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1
00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:02,530
It's so lovely to finally meet you.
2
00:00:02,780 --> 00:00:04,290
Yeah, great, likewise.
3
00:00:04,340 --> 00:00:06,950
God, doesn't the smell of school
4
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,740
make you want to kill yourself?
5
00:00:11,580 --> 00:00:13,970
- Where's Marion tonight?
- Your guess is as good as mine.
6
00:00:14,020 --> 00:00:16,890
Apparently my mother no longer
has any interest in maintaining
7
00:00:16,940 --> 00:00:20,130
the welfare of my children. Look...
I can't... I can't be here long,
8
00:00:20,180 --> 00:00:22,890
I've got a massive thing to prep for work,
9
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:25,290
so if you could just sort
of stick to the headlines.
10
00:00:25,340 --> 00:00:27,010
Just the lowdown.
11
00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:28,570
Like, a sneak peek, I suppose.
12
00:00:28,620 --> 00:00:31,720
Basically, what would the trailer
be for this parents' evening?
13
00:00:33,780 --> 00:00:35,770
I'm not sure, if you don't mind me saying,
14
00:00:35,820 --> 00:00:38,330
I don't really understand
your parenting style.
15
00:00:38,380 --> 00:00:40,570
Because you're never here,
and when you are, you're late,
16
00:00:40,620 --> 00:00:42,970
and you barely get involved in
any of the school activities so...
17
00:00:43,020 --> 00:00:44,890
OK, OK. I think I know what this is about.
18
00:00:44,940 --> 00:00:47,450
Is this because I forgot to buy
you a bottle of wine at Christmas?
19
00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:48,970
- No, it's because...
- If it is,
20
00:00:49,020 --> 00:00:51,250
I really don't think that's
very fair, because I didn't know
21
00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:53,290
about the present-giving
culture at this school.
22
00:00:53,340 --> 00:00:54,570
- It's not.
- What do you want me to do?
23
00:00:54,620 --> 00:00:57,210
Do you want me to bring
you an apple every day?
24
00:00:57,260 --> 00:00:59,690
Do you want me to tip you at
Christmas, like the binmen?
25
00:00:59,740 --> 00:01:02,970
- Pardon? - Oh, God, it's
like a bloody racket here.
26
00:01:03,020 --> 00:01:05,770
What is this?! Can you
all just back off a bit?
27
00:01:05,820 --> 00:01:07,740
It's not the Antiques Roadshow.
28
00:01:09,540 --> 00:01:10,580
Jesus!
29
00:01:18,820 --> 00:01:20,290
Anne's doing the drinks?
30
00:01:20,340 --> 00:01:21,770
Oh, for God's sake.
31
00:01:21,820 --> 00:01:23,290
Anne's measures are too small.
32
00:01:23,340 --> 00:01:24,650
It's not Glastonbury, Liz.
33
00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:26,970
Exactly! It's a bloody school fundraiser.
34
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:29,650
We need alcohol, Kevin, proper measures.
35
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:32,170
You were the one who said Anne
should do the drinks last time.
36
00:01:32,220 --> 00:01:35,210
I was going by her being
Irish, it's before I knew her.
37
00:01:35,260 --> 00:01:37,850
Am I going insane?
38
00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:41,050
That looks like Caroline Lacy.
39
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:43,970
Caroline, yeah, Rueben's mum.
Just come back from Thailand.
40
00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:46,690
Thailand for a family
holiday -- dear, oh, dear.
41
00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:49,850
Caroline Lacy goes to our school?
42
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:51,770
- Hi, babe.
- Do you know her?
43
00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:54,210
Do I know her?! How do you NOT know her?
44
00:01:54,260 --> 00:01:56,650
I do know her -- we're talking
about her because we know her,
45
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:59,290
- and you don't.
- Excuse me, Liz, I know her,
46
00:01:59,340 --> 00:02:01,090
we started with the same company together.
47
00:02:01,140 --> 00:02:03,010
We were quite close at one point.
48
00:02:03,060 --> 00:02:04,730
Until she won every bloody award going.
49
00:02:04,780 --> 00:02:06,610
Follow me, kids. Caroline!
50
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,250
Hello! Hi.
51
00:02:09,300 --> 00:02:12,330
Hello, you! I didn't know
you went to this school.
52
00:02:12,380 --> 00:02:14,890
Yeah! Yeah, I do. These are mine.
53
00:02:14,940 --> 00:02:17,130
What? I thought they were Marion's?
54
00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:19,730
No, no, that's my mother.
55
00:02:19,780 --> 00:02:22,490
- Oh! Love Marion.
- Who doesn't?
56
00:02:22,540 --> 00:02:25,210
Oh! Here we go. See you around.
57
00:02:25,260 --> 00:02:27,100
Yes, see you around!
58
00:02:28,260 --> 00:02:29,930
She remembered me!
59
00:02:29,980 --> 00:02:32,970
- Didn't say your name.
- What?
60
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,770
Didn't she? I'm sure she did.
61
00:02:34,820 --> 00:02:36,860
No. Unless your name is "Around".
62
00:02:48,860 --> 00:02:50,650
Is this You've Been Framed?
63
00:02:50,700 --> 00:02:52,210
No, no, that was my wedding.
64
00:02:52,260 --> 00:02:53,860
That's my dad.
65
00:02:55,180 --> 00:02:58,330
- Oh, God! That cake looks nice. - Mm!
66
00:02:58,380 --> 00:03:01,410
I might go and get some cake, unless
you want to share that with me?
