All language subtitles for Couples Therapy (2019) - S01E03 - Episode 3 (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 Silence)_track3_[eng]

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:15,136 --> 00:00:17,345 We got in a big fight on Saturday. 2 00:00:17,637 --> 00:00:18,345 So tell me. 3 00:00:18,637 --> 00:00:19,720 [laughs] 4 00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:22,011 We were in bed 5 00:00:22,011 --> 00:00:23,637 and it was really early, 6 00:00:23,637 --> 00:00:24,929 like, maybe 6:00 a.m. -- 7 00:00:25,387 --> 00:00:26,679 -6:00 a.m. -Mm-hm. 8 00:00:26,970 --> 00:00:28,970 I got up to go to the bathroom, 9 00:00:28,970 --> 00:00:30,387 and when I came back 10 00:00:30,387 --> 00:00:31,512 Lauren was, like, 11 00:00:31,845 --> 00:00:33,303 on my side of the bed. 12 00:00:33,637 --> 00:00:34,428 I just said, 13 00:00:34,428 --> 00:00:35,053 "Scoot over." 14 00:00:35,679 --> 00:00:36,595 And... 15 00:00:36,595 --> 00:00:38,887 she, like, kind of moved 16 00:00:39,387 --> 00:00:40,553 and then I was like, "You're -- 17 00:00:40,553 --> 00:00:42,136 like, you're on my pillow." 18 00:00:42,553 --> 00:00:44,387 and so I, like, got my -- 19 00:00:44,387 --> 00:00:45,387 she, like, lifted up, 20 00:00:45,387 --> 00:00:46,387 I got my pillow, 21 00:00:46,387 --> 00:00:47,762 I put my head on the pillow, 22 00:00:47,762 --> 00:00:48,720 and then she put her pillow down. 23 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:50,303 And I was like, "Now you're on my head." 24 00:00:50,970 --> 00:00:53,595 And she yelled and was like -- 25 00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:54,804 Yelled saying...? 26 00:00:55,095 --> 00:00:57,220 "You're all the way on that side of the bed 27 00:00:57,220 --> 00:00:59,011 an-- over in your corner 28 00:00:59,011 --> 00:01:00,804 and I woke up on this side of the bed 29 00:01:00,804 --> 00:01:02,136 and now I just want to snuggle you." 30 00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:03,762 And I said, "Okay, if I'm on the -- 31 00:01:04,053 --> 00:01:04,762 in the corner, 32 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:06,804 you don't get to just come and take my corner." 33 00:01:06,804 --> 00:01:08,679 -Mm-hm. -And then, she got... 34 00:01:08,679 --> 00:01:10,428 real mad...and... 35 00:01:10,428 --> 00:01:11,845 told me to go fuck off 36 00:01:11,845 --> 00:01:12,679 and grabbed her pillows 37 00:01:12,679 --> 00:01:13,595 and slept on the couch 38 00:01:13,595 --> 00:01:14,762 for the rest of the morning. 39 00:01:16,387 --> 00:01:19,762 ♪groovy bass and drum beat♪ 40 00:01:32,470 --> 00:01:33,345 [knife slice] 41 00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:36,220 [cat meows] 42 00:01:43,387 --> 00:01:45,553 I had woken up and went to the restroom... 43 00:01:46,178 --> 00:01:49,470 and I hadn't really gotten to see her 44 00:01:49,470 --> 00:01:51,011 or connect with her. 45 00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:53,178 And so I think I was really craving, like, 46 00:01:53,178 --> 00:01:55,762 just some physical touch and attention -- 47 00:01:55,762 --> 00:01:56,804 [Orna] Mm-hm. 48 00:01:56,804 --> 00:01:59,720 [Lauren] and so I got back into bed and I... 49 00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:02,679 -snuggled up to her. -Mm-hm. 50 00:02:02,679 --> 00:02:04,053 I will add that, 51 00:02:04,053 --> 00:02:04,929 when we go to sleep, 52 00:02:04,929 --> 00:02:06,261 we snuggle every night. 53 00:02:06,261 --> 00:02:07,720 But it's been a thing. 54 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,845 -It has been a thing about -- -Through our relationship... 55 00:02:09,845 --> 00:02:10,887 that she's been like, "Get away." 56 00:02:10,887 --> 00:02:11,679 Like -- like -- 57 00:02:11,679 --> 00:02:12,929 Oh, come on. 58 00:02:12,929 --> 00:02:14,011 -I've never said -- -Well, no, not "Get away." 59 00:02:14,011 --> 00:02:15,011 -But it's been like -- -Wait. 60 00:02:15,011 --> 00:02:17,220 Let's do each their own version. 61 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:17,637 Okay. 62 00:02:18,261 --> 00:02:20,261 Say your version unedited. 63 00:02:21,261 --> 00:02:23,220 I-- I-- I feel it is like... 64 00:02:23,679 --> 00:02:25,512 "Get away, I need like, my space." 65 00:02:25,512 --> 00:02:26,512 -Mm-hm. -Or... 66 00:02:26,512 --> 00:02:28,261 perhaps I am, like, 67 00:02:28,261 --> 00:02:29,804 scooting over in the night -- 68 00:02:29,804 --> 00:02:30,929 -Mm-hm. -but... 69 00:02:30,929 --> 00:02:33,136 She -- like, no matter where we start off the -- 70 00:02:33,136 --> 00:02:34,303 the evening at, 71 00:02:34,303 --> 00:02:36,261 when I wake up, I kind of, like... 72 00:02:36,887 --> 00:02:38,845 -want to be near her. -Mm-hm. 73 00:02:38,845 --> 00:02:41,220 I think she'll say that, like, she said... 74 00:02:41,845 --> 00:02:42,887 to scoot over in, like, 75 00:02:42,887 --> 00:02:44,428 -a normal tone -- -Mm-hm. 76 00:02:44,428 --> 00:02:46,553 It didn't really feel like a normal tone. 77 00:02:46,553 --> 00:02:47,887 It felt like...? 78 00:02:47,887 --> 00:02:49,637 -Rejection. -Mm-hm. 79 00:02:49,887 --> 00:02:51,428 So let's -- so just -- just -- 80 00:02:51,428 --> 00:02:53,679 just for the sake of, like, understanding 81 00:02:53,679 --> 00:02:56,303 the subtext of these kind of dynamics, 82 00:02:56,303 --> 00:02:59,011 if you had to say what it feels like 83 00:02:59,011 --> 00:03:01,553 if you go a notch under, like, 84 00:03:01,553 --> 00:03:02,970 the rational part of it, 85 00:03:02,970 --> 00:03:03,970 wh-- what -- 86 00:03:03,970 --> 00:03:06,220 what's goin' on there for you? 87 00:03:09,595 --> 00:03:10,553 It's like... 88 00:03:10,553 --> 00:03:11,595 God damn it, I'm just, like -- 89 00:03:11,595 --> 00:03:12,387 I just want 