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00:00:00,109 --> 00:00:03,680
[MELLOW JAZZY MUSIC]
2
00:00:04,702 --> 00:00:07,571
Oh, I'll have a Bloody Mary. Thanks.
3
00:00:07,703 --> 00:00:09,405
Oh, I wonder if the hotel has a pool.
4
00:00:09,498 --> 00:00:11,316
Matt, no. I forbid you to go swimming.
5
00:00:11,372 --> 00:00:13,855
This is the corporate retreat,
not MTV's Spring Break.
6
00:00:13,887 --> 00:00:16,129
Jake, this is the closest
I've had to a vacation in years.
7
00:00:16,191 --> 00:00:17,493
All I wanna do is have some fun
8
00:00:17,587 --> 00:00:19,122
and maybe drunkenly say something
9
00:00:19,221 --> 00:00:20,790
way too personal to a coworker
that I'll always regret.
10
00:00:20,890 --> 00:00:22,559
Matt, look. This weekend
is about one thing:
11
00:00:22,658 --> 00:00:24,893
forming superficial
relationships with people
12
00:00:24,994 --> 00:00:27,830
you can exploit in the future.
It's called networking.
13
00:00:27,931 --> 00:00:30,299
"Shirley Moser, SVP Marketing.
14
00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:32,134
"Son banned from Wal-Mart
15
00:00:32,234 --> 00:00:34,970
after Sudafed incident"? What is this?
16
00:00:35,071 --> 00:00:36,539
It's everyone I met at
last year's retreat.
17
00:00:36,639 --> 00:00:38,072
Names, emails, and one
dark secret per person
18
00:00:38,173 --> 00:00:39,508
for possible future blackmailing.
19
00:00:39,608 --> 00:00:42,111
Well, you're a well-organized sociopath.
20
00:00:42,212 --> 00:00:43,812
If you're over 30 and
don't have a spreadsheet
21
00:00:43,913 --> 00:00:45,514
of everyone you've ever met,
you're behind in life.
22
00:00:45,614 --> 00:00:48,084
I'm so bad with names. And faces.
23
00:00:48,184 --> 00:00:50,352
I have close friends
whose names I don't know.
24
00:00:50,453 --> 00:00:52,855
- [PLANE RUMBLES, SHOUTING]
- Oh, my God!
25
00:00:52,955 --> 00:00:54,090
[ALARMS BLARING]
26
00:00:54,190 --> 00:00:56,125
I knew it! I knew our pilot sucked.
27
00:00:56,225 --> 00:00:57,559
He was too folksy on the PA.
28
00:00:57,660 --> 00:00:59,795
Jake, I just want you
to know that you're
29
00:00:59,895 --> 00:01:03,098
my best friend... at work.
You're my best work friend.
30
00:01:03,199 --> 00:01:04,867
Oh, my God! I've wasted my whole life!
31
00:01:04,967 --> 00:01:07,770
[RUMBLING STOPS, ENGINE WHOOSHES]
32
00:01:07,869 --> 00:01:08,770
[WEAKLY] I forgive you.
33
00:01:08,870 --> 00:01:11,206
Are we... okay?
34
00:01:11,307 --> 00:01:12,942
- [STATIC CRACKLES OVER PA]
- [OVER PA] Good news.
35
00:01:13,042 --> 00:01:14,810
That crash you just experienced
36
00:01:14,911 --> 00:01:17,314
was just a simulation.
37
00:01:17,414 --> 00:01:20,783
Surprise! And our apologies
if you were traumatized.
38
00:01:20,883 --> 00:01:22,452
Fun fact: Coworkers who have co-survived
39
00:01:22,551 --> 00:01:24,753
a near-death experience are more bonded
40
00:01:24,854 --> 00:01:27,590
than coworkers who have
not almost co-died together.
41
00:01:27,690 --> 00:01:31,461
So, congrats! Oh,
and if your final thoughts
42
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,562
weren't of Hampton DeVille,
then you've got a lot
43
00:01:34,663 --> 00:01:37,287
of work to do this weekend.
Happy retreat!
44
00:01:37,312 --> 00:01:40,569
[ROCK MUSIC]
45
00:01:40,670 --> 00:01:46,610
? ?
46
00:01:50,434 --> 00:01:56,130
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
47
00:01:56,852 --> 00:02:00,739
Hello, and welcome,
Hampton DeVillionaires...
48
00:02:00,786 --> 00:02:01,657
[CHUCKLES]
49
00:02:01,757 --> 00:02:03,225
To the first day of the rest
50
00:02:03,325 --> 00:02:04,293
of your corporate lives.
51
00:02:04,393 --> 00:02:05,861
Now, go ahead, put your hands together
52
00:02:05,961 --> 00:02:07,697
for "Inside Trader" magazine's
53
00:02:07,797 --> 00:02:10,098
most motivating motivational speakers
54
00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:15,003
of 2012, 2013, and 2K-16...
55
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BOTH: Jeff and Gretchen Palmer!
56
00:02:18,274 --> 00:02:19,307
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
57
00:02:19,408 --> 00:02:20,709
[PULSING DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
58
00:02:20,810 --> 00:02:26,316
? ?
59
00:02:26,416 --> 00:02:28,817
Re-certivity!
60
00:02:28,918 --> 00:02:29,885
Re-turbulation.
61
00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:31,687
Acrownting.
62
00:02:31,787 --> 00:02:32,755
Analystix.
63
00:02:32,854 --> 00:02:36,858
- Constanceuance.
- Inter-trans-deviation.
64
00:02:36,959 --> 00:02:38,828
BOTH: Sporg.
65
00:02:38,928 --> 00:02:42,031
None of those words
made any sense, right?
66
00:02:42,131 --> 00:02:44,265
But you listened to them. Why?
