All language subtitles for Donny s01e03 Little League Dads Gone Wild

[upbeat music]

[applause]

So, Jasper, you were voted the number one

- Little League player in America.
- Yeah.

He is, right? Sit up straight.

You must be proud of him, huh?

Oh, yeah. I work really hard

to bring out the best
in him. Right, buddy?

Okay, send Jasper out
and bring the doctor in.

Let's give Jasper a hand, all right?

Switch hitter.

We're gonna bring someone
else into the conversation.

He's known as the world's
number one child psychologist.

We're lucky to have him
here today, Dr. Lewis Lewis.

- [jazzy music]
- [cheers and applause]

_

Welcome to the show. This is Glenn.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

- Have a seat.
- Thanks.

So, uh, what's going on here?

What I want to do now, we're
gonna show a quick video

up there, and it's... I think it's gonna

stimulate some good conversation.

So guys, let's put the clip up.

This guy has no idea
what's about to hit him.

Come on, we practiced...

Jesus, what are you
swinging at, Jasper?

Come on, you're a switch hitter.

Hit something.

Uh, who gave you that video?

Hey, why don't you shut up?

Why don't you shut up and sit down?

[audience gasps]

- This is just about the kids.
- [indistinct yelling]

[yelling]

[disapproving]

Dr. Lewis, what are you
seeing in that video?

Well, you know, children
around Jasper's age

can't handle that kind of pressure.

It can actually be really harmful.

- _
- Well, you obviously never won anything

in your whole life.

- Glenn, I-I've won a lot in my life.
- Not any Emmys.

Winning for a young person
means something else.

I have a nine-year-old
son myself,

and I always say to him,
it's not about beating

the other guy at this
point. It's not about the other guy.

It's about yourself. It's
about being your best you.

What do we say on the show, guys?

- BEBU.
- [chanting BEBU]

I still can't believe this one caught on.

It's caught on. People know it.

I think it's great. I
think it's very empowering

because sometimes parents
push things on their kids

because they don't feel
great about themselves.

What are you talking about?

- You don't even know me.
- Ask him about Daddy.

I want to ask you
something about you, Glenn.

Did you play Little League yourself?

Yeah.

Did your dad come to the games?

- No.
- Okay, Donny,

time for a little role play.

Uh, I want to try something.

I want both you guys to
stand up for a second.

Glenn, please trust me 'cause we help...

we help people on this show.

I want you to look at the doctor here,

and instead of seeing the doctor,

just imagine that's your father.

Take yourself back. Say, "Hi, Dad."

- Hi, Dad.
- Hey, buddy.

Can I have a hug?

No, just... please, just
do not see the doctor there.

I want you to see your dad.

- All right.
- I'm with you, buddy.

- Can I have a hug?
- Of course, big guy.

Come here.

- [applause]
- It's okay.

Okay, let it in. Come on, all-star.

- There, little guy.
- Oh, a man hug.

This is why I do this
show. This is what we do.

- That's a tight hug.
- Glenn...

- That's a little tight.
- Glenn, that's okay.

- That's a little aggressive.
- Glenn, no, no no, Glenn.

Glenn, Glenn, that's not a hug.

It's getting "Springer" up in here.

- Toss to break, Donny.
- Glenn, no no.

- You gotta get off.
- all: Oh!

What is it about pile-ons that men find so irresistible?

We'll be right back.

[jazzy music]

Technically, shouldn't
it be pronounced "bye bye"

because it's B-Y-B-Y?

No, it's BEBU, and this
is the kind of stuff...

We gotta run with this, like, Dr. Phil,

I know when he sees
this it drives him crazy.

Let's do t-shirts.
Let's do the whole thing.

You are obsessed with Dr. Phil.

No, Dr. Phil's obsessed with me.

I don't think so.

If I was obsessed with Dr. Phil,

I would not keep him front and center here.

This little guy that he
sent me a couple years ago...

A personal gift, my Dr. Phil bobblehead.

I have nothing but love
and respect for that man.

That reminds me. I've been meaning

to tell you something to upset you.

- What?
- Um, Dr. Phil was named...

New York's number one
most loved talk show host.

How? The guy tapes in LA.

