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1
00:00:08,983 --> 00:00:12,902
Tom. She's ovulating.
2
00:00:12,903 --> 00:00:15,422
Go and do it.
3
00:00:15,423 --> 00:00:19,423
Right.
4
00:00:24,183 --> 00:00:27,622
You can use my room, if you're
quick. Are you going to be quick?
5
00:00:27,623 --> 00:00:30,542
I'll time it, if you want.
Ah! Yeah, time it.
6
00:00:30,543 --> 00:00:32,142
Interesting.
7
00:00:32,143 --> 00:00:33,942
Starting now.
8
00:00:33,943 --> 00:00:35,262
Yeah.
9
00:00:35,263 --> 00:00:38,622
How long do you think it will take?
It takes me about an hour.
10
00:00:38,623 --> 00:00:42,623
Why?
58 minutes of that is masturbating.
11
00:00:43,687 --> 00:00:47,990
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
12
00:00:59,488 --> 00:01:01,782
Eight minutes.
13
00:01:01,783 --> 00:01:03,822
That can't have been
much fun for Hannah.
14
00:01:03,823 --> 00:01:05,342
It was fine.
15
00:01:05,343 --> 00:01:07,782
It's fun, innit?
Even if it's short, it's still fun.
16
00:01:07,783 --> 00:01:10,782
Yes, it is, Derek.
17
00:01:10,783 --> 00:01:13,542
Why are you talking funny?
Does sex make you talk funny?
18
00:01:13,543 --> 00:01:15,022
Vicky? Yeah?
19
00:01:15,023 --> 00:01:17,782
Tweet that. Sex makes you
talks funny. Don't tweet that!
20
00:01:17,783 --> 00:01:19,782
Tell you what, if it's
as good as I'm imagining,
21
00:01:19,783 --> 00:01:21,182
you had a whale of a time, boy.
22
00:01:21,183 --> 00:01:25,183
What are you imagining?
Him doing her from behind.
23
00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:33,623
There aren't any secrets, are there?
Everything's out there.
24
00:01:33,983 --> 00:01:36,902
Yeah, so we we're
trying for a baby, yeah.
25
00:01:36,903 --> 00:01:39,342
So... but it's a gamble.
26
00:01:39,343 --> 00:01:42,262
See?
27
00:01:42,263 --> 00:01:45,382
What do you mean?
What do you mean, it's a gamble?
28
00:01:45,383 --> 00:01:49,383
We don't know, do we?
We don't know if we're fertile.
29
00:01:49,823 --> 00:01:52,742
Course we're fertile.
We're... Course we are.
30
00:01:52,743 --> 00:01:55,502
Well, you don't know, do you?
I've never been pregnant before.
31
00:01:55,503 --> 00:01:57,382
You said you'd never
got anyone pregnant.
32
00:01:57,383 --> 00:01:58,822
Because I've always worn a...
33
00:01:58,823 --> 00:02:01,582
Yeah, but you don't know, do
you? It's always a gamble to know.
34
00:02:01,583 --> 00:02:04,462
No. I mean, I know. You...
35
00:02:04,463 --> 00:02:06,222
I mean, they're...
36
00:02:06,223 --> 00:02:08,142
healthy... All right!
37
00:02:08,143 --> 00:02:10,222
..heavy, you know,
they've been to... All right!
38
00:02:10,223 --> 00:02:12,582
I'm not having a go at your manhood.
I'm just saying.
39
00:02:12,583 --> 00:02:16,582
They've been to sea! They're amazing.
Right. OK, well, it's intimidating.
40
00:02:16,583 --> 00:02:19,582
"Right. Oh, well, I hope I can step
up." Er... it printed out.
41
00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:21,062
What's printed out? What's that?
42
00:02:21,063 --> 00:02:23,462
My own copy of your
ovulation chart. What? What?
43
00:02:23,463 --> 00:02:25,622
So I don't have to keep coming in
here and ticking it.
44
00:02:25,623 --> 00:02:26,942
What are those ticks?
45
00:02:26,943 --> 00:02:28,822
That's when you had sex.
I plonked it on here.
46
00:02:28,823 --> 00:02:31,462
It's just an experiment.
It's interesting, innit?
47
00:02:31,463 --> 00:02:33,942
Derek, can I have that chart back?
Come on! I'm just read...
48
00:02:33,943 --> 00:02:36,582
It also shows how
long it takes you each time.
49
00:02:36,583 --> 00:02:40,583
Why did that one take longer?
11 minutes, that one.
50
00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:57,382
He's frustrated,
cos Dougie's off today.
51
00:02:57,383 --> 00:03:00,542
Yeah. He's taking his holiday
leave as part of his notice.
52
00:03:00,543 --> 00:03:02,382
He's moving to Manchester,
so we ain't got
53
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:03,702
anywhere to live, me and Kev.
54
00:03:03,703 --> 00:03:07,703
But, right, Jack's grandson
is letting us have an old caravan
55
00:03:07,743 --> 00:03:11,262
so we can live in that
in the car park, innit?