67
00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,234
Because we said them with confidence.
68
00:02:46,335 --> 00:02:47,502
[LAUGHTER]
69
00:02:47,603 --> 00:02:49,338
- [MOCK CHUCKLING]
- That's not funny.
70
00:02:49,438 --> 00:02:50,906
Just laugh. If you
pretend to be brainwashed,
71
00:02:51,007 --> 00:02:53,309
they can't brainwash you.
[FAKE LAUGHING]
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00:02:53,408 --> 00:02:55,377
"Team." That's a real word,
isn't it, Jeff?
73
00:02:55,478 --> 00:02:58,180
That's right, Gretch.
In fact, every corporation
74
00:02:58,280 --> 00:02:59,747
is kind of like a team, right?
75
00:02:59,848 --> 00:03:01,851
Hell, every marriage
is like a team, right, hon?
76
00:03:01,950 --> 00:03:06,021
And my husband Jeff and I
are the ultimate team.
77
00:03:06,121 --> 00:03:07,923
Do you wanna know why?
78
00:03:08,024 --> 00:03:10,459
Do you want to know why?
79
00:03:10,559 --> 00:03:13,062
Because we are total...
80
00:03:13,162 --> 00:03:15,031
BOTH: AHOLEs!
81
00:03:15,131 --> 00:03:16,132
That's right!
82
00:03:16,232 --> 00:03:18,434
"Alphas Who Only Like Excellence."
83
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That's what we are,
and that's what you can be.
84
00:03:21,637 --> 00:03:26,309
Who out there, Hampton DeVille,
wants to be an AHOLE?
85
00:03:26,408 --> 00:03:28,911
Come on! Anybody?
86
00:03:29,012 --> 00:03:30,712
What are you doing? Never participate.
87
00:03:30,812 --> 00:03:32,881
Hey, how about you? All right, this guy!
88
00:03:32,982 --> 00:03:36,151
[APPLAUSE]
89
00:03:36,252 --> 00:03:38,788
All right, look at
this big, tall giraffe.
90
00:03:38,888 --> 00:03:39,922
[LAUGHTER] Okay?
91
00:03:40,021 --> 00:03:42,224
Tell everyone your name,
you big, tall giraffe.
92
00:03:42,324 --> 00:03:43,992
Uh, it's Matt. [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
93
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Human being, not a giraffe.
94
00:03:48,263 --> 00:03:51,132
All right. Hey, took a lot of courage
95
00:03:51,233 --> 00:03:52,602
to volunteer like that, Matt.
96
00:03:52,702 --> 00:03:55,103
Oh, yeah, no. I mean,
all I did was raise my hand.
97
00:03:55,204 --> 00:03:56,472
It's not rocket science, right?
98
00:03:59,245 --> 00:04:01,452
Okay, Matt. Um, let's go ahead,
99
00:04:01,543 --> 00:04:03,446
and let's do a little hypothetical.
100
00:04:03,545 --> 00:04:06,382
Let's say you're at
a restaurant, and you find
101
00:04:06,482 --> 00:04:08,550
a little hair inside of your food.
102
00:04:08,650 --> 00:04:10,452
How do you handle that situation?
103
00:04:10,553 --> 00:04:13,622
Oh, I mean, I'd probably
just take the hair out
104
00:04:13,723 --> 00:04:14,990
and still eat the food.
105
00:04:15,091 --> 00:04:17,093
I don't sweat the small stuff.
106
00:04:17,192 --> 00:04:18,426
- Oh.
- Wow.
107
00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:19,728
Wow. That truly is amazing.
108
00:04:19,829 --> 00:04:21,596
Let's applaud for that. That's amazing.
109
00:04:21,697 --> 00:04:25,935
Yeah, yeah. That's amazing.
You know why it's amazing?
110
00:04:26,034 --> 00:04:28,936
'Cause I've never seen
raw human dog shit talk.
111
00:04:29,038 --> 00:04:30,573
[LAUGHTER]
112
00:04:30,673 --> 00:04:33,408
- What?
- Whoa, he keeps making noises!
113
00:04:33,509 --> 00:04:35,077
This is some talkative dog shit.
114
00:04:35,177 --> 00:04:36,444
[FAKE LAUGHING]
115
00:04:36,545 --> 00:04:37,713
Seriously, Matt.
116
00:04:37,812 --> 00:04:39,882
I mean, you must really
think of yourself as
117
00:04:39,981 --> 00:04:43,017
unflushed toilet water
to think that you deserve
118
00:04:43,117 --> 00:04:45,454
to eat food with hair in it.
119
00:04:45,555 --> 00:04:47,924
I think that it is clear to me,
120
00:04:48,024 --> 00:04:51,160
to my baby Jeff,
to everyone in this room,
121
00:04:51,259 --> 00:04:53,396
that you are a very weak person.
122
00:04:53,495 --> 00:04:54,896
Would you agree with that statement?
123
00:04:54,997 --> 00:04:56,699
No, I don't think so.
124
00:04:56,798 --> 00:04:59,200
Wrong answer, toilet giraffe.
125
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,536
But guess what? We are gonna mold you
126
00:05:01,637 --> 00:05:05,675
from a weak pile of dog shit into an...
127
00:05:05,774 --> 00:05:08,077
- BOTH: AHOLE!
- Yeah!
128
00:05:08,177 --> 00:05:09,444
[PULSING DANCE MUSIC]
129
00:05:09,545 --> 00:05:12,449
Yeah! Come on, guys.
130
00:05:13,682 --> 00:05:15,317
Am I a weak person?
131
00:05:15,418 --> 00:05:16,852
Well, you're definitely weak.
132
00:05:16,952 --> 00:05:18,387
I don't know if you're a person.
