
And when the lights came up,
I realized it was on her purse.
709
00:42:25,027 --> 00:42:26,027
Oh.
710
00:42:27,071 --> 00:42:28,403
It was still fun, though.
711
00:42:28,698 --> 00:42:30,189
'Cause you didn't know, yeah.
Yeah.
712
00:42:32,285 --> 00:42:34,445
I thought it might
help to see a psychiatrist.
713
00:42:34,579 --> 00:42:36,616
You know, just to have
someone to unload on,
714
00:42:36,914 --> 00:42:39,156
someone compassionate
and understanding.
715
00:42:42,795 --> 00:42:43,876
Does Dr. Zook live here?
716
00:42:44,172 --> 00:42:45,173
Second bell from the top.
717
00:42:45,382 --> 00:42:46,382
Thank you.
718
00:42:49,887 --> 00:42:50,887
Yes?
719
00:42:51,096 --> 00:42:52,336
Hi, Dr. Zook.
My name's Hubbard.
720
00:42:52,514 --> 00:42:54,255
I have a 3:00
appointment with you.
721
00:42:54,558 --> 00:42:56,800
Hubbard, yes.
Nice to meet you.
722
00:42:57,102 --> 00:42:58,218
Thank you.
723
00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:00,887
Talk into the box,
please.
724
00:43:01,190 --> 00:43:02,190
What?
725
00:43:02,274 --> 00:43:03,731
Talk into the box.
726
00:43:04,026 --> 00:43:07,565
So, why did you decide
to come and see me?
727
00:43:13,535 --> 00:43:17,621
Well, I recently ended
a relationship with this girl,
728
00:43:17,916 --> 00:43:22,581
and I was feeling
kind of lonely, and I...
729
00:43:22,879 --> 00:43:25,212
Excuse me.
Do you mind if I smoke?
730
00:43:26,466 --> 00:43:27,582
Uh, no. Go ahead.
731
00:43:27,884 --> 00:43:29,876
Thank you.
732
00:43:30,178 --> 00:43:32,459
You were saying you ended this
relationship with this girl?
733
00:43:32,722 --> 00:43:34,554
Well, I came home...
734
00:43:34,849 --> 00:43:37,329
See, I was living with a ballet dancer,
her name was Danielle...
735
00:43:37,393 --> 00:43:39,931
So when my father gave me a "C" in English,
I didn't understand.
736
00:43:40,230 --> 00:43:43,167
I mean, he told me it was because he had
to treat me like all the other kids,
737
00:43:43,191 --> 00:43:45,551
but I really thought he was being much,
much tougher on me...
738
00:43:45,610 --> 00:43:49,446
Sorry, Larry.
That's all the time we have for today.
739
00:43:49,740 --> 00:43:53,029
If you like, I can see you
next Thursday at 3:00.
740
00:43:53,327 --> 00:43:55,785
Yes, yes, I would.
I think the talking has helped.
741
00:43:56,080 --> 00:44:00,120
Well, good. Now,
if you'll just deposit $50 in my mail slot.
742
00:44:01,544 --> 00:44:02,751
Okay. Thanks.
743
00:44:03,045 --> 00:44:04,045
You bet.
744
00:44:05,130 --> 00:44:06,871
You know what gets me?
745
00:44:07,174 --> 00:44:09,334
I go to get a haircut,
they charge me, like, four bucks,
746
00:44:09,552 --> 00:44:12,340
which is the same amount of money
they would charge anybody to come in,
747
00:44:12,638 --> 00:44:15,597
but, like, say a guy like Michael
Landon goes into the shop where I go,
748
00:44:15,891 --> 00:44:17,745
they would charge him four bucks,
yet he's got, like,
749
00:44:17,769 --> 00:44:20,352
a hundred times more hair
than I do.
750
00:44:20,647 --> 00:44:23,481
By rights, they should be charging
Michael Landon, like, $400.
751
00:44:23,775 --> 00:44:26,768
Yeah, but they don't charge you by how
much hair you've got, they charge...
752
00:44:27,070 --> 00:44:30,313
They're paid to make it look
good with what you've got.
753
00:44:30,615 --> 00:44:32,218
Well, I don't even know
if they've done that.
754
00:44:32,242 --> 00:44:33,528
I mean, how does that look?
755
00:44:35,245 --> 00:44:36,781
See, that's what I'm saying.
756
00:44:37,080 --> 00:44:38,840
You ever tried, maybe,
like, swooping it over?
757
00:44:39,082 --> 00:44:40,601
You know how some guys,
they grow their hair real long,
758
00:44:40,625 --> 00:44:42,287
and then, like,
they swoop it over.
759
00:44:42,586 --> 00:44:44,397
You can do a lot like that,
you can get a pompadour and everything.
760
00:44:44,421 --> 00:44:46,341
My hair doesn't grow long
enough to swoop it over.
761
00:44:46,506 --> 00:44:48,947
Besides, I think when you see a
guy with his hair swooped over,
762
00:44:49,218 --> 00:44:51,218
you know he's, like,
doing it to cover up something.
763
00:44:51,470 --> 00:44:53,699
Yeah, I mean, if a guy has a lot of hair,
he's not gonna swoop it over.
764
00:44:53,723 --> 00:44:56,466
Guy has a lot of hair,
he's not gonna swoop it over.
765
00:44:56,767 --> 00:44:58,453
You know,
the guys who always keep their hair,
766
00:44:58,477 --> 00:45:00,157
are the guys who have
no use for it at all,
767
00:45:00,396 --> 00:45:01,874
they're not trying
to impress anybody.
768
00:45:01,898 --> 00:45:03,810
Who's that?
Like bums.
769
00:45:04,108 --> 00:45:07,272
You ever seen a bald bum?
They always have a beautiful head of hair.
770
00:45:07,570 --> 00:45:08,731
Why is that?
771
00:45:09,030 --> 00:45:11,773
I think it's because
they never wash it.
772
00:45:12,074 --> 00:45:13,719
It's the only time you ever
see your hair fall out,
773
00:45:13,743 --> 00:45:15,429
is after you take your shower,
and you wash your hair,
774
00:45:15,453 --> 00:45:17,365
there's a bunch
of hair lying there.
775
00:45:17,663 --> 00:45:19,684
You mean, if I'd never washed my hair,
I'd have a full head of hair?
776
00:45:19,708 --> 00:45:21,895
Of course, they could lose their hair,
too, and maybe it just stays in.
777
00:45:21,919 --> 00:45:24,559
Just locked in there. If they ever wash it,
they could be bald bums.
778
00:45:24,755 --> 00:45:25,755
Yeah.
779
00:45:34,473 --> 00:45:36,433
Mr. Hubbard,
the manuscript which you sent us,
780
00:45:36,725 --> 00:45:40,093
it is not the sort of thing this
company is interested in doing,
781
00:45:40,395 --> 00:45:41,761
the Speedy Fingers
Typing Service.
782
00:45:43,315 --> 00:45:44,515
Hi, Larry,
it's Warren.
783
00:45:44,775 --> 00:45:46,615
I can't go to the movie
with you tomorrow night
784
00:45:46,735 --> 00:45:49,023
because I decided
to end it all.
785
00:45:49,322 --> 00:45:51,154
My life just seems so empty
and meaningless
786
00:45:51,449 --> 00:45:54,658
that I can't see any point
in going on with it.
787
00:45:54,953 --> 00:45:57,741
Hope you enjoy the movie.
Good-bye.
788
00:46:08,216 --> 00:46:10,424
I figured he'd be
at the Manhattan Bridge.
789
00:46:10,718 --> 00:46:13,711
It was a sort of "in" spot
for suicidal lonely guys.
790
00:46:20,312 --> 00:46:21,723
Check it out, man.
791
00:46:32,074 --> 00:46:33,440
We got some more paint.
792
00:46:34,743 --> 00:46:35,859
Block the door, man.
