All language subtitles for Bamboozled (2000)

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

♪ In 1492
You came upon these shores ♪

♪ Seven hundred years
Educated by the Moors ♪

♪ 17th century, genocide and the gun ♪

♪ Middle Passage blessed
To market the Africans ♪

♪ In the so-called "Land of God" ♪

♪ My kind were treated... ♪

Satire, 1-A.

A literary work in which human vice or
folly is ridiculed or attacked scornfully.

B. The branch of literature
that composes such work.

2. Irony, derision or caustic wit

used to attack or expose
folly, vice or stupidity.

Bonjour. My name is Pierre Delacroix.

I am a television writer.
A creative person.

I'm one of those people responsible
for what you view on your idiot box.

The problem is...

not enough of you have been
watching out there, Television Land.

With the onslaught of the internet,
video and interactive games,

900 channels to choose from...

our valued audience
has dramatically eroded.

To put it in much simpler terms,

like rats fleeing from a sinking ship,

people are tuning out by the millions.

Which, needless to say,
is bad for business.

♪...misrepresented people ♪

♪ Yes, we have been
A misrepresented people ♪

Let's get it.

Let's get it!
You don't dance, we don't eat.

You slow, we blow. You snooze, we lose.
Come on, get up.

Seriously, son, get up.

♪...our destiny
To never be a misrepresented people ♪

♪ No, you must never be
A misrepresented people ♪

He went to Juilliard,
School of the Arts.

I gave him his first break. My partner.

Don't hurt 'em. Don't hurt 'em.

Let me shine 'em up.

Wind it up, baby. Wind it up.

What?

Now, before you go,
don't forget to give us that cheese.

That M-O-N-E. Y?
Because we broke. What's up?

Thank you very much. Bless you.
Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Great. There you go.

Bless you from the bottom
of your heart, baby.

Big Dela!

Hey!

It's the Dela man!

There you go with the suits again.
I like that. I like that.

Good morning, Womack.

What's happening, man?
Looks like you're going to the Essence.

- I like the suit, though.
- Yes.

- It's pretty nice.
- Thank you.

Hey, man, why don't you help me
and Manray out, man?

I mean, we're out here
trying to get some work.

You work for the network.
I mean, what's up?

Um, I'll — I'll work on something.

You know, Sloan says you're too talented
to be out here dancing in the street.

Oh, word? Why don't you tell Sloan
to come see me?

I'll do that.

Good day, gentlemen.

"I'll do that." What is he,
a damn magician?

Help us out, you work for one
of the biggest networks in the country.

I saw somebody put a ten up in here.
Check it.

Whoo. Here we go.
One for you, three for me.

You the feet, I'm the brains.
Told you, boy.

Yeah, baby.

You have a grand day.

Good morning, Steve.

Hello, Margaret.

Bartholomew.

Kip!

Hey, Jarma.

...18 to 49-year-old audience.

Do you understand? It's pretty —

Monsieur Delacroix.

- Hello.
- Good morning.

This very important staff meeting
commenced exactly...

32 minutes ago.

My apologies around the room
for my tardi —

Do you have any idea how much information
can be dispensed in one minute alone?

Sir, had I been informed
of this very important staff meeting,

I would have canceled
my Pilates session this morning.

However, I did not find out about it —

So you're telling me
that everyone in the room

knew about this little get-together
except for you.

Marie said that —

People, you can attempt
to pull a Rodman

like our friend Delacroix,

but I guarantee you'll be sent packing,
just like him.

These are the ratings, people.
Read 'em and weep.

As you can plainly see,

the Continental Network System
is languishing.

Look at 'em, people.
Look at 'em very closely.

We are booty.

Caca.

We are doo-doo.

I don't like to be the laughingstock
of the entire broadcast industry.

I don't like to have these pricks
who call themselves my bosses

breathing down my back.

It makes me sweat.

These numbers are totally unacceptable.
These numbers have to go up.

Question?

So what do you want us to do?

Dumb-ass question.

What — what I want you to do
is to write some material that is funny.

The material that you've been writing
is about as funny as a dead baby.

It's not dope.
It's not new. It's not sexy.

- It —
- It sucks.

Thank you, Fish. It sucks.

Look, this meeting is over.

But I want you to think
about what I just said

and how you can deliver.

Otherwise, I promise you,

things are gonna start getting very grim
around here.

Monsieur Delacroix.

Can I see you in my office now, please?

- Yes.
- Psst.

Seeing that you're
all stretched out and shit.

Sloan, why didn't I know
about this very important staff meeting?

Nobody sent me an e-mail,
I didn't have a memo, I-I —

What good are you
if I don't know about these things?

Well, it — it wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault.

I was embarrassed.

- I —
- Hey, Chuckie.

Hey. Um...

- But if I don't know, how —
- Humiliated.

But if I don't know,
how are you gonna know?

You know what? It's unacceptable.
And it better never happen again.

Do you know what CP Time is?

CP Time.

CP Time is Colored People's Time.

The stereotypical belief
that Negroes are always late,

that Negroes have no sense of time.

Time, except when it comes
to music or dance,

then you can set your watch to them.

I'm sorry about my blowup.

- Hey, it's okay. I understand.
- Listen, let's sit down.

Look, I know you're the most
creative person I've got on staff.

I mean, you're hip,
you know what's happening.

I've got a bunch of pasty-ass white boys
and girls writing for me.

You know what I mean?

You know, I grew up around black people
my whole life.

I mean, if the truth be told,
I probably know niggers better than you.

And don't go getting offended
by my use of the "N-word."

I have a black wife and two biracial kids,
so I feel I have a right.

I don't give a goddamn
what that prick Spike Lee says.

Tarantino was right.
Nigger is just a word.

If old dirty bastard can use it
every other word, why can't I?

Well, I would prefer if you did not use
that word in my presence.

Oh, really?

Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger.

Whitey, whitey, whitey, whitey!

The material you've been writing for me,
it's too white-bread.

It's white people with black faces.

The Huxtables, Cosby,
a genius, revolutionary.

Theo, Lisa Bonet, dope.

- But we can't go down that road again.
- I disagree.

The Negro middle class does exist,

and it's fertile ground
for a dramatic series or even a sitcom.

Look at this stuff I'm having to read.

A...

A black family moves in
to a white middle-class suburban enclave.

This is shit.

A black girl is adopted
by some chink American family?

- They were Polynesian.
- Yeah.

A black headmaster is hired at some
old-money, crusty Eastern boarding school.

Garbage. It's too clean,
it's too antiseptic,

- it's too —
- White.

Delacroix, wake up, brother man.

The reason why these shows
didn't get picked up

is because nobody,
and I mean no-motherfuckin'-body,

niggers and crackers alike,
wants to see that junk.

People want to be entertained.

The reason why it didn't get picked up
is because no one gave it a chance.

Oh, really? No one gave them a chance?

You — you got your head
stuck so far up your ass

with your Harvard education
and your bullshit pretentious buppie ways.

Brother man, I'm blacker than you.

I'm keeping it real.
I'm 'bout it, 'bout it. I got the roll.

You're just frontin' tryin' to be white.

- I'm an Oreo.
- Yeah!

- A sellout.
- Yeah!

'Cause I don't aspire to do
some Homeboys from Outer Space,

The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer,

- or, as you may put it, some nigger show?
- That's —

- Is that what you think?
- Yes. That's exactly what I think.

You and I know that black people
set the trends, set the styles.

This is a golden opportunity for CNS,

but these idiots
have to be led to the water.

We could do this together.

I want a show that will make headlines.

I want millions and millions of viewers

tuned and glued
to their fucking televisions every week

saying, "Did you see what the fuck
they were doing on CNS last night?"

I want advertisers sucking my dick
to buy on this show. You understand?

And I'm gonna squeeze it out of you
if it kills you.

Peep this. Peep this.
I'll give you a thousand dollars

if you can name
who the fuck number 24 is, right there.

- Hmm.
- Huh.

- You think I don't know?
- Yeah, who is it?

That would be...

- Uh...
- Yeah. Who is it?

Well, I'll tell you like this.
One day, soon, man,

we're trying to live in a phat crib,
bills paid for,

get a ride, throw some rims on there,
a system.

Throw some platinum on the body,
you know what I'm saying?

Shiny.

- Ready to get some jewelry already, huh?
- Yeah, man.

It's the first thing we do, son.

We get jewelry, we get some Hillnigger,
and we get a ride.

Throw some rims up there.

You gotta have some patience, man.

I'm the brain of this outfit.
I am the brain.

And I'm the feet.

Manny, I can't just snap my fingers

and presto chango,
you're an overnight sensation.

Son, it don't work like that.

Fuck you think I am, Houdini out here?

I'm just tired of waiting, man.

Feed...

the...

idiot box.

Feed the idiot box.

Idiot, feed the idiot box.

Hi. We're backstage
at the Trevor Berbick Theater.

This is where we tape The Chris Rock Show.

Ah, my first writing staff.

You know, they really wanted
to get to know the black experience.

So I fired 'em.

I was never good
at performing under the gun.

Well, this wasn't a gun.

It was a bazooka, and it was pressed
point-blank against my temple.

Anytime Pierre's in a jam,
I get the call.

I could always count
on my lamb, Sloan Hopkins.

Yo. Yo, yo, yo.

All right, come on.
Come on, come on, come on!

Come on!

Please evacuate.

All of you are illegal residents
in this condemned building.

Leave immediately by order of the mayor
of New York City, Rudolph Giuliani.

- Eureka!
- Oh, my God.

- Eureka!
- Oh, my God.

Please evacuate.

All of you are illegal residents
of this condemned building.

Please leave immediately by order of the
mayor of New York City, Rudolph Giuliani.

Manray!

I can't believe that Manray
was under our noses the entire time.

I know. Do you know how you'll use him?

Dunwitty wants a coon show.
So that's what I intend to give him.

The show will be so negative,
so offensive and racist,

hence, I will prove my point.

Which is what?

The point being that him, the network,

does not want to see Negroes on television
unless they are buffoons.

Well, they definitely do not want
to see dignified black people.

No sirree.

They proved that by canceling your show
Brown Nose Jones, which was brilliant!

Yes. Yes.

After 13 episodes, they canceled it.

They put it against Seinfeld.
It didn't have a chance!

I don't know, Pierre. I really don't.
It still sounds very risky.

You're not getting cold feet on me,
are you?

No. I'm down with you.

Good, because I'm gonna need
your undying support, lamb.

Have you ever thought about just quitting?

Quitters quit.

Besides, I'd get sued. I have a contract.

The only way I get out of that
is if I get fired.

And that is what I intend to do.

What? You've seen my place
down at the Clocktower.

I've got a mortgage.

All right, well, I've got some work to do.

- So... I will see you later.
- Okay.

And you have a conference call.
Don't forget.

Two o'clock, yes. Yes.

Look, I know what I'm doing.
Follow me.

Hey. Good morning, fellas.

- We're looking for a Mr. Dela... point.
- No one here by that name.

Delapot, Delapoint, Dela-something.

And De La Soul is not here, either.

- Step outside.
- Come on, man. Delacox?

Off premises!

You know what I'm saying?
You know this guy.

