Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
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[TCHAIKOVSKY'S "SWAN LAKE
WALTZ" PLAYING]
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? ?
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? ?
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? ?
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[INHALES]
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? ?
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? ?
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[MUSIC WARPS]
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[CLEARS THROAT]
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Okay.
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[ROCK MUSIC]
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? ?
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Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
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Christian is running a few minutes late.
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Thank you for your patience.
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We will start the meeting
once he arrives.
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[PHONE BUZZING]
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My mom is calling.
19
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That's weird, she never calls.
20
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Can I talk to Linda? I love her.
21
00:01:50,166 --> 00:01:51,901
Jake, stay away from my mom.
22
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Matt, first of all, it's not sexual.
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Secondly, love is love,
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and when you know, you know.
25
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I feel like in another lifetime,
I could've married Linda.
26
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Then I would've been your dad.
27
00:02:00,210 --> 00:02:02,312
What game are you playing, Daddy?
28
00:02:02,412 --> 00:02:03,880
It's called "2071."
29
00:02:03,981 --> 00:02:05,181
It's set in a dystopian future
30
00:02:05,281 --> 00:02:07,083
where you get to
murder people with a sword.
31
00:02:07,184 --> 00:02:09,019
It's extremely violent,
but it soothes my soul.
32
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[SIGHS] I was supposed to
33
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take the day off
and go on an ayahuasca trip
34
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with my best friends,
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but I'm sure
this meeting will send me on
36
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an equally terrifying,
introspective anxiety cyclone.
37
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I feel like I'm wasting
my life at meetings like this.
38
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That's absolutely what's happening...
39
00:02:22,132 --> 00:02:23,466
but if it makes you feel any better,
40
00:02:23,566 --> 00:02:25,100
there's no way not to waste your life.
41
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The best you can do
is find something you love,
42
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and work so hard and so long
at it that it eventually
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becomes something
you mostly complain about.
44
00:02:31,241 --> 00:02:33,310
All I want out of life
is to lose my mind
45
00:02:33,410 --> 00:02:35,145
on a drug I don't understand
46
00:02:35,245 --> 00:02:37,413
and then justify it
as a spiritual awakening.
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- [SCREAMING]
- Fuck this fucking game.
48
00:02:39,750 --> 00:02:42,285
[PHONE BUZZING]
49
00:02:42,384 --> 00:02:44,654
My mom is calling again.
50
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Can you believe they called this meeting
51
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on the exact day
Adele tickets went on sale?
52
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Adele is what sent me into,
but got me out of,
53
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my last three bouts
of clinical depression.
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I never took you
for an Adele fan, Baron.
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Well, I'm not.
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00:02:56,365 --> 00:02:58,234
I'm gonna buy as many tickets
as possible online
57
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and sell them at a massive markup.
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[CHUCKLES] People will give
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00:03:01,771 --> 00:03:03,840
their first born child to see Adele,
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00:03:03,940 --> 00:03:05,442
and her music is so powerful,
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it'll help them
get over the loss. [LAUGHS]
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Now my dad is calling?
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My parents are divorced.
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00:03:10,781 --> 00:03:12,582
The last time I got
this many calls from them
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00:03:12,681 --> 00:03:14,618
at the same time was
when my grandpa stole a car
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and drove it off a cliff on purpose.
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Just go call your parents.
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The meeting won't start
till Christian gets here.
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Okay.
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[EXHALES]
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He was cursing like a sailor,
so then I said to him...
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[CLEARS THROAT]
"Frank, I got news for you.
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Wives are bad." [CHUCKLES]
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Women: can't live with them.
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And that's the end of that saying.
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[CHUCKLING]
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Uh, Bill, let's try
to keep that kind of talk
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to a minimum today.
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I mean, these lawsuits against
you are getting expensive.
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[CHUCKLES]
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Hello, everyone.
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I'd like to introduce you
to Bill Hathaway,
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who's been with Hampton DeVille
for over 30 years,
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and currently sits on
our board of directors.
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Hampton DeVille is my middle name.
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Just kidding. It's Margaret.
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- [CHUCKLES]
- Just kidding!
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That's a woman's name. [CHUCKLING]
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Anyway, here we go.
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Bill Hathaway is a nightmare.
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00:04:02,365 --> 00:04:03,900
He thinks it's 1975.
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00:04:04,001 --> 00:04:06,337
The last time he talked to me,
he said I would look prettier
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00:04:06,436 --> 00:04:07,469
if I were massaging his groin.
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00:04:07,570 --> 00:04:08,839
He said the exact same thing to me.
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Which brings me to
the reason why I called
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00:04:10,450 --> 00:04:11,556
all of you here today:
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- to discuss five new ideas that I...
- [PHONE BUZZING]
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[SIGHS] One moment.
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00:04:16,312 --> 00:04:18,281
[PHONE BUZZING]
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00:04:18,382 --> 00:04:19,850
Oh, wow. I have to take this call.
101
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I might be a minute.
102
00:04:21,218 --> 00:04:22,453
[EXHALES]
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I need you to take charge
until I get back.
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I'm counting on you.
105
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- All right, everyone.
- All right.
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BOTH: So let's get started.
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- Oh!
- Oh, Christian...
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- Me.
- No, well, he pointed at...
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- BOTH: Me.
- Me.
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- Me.
- Mimi?
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00:04:36,466 --> 00:04:37,800
- [CHUCKLES]
- BOTH: I'm in charge.
