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1
00:00:02,294 --> 00:00:04,586
♪ it seems today that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:07,631
♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪
3
00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:11,343
♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:14,346
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:17,975
♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:21,311
♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,397 --> 00:00:22,855
♪ all the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,106
♪ laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:30,112
♪ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,828
What are you up to
there, stewie?
11
00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:41,290
Big birthday party today,
just finishing up my card.
12
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,834
"happy birthday, gurt"?
13
00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,502
Yeah, it's short for "yogurt."
14
00:00:45,588 --> 00:00:48,130
His mom is a doula
and his dad is a doula.
15
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,590
I like the blue truck.
16
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,383
Thanks. It was supposed
to be a fire engine,
17
00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,385
But I couldn't find
the red glitter pen.
18
00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:56,138
Well, that's our long-form
tax return done.
19
00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:57,973
I could be wrong, but I think
20
00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,349
We're getting
a million dollars back.
21
00:00:59,435 --> 00:01:02,061
Oh, I'm glad you're here.
I ran out of bleach
22
00:01:02,146 --> 00:01:04,063
Halfway through
my mustache treatment today,
23
00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:06,023
So, peter, I'm gonna need you
to take stewie
24
00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:07,524
To the bowling alley
for a party.
25
00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:09,151
Hey, meg, I'm gonna need you
to take stewie
26
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,861
To the bowling alley
for a party.
27
00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:12,613
I just learned the word
"delegate."
28
00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:15,365
No skin off my sack.
I love the bowling alley.
29
00:01:15,451 --> 00:01:16,617
I'm coming, too.
30
00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:19,119
They got a new claw machine
with a bra in it.
31
00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:22,498
We sure raised
a few fine delegates, huh?
32
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,500
Peter, I don't think you
learned the word "delegate."
33
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,628
I will not be delegated
in my own house.
34
00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:29,379
This is gonna be fun, stewie.
35
00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:31,548
Yeah, I'm pumped.
Partying's in our blood.
36
00:01:31,634 --> 00:01:34,551
We even had ancestors
at the boston tea party.
37
00:01:34,637 --> 00:01:36,261
All right,
let's stick it to the british
38
00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:37,930
And throw this tea overboard.
39
00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:39,431
How about this earl grey?
40
00:01:39,517 --> 00:01:41,058
Okay, you know what,
let's keep the earl grey.
41
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,310
We-we all have to have
breakfast, right?
42
00:01:43,354 --> 00:01:45,813
-Here goes the chamomile.
-No, no, no. You throw that out,
43
00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:47,481
You're throwing
my good night's sleep away.
44
00:01:47,650 --> 00:01:49,733
How about this throat coat
with echinacea?
45
00:01:49,860 --> 00:01:51,527
Okay, you guys
are gonna hate me,
46
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:52,903
But we're coming up
on cold and flu season.
47
00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:54,613
And I just think
that would be irresponsible.
48
00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,907
-Well, what about--
-you know what,
let's just boil some water
49
00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:59,409
And write 'em
a strongly-worded letter.
50
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:05,374
Here you go, meg.
51
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,001
You's all in lane six
with gurt's mother.
52
00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:10,045
Everybody wins.
Everybody wins here today.
53
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,214
Gurt, get your hand
out of your pants!
54
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:13,423
Thanks, bruce.
55
00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:15,384
Hey, want to put
quesadillas in our mouths
56
00:02:15,511 --> 00:02:17,177
And flip through
a people magazine later?
57
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:19,805
Oh, I'd love to,
but this is our busiest day.
58
00:02:19,974 --> 00:02:22,224
I got five parties
and that guy over there
59
00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:25,310
Insists he can only bowl
like fred flintstone.
60
00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:27,938
Dad, you were coming here
the whole time?
61
00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:30,649
I don't have to tell you things
I'm keeping secret from you.
62
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:31,900
All right, bruce, I'm up.
63
00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:33,902
[sighs]
64
00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:36,613
[xylophone playing]
65
00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:44,997
Yibba yabba yoo!
66
00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:48,792
[indistinct chatter]
67
00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:51,336
Stewie, william, you're up.
68
00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:55,007
Well, well, well, looks like
the new kid got a pity invite.
69
00:02:55,134 --> 00:02:56,258
My name's william.
70
00:02:56,302 --> 00:02:58,635
I've been on six airplanes.
