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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:07,631
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪
3
00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:11,343
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:14,346
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:17,975
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:21,311
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
7
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,828
What are you up to
there, Stewie?
11
00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:41,290
Big birthday party today,
just finishing up my card.
12
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,834
"Happy birthday, gurt"?
13
00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,502
Yeah, it's short for "yogurt."
14
00:00:45,588 --> 00:00:48,130
His mom is a doula
and his dad is a doula.
15
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,590
I like the blue truck.
16
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,383
Thanks. It was supposed
to be a fire engine,
17
00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,385
but I couldn't find
the red glitter pen.
18
00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:56,138
Well, that's our long-form
tax return done.
19
00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:57,973
I could be wrong, but I think
20
00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,349
we're getting
a million dollars back.
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00:00:59,435 --> 00:01:02,061
Oh, I'm glad you're here.
I ran out of bleach
22
00:01:02,146 --> 00:01:04,063
halfway through
my mustache treatment today,
23
00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:06,023
so, Peter, I'm gonna need you
to take Stewie
24
00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:07,524
to the bowling alley
for a party.
25
00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:09,151
Hey, Meg, I'm gonna need you
to take Stewie
26
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,861
to the bowling alley
for a party.
27
00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:12,613
I just learned the word
"delegate."
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00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:15,365
No skin off my sack.
I love the bowling alley.
29
00:01:15,451 --> 00:01:16,617
I'm coming, too.
30
00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:19,119
They got a new claw machine
with a bra in it.
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00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:22,498
We sure raised
a few fine delegates, huh?
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00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,500
Peter, I don't think you
learned the word "delegate."
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00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,628
I will not be delegated
in my own house.
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00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:29,379
This is gonna be fun, Stewie.
35
00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:31,548
Yeah, I'm pumped.
Partying's in our blood.
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We even had ancestors
at the Boston tea party.
37
00:01:34,637 --> 00:01:36,261
All right,
let's stick it to the british
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00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:37,930
and throw this tea overboard.
39
00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:39,431
How about this Earl Grey?
40
00:01:39,517 --> 00:01:41,058
Okay, you know what,
let's keep the Earl Grey.
41
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,310
We-we all have to have
breakfast, right?
42
00:01:43,354 --> 00:01:45,813
-Here goes the chamomile.
-No, no, no. You throw that out,
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00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:47,481
You're throwing
my good night's sleep away.
44
00:01:47,650 --> 00:01:49,733
How about this throat coat
with echinacea?
45
00:01:49,860 --> 00:01:51,527
Okay, you guys
are gonna hate me,
46
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:52,903
But we're coming up
on cold and flu season.
47
00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:54,613
And I just think
that would be irresponsible.
48
00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,907
-Well, what about--
-you know what,
let's just boil some water
49
00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:59,409
And write 'em
a strongly-worded letter.
50
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:05,374
Here you go, Meg.
51
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,001
You's all in lane six
with gurt's mother.
52
00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:10,045
Everybody wins.
Everybody wins here today.
53
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,214
Gurt, get your hand
out of your pants!
54
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:13,423
Thanks, Bruce.
55
00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:15,384
Hey, want to put
quesadillas in our mouths
56
00:02:15,511 --> 00:02:17,177
and flip through
a people magazine later?
57
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:19,805
Oh, I'd love to,
but this is our busiest day.
58
00:02:19,974 --> 00:02:22,224
I got five parties
and that guy over there
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00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:25,310
insists he can only bowl
like Fred Flintstone.
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00:02:25,740 --> 00:02:28,280
Dad, you were coming here
the whole time?
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00:02:28,370 --> 00:02:30,990
I don't have to tell you things
I'm keeping secret from you.
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00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:32,250
All right, Bruce, I'm up.
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00:02:42,670 --> 00:02:45,340
Yibba yabba yoo!
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00:02:49,610 --> 00:02:52,030
Stewie, William, you're up.
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00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:55,700
Well, well, well, looks like
the new kid got a pity invite.
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00:02:55,830 --> 00:02:56,950
My name's William.
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00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,330
I've been on six airplanes.
68
00:02:59,500 --> 00:03:00,870
You do sports, William?
69
00:03:00,990 --> 00:03:03,000
You ever get your ass handed
to you, sports-wise?
