All language subtitles for Patriot.Act.with.Hasan.Minhaj.S01E01.Saudi.Arabia.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[intro music plays]

[cheering, applause]

Hey! Hello!

Oh my god! Hello! How are you!

I'm Hasan Minhaj. Welcome to Patriot Act!

Thank you so much for coming out tonight!

My god, there's a lot
of brown people here. Holy shit!

It feels like my cousin's wedding.
Oh my god!

Now, if you've been watching the news,

then you know that Saudi Arabia has been
engulfed in a massive diplomatic crisis

over the gruesome killing
of Washington Post journalist

Jamal Khashoggi.

After weeks of denial,
Saudi Arabia has finally admitted

Washington Post columnist
Mr. Jamal Khashoggi died

inside their consulate in Turkey.

[reporter] The top Saudi prosecutor
now says the killing was premeditated.

Last week the Saudis said
it was an accident after a fistfight.

[reporter 2] And of course that's
a real shift in the narrative from them.

This is the most unbelievable cover story

since Blake Shelton won Sexiest Man Alive.

[laughter]

Are you kidding me?

He's the fourth sexiest judge
of The Voice.

[laughter]

Like, did Adam Levine walk in
and just see this like, What the fuck?

Blake?

And this entire cover-up
exists for one reason.

Some analysts say the Saudis' story
is all designed to protect one man.

Turkish officials suggesting that

Saudi crown prince Muhammad bin Salman
dispatched a hit squad

to execute and dismember Washington Post
journalist Jamal Khashoggi.

Just a few months ago
crown prince Muhammad bin Salman aka MBS

was hailed as the reformer
the Arab world needed.

But the revelations
about Khashoggi's killing

have shattered that image,
and it blows my mind

that it took the killing
of a Washington Post journalist

for everyone to go, Oh.
I guess he's really not a reformer.

Meanwhile, every Muslim person you know
was like, Yeah, no shit!

He's the crown prince of Saudi Arabia!

[laughter]

So now would be a good time to reassess
our relationship with Saudi Arabia.

And I mean that as a Muslim
and as an American.

For Muslims, Saudi Arabia is home to two
of the holies cities in the Islamic world:

Mecca and Medina.
Now, you've probably heard of Mecca.

It's often used to describe
everything except Mecca.

[male reporter] We're taking you
to the Mecca of Christmas ornaments.

[female reporter] The Mecca
of all chicken sandwich shops.

The Mecca of lost luggage.

The Mecca for like martial arts.

-Oh, thanks Action Bronson.
-[laughter]

Mecca and Medina are basically
the Muslim Infinity Stones of holiness.

At least once in our lives
we have to go to Mecca

to make pilgrimage aka Hajj.
It's like Coachella,

except you can't get annoyed when people
say they had a religious experience.

Saudi in Saudi Arabia comes from
the actual name of a family.

That's the House of Saud
that has been governing Arabia since 1932.

Can you imagine

if the United States was suddenly named
after our leader in 1932?

We would be the Herbert States of Hoover.

[laughter]

Or worse. Hooverville.

Look how that turned out.

That's an AP Gov joke.
I'm sorry, if you don't get that joke...

you weren't in AP Gov.

Saudi Arabia is crazy.

One giant family controls everything.

Reports say there are anywhere
from 5,000 to over 15,000 members

of the Saud family, with 2,000 allegedly
controlling the wealth and the power.

Some estimates put their net worth

at more than one trillion dollars,

one trillion.

That's like the number of stars
in the universe

or the number of times
women have been betrayed by Susan Collins.

[laughter]

When you add it up: its insane wealth,
its place in Islam and the Middle East,

it all makes Saudi Arabia
a country of huge significance.

Which is why every single president
since FDR

has maintained a strategic alliance
with Saudi Arabia.

Whether it's for oil or arms deals,

we have always played it cool
with the Saudis no matter what they do.

Remember, America hates terrorists.

Saudi Arabia gave them passports.

