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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:10,160 Hello. I'm Dermot O'Leary, off the telly, but today, 2 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:12,040 I'm starring in my own cop drama. 3 00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:14,320 I'm going to be a detective and try and solve a murder. 4 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:17,720 Now, I've no idea who's dead, who's done it or what's about to happen to me, 5 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:20,560 but wish me luck because I'm off to Successville. 6 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:29,000 Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities. 7 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:32,320 Sometimes the famous faces who live here break the law, 8 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:36,560 and when they do, I'm here to take them down. 9 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,480 I'm DI Sleet. 10 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:41,000 There's three things you need to know about me. 11 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,760 1) I hate crime. 12 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:47,400 2) is the type of diabetes I have and 3) is the time I start drinking. 13 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,640 Another pint of rose, please, bar keep, 14 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,800 and here's a shilling for your troubles. 15 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:08,920 Oh, Jesus Christ! It stinks in here! 16 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:10,160 What is that? 17 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:14,960 Oh, that could be my body odour, sir, or maybe my, my arsehole. 18 00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,920 Also there's a family of rodents, I think they're rats or mice, 19 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,200 living in this place. 20 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,920 This place is a rubbish tip! 21 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:23,520 I'm sorry, Chief. 22 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:25,720 You'd better get your act together. Um, O'Leary... 23 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:27,040 Yes? 24 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:31,120 Quick as you can, come on. Careful, police property. 25 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,840 Um, this is DI Sleet, yes. 26 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:37,000 I want you to listen to everything he tells you. 27 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,360 Unless he's talking complete bullshit, which is 28 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:42,760 95% of the time, in which case, tell him to fuck off! 29 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:45,880 - Thanks, Chief, thanks for chatting as well. - Yeah, thank you. 30 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,120 Take a seat. 31 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,240 This is going to require sitting down and thinking. 32 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,760 I always think better when my brain's warm. 33 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:52,800 Yeah. 34 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,120 OK, O'Leary. 35 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,840 I'm going to enjoy working with you, boss, I'm going to learn a lot from you. 36 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:01,360 You're not here to enjoy yourself, but if you do enjoy yourself 37 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:05,840 at the same time as solving crimes, well, touche to you, sir. 38 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:08,760 Just so I'm clear in my new job, we're solving a murder, right? 39 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:12,760 If there's a homicide, I will be solving it and you will be my... 40 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:14,040 Helping you. 41 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:15,280 ..my boy, my best boy. 42 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,680 So I'm your Batman, I'm your... I'm with you all the way, I'm... 43 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:19,920 - No, no, I'm your Batman, you're my Robin. - Robin, yeah. 44 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,800 Don't you dare try to be Batman, you're a long way off! 45 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,040 No, I meant, I'm like your valet, I'm your sidekick. 46 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:27,640 Well, yes, I mean, but you won't be able to drive my car. 47 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:29,800 How many cases have you got on the go at the moment? 48 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,000 37. 49 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,360 What's going on with them? 50 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:36,680 Are you here as a clerical assistant, or to watch how I teach? 51 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:39,320 Well, I want... let's solve some crimes. 52 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:43,040 O'Leary, listen, sometimes we just sit here and stare. 53 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:45,880 What would you want to stare at? 54 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,400 Just, do I have an option? 55 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,680 I usually sit and stare at that old TV. 56 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,640 It hasn't worked since 1983, but... 57 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:57,520 - Yeah. Er... - Put your feet up, I'll allow it this once. 58 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:01,120 Now we just sit and wait for a crime to be committed. 59 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:04,000 What the hell?! Get your feet off the desk! 60 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,960 What do you think this is, a doss house?! 61 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,520 Just, just learning from the best. 62 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,920 Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't drop me in it, O'Leary. 63 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:12,200 I told you not to listen to him when he talks bullshit. 64 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,880 Now listen up, you two, I've got a little job for you. 65 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:18,960 Yes. There's an emergency, the Mayor's PA, Amanda Holden, 66 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,360 yes, has been murdered. 67 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,240 I need you to get your fat arse down to forensics 68 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,280 and take Timmy Tiptoes here with you. 69 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,120 Wow, he's really fired-up about this one. 70 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:28,240 He's in a really bad mood. 71 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,120 No, he's actually in quite a good mood. 72 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:33,560 - Holden? - Holden's dead and we must find her killer. 73 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,040 All right, yes. 74 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,960 Dermot, let's go solve a crime. 75 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,760 Yes! 76 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,800 Bingo! We had ourselves a murder. 77 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:45,160 O'Leary was keener than a mouse at a French market. 78 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:48,240 Time to see chief pathologist, Lana Del Rey. 79 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:50,840 This is the victim. 80 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,360 Cripes, wow, Jesus! 