70
00:03:03,090 --> 00:03:05,590
Not yet, stewie, but if
you throw the ball the way
71
00:03:05,670 --> 00:03:08,590
you threw back that cake,
you should be in good shape.
72
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,630
Hope you got another set
of pins, Bruce,
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00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,760
'cause this one's
about to explode.
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00:03:12,890 --> 00:03:14,600
Well, call me Norma Rae,
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00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,640
'cause you're about
to see a strike.
76
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,850
I watch a lot of movies
at my grandma's house.
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00:03:20,730 --> 00:03:22,940
-On three?
-Oops.
78
00:03:58,350 --> 00:04:00,930
Yes! And then there were nine.
79
00:04:01,060 --> 00:04:02,190
It's not fair!
80
00:04:02,270 --> 00:04:04,810
Someone else was using
my lucky dinosaur ramp!
81
00:04:04,940 --> 00:04:07,440
Can't beat
the old strike-a-saurus!
82
00:04:07,530 --> 00:04:09,480
♪ Open the door, get on the floor ♪
83
00:04:09,610 --> 00:04:12,780
♪ Everybody bowl that dinosaur. ♪
84
00:04:16,660 --> 00:04:18,030
Are you here for shoes?
85
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:19,990
Yeah, but I'm not sure
what size I am.
86
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,540
The sizing line's
right over there.
87
00:04:22,670 --> 00:04:24,670
Just put your bare foot
on my stomach
88
00:04:24,790 --> 00:04:27,460
and I can tell you
your shoe size.
89
00:04:27,550 --> 00:04:29,420
I don't know. Next.
90
00:04:29,550 --> 00:04:30,840
Little higher.
91
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,840
I don't know. Next.
92
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,510
That'll do, pig.
93
00:04:35,550 --> 00:04:37,260
That'll do.
94
00:04:39,810 --> 00:04:40,930
Peter, you're up.
95
00:04:41,060 --> 00:04:43,850
Just got to dry my hands first.
96
00:04:43,980 --> 00:04:45,600
Ooh, how embarrassing.
97
00:04:45,690 --> 00:04:48,610
What an unexpected,
sexy turn of events.
98
00:04:48,730 --> 00:04:50,070
So, did you guys know that
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00:04:50,110 --> 00:04:52,110
Marilyn's real name
was Norma Jean?
100
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,490
-Mm-hmm.
-And if you said hello
101
00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:56,610
to Bernard Schwartz,
you'd be saying--
102
00:04:56,740 --> 00:04:58,700
Saying hello to Tony Curtis.
Yes, we know.
103
00:04:58,830 --> 00:05:01,490
"Better smile
when you say that, pilgrim."
104
00:05:01,580 --> 00:05:04,870
Marion Morrison, aka John Wayne.
105
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,670
Yep, we remember from the list
you emailed us, Joe.
106
00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:10,170
You know, Kennedy's secretary
was named Lincoln,
107
00:05:10,260 --> 00:05:12,670
And Lincoln's secretary
was named Kennedy.
108
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,920
-Kind of makes you think, huh?
-About what?
109
00:05:17,220 --> 00:05:19,260
Secretaries.
110
00:05:23,270 --> 00:05:25,100
Sorry we left such a mess.
111
00:05:25,190 --> 00:05:27,230
-Let me help you with that.
-Thanks, Meg.
112
00:05:27,310 --> 00:05:29,230
Oop, looks like more vomit,
113
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,440
and I done run out
of kitty litter to soak it up.
114
00:05:31,530 --> 00:05:34,490
That's all right, I always
keep a small bag in my purse.
115
00:05:34,610 --> 00:05:36,820
You keep kitty litter
in your purse?
116
00:05:36,910 --> 00:05:39,450
Well, there's not always
a bathroom when I need one.
117
00:05:39,580 --> 00:05:42,950
I don't know how you handle
all these kids every week.
118
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,080
Oh, I don't mind.
I like children.
119
00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:46,710
Always wanted one of my own.
120
00:05:46,790 --> 00:05:48,500
Someone I could raise
a little bit better
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00:05:48,590 --> 00:05:49,880
than my parents did me.
122
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,880
You'd be a great dad, Bruce.
123
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,920
You should totally have a kid.
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00:05:54,010 --> 00:05:55,840
I don't know if you knew this,
but it's
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00:05:55,970 --> 00:05:58,630
anatomically impossible
for a man to get pregnant.