71
00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,179
You do sports, william?
72
00:03:00,297 --> 00:03:02,306
You ever get your ass handed
to you, sports-wise?
73
00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,892
Not yet, stewie, but if
you throw the ball the way
74
00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:07,895
You threw back that cake,
you should be in good shape.
75
00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:09,938
Hope you got another set
of pins, bruce,
76
00:03:09,982 --> 00:03:12,065
'cause this one's
about to explode.
77
00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:13,901
Well, call me norma rae,
78
00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:15,944
'cause you're about
to see a strike.
79
00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:18,155
I watch a lot of movies
at my grandma's house.
80
00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:22,242
-On three?
-Oops.
81
00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:25,454
["the final countdown" by europe
playing]
82
00:03:57,655 --> 00:04:00,239
Yes! And then there were nine.
83
00:04:00,366 --> 00:04:01,490
It's not fair!
84
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:04,117
Someone else was using
my lucky dinosaur ramp!
85
00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:06,745
Can't beat
the old strike-a-saurus!
86
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,789
♪ open the door, get on the floor ♪
87
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:12,084
♪ everybody bowl that dinosaur. ♪
88
00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:17,339
Are you here for shoes?
89
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:19,299
Yeah, but I'm not sure
what size I am.
90
00:04:19,385 --> 00:04:21,843
The sizing line's
right over there.
91
00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:23,971
Just put your bare foot
on my stomach
92
00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:26,765
And I can tell you
your shoe size.
93
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,725
I don't know. Next.
94
00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:30,143
Little higher.
95
00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:32,145
I don't know. Next.
96
00:04:33,065 --> 00:04:34,815
That'll do, pig.
97
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:36,566
That'll do.
98
00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:40,237
Peter, you're up.
99
00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:43,156
Just got to dry my hands first.
100
00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:44,908
Ooh, how embarrassing.
101
00:04:44,994 --> 00:04:47,911
What an unexpected,
sexy turn of events.
102
00:04:48,038 --> 00:04:49,371
So, did you guys know that
103
00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:51,415
Marilyn's real name
was norma jean?
104
00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:53,792
-[sighs]
-mm-hmm.
-And if you said hello
105
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,919
To bernard schwartz,
you'd be saying--
106
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,005
Saying hello to tony curtis.
Yes, we know.
107
00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:00,799
"better smile
when you say that, pilgrim."
108
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:04,177
Marion morrison, aka john wayne.
109
00:05:04,263 --> 00:05:06,972
Yep, we remember from the list
you emailed us, joe.
110
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:09,474
You know, kennedy's secretary
was named lincoln,
111
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,977
And lincoln's secretary
was named kennedy.
112
00:05:12,062 --> 00:05:14,229
-Kind of makes you think, huh?
-About what?
113
00:05:16,525 --> 00:05:18,567
Secretaries.
114
00:05:22,573 --> 00:05:24,406
Sorry we left such a mess.
115
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:26,533
-Let me help you with that.
-Thanks, meg.
116
00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:28,535
Oop, looks like more vomit,
117
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,746
And I done run out
of kitty litter to soak it up.
118
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:33,790
That's all right, I always
keep a small bag in my purse.
119
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:36,126
You keep kitty litter
in your purse?
120
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:38,754
Well, there's not always
a bathroom when I need one.
121
00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:42,257
I don't know how you handle
all these kids every week.
122
00:05:42,343 --> 00:05:44,384
Oh, I don't mind.
I like children.
123
00:05:44,470 --> 00:05:46,011
Always wanted one of my own.
124
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,804
Someone I could raise
a little bit better
125
00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:49,181
Than my parents did me.
126
00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:51,183
You'd be a great dad, bruce.
127
00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,226
You should totally have a kid.
128
00:05:53,312 --> 00:05:55,145
I don't know if you knew this,
but it's
129
00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:57,939
Anatomically impossible
for a man to get pregnant.
130
00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,483
Even lindsey graham?
131
00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:02,402
Well, he's certainly giving it
the ol' college try.
132
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,571
But I guess it's just
not in the cards
133
00:06:04,615 --> 00:06:05,822
For jeffrey and me.
134
00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:08,450
After all, you can't make
a bun without a oven.
135
00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:10,744
Well, I have an oven.