81 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:57,080 Oh, wowser! Lana, so how did she die? 82 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:58,640 She looks like she was shot? 83 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:01,160 Well done, Dermot. Very observational of you. 84 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,320 Well, make a note of that in your book. 85 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:08,600 Well, I think you should, um, have a look at this, 86 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,880 it's a VHS that was found with the body. 87 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,600 Some of the kids in my block have got one of these. 88 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,160 - Yeah. - Yeah, Jimmy from the flats. It's, er... 89 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:19,760 Pretty much all the rage. Boss, it says on it... 90 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,000 "Cowell Kidnap Tape." 91 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,560 What? Play it immediately. Get it on, Lana, quick! 92 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,520 Time is of the essence. 93 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:31,520 Um, it's very simple, I've been taken hostage. 94 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:33,920 You've got 24 hours to deliver ?5 million 95 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,360 in unmarked bags to the bins outside Biba's Casino 96 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,960 or I'm going to be blown to smithereens. 97 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:43,720 Damn it! Damn it to hell, O'Leary! 98 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,480 That's not good, that's not good at all. 99 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:50,880 Looks like Holden was just the appetiser. 100 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:54,200 - Ah-ha. - Mayor Simon Cowell is our main course. 101 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,960 Do you think Holden got in the way of the people trying to 102 00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,280 kidnap Cowell? 103 00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:00,440 Well, yes, I do now you've said it. 104 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,040 Make a note of that, O'Leary. 105 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,480 Yeah, yeah, OK, "Holden got in way." 106 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:08,600 Lana Del Rey, where... Did the VHS come with the body? 107 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,400 - Uh-huh. - OK. 108 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,520 Is there any other clues on the body that we need to know? 109 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,040 This was found at the crime scene... 110 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,480 It's a visitors' log book. 111 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:19,520 From the Mayor's office? 112 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,200 - Uh-huh. - Thank you, Lana. 113 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:25,360 Three people were seen visiting the Mayor that night. 114 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:31,200 Jessie J, 8.45. Miley Cyrus, 8.30. Alan Sugar, 8.00. 115 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:36,240 - They're our three suspects, boss. - Exactly, Dermot. Right, you drive. 116 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,720 I'm going to have a few beers, get my head round this thing. 117 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:41,040 - Excellent. - Thanks, Lana. 118 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,160 - Thanks, Lana. - Hm. - See you soon. 119 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:54,240 So, what's the plan? 120 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:56,440 We're going undercover, kid. 121 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,760 My name is going to be Elsie Pickles. 122 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:03,040 I'm an elderly woman seeking a new home. 123 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,400 - Uh-huh. - You're my nephew, Ronald. 124 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:08,160 - Why are we going undercover? - Because that's what we do, we're cops, 125 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,840 we go undercover and investigate things. 126 00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:12,720 - No, I just thought we could just go, go and speak to her? - No. - OK. 127 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,400 She will be on to us straight away and she'll clam up, 128 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:16,720 that's what suspects do. 129 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,760 - Gotcha, I hear you. - You up for this? 130 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:20,360 Let's go and be cops. 131 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:21,960 Let's go be cops. 132 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,960 Oh. 133 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,200 Hello, everyone, hello. 134 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,800 Hello there. 135 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:36,400 Are you Miley Cyrus? 136 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,760 Well, I ain't Billie Rae! What can I do for you? 137 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,720 Hello, Miley, my name's Ronald Pickles 138 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,520 and this is my old aunt, Elsie. 139 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:44,640 Hello there. 140 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:49,440 I'm Elsie Pickles, as he says, I'm an old aunt of his. 141 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:51,760 You're probably wondering what I've done all my life. 142 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,040 - Well, I used to be a flapper girl, you sees. - Right. 143 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:57,720 Then I used all my savings and invested it in baked beans. 144 00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,400 I made many millions from it. 145 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,840 And then I lost it all in the great treacle famine. 146 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:05,240 Elsie's, she's, she's doing well, but... 147 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:08,920 - Right. - But she can't manage the stairs any more, can you? 148 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,640 No, that's why I'm in this infernal thing. 149 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,600 Since I lost my Billy. 150 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:14,640 All right, what happened? 151 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:16,560 Well, he got the mumps and passed on. 152 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,040 - So many people do, huh? - Yeah. Yeah. - It's sad. 153 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:22,240 Ronald's got loads of hobbies though, he keeps himself busy. 154 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,120 Great, I mean this, this has been so nice... 155 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:27,000 Also he has an interest in, in putting ships in bottles. 156 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,680 - Oh, wow. - And public speakings. 157 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:29,760 - Great. - Yeah, yeah. 158 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,680 Hey, Miley, it's your go on the Scrabble. 159 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:34,280 OK, I'll be like two secs. 160 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,680 Sorry, it's Russell Kane, 161 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,000 he's the oldest member of Success Story's community. 162 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,160 He really loves to play Scrabble, but let me tell you something, ain't 163 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:44,680 no-one every beat Miley Cyrus at Scrabble, I am amazing at Scrabble. 164 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,280 - Confusing, but true. - Do you have Police Academy 7? 