67
00:03:01,460 --> 00:03:03,330
No, I want to eat all of it on my own.
68
00:03:03,380 --> 00:03:04,850
Pig!
69
00:03:04,900 --> 00:03:08,450
I think that's the meeting
for the fundraiser.
70
00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:09,850
Shouldn't we be over there?
71
00:03:09,900 --> 00:03:12,010
I'm doing drinks, you're
doing the cloakroom.
72
00:03:12,060 --> 00:03:13,810
Why do we need to go to a meeting?
73
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:15,530
And don't complicate it, Kevin.
74
00:03:15,580 --> 00:03:17,450
They hate it when you complicate things.
75
00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:19,130
Why would you want to get involved?
76
00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:21,930
- Well, you have to do your bit.
- Do you, though, do you really?
77
00:03:21,980 --> 00:03:24,170
- Yeah, you do.
- Do you, though?
78
00:03:24,220 --> 00:03:26,580
- Yes. - I'm just
going to go over and...
79
00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:28,980
I'll just go over.
80
00:03:32,180 --> 00:03:33,810
Do you, though?
81
00:03:33,860 --> 00:03:35,290
Fundraiser!
82
00:03:36,340 --> 00:03:38,410
- Kevin!
- I'm so sorry.
83
00:03:38,460 --> 00:03:40,610
- You frightened Anne.
- I'm all right.
84
00:03:40,660 --> 00:03:42,370
- I'm so sorry, Anne.
- I'm fine now.
85
00:03:42,420 --> 00:03:44,850
I'm just saying, you know...
86
00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:46,690
Here we go.
87
00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:47,980
Let's do it.
88
00:03:49,060 --> 00:03:52,250
Let's do it for all the kids who
need this kind of specialised
89
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:55,810
- equipment in the music room.
- You're doing the cloakroom, right?
90
00:03:55,860 --> 00:03:56,890
- Yes.
- Great.
91
00:03:56,940 --> 00:04:00,060
- See you tomorrow.
- Yes, yes. See you tomorrow.
92
00:04:01,820 --> 00:04:03,810
Oh, dear. What happened?
93
00:04:03,860 --> 00:04:05,610
I don't...
94
00:04:05,660 --> 00:04:06,940
.. really know.
95
00:04:12,660 --> 00:04:16,010
- What's going on there?
- Charlie and Manus are best friends
96
00:04:16,060 --> 00:04:19,250
since Manus got a drone. So me and
Cersei Lannister are being civil
97
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,380
- for the children.
- Manus!
98
00:04:28,140 --> 00:04:29,890
That's weird.
99
00:04:29,940 --> 00:04:31,980
- What?
- Well, it's just whenever, um...
100
00:04:33,860 --> 00:04:36,810
No. Forget it. I'm being paranoid.
101
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:40,170
- Go on, what is it? Tell
me. Maybe I can... - Well...
102
00:04:40,220 --> 00:04:42,770
Caroline!
103
00:04:42,820 --> 00:04:44,250
Hello! Again.
104
00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:46,130
Hi. Not working today?
105
00:04:46,180 --> 00:04:48,610
Not today, Spoken Orchid are
pretty good with flexitime.
106
00:04:48,660 --> 00:04:50,570
Don't work Fridays, do
half day Wednesdays.
107
00:04:50,620 --> 00:04:52,970
Essentially means I've
got a three-day week.
108
00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:55,770
Oh, that's sick! That's brilliant.
109
00:04:55,820 --> 00:04:58,010
Yeah, it stops me running
around like a mental patient.
110
00:04:58,060 --> 00:04:59,690
God, yeah, I imagine it does.
111
00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:01,290
Have you heard about this fundraiser?
112
00:05:01,340 --> 00:05:02,570
Oh, God.
113
00:05:02,620 --> 00:05:03,890
No way...
114
00:05:03,940 --> 00:05:06,650
- I'm organising it.
- .. would I miss that,
115
00:05:06,700 --> 00:05:09,530
because I think we have to do our bit.
116
00:05:09,580 --> 00:05:12,330
As parents, we have to do our bit.
117
00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:14,330
- Got to. - Anything I
can do, just say the word.
118
00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:16,890
We're having a planning meeting,
if you'd like to come to that.
119
00:05:16,940 --> 00:05:18,770
You bet I would! Any time.
120
00:05:18,820 --> 00:05:20,490
Over there.
121
00:05:20,540 --> 00:05:22,130
Oh, it's happening now.
122
00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:24,540
Er, OK, yeah. I'll just
get my bits and bobs.
123
00:05:28,460 --> 00:05:30,140
She still hasn't said your name.
124
00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:36,410
Should... should Kevin come?
125
00:05:36,460 --> 00:05:38,420
Er...
126
00:05:42,540 --> 00:05:45,210
I'd like to take this opportunity
to be a little bit creative,
127
00:05:45,260 --> 00:05:49,170
and think a little bit
outside the box, as it were.
128
00:05:49,220 --> 00:05:53,370
Last year I was Nibbles
King, do you remember?
129
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:57,330
I had all the bags of crisps
and nuts pinned to me.
130
00:05:57,380 --> 00:05:59,020
That was fun, wasn't it?
131
00:06:00,340 --> 00:06:03,410
But I thought this year,
I'd go one better --
132
00:06:03,460 --> 00:06:05,220
human cloakroom.
133
00:06:06,860 --> 00:06:08,290
So everyone puts their coats on me,
134
00:06:08,340 --> 00:06:11,450
instead of hanging them
up in the cloakroom.
