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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,746 --> 00:00:07,747
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
3
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♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
4
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,581 --> 00:00:18,124
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,135 --> 00:00:21,386
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪
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What are you up to there, Stewie?
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Big birthday party today,
just finishing up my card.
12
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"Happy birthday, Gurt"?
13
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Yeah, it's short for "yogurt."
14
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His mom is a doula
and his dad is a doula.
15
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I like the blue truck.
16
00:00:49,970 --> 00:00:51,636
Thanks. It was supposed
to be a fire engine,
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00:00:51,790 --> 00:00:53,665
but I couldn't find the red glitter pen.
18
00:00:53,919 --> 00:00:56,545
Well, that's our
long-form tax return done.
19
00:00:56,565 --> 00:00:58,273
I could be wrong, but I think
20
00:00:58,284 --> 00:00:59,981
we're getting a million dollars back.
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00:00:59,992 --> 00:01:02,435
Oh, I'm glad you're
here. I ran out of bleach
22
00:01:02,446 --> 00:01:04,363
halfway through my
mustache treatment today,
23
00:01:04,374 --> 00:01:06,291
so, Peter, I'm gonna
need you to take Stewie
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00:01:06,302 --> 00:01:07,718
to the bowling alley for a party.
25
00:01:07,951 --> 00:01:09,451
Hey, Meg, I'm gonna
need you to take Stewie
26
00:01:09,462 --> 00:01:11,087
to the bowling alley for a party.
27
00:01:11,098 --> 00:01:12,765
I just learned the word "delegate."
28
00:01:13,252 --> 00:01:15,740
No skin off my sack. I
love the bowling alley.
29
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I'm coming, too.
30
00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:19,419
They got a new claw
machine with a bra in it.
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We sure raised a few
fine delegates, huh?
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Peter, I don't think you
learned the word "delegate."
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I will not be delegated in my own house.
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This is gonna be fun, Stewie.
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00:01:29,941 --> 00:01:31,923
Yeah, I'm pumped.
Partying's in our blood.
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We even had ancestors
at the Boston tea party.
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All right, let's stick it to the British
38
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and throw this tea overboard.
39
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How about this Earl Grey?
40
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Okay, you know what,
let's keep the Earl Grey.
41
00:01:41,443 --> 00:01:43,333
We-we all have to
have breakfast, right?
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00:01:43,344 --> 00:01:46,229
- Here goes the chamomile.
- No, no, no. You throw that out,
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you're throwing my
good night's sleep away.
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00:01:48,193 --> 00:01:50,149
How about this throat
coat with echinacea?
45
00:01:50,234 --> 00:01:51,593
Okay, you guys are gonna hate me,
46
00:01:51,604 --> 00:01:53,277
but we're coming up
on cold and flu season.
47
00:01:53,288 --> 00:01:54,913
And I just think that
would be irresponsible.
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- Well, what about...
- You know what, let's just boil some water
49
00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:59,709
and write 'em a strongly-worded letter.
50
00:02:04,605 --> 00:02:05,707
Here you go, Meg.
51
00:02:05,718 --> 00:02:08,260
You's all in lane six
with Gurt's mother.
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Everybody wins.
Everybody wins here today.
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Gurt, get your hand out of your pants!
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Thanks, Bruce.
55
00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:15,800
Hey, want to put
quesadillas in our mouths
56
00:02:15,811 --> 00:02:17,751
and flip through a
people magazine later?
57
00:02:17,762 --> 00:02:20,263
Oh, I'd love to, but
this is our busiest day.
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00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,640
I got five parties
and that guy over there
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00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:25,685
insists he can only bowl
like Fred Flintstone.
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00:02:26,211 --> 00:02:28,312
Dad, you were coming
here the whole time?
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00:02:28,472 --> 00:02:31,098
I don't have to tell you things
I'm keeping secret from you.
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All right, Bruce, I'm up.
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Yibba yabba yoo!
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Stewie, William, you're up.
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00:02:52,382 --> 00:02:55,583
Well, well, well, looks like
the new kid got a pity invite.
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00:02:55,594 --> 00:02:56,718
My name's William.
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00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,093
I've been on six airplanes.
68
00:02:59,356 --> 00:03:00,586
You do sports, William?
69
00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:02,606
You ever get your ass
handed to you, sports-wise?
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00:03:03,057 --> 00:03:05,266
Not yet, Stewie, but if
you throw the ball the way
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00:03:05,277 --> 00:03:08,195
you threw back that cake,
you should be in good shape.
72
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:10,238
Hope you got another set of pins, Bruce,
73
00:03:10,249 --> 00:03:12,655
'cause this one's about to explode.
