Original subtitles

( laughter, applause )

HMM...

HMM...

( moaning softly )

( audience laughter )

( slurping )

( laughter )

IT'S...

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing )

[Captioning sponsored by THE U. S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]

( music ends with a whoosh )

( laughter )

SPEAKING AS A PUBLIC OPINION POLL

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THE PERMISSIVE SOCIETY.

I HAVEN'T HAD ENOUGH OF THE PERMISSIVE SOCIETY.

( laughter )

I WOULD NOT APPEAR IN A FRONTAL NUDE SCENE UNLESS IT WAS VALID.

Announcer: IN 1943, A GROUP OF BRITISH ARMY OFFICERS

WORKING DEEP BEHIND ENEMY LINES

CARRIED OUT ONE OF THE MOST DANGEROUS AND HEROIC RAIDS

IN THE HISTORY OF WARFARE.

BUT THAT'S AS MAY BE.

AND NOW...

( knock at door )

COME IN.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I'D LIKE TO LEAVE THE ARMY, PLEASE, SIR.

GOOD HEAVENS, MAN, WHY?

IT'S DANGEROUS.

WHAT?

THERE ARE PEOPLE WITH GUNS

OUT THERE, SIR.

WHAT?

REAL GUNS, SIR, NOT TOY ONES, SIR.

PROPER ONES, SIR.

THEY'VE ALL GOT 'EM, ALL OF 'EM, SIR.

AND SOME OF 'EM

HAVE GOT TANKS.

WATKINS, THEY ARE ON OUR SIDE.

AND GRENADES, SIR, AND MACHINE GUNS, SIR.

SO I'D LIKE TO LEAVE, SIR, BEFORE I GET KILLED, PLEASE.

( laughter )

WATKINS, YOU'VE ONLY BEEN IN THE ARMY A DAY.

I KNOW, SIR, BUT PEOPLE GET KILLED, PROPERLY DEAD, SIR

NO BARLEY, CROSS FINGERS, SIR.

( laughter )

A BLOKE WAS TELLING ME

IF YOU'RE IN THE ARMY AND THERE'S A WAR

YOU HAVE TO GO AND FIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE.

WELL, I MEAN... BLIMEY

I MEAN, IF IT WAS A BIG WAR

SOMEBODY COULD BE HURT.

WATKINS, WHY DID YOU JOIN THE ARMY?

FOR THE WATER-SKIING AND FOR THE TRAVEL, SIR.

( laughter )

AND NOT FOR THE KILLING, SIR.

I ASKED THEM TO PUT IT

ON MY FORM, SIR-- "NO KILLING."

WATKINS, ARE YOU A PACIFIST?

NO, SIR, I'M NOT A PACIFIST, SIR, I'M A COWARD.

( laughter )

THAT'S A VERY SILLY LINE.

SIT DOWN.

YES, SIR, IT'S SILLY, SIR.

AWFULLY BAD.

( shouting ): TWO CIVILIAN GENTLEMEN TO SEE YOU, SIR!

SHOW THEM IN, PLEASE, SERGEANT.

MR. DINO VERCOTTI AND MR. LUIGI VERCOTTI!

GOOD MORNING, COLONEL.

GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.

NOW, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

YOU'VE, UH...

YOU'VE GOT A NICE

ARMY BASE HERE, COLONEL.

YES.

WE WOULDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO IT.

( laughter )

WHAT?

OH, NO, WHAT MY BROTHER MEANS

IS IT WOULD BE A SHAME IF, UH...

OH, SORRY, COLONEL.

WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, BUT PLEASE DO SIT DOWN.

NO, WE PREFER TO STAND, THANK YOU, COLONEL.

ALL RIGHT, BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT?

OH, WHAT DO WE WANT?

( both shamming laughter )

VERY GOOD, COLONEL.

ALWAYS THE JOKER, LUIGI.

EXPLAIN IT TO THE COLONEL, DINO.

HOW MANY TANKS YOU GOT, COLONEL?

ABOUT 500 ALTOGETHER.

500, EH?

YOU OUGHT TO BE CAREFUL, COLONEL.

WE ARE CAREFUL, EXTREMELY CAREFUL.

'CAUSE THINGS BREAK, DON'T THEY?

BREAK?