136
00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:12,454
I mean, it may not
close all the way,
137
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:15,791
And it's definitely not
self-cleaning, but it works.
138
00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:18,085
You should thank
your lucky stars for that.
139
00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:19,836
Well, I don't know
if you've noticed,
140
00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:22,089
But I don't exactly
have a lot of suitors.
141
00:06:22,174 --> 00:06:24,049
It might be
because you's going potty
142
00:06:24,176 --> 00:06:25,634
In your purse all the time.
143
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,261
But at least
you's able to have a baby.
144
00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:30,013
You're right.
145
00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:32,099
I can have a baby.
146
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,476
Mom, dad.
147
00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:36,603
I'm having
bruce and jeffrey's baby.
148
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,271
That's wonderful.
149
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,732
What do you say we take this
party to the top of the stairs?
150
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,694
[announcer] it's not an abortion, it's an "oopsie."
151
00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:52,411
Meg, there is no way
you are having
152
00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:55,330
Bruce and jeffrey's baby.
I forbid it.
153
00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:58,083
We agreed no more kids in the
house unless it's young sheldon.
154
00:06:58,168 --> 00:07:00,293
Boy, is that kid a pepper pot.
155
00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:01,920
It's not what you guys think.
156
00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,171
I'm gonna be a surrogate.
157
00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:04,923
But don't you need an egg?
158
00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:07,092
Or-or is that...
Is that a bad question to ask
159
00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:09,094
Now that penises and vaginas
mean nothing?
160
00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:11,263
Jeffrey and bruce
already picked out
161
00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:12,848
An egg donor from a website.
162
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,182
Okay, as your father,
163
00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:15,851
I'd like to say something.
164
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:18,061
You can just get
hot eggs off the internet?
165
00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:20,522
Wh-what, uh, what, uh,
what, uh, wh-wha-- uh,
166
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,400
Wh-wha-what website?
167
00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:25,360
[sighs]
meg, this is serious.
168
00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:27,696
Pregnancy is not something
you do for money
169
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,781
Or to keep a certain
professional athlete interested
170
00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,491
After he blocks your number.
171
00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:34,119
You're gonna ruin your life,
and I won't have any part of it.
172
00:07:34,246 --> 00:07:37,289
Well, too bad, 'cause I'm 18
and you can't stop me.
173
00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:40,625
Dang, no more sush for meg
for nine whole months.
174
00:07:40,711 --> 00:07:43,086
That's honestly what you're
taking away from all this?
175
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,172
Well, yeah.
I'm still getting sush.
176
00:07:45,257 --> 00:07:47,549
Anyone else for sush? Dad, sush?
177
00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:49,676
Ma, sush? Chris, sush?
178
00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:51,386
Meg, no sush.
Don't even answer, meg.
179
00:07:51,472 --> 00:07:53,305
She's like,
"aw, I want sush so bad."
180
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:56,016
I'm like,
"no, no, meg, no sush, babe."
181
00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:57,684
Anyway, I'm gonna go out
and get some sush.
182
00:07:57,769 --> 00:08:00,270
I'll be at cvs.
183
00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:06,568
Aw, this is embarrassing.
We wore the same thing.
184
00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:10,238
Let it be noted that I was
the one to change this time.
185
00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:12,282
Anyway, good news.
The fertilization
186
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:15,076
Of the hella-more-attractive egg
was a success.
187
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:16,703
Brucie, we did it.
188
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,955
I'm gonna dress him
in political t-shirts
189
00:08:19,041 --> 00:08:21,166
He can't even begin
to understand.
190
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:22,959
Yes, so now we just
have to implant
191
00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:25,712
That very hot embryo
into meg's body.
192
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,297
-Is this gonna hurt?
-Not at all.
193
00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:29,925
Nurse, wheel
in the implantation cannon.
194
00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:31,468
You guys are gonna
love this thing.
195
00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:34,721
A clown died in there,
but I think we got him all out.
196
00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:56,409
Can someone please go get me
a cup of buffalo sauce
197
00:08:56,495 --> 00:08:58,662
And a hollowed-out pickle
to use as a straw
198
00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,288
To suck up the sauce?
199
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:02,916
Fine, but I'm making you
a grilled cheese.
200
00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:04,834
And not because
I support this pregnancy.
201
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,754
I just enjoy making passive-
aggressive grilled cheeses
202
00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:09,047
For people
and then saying, "here,
203
00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:11,758
Here's your freakin'
grilled cheese."