793
00:46:36,161 --> 00:46:37,743
Check it, check it.
Check it out.
794
00:46:50,802 --> 00:46:53,169
Iris! I lost
your phone number!
795
00:47:02,313 --> 00:47:04,555
Hey, hey, hey!
796
00:47:15,785 --> 00:47:17,401
I'll see you there.
797
00:47:21,792 --> 00:47:24,159
Man, you sure are some
bad backward writer.
798
00:47:24,462 --> 00:47:25,543
Thanks.
799
00:47:34,346 --> 00:47:35,712
Warren?
800
00:47:36,766 --> 00:47:39,725
Warren! Warren!
801
00:47:42,438 --> 00:47:44,270
Warren.
802
00:47:44,565 --> 00:47:46,477
Warren?
803
00:47:47,610 --> 00:47:48,942
Warren?
804
00:47:49,779 --> 00:47:51,190
Warren!
805
00:47:53,283 --> 00:47:55,650
- Warren!
- Carol!
806
00:47:55,952 --> 00:47:56,988
Warren?
807
00:47:58,371 --> 00:47:59,578
Warren!
808
00:48:02,501 --> 00:48:04,959
Warren. Warren?
809
00:48:05,962 --> 00:48:07,578
No. Henry.
810
00:48:08,840 --> 00:48:10,376
Warren?
811
00:48:10,675 --> 00:48:11,961
Warren?
812
00:48:12,260 --> 00:48:13,626
Warren!
813
00:48:13,929 --> 00:48:15,886
Don't come any closer, Larry.
814
00:48:16,181 --> 00:48:19,640
Warren, come down from there.
You have too much to live for.
815
00:48:19,935 --> 00:48:21,517
Give me three things.
816
00:48:25,983 --> 00:48:27,099
Two things?
817
00:48:30,988 --> 00:48:32,900
One thing?
818
00:48:33,199 --> 00:48:35,907
Not dying. Not dying
is something to live for.
819
00:48:36,202 --> 00:48:37,989
What's the difference?
Nobody cares.
820
00:48:38,287 --> 00:48:40,607
Warren, I care. I'm your friend.
I care what happens to you.
821
00:48:40,873 --> 00:48:43,365
You gotta believe that,
Warren. You gotta believe it.
822
00:48:43,668 --> 00:48:45,455
You're great, Larry.
823
00:48:45,753 --> 00:48:47,397
I mean, a lot of people say they're your friend...
- Larry?
824
00:48:47,421 --> 00:48:49,066
...but to come running
down here like this.
825
00:48:49,090 --> 00:48:51,173
Stay there.
I'll be right back.
826
00:48:53,178 --> 00:48:56,091
Oh, Iris!
I'm so glad I found you.
827
00:48:58,016 --> 00:48:59,327
Oh, come on.
My best friend is gonna jump.
828
00:48:59,351 --> 00:49:00,558
What?
829
00:49:02,354 --> 00:49:03,470
Warren, please, come down.
830
00:49:03,772 --> 00:49:05,479
Who's this?
831
00:49:05,774 --> 00:49:07,877
This is Iris, the girl I told you about.
I found her again.
832
00:49:07,901 --> 00:49:11,690
Aw, gosh, she is lovely.
How are you?
833
00:49:11,989 --> 00:49:13,605
Fine. You?
834
00:49:15,492 --> 00:49:17,279
Warren, please don't
do this, I need you.
835
00:49:17,578 --> 00:49:19,410
You don't need me.
You two have each other.
836
00:49:19,705 --> 00:49:20,985
No, we don't,
this'll never last.
837
00:49:21,165 --> 00:49:22,827
She's already had
two husbands.
838
00:49:23,125 --> 00:49:24,617
Six.
Six?
839
00:49:24,919 --> 00:49:27,081
Six?
Six.
840
00:49:27,380 --> 00:49:30,141
Six! See? You can't have a stable
relationship with a person like that.
841
00:49:30,341 --> 00:49:34,460
It's nice of you both to lie,
but I can see how you feel about each other.
842
00:49:34,762 --> 00:49:37,425
Okay, but that doesn't mean I
don't need you in my life, too.
843
00:49:37,724 --> 00:49:40,182
You wanna know the place
I'll have in your life?
844
00:49:40,476 --> 00:49:44,686
You'll have a beautiful wife,
great kids, lovely home,
845
00:49:44,981 --> 00:49:46,563
and I'll be
your bachelor friend
846
00:49:46,858 --> 00:49:48,586
who you feel you have to
invite to your dinner party,
847
00:49:48,610 --> 00:49:50,351
because you haven't
seen me in ages.
848
00:49:50,653 --> 00:49:52,053
But Iris has run out of
single women
849
00:49:52,322 --> 00:49:53,984
to fix me up with,
as a dinner date,
850
00:49:54,283 --> 00:49:56,696
so she wracks her brain and
comes up with this widow
851
00:49:56,994 --> 00:50:00,578
who's 15 years older than me,
overweight, with rotten teeth.
852
00:50:02,208 --> 00:50:03,768
You know, it doesn't
sound all that bad.
853
00:50:05,294 --> 00:50:07,160
I mean, I like
a full-figured woman.
854
00:50:07,463 --> 00:50:09,329
Teeth you can always fix.
855
00:50:09,632 --> 00:50:12,295
And what does age matter,
if you have a good personality, right?
856
00:50:12,593 --> 00:50:13,754
That's right!
857
00:50:14,053 --> 00:50:15,373
Would you make
a nice leg of lamb?
858
00:50:15,596 --> 00:50:16,596
Oh, yes.
859
00:50:16,722 --> 00:50:18,008
Oh, I love lamb.
860
00:50:18,307 --> 00:50:19,747
Excuse me.
Are you using this railing?
861
00:50:19,934 --> 00:50:20,970
No.
862
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:22,554
Thank you.
You're welcome.
863
00:50:22,853 --> 00:50:24,515
With mint sauce?
Of course. Mint sauce.
864
00:50:24,813 --> 00:50:26,584
Hey, hard to talk here,
let's all go somewhere.
865
00:50:26,608 --> 00:50:28,224
No, you two go ahead.
866
00:50:28,526 --> 00:50:29,962
No, no.
I can't leave you after this.
867
00:50:29,986 --> 00:50:32,694
Hey, I've been up there
plenty of times.
868
00:50:32,989 --> 00:50:34,429
Why don't you come
to dinner with us?
869
00:50:34,658 --> 00:50:37,742
No, no, you go ahead.
I'll catch a slice of pizza.
870
00:50:38,036 --> 00:50:39,096
I'll call
you later.
871
00:50:39,120 --> 00:50:40,120
Thanks, Larry.
872
00:50:46,002 --> 00:50:48,369
Iris, how old are you?
873
00:50:48,672 --> 00:50:50,254
And you've had
six husbands?
874
00:50:50,548 --> 00:50:51,959
That's a lot,
isn't it?
875
00:50:52,259 --> 00:50:53,921
No, no,
not really.
876
00:50:54,219 --> 00:50:56,380
When you think about it,
it's just one every five years.
877
00:50:57,556 --> 00:50:59,969
...and Jerry was
an alcoholic,
878
00:51:00,268 --> 00:51:03,352
and Michael was
a compulsive gambler,
879
00:51:03,646 --> 00:51:06,480
and Fred was
a womanizer.
880
00:51:06,774 --> 00:51:08,640
It seems I've ended up
being hurt
881
00:51:08,943 --> 00:51:11,481
in every relationship
I've ever had.
882
00:51:11,779 --> 00:51:16,149
Iris, I guess no man knows for
sure what he's capable of.
883
00:51:16,450 --> 00:51:19,739
There might be circumstances in
which I might lie, or steal,
884
00:51:20,037 --> 00:51:23,371
or, who knows,
even kill.
885
00:51:23,666 --> 00:51:26,751
But there's one thing I know
in my heart I could never do.