I'm saying we asking you a question, man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Please. Hi. Hi, guys. Hi, hi.

Listen. Um, these are associates
of Mr. Delacroix.

- Uh — S-So you know them?
- Yes, I do. I know them very well.

- You need an escort?
- Oh, no, no, no. I got it. Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Sorry, Ms. Hopkins.

- We thought they were from the street.
- No, you were just doing your job!

Don't you worry about a thing. Thank you!

Guys, get in there. Come on. Inside.

Hello, hello. Uh, wait a minute.

Amos wants to talk too.

All right.

Goodbye, sweet dumplin'.

The boy with the egg-shaped head.

The boy with the egg-shaped head.
I mean, uh, wait...

Uh, hello, honey.

- Enter.
- Pierre.

Look who I found.

Eureka! I am so happy to see you cats.

- What's up, dawg?
- Hey, what's up?

You'd take no offense
if we call you Dela for short, would you?

Oh, none taken at all, my friend.

I have a concept for a television pilot.

Now, there's no guarantee
that this thing will ever get made,

but it is an opportunity
for you two gentlemen to make some cash.

- How much?
- First things first, my friend.

I need to know
that we are in sync creatively

and that Manray is up for this.

Sure. I mean, what I gotta do?

You simply do...

what it is you do.

And what you do best.

- Cool. Where do I sign?
- Oh, wait a — "Where do I sign?"

What kind of show is this anyway?

- Different.
- How different?

Impactful. Um, cutting-edge.

And, of course, it will incorporate
both of your very unique talents.

Yes. Yes,
and it's a hell of a lot better

than tap-dancing in the street
for pennies. Trust us.

I still have to pitch this
to my superiors...

but either way,
we should know something soon.

It sounds good to me.

As long as I get to hoof,
or we're getting some loot...

- Aye.
- Good, yo.

Because we're trying
to get some income coming in.

Yes.
Money makes the wheels turn, my friend.

What about the meantime,
in-between time, I mean —

You know, like —

You're talking an advance.

That's done.

Okay.

Now, there is one other slight thing.

I would like for you to change your name,
if you don't mind.

- Change my name to what?
- Yes.

To what?

Mantan.

All right.

Mantan. It's cool, man.
Look, like I told you,

long as I'm hoofin'
and gettin' some loot, I'm good, man.

But one thing, can I get some new kicks?

And, uh, some new tap shoes?

Yes, you could use those.

Sloan, some new shoes.

Okay, new shoes.

Let me get the whole
Hillnigger hookup, huh?

Some jeans, Hillnigger jeans?

- Uh-huh. Definitely, most def.
- Okay.

- All right?
- Most def.

- Um, some sweaters.
- Sweaters...

Definitely some sweaters,
nothing fancy.

You know, like, some cashmere,
some wool, something like that.

- Cashmere, wool.
- Some underwear.

- Underwear.
- Toothpaste. Toothbrush.

Deodorant.

We have deodorant.

We might be able to use some more, though.

Okay. I think I have...
this under control.

Yes. Okay.

No, no, no, no. I understand completely.

Yes. Okay, thank you. Bye-bye.

Never had a real — real pair before.

Really? Wow. You never had
any formal training either, have you?

Mmm. Not really. I mean, I picked up
some steps from, like, older cats.

- Slyde, Chaney.
- Right.

But, you know, most of the stuff, yeah.

What's up with you and Dela?

You mean, what's up with me and Pierre?

I mean, you know, y'all... together?
Y'all... knocking boots? I mean —

- Knocking boots? I don't think so.
- Nah? Never?

Never! Like I said,
I was at NYU, I got an internship,

Pierre was very impressed
with my get-up-and-go,

so he kept me as his assistant.

Oh, okay. I'm sure that was the only thing
he was impressed with.

- Yes.
- The get-up-and-go.

- Yes.
- Yes.

- You look beautiful like that.
- Thank you.

Little sister.

- What are you doing here?
- I need bail money.

- Again?
- Again.

What's going on? How you feeling?

I'm doing good.

Good to see you, little sister.

Working hard
for the man on the plantation.

All right. Enough of the family reunion
in the middle of the street.

Julius, what can I do for you?

Damn it, Sloan.

Damn, man, you —
you can't keep doing that.

It's not fresh. No, I'm — I'm serious.
It's not cute no more.

You keep calling me
by the slave name our government —

It's just disrespectful, man.

You know what? I hope you don't think
I'm gonna call you Big Black Africa.

I do. I do hope that.

I would expect that you would call me
whatever name I chose for myself.

I'm not doing that.

Mommy and Daddy named you Julius,
so that's what I'm gonna call you.

It ain't like you some disrespect
to Mommy and Daddy.

It's not a dis. It's about I got a name
that I chose for myself.

You understand what I'm saying?
They named Muhammad Ali "Cassius Clay."

You don't call him "Cassius Clay."

- It's a dis.
- Right.

You don't call
el-Hajj Malik Shabazz "Detroit Red."

You don't call him "Malcolm Little."
You call him "Malcolm X."

You show respect.
It's the same thing with me, Sloan.

It's easy. I was born with one name,
but I chose for myself my own identity.

Big Black Af. Big Black Africa.
It's real simple.

It ain't like I named myself,
Mfufu.

You want me to hook up
you and the Mau Maus?

Why would I hook up
some black, red, green,

flag-waving pseudo-revolutionaries?

First, you done messed up
the colors first.

- What's the colors?
- It's — damn, it's red, black and green!

Everybody — White people know
it's red, black and green, Sloan.

- And secondly...
- Red, black and green.

...why — why are we "pseudo"?

If we were talking about some ice
and fuckin' Cristal,

and pushin' Bentleys
and fuckin' pop mogul, all that shit,

then we would be the fly shit?

If we was on — You like that shit,
you'd be like — You like bling-blinging.

Who are you revolting against?

What are you revolting against?

What are you talking about
in all them songs?

In them songs?
In our songs, Mau Mau songs?

- Yeah! In the songs!
- Shit, we talking about fuckin' —

Revolution!
We talkin' about people gettin' free.

The fuckin' America.

- USA, KKK, all that shit.
- There we go.

This is the shit we're revolting against.
And people's hearts — is all fucked-up.

- People are stupid in their mind.
- Just stop. Please, stop.

- Golly day, you sound stupid.
- What?

You sound retarded.

I sound retarded, right?
But fuckin' master —

Ah, that motherfucker
is a fuckin' millionaire,

gruntin' on records. That shit is crazy.

If I had some platinum drawers,
I'd be the nigger, right?

You know what you should just do?
You should just introduce me

- to your — what's his name?
- Delacroix.

Word, him.

You should hook us —
You should just let me meet him.

Why in the world would he write a show
about the Mau Maus?

Just tell me that.

Shit.

The — You know how many fuckin' —

Aw, man. The fuckin' Monkees had a show.

The — The Partridge Family.

Shit, if them — if them motherfuckers
can have a show...

They had demographics. You don't.

The Mau Maus? I'm telling you,
we got an underground following.

We could blow shit. It ain't big,
but it's some small shit

that, like, y'all could expand on
and help blow that shit up.

Let me put it to you like this,

if I ever decide to do, like, a Brooklyn
public television show, I'll call you,

but until then, I am not taking you
to my new job where I'm on the rise

and have you and your crew
blow up my spot.

How is that blowin' up your shit?

Y'all are embarrassing.

Period.

We're embarrassing?

Y'all ignorant! Y'all ignant.

All right, granted.

You know, I got a few niggers in my crew,
they got problems. You know —

Hard black — I mean, niggas ain't perfect.

You know what?
You talkin' a hole in my head.

- I got stuff to do. Let's wrap it up.
- That's fucked up, man.

- Let's wrap it up.
- You saying it's embarrasin'.

That's like — black folks
been doin' that shit to each other

for the last hundred —
400 fucking years, man!

This shit is like some house-nigger shit
when you say that shit.

- Oh... Wait a minute.
- Aw, nah. Don't go there.

- That ain't what I said.
- Hold up!

That ain't what I said!

Julius, are you calling
your sister a house nigger?

That ain't what I said. I don't even know
why you tryin' to go there.

Why don't you take your field-nigger ass
up out my house-nigger house?

You was just waitin' for the perfect time
to throw me out anyway.

All right, Martin.
Just let me get some water.

Okay, get your water, and then you —
Heh! Okay?

Dela, my man,
I'm glad you got your mind right.

Well, it's right, tight,
and ready to delight.

Okay, I'm with this.

Mr. Dunwitty, please sit back
and allow me to paint a picture.

Okay, I'm all ears,
and my nose is a close second.

Now, I have been doing a lot
of soul-searching.

- Okay.
- And, once again, you're right.

My previous work has been all surface.
Superficial.

It's a thing of the past.

Yes, I've never really dug deep
into my pain as a Negro.

Hey, look, those things,
they're hard to look at sometimes.

Yes, yes, yes.

And as Mark Twain so fully understood,

satire is the way if we are ever
to live side by side in peace and harmony.

- Right.
- So...

my show that I'm pitching
is about promoting racial healing.

Healing is great. I like this.

- Give me more. Go on.
- Yes.

Now, I know you are familiar
with minstrel shows.

- Yes. Yes.
- They came about in the 1840s.

It was a variety show

in which the talent was singing,
dancing, telling jokes, doing skits.

- Like In Living Color.
- Right, right, right. That was dope.

Now, Mr. Dunwitty, I ask you,

when was the last time
there was a great variety show on the air?

- Carol Burnett?
- Carol was bomb, yo.

- Hee Haw?
- Hee Haw was —

- Kenan & Kel?
- Yo, that's the stupidest shit on TV, yo.

So I say, let's take this form,

this very American tradition
of entertainment

into the 21st century, the new millennium.

Okay. Now, what's the name of the show?
We need something that we could sell.

Mantan: The New Millennium Minstrel Show!

Mantan: The New Millennium...

I really, really like this.
You know how I know?

I'm gettin' a boner. Huh?

Swanson Johnson is getting hard.
You know what I'm saying?

I like this.
I'm feelin' this shit! I like this.

- No, it's —
- No, give me more. Give me more.

It's gonna take a lot of courage
and backbone on the part of CNS

to get this thing on the air.

You don't worry about that. That's my job.

You just be the creative genius
that you've proven that you are, okay?

Now, who — who are we gonna get
to star in the show?

Because we need a star
to carry the show, I mean —

Can Whoopi —
can she sing and dance anymore?

- I mean, can she get jiggy?
- Oh, no, no, no.

Ms. Goldberg is the wrong way

- to go with this thing!
- Fuck her.

- We want fresh faces.
- Fresh faces.

- New talent.
- New talent.

- Young blood.
- Young blood.

Sloan! Enter!

- Hello, Sloan.
- Hi.

Gentlemen, please, have a seat.

How you doin', guys?

Are these my two little stars
sitting right in front of me? Uh, Mantan?

Yeah. That's me.
I always wanted to be on TV.

Well, now's your shot, kid.

And that is Sleep'n Eat.

- Wh-What's the name?
- Sleep... and Eat.

Sleep and motherfuckin' Eat.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

Mantan, Sleep'n Eat. Two real coons.