165 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:51,280 Police Academy 7? What, Assignment Miami Beach? Yeah, sure, I'll be with you. 166 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:53,280 These cats love movies more than they love 167 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:54,520 outdated 1980s technology. 168 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:57,400 So just like give me a second, right, because they cannot work a VHS. 169 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:58,520 You know what I mean? 170 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:02,760 - Well, thank you for all your help. - Right? - Yeah. 171 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,000 She's got some form on her, I'll tell you. 172 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,840 Right. She's got a VHS machine! 173 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:09,760 I think the next part of our plan is about to take part. 174 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,800 I took the liberty of bringing some chocolates for me. 175 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,480 They're laced with a powerful sleeping draught. 176 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:19,080 If we give one of these to Miley Cyrus, it'll knock her clean out. 177 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,360 Right, then we can have a sneak around the place. 178 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:22,960 - Find some evidence. - Gotcha. 179 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,680 - OK. - Who's giving these to her, me or you? 180 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:29,280 - You. And try and be sexy when you do it. - Oh, yeah, yeah, cool. 181 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,560 I think she's single and looking for love. 182 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,160 Sorry about that, guys. 183 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,560 - No problem. - No problem. 184 00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:37,960 We wanted to bring you something, 185 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,600 just a little token of our appreciation, for you just... 186 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,280 It ain't a bribe or nothing, just some sweet arse chocolates. 187 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,120 Thank you, but I don't eat chocolates, because I don't believe in them. 188 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:49,600 Listen, they're the nicest chocolates I've ever eaten in my life. 189 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:51,320 Listen, I love these things, I do. 190 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:52,960 But that's rude not to, um... 191 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,960 Get one down you, girl. 192 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,800 Well, like, guys, I'm really not... 193 00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:59,440 Ssh, just... 194 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:05,120 She really loves, like, wants to be here, and I think she'd 195 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,880 kind of be a little bit insulted if you just didn't try one. 196 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:11,000 I know, right, but like I'm a vegan, I can't eat... 197 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,040 Woah, old lady likes her sleep, huh? 198 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:15,680 - Oh, no, I know. - While you're here, do you want to sign my petition? 199 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,040 - Yeah... - Do you know what the Mayor? 200 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:20,320 He's trying to build a bypass right through this place. 201 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:22,560 Can you believe it?! I can't even stand to think of it. 202 00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,040 I guess he doesn't care about my poor old residents, right? 203 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,600 Thank you so much for signing. PHONE RINGS 204 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,520 Hello? Successful Nursing Home, Miley Cyrus proprietor speaking. 205 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:33,440 What? No way, you're kidding, that's incredible, are you sure? 206 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,800 OK, thanks for ringing, bye. 207 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:36,600 - Do you know what that was? - Tell me. 208 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,160 Every month we have a public speaker who comes here to entertain 209 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,560 and inform our family and he just cancelled. 210 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:46,920 - Oh, wow. - He was supposed to be doing a talk on ships...in bottles. 211 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,560 Hold on a dang minute! Are you feeling what I'm feeling? 212 00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:51,560 Dude, this is the best thing that ever happened! 213 00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:52,800 Come on, let's go. 214 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,160 OK, listen up, everyone, turn on your hearing aids. 215 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:56,960 We've got a guest speaker, he's going 216 00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,040 to talk to you about ships in bottles, remember like I promised? 217 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,320 How? When? Why? 218 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:02,600 You can ask him anything 219 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,600 and he knows everything about ships in bottles. 220 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,040 Are we excited? 221 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:10,360 OK, Ronald, do this for me, please, don't let me down, darling, you are so great. 222 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,320 Come on, you can do this, let's go. 223 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,520 Well, hi, everyone, it's very nice to be here. 224 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:17,600 Er, as Miley said, um, 225 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:22,520 I am one of the pre-eminent experts in ships in bottles. 226 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,360 So, now I'm sure you're all aware of, 227 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,680 being the certain age you are, of the ships in bottles... 228 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,360 What he say? 229 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,760 Ships in bottles. You know the little ships? 230 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:33,480 He says he shits in bottles. 231 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,520 Ships, putting ships, like from the Armada, yeah? 232 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:39,680 Mary Rose, Henry VIII. You understand, yeah? 233 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,160 - Nelson. - What size are the bottles? 234 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,360 Well, there are various sizes, Russell. 235 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:48,400 Some of them are kind of a, like a magnum size, for a bigger ship, 236 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,720 but for the most part, the skill is to find a smaller bottle. 237 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,360 Do you need special bottles? 238 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:56,560 Well, you need, it's not so much a special bottle... Sorry, what's your name, my love? 239 00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,120 - Hazel. - Hazel, hello, Hazel. 240 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,520 It's not so much a special bottle, it's more what you, you have to set it to start with. 241 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,680 Why do you need to put shit in a bottle? 242 00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:06,080 I'm not putting shit in a bottle. 243 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,000 - What's your name, my love? - You just said you were. 244 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,040 - What's your name? - Ninette. - Ninette. 