135
00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:14,010
I wear everyone's coats!
136
00:06:14,060 --> 00:06:17,770
What a sight! And then when
everyone's ready to go,
137
00:06:17,820 --> 00:06:20,060
the cloakroom comes to them.
138
00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:24,210
Let's say we charge �1 a coat.
139
00:06:24,260 --> 00:06:26,810
Why don't we just charge
�1 a coat in the cloakroom?
140
00:06:26,860 --> 00:06:28,300
Why?!
141
00:06:29,380 --> 00:06:31,010
My God, Amanda.
142
00:06:31,060 --> 00:06:33,170
Why are there rainbows?
143
00:06:33,220 --> 00:06:34,970
Why is there Ant and Dec?
144
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,330
Because it's fun.
145
00:06:36,380 --> 00:06:40,330
It's fun, goodness! Well,
I'm going to do it anyway,
146
00:06:40,380 --> 00:06:43,050
so set up a normal cloakroom if you want.
147
00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:45,290
But it's going to have stiff competition
148
00:06:45,340 --> 00:06:46,810
from the human cloakroom.
149
00:06:46,860 --> 00:06:50,180
Let the battle of the cloakrooms commence!
150
00:06:51,780 --> 00:06:54,570
Caroline, I just noticed
there's no tombola,
151
00:06:54,620 --> 00:06:56,250
and I usually do the tombola.
152
00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:59,130
Well, I just thought it didn't feel
like a tombola sets the right tone,
153
00:06:59,180 --> 00:07:01,690
- if that makes sense?
- Sure. Of course.
154
00:07:01,740 --> 00:07:04,410
I mean, sorry, Amanda,
I'm not blocking you.
155
00:07:04,460 --> 00:07:07,330
I just think we should be a bit
more ambitious for this one.
156
00:07:07,380 --> 00:07:10,810
This fundraiser is close
to my heart, as you know,
157
00:07:10,860 --> 00:07:13,700
with Rueben, and what the
music room means to him.
158
00:07:15,380 --> 00:07:18,890
- Rueben's mythraxic.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
159
00:07:18,940 --> 00:07:20,650
Oh, no, it means he's musically gifted.
160
00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:23,530
- Oh, how lovely. - Well, I'm more
than happy to melt into the background,
161
00:07:23,580 --> 00:07:25,850
Caroline. I don't know, maybe
162
00:07:25,900 --> 00:07:28,210
this year I could just... host it.
163
00:07:29,500 --> 00:07:31,090
Is Liz really doing the drinks?
164
00:07:31,140 --> 00:07:33,810
Because her measures are
demented. I mean, do you remember
165
00:07:33,860 --> 00:07:35,370
the last time she did them?
166
00:07:35,420 --> 00:07:37,250
No. I don't think anyone does.
167
00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:40,330
Ladies, ladies. Is everyone
listening? Everyone?
168
00:07:40,380 --> 00:07:43,330
We're talking about prizes now.
169
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:47,170
I really want to make sure we don't
get the same old cake sale crap
170
00:07:47,220 --> 00:07:50,570
this year. Can't we just
do something a bit fresher?
171
00:07:50,620 --> 00:07:52,410
Ooh! Ooh! Why don't we make it
172
00:07:52,460 --> 00:07:54,850
so that everyone gets a chance to host?
173
00:07:54,900 --> 00:07:56,290
That would be fun, wouldn't it?
174
00:07:56,340 --> 00:07:58,650
- We could all...
- We're doing prizes now, Kevin.
175
00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:01,020
Anyone have any ideas? About prizes?
176
00:08:05,460 --> 00:08:09,060
Just off the top of my
head, we could do a, uh...
177
00:08:10,660 --> 00:08:12,050
.. auction of promises.
178
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:16,690
Like, you get a gardener to promise
to trim your hedge, or something.
179
00:08:16,740 --> 00:08:20,210
- OK. - They do it a
lot at Hollywood events.
180
00:08:20,260 --> 00:08:22,010
Yeah, I love that.
181
00:08:22,060 --> 00:08:25,050
Like Richard Gere promises
to go on his yacht.
182
00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:27,370
Ricky Martin does...
183
00:08:27,420 --> 00:08:30,170
.. something. Uma Thurman
auctioned a kiss at Cannes,
184
00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:32,810
and she made 200,000 or something mad.
185
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,890
I love it. We're doing that.
186
00:08:35,940 --> 00:08:38,610
I agree. Let's do it.
187
00:08:38,660 --> 00:08:41,300
- I agree.
- Agreed!
188
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:45,410
There she is!
189
00:08:45,460 --> 00:08:47,020
My saviour!
190
00:08:48,140 --> 00:08:50,170
Auction of promises -- brilliant.
191
00:08:50,220 --> 00:08:53,340
Oh, please! It's great to
be able to contribute to...
192
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,290
- .. this cause.
- Listen.
193
00:08:56,340 --> 00:08:59,250
Between ourselves, Spoken Orchid are
looking for people at the moment.
194
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:01,690
Just in case you want to
pass along your resume.
195
00:09:01,740 --> 00:09:05,730
Great, I didn't even know that
you were looking for people.
196
00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:07,490
You're coming tonight, right?
197
00:09:07,540 --> 00:09:09,820
Am I? I mean, I can.
198
00:09:11,060 --> 00:09:12,770
I mean, I definitely am.
199
00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:16,130
I love to do events at the school.
