All language subtitles for Aaron.Simmonds.Disabled.Coconut.2020 [iFlixAsia.com]_English

hello

how are we all doing it's
wednesday

right

check this out most people are
at work

and we're the coolest
festival

in the world how exciting is
that

cool hello and welcome to aaron
simmons

disabled coconut this is a show
all

about the time where i got
trolled on

the internet for not being
disabled

enough

it's more fun than it sounds um

i i should probably deal with
that very

wobbly elephant in the room uh i
have a

medical condition called
cerebral palsy

give me a cheer if you're a fan
of

cerebral palsy

it doesn't usually get a cheer i
like

you

you guys didn't cheer

more muscular dystrophy fans

just out of interest what is
your

favorite disability

okay it's gonna be a long hour
um

could have just said cerebral
palsy

i uh no i love cerebral palsy
right i'll

tell you a little fact about it
um i

think my favorite thing about it

actually i love being disabled
right i

think it's wicked because i've
got

cerebral palsy i get all the
benefits of

being a straight white man

none of the guilt

that is a lovely balance i've
had

several wars my whole life uh
that's 29

years and despite being the age
that

most people would consider an
adult i am

still a massive fan of harry
potter

thank you more fans of harry
potter than

cerebral palsy you guys
um

so i love harry potter too right
uh i'll

tell you a fact about harry
potter and

disability um in harry potter
all the

wizards they call the
non-wizards

correct ten points for
gryffindor um

however what you may not know

is that disabled people do that
with

non-disabled people as well

we

call able-bodied people

patcherizing wankers

every time i'm in a i'm on i'm
on the

train

i'm in my wheelchair

someone will offer me a seat

i've already got one

better example my harry potter
loving

friend what is your name

clear and can i ask you a couple
of easy

questions clear yeah

they're not harry potter related
i'm i'm

so sorry to disappoint you and
me um

clear have you ever been on an
escalator

before

great me too we have so much in
common

um

how about this last time you
were on an

escalator

did anybody

clap

they do with this legend right
round of

applause for getting at waverley
station

thank you thank you

i'm a comedian i loved it
um i

uh i tell you what i was running
a

little late today right so i was
pushing

as fast as i can just down the
royal

mile and this guy came up with
the most

original thing i've ever said
heard he

went

slow down mate or you'll get a
speeding

ticket

so i ran him over um

fun fact he's now in a
wheelchair

it's a shame he used to be a
cracking

policeman anyway

good i uh i should probably talk
about

the wheelchair this is my
wheelchair

right here um i've used it every
day

since i was about 15. um and i
want to

explain why i'm not using it
tonight now

i was absolutely delighted when
the

underbelly asked me to perform
here at

the edible fringe in their venue
i said

i would love to and they asked
me if

there was anything that i
required for

my performance during the run

i said yeah all i need is a
stage

they said it's great we've got
the

perfect room for you it's got a
stage

this

is the

stage i would have called it a
step now

semantic so isn't it i i don't
want to

sound ungrateful right but i
want to

explain why that's important
right i am

very short i'm five foot two and
a half

it's the reason why i spiked my
hair up

and um

five foot three with the hair
and so

what why that's important i'm
very sure

my wheelchair's very short if i
was sat

in my chair you ate would have a

cracking time

everybody else

not so much

right and so what i said to the

underbelly was like look it's
not a big

deal i tell you what would be
really

useful if you could get me a
chair that

i could do the performance on

they then got me the the chair
that is

the tallest chair that they've
got in

the building

here guys i've got an hour to
spend with

you

i'm worried that 40 minutes of
it is me

getting on a chair

now i don't like an awkward
silence of

the best of times let alone
during one

of my comedy shows so what i'm
going to

get you guys to do in a second
i'm going

to try and get on the chair as i
do so i

want you guys to clap now

i don't want you to clap as if
we're at

a comedy show we've done that
we're

bored of it what i want you guys
to do

is clap like we're at the final
of the

2020 paralympic games

it's my final attempt at the
high chair

jump

i've already won the gold right
i'm

going for the world record now i
know

some of you are looking at me
and

thinking he's five foot two and
white

how is he gonna get a world
record

attempt in a paralympic event
it's a

good question it's a very simple
answer

this is not a paralympic event
yet and

i'm already training so

head of the game um

what's gonna happen i'm gonna
get on the

chair you guys are gonna clap
and we're

gonna go from there do you guys
know

what i mean by the olympic club
by the

way

yes okay you answered that very

confidently for the group clear
i like

it um so nice and slow to begin
with and

then build and build and build
and then

i'll get on the chair does that
sound

cool yeah okay

some of you are a lot more
confident

than i am uh but i like it okay
cool so

let's do this so

nice i like it

it let's build up some
attention

thank you uh

i'm well aware that it would