90 00:03:12,387 --> 00:03:14,470 -to be near you -- -Mm-hm. 91 00:03:15,387 --> 00:03:16,553 and you're, like, 92 00:03:16,553 --> 00:03:18,095 -pushing me away -- -Mm-hm. 93 00:03:18,095 --> 00:03:20,595 and I f-- I feel like I get, like... 94 00:03:20,887 --> 00:03:22,637 -snapped at -- -Mm-hm. 95 00:03:22,637 --> 00:03:23,303 As if...? 96 00:03:24,387 --> 00:03:25,178 I don't know. 97 00:03:25,178 --> 00:03:26,303 Like, maybe that I'm... 98 00:03:26,804 --> 00:03:28,220 selfish or... 99 00:03:32,553 --> 00:03:34,303 -too much? -too much. 100 00:03:34,887 --> 00:03:36,303 -Maybe. -Mm-hm. 101 00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:37,762 Like I'm, like, smothering, or -- 102 00:03:37,762 --> 00:03:38,887 [Orna] Mm-hm. 103 00:03:39,178 --> 00:03:40,095 Okay, like... 104 00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:41,595 what did you hear Lauren say? 105 00:03:41,595 --> 00:03:43,428 What's Lauren's ultimate experience 106 00:03:43,428 --> 00:03:44,762 of this kind of -- 107 00:03:44,762 --> 00:03:45,804 That I was attacking her 108 00:03:45,804 --> 00:03:46,970 first thing in the morning 109 00:03:46,970 --> 00:03:48,929 for trying to snuggle me. 110 00:03:49,512 --> 00:03:50,345 No. 111 00:03:51,762 --> 00:03:53,345 That's not what she said. 112 00:03:55,637 --> 00:03:56,720 What I heard, 113 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,595 an-- and tell me if I'm capturing something, 114 00:03:58,595 --> 00:04:00,512 what I heard Lauren say is... 115 00:04:00,970 --> 00:04:03,720 "I'm coming to you with my... 116 00:04:05,053 --> 00:04:07,345 want for love and affection... 117 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:11,845 and you're rejecting me as if I'm too much. 118 00:04:11,845 --> 00:04:13,011 It is too much. 119 00:04:13,011 --> 00:04:13,970 Hold on, hold on. 120 00:04:13,970 --> 00:04:15,178 D-- don't -- stay -- 121 00:04:15,178 --> 00:04:16,887 you're moving back to yourself. 122 00:04:17,512 --> 00:04:20,053 You know, this -- this business of, like, 123 00:04:20,053 --> 00:04:22,261 coming close to someone 124 00:04:22,261 --> 00:04:24,720 is a place of, like, great vulnerability. 125 00:04:25,220 --> 00:04:27,637 To feel like you're doing it wrong there 126 00:04:27,637 --> 00:04:29,261 has the potential to be, like, 127 00:04:29,261 --> 00:04:30,762 deeply wounding. 128 00:04:31,053 --> 00:04:32,428 -Mm-hm. -Humiliating. 129 00:04:34,887 --> 00:04:35,804 But is that -- 130 00:04:35,804 --> 00:04:37,011 Lauren, is that -- 131 00:04:37,011 --> 00:04:39,136 is there more to this? 132 00:04:40,637 --> 00:04:41,679 Yeah, I mean, obviously, 133 00:04:41,679 --> 00:04:42,720 it has to be. 134 00:04:43,011 --> 00:04:45,136 Like, the way I reacted... 135 00:04:45,679 --> 00:04:46,387 was... 136 00:04:47,470 --> 00:04:48,679 over-the-top. 137 00:04:49,011 --> 00:04:50,553 [Sarah] This wasn't even the fight. 138 00:04:50,553 --> 00:04:52,428 The fight lasted all fuckin' day -- 139 00:04:52,428 --> 00:04:53,804 -Mm-hm. -because... 140 00:04:53,804 --> 00:04:55,679 she chose to, like, get super angry 141 00:04:55,679 --> 00:04:56,887 -Mm-hm. -and just keep... 142 00:04:56,887 --> 00:04:57,804 digging 143 00:04:57,804 --> 00:05:00,011 and start bringing up past shit. 144 00:05:00,011 --> 00:05:01,762 And all I had been saying was 145 00:05:02,053 --> 00:05:03,095 "Gimme some space." 146 00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:05,762 -I mean, I don't -- -It feels like...? 147 00:05:06,053 --> 00:05:07,470 She's ignoring... 148 00:05:07,470 --> 00:05:08,929 -my boundary. -Mm-hm. 149 00:05:09,345 --> 00:05:12,637 And it feels like she's ignoring it because... 150 00:05:12,637 --> 00:05:14,053 'Cause she just wants what she wants 151 00:05:14,053 --> 00:05:15,887 and she doesn't give a shit where I'm at. 152 00:05:15,887 --> 00:05:17,178 -I see. -Or what I want. 153 00:05:18,512 --> 00:05:19,345 [Orna] Mm-hm. 154 00:05:25,220 --> 00:05:27,553 I mean, it's indicative of a bigger problem. 155 00:05:27,553 --> 00:05:28,804 Like, this is... 156 00:05:31,178 --> 00:05:32,845 how a lot of things operate -- [laughs] 157 00:05:32,845 --> 00:05:34,345 in our relationship. 158 00:05:35,804 --> 00:05:36,970 Meaning? 159 00:05:37,261 --> 00:05:38,637 There has been, like, 160 00:05:38,637 --> 00:05:40,595 this sense of entitlement in the past... 161 00:05:41,136 --> 00:05:41,845 that we -- 162 00:05:42,845 --> 00:05:44,804 has been, like, at the core of our problems. 163 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:47,220 -And -- -Tell me about that. 164 00:05:48,303 --> 00:05:49,553 [Sarah] Lauren is the breadwinner 165 00:05:49,553 --> 00:05:50,804 in our family. 166 00:05:51,428 --> 00:05:53,220 In the very beginning, it was like... 167 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,970 I was her assistant, because... 168 00:05:55,970 --> 00:05:57,053 I didn't have... 169 00:05:57,804 --> 00:05:58,553 Like... 170 00:05:58,553 --> 00:06:00,470 I was...figuring my shit out, 171 00:06:00,762 --> 00:06:01,428 job-wise. 172 00:06:02,470 --> 00:06:04,053 It's not like we had a conversation and I'm like, 173 00:06:04,053 --> 00:06:06,512 -"You're my assistant." -No, I didn't say that. 174 00:06:07,303 --> 00:06:08,845 But that's how you treated me. 175 00:06:09,804 --> 00:06:13,220 But since you're not the one making money, then... 176 00:06:13,220 --> 00:06:14,887 -Then I should be doing -- -you should help. 177 00:06:14,887 --> 00:06:16,261 It was expected that, like, 178 00:06:16,261 --> 00:06:17,887 I was gonna get up every morning before her 179 00:06:17,887 --> 00:06:19,720 and make the coffee and give it to her 180 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:21,095 and when she came home from work, 181 00:06:21,095 --> 00:06:22,845 I was gonna have dinner on the table, 182 00:06:22,845 --> 00:06:23,804 and, like... 183 00:06:23,804 --> 00:06:26,220 I was gonna do all the laundry, and like -- 184 00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:28,345 that I was gonna be there to do everything. 