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00:04:37,901 --> 00:04:39,502
Why would Christian
point to you when I'm...
113
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[SIGHS] Can somebody pour
hot coffee all over my face?
114
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- John...
- BOTH: I have been waiting
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for the chance to take the lead
for my entire...
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- life, including when I was...
- Professional career...
117
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- I was born!
- Because I have a vagina!
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And you wear glasses,
you have inferior vision.
119
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- [SCOFFS]
- Okay, everyone,
120
00:04:52,048 --> 00:04:53,115
- let's just take two...
- Yeah.
121
00:04:53,216 --> 00:04:54,685
- While John and I...
- Everyone, take two.
122
00:04:54,754 --> 00:04:56,219
- A quick convo.
- Sidebar convo here.
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[PHONE BUZZING]
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00:04:57,473 --> 00:05:00,190
Now my sister's texting asking
why I haven't called Mom and Dad
125
00:05:00,289 --> 00:05:01,791
about Grandma Dorothy?
126
00:05:01,892 --> 00:05:03,493
Oh, my God.
127
00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:04,894
Is Grandma Dorothy dead?
128
00:05:04,995 --> 00:05:07,531
Okay, since we don't know
who he pointed at,
129
00:05:07,630 --> 00:05:10,399
let's just run the meeting together.
130
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:12,002
Now what five ideas
was he talking about?
131
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No clue. All I know is I'm scared
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00:05:14,738 --> 00:05:16,572
and I need to pee,
but the nervous energy
133
00:05:16,673 --> 00:05:19,243
from holding it in is
what's fueling me right now.
134
00:05:19,343 --> 00:05:20,511
Okay.
135
00:05:20,610 --> 00:05:21,978
Let's just do something
so that senile lump
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doesn't report to Christian
that we dropped the ball.
137
00:05:24,081 --> 00:05:25,014
- Yeah. Hey.
- Yeah?
138
00:05:25,115 --> 00:05:26,183
- We're a team.
- [EXHALES]
139
00:05:26,283 --> 00:05:28,819
Hey, you, the one without the hair.
140
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Come on, let's get this thing rolling.
141
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:32,188
He knows my name?
142
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Be a man and take charge.
143
00:05:35,125 --> 00:05:36,327
Absolutely, Bill.
144
00:05:36,426 --> 00:05:38,394
Thank you for the vote of confidence.
145
00:05:38,495 --> 00:05:40,630
Okay, everyone. Enough dillydally.
146
00:05:40,730 --> 00:05:42,299
I'm gonna get things started.
147
00:05:42,399 --> 00:05:43,867
John and Kate have definitely had sex.
148
00:05:43,966 --> 00:05:46,202
How do you know?
149
00:05:46,303 --> 00:05:48,137
Working in HR,
I've developed a sixth sense
150
00:05:48,238 --> 00:05:49,673
for people's sex lives.
151
00:05:49,772 --> 00:05:51,541
I'll bet there's a crazy Venn diagram
152
00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:53,043
of sexual encounters in this room.
153
00:05:53,142 --> 00:05:56,312
It is weird to think that all
these people wearing nice suits,
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00:05:56,413 --> 00:05:58,615
drinking coffee, talking calmly,
155
00:05:58,714 --> 00:06:02,118
have all had penises
and vaginas in their mouths.
156
00:06:02,219 --> 00:06:03,387
Literally, all of them.
157
00:06:03,486 --> 00:06:05,121
Tailored suit's the only thing
hiding the fact that
158
00:06:05,221 --> 00:06:06,555
we're all hairy mammals
with horrifying genitalia.
159
00:06:06,656 --> 00:06:09,425
I mean, yeah, my genitalia is fine,
160
00:06:09,526 --> 00:06:10,827
but I understand what you're saying.
161
00:06:10,926 --> 00:06:12,195
- My genitalia is horrifying.
- So...
162
00:06:12,296 --> 00:06:14,197
let's get...
163
00:06:14,298 --> 00:06:15,098
[SNICKERS]
164
00:06:15,197 --> 00:06:17,233
Ha-ha-ha.
165
00:06:17,334 --> 00:06:19,103
L-O-L. L-O-L.
166
00:06:19,202 --> 00:06:21,238
Very funny, guys.
167
00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:22,572
And blastoff!
168
00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:26,108
Let's start by asking a simple question:
169
00:06:26,209 --> 00:06:30,247
why are we here?
170
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Shouldn't you know the answer to that?
171
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Of course, Baron.
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Because that was a rhetorical question.
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Okay.
174
00:06:37,019 --> 00:06:39,455
We just need to brainstorm five ideas.
175
00:06:39,555 --> 00:06:41,425
But to be safe, let's come up with 50.
176
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- Let's make it 100!
- Any idea is welcome
177
00:06:43,358 --> 00:06:44,428
when brainstorming.
178
00:06:44,528 --> 00:06:45,729
Literally anything you say
will be discussed
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in detail without criticism.
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00:06:47,264 --> 00:06:49,566
My brain just stormed an idea.
181
00:06:49,666 --> 00:06:51,233
How about we call off this meeting
182
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until Christian gets back?
183
00:06:52,334 --> 00:06:53,570
Come on, that's a bad idea.
184
00:06:53,670 --> 00:06:55,906
I thought we weren't gonna
criticize ideas.
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Fine. Yeah. Let's put it on the board.
186
00:06:57,740 --> 00:06:59,875
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Any other ideas?