have been

far funnier if i'd it up
um

thank you so much for coming uh
as i

said the show is all about the
time

where i got trolled on the
internet for

not being disabled enough

i'll tell you what happened what

happened was i was in my flat in
north

london now i live in north
london

because i am a jew

i know two disabilities how does
it do

it it's so brave

he's never got that reaction

i'm also gluten intolerant what
a hero

there anything this guy can't do
yes eat

bread it means i myself

i was in my flat in north london
and i

received an email this email
said uh was

offering me my first ever paid
headline

gig

super exciting so exciting in
fact that

i turned all i wanted to look
for is two

details

how much it would be paid

and where the gig was

and the answer to those two
questions

were 20 pounds

thank you

and newcastle

i then googled it

it's a 600 mile round trip

i then checked the train tickets

the cheapest train ticket was 50

pounds i then said

yes

i am not good with money okay
some

stereotypes do not hold up and
so

i was super excited about this
gig and

uh the the promoters started
promoting

it it was very exciting and they
put it

up on facebook and then a couple
days

later i got this message from a
guy that

i've never met before saying why
are you

doing that gig it's not
wheelchair

accessible

now at first i thought he was an

able-bodied stand-up comedian
that was

annoyed that i had been given
the gig

ahead of him

and in his mind he was thinking
why is

he doing our gigs we don't use
his

toilets

we know you use our toilets

i can prove it

give me a chair if you've never
used a

disabled toilet

exactly uh

it wasn't that though right it
wasn't a

wheelchair you it wasn't an
able-bodied

stand-up comedian from newcastle
it was

a wheelchair user from newcastle
who

wanted to come to the gig but
was upset

that i'd accepted to do a gig
where he

could not see me before

and i messaged him back straight
away

and said look i'm really sorry
but um i

promise you next time i'm in
newcastle

and in a wheelchair accessible
venue i

will message you personally and

hopefully you can come see me
then

he said

like i want to see

some plastic

talking about his sex life

i know but the joke's on him i
didn't

have a sex life

who's the real winner this guy

um

incidentally i uh i checked um

i should tell you this i uh i
did a

preview of the show in london uh
before

i came up to the festival um and
i

invited a lawyer to come give me
some

legal advice about what i could
say

about this guy

and his advice was that i can
say

anything i want about him but i
just

can't name him um and as long as
he has

an anonymity intact um i'm
allowed to

say whatever i like about him
and uh i

know i don't seem like the kind
of fancy

comedian that would be able to
afford a

lawyer

but the lawyer was my brother

some stereotypes do hold up

my parents are very proud of him

that joke hurts so much

so

yeah i was super excited about
this gig

right i didn't message him back
because

i was so excited and i remember
the gig

so clearly it was the 2nd of
august 2017

and one of the reasons why i
remember so

clearly is because i did the gig
and

there was a girl in the third
row and

her name was amy she came up to
me after

the show and said uh

i'm sorry i'm sure you get this
all the

time but can i ask you one quick

question

now usually i would say no

because nine times out of ten
that

question is oh my brother's in a

wheelchair

do you know him

i don't like that question i'll
explain

why i don't like that question
that

question assumes that i know
somebody

because there is one aspect of
his of

their personality that i also
share in

the same way that i don't when
you're

coming up to me after the show
because

i'm a harry potter fan and be
like hey

do you know my brother he's also
a

virgin right

because i don't want to know
that guy

he's probably a hufflepuff um

dweebs

there's a hufflepuff in the
crowd what

are you gonna do nothing
anyway

um

she didn't ask me that question
right

she asked me a question that i
really do

like she said

would you like any help at all

now that is a lovely question to
be

asked as an adult disabled
person

because it means that i get to
make the

decision on what help i feel i
need

and although it's a lovely
question to

be asked

sometimes i find it quite
difficult to

answer because when i get asked
that

question two parts of my
personality

have a bit of a battle because
on the

one hand i have been disabled my
whole

life i'm very strong and very
capable

and i've never let my disability
limit

me in anything that i've tried
to

achieve

but on the other hand i am
incredibly

lazy

and you guys offered to carry
for

me

all the time right so

you know

it's a difficult one

but what i've realized over the
last

sort of couple of years is
anytime i

accept help where i don't need
it i feel

a little bit guilty like i'm
letting the

side down

and so what i've decided is that
i now

only accept help where i do need
it and

that's exactly what i did with
amy she

asked me if i needed any helper
tool i

said yes that would be lovely
i'll be

absolutely fine get in my
wheelchair

from the stage out into the
corridor i'd

even be fine carrying it up the
stairs

but what would really help me is
if we

if we went on a date

that's the slickest thing i've
ever said

right

by an absolute mile right to put