185 00:06:28,345 --> 00:06:29,679 I -- I don't think that's totally true. 186 00:06:30,220 --> 00:06:31,595 I think there -- 187 00:06:31,595 --> 00:06:33,428 there was a bit of... 188 00:06:33,428 --> 00:06:34,303 like... 189 00:06:34,637 --> 00:06:36,845 I'm trying to... 190 00:06:37,136 --> 00:06:39,053 help us survive and, like -- 191 00:06:39,679 --> 00:06:40,970 -By making money. -get this new job... 192 00:06:40,970 --> 00:06:43,387 and make money and... 193 00:06:43,387 --> 00:06:44,428 I needed help. 194 00:06:47,762 --> 00:06:49,512 We have struggled with... 195 00:06:50,845 --> 00:06:51,679 this. 196 00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:54,220 I felt, to an extent, that... 197 00:06:54,845 --> 00:06:57,929 yes, if someone's going to sacrifice some time... 198 00:06:58,970 --> 00:07:00,887 it makes sense for... 199 00:07:01,178 --> 00:07:02,553 the person who's not... 200 00:07:03,595 --> 00:07:04,929 -earning -- -Mm-hm. 201 00:07:05,595 --> 00:07:06,595 close -- like -- 202 00:07:06,595 --> 00:07:07,428 close to as much -- 203 00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:09,011 like, not even close to, like -- 204 00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:10,220 who's not -- 205 00:07:10,220 --> 00:07:10,887 in the grand scheme of things 206 00:07:10,887 --> 00:07:12,136 wasn't earning -- 207 00:07:12,136 --> 00:07:15,512 wasn't keeping us afloat, even in the -- the slightest 208 00:07:15,970 --> 00:07:17,887 that that -- that made sense. 209 00:07:17,887 --> 00:07:18,887 I have -- 210 00:07:19,220 --> 00:07:20,136 But there's not -- 211 00:07:20,136 --> 00:07:21,178 I mean, you didn't invent 212 00:07:21,178 --> 00:07:22,387 that paradigm, right? 213 00:07:22,387 --> 00:07:23,720 -Right. -That money equals... 214 00:07:24,053 --> 00:07:24,887 power... 215 00:07:25,220 --> 00:07:26,637 and money equals some privilege 216 00:07:26,637 --> 00:07:28,345 in the relationship. 217 00:07:28,345 --> 00:07:29,762 And it is something that we have -- 218 00:07:29,762 --> 00:07:31,345 we have -- we have talked through -- 219 00:07:31,345 --> 00:07:33,220 -Mm-hm. -and I have worked on -- 220 00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:34,804 -Yeah. -and in has been very, 221 00:07:34,804 --> 00:07:37,303 very, very hard to... 222 00:07:37,762 --> 00:07:39,512 -switch that mindset -- -Mm-hm. 223 00:07:40,136 --> 00:07:42,804 In the past, I would say "entitlement." 224 00:07:42,804 --> 00:07:43,845 -Yes. -Mm-hm. 225 00:07:43,845 --> 00:07:44,970 Today... 226 00:07:45,470 --> 00:07:46,303 it's... 227 00:07:47,970 --> 00:07:49,470 I just feel like it kind of comes 228 00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:50,762 from a place of... 229 00:07:51,428 --> 00:07:53,178 "I don't know how to keep up." 230 00:07:54,261 --> 00:07:56,845 -Mm-hm. -I-- I-- I-- 231 00:07:56,845 --> 00:07:58,345 I am... [sighs] 232 00:07:59,095 --> 00:08:00,595 I'm nervous... 233 00:08:01,053 --> 00:08:02,595 when there's dishes... 234 00:08:03,136 --> 00:08:04,595 -around. -Mm-hm. 235 00:08:08,261 --> 00:08:10,011 Because you don't want to do them. 236 00:08:10,011 --> 00:08:11,720 -Can I ask a question? -I mean, like... 237 00:08:12,178 --> 00:08:14,053 It's not because I don't want to do them. 238 00:08:14,053 --> 00:08:16,136 I don't mind doing the dishes. 239 00:08:16,136 --> 00:08:17,512 I just -- I-- 240 00:08:18,845 --> 00:08:20,679 I just don't have that much 241 00:08:20,679 --> 00:08:22,011 time that often 242 00:08:22,011 --> 00:08:23,387 And -- and -- I-- 243 00:08:23,387 --> 00:08:24,804 I don't -- I don't know -- 244 00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:25,929 [Orna] And maybe you don't feel like 245 00:08:25,929 --> 00:08:27,178 it's your job? 246 00:08:28,178 --> 00:08:30,720 Because you're more of the breadwinner? 247 00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,011 [snaps] Ding-ding-ding. 248 00:08:34,261 --> 00:08:35,303 [Sarah] If we're working -- 249 00:08:35,303 --> 00:08:36,053 let me ask you this. 250 00:08:36,053 --> 00:08:37,220 If you and I are both working 251 00:08:37,220 --> 00:08:39,136 the same amount of hours -- 252 00:08:39,136 --> 00:08:39,845 Mm-hm. 253 00:08:40,804 --> 00:08:42,428 whose responsibility is it to clean the house? 254 00:08:42,428 --> 00:08:44,220 And to make sure shit gets done? 255 00:08:45,261 --> 00:08:46,553 Ideally, we should both split it. 256 00:08:47,470 --> 00:08:49,053 When does that happen? 257 00:08:49,053 --> 00:08:50,303 -Not that often. -Well, can I just ask... 258 00:08:50,303 --> 00:08:52,011 I know it's not a... 259 00:08:52,470 --> 00:08:54,637 PC question to ask, but... 260 00:08:54,637 --> 00:08:55,887 and does it matter how much money 261 00:08:55,887 --> 00:08:57,220 each person is bringing? 262 00:08:59,095 --> 00:09:00,470 I think... 263 00:09:00,887 --> 00:09:02,011 [sighs] 264 00:09:05,220 --> 00:09:07,220 in my gut, I feel like yeah. 265 00:09:08,887 --> 00:09:10,011 It... [sighs] 266 00:09:13,345 --> 00:09:14,679 [sighs] 267 00:09:17,345 --> 00:09:20,053 ♪funky music♪ 268 00:09:30,220 --> 00:09:31,261 [bark] 269 00:09:36,011 --> 00:09:37,053 [barking] 270 00:09:47,929 --> 00:09:49,178 -How are you? -Hi. 271 00:09:49,178 --> 00:09:50,136 -Hello. -Hi. 272 00:09:50,136 --> 00:09:51,512 Oh, it's cool in here. 273 00:09:53,929 --> 00:09:56,720 I sought therapy for us 274 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,637 because I believe that I wanted 275 00:09:58,637 --> 00:10:00,220 a renegotiation 276 00:10:00,220 --> 00:10:01,303 and without help, 277 00:10:01,303 --> 00:10:03,804 he wasn't gonna take my... 278 00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,178 opinion... 