886
00:51:27,045 --> 00:51:30,914
As long as I live,
I could never, never hurt you.
887
00:51:31,216 --> 00:51:32,627
Oh, Larry!
888
00:51:32,926 --> 00:51:34,542
Iris. Oh, gosh!
889
00:51:34,845 --> 00:51:36,461
I'm sorry.
Are you all right? Oh!
890
00:51:36,763 --> 00:51:39,380
Oh, sit down.
It's just a scalded lap.
891
00:51:39,683 --> 00:51:40,969
You sure?
I'm fine. Fine.
892
00:51:41,268 --> 00:51:43,100
Just... Fine.
893
00:51:44,354 --> 00:51:46,767
No. No, you're not.
894
00:51:47,983 --> 00:51:49,940
What are you doing?
895
00:51:50,235 --> 00:51:53,728
I want you to know that whatever
feelings of pain you might have,
896
00:51:54,031 --> 00:51:55,488
I wanna share them
with you.
897
00:52:03,499 --> 00:52:07,368
Oh, that was a very sweet
gesture. Thank you.
898
00:52:09,130 --> 00:52:10,496
You're welcome.
899
00:52:12,967 --> 00:52:16,131
Well, gosh,
it's almost 2:00.
900
00:52:16,429 --> 00:52:18,469
I guess you'd like me to take you home,
wouldn't you?
901
00:52:19,349 --> 00:52:21,887
Yes. To your home.
902
00:52:24,729 --> 00:52:25,765
Really?
903
00:52:26,522 --> 00:52:27,764
Mmm-hmm.
904
00:52:29,276 --> 00:52:32,019
Oh, Iris.
905
00:52:32,321 --> 00:52:34,278
But first, I just have to go
to the bathroom.
906
00:52:34,573 --> 00:52:36,280
Okay, I'll take
care of the check.
907
00:52:36,575 --> 00:52:37,575
I better not.
908
00:52:37,659 --> 00:52:38,775
Why not? Go ahead.
909
00:52:39,078 --> 00:52:40,472
You might not be here
when I get back.
910
00:52:40,496 --> 00:52:42,704
Of course I'd be here.
Why wouldn't I be here?
911
00:52:42,998 --> 00:52:44,785
That's how Milton left me.
912
00:52:47,378 --> 00:52:48,869
I understand.
913
00:52:52,674 --> 00:52:54,210
Are you
still there?
914
00:52:54,510 --> 00:52:56,342
I'm here,
I swear.
915
00:52:56,637 --> 00:52:59,426
You're the first person
who's ever done this for me.
916
00:52:59,724 --> 00:53:01,636
It's nothing.
Honest.
917
00:53:01,935 --> 00:53:04,643
I'm crazy about you,
Larry.
918
00:53:04,938 --> 00:53:06,600
I'm crazy about you,
too, Iris.
919
00:53:13,029 --> 00:53:14,986
We went
back to my place
920
00:53:15,281 --> 00:53:17,694
and talked for two and a half hours,
about everything.
921
00:53:17,992 --> 00:53:21,072
We found out we'd voted for exactly the
same people in the last nine elections.
922
00:53:21,287 --> 00:53:24,280
We sang camp songs
to each other.
923
00:53:24,582 --> 00:53:28,166
Then she got real romantic and said
she wanted to get in bed with me.
924
00:53:28,461 --> 00:53:31,626
I was headed for the
greatest night of my life.
925
00:53:31,924 --> 00:53:33,790
Except she wouldn't
take off her clothes.
926
00:53:34,093 --> 00:53:35,093
Iris, please.
927
00:53:35,344 --> 00:53:36,504
It's not going
to work, Larry.
928
00:53:36,720 --> 00:53:37,720
You're wrong
for me.
929
00:53:37,847 --> 00:53:38,847
Why?
930
00:53:39,098 --> 00:53:41,966
Because you're
so right for me.
931
00:53:42,268 --> 00:53:44,976
You're the most wonderful
man I've ever known.
932
00:53:46,981 --> 00:53:51,817
If I let us get close,
if I made that commitment,
933
00:53:52,111 --> 00:53:56,776
and you hurt me like the others,
I couldn't handle it.
934
00:53:57,074 --> 00:53:58,315
Well, I would never hurt you.
935
00:53:58,617 --> 00:54:00,951
I'm too terrified
to take that chance.
936
00:54:03,707 --> 00:54:06,791
I need someone
937
00:54:07,085 --> 00:54:09,327
who I don't
care a damn about.
938
00:54:09,629 --> 00:54:11,621
Someone mean
939
00:54:11,923 --> 00:54:16,133
and unfeeling and rotten.
940
00:54:16,428 --> 00:54:19,216
Well, I could be that.
Just give me a day or two to work on it.
941
00:54:20,182 --> 00:54:21,969
No, darling.
942
00:54:22,267 --> 00:54:25,305
Iris, look.
I don't want to lose you!
943
00:54:25,604 --> 00:54:27,641
I think you and I
have something special.
944
00:54:27,939 --> 00:54:29,646
I mean, sure, we have
a few problems,
945
00:54:29,941 --> 00:54:34,107
like not having sex,
but we don't have to have sex.
946
00:54:34,405 --> 00:54:36,112
There's plenty of other
things we can do.
947
00:54:36,407 --> 00:54:39,571
We can go to motels and listen
to other people have sex.
948
00:54:39,869 --> 00:54:41,906
It just wasn't meant
to be, Larry.
949
00:54:43,498 --> 00:54:46,161
But there's one thing
I want you to know.
950
00:54:46,459 --> 00:54:48,826
Even though
we didn't do it,
951
00:54:49,128 --> 00:54:51,120
you're the best
I ever had.
952
00:54:55,343 --> 00:54:56,584
The best what?
953
00:55:06,939 --> 00:55:09,977
I love you. I'll always love you,
954
00:55:10,275 --> 00:55:13,143
but I've gone away.
Goodbye, my dearest.
955
00:55:13,445 --> 00:55:16,779
At the sound of the beep,
please try and forget me.
956
00:55:30,337 --> 00:55:33,831
Quarter to 4:00.
Maybe I'll take a nap or something.
957
00:55:34,133 --> 00:55:35,624
I don't like to take naps.
958
00:55:35,927 --> 00:55:37,964
I don't like to wake up
more than once a day,
959
00:55:38,263 --> 00:55:42,132
'cause when I first wake up,
I get that shock of who I am, and everything.
960
00:55:42,433 --> 00:55:44,971
I really don't like to do
that more than once a day.
961
00:55:46,854 --> 00:55:48,015
Yeah.
962
00:55:55,238 --> 00:55:56,798
Hubbard,
I've been wanting to talk to you
963
00:55:57,073 --> 00:56:00,612
about some of the greetings
you've been working on lately.
964
00:56:00,910 --> 00:56:03,654
"Hi there, Grandpa.
Happy Birthday to you.
965
00:56:03,956 --> 00:56:05,618
"And if you live
till next year,
966
00:56:05,916 --> 00:56:08,124
"Happy Birthday
then, too."
967
00:56:08,419 --> 00:56:10,627
I've been a little
preoccupied lately.
968
00:56:10,921 --> 00:56:11,921
A little?
969
00:56:16,260 --> 00:56:19,674
"Will you be my Valentine?
Think about it a bit.
970
00:56:19,972 --> 00:56:21,588
"If you will, that's okay.
971
00:56:21,890 --> 00:56:24,257
"If not, who gives a shit?"
972
00:56:27,438 --> 00:56:30,647
Mr. Hubbard
is fired.
973
00:56:32,986 --> 00:56:34,648
One good thing
about being fired,
974
00:56:34,946 --> 00:56:36,903
it gave me time
to work on my novel.
975
00:56:37,198 --> 00:56:39,315
But that wasn't going
so great either.
