All language subtitles for YS 2x11 - A Race of Superhumans and a Letter to Alf

Previously on
Young Sheldon...

- Why was Veronica Duncan hugging you?
- I'm tutoring her in trigonometry.

- Just between us, she's a little slow.
- That's not what I heard.

There's nobody at my house.

- You want to come over?
- Yes.

- What's that?
- Some stupid haunted house

my mother's doing for the church.

Mr. Lundy's scene about lust

made a deep impact on my brother's date.

She asked to be saved by Jesus.

I don't want to
live like this anymore.

And as
it turns out, she was.

Dear Lord Jesus, set me free.

In Conquest
of the Planet of the Apes,

we learned how humans taught
the apes to become civilized.

Which I think should start
with potty training,

but I'm not a screenwriter.

Can you help me with
my math homework?

No.

Please. It's really hard.

"It" isn't the problem.

Sheldon.

Fine, what are you working on?

There's a number, then there's a line,

then there's another number under it.

Fractions?

Yes, fractions.

At that moment,

it occurred to me
if I could teach mathematics

to someone as dull-witted as my sister,

I could create a race of superhumans

that would do my bidding.

And who wouldn't want that?

Please, Sheldon.

You know what, Missy?
I'd be happy to help you.

Thank you.

Synced & corrected by MaxPayne

Try thinking of it this way: Imagine a pie.

The number on the bottom of the fraction

is how many pieces the pie
has been sliced into.

What kind of pie is it?

Doesn't matter.

But it would help me picture it

if I knew the kind of pie.

Fine, it's banana cream.

I don't like banana cream.

Okay, what kind of pie
would you like it to be?

What about those little
apple pies from McDonalds?

Sure. I burned my mouth on one of those.

Didn't stop me. I still ate it.

Veronica. Hi.

Hey, Georgie.

You-you changed your hair.

I did.

It's shorter.

It is.

I like it.

Thank-thanks.

You here to see me?

I-I'm here for your mom's Bible study.

Oh, sure, of course.

I'm glad you could join us.

Come in, won't you?

You're part of the group, too?

Faith, the Bible, God,
I'm nuts for that stuff.

So one-fourth of the 12
pieces of pie is...?

Three?

Yes.

And one-third of the 12 pieces is...?

Four?

Yes. Now how much is
one-third of the pie plus

one-fourth of the pie?

Well, three plus four is
seven, but there's 12 pieces,

so seven-twelve-iths.

It's twelfths. And yes.

I did it.

Actually, I did it.

In less than ten minutes,
I taught fractions to a monkey.

Welcome, Veronica. We're
so glad to have you.

What are you doing?

What's it look like?
I'm here for Bible study.

Did you just take a shower?

No.

You did, too.

So I want to be clean for Jesus.
Get off my back.

Interesting.

Georgie, if you want to
be a good Christian,

maybe you should stop
lying through your teeth.

Just be happy I brushed them, okay?

- Hmm...
- Okay.

All done. Thanks.

While we're here, would you like me

to introduce you to algebra?

Al who?

Oh, boy.

It's not a person,
it's an ancient Arabic method

of finding the value of variables.

Oh. Nah.

Clearly, I needed
a more sophisticated technique

to motivate my simian sister.

Are you sure?

If you learn a little algebra,
I'll give you a banana.

All right, now we're
reading from Matthew 4.

Georgie, why don't you get
us started on verse 17?

Me?

Yes, you.

Oh. Okay.

Um... Verse 17...

: Verse 17...

Give me a minute.

Here.

Bless you.

Okay, here we go.
"From that time,

"Jesus began to preach and say 'Repent,

"c-change your inner self,
your old way of thinking,

"regret past sins,

"live your life in a way
that proves repentance:

Seek God's purpose for your life."

Powerful stuff.

Can I get an amen?

Amen.

Amen.

Need any help there, Sheldon? I'm looking

for some books on education theory.

- What for?
- I'm trying

to develop a technique
to teach someone

who falls into the conventional
category of "stupid."

Oh. Well, now, there's a
wide range of stupid.

Can you narrow it down?

She wrote a fan letter to Alf.

Got it. So you're looking to
make a pretty radical change.

Well, ideally, I'd like to
wipe my sister's brain clean

and start over, but my
mom wouldn't like that.

Yeah. Moms are no fun.

Hey, Veronica.

- Georgie.
- So, listen,

I was doing my prayers
last night and, uh,

you won't believe it,
but I think God spoke to me.