204
00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:14,052
[sniffing]
hey, meg?
205
00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:15,929
How many farts
you been blasting off today?
206
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,973
We talking bigs and smalls?
207
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,808
Fronts? Backs? Wets? Drys?
208
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,352
Ah. Well, I am gonna run
out of this room now
209
00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:25,355
And leave a comedically-
shaped hole in the wall.
210
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,315
That was already there
211
00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:29,192
From dad's
drunk driving accident.
212
00:09:29,278 --> 00:09:31,278
[peter]
nope! Running from farts!
213
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,742
Man, meg being pregnant
is almost as bad
214
00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:39,369
As when that other lady
was pregnant.
215
00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:42,080
'member? The lady
with the loose baked-eggs rack?
216
00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,207
-'member her?
-Peter, that was me.
217
00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:46,126
And no way
was I worse than this.
218
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,169
Well, maybe this'll turn out
better than you think,
219
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:51,631
Like eating edible underwear
in non-sexual situations.
220
00:09:51,717 --> 00:09:55,385
I can't believe you chose this
for your last meal.
221
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,929
Well, I guess
we're both "shocked" today.
222
00:09:58,015 --> 00:10:01,099
Okay, fellas, light me up.
223
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,393
You know what, he's funny.
224
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,437
Now I see why our daughter
got in that van.
225
00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:08,607
-[crackling]
-[peter] yibba yabba yoo!
226
00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:10,233
Well, maybe you're right.
227
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,319
I'm just glad
this day's finally over.
228
00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:14,487
-Night, peter.
-Night, lois.
229
00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:17,907
[meg]
mom! Dad!
230
00:10:17,993 --> 00:10:19,492
[groans]
just ignore her.
231
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:21,161
She'll tire herself out.
232
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,912
[meg]
dad! Mom!
233
00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:24,247
Please!
234
00:10:24,333 --> 00:10:26,249
Lois. The daughter's crying.
235
00:10:26,335 --> 00:10:28,209
[meg]
I'm super wide awake
236
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,211
And I want to eat something
really rank.
237
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:31,838
Lois, did you hear that?
238
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,840
[lois snoring]
239
00:10:33,884 --> 00:10:35,008
[sighs]
240
00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:37,260
Okay. I guess I got this one.
241
00:10:43,060 --> 00:10:45,352
Papa john,
I'm sorry to bother you,
242
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,354
But my pregnant daughter
asked that I bring her
243
00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,898
The worst pizza ever,
and yours is that.
244
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:52,150
You think we're worse
than lunchables?
245
00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:53,485
-Yes.
-7-eleven?
246
00:10:53,612 --> 00:10:55,362
Look, my friend,
my friend, my friend.
247
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,739
It's late,
we've done our research.
248
00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,366
The sauce,
the bread, the toppings,
249
00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:01,409
The way it's cooked,
the people cooking it,
250
00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:03,703
The way it tastes
like the box it comes in.
251
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,622
It's really, really the worst.
252
00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:08,199
I mean, you even make
butter dipping sauce terrible.
253
00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,919
Well, do you want the butter
sauce with the pizza or not?
254
00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,380
Yeah, no, give me
a bunch of everything.
255
00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:19,886
[sighs]
what do you want, chris?
256
00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:22,180
-Is it pump time yet?
-Why do you care?
257
00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:25,558
Meg, I'm a member of a very
specific dark web internet site.
258
00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:26,893
Don't try to find it,
you won't be able to.
259
00:11:27,062 --> 00:11:29,771
But this would be
fairly monumental there.
260
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,940
Mom, chris is being disgusting.
261
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,900
So are you.
We're all disgusting.
262
00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:36,111
-That's what family is.
-[groans]
263
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,113
I knew this was a bad idea.
264
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,614
Yeah, marriage blows.
265
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:41,491
No, I mean meg's pregnancy.
266
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,284
I wish we could
just fast-forward through
267
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,120
The next couple of months
until she gives birth
268
00:11:45,247 --> 00:11:47,414
And this whole thing blows over.
269
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:53,503
Well, team, I tried meth.
270
00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:58,425
All right, guys, looks
like I'm really liking meth.
271
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,345
Hey, guys, I need money.
272
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,597
Like, now.
Like, yesterday! Like, now!
