Original subtitles

Buy 50,000 shares of soy bean futures

and a put option on the S&P Index

that expires at midnight.

Then dump all the inflation-protected

treasury bonds and 15-year CDs.

And then I want you to move all that cash

into Nikkei Futures.

Liquidate the oil, put a freeze on gas.

Transfer half my derivatives into the high-grade portfolio!

Transfer the other half into the low-grade portfolio!

Then merge those portfolios!

And we're completely clear of Kappa Kappa Capital, right?

Great.

Man, it is good to be alive.

Oh, and don't forget shares of Fremulon Insurance.

That stock is on...

On fire!

This is all that remains of Philip Grammbbowski.

- He was a rising star on Wall S... - Sorry!

Ugh!

Unbelievable traffic!

Yaas!

Grammbbowski ran a private wealth fund

worth $4.4 billion under management.

Whoa. That's a lot of bread.

Food shame much?

He was a rising star on Wall Street

until he was ostracized for his bizarre ideas.

Wait just one goddamn minute.

We got a first name on this guy?

Philip.

Makes sense.

He had everything going for him...

White, male, rich.

An unbeatable combination until yesterday,

when somebody tanned him to death.

Serves him right, the greedy bastard.

Who the hell needs a billion dollars? Large countries.

Well-connected political families.

Billionaires.

Because of the very large nature of his wealth,

the Special Division Force is going to figure out

who killed him and why.

Get me some answers, people.

Don't bother. It's password-protected.

Well, it's a good thing I'm here.

Is it?

What's your problem with me?

You're overconfident, hubristic,

aloof, dismissive.

So you can say something nice.

Now, passwords are an expression of subconscious thoughts.

You can hide behind it, but I'll find you.

Talk to me, Philip. Who are you?

Chicago Cubs pennant.

Ficus plant.

Bowl of M&Ms.

Rothko print.

What's the cat's name? Mr. Jingles.

Oh, my God! It's so obvious.

And it's written on a Post-It note

pasted on his screen.

1-2-3-4-6.

That's easy to remember.

I'm in.

Why don't we try that folder that says "My Documents"?

It's a Hail Mary, but let's do it.

This is a list of Grammbbowski's clients

and what trades he's made on their behalf.

He moved $1.4 billion

out of something called Kappa Kappa Capital

the day before he was killed, but why?

It was one of his best performers.

And what's this note by the trade that says "saltine"?

What is that?

Beats me. Could mean anything.

Her name is Norrah Newt.

Sorry, Murphy. Above your pay grade.

Ms. Newt is... Or should I say is...

A notorious vulture capitalist and corporate raider.

Her firm, Kappa Kappa Capital,

is famous for buying up companies,

selling them for their parts, then buying those parts

and putting them back together to form the original company.

Sounds like a real stand-up gal.

Not since she left comedy 15 years ago

and started day-trading.

Now her company is worth 57 billion and one dollars.

That's some serious cheese.

It's part of my cleanse. We found out Grammbbowski

recently pulled nearly $1.5 billion

of his clients' money out of Kappa Kappa Capital.

So Newt gets her revenge by frying Grammbbowski to a crisp.

It's possible, but we don't have any proof.

That's why we're going undercover

in the complex, aggressive world of high finance.

With all due respect, sir,

I'm gonna have to sit this one out.

These Wall Street scumbags have created an economy

that only works for the rich.

We can sing their praises all day long,

but we still have a job to do.

Our next stop is the financial capital of the world...

Des Moines, Iowa.

Now, the world of finance has

changed a lot in the last 30 years.

It's absolutely nothing like '80s movies about Wall Street.

Hey, Tribeca. How's it going?

Can't wait for tomorrow 'cause I get better looking every day.

Love the hair, by the way.

Flattery will get you everywhere. Counting on it.

Hey, Scholls, how was your date last night?

Are you kidding? I took her to Mostaccioli's.

It was a sure thing. How'd you get a rez there?

Banged the manager.

Hey, Hoffman, loving the tie. Bill Blass?

What's happening, Charo?

I have no reference point for this era.

Morning, son. What looks good?

Oh, I don't know... People being able

to raise themselves out of poverty,

having a chance at a good education,

a middle class.

You are treading on thin ice, mister.

Now lose the attitude

and cheat some people out of their money.

Hello, this is Angela Geils from Kappa Kappa Capital.

Did you know that there are some very interesting opportunities

available in the stock market that you might not be aware of?

Oh, yeah? What are they?

Uh, for example, you could buy something called

Scabuble Shaving Systems. That sounds great.

Put me down for a million dollars' worth.

Uh, sir, I don't recommend... Make it two million.

I got to go.

Here's your commission, Mr. Geils.

Oh, my God, I'm rich!

