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tense orchestral music
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In couples
therapy, generally,
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I treat the couple as a unit
with different components.
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Some of the components need
more attention than others at
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different points in time.
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I feel like I'm functioning
almost like an orchestra
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conductor; I'm trying
to, like, you know,
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tell the violas
"Quiet down now,
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let's listen to
the bassoon more."
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Your job is not
to be intuitive...
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Mm-hm.
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It's to listen.
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Can I
say something now?
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No, just wait.
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I wanna feel what
it's like to be a witness to
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their particular performance...
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because it's really a symphony.
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Where are you,
Yaya, listening to this?
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Does any of this
make sense to you?
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Yeah, it makes me upset but...
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You don't show it.
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There are
just so many deeper issue that I
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wanna talk about that I can't!
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Do you wanna say anything?
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People often are
speaking pretty directly.
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You just have to figure out a
way to quiet down your own...
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noise and listen.
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Now that the
treatment is ending,
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I notice myself
feeling a mixture of,
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like, sad and worried
about letting them all go.
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I mean, it's-- first of all,
there's like this endless,
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like, revisiting of, like,
"Oh, but I didn't work on this,
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I didn't get to do that--"
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Yeah.
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And "I forgot to
address this issue" and--
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Yeah, of course.
There's a lot of worries.
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Yeah.
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Most of them have
been, like, really, um...
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they've come a long way,
but with Ping and Will,
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it's a...
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complicated...
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place to be in.
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I've seen her change a
lot; she's become a lot more
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self-reflective
and less reactive,
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but despite his sweet--
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Yeah,
sweet demeanor and, yeah.
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Sweet demeanor, he's
really -- as I said to him a few
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sessions ago, he
feels really encased.
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-Yeah.
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And it may not be appropriate
for either one of them...
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To stay.
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To stay with each
other because--
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Yes, and they might be hurting
each other by keeping trying.
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-Yeah.
-Um...
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But is your feeling that...
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they have it in
them to separate?
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Could they separate?
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-Yeah.
-I see.
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But then, the
question is what...
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00:03:06,895 --> 00:03:09,523
what role do I take?
61
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,858
-Good question.
-Yeah.
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How do you help people
make that terrifying decision?
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Yeah.
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smooth bluesy music
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I've been thinking
about it, and in our work,
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a lot of our conflict, it's
complicated by my own anger
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issues, right?
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And it's by my own reactions, so
I've been dialing that back as
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best I can -- I am
not a 100% yet...
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00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:38,051
Mm-hm.
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But what I'm noticing is that
as I'm keeping myself in check,
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I'm kind of observing
us and him from afar.
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Great.
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And I don't feel like in the
heat of the moment as much.
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Mm-hm.
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And I'm also...
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you know, coming to-- I don't
know if "a conclusion" is the
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00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,904
right word, but I'm beginning
to realize that he's just
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closed-off, so what
is there to work with?
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-Mm-hm.
-You know?
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-What is there to work with?
-Yeah.
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So...
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that's where I am.
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-Fair enough.
-Yeah.
85
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And where are you, Will?
86
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I'm wondering if, um...
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00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:17,257
you know, we launch
into conflict and...
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have all our
defenses up and use our full
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arsenal just 'cause...
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maybe, um...
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maybe deep down
inside, we know it is over.
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00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:35,442
Mm-hm.
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'Cause I think we
both really, really,
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00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:42,115
really, really
fucking wanted this to work.
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00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:44,910
Mm-hm.
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00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:48,413
I'm sure that's hard to say.
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But that makes sense to me that
maybe your fighting is kind of
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a...
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kind of last gasps of trying
to hold onto the marriage.
100
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:07,474
And maybe the two of you
could get to some other place,
101
00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:11,478
I feel bad that I wasn't able
to kind of shepherd you there,
102
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,688
but I think there's something
else that's going on that I've
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00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,482
been trying to
talk to you about,
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which is that there's
some way that you are...
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not fully present, because it
could be that it's not couples
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work anymore, maybe
it's individual work.
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00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:28,161
Mm.
