All language subtitles for Labor.Pains.2009.

The I-10 Santa Monica
Freeway westbound

is jammed due to
a three-car accident...

blocking lanes one and two
just past Hoover Street.

In Van Nuys there's stop and go
traffic on the 405 southbound...

Hey, loser!
Get up. You're late.

We need money.

For what?

Food.

I've only got two dollars.
How much is a Happy Meal?

Oopf.

Good morning, Thea.

Oh, hi.

There's this
thing called rent.

Monday.
You have my word.

Could you put your
word on an actual check?

Whoo! Look
at that foxy momma!

Hey.

Hey, look. I, uh, I
saved you one of these.

It wasn't easy. These
people are animals.

Thanks. It's all
downhill after the donut.

Hey. Let's go
camping right now.

Oh, don't tempt me.
You know I can't.

Come on. Don't be such a buzz
kill. Just call in sick from work.

Oh, Miles. It was hard
enough getting Monday off.

Hey. You really need to
bail on this lame job, babe.

Bailing isn't exactly in my vocabulary
right now. I'm late. I'm late.

Alarm clock
on the fritz again?

Thea.

Thea!

Four minutes
after nine, Thea.

We agreed to 8:59.

I know. I'm sorry. I've
got your coffee piping hot.

Greg already
got it for me.

All right.
Let's get started.

I found two errors
in your transcription.

Ur-Nammu, the Mesopotamian
ruler, has a hyphen in his name.

Are you sure? I checked it
in Oxford English Dictionary.

You should always cross reference
with the Military Encyclopedia.

It is
the definitive source.

Absolutely right, Greg.

The intern shouldn't be
more thorough than you.

You have to remember that every
mistake you make, impacts history.

I'm sorry I didn't give enough thought

to the long reaching
impact of a missing hyphen.

Think of it next time,
or someone else will.

There are a million people out
there who'd kill for your job.

The secretary to the publisher,
it's a dream for so many of us.

I have a big
project for you.

Now, you can make up for this
morning's mistakes by acing this one.

Okay. What
can I do for you?

MacArthur rolled
in some poop.

Again?

She's got one
good eye, Thea.

I don't appreciate
you taking that tone. Now.

Hi, there.

Let's really try and nail
it this time, shall we?

No way. She
rolled in poop again?

Uh-hm.

How come Greg never washes her?

I'm glad that I don't have
to wash the poop off Greg

since he spends most of his time
with his head up Jerry's ass.

Tell me about it. Last week
he CC'd me on an email to Jerry

complaining that I ordered
too many rainbow Post-Its.

Said it creates
a party atmosphere.

Come here, MacArthur.

MacArthur.

Do you think we'll
ever get out of here?

How long 'til your little
sister graduates college?

Five years.
Five long years.

Wow.

When you finally ditch this
place I'm gonna leave, too.

I can't survive this
hellhole without you.

I don't even know if I'm gonna
survive Monday without you.

Oh, well, your rainbow
Post-Its should help.

Ha, ha, ha.
Just promise me

that when you're celebrating with Miles the
big 25, you'll have two extra shots for me.

Done. Two for
you, two for me

and two
for MacArthur.

And cold beer chasers and a sliced lime.

Gets me right here.

What is MacArthur eating?

Oh, that's not
good. Hold on.

No, no, that's soap!

Well, Thea, you are
a sopping mess.

I know, I'm sorry.

Well, don't apologize.

This one
has two staples.

Yeah. And?

It's bad feng shui.

It'd be nice
to give the agenda

to the guy
the disability first.

When I gave you yours
first last month,

you reprimanded me for
giving you special treatment.

I don't like your giving
me special back talk.

Good morning, everyone.
Ready for Abbott?

Sorry.

Let's have another round!

Hey, Johnny, my good man.
How's the book coming?

Jerry!

War. What is
it good for?

Apparently lots
of things, Jerry.

If you could just tell us
what chapter you're up to.

Sweet.

Pigs in the blanket

for everybody on me.

Alright, bye-bye.

Hemingway used
to write in bars.

Ah. We're so pleased you decided to
bless us with your presence, Nicky

Sorry, uh, bad,
bad traffic.

Hm. Got hung up at the
divorce lawyer's office?

I kind of wanted that
to be private, Jerry.

Well, well, privacy is
for people who are on time.

So how's
Abbott's book coming?

Extremely well. There's a
method to his mad genius.

And now we're ready to
go over the cost report.

Whenever you feel
like presenting it.

Oh, okay.

Sales for The Complete History
of Bullets are below projections.

Uh, marketing says people
have been intimidated

by the 1400 page length.

There are a lot of bullets in
the world. We're not making it up.

Let's talk about the next
order of order of business.

I've given this
a lot of thought.

Next week's
softball game.

Now, we're all tired
of losing to Presidio.

So I'm moving Garth
to short stop.

I'm not
quite finished.

I've told you. You're staying
in left field. We need you there.

This isn't softball related.

You know our textbook
writer, Suzie Cavendish?

Of course I know her.

I read her new manuscript

and I thought
it was really good.

How did you
get a manuscript?

I ran into her at lunch.
She told me about her book.

You don't send the
accountant your manuscript.

Thanks, but I've already
told Suzie it's not for us.

It's not our
subject matter.

Baby, what's wrong?

MacArthur?

What's wrong with you?
Come here, baby.

What is wrong?
Talk to daddy.

Ew!

What did you feed her?

I'm so so sorry
about your dog.

I just scheduled a full body
scan for MacArthur on Monday.

I have the day off Monday
but I'll take her Tuesday.

You'll take her Monday.

I asked for this time
off two months ago.

It's just one day.
I promised my boyfriend

we'd go camping
for his 25th birthday.

It's his 25th birthday?

Yeah, it is.

God, I had no idea.

I'm sorry. Why don't you
take the whole week off?

Really?

No!

Okay, no problem.

Come on, things
can't be that bad.

Okay. Let's see what I have
to look forward to in life.

Washing my boss's dog.

Blow-drying my boss's job.

Uh-mm.

Taking my boss's
dog for a CAT scan.

I'm officially
a pathetic loser.

Well, at least we still
have Skittles and cigarettes.

Maybe you and Miles
can reschedule the weekend.

Oh, yeah. I'll see if Miles
can reschedule his birthday.

No, maybe Jerry's
onto something.

Who needs a significant other
when you're dating your own dog?

Jerry's repulsive. Have you
smelled his breath lately?

He's lucky he can get
a dog to date him.

You know, it's one thing if Jerry is an
undersexed jerk who takes no joy in life

But why does he have to make the
rest of us that way? I hate him!

In my office. Now!

You've got some pretty strong
opinions about my personal choices.

You find my relationship
with MacArthur

something to deride?

Not at all. I respect
your devotion to animals.

You're involvement
with PETA is inspiring.

Don't bullshit me.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.

It was childish
and it won't happen again.

If you hate me so much,

I don't really think it's healthy
for you to continue working with me.

But, please.
You can't do this.

Watch me.

But I need this job.

Here I go.

I support my sister.

You're fired.

But I'm...

You're what? You're?

I'm pregnant.

Pregnant?

Yes, pregnant.
Totally pregnant.

The doctor says the chemicals
or hormones or whatever...

are messing up my system and you can't
take anything I say too seriously.

Except for when I say I'm
pregnant because, I am.