187
00:06:59,976 --> 00:07:01,345
We're going into a brainstorm hole.
188
00:07:01,445 --> 00:07:03,279
I can literally say anything right now.
189
00:07:03,379 --> 00:07:04,948
- Racism.
- Racism.
190
00:07:05,048 --> 00:07:05,949
- Great idea.
- Nice.
191
00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:07,550
Jesus Christ, this is a nightmare.
192
00:07:07,649 --> 00:07:08,917
What's that, Matt?
193
00:07:09,019 --> 00:07:11,120
Oh, I just said
that this is a nightmare.
194
00:07:11,221 --> 00:07:12,990
This is a nightmare. Great.
195
00:07:13,089 --> 00:07:15,058
You know, this reminds me
of when I was selling
196
00:07:15,158 --> 00:07:17,494
cigarettes wholesale
to health food stores
197
00:07:17,594 --> 00:07:19,062
back in the '70s.
198
00:07:19,163 --> 00:07:21,097
At the time, we didn't know
they were bad for you.
199
00:07:21,197 --> 00:07:23,899
Or, actually, we did know,
but we kept a lid on it.
200
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,502
Back then, you were allowed
to have secrets.
201
00:07:25,603 --> 00:07:29,038
Secrets from the government,
from your wife.
202
00:07:29,139 --> 00:07:30,440
It didn't matter!
203
00:07:30,539 --> 00:07:32,774
I hope my grandma died
doing what she loved most:
204
00:07:32,875 --> 00:07:35,178
sitting in her chair,
worrying that I'm gay.
205
00:07:35,278 --> 00:07:36,546
Your grandma's lucky.
206
00:07:36,646 --> 00:07:38,515
When you're dead, nobody
expects anything from you.
207
00:07:38,615 --> 00:07:40,050
Death is the retirement package you get
208
00:07:40,149 --> 00:07:41,717
for a lifetime full
of pain and suffering.
209
00:07:41,817 --> 00:07:43,921
That's why I say
you should always bring a gun
210
00:07:44,021 --> 00:07:44,988
to a knife fight,
211
00:07:45,087 --> 00:07:46,855
or a knife to a gun fight, if you wish.
212
00:07:46,956 --> 00:07:49,093
Now, you might die,
but at least no one can say
213
00:07:49,192 --> 00:07:51,928
you weren't interesting.
214
00:07:52,028 --> 00:07:53,096
Thank you...
215
00:07:53,195 --> 00:07:54,964
so much, Bill.
216
00:07:55,065 --> 00:07:56,266
Very helpful.
217
00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:57,601
Does anyone have a coherent idea?
218
00:08:01,937 --> 00:08:03,873
Hey, guys?
219
00:08:03,973 --> 00:08:04,973
Guys!
220
00:08:05,074 --> 00:08:06,810
Can we get off our phones and focus up?
221
00:08:06,909 --> 00:08:09,646
You know, we didn't
used to have phones in meetings.
222
00:08:09,747 --> 00:08:12,783
Back then, if you wanted
to send someone a nudie pic,
223
00:08:12,882 --> 00:08:15,752
you had to show up at their door
wearing just a trench coat
224
00:08:15,851 --> 00:08:18,120
and show them what you got!
225
00:08:18,221 --> 00:08:19,555
Your thoughts?
226
00:08:19,656 --> 00:08:21,757
Yeah, well, Bill makes
a good point here.
227
00:08:21,858 --> 00:08:22,759
Um...
228
00:08:22,858 --> 00:08:24,327
Oh.
229
00:08:24,428 --> 00:08:25,461
Here's an idea.
230
00:08:25,562 --> 00:08:26,796
How about we try something new
231
00:08:26,895 --> 00:08:29,264
and have everyone in the room
232
00:08:29,365 --> 00:08:31,067
put their phones
233
00:08:31,168 --> 00:08:32,168
in this box.
234
00:08:32,269 --> 00:08:33,504
- [SCREAMING]
- No!
235
00:08:34,887 --> 00:08:37,395
Thank you. You'll get it back
at the end of the semester.
236
00:08:37,582 --> 00:08:39,723
Having your phone taken away
from you is like having
237
00:08:39,776 --> 00:08:41,449
a civil liberty stripped away.
238
00:08:41,694 --> 00:08:43,429
It's just inhumane.
239
00:08:43,779 --> 00:08:45,048
Baron.
240
00:08:47,097 --> 00:08:48,151
Baron?
241
00:08:52,154 --> 00:08:53,573
Yeah.
242
00:08:54,323 --> 00:08:55,824
Thank you.
243
00:08:55,926 --> 00:08:56,826
Back pocket.
244
00:08:57,510 --> 00:08:59,763
And the other.
245
00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:05,134
Okay.
246
00:09:07,837 --> 00:09:09,939
Stand up.
247
00:09:10,039 --> 00:09:11,573
[CLEARS THROAT]
248
00:09:11,673 --> 00:09:13,610
Sorry I have to do this, but...
249
00:09:13,710 --> 00:09:15,945
just want to a have
a nice, focused meeting.
250
00:09:16,066 --> 00:09:18,836
Oh?
251
00:09:18,914 --> 00:09:21,918
[SCOFFS]
252
00:09:22,018 --> 00:09:24,288
That's mine.
253
00:09:24,388 --> 00:09:25,322
[PHONE BUZZING]
254
00:09:25,422 --> 00:09:26,923
My dad's finally responding.
