All language subtitles for Motherland s01e01.eng

He's forgotten his trunks?

Wha-Wha-What time is swimming? Actually, I
don't even know why I'm asking you that.

I'm at work. I can't get away.
Can he swim in his pants?

Sorry, can I just ask you, did
you try calling my husband?

No, you just called me, OK. No,
just wanted to know, that's all.

OK, well, I think we both know that
he is going to be missing swimming.

Yes. Och, yeah, yeah!

It is a terrible, awful, terrible shame.

It's a tragedy.

OK. All right.

Take care. God bless you, bye-bye.

Is that a work phone?

Yes.

Look, Julia. I get it, it's hard.

People say women can have it all.

But that's easy to say.

And the point is, if you're
hosting a dinner for 250 opticians

at the ExCel Centre, it probably
means you're missing bath time.

You constantly feel like
you're letting someone down.

I get it.

That is it exactly.

That is it. That's it.

I've got kids myself.

And I come from a family of
very strong, strong women.

So I really do understand.

So just sort it out.

Yeah.

Huh?

What's with all the cleaning stuff?

Oh! It's date night tonight.

- How much jizzing are you
planning to do? - Oh, yeah!

No, I just want to get
the whole house spotless

so Jill isn't distracted
by any of that stuff.

And she can't forget
like she did last time,

because I've put it in her iCal.

I didn't have you down
as a sexual person, Kevin.

Oh, yeah. Very much so.

Absolutely. It's important,
isn't it, when you've had kids,

to make time for each other?

Physically.

I thought we could do it
in the shower tonight.

She used to love that in the '90s.

I just have to give it a good scrub first.

- Do you do wine here?
- We do an Elderflower presse.

No, you've completely misunderstood me.

Do I look like I've been crying?
I got a bit emotional at work.

- What happened? - I just had a
full-on talking-to from my boss.

Is that good or...?

- Sorry, is that bad?
- It's bad. It's shit.

I am hanging on by a thread here.
I really need some childcare,

I don't have time to find any
childcare. I just need some time.

You should do what Amanda does.

Monday, her kids go to her
mother-in-law after school.

Tuesday, she does a nanny share
with a family from their street.

Wednesday, she does a half day.

Thursday, it's either
the nanny share or her,

or the mother of the other family --

they take it in turns -- which
just leaves one Thursday a month,

which they rotate. And Fridays,

every fourth weekend, her mum
comes over from Portugal.

So that's covered. And the other
Fridays, Johnny works from home

or Amanda takes the day off.

And I believe she catches up with
everything else on the Saturday.

OK.

I'll just do that, then.

Do you mind if we take this table?

There's a smaller table free over
there, and there's a lot of us

- and only one of you. - It's just,
this table's right next to the socket.

What, a plug? There's a plug down there?

I should have brought my ironing,

really make the most of that fucking
plug. Come on, mate, move it.

Are you free on Saturday?
It's Ivy's birthday.

That'll be lovely. What are you doing?

Oh, nothing special. Just a
few friends at Pizza Express.

She's only 9 -- it's not her 40th.

You're missing a trick there.

Oh, I was just reading
about Amanda's kids.

Do you think she's still pissed off
about having to make us an omelette

- that time?
- She won't be in a minute. Hang on.

All right? Just grabbing the milk.

God, you look thin!

- You been ill or something?
- No.

No, I haven't.

Really? That's mad! Yeah,
you look dangerously thin.

Oh, thank you!

You're welcome.

What did you mean when you
said I was missing a trick?

If you've got childcare issues,
you should throw a big party.

- What? Why?
- You invite 30 kids,

you get 30 invites back.

That's free childcare.

I'm having a lovely afternoon
without my son right now.

How does that even work?

Parents have to stay, don't they?

No, it's drop-offs.

You gift them a drop-off
party, then it's quid pro quo --

they let you drop-off in return.

Liz, I haven't got time to
organise a massive party.

What time?! You buy four
caterpillar cakes from Asda,

put them together in one
long human-centipede type

Caterpillar cake, then just
let the kids help themselves.

Don't even bother with a knife.

Just let them dig their
creepy little fingers in.

Then tell them you've hidden
a quid somewhere and relax.

Then, for the big finale,
play Gangnam Style

and give them undiluted squash.

They'll go fucking mental.