126
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,180
Even Lindsey Graham?
127
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:03,100
Well, he's certainly giving it
the ol' college try.
128
00:06:03,220 --> 00:06:05,270
But I guess it's just
not in the cards
129
00:06:05,310 --> 00:06:06,520
for Jeffrey and me.
130
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:09,150
After all, you can't make
a bun without a oven.
131
00:06:09,270 --> 00:06:11,440
Well, I have an oven.
132
00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:13,150
I mean, it may not
close all the way,
133
00:06:13,230 --> 00:06:16,490
and it's definitely not
self-cleaning, but it works.
134
00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:18,780
You should thank
your lucky stars for that.
135
00:06:18,870 --> 00:06:20,530
Well, I don't know
if you've noticed,
136
00:06:20,660 --> 00:06:22,780
but I don't exactly
have a lot of suitors.
137
00:06:22,870 --> 00:06:24,740
It might be
because you's going potty
138
00:06:24,870 --> 00:06:26,330
in your purse all the time.
139
00:06:26,410 --> 00:06:28,960
But at least
you's able to have a baby.
140
00:06:29,750 --> 00:06:30,710
You're right.
141
00:06:30,790 --> 00:06:32,790
I can have a baby.
142
00:06:33,590 --> 00:06:35,170
Mom, dad.
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00:06:35,260 --> 00:06:37,300
I'm having
Bruce and Jeffrey's baby.
144
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:38,970
That's wonderful.
145
00:06:39,140 --> 00:06:41,430
What do you say we take this
party to the top of the stairs?
146
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,390
it's not an abortion, it's an "oopsie."
147
00:06:51,150 --> 00:06:53,110
Meg, there is no way
you are having
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00:06:53,190 --> 00:06:56,030
Bruce and Jeffrey's baby.
I forbid it.
149
00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:58,780
We agreed no more kids in the
house unless it's young Sheldon.
150
00:06:58,860 --> 00:07:00,990
Boy, is that kid a pepper pot.
151
00:07:01,070 --> 00:07:02,620
It's not what you guys think.
152
00:07:02,700 --> 00:07:03,870
I'm gonna be a surrogate.
153
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:05,620
But don't you need an egg?
154
00:07:05,700 --> 00:07:07,790
Or-or is that...
Is that a bad question to ask
155
00:07:07,870 --> 00:07:09,790
now that penises and vaginas
mean nothing?
156
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:11,960
Jeffrey and Bruce
already picked out
157
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,540
an egg donor from a website.
158
00:07:13,630 --> 00:07:14,880
Okay, as your father,
159
00:07:15,050 --> 00:07:16,550
I'd like to say something.
160
00:07:16,630 --> 00:07:18,760
You can just get
hot eggs off the internet?
161
00:07:18,930 --> 00:07:21,220
Wh-what, uh, what, uh,
what, uh, wh-wha-- uh,
162
00:07:21,300 --> 00:07:24,100
wh-wha-what website?
163
00:07:24,180 --> 00:07:26,060
Meg, this is serious.
164
00:07:26,140 --> 00:07:28,390
Pregnancy is not something
you do for money
165
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:30,480
or to keep a certain
professional athlete interested
166
00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:32,190
after he blocks your number.
167
00:07:32,270 --> 00:07:34,810
You're gonna ruin your life,
and I won't have any part of it.
168
00:07:34,940 --> 00:07:37,980
Well, too bad, 'cause I'm 18
and you can't stop me.
169
00:07:38,070 --> 00:07:41,320
Dang, no more sush for Meg
for nine whole months.
170
00:07:41,410 --> 00:07:43,780
That's honestly what you're
taking away from all this?
171
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:45,870
Well, yeah.
I'm still getting sush.
172
00:07:45,950 --> 00:07:48,240
Anyone else for sush? Dad, sush?
173
00:07:48,370 --> 00:07:50,370
Ma, sush? Chris, sush?
174
00:07:50,460 --> 00:07:52,080
Meg, no sush.
Don't even answer, Meg.
175
00:07:52,170 --> 00:07:54,000
She's like,
"aw, I want sush so bad."
176
00:07:54,090 --> 00:07:56,710
I'm like,
"no, no, Meg, no sush, babe."
177
00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:58,380
Anyway, I'm gonna go out
and get some sush.
178
00:07:58,460 --> 00:08:00,970
I'll be at cvs.