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00:03:12,666 --> 00:03:14,578
Well, call me Norma Rae,
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00:03:14,589 --> 00:03:16,425
'cause you're about to see a strike.
76
00:03:16,436 --> 00:03:18,561
I watch a lot of movies
at my grandma's house.
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00:03:20,486 --> 00:03:22,694
- On three?
- Oops.
78
00:03:58,175 --> 00:04:00,759
Yes! And then there were nine.
79
00:04:01,118 --> 00:04:02,242
It's not fair!
80
00:04:02,253 --> 00:04:04,795
Someone else was using
my lucky dinosaur ramp!
81
00:04:04,806 --> 00:04:07,119
Can't beat the old strike-a-saurus!
82
00:04:07,439 --> 00:04:09,398
♪ Open the door, get on the floor ♪
83
00:04:09,469 --> 00:04:12,271
♪ Everybody bowl that dinosaur. ♪
84
00:04:16,584 --> 00:04:17,958
Are you here for shoes?
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00:04:18,074 --> 00:04:19,907
Yeah, but I'm not sure what size I am.
86
00:04:20,403 --> 00:04:22,376
The sizing line's right over there.
87
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:24,387
Just put your bare foot on my stomach
88
00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:27,065
and I can tell you your shoe size.
89
00:04:27,209 --> 00:04:29,084
I don't know. Next.
90
00:04:29,460 --> 00:04:30,751
Little higher.
91
00:04:30,762 --> 00:04:32,678
I don't know. Next.
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00:04:34,064 --> 00:04:35,580
That'll do, Pig.
93
00:04:35,591 --> 00:04:36,943
That'll do.
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00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:41,024
Peter, you're up.
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00:04:41,460 --> 00:04:43,573
Just got to dry my hands first.
96
00:04:43,875 --> 00:04:45,499
Ooh, how embarrassing.
97
00:04:45,510 --> 00:04:48,427
What an unexpected, sexy turn of events.
98
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:49,996
So, did you guys know that
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Marilyn's real name was Norma Jean?
100
00:04:52,018 --> 00:04:53,481
Mm-hmm.
101
00:04:53,492 --> 00:04:56,511
And if you said hello to Bernard
Schwartz, you'd be saying...
102
00:04:56,522 --> 00:04:58,481
Saying hello to Tony
Curtis. Yes, we know.
103
00:04:58,644 --> 00:05:01,660
"Better smile when
you say that, pilgrim."
104
00:05:01,671 --> 00:05:04,456
Marion Morrison, aka John Wayne.
105
00:05:04,467 --> 00:05:07,176
Yep, we remember from the
list you emailed us, Joe.
106
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:10,141
You know, Kennedy's
secretary was named Lincoln,
107
00:05:10,152 --> 00:05:12,303
and Lincoln's secretary
was named Kennedy.
108
00:05:12,314 --> 00:05:14,481
- Kind of makes you think, huh?
- About what?
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00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:18,761
Secretaries.
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Sorry we left such a mess.
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00:05:25,016 --> 00:05:27,058
- Let me help you with that.
- Thanks, Meg.
112
00:05:27,259 --> 00:05:29,025
Oop, looks like more vomit,
113
00:05:29,036 --> 00:05:31,786
and I done run out of
kitty litter to soak it up.
114
00:05:31,797 --> 00:05:34,498
That's all right, I always
keep a small bag in my purse.
115
00:05:34,785 --> 00:05:36,792
You keep kitty litter in your purse?
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00:05:36,919 --> 00:05:40,068
Well, there's not always
a bathroom when I need one.
117
00:05:40,079 --> 00:05:42,924
I don't know how you handle
all these kids every week.
118
00:05:42,935 --> 00:05:44,976
Oh, I don't mind. I like children.
119
00:05:44,987 --> 00:05:46,528
Always wanted one of my own.
120
00:05:46,688 --> 00:05:48,396
Someone I could raise
a little bit better
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00:05:48,407 --> 00:05:49,698
than my parents did me.
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00:05:49,934 --> 00:05:51,775
You'd be a great dad, Bruce.
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00:05:52,113 --> 00:05:53,893
You should totally have a kid.
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00:05:53,904 --> 00:05:55,886
I don't know if you knew this, but it's
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00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:58,564
anatomically impossible
for a man to get pregnant.
126
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:00,265
Even Lindsey Graham?
127
00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:03,110
Well, he's certainly giving
it the ol' college try.
128
00:06:03,291 --> 00:06:05,163
But I guess it's just not in the cards
129
00:06:05,174 --> 00:06:06,381
for Jeffrey and me.
130
00:06:06,427 --> 00:06:08,928
After all, you can't
make a bun without a oven.