WELL, EVERYTHING BREAKS, DON'T IT, COLONEL?

OH, DEAR.

OH, SEE, MY BROTHER'S CLUMSY, COLONEL

AND WHEN HE GETS UNHAPPY HE BREAKS THINGS.

LIKE, SAY HE DON'T FEEL

THE ARMY'S PLAYING FAIR BY HIM

HE MAY START BREAKING THINGS, COLONEL.

WHAT IS ALL THIS ABOUT?

HOW MANY MEN YOU GOT HERE, COLONEL?

OH, UH... 7,000 INFANTRY, 600 ARTILLERY

AND, UH... TWO DIVISIONS OF PARATROOPS.

PARATROOPS, DINO.

IT'D BE A SHAME

IF SOMEONE WAS TO SET FIRE TO THEM.

SET FIRE TO THEM?

FIRES HAPPEN, COLONEL.

THINGS BURN.

LOOK, WHAT IS ALL THIS ABOUT?

MY BROTHER AND I HAVE GOT

A LITTLE PROPOSITION FOR YOU, COLONEL.

COULD SAVE YOU A LOT OF BOTHER.

YOU'RE DOING ALL RIGHT HERE

AREN'T YOU, COLONEL?

WELL, SUPPOSE

SOME OF YOUR TANKS WAS TO GET BROKEN

OR TROOPS STARTED GETTING LOST, UH...

FIGHTS STARTED BREAKING OUT

DURING GENERAL INSPECTION, LIKE?

IT WOULDN'T BE GOOD FOR BUSINESS

WOULD IT, COLONEL?

ARE YOU THREATENING ME?

Both: OH, NO, NO, NO.

WHATEVER MADE YOU THINK THAT, COLONEL?

THE COLONEL DOESN'T THINK

WE'RE NICE PEOPLE, LUIGI.

WE'RE YOUR BUDDIES, COLONEL.

WE WANT TO LOOK AFTER YOU.

LOOK AFTER ME?

WE CAN GUARANTEE YOU

THAT NOT A SINGLE ARMORED DIVISION

WILL GET DONE OVER...

FOR 15 BOB A WEEK.

NO, NO... 12 AND SIX?

NO, NO... EIGHT AND SIX?

NO, NO... FIVE BOB?

NO, NO, THIS IS SILLY.

WHAT'S SILLY?

NO, THE WHOLE PREMISE IS SILLY

AND IT'S VERY BADLY WRITTEN.

I'M THE SENIOR OFFICER HERE

AND I HAVEN'T HAD A FUNNY LINE YET

SO I'M STOPPING IT.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

I'VE DONE IT. THE SKETCH IS OVER.

I WANT TO LEAVE THE ARMY

PLEASE, SIR, IT'S DANGEROUS.

LOOK, I STOPPED YOUR SKETCH

FIVE MINUTES AGO, SO GET OUT OF SHOT.

RIGHT, DIRECTOR!

CLOSE UP.

ZOOM IN ON ME.

( laughter )

THAT'S BETTER.

IT'S ONLY 'CAUSE YOU COULDN'T THINK OF A PUNCH LINE.

NOT TRUE, NOT TRUE.

IT'S TIME FOR THE CARTOON.

CUE TELECINE-- TEN, NINE, EIGHT...

OUR GENERAL PUBLIC'S NOT GOING TO UNDERSTAND THIS, ARE THEY?

SHUT UP, YOU EYETIES!

( humming vaguely )

( continues humming )

( chuckling lewdly )

( audience laughter )

OLd man: OOH, WHAT THE DEVIL'S GOING ON HERE?

HEY! HEY, WHAT'S GOING...

WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

HEY, OH, HEY, STOP THAT!

( grumbling )

( drum roll playing )

WELL, LADIES AND GENTS

HERE IT IS, THE SHOW YOU'VE BEEN WANKING FOR

THE SHOW YOU'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT.

THIS IS THE SHOW THAT GIVES YOU WHAT YOU WANT

THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.

SO MOVE RIGHT UP FRONT FOR "FULL FRONTAL NUDITY."

( lone clapping )

( horn fanfare playing )

( "The Most Beautiful Girl in the World"playing )

EXCUSE ME...

OLd man: WILL YOU SIT DOWN!

I'M SORRY.