Saudi Arabia was basically
the boy band manager of 9/11.

They didn't write the songs,
but they helped get the group together.

[laughter]

Suddenly, America's marriage
of convenience with Saudi Arabia

is starting to feel outdated.

How outdated?

Our military has been working
in Saudi Arabia for decades.

And if you are sent on a training mission
in Saudi Arabia,

this is the official military document
you get.

It describes the Saudi people
as indigenous tribes

with some later mixture of Negro blood
from slaves imported from Africa.

Oh, America.

Even in boring technical manuals
you still somehow manage to be racist.

This shit is still on the internet,
you guys!

But, Hasan,
it was probably written a while ago.

Really, it was updated June 2018.

But, Hasan, these things
are like an iTunes user agreement.

It's probably at the bottom.
Oh no, it's Chapter 1, page 5.

Okay. But is 'negro' still a bad word?

Dictionary.com: offensive.

[applause]

Now let's get back to Muhammad bin Salman.

Remember, he was known as the reformer

who was gonna change the Arab world.

People in the West fell for MBS
because they bought his sales pitch.

I mean, come on!
He lifted the ban on women driving!

A female singer in Saudi Arabia
has dropped a new music video,

rapping behind the wheel of a car
she can now drive legally.

Wheel is in my hand
And I step on the pedal

I won't ask for a ride

I'll drive myself, I've got the license

Strap seatbelt over the abaya

R for reverse, D for drive
You control the machine

If it's Ford or Cressida
You won't be happy

As a fan of progress and women's rights,
this is awesome.

But as a fan of hip hop,
this is straight garbage.

First of all, the car is dirty.

If you're gonna make a rap video
about driving, get a car wash.

Second of all,

she's rapping about driving, but for most
of the video, she sits in the car,

she sits on the car,
she stands in the sunroof,

she does everything but drive that car.

Also, this is a Hyundai.

I didn't even know you could buy Hyundais.

I thought they only existed
in Hertz parking lots.

[laughter]

Giving women the right to drive
was just the start.

MBS's main attraction was Vision 2030.

Now, I know Vision 2030 sounds like
Elon Musk's new optometry company,

but it's actually a plan to end Saudis'
reliance on oil and diversify the economy.

Last summer he went on a world tour

to drum up investment in Saudi Arabia,
and when he got to America,

MBS was greeted like a rock star.

[reporter] He's already met
with Seattle's tech heavyweights,

sharing a laugh, there, you can see,
with Amazon's Jeff Bezos.

[reporter 2] He will have visited
five states plus the district of Columbia,

four presidents, five newspapers,
uncounted moguls, and Oprah.

-Oprah?
-[laughter]

He got to hang with Oprah?

The last foreigner
America got this excited about

was the Italian peach
in Call Me by Your Name.

[laughter]

This is a niche art-house joke, you know?
Just trying to hit all the pockets.

But that all came crashing down
in the wake of Khashoggi's death.

This is not some back alley in Istanbul.

This is inside
the frickin' Saudi consulate.

I can never do business
with Saudi Arabia again.

I feel used and abused.

Yes.

If there's one victim in all of this,

it's senator Lindsey Graham.

[applause]

Here's the crazy part:

MBS was shocked by all of the anger

over the killing of one journalist.

According to the Wall Street Journal,
on a phone call with Jared Kushner,

MBS asked, Why the outrage?

And frankly, MBS's confusion
is completely understandable.

He's been getting away
with autocratic shit like this for years,

with almost no blowback
from the international community.

Saudi Arabia's young crown prince

arresting hundreds of his own cousins
in a power grab.

[reporter] Many of those arrested are
potential rivals or critics of the prince.

One of the people MBS rounded up
in his power grab was this guy:

Al-Waleed bin Talal.
He's one of the richest men in the world.

And he was detained at The Ritz-Carlton
for 3 months.

And while he was there,
this hostage video dropped

to let everyone know
that everything with MBS

was absolutely 100%... fine.