976
00:56:41,911 --> 00:56:46,246
"Soon the primal fire began to
burn in Lady Hookstraten's body.
977
00:56:46,541 --> 00:56:49,375
"Her hips twitched
and trembled, as each...
978
00:56:49,669 --> 00:56:53,208
"fireball from Oliver's
powerful cannon
979
00:56:53,506 --> 00:56:55,213
"erupted like molten lava
980
00:56:55,508 --> 00:56:57,841
"into the quivering mouth
981
00:56:58,136 --> 00:57:01,971
"of her ever-fluttering
love purse."
982
00:57:10,858 --> 00:57:13,601
What do I know
about Oliver Cromwell?
983
00:57:15,363 --> 00:57:17,275
What do I know
about love?
984
00:57:19,367 --> 00:57:21,780
All I know about
is lonely,
985
00:57:22,078 --> 00:57:23,489
how to eat alone,
986
00:57:23,788 --> 00:57:25,529
how to live alone.
987
00:57:27,458 --> 00:57:29,700
That's all I know.
988
00:58:03,745 --> 00:58:05,157
Damn wind.
989
00:58:17,885 --> 00:58:19,751
My book became
an instant bestseller.
990
00:58:20,054 --> 00:58:22,341
Lonely guys came out of
the woodwork to get it.
991
00:58:22,640 --> 00:58:24,597
There were more of us
out there than I thought.
992
00:58:24,892 --> 00:58:26,884
Mr. Hubbard,
where did you get the idea
993
00:58:27,186 --> 00:58:29,018
of writing a book
about lonely guys?
994
00:58:29,313 --> 00:58:31,930
I realized that everybody's a
lonely guy at one time or another.
995
00:58:32,233 --> 00:58:34,020
You can be married,
and be a lonely guy.
996
00:58:34,318 --> 00:58:37,107
You can be quarterback of a football team,
and be a lonely guy.
997
00:58:38,449 --> 00:58:40,111
Mr. Hubbard,
I wanna thank you.
998
00:58:40,409 --> 00:58:42,321
You've given hope
to all of us.
999
00:58:42,619 --> 00:58:43,700
Thanks.
1000
00:58:45,456 --> 00:58:48,620
Hi. Could you just put,
"To Jimmy"?
1001
00:58:50,127 --> 00:58:53,620
Sure.
1002
00:58:53,922 --> 00:58:56,790
Funny how a little thing
like writing a number one bestseller
1003
00:58:57,092 --> 00:58:58,128
can change a guy's life.
1004
00:59:00,053 --> 00:59:01,840
Hey, Larry, you're hot.
1005
00:59:02,139 --> 00:59:04,539
Griffin wants you on the West
Coast as soon as he can get you.
1006
00:59:04,641 --> 00:59:06,322
And on the East Coast,
Letterman wants you.
1007
00:59:06,561 --> 00:59:09,178
And, hey, we got a call
from Playboy.
1008
00:59:09,481 --> 00:59:12,189
They want you to pose
with the Bunny of the Month.
1009
00:59:12,484 --> 00:59:14,726
She thinks you're terrific.
1010
00:59:15,028 --> 00:59:17,668
Woof! Woof! You're her favorite writer.
Oh, and, hey, what a looker.
1011
00:59:33,505 --> 00:59:35,747
"It looks like blonde
bombshell Loni Anderson
1012
00:59:36,049 --> 00:59:39,543
"has turned Larry Hubbard into
America's unloneliest lonely guy.
1013
00:59:39,845 --> 00:59:42,713
"It seems they haven't left Larry's
West Side apartment in two weeks,
1014
00:59:43,015 --> 00:59:44,381
"and whatever
they're doing there,
1015
00:59:44,683 --> 00:59:47,676
"we bet they're not
collaborating on a new book."
1016
00:59:47,978 --> 00:59:49,594
Where do they get
this trash?
1017
00:59:49,897 --> 00:59:50,897
Beats me.
1018
00:59:51,148 --> 00:59:52,148
I'm so glad we...
1019
00:59:53,692 --> 00:59:55,183
I wonder,
Anita and Shotze,
1020
00:59:55,486 --> 00:59:57,728
if the European feelings are
as strong as the Americans'?
1021
00:59:58,030 --> 01:00:00,613
Well,
speaking for myself,
1022
01:00:00,908 --> 01:00:04,151
I know that wealth, or fame,
or social position,
1023
01:00:04,453 --> 01:00:09,324
have absolutely nothing to do with
whether or not I'm attracted to a man.
1024
01:00:09,626 --> 01:00:12,960
This is true. You should see some
of the trash she goes out with.
1025
01:00:16,049 --> 01:00:19,167
You know, it's true.
I've found that I've been able to date women
1026
01:00:19,469 --> 01:00:22,309
who wouldn't have given me a second
look before my book became a success.
1027
01:00:22,556 --> 01:00:25,014
But don't you see, Larry?
Success changes a man.
1028
01:00:25,308 --> 01:00:28,267
It makes him confident,
poised, self-assured.
1029
01:00:28,562 --> 01:00:30,895
And it's these new qualities
in the man himself
1030
01:00:31,189 --> 01:00:33,101
that account for his
newfound appeal.
1031
01:00:33,400 --> 01:00:34,880
Well, I guess
that's what it is, then.
1032
01:00:37,696 --> 01:00:39,154
Aw...
1033
01:00:39,448 --> 01:00:42,737
♪ Everybody loves
my baby
1034
01:00:43,035 --> 01:00:48,781
♪ But my baby don't love
nobody but me
1035
01:00:49,083 --> 01:00:52,167
♪ Nobody but me ♪
1036
01:00:52,461 --> 01:00:54,874
Aw, gosh.
I hate to interrupt.
1037
01:00:55,172 --> 01:00:57,789
It's all been
so incredibly fascinating,
1038
01:00:58,092 --> 01:00:59,708
and entertaining,
and instructive.
1039
01:01:00,011 --> 01:01:03,004
Really, the time
has just flown by.
1040
01:01:03,306 --> 01:01:05,844
The lovely Schneider twins,
Anita and Shotze.
1041
01:01:06,142 --> 01:01:09,807
Ex-lonely guy,
Larry Hubbard.
1042
01:01:10,105 --> 01:01:13,018
And Dr. Joyce Brothers.
I can't thank you enough for being here.
1043
01:01:13,317 --> 01:01:15,274
You've made it
a very special night for me.
1044
01:01:15,569 --> 01:01:18,482
And I hope we can all get
together and do it again.
1045
01:01:18,780 --> 01:01:20,692
Thank you. Good night.
1046
01:01:48,353 --> 01:01:50,094
♪ Everybody
loves my... ♪
1047
01:01:50,396 --> 01:01:52,262
Gosh, I hate
to interrupt.
1048
01:01:52,565 --> 01:01:55,057
This has been all
so incredibly fascinating
1049
01:01:55,360 --> 01:01:57,852
and entertaining
and instructive.
1050
01:01:58,154 --> 01:01:59,895
Really, the time
has just flown by.
1051
01:02:00,198 --> 01:02:03,066
I can't thank you all
enough for being here.
1052
01:02:03,368 --> 01:02:05,610
You've made it a very
special evening for me,
1053
01:02:05,912 --> 01:02:07,473
and I hope we
can all get together...
1054
01:02:07,497 --> 01:02:10,707
Oh, that was a very sweet
gesture. Thank you.
1055
01:02:18,968 --> 01:02:21,506
I wrote it all down
on the napkin.
1056
01:02:21,804 --> 01:02:23,466
I know what
you're going through.
1057
01:02:26,141 --> 01:02:28,849
Hi. Oh, it's you!
My God, it's you!
1058
01:02:29,144 --> 01:02:31,136
I'm crazy about you,
Larry.
1059
01:02:55,338 --> 01:02:59,378
♪ You made me love you
1060
01:02:59,676 --> 01:03:01,668
♪ You woke me up to do it ♪
1061
01:03:01,970 --> 01:03:04,448
Excuse me.