it in

context when i was 18 years old
i

that was the last time i asked
out a

girl right what happened on that
day

went on a date thought it was
going

pretty well so i lent him for
the first

kiss

and then she backed away

now that is awkward for any guy

what makes it worse for me

i don't have great core
stability

when she backed away

i fell on her

lap she then panics she jumps up
she

sprints out the bar and she
throws me on

the floor

it gets worse

the manager then comes over and
he goes

oh my god mate are you okay

i said yes but my carer is a
complete

that's why i've not asked out a
girl in

nine years right

but i figured it i'm in
newcastle

what's the worst that could
happen right

and so i asked amy out and she
said yes

went to the bar across the road
and we

were having an amazing time we
were

laughing we were joking and
after about

two and a half hours she said oh
you

know what would be really funny
why

don't you tell me something
embarrassing

now

i am a comedian

i tell embarrassing stories
about myself

five nights a week

so my parameters

of what is embarrassing

are not

normal

because when she said tell me
something

embarrassing i replied by saying
you

know spit roasting

i didn't stop there guys

it would have been weird you
know spit

roasting yeah that's it right

i carried on i said you know
spit

roasting when i first got told
about it

i was confused by it

because i understood that it was
two men

and one

woman

i even understood the two entry
points

for the two

men

but what i was confused about is
i

thought

like in an actual spit roast

the woman would rotate

i didn't want to be a part of
that 14

years old right firstly it's not
kosher

and secondly

i knew that i didn't have the
core

strength to support a woman
while she

rotated around my dick right

and after i explained that to
amy that

was a very awkward silence

and i'm not good with an
orchestra so i

start panicking i start
scrabbling

trying to save the situation
right no no

i know that's not the case
anymore when

i was 20 i went to a barbecue at
my

mate's house and i found out
that day

that the pole goes all the way
they were

having a natural spit road so i
found

out that day the pole that goes
all the

way through the pig and it's the
pole

that's spinning around and the
pig just

looks like it's spinning and i
don't

care how gifted the two men are
they're

not going tip to tip

didn't make it any better uh

there was a second awkward
silence and

during this awkward silence it
gave me

plenty of time to realize what a

ridiculous thing i've just said
on a

first date and all that all the
shame

comes to me and i think right
all i'm

gonna do here is apologize and
leave

right

before i could amy said

you're right

i said what do you mean i'm
right she

said they don't meet in the
middle i

said of course they don't meet
in the

middle the girl would go to
hospital

right

she said well then it's the
wrong name

it should be called a corn on
the cob

it's the funniest thing i've
ever heard

right

i said that's amazing if you
lived in

london i would ask you to be my

girlfriend right now

she said why would it matter if
i lived

in london

see it turns out

i asked amy out because i live
in london

and that and thought that she
lived in

newcastle

i thought if i didn't ask her
out i

would never get to see her again

she said yes

because she lives in london

and thought i lived in newcastle

she thought if she said yes she
would

never have to see me again

right jokes on her she now loves
me um

in her face

only on my birthday and um

it's her least favorite joke of
the show

um

so

that is the state of play right
we both

live in london but her family
will live

up north so there's plenty of
her family

that i haven't met yet but she's
met all

of mine because she came around
to my

grandma's house at christmas of
that

year christmas 2017 um and i was
super

excited about her meeting my
family but

i was most excited about her
meeting my

grandma because my grandma's
wicked cool

and she always holds court
whenever we

have a family get together and
the same

was true of christmas she was
telling

this really great story about
how

rebellious she was as a teenager

when she was 19 years old she
had an

argument with her mum and
instead of

storming upstairs like most
teenagers do

she ran away from home

to new zealand

yeah this was during the 50s she
went by

boat

it took her

three and a half

weeks

i said grandma what did you do
on a boat

for three and a half weeks and
she said

aaron you do not want to know
where your

grandma got up to a boat for
three and a

half weeks

i think we can all

agree grandma i got some dick
and uh

guys do you want to know
something fun

next week

my grandma's coming to the
fridge

it's going to be a 10 minute
show and um

there's plenty of stuff i'm not
going to

uh mention um

yeah no she's very supportive my
grandma

as well as being a massive horn
dog um

not saying that next week uh

supportive influence in my life
um

she used to be an actress so she
sort of

understands that this is my job
more

than my parents do and so when
it's just

the two of us she has us asked
me how

comedy is going and

i

i was really excited to show her
this

facebook fan page that i created
so i i

got my phone out and i started
showing

her that and she is a very tax
heavy

woman so she got out her phone
and she