200
00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:19,010
I love being at school, out of hours.
201
00:09:19,060 --> 00:09:21,370
What do you think of this?
We thought it would be fun
202
00:09:21,420 --> 00:09:24,610
to do a thermometer that showed
how much money was coming in.
203
00:09:24,660 --> 00:09:27,300
- That is such fun.
- Would you mind knocking one up?
204
00:09:28,580 --> 00:09:31,850
Love to. No problem. I've got
plenty of time for crafts.
205
00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:34,810
- You need to be able to see it from
the back of the hall. - OK! - OK.
206
00:09:34,860 --> 00:09:36,380
Bye.
207
00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:39,170
Still didn't say your name.
208
00:09:39,220 --> 00:09:40,730
Perfect chance there, and all.
209
00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:42,850
Liz, she as good as offered me a job.
210
00:09:42,900 --> 00:09:46,260
She just wants to see your CV
so she can find out your name.
211
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:49,370
Hey, hey.
212
00:09:49,420 --> 00:09:51,050
- On the roof.
- Ugh, I'm an idiot.
213
00:09:51,100 --> 00:09:53,330
I won't argue with that! Joking!
214
00:09:53,380 --> 00:09:54,940
It happens to the best of us.
215
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,460
- Did you see that?
- Huh?
216
00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:13,650
Caroline Lacy, yeah.
She's with Spoken Orchid.
217
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:16,730
Spoken Orchid. I mean, this could
be so useful for us, Paul --
218
00:10:16,780 --> 00:10:18,290
I mean, me especially.
219
00:10:18,340 --> 00:10:21,970
I mean, the flexitime
alone could change my life.
220
00:10:22,020 --> 00:10:24,010
I mean, if you could just
have them for an hour or so,
221
00:10:24,060 --> 00:10:27,130
- that would be great. What do you think?
- Julia, I can't.
222
00:10:27,180 --> 00:10:30,290
I think this thing's going to go
on for another couple of hours.
223
00:10:30,340 --> 00:10:31,810
Sorry, what is it again?
224
00:10:31,860 --> 00:10:35,410
It's just some team-building
bollocks, it never ends.
225
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:37,010
Baby, I'd better go.
226
00:10:37,060 --> 00:10:40,010
Good luck with the baby-sitter
-- whatever you want to do,
227
00:10:40,060 --> 00:10:41,460
I'm right behind you.
228
00:10:50,620 --> 00:10:52,370
- Will you be long?
- Not at all.
229
00:10:52,420 --> 00:10:53,930
It will be like I've barely left.
230
00:10:53,980 --> 00:10:56,850
Help yourself to beers,
the kids are asleep, so...
231
00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:58,850
I'm not much of a night owl.
232
00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:01,660
Oh, dear. What will keep you awake?
233
00:11:02,980 --> 00:11:05,770
Sherry? Literally, help
yourself to anything.
234
00:11:05,820 --> 00:11:07,410
I can't be up late.
235
00:11:07,460 --> 00:11:09,330
And you won't be, Barbara.
236
00:11:09,380 --> 00:11:12,250
You know, if you're feeling tired,
feel free to have a lie-down.
237
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:14,850
Oh, don't look so worried.
238
00:11:14,900 --> 00:11:17,740
My mother is dead old,
she did this for years.
239
00:11:19,180 --> 00:11:21,170
Do you like MasterChef?
240
00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:23,100
Let's get a bit of MasterChef on.
241
00:11:25,020 --> 00:11:27,780
There you go. Egg Wallace. Have fun.
242
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,420
Fantastic.
243
00:11:39,140 --> 00:11:42,260
Actually, if you could help me
pop that on, maybe. Brilliant.
244
00:11:45,820 --> 00:11:47,620
Tickets, tickets?
245
00:11:49,260 --> 00:11:51,610
I'll remember, it's fine. I'll remember.
246
00:11:51,660 --> 00:11:54,420
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- It's fun, isn't it?
247
00:12:09,380 --> 00:12:11,650
You all right? You look
very uncomfortable.
248
00:12:11,700 --> 00:12:13,690
Oh, no, having a great time.
249
00:12:13,740 --> 00:12:16,130
It's fun, isn't it? Isn't it fun?
250
00:12:16,180 --> 00:12:18,010
Everyone's responding really well to it.
251
00:12:18,060 --> 00:12:19,450
You look like you're melting.
252
00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:21,860
- Do you want some water?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
253
00:12:25,020 --> 00:12:27,090
I can't bend my arm.
254
00:12:29,460 --> 00:12:31,810
Someone's phone's ringing.
255
00:12:31,860 --> 00:12:34,460
- Don't touch anything, Anne.
- I was just looking.
256
00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:37,130
Oh, hey, go easy there now.
257
00:12:37,180 --> 00:12:38,530
Your measures are very large.
258
00:12:38,580 --> 00:12:40,210
They're not, they're normal.
259
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,010
Normal for a school fundraiser.
260
00:12:42,060 --> 00:12:44,250
Yeah, well, just don't get
high off your own supply
261
00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:45,610
and start acting the giddy goat.
262
00:12:45,660 --> 00:12:49,850
- Oh, shush. - Last time you did
the drinks, I woke up in the park.
263
00:12:49,900 --> 00:12:51,500
My husband was furious.
264
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,010
What is that anyway?
265
00:12:54,060 --> 00:12:56,650
- I don't know. Sangria?
- What is sangria? Red wine?
266
00:12:56,700 --> 00:12:59,890
Anything. Sangria's red wine and anything.