Oh, God.

When are you due?

Octember.
I mean, October.

October what?

Uh, probably the 6th.
Could be the 7th,

could be the 8th. But fingers
are crossed for the 6th

by then I'll just want
this thing out of me.

You're almost four
months pregnant?

Yeah.
Isn't that crazy?

Feels like yesterday I wasn't.
But I was because I'm four months

The legal department
is backing your story

about not being able
to fire a pregnant woman

no matter how much
she might deserve it.

So get back to work.

Thank you
so much, Jerry.

I really appreciate it.
Thank you. From both of us.

Congratulations on the baby. The
entire legal department is thrilled.

Hey, why didn't you tell
me earlier? Oh, I know.

Probably because there's so
much that can go horribly wrong.

I mean, I'm out of the woods.
But I do everything right.

Anyway, so I'm having my baby
first, not that it's a competition.

But I win!

Anyway, no, really,
congratulations.

Oh, Thea! Oh, I'm so excited for you.

No wonder you've
been spacey lately.

What's going on?

Everybody, Thea's pregnant!

Don't look at me.
I never touched her.

Never would have guessed.
You still look sexy.

I had to tell everyone.
Couldn't keep it a secret.

Of course. How can you
hide that kind of thing?

I should've known. My left knee's
been hurting. When my knee hurts,

it usually means
someone's pregnant.

Yeah, or they're stuck underwater
in a car. Anyway, I'm glad it's this.

So who's
the very lucky fella?

You didn't tell 'em
the rest of the news?

Thea and Miles
are engaged!

Oh!

That's so great!

I mean, I got married before I got
pregnant, but better late than never.

Whoo-hoo!
Yay for you!

Yeah, I'm, I'm really
excited, everyone.

Yeah, thrilled. Over
the moon. Way over it!

Psst.

Pregnant? It's brilliant.

Where did you
come up with that?

I saw it on an episode
of Law and Order.

Yeah. You can't fire
a pregnant woman.

Discrimination, lawsuits,
bad mojo, whatever.

Smart.

By the way,
thanks for your help.

Pregnant wasn't bad enough.
I had to get engaged.

Well, I didn't want people to think
you were some kind of wayward skank.

Is that what you
think of single mothers?

No, of course not. I just happen to
know that a lot of people in the office

think you're a wayward skank and I
thought this could turn it around.

Thanks. Crap, Lisa. What am I gonna
do? How will I get out of this?

Can't we just say that you
know, something happened to,

I don't know, one
of your tubes. Sprung a leak.

Do you know what
you're talking about?

Let's just go along with
it for a little while

and then we'll say
it was a false alarm.

You thought you were pregnant, but
it turns out you just had crabs.

Ew.

I'm so sorry, Em. I had
a crazy day at work

and I lost track of time.
Am I too late?

The meeting was at four and it's
five o'clock now. You do the math.

I'm really sorry.

Have you been drinking?

I had a cocktail.

Come on. You're 17. You should
be out drinking and smoking

I'll reschedule with your
guidance counselor next week.

Don't bother. I already met with Miss
Talbot and we discussed my options

What options?

She suggested I start taking
some cooking classes after school.

You have
tennis after school.

Yeah, but I'm
sick of tennis.

I was thinking maybe I could go to the
Culinary Institute in San Francisco.

No way. You're staying
right here and going to UCLA.

Tennis will cover the tuition and I'm
busting my ass off to cover the rest.

I know. You keep telling me when Mom
and Dad died, we lost out on options.

Just do me a favor, be a grown-up and
accept the hand that you've been dealt.

So that's
what you do?

Yeah, that's
what I do.

Really? 'Cause you were at a bar
instead of my parent teacher conference.

Oh, hello, Mr. Abbott.

Jerry? Jerry,
where are you?

Mr. Abbott,
can I help you?

Is there anything
to drink in this place

or do I have to go to my
car and get my divining rod?

I could get you
some water.

Go ahead, soldier. Three
parts scotch, one part water.

Okay. Move, move,
move. Hey, soldier.

What brings
you to the office?

How are you? Well, your
brother wants my book.

Jerry's at lunch. But Thea can
take your manuscript for you

Who's Thea?

Jerry's secretary. You
talk to her every day.

Congratulations are probably in order.
Thea has good news. She's having a baby

Hm.

She looks like
she's strong stock.

Maybe she can give us
a strong future Marine.

Thea, do you
have a minute?

So, uh, how are you?

Fine, thanks. You?

Oh, I'm fine. But I'm not the one with a
magical bundle of joy growing inside of me.

So, no morning sickness?
No bloating?

No. Nuh-unh. Guess
I'm just really lucky.

A little too lucky,
if you ask me.

Yeah.

And uh, where
is your ring?

Well, we...

Her fianceé is saving
up for her ring.

It's not very nice to
try to embarrass people.

So why don't you get back to lying
about yourself on your dating websites?

Don't worry about him. He doesn't
know anything. He's an idiot.

And I'm sure Greg
is still a virgin.

Come on, Jerry.

Oh! Alright, Jerry.

Oh! Watch it!

Dumbass.

Come on, Nick.

Come on Nick,
you can do it.

Hit it!

Ow!

Ball. Take your base.

Take your base!

Come on, Thea.

Come on, Thea!

Let's go, Thea!

Go, go. Home run.

Come on, come on.

Go, go.
Get home, get home.

Come on, come on.

Safe!

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm great.

Come on, Colonel.
You can do it.

You got it!

Great.

Thea.

Kristen. Come
here, please now.

You shouldn't be playing
in your condition.

What condition?

Your baby.

Lisa, get your
ass out on base?

Of course.

We are taking you
out. For the season.

All season.

Come on!

Hey, thanks
for the RBI.

Yeah, well,
no more RBIs.

Jerry says I'm a liability, so
I can't play 'cause I'm pregnant.

Sounds like the most reasonable
opinion he's had in years.

Oh!

Yes!

MacArthur?

Good heavens.

Oh, it's okay. I'm
coming for you, baby.

I need a copy
of Abbott's manuscript.

I'm gonna read it in the car
on the way to his funeral.

What? You've never seen a
manuscript on napkins before?

When genius strikes, you
write it down. Do it now.

Okay.

Oh. Thea, um, should you
still be using the copier?

Copy machines emit
electro magnetic waves.

And what does that do?

Well, no one knows yet. But I've
been reading on the message boards

and it seems like something you should avoid
if you're trying to have a well pregnancy.

I think I should be okay.

Oh, good. Well, if it
doesn't bother you,

then can you make 50
copies of that for me?

Thank you.

You know, I,
I find it fascinating

that Kristen is only a
month further along than you

and yet she's the size of a school bus
and you're still the size of Kate Moss.

Different strokes,
I guess.

Perhaps it's easier to feel
the bump than to see it.

What's the big deal? Everyone
likes to touch a pregnant stomach.

Because you're
a gross weirdo, Greg.

And the baby doesn't
like gross weirdos, Greg.

Hmpf.

You and me are going
shopping after work.

What on earth
are you doing?

I'm stealing
you a belly.

What?

You're four
months pregnant

and you've got the abs
of a Jenku swimsuit model.

Sh. Cover me. Okay?

Look. If you want people
to think you're pregnant,

you've gotta start talking the
talk and walking the... waddle

I don't know
if I can do this.

