All language subtitles for What.We.Do.in.the.Shadows.S03E05.WEBRip.x264

9-1-1. What's your emergency?

My dad can't breathe.

My husband, his eyes
are going back...

My son... Oh, my God.

I'm pretty certain

it might be this way.

This is it. The big night.

Our first Vampiric
Council tribunal.

Let the Ceremony of
Judgment commence!

Where we once stood as
prisoners sentenced to death,

we will now be sitting
as judge and jury.

- You're gonna die,
and you're gonna...

Fuck!

Never sneak up on a vampire
like that, Guillermo.

How did you even get down here?
- What do you mean?

I've been down here
for 20 minutes,

- waiting for you guys.
- Oh.

Well, is it this way,
or is it that way?

I think it's...
It's back this way.

Fucking Guide.

I've been standing behind
you for half an hour.

- What?
- Silently watching you.

Breathing in your scent.

Smelling your musk.

So... is it this way or...?

Oh, no, no. It's back this way.

- Oh, good.
- Yes, you missed it. Come along, everyone.

♪ Don't sing if you
want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and
out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and
compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your
dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay
dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and
out of this world. ♪

Our neighbor Sean has
kindly invited us to his

for what he described
as a "boys-only night."

Now, I gleefully assumed

that that would be some
kind of circle jerk.

- Oh, I don't think that's what he meant.
- No, it isn't.

Anyway, I've invited
Colin Robinson...

Ah, mui, mui mesa love you.

Is that a friend of yours?

Mesa Jar Jar Binks.

Ooh. That's a nice voice.

You don't find this
voice annoying?

I think it's very
funny, indeed, Colin.

My Uncle Fulvio

did all the repaneling in here,
so it's looking real nice. Oh!

- Frankie, Mikey! Hey!

You remember my old buddy
Laz and, uh, his friend

- Robinson Caruso.
- Yo! - Hey.

What you dudes watching? Ah,

local community college
hockey, you know.

The purest form of sport is

community college
because you get 'em

- right after high school, and, uh...
- Come on, move. Move.

- Before they really...
Robbie Robertson.

You make a better door
than a window, okay?

I have heard that. Shut up.

- They want you to get out of the way, Colin Robinson.
- Oh. Okay.

Just have a seat. Just have
a seat. I brought these

especially for the occasion.

- Oh!

Look at that.
- Don't ask me where I got them from.

I, too,

- have a little gift.
- Oh.

You guys are into the whole
Agatha Christie thing,

right? Murder mystery games?

"Mrs. Honeychurch
and the Hanging

- at 'Vykrage Valet.'"
-"Hanging at... Vicarage Valley."

Yeah. It'll take
a while to play,

but I think if we start now,
we should be done by dawn.

Fuck.

Hmm?

Eh...

Yes.

Okay, okay, don't make a big
deal out of it. Okay, do.

- Do make a big deal of it. Come on.
- Yes.

I feel like this
is my wedding day.

But I shouldn't
be wearing white.

So... ♪ Let the Ceremony
of Judgment commence. ♪

Very good.

- Very good.
- All right. Well, I will be the one who says that.

But before we continue,

there is just one more thing
we have to check off our list.

- Come on in. Ooh. Oh.

This is a conduct/harassment
training video

that our human resources
department put together

as mandatory viewing
for all employees.

- Okay? - Okay, fine.
- Okay, let's get it over with.

All right.

- So, that's it, then? Yes.

So, that just means anything
and everything goes here.

He smacks me on the
ass, you finger me,

I stroke him off, et
cetera, et cetera.

Mm-mm.

We have found it to be
good for team building.

So anything and everything goes?

Yes. We have sort of
fallen into doing it all

- on a Thursday night to
get it out of the way. Oh.

Otherwise, it can
be very exhausting.

Now, I know you both
agreed to be coleaders,

only one of you

can sit on the throne.
Who will it be?

- Uh, me, thank you.
- Fine, I'll do it. No.

Let her have the
throne. Power is won

- by those who seem to least
desire it. But the throne

- is a big deal, and I want to sit on it.
- And you will.

Stop touching me.
- What are you two whispering about?

Guys? It's a one-person
throne, okay?

What is so hard about this?

I mean, who wields
the ultimate power?

The one who sits on the throne?

- Nadja may sit on the throne.

Or the one who challenges
the throne-sitter?

- Thank you, Nandor.
- Yes.

Or perhaps it's the person

who whispers into
both their ears.