Really?
What did he say?

Well, I couldn't understand

all of it, 'cause it was
in an ancient language,

but the part I did understand

is he wants us to spend more time together.

Doing what?

Oh, you know, praying,
helping the needy.

Your usual Christian activities.

Well, I'm okay with that.

Good. So you, me and God, we'll hang out.

Sounds good.

Okay. See you later.

See you.

I may be going to hell.

So you're hoping to create an army

of super-intelligent children
who will do your bidding?

In a perfect world, yes.

You should spend more time with my mother.

That's her goal, too.

Ooh, this is interesting.

According to Socrates, all knowledge exists

within the student and
just needs to be drawn out

through skillful questioning.

Are you saying I knew that
before you even said it?

I don't know, did you?
Well, according

to Socrates, you do know and
the answer's inside you.

Well, then, ask me a skillful
question to draw it out.

Do you know if I knew before I knew?

No.

Hey, it works.

It does.

I'm recording my findings

so that future generations
of mankind can understand

the steps I took to create
homo novus, "new man."

Of course, there's a strong
likelihood that my homo novi

might've wiped out all future generations,

so I have no idea who's watching this.

What are you doing in here?

I'm keeping a video diary of my
experiment to create homo novus.

Homowhat?

Novus. It's Latin.
It means "new man."

Oh. I guess that's okay.

Y-Your mom's at church.
W-What do you want for dinner?

I believe you know what I want for dinner.

Is that right?

It's Thursday.

What does Mom always make me on Thursdays?

Spaghetti and hot dogs?

Socrates. Got to love him.

And now,

why don't we take a moment to pray,

uh, keeping in mind that our prayers

should not be for our own benefit,

but for our family, friends,

fellow Texans, Americans
of all races and religions

and the world.

Well, most of the world.

Y'all know what countries to pick.

Lord, please look after my family.

Give them everything they
need to be happy and healthy.

And this lovely young girl with me tonight,

help her stay on the path of righteousness.

God, please look after my sister.

You can find her at the
women's correctional facility

in Lubbock.

Help her seek salvation in you

instead of cocaine,
marijuana and bass players.

Jesus, I'm sure,
even from Heaven, you can see

how hot the girl sitting next to me is.

And I know I'm not supposed
to pray for myself,

but here's the deal: If you can get her

to fall in love with me, and you know,

make some bad decisions,

I swear I'll come to church every Sunday.

And thank you for
bringing Georgie tonight,

even though you and I
both know why he came.

Speaking of which, whatever
he's praying for right now,

ignore it.

And please protect
me from impure thoughts,

and teach me to respect
the sanctity of my body.

Now if for instance she
and I were to go skinny dipping

and one thing were to lead to another

under the moonlit sky, get this:

Not only do I become a devout Christian,

I will also bug everybody
I meet to do the same.

And you know I can be real annoying

when I set my mind to it.

Amen.

Amen.

I'm gonna take your
silence as a yes. Amen.

What are you working on?

A list of possible boyfriends
for my Cabbage Patch doll.

How do you think Celeste would
look next to Joey Lawrence?

I don't know who that is.

He's Blossom's brother.

I don't know who that is.

It's a show. She wears hats.

Anyway, I've been doing some research,

and I've come to the
conclusion that I don't need

to teach you anything.

You already know everything.

Cool.

Your brain already contains all the math

that will ever be known.

I heard you and I said "cool."

Well, wouldn't you like to explore

that great treasure trove of knowledge?

That depends. What's a trove?

We'll circle back to that. True or false?

At times, you have referred
to yourself as being dumb.

True.

And do you enjoy feeling that way?

No.

Well, let me change that.

I'm presenting you with an opportunity

to achieve the full potential of your mind.

Are you gonna do some experiment
where we switch brains?

No.

'Cause I've seen it on Gilligan's Island

and I've seen it on The Flintstones

and it never goes well.

Ooh. Gilligan.

Oh, who do you think you're fooling here?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Listen to me. Veronica has
a rough family situation,

and she's trying to improve her life.

And I admire that. Very inspirational.

Georgie,

believe me, I'm glad to
see you in a church,

but I do not want you taking
advantage of that girl.

Taking advantage? Veronica and I
are Bible buddies, nothing more.

I'm serious. Right.

Maybe you should ask yourself what's in you

that makes you see sin
in the hearts of others.

Okay, now you're pushing it.