- Real, keeping it real, baby.
- Now, I know that this is out there...

- Right.
- ...but it is satire.

No, no, no. Listen,
I want you to take it out there.

I mean, let's swing for the bleachers
on this one, okay?

Every week, we follow the trials
and tribulations of Mantan, Sleep'n Eat,

two real coons, the Dusty Duo!

What are their character traits?

- Ignorant.
- Ah.

- Dull-witted.
- Ah.

- Lazy.
- Ah!

- And unlucky!
- Ah!

- Exactly. Exactly what I'm lookin' for.
- Yes.

Mantan here is the uneducated Negro,

- but with educated feets...
- Right.

...who by some stroke
of unbelievable stupidity

always makes his best-laid plans
go haywire.

- Sleep'n Eat is his comical sidekick?
- Yes! Yes.

Who sings like Sammy.

- He can sing, too?
- Yes.

This is gonna be big.

I mean, this could be bigger than Friends,
Ally McBeal, even my boys Amos 'n' Andy!

Protests finally
got Amos 'n' Andy off the air,

and that could very well happen
to a program like this one.

- Well, yeah, let 'em try. Let 'em try.
- Let 'em try.

Black folks will be outraged.

So what? We'll just give the NAACP
a little donation.

I've dealt with those guys before.
Big deal, right?

I mean, and besides, where I come from,
there's no such thing as bad publicity.

This is not about the NAACP. Okay? This —

- This — the content of the show...
- Right.

...is — it's just politically incorrect.

Who wants to be PC these days anyway?

I mean, they — a couple of minutes,
you'll go singing and dancing,

you know, shucking and jiving,
a little good, fun home entertainment.

- Right?
- Yes. Exactly.

Then listen, let me ask you
a question. Who are the other characters?

You got other characters developed?
'Cause it can't just be these two, right?

We have three-dimensional characters.

- What have you got?
- How about Honeycutt?

Topsy.

Rastus.
Lil'nigger Jim.

And Sambo.

And I would be remiss to not mention...

Aunt Jemima.

Aunt Jemima's gonna
rock the do-rag, right?

This is gonna be the crazy shit.

We're gonna hit 'em
with the bomb diggity on this one.

Now, what's — what's the setting?

The projects.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's your first bad move.

That's the problem with everything today.

TVs, movies, hip-hop,
it all takes place in the hood.

And everybody wants to bust a cap
in a motherfucker. All right?

That's not what we're gonna do here.
No gold teeth, none of that shit.

Check this out.

Mantan's New Millennium Minstrel Show
is gonna take place on a plantation.

- No. Oh, no.
- Yes!

Okay, no, check this out. Every week...
these two Alabama porch monkeys,

they're gonna make us laugh,
they're gonna make us cry,

they're gonna make us feel good
to be Americans.

You know what? The Alabama porch monkey
plantation shit, that's wrong.

Okay, let's cut it.
Let's cut it. Cut it. Cut it.

- It should be a watermelon patch.
- That's the move.

- What?
- I like watermelon.

- Watermelon's good for you, too.
- Yes.

Have you lost your mind?
Do you know how much mail we will get?

Exactly, because there will be
nothing else like it on television!

Now,
let me ask you a question, Mantan.

How do you feel about performing
just a little blackface?

- Oh, see?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

It's makeup.

- It'll lend authenticity.
- It's cool, man.

Oh, look, I'm black, right?
As long as the hoofin' is real.

Motherfucker, you're light-skinned.
Are you gonna listen to what —

No, no, no. Sleep'n Eat,
they're just keeping it real.

- Now check this out.
- My name is Womack.

Can I, uh — You want to show me
just a little something-something?

- Can I test out the waters here?
- Yes, you may.

This is bizarre.

Delacroix, my motherfucker, you dug deep.

- Yes, I did.
- You —

You, you dug deeper than deep, my man.

- To my loins.
- This is the shit!

That's what I'm saying.

- Oh! Here, take my seat.
- Okay, cool.

How you want it?
You want it raw? Flash? You want rhythm?

No, no, no, I want it
raw dawg without a bag, baby.

I mean, let me see you do your thing.
I mean, keep it real.

- Wow.
- Just keep it real.

Eh, bust a move. Hop on up there.

- Raw dawg without a bag.
- Raw dawg.

Be careful, man.

Yo! Yo, yo, yo, this kid is off the hook!

This kid is off the hinges, yo!

- Yes, we certainly think so.
- That's what I'm talking about!

Mantan! Yo, we're gonna get paid!

Check this out,
I'm about to go run upstairs with this,

because CNS doesn't have the balls
to pull the trigger,

somebody else will.

Yo.

My beautiful black princess.

Delacroix!

- Yes. Go do your little dirt.
- All right? We're in!

Well...

I think he bought it.

This is some bullshit.

- The name of this shit right here...
- What's that, dawg? What's that?

...is "Black is Black."

It's hot. It's hot.

Now, that's some thinking, you thinking.
That — that's some shit right there, dawg.

- Y'all like that shit?
- Yeah.

The name of the album is the Black Album!

That's the motherfuckin' way.

"Black is Black"
on the fuckin' Black Album.

Yo, yo. But for real, though,

yo, we ain't never conformed
to none of the white man's rules.

- Fuck them. Fuck them motherfuckers.
- You know what I'm saying?

- Later for that old slave owner Webster.
- Word.

So I'm sayin', Big Black —
you know what I mean?

I res — I respectively submit,
you know what I'm saying,

that we from here on,
henceforth and whatnot,

should spell "black" B-L-A-K.

Not B-L-A-C-K, you know what I'm sayin'?

- Respectfully, respectfully now.
- I'm feeling that.

That's why you got
to keep the wisdoms around, man.

B-L-A-K, man.

- Blak, the opposite of white, man.
- Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?
Like a member of the African community.

So, how them gray people been tryin'
to trick us with they slickery.

Because of their trickery.

Yo, peep the connotations of that,
you know what I mean?

It's, like, "black."

- Angry.
- Uh.

- Dark.
- Uh.

- Sullen.
- Uh!

- Depressed.
- Uh!

- Wicked.
- Uh!

- Blackball.
- Uh!

- Blacklisted.
- Uh!

♪ Black cat is bad luck
Bad guys wear black ♪

♪ Must have been a white guy
That started all that ♪

You know what I mean?

Mau Mau crew!

Whoo!

I'm saying, I don't even know why they put
the "C" in there to begin with.

Ain't even fuckin' pronounced
in that shit!

- I love all of y'all niggas, man.
- Mau Mau crew!

This is Mantan Moreland.

This is one of his most popular films,
The Lucky Ghost. It was from the 1940s.

He was such a clown.
A bit of a buffoon, but very funny.

That ain't funny.

Oh, now, what is this?

How does he make his eyes do that?

Oh, he was gifted.

Gentlemen...

The show, our show, is satirical.

You know what that means?
That means we are poking fun of this.

Our aim is to destroy these stereotypes.

You know what,
I've put together these two portfolios

full of pictures and articles,

everything you need to know
about a minstrel show.

Whoa, wait.

Wait a minute. We — hey, we gonna need
a little more money for this.

Come on!

Ten Little Niggers?

Okay, you get more money.

Mantan in — in a chicken suit?

Mantan!

Come on, Mantan.

Study this material.

Study hard, gentlemen.

You'll look great
in those Hillnigger jeans.

That motherfucker crazy, man.

The good reverend
Dr. Martin Luther King

did not enjoy seeing his people beaten
on the six o'clock news.

However, white America needed to see that
in order to move this country to change.

They need to see this show
for that exact same reason.

I'm gonna trust
you know what you're doing, Pierre.

That's my little lamb.

I'd like to begin this meeting
by saying that I am a fair person.

A straight shooter.

I do not hold my tongue.

So, I must tell you this,

that I had nothing to do
with any of you being hired.

If I had my druthers, there'd be
at least one Negro writer in this room,

and that afro does not qualify you,
my Jewish friend.

Having said that,

I would like to open the floor
to some of your questions and comments.

Look, I agree with you.

I think it would be better
to have some African-American writers,

but, you know, for whatever reason,
they're not here.

Maybe they couldn't find
any people with experience.

Or they wouldn't work for the pay,
or they refused to work on the show.

Perhaps they couldn't put their
crack pipes down long enough to apply.

- Pierre, I don't know —
- Mr. Delacroix. You don't know...

Mr. Delacroix, I don't know,
and I don't think anybody here does know,

but what I do know is that this
is going to be a unique experience.

I am a damn good writer,
and I'm ready to go to work.

Yeah.

Thank you for rallying the troops, Peter.

I've always loved the format
of Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.

"Sock it to me. Sock it to me."

Or, uh, Pigmeat Markham.
You know, "Here come the judge."

But, you know, I think
we should look back at those '70s shows,

which were groundbreaking,

you know, and I'm from Iowa,
as you all know,

and, um, you know, my first experience
of the black — people of col — uh, Africa,

is that — the shows like The Jeffersons.

You know? And — George and Weezy!

Weezy?

You know what's better
than The Jeffersons? Good Times.

"Kid Dyn-o-mite!"

Kid ah-Dyn-o-mite!

So their whole J. J. thing.

I think — and Delacroix
will agree with me —

that the politics of the show
have to be right.

The show we are doing is a minstrel show.

Which is blackface, tap dancing,
singing, sketches.

- You're putting white actors in blackface?
- No, no, no, my dear.

We're using black actors
with blacker faces.

Don't you think that people
are gonna be offended by this?

Yes, that's good.
I want them to be offended.

- I want to wake America up.
- Yes.

Even though the material
will be somewhat offensive,

there — there —
there is definitely a social message

- that we should focus on...
- Yes.

...when writing the material.

I think we're gonna need some big stars.

No, no, no, no, no. You see —

You're gonna have a hard time
getting a big star to wear blackface

because they become invisible.

So, I mean, to ask Denzel
to put on blackface is foolish.

- You been took!
- Yeah!

- You been hoodwinked!
- Yeah!

Bamboozled!

Now, I know that it may be hard for some
of you liberal-minded good white folks

to write such offensive material,

yet I want you
to tap into your white angst.

I want you to go back
to the O.J. Simpson verdict.

I want you to deal with those emotions.

How did you feel? How did you feel
when the glove didn't fit?

It was ridiculous. Johnnie Cochran played
the race card. The man is a murderer.

Yeah. I — If it had been a white man...

The mission was accomplished.

All of these people left the room
thinking they would have real input.

I was writing this pilot alone.

Myself, me, moi.

...after the verdict.

I want you to put yourself there,

and this is your time
to purge all those feelings.

- But this is a family show, right?
- Yes. Yes.

A family show
that takes place in a watermelon patch.

What?

We're auditioning
for a house band for the show.

The name of the group
is The Alabama Porch Monkeys.

Do we have a problem,

- any concerns with that?
- No, sir.

Please, let us hear some of your... funk.

♪ Barefoot, pregnant! Yeah! ♪

Let me take it to the bridge! Here we go!

♪ You're barefoot! ♪

♪ Barefoot, pregnant! Ha! ♪

♪ Barefoot, pregnant! Uh! ♪

♪ She go barefoot and pregnant ♪

This was amazing.