273
00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,352
Hi, peter, my name is marcus.
274
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,104
Your family has written
some letters
275
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:12,605
They'd like to read to you.
276
00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:14,607
You liars!
277
00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:22,323
Weird easter this year.
278
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:26,077
Dad, you're back!
279
00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,996
Ah, we missed you so much.
280
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,497
Ah, I missed you guys.
281
00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:31,583
Meth was great,
but I guess it's bad.
282
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,501
I don't know, I'm not
really sold on that yet.
283
00:12:33,587 --> 00:12:35,044
We're proud of you, peter.
284
00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:38,331
Uh, guys?
I think my water just broke.
285
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:40,508
Oh, right,
I forgot we were doing that.
286
00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,471
[panting]
287
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,307
Well, I see nobody
brought me a doctor gift.
288
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,350
That's fine,
you still have a year.
289
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,811
Meg, I'm just going
to check the contractions.
290
00:12:51,897 --> 00:12:53,605
"should've, would've, hadn't,
291
00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:56,816
Ma'am, 'twas." oh, they're
getting closer together.
292
00:12:56,902 --> 00:12:59,360
It's coming! It's coming!
293
00:12:59,488 --> 00:13:01,571
Okay, we're out of gloves,
so I'm gonna catch it
294
00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:03,281
With this panda express bag.
295
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:04,824
Are you sure this
is safe?
296
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,534
Oh, yeah,
panda bags are medical-grade.
297
00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,077
Just never use a subway bag.
298
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:09,913
I've had, like, four
go right through.
299
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:11,915
Uhp, it's in the bag already.
300
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,416
It's a girl.
301
00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:15,335
What's that big
ol' vine coming out?
302
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,296
She looks like one of them
pumpkins in cinderella.
303
00:13:19,508 --> 00:13:21,674
♪ ♪
304
00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,636
She...
305
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,513
She's beautiful.
306
00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:28,598
[crying]
307
00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:31,592
Ooh, that's awful loud.
308
00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:34,437
Yeah, that's a pee-poo-mix
cry if I ever heard one.
309
00:13:34,523 --> 00:13:36,940
And it'll be a weird poo,
that first one, trust me.
310
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:38,775
You-you know
that volcano in hawaii
311
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:41,611
Where the lava just slowly rolls
through people's yards?
312
00:13:41,696 --> 00:13:43,196
It's like that, only poo.
313
00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:46,324
That does sound like
a lot to deal with.
314
00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:49,619
So, do you clean that up with,
like, kleenex and febreezes?
315
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:52,664
You know what, why don't
I take the first shift?
316
00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:55,792
Well, it would give us a chance
to finish doo-dadding her room.
317
00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,335
And we have to buy every product
318
00:13:57,462 --> 00:14:00,246
Of known baby expert
jessica alba.
319
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:02,674
Well, sounds like you guys
have a lot to talk about.
320
00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:05,093
Thanks, meg.
We'll text you tomorrow.
321
00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:08,429
Welcome to the world,
little liza judy barbra.
322
00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:12,350
All right, sush time for meg.
323
00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,519
I know you want
some hospital sush.
324
00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:17,105
No? Dad? Sush? Pepsi max?
325
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,148
Ma? Diet max? Sush?
326
00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:21,818
Chris? Max? Code red? Sush?
327
00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:24,571
No? Well, I'm getting
some sush and a max.
328
00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,364
I'll be at the cafeteria.
329
00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:29,325
Don't get the sush, guys.
330
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:37,292
[crying]
331
00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:42,213
Okay, okay, liza judy barbra.
332
00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:45,633
It's time for the bottle because
I forgot to tweeze my nips.
333
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,343
[crying]
334
00:14:47,462 --> 00:14:50,430
This is getting ridiculous.
It's been three days.
335
00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:53,308
Why haven't bruce and jeffrey
picked up their baby?
336
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:56,227
I don't know.
They're, like, super busy.
337
00:14:56,313 --> 00:14:57,854
Hey, look at the bright side,
lois.
338
00:14:57,981 --> 00:14:59,105
With that baby around,
you look like
339
00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:00,648
The hottest grandma in town.
340
00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:02,734
[scoffs]
the hottest grandma?
341
00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:04,861
The-the hottest grandma?
[chuckles]
342
00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:07,530
[cackles]
343
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:09,532
The hottest grandma!