You can do this.
Just do it for a week.

But you've gotta look the part or
people are gonna get suspicious.

I look ridiculous.

These jeans
are elastic on the top.

I feel like I'm wearing
a condom on my stomach.

You don't look like you've
been anywhere near a condom.

Gross. Did you know that when women
are in labor they sometimes poop?

Ew.

Have you ever heard of an
episiotomy? Or cankles? Hmm?

Agh.

Well, we should get
this as a reference.

I thought this whole thing was
gonna blow over in a few days.

Yeah, but until then you should know
the ins and outs of being preggers.

There's a whole world of stuff
here you know nothing about.

Yeah. And I'd kind of
like to keep it that way.

Ew. Look
at those nipples.

Wait a second,
wait a second.

What?

Here. Here.

No. Can I keep
the stomach at your house?

No. That's like keeping
your arm at my house.

No, no. I don't want Emma to
find out and she hates when I lie.

You lie all the time.

No, really.

It stays with you.
It's your stomach.

Hey! Can I get
a little privacy?

Whoa, what are you doing in
there? Can I just come in?

I'm trying
to talk to you.

It doesn't matter what I'm
doing right now, I am busy. Shoo.

Morning, Thea,
you got my check?

Wow. Look at you.

Yeah, look at me.
Oh, it's not what, um...

Oh, geez, I mean. You've
obviously got a lot on your plate.

I'm sorry about the other day.
Don't worry about the rent check.

Take another
week or two.

You just take
care of yourself.

Oh, my God.

Oh, how
exciting.

I have so much baby
stuff I can lend you.

Let me know if you need to
borrow my old breast pump.

I just have
to rinse it.

My favorite lubricant,
Ann? WD-40.

Thea. I've made some brownies
for you to fatten you up.

Oh, thank you.

It popped.

Yeah, once you pop,
you can't stop.

You're carrying low.
It's definitely a boy.

Whatever it is, you've obviously
begun that slippery slide into obesity.

Well, you had a nice run
there, didn't you, champ?

Oh, good morning.

Look at you.

Oh, my God. I think
I just felt it kick.

Oh. Yeah, mark it in the
baby journal for me, will you?

I will.

Are people buying it?

Totally. Totally.
Ann made me brownies.

I got a seat
on the bus today.

And Garth is not
attracted to me anymore.

It's the best morning
I've had in years.

Okay, you want to hear
something even more amazing?

Have you read Abbott's
new manuscript?

I get asked
to Xerox, not to read.

Okay. Get ready
to have your mind blown.

Ah, "Philip of Macedon
had a hard-on. "

"Scaled great peaks
to conquer the Greeks. "

It's all rhyming couplets
and dirty limericks.

And this is what Jerry's
betting the bank on.

It's insane.

Oh, you're welcome.

Well, you
look different.

Sorry. I'll move you to the
shitty corner in a second.

It's all right, dear.
You've got your hands full.

You've exploded.

Well, yes, she has.

Well, people. I'm sure
you'll be relieved to hear

that MacArthur is expected
to make a full recovery.

I've gotten her a spot

at the McElroy Center for Veterinary
Rehabilitation in Bethesda.

It's the best in the country.

They tell me she should be at 90
percent tail-wagging capability

after just six weeks.

I'll be out of
the office for a while.

I'll be working out of the
rehab center in Bethesda

where I've taken a room for the
duration of MacArthur's stay.

Until I get back, Nicky will
be holding down the fort.

I'm giving him strict instructions
not to do anything stupid.

Code red.

Seriously, Nick.

Don't blow it.

Check it out.

There's our fearless leader
plotting our brilliant future.

Well at least with him in
charge, I'm off the hook.

Well, things
are looking up.

Okay, let's figure out how
to get me out of this mess.

I'll Google what kind of mishaps
can happen when you're pregnant.

Hi, guys. Sorry
to bother you.

You're boss now, Nick. You
can bother us anytime you want.

Right. Um, Thea, I kind of need
a favor. Would you, come with me?

We're meeting
Suzie Cavendish.

I mentioned her in
the meeting last week.

You see, Suzie's written
this hilarious book

about pregnancy. It, it's true
stories about pregnant women

getting stuck in bathtubs and
throwing up under their desks at work

and farting
by mistake in meetings.

It, it's stuff you, you must know
a lot more about than me, obviously.

Yeah, totally. Totally.

I'm trying really, really
hard not to fart right now.

Anyway, I want
to publish Suzie's book

and, and while Jerry's
gone, I'm gonna do it.

You know, carpe diem
and all that stuff.

Yeah, definitely.

I actually used to be a pretty
carpe diem kind of person myself.

But not anymore.

Because I'm pregnant.

See, that's just it.

Suzie's not convinced that
Steinwald's the right place.

So I thought you might
help convince her otherwise.

Yeah, sure.

I mean, I'll just talk to her
about the whole farting thing.

Uh, one thing. Uh, Suzie kind
of thinks you're an editor.

Why would
she think that?

I kind of implied it.

What?

Suzie!

Hi. Nice to see you.

Most pregnancy books make
you feel totally inadequate

and how you're destined to
be a failure as a parent.

No one writes about what
pregnancy is really like,

how you feel fat and clumsy and stupid.

The absolute worst

is "What to Expect When You're
Expecting. " Have you read that?

Oh, no, I was told it was so
bad I shouldn't even go near it.

So, what are you reading?

Uh,

You know, just
the usual suspects.

Like?

Well, I was banking on
finding Pregnancy for Dummies.

I love
that series. Yeah.

Hm. Interesting.

Come on, Nicky, how can
you guys sell my book

if you're not familiar
with the competition?

Thea has had a pretty
full workload lately.

I don't know, guys. I don't know
if this is the right marriage.

Come on. From the people who
brought you the Kalashnikov diaries

comes a comedic send-up
of 21st century pregnancy?

It's just, the right
home is so important.

I know. We are
the right home.

I mean, sure, our, uh,
plumbing is a little leaky

and maybe we need
a new paint job.

But our backyard is a really great
place for a barbecue in the summer.

You know?

If we can make a bestseller out of the "Defeat
of Darius at Issus" we've gotta be good.

I mean, that couldn't
be easy, right?

Absolutely.

The thing about pregnancy
is it's incredibly messy.

Those other books are teaching
you how to avoid the mess.

You're embracing the mess.

And you've written
an incredible insightful,

hilarious,
controversial manifesto.

Just give us a shot. It has
bestseller written all over it.

We promise we
won't let you down.

So you've read it.

Oh. I live it.
Love it. Every day.

Let me think about it.

Hey, I'm starting a new
birthing class tomorrow.

Maybe Thea could
come with me.

She'll be there.

And bring your partner.

Her fiancee. Miles, right?

Yeah. Could you excuse
me for a second?

Yes.

Vodka. Straight up.

Thanks.

You okay?

I just set the world
record for bullshitting.

What happened?

Long story. I can't
handle doing it again.

A promotion?

You are the new
Associate Editor

of our brand
new Family division.

Family division?

Suzie called. She wants to
give us a shot, thanks to you.

Now, Suzie's book will
launch our new division.

It's a perfect opportunity
to capture a new demographic

and help the company
to grow vertically...

Nick.

Look, there's something
I need to tell you.

This whole thing
is a big lie.

I feel terrible,
but I'm not really...