245 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:11,560 How long does it take? 246 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:13,480 Well, it depends on the size of the bottle 247 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,040 and the size of the ship, to be honest. 248 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,440 The way you have to, you have to force the ship through, 249 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,640 - SHIP through. - Can I use the toilet? 250 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:21,720 That's probably not a question for me, right? 251 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,920 - He's speaking to you, right? So... - Of course you can. 252 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:25,600 I can put shit in a bottle. 253 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,920 - Dermot, what the hell are you doing?! - What do you mean, Dermot?! What? 254 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:30,400 What's going on here?! 255 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:31,480 Sister, one second. 256 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:34,920 - Elsie, what are you talking about, don't blow cover yet. - It's time to blow cover. 257 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:38,840 You've almost ruined it, you just fell asleep by eating one of those fucking chocolates, you idiot! 258 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:41,360 - I couldn't help it. - Do you stand up, or are you just going to sit down? 259 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:45,200 - I'll stand up. - OK, ready? Let's blow this case wide open. 260 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,640 I've lost all control of my body. 261 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,000 I'm so sorry, Elsie's had a... 262 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,520 It's all right, like, why is she calling you Dermot, right? 263 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,760 Well, what happened, she's, like I say, she's not... 264 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,360 Well, I'm no woman! 265 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,440 - What? - I'm DI Sleet, from... 266 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:07,360 - What the...? - ..Murder Squad... - What are you bringing in here, you guys?! This is crazy! 267 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:08,560 Successville. 268 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:10,680 She's just a bit delusional, I'm so sorry. 269 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:12,960 Sit down there, Elsie. There you go. 270 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,440 We're cops, Goddamn it, Cyrus! 271 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,000 - You're cops? - Yeah. 272 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,920 Why didn't you say you were cops? What's this shit about? 273 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:23,400 You've made an enemy of one of the most powerful men in Successville. 274 00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,800 How did I make an enemy? 275 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,000 Work my arms, Dermot. 276 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,960 - How did she make an enemy...? - Both of them, Dermot. - What did I do? I just... 277 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,600 - What did you do? - Yeah, what... 278 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,640 You made me mad! 279 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,080 You know what, you're crazy. 280 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,600 You're dressed as an old lady, 281 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,280 you have two pairs of glasses on and you've got a head scarf on. 282 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:41,160 Screw you, buddy, I'm just a nice old person trying to help people! 283 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:44,120 - Really? - Yeah. - How did you try and help Simon Cowell, 284 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:46,520 when you pulled past his office the other night? 285 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:47,560 You know what I did? 286 00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,720 I took my petition to Cowell and you know what he did? 287 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,000 He didn't listen, because he don't care about people, 288 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,720 he don't care about the town. 289 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:55,480 I think we'd be better off without him! 290 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:56,680 This smells rotten to me. 291 00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:57,760 Exactly, Dermot. 292 00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:59,560 This looks fucking weird! 293 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,240 Save it for the county jail, sister. 294 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,680 - Right... - Exactly. Wheel me out of here, Dermot. 295 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:06,520 Get out of here, come on! We've got Scrabble class. 296 00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:09,680 I'm going to open the door for you, because I feel sorry for you, 297 00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:11,160 because this is so Goddamn pathetic! 298 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:12,800 - I don't want your pity! - Just try and... 299 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:15,240 I just want your answers. Don't you cross me! 300 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:16,600 Don't you cross me! 301 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,760 You're both embarrassing. 302 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:23,480 The rope's too tight, I can't feel my feet, I need to go to the toilet. 303 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:27,560 Let's just come to some kind of amicable agreement. 304 00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:29,720 I'm a very influential man. 305 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:35,560 Here we are. This is Jessie J's place. 306 00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:36,920 Wow! 307 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:40,840 Yeah, she was my sensei growing up, she taught me everything I know. 308 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:41,880 Back in the day? 309 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:45,480 Way back in the day, O'Leary. You must remember one thing... 310 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:46,640 Mm-hmm? 311 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:51,720 A relationship with a sensei is based on truth, honour and power. 312 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:55,760 I need to see you perform a power stance. 313 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,080 - Like this. - HE YELLS 314 00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:01,400 Oh, like that? Yeah. 315 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,680 No, try another one. 316 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,640 No. 317 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,400 No. 318 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,400 No. 319 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,720 No. 320 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:12,800 You did that one already. 321 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:15,200 I know, that's similar but more powerful. 322 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,960 Try one more. "Hap hap." 323 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:19,760 "Ninya!" 324 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:21,120 Now you're just making up words. 325 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,440 I'm not, that's Japanese for "hello." 326 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:24,680 It's not Japanese. 327 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:26,360 Kimaragnas! 