344
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:12,702
Ha-ha! Well, I mean, okay.
345
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,913
The hottest grandma
should be jennifer aniston,
346
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,498
But the counting crows guy
wasn't ready to commit.
347
00:15:17,626 --> 00:15:20,752
Poor bastard thought
it was gonna be an endless run.
348
00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:25,882
That was bruce and jeffrey.
349
00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:29,302
They're not coming to get liza
judy barbra until tomorrow now.
350
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:30,887
Ugh. Why not?
351
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:33,222
Not that you guys care
about this sort of thing,
352
00:15:33,308 --> 00:15:35,266
But jeffrey wrote
a murder mystery that premieres
353
00:15:35,352 --> 00:15:38,102
Tonight at the cracker barrel
in sturbridge.
354
00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:40,104
Oh, no!
355
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:42,523
Yeah, but
if you's got to go...
356
00:15:42,651 --> 00:15:44,692
[dramatic sting plays]
357
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:51,991
I made this a cutaway
so I could see the show.
358
00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:56,371
Peekaboo!
359
00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:57,747
[speaking gibberish]
360
00:15:57,832 --> 00:15:59,248
[laughs]
361
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,542
-[laughing]
-[farting]
362
00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:09,384
[chuckles] yeah, yeah, it's
hard to laugh without farting.
363
00:16:09,419 --> 00:16:12,136
Feels like you and me are on the
same page about a lot of stuff.
364
00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:15,682
We work well together,
like the employees at t.J. Maxx.
365
00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:17,308
Hey, where should I put these?
366
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:19,310
Just throw them on the floor
and step on them.
367
00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:21,562
That's our founder's motto.
368
00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:24,816
[announcer] t.J. Maxx. Teach your kids to drive
369
00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,693
In our empty parking lot.
370
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:33,324
Guys, look.
371
00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:36,077
Look at me.
Now that I'm a hot grandma,
372
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,287
I bought one of those
novelty wine glasses
373
00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:40,915
That's big enough to hold
an entire bottle of wine.
374
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:43,292
Isn't that hilarious?
375
00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:46,713
It's okay.
376
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:48,172
That was worth it for the joke.
377
00:16:48,258 --> 00:16:49,549
You did good, lois.
378
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:51,259
You're building a comedic voice.
379
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:55,013
Okay. Here we go,
liza judy barbra.
380
00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:58,057
Your first strained peas.
381
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:02,311
Wow, she is the most memorable
382
00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:05,023
And endearing baby
I've ever seen.
383
00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:07,233
Okay, then.
384
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,068
[grunting]
385
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,654
Oh, I'm sorry, are you...
Are you almost done?
386
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,906
Oh, yeah, no, sorry,
I'm just, I'm doing sets.
387
00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:16,367
-I'm just doing little sets.
-Oh, cool, cool.
388
00:17:16,453 --> 00:17:18,202
-Guys, he's doing little sets.
-Cool, cool.
389
00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:19,787
-Little sets.
-Cool, cool.
390
00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:21,581
Meg, I am so impressed.
391
00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:24,125
Yeah, I had no idea
you could be so maternal.
392
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:26,586
I always saw you as
a "drive into the lake" mom.
393
00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:28,087
So did I, mom.
394
00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:31,090
But, honestly,
since liza judy barbra was born,
395
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:34,761
I feel like my life has
purpose for the first time.
396
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,220
[singsongy] knock-knock.
397
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:38,014
I know this may be
not a good time,
398
00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:40,141
But we just had
to come see our little angel.
399
00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:41,809
"had to come see"?
400
00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:43,144
Where have you two been?
401
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,271
Watching mamma mia
and making popovers.
402
00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:47,065
What is wrong with you two?
403
00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:48,983
How irresponsible can you be?
404
00:17:49,027 --> 00:17:51,110
I mean, this is your daughter
you abandoned.
405
00:17:51,196 --> 00:17:53,362
Abandoned?
We wanted to come over,
406
00:17:53,448 --> 00:17:55,698
But meg kept saying
it was a bad time.
407
00:17:55,784 --> 00:17:58,242
Meg, is that true?
408
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:05,166
[sighs]
this baby needs me.
409
00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:07,877
It's the first living thing
that's ever needed me.
410
00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:10,546
For once, my life has purpose.