An editor?

I know, I'm the one
who forced you to lie.

Which as a rule isn't great but what's not
a lie is that you did really good today.

There's so many
people more qualified.

So many people in ways
you don't even know.

Thea. To be a good editor all you
need is a, a feel for the material

It's what my father had
when he started this company

and it's
what you have.

You're living through the
thrills of starting a family.

What about Kristen?
She's pregnant.

Obviously I am too, but
she's, she's really pregnant.

First of all, Kristen's a lawyer
without a creative bone in her body.

And then there's the indisputable
fact that she's a complete weirdo.

Oh. Look, Nick,
I mean, I see your point.

I do. And I wanna help.

But I just, I can't.

I'm not your accountant.

But the other thing
you should know is that

associate editors make a lot
more money than secretaries.

A lot?

Let's just say,

you'll have your own
secretary and office.

So are you my new
associate editor?

I guess I am.

"War Stories From the Pregnancy
Front" by Suzie Cavendish.

You loved it,
you live it.

You should
probably read it.

I do, I agree with
what you're saying.

If you have your colon
health you do have everything.

But, I do, I thought it interesting
when you said we were going wrong

and we should be sort of on the seat like
a gargoyle as opposed to just sitting.

Not now, Miles.

Don't you know enough about
being fake pregnant already?

How can this be this
big of a deal?

I mean, come on, you do the
nasty, you're knocked up,

you inflate and then, uh, eight,
nine months? Nine months later

you shoot that puppy out. I mean, how
can there be 8 million books about this?

Just promise me
you won't write one.

Okay. If you promise you're
still on birth control.

Believe me, I am.

Oh, yeah?

Uh-huh.

Excellent.

Nice new digs, huh?

Yeah.

So, what did you think?

About what?

Uh, Suzie's book.
Any thoughts?

Oh, yeah, it was great.

What do you think?

How much did
you actually read?

The first two chapters.

But I'm gonna finish the rest of it
today. I just got a little distracted.

Nick, please,
let me explain.

Thanks for your thoughts.

You have
shelves. And a door.

Congratulations, Thea.

Thank you, Greg.

You really think you can get to
the top by playing games, don't ya?

I know what you're up to, Thea.
And I think that it stinks.

Hm.

Really? Do you think that it stinks that
I want to hire you to be my Assistant?

Really?

You'll start first thing Monday
after I put the paperwork through.

Oh, wow, Thea. Thea, thank you so
much. I, I could kiss you right now.

You don't have
to do that.

I'll see you later, boss.

Look at you,
Little Miss Executive.

Hardly. I don't even really
know what I'm doing here.

I didn't finish the
manuscript last night and Nick

just asked for my opinion
and I didn't have one.

You might wanna get one. This is your
ticket out of the secretarial pool.

If your last name is O'Keeffe,
why do you look Jewish?

Well, it's true.
You don't look Irish.

Steinwald Publishing.

So O'Keeffe got a new girlfriend.
He's robbing the cradle.

She's 95.

Did you hear me?

I loved it. It
was funny and smart

and you don't even have
to be pregnant to enjoy it.

I'm guessing about that
because I am pregnant.

I enjoyed it and I'm
not pregnant.

I was thinking, you could organize
the chapters like a pregnancy.

You know, group each
woman's stories by trimester.

So, so the book would start with
stories about the awkward moments

when everyone thinks you've
been eating too many cupcakes.

Exactly. And then
the second trimester.

Like Sally's story when she threw
up in her purse at her kid's play.

Nick, I'm sorry I didn't finish the
book last night. It won't happen again.

I'm glad you like it.

We've got our work cut out for us.
It'll be in bookstores in 6 weeks.

I'd like to see your notes, but Suzie's
class starts in 20 minutes so you should go.

I totally forgot. The thing is, Miles
is, is going out of town for work.

That's too bad.

Do you think
I could reschedule?

Now it's time for partner
relaxation techniques

for when your
special marathon begins.

So, partners, I want you to
move behind your marathoners

with your legs
open in a big V.

Hm. Welcome home.

Now, take this opportunity to
stroke your wives or girlfriends.

Stroke it out.

Now why don't you whisper
something special to her, okay?

Something that only you two would
share in this private moment.

It could be funny,
It could be naughty.

I'm not listening.

Let that relaxation
wash over you.

I am so sorry
about this.

It's, you know, you don't
have to stroke my hair.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Uh, you know, you can
lean back if you want.

I, I can tell you're
kind of straining.

I am.

Great. Now that
we're all relaxed,

let's try some
birthing positions, okay?

Mary? Could I borrow
your partner for just a sec?

I promise I'll give
him back. Maybe.

I'm just kidding. Come
here, cutie. All right.

I want you to get on all fours with
your palms firmly placed to the ground

and then we're gonna rock back.
We're gonna rock back into it. Oh.

Feel that womb open up.

It feels familiar, right? This is
how we got ourselves into this mess.

For some of us, not all of us.
The position's not for everybody.

Partners, I want you to
envelope your marathoner, okay?

And just get in a deep
stretch here around the belly

keep moving back and forth, right?
Get your hands on the tummy back there.

And keep pushing in. Keep
pushing in and envelope.

Get right on top of there.
Feel that, feel... Oop.

Man down, okay.

It's okay.

Just hop back on.
No mistakes here.

Okay. All right. Finish up when
you feel done. I need a few more.

If you'll indulge
me Mary, thank you.

Okay, and just keep the
rocking. Never stop rocking.

Oh! Yes. Give it to me,
Rob, we're doing it now.

Oh! Oh!

Okay.
And we're done.

Wonderful, thank you.
This guy's good, right?

I'm gonna borrow
you for another class.

Or after class.
I'm kidding.

Bye, guys.

That was great.
Thanks a lot.

Bye.

Wow.
That was up there

as one of the most
embarrassing moments of my life.

Hey, here, let me
get you something.

No, no, it's the least I can
do after nearly paralyzing you.

Hi.

Thanks.

Did you always work
in the family business?

Uh, I wanted to be a writer. But I
was scared I might be a total hack

so I got
an accounting degree.

I figured I'd make a living doing
that while I finished my book...

but kind of been stuck in
the middle for a few years.

What do you wanna
be when you grow up?

Well, in college I played
in a badass metal band.

Really?
You're a badass?

A little bit, kind of.

Fascinating. A little
terrifying but fascinating.

So is that what you did in
college, badass metal band studies?

No, I didn't
finish college.

Oh, why not? Too boring?
Not Joan Jett enough for you?

No. Um, I loved college. It's just my
parents passed away in a car accident,

so I had to leave to take
care of my little sister.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have said anything.

Oh, n-no. I, I'm
glad you told me.

I'm just so sorry
that happened.

Thanks.

So is your sister
a badass like you?

No, she's more
of a smart ass.

Here.

Hey, you know, uh, Suzie's
having a pool party this weekend.

You should come.
And bring Miles.

Pool party?

Yeah. I promise, I won't
be wearing a Speedo.

Nice look!

Do we have a secret steam
room you never told me about?

No, I'm going
to a pool party.

Ah. Well, good thing
you've got that towel on now.

Wouldn't wanna leave that 'til
when you actually get there.

Enough of the sass, smarty
pants. What are you doing here?

Tennis ended early.

What's the bag for?

Nothing.