267
00:12:59,940 --> 00:13:03,100
In Spanish, sangria means "any old shit".
268
00:13:04,860 --> 00:13:06,770
Can I have some alcohol,
please? I don't care what.
269
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:09,330
- I've got just the thing.
- Look, I'm manning the thermometer now.
270
00:13:09,380 --> 00:13:11,130
I made it, and I'm working it all night.
271
00:13:11,180 --> 00:13:12,770
It's like building your own gallows.
272
00:13:12,820 --> 00:13:14,490
I want to be able to get straight home.
273
00:13:14,540 --> 00:13:17,740
I've got this sleepy-looking old
woman looking after the kids.
274
00:13:20,220 --> 00:13:23,300
God, I wish he hadn't
put my coat on first.
275
00:13:33,460 --> 00:13:35,770
Uh-oh! The drinks are out already.
276
00:13:35,820 --> 00:13:38,380
I'd better get a move on
before you're all legless!
277
00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:42,290
OK. Now.
278
00:13:42,340 --> 00:13:43,500
Can I get a "hey, girl"?
279
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:48,100
Hey, girl. No? OK...
280
00:13:49,660 --> 00:13:51,690
OK, welcome, everybody.
281
00:13:51,740 --> 00:13:53,660
Are we going to have fun?
282
00:13:54,740 --> 00:13:57,490
OK, well, the answer to that
question is, you bet we are.
283
00:13:57,540 --> 00:14:02,050
Now. We're going to do things a
little bit differently this year.
284
00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:06,540
We're doing an auction of promises.
285
00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:10,690
Oooh!
286
00:14:10,740 --> 00:14:14,290
Yeah, just pop your promise on a
piece of paper, anything you like,
287
00:14:14,340 --> 00:14:15,890
and stick it in the box.
288
00:14:15,940 --> 00:14:17,890
As you know, it's for a good cause.
289
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:20,850
We've been trying to get a
Yamaha keyboard for the music room
290
00:14:20,900 --> 00:14:23,010
for a few years.
291
00:14:23,060 --> 00:14:25,210
Now...
292
00:14:25,260 --> 00:14:28,090
I can see there's only two
promises in here so far
293
00:14:28,140 --> 00:14:31,460
so, come on, everybody,
let's get those promises in!
294
00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:33,820
OK. Thank you.
295
00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:36,970
Have you noticed how
Amanda hoses herself down
296
00:14:37,020 --> 00:14:39,850
- every time she interacts with
me and my kids? - Does she?
297
00:14:39,900 --> 00:14:42,770
I thought I was imagining
it at first, but, yeah.
298
00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:44,770
What are you eating?
Are those onion rings?
299
00:14:44,820 --> 00:14:47,260
- Where did you find those?
- Found them in the back.
300
00:14:48,420 --> 00:14:50,370
Oh, from 2002.
301
00:14:50,420 --> 00:14:52,050
They're 15 years old?!
302
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,650
It's fine. They are 90% E numbers.
303
00:14:53,700 --> 00:14:55,810
These crisps will outlive us.
304
00:14:55,860 --> 00:14:59,130
Go on, then. God, no wonder
Amanda thinks you're Dirty Jezzy.
305
00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:00,540
A dirty jezzy?
306
00:15:01,580 --> 00:15:03,610
Oh, my dad used to say it.
307
00:15:03,660 --> 00:15:06,250
Short for Jezebel. We were watching
Top Of The Pops and he'd say,
308
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:08,010
"Look at those dirty jezzies."
309
00:15:08,060 --> 00:15:09,970
Exactly, she thinks I'm a dirty jezzy.
310
00:15:10,020 --> 00:15:11,620
Oh, don't let it get to you.
311
00:15:12,860 --> 00:15:15,890
Look, if she was a REAL friend,
then it might mean something but...
312
00:15:15,940 --> 00:15:17,380
Coming, Caroline.
313
00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:40,850
Would you like a drink, Amanda?
314
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:42,370
I never drink when I'm performing.
315
00:15:42,420 --> 00:15:43,850
- Here you go.
- Great.
316
00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:46,800
Do you want to... You can just
pop them in the box yourself.
317
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:50,930
No, you only have to do one.
318
00:15:50,980 --> 00:15:54,020
- Oh, no. I'm doing Kevin
and Julia's for them. - OK.
319
00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:58,010
Don't worry. I barely touched them.
320
00:15:58,060 --> 00:15:59,100
Sorry?
321
00:16:00,900 --> 00:16:03,260
- Did you think I was funny?
- Yeah, funny!
322
00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:14,530
OK, everybody, I think
that's everyone now.
323
00:16:14,580 --> 00:16:16,450
Let's get this show on the road!
324
00:16:17,780 --> 00:16:19,260
Yay, thanks, Caroline!
325
00:16:21,020 --> 00:16:25,250
OK, and our first one is...
326
00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:27,090
Keith Carter.
327
00:16:27,140 --> 00:16:28,690
Where's Keith? There he is.
328
00:16:28,740 --> 00:16:32,690
Hello, Keith. And Keith says he'll do a...
329
00:16:32,740 --> 00:16:34,370
.. portrait of your pet.
330
00:16:34,420 --> 00:16:36,020
That sounds rather lovely.
331
00:16:37,380 --> 00:16:39,810
Um, shall we start the bidding at �10?
332
00:16:39,860 --> 00:16:43,290
Anyone? �10.
333
00:16:43,340 --> 00:16:47,220
Keith, if someone doesn't have a
pet, would you do a family member?