was just about to leave me
review now

it's super exciting because it
was only

going to be my second ever
review and

the first one that i got was
from my dad

and he said he's quite a good
comedian

he's almost as good at being a
comedian

as his brother is a bigger
lawyer

chance he gets uh

still the nicest thing my dad's
ever

said to me um

oh people aren't sure whether or
not

that's a joke

there's a reason why i need
validation

from strangers anyway uh

my grandma didn't give me that
uh

review she left me this review
it was

lovely she said

he's funny and he's in a
wheelchair not

funny because he's in a
wheelchair

that's a very simple sentence
but for me

it was a huge breakthrough
moment

because at that moment in my
career i

felt quite limited about what i
could

talk about on stage and if i'm
honest

with you guys i was using my
wheelchair

as a bit of a crutch and so

i was very proud when i wrote
that joke

uh

i took the rest of the day off
i'm

incredibly lazy um

we were talking about what she
meant by

it and we're having this lovely
chat and

then my phone went off and i had
a

notification from facebook

uh now this guy had commented on
my

grandma's recommendation of me
now

legally i can't tell you his
name right

for obvious reasons but he
commented on

my grandma's uh recommendation
saying

if it doesn't matter that he's
in a

wheelchair why did you mention
it at all

why could you not just say how
funny he

is

now that's an interesting point
for me

they're two sides of the same
coin

they're essentially saying the
same

thing my grandma was saying he's
in a

wheelchair but it doesn't matter
because

he's funny and what this guy is
saying

is if he's funny it doesn't
matter that

he's in a wheelchair now for me
it

doesn't matter either way um
however you

want to describe me that's
absolutely

your prerogative it doesn't
upset me

either way but i understand that
for

some people they want to be
talked to in

a certain way and i'm a big
believer

that you should always use the
language

that people want to be spoken in
and i'm

always open to that discussion
but the

problem is he added four words
to the

end of that sentence that turned
it from

a discussion into an argument

because at the end of that what
he said

was if it doesn't matter that
he's in a

wheelchair

why did you mention it at all
why could

you not just say how funny he is
you

stupid old bat

now i know the type of woman
that my

grandma is she's 84 years old
she's very

proud of that fact in fact she's
the

kind of woman that will tell you
that

she's 84 years old every time
you see

her even though the last time
you saw

her was two weeks ago

at her 84th birthday um

so i know she's not gonna get
upset

about it so i decided to show
her the

comment i went look at this
idiot don't

worry i'm just gonna delete your

recommendation

she said

don't do that

just give me a second

she then got out her phone

and replied

she said

it may not matter to his comedy

that he is in a wheelchair

but it matters to me

because i was the one

who hit him with the car

savage right

do not with my grandma

no matter how much she wants you
to um

not saying that next week

um that's how we spent christmas
right

just laughing at this idiot and
um

it was a wicked time it was a
really big

moment for me actually uh for me
and amy

i thought it was a really big
step it's

the first time i've ever
introduced a

girl to my family before and um

obviously they loved her but i
think the

next big step in our
relationship was

february now in february

we had this crazy two-week
period where

um it first of all it's our
anniversary

on the 2nd of february and then
it was

her birthday and i support her
rotten i

got her loads of presents went
away for

a weekend um and then it was my
birthday

and then she forgot so i spent
it

rubbing it in her face and um

that's actually hilly's favorite
joke of

the show um

and then it was valentine's day
right

and we weren't really sure what
we

should do for valentine's day we
were a

bit romanced out so we decided
that we

would go to the cinema now it
turns out

to be one of the most
patronizing

experiences of my life because
what

happened is we went inside and
the girl

worked there said would you like
any

snacks with your movie i said
yeah i'll

have some skittles please

and she looked at me

and then she looked at amy and
went

is he allowed skittles

hey guys relax

that night i was allowed
skittles um

i didn't all my vegetables

it was great um she went and got
them

for me and then she turned to my

girlfriend and said and what
would you

like

mom

disclosure

i found that funnier than you
guys did

amy not so much right i'll tell
you what

i found funny about it in this
girl's

head she thinks a 25 year old
woman

is taking her 28 year old son

to the cinema

to go see 50 shades of grey too

on valentine's day right

so we go inside we watch the
movie we

come out right and the same girl
is just

cleaning up and she sees me
going

towards the exit she goes to
open up the

door for me now usually that's
not a

patronizing thing

it is

if it's an automatic door

i might be half machine but i'm
not a

ghost okay automatic doors are
fine

so i want to do something to get
back at

this girl

so what i did

was i got amy

and i bought her nice and close
to me

and then i started

quite aggressively

making out with her

now

it is awkward

