Original subtitles

(honks twice) Guess what, Mom.

What? Female koalas...

often engage in lesbian sex.

What?

? ?

(purring)

Kate: Tigers not only have striped fur,

but they also have striped skin.

The average human will eat an average of eight spiders while sleeping.

Ooh! One in every 9,000 people is an albino.

It is considered rude to tip in Iceland.

Woman: Six, seven, eight.

One and two and three and four and five.

Let's put it all together.

Kate: Saying "pineapple" will stop a person from sneezing.

Mom: Are you packed for New York, honey?

Kate: Yup! Marcella's family moved to "Tribb-ecca."

Mom: I think it's Tribeca, honey.

You get to see "Matilda"? Oh, that's so cool.

Yeah, my uncle's taking me on Saturday.

(car honks)

Mom: Kate! We're gonna be late for your flight!

(jet passes overhead)

? ?

Kate: Why are these called "cronuts"?

They're made out of crow testicles.

Yeah. "Crow nuts."

The Guy: Pretty good, right?

We got these from Crumbs. They're not the real thing.

You have a bunch of stuff in your beard.

You have a bunch of stuff in your braces.

Man: Sold out. I don't have "Matilda."

You don't have any "Matilda"?

Are you kidding me? Can I come back tomorrow and get 'em?

Man: Yeah, but tickets are $352.

Three hundred and fifty-two each? Yes.

Only premium seats.

All right, man, I'll come back tomorrow, thank you.

Next please. (mutters) Shit.

Hey, man. Kate: Hi.

So, can...

Can we see "Matilda" tomorrow?

Yeah, sure. Okay.

I promise we'll see it. Okay.

Do you... wanna do something?

I wanna be warm. I don't know.

It's not fair. Yeah, life's not fair.

Welcome to New York, baby.

In New York City, approximately 1,600 people

are bitten by other humans.

Wait, wait, wait, so I have to work tomorrow,

so can I drop you off at Marcella's in the morning

and then we'll see "Matilda" in the evening? Yeah.

All right, great.

Whoa. Hey. Pinky, what's up?

Hi. This is my niece.

Hi. Hi.

I love your skin suit.

(chuckles) Okay, let's go.

Hey, nice to see you. All right. See ya.

Bye. See ya.

Want some pizza? Yeah.

It's called the Cheesus Christ.

Oh, my god, that was so weird.

So, what is your work?

I'm a bike messenger.

Sorry I couldn't hang out today. I really would've liked to, but thank you so much.

Oh, oh, no problem. We've got all kinds of things planned.

We're gonna make some tortillas for some chilaquiles,

and we'll probably wander down to the waterfront,

do some charcoal drawing,

you know, some perspective stuff.

Maybe we'll make some felted gnome caps or something.

So, this is an afternoon brought to you by The Waldorf School.

Yes, it is, actually.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, never mind.

All right. Well, have fun, guys.

I'll be back later, okay?

Both: Okay. The Guy: Bye.

All right, we'll see you later. Bye.

Bye. Can I go see your room?

It's more like an area.

? ? (doorbell rings)

She has a trick. If you stick your finger in your ear,

she'll lick it. Okay.

Yes.

It works with everyone.

(door buzzes)

Uh, yup!

Marcella: What, you don't like Mexican food?

Kate: Not really. Oh. Okay.

'Cause this was gonna be lunch, but okay. Kate: That's okay.

Molly on phone: Hey, I got your text.

Yeah, man, I got a special going on.

Molly: Hookin' us up! The Guy: Yeah, thank you.

Kate: Okay, no word in the entire English language

rhymes with the word "month."

Oh, you're right. That's so weird.

So, this is a TED Talk?

No, it's a TEDx event.

Unauthorized, though, because Brenna didn't fill out the actual paperwork.

No, Molly,

because it's not gonna be approved

if there's a political aspect to the event,

which ours has.

So, we just didn't try.

So, what did we do to get the special this morning?

My niece is in town,

and apparently it costs half a month's rent

to see a fucking Broadway show, so.

Which one are you trying to see?

"Matilda"? Oh.

No, no, no, it's a bat mitzvah gift.

That's a tough one. Good luck with that.

Yeah. Would she see "Wicked"?

Ooh! Yeah, I do privates with Fiyero.

He's the prince in "Wicked."

Uh... she's seen "Wicked" a couple of times.

"Privates"? Private Alexander Technique instruction.

You know what? Maybe I should call him.

Your niece could meet him.

Do you think that she would like that?

And... (whispers) he'll buy weed from you.

I don't know if I wanna work around my niece, you know?

Oh, no, no, no, don't sweat it. He's the nicest guy.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm calling him.

I guess I'm going to see "Wicked."

Marcella, did you know that Romans,

they used to use crushed mouse brains for toothpaste.

Eww! That's so gross.

You know, there's this kid in my class, Zach R.,

who saw that in China,

they make pills from dead babies,

and they sell them on the black market.

Girls: Eww. So gross!

Oh go-- (gasps, gags)

Wait, she had a seizure? Yeah, she's epileptic.

Jesus. Are you okay?

Yeah. Okay.

Well, do you want to meet Fiyero from "Wicked"? Sure.

So, you've seen the show how many times?

Eight. Oh wow. On Broadway?

No, twice in Phoenix and once in Boston.

Oh. Yeah, I told you, she's a super fan.

(chuckles) We're... trying to see "Matilda" tonight.

Oh, good luck with that. Yeah, thanks, man.

So, do you want to do that Instagram now?

Sure. Okay.

Oh, excuse me.

Ah-ah-ah... Pineapple!

Hey, that's a good trick. I love that. That's cool, right?

Oh, my god, I'm obsessed with your Pendleton towels.