-There are no charges.
-Okay.

Just some discussions between me
and the government.

But rest assured that we are
at the end of the whole story.

And we are very comfortable,
because I'm in my country,

I'm in my city, so...

I feel at home, so no problem at all here.

Okay, there's definitely a problem here,
I'm sorry.

I don't know if he's guilty,
but why is his face on his own mug?

This is literally a mug shot.

[laughter, applause]

The rest of this video just turns into
the worst episode of MTV Cribs ever.

I'll show you my pantry here.

These are my salads.

And this is my Diet Pepsi.

And that's my ketchup. Always.

Why is he bragging about ketchup

when there are two solid-gold lotas
right behind him?

I know they're teapots,
but, come on, they look like lotas, man.

By the way, when I say this is
one of the worst episodes of Cribs,

I'm including the Trick Daddy episode.

If y'all not familiar with this,
this is called baby wipes.

Whatever you want.
This keeps boo-boo stains out ya drawers.

This keeps crust out ya drawers.

No grown man needs to be walking around
with no crust in their drawers.

When you do the number two, use Wet Ones.

-Okay.
-[laughter]

Wet Ones are great, but Trick Daddy
still should've used a lota.

Some people are looking at me,
they're like, What is a lota?

If you've ever been
to a brown person's house,

they'll have this small watering pot
in the corner of their bathroom,

but there won't be a plant in there.
That's a lota!

Lotas are the manual transmissions
of bidets.

You go number two, you pour it
in your hand, you just get to work.

A lot of people think it's gross,
but you know what I think is gross?

Toilet paper. Okay, toilet paper is gross.

If you walk through dog shit
in your Air Jordans,

and if I only gave you
a piece of toilet paper to clean it up,

you would think it's nasty, too,
so why don't we treat our butts

with the same respect
we treat our Air Jordans?

You thought you were coming to just see
this woke TED Talk, little did you know...

you were also gonna get booty health tips.

MBS's power grab was just
his standard operating procedure.

Just look at how he became crown prince:

according to The New Yorker,
MBS became crown prince

after his predecessor and cousin,
Mohammed bin Nayef,

was subjected to excruciating pain
until he abdicated the throne.

The Saudi government has denied the story,
but there are many more like it.

In 2016, U.S. intelligence picked up
the crown prince talking about

his moves to try to keep his mother
away from his father,

because he felt that she was not on board

with his plans for a power grab.

She was under house arrest.

He put his mom under house arrest
so she couldn't stop his rise to power?

That's insane.

Putting an Arab mom on house arrest
is like trying to imprison Magneto.

She's just gonna escape,
and there's gonna be hell to pay.

Again, the Saudi government
has denied this story,

but none of this would come as a surprise
if you actually lived in Saudi Arabia,

because in Saudi Arabia,
do you know what his nickname is?

Abu Rasasa.

Which means Father of the Bullet.

That is the most gangster name ever.

Do you know what El Chapo means?

Shorty.

[laughter]

Prisons are filling up in Saudi Arabia.

Hundreds are being detained, including
critics of MBS and political activists.

Some of the most prominent activists
are women who protested the driving ban.

And MBS had them arrested,
and several of them are still in prison.

Even executions are up:

the country is on track to execute
more than 2,000 people by the year 2030.

Now that's the Vision 2030
nobody's talking about.

Strong-arming, coercion,
detaining people...

these are MBS's go-to moves,
and he's been getting away with all of it,

so of course he would call Jared like,
Hey! Why the outrage?

Our relationship with Saudi Arabia

has always been
a complete mindfuck for me.

As Muslims, we have to pray towards Mecca.

We make pilgrimage to Mecca.
We access God through Saudi Arabia,

a country that I feel
does not represent our values.

But, Hasan, there are a lot of things
people are conflicted about.

Look at Amazon, Amazon's messed up.

I don't pray towards Seattle, okay?

[laughter]

Saudi Arabia is only 2%
of the entire Muslim population,

but whenever Saudi does something wrong,

Muslims around the world
have to live with the consequences.

