All language subtitles for Crowded s01e02

- [Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On"]
- _

Hey, handsome. What's
taking you so long?

I'm making you want it more.

It's working.

We can do it right here

and not walk up stairs...

apply the energy that
we saved to the sex.

The kitchen? So dirty.

Really dirty.

_

The kitchen is so dirty.

Really dirty.

I guess the experiment of waiting to see

if the girls would clean
up after themselves

didn't turn out so hot.

That was a swing and a miss.

I was up all night helping Shea
fill out job applications.

Good. Maybe she'll get a job
and fill up that gas tank.

Apparently they think the flashing red E

stands for "excellent, keep driving."

Well, at least Stella
broke up with Justin.

So that's good.

Although there has been
a lot of rebounding.

High-school guys had the decency

to sneak out the window.

Now they come downstairs,
and I have to pretend

like I don't want to
punch them in the face.

You know what would take
our minds off of this?

Remember that naked thing we used to do?

It has been a while.

[telephone ringing]

Martina Moore.

Hello, Jeremy.

Sorry.

I should take this in my office.

So no naked thing.

- Morning, Dad.
- Hey, sweetie.

I finally got my applications off

to every astrophysics lab I could find.

Oh, well, that's good.

Is it? What if I don't get in anywhere?

Focus on my social life, you say?

I don't think so, 'cause
that's a complete disaster.

Maybe there's some larger perspective

that you could take solace from.

You're right.

Life is short, random, and
ultimately pointless.

There you go.

Oh, hey, guys, what are
you still doing up?

It's morning, Stella.

Oh, that explains a lot.

That's one crazy-looking wig.

- It's not a wig.
- I like it.

Thanks, Dad.

This girl Jessica did it.

We got wasted, and she cut
it, and I honestly think

she's gonna be the next big thing...

not in hairdressing, but in
telling people what to do.

[cell phone rings]

Oh, it's your grandparents.

The new rule is they have to text

before they come over, and
then I can text back...

"Not home."

And send.

I'm a genius.

What do you mean you're not home?

We can see you, genius!

What's the purpose of a text

if you're just gonna barge in anyway?

How should we know? It's your system.

Oh, good Lord, girl, your hair is pink.

I know, right?

Hi, everyone.

Oh, this is my new friend Jessica.

She's completely freegan,
has a sick Instagram,

and she knows Drake.

I don't know

if those are positive
or negative qualities.

Nice to meet all of you.

- Stell, I got to bounce.
- Okay, bye, Jess.

Oh, my God!

You cut your hair!

[upbeat music]

- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -

So, what, you're gay now?

Dad, just because I slept with a girl

doesn't mean I'm a lesbian.

Doesn't it, though?

You know whose fault this is?

The Democrats?

Not this time.

This comes from all that

"everything you do is great" parenting.

Why are you here?

Well, certainly not to
see my granddaughter

kiss somebody else's granddaughter.

Come on, Alice, let's go.

It really is no big deal.

She's right. Sexuality
is very fluid now.

People don't adhere to
specific traditional labels.

What's wrong with labels?

That's how you know what stuff is.

See? This is water.

That's vodka.

I fill it before I go out.

I don't do bar prices.

Great. Thrifty but criminal.

More labels... criminal, gay.

You're so uptight about everything.

I mean, Mom slept with a woman.

- What?
- What?

[giggles nervously]

It was in college before I met you.

It's nothing.

No, it's not nothing if your husband

doesn't know about it,
but your daughters do.

The girls are my friends.

What am I?

Dad, I don't want to boring-shame you,

but your Disney prince would
be Snow White's prince,

and his name was literally
just "The Prince."

You're a little vanilla when
it comes to this stuff.

You are what you eat. [laughs]

Yeah, yeah, Dad's vanilla,

but we're all cool and gay.

Well, I'm not gay, but maybe
if I were less straight,

it would broaden my opportunities.

I keep telling you to try a dating app.

That's how I met Jessica.

I don't know.

Why can't I just meet somebody

getting stuck in a revolving door

or sharing the same taxi

or having a big conglomerate
open up across the street

from my mom-and-pop bookstore?

And then I meet the head
of the conglomerate,

and darn it if he doesn't drive me crazy

in the beginning...

but then he wins me over.

Mom and I will help you
make a dating profile,

and you've got nothing to worry about.

I've seen you naked, and your boobs

are like two perfect handfuls of perky.

I'm out.

And there's nothing wrong with vanilla.

They're exotic beans, and
their flavor is exquisite.

Oh, so good.

[upbeat music]

What's bothering you, huh?

Is it that free-love,
hippie-commune thing

you got going on at your place?

You miss Nixon, don't you?

Every day.

Look, you made a big stink that
we should talk more, so talk.

All right, fine.

Martina and I used to have a
good, frequent thing going,

and now that the girls are home,
it's not happening at all.