179
00:08:05,140 --> 00:08:07,260
Aw, this is embarrassing.
We wore the same thing.
180
00:08:07,390 --> 00:08:10,930
Let it be noted that I was
the one to change this time.
181
00:08:11,020 --> 00:08:12,980
Anyway, good news.
The fertilization
182
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:15,770
of the hella-more-attractive egg
was a success.
183
00:08:15,860 --> 00:08:17,400
Brucie, we did it.
184
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:19,650
I'm gonna dress him
in political t-shirts
185
00:08:19,740 --> 00:08:21,860
he can't even begin
to understand.
186
00:08:21,950 --> 00:08:23,650
Yes, so now we just
have to implant
187
00:08:23,780 --> 00:08:26,410
that very hot embryo
into Meg's body.
188
00:08:26,490 --> 00:08:27,990
-Is this gonna hurt?
-Not at all.
189
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,620
Nurse, wheel
in the implantation cannon.
190
00:08:30,750 --> 00:08:32,160
You guys are gonna
love this thing.
191
00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:35,420
A clown died in there,
but I think we got him all out.
192
00:08:54,690 --> 00:08:57,100
Can someone please go get me
a cup of buffalo sauce
193
00:08:57,190 --> 00:08:59,360
and a hollowed-out pickle
to use as a straw
194
00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:00,980
to suck up the sauce?
195
00:09:01,070 --> 00:09:03,610
Fine, but I'm making you
a grilled cheese.
196
00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:05,530
And not because
I support this pregnancy.
197
00:09:05,570 --> 00:09:08,450
I just enjoy making passive-
aggressive grilled cheeses
198
00:09:08,530 --> 00:09:09,740
for people
and then saying, "here,
199
00:09:09,830 --> 00:09:12,450
here's your freakin'
grilled cheese."
200
00:09:12,890 --> 00:09:15,100
Hey, Meg?
201
00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:16,970
How many farts
you been blasting off today?
202
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:19,020
We talking bigs and smalls?
203
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,850
Fronts? Backs? Wets? Drys?
204
00:09:20,940 --> 00:09:23,400
Ah. Well, I am gonna run
out of this room now
205
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,400
and leave a comedically-
shaped hole in the wall.
206
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:28,360
That was already there
207
00:09:28,450 --> 00:09:30,240
from dad's
drunk driving accident.
208
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,320
Nope! Running from farts!
209
00:09:36,250 --> 00:09:38,790
Man, Meg being pregnant
is almost as bad
210
00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:40,410
as when that other lady
was pregnant.
211
00:09:40,540 --> 00:09:43,130
'Member? The lady
with the loose baked-eggs rack?
212
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,250
-'Member her?
-Peter, that was me.
213
00:09:45,340 --> 00:09:47,170
And no way
was I worse than this.
214
00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:49,210
Well, maybe this'll turn out
better than you think,
215
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:52,680
like eating edible underwear
in non-sexual situations.
216
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:56,430
I can't believe you chose this
for your last meal.
217
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,970
Well, I guess
we're both "shocked" today.
218
00:09:59,060 --> 00:10:02,140
Okay, fellas, light me up.
219
00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:04,440
You know what, he's funny.
220
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,480
Now I see why our daughter
got in that van.
221
00:10:06,610 --> 00:10:09,650
Yibba yabba yoo!
222
00:10:09,740 --> 00:10:11,280
Well, maybe you're right.
223
00:10:11,410 --> 00:10:13,360
I'm just glad
this day's finally over.
224
00:10:13,450 --> 00:10:15,530
-Night, Peter.
-Night, Lois.
225
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:18,950
Mom! Dad!
226
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:20,540
Just ignore her.
227
00:10:20,670 --> 00:10:22,210
She'll tire herself out.
228
00:10:22,290 --> 00:10:23,960
Dad! Mom!
229
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,290
Please!
230
00:10:25,380 --> 00:10:27,290
Lois. The daughter's crying.
231
00:10:27,380 --> 00:10:29,250
I'm super wide awake
232
00:10:29,340 --> 00:10:31,260
and I want to eat something
really rank.
233
00:10:31,340 --> 00:10:32,880
Lois, did you hear that?
234
00:10:36,140 --> 00:10:38,310
Okay. I guess I got this one.
