Original subtitles

(Are You Being Served Theme Song)

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationary and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware, and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones,

♫ Gents ready made suits

- There we are, madam.

One disco fever dancing skirt

and one pair of fluorescent tights.

Oh, and I wonder if I could interest you

in a pair of these, Miss Brahms?

(bells jingle)

(audience laughs)

Every pair has a different note.

(audience laughs)

- So if you lose your partner in the dark,

all you've gotta do is shake it about,

and he'll find you by your tingling.

(audience laughs)

- That'll do, Miss Brahms.

(elevator bell chimes)

- Are you being served, madam?

- No, not at the moment.

I'm looking for a dressing gown for my husband.

- Yes.

Mr. Goldberg, are you free?

- I'm sorry, Captain Peacock,

I'm just stretching a bowler for this customer.

- May I help you, madam?

- No, Mr. Lucas, I have not called you forward.

Now get back to your counter.

- Sir.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Humphries, are you free?

- I'm free.

(audience laughs)

- This lady requires a dressing gown for her husband.

- What did madam have in mind?

- Well, it's our wedding anniversary.

(giggles)

- Robes please, Mr. Lucas.

- Excuse me, Captain Peacock?

Am I senior enough to assist Mr. Humphries?

- If Mr. Humphries wishes for your assistance,

he may have it.

- Do you wish for my assistance, Mr. Humphries?

- I think it'd be invaluable, Mr. Lucas.

- Then you may have it, Mr. Humphries.

- Robes clear!

(audience laughs)

- This is our full range, madam.

How tall is the lucky gentleman?

- Oh, he's about your size.

- He's not all that lucky then, is he?

(audience laughs)

- What length did you have in mind?

- Yes, we have knee high, thigh high, and eye high.

(audience laughs)

- No, I like 'em 'round my ankles.

- I expect your husband does as well.

(audience laughs)

- Well, they all look very nice,

but I'm never quite sure what men like.

- No, it is a bit of a puzzle sometimes.

(audience laughs)

- Speaking as a man, which do you think?

- Well, I would say...

(audience laughs)

This is a rather nice one.

- We also have some fun slogans, madam,

that you can have embroidered on the back

of any short notice.

- Thank you.

These are very popular with honeymoon couples.

You can have, I did it my way,

anything you can do I can do better.

(audience laughs)

- Here's my husband.

(audience laughs)

- Well, we've got just the one for him,

haven't we, Mr. Humphries?

- We have.

Little things mean a lot.

(audience laughs)

- If you don't mind, I'll think about it.

- Well, certainly, madam.

Just let me know when you're finished.

- I think I'd rather decide at home, if you don't mind.

- Why certainly.

Only, don't be too long.

The price may go up on Wednesday.

Oh, I hate people like that wasting my time.

- I know.

We was havin' ever such a nice gossip

'til she come in.

I do know about these, though.

I don't think we'll sell many.

I mean, what sort of person's gonna buy 'em?

- Well, possible, someone who is going

to a dance tonight at the social club

and wishes to create a stir.

(audience laughs)

- You don't mean...

(underwear jingles)

(audience laughs)

♫ Isn't it awful nice

♫ To have friends to rely upon

♫ You must have friends.

- Mr. Harman.

Take that chair away.

- I'm sorry, Captain Peacock,

but the order to put that chair there

was given me by a 'igher authority.

- Mr. Rumbold?

- No, not Mr. Rumbold, and I do not have to tell you

to whom it was.

- Mr. Harman, I will not have you speaking

to me like that in front of the staff.

- It's too late now.

They've heard.

(audience laughs)

- For the last time, I'm instructing you

to tell me who ordered you to put that chair there.

- You gettin' like the gestapo, you is.

Really like the gestapo, I mean to say,

when we come into power,

I will be the one what ask the questions,

and you better get some good answers ready.

- Captain Peacock?

- Not when I'm admonishing Mr. Harman.

In that case, Mr. Harman, I shall report

this incident and deal with the matter myself.

(gasps)

(audience laughs)

- Captain Peacock, have you gone mad?

You did that deliberately!

- Quite right, sir.

I was a witness.

He tried to assassinate the founder of the store.

(audience laughs)

- I can't apologize enough, sir.

I had no idea it was for you.

- You only had to ask me nicely,

and I would have told you.

(audience laughs)

- These kinds of pranks are very dangerous, Peacock.