( slurping )

( audience laughter )

A COLD ICE CREAM, SWEETIE?

SIT DOWN!

( tone chimes )

Man ( overpublic address ): THE OWNER OF THE VEHICLE WITH THIS LICENSE REGISTRATION

WILL PLEASE MOVE IT; IT'S CAUSING AN OBSTRUCTION.

( train whistle blowing )

( music continues )

( tires screech, loud crash )

( drum roll playing )

WASN'T THAT JUST GREAT, LADIES AND GERMS?

ADMITTEDLY, A FEW PROBLEMS, A FEW DISAPPOINTMENTS...

SHUT UP, YOU PANSY.

I PAID FOR FULL FRONTAL NUDITY

AND I'M GOING TO GET SOME.

TA TA, SAILOR.

( crash )

FULL FRONTAL NUDITY? NEVER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, BARBARA?

OH, NO, NO, NO...

UNLESS IT WAS ARTISTICALLY VALID, OF COURSE.

FULL FRONTAL NUDITY?

YES, I'D DO IT, IF IT WAS VALID.

OR IF THE MONEY WAS VALID, AND IF IT WERE A SMALL PART.

( laughter )

( clearing throat )

GOOD EVENING.

( continues clearing throat )

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU TONIGHT

ABOUT THE PLACE OF THE NUDE IN MY BED...

UM...

( laughter )

IN THE HISTORY OF MY BED...

OF ART... ART-- I'M SORRY.

THE PLACE OF THE NUDE IN THE HISTORY OF TART...

CALL-GIRL-- I'M SORRY.

( laughter )

I'LL START AGAIN.

( clears throat )

BUM-- OH, WHAT A GIVEAWAY!

THE PLACE OF THE NUDE IN ART.

OH, HELLO THERE, FATHER, UH... CONFESSOR, PROFESSOR

YOUR HONOR, YOUR GRACE...

I'M NOT YOUR GRACE, I'M YOUR ELSIE.

WHAT A TERRIBLE JOKE!

BUT IT'S MY ONLY LINE!

( choked gasping )

( audience laughter )

( man panting )

( panting continues )

( laughter )

( gasping andpanting )

WE WANT TO BUY A BED, PLEASE.

OH, CERTAINLY.

I'LL GET SOMEONE TO ATTEND TO YOU.

MR. VERITY!

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

AH, YES, WE'D LIKE TO BUY A BED...

A DOUBLE BED, ABOUT $&50.

OH, NO, I AM AFRAID NOT, SIR.

OUR CHEAPEST BED IS $&800, SIR.

EIGHT HUNDRED POUNDS!

OH, UH... PERHAPS I SHOULD HAVE EXPLAINED.

MR. VERITY DOES TEND TO EXAGGERATE

SO EVERY FIGURE HE GIVES YOU WILL BE TEN TIMES TOO HIGH.

OTHERWISE HE'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT, PERFECTLY.

OH, I SEE.

I SEE-- SO YOUR CHEAPEST BED IS $&80?

$&800, YES, SIR.

AND HOW WIDE IS IT?

UH... THE WIDTH IS, UH... 60 FEET WIDE.

OH... SIX FOOT WIDE, EH?

AND THE LENGTH?

THE LENGTH IS, UM...

LAMBERT?

Lambert: HMM?

WHAT IS THE LENGTH OF THE COMFYDOWN MAJORETTE?

UH... TWO FOOT LONG.

TWO FOOT LONG?

AH, YES, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, OF COURSE

TO MULTIPLY EVERYTHING MR. LAMBERT SAYS BY THREE.

UH... IT'S NOTHING HE CAN HELP, YOU UNDERSTAND.

APART FROM THAT HE'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.

I SEE, I'M SORRY.

BUT IT DOES MEAN

THAT WHEN HE SAYS A BED IS TWO FOOT WIDE

IT IS, IN FACT, 60 FEET WIDE.

OH, YES, I SEE...

AND THAT'S NOT COUNTING THE MATTRESS.

OH, HOW MUCH IS THAT?

LAMBERT WILL BE ABLE TO HELP YOU THERE.

LAMBERT?

HMM?

WILL YOU SHOW THESE 20 GOOD PEOPLE

THE, UH... DOG KENNEL PLEASE?

CERTAINLY.

DOG KENNEL? NO, NO, NO.