235
00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:46,400
Papa John,
I'm sorry to bother you,
236
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,400
but my pregnant daughter
asked that I bring her
237
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,940
the worst pizza ever,
and yours is that.
238
00:10:51,070 --> 00:10:53,200
You think we're worse
than lunchables?
239
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:54,530
-Yes.
-7-eleven?
240
00:10:54,660 --> 00:10:56,410
Look, my friend,
my friend, my friend.
241
00:10:56,530 --> 00:10:58,780
It's late,
we've done our research.
242
00:10:58,910 --> 00:11:00,410
The sauce,
the bread, the toppings,
243
00:11:00,540 --> 00:11:02,450
The way it's cooked,
the people cooking it,
244
00:11:02,580 --> 00:11:04,750
The way it tastes
like the box it comes in.
245
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:06,670
It's really, really the worst.
246
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:09,240
I mean, you even make
butter dipping sauce terrible.
247
00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:11,960
Well, do you want the butter
sauce with the pizza or not?
248
00:11:12,090 --> 00:11:14,430
Yeah, no, give me
a bunch of everything.
249
00:11:19,010 --> 00:11:20,930
What do you want, Chris?
250
00:11:21,020 --> 00:11:23,230
-Is it pump time yet?
-Why do you care?
251
00:11:23,310 --> 00:11:26,600
Meg, I'm a member of a very
specific dark web internet site.
252
00:11:26,690 --> 00:11:27,940
Don't try to find it,
you won't be able to.
253
00:11:28,110 --> 00:11:30,820
But this would be
fairly monumental there.
254
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,990
Mom, Chris is being disgusting.
255
00:11:33,070 --> 00:11:34,950
So are you.
We're all disgusting.
256
00:11:35,030 --> 00:11:37,160
That's what family is.
257
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,160
I knew this was a bad idea.
258
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,660
Yeah, marriage blows.
259
00:11:40,750 --> 00:11:42,540
No, I mean meg's pregnancy.
260
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,330
I wish we could
just fast-forward through
261
00:11:44,420 --> 00:11:46,170
The next couple of months
until she gives birth.
262
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:48,460
And this whole thing blows over.
263
00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:54,550
Well, team, I tried meth.
264
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:59,470
All right, guys, looks
like I'm really liking meth.
265
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,390
Hey, guys, I need money.
266
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,640
Like, now.
Like, yesterday! Like, now!
267
00:12:08,690 --> 00:12:10,400
Hi, Peter, my name is Marcus.
268
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,150
Your family has written
some letters
269
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:13,650
They'd like to read to you.
270
00:12:13,740 --> 00:12:15,650
You liars!
271
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,370
Weird easter this year.
272
00:12:25,660 --> 00:12:27,120
Dad, you're back!
273
00:12:27,210 --> 00:12:29,040
Ah, we missed you so much.
274
00:12:29,130 --> 00:12:30,540
Ah, I missed you guys.
275
00:12:30,670 --> 00:12:32,630
Meth was great,
but I guess it's bad.
276
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,550
I don't know, I'm not
really sold on that yet.
277
00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:36,090
We're proud of you, Peter.
278
00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:39,380
Uh, guys?
I think my water just broke.
279
00:12:39,430 --> 00:12:41,550
Oh, right,
I forgot we were doing that.
280
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,350
Well, I see nobody
brought me a doctor gift.
281
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,400
That's fine,
you still have a year.
282
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:52,860
Meg, I'm just going
to check the contractions.
283
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,650
"Should've, would've, hadn't,
284
00:12:54,820 --> 00:12:57,860
Ma'am, 'twas." Oh, they're
getting closer together.
285
00:12:57,950 --> 00:13:00,410
It's coming! It's coming!
286
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,620
Okay, we're out of gloves,
so I'm gonna catch it.
287
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:04,330
With this panda express bag.
288
00:13:04,410 --> 00:13:05,870
Are you sure this
is safe?
289
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,580
Oh, yeah,
panda bags are medical-grade.
290
00:13:07,710 --> 00:13:09,120
Just never use a subway bag.
291
00:13:09,210 --> 00:13:10,960
I've had, like, four
go right through.
292
00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:12,960
Uhp, it's in the bag already.
293
00:13:13,050 --> 00:13:14,460
It's a girl.
294
00:13:14,550 --> 00:13:16,380
What's that big
ol' vine coming out?