328 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:28,280 She's going to be offended if you do that. 329 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,240 Rey, hey, hey, hey...! 330 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:35,720 I don't... I don't think we should do the power moves in there. 331 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:38,120 - HE YELLS - Konichiwa! 332 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,480 - Brilliant! - OK, good, that's a Japanese word. 333 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,960 Yes. And one that I'm sure she'll be impressed by. 334 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,200 - Yes. - Let's do this, O'Leary. 335 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:50,360 Hello, Philip. 336 00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:58,880 Hakuna matata, sensei. 337 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,120 Senpai. 338 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:06,920 We are currently looking into the kidnap of Simon Cowell. 339 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,560 - And a murder. - And a murder. Thank you. 340 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,640 And the murder of Amanda Holden. 341 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:14,400 Rumour on the street is you had beef with Mayor Cowell. 342 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,480 I have no gripe with anyone, Sleet. 343 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,840 The world and time are linear to me. 344 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:22,720 I see and hear all things the world chooses to show me. 345 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,640 Look at this one. Hmm. 346 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:30,040 Now, young one, you're obviously not at one with this world yet 347 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:33,240 and that is OK, but listen, let me help you. 348 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:37,440 Because deep within all of us is a spirit animal, a spiritual guide. 349 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,760 Now, most people don't allow this animal to take control, 350 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,200 - but you must. - Mm-hmm. 351 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:46,880 Now my animal is a panther, strong, sleek, unafraid. His... 352 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,880 Mine is a curious goat. 353 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,400 - That was it. - That's nice. 354 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:53,200 Well, you know, it's all right, I'm slightly ashamed of it. 355 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,440 You must never be ashamed of your spirit animal. 356 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:58,560 - Yeah, but it's easy for you to say, you're a panther. - Why did you pick a goat? 357 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,040 You don't choose your spirit animal, it chooses you. 358 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,560 - Yes, of course. - And we're going to find yours, Dermot. Are you ready? 359 00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:07,760 - Yeah. - Shut your eyes. Now clear that little mind of yours. 360 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:10,760 Now, I want you to think of the second animal that 361 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:13,520 - comes into your head, not the first one, but the second one. - Pussy cat. 362 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,400 Pussy cat, nice. Station him, park him for a bit. 363 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,800 Oh, there's another animal coming along, what's that animal? 364 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,720 - Kangaroo. - Kangaroo and a pussy cat. 365 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,600 - Yeah. - They're fighting. - Yeah. 366 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,720 - The pussy cat. - Let the pussy cat kill the kangaroo. 367 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:27,920 - So who's won? - Pussy cat. 368 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,960 - That is your spirit animal. - Aah, that's nice. 369 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,720 You could have been anything you wanted to 370 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:33,640 be in the world, anything, and you chose a pussy cat. 371 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,800 - You're a curious goat. - Yes, I know, but... 372 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,280 What I need you to do now is call to your guide. 373 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,440 Make the cries of the pussy cat to the heavens, 374 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:42,880 Sleet and I will join you. 375 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:46,640 DERMOT MEOWS SLEET BLARES 376 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:49,080 It's a very quiet pussy cat, Dermot. 377 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:55,240 Sleet, Sleet, that's great, can we hold the goat for a second? 378 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:56,440 Keep going, Dermot. 379 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,200 Sounds like a very sad pussy cat. 380 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,440 Or an owl. 381 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:02,600 Sounds more like an owl, doesn't it? 382 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,520 More like a sort of... 383 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:07,640 Imagine, just a bit angrier. 384 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,400 HE HISSES 385 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,280 - That's quite good. - Well, I don't know, it was very catty. 386 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,400 Hmm. Now if you want to ask me any questions, you can 387 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,680 ask me through your animal. 388 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,600 - Do I have to speak in the animal language? - That's what I said. 389 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,480 "Why were you at Simon Cowell's house?" 390 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,320 I went to see Simon Cowell. 391 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:24,480 "What was it about?" 392 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,520 Can we stop asking the same question, please? 393 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,520 - Yes, sorry. - This is a place of respite and I wish to meditate. 394 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,160 Now, I will offer you guys the chance to join me 395 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,960 if you'd so like to. Would you like to? 396 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,040 Yes, we'd love to. 397 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:36,960 - Take a seat. - Of course. 398 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,000 Love to. 399 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,600 Meditation, have you done it before, Dermot? 400 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:44,640 Right. 401 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:47,440 Now I sense that you two are searching for answers 402 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:48,520 - on the outside. - Yes. 403 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:49,760 PHONE RINGS 404 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,600 - Whose phone is that? - That's not my phone. 405 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,080 - It's not my phone. - I gave Philip my phone. It's coming from you. 406 00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,640 - Why can I hear it coming from this direction? - It's not my phone... 407 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,320 It's coming from here! What's going...? 408 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:01,120 You know my rule about technology, Sleet! Give it to me! 409 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,320 - I'm sorry... - Dermot, give it to me! - It wasn't my... 410 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:06,120 I don't care if it's yours, you're not having it in my fucking dojo! 411 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:08,400 - I'm sorry. - Sorry if we've offended you. 412 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,960 And I don't like Simon Cowell trying to get rid of this place to 413 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,480 turn it into telephone towers. 