guys i know that

but i am going to be honest

it is going to get worse um

because after 30 seconds i took
it

too far

because after half a minute of

passionately kissing my
girlfriend

i then said

i know it's wrong

but i can't help it any longer

mummy

i'm not particularly proud of
that

the reason why i said it is i
want to

create an image in this girl's
head of

me making out with my mum

but what made it even better

i've almost said a real
name um

i'm in real trouble if i say
that uh amy

lucky we're not filming this or
anything

is it

can i go back and not make that
mistake

because i will genuinely get
sued if i

do that um

oh it was going really well as
well

really well it

i promise this is the only time
i'm

gonna come back into this

i've also built this punchline
up very

heavily now

can you lower your expectations
back

down to what they were okay
great um

i can't even remember where i
was so

uh in harry potter all the
wizards they

call the non-wizards muggles

i'll jump off the chariot no um

this is making your job editing
harder

is it

it'll be fine it'll be fine um
right

so

i'm not particularly proud of
that

it's pretty good that would it

i'll do it again but pretend i
haven't

done it before twice uh

i'm not particularly proud of
that

but the reason why i said it is
i want

to create an image in this
girl's head

of me making out with my mum

but what made it even better is
that amy

straight away went well

you're a far better kisser than
your dad

thank you

she's very funny it'll be fine
um i uh

so yeah so she is very cool i
sort of

skipped over our anniversary a
little

bit there i want to go back to
that i've

never been in a relationship
that's had

a sixth month anniversary before
i

wasn't really sure what we
should do for

it so i decided to organize a
holiday

for me and amy yeah it's pretty
good

isn't it um full disclosure that
the

holiday was to edinburgh

it was during the fringe

i was working every day um

fun facts i was amy um so that
was the

plan we were both going to be in

edinburgh for the whole month
and i

figured oh wouldn't it be better
if we

stayed together now what's even
better

than that is that despite amy's
parents

living in newcastle they have a
second

flat in edinburgh now i really
wanted to

stay with her because i thought
it would

be the start of something really
special

if we live together for the
month and

that's something special would
be me

serving a thousand pounds and so

edible's really expensive um i

amy wasn't as keen uh i need to
point

that out she thought it'd be a
bit weird

that i would be living in her
parents

flat even though i'd never met
them

before uh but we sort of chatted
it

through and relationships are
all about

compromise so i i said to her
look how

about this if you let me stay in
your

parents flat i'll pay for your
train

tickets up to edinburgh

that's a fair deal

um she doesn't know i get a
carer ticket

best thing about edinburgh by an

absolute mile though was that
amy got to

see me do comedy for the first
time uh

she

we went to go do i went to go do
this

gig on my first day here it was
called

first dates and it was all about
uh

comedians telling their stories
about

their first teenage dating
experiences

and uh so i told the story that
you guys

heard earlier today the one
where i was

18 years old and it went really
well and

amy was really happy with it she
said i

was a lot funnier than when she
met me a

year before and that meant a lot
to me

okay

there was a genuine compliment
but you

were like yeah you were
back then

um

you saw me a year ago as well
didn't you

anyway no um she she thought it
was

really great it was really
validating to

have her say that i got a lot
better at

my job and also we managed to
get the

last bus back to the flat
because one of

us ran for the bus

now i'm not gonna say who um

but running is not my forte and
um it

was her she's a far nicer human
being

than i am and when i got on the
bus 90

seconds after my girlfriend

all i wanted to do was thank her
for all

the support that she's given me
over the

last year and so i went to kiss
her

she

backed away to see if i'd fall
in her

lap

spoiler alert i do uh did

idiot uh i did um

editing masterclass

you'll never know anyway

turns out it's less embarrassing
if it's

your girlfriend compared to a
complete

stranger

that is before

she turns to a bus

full of people

and goes what do you think
you're doing

i'm your carer

she then checks her watch and
goes and

my shift

has just finished

she walked off the bus

amy

walked home

for 15 minutes

in the rain

for the sake of that joke

she is far more committed to
comedy than

i will ever be right

five minutes later though i get
to the

flat i put my key in the door
and i try

and relax i try and get
comfortable uh

so i do what any guy does in
that

situation so just take off my
jeans

okay judging by that silence
that's not

what the guys in the room do
here

remain in the second row do you
do that

mate

occasionally great what's your
name by

the way

paul lovely stuff look paul's
admitting

it to it great a lot of the guys
in this

room won't admit to it i will
admit to

it now hopefully a lot more that
other

guys in this room will feel more

comfortable about omitting it
right um

the reason why i take my jeans
off

anytime i'm in the flat by
myself is

that jeans are very
uncomfortable to