131
00:06:09,392 --> 00:06:11,410
Well, I have an oven.
132
00:06:11,495 --> 00:06:13,120
I mean, it may not close all the way,
133
00:06:13,626 --> 00:06:16,499
and it's definitely not
self-cleaning, but it works.
134
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,677
You should thank your
lucky stars for that.
135
00:06:18,688 --> 00:06:20,354
Well, I don't know if you've noticed,
136
00:06:20,365 --> 00:06:23,033
but I don't exactly
have a lot of suitors.
137
00:06:23,044 --> 00:06:24,757
It might be because you's going potty
138
00:06:24,768 --> 00:06:26,226
in your purse all the time.
139
00:06:26,311 --> 00:06:28,853
But at least you's able to have a baby.
140
00:06:29,735 --> 00:06:30,847
You're right.
141
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,858
I can have a baby.
142
00:06:33,796 --> 00:06:35,258
Mom, Dad.
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00:06:35,269 --> 00:06:37,311
I'm having Bruce and Jeffrey's baby.
144
00:06:37,651 --> 00:06:39,021
That's wonderful.
145
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,669
What do you say we take this
party to the top of the stairs?
146
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:46,049
It's not an abortion, it's an "oopsie."
147
00:06:51,444 --> 00:06:53,415
Meg, there is no way you are having
148
00:06:53,426 --> 00:06:55,772
Bruce and Jeffrey's baby. I forbid it.
149
00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:59,058
We agreed no more kids in the
house unless it's young Sheldon.
150
00:06:59,069 --> 00:07:00,960
Boy, is that kid a pepper pot.
151
00:07:01,161 --> 00:07:02,702
It's not what you guys think.
152
00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:03,879
I'm gonna be a surrogate.
153
00:07:04,100 --> 00:07:05,589
But don't you need an egg?
154
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,684
Or-or is that... Is that
a bad question to ask
155
00:07:07,885 --> 00:07:09,802
now that penises and
vaginas mean nothing?
156
00:07:09,887 --> 00:07:11,929
Jeffrey and Bruce already picked out
157
00:07:11,940 --> 00:07:13,440
an egg donor from a website.
158
00:07:13,525 --> 00:07:14,774
Okay, as your father,
159
00:07:14,943 --> 00:07:16,443
I'd like to say something.
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00:07:16,454 --> 00:07:18,885
You can just get hot
eggs off the internet?
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00:07:18,896 --> 00:07:21,188
Wh-what, uh, what, uh,
what, uh, wh-wha... uh,
162
00:07:21,199 --> 00:07:23,992
Wh-wha-what website?
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00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:25,952
Meg, this is serious.
164
00:07:26,439 --> 00:07:28,362
Pregnancy is not
something you do for money
165
00:07:28,373 --> 00:07:30,373
or to keep a certain
professional athlete interested
166
00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:32,274
after he blocks your number.
167
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,827
You're gonna ruin your life,
and I won't have any part of it.
168
00:07:34,912 --> 00:07:37,955
Well, too bad, 'cause I'm
18 and you can't stop me.
169
00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:41,292
Dang, no more sush for
Meg for nine whole months.
170
00:07:41,609 --> 00:07:43,777
That's honestly what you're
taking away from all this?
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00:07:43,788 --> 00:07:45,830
Well, yeah. I'm still getting sush.
172
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:48,257
Anyone else for sush? Dad, sush?
173
00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:50,268
Ma, sush? Chris, sush?
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00:07:50,279 --> 00:07:51,904
Meg, no sush. Don't even answer, Meg.
175
00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:53,971
She's like, "Aw, I want sush so bad."
176
00:07:53,982 --> 00:07:56,608
I'm like, "No, no, Meg, no sush, babe."
177
00:07:56,693 --> 00:07:58,350
Anyway, I'm gonna go
out and get some sush.
178
00:07:58,361 --> 00:08:00,014
I'll be at CVS.
179
00:08:05,035 --> 00:08:07,739
Aw, this is embarrassing.
We wore the same thing.
180
00:08:07,750 --> 00:08:10,905
Let it be noted that I was
the one to change this time.
181
00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:12,874
Anyway, good news. The fertilization
182
00:08:12,946 --> 00:08:15,655
of the hella-more-attractive
egg was a success.
183
00:08:15,945 --> 00:08:17,486
Brucie, we did it.
184
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,622
I'm gonna dress him
in political t-shirts
185
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,758
he can't even begin to understand.
186
00:08:21,959 --> 00:08:23,667
Yes, so now we just have to implant
187
00:08:23,984 --> 00:08:26,378
that very hot embryo into Meg's body.
188
00:08:26,487 --> 00:08:27,987
- Is this gonna hurt?