295
00:13:16,470 --> 00:13:19,340
She looks like one of them
pumpkins in Cinderella.
296
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:25,680
She...
297
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:27,560
She's beautiful.
298
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,640
Ooh, that's awful loud.
299
00:13:32,690 --> 00:13:35,480
Yeah, that's a pee-poo-mix
cry if I ever heard one.
300
00:13:35,570 --> 00:13:37,990
And it'll be a weird poo,
that first one, trust me.
301
00:13:38,110 --> 00:13:39,820
You-you know
that volcano in Hawaii
302
00:13:39,910 --> 00:13:42,660
where the lava just slowly rolls
through people's yards?
303
00:13:42,740 --> 00:13:44,240
It's like that, only poo.
304
00:13:44,330 --> 00:13:47,370
That does sound like
a lot to deal with.
305
00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:50,660
So, do you clean that up with,
like, kleenex and febreezes?
306
00:13:50,750 --> 00:13:53,710
You know what, why don't
I take the first shift?
307
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,840
Well, it would give us a chance
to finish doo-dadding her room.
308
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:58,380
And we have to buy every product
309
00:13:58,510 --> 00:14:01,290
of known baby expert
Jessica Alba.
310
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:03,720
Well, sounds like you guys
have a lot to talk about.
311
00:14:03,850 --> 00:14:06,140
Thanks, Meg.
We'll text you tomorrow.
312
00:14:06,310 --> 00:14:09,470
Welcome to the world,
little Liza Judy Barbra.
313
00:14:11,310 --> 00:14:13,400
All right, sush time for Meg.
314
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,560
I know you want
some hospital sush.
315
00:14:15,650 --> 00:14:18,150
No? Dad? Sush? Pepsi max?
316
00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:20,190
Ma? Diet max? Sush?
317
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,860
Chris? Max? Code red? Sush?
318
00:14:22,950 --> 00:14:25,620
No? Well, I'm getting
some sush and a max.
319
00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:27,410
I'll be at the cafeteria.
320
00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:30,370
Don't get the sush, guys.
321
00:14:41,050 --> 00:14:43,260
Okay, okay, Liza Judy Barbra.
322
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:46,680
It's time for the bottle because
I forgot to tweeze my nips.
323
00:14:48,860 --> 00:14:51,830
This is getting ridiculous.
It's been three days.
324
00:14:51,910 --> 00:14:54,700
Why haven't Bruce and Jeffrey
picked up their baby?
325
00:14:54,790 --> 00:14:57,620
I don't know.
They're, like, super busy.
326
00:14:57,710 --> 00:14:59,250
Hey, look at the bright side,
Lois.
327
00:14:59,380 --> 00:15:00,500
With that baby around,
you look like
328
00:15:00,590 --> 00:15:02,040
The hottest grandma in town.
329
00:15:02,170 --> 00:15:04,130
The hottest grandma?
330
00:15:04,260 --> 00:15:06,260
The-the hottest grandma?
331
00:15:09,090 --> 00:15:10,930
The hottest grandma!
332
00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:14,100
Ha-ha! Well, I mean, okay.
333
00:15:14,220 --> 00:15:16,310
The hottest grandma
should be Jennifer Aniston,
334
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,890
But the counting crows guy
wasn't ready to commit.
335
00:15:19,020 --> 00:15:22,150
Poor bastard thought
it was gonna be an endless run.
336
00:15:25,570 --> 00:15:27,280
That was Bruce and Jeffrey.
337
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,700
They're not coming to get Liza
Judy Barbra until tomorrow now.
338
00:15:30,820 --> 00:15:32,280
Ugh. Why not?
339
00:15:32,410 --> 00:15:34,620
Not that you guys care
about this sort of thing,
340
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:36,660
but Jeffrey wrote
a murder mystery that premieres
341
00:15:36,750 --> 00:15:39,500
tonight at the cracker barrel
in sturbridge.
342
00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:41,500
Oh, no!
343
00:15:41,590 --> 00:15:43,920
Yeah, but
if you's got to go...
344
00:15:50,010 --> 00:15:53,390
I made this a cutaway
so I could see the show.
345
00:15:55,890 --> 00:15:57,770
Peekaboo!
346
00:16:08,070 --> 00:16:10,780
Yeah, yeah, it's
hard to laugh without farting.
347
00:16:10,810 --> 00:16:13,530
Feels like you and me are on the
same page about a lot of stuff.