255
00:09:27,023 --> 00:09:28,258
Oh. [GROANS]
256
00:09:28,357 --> 00:09:30,928
- [SCREAMING]
- [GROANS]
257
00:09:33,496 --> 00:09:34,830
Thank you.
258
00:09:34,931 --> 00:09:36,900
Now!
259
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,335
Where were we?
260
00:09:38,434 --> 00:09:39,635
Bill, you were saying something.
261
00:09:39,734 --> 00:09:42,489
Actually, uh, I was gonna say something.
262
00:09:42,591 --> 00:09:45,351
Yet here I am, saying something.
263
00:09:45,437 --> 00:09:47,830
This reminds me of
a time I was a child...
264
00:09:47,931 --> 00:09:49,099
- [EXHALES]
- And my mother said,
265
00:09:49,199 --> 00:09:50,476
"You'll never amount to anything,"
266
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:54,037
and I felt hurt till I realized
she was talking to my father.
267
00:09:54,137 --> 00:09:56,039
There he stood
with his party dress on...
268
00:09:56,138 --> 00:09:57,072
[EERIE TONE]
269
00:09:57,172 --> 00:09:58,910
Anyway...
270
00:09:59,051 --> 00:10:00,496
How long have we been here?
271
00:10:00,605 --> 00:10:02,949
Without our phones, there's no way
to measure the passage of time.
272
00:10:03,004 --> 00:10:05,402
It could be years, decades even.
273
00:10:05,566 --> 00:10:07,761
Okay! I think
we're really starting to get...
274
00:10:07,793 --> 00:10:08,760
somewhere.
275
00:10:08,852 --> 00:10:11,990
Christian should be back
any minute, so...
276
00:10:12,091 --> 00:10:13,358
let's just keep going.
277
00:10:13,457 --> 00:10:15,360
Maybe I'll kill him.
278
00:10:15,460 --> 00:10:18,697
Could I handle it emotionally, though?
279
00:10:18,797 --> 00:10:20,365
Yes.
280
00:10:20,465 --> 00:10:22,000
But how would I do it?
281
00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:23,368
Strangling.
282
00:10:23,467 --> 00:10:25,069
But why would I kill him?
283
00:10:25,169 --> 00:10:26,137
Because nature is a brutal mother,
284
00:10:26,237 --> 00:10:28,172
and everyone must die.
285
00:10:28,273 --> 00:10:29,474
Hm!
286
00:10:29,573 --> 00:10:31,242
There was so much I wanted to say
287
00:10:31,342 --> 00:10:33,544
to my grandma before she died.
288
00:10:33,644 --> 00:10:35,001
Actually, that's not true.
289
00:10:35,087 --> 00:10:36,719
We had nothing in common.
290
00:10:36,822 --> 00:10:39,389
Wait, am I even sad she's dead?
291
00:10:39,490 --> 00:10:41,392
Yes... I am.
292
00:10:41,490 --> 00:10:42,726
Okay, good.
293
00:10:42,827 --> 00:10:44,294
If anyone knew the horrible thoughts
294
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,564
in my head, I would 100% be in jail.
295
00:10:46,664 --> 00:10:48,598
Thank God nobody knows my thoughts.
296
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:50,302
But I guess on some level,
that also means
297
00:10:50,402 --> 00:10:51,803
I'll always be alone.
298
00:10:51,903 --> 00:10:54,572
- Oh, well.
- This meeting is bullshit
299
00:10:54,673 --> 00:10:56,510
and I deserve better than this.
300
00:10:56,570 --> 00:10:58,306
Maybe I don't.
301
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,245
Maybe I'm a loser and this is
exactly what I deserve.
302
00:11:01,346 --> 00:11:04,615
No, I'm not a loser.
303
00:11:04,716 --> 00:11:07,284
That's why I needed to do
ayahuasca this weekend:
304
00:11:07,385 --> 00:11:08,553
to learn that I'm not a loser.
305
00:11:08,653 --> 00:11:10,721
Why did I lie about the reason
306
00:11:10,822 --> 00:11:12,090
I'm getting Adele tickets?
307
00:11:12,189 --> 00:11:13,356
I love Adele.
308
00:11:13,457 --> 00:11:15,927
She sings directly to my soul.
309
00:11:16,027 --> 00:11:17,429
Why can't I admit the music I like?
310
00:11:17,529 --> 00:11:18,395
I'm in my 30s.
311
00:11:18,495 --> 00:11:19,630
It's time to be myself.
312
00:11:19,730 --> 00:11:23,301
I'm buying those tickets
for me, God damn it!
313
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:24,936
I gotta get out of this meeting.
314
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,839
[WACKY CARTOON MUSIC]
315
00:11:28,939 --> 00:11:32,142
? ?
316
00:11:32,243 --> 00:11:34,479
It's crazy that I can have thoughts
317
00:11:34,578 --> 00:11:36,747
while speaking out loud.
318
00:11:36,849 --> 00:11:38,950
But wait,
who am I speaking to right now?
319
00:11:39,049 --> 00:11:41,085
Myself?
320
00:11:41,186 --> 00:11:43,889
Because if I'm speaking to myself,
321
00:11:43,989 --> 00:11:45,423
who's doing the speaking?
322
00:11:45,523 --> 00:11:48,226
If I do propose,
323
00:11:48,327 --> 00:11:51,929
I'm going to do
something romantic, like...
324
00:11:52,029 --> 00:11:54,932
have a blunt conversation about
the bleak realities of marriage.