56
00:03:11,263 --> 00:03:13,582
Yeah. That's,
erm, that's been going on.
57
00:03:13,583 --> 00:03:17,462
We, er, we are going to be
interviewing for a new caretaker.
58
00:03:17,463 --> 00:03:20,342
And, erm... Geoff's been
helping out in the meantime,
59
00:03:20,343 --> 00:03:23,422
but we, er...
we are going to be interviewing.
60
00:03:23,423 --> 00:03:26,422
Linda Garvey's coming down to
give me a hand with the interviews.
61
00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:27,862
I'm going to go for the job.
62
00:03:27,863 --> 00:03:31,302
Yeah. I said Kev could go for the
job, if he cleans his act up.
63
00:03:31,303 --> 00:03:34,222
Yeah. Actually,
question regarding that topic.
64
00:03:34,223 --> 00:03:37,422
If I do clean my act up, you know,
65
00:03:37,423 --> 00:03:40,222
do all the washing
bullshit, stop the booze,
66
00:03:40,223 --> 00:03:42,382
and it doesn't work out
between you and Tom,
67
00:03:42,383 --> 00:03:45,262
would you go out with me?
68
00:03:45,263 --> 00:03:46,542
No.
69
00:03:46,543 --> 00:03:49,502
Well, actually, I should
explain that by "go out with",
70
00:03:49,503 --> 00:03:52,382
you know, I mean sexual
intercourse, no strings attached.
71
00:03:52,383 --> 00:03:55,022
Yeah? Now answer.
72
00:03:55,023 --> 00:03:57,142
No. Reasons, please?
73
00:03:57,143 --> 00:04:00,822
Well...
74
00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:04,182
..I think that you would be better
suited to going out with a woman
75
00:04:04,183 --> 00:04:05,262
that hasn't seen you suck
76
00:04:05,263 --> 00:04:07,342
Special Brew that's been
spilled on the carpet,
77
00:04:07,343 --> 00:04:09,702
or seen you naked in
bed with an old lady
78
00:04:09,703 --> 00:04:11,582
or shit yourself in a meeting.
79
00:04:11,583 --> 00:04:13,782
OK. So, that's a no to full-on sex.
80
00:04:13,783 --> 00:04:15,222
But... No.
81
00:04:15,223 --> 00:04:16,982
No, hold on, hold on.
Well, it'll be no.
82
00:04:16,983 --> 00:04:18,942
There's lots of other
stuff we can do.
83
00:04:18,943 --> 00:04:20,822
Hand jobs? No.
84
00:04:20,823 --> 00:04:22,702
Gob job? No. Foot job? No.
85
00:04:22,703 --> 00:04:25,702
Would you be interested in
a boobathon? What is that?
86
00:04:25,703 --> 00:04:27,342
I don't know. It's me bashing those
87
00:04:27,343 --> 00:04:29,142
things around for
God knows how long.
88
00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:30,222
No.
89
00:04:30,223 --> 00:04:33,622
I suppose, er... that doesn't
change the deal? In what way?
90
00:04:33,623 --> 00:04:36,262
Well, that's been places Bear
Grylls hasn't been, love.
91
00:04:36,263 --> 00:04:39,862
Oh! Kev. Where was the last place
it went? Up a U-bend?
92
00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:42,062
Oh, funny! Have a
go at a bloke with gum disease,
93
00:04:42,063 --> 00:04:44,222
why don't you? Well,
you wouldn't have a gum disease
94
00:04:44,223 --> 00:04:46,902
if you brushed your teeth.
Oh, really? Simple as that, is it?
95
00:04:46,903 --> 00:04:48,582
Yes! Is it?
96
00:04:48,583 --> 00:04:52,342
Yes. Brush your teeth twice
a day and floss after meals.
97
00:04:52,343 --> 00:04:55,022
Fuckin' floss? What am
I, a batty boy now?
98
00:04:55,023 --> 00:04:57,342
Just sort your act out, Kev.
99
00:04:57,343 --> 00:04:59,702
Go to an AA meeting
and say that you want to be there.
100
00:04:59,703 --> 00:05:01,982
I don't, particularly.
Well, that's how it works.
101
00:05:01,983 --> 00:05:03,462
You have to say you
want to be there,
102
00:05:03,463 --> 00:05:05,062
you got there off your own steam.
103
00:05:05,063 --> 00:05:07,902
And... and smarten yourself up.
He will. He will.
104
00:05:07,903 --> 00:05:10,142
We'll... we'll... Yeah,
we'll go to a AA meeting,
105
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,222
he'll stop drinking,
and we'll clean him up.
106
00:05:12,223 --> 00:05:14,382
We'll get him a tie!
It'll need more than a tie.
107
00:05:14,383 --> 00:05:17,382
That's what it says on Dragons' Den.