...hasn't been around on the literary scene for years.
1062
01:03:04,472 --> 01:03:06,134
I've been staring at you
all night.
1063
01:03:14,567 --> 01:03:16,809
The difference between
an agent and a manager is,
1064
01:03:17,111 --> 01:03:19,068
with a manager, we have to
be this family...
1065
01:03:22,116 --> 01:03:23,402
Great party, Larry.
1066
01:03:23,701 --> 01:03:24,981
It's fun, isn't it?
It really is.
1067
01:03:25,161 --> 01:03:26,161
Yeah.
1068
01:03:29,248 --> 01:03:30,248
Oh, excuse me.
1069
01:03:37,465 --> 01:03:39,502
You look great.
Come on in.
1070
01:03:39,800 --> 01:03:42,839
No, you're busy.
I'll come back another time.
1071
01:03:43,680 --> 01:03:44,796
No.
1072
01:03:45,098 --> 01:03:47,340
No, I've...
I missed you.
1073
01:03:47,642 --> 01:03:50,009
Oh, I missed you.
1074
01:03:50,312 --> 01:03:53,180
I saw you on
The Merv Griffin Show.
1075
01:03:53,482 --> 01:03:54,689
Oh, really?
1076
01:03:56,276 --> 01:03:58,689
I tried to stay away,
but I couldn't.
1077
01:03:58,987 --> 01:04:00,649
I wanted you so much.
1078
01:04:06,161 --> 01:04:08,153
Danielle.
Larry.
1079
01:04:09,164 --> 01:04:10,164
Danielle.
1080
01:04:10,415 --> 01:04:11,701
Larry?
1081
01:04:12,000 --> 01:04:14,288
Oh, Iris, Danielle.
Danielle, Iris.
1082
01:04:15,296 --> 01:04:16,503
Larry.
1083
01:04:16,798 --> 01:04:18,005
Danielle?
1084
01:04:18,299 --> 01:04:19,631
Larry?
Iris!
1085
01:04:20,468 --> 01:04:21,584
Larry!
1086
01:04:21,886 --> 01:04:23,252
Danielle.
1087
01:04:23,554 --> 01:04:24,840
Larry!
Iris!
1088
01:04:25,139 --> 01:04:26,175
Danielle?
1089
01:04:26,474 --> 01:04:27,474
Iris.
1090
01:04:38,444 --> 01:04:40,811
The incinerator's
down the steps.
1091
01:04:42,156 --> 01:04:43,317
Iris?
1092
01:04:43,617 --> 01:04:44,778
Larry!
1093
01:04:54,086 --> 01:04:56,043
I'm so glad you
sent everyone home.
1094
01:04:56,338 --> 01:04:57,898
Do you think
it was too abrupt?
1095
01:04:57,923 --> 01:05:00,461
I didn't think you'd
remember my phone number.
1096
01:05:04,972 --> 01:05:07,555
It feels so good
next to your body.
1097
01:05:07,850 --> 01:05:10,513
Your feet are so warm.
1098
01:05:10,811 --> 01:05:12,803
Can I take
my socks off now?
1099
01:05:13,105 --> 01:05:14,938
Please.
1100
01:05:15,233 --> 01:05:17,941
Sure. I just didn't know if you
wanted to go all the way or not.
1101
01:05:33,251 --> 01:05:35,208
Oh, Iris.
1102
01:05:36,337 --> 01:05:37,453
Oh, my God, Iris.
1103
01:05:38,590 --> 01:05:40,923
I don't believe it.
1104
01:05:41,217 --> 01:05:43,137
I didn't believe something
like this was possible.
1105
01:05:43,261 --> 01:05:45,754
Oh, my God, Iris.
1106
01:05:46,056 --> 01:05:47,797
Have you started
yet, Larry?
1107
01:05:49,059 --> 01:05:50,891
Of course I've started.
1108
01:05:51,187 --> 01:05:53,540
What did you think all the "Oh,
my God, Iris," was all about?
1109
01:05:53,564 --> 01:05:54,564
I'm sorry.
1110
01:05:54,773 --> 01:05:56,105
I'm inexperienced.
1111
01:05:56,400 --> 01:05:58,120
I know that sounds crazy,
with six husbands,
1112
01:05:58,402 --> 01:06:02,362
but, you see, I've never had a...
You know what.
1113
01:06:02,656 --> 01:06:04,397
You mean an orgasm?
1114
01:06:04,700 --> 01:06:06,657
I didn't wanna
talk dirty.
1115
01:06:06,952 --> 01:06:10,116
None of them ever seemed to
care if I ever had them or not.
1116
01:06:10,414 --> 01:06:14,328
Well, I care. Look, um,
I'll let you know.
1117
01:06:14,627 --> 01:06:15,914
Whenever you have one,
1118
01:06:16,213 --> 01:06:17,875
I'll let you know
about it.
1119
01:06:18,173 --> 01:06:22,167
Oh, you are so sweet,
Larry. I appreciate that.
1120
01:06:22,469 --> 01:06:25,086
Well, after all,
I think it's the man's responsibility to...
1121
01:06:25,388 --> 01:06:26,845
Oh! There goes one!
1122
01:06:28,516 --> 01:06:29,802
You just had one.
I did?
1123
01:06:30,101 --> 01:06:31,301
Yeah, sure.
Didn't you feel it?
1124
01:06:31,478 --> 01:06:33,094
Well, in what part
of the body?
1125
01:06:33,396 --> 01:06:35,333
Well, I just can't blurt out
in what part of the body.
1126
01:06:35,357 --> 01:06:36,357
Oh.
1127
01:06:36,441 --> 01:06:37,682
There goes another one!
1128
01:06:37,984 --> 01:06:39,566
Oh, God, they're
happening so quickly.
1129
01:06:39,861 --> 01:06:41,818
Well, you have to be
ready for them.
1130
01:06:42,113 --> 01:06:44,133
Sometimes they go by when you're just
talking, or clearing your throat.
1131
01:06:44,157 --> 01:06:46,320
You are so
experienced, Larry.
1132
01:06:46,619 --> 01:06:50,033
I never realized a lonely
guy could be so experienced.
1133
01:06:50,331 --> 01:06:54,041
Well, this isn't the first time that...
There goes another one!
1134
01:06:54,335 --> 01:06:58,670
I think I felt that one.
It felt like a tiny little hiccup.
1135
01:06:58,965 --> 01:07:01,548
Uh, I think that
was a hiccup.
1136
01:07:01,842 --> 01:07:03,799
Maybe they're coming
from your side of the bed.
1137
01:07:04,095 --> 01:07:06,215
Let's change sides,
'cause I don't wanna miss any more.
1138
01:07:06,430 --> 01:07:08,171
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe.
1139
01:07:08,474 --> 01:07:09,635
Whoa!
1140
01:07:10,393 --> 01:07:11,393
What?
1141
01:07:11,644 --> 01:07:12,851
Oh, nothing.
1142
01:07:13,145 --> 01:07:14,306
I missed another one?
1143
01:07:14,605 --> 01:07:16,517
Just the biggest one
so far, that's all.
1144
01:07:16,816 --> 01:07:18,683
Oh, God!
Excuse me.
1145
01:07:18,986 --> 01:07:20,602
Oh!
1146
01:07:20,904 --> 01:07:23,066
Oh! Oh, Larry.
1147
01:07:23,365 --> 01:07:25,197
I think I felt one.
You did?
1148
01:07:25,492 --> 01:07:27,700
Uh-huh. Right when
you sneezed.
1149
01:07:27,995 --> 01:07:29,702
Oh. And gesundheit.
Thank...
1150
01:07:29,997 --> 01:07:32,364
Oh! Oh!
1151
01:07:32,666 --> 01:07:34,749
Oh, I felt it again. Twice.