It's all over by 4pm, done.

We hired a ceramic cafe,

so same principle, but everyone
goes home with an ashtray.

Yeah, well, I think that
sounds absolutely hideous.

So I'll stick to Pizza Express.

Hey! Hey-ah, hey, hey-oh.

I'm having a little birthday
thing for Ivy on Saturday.

Pizza Express, if you... Oh, Pizza
Express, that's a good idea.

So much easier than going
to the trouble of organising

a real proper party. And you're not really

a kids' party person, are you, Julia?

Yeah... I kids party!

I kids party, real hard.

If you'd let me finish my sentence!

I was going to say that
Pizza Express is great

if you like that kind of thing,

but what I've been planning for
quite some time now is a massive

fuck-off party on Saturday at mine.

What's the theme?

Tarts and vicars.

I'm joking, Anne, that's a joke.

There's no, um, there's no theme.

It's a BYO theme.

Fine, pirate robots.

So, I'm having a party. It's fine.
I organise events for a living,

so that will be absolutely fine.

Can you help me, please?

Nope.

Hello, Julia!

Hello, Mother. Who's this?

This is my friend, Sylvie.

Never heard of her.

Where are the kids?

Well, YOUR kid is here.

Standing in front of you wondering
why I'm struggling to cope,

while you're bumming around
eating smoked-salmon quiche

without a bloody care in the world.

Sorry about this, Sylvie.

So, I came in to invite you to Ivy's
birthday party, it's on Saturday.

Oh, thanks, I'd like that.

- What time? - Well, it starts at
two, but if you could get there for,

I don't know, ten?

- What? - I know what
you're trying to do, Julia,

and the answer is no.

I'm not trying to do anything,
Mother. What am I trying to do?

You want me to help with the party.

- No, I don't. - Well, why
do I need to be there at ten?

Need?!

I don't NEED anything, mother,
please don't try and twist this.

What I want, actually,
to be perfectly honest,

what I want is my children's
grandmother to want to be there,

at ten, and to maybe bring
some balloons or something.

No, Julia.

OK. How about this -- just one last job,

and then you're free, you're out,

how about that? Just one last job.

Just for old time's sake.

I'll see you at two.

Unbelievable.

- Sylvie, would you like to come?
- Well, I...

You have to be there at ten.

- Delivery. - Give my hat back
now! - Cake. Icing. Candles.

Squash. Music.

Games. Balloons.

OK. Hey, gang, it's Big
Balloon Barry here.

I'm going to teach you how to
blow up one of these bad boys.

What you want to do, give
it a little stretch out.

- Work from the diaphragm... - Ssh!
- .. really get the control... - Ssh!

Really focus the breathing.

Get a good seal with your lips.

It's very important.

OK, so, here we go.

This is fun, isn't it?

This is going to be good, I think.

Can you stop doing that?

Right. Let's have a little checkity check.

Yeah. It's still a Minion, isn't it?

Where is the delivery guy?

The delivery guy...

He's not... here.

Crisps, Twix, hummus and breadsticks,

tzatziki, wine, carrot batons
-- none of that stuff is here.

Yes, of course I confirmed the order.

Oh, God, I'm doing it now.

I've just done it. Where is it?

What? That's terrible!

- What, they didn't turn up at all.
- No, no, they didn't, Paul, look,

is there anyway you could
just miss this one match,

and just get me some supplies, could you?

Well, I've got a seat in a box. It
was my Christmas present from Dan.

OK, OK. Don't worry about it.

I've got a tub of cottage cheese
and half a mackerel in the fridge.

It's a good job that I
invited our Lord Jesus Christ,

because I really think
this is going to work out.

Don't be like that.

I didn't ask for an early kick-off.

Blame bloody Sky, or BT Sport or whatever.

That's the problem with football.

So much contempt for the fans.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT NOW!

Can you help me or not?

Look, I can't be in two
places at once, can I?

I'll be there tomorrow
for her actual birthday.

Look, I know it all seems
a bit of a mess right now,

but it's just a case of learning
how to juggle everything.

And if you drop something, I will
always be there to pick it up.

And toss it back to you so
you can just keep on juggling.

OK?

Julia?

Julia?

This is a bag of choking
hazards for the party bags.

And give them out at the end
-- that's a sign everyone

- has to piss off.
- God, thanks, Liz, how much to owe you?