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00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:32,165
And maybe this is where
you meet your history...
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because we've talked about how
you've come with this pattern
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already that was
established very early on...
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but that you're kind of
hopeless about connection.
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Whatever happens
between the two of you,
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that's something really
important for you to understand
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about yourself, and try
to get in touch with.
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Mm.
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What do you think, Ping?
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00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,236
I don't know, in
the back of my mind,
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00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:02,571
I'm always
thinking, "Okay, well,
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you keep saying you're done.
Are you done?
120
00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,074
Are you absolutely done?"
121
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:08,368
And I mean it; I am,
because I don't want this,
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00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:10,745
and I don't see...
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00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:14,207
a way out of it
without his participation.
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Mm-hm.
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00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:18,712
I don't wanna
have this fight anymore.
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00:06:18,753 --> 00:06:22,215
Like, seriously, I
would rather be alone.
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00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:27,721
Well, I just want to say a
word about this being done.
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Yeah.
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Which is there are all
sorts of "being done."
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You can decide, "You know what?
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This is really not what I want.
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There's no way to make
it different or better,
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and we should let go."
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Yeah.
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00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:47,741
And then there's "being
done," which is just the same as
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starting a fight or attacking;
it's sort of an attempt to
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influence by being done.
138
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And that I wanna
dissuade you from.
139
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:57,751
-Mm-hm.
-Because that's just...
140
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Right.
141
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,754
It just messes up
the whole system.
142
00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:01,922
I mean, you're not--
143
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,131
No, I see that;
yeah, I see that.
144
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:04,591
-Yeah.
-But I mean it.
145
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:07,093
-I'm done.
-Mm-hm.
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00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:10,764
I think I'm not the partner
that he expected me to be or
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00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:15,894
that he wanted me to be, that
how I was back then in the early
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00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:18,813
years is no longer the case now.
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00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:21,566
Mm-hm.
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00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,110
I don't know, I--
I-- if I'm honest,
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00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:26,613
I don't know that I can be
that person for him anymore.
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Mm-hm.
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00:07:28,031 --> 00:07:30,450
I don't know that I
can be in that lifestyle,
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and if I was at one point, it
was because I wanted to make it
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work, right?
I really wanted...
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the impossible, right?
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And-- and...
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I was wrong!
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00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:42,963
I was wrong; I was
wrong about him,
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I was wrong about us, and...
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that sucks.
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I think at the end of the day, I
really-- I want a partner that
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sees me, too, and I don't...
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I don't think it's him.
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I'm sorry.
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moody ambient music
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Today, I stand
in front of you to say,
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"I choose you to be
my life's partner.
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00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:51,531
I love you...
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00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:55,035
and I vow to love you
'til I take my last breath.
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It's a
bittersweet day.
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00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:35,575
-Mm-hm.
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00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:37,243
Bitter because we're
not gonna be sitting here with
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00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:38,453
you anymore...
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00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:40,121
I know.
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00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:41,081
And sweet because
we're not gonna be
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00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:42,248
sitting here with you anymore.
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Before these
sessions, I never...
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realized how much I
poured out onto Dale.
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00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:56,221
Mm-hm.
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00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:59,432
I always thought I had it under
control or it was just internal
182
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:02,268
and, you know, he
didn't recognize it,
183
00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:04,104
but I am projecting a lot!
184
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:05,396
Mm-hm.
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00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:07,107
-I have a lot of stuff!
-I think we both are.
186
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,274
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
187
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,484
Yeah.
188
00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:12,112
That is what couples do.
189
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:13,613
Mm-hm.
190
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:14,948
Yeah, I'm
realizing more and more;
191
00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:16,616
it's like, I play a
part in it as well.
192
00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:17,367
Mm-hm.
193
00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:20,453
There's something I gotta
take responsibility for here,
194
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:22,497
you know?
Do a little bit more work.
195
00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:23,623
Mm-hm.
196
00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:24,791
Did you just say
"responsibility?!"
197
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,668
-Oh, gosh!
-"Taking responsibility?!"
198
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:28,962
Oh my God, wow!
199
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:31,297
Yeah...