It doesn't make any sense.

That doesn't bother you, right?

'Cause you just want to
be your best you, right?

- BEBU?
- It is about the BEBU.

- BEBU.
- I am Mr. BEBU,

and I love that man.

I'm gonna congratulate him right now.

[beep] Hey, Violet?

- Hi!
- My good friend,

Dr. Phil just got a
nice award. Send him a...

Is it weird that I
find him super sexy?

Yes. Let's send him a, uh...

A nice... a beautiful gift
with a personal note...

- Okay.
- From me congratulating him.

I am on it.

Why are there no Donny bobbleheads?

Mmm, 'cause no one wants them?

[jazzy music]

Zoe, do we ever work?

Usually, no, but I'm on door duty.

Your ex is upstairs.

- Piper?
- Uh-huh.

- What is she doing here?
- Mm-mm.

I want to sign Jagger
up for a Tap Competition.

Tap-Off New York.

- Where is this coming from?
- I saw your show today.

You actually saw my show.

I did. You are coddling Jagger.

That's why he's having
such a hard time fitting in.

Jagger is like the
happiest little boy I know.

- I let him do his thing.
- He is happy,

but your whole "winning
doesn't matter" thing?

That's a loser mentality,
and I don't want that for him.

- He's not you.
- He's got his whole life

to win, to get fired, to lose.

Let him just enjoy life.

He's nine, and middle school applications

are around the corner, and we need

all the extracurriculars we can get.

- This is a big deal.
- Okay.

Let's do this, all right? He can enter it,

but it's not gonna be about winning.

It's gonna be an exhibition.

Watch him meet some
more kids, have some fun.

I don't want him going into it,

and getting his heart broken if he loses.

Oh, this is about the Little League thing.

This is about you losing
that Little League trophy,

weeping in front of
everybody. That's what it is.

Okay, I didn't weep. It's not about that.

Let's just say, "Go have fun.

It's not about first place, second place."

- Can we just agree on that?
- Sure.

Whatever you want, BEBU boy.

"Whatever you want," I like that.

You do have the best set of BEBU's ever.

- And you'll never see these again.
- You love telling me that,

- don't you?
- I do.

Come on, let's go tell the Jaggster.

[swing music] [tap dancing]

[clapping] That's really great, babe.

- My boy, how good are you?
- That was fantastic.

Do you know what I think would be so fun?

- We...
- What we think would be so fun?

Should enter a tap competition...

Tap-Off New York. [gasps]

- Okay.
- But it's not really

a competition. It's like an exhibition

where you and other kids get up...

And you... you're not
competing against each other.

- You're just...
- They are.

- Well, no.
- It's called a tap competition.

- I'm in.
- We are gonna get you a coach.

- Yes.
- This is gonna be fantastic.

- He doesn't need a coach.
- He does.

It's not about the winning. We've talked...

All the kids have coaches.

How do you know all the kids have coaches?

In a competition, every kid is gonna have

- a tap coach.
- It's not a competition.

- I like Mom's idea.
- Yes

We are gonna get you
a professional coach.

[jazz music]

[tap dancing]

Whoa.

Hello. [laughs softly]

Wow, you're obviously Coach Gordon.

What's happening? I'm Donny.

Absolutely, nice to meet you.

- Good to see you, man.
- Wow.

God, what a dump you got here.

- Oh, it's nice, it's nice.
- No, it's great.

You in the entertainment industry?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

I have a talk show,
"Donny, exclamation point."

Is that like a "Ellen" or a
"Jerry Springer," kind of...

Not like that, more like a Dr. Phil.

- [tapping up stairs]
- God, I love Dr. Phil.

Well, I hear a little... little tap.

- There's the man, Jaggster.
- All right.

- This is Jagger.
- This is Coach Gordon.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What do you say we just jump right in?

You show me your favorite moves, okay?

And a five, six, seven, eight.

Good, right?

Wow.

And that's it. You gotta
have a strong finish.

Okay, but listen, unless
this is the Sochi Games,

you don't want to be "Russian," all right?