wear if you have cerebral palsy

and a big dick and um

paul

you don't look like you've got
cerebral

palsy mate

congratulations

how does it feel to have 60
people

thinking about your knob

completely fine with it

humble and packing welcome
ladies uh

paul are you single

not

anymore stuff intriguing um

i

was sat

in the in my pants watching the
tv

i hear this key in the door and
i think

well that's fine that's just amy

correct it was not amy

it was amy's dad

he had come up for a father
daughter

weekend away

with amy

he found

me

they say you only have one
chance to

make a first impression

the first impression that amy's
dad had

of me was a guy

watching tv

in his pants

in the dark

it gets more

embarrassing when you know

what was on the tv

would anyone like to guess

what was on the tv

and i wish it had been a
nature

program

i could justify that all day
long right

i mean it's a bit weird that i'm

watching it by myself at 1 30 in
the

morning in my pants but that's
fine

right who doesn't love david

attenborough rating their life
right any

other guesses

i wish it had been 50
shades of

grey too how beautifully would
this all

wrapped up if that was the case
we could

all go home it would be
beautiful no i

like the way you think it wasn't
that

game of thrones i wish it was
i'm really

glad that the well in the
end

but everybody hates it because
of that

um any other guesses these are
not the

weirdest guesses by the way that
i've

had throughout the fringe uh my
first

day here someone chatted peppa
pig

um

oh yesterday right a woman
shouted great

british bake off and i threw her
out

do you know how much gluten is
in that

show i was furious right

any other guesses just quickly

harry potter i wish it could be
harry

potter right we could have
bonded over

that um if unless he's a
ravenclaw

they're even worse than
hufflepuffs

anyway um

no

good guesses all embarrassing
right all

wouldn't want to be caught
watching that

none as embarrassing as what was

actually on the tv

because what was on the tv

was me

performing stand-up comedy and i
was

watching it in my pants right

it gets worse he comes and joins
me on

the couch he didn't take his
jeans off

he's not as gifted as paul and
um

i want to turn it off straight
away

but i can't the remote is on his
side of

the couch now because just
because i

wanted to turn it off doesn't
mean that

i wasn't excited to be on tv i
was i was

super excited to be on tv i was
but i

was nowhere near as excited as
this guy

was the fact that i was on the
tv and on

the couch at the same time

couldn't work out as blowing his
little

geordie mind and

i right i

let me tell you about the show i
was

asked to be on the bbc uh
because they

wanted me to be part of a
stand-up

comedy special all about
disability

awareness i said yes of course i
would

love to do that just tell me
where and

when and i'll be there

and about 10 minutes before i
was due to

be on stage

the producer of the show came up
to me

and said aaron

we've had a change of plan

we now want the show to be about

disability

and sex

do you have any stories

that would fit that reamer

it's the

bbc

i have dreamt about being on the
bbc

since i was six years old

this may be my only chance to be
on

prime time of friday night at 1
30 in

the morning right

off that's still prime
time right

so i said

yes

i've got a story

about 10 minutes later i went
out and i

did my story

they say you only have one
chance to

make a second impression

the first bit of comedy that my

girlfriend's dad saw me perform

was a routine about the time i
was

his daughter

guys get on board this roller
coaster

because it is going down

right i was his daughter
and as

she was approaching her orgasm

i know i didn't think i had that

capability either um

i was as surprised as anybody

i then

burst out laughing

i will tell you why

and i will tell you why

using the exact sentence

now i've only used this sentence

twice

in my life

when the original incident
happened

and on the tv

for the bbc

it looks like you have cerebral
palsy

worse than i do

how tense we all are

imagine yourself as your
girlfriend's

dad

right that is the most
embarrassed i

have ever been i am sat on a
leather

couch while saying these
horrific things

about this guy's daughter always
wearing

harry potter boxer shorts right

i'm not embarrassed about those
boxers

they say 99 problems with the
snitch

ain't one right

thank you primark doing my work
for me

that's the most embarrassing
i've ever

been right i'm in this little
shell of

embarrassment but this guy

is loving it

he's not laughing at any of my
jokes

he's watching he's laughing and
watching

me squirm right

and he lets me sit there for two

minutes

he then puts his hand on my
shoulder

and he says

is

that

true

and so i turned to him

and said

yes

sorry

and without even blinking

he said

well then

it looks like she takes after
her mum

that is phenomenal guys that's
my future

father-in-law right

i wish that was the end of the
story

it's not

there is another key in the
doorway this

time it is amy she has just been
walking

home in the pissing rain for the
last 15

minutes she does not know that
her dad

is on the couch next to me so
she shouts

from the doorway

the last time i was this wet it
looked

like i had cerebral palsy

and that is how i spent august
the

second or august the first 2018.