You did?
1152
01:07:35,043 --> 01:07:37,251
Yes. It was wonderful.
1153
01:07:37,546 --> 01:07:39,128
Oh, gesundheit. Gesundheit.
1154
01:07:40,507 --> 01:07:41,839
Do you think you could
1155
01:07:42,718 --> 01:07:43,959
sneeze again?
1156
01:07:44,261 --> 01:07:47,630
I don't know.
I'll try. Aaah-choo!
1157
01:07:47,932 --> 01:07:49,889
Oh! Oh, yes.
1158
01:07:50,184 --> 01:07:51,641
Yes. Gesundheit.
1159
01:07:53,146 --> 01:07:56,014
Aaah-choo!
Aaah-choo!
1160
01:07:56,316 --> 01:07:59,730
Oh, I never dreamed it could be like this.
Oh, gesundheit.
1161
01:08:05,575 --> 01:08:06,575
Aaah-choo!
1162
01:08:08,036 --> 01:08:09,368
Oh, you're magnificent.
1163
01:08:09,662 --> 01:08:10,903
Oh, gesundheit.
1164
01:08:11,205 --> 01:08:12,433
Aaah-choo, aaah-choo,
aaah-choo, aaah-choo!
1165
01:08:12,457 --> 01:08:14,449
No, Larry, no more.
I mean it.
1166
01:08:14,751 --> 01:08:17,835
Stop, or I'll go mad
with pleasure.
1167
01:08:18,129 --> 01:08:20,588
Oh, thank you,
thank you.
1168
01:08:20,883 --> 01:08:23,341
Oh, Iris,
I love you.
1169
01:08:23,635 --> 01:08:25,376
I love you too, Larry.
1170
01:08:37,191 --> 01:08:38,978
Why are you crying?
1171
01:08:39,276 --> 01:08:42,485
Because it's so hopeless.
1172
01:08:44,281 --> 01:08:46,648
But everything
was so good.
1173
01:08:46,950 --> 01:08:50,740
Exactly. See,
I was afraid of getting involved with you
1174
01:08:51,039 --> 01:08:53,702
because I couldn't face the
possibility of losing you.
1175
01:08:54,000 --> 01:08:56,492
So, how do you think I feel
now that I found out
1176
01:08:56,795 --> 01:08:59,538
you're not only
a great guy, but that
1177
01:08:59,839 --> 01:09:02,297
you're the best goddamn
lover in the world?
1178
01:09:03,218 --> 01:09:04,254
I'm going.
1179
01:09:04,552 --> 01:09:06,714
Iris, look.
You're just upset.
1180
01:09:07,013 --> 01:09:09,093
Let me take you home.
You'll get a good night's sleep,
1181
01:09:09,182 --> 01:09:10,659
and we'll talk about it
in the morning, okay?
1182
01:09:10,683 --> 01:09:12,390
No, Larry,
I'll get a cab.
1183
01:09:12,685 --> 01:09:15,143
And there's no point in
calling me in the morning.
1184
01:09:15,438 --> 01:09:16,599
I won't be there.
1185
01:09:36,460 --> 01:09:40,204
Well, that did it.
I knew I had to get out of town for a while.
1186
01:09:40,506 --> 01:09:42,998
So, I booked myself
on one of those cruises.
1187
01:09:43,300 --> 01:09:46,919
I figured it might give me a chance
to get away from everyone I knew.
1188
01:09:47,221 --> 01:09:49,634
Of course, in the first three hours,
I met my accountant,
1189
01:09:49,932 --> 01:09:53,552
my plumber, my postman,
even Jack was there.
1190
01:09:53,854 --> 01:09:55,971
He'd just broken up
with Verna and Frieda,
1191
01:09:56,273 --> 01:10:00,017
and I guess he was looking for more
girls to add to his collection.
1192
01:10:00,318 --> 01:10:04,858
He waved me over, but I just wasn't
interested in meeting other women.
1193
01:10:05,157 --> 01:10:07,490
I just couldn't get
my mind off Iris.
1194
01:10:10,370 --> 01:10:14,489
Excuse me, sir.
Are you Mr. Larry Hubbard?
1195
01:10:14,791 --> 01:10:15,872
Yes, I am.
1196
01:10:19,629 --> 01:10:23,715
Uh, this dog, it came aboard just before
we sailed. Your name was on his collar.
1197
01:10:24,010 --> 01:10:27,629
Hey, good boy!
What a good dog!
1198
01:10:27,930 --> 01:10:29,967
And this note
is for you, sir.
1199
01:10:31,642 --> 01:10:33,008
It's from a young lady.
1200
01:10:33,936 --> 01:10:35,177
Thank you.
1201
01:10:37,565 --> 01:10:40,433
Dear Larry, just heard
we're on the same ship.
1202
01:10:40,735 --> 01:10:42,852
I'll be at the Masquerade Ball
tomorrow night.
1203
01:10:43,154 --> 01:10:45,362
I hope we'll run
into each other.
1204
01:10:45,656 --> 01:10:48,069
I think we should talk.
Iris.
1205
01:10:49,118 --> 01:10:50,700
Iris.
1206
01:10:50,995 --> 01:10:52,112
She's here.
1207
01:10:54,082 --> 01:10:55,082
Yahoo!
1208
01:10:59,588 --> 01:11:01,250
Oh, sorry, fella!
1209
01:12:05,614 --> 01:12:06,614
Hello, Iris.
1210
01:12:06,865 --> 01:12:07,865
Hello, Larry.
1211
01:12:09,743 --> 01:12:10,904
Terrific costume.
1212
01:12:13,080 --> 01:12:16,664
Larry, I want to apologize
for the way I behaved.
1213
01:12:16,959 --> 01:12:18,700
I was wrong.
1214
01:12:19,003 --> 01:12:22,417
You don't have to apologize
as long as we're together.
1215
01:12:22,715 --> 01:12:27,211
Oh, no, Larry.
I was wrong to let it go as far as it did.
1216
01:12:27,512 --> 01:12:30,220
I knew from the beginning
it would never work.
1217
01:12:30,515 --> 01:12:32,222
I love you too much.
1218
01:12:34,811 --> 01:12:39,272
Iris, do you think you're the only
one who's afraid of falling in love?
1219
01:12:39,566 --> 01:12:41,752
Do you think you're the only
one who's afraid of being hurt?
1220
01:12:41,776 --> 01:12:43,142
Do you think I'm not?
1221
01:12:43,445 --> 01:12:46,028
I'm terrified.
But you've got to be willing
1222
01:12:46,323 --> 01:12:49,487
to feel a little pain,
or you'll never feel any joy.
1223
01:12:49,784 --> 01:12:51,992
Hi, Larry.
Hi, Jack.
1224
01:12:52,287 --> 01:12:54,140
I mean, you kept coming back to me, for the
joy, not because you were feeling pain.
1225
01:12:54,164 --> 01:12:56,703
Hey, hey, aren't you gonna introduce me?
Jack, Iris.
1226
01:12:57,001 --> 01:12:59,081
Hi. I'm not saying I'll be
the only guy for you, ever.
1227
01:12:59,211 --> 01:13:01,356
You might meet somebody in five
years that you like better.
1228
01:13:01,380 --> 01:13:03,220
Kind of looks like we were
meant for each other.
1229
01:13:08,846 --> 01:13:10,303
Oh, my.
1230
01:13:10,598 --> 01:13:12,885
Hey, hey,
don't the girls look terrific tonight, Jack?
1231
01:13:13,184 --> 01:13:16,427
The seven deadly sins! Whoa!
What a clever idea!
1232
01:13:16,729 --> 01:13:17,729
Girls? What girls?
1233
01:13:18,022 --> 01:13:19,558
The girls!
Your girls, Jack.
1234
01:13:19,857 --> 01:13:22,349
Inga, Helga, Olga,
Minga, Fritzy...