Wah, wah. Stop crying.
You'll ruin your dress.

I'm sorry, habit. Go on.

So I think I got it figured out.

The girls are poisoning
Martina against me.

They say I'm vanilla.
She sees me as vanilla.

And she doesn't want to
have sex with vanilla.

It's like the old days.
It's three against one.

I wish I had a son.

It isn't that great.

Look, I went through something
similar with your mother,

and it's one of the
reasons why we split up.

She was a free spirit, into
all that New Age crap,

and, well, she saw me as a square cop

who wouldn't try new things.

You can't let this slide, Mike.

You got to spice things up.

How do you propose I do that?

Well, I got some tips from movies.

Movies?

You know...

movies.

Are you talking about porn?

Yeah, but I'm trying
to be a little classy.

All right, you got a
computer, don't you?

You won't believe what they got going on

in that thing.

I know what they got
going on in that thing.

I'm just more of a magazine guy.

I don't need plot.

I don't care how the pizza got there.

Y'all talking about porn?

I have to say, your father became

a much better lover after
we watched a few films.

You have to say that?

It seems like you want to say that.

Okay, ToastUp is the
greatest dating app ever.

So your picture and your profile

are your slice of bread,

and when you match with other slices,

they pop up out of a toaster.

Okay, Shea, how would
you describe your look?

My face is fairly symmetrical,

average height,

hips regrettably boyish.

I'll put "banging."

Personality?

Typical scientist...
methodical, logical.

Brain also "banging."

Okay, for fun, I filled out profiles

for you and Grandma.

- Just open the app.
- But we're married.

Just 'cause you're tied to the fence

doesn't mean you can't bark at the cars.

- [toaster bell dings]
- Ooh, those are your matches.

Well, I guess it wouldn't
hurt to take a look.

Oh, my God, they're all so old.

Oh, look at this fine
Denzel-looking dreamboat.

Ha ha. That's what's out there
looking for me, ladies.

Yeah, he's only a barista,

but that just means he's a go-getter.

[chuckles]

Mm, this app is great.

[cell phone beeps]

Oh, wait. What's that?
Why is my toast burning?

He's tossing your toast.
He's rejecting you.

Rejecting me?

That broke-ass, ratchet,
pretty-boy mother[bleep].

I don't have time for this nonsense.

That app sucks!

[toaster bell dings]

More matches, Mom?

No, I created a profile for your dad.

[giggles]

Later we'll laugh about how
we can never leave each other

because it's really bad out there and...

Oh, my God, Mike could get models.

They're, like, 20 years younger
with tattoos and piercings.

Mom, Dad's not going anywhere.
You make him happy.

Yeah. I do make him happy...

though not lately.

Your dad and I are a little out of sync

in the romance department.

Oh, my God.

If you guys split up, where do we live?

But it's Dad, vanilla Dad.

You're right. I'm his vanilla.

He's not interested in young girls.

I'm hot, and I'm 21,

and I live in your neighborhood.

You don't live in my neighborhood.

I would've remembered you.

Ooh, oh, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[key clacking]

No, no, don't freeze.

Don't freeze on that image!

[women chattering indistinctly]

What are you doing?

Just putting the computer to sleep...

like a parakeet.

Shh.

All right, fine.

I was watching porn in the kitchen

in the middle of the day.

Just one of the many cool,
badass, non-vanilla things

that I do.

Oh, my God, that math on the
chalkboard's all wrong.

That's probably why the
teacher's doing that to her.

All right, girls, upstairs.

Look, I can explain. I'm
not mad about the porn.

I'm just surprised.

Those girls are so young.

And all those piercings?

I didn't even know you
could pierce that.

Well, I guess it would help you find it.

I didn't think you liked this stuff.

Maybe there are things
about me you don't know.

What are you saying?

I'm just saying, why stick
with boring old vanilla

when there is kiwi out there?

Why are you suddenly interested

in hipper, younger flavors?

I don't know.

Maybe vanilla's getting
a little old for me.

But it goes to the gym all the time!

So my mom wants to get pierced

so she doesn't look so old next to us

and my dad won't leave
her for someone younger.

Oh, my God, coincidence.

Spike dumped his old wife too.

Why did you do that?

Well, she was always
focused on the kids,

even after they grew up.

Well, that sounds like a good mother.

That can be very attractive.

Yeah, but not real hot.

Pierce me.

[cell phone vibrating]

"At the"...

"Gym."

Bob and I have been discussing
your marital problems,

and we decided maybe we
sent you in a bad direction

regarding the porn thing.

Great timing.

Anyway, Bob wants to tell you something,

but he feels uncomfortable saying it.

This is true.

You got to stop worrying
about being vanilla.

So go out, find her, do something bold,

and rock her world,

'cause the truth of it is,
you got a good marriage,

the kind of marriage you
should be proud of.