414 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:13,680 I'm not having it! 415 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,080 I've told him I will defend my sanctuary to the death 416 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:17,920 and I'll say the same thing to you now. 417 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:20,600 Seriously, the total lack of respect... 418 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,040 Konichiwa! 419 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:25,200 - What, what is this? What is this? - These are our power stances. 420 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,600 I get this, this is not powerful at all. 421 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:29,040 I know, it's weird. He... 422 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:30,600 Get out of here! I hate you! 423 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,160 OK. Just back out, Dermot, slowly. 424 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:34,200 - Back out. - Slowly back out. 425 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,120 Leave me in peace, this is my haven! 426 00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:38,960 You are now a suspect in the murder of Simon Cowell. 427 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:40,760 I don't care, I'm glad he's dead. 428 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:43,240 He's not dead, he's just been kidnapped. I was trying to fool you. 429 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,760 - Oh, shit! - Thank you, Philip. 430 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,480 - Go! - Konichiwa, Jessie. 431 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:50,760 You know, I like you, I think you're a fantastic personality, 432 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,560 I just don't think this is the way to achieve your objective. 433 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,000 That's all I'm trying to say. 434 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,760 Last suspect was sweet shop owner Alan Sugar. 435 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:07,560 We had to be quick, because like a badly stocked spice rack, 436 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:09,160 we were running out of time. 437 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,240 Hello? 438 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,800 - Hello? No-one home. - No. 439 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:17,760 - Listen, O'Leary... - Yeah? 440 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:24,240 Mayor Cowell was going to close this place down. 441 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,280 Hygiene or some crap. 442 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,000 So they've all got motive. 443 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:32,920 Oh, yeah. Listen, do you see what I see? 444 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,840 Sugar ain't around. He must be upstairs. 445 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:37,800 - Yeah. - Maybe we should get his attention. 446 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:40,640 Well, no, maybe we should just look around and try and find clues. 447 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,000 Smash, smash this place up a bit. Smash the table. 448 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,640 - I don't want to... - Let him know we're here! Like really smash it up. 449 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,160 Argh! 450 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,800 We're here! 451 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,160 I've got to... O'Leary, I've got to take this. 452 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,040 That's, please don't take that call. 453 00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:54,760 I've got to, booty calls. 454 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:09,080 I'm looking for the truth, Mr Sugar. 455 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,000 Alan? Alan, someone who's smashed up the shop. 456 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:20,640 Mr Sugar? 457 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,880 You got some sort of problem, boy? 458 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,200 We've got some talking to do. 459 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:29,920 - And I'm looking for the truth. - Yeah, well, I'm telling you the truth. 460 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:31,200 You want to smash my shop up? 461 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,400 Not particularly. 462 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,200 Let's smash, let's smash it up. 463 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,040 Let's smash it up! Come on! Come on! 464 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,840 Let's smash it up! 465 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,120 I appreciate you're a little bit angry... 466 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:52,560 Have one! 467 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:55,200 Have one! These are beautiful. 468 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,080 They're great. 469 00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:00,080 What do you want to ask me? What do you want to know? 470 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,520 Have a nice fruit salad. One of your five-a-day. 471 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:03,720 Thank you. 472 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,240 Yeah. You can eat them... 473 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,080 Why have you got it in for Cowell? 474 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,440 Cowell sent his boys around here, did you know that?! 475 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:14,120 Health and Safety, rummaging through me stock! 476 00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:16,400 All right, they found a little few things. 477 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,320 Couple of mice. So what's, what's the...? 478 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:21,360 Few rat droppings in the lemon bonbons. 479 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:25,360 Couple of fruit salads was way past their sell-by date. 480 00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:27,040 Three years. 481 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:28,920 That's not a crime, though, is it? 482 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,000 Well, enough to get you shut down. 483 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,640 Is it enough for you to kidnap him? That's what I want to know. 484 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:38,120 I'll tell you what I know - he don't know nothing about sweets. 485 00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:40,760 And I've got sweets running through my veins! 486 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:42,480 - I know that. - Look at me! 487 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:43,560 I know that. 488 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:45,720 I'm on my own, I've got nothing! 489 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:47,280 Open up. 490 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,800 There you go, it's all right. It's all right. 491 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:53,120 Plenty of other, there's plenty of other sweet shops out there. 492 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:55,640 Could I have a bit of the strawberry laces? 493 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,160 There you go. 494 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,560 I had everything, now I've got nothing! 495 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:04,960 There you go, eh? 496 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:09,840 Time was of the essence. 