133
00:05:18,487 --> 00:05:21,357
I just always thought
of myself as confident.
134
00:05:21,456 --> 00:05:22,791
You think I'm confident, right, Jake?
135
00:05:22,892 --> 00:05:25,161
- No.
- Okay, that's fair.
136
00:05:25,260 --> 00:05:26,328
Now let's get dressed.
137
00:05:26,428 --> 00:05:27,695
We're going to the networking mixer.
138
00:05:27,796 --> 00:05:29,597
[SIGHS] I'm not really
in a networking mood.
139
00:05:29,699 --> 00:05:31,699
The whole company thinks
I'm a toilet giraffe.
140
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,502
I think I'm just gonna go to the pool.
141
00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:34,904
Nobody's ever in a networking mood.
142
00:05:35,004 --> 00:05:36,605
It's just something we do to survive,
143
00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:38,407
like lying to your therapist.
144
00:05:38,507 --> 00:05:41,175
Now let's go trick
some people into liking us.
145
00:05:41,276 --> 00:05:45,180
[SIGHS] Oh... Okay.
146
00:05:45,281 --> 00:05:48,184
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
147
00:05:48,283 --> 00:05:51,086
? ?
148
00:05:51,187 --> 00:05:52,822
And how's that lovely
girlfriend of yours, Seth?
149
00:05:52,921 --> 00:05:54,822
And how's that adorable son
of yours, Connie?
150
00:05:54,923 --> 00:05:56,625
And how's your prostate, Jerry?
151
00:05:56,726 --> 00:05:59,095
And how's that adorable little
daughter of yours, Melanie?
152
00:05:59,194 --> 00:06:02,230
Dead. And my name is Julie.
153
00:06:02,331 --> 00:06:03,499
? Oh, my God ?
154
00:06:03,598 --> 00:06:05,101
? Did I just say that aloud? ?
155
00:06:05,201 --> 00:06:07,570
? Should have known
in this kind of place ?
156
00:06:07,670 --> 00:06:09,271
? That sort of thing
just wasn't allowed ?
157
00:06:09,372 --> 00:06:11,473
? Should have known by... ?
158
00:06:11,574 --> 00:06:12,708
Do you guys like politics, or...
159
00:06:12,807 --> 00:06:14,476
Do you wanna network with me?
160
00:06:14,577 --> 00:06:16,745
- Great.
- You know what, never mind.
161
00:06:16,846 --> 00:06:17,780
? ?
162
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:22,250
[MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
163
00:06:22,351 --> 00:06:24,286
I'm sorry, I don't know
why I'm apologizing so much,
164
00:06:24,385 --> 00:06:26,755
but I've been saying sorry
to a lot of people tonight.
165
00:06:26,855 --> 00:06:28,591
? ?
166
00:06:28,690 --> 00:06:31,593
Hopefully we can be
business partners, or...
167
00:06:31,694 --> 00:06:33,329
We can stay in touch.
We'll stay in touch.
168
00:06:33,428 --> 00:06:36,231
I'll put you in an Excel spreadsheet.
169
00:06:36,331 --> 00:06:42,271
? ?
170
00:06:44,339 --> 00:06:46,642
? Like I give a ?
171
00:06:46,742 --> 00:06:49,312
? Like I give a shit about that ?
172
00:06:49,411 --> 00:06:50,746
? Like I give a ?
173
00:06:50,846 --> 00:06:53,081
? Like I give a shit about that ?
174
00:06:53,182 --> 00:06:58,754
? ?
175
00:06:58,853 --> 00:06:59,955
Nice talking to you, Tim,
176
00:07:00,055 --> 00:07:01,356
and good luck with your worm farm!
177
00:07:01,456 --> 00:07:04,459
Hey, my contacts!
178
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,795
Pssh. Bill Patterson?
He'll give his card
179
00:07:06,896 --> 00:07:09,131
- to the bathroom attendant.
- Well, I have a comprehensive
180
00:07:09,231 --> 00:07:11,199
Excel spreadsheet
with over 500 names, emails,
181
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:13,502
and personal details, so
I think I know how to network.
182
00:07:13,603 --> 00:07:17,006
Excel, huh? That's cute.
I use Google Docs myself
183
00:07:17,105 --> 00:07:18,975
'cause I'm actually serious
about networking.
184
00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:24,279
"Jake Levinson, Junior
Executive in Training."
185
00:07:24,379 --> 00:07:25,781
Pleasure to meet you.
186
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:29,785
"Natasha Riggs, Junior VP
of HD Analytics." Same.
187
00:07:31,019 --> 00:07:32,493
I'd love to keep in touch, Natasha.
188
00:07:32,962 --> 00:07:35,306
Are you trying to network with me?
189
00:07:35,391 --> 00:07:36,793
Abso-fucking-lutely.
190
00:07:39,187 --> 00:07:41,630
- [GIGGLING]
- I didn't know you laugh.
191
00:07:41,730 --> 00:07:43,899
I do. Hey, I'll have
another pi�a colada.
192
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:45,699
- Make it two.
- You know, John, it has
193
00:07:45,724 --> 00:07:47,491
been great to get to know you
outside the office,
194
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:49,105
- get to know the real you, et cetera.
- Yeah.
195
00:07:49,204 --> 00:07:50,605
Along those lines, here's an idea...
196
00:07:50,706 --> 00:07:52,106
and I'm open to discussion on it.
197
00:07:52,207 --> 00:07:54,509
- Okay.
- What if we fucked?
198
00:07:54,610 --> 00:07:56,779
Huh. Well, that's interesting.
199
00:07:56,879 --> 00:07:58,781
I'm definitely open to the idea.
200
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,615
Should we maybe make a list
of pros and cons?
201
00:08:00,716 --> 00:08:01,783
Oh, yeah. Excellent suggestion.