- Yes, I think a very severe reprimand, sir.

- Oh, reprimand's not enough.

- Oh, quite right.

An assassination attempt deserves a sack.

(audience laughs)

- Uh, perhaps we should take a way a privilege, sir?

- That's a very good idea, yes, uh.

Remove his flower.

- About time he was deflowered.

(audience laughs)

- Certainly, sir.

- One moment, Mr. Rumbold, I must protest.

I paid for this flower out of my own pocket,

as I do every morning.

- Captain Peacock, although you pay for the flower yourself,

it is a privilege for you to wear it on the floor.

I am therefore removing that privilege.

(audience laughs)

- Well then, that's settled.

You've all done very well.

- [Staff In Unison] Thank you, Mr. Grace.

- Excuse me, sir.

You came down here to tell them about the health scheme.

- Health scheme?

- The one we worked out in the office, sir.

Shall I tell them of the latest development?

- Oh, yes. You'd better.

I'll make a mess of it.

(groans)

- I wish he'd get on.

My leg's gone to sleep.

(underwear jingles)

(audience laughs)

- What was that?

- Mrs. Slocombe's ting-a-ling knickers.

(audience laughs)

They're for discos.

- My girls are very fond of them.

(underwear jingles)

(audience laughs)

- Well, now that it's out, I bought a pair.

I use it as a burglar alarm.

- Well, go on.

Shake it about, then.

(audience laughs)

I can't hear anything.

- Neither can I.

Do you think somebody broke in when I wasn't looking?

(audience laughs)

- May we return to the subject of this meeting?

- (Clears throat) Yes, quite.

Grace Brothers have worked out

a pension bonus scheme which will give you all

a lump sum on retirement.

The amount will vary according to your age now,

but I can give you some examples.

- Mr. Rumbold, I hope you're not going to divulge

our ages in public.

- I wouldn't be so indiscreet, Mrs. Slocombe,

but of course, the younger ones will fair best.

Now, Mr. Lucas and Miss Brahms

will qualify for the full amount of 3,000 pounds.

- Mr. Humphries, 2,100.

- Uh, Captain Peacock is the next youngest

and will receive 1,700.

Mrs. Slocombe is next.

Oh, where's that figure, um...

- Oh, Mrs. Slocombe, I wonder how much you're gonna get.

- Well, there's not all that much difference

between Captain Peacock and myself, age wise.

- Yes, uh, Captain Peacock, 1,700.

Mrs. Slocombe, 700.

(laughs)

(audience laughs)

Mr. Goldberg, 21 pounds, 52.

- Provided he lasts 'til the end of the week.

(audience laughs)

- Well now, Grace Brothers are paying for this scheme,

providing, of course, you pass the medical examination

which will be in two weeks time.

- (Gasps) May I say this is a very

generous gesture on your part, sir.

- I knew he'd say something pompous like that.

(audience laughs)

- On the other hand, if you don't

pass the medical examination,

you will have to pay for the scheme yourself,

or of course, not take part it in at all.

- Mr. Rumbold, may one inquire

who will be the examining doctor?

- Oh, Mr. Grace's personal physician,

who's not only highly regarded as a diagnostician,

but who also happens to be homeopathic.

- Oh, something to look forward to.

(audience laughs)

- Just cabbage?

You've not become a vegetarian, have you?

- I intend to get a clean bill of health

at the medical examination,

and too much meat gives you blood pressure.

- If you get through all that cabbage,

you'll have more pressure than you can handle.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I read somewhere that you are what you eat.

- Oh yeah, just how long have you been eatin'

sour grapes and ugly fruit?

(audience laughs)

- About as long as you've been eating

sheep's brains and pig's head.

(audience laughs)

- Now, now, now, now, now, now,

argument can bring on acid indigestion,

and we all want to be fit for that medical.

- Yes, you're quite right, Captain Peacock.

Just think, when I'm 65, I shall get 3,000 quid.

If I'm lucky, that'll be enough to buy

a wheelchair and a pair of crutches.

- Isn't it amazing how these youngsters

think once you're over 60,

you're only fit for the scrap heap.

Well, I'm over 60, and I still keep going.

Not for so long, heh heh, but I still keep going.

(audience laughs)

- You know, I was at my best when I was 25.

I took this yoga class.

After two weeks, I could put me ankles behind me head

and walk 'round on me hands.

(audience laughs)

I remember thinking that'll come in useful one day.