411
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:11,964
And I'm good at this.
412
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:13,800
Better than these two, anyway.
413
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:15,301
Maybe she's right.
414
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,845
What businesses
do we have raising a child?
415
00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:20,264
And how's is we supposed
to pay for her school?
416
00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:22,517
With our tesla
and cashmere money?
417
00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:23,935
I don't think so.
418
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:26,521
We could dip into
our boozy brunch fund.
419
00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:27,814
Don't you dare.
420
00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:29,398
Oh, listen to me.
421
00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:32,068
I wouldn't know
how to raise a baby.
422
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:35,238
I'm sure she knows that, too.
423
00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:37,365
♪ ♪
424
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:39,909
Gaga.
425
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:41,536
[gasps] gaga?
426
00:18:41,663 --> 00:18:42,912
Bruce, did you hear that?
427
00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:45,498
She said her first gay icon.
428
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:46,666
Jeanne tripplehorn.
429
00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:50,044
Oh, my god,
a second, lesser-known gay icon.
430
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:51,796
She wants her daddies.
431
00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:53,256
Meg, I'm sorry.
432
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:56,092
I know we're not perfect,
but no parent is.
433
00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:57,760
And this is our child.
434
00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:59,137
She belongs with us.
435
00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:01,806
But you don't know anything
about raising a child.
436
00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:03,141
No one does.
437
00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:05,935
That's why two out of three
don't turn out right.
438
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:08,187
But that doesn't mean
you don't try.
439
00:19:08,273 --> 00:19:10,273
♪ ♪
440
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:16,612
Meg, we'll always appreciate
what you've done for us.
441
00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:20,032
And you'll always be a part
of liza judy barbra's life.
442
00:19:20,201 --> 00:19:23,452
Yeah. You'll always be
that slightly creepy teen
443
00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:26,914
Who birthed our baby and then
we gradually lost touch with.
444
00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:28,749
You better promise.
445
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,376
-We do.
-We do.
446
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,253
In that case...
447
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:36,716
...I'll take a chance on you.
448
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,509
[off-key]
♪ if you're all alone ♪
449
00:19:38,595 --> 00:19:40,720
♪ when the pretty birds have flown... ♪
450
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:44,182
-No!
-That can't be the first time
our baby hears abba.
451
00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:47,101
That's right. It should be
at a jockstrap foam rave
452
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:48,811
In miami beach, same as me.
453
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:50,563
What? Wait!
454
00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:52,315
But-but I'm the hot grandma!
455
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,692
[gasps]
you're a grandma?
456
00:19:54,777 --> 00:19:56,819
You look amazing!
457
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,946
Oh, you. Come on.
458
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,240
Could a grandma wear this
to a spin class?
459
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:04,035
I mean, yes, she could,
because I did,
460
00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:05,912
So that happened.
461
00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:06,946
Thank you, meg.
462
00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:08,623
You've completed our family.
463
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,959
We have our baby
and we have you.
464
00:20:12,086 --> 00:20:13,294
Well, I guess that means
465
00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:15,796
I can get rid
of all my hot grandma merch.
466
00:20:15,924 --> 00:20:17,965
I'll just donate it to goodwill.
467
00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:20,134
You know what "gilf" means,
right?
468
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:22,637
Yeah. "god, I love fentanyl."
469
00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:24,347
You said it, pal.
470
00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:32,021
Well, bruce and jeffrey,
I got to say,
471
00:20:32,106 --> 00:20:33,648
You two have really stepped up
472
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,691
To become
a couple of great dads.
473
00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:36,776
Thank you, lois.
474
00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,069
You sound a bit surprised,
475
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:40,571
Which seems right
for a woman with that haircut,
476
00:20:40,657 --> 00:20:43,032
But you're sweet to say so.
477
00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,784
-[fussing]
-uh-oh.
478
00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:47,119
Someone's being
a little fussy britches.
479
00:20:47,205 --> 00:20:48,412
Oh, she's tired.
480
00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:50,790
You get the lights
and I'll sing her to sleep.
481
00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:52,333
[fussing continues]
482
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,961
[imitating thumping
club bass beat]
483
00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:57,463
[fussing stops]
484
00:20:57,590 --> 00:21:00,299
Yeah, that seems about right
for a guy with that haircut.
485
00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:02,510
[quietly] thank you, peter.
34362
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