Hey, don't chop off my hand Saudi-style!

But when Saudi does something right

and MBS extends the most basic freedoms
to his people,

all of a sudden he's in Oprah's Book Club?

That's insane!

And we haven't even gotten to Yemen yet,

which is the biggest tragedy
of the MBS era.

[male reporter]
The Saudi intervention in Yemen

began with the rise of 32-year-old
crown prince Muhammad bin Salman.

[female reporter] Local sources say
tens of thousands of their fighters

have been killed since the war started.

The situation in Yemen, today, right now,

to the population of the country,
looks like the apocalypse.

The conflict in Yemen
is extremely complex,

but here are the cliff notes
in under 40 seconds.

Yemen was spiraling into civil war.

The Houthi rebels, who've fought
the government for years,

almost seized power in 2015.

Then Saudi Arabia intervened
to prop up the Yemeni government.

Saudi was like, Yo, I gotchu.

Don't worry, but there's something
you should know.

I think these rebels
are getting help from Iran.

That's important because
Saudi Arabia and Iran hate each other.

So, Saudi Arabia started bombing
the shit out of rebel territory,

compliments of the West,

and now many experts think
Saudi Arabia is using Yemen

as a proxy war against Iran
to control the region.

Take three wars, shove them
into the Arab world's poorest country,

and that's the conflict in Yemen.

[cheering, applause]

Don't clap. That is a global atrocity.

It is the worst of everything happening
in one place, and people keep wondering,

Will this ever end?

-So it's basically the Golden Globes.
-[laughter]

Over the last three years,

the Saudi coalition has launched more
than 18,000 airstrikes against Yemen.

That is insane. If we're talking
Middle East bombing, that's up there.

Those are almost Obama numbers. Almost.

And all that bombing
has led to catastrophic devastation.

[reporter] Saudi Arabia and its allies
have breached the basic rules of war.

Civilians have been repeatedly targeted,

with some attacks
on schools and hospitals.

Thirteen million people in Yemen
are at risk of starvation

in what could become
the world's worst famine for a century.

The war in Yemen is one of the worst
humanitarian crises in the Middle East,

which is a high bar to clear.

Being the biggest crisis
in the Middle East

is like being the biggest
subway masturbator in New York.

It's a title no one wants,

but the competition is fierce.

By all accounts, this is MBS's war,
but if you ask MBS about it,

he pulls a Shaggy,
he's like, Hey, it wasn't me!

[woman] Do you acknowledge that
it has been a humanitarian catastrophe?

5,000 civilians killed
and children starving there?

[speaks Arabic]

[interpreter] It is truly very painful,
and I hope that this militia

ceases using the humanitarian situation
to their advantage

in order to draw sympathy
from the international community.

Instead of calling off the airstrikes,
one thing MBS did

was throw money at the problem, seriously.

He wrote a check for $930 million
to the U.N. for humanitarian aid to Yemen.

Come on.

If there was ever a time
for a giant Powerball check, this was it.

Damn, $930 million. That's a lot of money.
You know what's free, though?

Not bombing Yemen.

Whether it's Yemen, Jamal Khashoggi
or human rights violations,

do you really think it's going to change
our relationship with Saudi Arabia?

In terms of the order of $110 billion,
think of that, $110 billion.

All they're gonna do is
give it to other countries,

and I think that would be
very foolish for our country.

America is going to keep cashing
Saudi checks.

And not just for military equipment.

Just this week Saudi Arabia announced
more than $30 billion of new deals.

Let's be real.

Oil companies, financial institutions
and defense contractors,

nothing will make them say no
to Saudi money.

But there may be one sector of the economy
that we can expect more from.

The Saudis have become
kind of the funder of last resort

for these big, late-stage
privately held tech companies.

Saudi Arabia has invested $3.5 billion
in Uber alone,

so they have a lot of money
in the United States.

3.5 billion.