(audience laughs)

- Did it?

- Well, when you're standing at the bus stop

like that, you soon get to the front of the queue.

(audience laughs)

- What happens if you leave Grace Brothers before you're 65?

Do ya get a refund?

- Are you thinking of leaving, Miss Brahms?

- Well, with any luck, I'm not gonna spend

the rest of me life in this dump.

- Yes, she might be known to be hearing wedding bells.

- Oh, is she thinking of taking

digs near the church then, huh?

(audience laughs)

- Some people do ask girls to marry them.

It's not all men who are after

a quick fumble by the fire exit.

- Oh, that's where you take 'em.

(audience laughs)

- Every thing you say is full

of innuendo and double entendre.

- You've been watching Mastermind again.

(audience laughs)

- I, I suggest that we need an intensive course

to get as fit as we possible can for that medical.

- Yeah, and I intend to get up early every morning

and go jogging, and with a bit of luck,

I'll get Mrs. Goldberg at it as well.

- I should do one thing at a time, if I were you.

(audience laughs)

- What we need is to go to a gymnasium

with an instructor and have a proper course.

- That could be expensive.

I mean, some of those courses cost about 60 pounds.

- Yeah, and as I'm only getting 21 pounds 52 pence,

hm, I'll be on the dead duck.

- Dancers are fit.

- Well, what's that gotta do with it?

- Well, I've got a friend who's a dancer.

They'd probably give us a class for next to nothing.

- Well, uh, what sort of dancing does he do?

- What makes you think it's a him?

My friend's a lady ballet dancer.

- I don't wanna be a ballet dancer.

- Well, you're not going to be.

But they do some marvelous exercises.

That's what's give them to the big muscles.

- Yeah, I did ballet once.

It's like Keep Fit to music,

and you have to put your leg up on the bar.

- Oh, well, Mrs. Slocombe is already trained

for that at the local.

(audience laughs)

- How much would your friend charge?

- Oh, not very much.

I did her a favor once.

- May one ask what?

- I showed her something that altered her whole life.

(audience laughs)

- What was that?

- Well, let me put it this way.

She can't half get to the front of a bus queue quick.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, straight through there.

Take the fourth door on the right.

The gentlemen in the bedding department

have already got their clothes off,

and they're waitin' for you.

(audience laughs)

- Whoa.

Who was that?

- That's the doctor what's doing the examining.

When's your turn?

- Next week, which doesn't leave us much time.

Come on, let's go.

(audience laughs)

- Hang on a minute.

Why am I doing this?

- She's homeopathic.

- Oh, thanks for reminding me.

(audience laughs)

- Alright, miss, I've got the practice bar in place.

I put a piano over there,

and Mr. Gillespie from the

music department is gonna play for us.

- Ah, thank you.

Hurry up, class, we've only got half an hour.

(audience laughs)

- I can't...

Can you believe this?

I can't bend down there.

I can't, I can't bend down to do up my shoes.

- Yes, well, you're going to have

to get someone to help you, aren't you?

Mr. Lucas?

(audience laughs)

- Oh.

I am the fairy queen, and now I must retire.

I would away, but no one's pulled my wire.

(audience laughs)

- Stop fooling about, Mr. Lucas.

Come and do up my shoes.

(audience laughs)

- Come on, Mrs. Slocombe, they're ready.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- Don't say a word, Mr. Lucas.

(audience laughs)

- I wasn't gonna say anything, Mrs. Slocombe.

I had something else on my mind, actually.

I was just thinkin' it's about time Arsenal

got a couple of new full-backs.

(audience laughs)

- If your brains was dynamite,

you still wouldn't have enough to blow your ears off.

(audience laughs)

- You know, personally, personally I'm still convinced,

I'm still convinced we should've worn tracksuits.

- Yes, well, it would've cost another eight pounds,

and Young Mr. Grace was reluctant to go to those lengths.

- Well, I must say, I'm reluctant to go to these lengths.

(audience laughs)

Are we all gathered?

- Yes, except for Mr. Humphries.

(elevator chimes)

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- Darling.

- Darling.

(chuckles)

- Oh, you look divine.

- And you look so young.

(sniffs)

Oh, I adore your perfume.

- I adore your aftershave.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, darling.

- Oh, darling.

(giggles)

- Do you remember when we last met?

- Oh, it's all coming back to me.

(audience laughs)

You were in Swan Lake.

It seems like only yesterday.