They says, "You turned up without
108
00:05:17,383 --> 00:05:18,942
"a tie, you haven't got the job..."
109
00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:21,102
A tie is a fight in a
hurricane when it comes to Kevin.
110
00:05:21,103 --> 00:05:23,222
Yeah, but if he's smart and he's
sober, and he's the
111
00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:25,622
best man for the job, he'll
get the job. Well, we'll see.
112
00:05:25,623 --> 00:05:27,742
But if he's the best man
for the job... We'll see.
113
00:05:27,743 --> 00:05:29,462
You get the job if you're...
Derek! Yeah.
114
00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:30,982
We'll see. We'll see. Come on, then.
115
00:05:30,983 --> 00:05:33,302
Let's clean you up and
you'll get the job. Yeah. Come on.
116
00:05:33,303 --> 00:05:34,902
Yeah, excellent.
117
00:05:34,903 --> 00:05:37,542
What is that smell?
118
00:05:37,543 --> 00:05:40,462
It's a bloody farce, in't it?
119
00:05:40,463 --> 00:05:44,463
I'm already doing the job,
but apparently, I've got to apply.
120
00:05:44,663 --> 00:05:48,262
You've already got a young,
capable, British man here.
121
00:05:48,263 --> 00:05:51,022
Apparently, that's not good enough.
122
00:05:51,023 --> 00:05:55,023
It's all this PC nonsense, in't it?
It's all EU bollocks.
123
00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:57,582
This is silly. Why?
124
00:05:57,583 --> 00:06:00,182
If I'm a caretaker,
I'll be covered in grime anyway.
125
00:06:00,183 --> 00:06:04,142
'I'm going for the job here.
Gonna go to AA as well.
126
00:06:04,143 --> 00:06:08,143
'Feels nice. For the first time
in my life, I'm... I'm trying.
127
00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:11,582
'I'm wearing a dead bloke's tie.
128
00:06:11,583 --> 00:06:14,102
'But er... hopefully
it'll bring me a bit of luck.
129
00:06:14,103 --> 00:06:15,462
'Didn't bring him luck.'
130
00:06:15,463 --> 00:06:17,902
Thank you, babe. Nice work.
131
00:06:17,903 --> 00:06:20,222
Yeah. Fucking hell.
132
00:06:20,223 --> 00:06:22,542
'It's nice,
having everyone around me
133
00:06:22,543 --> 00:06:25,822
'sort of sorting me
out, dressing me up,
134
00:06:25,823 --> 00:06:27,662
'doing my hair.' Careful!
135
00:06:27,663 --> 00:06:29,022
Comb his moustache.
136
00:06:29,023 --> 00:06:32,622
'I feel quite confident.'
Yeah. Yeah.
137
00:06:32,623 --> 00:06:33,622
Hiya. You all right?
138
00:06:33,623 --> 00:06:36,502
I've dumped the caravan
in the car park. Is that all right?
139
00:06:36,503 --> 00:06:38,542
Oh. OK, great.
Good, all right. See you.
140
00:06:38,543 --> 00:06:41,822
D'you want to say hello to your
grandad? Well... Yeah, all right.
141
00:06:41,823 --> 00:06:43,902
Is the caravan here? Yeah.
142
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:46,182
Excellent. Kev, caravan's here.
143
00:06:46,183 --> 00:06:48,582
I'm moving in. Shall I pack?
Shall we pack?
144
00:06:48,583 --> 00:06:52,583
I've packed, mate.
It's all in a bin bag by the bog.
145
00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:56,942
Grandad...
146
00:06:56,943 --> 00:06:59,422
'Oh, a grandfather-
and-grandson relationship
147
00:06:59,423 --> 00:07:01,782
'is wonderful. You don't
have the discipline element.
148
00:07:01,783 --> 00:07:03,902
'So, we used to go off
on expeditions together.
149
00:07:03,903 --> 00:07:06,222
'I mean, to start with,
it's children's playgrounds.
150
00:07:06,223 --> 00:07:07,862
'You know, swings and roundabouts.'
151
00:07:07,863 --> 00:07:10,382
But then we went on
a caravanning holiday,
152
00:07:10,383 --> 00:07:12,702
and the river ran through the site.
153
00:07:12,703 --> 00:07:16,542
So, I took my, erm... my fishing
rod, and we sat on the bank,
154
00:07:16,543 --> 00:07:18,982
and I showed him how to do a...
a cast, you know,
155
00:07:18,983 --> 00:07:21,862
so the fly landed very delicately
in the right place.
156
00:07:21,863 --> 00:07:24,182
It's actually... it's
quite a difficult skill -
157
00:07:24,183 --> 00:07:25,742
so I thought he'd give up.
158
00:07:25,743 --> 00:07:29,743
He stayed hours there,
really focusing on this, you know.
159
00:07:30,903 --> 00:07:34,903
Of course, all this is a long time
ago. I mean, he hasn't got time.