One small ad in Backstage
had Negroes lined up around the block.

Were people
really this desperate to get work?

Apparently so.

♪ I'll be smackin' them hoes ♪

♪ I'll be smackin' my hoes ♪

♪ Everyone knows, it goes ♪

♪ Kick 'em to the floor
Step on 'em hard, step on 'em hard ♪

♪ Kick 'em to the floor, 'cause I ♪

♪ I be smackin' my hoes ♪

♪ I be smackin' my hoes ♪

♪ I be smackin' my hoes ♪

- Thank you.
- Next!

Thank you. Thank you.

That was great. Please —

That was great. Fantastic!

Thank you.

- What is your background?
- I'm a actor. You know, I act.

What is the last thing
I might have seen you in?

You know, I act on my job all the time.

Can you give me a little, uh, performance?
Some sort of, uh...

Uh, well, you know,
I do all sorts of kind of things, man.

Whatever you need me to do.
You know, like, you —

- I even do Shakespeare shit, you know.
- Well, do some Shakespeare.

"To be or not to be?" You know?
"That's the motherfuckin' question."

You know, "that is
the motherfuckin' question, "you know?

And, uh — well, you know, like, uh —
in — in Hamlet— in Hamlet,

there's this scene, you know,
where this brother was —

Laertes was asking, uh, you know, the king
that he wanted to go to Paris and shit.

The king asked his daddy could he go,
and his daddy say,

"He hath, my lord, wrung from me...

by laborsome petition."

Was there any more to it,
or was that what's pretty much —

Basically he was saying
just let that motherfucker go.

- You know? He was like, let him go.
- Okay. Right.

I was working on this piece,
'cause I was sitting there going —

I realized that when I was looking at it,
that, uh...

niggas is a beautiful thing. You know?

- Uh —
- And...

Okay.

- Write that down.
- And— You know —

So, it came to me.
It just came to me, you know?

♪ Waste away your life and linger ♪

♪ Sittin' at home
Watchin' Jerry Springer, ah! ♪

♪ You do blackface and a monkeyshine ♪

♪ And cut a G at the same time ♪

♪ 'Cause niggas is a beautiful thing
Ah! ♪

♪ Niggas is a beautiful thing
Hit me ♪

♪ Niggas is a beautiful thing, ah!
Niggas is a beautiful thing — ♪

Then the audience
would be gettin' in with that.

I'm, uh — I'm digging that.
I am so digging that.

"Niggas is... a beautiful thing."

I got it here.

Then it get into a gospel thing, you know?

♪ Stand up, uh ♪

♪ If you a nigga
Hey ♪

'Cause it's about keeping it real.
It's about keeping it real, man.

- I'm feeling you.
- Uh-huh.

♪ We are ready if you are ready ♪

♪ Mau Mau 'bout to set shit off, say ♪

♪ We are ready if you are ready ♪

♪ Mau Mau 'bout to break shit off, say ♪

♪ We are ready if you are ready ♪

♪ Mau Mau, break it down, a roll call ♪

- ♪ Who are you? ♪
- ♪ Hard Blak ♪

- ♪ Who are you? ♪
- ♪ Smooth Blak ♪

- ♪ Who are you? ♪
- ♪ Mo Blak ♪

- ♪ Who are you? ♪
- ♪ Your baby daddy ♪

- ♪ Who are you? ♪
- ♪ Double Blak ♪

- ♪ Who are you? ♪
- ♪ 1/16th Blak ♪

- ♪ Who are you? ♪
- ♪ I'm Big Blak, and I just lay back ♪

- ♪ Who are we? ♪
- ♪ Mau Mau, M-A-U, M-A-U ♪

♪ Drop inside! Whoo, whoo, whoo! ♪

♪ Born to roll ♪

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

♪ It be about land and freedom ♪

♪ Reparation and apologies ♪

♪ For Africa to America odysseys ♪

♪ Guerilla-type tactics
On them socialistic fallacies ♪

♪ It be about the devastation
Of the social doministic thought ♪

♪ Keep a brown man down, sport ♪

♪ They want you to keep buying
And fetch and set ♪

♪ You're lucky I ain't read "Wretched"yet
You fucked up in the game now ♪

♪ It's Big Blak
Mr. Chairman of the Mau Mau ♪

♪ I hear the world
In all-blak surround sound ♪

♪ Barricaded
So you can't move around now ♪

♪ Doin' this for my clan
That ain't around now ♪

♪ Buried six feet deep
Beneath the ground now ♪

♪ My loud sound pound down
Make the earth crush in and bow down ♪

♪ Faultlines in the ground now
Shake 'em down ♪

♪ Who the crew?
M-A-U, M-A-U, aim, fire ♪

♪ Blak is blak ♪

♪ Blak womb till we reach
The blak hearse ♪

♪ What's blak? Shade of the universe ♪

♪ Mau Mau dropping science, born to roll ♪

♪ Hard Blak, whoo-hoo, born to roll ♪

♪ Mo Blak, whoo-hoo, born to roll ♪

♪ Mau Mau, born to roll ♪

- ♪ Back from the motherfuckin' forest
- ♪ Born to roll ♪

♪ Born to roll ♪

All right, cut that off. Cut that off.

Cut that off, cut that off, cut that off.

Yo, cut that shit off
before I come up there.

Cut the fuckin' sound off.

Needless to say,
the Mau Maus did not fit into our plans.

As I told Sloan,
"There's a black sheep in every family."

- It's frightening.
- It should be.

I don't want anything to do
with anything black for at least a week.

For the love of Mary and Joseph.

I will not be held responsible
for these revisions.

These changes are not the way
I want to go with this show.

This is an outrage! A-A sham! A violation!
A debacle. A mockery.

Will you just calm down, please?

In Finland, when we get upset —

I don't give a good goddamn
what they do in Finland, Sweden, Norway,

or wherever the hell your young dumb
blond white ass is from.

Hey, hey, hey. We just punched it up.
We made it funnier.

Funnier to whom? And at whose expense?

Mr. Dunwitty, when the Negroes run amok
and the boycotts commence,

I'm going to personally give
the Rev. Al Sharpton your home address.

I seriously doubt that will ever happen.

Didn't I tell you?
I know your people better than you.

I mean, look at all the brothers
on the wall.

And if by some miracle,
Rev. Al "Do" Sharpton shows up at my door,

I'll invite him in,
and we'll have a sit-down

and discuss it like civil human beings.

- Really?
- Really.

Now, can you not interrupt me

while I'm discussing the visual style
and tone of the show, please?

What were you saying, Jukka?

Argh!

How y'all doin'?

Let me hearyou!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I love you so much.

Whoa! I like this!

My name is Honeycutt. Can you say that?

Honeycutt.

Whenever you see me,
I'm gonna give you my greetin'.

Ooh-whee!

And you say, "Ooh-whah!"

Hello, Jukka.

- Just wanted to wish you good luck.
- Thank you very much.

- Do a good show.
- I always try to do my best.

As usual, I did my research.

We should blacken up
like they did back in the day.

Keep the ritual the same.

So, pour some alcohol on the corks
and then light it.

Let them burn to a crisp,
and when burnt out, mash them to a powder.

Add water.

Mix to a thick paste.

And voilà, you have your blackface.

But please put cocoa butter
on your face and hands

to protect your skin.

And the final detail...

are the lips.

The redder the lipstick, the better.

So, I suggest Fire Truck Red.

Show...

...time.

Oh my God.

This here's my best friend, Sleep'n Eat.

Mm-hmm.
And this here's my best friend, Mantan.

And we are two real coons.

We left the hustle and bustle
of uptown Harlem.

Uh-huh, The Big Apple.

New York! New York!

Skyscrapers and everything!

To return to our roots!

Our Alabammy home.

That's right. We is countrified.
We is sho 'nuff bamas.

Here come the bamas. Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh.

Uh, no more city slickers.

Ah... Can't you smell
that sweet aroma of high cotton

and ripe watermelon?

Nigga, now don't you get me to sniffin'.

Uh-huh, now, why don't you show us
some of them there educated feets?

Cousins!
First, second, third, and distant.

Why don't you let Mantan
take you back to a simpler time?

- A time when men was men...
- Yeah.

- ...and women were women...
- Yeah.

...and nigras knew they place.

Oh, yeah.

Cousins! I want you all
to go to your windows.

- Open 'em up.
- Go to your windows and yell out,

"I'm tired of the drugs!

I'm tired of the crack babies

born out of wedlock
to crackhead AID-infested parents!

I'm tired of the inflated welfare rolls

while good wholesome Americans
bring less and less of their paycheck home

every two weeks."

And that's a long time too.

I'm tired. You're tired.

We're all tired of all these so-called,
uh, Bible-thumpin'...

♪ Swing down, swing low ♪

...God-fearin'...

GP, are you with me?

...whore-mongling professional athletes.

You's a fine motherfucker, baby.
Back that ass up. Uh!

Cousins, I want you to go to your windows.

Yell out!
Scream with all the life you can muster up

inside your bruised and battered,
assaulted bodies,

"I'm sick and tired of niggers,
and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

That boy something else.

Once he get to talkin', he —

Lord, have mercy. He done did it again!

Well, let me get him on up, now
I got something for him.

Watch this. Kinda like a magic trick.

Gotta do my watermelon patch.
Gotta do the running man.

Gotta do the running slave.
Now, watch this.

Doctor don't know nothing about these.

Here I go.

♪ Do-o-own ♪

Come on, now.

Come on. I'm rubbing a genie's lamp.
Come on, it's emergency situation.

It's emergency — Clear!

Them nigger apples work
every goddamn time.

Come on, boy!
Let's do this here.

Oh, you lucky we ain't in a jailhouse.

I'd be like Captain Kirk of the Enterprise
going into the big black hole!

Give me one. Hut one! Hut, uh — Uh...

Man, shit, just hut!

Here we go, now. I'm running too you.

Any pretty niggers in the house?

- Yes!
- Come on out!

Ah! Oh! Ey!

All right?

Bravo! Ahh!

Yeah!

- Hello.
- Yo, Dela!

Yo! I just got the news from the CNS brass
that was at the taping.

Yo, they loved the pilot.

Yo, we're a mid-season replacement.
They ordered 12 shows.

We're going to be on the air
in three weeks.

Yo?

Dela, did you hear what I just said?
They didn't even view a rough cut.

They just looked at a couple of scenes
we quickly put together.

They were sweating us, man.

But there must be some sort of mistake.

Only mistake is I didn't believe
in your genius from the get-go,

from jump street.
Dela, you are the man, bro.

Please, hold a second.
I have to take this call.

- Hello.
- Peerless?

Oh, hi, Mom.

Could you hold the line a sec?
I have to get rid of this other —

Yeah, Mr. Dunwitty, it's my mom.

I-I really have to take this.

Oh, your mama?
Hey, I want to meet her someday.

Tell her about the great news, man.
Yo. I'm out like Vanilla Ice.

Peerless.

- Mom.
- Your daddy called.

He wants you to come and see him.

See, they got all this controversy
in Hollywood about black films

with all this stuff about black folks,
are there enough of them on TV?

Well, we know we're on the news.
We all over the news.

My favorite black show is Cops.