1235
01:13:22,652 --> 01:13:24,564
I guess my eyesight
is failing,
1236
01:13:24,862 --> 01:13:28,027
'cause as far as I can see,
there's only one woman in this whole room.
1237
01:13:32,037 --> 01:13:33,198
Shall we?
1238
01:13:46,009 --> 01:13:49,502
♪ I'm in the mood for love
1239
01:13:51,556 --> 01:13:55,470
♪ Simply because
you're near me
1240
01:13:57,772 --> 01:14:01,356
♪ Funny but when
you're near me
1241
01:14:03,444 --> 01:14:06,528
♪ I'm in the mood
for love ♪
1242
01:14:22,964 --> 01:14:24,500
How you doing, guy?
1243
01:14:25,591 --> 01:14:26,592
Thirsty?
1244
01:14:28,220 --> 01:14:29,506
There you go.
1245
01:14:29,805 --> 01:14:32,923
The guy's 46.
Dropped dead.
1246
01:14:33,225 --> 01:14:36,184
Heart attack?
Natural causes.
1247
01:14:36,478 --> 01:14:38,140
You know, I think I'm
getting that.
1248
01:14:38,439 --> 01:14:40,556
Here you go. That's a good guy.
That's a good guy.
1249
01:14:40,858 --> 01:14:42,065
What did you
have for lunch?
1250
01:14:42,359 --> 01:14:43,359
Tuna.
1251
01:14:43,485 --> 01:14:44,485
Toast?
Yeah.
1252
01:14:44,570 --> 01:14:45,570
White?
Rye.
1253
01:14:45,696 --> 01:14:46,732
Good?
Yeah.
1254
01:14:47,030 --> 01:14:48,396
Sounds good.
Yeah, it was.
1255
01:14:48,699 --> 01:14:49,735
There you go.
1256
01:14:50,033 --> 01:14:52,741
Here's a guy, 33.
Brick fell on his head.
1257
01:14:53,036 --> 01:14:56,029
Hey, I want you to see
this new cassette I got.
1258
01:14:58,126 --> 01:14:59,537
I can't stay
much longer.
1259
01:14:59,836 --> 01:15:00,836
Just watch this.
1260
01:15:01,087 --> 01:15:03,170
Oh, nice. Very nice.
1261
01:15:07,927 --> 01:15:09,543
We don't have to watch
the whole thing.
1262
01:15:09,846 --> 01:15:10,846
Does something happen?
1263
01:15:11,014 --> 01:15:12,300
No.
1264
01:15:15,685 --> 01:15:18,769
Whoa!
Jack is marrying Iris!
1265
01:15:19,063 --> 01:15:21,430
Yeah, I know.
1266
01:15:21,733 --> 01:15:24,350
Hard to imagine any woman
falling in love with Jack.
1267
01:15:24,652 --> 01:15:26,188
She doesn't love Jack,
she loves me.
1268
01:15:26,488 --> 01:15:28,230
That's why
she's marrying him.
1269
01:15:29,283 --> 01:15:30,444
Uh-huh.
1270
01:15:31,827 --> 01:15:34,035
Well, whatever.
1271
01:15:38,125 --> 01:15:41,334
I better get going.
I'm defrosting my refrigerator.
1272
01:15:41,629 --> 01:15:44,417
That water's gonna get
all over the floor.
1273
01:15:44,715 --> 01:15:46,355
I'll watch that fish
staring another time.
1274
01:15:46,592 --> 01:15:47,924
Okay.
1275
01:15:48,219 --> 01:15:49,821
Give you a call later,
maybe we'll do something.
1276
01:15:49,845 --> 01:15:52,007
I'm kind of tired.
I think I'll stay in tonight.
1277
01:15:52,306 --> 01:15:53,888
Yeah, me, too.
1278
01:15:54,183 --> 01:15:56,049
Yeah.
Well, take care.
1279
01:15:56,352 --> 01:15:58,218
Okay. I'll see you.
Yeah.
1280
01:15:58,522 --> 01:15:59,522
So long.
So long.
1281
01:16:20,752 --> 01:16:25,417
Back. Side. And front.
And other side. And three.
1282
01:16:27,759 --> 01:16:29,501
...nautical science.
1283
01:16:29,804 --> 01:16:31,466
Makes a balloon go up.
1284
01:16:37,854 --> 01:16:39,686
Right this way, officer.
1285
01:16:45,069 --> 01:16:47,561
When did you find him?
This morning.
1286
01:16:47,864 --> 01:16:49,105
Wife?
No.
1287
01:16:49,407 --> 01:16:50,407
Kids?
1288
01:16:50,575 --> 01:16:51,611
No.
1289
01:16:51,909 --> 01:16:53,650
Close friends?
No.
1290
01:16:53,953 --> 01:16:55,347
No friends,
no wife, no children.
1291
01:16:55,371 --> 01:16:56,891
Just ferns, dog,
cardboard cutouts, TV.
1292
01:16:57,164 --> 01:16:58,851
Well-behaved, quiet,
no parties, perfect tenant.
1293
01:16:58,875 --> 01:17:00,636
Been dead for five days,
nobody even noticed.
1294
01:17:01,128 --> 01:17:03,120
I'll take care of it.
1295
01:17:03,422 --> 01:17:05,960
Wish I had more
tenants like him.
1296
01:17:12,014 --> 01:17:13,676
Oh, heavy.
1297
01:17:13,974 --> 01:17:16,261
I don't believe what people
are throwing away today.
1298
01:17:16,560 --> 01:17:17,560
I hear ya.
1299
01:17:41,586 --> 01:17:42,702
No!
1300
01:17:46,132 --> 01:17:47,132
No!
1301
01:17:48,217 --> 01:17:49,298
No!
1302
01:17:49,594 --> 01:17:50,835
No!
1303
01:18:01,899 --> 01:18:04,391
First Lutheran Church in Queens.
As soon as possible.
1304
01:18:04,693 --> 01:18:05,809
All right.
1305
01:18:12,409 --> 01:18:13,820
What's the matter?
1306
01:18:14,119 --> 01:18:15,999
Hey, first time ever.
A traffic jam in New York.
1307
01:18:22,044 --> 01:18:23,044
God!
1308
01:18:29,468 --> 01:18:30,629
Thanks.
1309
01:18:37,727 --> 01:18:39,263
Oh, hey,
watch out!
1310
01:18:49,948 --> 01:18:51,689
Hey! What's
he doing?
1311
01:19:24,650 --> 01:19:26,107
How long is it
between trains?
1312
01:19:26,402 --> 01:19:27,402
About 15 minutes.
1313
01:19:27,695 --> 01:19:28,936
Oh! That's too long!
1314
01:19:29,238 --> 01:19:30,274
Write a letter.
1315
01:19:46,131 --> 01:19:47,731
Hey, get the hell
out of the way!
1316
01:19:50,802 --> 01:19:52,384
All right. Pull over, mac!
Pull over.
1317
01:19:56,349 --> 01:19:57,618
Hey, you ran a traffic light back there,
mister. Now pull over!
1318
01:19:57,642 --> 01:19:59,634
Look, I got...
Pull over!
1319
01:19:59,936 --> 01:20:02,290
Look, Officer, if I don't get to 31st
Street in four and a half minutes,
1320
01:20:02,314 --> 01:20:04,475
the only girl I ever loved is
gonna marry somebody else.
1321
01:20:04,525 --> 01:20:07,814
I was in love once.
But you're gonna need an escort. Follow me!
1322
01:20:21,501 --> 01:20:23,083
Come on, mac.
Come on!
1323
01:20:28,508 --> 01:20:30,591
Stay close, now.
Everything is gonna be all right.
1324
01:20:30,885 --> 01:20:31,885
Stay close.
1325
01:20:34,138 --> 01:20:37,723
All right.
It's gonna be right over here.