So, at the time in question,
I was having a brandy

with Vicar Wilson in the, uh,

- tack room or some shit.
- Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So,
how-how you guys been, uh,

- sleeping lately, huh?
Uh, you know, not too bad.

- I actually been taking this melatonin stuff...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear that.

I've been sleeping like
shit, too, you know?

My neck's been all
stiff, and, uh, my knees,

- they've been swelling.
It's really bad. So, hold on.

- Is Frank dead? No.

- Frank? I'm Frank. Oh, right.

I'm having a brandy
with the-the vicar.

- Gotcha. Am I the vicar?

- You're the vicar.
My lower back!

Oh, forget about
it. It was terrible.

But then I got this new pillow,

which is not
available in stores,

- and, uh...
- Well, how did you get it, then?

Stop asking so many questions.

Anyway, it's an
incredible product.

It totally changed my life.

Okay. Yeah, cool. Oh, hey,

- you guys hear, uh, Kevin got laid off?
- No.

- Yeah. For real.
- Kevin?

I've been sleeping
like a baby now.

Really sleeping like a baby

thanks to this brand-new,
state-of-the-art pillow.

What the fuck is its name?

Hold on. Hold on.
I'll be right back.

- Hold that thought. You
see this hockey match?

We played a game exactly like
that at Eton. Difference is,

we didn't play with a puck.
We played with a cock.

- A cock that had been
hardened... Can we actually

get back to your
friend who was fired?

Da-da-da-da!
- Oh, Kevin. Yeah, it was brutal.

- He got...
- It's called the Guy Pillow.

- For the man who sleeps. Ooh.

Yeah, yeah, like that guy, uh,
on TV. Mike Lindell, right?

That's the MyPillow, and
this is the Guy Pillow.

- They're completely
different. All right.

Simmer down, Sean. We can't
all be pillow experts.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Can we get back to the game?

Yeah. I got a card.

Okay, stop twisting
my arm, guys.

I'll give you a demo, all right?

Does the pillow come
with the pillowcase?

Yeah, I'm glad you
asked that, Laz.

It's a hypoallergenic
pillowcase,

and, yeah, the whole shebang
comes for what? $49.99.

-[spits, chuckles] What?
- What the fuck? Seanie,

- 50 bucks for a fucking
pillow? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is a quality pillow
but for a value price.

But you know what I'm gonna do?
Because you guys are my friends,

I'm gonna knock ten
bucks off the top.

- That's $39.99
apiece. Whoa, whoa.

- Wait. You're selling these
things? You kidding me?

- These things sell themselves. So, who's in?
- Uh...

- The Ceremony of Judgment

will now commence.

- Wait, I was gonna...

Okay, stop!

- Stop. I'm not ready. No, no.

So, back to one. I
don't... I'm so sorry.

- What seems to be the problem?
- Nandor is very tall.

When he stands, his
face is much higher

than my face 'cause I
am sat on the throne.

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you, Guillermo.

Here's a thought.

Perhaps we just
remove the throne

- from the equation.
Here's a thought.

Can we get this going already?

Remove the throne!

Ah, shit.

- Ooh! Ooh, that's...
- Aah!

Ay-ay-ay-ay.

That's-that's plenty.
Thank you, wraiths.

- That's plenty. Thank you.

- Gonna be hard to get
that out. Okay, we good?

- Everyone good? Yes. Yes.

- Great.

Let the Ceremony of
Judgment commence!

- Can't I just say it once?

Okay, stop!

What now?
- It looks so dumb

with the throne just
sitting there empty.

She does make a good point.

You guys, just take five.
Honestly, don't go far.

What you really should do

is stop acting like
a bunch of jabronis

and get, like, 25 of
these things each.

Well, I don't usually
sleep with 25 pillows.

News flash. You don't use these.

You buy extras,

and then you sell 'em
to your stupid friends

for a little do-re-mi
for yourself.

Laz, come on.

I don't use a pillow.

Okay. Well, Mikey.

Come on. I mean,
we used to sleep

- in the same bed. Hey, buddy,

I don't know what to
tell you, you know?

All my friends are in
this room, you know?

- No. You know what?

Fine. I mean, what
does it matter?

Don't buy any, huh?

You bunch of fucking
backstabbers.

Who cares about Sean, right?

- Fuck me, right? Sean.

Fuck me? Well, fuck you!

- Oh! You are gonna regret
it when you didn't get in

on the ground floor of
this superior product!

Fucking Sean.

You all right, Sean?

Honestly, Laz? I'm
not doing too good.

I was hoping you were
getting, like, 25 pillows,

and I was counting on, uh,
you know, Newman Robinson

or whatever the
fuck his name is.