160
00:07:35,023 --> 00:07:36,942
I don't see him very much any more
161
00:07:36,943 --> 00:07:40,943
because he's got a
VERY important job.
162
00:07:41,943 --> 00:07:45,943
Wow.
163
00:07:45,983 --> 00:07:47,662
There she is.
164
00:07:47,663 --> 00:07:49,742
Wow. That is brilliant.
165
00:07:49,743 --> 00:07:51,702
We can live in it for ever.
166
00:07:51,703 --> 00:07:54,182
Why would you want to live in there?
Cos it's excellent.
167
00:07:54,183 --> 00:07:55,542
Well, you can have it.
168
00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:57,662
It's a bit small
for two people to live in, innit?
169
00:07:57,663 --> 00:08:00,462
Well, it's going to be pretty cosy.
We likes that, don't we, Kev?
170
00:08:00,463 --> 00:08:04,463
Like a nest.
171
00:08:06,023 --> 00:08:08,782
Oh! It's brilliant.
Look, sink. Cooker.
172
00:08:08,783 --> 00:08:11,182
Shower, mirror. Yeah.
173
00:08:11,183 --> 00:08:13,222
Look, two beds, cupboards.
174
00:08:13,223 --> 00:08:15,462
Ha! Pickled onions!
175
00:08:15,463 --> 00:08:18,102
Get out of the way, mate.
I'm having this one.
176
00:08:18,103 --> 00:08:21,022
Can I have them?
Yeah. They're about two years old.
177
00:08:21,023 --> 00:08:24,422
Oh! Even more pickled.
Excellent. Testing the bed?
178
00:08:24,423 --> 00:08:28,423
Yeah, mate. Yeah, brilliant.
179
00:08:28,903 --> 00:08:32,903
Comfy.
Let's get you in position.
180
00:08:35,823 --> 00:08:38,103
Shhh!
181
00:08:40,023 --> 00:08:42,702
It's all right.
Here, babe. Up you get.
182
00:08:42,703 --> 00:08:44,982
What you been doing?
183
00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:46,422
Huh?
184
00:08:46,423 --> 00:08:50,423
You're always eating blancmange.
185
00:08:53,303 --> 00:08:55,302
No, I'm not enjoying it.
186
00:08:55,303 --> 00:08:57,662
Uh, uh, uh, uh....
187
00:08:57,663 --> 00:09:00,822
Uh. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
188
00:09:00,823 --> 00:09:04,823
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah! Whoo!
189
00:09:04,903 --> 00:09:08,903
Do you mind if, er,
mind if your sister joins us?
190
00:09:09,623 --> 00:09:12,662
Yeah, come in. Let's have some fun.
191
00:09:12,663 --> 00:09:16,663
They flips over
cos they're round, don't they?
192
00:09:28,343 --> 00:09:30,342
Are you just eating them by
themselves?
193
00:09:30,343 --> 00:09:31,742
Yeah. You'll get indigestion.
194
00:09:31,743 --> 00:09:34,382
I have some Tums. He loves Tums.
195
00:09:34,383 --> 00:09:35,862
I love Tums, don't I? Yeah.
196
00:09:35,863 --> 00:09:37,582
I eats as many pickled
onions as I likes,
197
00:09:37,583 --> 00:09:39,662
then if I get indigestion,
just have some Tums.
198
00:09:39,663 --> 00:09:42,302
Sometimes, right, when I haven't
even had pickled onions,
199
00:09:42,303 --> 00:09:44,942
and I haven't got indigestion,
I just eats Tums, don't I,
200
00:09:44,943 --> 00:09:46,982
cos I likes them?
He loves Tums. I love Tums.
201
00:09:46,983 --> 00:09:50,302
Anyway, I work for, arguably,
202
00:09:50,303 --> 00:09:54,303
one of the best banking
groups in the world.
203
00:09:59,743 --> 00:10:03,743
Is that a good job?
Just a bit, yeah.
204
00:10:04,583 --> 00:10:08,582
What do you do? Well, tres
difficile to explain yon.
205
00:10:08,583 --> 00:10:12,583
Erm...! I manage
very rich people's money.
206
00:10:13,623 --> 00:10:17,623
Why? Er... so that they
can turn it into even more money.
207
00:10:18,063 --> 00:10:20,462
What...? What...?
I thought you said they was rich.
208
00:10:20,463 --> 00:10:22,102
Well, they want to be richer. Why?
209
00:10:22,103 --> 00:10:24,222
So that they have even more money.
210
00:10:24,223 --> 00:10:27,022
But why don't you help poor people
get more money?
211
00:10:27,023 --> 00:10:28,582
Well, they haven't got enough money
212
00:10:28,583 --> 00:10:30,582
to do anything with in the first
place.
213
00:10:30,583 --> 00:10:32,342
Exactly.
214
00:10:32,343 --> 00:10:34,742
Don't you want more money?
I ain't got any money.
215
00:10:34,743 --> 00:10:37,542
Exactly! So, you know,
if you got a better job...