279 00:10:05,178 --> 00:10:07,887 with as much respect or... 280 00:10:08,178 --> 00:10:09,428 weight as his own. 281 00:10:09,428 --> 00:10:10,178 Mm-hm. 282 00:10:10,178 --> 00:10:11,720 I bring things to you 283 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,053 -that mean a lot to me -- -Mm-hm. 284 00:10:14,053 --> 00:10:15,553 and you... 285 00:10:15,804 --> 00:10:17,095 are very -- 286 00:10:18,011 --> 00:10:19,679 -Dismissive? -Yeah. 287 00:10:19,679 --> 00:10:23,679 Do you recognize any of this kind of -- 288 00:10:23,679 --> 00:10:26,345 [laughs] I understand why she feels this way. 289 00:10:26,345 --> 00:10:28,637 No, but do you recognize that in yourself? 290 00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:32,595 I recognize w-- why... 291 00:10:32,595 --> 00:10:34,011 she sees that. 292 00:10:34,303 --> 00:10:36,178 So I -- I know what she's talking about -- 293 00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:37,178 [Orna] Yeah. 294 00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,970 but it'd be, like, me... 295 00:10:39,387 --> 00:10:40,970 you know, telling you what 296 00:10:40,970 --> 00:10:43,178 -one side of this is -- -Mm-hm. 297 00:10:43,178 --> 00:10:44,428 and then thinking it's the whole side. 298 00:10:44,428 --> 00:10:45,804 Alright, I got it, yeah. 299 00:10:45,804 --> 00:10:47,011 If you look at it that way, 300 00:10:47,011 --> 00:10:48,512 that's what you're gonna see. 301 00:10:48,512 --> 00:10:49,345 If you look at it a different way, 302 00:10:49,345 --> 00:10:50,512 you'll see something else. 303 00:10:50,512 --> 00:10:51,595 -Right, okay, so the -- -There was -- 304 00:10:51,595 --> 00:10:52,762 Wait, wait, stop. 305 00:10:52,762 --> 00:10:53,929 So this is exactly what I -- 306 00:10:53,929 --> 00:10:56,220 this is exactly what I was talking about. 307 00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:57,637 I'll say... 308 00:10:57,970 --> 00:10:59,387 "Don't say that, that's mean" -- 309 00:10:59,387 --> 00:11:01,053 -Mm-hm. -and -- and then 310 00:11:01,053 --> 00:11:01,845 the other si-- 311 00:11:01,845 --> 00:11:03,053 so here's the one side is 312 00:11:03,053 --> 00:11:04,095 "That's mean, 313 00:11:04,095 --> 00:11:06,011 those are ugly words you're throwin' at me" -- 314 00:11:06,011 --> 00:11:07,679 -Mm-hm. -Or like making me feel... 315 00:11:08,011 --> 00:11:09,220 small, 316 00:11:09,220 --> 00:11:10,011 but the other side is, 317 00:11:10,011 --> 00:11:11,011 that you can't wait to show me, 318 00:11:11,011 --> 00:11:12,095 is what a great and supportive 319 00:11:12,095 --> 00:11:13,011 husband you are 320 00:11:13,011 --> 00:11:15,220 and how supportive and da-da-da, 321 00:11:15,220 --> 00:11:16,679 which just makes my side... 322 00:11:17,261 --> 00:11:18,345 irrelevant, 323 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,845 which is your whole point of doing it. 324 00:11:20,387 --> 00:11:22,303 Baby, that -- that was a terrible example. 325 00:11:22,303 --> 00:11:23,303 You are being 326 00:11:23,303 --> 00:11:24,220 mean to me. 327 00:11:26,011 --> 00:11:27,053 I already said that I understand 328 00:11:27,053 --> 00:11:28,303 why you feel that way. 329 00:11:28,303 --> 00:11:29,387 But you don't! 330 00:11:29,387 --> 00:11:30,845 -Yeah, I do. -You absolutely don't. 331 00:11:30,845 --> 00:11:32,178 -I still do. -Okay, but if -- 332 00:11:32,178 --> 00:11:34,053 I did when I said it and I still do [indistinct] 333 00:11:34,053 --> 00:11:35,512 Okay, then so what part of that 334 00:11:35,512 --> 00:11:36,637 is on you? 335 00:11:36,637 --> 00:11:37,887 But -- but what is -- 336 00:11:37,887 --> 00:11:39,220 what is -- what -- 337 00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:40,804 just say, what part is on you? 338 00:11:41,887 --> 00:11:42,804 Well -- [sighs] 339 00:11:43,261 --> 00:11:44,303 the reason -- a -- 340 00:11:44,303 --> 00:11:45,345 a part -- uh... 341 00:11:45,345 --> 00:11:46,178 Look. 342 00:11:48,845 --> 00:11:51,303 It -- it can happen in certain situations -- 343 00:11:51,303 --> 00:11:52,970 -Mm-hm. -um... 344 00:11:52,970 --> 00:11:56,595 But the constant in those other situations 345 00:11:56,595 --> 00:11:58,512 is the way that you're approaching it. 346 00:11:58,804 --> 00:12:00,470 -This is-- -Well, that's a dynamic. 347 00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:01,887 That's a couple dynamic. 348 00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:03,929 I mean you're saying to Annie, 349 00:12:04,261 --> 00:12:05,637 "Look, there's a part that is yours, 350 00:12:05,637 --> 00:12:07,345 which is the way you approach me. 351 00:12:07,345 --> 00:12:08,512 Mm-hm. 352 00:12:08,512 --> 00:12:09,637 What part's yours? 353 00:12:10,095 --> 00:12:10,970 [Orna] But say, 354 00:12:10,970 --> 00:12:12,762 "And here's where I can meet you. 355 00:12:13,261 --> 00:12:14,637 -Here's my part." -Yeah, I mean -- 356 00:12:14,637 --> 00:12:16,679 Look, I'm struggling to find what that is 357 00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:18,136 -because -- -Come on. 358 00:12:18,136 --> 00:12:19,011 You can. 359 00:12:19,553 --> 00:12:20,345 No, no. 360 00:12:20,345 --> 00:12:21,387 I'm being sincere when -- 361 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:23,178 You already have it. 362 00:12:23,470 --> 00:12:24,637 Your -- your -- 363 00:12:24,637 --> 00:12:26,470 it's not missing from your relationship. 364 00:12:26,470 --> 00:12:27,345 [Orna] Then just say it again. 