And you shouldn't make
the stupid mistakes

your old man made.

There, I said it.

You and me, right here...

right now.

And I'm talking about
sex, if that was unclear.

But we're in session.

That's the ToastUp guy
I picked for Shea.

Doesn't he look like Hozier?

Sure. Why not?

I've never dated
somebody who looked like

a celebrity before...

except for the one who
looked like Galileo.

But, ironically, for someone
who looked like Galileo,

he thought the Sun revolved around him.

[laughing]

I need to be around people
who know that's funny.

I'll get your drinks.

I was hesitant about this at first,

but now I'm really
excited about my date.

You know, it's good for me
to put myself out there,

take the risk, dare to be hurt.

[scraping coming from cell phone]

Oh, my God, that doesn't sound good.

What does that noise mean?

Um, that's the toast being scraped off.

It means he's not coming.

I got stood up?

I knew this was gonna happen.

Why did I let you talk me into this?

I was just trying to help you.

It's not just this.

You're always pushing
me to do dumb stuff.

This wasn't dumb, okay?

You took a shot. It didn't work out.

Big deal.

There's no reason to react this bad.

- Badly.
- Ugh.

Don't talk down to me.
You always do that.

That's why we never hung
out in high school.

We didn't hang out
because you excluded me.

You didn't even invite me to parties

when they were in our own house.

I didn't invite you to those
parties because I was...

What? What, you were too cool for me?

- You were embarrassed by me?
- No.

- I was just...
- Well, go ahead, say it.

- Say how you really feel.
- I was jealous of you.

See, I knew you were...

What?

- You were jealous of me?
- Obviously.

I mean, you're basically
as pretty as I am.

[sighs] But you're also so smart.

You think I wouldn't like to know

what you're saying when you talk?

Well, I was jealous of you

and how much attention you got,

how much Mom and Dad worried about you.

Plus, you were always having fun,

and you always had a million guys.

Well, I also had my heart
broken a million times.

Wow. That's like a one-to-one ratio.

[both laugh]

See, I would love to
know what that means.

You know, maybe we should hang out more

now that we have no option
but to hang out more.

Yeah, we totally should.

Hey, let's go home.

Mom and Dad are probably
missing us by now.

- Bye, girls.
- Bye, guys.

Bye, girl.

Oh, my God, Bob, that's him.

That's the guy who burned my toast.

Oh, yeah?

Scotch and soda, please.

Not in my bar, buddy.

That is one beautiful woman right there.

How dare you burn her toast?

Now get the hell out
and do not come back

until you want to nail my wife.

Wow. This is a surprise...

an awesome surprise that
I am totally down with.

You got something on your nose.

I got it pierced, see?

It's a little infected right now,

so you can't see the stud.

That is...

hot?

Hot and dirty... just how you like it.

Yeah, you married a bad girl.

Ooh.

Does this bad girl want
to do it on the desk?

Yeah, baby, the desk,

'cause that couch is so
lame and comfortable.

The desk is edgy. It's got edges.

Let's revisit the couch idea.

The couch... still warm
from Jeremy's behind.

All right.

Hey, not the couch, how about the table?

Ooh, yeah, the table... the
one we assembled ourselves

with all those leftover pieces.

Okay, not the table, but
we've got to decide soon

because my torn meniscus
is absolutely ki...

Oh, oh, God! Oh, God.

[laughing] What are we doing?

Well, I'm trying not to be vanilla.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to be young and porny.

We are so not these people.

- What's going on with us?
- I don't know.

Ever since the girls came
back, things have changed.

I know, but why?

It's not like they're babies.

Well, they make a mess.
They keep us awake.

They stress us out.

they're babies...

giant babies.

You know what the problem is?

It's like, first we were
girlfriend and boyfriend,

and that was sexy.

And then we got married,
and that was sexy.

- And then we had kids.
- Not sexy.

And then they left,

and we were girlfriend
and boyfriend again,

and that was really sexy.

And then they came back,
and we're parents again.

I want my girlfriend back.

And I want to be your girlfriend...

even if I'm not in my 20s anymore.

Sweetie, listen, I had
this dream one time,

and in this dream, I was
laying in bed next to you.

And then I woke up,

and there you were, laying next to me.

Martina, I can't even dream
anything better than you.

Oh, Mike.

[door opens]

- Mom, Dad.
- We're home!

God, I hate them.

You two have gotten away
with this long enough.

- What?
- Being our daughters.

That ends now.

From now on, we're not parents and kids.

We are adults roommates living together.

You need to clean up,
shop for your own food,

put gas in the car.

Do we have to pay rent?

We're not delusional.

And now, adult roomies,

I'm gonna bang this
hot chick I'm dating.

- You, upstairs.
- Yes, sir.

You two, get a room.

We've got a room. You get a house.

- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -

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