200
00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:33,299
The work is so good, you know?
201
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:36,469
It's-- you know, you
want the progress,
202
00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:39,973
you want the
positive outcome,
203
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:42,142
but it starts
emotionally draining you...
204
00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:43,643
Mm-hm.
205
00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,020
Where you don't
want to, I don't know,
206
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:47,480
push anymore.
207
00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:49,149
Mm-hm.
208
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:51,151
I think I wanna take a
break from rehashing old things.
209
00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:54,028
Yep!
Yep, yep.
210
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:56,156
I think we're good on
rehashing the old stuff.
211
00:10:57,699 --> 00:11:00,034
There's been a lot of that
over the last couple of weeks.
212
00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:01,661
Does it feel relentless?
213
00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,872
Like there's just, like, one
session after the next after the
214
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:05,498
next?
215
00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:07,333
No, I don't think it's-- I
don't think it's the sessions--
216
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:10,670
not necessarily the
sessions, just what...
217
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:12,005
kinda comes up
after the sessions.
218
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,007
It's the digging, it's
the digging into our past,
219
00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:17,177
it's the, you know, addressing
our traumas and our problems.
220
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:18,720
Mm-hm.
221
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:22,390
But, you know, it's worth it
because just seeing our parents'
222
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,851
situation and
grandparents and uncles,
223
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,352
like...
224
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:28,855
I don't wanna be a part of
the cycle where you have other
225
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:33,067
outlets to soothe something that
you can just look at head-on and
226
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:34,360
work on it!
227
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:35,195
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
228
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:35,987
You know?
229
00:11:35,987 --> 00:11:39,073
It's been a lot of escaping from
our lineage of family members.
230
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:40,366
Mm-hm.
231
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:41,534
And I
don't wanna escape,
232
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:42,577
I don't wanna run.
233
00:11:42,619 --> 00:11:44,037
Yeah.
234
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:46,206
Dale, do you have a sense
of what's been particularly
235
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:50,210
meaningful, just in terms
of what we talked about?
236
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,253
Well, at least for me,
237
00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:57,217
it was a opportunity for...
238
00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:59,093
for India to at
least hear me out.
239
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:00,720
Mm-hm.
240
00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:02,597
And in terms of, like,
the conversations that we were
241
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:05,558
having last session, there's
definitely going to have to be
242
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:09,562
some kind of emotional rewiring
now that I'm with someone that I
243
00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:10,772
can trust.
244
00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:12,732
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
245
00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,234
That's
very moving to hear.
246
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:15,735
Yeah, yeah,
that's where I'm at with it.
247
00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:17,612
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
248
00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:21,741
And I have to also be
honest and say I was...
249
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,077
I was adamant, almost, in the
beginning when were looking for
250
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:27,080
a therapist to have a
therapist of color.
251
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:30,124
It's always a debate in my mind
about whether it's better for
252
00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:33,086
people to see people
of their same race.
253
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:33,795
-Yeah.
-I don't know.
254
00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:35,588
'Cause it can work against
you as well, I think, too.
255
00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,423
-Yeah!
-It can work against you?
256
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:41,427
Yeah, if you're too familiar
with the culture and what's,
257
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:43,596
you know, kind of
almost what is expected...
258
00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:44,889
Mm-hm.
259
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,474
It's almost, like, just
kinda schlepped over.
260
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:47,433
-Yeah.
-Mm-hm.
261
00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:48,935
Yeah.
262
00:12:48,977 --> 00:12:52,438
Right, where you assume a
certain kind of sameness that
263
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:53,773
might not be true.
264
00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:54,816
Yeah.
265
00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:56,609
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
266
00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:59,779
But I really appreciate
you, because you make...
267
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:02,115
you make and you
made me feel very safe.
268
00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:04,450
-Mm-hm.
-I appreciate that.
269
00:13:04,492 --> 00:13:06,995
So I'm glad I did not
stick to my guns with one.
270
00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:08,121
-Mm-hm.
-You know?
271
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:09,455
-That was--
-I'm glad, too.
272
00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:12,125
-Yeah!