365 00:12:27,345 --> 00:12:29,095 Even if you're doing that effort, 366 00:12:29,095 --> 00:12:30,303 you could just say, 367 00:12:30,303 --> 00:12:31,887 "Here's what I'm trying to do." 368 00:12:33,512 --> 00:12:34,470 Here's what I'm already 369 00:12:34,470 --> 00:12:35,762 successful at doing. 370 00:12:36,095 --> 00:12:37,387 That's not the same thing. 371 00:12:37,804 --> 00:12:40,512 I think you'll get way more traction 372 00:12:40,512 --> 00:12:41,929 if you say, 373 00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:42,887 rather than say 374 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:44,345 "I've been doing it all this time," 375 00:12:44,345 --> 00:12:45,720 is if you say, 376 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,261 "I can try harder... 377 00:12:47,637 --> 00:12:48,470 to... 378 00:12:49,178 --> 00:12:50,804 not be dismissive. 379 00:12:54,804 --> 00:12:55,845 What triggers me 380 00:12:55,845 --> 00:12:58,011 is when you talk to me in this way or that way, 381 00:12:58,011 --> 00:13:00,804 but I still wanna keep making the effort to -- 382 00:13:01,929 --> 00:13:03,261 -Mm-hm. -Be respectful." 383 00:13:04,929 --> 00:13:06,679 Yeah, that's insulting. 384 00:13:06,970 --> 00:13:08,303 -To whom? -To me. 385 00:13:08,303 --> 00:13:09,637 -That -- that's a -- -Okay -- 386 00:13:09,637 --> 00:13:11,387 that's a ridiculous thing to say to me. 387 00:13:11,387 --> 00:13:12,178 Bear that insult. 388 00:13:12,178 --> 00:13:12,970 It'll be good for your marriage. 389 00:13:12,970 --> 00:13:14,136 No, I won't do it 390 00:13:14,136 --> 00:13:15,136 and I don't want it. 391 00:13:15,136 --> 00:13:16,136 I-- If you could -- 392 00:13:16,136 --> 00:13:17,887 if you were to give me 393 00:13:17,887 --> 00:13:20,387 everything I ever wanted by doing that, 394 00:13:20,387 --> 00:13:21,011 I'd say no. 395 00:13:21,011 --> 00:13:22,762 I'd rather have nothing 396 00:13:22,762 --> 00:13:24,053 than have that. 397 00:13:27,053 --> 00:13:29,595 [Orna] It feels like we're going nowhere, in a way, 398 00:13:29,595 --> 00:13:31,387 because of his... 399 00:13:31,387 --> 00:13:33,470 defensiveness and... 400 00:13:33,804 --> 00:13:35,970 he won't make use of anything 401 00:13:35,970 --> 00:13:37,387 that I say and very little 402 00:13:37,387 --> 00:13:39,345 -of what his wife says. -Mm-hm. 403 00:13:39,345 --> 00:13:41,970 So it feels like I'm up against this, like, 404 00:13:41,970 --> 00:13:43,220 armor of resistance. 405 00:13:43,220 --> 00:13:43,845 Uh-huh. 406 00:13:44,804 --> 00:13:47,261 His claim is that everyone... 407 00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:48,637 gets dismissed... 408 00:13:49,303 --> 00:13:50,720 -at various points -- -In the world, in life -- 409 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,303 -In the world. -Yeah, right. 410 00:13:52,303 --> 00:13:54,053 -And that she should just -- -No, I know. 411 00:13:54,053 --> 00:13:54,720 Yeah. 412 00:13:55,512 --> 00:13:57,178 She -- he says, "She should suck it up. 413 00:13:57,178 --> 00:13:59,428 -I give her so much -- -Mm-hm. 414 00:13:59,428 --> 00:14:01,053 and we would have peace. 415 00:14:01,512 --> 00:14:04,303 [Orna] This is where it gets wrapped up in feminism. 416 00:14:04,595 --> 00:14:05,428 -Yeah. -Like, is it 417 00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:07,011 a legit thing... 418 00:14:08,095 --> 00:14:09,261 to... 419 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:13,178 say "Okay, this marriage will keep its peace... 420 00:14:13,178 --> 00:14:16,095 if she gives up on a certain kind of -- 421 00:14:16,095 --> 00:14:17,929 -No, I hear what you're saying. -recognition of her 422 00:14:17,929 --> 00:14:20,303 -subjectivity. -I hear what you're saying. 423 00:14:20,303 --> 00:14:21,220 And, uh, 424 00:14:21,220 --> 00:14:22,970 it is a bad choice for her. 425 00:14:23,512 --> 00:14:24,970 Whether he can... 426 00:14:25,303 --> 00:14:26,095 get beyond it, 427 00:14:26,095 --> 00:14:27,804 that would only have to do with 428 00:14:27,804 --> 00:14:29,428 the treatment that he's in with you. 429 00:14:29,887 --> 00:14:32,136 There's no other way he's gonna get beyond it. 430 00:14:37,679 --> 00:14:41,887 ♪soft tense strings ♪ 431 00:14:58,261 --> 00:15:00,929 [video game noises] 432 00:15:04,303 --> 00:15:07,428 ♪♪♪ 433 00:15:17,512 --> 00:15:19,804 She wants me... 434 00:15:20,637 --> 00:15:24,261 to be attentive to her at all times. 435 00:15:24,261 --> 00:15:26,553 She wants me to... 436 00:15:27,011 --> 00:15:29,512 respond to her at all times. 437 00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:30,762 Um... 438 00:15:30,762 --> 00:15:32,553 She wants... 439 00:15:32,553 --> 00:15:33,637 more... 440 00:15:34,512 --> 00:15:35,929 than I'm able to give her. 441 00:15:35,929 --> 00:15:37,679 -Mm-hm. -Period. 442 00:15:37,679 --> 00:15:38,887 Okay, what -- what's the more -- 443 00:15:38,887 --> 00:15:40,762 -Attention, attention. -Attention. 444 00:15:40,762 --> 00:15:41,553 Okay. 445 00:15:41,845 --> 00:15:43,553 I-- I can't please her. 446 00:15:43,553 --> 00:15:44,887 I-- I don't... 447 00:15:44,887 --> 00:15:47,679 I'm not -- I don't have what she needs. 448 00:15:47,679 --> 00:15:49,220 I can't give it to her. 449 00:15:49,679 --> 00:15:51,679 I'm -- I'm just really angry, 450 00:15:51,679 --> 00:15:53,970 sad, and frustrated all at once, 451 00:15:53,970 --> 00:15:54,637 I guess. 452 00:15:55,679 --> 00:15:57,720 If I say to him, "Let's go out. 453 00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:58,845 Let's do something. 