�1. God bless Poundland.

No, I mean for everything.

Oh, right.

Er, �5.

God bless Poundland.

Right, there's four
caterpillar cakes in there.

No, I've made a Minion cake!
You wouldn't know it's a Minion,

but I really think it will pass as a cake.

It looks like an angry sweetcorn.

- How long have we got?
- Half an hour.

Are you having the party in there?

- Yes.
- Give me a pound coin.

Write a sign that says, "Find the pound."

- What about that room?
- No, no, that is out of bounds.

Write a sign that says, "Wet paint."

That's brilliant, Liz!

Oh, that will be Kevin, I called him too.

- Come in.
- Let's get this party started!

What's that? Is that for the party?

This? It's a bag of carrots, Julia.

- What are they for?
- You'll see.

I'm going to need a small table,
a long-stemmed glass, a napkin.

- Hiya.
- Hi, Liz. What would be great

is if you had some white gloves
and a circular metal ring.

Kevin, I've booked an entertainer.

Oh, you've booked an entertainer?

Well, I thought I could...

It would be great, though, if you
could help out with the sandwiches

and the, um, cleaning up.

Who have you booked?

I booked, um, the only person
I could get at short notice.

- Um, Animal Man.
- Animal Man?!

- Oh, Julia.
- What's wrong with Animal Man?

He's...

racist.

- And he's...
- (.. unimaginative.)

What, he's an unimaginative racist?

Did you not read the Google reviews?

No, Kevin, I did not
read the Google reviews.

Well, look, don't worry. I've got this.

- I'm not worried. - You shouldn't
be. Cos I've got this, Julia.

God, this looks bloody great!

I think we've pulled this off, mate.

Um... Ivy's just been sick.

What do you mean, sick?

Uh, she vomited on me.

And then she vomited again.

On me.

- What do you mean?
- Um...

I don't know how else to say it.

How are you feeling, Ivy?

Ivy?

Too much icing?

I don't think that's icing.

There's a bug going around.

We all had it last week.

I got caught short at
the chemist on Tuesday.

Had to throw my leggings away.

Do you want me to cancel, Ivy?

Do you want me to cancel?

Because you're feeling ill?

That's not a no.

- What do you want to do?
- Oh, God.

It's too late to cancel, isn't it?

It's too late, isn't it?
Is it too late to cancel?

Have we caught you at a bad time?

No. You've caught me at a great time.

- Where's the birthday girl?
- She's...

Do you have any parking permits, Julia?

Oh, God, parking permits.

No, it's a drop-off. It's just a drop-off.

It's all right. I'll just keep
an eye open for traffic wardens.

- No, it's a drop-off! Why
are you all coming in? - Hi!

No, it's a drop-off. It's just a drop-off.

What are they doing? It's a drop-off!

Why are the mums all coming in?

Yeah, looks like they're lingering.

Yeah, I think they're going to stay.

You said that they were free to go,
that was the whole point of this.

- Did you put "drop-off" on the invites?
- No, no, I just... No.

Well, then, it's Russian roulette.
I guess you're buggered,

cos this is the first time

they've had permission
to come inside your house.

So, basically, they're
here to judge your house.

Please tell me you put
a leaving time down.

No, that's enough. Thank you.

I had to bring up a bowl for Ivy.

Shit, Ivy licked that cake!
She licked the cake, Liz!

No-one can eat the cake, Liz!

- Just give them the caterpillar cakes.
- OK. Yeah. Great.

- Where is Ivy?
- Ivy?

Oh, Ivy, she's... She
got a bit overexcited,

so I put her on time-out in her room.

I actually like these walls,
Julia -- what colour are they?

What colour are they? They're
the colour that you see.

- That colour. - I was thinking about
doing a bit of turn for the kids

before Animal Man gets
here. If he gets here.

I mean, I've not read one Google
review that said he wasn't late.

Yes! By all means! I'm just a bit...

Yes!

Ssh! Ssh! Ssh!

So, what have we all got?

- Carrots!
- Carrot. A boring old carrot.

Well, maybe not as boring as
you thought, when you realise

you can turn a carrot...

.. into a recorder!

Are we ready to make a recorder?

Oh, Julia, Julia, I'm going to
need a few very sharp knives.

No, Kevin, I'm not handing
out sharp knives to children.