- Who?
- The guy who looks like a fetus.

- Oh, right.
- And then Nandor and his boyfriend

don't even show up? I mean...

Well, I wouldn't
take that personally.

Listen, I know. It's just...

Nandor looks like he's a
real big sleeper, right?

I could sell him,
like, 40 large.

And then, you know,
the little guy,

listen, get him for
ten, okay? He's poor.

I mean, he wears the
same cardigan everywhere.

I sense there's something
else that's bothering you.

All right. All right.

You got to promise me you're
not gonna tell a soul.

- I won't tell a soul.
- Charmaine doesn't even know.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Okay, are you ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready.

All right. Hey, whoa, whoa!

I got a cousin like
that, but that's not me.

- Really?
- Yeah, I respect you and everything...

Okay. You won't
remember anything

about how you attempted
to seduce me just now.

Continue with your tale.

I'm in too deep.

I bought a lot,
a lot of pillows.

I mean, so many.

How many pillows?

Shit.
- Yeah. I haven't sold that many,

so I can't pay back the
guy who sold them to me.

And, uh, now he's taking
me to small-claims court.

So, how many of these
have you actually sold?

Three.

- Yeah. Charmaine wanted one,

but you can't sell them
to women because...

- it's a men's-only pillow.
- Men's-only pillow.

Says so on the box.

Yeah, yeah, it's
legally binding.

Court date's tomorrow
night. I'm scared, Laz.

I don't want you to worry
about this one second longer.

I think I can get
you out of this hole.

I could kiss you, Laz!

Maybe we could just put

a sheet or a cloth
over it or something.

The throne is a very important
symbol in the ceremony.

Hmm.

Well, I have an idea,
but... Forget it.

I have too many
things to do today.

- No, go on, Guillermo.
- No, what is it?

Well...

I was thinking,

why don't we put me in the robe,

and I'll sit on the throne?

I mean, I'm obviously
not a vampire,

but they don't know that.

And I think that, you know,
the symbolism will hold.

- Worth a shot, I guess.
- Works for me. - An elegant solution.

Okay. I love symbolism, so...

A little bit higher.

It's all a big game of chess.

I just didn't say who was
playing who... m. Whom.

Go faster!

Yeah!

I'm getting dizzy.

- All right. Uh,
Iorek the Knavish.

The wraiths look
much more disgusting

than I remember them looking.

Oh, yeah. We have them
wear special masks

for the Ceremonies of Judgment.

Makes them look much scarier.

Number Five? Wrong mask! Again!

Every time with that one.

Thank you. So, continuing...

Iorek the Knavish,

you stand charged with selling

your fellow vampires a
so-called magical herb

which you claimed
would protect them

from the ill
effects of sunshine.

Oh, that would be nice.

Yes, indeed, it would be.

If it worked!

Please watch.

How did you obtain this footage?

- The Crow-Cam.

Ah. Hello.

It's gone.

Nandor, it is clearly vampicide.

Yes, multiple vampicide.

Well, then, we should kill him.

Um, it might not be a bad idea

to kick off our
reign with something

that shows a bit more mercy?

Yeah, hmm?

Is there a cell

that he can be cast away in

for hundreds of years?

- As you wish.

For how many years specifically?

- 500 years!
- A hundred.

- 150.
- Two years is fine. Just two is good.

Our next offender stands accused

of breaking just
about every rule

by which we vampires
keep our presence

on this earth a secret.

- Ugh. Boo! Okay,
so, hear me out.

If you tell me the rules,
I'd be down to follow them.

If I may please continue?

Yes. Thank you.

Derek is a member of
the Mosquito Club.

It was that, uh, vigilante
vampire-hunting group

that I joined accidentally.
Accidentally joined.

- My man. And then we went

to that weird house
with the vampire family,

and they attacked us.

Come on! Let's go! We did it!

- We actually found the...

And he was left behind.
I-I left him behind.

- Where's Derek?
- It's too late for him now.

I've had to live with that every
day since that night, so...

I-I-I thought he was dead.

Derek,

you have accrued

turning into a bat on the subway

in an attempt to
scare teenagers,

stealing IV bags

from blood donor centers
across the city...

Also, what are you wearing?

You are wearing bad
vampire fashions.

- That is the most heinous
crime! Well, I mean,

I didn't know where to
get proper vampire finery,

but the Hot Topic at the mall
had some really great stuff.

I mean, they're
fast fashion, but...

If I may continue?

Feeding on bystanders
out in the open

who have fallen asleep
on park benches.