MATTRESSES, MATTRESSES.

OH, NO, NO, YOU HAVE TO SAY

"DOG KENNEL" TO MR. LAMBERT

BECAUSE IF YOU SAY "MATTRESS," HE PUTS A BAG OVER HIS HEAD.

I SHOULD HAVE EXPLAINED.

APART FROM THAT HE'S REALLY ALL RIGHT.

( light laughter )

( giggling )

( trying to laugh )

UH... UM, UH, WE'D LIKE TO SEE THE DOG KENNELS, PLEASE.

DOG KENNELS?

YES, WE WANT TO SEE THE DOG KENNELS.

AH, YES, WELL, THAT'S THE PETS DEPARTMENT, SECOND FLOOR.

OH, NO, NO, WE WANT TO SEE THE DOG KENNELS.

YES, PETS DEPARTMENT, SECOND FLOOR.

NO, NO, NO, WE DON'T REALLY WANT TO SEE DOG KENNELS

ONLY YOUR COLLEAGUE SAID WE OUGHT TO...

OH, DEAR, WHAT'S HE BEEN TELLING YOU NOW?

WELL, HE SAID WE SHOULD SAY

"DOG KENNELS" TO YOU INSTEAD OF "MATTRESS."

( laughter )

OH, DEAR, HELLO, HELLO?

DID YOU SAY "MATTRESS"?

WELL, A LITTLE, YES.

I DID ASK YOU NOT TO SAY "MATTRESS," DIDN'T I?

NOW I'VE GOT TO STAND IN THE TEA CHEST.

( laughter )

AND DID THOSE FEET IN ANCIENT TIMES

WALK UPON ENGLAND'S MOUNTAINS GREEN...

DID SOMEBODY SAY "MATTRESS" TO MR. LAMBERT?

Both: AND WAS THE HOLY LAMB OF GOD

ON ENGLAND'S PLEASANT...

HE SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT NOW.

BUT DON'T... YOU KNOW, JUST DON'T.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

UH...

WE'D LIKE TO SEE THE DOG KENNELS, PLEASE.

YES, SECOND FLOOR.

NO, NO, LOOK, THESE DOG KENNELS HERE, SEE?

MATTRESSES?

OH, YES!

WELL, IF YOU MEANT MATTRESS, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY "MATTRESS"?

I MEAN, IT'S VERY CONFUSING FOR ME

IF YOU GO AND SAY "DOG KENNELS" WHEN YOU MEAN "MATTRESS."

WHY NOT JUST SAY "MATTRESS"?

WELL, I MEAN YOU PUT A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD

LAST TIME I SAID "MATTRESS."

( laughter )

BRING ME MY BOW OF BURNING GOLD

BRING ME MY ARROWS OF DESIRE

BRING ME MY SPEAR...

DID SOMEBODY SAY "MATTRESS" TO MR. LAMBERT?

TWICE.

HEY, EVERYBODY

SOMEBODY SAID "MATTRESS" TO MR. LAMBERT TWICE!

I SHALL NOT CEASE FROM MENTAL STRIFE

NOR SHALL MY SWORD SLEEP IN MY HAND...

WE NEED MORE!

( masses singing "Jerusalem" )

ON ENGLAND'S GREEN AND PLEASANT...

NOW, UH... CAN I HELP YOU?

WE WANT A MATTRESS.

ALL: OH, WHAT DID YOU SAY THAT FOR?

BUT IT'S MY ONLY LINE!

ALL: WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY IT.

( high-pitched wailing )

FULL FRONTAL NUDITY?

NOT IN THIS PART OF ESHER.

( nasally ): I WOULD ONLY PERFORM A SCENE

IN WHICH THERE WAS TOTAL FRONTAL NUDITY.

NOW, I'VE NOTICED A TENDENCY

FOR THIS PROGRAM TO GET RATHER SILLY.

NOW, I DO MY BEST TO KEEP THINGS MOVING ALONG

BUT I'M NOT HAVING THINGS GETTING SILLY.

THOSE LAST TWO SKETCHES I DID GOT VERY SILLY INDEED

AND THAT LAST ONE ABOUT THE BED WAS EVEN SILLIER.