454 00:15:58,845 --> 00:16:00,720 Let's go to brunch or something," he'll -- 455 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:02,887 he -- he -- he won't do it. 456 00:16:02,887 --> 00:16:04,303 I feel like I'm -- I'm... 457 00:16:04,303 --> 00:16:06,929 chasing something or someone -- 458 00:16:06,929 --> 00:16:08,470 -Mm-hm. -And I-- 459 00:16:08,470 --> 00:16:10,553 that's -- I-- I'm not -- that's -- 460 00:16:10,553 --> 00:16:11,762 I don't want to. 461 00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:12,762 Do you -- 462 00:16:12,762 --> 00:16:14,512 do you want to say something now? 463 00:16:14,512 --> 00:16:17,261 So, if we have this routine 464 00:16:17,261 --> 00:16:19,220 where we'll -- we'll go out on the weekend 465 00:16:19,220 --> 00:16:21,345 and we'll do brunch and we're hanging out together 466 00:16:21,345 --> 00:16:23,303 and we'll do this routine... 467 00:16:25,553 --> 00:16:28,261 17 consecutive weekends in a row 468 00:16:28,261 --> 00:16:31,261 and the one weekend where I don't want to 469 00:16:31,261 --> 00:16:33,762 you know, this is the tirade that I get. 470 00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:38,053 The last time that we actually did that routine 471 00:16:38,053 --> 00:16:40,929 was probably la-- in the summer some time ago. 472 00:16:40,929 --> 00:16:43,095 -And if that -- -We do it all the time . 473 00:16:43,095 --> 00:16:44,720 Let me -- how could we have done it 474 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:45,720 if you were't waking up 475 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:46,720 to go to the gym with me 476 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:47,679 and I was going to the gym 477 00:16:47,679 --> 00:16:48,762 -by myself? -But we hang out. 478 00:16:48,762 --> 00:16:49,595 -When? -On the weekend. 479 00:16:49,595 --> 00:16:50,512 Name it. Name it. 480 00:16:50,512 --> 00:16:52,261 -We'll go eat. -Name it. 481 00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:54,929 -Name it. -Every Saturday and Sunday. 482 00:16:54,929 --> 00:16:57,011 You know, I work with couples a lot... 483 00:16:57,512 --> 00:17:01,095 so let me see if I can save you the time 484 00:17:01,095 --> 00:17:04,011 of arguing about facts about what happened. 485 00:17:04,011 --> 00:17:04,970 [Elaine] Mm-hm. 486 00:17:05,220 --> 00:17:06,220 It doesn't work. 487 00:17:06,220 --> 00:17:07,804 Like, arguing "Did it happen this way? 488 00:17:07,804 --> 00:17:08,845 Did it happen that way? 489 00:17:08,845 --> 00:17:09,637 Did you -- 490 00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:10,929 did we go 17 times 491 00:17:10,929 --> 00:17:12,679 or did we not go since... 492 00:17:12,679 --> 00:17:13,470 August?" 493 00:17:14,136 --> 00:17:15,762 You're not going to go anywhere 494 00:17:15,762 --> 00:17:17,178 with that kind of argument. 495 00:17:17,178 --> 00:17:19,387 Instead, let's think about 496 00:17:19,387 --> 00:17:21,136 what's really of importance 497 00:17:21,136 --> 00:17:22,762 to the two of you about this. 498 00:17:22,762 --> 00:17:23,970 -Mm-hm. -Right? 499 00:17:23,970 --> 00:17:25,470 What's really at the heart of it. 500 00:17:25,470 --> 00:17:26,512 I think... 501 00:17:27,387 --> 00:17:29,929 he wants it to be a situation 502 00:17:29,929 --> 00:17:32,220 where we live with each other 503 00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:33,512 and not interact. 504 00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:36,303 That's what it feels like. 505 00:17:36,595 --> 00:17:38,637 He thinks sitting on a couch like this 506 00:17:38,637 --> 00:17:39,845 just staring into the box 507 00:17:39,845 --> 00:17:41,428 is us interacting. 508 00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,762 And so anything outside of that, 509 00:17:43,762 --> 00:17:46,553 for him, is effort that he does not want to... 510 00:17:46,553 --> 00:17:47,095 exert. 511 00:17:48,428 --> 00:17:50,178 I'm assuming you're not gonna agree 512 00:17:50,178 --> 00:17:51,970 with that description, right? 513 00:17:52,261 --> 00:17:53,929 -No. -No. 514 00:17:55,095 --> 00:17:56,762 So that's not it. 515 00:17:57,470 --> 00:17:58,428 That -- I-- I-- 516 00:17:58,428 --> 00:17:59,887 that's what I feel. 517 00:17:59,887 --> 00:18:00,804 That's what I feel is -- 518 00:18:00,804 --> 00:18:02,470 That's what you feel, but that's -- 519 00:18:02,470 --> 00:18:03,261 you're not -- 520 00:18:03,261 --> 00:18:04,220 you have to find a place where 521 00:18:04,220 --> 00:18:06,011 you actually agree on what's going on 522 00:18:06,011 --> 00:18:07,595 between the two of you because 523 00:18:07,595 --> 00:18:10,512 you're characterizing it in a very extreme way. 524 00:18:11,178 --> 00:18:13,804 You're each getting polarized 525 00:18:13,804 --> 00:18:16,178 into your own extreme version. 526 00:18:18,345 --> 00:18:20,679 Let's try to find out what's really going on, 527 00:18:20,679 --> 00:18:22,261 not your... 528 00:18:22,261 --> 00:18:23,804 fears of what's going on. 529 00:18:25,053 --> 00:18:26,845 We used to go out a lot more. 530 00:18:26,845 --> 00:18:28,845 We used to go on a lot of trips. 531 00:18:29,470 --> 00:18:31,303 We spent more time together 532 00:18:31,303 --> 00:18:32,887 and we had fun together, 533 00:18:32,887 --> 00:18:34,220 and we laughed together. 534 00:18:34,929 --> 00:18:36,011 And, um... 535 00:18:36,011 --> 00:18:38,595 -not so much anymore. -Mm-hm. 536 00:18:39,095 --> 00:18:40,345 But I can't put a finger on it. 537 00:18:40,345 --> 00:18:43,387 But you're saying something changed in your... 538 00:18:44,220 --> 00:18:46,470 way of being in the relationship? 539 00:18:46,470 --> 00:18:48,470 Something definitely changed. 540 00:18:48,470 --> 00:18:49,428 And you're saying in -- 541 00:18:49,428 --> 00:18:51,387 in how much you've wanted to please? 