202
00:08:01,884 --> 00:08:03,151
- Great.
- Okay, here's a pro.
203
00:08:03,252 --> 00:08:04,787
Retreat sex is the best sex.
204
00:08:04,887 --> 00:08:07,656
True. Pro: Sex between us could be
205
00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:09,324
- a team-building exercise.
- True.
206
00:08:09,425 --> 00:08:10,525
Now here's a con.
207
00:08:10,625 --> 00:08:11,993
Sex could be the biggest mistake
208
00:08:12,093 --> 00:08:13,663
- of our lives.
- Oh, for sure.
209
00:08:13,762 --> 00:08:15,496
Excuse me, bartender? Excuse me.
210
00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:17,031
Bartender! Bourbon, neat,
211
00:08:17,132 --> 00:08:20,803
and a vodka soda with two limes
for my lady. Thank you, sir.
212
00:08:20,903 --> 00:08:22,805
Oh, hey, Matt.
Didn't see you there at all.
213
00:08:22,904 --> 00:08:24,639
Do you want something from the bar?
214
00:08:24,740 --> 00:08:26,508
I've got the bartender's attention.
215
00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:27,808
Guess I'll take a whiskey.
216
00:08:27,909 --> 00:08:30,511
Whiskey, please. For my friend.
217
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:33,314
Hey. Sorry for singling you
out back there before.
218
00:08:33,414 --> 00:08:35,149
I know that can feel
pretty embarrassing,
219
00:08:35,250 --> 00:08:36,552
but it really is a good thing.
220
00:08:36,652 --> 00:08:38,954
First step to being
a fully confident human being
221
00:08:39,053 --> 00:08:41,856
is to be truly ashamed of yourself.
222
00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:43,391
We're actually throwing
a seminar tomorrow
223
00:08:43,491 --> 00:08:44,526
for the highers-up.
224
00:08:44,626 --> 00:08:46,495
If you want to join,
there's an open slot.
225
00:08:46,595 --> 00:08:48,798
Why? So you can call me
"dog shit giraffe" again?
226
00:08:48,898 --> 00:08:51,399
[CHUCKLES] Uh, no, probably not.
227
00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:54,202
Look, there is something
truly great in you.
228
00:08:54,303 --> 00:08:55,571
You just gotta tap that potential.
229
00:08:55,671 --> 00:08:58,874
Seminar's tomorrow at
9:00 a.m. by the swimming pond.
230
00:08:58,974 --> 00:09:00,109
[MYSTICAL FLUTE MUSIC]
231
00:09:00,208 --> 00:09:03,978
Let's pretend this is a safe space.
232
00:09:04,078 --> 00:09:05,980
Sharing intimate secrets
with coworkers can
233
00:09:06,081 --> 00:09:07,917
bond us together
and increase communication
234
00:09:08,016 --> 00:09:09,651
in the workplace.
235
00:09:09,751 --> 00:09:13,021
Now, who wants to share first?
236
00:09:13,121 --> 00:09:14,255
[GENTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR]
237
00:09:14,355 --> 00:09:16,891
I never admitted this before, but...
238
00:09:16,991 --> 00:09:20,962
I hate my grandkids. They just suck.
239
00:09:21,062 --> 00:09:24,500
One time I hit a deer with my car...
240
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:25,868
because I wanted to.
241
00:09:25,967 --> 00:09:28,770
Look, I am just gonna
say this: I am a cutter,
242
00:09:28,870 --> 00:09:31,072
and that works for me.
243
00:09:31,173 --> 00:09:32,240
And that's when I realized
244
00:09:32,341 --> 00:09:37,712
I had inadvertently helped do 9/11.
245
00:09:37,812 --> 00:09:39,014
- Beautiful.
- So, so great. Gorgeous.
246
00:09:39,114 --> 00:09:42,619
Let's all give Ted
a big round of applause
247
00:09:42,697 --> 00:09:45,920
and help him feel supported.
248
00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:48,289
Support Ted.
249
00:09:48,389 --> 00:09:50,591
Okay, seems like everyone has shared.
250
00:09:50,692 --> 00:09:52,894
Except for you, Matt.
251
00:09:52,995 --> 00:09:56,298
Matt, why so shy?
252
00:09:56,398 --> 00:09:58,933
Oh, yeah, I-I don't
really know if this is for me.
253
00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,601
I might just go for a swim.
254
00:10:00,702 --> 00:10:01,904
Come on, Matt. We've all shared
255
00:10:02,004 --> 00:10:04,774
with each other, except for you.
256
00:10:04,874 --> 00:10:06,341
Just tell us something simple.
Be confident.
257
00:10:06,442 --> 00:10:09,278
Like, how did you lose your virginity?
258
00:10:09,378 --> 00:10:12,114
Oh. Uh...
259
00:10:12,213 --> 00:10:16,618
Okay. Well, I was in college,
260
00:10:16,719 --> 00:10:20,122
and it was Halloween night,
and we were watching a movie.
261
00:10:20,221 --> 00:10:23,625
Spooky. What movie?
262
00:10:23,726 --> 00:10:25,494
I'd rather not say.
263
00:10:25,594 --> 00:10:27,596
BOTH: Come on, come on.
264
00:10:27,696 --> 00:10:29,899
It was "Hocus Pocus."
265
00:10:29,999 --> 00:10:31,901
Excellent film.
266
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,934
Anyway, I got distracted by the movie,
267
00:10:34,035 --> 00:10:35,069
and it lasted way too long,
268
00:10:35,169 --> 00:10:37,806
and that's the end of that story.
269
00:10:37,907 --> 00:10:40,242
No, no, no, no. It's not, Matt.
270
00:10:40,341 --> 00:10:42,110
We gotta go way, way deeper.