Come on, you can
do better than that.

At least I'm wearing pants.

Pants? You call
those pants?

They're shorts.

All right, bye. Don't
call if you need me.

Okay, you really have to act
like you're the father, okay?

Yeah.

You're the father.
It's serious.

Oh, come on.

You have to appear
to be responsible.

Are you kidding me?
I'm totally psyched.

I thought about this. Everyone's
gonna think I'm a super-stud

for knocking up a
hot chick like you.

Okay, so, that's an example
of something you wouldn't say.

Baby. Well, I think you're
beautiful even with your...

Thank you.

Hey.

How are you?

Nick, this is my fiance,
Miles. Miles, this is Nick.

Congratulations.
You must be so excited.

Oh, it's, I just can't wait
for the little guy to pop out.

Oh, you're
having a boy.

Yeah.

We, uh, we
just found out.

And do you
have a name yet?

Now, see,
I didn't think any...

Hey.

Garth, this is
my fiance, Miles.

Miles, Garth. He's an
editor at the company.

You're a lucky guy, huh?

Yes, I am. You look pretty
lucky yourself there.

I'm gonna go inside
and say hi to Suzie.

Oh, yeah,
hold up, babe.

I'm taking a dip. It's
blazing here. Babes.

Yeah?

Right there.

Anybody care to join?

I will. Let's go in.

That's what
I like to hear.

I don't wanna
get my chain wet.

Listen, I have two friends
that I want you to meet.

They're both writers and they're
actually looking for a new publisher,

so I think they'll
really like you.

Really?

You and Nick
make such a good team.

Thank you.

Hey, guys. I want you
to meet Audrey Gold

and Dr. Terry Bournachle. Terry
wrote the Bournachle Baby Book,

which is the bible.

I won't even touch that. I don't wanna
be accused of having a God complex.

And Audrey just finished
a book on single parenting

and I hear from reliable sources that
she's not very happy at Boyle Donner.

Oh, well we would love
to meet with you guys.

Yeah, Nick and Thea just started
a parenting division at Steinwald.

Hmm. You have
the most unique shape.

If you don't mind me asking, you
don't have a distended uterus, do you?

Uh, no, no, I,
I don't think so.

Well, who's your OB?

Dr. Draken Barysinwitz.

You mean Hans?
Frogenberry Schoenewitz?

I thought he moved
back to Vienna.

Oh!

My bad. I just, I was trying
to, totally going for her.

Very funny, Miles.

Hey. You should, uh, you
should totally come in.

We're having such a good time in there.

I don't feel like
swimming right now.

Come on. It's
so nice in there.

No one cares that you're fat.
Kids, tell her to come in.

Come in. Come in. Come in.

It's okay.

You don't want to
disappoint the children.

Woo!

Shit.

What is that?

Oh!

That's not cool.

It was so humiliating.

On the way home I told him to drop
me off and never speak to me again.

Good. I always thought Miles
was a bit of a numbnut anyway.

I'm just so embarrassed that Nick
thinks he's the father of my child.

Who cares
what Nick thinks?

He's just the first
person in years

that thinks I'm capable of doing
more than just pouring coffee.

What do you think he'll
say when he finds out

your baby is a piece of polyurethane
foam we swiped off a mannequin?

He's actually kinda cute
though, don't you think?

Who?

Um, Nick.

Um, no.

Cigarette?

No, I probably shouldn't.

Okay, uh, to recap, uh

only one of you would even
bother to look at the book.

And the rest of you wouldn't
buy it with a gun to your head...

which can't
be good for sales.

Can any of you tell me why
the cover doesn't speak to you?

Maybe comparing pregnancy to a
battle is, uh, putting you off.

Yes.

I can't stay for the
rest of the focus group.

Can I still
get my check?

Just stop by reception.

Okay. Uh, one down.

Maybe we should forget what's
on the cover for a second.

What makes this book great
is that it's a collection

of real stories for real women talking
about how it feels to be pregnant.

So let's talk about some
of us feel right now.

I feel like crap.

That's good. I mean,
that's bad. But keep going.

How come no one talks about
how much pregnancy sucks!

Oh, there's no
glow in my house.

Okay, so what I'm hearing is
that you're all so over it.

Yeah.

Hello, I'm Orca the Whale.
Like, what's up with that?

I know, they're not
even bloated at all.

Thea, your
sister's at reception.

Hey, what are
you doing here?

You forgot to sign the release for my
trip to Lake Arrowhead. It's due today.

Thea, aren't you going to
introduce me to your sister?

Oh, Nick, Emma.
Emma, Nick.

She's in a real rush.
She has to go.

Okay, well, this has been
fun. It's been fun.

What is that?

Just because you
don't like my dress

doesn't mean you
have to be rude.

Move. I'll
tell you outside.

What's wrong with you?

I'm a big fat liar,
but Jerry was firing me

I had to come up
with something.

You are one sandwich shy
of a picnic, you know that?

You're crazy. What
are you thinking?

You might be interested to know
that I got a promotion and a raise.

I can't believe we're
actually related.

As soon as I can
I'm gonna come clean.

Things are complicated.
The company depends on me.

I have heard enough.
I am out of here.

Morning, Thea.

Last month's
and this month's.

Wow, early.
That's a first.

I've got
something for you.

Oh, you made these?

Yes.

I went with marigold
because it's neutral.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hey. Okay, not that
you're interested,

but the word is that Nick's
divorce is finalized this week.

Garth told me.

Garth told you?

I've been hanging out
with him, Miss Busy.

I took the liberty of picking
you up a calcium-enriched smoothie

and a bran muffin. I figured you
might be getting a little backed up.

Thanks, Greg.

You're welcome.
Excuse me.

Greg's worried about
you being backed up?

Constipation is a common
problem for pregnant women.

Ach.

Well, lucky for you you're
not actually pregnant.

Or do you even
know that anymore?

Of course I know
that. Obviously.

Hi, sorry to interrupt.

Wanted to get you a little
something. I ordered it off of eBay.

It's an armadillo foot for,
for when you're in labor.

It, it wards
off the evil eye.

Thank you so much, Carl.
That's so sweet of you.

I'll keep it with
me the whole time.

Oh-kay. I know I told you to go
along with this for a few weeks,

but you're starting
to freak me out.

Things are going
really well for me.

It's not because of the
stomach. You're doing good work.

The only thing you're
doing bad is walking around

with a load of bullshit
strapped to your stomach.

Nick. Nick.

Nick.

What's up?

You won't believe who
left me a voicemail.

An Associate
producer from the Vista.

No way.

She read the book,
loves it,

with Claire's
approval, we'll be in.

That would be
the greatest thing ever.

Oh!

Oh.

Sorry. I, I'm a bit
of a closet hugger.

I, that won't
happen again.

That's, that's okay.

Nick, Jerry for you.

Oh. Uh, put
him through.

How you holding
down the fort, Nicky?

Good, Everything's
going great.

Working on a little project.

You haven't done
anything stupid, have you?

No, of course not.

You're doing
great, sweetie.

Do me a favor, Nick. No little
projects. Don't do anything.

Don't touch anything. If you
need a project, try Match. Com.

It's been awhile since
you've seen any action.

Okay, Jerry. I'll talk
to you later. Thank you.

It really hasn't
been that long.

I'm, I'm sure.