Ms. Newt wants to see you.

Norrah Newt. Have a seat, A.J.

It's a papasan chair.

Invented by the Japanese as a place to sit awkwardly.

Oh!

Shit.

I like it.

It's different.

Did you know there's no Japanese word

for "business"?

Isn't it "bijinesu"?

Maybe there is.

Heard you made your first big commission today.

Yes, ma'am. Uh... Scabuble Shaving Systems.

It's garbage.

It's up 21% on the year. Exactly.

And in tomorrow's news, there will be a story about

a man who sliced his neck open with a Scabuble razor,

and that story will be planted by me,

but not before I've unloaded every last one of my shares.

That's totally immoral.

This is a $75,000 watch.

Let me see what you got on your wrist.

Is that moral, that you should have cheap things

while I enjoy the best of everything?

I-I'm happy with what I have.

Only because you've never had more.

Come here. Let me show you something.

Cute kid, huh?

I'm thinking of buying her.

This is me the day my parents abandoned me.

I bounced around foster homes till age 15,

when I started my own business

buying and selling foster homes.

By age 20, I made my first trillion.

Did your parents ever abandon you, A.J.?

Only once.

Probably made you pretty vulnerable

to sympathetic authority figures.

That's not Mom. I mean, true.

We're gonna go places, buddy.

Here's a million bucks.

A kid's got to have some walkin' around money.

Wow! Thanks.

All right. Get out of here.

I got to be staring out the window

for my next meeting.

All right, then.

We've successfully infiltrated the company.

Now it's time to start poking a few bears,

see if we can get them to crap out some honey.

How was your one-on-one with Newt, A.J.?

It was okay, I guess. Really?

I thought you were totally disgusted by her.

The greed, the excess, the possible murder.

Hey, we have nothing on her.

Everything you just said is pure speculation,

except for the greed and the excess.

Sorry, I didn't realize you were best friends now.

Well, we are. A-A-Another thing.

Why are we all so poor?

I mean, all we need to do is buy stocks,

sabotage the company... We'd be on Easy Street.

Wow, that's a lot to take in.

Whatever. I need to go back to work.

Money don't sleep.

I don't know about you,

but I am starting to really like him. I'm worried.

You remember back in the day, Mahoney and the aquarium op?

Mahoney was diagnosed with schizophrenia

long before he decided to live as a manta ray.

Uh, Dr. Stolls? Can I talk to you?

It's Scholls.

When I was a sophomore,

I wrote my Behavioral Economics paper

on the relationship between saltine crackers

and the United States economy.

I thought it was odd when you smashed

Grammbbowski's computer, but now it's paying off.

Go on. Well, the paper

got some attention on Wall Street

before it was universally dismissed,

except by one person... Philip Grammbbowski.

Why are you telling me this? I thought you hated me.

Well, I guess I was afraid of being laughed at by everyone.

But since you're not someone I look up to,

I figured it was a pretty safe bet.

Thank you.

That means a lot.

Let's go get that paper.

Whoo! Listen up, everybody!

I am pleased to announce Kappa Kappa Capital's

next billion dollar sales contest winner.

You know him, you love him,

you don't really know him.

A.J. Pseudonym!

- Todd! - Coming!

Aaaah!

Whooo!

You done good, kid.

You made a lot of money for the company.

That's only gonna increase our profits.

I'm just doing what you told me.

Kickin' ass and takin' names.

Charles.

But it's all been small potatoes so far.

Can we get some steaks over here?

How much money did you make this week?

I don't know. 50, 52 billion.

Peanuts.

Linus is trying to give up his blanket.

It's time we took down the whole enchilada.

Hot plate.

I got to say, $52 billion

kind of covers my nut.

But why settle for $52 billion when you could have $53 billion?

Immoral is one thing, but we're not talking

about anything illegal here, are we?

What's the matter? You scared?

No, I'm not scared.

It's not like your mom's gonna be disappointed in you.

Wh-What are you talking about?

Because you said you were an orphan like me.

Oh, yeah, yes.

T-Totally. Absolutely no parents.

Right. So let's do this.

Let's raid the biggest corporation there is...

The United States of America.

Sign me up.

Great. You're in.

You're just gonna need a swim suit, a towel,

and a bag lunch.

All right.

Let's hear this cockamamie theory. I'm nervous.

Just picture them in their underwear.

Webster's defines economics as the, uh...

Two years ago, the saltine cracker market

took a nose dive, and I wanted to know why,

from a behavioral economic perspective.

So I dug a little deeper.

Why aren't people buying saltines?

- Soup. - Exactly.

People aren't eating soup anymore.

That's ridiculous! I had soup as recently as...

Oh, my God. She is right.

Wait.

I have no idea what we're talking about.