- Not at all.
189
00:08:28,405 --> 00:08:30,864
Nurse, wheel in the implantation cannon.
190
00:08:30,875 --> 00:08:32,247
You guys are gonna love this thing.
191
00:08:32,258 --> 00:08:35,260
A clown died in there, but
I think we got him all out.
192
00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:57,699
Can someone please go get
me a cup of buffalo sauce
193
00:08:57,710 --> 00:08:59,477
and a hollowed-out
pickle to use as a straw
194
00:08:59,488 --> 00:09:01,029
to suck up the sauce?
195
00:09:01,570 --> 00:09:03,799
Fine, but I'm making
you a grilled cheese.
196
00:09:03,810 --> 00:09:06,070
And not because I
support this pregnancy.
197
00:09:06,081 --> 00:09:08,346
I just enjoy making
passive-aggressive grilled cheeses
198
00:09:08,431 --> 00:09:10,118
for people and then saying, "Here,
199
00:09:10,129 --> 00:09:12,424
here's your freakin' grilled cheese."
200
00:09:13,092 --> 00:09:14,793
Hey, Meg?
201
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:16,891
How many farts you
been blasting off today?
202
00:09:16,902 --> 00:09:18,780
We talking bigs and smalls?
203
00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:20,837
Fronts? Backs? Wets? Drys?
204
00:09:20,848 --> 00:09:23,018
Ah. Well, I am gonna
run out of this room now
205
00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:25,947
and leave a comedically-shaped
hole in the wall.
206
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:27,982
That was already there
207
00:09:27,993 --> 00:09:30,159
from Dad's drunk driving accident.
208
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:31,647
Nope! Running from farts!
209
00:09:36,171 --> 00:09:38,450
Man, Meg being pregnant is almost as bad
210
00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:40,473
as when that other lady was pregnant.
211
00:09:40,484 --> 00:09:43,257
'Member? The lady with
the loose baked-eggs rack?
212
00:09:43,268 --> 00:09:45,268
- 'Member her?
- Peter, that was me.
213
00:09:45,279 --> 00:09:47,196
And no way was I worse than this.
214
00:09:47,207 --> 00:09:49,123
Well, maybe this'll turn
out better than you think,
215
00:09:49,178 --> 00:09:52,298
Like eating edible underwear
in non-sexual situations.
216
00:09:53,545 --> 00:09:55,977
I can't believe you chose
this for your last meal.
217
00:09:56,326 --> 00:09:59,065
Well, I guess we're
both "shocked" today.
218
00:09:59,076 --> 00:10:01,923
Okay, fellas, light me up.
219
00:10:02,220 --> 00:10:04,059
You know what, he's funny.
220
00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:06,145
Now I see why our
daughter got in that van.
221
00:10:06,230 --> 00:10:09,273
Yibba yabba yoo!
222
00:10:09,672 --> 00:10:11,213
Well, maybe you're right.
223
00:10:11,224 --> 00:10:13,545
I'm just glad this day's finally over.
224
00:10:13,556 --> 00:10:15,639
- Night, Peter.
- Night, Lois.
225
00:10:16,536 --> 00:10:18,786
Mom! Dad!
226
00:10:18,797 --> 00:10:20,183
Just ignore her.
227
00:10:20,194 --> 00:10:21,735
She'll tire herself out.
228
00:10:22,365 --> 00:10:24,201
Dad! Mom!
229
00:10:24,212 --> 00:10:25,558
Please!
230
00:10:25,569 --> 00:10:27,304
Lois. The daughter's crying.
231
00:10:27,315 --> 00:10:29,070
I'm super wide awake
232
00:10:29,081 --> 00:10:31,340
and I want to eat something really rank.
233
00:10:31,351 --> 00:10:32,678
Lois, did you hear that?
234
00:10:34,864 --> 00:10:38,240
Okay. I guess I got this one.
235
00:10:44,407 --> 00:10:46,406
Papa John, I'm sorry to bother you,
236
00:10:46,417 --> 00:10:48,334
but my pregnant daughter
asked that I bring her
237
00:10:48,377 --> 00:10:50,801
the worst pizza ever, and yours is that.
238
00:10:50,812 --> 00:10:53,036
You think we're worse than Lunchables?
239
00:10:53,047 --> 00:10:54,581
- Yes.
- 7-Eleven?
240
00:10:54,891 --> 00:10:56,544
Look, my friend, my friend, my friend.
241
00:10:56,555 --> 00:10:58,692
It's late, we've done our research.
242
00:10:58,703 --> 00:11:00,578
The sauce, the bread, the toppings,
243
00:11:00,589 --> 00:11:02,807
the way it's cooked,
the people cooking it,
244
00:11:02,818 --> 00:11:04,799
the way it tastes like
the box it comes in.