Um, okay. I got a lot of work
to do. So, I'm gonna go do it.

Okay. Bye.

So the book comes
out in three weeks.

That, that gives us
plenty of time for publicity.

I hope you don't mind.

I just couldn't
take it anymore.

Oh, wow.

I can see!

God. I don't know if you know
this, but you're pregnant.

Your sense of humor really takes
a dive after nine o'clock, huh?

Is it after nine?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, I'm slave-driving
a pregnant woman.

Not at all,
I want to be here.

I do, I feel I'm
making up for lost time.

And I'm really grateful
you've given me this shot.

So, thanks.

It's my pleasure.

You should be at
home with your fiance.

Right. My fiance.

I'm taking you home.

But, I promise to have
ridiculously high expectations

of you in the morning.

Thank you.

Well, here, no, no.

Okay.

Is this your first?

Yeah. I can't wait.
And you?

It's mine, too.

Would you
sign this, please?

Oh, that's amazing.

What about
Thea? Thea?

Absolutely, you.

No, no, no.

Yes.

No, I stay
behind the camera.

You, over here
right now.

Come on, give it a shot.

Oh, yeah.

Work it.

Nick.

Make love
to the...

Sorry. I know you don't
actually say that. I'm sorry.

Thanks for coming here with
me. I had such a craving.

Are you kidding me?
I love mud slide pie.

I think we could use a
little more whipped cream.

Oh, did I tell you we
signed Bournachle?

Thanks for hooking
us up with him.

My pleasure. Oh, I may
have some good news.

I may have gotten us two
spots in Sunshine Daycare.

Great. Thanks. I haven't
even thought about daycare.

I don't know how you do it,
with your kid, your pregnancy

and your job. I can't even take
care of my little sister, Emma.

I wish my mother left
me user instructions.

Well, there are no
hard and fast rules.

You just have to go
with your gut.

Yeah, well I certainly have no
shortage of gut at the moment.

Well, when all else
fails, sugar and shopping.

Very persuasive.

Hi.

Hi. Is Emma here?

Hi, Emma. Can you
babysit tomorrow night?

Oh, I can't,
Donna. Sorry.

I have to study
with my friend Chloe.

Um, I can do it.

You know, good practice.

That's right. Oh, God.
Thea, you are the best.

Tomorrow night at eight?

Yes.

Great. Bye.

I don't even know who you are right
now, but you're definitely not the best.

Do you wanna make cupcakes and then
maybe go shopping at Forever Twenty-One?

No. Actually I'd rather scrub
myself down with a pineapple

than do that.

I don't know what to do.

This was Dan's idea. He was all, like,
let's have a baby. It'll be so cute.

You know? I was,
like really?

Really? Well, let's strap 50
pounds of cement to your torso

and see how fun it is then.
You know, I just...

Yeah. I know.
I understand.

I just need a drink.
Or some weed.

I know it's scary.

I mean, the fact that we're gonna
have these tiny fragile humans

totally dependent on us. It's
kind of freaking me out, too

Really?

Yeah.

'Cause, Thea, you just,
you seem so together.

Oh, hi.

We need to talk.

What happened?

Okay, thanks
for listening.

Uh,

I uh,

I kind of got into
an altercation with Miles.

What are you talking about?

He was kissing another
woman. So I confronted him.

And he told me
he's not the father.

So I punched him.

You what?

I punched him.
I couldn't help it.

You deserve better than
that, Thea, a, a lot better.

Nick, Miles
is not the father.

He's not even
my boyfriend anymore.

The truth is,
there is no father.

I mean, there is but it was a one-night
stand and he's out of the picture now.

Thea, there is nothing wrong
with being a single mother.

Okay.

The printer has a
question He's on line one.

Okay.

Oh.

What was that about?
He looks like a maniac.

I just told
Nick the truth.

How'd he take it?

Okay. He doesn't think I
should be with Miles anyway.

Yeah, but what did he
say about the pregnancy?

He didn't say anything
about the pregnancy.

What's there to say?

Thea. We should talk. Do you
want to get a beer after work?

A beer? You know
I can't drink.

Is your stomach growing?

Well, I'm nearly
six months now.

Hi, how are you?

Where's my
sister, Emma?

Hey.

How was practice?

Fine. Same as usual.

Really? That's funny because Coach
Henretti told me you quit a month ago.

I found this in your backpack.
You've got some explaining to do.

That's dried cilantro.

Yeah, right.

Smell it.

Okay, maybe it is. But
where were you today?

At Jake's,
waiting tables.

You've been
lying for weeks.

Hey, I learn
from the best.

Hey, um, your
boss is here.

What?

Maybe he wants
to make cupcakes with you.

Um, can you get my
stomach? It's in my room.

Yeah. But, um, it'll
cost you 25 bucks.

15!

Sold.

She'll be right with you.
She's just getting dressed.

Okay, thanks.

Does it make you feel weird knowing
she's naked only, like, ten feet away.

Em!

Coming.

Stomach.

No. Pay me.

I'll pay you after.
Give me the stomach.

A promise from Thea? I can't take
that to the bank. Just pay me know.

Thank you.
Here's your fake belly.

Shut up. Get out.

Hello.

Hey.

Okay.

Hey.

Um, I, I just, I thought
I'd stop by, uh...

I wanted to show
you something.

It's our very first complete copy of
the book with cover and everything.

That's, that's great!
And, wow, I'm on the cover.

Oh. And we booked, uh, Tynan's
bookstore for the book launch.

That's awesome.

Well, um, I should
probably get outta here

and let you
enjoy your Saturday.

Well, um, if you're free
then do you wanna get coffee?

Sure.

I had a dog once. Then Jerry stole
it, took it to college with him.

Oh.

There's something amazing
about having a child.

It makes you feel like a
part of something bigger,

you know, even if it's not
real. Well, for me, that is.

Lydia didn't want children.
And I never questioned it.

But now I,

I realize, I, I do
wanna be a father.

I've been wanting to do
that for a really long time.

Actually, I just,
just did that.

Right.

We should probably take
things slowly though.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I have to...
I just realized...

I have to go.

There's somewhere...
I have to go somewhere.

Sure. Okay.

My sister...
I'll talk to you later.

Okay.

Yes, she's due
the sixth of October.

Alright. Okay.

That was your friend,
Rachel. And these are for you.

She saw the book
at Crown Books.

How come you didn't
tell her you were pregnant?

I thought I told her. It
must have slipped my mind.

Pregnancy brain.

I was planning on waiting a
little longer to start a family.

Sow my wild oats
a little bit.

But, I feel like there is
a larger purpose for me.

Thea, you need someone who
is smart and responsible.

Oh, God.

I offer myself to you, mind
and body, heart and soul.

Let me be your
baby daddy.

Uh-uh-uh, that's
very generous of you.

But it's, you know...
that's not gonna ha...

Don't worry about it.
It's a tough decision.

Thea, can I
talk to you?

Yeah, sure, yes.

Yes, absolutely.

If you could let me know before lunch.

I have a J date
I'd have to cancel.

I don't want to do that if I don't
have to. She's a little older...

So you're
ready for tonight?

Yeah. Totally.

We should clear the air.

I've been thinking a lot
about what happened.

And I feel
terrible about it.

You do?

I'm your boss and I made...
I made a pass at you.

Nick, that's not it.
I made a pass at you.

I caught that pass
and I threw it back.