334
00:16:48,260 --> 00:16:49,730
Um, I can't do hands.
335
00:16:49,780 --> 00:16:50,770
OK.
336
00:16:50,820 --> 00:16:52,930
- �10.
- And we're off.
337
00:16:56,420 --> 00:16:57,890
There you are.
338
00:16:57,940 --> 00:17:00,010
I've had three people asking for you --
339
00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:02,490
could you please just hang
everything up in the cloakroom.
340
00:17:02,540 --> 00:17:04,690
Caroline, are you kidding?!
341
00:17:04,740 --> 00:17:08,850
I've had a brilliant response
to the human cloakroom from...
342
00:17:08,900 --> 00:17:10,740
.. Keith and...
343
00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:13,610
Keith just loved it.
344
00:17:13,660 --> 00:17:16,170
Now, if you'll excuse me.
345
00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:18,540
I need some water.
346
00:17:22,540 --> 00:17:26,260
Fantastic, Samantha! There
you go. Congratulations!
347
00:17:29,780 --> 00:17:32,530
Free haircuts for a week.
I wish I'd bid on that one.
348
00:17:32,580 --> 00:17:34,210
Free haircuts for a week?
349
00:17:34,260 --> 00:17:35,820
Isn't that just one haircut?
350
00:17:38,020 --> 00:17:44,050
Ah, this next one is... very exciting.
351
00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:45,530
Kevin Brady.
352
00:17:45,580 --> 00:17:46,620
Where's Kevin?
353
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:48,940
Kevin.
354
00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:53,410
Um, Kevin has offered a couple's massage.
355
00:17:53,460 --> 00:17:58,210
Would anyone like a couples
massage from Kevin Brady?
356
00:17:58,260 --> 00:18:00,730
I didn't put that in.
357
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:04,410
I'll do it if you want, but
I haven't got any training.
358
00:18:04,460 --> 00:18:07,290
I put it in. I put a few in.
359
00:18:07,340 --> 00:18:10,050
Kevin, I presume that you'll
come to someone's house,
360
00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:12,020
or do they have to come to you?
361
00:18:13,420 --> 00:18:16,570
OK. Well, we can work that out later.
362
00:18:16,620 --> 00:18:18,220
Shall we start the bidding at...
363
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:21,570
..�25?
364
00:18:21,620 --> 00:18:23,410
Anyone?
365
00:18:23,460 --> 00:18:25,210
�25?
366
00:18:25,260 --> 00:18:28,690
Come on, who's up for a
lovely couple's massage?
367
00:18:28,740 --> 00:18:30,570
With Kevin.
368
00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:32,730
Give me a drink.
369
00:18:32,780 --> 00:18:34,450
No-one's bidding on this shit.
370
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:36,810
No offence, Kevin, but come on.
371
00:18:36,860 --> 00:18:38,860
Well, I didn't write it, Liz did.
372
00:18:42,140 --> 00:18:43,770
You've been very generous so far.
373
00:18:43,820 --> 00:18:46,930
Christ, Anne! What is in that?!
374
00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:49,650
- Liz made it. - We can do this.
I'm watching this thermometer.
375
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:52,730
If someone bids on this,
you have to do it, Liz.
376
00:18:52,780 --> 00:18:55,010
I'm not giving a couple a massage.
377
00:18:55,060 --> 00:18:58,610
OK, well, no bids on that one yet.
378
00:18:58,660 --> 00:19:00,450
Maybe we'll come back for it later.
379
00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:03,370
But thank you anyway, Kevin.
380
00:19:03,420 --> 00:19:04,860
Ladies and gentlemen.
381
00:19:08,460 --> 00:19:10,930
I still haven't done my one yet.
382
00:19:10,980 --> 00:19:13,100
Um... Hmm...
383
00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:15,900
I know.
384
00:19:17,780 --> 00:19:18,900
OK.
385
00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:27,780
Just a little surprise for later.
386
00:19:29,020 --> 00:19:32,090
You saw me after I had the sports jacket?
387
00:19:32,140 --> 00:19:36,410
I think I had the blue
anorak on when I saw you.
388
00:19:36,460 --> 00:19:39,010
That's here. How could
I have got to this one,
389
00:19:39,060 --> 00:19:40,980
and not got to your one?
390
00:19:42,580 --> 00:19:45,050
Oh, wait. I had to take them all off
391
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:47,290
when I went to the toilet.
392
00:19:49,140 --> 00:19:50,860
Someone's... phone's ringing.
393
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:56,570
So that's �45 for a meal
for two at Alfresco's,
394
00:19:56,620 --> 00:19:58,690
courtesy of Giuseppe and Lorna!
395
00:19:58,740 --> 00:20:02,130
Thanks, L and G, and
congratulations, Nicky.
396
00:20:02,180 --> 00:20:04,020
Enjoy those dough balls.
397
00:20:05,780 --> 00:20:06,940
Uh-oh!
398
00:20:08,660 --> 00:20:10,010
This is my one.
399
00:20:10,060 --> 00:20:13,010
Um, I can't believe I did this.
400
00:20:13,060 --> 00:20:14,570
Anyway. Bit of fun.
401
00:20:14,620 --> 00:20:15,940
Um...
402
00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:21,180
I auction...
403
00:20:23,260 --> 00:20:24,340
.. a kiss.
404
00:20:25,700 --> 00:20:26,980
That's right.
405
00:20:28,540 --> 00:20:31,420
A kiss to the highest bidder.