245
00:11:04,810 --> 00:11:06,602
It's really, really the worst.
246
00:11:06,728 --> 00:11:09,220
I mean, you even make butter
dipping sauce terrible.
247
00:11:09,347 --> 00:11:12,015
Well, do you want the butter
sauce with the pizza or not?
248
00:11:12,178 --> 00:11:14,086
Yeah, no, give me a bunch of everything.
249
00:11:19,023 --> 00:11:20,940
What do you want, Chris?
250
00:11:20,951 --> 00:11:23,160
- Is it pump time yet?
- Why do you care?
251
00:11:23,423 --> 00:11:26,538
Meg, I'm a member of a very
specific dark web internet site.
252
00:11:26,624 --> 00:11:27,999
Don't try to find it,
you won't be able to.
253
00:11:28,010 --> 00:11:30,719
But this would be
fairly monumental there.
254
00:11:30,952 --> 00:11:32,994
Mom, Chris is being disgusting.
255
00:11:33,005 --> 00:11:34,880
So are you. We're all disgusting.
256
00:11:34,891 --> 00:11:37,017
That's what family is.
257
00:11:37,250 --> 00:11:39,167
I knew this was a bad idea.
258
00:11:39,178 --> 00:11:40,594
Yeah, marriage blows.
259
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,471
No, I mean Meg's pregnancy.
260
00:11:42,673 --> 00:11:44,339
I wish we could just
fast-forward through
261
00:11:44,350 --> 00:11:46,208
the next couple of months
until she gives birth
262
00:11:46,219 --> 00:11:48,087
and this whole thing blows over.
263
00:11:51,890 --> 00:11:53,878
Well, team, I tried meth.
264
00:11:56,864 --> 00:11:59,270
All right, guys, looks
like I'm really liking meth.
265
00:12:02,104 --> 00:12:03,441
Hey, guys, I need money.
266
00:12:03,452 --> 00:12:05,577
Like, now. Like, yesterday! Like, now!
267
00:12:08,543 --> 00:12:10,470
Hi, Peter, my name is Marcus.
268
00:12:10,481 --> 00:12:12,189
Your family has written some letters
269
00:12:12,211 --> 00:12:13,585
they'd like to read to you.
270
00:12:13,596 --> 00:12:15,512
You liars!
271
00:12:21,178 --> 00:12:22,949
Weird Easter this year.
272
00:12:25,505 --> 00:12:27,151
Dad, you're back!
273
00:12:27,162 --> 00:12:28,995
Ah, we missed you so much.
274
00:12:29,251 --> 00:12:30,667
Ah, I missed you guys.
275
00:12:30,678 --> 00:12:32,637
Meth was great, but I guess it's bad.
276
00:12:32,723 --> 00:12:34,556
I don't know, I'm not
really sold on that yet.
277
00:12:34,567 --> 00:12:35,874
We're proud of you, Peter.
278
00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:39,451
Uh, guys? I think my water just broke.
279
00:12:39,462 --> 00:12:41,211
Oh, right, I forgot we were doing that.
280
00:12:45,787 --> 00:12:48,403
Well, I see nobody
brought me a doctor gift.
281
00:12:48,764 --> 00:12:50,680
That's fine, you still have a year.
282
00:12:50,691 --> 00:12:52,866
Meg, I'm just going to
check the contractions.
283
00:12:53,270 --> 00:12:54,978
"Should've, would've, hadn't,
284
00:12:54,989 --> 00:12:57,871
Ma'am, 'twas." Oh, they're
getting closer together.
285
00:12:57,999 --> 00:13:00,457
It's coming! It's coming!
286
00:13:00,584 --> 00:13:02,667
Okay, we're out of gloves,
so I'm gonna catch it
287
00:13:02,678 --> 00:13:04,261
with this panda express bag.
288
00:13:04,346 --> 00:13:05,804
Are you sure this is safe?
289
00:13:05,815 --> 00:13:07,398
Oh, yeah, panda bags are medical-grade.
290
00:13:07,641 --> 00:13:09,057
Just never use a subway bag.
291
00:13:09,143 --> 00:13:10,893
I've had, like, four go right through.
292
00:13:11,094 --> 00:13:12,969
Uhp, it's in the bag already.
293
00:13:13,492 --> 00:13:14,678
It's a girl.
294
00:13:14,689 --> 00:13:16,522
What's that big ol' vine coming out?
295
00:13:16,533 --> 00:13:19,409
She looks like one of them
pumpkins in Cinderella.
296
00:13:24,305 --> 00:13:25,616
She...