You know we're on that too.

And I can't watch all that stuff,
that WB — We Be Black.

Little nigger frog look like Quincy Jones.

I can't watch all that.

UPN — You Pick a Nigger,
any nigger you want.

But I have to confess, I love me some
Jerry Springer. I love Jerry Springer.

- Aw.
- Love him!

It's the all-American show.

Where else can you see three white women
fight over a nigger with one tooth?

And no job.

And speaks fluent Ebonics.

"Reggie, how come you got three women?"

"They like dick, Jerry.
Jerry, they like dick."

"Yeah, your mama like dick?"

I wrote a movie. I sold my movie
to the studio. I'm real excited about it.

The Last White Man on Earth.

Don't look for a sequel. We catch him.

Starring Diana Ross and Whoopi Goldberg.

We beat them for about five minutes.

"Where is he? Where is he?
We saw you with him. Where is he?"

And have you noticed
that everybody white wanna be black?

White folks wanna be black folks.

I went to school with white people.
Their lips weren't that big.

They get stuff in their lips.
They take it out their behind.

They just do anything
to get big nigger lips.

Black people been killed on the highway.
They come by, "I'll take these."

The lips so big,
the little kids look adopted.

Everybody wanna be black,
but nobody wanna be black. It confuses me.

They all act black, sound black.

I hope they start hanging niggers again.
I'm going to find out who's black.

Tell you some street jokes.
I love street jokes.

You can tell one of yours.
I love street jokes. They're the funniest.

Ain't they the funniest?

A nigger escaped from a crazy house.

That's already scary.

And ran — and ran to where the nuns live.

There was Sister Mary,
Sister Jane, and Mother Theresa.

He went in there buck-naked,

and had the biggest, thickest,
longest penis you ever seen.

They was all scared.

So, Sister Mary wanted
to protect Mother Theresa.

- She grabbed a butcher knife.
- Yeah.

"Mother Theresa, where do you want me
to start cutting?"

Mother Theresa said, "Here and here."

Oh, you know that shit is funny.

- Who is it?
- Peerless.

That's my son at the door.

Yeah! Hey.

- How are you doing?
- Looking good!

Good to see you! Good to see you!
Looking good, son.

You look dandy
in that orange ensemble.

Have a seat, son.

- You were hilarious.
- Oh, thank you.

Absolutely hilarious.

It was a good show.

- Yeah — Dot, get my son a drink.
- Oh, sure thing, baby.

I always enjoy seeing you perform.

Good. Good. I — I try.

You do more than try. You succeed.

- I hope this all right for you.
- It's perfect. Thank you.

- Okay. You're welcome.
- Cheers.

Cheers.

Guess I'd better leave
y'all two alone. Right?

It was a good show tonight.
Give me some sugar.

- I love you, baby.
- I love you too.

I'm so proud of you.

Right.

That's a good woman. Good woman.

- How did you end up here?
- I got too much pride.

Too much, uh... dignity...

integrity...

I can't do that Hollywood stuff, man.

I can't say
that stuff they want me to say.

There's got to be
something more than that. I mean...

Reality. I mean,
maybe you weren't funny enough.

You must be crazy, man.

Didn't you hear that audience tonight?
They were with me.

They were with me,
laughing with me. They got me.

I'm funny as hell, okay?

- What — what you up to?
- Trying to get my stuff on the air.

Where do you go from here?

South Carolina.
Another little nigger club.

No, I meant in life. Where do you go?

In life?

I'm happy. Got me a pretty woman.
Got a little money in my pocket.

Got me some tonic.

I'm aboveground. I'm ahead of the game.

And you know what I always taught you.
Every nigger is an entertainer.

The question is...

what are you going to do, Peerless?

And one more thing.

Nigger, where the fuck
did you get that accent?

Why do you always use
that word "nigger" so much?

I say "nigger"...
a hundred times every morning.

Keeps my teeth white.

Come on, Junebug.

My father.

I'm not mad at him. Not at all.

...or the stock market crash.
Black Monday.

Junebug was the reason

I had gotten into this business
in the first place.

You hear white folks all the time —
"It was the darkest day of my life."

When they faint — "I blacked out.

I don't remember anything."

And I thank him for that.

However, it did me no good
seeing him in that state.

Father was a broken man.

... we broke or lose our money,
"It was the whitest day of my life."

He had been a strong man.

With conviction, integrity, principles.

And look where it had gotten him.

Even the cartoons are racist.
Have you noticed that?

- Mm-hmm.
- Why do they treat us like that?

I had to ask myself,
did I want to end up where he was?

Laughing and grinning...

Hell, emphatically, no.

Broke
and the happiest people on the planet.

That was the last time
I ever saw Junebug.

A damn shame.

Remember, son...

Always keep 'em laughing.

Keep 'em laughing.

- Everybody say, "Ho!"
- Ho!

- Say, "Ho, ho!"
- Ho, ho!

- Say, "Ho, ho, ho!"
- Ho, ho, ho!

We're doing something
a bit different tonight.

- Can you help a brother out?
- Yeah.

- Can you do this, folks?
- Yeah.

We're going to chant,
and I'm gonna start it off.

The chant goes like this,

"Let's go, niggers."

Let's go, niggers.

Let's go, niggers...

Let's welcome to the stage two real coons!

The Dusty Duo,

Mantan and his sepia sidekick,
Sleep'n Eat!

Showtime.

- Go, now.
- Okay, come on.

Slow down, boy.

He ain't here. Come on.

Gonna get us some of these here chickens.

Shh.

Ooh, boy,
I can taste me a wing now. Hee-hee-hee.

Mm-mm-mm. Look at that there.

Mm-hmm. Corn bread, biscuits,
red bean and rice.

- What you talking about, man?
- I'm talking about my wish list.

Man, our massa's gonna wish...

Uh, looky here. You know my lady Lucindy?

- Oh, you mean the one with the big —
- Oh, no, no. Not her.

The one with the little, uh...

- Oh, her.
- Yes.

You see, uh, tomorrow's her birthday,

and I want to get her something
really nice, like one of those —

- No, don't get her one of those.
- Oh.

- What you need to do is get one of them —
- Oh, no. Now, she hates them.

That's too bad.

Why don't you get her a dress?

Oh. You mean, like, one of those sexy,
slinky, foxy ones with the —

- They're too short.
- Oh.

And too tight. What you need to do
is get her one of them —

Oh, no. Now, that's too big.
You know, the in-between kind.

- Not too loose, not too tight.
- Now, that's perfect, there.

You know, that dress
is gonna cost you around —

No. Now, that's too much money.
I can't afford it.

I needs me a dress that's gonna cost —

- Can't get it that cheap.
- Oh.

So I'll get a less expensive dress.
Save some money. Take her out to dinner.

- Ah, boy, you getting fancy now!
- Mm-hmm.

Why don't I come over
and we get a double date?

Oh, no, man. I heard your lady is wild.

No, no. No, that was her second cousin,
the one that's married to Lil' Bit.

Oh! Well, uh, because, you know,
on our first date, she let me...

- That bitch didn't!
- Ooh!

Oh, yes, she did.

I heard differently.
I heard that your monkey ass

- went up in there and you —
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. Not — not that time.

- What time you going —
- Hey, well, let's say around, uh...

- That's too early.
- Oh. Well, how's about, uh...

- Well, man, that's too late.
- Oh.

- Why don't you pick us up around —
- Now, that's perfect.

Oh, please.

- Now, you see, that's why we get along.
- Like...

Now, let's go get us
some of them little chickens.

Hey! Who goes in there, huh?

Oh, good God, the goo — That —
We better hide.

Ooh, gosh!

It's that mean, evil overseer!

Master Charlie!

I say! I say, who goes in there, huh?

Ain't nobody in here
except us chickens!

Ah-ha!

Oh, let's go now!

Let's go now!

But maybe it is...

amusing.

It was the day of reckoning.

After a massive advertising
and publicity campaign,

the public would finally
get a chance to view Mantan.

I was feeling
a little like Dr. Frankenstein.

What would their reaction be?

I hadn't the foggiest.

Shh. Shh. Shh.
It's getting ready, come on.

♪ Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton ♪

♪ Old times there are not forgotten ♪

♪ Look away! Look away!
Look away! Dixie Land ♪

♪ In Dixie Land where I was born
Early on one frosty morn' ♪

♪ Look away! Look away! ♪

What's up?
Why they gotta make my nose so big?

What's up with my lips?

Oh, no, no, no. This —
this wasn't supposed to be like this.

Where do you guys work,
in the lobby of the damn place?

Man, listen, this — I don't know.
I don't know what to tell you.

I mean, you have every right to be upset.

But first, a word from our proud sponsors.

♪ Bomb, baby, Bomb, baby ♪

♪ It makes you get your freak on ♪

♪ Da Bomb, baby, Bomb, baby ♪

♪ It makes you get your freak on ♪

Da Bomb, yo.
125% pure pleasure malt liquor.

It's Da Bomb, baby.

It's Da Bomb, dawg.

♪ Da Bomb, baby, Bomb, baby ♪

♪ It makes you get your freak on ♪

Chemical testing has found that Viagra
doesn't work on black johnsons.

That's why our scientist
has developed Da Bomb for you.

It makes you feel like a man, yo.

And it makes your bitches
feel like natural women.

I mean, hoes.

It makes my nature rise.

I want to get funked up.

Ooh-whee!

Da Bomb makes me want to get my freak on.

♪ Da Bomb, baby, Bomb, baby! ♪

Da Bomb, baby, Bomb, baby.
It makes you get your swerve on.

♪ Hillnigger ♪

♪ Timmi, Timmi, Timmi, Timmi ♪

♪ Hillnigger ♪

♪ Timmi, Timmi, Timmi, Timmi ♪

♪ Hillnigger ♪

♪ Timmi, Timmi, Timmi, Timmi ♪

♪ Hillnigger ♪

♪ Timmi, Timmi, Timmi, Timmi ♪

Yo. My name be Timmi Hillnigger.

I was born and raised up in Strong Island,
so you know I know all about my peeps,

my neeggas in the gheetto.

I design and own Timmi Hillnigger
125% authentic gheetto activewear.

- Hillnigger keeps it real.
- Timmi's gots all the latest gear.

If you want to keep it really real,

never get out of the gheetto, stay broke,

and continue to add
to my multibillion-dollar corporation,

keep buying all my gear,
the Timmi Hillnigger collection.

We keep it so real,
we give you the bullet holes.

♪ Go, Timmi! Go, Timmi!
Go, Timmi! Go, Timmi! ♪

All my niggas wear Timmi Hillnigger

or they don't wear a damn thing at all!

It's ghetto fabulous!

I was sunk.

Dead.

My goose was cooked.

The cat was in the bag,
and the bag was in the river.

Oh, I like this.

You guys have both seen
the overnight ratings.

They're through the roof. Mazel tov.

But in this business,
we have to be one, two, three steps ahead.

That's why I brought in Myrna Goldfarb.

She's the best media consultant
in the biz. She's going to help us out.

Okay. First of all,
I would like to say I love your show.

- Hmm.
- It's very courageous.

You know, my parents marched
in Selma, Alabama, with Dr. King.