542 00:18:51,637 --> 00:18:53,136 I think for me, 543 00:18:53,470 --> 00:18:55,387 there's a lot of, um... 544 00:18:55,679 --> 00:18:58,011 I don't want to reward 545 00:18:58,345 --> 00:18:59,553 the behavior that -- 546 00:18:59,553 --> 00:19:00,762 because, you know, I-- 547 00:19:00,762 --> 00:19:01,762 you know, I-- 548 00:19:01,762 --> 00:19:03,845 there are a lot of times I feel like... 549 00:19:04,595 --> 00:19:05,512 um... 550 00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:06,679 you know, she's done or said something 551 00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:07,887 that I don't like 552 00:19:07,887 --> 00:19:09,303 or she acts in a way I don't like... 553 00:19:09,595 --> 00:19:12,512 I just don't want to reward that behavior anymore. 554 00:19:12,512 --> 00:19:14,470 -I'm -- I'm not -- -So you... 555 00:19:15,136 --> 00:19:17,720 -retreat -- -I guess that's -- 556 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:18,887 as a way to punish? 557 00:19:18,887 --> 00:19:20,679 Not as a way to punish, it's just -- 558 00:19:20,679 --> 00:19:22,011 Well, "not reward" is punish. 559 00:19:22,553 --> 00:19:23,428 Okay. 560 00:19:25,428 --> 00:19:26,679 -Maybe that's it. -It's -- you're having -- 561 00:19:26,679 --> 00:19:27,929 you're trying to have an impact 562 00:19:27,929 --> 00:19:29,261 by retreating. 563 00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:32,845 A passive impact by saying 564 00:19:32,845 --> 00:19:33,929 "I don't want this beha-- 565 00:19:33,929 --> 00:19:35,512 This -- I don't approve 566 00:19:35,512 --> 00:19:36,762 of this behavior." 567 00:19:36,762 --> 00:19:37,720 -Yes. -Yeah. 568 00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:40,887 And the behavior you don't approve of is...? 569 00:19:42,595 --> 00:19:43,553 [sighs] I don't know, 570 00:19:43,553 --> 00:19:45,095 she gets mad all the time. 571 00:19:45,095 --> 00:19:47,136 She's always mad at something. 572 00:19:47,136 --> 00:19:49,512 She's always yelling at something. 573 00:19:50,303 --> 00:19:53,887 You know, anger is rarely a primary emotion... 574 00:19:54,428 --> 00:19:54,720 right? 575 00:19:55,553 --> 00:19:56,512 Usually, anger is, like, some kind of 576 00:19:56,512 --> 00:19:58,220 defense against something else. 577 00:19:59,178 --> 00:20:00,637 Feeling humiliated, 578 00:20:00,637 --> 00:20:01,804 feeling sad 579 00:20:01,804 --> 00:20:03,470 feeling hurt... 580 00:20:03,929 --> 00:20:05,512 You know, people don't like to... 581 00:20:05,512 --> 00:20:08,261 feel vulnerable, so they put up anger. 582 00:20:09,095 --> 00:20:11,804 So your way of avoiding the fighting... 583 00:20:12,261 --> 00:20:14,720 is to try to minimize interaction -- 584 00:20:15,387 --> 00:20:16,970 Yeah. Oh, yeah. 585 00:20:16,970 --> 00:20:19,136 [Orna] Like, you could be offering more 586 00:20:19,136 --> 00:20:20,970 and you're withholding maybe because 587 00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:23,095 you're resentful or... 588 00:20:23,845 --> 00:20:24,345 Yeah. 589 00:20:24,804 --> 00:20:26,595 So what if, 590 00:20:26,595 --> 00:20:28,095 when you want to withdraw 591 00:20:28,095 --> 00:20:30,470 -and minimize interaction -- -Mm-hm. 592 00:20:30,470 --> 00:20:31,470 go towards. 593 00:20:32,261 --> 00:20:34,470 You hear what Elaine wants from you, right? 594 00:20:34,929 --> 00:20:37,470 She wants to spend time with you. 595 00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:39,762 [laughs] 596 00:20:44,637 --> 00:20:46,512 -Yes? -Yes. 597 00:20:47,345 --> 00:20:49,011 You're laughing because...? 598 00:20:49,011 --> 00:20:50,512 I feel like... 599 00:20:51,428 --> 00:20:53,220 I will do that, right? 600 00:20:53,220 --> 00:20:55,512 And I'll do that for... 601 00:20:56,178 --> 00:20:57,804 six days out of the week. 602 00:20:57,804 --> 00:20:59,512 -Mm-hm. -That seventh day -- 603 00:20:59,512 --> 00:21:00,387 Mm-hm. 604 00:21:00,387 --> 00:21:02,011 if she wants me to do something 605 00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:03,011 and I don't wanna do it 606 00:21:03,011 --> 00:21:04,512 -or I can't do it -- -Mm-hm. 607 00:21:05,011 --> 00:21:06,553 It's all for naught 608 00:21:06,553 --> 00:21:08,220 -and it's just like, "You --" -Okay, then we have -- 609 00:21:08,220 --> 00:21:09,303 then we have to deal with that 610 00:21:09,303 --> 00:21:11,220 and I will help the two of you deal with that. 611 00:21:11,220 --> 00:21:12,804 I don't -- I don't feel like I want 612 00:21:12,804 --> 00:21:14,929 to deal with that ...anymore. 613 00:21:15,261 --> 00:21:16,637 Well, what's -- uh... 614 00:21:16,637 --> 00:21:17,720 I'm here. 615 00:21:18,053 --> 00:21:19,470 You can't -- that's not -- 616 00:21:19,470 --> 00:21:20,553 -[laughs] -No! 617 00:21:21,470 --> 00:21:22,929 No, we're working. [laughs] 618 00:21:22,929 --> 00:21:23,762 All right. 619 00:21:24,679 --> 00:21:26,428 -No out. -Okay. 620 00:21:26,845 --> 00:21:29,428 -Stay in. -[laughs] 621 00:21:30,595 --> 00:21:31,970 [Orna] What are you thinking? 622 00:21:37,804 --> 00:21:39,303 -I-- -How are you feeling? 623 00:21:39,303 --> 00:21:40,637 I'm raging. 624 00:21:40,637 --> 00:21:42,220 You're raging? You look sad. 625 00:21:43,679 --> 00:21:45,011 Yeah, that too. 626 00:21:45,512 --> 00:21:46,178 [Orna] So... 627 00:21:47,053 --> 00:21:48,345 what are you sad about? 628 00:21:52,929 --> 00:21:54,804 [sighs] 629 00:21:58,929 --> 00:22:00,595 [sighs] 630 00:22:03,762 --> 00:22:05,428 [sighs] 631 00:22:07,887 --> 00:22:09,345 I'm just tired of... 632 00:22:10,220 --> 00:22:12,178 -feeling like this. -Mm-hm. 633 00:22:14,470 --> 00:22:16,970 And then to hear him say that... 634 00:22:16,970 --> 00:22:18,595 he's punishing me... 635 00:22:19,512 --> 00:22:22,428 like, WTF, right? 636 00:22:22,887 --> 00:22:23,970 Like, what? 637 00:22:24,387 --> 00:22:26,512 Oh, I put that word in his mouth. 638 00:22:26,512 --> 00:22:27,679 But it's -- but... 639 00:22:27,679 --> 00:22:29,720 I heard it even before you said it 640 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,595 because it's like what you said: 641 00:22:31,887 --> 00:22:33,637 not rewarding is punishing. 