I don't want it to be
about "You gotta do this,

you gotta do this." I
just want this to be fun

- and light, you know, just...
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Like, just have fun.
- The great thing about

Tap-Off New York, is that it's
a great smaller competition

to get them lubed up and
ready to take on the big ones.

- Right?
- Yes.

Okay, no lubing.

Can we just call this thing an exhibition?

You're the youngest
exhibitionist I know then.

- Yeah?
- He's kidding.

Here's the whole thing about this,

our competition is just with ourselves.

It's about being your best you.

- What do we say buddy, BEBU.
- Yup.

Listen, it's all about having fun,

but I feel like for our
first couple sessions,

we could just have a little privacy?

- Oh, absolutely.
- Sometimes I feel like parents

- do the hovercraft.
- Oh, no, no, no.

I'm outta here... outta here.

Just about a half hour, right?

Half hour, an hour.

- Yeah, you pay for an hour.
- [tapping]

I got it, I got it, I got it.

- All right.
- All right, guys, have fun.

All right, BEBU. Who knew?

Um, all right, so let's
warm up your calves.

Jagger, I'm down here
if you need me, buddy.

Yeah, all right. Knock yourself out.

Right leg. And one and two and three

and four and five and
six and seven and eight.

Oh, I see you over there.
I spy with my little eye.

I-I just heard something. I'll see you later.

Your dad's like a prairie dog.

All right, so dreams were
built on sweat and suffering.

Let's start dreaming.
And one and two and three

and four and five and
six and seven and eight.

How'd it go with Coach Gordon?

Great. He's the real deal, Dad.

All right, all right.

Dad, uh, don't you think that a coach might

go against your whole BEBU thing?

No, not at all. It's still him being

his best him. He's got, like,

- a BEBU ambassador now.
- You're such a hypocrite.

- I am not a hypocrite.
- Why don't you just admit

- you want him to win?
- Hey, buddy, come on over here.

I got a good story for
you. Okay? Just a short one.

This is like the birth of BEBU.

Okay, when I was a kid,
I played Little League,

played second base, you know,
I've told you all those stories.

I was really good. So they had this thing

called a Herbie Sears
award, which went to the best

Little Leaguer in the district.

I wanted it to bad I could taste it,

and they announce Perry... my best buddy.

- I start to cry.
- You cried?

Tears coming down my face,
and everybody saw me.

And for the next four
months, I'm thinking about

that Herbie Sears award. I'm looking at...

at my shelf in my bedroom,
how it would look there.

Why is it not there?
And I felt like a loser.

And then one morning I woke
up, and boom... light bulb.

I said, "You know what? You can't make life

about a trophy, what somebody else decides

whether you're a winner or looser."

I am a winner even when I lose.

So the moral of the story
is, even if you lose,

pretend that you won.

- No, not at all.
- So, who was Herbie Sears?

First of all, don't listen to anything

your sister says, and it doesn't matter

who Herbie Sears is. What matters is

you never worry about the other guy.

You make it you versus you.

You'll always be a winner. All right?

BEBU! I love you guys.

Great talk, Dad. Thanks.

I get paid big money for
those talks, you know.

[jazzy music]

All right, so we're
gonna start right, okay?

Keep your focus up.

Focus up. The audience is out there, okay?

Try the splits.

Faster... and faster.

Atta boy. Don't drag.

-
You can dance

Amazing, man.

-
Let me show you how

Who bought you that?

Turn, one, two...

Shred it like you own it.

I think we're ready, kid.

[tap dancing]

That's incredible, man. Keep going.

Violet said to give you this.

The return address is Dr. Phil's studio

so I'm thinking maybe it's a thank you gift

for your congratulations gift.

Oh, that's sweet. You know what?

He's a gentleman, and, you
know, we have this kind of...

I think there's a real
mutual respect there.

That's really sweet. He
didn't have to do that,

but that's a... That's very sw...

- He sent me a bobblehead.
- How very thoughtful.

- It's the same bobblehead.
- Yeah.

Look at this. It's the same one.

I sent him, like a really, really personal

- like, meaningful gift.
- You sure?

And he... yes.

- Hey, Violet?
- Hi!

- What did we send Dr. Phil?
- Some Zen stuff.

Yeah.