325
00:11:55,033 --> 00:11:56,601
[CHUCKLES]
326
00:11:56,701 --> 00:11:58,370
I don't know how I started
talking about that.
327
00:11:58,470 --> 00:11:59,237
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE] Did someone even...
328
00:11:59,336 --> 00:12:00,270
who said marriage?
329
00:12:00,370 --> 00:12:01,439
Absolutely.
330
00:12:01,539 --> 00:12:02,373
Okay, everyone.
331
00:12:02,474 --> 00:12:04,208
Let's get back on track
332
00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:06,110
and discuss the five ideas
333
00:12:06,211 --> 00:12:07,144
that Christian asked for.
334
00:12:07,245 --> 00:12:08,846
Kate, I gotta stop you right there
335
00:12:08,946 --> 00:12:11,115
'cause I have something to say,
and my voice is deeper
336
00:12:11,216 --> 00:12:12,483
and louder than yours.
337
00:12:12,582 --> 00:12:14,084
So here we go!
338
00:12:14,184 --> 00:12:16,053
I'm sad the only dating
options for my grandma
339
00:12:16,154 --> 00:12:17,522
were men like Bill.
340
00:12:17,623 --> 00:12:19,057
It hasn't gotten much better.
341
00:12:19,157 --> 00:12:21,559
Now the options are men
like you and Jake.
342
00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:23,294
- Great point.
- So then I said to him,
343
00:12:23,394 --> 00:12:26,597
"Son, your mother and I
are getting a divorce,
344
00:12:26,697 --> 00:12:30,134
and it is your fault,
so please apologize to us."
345
00:12:30,234 --> 00:12:31,603
And to his credit, he did.
346
00:12:31,702 --> 00:12:34,271
I haven't talked to him in years.
347
00:12:34,371 --> 00:12:35,405
[ELECTRONIC TUNE]
348
00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:36,908
Often wondered what happened to him...
349
00:12:37,008 --> 00:12:42,948
? ?
350
00:12:50,187 --> 00:12:53,357
[KEYS CLACKING]
351
00:12:53,457 --> 00:12:57,328
? ?
352
00:12:57,428 --> 00:12:59,297
[SCREAMING]
353
00:12:59,397 --> 00:13:01,233
? ?
354
00:13:01,332 --> 00:13:03,567
Okay, I think I figured out
355
00:13:03,668 --> 00:13:05,303
who all has had sex in this room.
356
00:13:05,403 --> 00:13:06,471
Who?
357
00:13:06,571 --> 00:13:07,706
Those two are currently having sex,
358
00:13:07,806 --> 00:13:09,674
but trying to play it cool.
359
00:13:09,774 --> 00:13:11,076
The point is that marriage...
360
00:13:11,176 --> 00:13:12,410
Who else?
361
00:13:12,510 --> 00:13:15,079
She wants to have sex with...
362
00:13:15,179 --> 00:13:16,847
something...
363
00:13:16,947 --> 00:13:19,683
and he wants to have sex with me.
364
00:13:19,783 --> 00:13:21,718
And connect the dots previous,
365
00:13:21,820 --> 00:13:23,754
and it's not just the ideas
that live within,
366
00:13:23,855 --> 00:13:27,392
ideas that are critical
to examine in a deep way,
367
00:13:27,491 --> 00:13:29,793
but it's also the peripheral ideas
368
00:13:29,894 --> 00:13:32,831
that kind of live next to the main idea,
369
00:13:32,931 --> 00:13:34,499
if you know what I mean.
370
00:13:34,599 --> 00:13:35,733
[SPOOKY TUNE]
371
00:13:35,833 --> 00:13:37,468
If you think of
the main ideas being a city,
372
00:13:37,568 --> 00:13:39,636
the other ideas are suburbs,
or sub-ideas, in a way,
373
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:43,106
and to unpack that notion just a bit...
374
00:13:43,207 --> 00:13:44,775
[SOUND DISTORTING]
You have to kind of unpack
375
00:13:44,875 --> 00:13:46,178
the term "unpack."
376
00:13:46,278 --> 00:13:49,214
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]
377
00:13:49,313 --> 00:13:51,216
? ?
378
00:13:51,316 --> 00:13:53,451
Hi there, Matt.
379
00:13:53,551 --> 00:13:56,588
Just to give you a heads up,
I'm dead and in heaven.
380
00:13:56,687 --> 00:13:59,256
[CHUCKLES] Ah, just kidding.
381
00:13:59,356 --> 00:14:01,458
Heaven isn't real.
382
00:14:01,558 --> 00:14:03,293
Anyway, I came here to tell you
383
00:14:03,394 --> 00:14:05,797
you are wasting your life,
384
00:14:05,897 --> 00:14:07,999
but more importantly, honey,
385
00:14:08,099 --> 00:14:10,535
your hair is a mess. [CHUCKLES]
386
00:14:10,634 --> 00:14:12,803
I wish you'd comb your hair.
387
00:14:12,904 --> 00:14:15,807
You look so much nicer
when you comb your hair.
388
00:14:15,907 --> 00:14:17,841
[GASPS] Maybe if you combed your hair,
389
00:14:17,942 --> 00:14:19,610
you'd be able to get laid.
390
00:14:19,710 --> 00:14:22,814
Don't you want to get laid, Matt?
391
00:14:22,913 --> 00:14:26,451
So that concludes
the story of how I got laid
392
00:14:26,551 --> 00:14:28,319
by Margaret Thatcher.