642 00:22:35,053 --> 00:22:37,053 [Orna] Right, but you're taking that to mean 643 00:22:37,053 --> 00:22:39,303 -that he is punishing-- -Trying to hurt you -- 644 00:22:39,303 --> 00:22:42,261 But what else do you think it means? 645 00:22:42,261 --> 00:22:43,637 I'm not trying to hurt you. 646 00:22:43,637 --> 00:22:45,428 You're taking it to mean that you're being punished 647 00:22:45,428 --> 00:22:49,053 for wanting Desean's company, right? 648 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,720 No, it's -- it's just -- it's -- 649 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,470 I-- I just feel like... 650 00:22:55,261 --> 00:22:57,553 I'm trying to force a situation 651 00:22:57,553 --> 00:22:58,553 that he doesn't want. 652 00:22:58,553 --> 00:23:00,095 He clearly said it. 653 00:23:00,095 --> 00:23:01,470 What -- you're hearing something 654 00:23:01,470 --> 00:23:02,637 -that I didn't hear. -That's what I heard. 655 00:23:02,637 --> 00:23:04,303 But help me understand what you heard. 656 00:23:04,303 --> 00:23:06,637 He doesn't wanna put the work into... 657 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,303 into that process, right? 658 00:23:09,303 --> 00:23:11,178 Like -- like, spending the time 659 00:23:11,178 --> 00:23:12,387 and going through those -- 660 00:23:12,679 --> 00:23:15,470 through that, for him, is too much effort. 661 00:23:16,261 --> 00:23:18,679 -That's not what I heard. -That's what I heard. 662 00:23:18,929 --> 00:23:21,970 No, what I heard is... 663 00:23:21,970 --> 00:23:24,178 he wants to spend time with you, 664 00:23:24,178 --> 00:23:25,762 he wants to make the effort. 665 00:23:25,762 --> 00:23:28,428 He -- he is extremely averse 666 00:23:28,428 --> 00:23:29,553 to conflict. 667 00:23:29,970 --> 00:23:31,095 Do you understand that? 668 00:23:31,553 --> 00:23:33,095 There's no conflict. 669 00:23:33,970 --> 00:23:34,804 Right, but what -- 670 00:23:34,804 --> 00:23:37,428 you have a high tolerance for... 671 00:23:38,011 --> 00:23:39,095 um... 672 00:23:39,970 --> 00:23:42,887 conflict, energy, anger. 673 00:23:43,387 --> 00:23:44,553 Desean doesn't. 674 00:23:45,387 --> 00:23:47,261 From your point-of-view, 675 00:23:47,261 --> 00:23:50,178 the more you feel like there's anger 676 00:23:50,178 --> 00:23:52,345 or criticism coming your way, 677 00:23:52,345 --> 00:23:54,553 -the more you retreat. -Yes. 678 00:23:55,053 --> 00:23:56,053 and you're saying, 679 00:23:56,053 --> 00:23:57,428 "If only... 680 00:23:57,428 --> 00:23:58,804 my partner over there 681 00:23:58,804 --> 00:24:00,720 would stop being angry... 682 00:24:01,804 --> 00:24:03,970 -I could give more. -Yeah. 683 00:24:04,637 --> 00:24:06,303 I would want to please more." 684 00:24:06,303 --> 00:24:07,178 Yes. 685 00:24:07,637 --> 00:24:08,929 Elaine is saying... 686 00:24:09,804 --> 00:24:11,387 "I want more connection. 687 00:24:11,387 --> 00:24:13,387 I want more simple togetherness, 688 00:24:13,387 --> 00:24:14,720 doing things together." 689 00:24:16,804 --> 00:24:18,220 The more you retreat, 690 00:24:18,220 --> 00:24:19,804 the more abandoned, 691 00:24:19,804 --> 00:24:21,720 alone, rejected... 692 00:24:21,970 --> 00:24:23,303 Elaine feels... 693 00:24:24,261 --> 00:24:26,178 the more rejected Elaine feels 694 00:24:26,178 --> 00:24:27,929 the more she'll go after you. 695 00:24:29,970 --> 00:24:32,553 Gives each of you a pretty clear idea 696 00:24:32,553 --> 00:24:34,512 of what you need to do to change that dynamic. 697 00:24:36,929 --> 00:24:37,512 Okay. 698 00:24:42,887 --> 00:24:43,804 Okay. 699 00:24:46,887 --> 00:24:48,178 -Okay. -[sighs] 700 00:24:48,679 --> 00:24:49,845 -We're done? -We're done. 701 00:24:49,845 --> 00:24:51,345 -Thank you. -Okay. 702 00:24:52,220 --> 00:24:55,345 ♪bluesy rock music♪ 703 00:24:56,220 --> 00:24:57,178 [Sarah] Thank you. 704 00:24:57,887 --> 00:24:58,595 -Bye. -Thank you. 705 00:25:00,845 --> 00:25:02,470 All right, good night, guys. 706 00:25:02,470 --> 00:25:03,261 Thank you so m-- 707 00:25:03,261 --> 00:25:04,095 Can I give you a hug? 708 00:25:04,095 --> 00:25:04,845 Yes, you can. 709 00:25:04,845 --> 00:25:06,095 Thank you. 710 00:25:06,095 --> 00:25:07,512 -See you. -Bye. 711 00:25:07,512 --> 00:25:08,428 G'bye. 712 00:25:11,053 --> 00:25:12,595 ♪...feelin' ♪ 713 00:25:14,470 --> 00:25:18,011 ♪I got a bad feelin'♪ 714 00:25:20,136 --> 00:25:21,637 ♪Mmm ♪ 715 00:25:22,387 --> 00:25:23,637 ♪I got an itchy mind♪ 716 00:25:23,637 --> 00:25:25,804 ♪Got thoughts that I can't scratch♪ 717 00:25:27,929 --> 00:25:29,470 ♪I got a parasite♪ 718 00:25:29,470 --> 00:25:31,512 ♪That I just cannot detach♪ 719 00:25:31,512 --> 00:25:34,637 ♪And I've got a bad feelin'♪ 720 00:25:36,887 --> 00:25:38,553 ♪And I don't feel right♪ 721 00:25:39,637 --> 00:25:41,470 ♪No I don't feel right♪ 722 00:25:42,637 --> 00:25:46,220 ♪'Cause I got a bad feelin'♪ 723 00:25:47,095 --> 00:25:48,303 ♪About it♪ 724 00:25:48,303 --> 00:25:51,804 ♪I got a bad feelin'♪ 725 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:53,845 ♪About it♪ 726 00:25:55,261 --> 00:25:58,136 ♪And I can't stop holdin' on to it♪ 727 00:25:58,428 --> 00:26:00,845 ♪And I can't stop holdin' on to this♪ 728 00:26:01,345 --> 00:26:03,512 ♪Bad feelin'♪ 729 00:26:05,345 --> 00:26:07,261 ♪And I don't feel right♪ 730 00:26:13,178 --> 00:26:15,095 ♪I can't slow it down♪ 731 00:26:15,095 --> 00:26:16,845 ♪And I can't catch my breath♪ 732 00:26:18,178 --> 00:26:22,261 ♪And I feel paralyzed by things that ain't happen yet♪ 733 00:26:22,261 --> 00:26:25,845 ♪'Cause I got a bad feelin'♪ 734 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:29,428 ♪And I don't feel right♪ 48466

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