See, I sent him a nice
gift. That's a nice gift.

I mean, he probably just has an assistant

who sends these out to his fans, you know?

- Like autographed pictures.
- I'm not a fan.

Let me tell you what this is.

- He's taunting me.
- Okay.

- He's threatened.
- Yeah.

Nothing says threatened like bobbleheads.

We did that big number on the sex show,

and this is his way of saying, "It's on."

He's trying to get in my head.

And let me tell you how
he's not in my head, okay?

Both of these gentlemen are
going on my shelf, all right?

Let him do his thing. Let
him do his thing twice.

- I'm not focused on him.
- Yeah, you seem

- really not focused on him.
- I'm not focused on him.

- Just be my best me.
- BEBU.

I don't worry about the other guy.

- I just beat myself.
- You beat yourself.

- You know what I mean.
- Yeah.

[light music]

[tap-dancing]

Hey, buddy.

Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?

Aren't you the guy with the TV show?

Yeah, I'm Donny. How you doing, buddy?

Nice to meet you. Do
you have a grandson here?

Um, I have a son here.
Um, he's right over there.

- What's up, buddy?
- Hi, Dad.

Are you sure he's old enough?

- He's, like, really small.
- Uh, he's old enough, right?

He's small for his age,
but don't worry about him.

You just be your best you, pal, all right?

Whatever.

BEBU.

What's up buddy?

- Where is he?
- I don't know,

but he's freaking me out.

- Excuse me.
- There you are.

- Lookin' good, Pipe.
- Hi, Donny.

- You look gorgeous.
- Oh.

Hi, cutie.

I assume that's Mom's newest, uh, boy toy?

One of them.

[upbeat music]

- Welcome, everyone, to Tap-Off New York

Junior Division.

Our first competitor,

Sammy Shoals, ten, from Mahwah, New Jersey.

[applause]

[upbeat music]

And next, the unique
stylings of Peter Bergstein.

And here's Dashell Waller.

And next, Jagger Deutsch.

[cheers and applause]

Whoo!

And last year's champion,
Ronny "Rat-A-Tat" Templeton.

Oh, look at that, reigning champion.

Woohoo! Come on, Ronny.

Show 'em what you got.

Come on, oh... try to top that, huh?

- Shh, hey, just relax.
- Mind your own business.

This contest is yours!

- Dude, chill.
- What?

Just chill. Everybody loves their kid.

- Donny.
- [deep exhale]

I obviously... I'm gonna kill this guy.

I'm gonna rip his eyes out.

Donny, let it go.

And now, the three top tappers

will tap off in a final round

we call, "Can you tap this?"

[cheers and applause]

One taps, and then each dancer
has 30 seconds to respond.

Ronny, begin the tap-off.

[applause]

Come on, Ronny! He's the best.

This kid is suspiciously large.

[drum roll]

Come on, Ronny. Tap those feet off.

Perfection. Absolute perfection.

[swing music]

Ronny's got this. Bye-bye.

- Go, Jaggster!
- Whoo!

How old is he?

You the man!

Two time champion!

Ronny did that step last year.

That's somebody's kid.

That doesn't make him talented.

- It's somebody else's kid.
- Okay, okay.

- Okay, Dad, just...
- Hey, take a Xanax.

Hoohoo!

- That's the one.
- Dude, sit down.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Nobody's standing here.

- Don't touch me.
- I'll touch you.

- I will touch you.
- Dad, sit on your hands.

I will touch you if I want to touch you.

- Jagger! Jagger! Jagger!
- Dad.

- Go, Jaggster!
- Whoo!

Look at him. He's cute,

but he's a little runt.

Did you just call my kid a runt?

Hey, get your hand off of me, man.

- Dad, Dad...
- This is just about the kids!

[indistinct chatter]

It's about the kids!

And today on "Access Hollywood,"

we've got the tape of "The
Tap Heard Round the World."

Just yesterday, the kind of BEBU himself...

- The king.
- Donny Deutsch was clearly

not being his best him at
his son's Tap Competition.

Who does this? Who
attacks another dad?

He puts him in like a headlock.
What is that, a nookie move?

After participating in the
critique of another dad

- who was doing that, right?
- Yeah.