And I liked it.

You did?

Look, that's not
what it is,

I'm just afraid of...

There's a guy, Philip, at
reception. He says he's the father?

Do want me
to talk to this guy?

No, no, no.
It's okay.

I'll talk to him.

It's okay. Thank you both. Excuse me.

Young man, don't you have
any sense of responsibility?

I didn't even know, lady.
She never returned my calls.

Christ, is it
mine, Thea?

Believe me,
it's not yours.

You can't be sure.
I did the math.

Believe me.
I can be sure.

I demand a DNA test!

Yeah. I'll tell her.

Bye.

Your sister
needs you at home.

A fire
in the toilet?

Your toilet's on fire? Isn't
that technically impossible?

Who's Philip?

Uh, an old, old boyfriend.
Big misunderstanding.

Everything okay?

Yeah. Everything's okay.
No worries here.

Completely under control. But, uh, I,
I should probably get home to my sister.

I'll meet you at the party. Whoa. Sorry.

Surprise!

Hi, everyone.

Oh my God,
Aunt Betty!

Surprise, darlin'. Darlin'.

It's so good
to see you.

Aunt Jane and I just
drove in from Seattle.

Oh, Aunt, thank you, it's
so sweet of you to do this.

Thank you.

Oooh!

Ooh, it's a onesies.
Just what I needed.

We all decorated them.

Who made this one?

And this one?

What a good job, Sam!

That one's mine.

I just thought

it was
a little ironic.

More people are
coming. Hi. Who is it?

Whoa.

Hey, well, I hate to break up the
party, but, uh, we need to talk.

Everybody hang
onto your seats

just in case something
happens to her story.

Uh, no, I should get changed.
I need to be at a work event.

So thank you
for the shower, everyone.

Thank you.

Bye.

She is so out of control.
Look. She has stockpiled

all of this random stuff in her
closet. I mean, what is this? Seriously.

It was on sale.

Okay. I need you to say, My name
is Thea and I am not pregnant.

This is ridiculous.
And I've gotta go.

Come here.

You have got
to come clean.

I will. Okay?
I promise. Just not yet.

It's just I'm better pregnant.
For once, my life doesn't suck.

And I can't go back to being
Jerry's secretary or unemployed.

What are you gonna do? Stay
pregnant for the rest of your life?

People will
get suspicious.

Act like a grown-up.
Stop playing dress-up.

Oh, my God, this is ridiculous.
Take off the stomach now!

No.

Then I'm gonna
take it off for you.

Get off of me!

Let me take it off!

Get off of me.

Oh, hey! Hey, guys! Emma, stop it!

Stop it!

Let me take it off!

Making noise.

They are
making noise.

Hey! Stop it!

Take that thing off.

I said stop. Gosh.

Come on.

Stay back!

I'll get that
thing off of you.

Get off of me!

I'm gonna take
that thing off now!

Give it back!

Agh.

What are you doing?

You are so grounded!

Forever!

Uh, ladies.

I think we need
to re-group.

Stark raving mad.

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

I thought
she was pregnant.

Um.

I'm really confused.

Well, that is the last time I
throw a surprise party for anyone.

That baked zitti
goes home with me.

Sorry. I had to take
care of things with Em.

The toilet fire?

Yeah, I got the blaze under control.

You guys are amazing. This
is a great turnout. Thank you.

Okay.

Time to struggle with public
speaking. Sit back and enjoy.

You're gonna
be great.

Thanks.

What was that?
Are you guys...

I don't know.
Maybe. Kinda.

Hey. Good.

Good evening,
everyone. I'm back!

MacArthur finished
rehab a week early.

What's the matter, Nicky? You
don't look happy to see me.

Of course I am, Jerry.
Welcome back.

You're just in time
for Suzie's reading.

I got a little
surprise for you.

I just signed Rumsfeld
for his first book deal!

Donald?

No, Carlos.
Of course Donald.

I met him
at the rehab facility.

His cat had a terrible
case of sciatica.

They had to put the poor thing on
oxycontin. She got addicted. It was a mess.

I'm in the middle
of something.

Rummy's book is genius. It's
gonna put us back on the map.

It's a completely unique
opus about his time in Iraq

sprinkled with some
of his favorite recipes.

It's called "Fire It Up. "
Here's the manuscript.

It sounds great, Jerry, but I've
got a reading now. Can this wait?

You know what?
I'll be reading my book.

I'm shutting down
your little operation.

Jerry, Suzie's
book is a real gem.

It could be a hit
for the company.

What are you so afraid of? That
I might do a better job than you?

Hmm. Let me think.

Have you ever done better
than me at anything?

Hello, everybody. I've got
a treat for you tonight.

I'm gonna be reading from
Donald Rumsfeld's new book.

Here's a particularly
touching passage

about a short rib recipe he
picked up while in Baghdad.

Suzie's reading. Go read your
cookbook somewhere else, Jerry.

Step away
from the podium now!

Make me.

He begins.

Agh!

Get off!

Okay. Okay.
Stop itl That's enough.

That's enough.
Stop it. Get off of him.

How pathetic. You have to
have your secretary defend you.

She's not a secretary.

Oh, really? Then what is
she, other than shrill?

She's a fantastic editor.

Oh, that's rich.
An editor?

So I go away for a few months,
and the world's lamest accountant

is running my company with
the world's dumbest secretary.

All I can say is,

I hope your kid
doesn't inherit your brains.

Oh!

Be careful!
Be careful

Oh, God!

Oh.

What happened
to your stomach?

Oh, Nicky.

You always were such
a good judge of character.

Nick. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

I never meant for things to go this far.

Jerry was gonna fire me and I
couldn't afford to get fired.

And I thought the whole thing
would blow over in a day or two.

Blow over
in a day or two?

What kind of person
pretends to be pregnant?

Nick. I'm sorry. Just...

Please, just... Nick.

Hey, Nick, it's Thea, um

I'm kinda wondering
what you're up to.

Kinda of assuming that what
you're up to is hating me.

Kinda feeling very
bad about that.

Anyway. Call me.

Hi, Nick.
Thea again.

I just wanna say
that I'm so so sorry.

I was talking to
your mother about it.

She and I are on the
same page on this thing.

I would rather say extra virgin olive
oil. I don't wanna abbreviate it.

Hi, Nick, it's me. Uh.

I know you haven't been
interested in picking up the phone

But I just wanted to tell you
how much I really, really...

Hi.

Hi!

Wow!

So...

what have
you been up to?

Watching the Vista
on an endless loop.

It's self-inflicted torture.

That sounds healthy.

Well, it smells like
something died in here.

It did.

My soul.

Thea. You've gotta give
yourself a tiny break.

People make mistakes.

I majorly screwed up.

Well, look on
the bright side.

They're still talking
about it at work.

How's Nick doing?

I don't know.
He resigned.

What?

Did he say anything
about what he's gonna do?

If you're asking me if he said he'd
track you down and propose to you

and spend the rest
of your lives together?

No. He wasn't specific.

I've been calling
him and calling him.

And he won't call me back.

Yeah, well maybe that
has something to do

with the massively twisted lie you've
told him for the last few months.

Do you think
he'll ever forgive me?

Do you want me to be honest or do
you want me to make you feel better?

How are Suzie's book sales?

Good.

You know, uh, there's
still a few boxes

that we need to
distribute here and there.