497 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:12,920 We headed to the station. For clues? No. 498 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,680 For something a little more important than that. 499 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:18,200 Come on, O'Leary, follow me. 500 00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:21,440 Phew. 501 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,400 Listen, O'Leary, I know we're up against it time-wise, but, er... 502 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,920 Yeah, big time. We've got like, we've got to save Simon. 503 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,520 Dermot, give me a second. 504 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,480 - There's a bit of a big deal happening. - Right. 505 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,960 Sid Lowecroft is leaving, um, 506 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,960 this is a little present for his daughter. 507 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:36,680 - Oh, OK. - Put this on. 508 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:37,800 But he doesn't know who I am. 509 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:40,640 That's what the whole kick is, he's gonna get a kick out of the new guy. 510 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,680 He won't get a kick out of it, he'll just go, "Who are you? 511 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:44,440 "Why are you gate-crashing my last day?" 512 00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:47,320 No, he won't, as soon as he walks in, blow that. 513 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,440 Then give him the doll, read out the letter. 514 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:53,000 - Yeah, letter. - It's some kind words that I've written down for him. 515 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:57,600 - OK. - And then let one of these bad boys off. 516 00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,840 Doll, letter, boom. 517 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:02,320 Bingo. I'm going to go and get the cake. 518 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,640 - Let him know that we're ready. - You're not in this with me? 519 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,120 No, no, no, no, I'm just going to go and get a cake. 520 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:08,840 Right, hide under there when he comes in. 521 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,680 - Right. - Are you ready for this? - Under there? 522 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:15,000 - Under there. - This is going to be great, he'll get such a kick from this. 523 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,040 Good stuff, Dermot. 524 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:18,520 Are you ready and settled? 525 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:19,560 Yeah. 526 00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:26,880 Sid? 527 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,160 - Yeah. - Hi, Sid, how are you? 528 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,880 - All right, yeah. - I know we haven't met, I'm Dermot. 529 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:35,400 - Good, good. You're the new lad? - I am. I'm Dermot, how are you? 530 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:36,720 - Good. - Good to meet you. 531 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,200 - Yeah. - It's your last day. 532 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:39,600 - Is it? - Yeah. 533 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:42,040 No, it's not. 534 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,560 No, shall I... You're leaving, aren't you? 535 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:48,800 - You what? - You're leaving and Sleet said I've got to sort of like, you know, 536 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:51,800 just give you a surprise and give you presents for your daughter. 537 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:53,920 - Well, I'm not... - There we go. 538 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,480 Wonderful. OK, then he's written some words for you. 539 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:58,000 Yeah, go on. 540 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,240 Yeah, this'll be good. What? 541 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,640 - Go on. - Oh, man. 542 00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,320 "As your sectional manager, 543 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,960 "I've been asked to inform you that your employment has been terminated. 544 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:11,320 "The following violations have been logged by HR. 545 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:16,000 "On the 5th June, CCTV caught you going into a woman's locker room 546 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,960 "and pleasuring yourself over Sandra's knickers. 547 00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:20,840 "On 5th July you drove your police panda car 548 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:23,240 "into Tony's Volvo in the staff car park 549 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,280 "and then jumped on the bonnet screaming, 550 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:26,640 "'Screw you Tony, you think 551 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:30,000 "'your dick's so big, you think my wife likes your dick more than mine. 552 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,520 "'Sob sob.' Please hand your badge and your gun in, 553 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:35,600 "you'll be escorted from the building immediately." 554 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:41,160 What, you're... What, are you, are you joking? 555 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:42,440 No, I'm sorry. 556 00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:45,200 This isn't my... I don't, I don't know you, I've never met you before. 557 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:46,960 He told me to, he told me 558 00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:49,080 you were leaving after 20 years of police service. 559 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:51,560 What sort of way is this to break this kind of news to someone? 560 00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:52,880 I know, it's shit, man. 561 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:06,040 Are you taking the piss? 562 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:09,200 Have you just...? Because it's his first day. 563 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,480 First day? Taking the piss? 564 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:17,040 Flipping heck, mate, you had, right, so, so it's a joke then, is that it? 565 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:18,560 - No. - Isn't it? 566 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,120 Still sacked, I'm afraid, Sid, 567 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:23,640 I just thought I'd let Dermot hit the ground running. 568 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:27,640 Put a fun spin on it. You're a pervert, Sid. 569 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,440 You need to get help. 570 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:30,720 I know. 571 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:32,400 Right, we have a big case to solve, 572 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,280 - something you're not going to have to worry about now, eh? - No. 573 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:36,800 Big cases and police work. 574 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:38,360 Sleet, don't say that. 575 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:39,960 I'm really bad at breaking bad news. 576 00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:41,360 Yeah, yeah, no fucking joke! 577 00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:43,440 That's why I thought I'd get you to do it. 578 00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,040 Yeah, really fucking funny! 