348
00:16:13,660 --> 00:16:17,080
We work well together,
like the employees at T.J. Maxx.
349
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:18,700
Hey, where should I put these?
350
00:16:18,790 --> 00:16:20,710
Just throw them on the floor
and step on them.
351
00:16:20,790 --> 00:16:22,960
That's our founder's motto.
352
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:26,210
T.J. Maxx. Teach your kids to drive
353
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:28,090
In our empty parking lot.
354
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:34,720
Guys, look.
355
00:16:34,810 --> 00:16:37,470
Look at me.
Now that I'm a hot grandma,
356
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,680
i bought one of those
novelty wine glasses
357
00:16:39,770 --> 00:16:42,310
that's big enough to hold
an entire bottle of wine.
358
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,690
Isn't that hilarious?
359
00:16:46,190 --> 00:16:48,110
It's okay.
360
00:16:48,190 --> 00:16:49,570
That was worth it for the joke.
361
00:16:49,650 --> 00:16:50,940
You did good, Lois.
362
00:16:51,030 --> 00:16:52,650
You're building a comedic voice.
363
00:16:52,740 --> 00:16:56,410
Okay. Here we go,
Liza Judy Barbra.
364
00:16:56,540 --> 00:16:59,450
Your first strained peas.
365
00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:03,710
Wow, she is the most memorable
366
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:06,420
and endearing baby
I've ever seen.
367
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,630
Okay, then.
368
00:17:10,590 --> 00:17:13,050
Oh, I'm sorry, are you...
Are you almost done?
369
00:17:13,140 --> 00:17:15,300
Oh, yeah, no, sorry,
I'm just, I'm doing sets.
370
00:17:15,390 --> 00:17:17,760
-I'm just doing little sets.
-Oh, cool, cool.
371
00:17:17,850 --> 00:17:19,600
-Guys, he's doing little sets.
-Cool, cool.
372
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:21,180
-Little sets.
-Cool, cool.
373
00:17:21,270 --> 00:17:22,980
Meg, I am so impressed.
374
00:17:23,060 --> 00:17:25,520
Yeah, I had no idea
you could be so maternal.
375
00:17:25,650 --> 00:17:27,980
I always saw you as
a "drive into the lake" mom.
376
00:17:28,070 --> 00:17:29,480
So did I, mom.
377
00:17:29,650 --> 00:17:32,490
But, honestly,
since Liza Judy Barbra was born,
378
00:17:32,610 --> 00:17:36,160
i feel like my life has
purpose for the first time.
379
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:37,620
Knock-knock.
380
00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:39,410
I know this may be
not a good time,
381
00:17:39,490 --> 00:17:41,540
but we just had
to come see our little angel.
382
00:17:41,620 --> 00:17:43,200
"Had to come see"?
383
00:17:43,290 --> 00:17:44,540
Where have you two been?
384
00:17:44,620 --> 00:17:46,670
Watching Mamma Mia
and making popovers.
385
00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:48,460
What is wrong with you two?
386
00:17:48,590 --> 00:17:50,380
How irresponsible can you be?
387
00:17:50,420 --> 00:17:52,510
I mean, this is your daughter
you abandoned.
388
00:17:52,590 --> 00:17:54,760
Abandoned?
We wanted to come over,
389
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,090
but Meg kept saying
it was a bad time.
390
00:17:57,180 --> 00:17:59,640
Meg, is that true?
391
00:18:03,390 --> 00:18:06,560
This baby needs me.
392
00:18:06,730 --> 00:18:09,270
It's the first living thing
that's ever needed me.
393
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:11,940
For once, my life has purpose.
394
00:18:11,990 --> 00:18:13,360
And I'm good at this.
395
00:18:13,490 --> 00:18:15,200
Better than these two, anyway.
396
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:16,700
Maybe she's right.
397
00:18:16,820 --> 00:18:19,240
What businesses
do we have raising a child?
398
00:18:19,370 --> 00:18:21,660
And how's is we supposed
to pay for her school?
399
00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:23,910
With our Tesla
and cashmere money?
400
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:25,330
I don't think so.
401
00:18:25,420 --> 00:18:27,920
We could dip into
our boozy brunch fund.
402
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:29,210
Don't you dare.
403
00:18:29,340 --> 00:18:30,790
Oh, listen to me.