271
00:10:42,211 --> 00:10:43,012
[TRIBAL FLUTE TRILLS]
272
00:10:43,111 --> 00:10:44,346
[DEEP VOICE] Way deeper.
273
00:10:44,446 --> 00:10:49,952
? ?
274
00:10:50,052 --> 00:10:52,454
I fully trust you with my heart and mind
275
00:10:52,554 --> 00:10:54,923
to close-shave me
with a straight-edge razor.
276
00:10:55,024 --> 00:10:56,225
I accept and honor your trust
277
00:10:56,325 --> 00:10:58,494
and wish you the very best of luck.
278
00:10:58,594 --> 00:10:59,762
Well, look who's here.
279
00:10:59,861 --> 00:11:01,130
- [KNIFE SLASHES]
- Ow, my face.
280
00:11:01,230 --> 00:11:03,065
Oh, sorry, Cliff, but you moved.
281
00:11:03,164 --> 00:11:04,966
Didn't think you were the trust-shave,
282
00:11:05,067 --> 00:11:06,368
team-building type.
283
00:11:06,467 --> 00:11:08,002
Oh, so you were thinking about me.
284
00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:10,104
Now I have a personal tidbit
to put about you in
285
00:11:10,205 --> 00:11:12,341
my Excel spreadsheet:
"Thinks about Jake... A lot."
286
00:11:12,441 --> 00:11:15,577
And I have something to put
about you in my Google Doc:
287
00:11:15,678 --> 00:11:19,514
"Suffers from narcissistic
personality disorder."
288
00:11:19,614 --> 00:11:20,783
Wanna get out of here?
289
00:11:20,883 --> 00:11:24,921
Fine. Twist my arm.
290
00:11:25,020 --> 00:11:27,622
Jake? [GASPS]
291
00:11:27,722 --> 00:11:29,357
[STARTLING MUSIC]
292
00:11:29,457 --> 00:11:31,459
I fully trust you
with my heart and mind.
293
00:11:31,559 --> 00:11:35,163
And then Bette Midler
sang a Broadway rendition
294
00:11:35,264 --> 00:11:38,267
of "I Put a Spell on You,"
and then I, uh...
295
00:11:38,366 --> 00:11:40,334
- Give it to us, Matt.
- Share, Matt.
296
00:11:40,436 --> 00:11:41,636
I camed.
297
00:11:41,736 --> 00:11:44,005
[APPLAUSE]
298
00:11:44,105 --> 00:11:46,509
Good work, Matt. Good work.
299
00:11:46,609 --> 00:11:48,210
Give Matt a hug. Show him some support.
300
00:11:48,309 --> 00:11:50,178
Everybody touch his body.
301
00:11:50,279 --> 00:11:53,282
Wrap your arms around his neck
and love him.
302
00:11:53,381 --> 00:11:57,184
[SWELLING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
303
00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,020
So, yeah, basically, I analyze data,
304
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:00,654
and I put it into graphs and whatever.
305
00:12:00,755 --> 00:12:02,124
I'm extremely good at it,
306
00:12:02,225 --> 00:12:04,894
and I wake up every morning
wanting to die.
307
00:12:04,994 --> 00:12:08,062
You wanna die? I wanna die.
308
00:12:08,163 --> 00:12:11,234
- We have so much in common.
- Mm-hmm.
309
00:12:11,333 --> 00:12:14,335
I bet we're missing some
great seminars right now.
310
00:12:14,436 --> 00:12:16,672
Oh, yeah. I had my eyes
on the "How to Embezzle Money
311
00:12:16,772 --> 00:12:18,273
While Still Looking
Really Awesome" seminar,
312
00:12:18,373 --> 00:12:21,210
but I already kind of
know how to do that.
313
00:12:21,309 --> 00:12:23,678
Ooh, we're not
the only ones playing hooky.
314
00:12:23,779 --> 00:12:25,780
See that redheaded guy about to dive in?
315
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,882
- Mm-hmm.
- Greg Wilkins, chief of
316
00:12:27,982 --> 00:12:30,017
product development, HD San Francisco.
317
00:12:30,118 --> 00:12:31,920
And he cheats on his wife
with Julie Powell,
318
00:12:32,020 --> 00:12:33,421
VP Hampton DeVille, west Oregon.
319
00:12:33,522 --> 00:12:35,324
Hmm.
320
00:12:35,423 --> 00:12:36,891
You're not married, are you?
321
00:12:36,991 --> 00:12:38,327
No, I'm not, which severely decreases
322
00:12:38,427 --> 00:12:42,062
the chances that we'll
have sex on this retreat.
323
00:12:42,163 --> 00:12:43,564
[SLURPING]
324
00:12:43,664 --> 00:12:46,568
Wait, Mark Cuban, Condoleezza Rice,
325
00:12:46,668 --> 00:12:48,803
and the Barefoot Contessa
are all AHOLEs?
326
00:12:48,904 --> 00:12:50,371
Mm-hmm, and her husband Jeffrey.
327
00:12:50,471 --> 00:12:52,206
Really, you're no different
from any of them, Matt.
328
00:12:52,307 --> 00:12:53,908
We think you're special, Matt.
329
00:12:54,009 --> 00:12:55,811
I can feel your confidence growing.
330
00:12:55,910 --> 00:12:58,780
Just a few more exercises
and you'll be a full AHOLE.
331
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,948
Oh yeah. Big-time AHOLE.
332
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:02,418
Come on, let's pray.
333
00:13:02,518 --> 00:13:06,454
Heavenly Father, thank you
for giving me the confidence
334
00:13:06,554 --> 00:13:09,125
to purchase this food
with my hard-earned money,
335
00:13:09,225 --> 00:13:11,426
which I got without any of your help,
336
00:13:11,525 --> 00:13:14,261
because you don't exist. Amen.