Oh, no.

Sorry.

Hey.

Mind if I join you?

It's a free country.

Hm. What's
in this? Mint?

Yup.

It's perfect
with the pear.

It's so unexpected.

That was actually, um, my idea. I
kind of just thought it would work.

Dad would
have loved it.

Mom would have
thought it was too fussy.

But she would have polished off the
leftovers after everyone went to bed.

I'm a big fat liar and I'm
sorry you got stuck with me.

Listen, Em. We're gonna
make this work. Okay?

I made an appointment with the Culinary
Institute to talk about student loans.

And I talked to Ms.
Talbot about scholarships.

You know, Mom and Dad would
have been so proud of you.

Thanks.

It needs, um...

I think
ten more minutes.

I don't have
ten more minutes.

But it's gonna
be all gooey inside.

I'll just have
to take my chances.

Here she comes. Here
comes Claire, everybody.

I love you.

I haven't missed
a show in five years.

Thank you. But you
should get out more.

I'm kidding.

I'm Thea Clayhill,
your biggest fan.

I made you a pineapple cake.
It's your favorite, right?

Yes. Good reconnaissance. Good for you.

How did you know
about the cake?

Her May 15th show.
She said it in passing.

Hi. I have some
books for you.

Oh, great. Just leave
'em right over there.

Okay. Keep your womb open.

You've got it.

I actually would like even
more toppings on my... Hello.

Hey. Thea Clayhill, your number
one fan with banana cream pie.

You do your homework. I hope it's
as delicious as your pineapple cake.

You can hit a few more
potholes next time.

Claire, I love you.

There she is. Claire.

There she is. My number
one fan, Thea Clayhill.

Uh, pear ginger pie.

Nicely done,
Betty Crocker.

It's actually not me,
it's my little sister.

What's your angle
besides making me a pig?

Wanna get your
little sister on TV?

I really want to get this book
on TV. It's really special.

Okay. Thank you.

Thanks.

Good luck.

Hi.

I bet I'm the last person
you wanted to see right now.

Well, maybe
not the last person.

Maybe the second
or third to last person.

I wouldn't want to see my 6th grade
English teacher, Ms. Posey. She was awful.

Or my college boyfriend. He
dumped me on an answering machine.

Listen, Suzie.
I'm really sorry,

I really wish I could have been
the person you thought I was.

I just figured
if I told you the truth,

you wouldn't want me in your life
and I really enjoyed being in yours.

I really enjoyed
being in your life, too,

for what it's worth.

Well, I've got some
really good news.

We're gonna...

Ow!

Oh, my God,
are you okay?

The baby's coming.

Right now?

My water broke
this morning.

My contractions
started an hour ago. Ow!

Where is everyone?

Jesse's on his way.

What should I do? Hot water? Towels? Let's
just get in the car and go to the hospital.

A lot of people can help us
there. I can't really do much here.

No, no, no.
I'm fine. I'm fine.

My contraction ended.

It'll be hours before
I have this baby.

It's already
that painful?

You ain't seen
nothin' yet.

It's gonna get a whole lot worse
before we turn this mother out.

What were you saying?

Oh, um, the Vista
wants you.

Are you sure
this is normal?

Yes, it's fine. The Vista?
That's amazing. When?

In two hours.
They had a cancellation.

Yeah. That's not
gonna work for me.

Hurry! We're
gonna be late!

Hello.

Hi.

I think I'm sitting on
something. Like this.

Hey, Em, it's me.
I desperately need a favor.

Here you go.
Don't cry.

Emma.

Hi, Nick.

What are
you doing here?

I have to take
you somewhere.

Excuse me?

Please, don't
make me explain.

So if you just get your
keys. We really have to go.

Emma.

Come on!

You're pulling our
legs. Collectively.

We absolutely have to begin in 3
minutes. Your guy better get here.

I promise
he'll be here.

He'll be here.
It's gonna be great.

I don't know what's
keeping him so long.

It'd be really fun
to have you back again.

When we come back,
"I'm So Over This,

What It's Really Like to Be
Pregnant. " So stick around.

I need four asses
in those seats now.

Oh, my God, Lisa.
What are we gonna do?

You're gonna go.

What?

I don't wanna go.

How are you?
Thank you. Loved the book.

Come on in. Hello,
little baby. Come on up.

Hi. Hello.

Wow, Laura.
What an amazing story.

I cannot believe that beautiful
baby was born at the DMV.

So Thea,
any kids?

No, never
been pregnant.

So why another pregnancy book?
Isn't the market a bit flooded?

Well, this
one's different.

It's not a how-to book or a
bunch of rules and recipes.

These stories are ultimately
about the birth of a new love.

We're late.

I can't believe she
booked with Vista.

It can be messy but in the
end you're much stronger

for having
gone through it.

Even if you did
something you may regret.

And to be honest,
I was just helping out.

You know, I shouldn't even really be
sitting up here. It was Nick Steinwald

who's sitting in
the audience right now.

He's responsible
for the whole thing.

He believed in the book
from the beginning and...

believed in me.

And I really can't thank
him enough for that.

Stand up!

Get him a mike.

She sings your praises. What is
about the book that appealed to you?

Um, well, uh...

I thought Suzie's book had a fresh
and funny perspective on pregnancy.

Thea was right when
she said it was a book

about how love can
see you through anything.

And how...

if you love someone,

you can forgive
them for all of the...

crazy and idiotic
things they do.

Because love
is a leap of faith.

And...

sometimes you just
have to jump.

Don't you?

Wow. Okay. I'm gonna
jump in here for a second

and, uh, thank you both so much.
Again, the book is "I'm So Over This,

What It's Really
Like to Be Pregnant. "

There's a link on
our website, TheVista. Com

One last thing, Nick. Do
you know how cute you are?

Uh, no.

No, he
doesn't, does he?

Okay, thank
you very much.

Hey. Guess what?

The producer said there's
been over 100,000 hits

on the show's link
to your book. Yeah.

That's fantastic.

Thanks, Claire.

Thank you.

Hey.

Thank you.

It's the least
I could do.

I meant what I said about
I can't thank you enough,

you know, now
that it's all over.

What's over?

Working together,

being together, just
togetherness in general.

It doesn't have to be.

We made a good book together.
We can make another one.

Would you
wanna do that?

Yes. Yes, I would.

Still feel backed up?

Thanks, Greg.

Should it
freak me out

that he knows more about
your bowels than I do?

Uh, maybe that's
a good thing.

If I've been timing these
right, and I'm sure I have,

you're up in ten,
nine, eight, seven...

Ow!

Yesl Just six
seconds off.

What I'd miss?

We're contracting
every half hour.

You okay?

We're gonna kick
this puppy out at 0900.

They should
head out now.

No one's
going anywhere

the doctor said to
wait until every 15...

Wait. You're way off.

That one was not good.

Jesus. She's
having a baby. Now!

What do you mean?

Okay. No, no, no.

What the hell
are we going to do?

Move! Move!

My baby got ten
on the APGAR scores

your baby's maybe
like a seven or a eight.

If it's a boy, feel
free to name him Carl.

I forgot. Okay.

Get the epidural.

Don't screw this up.

Are you ready?

Let's hope.

I Love you.

I love you, too.
It's your fault.

Semper Fi.

Push!
Oh, not yet.