uh

shortly after that we all went
to bed um

i need to point out there are
two

bedrooms in this flat uh so me
and amy's

dad went to one

i like being the little spoon uh

felt very safe in his big
geordie arms

um

i

yeah i uh i went to bed the next
morning

i checked i wanted to check
twitter now

i didn't think anybody would
even know

that i was on the show but i
wanted to

see how well a show on the bbc
was

received because it was all
about

disability and that happened so
rarely

at the at this moment in time

and so i

opened up twitter and i was very
lucky i

had a lot of new followers and i
had a

lot of positive feedback on the
show but

there was one notification that
really

caught my eye and it was an app
message

now for those who don't know
where that

message is that was that is when

somebody is talking about you
but not

necessarily to you

and i'm a very curious person so
i

clicked on it

and this guy had tweeted the bbc

now legally i can't tell you his
name

but his twitter handle was at
george

wilkins87

aaron found a loophole

that guy um

he tweeted the bbc saying this

dbc why did you have at rolling
comedian

that's this guy

on your television show

he's not properly disabled

he is

a disabled coconut

does everybody know what the
term

coconut is used for

okay let me explain

term coconut is predominantly
used in

the asian and black communities
to

describe someone who's either
asian or

black but acts like a white
person so

essentially saying no matter
what you

look like on the outside on the
inside

you are white

now

not very nice thing to say

but what you can say about it

is that that metaphor

works

when you are talking about race

it does not work

when you are talking about
disability

because what this guy tweeted
the bbc

saying is that i shouldn't be on
the

television program because i am
maybe

disabled on the outside

but on the inside i am body

what

that's not a thing right

when you're talking about
physical

disability you can only be
disabled on

the outside the reason why i am

classified as disabled is i am
less

physically able to do a lot of
things

that able-bodied people are able
to do

right but that's not why i
consider

myself a disabled person i
consider

myself a disabled person because
i've

had cerebral palsy my entire
life every

day of the last 29 years it has
affected

me in one way or another both
positively

and negatively yes some shitty
things

have happened because of it but
also

some awesome things right
i

played international basketball
for

great britain

thank you i am five foot two in
white

how is that happening without
cerebral

palsy right

as that's the first thing that
upset me

about it he was accusing me of
not

having this disability pride i'm
super

proud to be disabled this is a
big part

of who i am but when i really
thought

about it the thing that really
upset me

about it

is that i am gluten intolerant

i'm disabled on the inside guys

i cannot deal with wheat right i

myself on a bi-weekly basis i
ran out of

pizza in four and a half years
and i

know you're sitting there going
oh you

know you can have gluten-free
pizza

these days off that's not
pizza

right

you know how pizza is delicious
you've

got cheese tomato and then bread
ah

brilliant right gluten-free
pizza is not

like that you got cheese tomato
and then

the drier substance known to man

you know those big bags of sand
that

people have in case there's a
flood and

stuff

they're obsolete now next time a
dam

explodes they're gonna chuck a
gloom and

free pizza base on it it's gonna
be

salted

there is a chance

that i care more about
gluten-free pizza

than disability inequality

i just i just want to say
they're both

important

they're both important like okay
so for

example if you came up to me
after the

show and saying thinking oh i
was

starting about i was thinking
about

starting a charitable donation
um is

there any sort of charities that
you

would recommend yeah obviously
there's

loads of disability charities
that are

doing great work who are uh not
only

helping people live with
disability but

also helping uh trying to find
cures and

preventative mate measures in
order to

stop disability as well but if
i'm

honest

i would rather you put your
money into

research into gluten-free pizza
recipes

because i am already disabled
and i want

a pizza that i can eat um

so if you do sign up to the my
website

it's gluten free pizza that's
edible.org

uk

relax guys it's not a real
website um

but if you do want to create it
i will

sign up um

so i decided that i was not
going to

reply to this guy uh i certainly
wasn't

going to do it straight away i
didn't

want to do it when i was angry i
didn't

want to do it when i was hungry
and

gluten-free pizza makes me feel
both

emotions and so

um

i

what i decided i was going to do
is i

was going to go away i was going
to do

my show that day then i was
going to

come back but i was nice and
chilled and

i would be able to reply then so
when i

did my show

if i'm honest guys

it wasn't

my best performance it wasn't a
bad show

it was just fine it was okay um
the

reason why it wasn't great was
because i

spent the whole show the whole
hour in

my head thinking

this guy does not know what is
coming

his way in an hour right i've
been a

comedian for five years i have
learned

every heckle put down that there
is

right this guy

no idea the air and the pain
train

choo choo

is a coming right

next up georgetown um

still ambiguous um

so i finished the show

i turned on my phone

and i had three missed calls
from my dad

now that's weird because he
never really

calls me unless he's telling me
how

proud of my brother he is

it's never usually that urgent
so um but