406
00:20:33,660 --> 00:20:36,130
Shall we start the bidding at �50?
407
00:20:36,180 --> 00:20:39,980
Who wants a kiss for �50?
408
00:20:42,580 --> 00:20:45,420
Anyone? A kiss from a lady.
409
00:20:48,460 --> 00:20:50,010
Oh, come on, don't be shy.
410
00:20:50,060 --> 00:20:51,890
This is for charity.
411
00:20:51,940 --> 00:20:54,650
Anyone? Any bids?
412
00:20:54,700 --> 00:20:56,020
50 pence.
413
00:20:57,620 --> 00:21:02,570
Thanks, Liz. Any raise on 50 pence?
414
00:21:02,620 --> 00:21:03,730
Hmm?
415
00:21:03,780 --> 00:21:06,850
Come on, everyone. This is for
children, for the music block.
416
00:21:06,900 --> 00:21:08,570
We can get those keyboards.
417
00:21:08,620 --> 00:21:11,010
We're so close, come on.
418
00:21:11,060 --> 00:21:12,490
Anyone?
419
00:21:12,540 --> 00:21:14,610
- �1.
- No-one raised it.
420
00:21:14,660 --> 00:21:16,570
Oh, 50 pence still.
421
00:21:16,620 --> 00:21:20,090
50 pence still. Still 50 pence.
422
00:21:20,140 --> 00:21:22,820
Any raise over 50 pence?
423
00:21:24,020 --> 00:21:25,610
�1?
424
00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:27,690
Does anyone want to bid �1?
425
00:21:27,740 --> 00:21:29,370
- �1.
- No-one raised it!
426
00:21:29,420 --> 00:21:32,010
Oh, sorry. Sorry, that's it, isn't it?
427
00:21:32,060 --> 00:21:35,130
Have I won? No-one else is bidding on it.
428
00:21:35,180 --> 00:21:37,010
Who else? OK, well.
429
00:21:37,060 --> 00:21:40,290
I think that Liz is having a
little bit of fun with me right now,
430
00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:43,020
because I don't think that 50...
431
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,020
There's that phone again.
432
00:22:21,660 --> 00:22:24,170
Can somebody help me find it?
433
00:22:24,220 --> 00:22:25,610
Look, I really need to leave.
434
00:22:25,660 --> 00:22:29,650
Let's make a real push
to get our target up.
435
00:22:29,700 --> 00:22:33,380
We are so close, guys,
to getting this keyboard.
436
00:22:34,620 --> 00:22:39,250
I know how important music is
to our kids -- my son, Reuben,
437
00:22:39,300 --> 00:22:41,450
is very musically gifted.
438
00:22:41,500 --> 00:22:44,650
And he really found his voice
when he got his first euphonium.
439
00:22:44,700 --> 00:22:48,010
Which, for those of you who don't
know, is a dinky little tuba.
440
00:22:48,060 --> 00:22:53,330
So let's dig deep, and shell out.
441
00:22:53,380 --> 00:22:55,610
Can I... Can I grab that for a minute?
442
00:22:55,660 --> 00:23:00,530
Sorry. I just wanted to take this
opportunity to ask the parents,
443
00:23:00,580 --> 00:23:02,050
and everybody here,
444
00:23:02,100 --> 00:23:04,650
to give a massive round of applause
445
00:23:04,700 --> 00:23:07,410
to Miss Caroline Lacy, who has
446
00:23:07,460 --> 00:23:10,170
organised this whole bloody thing.
447
00:23:10,220 --> 00:23:11,580
Caroline Lacy.
448
00:23:15,660 --> 00:23:19,090
Thank you. So much.
449
00:23:19,140 --> 00:23:20,770
Shall I do the next promise?
450
00:23:20,820 --> 00:23:21,930
Yeah.
451
00:23:21,980 --> 00:23:27,290
Oh! This one is from Julia Johnston...
452
00:23:27,340 --> 00:23:28,620
Where's Julia?
453
00:23:29,860 --> 00:23:32,570
Um... I'm Julia.
454
00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:34,060
Julia.
455
00:23:35,460 --> 00:23:37,290
Of course.
456
00:23:37,340 --> 00:23:40,130
Oh, my goodness. This
is an interesting one!
457
00:23:40,180 --> 00:23:43,250
Maid for a week...
458
00:23:43,300 --> 00:23:46,890
You're going to be someone's
maid for a whole week?
459
00:23:46,940 --> 00:23:50,010
That's wonderful! Oh, my God!
460
00:23:50,060 --> 00:23:52,170
Julia, thank you.
461
00:23:52,220 --> 00:23:54,930
- What?
- That's so good of you.
462
00:23:54,980 --> 00:23:56,890
Sorry, I don't know what's happening now.
463
00:23:56,940 --> 00:24:00,050
I think this is a bit of a special
one, so shall we start it at �25?
464
00:24:00,100 --> 00:24:03,530
- �25. - �25! Already! - I don't
know what's happening now.
465
00:24:03,580 --> 00:24:05,010
Any advance on 25?
466
00:24:05,060 --> 00:24:09,730
- �30. - Anyone else like to
bid on Julia being your maid
467
00:24:09,780 --> 00:24:11,810
for a whole week?
468
00:24:11,860 --> 00:24:13,410
I presume that's weekdays, Julia?
469
00:24:13,460 --> 00:24:16,410
No, I can't be a maid for a week, I...
470
00:24:16,460 --> 00:24:17,450
Any more for any more?