NOW, NOBODY LIKES A GOOD LAUGH MORE THAN I DO

EXCEPT PERHAPS MY WIFE... AND SOME OF HER FRIENDS.

OH, YES, AND CAPTAIN JOHNSON.

COME TO THINK OF IT

MOST PEOPLE LIKE A GOOD LAUGH MORE THAN I DO

BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT.

NOW, LET'S HAVE A GOOD, CLEAN, HEALTHY OUTDOOR SKETCH.

GET SOME AIR INTO YOUR LUNGS.

TEN, NINE, EIGHT AND ALL THAT.

AH, YES, THAT'S BETTER.

NOW, LET'S HOPE THIS DOESN'T GET SILLY.

HELLO, ARE YOU A HERMIT BY ANY CHANCE?

YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

ARE YOU A HERMIT?

YES, I CERTAINLY AM.

WELL, I NEVER.

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AWAY FROM?

OH, YOU KNOW, THE USUAL--

PEOPLE, CHAT, GOSSIP, YOU KNOW.

OH, I CERTAINLY DO; IT WAS THE SAME WITH ME.

I MEAN, THERE COMES A TIME WHEN YOU REALIZE THERE'S NO GOOD

FRITTERING YOUR LIFE AWAY

IN IDLENESS AND TRIVIAL CHITCHAT.

WHERE'S YOUR CAVE?

OH, UP THE GOAT TRACK, FIRST ON THE LEFT.

OH, THEY'RE VERY NICE UP THERE, AREN'T THEY?

YES, THEY ARE, I'VE GOT A BEAUTY.

A BIT DRAFTY, THOUGH, AREN'T THEY?

NO, WE'VE HAD OURS INSULATED.

OH, YES?

YES, I USED BIRDS' NESTS, MOSS

AND OAK LEAVES ROUND THE OUTSIDE.

OH, SOUNDS MARVELOUS.

OH, IT'S A TREAT, IT REALLY IS

'CAUSE OTHERWISE, THOSE STONE CAVES CAN BE SO GRIM.

YES, THEY REALLY CAN BE, CAN'T THEY?

THEY REALLY CAN.

MORNING, FRANK.

UH, MORNING, NORMAN.

TALKING OF MOSS, UH, YOU KNOW MR. ROBINSON?

WITH THE, UH, GREEN LOINCLOTH?

UH, NO, THAT'S MR. SEAGRAVE.

MR. ROBINSON'S THE HERMIT

WHO LODGES WITH MR. SEAGRAVE.

OH, YES.

YES, WELL, HE'S PUT ME ONTO WATTLES.

REALLY?

YES. SWEARS BY THEM.

MORNING, FRANK.

MORNING, LIONEL.

WELL, HE SAYS THAT MOSS TENDS TO FALL OFF THE CAVE WALL

DURING COLD WEATHER.

YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT GET A REALLY BAD SPELL

AND HALF THE MOSS DROPS OFF THE CAVE WALL

LEAVING YOU COLD.

OH, WELL, MR. ROBINSON'S CAVE

HAS NEVER BEEN EXACTLY NIRVANA, HAS IT?

WELL, QUITE, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

ANYWAY, MR. ROGERS, HE'S THE, UH, HERMIT...

ON THE END.

UP AT THE TOP, YES.

WELL, HE TRIED WATTLES

AND HE CAME OUT IN A RASH.

REALLY?

YES, AND THERE'S ME WITH HALF A WALL WATTLED.

I MEAN, WHAT'LL I DO?

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TRY BIRDS' NESTS

LIKE I'VE DONE?

OR ELSE DEAD BRACKEN.

Man: FRANK!

YES, HAN.

CAN I BORROW YOUR GOAT?

UH, YES, THAT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

OH, LEAVE ME A PINT FOR BREAKFAST, WILL YOU?

YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE TROUBLE

WITH LIVING HALFWAY UP A CLIFF--

YOU FEEL SO CUT OFF.

YOU KNOW, IT TAKES ME TWO HOURS EVERY MORNING

TO GET OUT ONTO THE MOORS

COLLECT MY BERRIES, CHASTISE MYSELF

AND TWO HOURS BACK IN THE EVENING.

STILL, THERE'S ONE THING ABOUT BEING A HERMIT--

AT LEAST YOU MEET PEOPLE.