273
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:13,835
Yeah, and now, we can
have you on speed dial.
274
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,128
I know.
275
00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:17,171
-Right.
276
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:22,927
cool funky music
277
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,000
How are you two?
278
00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:55,335
We're okay.
279
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:58,004
Not as, uh...
280
00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:01,341
euphoric, I guess, as when we
started the last session but...
281
00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:02,508
Mm-hm.
282
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,052
We were, like, on
cloud nine last week.
283
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:05,345
Yeah.
284
00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:07,513
Yeah, and then
here I go just...
285
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:10,808
shoo, bringing it all down.
286
00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:14,854
You know, I was thinking about
your comment at the end of last
287
00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:16,022
session...
288
00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:17,648
Mm-hm.
289
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,736
About, like, the crushes, and
one way to think about it is
290
00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:23,529
that you were saying
to the two of you,
291
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:26,699
"Look, there's still
stuff for us to work on.
292
00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:28,201
We're not on cloud nine."
293
00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:29,535
Mm-hm.
294
00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:31,037
You know, what she
said was hurtful,
295
00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:32,413
but she kept wanting
to have conversations,
296
00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:34,040
and I was like,
"What did Orna tell you?
297
00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,875
Orna told you you need to have
the conversation with yourself,
298
00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:37,210
not me."
299
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:38,378
Mm-hm, yeah.
300
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:39,128
Talk to
your subconscious,
301
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:42,048
maybe bring it to the forefront
why you even said that.
302
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,092
I think what really
brought it to light
303
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,760
was just writing about it--
304
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:46,886
Great, so you wrote.
305
00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:47,887
'Cause she
wasn't gonna hear it,
306
00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:48,888
so I wrote about it.
307
00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:50,056
Oh, so good.
308
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,224
But I wrote just
the whole bunch of,
309
00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:52,392
like, little
details where I was like,
310
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:55,061
"Oh, do I feel like
I'm deserving of this?
311
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:58,731
Do I feel like, you know,
I'm just the one that always
312
00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:00,108
sabotages stuff?"
313
00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:02,235
-Mm-hm.
-Like, I have all these fears...
314
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:03,027
Mm-hm.
315
00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:07,740
But the one thing that I know
and that I want after writing
316
00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:10,451
all of that was her.
317
00:15:10,493 --> 00:15:11,744
Yeah.
318
00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:15,039
I choose you.
319
00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:20,586
So that comment didn't bring
us back to how we were in the
320
00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:21,629
beginning.
321
00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:22,588
It didn't bring
us-- no, no, no, no.
322
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:23,381
Good.
323
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,425
So that would have been-- so I
think that's something that we
324
00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:26,592
should be proud of.
325
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,094
-Yeah.
-Yes.
326
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,762
Like, this just took us
back a couple of steps,
327
00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:30,638
which is okay
328
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:31,931
Mm-hm.
329
00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:33,099
We know how
could it could be...
330
00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:33,891
Mm-hm.
331
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:37,937
'Cause we were there, so let's
focus on what we still need to
332
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:39,105
work on.
333
00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:40,314
Mm-hm.
334
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:41,941
We're trying.
335
00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:45,945
I feel like we're in a better
place than when we started...
336
00:15:45,987 --> 00:15:48,156
Absolutely.
337
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:50,324
Even though we're not in
our euphoric cloud anymore.
338
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:53,453
I think it's just-- we just
had to pop that bubble....
339
00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:54,787
-Yeah.
-I think that's--
340
00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:56,456
I kinda liked it
there, you know?
341
00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:58,291
Well, we can get back there--
342
00:15:58,332 --> 00:15:59,750
-Yeah.
-And just...
343
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:03,463
We can't let the work
that we've done go to waste,
344
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:04,464
you know?
345
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:05,965
Mm-hm.
346
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:08,801
And how do you feel
about it coming to an end?
347
00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:14,307
Partly, it's good.
348
00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:16,476
Partly, it's like, "Oh...
349
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:17,810
I'm sad."
350
00:16:17,852 --> 00:16:21,314
But I'm kinda happy
that I still got you.