Thanks to MBS,
the Saudis effectively own 10% of Uber,

which makes complete sense.

Saudi Arabia and Uber are both places
women drivers don't feel safe.

[laughter]

Too real?

Tech companies are swimming
in more Saudi cash

than a Bugatti dealership
in Beverly Hills.

All of these companies
have taken Saudi investment

through a Japanese company
called SoftBank.

Slack, WeWork, Fanatics, DoorDash, Wag.

Wag!

-The dog walking app.
-[laughter]

That is crazy.
Muslims are investing in the dog market.

You know how we feel about dogs.

Muslims feel about dogs the same way
Americans feel about Post Malone.

We're cool with them...

we just don't want them in the house.

[laughter]

They're gonna get the carpet dirty.
My sister's in there.

[laughter]

Since 2016, MBS has invested
almost $11 billion in Silicon Valley,

making Saudi Arabia the largest
single funding source for U.S. startups.

Come on, Silicon Valley,
you're supposed to be hippie capitalists.

WeWork won't let you expense meat,

but you take money from Saudi Arabia?

So you're against slaughterhouses,
unless they're in Yemen?

But hey! Try our co-working spaces!
We got Philz Coffee!

[laughter]

What the fuck?

Look, I am genuinely rooting
for change in Saudi Arabia.

I am rooting for the people
of Saudi Arabia.

There are people in Saudi Arabia
fighting for true reform,

but MBS is not one of them.

And to those who continue
to work with him,

just know that with every deal you close,

you are simply helping entrench
an absolute monarch

under the guise of progress,

because ultimately,
MBS is not modernizing Saudi Arabia.

The only thing he's modernizing
is Saudi dictatorship.

[cheering, applause]

[music plays]

Thank you.

This MBS story, it's nuts.

Especially as a Muslim.

A lot of people are like, Hey, this MBS
thing is not a good look for us.

It's not getting good press, and people
are like, What are your thoughts on it?

And people have told me,

You should probably lean
into the Indian side of your identity.

And I get it, people love Indians.

They look at us, they're like,
doctors, lawyers, engineers.

If you've been watching the news lately,
a lot of us have joined the dark side.

Have you seen this?
Look at the Trump administration:

Nikki Haley, Raj Shah, Ajit Pai,
Dr. Seema Verna.

My mom's name is Seema and she's a doctor.

You understand what type of mindfuck
that is for me?

Trump employs more Indians
than any show on television.

And it's not just politics.
Indians can be awful in every industry.

Just look at John Kapoor.
Do you guys know about John Kapoor?

He's a pharma entrepreneur who went rogue.

Prosecutors say Kapoor helped
devise a plan to bribe doctors

into prescribing the potent opiate
to non-cancer patients.

His attorney says Kapoor is innocent

and intends to fight the charges
vigorously.

[reporter] Kapoor is facing
some very serious list of felony charges,

including racketeering, mail fraud,
wire fraud and conspiracy.

I love how he didn't stop
at just one type of fraud.

He got all the frauds.

That's the prison equivalent
of taking the MCAT and the GMAT.

He's like,
I'm just trying to cover my bases here.

Kapoor is out on bail right now,

and he doesn't even have to wear
an ankle monitor,

because he complained
it interfered with his jogging.

Yeah, no shit, that is the whole point
of ankle monitors:

to stop you from running.

Isn't that the most uncle shit ever?

He's just taking like a morning tahal,
like, It's hurting me!

And they're like, Alright, just...

Let him take it off.

Now, obviously...
we can't talk about shitty Indians

without talking about the former governor
of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal,

who took a billion-dollar
state budget surplus

and drove it straight into the ground.

[reporter] Deep cuts will have to be
spread across many state agencies

including 84 million from higher education
and 108 million dollars from healthcare.

What self-respecting Indian
hurts colleges and hospitals?

[laughter]

We go to college
so we can work at hospitals.

That's our farm to table, Bobby.

[laughter, applause]

And then...

there was the painting in his office.