297
00:13:25,627 --> 00:13:27,371
She's beautiful.
298
00:13:30,943 --> 00:13:32,767
Ooh, that's awful loud.
299
00:13:32,852 --> 00:13:35,492
Yeah, that's a pee-poo-mix
cry if I ever heard one.
300
00:13:35,693 --> 00:13:38,110
And it'll be a weird poo,
that first one, trust me.
301
00:13:38,121 --> 00:13:39,829
You-you know that volcano in Hawaii
302
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,905
where the lava just slowly
rolls through people's yards?
303
00:13:42,916 --> 00:13:44,680
It's like that, only poo.
304
00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:47,420
That does sound like a lot to deal with.
305
00:13:47,431 --> 00:13:50,599
So, do you clean that up with,
like, Kleenex and Febreezes?
306
00:13:51,384 --> 00:13:54,013
You know what, why don't
I take the first shift?
307
00:13:54,024 --> 00:13:56,805
Well, it would give us a chance
to finish doo-dadding her room.
308
00:13:57,089 --> 00:13:58,588
And we have to buy every product
309
00:13:58,599 --> 00:14:01,383
of known baby expert Jessica Alba.
310
00:14:01,394 --> 00:14:03,770
Well, sounds like you guys
have a lot to talk about.
311
00:14:03,939 --> 00:14:06,231
Thanks, Meg. We'll text you tomorrow.
312
00:14:06,307 --> 00:14:09,474
Welcome to the world,
little Liza Judy Barbra.
313
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:13,627
All right, sush time for Meg.
314
00:14:13,638 --> 00:14:15,722
I know you want some hospital sush.
315
00:14:15,733 --> 00:14:18,234
No? Dad? Sush? Pepsi max?
316
00:14:18,384 --> 00:14:20,342
Ma? Diet max? Sush?
317
00:14:20,408 --> 00:14:23,067
Chris? Max? Code red? Sush?
318
00:14:23,078 --> 00:14:25,746
No? Well, I'm getting
some sush and a max.
319
00:14:25,910 --> 00:14:27,576
I'll be at the cafeteria.
320
00:14:28,639 --> 00:14:30,305
Don't get the sush, guys.
321
00:14:40,878 --> 00:14:43,648
Okay, okay, Liza Judy Barbra.
322
00:14:43,659 --> 00:14:46,688
It's time for the bottle because
I forgot to tweeze my nips.
323
00:14:49,636 --> 00:14:52,197
This is getting ridiculous.
It's been three days.
324
00:14:52,208 --> 00:14:54,744
Why haven't Bruce and
Jeffrey picked up their baby?
325
00:14:54,755 --> 00:14:57,282
I don't know. They're, like, super busy.
326
00:14:57,293 --> 00:14:58,834
Hey, look at the bright side, Lois.
327
00:14:58,845 --> 00:15:00,257
With that baby around, you look like
328
00:15:00,268 --> 00:15:01,726
the hottest grandma in town.
329
00:15:01,871 --> 00:15:03,830
The hottest grandma?
330
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:05,957
The-the hottest grandma?
331
00:15:08,837 --> 00:15:10,670
The hottest grandma!
332
00:15:10,681 --> 00:15:13,682
Ha-ha! Well, I mean, okay.
333
00:15:13,925 --> 00:15:16,108
The hottest grandma
should be Jennifer Aniston,
334
00:15:16,119 --> 00:15:18,577
but the counting crows
guy wasn't ready to commit.
335
00:15:19,045 --> 00:15:21,609
Poor bastard thought it
was gonna be an endless run.
336
00:15:25,628 --> 00:15:27,464
That was Bruce and Jeffrey.
337
00:15:27,475 --> 00:15:30,398
They're not coming to get Liza
Judy Barbra until tomorrow now.
338
00:15:30,784 --> 00:15:32,242
Ugh. Why not?
339
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,277
Not that you guys care
about this sort of thing,
340
00:15:34,363 --> 00:15:36,734
but Jeffrey wrote a murder
mystery that premieres
341
00:15:36,745 --> 00:15:39,495
tonight at the cracker
barrel in Sturbridge.
342
00:15:40,006 --> 00:15:41,445
Oh, no!
343
00:15:41,456 --> 00:15:43,819
Yeah, but if you's got to go...
344
00:15:49,807 --> 00:15:52,750
I made this a cutaway
so I could see the show.
345
00:15:56,318 --> 00:15:57,467
Peekaboo!
346
00:16:07,679 --> 00:16:11,000
Yeah, yeah, it's
hard to laugh without farting.
347
00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:13,728
Feels like you and me are on the
same page about a lot of stuff.