OH, YES, I WOULDN'T GO BACK

TO PUBLIC RELATIONS.

OH, WELL, BYE FOR NOW, FRANK. MUST TODDLE.

RIGHT, YOU TWO HERMITS

STOP THAT SKETCH.

I THINK IT'S SILLY.

GO ON, STOP IT, IT'S SILLY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU CAN'T STOP IT; IT'S ON FILM.

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE

TO THE VIEWER AT HOME, DOES IT?

GO ON, GET OUT.

( all shouting at once )

GET OFF, GO ON, ALL OF YOU.

GO ON, MOVE, MOVE!

GO ON, GET OUT.

( others protesting )

GO ON, GET OUT. MOVE, MOVE.

Man: MOVE, MOVE!

( commotion )

( laughter )

( old recording of swing song begins playing )

( door opens, shop bell tinkles )

HELLO, I WISH TO REGISTER A COMPLAINT.

HELLO? MISS?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "MISS"?

OH, I'M SORRY, I HAVE A COLD.

I WISH TO MAKE A COMPLAINT.

SORRY, WE'RE CLOSING FOR LUNCH.

NEVER MIND THAT, MY LAD

I WISH TO COMPLAIN

ABOUT THIS PARROT WHAT I PURCHASED

NOT HALF AN HOUR AGO FROM THIS VERY BOUTIQUE.

OH, YES, THE NORWEGIAN BLUE. WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT.

IT'S DEAD, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT.

NO, NO, IT'S RESTING, LOOK.

LOOK, MY LAD, I KNOW A DEAD PARROT WHEN I SEE ONE

AND I'M LOOKING AT ONE RIGHT NOW.

NO, NO, SIR, IT'S NOT DEAD, IT'S RESTING.

RESTING?

YEAH, REMARKABLE BIRD, THE NORWEGIAN BLUE

BEAUTIFUL PLUMAGE, ISN'T IT?

THE PLUMAGE DON'T ENTER INTO IT-- IT'S STONE DEAD.

NO, NO, IT'S RESTING.

ALL RIGHT, THEN, IF IT'S RESTING, I'LL WAKE IT UP.

HELLO, POLLY!

I'VE GOT A NICE CUTTLEFISH FOR YOU WHEN YOU WAKE UP

POLLY PARROT!

THERE, IT MOVED.

NO, IT DIDN'T.

THAT WAS YOU PUSHING THE CAGE.

I DID NOT!

YES, YOU DID.

HELLO, POLLY!

POLLY!

POLLY PARROT, WAKE UP!

POLLY!

NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL A DEAD PARROT.

NO, NO, IT'S STUNNED.

LOOK, MY LAD, I'VE HAD

JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THIS.

THAT PARROT IS DEFINITELY DECEASED.

AND WHEN I BOUGHT IT NOT HALF AN HOUR AGO

YOU ASSURED ME THAT ITS LACK OF MOVEMENT

WAS DUE TO IT BEING TIRED AND SHAGGED OUT AFTER A LONG SQUAWK.

WELL, SIR...

IT'S PROBABLY PINING FOR THE FJORDS.

"PINING FOR THE FJORDS"?

WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THAT?

LOOK, WHY DID IT FALL FLAT ON ITS BACK

THE MOMENT I GOT IT HOME?

THE NORWEGIAN BLUE PREFERS KIPPING ON ITS BACK.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BIRD, LOVELY PLUMAGE.

LOOK, I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF EXAMINING THAT PARROT

AND I DISCOVERED THAT THE ONLY REASON

THAT IT HAD BEEN SITTING ON ITS PERCH IN THE FIRST PLACE

WAS THAT IT HAD BEEN NAILED THERE.

( loud laughter )

WELL, OF COURSE IT WAS NAILED THERE.

OTHERWISE IT WOULD MUSCLE UP TO THOSE BARS AND... VOOM!

LOOK, MATEY...

THIS PARROT WOULDN'T VOOM

IF I PUT 4,000 VOLTS THROUGH IT.

IT'S BLEEDING DEMISED.

IT'S NOT, IT'S PINING.

IT'S NOT PINING, IT'S PASSED ON.

THIS PARROT IS NO MORE.

IT HAS CEASED TO BE.

IT'S EXPIRED AND GONE TO MEET ITS MAKER.