[reporter] First of all, neither of these
look that much like you,

but what's the problem
with the one on the left?

What's the problem?

-He gentrified his face!
-[laughter]

That painting should be an ad
for Fair & Lovely.

Fair & Lovely: we'll make you so white,

you'll change your name
from Piyush to Bobby.

Then, of course, there is the kingpin:

Dinesh D'Souza.

He is on the Mount Rushmore
of shitty Indians.

Twice. He's that bad.

If you don't know, Dinesh D'Souza
is a far-right political commentator,

author, filmmaker and complete psychopath.

It's not that Obama hates America,

it's not that he's trying
to take America down,

it's almost like this:

if I was in a family
and I believed that my dad

was some kind of a serial killer
or a child molester,

I would still love him,
he would still be part of my family...

Would you?

Would you still love
your child-molesting, murdering father?

Also, how does that connect
to Barack Obama?

Not only does Dinesh say insane shit,
he also writes insane shit.

[reporter] He tweeted about Rosa Parks,

Overrated democrats department:

So Rosa Parks wouldn't sit
in the back of the bus--

that's all she did, what's the big fuss?

I love that Dinesh was like, You know
who's had it too good for too long?

Rosa Parks.

A black woman who lived
in Jim Crow Alabama.

Who's he gonna go after next?
Victims of a school shooting?

Oh yeah, he did that, too.

[reporter] He was heavily criticized
for his tweets

on the Parkland School shooting,

including retweeting this image

showing students reacting
to a failed gun control vote,

writing, Worst news since their parents
told them to get summer jobs.

In 2014, Dinesh was charged
with campaign finance violations,

which is great,

but then, miraculously,
Donald Trump pardoned him,

which was terrible.

Except it gave us
one of the best exchanges ever.

The notion that just because
you've accepted a pardon

automatically means you're guilty

I think is reasoning for stupid people.

But you eventually pleaded guilty to this.

I did.

Yes! Yes!

How does this happen?

This isn't how we were raised.
We're capable of so much more.

But maybe...

I'm looking at these terrible Indians in
the wrong way, maybe they're not terrible.

Maybe they're trailblazers.

John Kapoor, Bobby Jindal,
Dinesh D'Souza...

They're actually setting us free.

For once,
Indians don't have to be doctors

or pharmacists, or accountants.

We can be so much more!

We can finally be as bad as we wanna be.

My parents want me to win
the Scripps spelling bee.

My dad wants me to take college classes
in middle school.

My mom makes me do taekwondo,

but only because it looks good
on college applications.

My parents say I have to be a doctor.

That sounded boring
until I heard about John Kapoor.

[reporter] John Kapoor was arrested
on charges

including racketeering,
conspiracy, and fraud.

Thanks to John Kapoor,

I know that I can be a doctor
who fucks around in the drug game.

As a national merit scholar,

I was obsessed with getting
the right answer,

but Dinesh D'Souza taught me
that I don't have to.

I don't even have to say things
that make sense.

I can be a complete fucking lunatic.

The idea that there's not a mere analogy
between Hitler and the democrats...

he got his schemes from them.

I thought I couldn't be hardcore
because my name is Raj,

but then businessman Raj Gupta
got arrested for insider trading.

[reporter] He is about to be
criminally charged.

[reporter 2] Prosecutors say Rajat Gupta
was leaking secret corporate information.

[reporter 3] Gupta often shared
that valuable inside information

with convicted hedge fund trader
Raj Rajaratnam.

That's three Rajs in one crime.

Rajs are dope.

I want most in my Wikipedia page
to be the controversies tab.

Forget good grades.
I'm making insider trades.

I wanna make money off of cancer patients
and use it to hunt rhinos.

I wanna destroy a government agency
from the inside.

My bindi is gonna be a prison tattoo.

A kid named Raj
ain't nothing to fuck with.

[applause]

[cheering]

Man, those kids are the American dream.

That's our show. Good night!

I'll see you next week.

[outro music plays]