216
00:10:37,543 --> 00:10:41,543
What's a better job than this?
217
00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:46,782
OK, right, let's say you get a job
that pays you lots of money -
218
00:10:46,783 --> 00:10:49,222
then, you can buy more things,
you can get a better house,
219
00:10:49,223 --> 00:10:50,902
a better car, then
you'd be important,
220
00:10:50,903 --> 00:10:52,862
and you'd probably get
an even better job.
221
00:10:52,863 --> 00:10:55,662
Why?
Well, so that you'd make more money.
222
00:10:55,663 --> 00:10:58,502
Why? So you make enough money
223
00:10:58,503 --> 00:11:00,502
that you could retire early. Why?
224
00:11:00,503 --> 00:11:04,022
So you could do exactly
what you wanted all day, every day.
225
00:11:04,023 --> 00:11:06,142
That's what I does now.
226
00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:10,143
That's what he does now, mate.
Innit?
227
00:11:15,423 --> 00:11:18,142
'We spent a lot of time
together when he was younger.'
228
00:11:18,143 --> 00:11:22,022
It was a real privilege having
such a sweet little guy around.
229
00:11:22,023 --> 00:11:26,023
He was hanging on my every word.
He even laughed at my jokes.
230
00:11:26,383 --> 00:11:29,182
He probably didn't find them funny,
but he laughed anyway,
231
00:11:29,183 --> 00:11:31,022
because I was his grandad.
232
00:11:31,023 --> 00:11:32,942
I still am.
233
00:11:32,943 --> 00:11:35,942
Do you feel funny?
Yeah, I've got an onion headache.
234
00:11:35,943 --> 00:11:37,742
That's happened to me before.
235
00:11:37,743 --> 00:11:39,702
How do you live without money?
236
00:11:39,703 --> 00:11:42,142
Same as you lives with money,
but with a lot less money.
237
00:11:42,143 --> 00:11:44,062
What if you want something?
238
00:11:44,063 --> 00:11:46,902
I wants to talk to these people,
and that's free.
239
00:11:46,903 --> 00:11:48,342
You want to talk to this lot? Yeah.
240
00:11:48,343 --> 00:11:50,542
Soon you know everything about them.
Then what? No.
241
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,702
Cos next time you talk to them,
they've learned summat new.
242
00:11:53,703 --> 00:11:55,422
Or, cos they've lived
such a long time,
243
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,622
they've got so many stories,
they never runs out.
244
00:11:57,623 --> 00:11:59,662
And... I don't mind even
hearing a story twice,
245
00:11:59,663 --> 00:12:02,022
cos it's so interesting.
Your grandad's interesting.
246
00:12:02,023 --> 00:12:03,942
He's got loads of stories.
He's brilliant.
247
00:12:03,943 --> 00:12:05,662
Yeah, but he can't
hear what you say back.
248
00:12:05,663 --> 00:12:07,102
Just listen, then.
249
00:12:07,103 --> 00:12:10,422
Well, will you teach me to make them
pretend dragonflies,
250
00:12:10,423 --> 00:12:11,822
what fools the fish?
251
00:12:11,823 --> 00:12:13,902
I don't know how. Yeah, you do.
252
00:12:13,903 --> 00:12:15,422
You used to do it
when you was little.
253
00:12:15,423 --> 00:12:17,142
You used to make brilliant
dragonflies.
254
00:12:17,143 --> 00:12:19,382
I don't remember. Why not?
255
00:12:19,383 --> 00:12:22,382
Well, it's not important.
256
00:12:22,383 --> 00:12:26,383
Your grandad remembers.
257
00:12:27,623 --> 00:12:29,662
Why don't the fish know?
Why don't the fish know?
258
00:12:29,663 --> 00:12:31,062
Cos they just sees it on the water
259
00:12:31,063 --> 00:12:33,422
and they just thinks,
"That looks like a dragonfly."
260
00:12:33,423 --> 00:12:35,902
What do you make it out of?
Is it cotton?
261
00:12:35,903 --> 00:12:39,062
Why do they eat dragonflies?
Do they eat all flies?
262
00:12:39,063 --> 00:12:40,542
Can you make a pretend worm?
263
00:12:40,543 --> 00:12:43,302
They uses real worms
but pretend dragonflies. Why?
264
00:12:43,303 --> 00:12:45,302
Is it... is it cos a fish
can tell a fake worm
265
00:12:45,303 --> 00:12:49,303
but he doesn't know what a...
what a real dragonfly looks like?
266
00:12:50,263 --> 00:12:53,262
'..the star master of
celebs, the big square himself,
267
00:12:53,263 --> 00:12:54,302
'Bob Monkhouse!'
268
00:12:54,303 --> 00:12:55,902
Don't you ever wish for anything?
269
00:12:55,903 --> 00:12:59,862
Erm, I just wishes everyone is
safe and healthy. If you've
270
00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:03,262
got your friends and family
around you, that's everything.