- Why are you here?
- Good question.

Straight to the point. I like your style.

Because of the content of the show,

we're going to expect
some very spirited reactions.

Myrna's here just to plan our strategy.

- Just in case.
- Right.

The best defense is offense.

Really? I thought it was
the other way around.

Exactly. Okay, I think
we're on the same page.

Now, I've mapped out some strategies
that are gonna help bolster our position.

- Which is?
- Lighten up, man. Right?

This is about fun. Right?
Nice, wholesome fun.

- Myrna, break it down for them.
- Okay. The Mantan Manifesto.

- Catchy, ain't it?
- So is syphilis.

Number one.

We gainfully employ African-Americans
in front of and behind the camera.

You gotta cover yourselves, people.
Very important.

I'm talking — I need a black grip,
a black gaffer, a black PA.

Have them there.

Number two. Let the audience decide.

Three. Who put these critics
in charge anyway, right?

- Right.
- These so-called cultural police?

Four. Who determines what is black?

Yeah, what is black?

Yes. Okay? Sleep'n Eat and Mantan
are lazy and unemployed,

but we are certainly not saying anything

about the entire
African-American community.

- They're slackers.
- Slackers.

I took a couple of years
after graduate school

and walked around
the European countryside.

It's not the biggest deal in the world.

Five. Mantan is a satire.

Six. If they can't take a joke,
you know what? Eff 'em.

Yeah. Eff 'em.

I think that if we stick
to this kind of strategy,

I mean, it's clean sailing from here, huh?

No disrespect,
but, uh, this is some bullshit.

Well, I've done my research.

These are Negroes we are talking about.

Not some lab mice in a cage.

We are not one monolithic group of people.

We do not all think, look and act alike,
Ms. Goldfarb.

Mr. Delacroix, let me assure you,

I got my PhD
in African-American studies from Yale.

- So, you fucked a Negro in college. And?
- Hey. Excuse me.

Excuse me! Let's keep this
above the belt. Okay?

Show a little respect for this woman.

Yes. Yes. Continue, O Great Niggerologist.

- Enlighten us.
- I'm sorry, Myrna.

The biggest thing in public relations
is, of course, to always smile.

Show them pearly whites.

Okay? Wear kente cloth.

Um, invoke the spirit
of Dr. Martin Luther King.

You know, use the word "community" often
when talking about Mantan.

And, finally, our biggest asset is you,

- Pierre Delacroix.
- Me?

- Yes, you.
- Me?

- Yes, you.
- How?

Well, you see, this show was created
and conceived by you, right?

A non-threatening African-American male.

So, the show can't be racist
because you're black.

Now, see, that's where you're wrong.
He's not black.

No, see, he's a Negro.

Well, you have your small victory.

Pierre, yassa, man!

A small victory, is it?

- Right on, man.
- Yeah, great show!

That's small
when you've been used to losing.

Hey, hey, Delacroix.

Funny show, man. Funny show.

And what is this?

It's a gift.

For what, pray tell?

Well, despite how I may feel
about the show personally,

you did come up
with something, let's say, unique.

- Unique?
- Mm-hmm.

Why don't you open it?

Watch this.

And, uh, what do we call this thing?

It is called a Jolly Nigger Bank.

Ain't that something?

And it's not a repro.

It's circa turn of the century.

- Thank you, I guess.
- I thought it was appropriate.

And is that good or bad?

Well, got a brand-new successful show,
so you'll be going to the bank.

Plus...

- I love these black collectibles.
- Really? How so?

It reminds me of a time in our history,
in this country, when...

we were considered inferior...

subhuman,

and we should never forget.

Why don't you try, Pierre?

Yes, why don't I give it a whirl?

- It's something, ain't it?
- Oh, it's something, all right.

When American people
want something, they want it now.

They want it big.

They wanted the Hula-Hoop.
They wanted their yo-yos.

Who could ever forget
those lovable Pet Rocks?

Beanie Babies.

Pokémon.

Now, the latest, hottest, newest sensation
across the nation was blackface!

Trick or treat!

Blackface!

Trick or treat!

Welcome back to Imhotep Gary Byrd's GBE

from 1190 Talk Radio WLIB
in New York City.

Our special guest today
is Pierre Delacroix.

He is the creator of the highly
controversial TV show Mantan.

Pierre, we welcome you to the Experience.

It's good to experience
the Experience, Gary.

Your show has created
a pretty strong, uh, impression

in the community. You have been called
a traitor, an Uncle Tom, a sellout.

You've even been called
the Clarence Thomas of television.

It's nice to be hyphenated.

Well, why does your show
cause such an emotional reaction?

Well, I think it's race.

Race has always been
a very sensitive issue in this country.

I have no problem
with people disagreeing with my show.

That's fine.

But when they trample
my inherent right as an artist,

I catch afire.

Why is every hit Negro show criticized?

Like crabs in a barrel,
they pull each other down.

No one, in any way, shape or form,
should be censored.

Do you believe that that's true

regardless of whether the material
is racist, or sexist, or even homophobic?

I say yes.

Because who is to judge?

Who is to stand
and say this is right or this is not?

I mean, I'm not Mayor Giuliani.

I cannot look at that painting
and say, "That is sacrilegious."

It's art, and that is
what it should be called.

So is Mantan.

There are many people

who at this point
are sick and tired of the TV industry.

And there are many in the community
at this point

who say what they're doing
has got to stop now.

What do you say about the fact
that the line has to be drawn here?

- Those people need to wake up.
- Wake up to what?

I mean, slavery has been over
400 years ago!

We need to stop thinking that way.

Stop crying over the white man this,
the white man that.

This is the new millennium,
and we must join it.

Slavery did not end 400 years ago.
Slavery ended in 1865.

Do the math. Your great-grandmother
who raised your mother's mother

was a slave.

And here you are, in this studio,
trying to excuse our own holocaust?

You're talking numbers, Gary.

Two hundred years, three hundred years,
it doesn't matter.

What matters, Gary, is slave mentality,
and that is what must be broken.

I had an aunt.

We called her Sister.

Aunt Sister went to her grave

believing that man
had not walked on the moon.

I would argue with this dear old woman,
I'd say, "It's on television."

And she'd say,
"I don't care what's on that idiot box.

No man is on the moon."

Gary, there are millions of Negroes
in this country with that same mentality.

They think like my Aunt Sister.

And they must change.
We must adapt to the times.

Otherwise, we will be left behind!

No more mess, CNS! Ban Mantan!

No more mess, CNS! Ban Mantan!

We've come to put you on notice!

There will be no desecrating
of our people!

There will be no... in the new century!

We will not allow no minstrel shows
in the 21st century!

We're gonna close you down!

We're gonna close down your advertising!

You wouldn't... on your children!

- That's right, Rev!
- Look at how they disgrace us!

This is what we're protesting!

Painted face! A disgrace to the race!

Painted face,
disgrace to the race!

Painted face, disgrace to the race!

Yo, man, why is the Rev. Al Sharpton
and Johnnie Cochran down there?

Opportunists. They love
to see themselves on television.

You sound like the media.

This is nothing.

Tomorrow it'll all be over.

Besides, as Mr. Dunwitty says,
there's no such thing as bad publicity.

Here. That's for you.

It's a small token of appreciation
for all your hard work.

All right. Good-lookin', man.

Those are the last pair of tap shoes
worn by Mr. Bill "Bojangles" Robinson.

- Word?
- In fact,

- he died with those on his feet.
- Buggin'.

No joke. I'm serious.

I hope I don't go out like that.

It's a nice sound.

Wood on wood.

Here come Blak.

- What's up?
- What's up?

Those fuckin' Tom Sambos.

Handkerchief-head-wearing ass.

Dancin' monkey.

Benedict Arnold!

Those motherfuckers fuckin' it up
for the whole fuckin' — fuckin' everybody!

They gonna dis us

and keep them two fuckin' smilin', happy,
Tom-laughing coon motherfuckers,

Mantan and goddamn Sleep'n Eat?
You know what I'm sayin'?

- They's foul, you know what I mean?
- Do you know what I'm saying?

- Know what I mean?
- You know what I'm saying?

- You know what I'm saying?
- You know what I mean?

- Do you know what I'm saying?
- Know what I mean?

- You know what I'm saying?
- You know what I mean I'm saying?

We know, man! We know, man!

Yeah, brothers, sister...

Yo, we can't let this injustice go by,
man. Not this time, man.

Them two coons is ill, man.

Word up, man. What we do on this level,
this shit gotta be fuckin' big, y'all.

It's gotta be some global blowout shit.
You know what I'm saying?

This shit gotta have some
fuckin' symbolism to it! Some sustenance!

This shit gotta be like fuckin' —

John Carlos and Tommie Smith
at the '68 Olympics,

do you know what I'm saying?

With the fists up! Some big shit!

- This is nice. This is real nice.
- All right?

This must have cost you a pretty penny.

Yeah, I got it like that now, so...

- Oh, you do?
- Yeah.

Oh, okay.

- I mean, a little somethin'-somethin'.
- A little somethin'-somethin' is right.

I hope you saving
a little somethin'-somethin'.

Yeah, I ain't tryin' to end up broke.

Well, that's good.

- See you got your pictures up.
- Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

You know,
I was just reading the other day,

at the beginning of the 20th Century,

how African-Americans
had to perform in blackface.

You know that entertainer Bert Williams?
He was brilliant.

- You know Bert?
- Not really, hey.

- Mmm.
- Maybe before my time.

Do you read?

I mean, not really. Sort of hurts my head.

Hurts your head. Okay.
You should start reading.

Maybe I should start
doing a lot of things.

Well, as I was saying...

Bert Williams and the rest, you know,

they had to blacken up
'cause they had no choice.

And of course, during that time, we were
considered three-fifths of a human being.

Did you know that was actually written
in the Constitution of the United States?

Sloan, why are you all — why you —
why you flippin' on me right now?

You know what I mean?
This whole blackface thing.

You know what I mean?
Don't try to front like you wasn't down.

You know what I mean?
It was all part of a deal, you know?

You was down from the get-go.

You down with Dela, right?

Yes. I'm down with Dela.

I just thought you might be interested
in the origins of blackface.

Look...

My man Womack, myself,
we can definitely handle this business.

I mean, I — for sure,
I know I can handle my business.

Well, okay.

I'm gonna check this view out
'cause it's real nice.

I'm diggin' this whole thing right here.
This is a nice vibe. I'm liking this.

Sleep'n Eat.

I seen a lot of troubles lately.

Oh? Well, how be that?

I don't know who I is.

Aw!

Well, I'll be
a Alabama porch monkey's uncle.

At least you know who you is.

Years ago, I married a widow
who had a grown-up daughter.

My daddy visited us often,
fell in love, and married her.

Thusly, he became my son-in-law,

and my step-daughter became my mother
because she was my father's wife.

That's right.

After that, my father's wife
gave birth to a son,

which became my brother and my grandchild.

Because he was the son of my daughter.

- What? You jivin'!
- I ain't jivin'!

Now, accordingly,
my wife was my grandmother

because she was my mother's mother.

Mantan, I was my wife's husband
and grandchild at one and the same time.

And Io and behold,

as the husband of a person's grandmother
is a grandfather...