393
00:14:28,418 --> 00:14:30,355
Great at sex, but...
394
00:14:30,455 --> 00:14:32,194
terrible at politics.
395
00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:34,835
Freedom is...
396
00:14:35,427 --> 00:14:36,494
slavery.
397
00:14:36,594 --> 00:14:38,096
Okay.
398
00:14:38,196 --> 00:14:39,931
I think we're finally starting
to make some progress here.
399
00:14:40,030 --> 00:14:42,032
It's cruel to keep us here in this room.
400
00:14:42,134 --> 00:14:43,734
- [RAPID HEARTBEAT]
- I gotta get out of here
401
00:14:43,833 --> 00:14:45,068
and call my family.
402
00:14:45,168 --> 00:14:47,271
Why are they keeping us trapped in here?
403
00:14:47,371 --> 00:14:48,205
[YELLS] Why?
404
00:14:51,375 --> 00:14:53,912
Why are we here?
405
00:14:54,011 --> 00:14:55,878
Why are we pretending
406
00:14:55,879 --> 00:14:59,016
all this is not a total waste of time?
407
00:14:59,116 --> 00:15:00,885
What are we doing with our lives?
408
00:15:00,985 --> 00:15:03,821
We're alive for a blink of an eye,
409
00:15:03,922 --> 00:15:07,926
and yet we spend it
working in jobs we hate
410
00:15:08,025 --> 00:15:10,460
to fill the pockets of
rich megalomaniacs
411
00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:12,629
who treat us like cattle!
412
00:15:12,730 --> 00:15:15,500
We're all just fucking cattle!
413
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:17,869
Just eating grass and shitting
414
00:15:17,969 --> 00:15:20,705
and... and waiting to be slaughtered.
415
00:15:20,806 --> 00:15:21,940
Fuck that.
416
00:15:22,039 --> 00:15:23,640
Can we please get some security in here?
417
00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:26,278
Fucking fuck that. [LAUGHS]
418
00:15:26,378 --> 00:15:27,445
[TENSE MUSIC]
419
00:15:27,544 --> 00:15:29,112
Quit your job...
420
00:15:29,212 --> 00:15:32,283
sell your home, and live in the woods!
421
00:15:32,383 --> 00:15:34,317
You'll probably die because you
don't know survival skills,
422
00:15:34,418 --> 00:15:35,053
but who cares?
423
00:15:35,153 --> 00:15:36,654
You're gonna die anyway.
424
00:15:36,754 --> 00:15:37,923
? ?
425
00:15:38,023 --> 00:15:40,392
Am I the only one who thinks that?
426
00:15:40,491 --> 00:15:42,192
Am I crazy?
427
00:15:42,293 --> 00:15:43,494
No!
428
00:15:43,594 --> 00:15:45,830
I think, in fact,
I am the only sane one here.
429
00:15:45,929 --> 00:15:48,132
Am I wrong, or am I right?
430
00:15:48,232 --> 00:15:49,500
What happened? You could've left.
431
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,436
- You were free.
- I realized I have no idea
432
00:15:51,535 --> 00:15:53,103
what my parents' numbers are
without being able to
433
00:15:53,203 --> 00:15:54,371
look them up on my phone.
434
00:15:54,471 --> 00:15:55,573
[YELLS] Why?
435
00:15:55,673 --> 00:15:56,942
Why? [SOBBING]
436
00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:02,847
Okay then!
437
00:16:02,947 --> 00:16:04,148
I have an idea.
438
00:16:04,248 --> 00:16:06,017
How about we take a little mental break
439
00:16:06,116 --> 00:16:08,019
and watch a funny YouTube?
440
00:16:08,119 --> 00:16:09,519
[INTENSE TONE]
441
00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:10,822
I'm a little cucumber.
442
00:16:10,922 --> 00:16:12,824
I'm a little cucumber.
443
00:16:12,923 --> 00:16:14,826
I'm a little cucumber.
444
00:16:14,926 --> 00:16:16,461
I'm a little cucumber.
445
00:16:16,561 --> 00:16:17,829
I'm a little cucumber.
446
00:16:17,928 --> 00:16:18,996
Oh, me? I'm a little cucumber.
447
00:16:19,096 --> 00:16:22,132
- [AMBIENT HUM]
- I'm a little cucumber.
448
00:16:22,232 --> 00:16:24,835
I'm a little cucumber.
449
00:16:24,936 --> 00:16:27,839
I'm a little cucumber!
450
00:16:27,938 --> 00:16:29,973
[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
451
00:16:30,073 --> 00:16:31,808
- I'm a little cucumber.
- I'm a little cucumber.
452
00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:34,144
I'm a little cucumber.
453
00:16:34,245 --> 00:16:35,145
[DEMONIC VOICE] I'm a cucumber.
454
00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:36,447
I'm a little cucumber.
455
00:16:36,548 --> 00:16:39,149
How long have we been watching
YouTube videos?
456
00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:40,751
- A lifetime.
- I'm a little cucumber.
457
00:16:40,851 --> 00:16:42,886
I think I'm having an anxiety attack.
458
00:16:42,986 --> 00:16:44,855
- Try taking a deep breath.
- [INHALES]
459
00:16:44,956 --> 00:16:46,658
[EXHALES] I still feel the same.
460
00:16:46,758 --> 00:16:49,394
Oh, well, I guess that's just
what your life is now.
461
00:16:49,494 --> 00:16:50,428
Oh, my God.