348
00:16:13,739 --> 00:16:17,158
We work well together, like
the employees at T.J. Maxx.
349
00:16:17,169 --> 00:16:18,668
Hey, where should I put these?
350
00:16:18,679 --> 00:16:20,595
Just throw them on the
floor and step on them.
351
00:16:20,681 --> 00:16:22,847
That's our founder's motto.
352
00:16:23,636 --> 00:16:25,887
T.J. Maxx. Teach your kids to drive
353
00:16:25,898 --> 00:16:27,690
in our empty parking lot.
354
00:16:33,215 --> 00:16:34,684
Guys, look.
355
00:16:35,236 --> 00:16:37,436
Look at me. Now that I'm a hot grandma,
356
00:16:37,447 --> 00:16:39,572
I bought one of those
novelty wine glasses
357
00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:42,125
that's big enough to hold
an entire bottle of wine.
358
00:16:42,326 --> 00:16:44,617
Isn't that hilarious?
359
00:16:46,804 --> 00:16:49,457
It's okay.
That was worth it for the joke.
360
00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:52,544
You did good, Lois.
You're building a comedic voice.
361
00:16:52,629 --> 00:16:56,581
Okay. Here we go, Liza Judy Barbra.
362
00:16:56,592 --> 00:16:59,509
Your first strained peas.
363
00:17:01,305 --> 00:17:03,596
Wow, she is the most memorable
364
00:17:03,682 --> 00:17:06,308
and endearing baby I've ever seen.
365
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:08,518
Okay, then.
366
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:12,939
Oh, I'm sorry, are you...
are you almost done?
367
00:17:13,025 --> 00:17:15,191
Oh, yeah, no, sorry,
I'm just, I'm doing sets.
368
00:17:15,277 --> 00:17:17,652
- I'm just doing little sets.
- Oh, cool, cool.
369
00:17:17,792 --> 00:17:19,541
- Guys, he's doing little sets.
- Cool, cool.
370
00:17:19,614 --> 00:17:21,072
- Little sets.
- Cool, cool.
371
00:17:21,158 --> 00:17:22,866
Meg, I am so impressed.
372
00:17:22,951 --> 00:17:25,410
Yeah, I had no idea you
could be so maternal.
373
00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:27,945
I always saw you as a
"drive into the lake" mom.
374
00:17:28,114 --> 00:17:29,389
So did I, mom.
375
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,607
But, honestly, since
Liza Judy Barbra was born,
376
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:36,162
I feel like my life has
purpose for the first time.
377
00:17:36,173 --> 00:17:37,505
Knock-knock.
378
00:17:37,591 --> 00:17:39,299
I know this may be not a good time,
379
00:17:39,310 --> 00:17:41,352
but we just had to come
see our little angel.
380
00:17:41,586 --> 00:17:43,169
"Had to come see"?
381
00:17:43,180 --> 00:17:44,429
Where have you two been?
382
00:17:44,514 --> 00:17:46,556
Watching Mamma Mia and making popovers.
383
00:17:46,757 --> 00:17:48,466
What is wrong with you two?
384
00:17:48,510 --> 00:17:50,301
How irresponsible can you be?
385
00:17:50,312 --> 00:17:52,395
I mean, this is your
daughter you abandoned.
386
00:17:52,556 --> 00:17:54,722
Abandoned? We wanted to come over,
387
00:17:54,733 --> 00:17:56,983
but Meg kept saying it was a bad time.
388
00:17:57,389 --> 00:17:59,388
Meg, is that true?
389
00:18:03,768 --> 00:18:06,523
This baby needs me.
390
00:18:06,534 --> 00:18:09,076
It's the first living
thing that's ever needed me.
391
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,864
For once, my life has purpose.
392
00:18:11,875 --> 00:18:13,249
And I'm good at this.
393
00:18:13,377 --> 00:18:15,085
Better than these two, anyway.
394
00:18:15,444 --> 00:18:16,818
Maybe she's right.
395
00:18:16,909 --> 00:18:19,326
What businesses do we
have raising a child?
396
00:18:19,461 --> 00:18:21,841
And how's is we supposed
to pay for her school?
397
00:18:21,852 --> 00:18:24,019
With our Tesla and cashmere money?
398
00:18:24,030 --> 00:18:25,321
I don't think so.
399
00:18:25,398 --> 00:18:27,899
We could dip into our boozy brunch fund.
400
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:29,282
Don't you dare.
401
00:18:29,293 --> 00:18:30,750
Oh, listen to me.
402
00:18:30,918 --> 00:18:33,502
I wouldn't know how to raise a baby.
403
00:18:34,024 --> 00:18:36,523
I'm sure she knows that, too.