- That's right.
- ...I became my goddamn own grandfather!

Oh, holy mackerel!

Sleep'n Eat, that sure is a whopper!

You said it, cousin.

Or is we?

Feets, do your stuff.

Watch out now!

♪ You ain't never seen no niggers
Standin' here with a fiddle ♪

♪ You ain't never seen no niggers
A-standin' here playin' on no fiddle ♪

♪ You never seen no niggers like this
A-standin' here playin' on a fiddle ♪

♪ You ain't seen no niggers like this
Gettin' down on the fiddle ♪

♪ Watch this, now ♪

You couldn't hold out
any longer, could you?

♪ Ain't worried about money in the middle
'Cause I got my funky fiddle ♪

♪ Ain't worried about money in the middle
'Cause I got my funky fiddle ♪

♪ Watch this now ♪

What's so funny, man?
What you doing, man?

- Look, this shit is funny to me.
- You funny to me.

Watch him now.

Oh, no, man.

No, no, man.

Fuck that, man.

I'm ready to merc somebody.

This some big fuckin' Clint Eastwood shit,

just blow that nigger's
fuckin' cavities back.

That's what I say, right?
Blow his cavities back.

To my astonishment,

not only did the people in Television Land
love us, but also the critics.

Mantan was being hailed as groundbreaking,
barrier-breaking, also earth-shaking.

I looked forward to my awards.

Just vindication for all my hard work.

All my talent
that had previously been overlooked.

Pierre Delacroix, for Mantan.

Come on up and get your Golden Globe.

Yes!

Yeah!

Mira, I love you!

You don't know this,
we both took Mandarin together at Harvard.

I, I — You didn't notice me.
I sat in the back of the class.

But — oh! I love — You are like
the light reflected off an angel!

That routine
would go over like gangbusters.

I would be a dancing fool.

Hollywood's new favorite Negro.

Move over, Danny, Morgan, Samuel L!

Out of my way, Eddie and Wesley!

Make room for me, Will Smith!

Here comes Delacroix!

Show me the money!

... Best New Situational Comedy is...

Pierre Delacroix.

For Mantan: The New Millennium
Minstrel Show.

I want to thank the Academy.

- Yeah! Delacroix! Right on!
- Truly, for this award.

- You — you the man!
- And right now, words escape me.

Which is odd for a writer, of course.

Mr. Modine, would you please
join me at the podium?

Now, I have never met this man
in my life before.

I...

am his greatest fan.

I've seen all your work.

I've seen you in Rumble Fish,
and — and — and Flamingo Kid,

and Something About Mary, and Wild Things.
I've just watched that over and —

Matt Dillon?

He's —

Well, I'm sure
if you were in those movies,

you would have been just as brilliant.

And so I want to thank you
from the bowels of my heart,

and I want you to have this Emmy, please.
I do not deserve it.

No. I can't accept this, uh, Pierre.
It's very generous of you, very kind.

- But this is for you. This is for...
- Give it to the garbageman!

- Give this man his Emmy!
- Mantan: The Minstrel —

Yes!

If I did that...

I'd be assured of work forever.

Delacroix — the grateful Negro.

All right. Listen, man.
We're takin' it from the same spot.

Toe-heel, don't rush.

One, two, three, and —

Don't rush!

Come on, get down there!

Pivot, toe.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no!

Come on now, what was that?

Let me hear you, Lil'nigger Jim.

Oh, no. No, no.

Let me hear you once again, man.

No!

- How old are you, man?
- Ten.

You ten, right?
You want to live to see eleven?

What's going on, man?

Y'all need a break or something?
You need a break?

Let's take a break.
Take a ten-minute break.

Take a break! Y'all take a break, man!

Yo. What's up, man?

I don't know, man. Sorry.

I'm surprised at you, man.

- What's up?
- What's up?

Since when do you start
talking to people like that?

Tell me, Manny, when that start?
When you start that?

You see what they're doin' to my 'ography,
man? They're messin' it up, man.

Trippin', man.
I'm not drinkin' the Kool-Aid.

You ain't drinkin'? What you mean?

Yeah. You know, like Jim Jones?
"I'm not drinkin' the Kool-Aid"?

What you talkin' about, man?

I'm talking about this pickaninny
watermelon bullshit!

I'm out! I'm raisin', up.
The fuck outta here.

You out?

You know what, man? Good, yo. Be out.

'Cause I got a broken back from carrying
you around all these years anyway.

- Oh, so that's what you been doing?
- Yeah.

Stand up. Stand up, okay? Stand up.

That what you been doing?

You been carrying me?

We were on the streets,
you weren't talking that shit.

Huh? When you was hungry,
you wasn't talking that shit.

Was you?

What, you been doing push-ups now?

- And now what? You clock diesel now?
- Come on, man.

Don't sit down. Don't sit down, Manny.

- You know, I don't know —
- You gonna jump?

What's up? Do you remember me?

Do you remember me?

Do you? Hmm?

Huh? Remember me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
That what I thought.

It's just what I thought, right there.

Hey, go ahead, man.

Do what you want right now.

I'm handling mines, man.
You know what I mean?

I got a roof over my head.

Yo, fuckin' with you,
we'd still be out on the street, man.

What are you, calling me a cling-on?

You been draggin' me?
I been dead weight to you?

Is that what I been?

New millennium, huh?

It's the same bullshit!

Just done over.

Same bullshit.

"Yassa, I...

What you want me to do, massa?

Anything for you, sir.

I sang for ya.

I tap dance for ya, massa.

I coon for ya.

Anything just to make you laugh.

Massa?

Yassa.

Yassa."

You should call him.

I'm not really thinking about Womack
right now, you know what I mean?

I mean, what am I callin' him for?
I mean, he left. He should be callin' me.

You gotta be the bigger person,
though. It's not about, you know —

Don't take it on the ego thing,
'cause it's not about that.

He comes in.

All right. It may have been a bad time
or whatever, but he came at me like...

I mean, like he was my boss
or somethin', like,

"What am I doing talkin'
to the kids like that?"

Talkin' to them like that
'cause they not gettin' the 'ography.

And he just gotta go into some...

"do you remember" daze.

I mean, jumpin' at me...

like he gonna knock my head off,
beat me up in the studio.

You know what I mean? I'm just like,
"I'm not feelin' you right now, Womack."

"Straight up."

You want me to call him?

I'm not callin' Womack, no.

No, man, he calls me.

So how long have you and Hambone
been hanging out?

We're friends.

Really? That's not
what your brother seems to think.

Well, he's playing
that big brother role, so whatever.

So, are you getting "jiggy" with him?

Pierre, I don't really think
that's any of your business.

So, why am I here?

Well, Mr. Dunwitty and I
feel that you're getting too close to him.

And that his mind is being messed up.

He's unfocused.

So I must demand that you stop seeing him.

Work-related or otherwise?

Otherwise.
And I trust you know the difference.

If he asks me something,
I can't lie to him.

Okay? I have to tell him the truth.

Well, do you have
to be so damn forthright?

You should try it sometime, Dela.

When are you gonna come into the light?

- The light?
- The light!

Don't you give me none of this
mumbo jumbo bullshit, Ms. Sloan,

because your hands
are just as bloody as mine.

I know where I made my big mistake.

I should have never gotten
romantically involved with the help.

What did you just say?

Nigger, did you just call me your "help"?

Is that what you think of me?

Let me tell you a thing or two
about help, Peerless Dothan.

If you weren't so busy fucking
Mary Ann, Sue, and Beth,

maybe you would have
a little bit more stroke in your back.

Now, help that shit out.

Get out.

Get the fuck out!

You know what?

You are fucked up.

Look at that shit.

That could help your sorry ass one day.

I trust you can "help" yourself out.

What you did was dead wrong.
Wrong. Capital W. Wrong.

Buddy boy, in this business,
if you do not produce, you get fired.

- It's that simple.
- Sloan — Listen.

Sloan is the hardest-working person
I ever met.

Come on. You're a bright young man.

How do you think she got the gig
in the first place?

- No.
- Yes.

I hate to burst your bubble,
Mantan the Marvelous,

but Sloan is an opportunist!

Nah, man. You don't believe that.

I don't believe that.

Do I have to spell it out for you?

In fact, why don't you
go ask her yourself?

- Nah.
- Ask her. Say, "Sloan...

How did you get this gig?"

How did you get this gig?

I had an internship
and I worked like a dog

to get in the position that I'm in today.

Are you leaving something out?

Like I said...

I had an internship.

Dela liked how I worked,
and he hired me as his assistant.

And?

And what?

Don't play with me right now, Sloan.

Manray, if you have something to ask me,
ask it.

- Oh, you just want me to say it, right?
- Say what?

Did you ever sleep with Dela?

Yes, I did.

- Listen! It doesn't have any —
- I knew it.

- Listen! It doesn't have anything...
- I knew it!

...to do with how I got my job.
It was a mistake.

Okay? It happened a very long time ago,

and it doesn't have anything
to do with me and you.

You know what?

Figured you was probably gonna try
to play me, right? Try to use me.

- Oh, come on!
- Just like you used Dela

to work your way to the top, huh?

It's funny how people in this business
can just flip on you like IHOP.

I'm glad he fired your ass.

You —

You know what?
Let me tell you what's funny.

It's funny how a man always
has to perceive an attractive young lady

as having to fuck or suck somebody
in order to get to the top.

It doesn't have anything to do
with the fact that I'm intelligent maybe?

Or have anything to do
with the fact that I have drive?

That doesn't matter?

No, I fucked him.
Yes, I fucked him. How about that?

The question is,
are you a puppet for Dela?

- Don't try to change the subject.
- I'm not changing anything.

I'm asking you a question.
Are you a puppet for Dela?

No. I'm looking at Dela's puppet.

Well, then the real question is...

whose puppet are you?

Hello, Mommy. How are you?

Oh, I'm just fine, honey.

I've just been here
reading about your show.

It's everywhere.

You know, I only saw it once.

I thought you told me
there would be no buffoonery!

Are you going to attack me, too?

The show is a hit.
Why can't you be happy for me?

Of course I'm happy for you, honey.

But a coon is a coon!

- Peerless.
- What?

You work so hard for your success, honey.

Yes, I have. Very hard.

Has my father called?

- No. No.
- Not at all?

Well, honey, you know your daddy.

Well, if and when he does call,

please, don't forget to ask him
if he's seen Mantan.

I will, honey.

- Peerless?
- Yes?

You disappoint me.

Yes. Well, I have to go now.

The hell are you smiling at?

Jolly Nigger Bank.

Hmm.

When I thought or imagined
that my favorite Jolly Nigger Bank,

an inanimate object,
a piece of cold cast iron,

was moving by itself,

I knew I was getting paranoid.

Did I really see what I saw?

Or was I hallucinating?

What's up, my millennium niggers?

Whoo!

My name is...

Honest Abe Honeycutt-ahh.

And I've just got one thing to say.

What?

Ooh-whee! Ah!

Ooh-whah!

Sounds so good I gotta do it again.

Ooh-whee! Ah!

Ooh-whah!

And four score...

and seven years ago...

Preach, boy.

...they was kicking our black asses.