Oh, that's so great.

Your drug dealer comes to Manhattan?

My guy's always told me he'd only go to Brooklyn, so.

Hey, girl. You here to meet Fiyero?

I bet you didn't know he's a big old queebo

with a drawer full of poppers.

Kate, let's go. Hey. That's not cool.

Really, dude? Really?

Max: Bye!

Hey, hey, hey. I'm so sorry.

I don't really know him.

(whispers) Grindr.

(sighs)

Kyle on phone: My friend at will-call will take care of you.

Really, man? Kyle: Of course.

I feel terrible. Fiyero got us tickets to "Matilda."

They'll release 'em in half an hour. Yeah, thank you, man.

Kyle: No problem. We gotta go to the theater. We gotta be there.

(bottle shatters) Hey, goddamn it!

Keep walking. Just keep walking.

Keep walking. Hey! Little girl!

Hey! Goddamn it, little-- hey! Keep walking. Hey.

You knocked my medicine over, man! Listen, man.

It's okay. Listen, she didn't mean to do it, man.

What am I gonna do without my medicine?

Sixty-five dollars! You owe me $65! Listen. Listen.

Listen, dude, we're gonna-- Hey, listen. Give me $65.

We're gonna go to this ATM right now, okay?

We're gonna go to this ATM. You just wait right here, okay?

All right, man. All right.

We're going right there. All right, I'll wait for you right here, man.

All right. Cool.

It's a con. Go. Run. Run.

Don't tell your mom about this. Go, go, go, go! You motherfucker!

It was a scam, Kate. You didn't break anything.

We're gonna take these bikes. I need a helmet.

Here, take this. It's not gonna fit.

Yeah, it is. Just put it on.

See?

(bangs) Shit.

Let's take a cab. Let's go.

Those are drunk guys who dress up as like costumed characters

and then hug kids. That's sorta awful.

It's a dollar a minute, you said, for a ride?

Three dollars a minute now.

Three dollars a minute? Yeah. Flat.

All right, Kate. Go in, go in, go in, okay?

We're good. How much do I owe you?

It's a hundred dollars.

(people chattering)

I'm really sorry. It's okay.

Have you ever seen a TED Talk?

(music playing)

Molly: "In her section on Bly, in fact,

"she gives us a portrait of the artist

"as hysterical male subject.

"Bly implies that popular culture has been the sole,

"more important, the recent demon that attacked

"'the respect for masculine integrity'

"and is 'determined to destroy respect'

"for 'Zeus energy'-- page 23.

"Bly's belief that the generation of men that follows him

"is the first to suffer the allegedly debilitating effects

of effeminacy lends a note of alarm to 'Iron John.'"

(book thuds)

Women: Footnote.

(applause, cheering)

...intersecting aspects of our identities,

like race, sexual identity, gender expression,

age, religion, nationality, ability. (snaps)

As such, the sustainability of artistic networks

solely depends on fostering a more fertile ground

for future possibilities.

If you are looking to put a life inside of you,

go gluten free, go soy free,

and that baby will be yours.

Thank you. Wow.

Wow. Dinah: Thank you.

I didn't know that.

Dinah: Thank you. (cheering, applause)

Thank you.

You haven't been in a while? We should take her to the--

Sugar Freak.

Oh, my god. Are you guys talking about Petra Collins?

Women: Yes. Brenna: I'm heartbroken.

Yes, but-- but she got her Instagram back. She did?

No, she just-- It's here.

Oh, they put it back on? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tallahassee. Oh, that's a long drive.

It is a long drive. Do they decorate palm trees?

(laughter) Flamingos. Yeah.

That's fun. She's the one who made the documentary

on undocumented dishwashers in restaurants.

Right. I saw that at South By.

How was it? I wasn't crazy about it.

No? That's a shame. Yeah. No.

She's a smart girl. Both: Ehh.

I'm actually doing a massage-birth assistant doula certification training.

Oh. We could've used you when we had Henry.

I mean, my doula was sweet, but--

I haven't seen you in forever.

I know, I know. Where have you been?

Yaddo, bitch.

That's right. It's amazing.

Someone called him a queebo, and then we left.

Yeah, it was a weird scene.

Oh! (laughter)

The Guy: What did she pack?

Kate: She packed two or three shirts.

She packed one pair of tight pants,

another pair of tight pants, and dress slacks.

(chattering)

So, you had a good time, right? Yup.

Cool. I'm sorry we didn't see "Matilda."

That's okay. (man speaking on P.A.)

Tell everyone we saw it. I don't wanna be that guy.

"That guy"? Yeah.

I totally won't tell them what you do.

You know? Yup.

Thanks, Kate. You're really cool, you know that?

Thanks.

I'm gonna miss you, buddy.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Except we're going the wrong way.

All right. Whatever.

Next fact, please.

Willie Nelson once smoked weed on the roof of the White House.

Okay. Go.

Younger men usually have a higher alcohol tolerance

than younger women.

But it's reversed with their age.

This reverses with age, not their age.

Oh, so young-- so older women

have a better tolerance for alcohol than men?

I guess.

Next fact, please. Uh...

Next fact, please.

Mary Jane was actually killed

by Spider-man's radioactive "sem-en"

in the comics?

What's "sem-en"?

"Sem-en" is not the right pronunciation of that word.

Semen? Yeah, it's semen.

All right, next-- (laughs)

What's a semen?

Next-- next fact, please.

What's a semen?

A sea man is a sailor. Next fact, please.

(laughs)

Spider-man had a radioactive sailor?

Yeah, he had a radioactive sailor.

Spider-man had a radioactive sailor.

Next-- next fact.

Kate: Are you sure?

The Guy: Yeah, he had a sailor.

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