271
00:13:03,263 --> 00:13:05,422
They're the most important
things in the world,
272
00:13:05,423 --> 00:13:09,423
and when they're gone, that's it.
You'll never see 'em again.
273
00:13:09,543 --> 00:13:11,502
Challenge TV. D'you know it?
274
00:13:11,503 --> 00:13:14,902
It's all the old quiz shows,
just over and over again.
275
00:13:14,903 --> 00:13:16,302
Which is brilliant, cos we don't
276
00:13:16,303 --> 00:13:18,382
remember the answers from
the first time round.
277
00:13:18,383 --> 00:13:21,822
I likes them all. This is my
favourite, Celebrity Squares.
278
00:13:21,823 --> 00:13:24,582
'..on this happy season
of Bob and the big box game,
279
00:13:24,583 --> 00:13:25,822
'we play the game...
280
00:13:25,823 --> 00:13:28,022
'You've got to remember
the samba and the conga,
281
00:13:28,023 --> 00:13:30,662
'the paso doble and the cha-cha-cha
and the mazurka...'
282
00:13:30,663 --> 00:13:33,302
Oh, if only we knew back then
what we know now, Derek.
283
00:13:33,303 --> 00:13:37,142
What? That whole diagonal line.
284
00:13:37,143 --> 00:13:39,622
Kiddie fiddlers.
285
00:13:39,623 --> 00:13:41,219
Are any of them still alive?
Yeah.
286
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:43,580
The one with the puppet's
still prowling about.
287
00:13:51,875 --> 00:13:54,754
I loves old people.
288
00:13:54,755 --> 00:13:58,755
I think I've learned
everything I knows off old people.
289
00:13:59,275 --> 00:14:03,275
They're wise.
290
00:14:03,315 --> 00:14:05,954
Some people think
they've got nothing to say,
291
00:14:05,955 --> 00:14:09,714
cos they just sits there,
and they're quiet.
292
00:14:09,715 --> 00:14:11,994
But they only sits
there and they're quiet
293
00:14:11,995 --> 00:14:15,594
cos people thinks they got nothing
to say, so they don't talk to 'em.
294
00:14:15,595 --> 00:14:17,634
But if you takes the
time to talk to 'em,
295
00:14:17,635 --> 00:14:19,874
and ask them things,
they tells you stuff.
296
00:14:20,335 --> 00:14:23,974
It's brilliant.
297
00:14:23,975 --> 00:14:26,934
Just a kind word.
298
00:14:26,935 --> 00:14:30,494
They realises you've noticed 'em.
299
00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:33,094
Or even just a smile.
300
00:14:33,095 --> 00:14:36,454
They lights up.
301
00:14:36,455 --> 00:14:39,254
It makes their day -
and that makes me happy.
302
00:14:39,255 --> 00:14:42,654
Ha! That's the amazing thing about
kindness. It makes you feel good.
303
00:14:42,655 --> 00:14:45,574
Whether you're the one handing it
out, or the one receiving it.
304
00:14:45,575 --> 00:14:46,934
Yeah.
305
00:14:46,935 --> 00:14:50,935
That's what I thinks, anyway.
306
00:15:00,897 --> 00:15:04,897
I'd be keeping your testicles cool.
307
00:15:05,977 --> 00:15:09,656
It helps with fertility.
308
00:15:09,657 --> 00:15:13,657
You keep 'em cool, and you have
balls full of healthy semen.
309
00:15:14,937 --> 00:15:16,536
Yeah. Thanks, Anne.
310
00:15:16,537 --> 00:15:18,136
Always willing to help.
311
00:15:18,137 --> 00:15:20,696
All right. You remember that.
I'm never going to forget that.
312
00:15:20,697 --> 00:15:23,216
And don't wear tight underpants,
cos it keeps them...
313
00:15:23,217 --> 00:15:24,776
OK!
...all hot and scrunched up.
314
00:15:24,777 --> 00:15:28,777
I get it, I get it, I get the gist,
thank you. Yeah.
315
00:15:33,617 --> 00:15:37,617
Not long now. He's going full pelt.
Yeah.
316
00:15:37,892 --> 00:15:40,931
There we go. Right on cue.
317
00:15:40,932 --> 00:15:43,611
Excellent.
They've just done it again.
318
00:15:43,612 --> 00:15:46,811
That could be the one
that gets the baby, couldn't it?
319
00:15:46,812 --> 00:15:50,331
Never know.
320
00:15:50,332 --> 00:15:52,651
'Probably the
worst place in the world'
321
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:54,051
to try and conceive a child.
322
00:15:54,052 --> 00:15:56,051
Everybody knows what you're doing.
323
00:15:56,052 --> 00:16:00,052
Just got to get it done. Got to get
in, get it done, get back to work.
324
00:16:00,452 --> 00:16:03,931
Romantic.
325
00:16:03,932 --> 00:16:06,371
Kev's just been to
his first AA meeting, innit?