337
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:15,563
- Amen!
- Amen.
338
00:13:15,664 --> 00:13:16,997
Let's eat.
339
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:19,934
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
340
00:13:20,034 --> 00:13:22,737
Ew, gross. There's a hair in my food.
341
00:13:22,837 --> 00:13:25,274
Oh. Yeah, gross.
342
00:13:25,374 --> 00:13:26,942
I guess mistakes happen, huh?
343
00:13:27,042 --> 00:13:28,377
Look, why don't you just throw it out
344
00:13:28,476 --> 00:13:30,178
and move on with your life,
like you said, right?
345
00:13:30,279 --> 00:13:31,480
[MOUTHING WORDS]
346
00:13:31,580 --> 00:13:34,583
N... no. I deserve better than this.
347
00:13:34,682 --> 00:13:38,787
I'm gonna say something.
Excuse me, waitress?
348
00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:41,956
There's a problem with my food,
when you get a second.
349
00:13:42,057 --> 00:13:43,457
Can I help you, sir?
350
00:13:43,557 --> 00:13:45,092
I certainly hope you can help me.
351
00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,962
Look at this hair. My dinner is ruined.
352
00:13:48,062 --> 00:13:49,097
Stronger, Matt.
353
00:13:49,197 --> 00:13:51,167
I mean, you ruined it.
354
00:13:51,266 --> 00:13:52,834
You ruined my dinner.
355
00:13:52,934 --> 00:13:56,003
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
I'll get you a new Cobb salad.
356
00:13:56,104 --> 00:13:58,674
No, let me finish. I'm a human being
357
00:13:58,774 --> 00:14:02,678
and essentially an executive,
and I deserve respect.
358
00:14:02,778 --> 00:14:05,113
Of course, sir.
I'll comp the salad and then...
359
00:14:05,213 --> 00:14:07,147
- Get her, Matt.
- I'll go get you another one.
360
00:14:07,249 --> 00:14:08,783
Fuck you! I hope you die.
361
00:14:08,883 --> 00:14:11,053
Easy, easy. Good, but...
362
00:14:11,153 --> 00:14:12,521
Ruin her day, not her life.
363
00:14:12,620 --> 00:14:14,656
[CHUCKLES] Good, though. Good stuff.
364
00:14:15,951 --> 00:14:17,831
So I've just been
going to parties lately
365
00:14:17,856 --> 00:14:20,127
- and stealing things.
- I think that's smart.
366
00:14:20,221 --> 00:14:23,397
- Thanks.
- So... This is me.
367
00:14:23,498 --> 00:14:24,900
Well, I... I would invite myself in,
368
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,014
but I never mix sex and networking.
369
00:14:27,136 --> 00:14:28,270
Probably for the best.
370
00:14:28,366 --> 00:14:30,572
Having sex with me is like
having sex on ecstasy.
371
00:14:30,672 --> 00:14:32,441
You'll be depressed
for six months afterwards.
372
00:14:32,540 --> 00:14:35,510
[LAUGHS]
373
00:14:35,610 --> 00:14:37,178
I really gotta thank you guys.
374
00:14:37,279 --> 00:14:38,679
Without you, I never would have had
375
00:14:38,779 --> 00:14:40,481
the confidence to stand up for myself.
376
00:14:40,581 --> 00:14:41,682
You should thank yourself, Matt.
377
00:14:41,783 --> 00:14:43,317
You're the one
who made that waitress cry.
378
00:14:43,418 --> 00:14:44,754
Well, thanks, me.
379
00:14:44,854 --> 00:14:47,389
Man, I feel like a whole new person.
380
00:14:47,490 --> 00:14:48,856
You know, that's great, Matt.
381
00:14:48,957 --> 00:14:52,327
But right behind this door
is the final test.
382
00:14:52,427 --> 00:14:55,330
[SWELLING OPERA MUSIC]
383
00:14:55,429 --> 00:15:01,503
? ?
384
00:15:02,537 --> 00:15:05,708
Whoa, wait. I'm sorry. What's going on?
385
00:15:05,807 --> 00:15:07,241
I thought you two were married.
386
00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:10,111
Well, exactly. We're a team.
387
00:15:10,211 --> 00:15:11,580
I'm gonna watch.
388
00:15:11,679 --> 00:15:13,914
[INHALING DEEPLY]
389
00:15:14,015 --> 00:15:18,152
Oh! Oh...
390
00:15:18,253 --> 00:15:20,589
[HUFFING]
391
00:15:20,688 --> 00:15:22,490
I'm so happy we're doing this, finally.
392
00:15:22,591 --> 00:15:23,692
- You're doing great.
- Thank you.
393
00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:26,195
You're doing so well.
394
00:15:26,294 --> 00:15:28,730
Oh! Yes. [CHUCKLES]
395
00:15:28,831 --> 00:15:30,765
I was a virgin until we had sex.
396
00:15:30,865 --> 00:15:31,966
- Oh my God.
- Yeah.
397
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:33,735
I hated it. I'm never gonna do it again.
398
00:15:33,836 --> 00:15:35,269
So you're in love with me now?
399
00:15:35,370 --> 00:15:36,772
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
400
00:15:36,871 --> 00:15:40,508
Uh, Matt? Could you give us
a minute or go away forever?
401
00:15:40,609 --> 00:15:41,676
[DOOR SLAMS]
402
00:15:41,777 --> 00:15:43,245
Do whatever you're gonna do.
403
00:15:43,345 --> 00:15:45,980
Nothing can shock me anymore.
404
00:15:46,081 --> 00:15:48,216
[BED RATTLES]
405
00:15:48,317 --> 00:15:50,918
I'm confident now.
406
00:15:51,019 --> 00:15:54,623
- Well, we fucked.