404
00:18:40,186 --> 00:18:41,310
Gaga.
405
00:18:41,427 --> 00:18:42,927
Gaga?
406
00:18:42,948 --> 00:18:44,345
Bruce, did you hear that?
407
00:18:44,356 --> 00:18:46,857
She said her first gay icon.
408
00:18:46,868 --> 00:18:48,179
Jeanne Tripplehorn.
409
00:18:48,190 --> 00:18:51,404
Oh, my god, a second,
lesser-known gay icon.
410
00:18:51,415 --> 00:18:53,081
She wants her daddies.
411
00:18:53,272 --> 00:18:54,813
Meg, I'm sorry.
412
00:18:54,824 --> 00:18:57,617
I know we're not
perfect, but no parent is.
413
00:18:57,641 --> 00:18:59,224
And this is our child.
414
00:18:59,321 --> 00:19:00,571
She belongs with us.
415
00:19:00,827 --> 00:19:03,124
But you don't know anything
about raising a child.
416
00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:04,876
No one does.
417
00:19:04,887 --> 00:19:07,411
That's why two out of
three don't turn out right.
418
00:19:07,422 --> 00:19:09,547
But that doesn't mean you don't try.
419
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:18,173
Meg, we'll always appreciate
what you've done for us.
420
00:19:18,383 --> 00:19:21,592
And you'll always be a part
of Liza Judy Barbra's life.
421
00:19:21,603 --> 00:19:25,012
Yeah. You'll always be
that slightly creepy teen
422
00:19:25,023 --> 00:19:28,357
who birthed our baby and then
we gradually lost touch with.
423
00:19:28,678 --> 00:19:30,225
You better promise.
424
00:19:30,236 --> 00:19:31,777
- We do.
- We do.
425
00:19:31,788 --> 00:19:33,538
In that case...
426
00:19:35,373 --> 00:19:38,041
I'll take a chance on you.
427
00:19:38,203 --> 00:19:40,242
♪ If you're all alone ♪
428
00:19:40,253 --> 00:19:42,388
♪ When the pretty birds have flown... ♪
429
00:19:42,399 --> 00:19:45,467
- No!
- That can't be the first time our baby hears ABBA.
430
00:19:45,798 --> 00:19:48,461
That's right. It should
be at a jockstrap foam rave
431
00:19:48,472 --> 00:19:50,096
in Miami Beach, same as me.
432
00:19:50,968 --> 00:19:51,968
What? Wait!
433
00:19:51,979 --> 00:19:53,974
But-but I'm the hot grandma!
434
00:19:53,985 --> 00:19:56,051
You're a grandma?
435
00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:58,104
You look amazing!
436
00:19:58,223 --> 00:20:00,306
Oh, you. Come on.
437
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,641
Could a grandma wear
this to a spin class?
438
00:20:02,768 --> 00:20:05,436
I mean, yes, she could, because I did,
439
00:20:05,447 --> 00:20:07,197
so that happened.
440
00:20:07,599 --> 00:20:10,308
Thank you, Meg.
You've completed our family.
441
00:20:10,319 --> 00:20:13,360
We have our baby and we have you.
442
00:20:13,685 --> 00:20:14,770
Well, I guess that means
443
00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:17,198
I can get rid of all
my hot grandma merch.
444
00:20:17,395 --> 00:20:19,366
I'll just donate it to Goodwill.
445
00:20:19,716 --> 00:20:21,859
You know what "GILF" means, right?
446
00:20:21,870 --> 00:20:24,079
Yeah. "God, I love fentanyl."
447
00:20:24,290 --> 00:20:25,832
You said it, pal.
448
00:20:31,750 --> 00:20:33,570
Well, Bruce and Jeffrey, I got to say,
449
00:20:33,581 --> 00:20:35,123
you two have really stepped up
450
00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:37,215
to become a couple of great dads.
451
00:20:37,226 --> 00:20:39,503
Thank you, Lois.
You sound a bit surprised,
452
00:20:39,514 --> 00:20:41,931
which seems right for a
woman with that haircut,
453
00:20:41,942 --> 00:20:44,317
but you're sweet to say so.
454
00:20:44,328 --> 00:20:46,260
Uh-oh.
455
00:20:46,271 --> 00:20:48,745
Someone's being a little fussy britches.
456
00:20:48,756 --> 00:20:50,110
Oh, she's tired.
457
00:20:50,121 --> 00:20:52,265
You get the lights and
I'll sing her to sleep.
458
00:20:59,631 --> 00:21:02,006
Yeah, that seems about right
for a guy with that haircut.
459
00:21:02,017 --> 00:21:03,651
Thank you, Peter.
460
00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:08,972
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