1326
01:20:38,018 --> 01:20:39,018
Right there!
Right there!
1327
01:20:39,228 --> 01:20:40,348
Thank you, Officer.
1328
01:20:40,395 --> 01:20:41,395
Good luck.
1329
01:20:47,194 --> 01:20:49,732
...to be your
lawfully wedded husband,
1330
01:20:50,030 --> 01:20:52,397
to love, honor
and cherish
1331
01:20:52,699 --> 01:20:53,860
in sickness
and in health,
1332
01:20:54,159 --> 01:20:55,570
as long as
you both shall live?
1333
01:20:55,869 --> 01:20:57,326
No, wait, don't do this!
1334
01:20:57,621 --> 01:20:59,613
I know you think this is
the easy way out,
1335
01:20:59,915 --> 01:21:02,157
the safe thing to do.
1336
01:21:02,459 --> 01:21:04,371
But didn't you just hear
those words?
1337
01:21:04,670 --> 01:21:07,084
To love, honor and cherish.
1338
01:21:07,382 --> 01:21:11,752
You don't love this man!
You don't honor him! You don't cherish him!
1339
01:21:12,053 --> 01:21:15,262
You know in your heart,
you know you were meant for something better.
1340
01:21:15,557 --> 01:21:18,971
Listen to your heart.
This man is not for you.
1341
01:21:19,269 --> 01:21:21,226
Don't go through with this!
1342
01:21:24,357 --> 01:21:25,357
He's right!
1343
01:21:25,608 --> 01:21:26,644
What? Allison...
1344
01:21:26,943 --> 01:21:28,275
Who is that guy?
1345
01:21:28,570 --> 01:21:30,214
Is this the First Lutheran?
No, Third Methodist.
1346
01:21:30,238 --> 01:21:31,238
God!
1347
01:21:48,632 --> 01:21:49,632
God!
1348
01:22:29,174 --> 01:22:31,211
Isn't it romantic?
1349
01:22:31,509 --> 01:22:33,876
Having our honeymoon on the
same ship where we met?
1350
01:22:35,263 --> 01:22:36,595
What?
1351
01:22:36,890 --> 01:22:37,891
I said,
1352
01:22:38,100 --> 01:22:40,092
♪ Isn't it romantic
1353
01:22:40,394 --> 01:22:41,601
♪ Merely to be young
1354
01:22:41,896 --> 01:22:43,432
♪ On such a night as this
1355
01:22:44,649 --> 01:22:46,982
♪ Isn't it romantic
1356
01:22:47,276 --> 01:22:52,146
♪ Every note that's sung
is like a lover's kiss ♪
1357
01:22:52,448 --> 01:22:55,816
I'm going to wash,
my dear.
1358
01:22:56,118 --> 01:22:59,327
And I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable.
1359
01:22:59,622 --> 01:23:01,955
Why don't you slip into
something more comfortable, too?
1360
01:23:03,042 --> 01:23:04,283
Like the sheets.
1361
01:23:12,261 --> 01:23:13,377
Oh, geez.
1362
01:23:14,805 --> 01:23:17,548
Could you sneeze again?
1363
01:23:24,982 --> 01:23:28,851
Uh, what's your name? Where do you live?
Could I call you sometime?
1364
01:23:33,782 --> 01:23:35,944
I want you to know,
1365
01:23:36,243 --> 01:23:39,244
that whatever feelings of pain you might
have, I want to share them with you.
1366
01:23:44,961 --> 01:23:47,161
You think you're the only one
who's afraid of being hurt?
1367
01:23:47,380 --> 01:23:48,461
You think I'm not?
1368
01:23:48,756 --> 01:23:50,793
I'm terrified.
1369
01:23:51,092 --> 01:23:53,052
But you've gotta be willing
to feel a little pain,
1370
01:23:53,219 --> 01:23:55,051
or you'll never
feel any joy.
1371
01:24:32,968 --> 01:24:33,968
Larry.
1372
01:24:36,847 --> 01:24:37,883
Hi, Warren.
1373
01:24:39,516 --> 01:24:41,008
Aw, Larry.
1374
01:24:44,606 --> 01:24:46,438
Help!
1375
01:24:49,319 --> 01:24:51,026
It changes, Larry.
1376
01:24:51,321 --> 01:24:53,549
It's not always gonna be like this.
It really does change.
1377
01:24:53,573 --> 01:24:56,441
It may not feel like it,
but things change.
1378
01:24:56,743 --> 01:25:00,202
Sure. What about you,
Warren?
1379
01:25:00,497 --> 01:25:02,784
Has it changed for you?
Yes.
1380
01:25:03,083 --> 01:25:04,199
It has?
Yes.
1381
01:25:05,210 --> 01:25:06,210
How?
1382
01:25:08,213 --> 01:25:09,454
I've met someone.
1383
01:25:09,756 --> 01:25:11,248
You have?
1384
01:25:11,550 --> 01:25:12,757
We're very happy.
1385
01:25:13,052 --> 01:25:15,169
Aw, that's really great,
Warren.
1386
01:25:19,183 --> 01:25:23,018
Oh, God, why can't I
be happy like Warren?
1387
01:25:24,522 --> 01:25:28,436
Oh, Iris.
We were so close!
1388
01:25:28,734 --> 01:25:31,397
I could have made
you happy, I know it.
1389
01:25:31,695 --> 01:25:34,062
If only fate could have
played a helping hand.
1390
01:25:36,575 --> 01:25:39,318
Iris!
Larry, what luck!
1391
01:25:40,413 --> 01:25:41,950
Why were you jumping?
1392
01:25:42,249 --> 01:25:44,662
I was unhappy from the moment I said,
"I do."
1393
01:25:44,960 --> 01:25:46,917
Oh, Larry, I love you.
1394
01:25:47,212 --> 01:25:50,080
I finally realized
I can't live without you.
1395
01:25:50,382 --> 01:25:52,339
Oh, Iris,
I love you so much.
1396
01:25:56,388 --> 01:25:58,630
Oh, my God.
That was a blast.
1397
01:26:00,642 --> 01:26:02,508
Oh. Hi, Warren.
Hi.
1398
01:26:06,440 --> 01:26:08,200
It's really
a great night, isn't it?
1399
01:26:08,316 --> 01:26:09,961
I just wanna
go home and be sneezed at.
1400
01:26:09,985 --> 01:26:10,985
Hey, Iris...
1401
01:26:11,194 --> 01:26:12,275
Warren said
he met somebody.
1402
01:26:12,447 --> 01:26:14,564
Really, that's great,
Warren.
1403
01:26:14,866 --> 01:26:15,866
Who is she?
1404
01:26:16,159 --> 01:26:17,445
Well, I told her
to meet me here.
1405
01:26:17,743 --> 01:26:19,450
Warren!
1406
01:26:19,745 --> 01:26:22,237
Oh, here she is now.
Over here, honey.
1407
01:26:26,711 --> 01:26:27,827
Hi, Warren.
1408
01:26:28,129 --> 01:26:29,336
Hi, honey.
1409
01:26:29,630 --> 01:26:31,542
You see, sometimes,
when two people meet,
1410
01:26:31,841 --> 01:26:33,252
it's really
the human will,
1411
01:26:33,551 --> 01:26:36,669
quietly, subconsciously
engineering its own destiny.
1412
01:26:38,639 --> 01:26:39,925
She's great,
isn't she?
1413
01:26:41,142 --> 01:26:43,055
Hey, look at
the four of us.
1414
01:26:43,353 --> 01:26:45,165
You know, I just can't think of
a more perfect ending than this.
1415
01:26:45,189 --> 01:26:46,189
I can't either.
1416
01:26:49,151 --> 01:26:51,985
Hey, look at this guy!
Come here!
1417
01:26:52,279 --> 01:26:53,279
Look at him.
1418
01:26:57,576 --> 01:26:59,238
Come on. Come on.
There we go!
105447
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