Oh, yeah, that might be dangerous.

Um... What am I going to do?

I can't do them all myself
-- this one took hours.

OK, I know. I know. Um...

Let's play Guess That Tune!

Who knows this one?

Look who's here!

Who wants to see what's in the box?!

- Me!
- Come on!

Is it No Limits?

She thinks, because it's cranberry
glass, it'll go for 20 quid.

But she'll get seven for
it, tops -- mark my words.

I've seen this episode already.

- How is she? - Just had
another little mini vom earlier.

Well, she hasn't got a
temperature, so that's good.

Look, you don't have to sit
up here, I can take over.

I'm having a nice time.
Ivy's having a nice time.

This is my kind of party.

Plus, I owe the animal bloke 50 quid.

I booked him for a party,
then didn't pay him.

Because he was racist?

No, because he was rubbish.
God, if I didn't pay people

because they were racist, I
wouldn't have a satellite dish.

Or catering at my wedding.

Can you take this?

I poured it down the loo, but
it could do with a bleach.

Tag team.

I just thought Ivy might want
a peep on my carrot flute.

Please don't say that to
any other children, Kevin.

How was date night?

Disappointing.

Didn't get to use your mop?

Liz!

No, it's just, you know, I'd made dinner,

got the house all nice and
clean, chromed the shower,

and I'd just popped up to give
the bedroom carpet a quick vac,

and she walks in.

I'm not sure I want to
hear this story, but go on.

Well, no, that's the end of the story.

She just said hello,
locked the bathroom door,

had a shower by herself.

Maybe it's the pressure of date night.

Maybe I just need to...

.. loosen up a bit, be
a bit more spontaneous.

You know what, I'm going to take
sex night out of the calendar.

I put it in there as a
repeat event, but...

Oh, she's already deleted it.

How's everything on the road, Anne?

All clear so far.

Has everyone had a special squash?

How long do you think --
no pressure, just how long?

It takes as long as it takes.

- Perfect.
- Where is Ivy?

- Ivy?
- Where is she?!

She's, um... She's getting ready
in her room, costume change.

What are they like?!

Nine going on Brandi Glanville.

- I don't know who that is.
- You do, yeah, you do,

you know who Brandi Glanville
is, from Real Housewives.

You know Brandi Glanville!

She's friends with Lisa Vanderpump.

- Not friends, I mean...
- I don't watch Real Housewives.

No, no. No, me neither.

Kevin, could you put some
crisps out or something?

- Unbelievable. - Sorry I'm late.
- Four and a half hours' late.

Half an hour late.

Ah, well, well, look who it is.

You've got some cheek.

- Where's Ivy?
- Yes, where's Ivy?!

Two days ago, it was "who's Ivy?"

No, it wasn't, Julia.

If you could just put your
present in the pile, please.

Mother? Mother?

Hello, hello!

Marion! Aw!

Kevin, did you clean that?

- No.
- What's the matter with you?

That is the bowl that Ivy was sick in.

Do you need a hand, Julia?

Just to make the party a bit better.

No! No, it's fine.

No, this is exactly how
it's supposed to be.

God, did you get those from the...?

What?

Nothing.

OK. Animal time!

Hey! Hurray!

OK, right. So I'm going to
need a volunteer for later.

Who wants to volunteer?

Anyone?

You. Come on up.

Just stand there. Don't touch anything.

OK, right. We've got lots of
wonderful animals to meet.

But first, we need to
sing the animal song.

So...

Animal, animal, animal...

Animal, animal, animal...

Sing along. Animal, animal, animal...

A bit louder, come on.
Animal, animal, yep.

OK, does the birthday girl want to
come up and open the first crate?

Ah! In the royal box.

Right then, what's in the crate?

- Any guesses?
- A dog.

- No, it's not a dog.
- A hamster.

An elephant? You need a licence for that.

- A hippo. - It's not a
hippo, look at the size of it.

OK, you're not getting it.
I'm going to give you a clue.

What makes this sound...

Meow!

A cat!

That's right.

There we go. Oh, there we are.

Look.

Oh. That one's gone.

That happens.

Right, OK. So what's in the next crate?

Surprise us.

- Pardon?
- Nothing.

Hi.

OK. So, any guesses on this one?

- A dog!
- Tiger!

Here's the clue -- the clue
is what makes this sound...?