351
00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,983
Like, she didn't walk away!
352
00:16:24,025 --> 00:16:27,487
Like, after all of this stuff,
all of the things that I said,
353
00:16:27,528 --> 00:16:30,531
all the things that I feel
like I'm putting you through,
354
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:33,659
all these draining
emotions, you're still here!
355
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:36,329
Like, I'm happy about that!
356
00:16:36,370 --> 00:16:37,997
Yeah.
357
00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:40,166
So when you say, "Oh, we're
not on cloud nine anymore,"
358
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,835
I'm like, "Yeah, but I'm still
really kinda happy inside."
359
00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:43,878
Yeah.
360
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,005
So it just...
361
00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:48,007
This experience definitely...
362
00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:50,676
it changed us.
363
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,178
It kinda brought
us back to, like,
364
00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:54,180
being in a relationship,
not just kinda like--
365
00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:55,389
Yeah, absolutely!
366
00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:56,891
Being roommates.
367
00:16:56,933 --> 00:16:58,518
Right.
368
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:01,354
Look how delighted
the two of you...
369
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,523
have become
talking to each other.
370
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,066
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
371
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:08,528
So now, it's actually...
372
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:10,530
becoming a full marriage.
373
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:13,407
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
374
00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:18,329
quirky ambient music
375
00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:24,335
You
know how some people,
376
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:27,380
especially towards the end,
they have this what we call
377
00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:28,881
"transference cure?"
378
00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:29,590
Yeah.
379
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:31,842
Like they know
it's the end of therapy,
380
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,219
so they need to present
themselves as all better?
381
00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:34,887
Yeah.
382
00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:37,890
I think Cyn and Yaya, they were
kind of going in that direction
383
00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:39,892
of being, like, the
model patients and--
384
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,102
Yeah.
385
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,229
And giving me the gift
of them being better...
386
00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:45,064
-Yeah.
-But...
387
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:47,900
luckily, Cyn could not
tolerate that level of...
388
00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:49,235
Yeah.
389
00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:50,861
-Falsity.
-Yeah.
390
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,280
She's like, "I'm not
gonna just be put in a box..."
391
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:53,406
Yeah.
392
00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:54,782
"And be,
like, good wifey."
393
00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:56,075
Yeah.
394
00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:58,452
"Things are not
perfect, but I choose you."
395
00:17:58,494 --> 00:17:59,579
Right, you know,
it's like Heaven.
396
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:00,580
Yeah, it's beautiful.
397
00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:01,622
Beautiful.
398
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:03,541
Oh!
399
00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:04,250
It was a good
experience working with them,
400
00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:08,087
even though what they presented
with was very difficult.
401
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:09,589
Right.
402
00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:11,632
But they were
willing to take chances,
403
00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:15,261
and ultimately, I felt
like there was a real...
404
00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:16,596
loving bond there.
405
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:17,930
Yes.
406
00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:20,474
It's gratifying.
407
00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:22,310
Yeah.
408
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:27,231
mellow ambient music
409
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,796
You know what's so amazing?
410
00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:53,966
Is the passage of time, right?
411
00:18:54,008 --> 00:18:56,344
Like, especially with what my
daughters are going through,
412
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:57,803
they don't need me as much...
413
00:18:57,845 --> 00:18:59,013
Mm-hm.
414
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:02,808
I've been spending so
much time feeling...
415
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:07,313
angry about the passage of time.
416
00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:09,815
But today, when I woke up
and it was, like, a new day...
417
00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:14,987
I felt so grateful
for the passage of time,
418
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:16,364
and not...
419
00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:18,658
again, "Nothing lasts forever."
420
00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:19,992
Mm-hm.
421
00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:22,328
In yoga, they call
it a "aparigraha,"
422
00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:24,163
which means, like,
"non-grasping" or
423
00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:25,206
"non-hoarding."
424
00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:26,374
Mm-hm.
425
00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:27,833
And not just
necessarily physical things,
426
00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,669
but also, like, hoarding time.
427
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:31,504
Mm-hm.
428
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:33,172
That's my insight
for the day.