What's the alternative?

Owning an unlicensed hellhound.

- I'm sorry, y-you mean Aspen?
- Hey, boy.

- Nandor, be careful.
- Are you in there?

Stay back! Aspen!

- Sit!
- If I may please continue?!

- Sorry. We've
got a lot to do!

Sorry, yes.

Owning an unlicensed hellhound.

Oh, that was actually
it. Sorry. We're done.

- Okay. These crimes
you have committed

are despicable!

What do you have to
say for yourself?

- I don't know. Whoops?

That was a shit response,

- wasn't it? I-I'm sure

what he meant to
say is that surely

there's an explanation
somehow, right?

I guess I just do
fucked-up shit now.

That's just who I am.

A vampire that draws
attention to vampirism

is a threat to all
vampires everywhere.

Yes. And, also, I was thinking,

because we showed
the other man mercy,

for this one, I think we
just balls to the wall,

just go fucking crazy.

I agree completely.

- Well, I think that...
- Then we are of one brain!

We sentence you

- to death!
- Death.

- I'm sorry, come
again? Derek, you are

hereby sentenced to be thrown
into the Well of Daylight,

where you will die

- by the rays of
tomorrow's sunrise.

Derek. Hey.

- Guillermo. Hey,
dude. Just wanted

to stop by and say,
um... I'm sorry.

This is all my fault.
I could've done more.

It should've been me
that was left behind.

No, no, no. There's no way
you could've known... Ah!

- No, Derek, stay away from the sun.
- Ah!

I thought that was obvious.

Well, you know, I sort of wish

maybe you'd looked me
up and, I don't know,

given me a rule
book or something.

Is there even a rule
book... Ah! Goddamn it!

Get out of the sun, Derek!

- No! Just follow

the sound of my
voice! This way.

- Geez.

- That is gonna scab.

I thought that would be common
sense to... You know what?

Here. Put this on and cover
yourself with it, okay?

Don't move. I'm gonna
get you out of here.

Thanks, Guillermo.

Ah, damn it!

You know, I've been thinking...

Oh, great.

I was actually surprised
that you let Nadja

talk you into killing
that Derek guy.

I didn't let Nadja talk
me into doing anything.

Really? And yet you let Nadja
steamroll over you like that...

- Are you done?
- Yes, but...

- Good.
- You said...

I thought I had
mastered the game.

Just whispering
in people's ears.

- Between you and I...
- Hmm?

Calling the shots.

People have been saying that

you just sentenced that
Derek guy to death because

you let Nandor
walk all over you.

Have a fucking day
off, Guillermo.

No one said that. Please
do not talk anymore.

But I think I really
biffed this one.

Garry Degen v. Sean Rinaldi?

Present and accounted
for, Your Honor.

It says here you
have representation?

Oh, yeah.

Have no fear. Here I am.

Sean has been done an injustice,

and I won't stand for
it. Luckily for him,

I am no stranger to the song
and dance of the courtroom,

for I myself used to be a
barrister on the Queen's Bench.

Mainly representing
myself for crimes

such as soliciting
and pornography.

But I've mainly
defended a lot of hogs.

And horses.

What is this, some
kind of Hamilton thing?

- What? Your Honor, if I may,

New York State Statute 82

clearly states that legal
counsel's attire cannot be

- discriminated against.
All right, fine.

Oh, yeah. I googled
that this morning

when I saw him in
that old lady's wig.

My only other duty as his de
facto paralegal seems to be

hauling around his
file boxes, which...

Between you and me...

Mostly contain pornography.

Now, my lords,
ladies and gentlemen,

I feel a huge injustice
has occurred here today,

- and it needs addressing.
- And what's that?

Well, this chap has the
hair of a pedophile.

I've got to be honest, I
haven't stepped inside a court

for about 300 years.

- Objection!
- This is your fourth

objection in the last minute,
Mr. Cravensworth. Overruled.

- Objection.
- What about?

Objection?

So, my techniques

and my methods might
be a bit old-fashioned.

May I approach the bitch?

- What did you say?

I said, "May I
approach the bench?"

- Ah.
- What did you think I said?

Right. I'm ready
to wrap this up.

The common man... whether he
be Neanderthal, troglodyte...

They all deserve
their day in court.

A slice of a fair
system, wouldn't you say?

I think I've heard
enough, thank you.

Judgment for the plaintiff

in the amount of $12,700.

- What's she talking about?

We lost.

What the fuck?

- I need to see Nadja. No, no.

- Nadja?
- No, no, bro.