579 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:46,200 OK, I, I'm sorry, Sid. 580 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:47,680 Be careful, yeah? 581 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:48,720 Are we going now? 582 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,400 Yeah, we go, yeah, come on. We'll just leave him here, he'll be fine. 583 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:52,760 - Good luck. - Thanks. 584 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:54,480 Bye, Sid. Sorry. 585 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:56,800 Don't steal anything while you're here. 586 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:00,800 I got a call from Bomb Squad, they'd found Cowell. 587 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,600 The only way to deactivate the bomb was 588 00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:04,320 typing in the name of the kidnapper. 589 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:05,640 Miley, Jessie or Sugar. 590 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:07,680 Time for a hero! 591 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,440 Dermot O'Leary's here! Get out of the way! 592 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,880 Get out of the way! O'Leary, this is it. 593 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,040 - Yeah. - Judgment Day. 594 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:18,800 Hey, everyone, Dermot O'Leary's about to defuse this bomb. 595 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:20,200 You ready? 596 00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:21,360 - Yeah. - Do it. 597 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:27,040 Return? 598 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:28,080 Return, enter. 599 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:31,760 Oh, shit! 600 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:33,560 Jesus! 601 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:36,640 Oh! 602 00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:40,200 Looks like we need a new mayor. 603 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:42,760 What in the name of Satan's arsehole is that?! 604 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:46,960 I told you to save him, not blow him up! 605 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:48,160 Sorry about that, boss. 606 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:50,720 Sorry about that?! Is that your fault? 607 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:53,560 Well, it was O'Leary, sir, he, er, completely went for it. 608 00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:56,920 - He went rogue and started typing things into the computer... - I didn't go rogue. 609 00:26:56,920 --> 00:27:02,360 - Anyway, you said you 100% trust me, I didn't go rogue. - Oi, big boy, look at me, yes. Explanation now, yes! 610 00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:06,080 OK, I thought the killer and the kidnapper was Miley Cyrus. 611 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:07,840 - Did you? - Yeah. - Right, why? 612 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:10,720 She had motive, there was 613 00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:14,000 a bypass going to go through the old people's home. 614 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:17,440 I thought the old people loved the VHS, she knew her way around a VHS. 615 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:22,520 And the... And the delivery of the ransom note was in VHS. 616 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,640 You got that completely wrong. 617 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,600 The person you were after was Alan Sugar. 618 00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:30,200 It was obviously Alan Sugar. Why? 619 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,640 The Mayor was going to close Sugar's sweet shop down, 620 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,920 it was all he had, he was a desperate man. 621 00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:39,000 Did you not see the VHS player in Alan Sugar's shop? 622 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:40,480 - Yeah. - You did? - Yeah. 623 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:46,800 Yes, well, did you not see that the hostage tape was misspelt, yes? 624 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,280 "Kidnapp" takes one P. 625 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:49,720 You were closer to that than me, 626 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:51,200 I didn't get to look at that. 627 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:55,120 - Oh, stop talking, please! - Hey, don't start blaming me. Don't start blaming me for this, O'Leary! 628 00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:57,120 - Lana Del Rey was... - That's on your conscience. 629 00:27:57,120 --> 00:28:00,360 The point is, O'Leary, it couldn't have been Miley Cyrus 630 00:28:00,360 --> 00:28:01,760 because she told you... 631 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:03,680 No-one ever beat Miley Cyrus at Scrabble. 632 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:05,840 In other words, she could spell! 633 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:07,800 We should have just questioned her normally. 634 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:09,480 Well, all right, in retrospect, sorry, 635 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,160 we should have questioned her normally. 636 00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:14,920 - Everything in Sugar's shop was misspelt. - Oh, I see. 637 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:18,800 - I've trodden in more intelligent things than you, O'Leary! - Sorry. 638 00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:22,160 Yeah, you're fired! And it'll probably cost me my job! 639 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,840 - I hope you're happy. - You should go for mayor. 640 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:26,760 That's actually a good idea, sir. 641 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:27,880 You two disgust me. 642 00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:30,960 Fuck me! 643 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:32,920 Well, every cloud has a silver lining, 644 00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:34,640 even the cloud that is black and smokey, 645 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:38,280 because it's an explosion with a dead male in the middle of it. 646 00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:39,560 Come on, O'Leary. 647 00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:42,120 I know a place that's open all night long. 648 00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:43,680 - O'Leary's Bar. - Hey. 649 00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:46,680 - Teddy and Mick run it. Come on. - They're not related to me, are they? 650 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:48,080 Well, they won't admit it now! 651 00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:49,920 Hey, look at this guy, remember him? 652 00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:51,000 - Yeah. - Philip. 653 00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,640 - Phil. - Ha-ha ha-ha, see you, Phil. - Hey, Phil. 654 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:56,400 Oh, we're not allowed to use this car now because you've been sacked. 655 00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:58,000 We'll have to walk. Come on. 656 00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:03,080 Cuddly Toy by Roachford 657 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:05,000 # Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby 658 00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:06,920 # Feel for me, baby 659 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:08,960 # Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby 660 00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:10,680 # Feel for me, baby 661 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:12,800 And give me some love... 662 00:29:12,850 --> 00:29:17,400 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 53051

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