462
00:16:50,528 --> 00:16:52,397
What if I did go on that ayahuasca trip
463
00:16:52,496 --> 00:16:55,365
and this is how it's
manifesting itself in my mind?
464
00:16:55,466 --> 00:16:57,101
I'm a little cucumber,
I'm a little cucumber,
465
00:16:57,201 --> 00:16:59,569
I'm a little cucumber. Ho-ho-ho!
466
00:16:59,671 --> 00:17:01,639
- Is this even real?
- I'm a little cucumber.
467
00:17:01,739 --> 00:17:04,509
Are you even real?
468
00:17:04,608 --> 00:17:07,144
I'm a little cucumber.
469
00:17:07,244 --> 00:17:08,645
Hey, it's me, Little Cucumber.
470
00:17:08,747 --> 00:17:09,747
Thank you so much for watching.
471
00:17:09,846 --> 00:17:11,749
Don't forget to subscribe!
472
00:17:11,849 --> 00:17:14,117
That's it?
473
00:17:14,218 --> 00:17:16,787
What the fuck was that?
474
00:17:16,886 --> 00:17:20,392
Who suggested that video?
475
00:17:20,491 --> 00:17:21,492
Mary!
476
00:17:21,593 --> 00:17:23,628
What was supposed to be
funny about that?
477
00:17:23,728 --> 00:17:26,230
Can you explain to me
what was funny about that video?
478
00:17:26,329 --> 00:17:28,131
Ooh! I have one more we have to watch.
479
00:17:28,231 --> 00:17:30,667
No, John! [HYSTERICAL CHUCKLE]
No more YouTube videos.
480
00:17:30,768 --> 00:17:32,170
I was trying to give us a break.
481
00:17:32,269 --> 00:17:33,570
We don't need a break.
482
00:17:33,671 --> 00:17:35,605
We need to get back to work
before Christian gets here.
483
00:17:35,707 --> 00:17:37,475
That's what I've been saying
this entire time.
484
00:17:37,575 --> 00:17:39,778
- Right, Bill? Oh.
- This is incredible.
485
00:17:39,877 --> 00:17:41,078
Okay, John, with all due respect,
486
00:17:41,179 --> 00:17:42,714
you have zero leadership abilities.
487
00:17:42,814 --> 00:17:44,949
Oh, is that right? Here it comes.
488
00:17:45,048 --> 00:17:46,250
- I have no leadership abilities?
- Yeah.
489
00:17:46,349 --> 00:17:48,919
You were put in charge of
this meeting, too, Kate,
490
00:17:49,019 --> 00:17:50,221
and look where we're at.
491
00:17:50,321 --> 00:17:51,889
The word "racism" is
written on the board twice!
492
00:17:51,990 --> 00:17:54,325
That's right, I was put
in charge and you stepped over.
493
00:17:54,424 --> 00:17:57,294
Did I step over, or was it
more like a step up to the plate
494
00:17:57,394 --> 00:17:59,297
- to lead a dominating meeting?
- You stepped on that...
495
00:17:59,396 --> 00:18:02,232
Did I crush the plate, or was
the plate meant to be crushed?
496
00:18:02,333 --> 00:18:05,003
- [RETCHING]
- [ALL GASP]
497
00:18:05,103 --> 00:18:06,003
I did it.
498
00:18:06,104 --> 00:18:07,205
- Jesus Christ, Baron.
- [GAGS]
499
00:18:07,305 --> 00:18:09,140
Go home and take care of yourself.
500
00:18:11,808 --> 00:18:13,577
It's okay, it's okay.
501
00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:15,946
[WHISPERS] Adele...
502
00:18:16,047 --> 00:18:17,949
[GAGS] Come on, guys, let's...
503
00:18:18,048 --> 00:18:19,349
Genius.
504
00:18:19,450 --> 00:18:20,751
Let's get back to work, please.
505
00:18:20,852 --> 00:18:23,321
Where's the marker?
506
00:18:23,421 --> 00:18:25,923
- Who has the marker?
- Who stole the marker?
507
00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:27,357
Guys, this isn't funny.
508
00:18:27,458 --> 00:18:29,326
Morgan, did you take the marker?
509
00:18:29,425 --> 00:18:31,361
Morgan, why is your hand in your pocket?
510
00:18:31,461 --> 00:18:35,700
BOTH: Morgan, take your hand
out of your pocket right now!
511
00:18:35,799 --> 00:18:37,367
[BIRD CHIRPS]
512
00:18:37,468 --> 00:18:38,936
Oh, my God. It's a bird.
513
00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:40,070
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
514
00:18:40,171 --> 00:18:41,172
Hi, bird.
515
00:18:41,271 --> 00:18:42,139
[BIRD CHIRPS]
516
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:43,574
How did it get in here?
517
00:18:43,673 --> 00:18:45,542
It must have flown in when Baron left.
518
00:18:45,644 --> 00:18:47,969
- Should we do something?
- Maybe it's hungry.
519
00:18:48,024 --> 00:18:50,214
No, it's okay. It knows what to do.
520
00:18:50,315 --> 00:18:52,917
It got in here, it can
get back out if it wants.
521
00:18:53,017 --> 00:18:54,486
It's amazing.
522
00:18:54,586 --> 00:18:57,259
I feel like we're experiencing
something really special.
523
00:18:57,330 --> 00:18:58,865
- [BIRD CHIRPS]
- [CRUNCH, ALL GASPING]
524
00:18:58,890 --> 00:18:59,957
What?