- Yes! Yes, we did.
407
00:15:54,722 --> 00:15:56,257
It was a pleasure sleeping with you.
408
00:15:56,357 --> 00:15:57,825
- You as well.
- Mm.
409
00:15:57,926 --> 00:16:00,095
[LAUGHS] Nice, firm handshake, there.
410
00:16:00,161 --> 00:16:01,104
- Yeah.
- Never noticed
411
00:16:01,129 --> 00:16:02,497
quite how firm your handshake was.
412
00:16:02,597 --> 00:16:05,099
It's firm.
413
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,868
- Shall we, uh...
- Yeah, let's go do some...
414
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,602
- Get those emails?
- ...on my email, so...
415
00:16:08,703 --> 00:16:10,337
So you were used as a sex toy
416
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:11,605
by a couple of cult leaders.
417
00:16:11,706 --> 00:16:12,807
Some people would pay for that.
418
00:16:12,908 --> 00:16:15,644
- I'm a human dildo.
- Sure, but,
419
00:16:15,744 --> 00:16:17,345
someday you'll connect with someone.
420
00:16:17,445 --> 00:16:19,381
Or maybe you won't.
Some people never do.
421
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:20,816
[HEAVY SIGH] I just don't wanna see
422
00:16:20,915 --> 00:16:22,516
Jeff and Gretchen
at the closing ceremony.
423
00:16:22,616 --> 00:16:24,218
It's gonna be so awkward.
424
00:16:24,318 --> 00:16:26,187
I'm actually really looking
forward to the closing ceremony.
425
00:16:26,288 --> 00:16:27,322
Natasha's gonna be there.
426
00:16:27,423 --> 00:16:28,856
I have this weird, warm feeling
427
00:16:28,956 --> 00:16:30,391
where I actually wanna see her again.
428
00:16:30,491 --> 00:16:32,995
Isn't that Natasha over there?
429
00:16:33,095 --> 00:16:36,129
- Oh, my God. [GIGGLES]
- Sorry.
430
00:16:38,399 --> 00:16:39,567
He's got a great butt.
431
00:16:39,668 --> 00:16:41,269
Your eyes are beautiful with this...
432
00:16:41,370 --> 00:16:42,637
Hey, what is this?
433
00:16:42,736 --> 00:16:44,173
Hey, Jake Levinson.
434
00:16:44,273 --> 00:16:46,274
Excuse me, I'll be right back
435
00:16:46,375 --> 00:16:48,210
to sort out all these crazy cards.
436
00:16:48,309 --> 00:16:50,544
Jake, why are you acting
like some jealous boyfriend
437
00:16:50,644 --> 00:16:51,646
all of a sudden?
438
00:16:51,746 --> 00:16:52,947
Well, because...
439
00:16:53,048 --> 00:16:55,517
Didn't yesterday mean anything to you?
440
00:16:55,616 --> 00:16:58,586
Oh. Hey, Jake, I'm sorry.
441
00:16:58,687 --> 00:17:00,289
It was just networking.
442
00:17:02,757 --> 00:17:04,626
Yeah... Yeah, me too.
443
00:17:04,726 --> 00:17:06,226
Don't worry about it.
444
00:17:06,328 --> 00:17:08,998
Yeah, I'm just gonna
go give my cat a quick call.
445
00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:12,567
Ah, damn it.
446
00:17:12,667 --> 00:17:15,437
Oh, you're the waitress from last night.
447
00:17:15,536 --> 00:17:17,271
I'm not a waitress anymore.
448
00:17:17,371 --> 00:17:18,606
After you yelled at me,
449
00:17:18,706 --> 00:17:21,408
the resort demoted me to janitorial.
450
00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:24,612
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I-I never yell like that.
451
00:17:24,713 --> 00:17:25,814
Here, let me help you.
452
00:17:25,914 --> 00:17:29,618
No! Just, please...
453
00:17:29,717 --> 00:17:30,919
Leave me alone.
454
00:17:31,020 --> 00:17:32,955
Some executive puked on the pool deck,
455
00:17:33,054 --> 00:17:36,891
and I gotta go mop it up
before it dries.
456
00:17:36,992 --> 00:17:38,860
My wife and I fuck animals and men.
457
00:17:38,959 --> 00:17:40,294
- Yeah...
- Hey, I need to
458
00:17:40,395 --> 00:17:41,864
- talk to you two.
- Ooh!
459
00:17:41,964 --> 00:17:43,465
- Oh, hey!
- Matt, how are you?
460
00:17:43,564 --> 00:17:44,732
- Hey, buddy boy.
- Touching you.
461
00:17:44,832 --> 00:17:46,301
- Look at these little nips...
- Stop!
462
00:17:46,401 --> 00:17:47,468
- Whoa!
- Stop touching me.
463
00:17:47,569 --> 00:17:48,837
- Okay, okay.
- You know that waitress
464
00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:50,038
got demoted because of us?
465
00:17:50,138 --> 00:17:52,040
What, do you feel guilty?
Don't feel guilty.
466
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:53,141
No, no, no. Guilt?
467
00:17:53,242 --> 00:17:55,110
Guilt is just insecurity
leaving the body.
468
00:17:55,209 --> 00:17:57,278
Besides, we're the ones who
planted the hair in your food,
469
00:17:57,379 --> 00:17:59,080
so you shouldn't
feel guilty about anything.
470
00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:00,381
What?
471
00:18:00,482 --> 00:18:01,389
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
472
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:04,350
Oh! We gotta go, that's our cue.
473
00:18:04,553 --> 00:18:06,689
- This was great.
- Yeah, it was.
474
00:18:09,281 --> 00:18:10,850
All right, team Hampton DeVille,
475
00:18:10,875 --> 00:18:12,327
give it up for yourselves!