326
00:16:06,372 --> 00:16:08,091
So, he's not alcoholic any more.
327
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:09,651
Derek. What?
328
00:16:09,652 --> 00:16:13,652
Once an alcoholic, always
an alcoholic. But I'm in recovery.
329
00:16:15,732 --> 00:16:17,251
What was it like? Awful.
330
00:16:17,252 --> 00:16:21,252
A load of losers at their
lowest ebb. I did NOT fit in.
331
00:16:22,772 --> 00:16:24,731
It's a 12-step programme,
332
00:16:24,732 --> 00:16:28,251
which involves keeping
a diary, helping people...
333
00:16:28,252 --> 00:16:31,291
and apologising
for any little wrongdoings.
334
00:16:31,292 --> 00:16:33,211
And if you don't mind, I'd like to
335
00:16:33,212 --> 00:16:36,571
start off with
this little lady here.
336
00:16:36,572 --> 00:16:38,571
Hannah, I apologise.
337
00:16:38,572 --> 00:16:40,051
What for?
338
00:16:40,052 --> 00:16:43,051
For many years, I've been
having carnal thoughts about you,
339
00:16:43,052 --> 00:16:46,891
which have increased in depravity
over the last six months,
340
00:16:46,892 --> 00:16:49,851
and I am deeply, deeply sorry.
341
00:16:49,852 --> 00:16:53,852
I don't want to know. Well,
you have to. It's for my health.
342
00:16:53,932 --> 00:16:55,691
Would you like to hear the fantasy?
343
00:16:55,692 --> 00:16:58,251
No.
You got to. It's for his health.
344
00:16:58,252 --> 00:17:01,651
Thank you, Derek.
345
00:17:01,652 --> 00:17:03,411
Let me set the scene.
346
00:17:03,412 --> 00:17:05,771
It's your office,
it's late at night,
347
00:17:05,772 --> 00:17:08,011
you're at your desk
and you're doing admin.
348
00:17:08,012 --> 00:17:11,811
I appear at the door
in my little briefs.
349
00:17:11,812 --> 00:17:13,651
I'm rock-hard and ready for action,
350
00:17:13,652 --> 00:17:17,531
and it's twitching away
like a meerkat on guard.
351
00:17:17,532 --> 00:17:20,851
You look up, you take in my
member, and you look down again.
352
00:17:20,852 --> 00:17:24,091
I wipe my feet,
I move over to the desk, I lean in
353
00:17:24,092 --> 00:17:27,331
and attempt to take that tabard off.
354
00:17:27,332 --> 00:17:31,332
You pull back, twist round,
and continue with admin.
355
00:17:34,212 --> 00:17:37,611
What? So, even...
Even in your dream, I still would...
356
00:17:37,612 --> 00:17:40,051
Reject me, yeah.
Reject you, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
357
00:17:40,052 --> 00:17:43,171
I then make my way behind the
wardrobe,
358
00:17:43,172 --> 00:17:47,172
and, in the saddest way
possible, I finish myself off.
359
00:17:48,252 --> 00:17:50,331
I haven't got a wardrobe
in my office.
360
00:17:50,332 --> 00:17:51,771
It's a fantasy.
361
00:17:51,772 --> 00:17:53,171
It's a fantasy. Yeah.
362
00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:56,331
Oh, erm... Sheila?
363
00:17:56,332 --> 00:18:00,332
Yes? Sorry.
364
00:18:03,452 --> 00:18:05,011
That was pretty grim.
365
00:18:05,012 --> 00:18:09,012
Involved a respirator. I sat on her.
366
00:18:14,412 --> 00:18:17,291
Erm, we're doing interviews
today, for the caretaker's job,
367
00:18:17,292 --> 00:18:19,411
so, erm... make a start, shall we?
368
00:18:19,412 --> 00:18:23,412
Yeah.
369
00:18:24,132 --> 00:18:28,132
Hello. Would you like
to come through? Yeah, OK.
370
00:18:31,052 --> 00:18:34,491
All right? Hiya.
371
00:18:34,492 --> 00:18:38,211
OK! So, why do you want this job?
372
00:18:38,212 --> 00:18:42,212
Well, everyone's gotta
have a job, ain't they?
373
00:18:42,532 --> 00:18:44,931
Yeah.
374
00:18:44,932 --> 00:18:48,771
And, erm... why...
why did you leave your last job?
375
00:18:48,772 --> 00:18:50,491
Well, I won't bullshit you,
sweetheart.
376
00:18:50,492 --> 00:18:54,492
I got the sack for thieving.
377
00:18:55,692 --> 00:18:58,891
OK.
378
00:18:58,892 --> 00:19:00,611
So, why do you want this job?
379
00:19:00,612 --> 00:19:02,891
I don't. But they check
that I've applied for shit,
380
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:05,531
or they stop my benefits.
381
00:19:05,532 --> 00:19:06,891
OK. Thank you.