525
00:19:00,057 --> 00:19:01,393
Got him.
526
00:19:03,961 --> 00:19:05,063
That bird is so lucky.
527
00:19:05,163 --> 00:19:06,998
It only had to be in
this meeting for a minute,
528
00:19:07,097 --> 00:19:10,867
- and then it got to die.
- Grandma Dorothy loved birds.
529
00:19:10,968 --> 00:19:12,870
Oh, wait, no, she didn't.
That was my other grandma.
530
00:19:12,970 --> 00:19:13,971
Grandma Dorothy hated birds.
531
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,138
[SHARP EXHALE]
532
00:19:15,239 --> 00:19:16,941
God, I wish she was here to see this.
533
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:18,775
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
534
00:19:18,875 --> 00:19:21,045
Ever since that bird died
one minute ago...
535
00:19:21,144 --> 00:19:22,246
- Hm.
- I started thinking about
536
00:19:22,346 --> 00:19:24,449
my own mortality,
537
00:19:24,548 --> 00:19:25,750
and...
538
00:19:25,849 --> 00:19:28,252
I'm just really sorry that
I acted the way I did.
539
00:19:28,353 --> 00:19:30,121
Why not we just do what we do best:
540
00:19:30,221 --> 00:19:32,256
suppress our emotions
541
00:19:32,355 --> 00:19:34,592
and pretend like this never happened?
542
00:19:34,692 --> 00:19:36,560
[CHUCKLES]
543
00:19:36,661 --> 00:19:38,563
[SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
544
00:19:38,663 --> 00:19:40,631
Sorry I was out for so long.
545
00:19:40,730 --> 00:19:42,567
Bill...
546
00:19:42,666 --> 00:19:44,067
[EXHALES]
547
00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:45,402
I didn't expect you to stay this late.
548
00:19:45,502 --> 00:19:46,770
How're you holding up?
549
00:19:46,871 --> 00:19:49,107
I killed a big bug.
550
00:19:49,207 --> 00:19:50,675
- Excellent work, Bill.
- Thank you.
551
00:19:50,775 --> 00:19:52,743
So!
552
00:19:52,843 --> 00:19:55,212
Let's see what you guys came up with.
553
00:19:55,313 --> 00:19:56,414
Ah...
554
00:19:56,513 --> 00:19:57,648
a lot of ideas here.
555
00:19:58,648 --> 00:20:00,549
Uh... huh...
556
00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:02,720
? ?
557
00:20:02,819 --> 00:20:04,355
You know, I don't like any of them.
558
00:20:04,454 --> 00:20:06,790
We'll pick up tomorrow
where we left off.
559
00:20:06,891 --> 00:20:09,159
- Bill, let's go to dinner.
- Yeah, I could eat dinner.
560
00:20:09,259 --> 00:20:11,062
Then after, I know a place
561
00:20:11,162 --> 00:20:12,896
that gives great groin massages.
562
00:20:12,998 --> 00:20:14,932
- It's called a public library.
- [CHUCKLING]
563
00:20:15,032 --> 00:20:16,933
Anyway, here we go!
564
00:20:17,034 --> 00:20:18,269
So...
565
00:20:18,368 --> 00:20:20,103
I guess everyone can have
their phones back now.
566
00:20:20,203 --> 00:20:26,176
? ?
567
00:20:26,277 --> 00:20:27,711
So let me get this straight,
Grandma Dorothy.
568
00:20:27,811 --> 00:20:29,480
You wanted me to watch
a funny YouTube video,
569
00:20:29,580 --> 00:20:32,382
so you told my mom and dad to call me?
570
00:20:32,482 --> 00:20:33,850
Why didn't you just send them the link?
571
00:20:33,951 --> 00:20:35,420
? ?
572
00:20:35,519 --> 00:20:38,462
You were gonna have them spell
it out on the phone to me?
573
00:20:38,719 --> 00:20:40,391
What's the video?
574
00:20:40,490 --> 00:20:42,692
I've already seen
"I'm a little cucumber."
575
00:20:42,792 --> 00:20:44,027
? ?
576
00:20:44,127 --> 00:20:46,163
No, I don't know if the woman
in the video is single.
577
00:20:46,262 --> 00:20:47,798
? ?
578
00:20:47,898 --> 00:20:50,534
No, I'm not going to
ask her out on a date.
579
00:20:50,634 --> 00:20:52,502
It's none of your business
how much I'm getting laid.
580
00:20:52,603 --> 00:20:53,537
How much are you getting laid?
581
00:20:53,636 --> 00:20:54,904
That's my question.
582
00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:55,906
? ?
583
00:20:56,006 --> 00:20:56,941
Well, then, don't ask me!
584
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:57,908
? ?
585
00:20:58,009 --> 00:20:59,644
[MUSIC WARPS]
586
00:21:00,099 --> 00:21:02,339
And you guys know I'm a language guy.
587
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,076
And a math guy. Um...
588
00:21:04,382 --> 00:21:06,616
I don't know... I know that...
589
00:21:06,718 --> 00:21:07,919
Kate knows that I went to Yale.
590
00:21:08,019 --> 00:21:11,387
Uh, and I know Larry knows
I went to Yale.
591
00:21:11,489 --> 00:21:13,257
Bill, uh, I don't know if
I've told you this,
592
00:21:13,356 --> 00:21:14,759
but I actually went to Yale.
593
00:21:14,809 --> 00:21:19,359
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