Boy, I mean they had a whip,
and they was kicking our black asses

from can't see in the morning
till can't see at night.

But this is the new millennium!

How's everybody doing?

Grandma Bull, Grandma Bull,
is you a nigger?

Yes sirree Bob.
Darn tootin', I'm a nigger.

Oh, give her applause!
Give her some applause!

Oh, my brother! I love you!

My boy. Is you a nigger?

Oh! Honeycutt, you be nigger.
You be nigger!

Let's be niggers together!

Boom, boom, Honeycutt!
Boom, Honeycutt! Boom, boom, Honeycutt!

- Are you a nigger?
- Yes.

I'm bo — I'm from the Bronx, man.

Home of the world champions!
New York Yankees!

Oh!

Where you from, my sister?

Puerto Rico.

That's right, baby.
So, I'm not just a nigger.

I'm a nigger, okay?

Send something
to our other sisters out there.

If you not a nigger, be a nigger!

Is you a nigger?

I'm a Sicilian nigger.

Which means I'm more of a nigger
than any nigger in here.

- Ooh!
- Okay?

Because you know
what they say about Sicilians.

We're darker than most niggers.

We're bigger than most niggers.

- And we rap better than most niggers.
- Ooh!

♪ I'm white, not black
But not all the time ♪

♪ I'm in blackface, and I'm feelin' fine ♪

♪ No matter what color
No matter what race ♪

♪ You know you're cold chillin'
When you're in blackface ♪

Can I find somebody? Wait a minute.

Mm-mm-mm. Lord have mercy.

Is you a nigger?

Honeycutt, I don't know
about all the other people in here,

but I'm keepin' it real.

You know what I'm sayin'?

♪ I'm keepin' it real ♪

I got one more thing to say.
I am a really real negress. Thank you.

A real negress! Oh!

Y'all ain't going to waste no time, huh?

- Him!
- Him!

- You!
- You!

- You!
- You!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

We are all God's niggers!

Even the lost souls
who don't know that they niggers.

They niggers, too.

- Do you know why?
- Why?

- Do you know why?
- Why?

♪ 'Cause niggas is a beautiful thing ♪

♪ Niggas is a beautiful thing! ♪

Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
I had a tough time catching a cab.

Perhaps they thought
you were Danny Glover.

- Delacroix here.
- This is Bunning.

Listen, I have Mantan up there,
and he's not getting dressed,

and he's not in makeup,
and I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

- What?
- And he's not in blackface.

I'll be right there.

- You want to check on the little delay?
- That's where I'm going.

I'm just keepin' it real.

Where is he?

Mantan, what's going on here?
We have a show to tape.

My name is Manray, goddamn it.

Goddamn it, Manray,
we've got a show to tape.

Please... go to your room,
put on your costume, and blacken up.

Look, man, I'm not playing myself no more.

- Come again?
- Come again?

I'm done, man. This whole
blackface, buck dance shit, I'm done, man.

I know what you're going through
right now.

I mean, first Womack and then Sloan.

Oh, my God. It broke my heart

to have to be the one to pull
your coattails as to her sexual exploits.

However, we must remain professional.

The show must go on.

I will always be professional.

But as far as this buck dancing,
this blackface shit, I'm not doing it.

No costume, no blackface?

Hell, no. Blackface. No.

Fine.

It's gonna be your funeral.

We want Mantan!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

We apologize for the holdup.

So, without any further delay,
ladies and gentlemen,

give it up for Mantan!

- What's going on?
- I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

Cousins...

I want you all to go to your windows.

Go to your windows and yell out.

Scream with all the life
that you can muster up

inside your bruised, assaulted
and battered bodies.

I am sick and tired of being a nigger,

and I am not gonna take it anymore!

"Sick and tired of being a nigger?" What?

I don't think he's getting up.

- What is this?
- It must be a dance.

What the fuck is going on here?

Stop the tape! Stop the tape!

Stop the goddamn tape!

Stop! Cut!

Cut! Cut!

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Stop dancing!

- Get him out of the building!
- Yo, get off me!

- Stop dancing! Stop dancing!
- Get off me!

- Yo, what you doing? Yo, get off me, man!
- We apologize, ladies and gentlemen.

Just relax. We'll be right back
with a good show. Hold that.

Get him out of here! Get him out!

Ladies and gentlemen, uh, Mantan
has come down with a case of coon-itis.

Uh, we'll take him out back
and whip it right out of him.

I will have him out here
even if I have to cut off a foot.

He'll dance like —

- You just relax.
- Get him out.

I wasn't finished
doing my dancing!

But you are finished.
You're done.

You see, niggers like you
are a dime a dozen.

You think you're special?

I'm gonna just slide Honeycutt
right into your spot,

you fake-ass tap dance kid.

Get him out of the building.

Ungrateful motherf—

- Let's go, Honeycutt.
- Yes, sir.

I'll deal with you next.

- Don't ever come back no more!
- Yo, man.

This is bullshit.

- You a dead motherfucker.
- What did I do, man?

The clown motherfucker
wanna know what he did, y'all.

Ah, see, that's your goddamn problem.
You know exactly what the fuck you did.

Negro, you will be executed.

For what?
For singing and dancing? Come one!

- I'm just hoofin', man!
- "Just hoofin', man."

Yo, you're going to be done
in front of the whole world, man.

Telemundo.

The whole world is gonna be watching this.

The Mau Maus had come
up with a brilliant, sadistic plan

to broadcast Mantan's execution live.

No way we gonna be found out.
You ain't even here.

Motherfucker, you in cyberspace, man.

This is gonna really boost your ratings.

♪ Peep the math
Mau Mau be about land and freedom ♪

♪ Reparation and apologies ♪

♪ For African to America odysseys ♪

♪ Guerrilla-type tactics
On them socialistic fallacies ♪

♪ It be about the devastations
Of the social doministic thought ♪

♪ Keep a brown man down, sport ♪

♪ They want you to keep buying
The fetch and set, nigger ♪

♪ Way Franz Fanon put it
You lucky I ain't read "Wretched"yet ♪

♪ Yo, you fucked up in the game now ♪

The Mau Maus sent
anonymous e-mail proclamations

to the websites of CNN, ABC, NBC, and CBS.

It was an invite
to witness the Dance of Death.

10:00 p.m., prime time, tomorrow night.

♪... bow down
There's faultlines in the ground now ♪

♪ Shake 'em down ♪

♪ Black monk like that Thelonious
The government got the black phobia... ♪

Hello. My name is Thomas Dunwitty.

I'm the senior VP
of the entertainment division here at CNS.

I come to you with a heavy heart.

This abduction is a cowardly,
vile, sinful, and dastardly act,

and I promise that these creeps
will be prosecuted

to the fullest extent of the law.

This is a total, complete attack
on our American way of life.

We here at CNS are offering
a $1 million cash reward

for any information that leads
to the safe return home

of our dear friend and homie Mantan.

Mantan, our prayers are with you,

and may God bless America.

♪ Hard Blak dropping science
Born to roll ♪

♪ Mau Maus dropping science
Born to roll ♪

It was ten o'clock

and the Dance of Death
was about to commence.

Since a lot of people
still don't have computers,

the networks sought a court order
to carry it live, taking it off the feed.

It was granted.

A live snuff broadcast right
into the comfort of your living room.

Yo, we're live.
Five, four, three, two...

We are now live in cyberspace!

Whereas Mantan is a Tom.

Whereas Mantan is a disgrace.

Whereas Mantan
is a head-scratchin',

- foot-shufflin' Negro!
- Negro!

Let me go, man!

Be strong, boy. Be strong.

The dancing fool
is condemned to death!

I's a good Negro.

Let's see
that bitch's dancing feet.

Let's show you some real educated feets.

Come on, show us some of them fancy moves.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, boy!

Get your ass up! Get that nigger up!

Let him do some dancing for us.

Get up on your feet, man.
Show us them feet. Don't be ashamed.

Dance for us! Make the world see...
Dance, boy! Showtime!

You fucked up in the game now.

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it, I say!

Leave me alone!
Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

Spearchuckers! Man, these porch monkeys!

Jungle bunny!

Yo, dawg.
Yo, I'm fucked up, dawg.

Yo, you need a light, dawg?

Shit.

Yo, why didn't you
kill me? Why didn't you kill me?

I'm black! Why didn't you kill me?

I'm black! I'm black!

All it takes is one fucking drop
of black blood!

Everyone thinks he's black!

Mau Maus!

You should've killed me.
You should've fucking killed me!

Should've fucking killed me!

All it takes is one fucking drop
of black blood, motherfucker!

You're black! You're black!

Get the fuck off me!

Hi, Peerless.

You done fucked up now.

You didn't think
I had one of these, did you?

My brother gave me this.

Oh, I see.

You brought my tape.

Get up and put it in.

Get up and put it in!

That's right.
You're gonna listen to me tonight.

All this time,
you didn't listen to what I had to say,

but you gonna listen to me tonight.

This is Sloan — Listen to Sloan Day.

It's my night.

I want you to look at this shit.

Look to what you contributed to.

Because of you, my brother's dead...

Manray. You done fucked up everything!

- What if they are cannibals?
- You see all that shit?

They wouldn't dare do that
to white people.

Maybe they want some dark meat.

What do you have
to say for yourself?

What do you have
to say for yourself?

- Sloan, give me the gun.
- No. Don't.

- Please.
- Don't.

Don't, Peerless. Don't make me. No!

Don't come over here.

Peerless...

- Mmm... I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

You never listened to me.
You made me do that.

As I bled to death,
as my very life oozed out of me,

all I could think of was something
the great Negro James Baldwin had written.

"People pay for what they do,

and still more for what they have
allowed themselves to become.

And they pay for it very simply
by the lives they lead."

Now it was time for me to buy the farm.

To meet my maker.

Goodbye, cousins.

Please, tune in next week

for the best of
Mantan: The New Millennium Minstrel Show.

Gonna put your shoes on?

No, no. Savin' them
in case my feet wear out.

Well, Mr. Bones, how are you this evening?

Me?

I's the personification
of health, Mr. Christie.

Good. Who was that lady
I saw you with this afternoon?

That was no lady. That was my wife.

I'll bust your head.

Good gracious me.

Uh, who is that?

What — what — what?

What's the matter with you, boy?

♪ For my mam... ♪

♪ Mammy! ♪

- What was that?
- How would I know?

Are you ready, Eliza?

I's ready, Uncle Tom.

Is you ready, Simon Legree?

I'm always ready.

I broke in as a bootblack, you know?

Here we go.

Oh.

For a month and a half, I've been dreaming
how pretty I was going to look tonight.

Well, here's my punishment
for thinking so well of myself.

This is tough to put on. And take off.

You know, you're lucky.

Hey. Cut them monkeyshines.

- Chicken house?
- Uh-huh.

- What am I waiting for?
- I don't know.

Me either. Tallyho.

Yassa.

- Yassa, mister.
- Yes, sir.

Yes, ma'am.

Yassa, Miss Bellmer.

Yes, Miss Maggie.

Brothers, it's certainly
gonna be a lesson to me.

Maybe
Baldwin was right, maybe he was wrong.

But, as my father often told me,

"Always keep 'em laughing."