Sss-sssss!

- Snake.
- A snake!

Nay, it is...

a...

Siamese cat!

Yay!

Oh, my God. It's not even Siamese.

Ha-wo.

And it goes like this... "Look at me!"

Through it goes! Yes!
Big round of applause.

OK. What's in this crate?

It is, come on out! Surprise, everybody.

It's a cat!

Oh, it's a cat.

Woohoo!

It's a whole cat.

Oh, a nice British one.

Is it just cats?

- I need a top-up.
- "Half hour show was promised --

"run out of steam at the 13-minute point.

"This is a very cat-heavy show.

"Not unfun."

OK, if you say so.

"But if you don't like cats,
perhaps give it a swerve."

Kev, forget about him.

Just getting a wine for Sylvie.

Yeah, sure, as long as Sylvie's OK.

Well, you invited her, Julia.

Shit!

Because I felt sorry for her,
being friends with bloody you.

If there's anything I
can do to help, do say.

Is there anything you can do to help?
Is there anything you can do to help?!

Mother, I haven't got time
to give you instructions.

You need to use your
initiative. Just do it.

Did your wife see you
cleaning the other night, Kev?

What? Er, yeah.

Right.

I think I've worked out why
she won't have sex with you.

There's only one sausage
roll left out there.

Anne, the window.

God, yeah, sorry.

I feel like there's
something wrong, Julia.

Everyone is picking up on it.

Has your husband left you?

Is that why Ivy's upstairs,

she won't come down, because
she is too devastated?

No, he's just at the football.

Julia, I'm trying to help you.

I'm just trying to understand
what is going on here.

I'm just trying to make a
two-foot caterpillar cake.

Please, please stop trying to
be something that you're not.

If nothing else,

it's just horrible to watch.

It's cake time!

Mother, what are you doing?

Using my initiative.

Got a new camera.

- Nice! - Yeah, I used to
take photos on my phone,

but then the battery overheated
and melted the memory card.

- Oh, no. - Yeah, I had
photos going right back

to when my Darius was born.

I even had one of my
grandfather holding Darius,

literally seconds before we
switched off his life-support.

- Where's Ivy?
- Where's Ivy?!

Where is Ivy? For God's sake, Mother!

Where is she?

She's there.

? Happy birthday to you

? Happy birthday to you

? Happy birthday, dear... Ivy... ?

Right, I'm going to cut this in
the kitchen, the way people do.

Er, it wasn't as moist as I'd hoped.

- Right. All packed up, then.
- Great.

So, is that everything, or what?

It's just that I normally
get a bit of a thank-you.

Thank you.

No, I meant a tip.

Oh, well, if I'm honest, you were late,

and if I'm also honest, you
were quite unimaginative.

Well, I think the kids really
enjoyed all the animals.

Sorry, what was that?

I said...

Sorry, have you got something to say?

Cos I heard all your sarky
comments during the show.

Show?!

All right, mate. I don't
know what your issue is.

- But I... - I'm not going to get
into it here in front of children

- and mothers, mate.
- OK, fine, let's take it outside, then.

Fine, front or back.

What?

Front door or back door,
because it would be stupid

if I went to the garden and
you went to the street.

The front, then, cos that
is where my van is parked.

Leave it, Kevin, he's not worth it.

It's all right, love, I've got thi...

I know you. You owe me money.

- No, I don't. - You do. - I didn't
pay you because your act is terrible.

And you're racist.

If your act was amazing, I'd put
up with a tiny bit of racism.

But your act is shit.

It's just cats, mate.

Don't call yourself Animal
Man if you just have cats.

Call yourself Cat Man.

Bloody Cat Man Do, there you
go -- that's a great name.

You can have that. That's
got to be worth 50 quid.

Look, I will pay you what she
owes you. Can you just leave?

No, I'm dealing with this.

You go upstairs and
look after your sick kid.

Ivy's sick?

Julia, why didn't you cancel the party?

Well, why didn't you just not come?

Anyway. It was supposed to
be a drop-off, so, you know,

quid pro quo.

Kevin, if you could just hand
out the party bags, thank you.

Thanks for clearing up, Mum.

- That's all right.
- I feel terrible.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Kids get sick. Mothers make mistakes.

Come here.

Can you babysit next week?

No.

Unbelievable!

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