he dropped me a text to let me
know what

was happening he said get back
on

twitter now

p.s i'm very proud of rob and

i went back on twitter

i opened it up

and i had a new follower

it was my grandma

i clicked on her profile

and she was following

three people

at roland comedian

me

at stephen fry

that's stephen fry

and at george wilkins87

can't tell you who that is um

she had downloaded twitter

to talk to this guy

because underneath his tweet to
the bbc

where he said dear bbc what did
you have

at roland comedian on your
television

show he's not properly disabled
he is a

disabled coconut

she replied

she said

not only is he a very funny
disabled

comedian he is also

jewish comedian of the year

i don't like to bring it up um

thank you

it's a very big deal uh

super big deal actually um in
case

you're wondering 200 000 jews in
the uk

and out of the 25 that applied

i was the funniest

that year um

the others already won the
previous

years anyway

that is what she said

underneath that tweet

he replied

he said

why are you telling me

why didn't you go find someone
who gives

a

maybe like your dead husband

yeah

i read that tweet i was furious
but i

was very clear in my mind what i
wanted

to do i wanted to delete the
tweet

before i had a chance to upset
my

grandma

i was not quick enough

because by the time i got to
twitter not

only had my grandma read it

she had replied

she said

factually speaking

i've got two dead husbands

the second of which i married
for his

money

he left me

this massive house

this house

is fully wheelchair accessible

but unfortunately for you sir

it's not accessible

i didn't add anything to that

for two reasons firstly i
couldn't think

of anything funnier

i've been a comedian for five
years i

thought about it for two and a
half

hours

nowhere near as funny as
anything my

grandma can come up with in 90
seconds

right

the other reason why i didn't
comment on

it is because i wanted to get
ready for

what i was planning on doing
that

evening now it was the 2nd of
august

2018 and i was planning on going
for a

meal with amy

now it's exactly one year uh to
the day

that we first met and i asked
her to be

my girlfriend so we went today i
was

super i was very excited about
this

dinner but i was also quite
nervous

uh i like not because i've never
eaten

before

done that really good at it like
most of

the food goes in my face and um

the reason why i was nervous is
because

i had an engagement ring in my
pocket

i know i am amazing um

and then gave a ring in my
pocket and i

was planning on asking amy to
marry me i

had a very clear plan with what
i was

going to do

i was going to ask her to marry
me after

the main course but before
dessert

that way if she said no i could
uh eat a

brownie full of gluten
myself and

not feel any worse

the relationship's over i don't
need

your impression anymore isn't it
um

that was what i was planning on
doing we

sat down we began our meal

got reminiscing and then she
asked me a

question that completely took me
out of

my mind she said do you remember
our

first date i said of course i
remember

on facebook first date it was
amazing

she went yeah it was all right

but it was also incredibly lucky

i said what do you mean it was
lucky it

wasn't lucky you saw me when i
was on

the stage you thought i was
funny so you

came and talked to me after the
show but

if you hadn't have done that i
would

have come and talked to you i
was not

leaving that room and before i
talked to

you because you were the most
beautiful

girl in that room and she went
yeah i

knew that um

modest uh

she went why was it lucky then
she said

i wasn't supposed to be at that
gig that

night

i only went

because my brother

bought tickets

but then couldn't go

because the venue wasn't
wheelchair

accessible

does anyone want to have a guess
what

amy's surname is

it's wilkins um

yeah

you know this sort of

quandary you're in

i was in the exact same quandary

i realized at that moment that i
was

being trolled by my potential

brother-in-law

oh

oh dear indeed

i didn't know what to do right
but i had

a plan and i was gonna stick to
it

and so that's what i decided

so he finished the main course
and my

mouth became incredibly dry i
mean to be

fair i just eaten a gluten-free
pizza um

and so i was gonna ask amy to
marry me

so i got down on one wheel

and

i opened up the ring box and i
said

amy wilkins

93.

will you

marry me

now i'd love to say the story
has a

happy ending

it doesn't it's not a sad ending
by the

way guys um it's just a bit
awkward

because

when you're in a relationship
and one of

you wants to get married and the
other

doesn't

it is a bit awkward

and the reason why it's so
awkward

is she said yes

she really wants to get married

tell you why i'm not so keen

she wants to have a brother the
wedding

my grandma is going to be at the
wedding

i don't know what to do

i've thought about this every
day since

august the 2nd 2018.

three days ago i came up with a
solution

i'm gonna run it past you guys
and then

i'm gonna tell amy when i get
back from

the fringe

the wedding venue is not gonna
be

wheelchair accessible um

problem solved

we're going to have a hawaiian
themed

wedding there's going to be
coconuts

everywhere um

guys you've been an absolute
treat to

talk to you thank you so much
for coming

um if you like the show please
feel free

to tweet me about it at roland
comedian

i'm very needy my dad doesn't
love me

enough um but if there's any
negativity

you have about it if there's any
sort of

criticisms you want to throw my
way

that's absolutely fine tweet me
with

that as well and my grandma will
take a

pieces um have an errand
enjoy

the rest of your day