471
00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:19,930
I can't do the thing that
I'm moving the arrow for.
472
00:24:19,980 --> 00:24:22,250
- �50.
- 50, thank you!
473
00:24:22,300 --> 00:24:24,410
That's wrong as an amount, because I...
474
00:24:24,460 --> 00:24:26,810
- I can't... - �100! - Thank you!
475
00:24:26,860 --> 00:24:28,500
- 200!
- Thank you!
476
00:24:29,820 --> 00:24:32,930
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
477
00:24:32,980 --> 00:24:36,780
we did it. We hit the target, we did it!
478
00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:43,210
We didn't do it, no. No,
no, no, no. We didn't do it.
479
00:24:43,260 --> 00:24:45,530
We didn't do it. I can't
be a maid for a week.
480
00:24:45,580 --> 00:24:48,530
I can't do this. I didn't write this.
481
00:24:48,580 --> 00:24:51,850
This isn't me. I didn't do this. I
didn't write this. Can I see that?
482
00:24:51,900 --> 00:24:53,330
Can I see that? Can I see it?
483
00:24:53,380 --> 00:24:55,810
Can I see it? Thank you.
This isn't my handwriting.
484
00:24:55,860 --> 00:24:57,730
Who wrote this? Liz?
485
00:24:57,780 --> 00:25:00,650
I'm so sorry. I can't commit to this.
486
00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:04,970
This is some kind of, someone's
idea of a very funny joke.
487
00:25:05,020 --> 00:25:11,420
I'm a working mother, and I can't
possibly be a maid for a week.
488
00:25:13,540 --> 00:25:16,770
Maybe I could do a Saturday. But I
definitely can't do this Saturday,
489
00:25:16,820 --> 00:25:20,530
because we have to go and see my
husband's family this Saturday.
490
00:25:20,580 --> 00:25:21,770
But I could check my iCal,
491
00:25:21,820 --> 00:25:24,250
there might be a Saturday
at the end of September.
492
00:25:24,300 --> 00:25:26,900
But that would have to be
a very, very light pencil.
493
00:25:28,260 --> 00:25:30,740
I'm so sorry. It's just
the practicalities of...
494
00:25:33,260 --> 00:25:36,050
I'll tell you what. Listen.
Why don't we just...
495
00:25:36,100 --> 00:25:39,530
Let's take it off the table, off the
table, off the table, off the table.
496
00:25:39,580 --> 00:25:41,330
Let's start again. Let's start again.
497
00:25:41,380 --> 00:25:43,090
Caroline, what's the next promise?
498
00:25:43,140 --> 00:25:45,050
Julia, please can I
have the microphone back?
499
00:25:45,100 --> 00:25:46,610
No. I'll bid on it.
500
00:25:46,660 --> 00:25:49,570
Whatever it is, I will bid on it,
let's have a little look in the box.
501
00:25:49,620 --> 00:25:52,010
And we have two nights
in a cottage in Margate.
502
00:25:52,060 --> 00:25:54,410
What do we need for the
total? We need �200.
503
00:25:54,460 --> 00:25:55,970
I'll pay 200!
504
00:25:56,020 --> 00:25:58,170
I'll pay �200!
505
00:25:58,220 --> 00:26:01,660
Boom! And we've done it!
506
00:26:02,860 --> 00:26:04,970
We've done it, everybody.
507
00:26:05,020 --> 00:26:07,180
Can I get a "whoop, whoop"!
508
00:26:08,380 --> 00:26:09,820
Whoop, whoop!
509
00:26:14,460 --> 00:26:16,450
We did it!
510
00:26:16,500 --> 00:26:18,370
Thank you, Julia.
511
00:26:18,420 --> 00:26:19,810
No problem.
512
00:26:19,860 --> 00:26:22,170
It's for a great cause.
513
00:26:22,220 --> 00:26:24,730
I can't believe I just spent
�200 on a shit hole in Margate.
514
00:26:24,780 --> 00:26:27,260
That's my summer home.
That was my promise.
515
00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:38,450
I've a message for the owner
of the teal Alice coat.
516
00:26:38,500 --> 00:26:42,500
Um, your phone went off numerous times.
517
00:26:43,940 --> 00:26:47,260
Apparently there's been
a flood in your bathroom.
518
00:26:48,860 --> 00:26:52,330
The people downstairs have
gone to a hotel for the night.
519
00:26:52,380 --> 00:26:56,010
Your children are safe,
the baby-sitter's safe.
520
00:26:56,060 --> 00:26:57,450
The fire brigade have been around,
521
00:26:57,500 --> 00:26:59,930
so there's nothing to worry about there.
522
00:26:59,980 --> 00:27:02,170
The cat is unaccounted for,
523
00:27:02,220 --> 00:27:05,370
but it's unlikely there is a sad ending.
524
00:27:05,420 --> 00:27:07,690
You know cats.
525
00:27:07,740 --> 00:27:12,010
But unfortunately, it doesn't sound
like the hallway rug is salvageable.
526
00:27:12,060 --> 00:27:16,540
So... So hit me up at the back of
the hall, if you want to call Jenny.
527
00:27:17,540 --> 00:27:21,380
Although she says there's not a
lot you can do about it now, so...
528
00:27:22,500 --> 00:27:24,100
.. so enjoy your evening.
529
00:27:27,180 --> 00:27:28,490
Um...
530
00:27:28,540 --> 00:27:31,860
Although the evening is, of course, over.
531
00:27:31,910 --> 00:27:36,460
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