Lord Jesus, please help
my mother with her anger.

Can I get an amen?
No.

Why do we need the camera?

So people in the future can
see your transformation.

Where are you going?

To put on a dress for the future people.

Hello, people of the future.

My name is Missy Cooper and
this is my best friend Celeste.

: She's dating Joey Lawrence.

- You want to hang out Saturday?
- Can't. I signed up to get baptized.

Oh, yeah.
I've been meaning to do that.

Well, why don't you join me?
We could do it together.

Sure. You and me, getting double dunked.
I like it.

Can you imagine afterwards?

All of our sins will be washed away.

Yeah, and we can start
cranking out fresh ones.

I just don't know where I went wrong.

Are you sure your questioning was skillful?

I thought so, but after two
hours of interrogation,

all I could extract from my sister's brain

was that there was some sort
of block with new kids on it.

Sheldon, how's your
educational project going?

Poorly. I've hit a wall.

Have you considered B.F.
Skinner's behavior modification?

- What's that?
- It uses punishment

and reward to get the results you want.

Ooh, punishment. I like the sound of that.

: In the right context, so do I.

I took a real beating at the craps table,

and then I won it all back
playing Caribbean Stud Poker.

Well, how does Caribbean Stud Poker work?

I have no idea.
I was drunk off my ass.

Way to go, Mom.

Way to lead a Christian life.

Oh, does my daughter think poorly of me?

Yes.

Good. I can die happy.

Hey, Mom, just a heads-up,
I'm getting baptized tomorrow.

Good Lord.

That boy's randiness knows no bounds.

What are you talking about?

He's only doing it

'cause of that Veronica girl.

Oh, sure.
That makes sense.

What do you mean, it makes sense?

When I was his age,
I hitchhiked to Florida

'cause I had a friend that had a girlfriend

who knew a girl who might be willing.

But then you met my daughter
and you didn't have

to travel so far.

According to B.F. Skinner,

if I can find the appropriate
punishment to motivate Missy,

there's no limit to what she
might be able to learn.

But what might that punishment be?

Whip her with a rubber hose?

No. That sounds like
a recipe for tendonitis.

Administer small electric shocks?

Tricky.

If I get the voltage wrong, I
could spend the rest of my life

in an institution for
the criminally insane.

Or I inflict harm

on the object she loves
more than life itself.

Celeste, you're about to become
part of scientific history.

All right, everybody, welcome to the 1990

East Texas Baptist Olympics.

'Cause we're in the pool of water.

Anyway, I want to welcome

our little sister Veronica Duncan,

who I will be dunkin'.

Sorry.

I can't turn it off. And
I also want to welcome

George Cooper, who has recently found

his way to the Lord.

Howdy. Praise Jesus.

Are you ready to learn
some advanced calculus?

Nope.

Be right back.

Take your time.

Veronica, do you trust in Jesus Christ

as your personal Lord and savior?

: I do.

It's upon your profession of faith

that I baptize you, my sister,

in the name of the Father, the
Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Dang.

All right, let's try this again.

Would you be ready to learn
some advanced calculus

if it saved Celeste's pigtails?

What are you doing?
Put her down.

Not until I modify your behavior.

In the name of the Father, Son
and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Sheldon, I'm warning you.

Hallelujah!

We did it!

Ooh, I'm so happy.

I love you.

Is it working? Are you feeling motivated?

Very.

Care to explain yourself?

I was trying to motivate Missy

to expand her intellectual horizons.

By torturing her Cabbage Patch doll?

Well, it's not like I shocked
her with electrodes,

- which was an option.
- Enough.

To be clear, I meant to
shock Missy, not the doll.

That would be ineffective.

Enough! And you.

Getting baptized just to kiss a girl?
What were you thinking?

Sounds like you know
what I was thinking.

Well, you are both grounded.

Dear Alf, I'm your number one fan.

I like you because you're
an alien but you're funny,

unlike my brother who's
an alien but just a jerk.

Anyway, I hope you're enjoying
your time here on our planet

and have found things
to eat other than cats.

I recommend chicken nuggets.

Sincerely, Missy Cooper, age ten.

"P.S. My favorite color is pink.
What's yours?"

Ha. What a cutie pie.

Hey, hey, Barbara, we got any
more of those pink T-shirts

with my face on them?

I want to send one to
this Missy Cooper kid.

Oh, oh, and get me some
chicken nuggets, huh?

Hello?
Anybody out there?

Apparently not.

Barb!