476
00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:14,858
Yeah! We learned a lot this weekend.
477
00:18:14,896 --> 00:18:16,405
Learned a lot about teamwork,
478
00:18:16,452 --> 00:18:17,866
learned a lot about management,
479
00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:19,934
and we learned a lot about each other.
480
00:18:20,005 --> 00:18:21,733
Ted? Your secret's safe with us.
481
00:18:21,803 --> 00:18:23,671
Whoopsie!
482
00:18:23,772 --> 00:18:26,707
Now, step forward if you are ready
483
00:18:26,808 --> 00:18:30,546
to be baptized and reborn an AHOLE!
484
00:18:30,646 --> 00:18:33,382
- Yeah! Come up here, AHOLE.
- Look at this AHOLE.
485
00:18:33,482 --> 00:18:35,684
Come on up here, you fucking nerd.
486
00:18:35,783 --> 00:18:38,652
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
487
00:18:38,753 --> 00:18:42,624
? ?
488
00:18:42,724 --> 00:18:44,525
All right, hold your breath.
489
00:18:44,626 --> 00:18:46,528
ALL: [CHANTING] AHOLE, AHOLE.
490
00:18:46,628 --> 00:18:49,496
- All right!
- Yeah.
491
00:18:49,597 --> 00:18:52,267
Whoo! I love this company!
492
00:18:52,367 --> 00:18:55,904
All right, who's next?
Get up here, lady!
493
00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:57,706
Here we go!
494
00:18:57,805 --> 00:19:00,274
ALL: [CHANTING] AHOLE, AHOLE!
495
00:19:00,374 --> 00:19:03,678
? ?
496
00:19:03,777 --> 00:19:07,716
Oh, yeah, come on, big boy.
497
00:19:07,815 --> 00:19:09,817
ALL: [CHANTING] AHOLE, AHOLE!
498
00:19:09,918 --> 00:19:13,354
Yeah! Look at this wet hamster.
499
00:19:13,455 --> 00:19:16,091
Come on up here.
500
00:19:16,190 --> 00:19:18,158
Fucking whatever, just do it.
501
00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:19,827
We will!
502
00:19:19,928 --> 00:19:23,563
? ?
503
00:19:23,665 --> 00:19:26,301
All right, see ya later, sad guy.
504
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,903
What a miserable AHOLE.
Oh, Matt's coming up here.
505
00:19:29,004 --> 00:19:33,908
All right, Matt.
Come on, let us baptize you.
506
00:19:34,008 --> 00:19:36,444
You know what? I'm not gonna do this.
507
00:19:36,544 --> 00:19:37,946
Yay! My turn!
508
00:19:38,045 --> 00:19:40,748
Shut up, Ted! Don't you guys see?
509
00:19:40,849 --> 00:19:43,885
Jeff and Gretchen are full of shit.
510
00:19:43,985 --> 00:19:46,322
This whole AHOLE program
is full of shit.
511
00:19:46,421 --> 00:19:50,024
Also, this isn't a baptism.
This is waterboarding.
512
00:19:50,123 --> 00:19:51,992
Uh, great share, Matt.
That was really...
513
00:19:52,092 --> 00:19:54,661
It's not a fucking share.
514
00:19:54,762 --> 00:19:59,400
Okay. Everyone, look at Matt.
515
00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:04,172
On the first day, he was
half giraffe, half dog shit.
516
00:20:04,272 --> 00:20:08,710
And now look at him.
He is a total AHOLE.
517
00:20:08,810 --> 00:20:09,811
Congratulations, Matt.
518
00:20:09,910 --> 00:20:12,080
Fuck this. I'm going to the pool.
519
00:20:12,179 --> 00:20:14,082
- You're welcome, Matt.
- Come on, Teddy, let's do it!
520
00:20:14,183 --> 00:20:16,652
All right, Ted's weird. He likes it.
521
00:20:16,752 --> 00:20:18,086
He wants it too much.
522
00:20:18,187 --> 00:20:21,289
[SMOOTH BONGO AND CELLO MUSIC]
523
00:20:21,389 --> 00:20:27,329
? ?
524
00:20:29,797 --> 00:20:31,699
[PLANE RUMBLES]
525
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,101
Oh, come on.
526
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,070
God, really? I'm not
falling for this again.
527
00:20:36,170 --> 00:20:39,707
[LAUGHING] Did you
arrange for another...
528
00:20:39,808 --> 00:20:42,511
No, did you?
529
00:20:42,610 --> 00:20:45,214
- No.
- No?
530
00:20:45,313 --> 00:20:48,917
Everyone stay calm!
531
00:20:49,016 --> 00:20:50,183
[UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]
532
00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:51,985
? Clear blue skies ?
533
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,587
? The sun is shining ?
534
00:20:53,687 --> 00:20:54,790
? Birds fly high... ?
535
00:20:54,889 --> 00:20:57,859
Jesus, what do they do to you
on that retreat?
536
00:20:57,958 --> 00:20:59,594
? Never gonna die ?
537
00:21:01,036 --> 00:21:03,197
- [MOANS]
- [STAMMERS]
538
00:21:03,297 --> 00:21:04,866
I'm sorry. What... what was that?
539
00:21:04,966 --> 00:21:06,033
- Oh.
- Oh.
540
00:21:06,133 --> 00:21:08,035
That... that's what I was gonna say too.
541
00:21:08,136 --> 00:21:10,372
Oh. Ohh...
542
00:21:10,472 --> 00:21:12,274
- That's great. Yeah.
- Okay.
543
00:21:12,365 --> 00:21:13,538
- Any critici...
- No.
544
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:14,608
- Okay.
- None right now.
545
00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:15,765
Okay, great.
546
00:21:15,815 --> 00:21:20,365
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