429
00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:36,008
I have some associations
to what you're saying,
430
00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:38,678
but I wanna hear where the two
of you are with the passage of
431
00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:40,888
time.
432
00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:43,849
Yeah, just feeling...
433
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:45,726
more on the side of the exhale.
434
00:19:45,768 --> 00:19:46,852
-Mm-hm.
-Mm-hm.
435
00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:47,645
Mm-hm.
436
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:50,523
Felt like I was-- I feel like
I've been living at the top of
437
00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:52,525
it, like, holding my breath...
438
00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:53,693
Mm-hm.
439
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,361
Um...
440
00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:59,532
yeah, that image of, like,
a frayed electrical wire.
441
00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,033
Mm-hm.
442
00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:04,203
But now, you know, I
can't help but think about...
443
00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:07,707
what I didn't understand,
which is that by emotionally
444
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:09,583
withholding, I have
a part in this too.
445
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,210
Mm-hm.
446
00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:15,423
'Cause I think in the past, I
have mostly walked away feeling
447
00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:16,549
indignant...
448
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:19,385
-Mm-hm.
-And feeling like...
449
00:20:19,427 --> 00:20:22,888
you know, the nice guy who's
misunderstood by his wife.
450
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,060
Aha, there it is!
451
00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:30,730
That is-- that's it!
452
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,106
-It is!
-That is...
453
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:33,566
That's how I feel!
454
00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:34,775
I mean, I don't
feel that way today.
455
00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:35,901
Right.
456
00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:37,570
I have needed that
t-shirt for years!
457
00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:40,740
-Yes!
458
00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:44,076
Yeah, so I was thinking,
when you were talking about
459
00:20:44,118 --> 00:20:46,787
aparigraha, I started
to think about asteya,
460
00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:47,455
which is like--
461
00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:49,707
-About what?
-So "asteya" is like this--
462
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:53,294
So another word is "asteya,"
which means "non-stealing."
463
00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:54,754
Mm-hm.
464
00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:58,591
Which could also
refer to not just things,
465
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:00,092
of course, but...
466
00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:00,926
energy...
467
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:02,636
-Mm-hm.
-Time...
468
00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:05,973
I think that the grasping
and stealing is very good.
469
00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:07,433
-Mm-hm.
-You grasp, you steal.
470
00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:09,643
Yeah, and sometimes, I'm
stealing her time when I'm not
471
00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:12,271
even in her presence because
of what I've done to cause the,
472
00:21:12,313 --> 00:21:13,272
you know--
473
00:21:13,314 --> 00:21:13,898
That's great.
474
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:16,609
To cause that
cycle to, you know, play out.
475
00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:17,401
I don't know, I
didn't mean to, like,
476
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:20,613
wrap some sort of button on--
and bow on anything at all,
477
00:21:20,654 --> 00:21:21,405
I just-- that's sort of--
478
00:21:21,447 --> 00:21:25,951
But first of all, I very much
appreciate what you're saying.
479
00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:29,789
I'm sure it's very
meaningful for you to hear that.
480
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:33,459
You're each doing
real, good work together,
481
00:21:33,501 --> 00:21:37,254
so that's yours.
482
00:21:38,005 --> 00:21:40,633
I think that's where I...
483
00:21:40,674 --> 00:21:43,803
that's where I am
so different than...
484
00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:45,137
the first time we sat here...
485
00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:46,514
Mm-hm.
486
00:21:46,555 --> 00:21:49,433
When I wanted to run
away from this whole thing.
487
00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:52,686
Yeah.
488
00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:53,521
Mm.
489
00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:55,022
So...
490
00:21:55,064 --> 00:21:56,982
how are the two of
you feeling about,
491
00:21:57,024 --> 00:21:58,984
indeed, this stuff
you brought up from,
492
00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:02,863
like, way back in your past?
493
00:22:02,905 --> 00:22:05,324
It's funny, because even though
things are not really worked
494
00:22:05,366 --> 00:22:08,494
out, I feel relaxed...
495
00:22:08,536 --> 00:22:09,829
Mm-hm.