THIS IS A LATE PARROT.

( laughter )

IT'S A STIFF.

BEREFT OF LIFE, IT RESTS IN PEACE.

IF YOU HADN'T NAILED IT TO THE PERCH

IT WOULD BE PUSHING UP THE DAISIES.

IT'S RUNG DOWN THE CURTAIN AND JOINED THE CHOIR INVISIBLE.

THIS IS AN EX-PARROT.

( laughter )

WELL, I'D BETTER REPLACE IT, THEN.

IF YOU WANT TO GET ANYTHING DONE IN THIS COUNTRY

YOU'VE GOT TO COMPLAIN TILL YOU'RE BLUE IN THE MOUTH.

SORRY, GUV, WE'RE RIGHT OUT OF PARROTS.

I SEE, I SEE, I GET THE PICTURE.

I'VE GOT A SLUG.

( laughter )

DOES IT TALK?

NOT REALLY, NO.

WELL, IT'S SCARCELY A REPLACEMENT, THEN, IS IT?

LISTEN, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, TELL YOU WHAT

IF YOU GO TO MY BROTHER'S PET SHOP IN BOLTON

HE'LL REPLACE YOUR PARROT FOR YOU.

BOLTON, EH?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

( shop bell tinkles )

( shop bell tinkles )

( whistling quietly )

UH, EXCUSE ME.

THIS IS BOLTON, IS IT?

NO, NO, IT'S, UH, IPSWICH.

THAT'S INTER-CITY RAIL FOR YOU.

( laughter )

( bell tinkles, door closes )

( man whistling )

I WISH TO MAKE A COMPLAINT.

I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS, YOU KNOW.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

I'M A QUALIFIED BRAIN SURGEON.

I ONLY DO THIS BECAUSE I LIKE BEING ME OWN BOSS.

UH, EXCUSE ME, THIS IS IRRELEVANT, ISN'T IT?

OH, YEAH, IT'S NOT EASY

TO PAD THESE OUT TO 30 MINUTES.

WELL, I WISH TO MAKE A COMPLAINT.

I GOT ON THE BOLTON TRAIN

AND FOUND MYSELF DEPOSITED HERE IN IPSWICH.

NO, THIS IS BOLTON.

THE PET SHOP OWNER'S BROTHER WAS LYING.

WELL, YOU CAN'T BLAME BRITISH RAIL FOR THAT.

IF THIS IS BOLTON

I SHALL RETURN TO THE PET SHOP.

( laughter )

( shop bell tinkles )

I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS BOLTON.

YEAH.

WELL, YOU TOLD ME IT WAS IPSWICH.

IT WAS A PUN.

( laughter )

A PUN?

NO, NO, NOT A PUN, NO.

WHAT'S THE OTHER THING WHICH READS THE SAME BACKWARDS

AS FORWARDS?

A PALINDROME?

YEAH, YEAH.

IT'S NOT A PALINDROME.

THE PALINDROME OF BOLTON WOULD BE "NOTLOB."

IT DON'T WORK.

LOOK, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

NO, I'M SORRY.

I'M NOT PREPARED TO PURSUE MY LINE OF INQUIRY ANY FURTHER

AS I THINK THIS IS GETTING TOO SILLY.

QUITE AGREE, QUITE AGREE.

SILLY, SILLY, SILLY.

RIGHT, GET ON WITH IT.

GET ON WITH IT!

OH... UH... OH, I'M SORRY.

UH... AND NOW, UM...

FRONTAL NUDITY.

( laughter )

OH, OH, I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT THE FILM WAS LONGER.

UH... UH, NOW, NOTLOB... UH, BOLTON.

Narrator: THIS IS A FRIGHTENED CITY.

OVER THESE HOUSES, OVER THESE STREETS HANGS A PALL OF FEAR

FEAR OF A NEW KIND OF VIOLENCE WHICH IS TERRORIZING THE CITY.

YES, GANGS OF OLD LADIES

ATTACKING DEFENSELESS, FIT YOUNG MEN.

( men groaning )

TAKE THAT!

( sinister musicplaying )

Man: WELL, THEY COME UP TO YOU, LIKE, AND PUSH YOU, YOU KNOW

SHOVE YOU OFF THE PAVEMENT, LIKE.

THERE'S USUALLY FOUR OR FIVE OF THEM.