And by the way, this medium shirt,

did you see what he was wearing?

- So tight, Donny.
- It's like he came in

- for a fight.
- Stupid.

- Check this out, doesn't fit.
- What a mess.

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Well, despite his dad's
poor sportsmanship,

Donny's son Jagger took
home the big prize.

He's such a cute little guy.

Coming up, we have Dr. Phil.

He's gonna tell us what
he sees when he watches

that tap-brawl tape,
and it's not good.

- It's not good at all.
- Freaking Dr. Phil.

[playful music]

Dr. Phil got nominated for another Emmy.

That's, uh, every year since 2004.

They're like daytime Emmys.

Don't pretend like you don't want an Emmy.

Look, we're never gonna win one.
We're never gonna get nominated.

I've accepted it, so...

How are you so sure we're
never gonna win an Emmy?

It has a lot to do with you, I don't know,

getting in violent, physical fights

- with other people's fathers.
- He started it.

Okay. This is what you're gonna do.

You're gonna go on your show,
and you're gonna apologize

to your fans and to your audience.

Why do I have to apologize?

I really feel like you were
not being your best you.

- BEBU.
- BEBU.

Okay, I got it. You and you,

- you're both going down.
- Just say you're sorry.

BEBU.

Five, four...

[cheers and applause]

Once in a lifetime event, everybody,

hearing an apology from Donny Deutsch.

That's it for today's show,

but before we go, I want to do something

that, um, I can't remember
ever doing on the show.

And I-I want to apologize.
I feel like I've let

- my audience down.
- [general disagreements]

I don't know if any of you have seen

a tape that's been going
around the last few days.

I was at my son's Tap Competition,

and things got a little heated
between me and another dad.

And we got into a kerfuffle.

Don't ever use that word again.

And you know, this show is
about being your best you.

- I-I preach BEBU all the time...
- [audience chanting BEBU]

You know... Yes, BEBU.

Um, and I didn't do it. I lost sight

of my principles, and I'm sorry if I let

- anybody down out there.
- Wow, you actually seem sorry.

As a gesture, we are gonna no longer

enter the Emmys. We are not going to accept

- any nominations...
- So generous of you,

giving up those future imaginary Emmys.

We're just gonna be about

putting on the best show for you.

So, uh, go hug your kid today, and tomorrow

we've got a very important show...

a controversial new
book by a doctor who says

too many orgasms for a
woman can maybe cause cancer.

We'll see you tomorrow.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, so humble.

[jazzy music]

Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on.

- Okay, are you ready?
- I'm ready.

I am, like, so ready.
Come on, come on, come on.

It... it looks like... like a older Fonzie.

- Who?
- Fonzie.

Let me see. Look at it.

Look how ripped I look. Am I this big?

- Are my arms this big?
- Yes.

Yeah, I think so. I look tough.

- I wouldn't mess with me.
- Your guns are on point.

- Yeah.
- The bracelets...

- I look jacked.
- are super manly.

I mean, if this thing could snap,

you'd be in "West Side Story"
in a heartbeat.

I'm, like, actually a little emotional.

- It's a very big day, Donny.
- It is a big thing.

Not everybody has bobbleheads.

And not everybody has 10,000 of them.

- You think that's enough?
- I could double the order.

Let's start with ten.
Here's what I want you to do.

- Okay.
- I want you to send

three to Dr. Phil with a note that says,

"Hey, buddy, just thinking of you, Donny."

- I love it.
- You did good.

- Okay.
- You did good.

- Come with me, little guys.
- Yeah, be careful.

- Okay, I'm super careful.
- Just shut the door, okay?

- Okay.
- [as Dr. Phil]: Hey, Donny, how you doing?

[as Donny]: Hey, Dr. Phil, what's going on?

[as Dr. Phil]: Donny, I'm the superior one.

I have the big ratings,
and the Emmy nominations.

[as Donny]: Yeah, you want some of me?

[as Dr. Phil]: Uh, Donny,
you might have some issues.

[as Donny]: I don't have
issues. I know who I am.

Bobblehead-butt. How you
like me now, huh? Pow.

- Take 21.
- And the line I'm coming off of is...

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