496
00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:13,332
And in a
more peaceful place.
497
00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:15,000
And you?
498
00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:18,170
I feel much lighter.
499
00:22:18,212 --> 00:22:21,507
It feels like it's
time just-- to me,
500
00:22:21,549 --> 00:22:24,343
I feel like, "Okay, I don't have
to keep carrying this around
501
00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:25,386
anymore."
502
00:22:25,427 --> 00:22:26,971
Mm-hm.
503
00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:31,809
I need to remember that shit
can get pretty bad in life,
504
00:22:32,434 --> 00:22:37,815
and the lesson now is, like,
you do what you have to do to...
505
00:22:37,940 --> 00:22:38,858
to face it--
506
00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:40,234
Mm-hm.
507
00:22:40,276 --> 00:22:43,529
And say it out loud
and talk about it and...
508
00:22:43,571 --> 00:22:45,364
say, "This is our life.
509
00:22:45,406 --> 00:22:46,699
Look!
510
00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:48,200
And look!
511
00:22:48,242 --> 00:22:49,535
Look, everybody!
512
00:22:49,577 --> 00:22:50,911
This is my life!
This is our life!"
513
00:22:52,580 --> 00:22:53,539
-You know?
-Mm-hm.
514
00:22:53,581 --> 00:22:55,040
-"What am I gonna say?!"
515
00:22:55,082 --> 00:22:57,042
"You think I'm this really
wonderful, nice husband.
516
00:22:57,084 --> 00:22:58,419
Well, I am!
517
00:22:58,460 --> 00:22:59,879
But I'm also all
these other things,
518
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,380
and so is Molly.
519
00:23:01,422 --> 00:23:03,591
Molly's this person that
you think she is but..."
520
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:06,719
And that makes up our...
521
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,596
that makes up our
story, you know?
522
00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:12,349
And...
523
00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:15,561
I love our story.
524
00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:25,195
I don't think we
should say anything else.
525
00:23:26,322 --> 00:23:29,909
"ACOUSCOUS" by EMAWK
526
00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:35,122
Tea for the first
time in a long time
527
00:23:35,164 --> 00:23:37,917
Looking for a good
sign all in good time
528
00:23:37,958 --> 00:23:40,085
Take two
529
00:23:40,127 --> 00:23:44,089
Take a
breather for you...
530
00:23:44,131 --> 00:23:45,799
Thank you.
531
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:47,259
A break from
the melancholy
532
00:23:47,301 --> 00:23:50,262
A break from the
melancholy...
533
00:23:50,304 --> 00:23:51,597
Thank you.
534
00:23:51,639 --> 00:23:54,266
Thank you.
Buh-bye.
535
00:23:54,308 --> 00:23:56,936
But not always
536
00:24:01,315 --> 00:24:02,983
You good
537
00:24:03,025 --> 00:24:05,945
Here's a free
pass, just sit back
538
00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:08,280
Close your eyes and just
539
00:24:08,322 --> 00:24:10,950
Be
540
00:24:12,034 --> 00:24:14,078
Be
541
00:24:15,371 --> 00:24:17,957
Here's a free
pass, just sit back
542
00:24:17,998 --> 00:24:20,793
Close your eyes and just
543
00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:24,129
Be
544
00:24:24,171 --> 00:24:26,465
Be
545
00:24:26,507 --> 00:24:29,134
Kitchen conversations,
seas over seas
546
00:24:29,176 --> 00:24:31,845
Sounds like
everything I need
547
00:24:31,887 --> 00:24:34,014
Take three
548
00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:38,143
Take a breather for me
549
00:24:38,185 --> 00:24:41,021
Put down the shell, let
the waves hit your soul
550
00:24:41,063 --> 00:24:43,857
And let yourself
finally let go
551
00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:47,611
Take three
552
00:24:47,695 --> 00:24:51,156
Take a breather for me
553
00:24:51,198 --> 00:24:54,159
Anybody wanna ask
about it
554
00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:56,996
Anybody need to
ask about it
555
00:24:57,037 --> 00:25:00,791
Anybody need to ask
about it ...
44599
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