She's not there. Come
on. God, you're heavy.

I think I'm gonna puke.
- What happened?

Well, he lost a court case

and he took it pretty
hard, and we went to a bar

- to... help him unwind.

- Wait, Laszlo's
a lawyer? Yeah.

We met some finance guys,
and next thing you know,

double-fisting drinks.

They take off, we
lose track of Laz.

- They must've gone out
barhopping or something.

Oh, I can't believe
this is the first time

I'm inside your guys's place.
You must do a lot of antiquing.

Nope. Don't touch that.

Jennifer the
Dreadfully Loathsome,

we would like to officially
apologize for the distress

your name has caused
you, and we hereby

grant you permission to
change your name henceforth.

Yes.
- As requested, you will be known

as Gabby the
Dreadfully Loathsome.

- Gabby.
- Congratulations, my love.

Thank you.

I think we're done,
guys. Excellent day.

Wait!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What is the meaning of
this outburst, Guillermo?

He's supposed to
be ashes by now.

The prisoner was
sentenced to death.

And by some
miracle... escaped.

- What are you talking about? You helped me... Oh.
- Shut...

He escaped! But a-according to

Codicil 18 of the Vampiric
Council Code of Conduct...

I just made that up.

The prisoner is entitled to...

a defense attorney!

Oh, for fuck's sake...

- All rise. The
Honorable Laszlo...

Well, you-you know who he is.

My lords and ladies of...

jury.
- Ugh.

Eh...

Um...

Is there any more?
Okay... great.

He's never been very good
with his blood liquor.

If I may quote my favorite
comedian, Monty Python,

"We better get a bucket."

He's gonna throw up.

- I think he's gonna puke.

No! Before that, I
think what he was

going to say is that he...

volunteers to take this
young vampire under his wing.

Did he say that?
Yes. And, of course,

make him, you know, work
off his transgressions.

And also, uh, vouch
for any future,

uh, uh, behavior of his.
Right? Right, Laszlo?

- La-Laszlo?

That's a yes?
- That's a yes.

I think it would be
so lovely for him

if you just let him win this
first case, just for Laszlo.

Please?

Okay, fine. I don't
even care at this point.

- Release the prisoner.

Laszlo has won a case!

Very good. Well done, my love!

- You won your first case ever!
- Well done. Well done, Laszlo.

Congratulations.

Guillermo, you,
uh, you saved me.

Oh, no. Thank your
l... yeah, all right.

Yeah. I guess it
was kind of me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Guillermo, you step away

from that crate this instant.

- Get your hands off that lock

- immediately! Guillermo,

hellhounds are not
to be trifled with.

Don't do this!

Did you ever stop and think

that maybe this creature
was just hungry?

- Or afraid?
- D-Don't. Don't open that door.

- Or both?
- Don't do it!

- Hey...!
- There he is.

He just needed some
love and attention.

- Away, hellhound.
Who's a good boy?

- Good boy. How
is he doing that?

Maybe it's part of
his magical DNA.

- Lay!

Good boy.

And he's got an enchanted
nutsack as well, apparently.

♪ Nobody gonna save you ♪

♪ Nobody gonna try ♪

♪ The clock, it
fuels your madness ♪

♪ And it pulls you out of time ♪

Yes, good evening, sir.

Introducing the Guy Pillow.

For the man that has
everything except...

Nah. Not interested.

I... hereby... command
you or whatever...

to not be a dick
about this right now.

♪ I'm gonna be there on
your Judgment Day, y-yeah ♪

♪ You punished all the innocent
and rewarded the cruel ♪

♪ You threw out all the healers,
now surrounded by fools ♪

♪ I'm gonna be there when
you stumble and you fall ♪

♪ I'm gonna be there when no
one takes your call, no-no ♪

♪ I'm gonna be there
for your hell to pay ♪

♪ I'm gonna be there
on your Judgment Day. ♪

[COLIN ROBINSON READING]

Mom.

Mom.

The President kissed me.

My name's Archer.

Uh, I'm an egomaniac who
endangers every mission.

Also, I'm inebriated
almost 24 hours a day.

Lose the almost and
then take it again

Please try to avoid
sudden ships and wait.

Sorry. Hey!

My name is B.J. Novak. I want to
tell you about the show I made.

Every episode is
completely different.

Pop-culture. Sex.

- MAN Revenge. Guns.

Must be training for something

[SPUTTERS]Meaningful issues...

Celebrity worship is better.

Explored through
meaningless comedy.

You never forget a
scrotum like that.

Haunts my dreams.

That's it.