382
00:19:06,892 --> 00:19:09,292
Hello! Hello.
383
00:19:12,012 --> 00:19:13,412
So...
384
00:19:23,292 --> 00:19:24,691
Brilliant.
385
00:19:24,692 --> 00:19:27,611
Do you want to come through?
386
00:19:27,612 --> 00:19:30,251
Good luck.
387
00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:31,491
Any advice?
388
00:19:31,492 --> 00:19:34,051
Just be yourself.
389
00:19:34,052 --> 00:19:38,052
Worst advice ever.
390
00:19:40,052 --> 00:19:41,851
Hello. Hi.
391
00:19:41,852 --> 00:19:45,852
It's Kevin Twine.
392
00:19:47,092 --> 00:19:51,092
So, where... where are you
working at the moment?
393
00:19:53,532 --> 00:19:55,931
I have to ask everyone
the same questions.
394
00:19:55,932 --> 00:19:59,451
Er... I'm... between jobs?
395
00:19:59,452 --> 00:20:03,131
Between this job
and a... butcher's assistant.
396
00:20:03,132 --> 00:20:04,931
OK. Wh... when was that?
397
00:20:04,932 --> 00:20:07,371
1990.
398
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:09,011
Until? 1990.
399
00:20:09,012 --> 00:20:12,251
Didn't work out.
400
00:20:12,252 --> 00:20:15,371
OK. Don't like meat.
401
00:20:15,372 --> 00:20:17,371
And, erm... you got any references?
402
00:20:17,372 --> 00:20:19,491
What you talking about?
403
00:20:19,492 --> 00:20:21,131
It... Don't worry.
404
00:20:21,132 --> 00:20:25,132
And, erm... what are your strengths?
405
00:20:26,292 --> 00:20:29,171
I...I don't drink.
406
00:20:29,172 --> 00:20:33,172
I haven't had a drink for a
couple of days. I'm not a drinker.
407
00:20:34,012 --> 00:20:36,811
And, erm...
408
00:20:36,812 --> 00:20:40,812
..wh-why do you want this job?
409
00:20:41,452 --> 00:20:44,331
Cos I like being here.
410
00:20:44,332 --> 00:20:47,251
I like being around you.
411
00:20:47,252 --> 00:20:49,771
Derek, all the old people.
412
00:20:49,772 --> 00:20:53,772
It makes me feel nice
and I want to give something back.
413
00:20:57,612 --> 00:20:59,851
OK.
414
00:20:59,852 --> 00:21:02,131
Thanks, Kev.
415
00:21:02,132 --> 00:21:06,132
Shall I go? OK, then.
416
00:21:08,932 --> 00:21:11,731
See ya.
417
00:21:11,732 --> 00:21:13,651
How did it go? Good.
418
00:21:13,652 --> 00:21:16,891
Yeah, I'm con... confident.
419
00:21:16,892 --> 00:21:18,931
Last one?
420
00:21:18,932 --> 00:21:20,451
Do you want to come through?
421
00:21:20,452 --> 00:21:24,452
Good luck, mate.
422
00:21:29,892 --> 00:21:33,051
Challenge TV again. Blankety Blank.
423
00:21:33,052 --> 00:21:36,451
Probably my favourite. Innit?
Yeah.
424
00:21:36,452 --> 00:21:39,691
You all right? Yeah, good.
425
00:21:39,692 --> 00:21:43,571
Erm, we've picked someone, so, got
a new caretaker now. That's good.
426
00:21:43,572 --> 00:21:45,571
Just got to, erm...
427
00:21:45,572 --> 00:21:48,452
tell the other candidates
that they weren't successful.
428
00:21:59,492 --> 00:22:01,131
'Good evening...!'
429
00:22:01,132 --> 00:22:03,651
Kev, can I have a quick word?
Didn't get it, did I?
430
00:22:03,652 --> 00:22:06,131
No, you didn't.
431
00:22:06,132 --> 00:22:08,812
But you did really well.
Don't worry about it.
432
00:22:10,812 --> 00:22:13,892
OK. Sorry, Kev. OK.
433
00:22:48,172 --> 00:22:49,771
Derek?
434
00:22:49,772 --> 00:22:52,291
What?
435
00:22:52,292 --> 00:22:55,172
Top right. Nonce.
436
00:23:00,692 --> 00:23:03,332
'That's Esther Rantzen's
influence, isn't it?
437
00:23:04,892 --> 00:23:07,572
'Well, you've done all right there,
Barry. You've got one.
438
00:23:09,292 --> 00:23:12,811
'But we're coming over to you now,
Gordon.
439
00:23:12,812 --> 00:23:16,131
'Our local fish-and-chip shop
is run by an ex-hairdresser.
440
00:23:16,132 --> 00:23:19,251
'He's so forgetful, he doesn't put
salt and vinegar on the chips.
441
00:23:19,252 --> 00:23:20,492
'He puts blank...'
442
00:23:20,517 --> 00:23:27,160
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443
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