Why has the soup market suddenly gone lukewarm?

Why? Tell us. No, I'm asking you.

That's as far as I got with my paper.

I, uh... only got a "C."

People aren't eating soup

because the Earth is getting warmer.

And you know what that means.

Of course! Wait.

I still have no idea how this relates to anything.

Think about this... It's a hot day.

You want to take a casual walk around the block.

But what do wear?

You'll roast in a pair of long pants,

so you reach in your closet and pull out...

Jean shorts.

Jean shorts are the Achilles heel

of the entire U.S. economy, and Philip Grammbbowski knew it.

He knew that if anything were to disrupt that market,

the whole financial system comes crashing down.

And guess who's been buying up every denim factory

from North Korea to South Korea?

I am so sorry, guys.

I'm not even close to being on this train.

Could you demonstrate with a Jenga tower

or maybe some oranges?

Norrah Newt is going to buy up

all of the denim and collapse the market.

Grammbbowski found out what she was doing,

pulled out all of his money, and ended up as turkey jerky.

Why does Newt want to sink the U.S. economy?

I can't imagine she's acting alone,

but my son is the only one who can answer that question,

but he has gone full Donnie Brasco.

So take him out.

He's my son.

Oh, shit, right.

But maybe taking him out

is exactly what this situation requires.

I swear to God, I didn't make the connection!

Don't kill him!

Great.

Thank you.

Gap, Levi's, Jordache,

and Osh Kosh B'Gosh all ours.

We now own 98% of all jean short production.

I'm proud of you, A.J.

Freeze! S.E.C.!

Wh... Let's go, dirtbag.

Stay strong and keep your mouth shut.

I said move it! Okay, take it easy, man!

Easy.

Ow!

I don't know who you are or...

Mom?! What the hell are you doing?

I want to show you something.

Mom, what the hell are you doing?

I want to show you something.

Mom, what the hell are you doing?

I want to show you something.

Ow!

You know who that is?

Sales are down 20%.

No idea.

That's Bobson Dugnutt.

He's the former C.E.O. of Scabuble Shaving Systems.

What's he doing here?

Well, since you and Newt torpedoed

his Fortune 500 company,

he had to take a job as a C.E.O.

at a slightly smaller company.

He used to manage 5,500 employees.

Now he manages 3,500.

I didn't know.

No, you didn't know, because you don't stop to think

about the human beings behind the numbers.

Get out of the way!

He had to trade in his G5 for a G4.

And look at his suit. I...

It looks like... Looks like it's right off the rack?

I'm gonna be sick.

That's the Norrah Newt Effect.

You still want to be part of it?

I don't know.

Why is Newt trying to collapse the jean short market?

I'm in too deep, Mom. I can't.

Damn it, A.J.!

I know things have been hard for you, okay?

I know I wasn't there for you.

But none of that matters now.

You have to decide who you want to be.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I guess I just love money too much now.

Take him away.

What?

What? I don't...

Mom...

Mom!

I'm proud of you, buddy. You made the right decision.

If I'm going all the way with this,

I want to know I'm gonna be mega rich,

like don't bother bringing the Bed Bath & Beyond coupon rich.

I think you'll find the U.S. Treasury

has everything you're looking for.

Once the French government gives us the go-ahead,

we'll make our move and watch the economy go into free fall.

So the French are the ones staking you?

That's right.

But by the time this whole thing burns down,

we'll be on an island in the middle of Lake Michigan.

I'm in.

I just need to use the bathroom first.

You're gonna use a park bathroom?

It's an emergency.

Ooh.

I think I got it.

Tape's no good. We need it again.

What? Are you kidding me?

She's totally gonna suspect something.

Just get her to run down the basics, then get out.

Once the French government gives us the go-ahead,

we'll make our move and watch the economy go into free fall.

So the French are the ones staking you?

That's right, but by the time

this whole thing burns down, we'll be on an island

in the middle of Lake Michigan.

Too much interference. We didn't get it.

Come on, man!

One more time, and we are out of here.

But by the time this whole thing burns down,

we'll be on an island in the middle of Lake Michigan.

Wait a second.

Are you wearing a wire?

You son of a bitch!

You could've had everything. You could've been me.

I guess I did fantasize about being you

for the last day and a quarter.

But in the end,

I need to be someone who makes his mom proud.

You have a parent?!

But in the end,

I need to be someone who makes his mom proud.

Do I have to give the money back?

Afraid so, kid.

Scholls, what's happening on Wall Street?

The markets have stabilized, and the Treasury Department

is raiding Kappa Kappa Capital as we speak.

And from a behavioral perspective,

people are confident in the economy again.

Good work, people.

Good work.

Now let's head back to Los Angeles.

I'm desperate to do a load of laundry.