404
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,460
I wouldn't know
how to raise a baby.
405
00:18:33,590 --> 00:18:36,630
I'm sure she knows that, too.
406
00:18:40,180 --> 00:18:41,300
Gaga.
407
00:18:41,430 --> 00:18:42,930
Gaga?
408
00:18:43,060 --> 00:18:44,310
Bruce, did you hear that?
409
00:18:44,390 --> 00:18:46,890
She said her first gay icon.
410
00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:48,060
Jeanne Tripplehorn.
411
00:18:48,150 --> 00:18:51,440
Oh, my god,
a second, lesser-known gay icon.
412
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:53,190
She wants her daddies.
413
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:54,650
Meg, I'm sorry.
414
00:18:54,690 --> 00:18:57,490
I know we're not perfect,
but no parent is.
415
00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:59,160
And this is our child.
416
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:00,530
She belongs with us.
417
00:19:00,660 --> 00:19:03,200
But you don't know anything
about raising a child.
418
00:19:03,250 --> 00:19:04,540
No one does.
419
00:19:04,620 --> 00:19:07,330
That's why two out of three
don't turn out right.
420
00:19:07,460 --> 00:19:09,580
But that doesn't mean
you don't try.
421
00:19:14,710 --> 00:19:18,010
Meg, we'll always appreciate
what you've done for us.
422
00:19:18,130 --> 00:19:21,430
And you'll always be a part
of Liza Judy Barbra's life.
423
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:24,850
Yeah. You'll always be
that slightly creepy teen
424
00:19:24,980 --> 00:19:28,310
who birthed our baby and then
we gradually lost touch with.
425
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,140
You better promise.
426
00:19:30,230 --> 00:19:31,770
-We do.
-We do.
427
00:19:31,900 --> 00:19:33,650
In that case...
428
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,110
...I'll take a chance on you.
429
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:39,900
♪If you're all alone ♪
430
00:19:39,990 --> 00:19:42,120
♪When the pretty birds have flown... ♪
431
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,580
-No!
-That can't be the first time
our baby hears Abba.
432
00:19:45,660 --> 00:19:48,500
That's right. It should be
at a jockstrap foam rave
433
00:19:48,580 --> 00:19:50,210
in Miami Beach, same as me.
434
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,310
What? Wait!
435
00:19:52,390 --> 00:19:54,060
But-but I'm the hot grandma!
436
00:19:54,150 --> 00:19:56,440
You're a grandma?
437
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,560
You look amazing!
438
00:19:58,610 --> 00:20:00,690
Oh, you. Come on.
439
00:20:00,780 --> 00:20:02,990
Could a grandma wear this
to a spin class?
440
00:20:03,110 --> 00:20:05,780
I mean, yes, she could,
because I did,
441
00:20:05,910 --> 00:20:07,660
so that happened.
442
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:08,690
Thank you, Meg.
443
00:20:08,830 --> 00:20:10,370
You've completed our family.
444
00:20:10,450 --> 00:20:13,700
We have our baby
and we have you.
445
00:20:13,830 --> 00:20:15,040
Well, I guess that means
446
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:17,540
I can get rid
of all my hot grandma merch.
447
00:20:17,670 --> 00:20:19,710
I'll just donate it to goodwill.
448
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,880
You know what "gilf" means,
right?
449
00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:24,380
Yeah. "God, I love fentanyl."
450
00:20:24,550 --> 00:20:26,090
You said it, pal.
451
00:20:31,850 --> 00:20:33,770
Well, Bruce and Jeffrey,
I got to say,
452
00:20:33,850 --> 00:20:35,390
you two have really stepped up
453
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:37,440
to become
a couple of great dads.
454
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:38,520
Thank you, Lois.
455
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:39,810
You sound a bit surprised
456
00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:42,320
which seems right
for a woman with that haircut.
457
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,780
But you're sweet to say so.
458
00:20:44,860 --> 00:20:46,530
Uh-oh.
459
00:20:46,660 --> 00:20:48,860
Someone's being
a little fussy britches.
460
00:20:48,950 --> 00:20:50,160
Oh, she's tired.
461
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,540
You get the lights
and I'll sing her to sleep.
462
00:20:59,340 --> 00:21:02,040
Yeah, that seems about right
for a guy with that haircut.
463
00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:04,260
Thank you, Peter.
34853
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