Man 2: YEAH, THIS... THIS USED TO BE A NICE NEIGHBORHOOD

BEFORE THE OLD LADIES STARTED MOVING IN.

NOWADAYS SOME OF US DAREN'T EVEN GO DOWN TO THE SHOPS.

WELL, MR. JOHNSON'S SON KEVIN, HE DON'T GO OUT ANYMORE.

HE COMES BACK FROM WRESTLING AND LOCKS HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM.

( old ladies snickering )

Narrator: WHAT ARE THEY IN IT FOR

THESE OLD HOODLUMS, THESE LAYABOUTS IN LACE?

OLd Lady: WELL, IT... IT'S SOMETHING TO DO, ISN'T IT?

OLd Lady 2: IT'S GOOD FUN.

OLd Lady 3: IT'S... IT'S LIKE, UH... YOU KNOW...

WELL, ISN'T IT, EH?

Narrator: FAVORITE TARGETS FOR THE OLD LADIES ARE TELEPHONE KIOSKS.

( all snickering )

( audience laughter )

WELL, COME ON, COME ON, OFF WITH YOU.

CLEAR OUT, COME ON, GET OUT OF IT.

WE HAVE A LOT OF TROUBLE WITH THESE OLDIES.

PENSION DAY'S THE WORST-- THEY GO MAD.

AS SOON AS THEY GET THEIR HANDS ON THEIR MONEY

THEY BLOW IT ALL ON MILK, BREAD, TEA, TIN OF MEAT FOR THE CAT.

WELL, YES, WELL, OF COURSE, COME THE 2:00 MATINEE

ALL THE OLD BAGS ARE IN THERE

ESPECIALLY IF IT'S SOMETHING LIKE THE SOUND OFMUSIC.

WE GET SEATS RIPPED UP, HEARING AIDS BROKEN

ALL THAT SORT OF THING.

THE WHOLE PROBLEM OF THESE SENILE DELINQUENTS

LIES IN THEIR COMPLETE REJECTION

OF THE VALUES OF CONTEMPORARY SOCIETY.

THEY'VE SEEN THEIR CHILDREN GROW UP AND BECOME ACCOUNTANTS

STOCKBROKERS AND EVEN SOCIOLOGISTS

AND THEY BEGIN TO WONDER, IS IT ALL REALLY...

( narrator screaming while falling )

( laughter )

OH, WELL, WE SOMETIMES FEEL WE'RE TO BLAME IN SOME WAY

FOR WHAT OUR GRAN'S BECOME.

I MEAN, SHE USED TO BE QUITE HAPPY HERE

UNTIL SHE... SHE STARTED ON THE CROCHET.

Interviewer: CROCHET?

YEAH, NOW SHE CAN'T DO WITHOUT IT.

20 BALLS OF WOOL A DAY, SOMETIMES.

IF SHE CAN'T GET THE WOOL, SHE GETS VIOLENT.

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?

( engines revving )

( laughter )

Narrator: BUT THIS IS NOT JUST AN OLD LADIES' TOWN.

THERE ARE OTHER EQUALLY DANGEROUS GANGS

SUCH AS THE BABY SNATCHERS.

( babies bawling )

I JUST LEFT MY HUSBAND OUTSIDE HERE

WHILE I WENT IN TO DO SOME SHOPPING

AND I CAME BACK AND HE WAS GONE.

HE WAS ONLY 47.

( sobbing )

Narrator: AND ON THE ROADS, TOO, VICIOUS GANGS OF "KEEP LEFT" SIGNS.

RIGHT, RIGHT, STOP IT.

THIS FILM'S GOT SILLY.

STARTED OFF WITH A NICE LITTLE IDEA

ABOUT GRANNIES ATTACKING YOUNG MEN

BUT NOW IT'S GOT SILLY.

THIS MAN'S HAIR IS TOO LONG FOR A VICAR, TOO.

THESE SIGNS ARE PRETTY BADLY MADE.

RIGHT, NOW FOR A COMPLETE CHANGE OF MOOD.

I'VE HEARD OF UNISEX BUT I'VE NEVER HAD IT.

Man: DAVID HEMMINGS APPEARED

BY PERMISSION OF THE NATIONAL FORESTRY COMMISSION.

( laughter )