(vocalizing Swan Lake Waltz by Tchaikovsky)

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- If the principals are finished, can the chorus join in?

- Yes, of course.

Take your place at the bar.

- Thank you.

(coughs)

- Mr. Lucas, this is not your bar.

That is your bar.

- What's the difference?

- This one is for management only.

(audience laughs)

- I've been thrown outta bars than this.

(audience laughs)

- Right, everybody in fifth position.

- What's that?

- I know what the fifth position is.

- I thought you might.

(audience laughs)

- Like this, look.

- Right, everybody follow me.

And plie and down and up

and keep your legs quite beautifully turned out.

And down to the floor,

and watch those rolling ankles.

Very nice.

(audience laughs)

And one and two and three and four

and five and six and seven and eight.

- And one and two and three and four

and five and six and seven and eight.

- Now this is for you, Mrs. Slocombe.

And up and down and up.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

Off you go, boys.

- Ow!

(audience laughs)

- And down to the floor and up

and attitude, hold!

And down to the floor and up

and attitude, hold, hold!

Up, up, up, up, up, up,

balance, balance, balance, very good, very good.

Right, now we're going to try something

a little more ambitious.

It's very simple, just keep it light and gay.

- I'll do the light bit.

(audience laughs)

- Claiborne, darling.

Do you remember that step we did in Swan Lake.

- Oh, I do.

- Well, let's improvise on that then.

(piano music)

Turn out.

Lovely.

You haven't lost it, have you, darling?

- Not lately.

(audience laughs)

- Come on, Miss Brahms, all of you.

And one and two and one and two.

(audience laughs)

That's right, boys.

And off we go, oh, lovely.

Oh!

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- Who've we got today?

- The staff in the ladies' and gentlemen's department.

- Can you get the men in?

And they can undress behind there as usual.

- I'm afraid the dressing gowns

haven't come back from the laundry yet.

- I'm going that way.

I'll see what's happened.

- Come in, please.

- Ah, thank you, nurse.

- Where's the doctor?

- She'll be back in a jiffy.

There's a cupboard there.

Take your clothes off.

- Uh, I'll go first.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Goldberg, you're supposed to put your clothes

in the cupboard, not yourself.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I can't undress in the open.

I didn't do that in front of Mrs. Goldberg

until I, until we were married 25 years.

- What did she say?

- She said isn't funny what things you see

when you haven't got the gun.

(audience laughs)

- Now if you feel shy, you can go behind the screen.

- We're shy.

(audience laughs)

- Come along, Mr. Lucas.

Get on with it.

When I was in the army, we had to strip off

in the barracks all the time.

- I expect that's where the expression came from,

barrack naked.

(audience laughs)

- My brother goes to one of those nudist colonies.

Nobody's allowed to wear a stitch, except the chef,

and he wears a metal apron.

For when he's chopping parsley.

(audience laughs)

- Right, now I'll just take all your clothes

and put them in the cupboard.

All I need now are some hangers.

I shan't be minute.

(audience laughs)

Come along now.

Everything.

(audience laughs)

♫ Can it be the breeze

♫ Annette fills the trees

♫ with rare magic perfume

- Oh no!

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Humphries, Mr. Humphries,

you're required to remove your clothes.

- Who said?

- A nurse, get behind here.

- Alright.

(audience laughs)

(whistles)

(audience laughs)

- I'm not going any further

until you turn and face the other way.

(audience laughs)

- I'm not turnin' to face the other way.

(audience laughs)

- Hurry up, hurry up.

The nurse will be back in a minute.

- Where'd she go?

- She's gone to get us some hangers.

(audience laughs)

(underwear jingles)

(audience laughs)

- The alarm's working.

(audience laughs)

- It's cheery for the time of year.

(audience laughs)

- I wish that the nurse would

hurry up with the dressing gowns.

- Well, if you're embarrassed,

we'll talk about something totally unconnected

with our present situation, eh?

- Sooner the better.

(whistles)

- Mrs. Goldberg is cooking a hotpot for supper tonight.

- That's very interesting.

- Yes, well, I mentioned it because I promised

to buy the vegetables in the food department.

- What are you getting?

- Frozen sprouts.

(audience laughs)

- Two outta 10.

- Is this where we see the doctor?

(audience laughs)

- Yes, but she's not here yet.

- I'm sure we're, there're not supposed to be

two sexes in the same room at once.

- Why not?

There was two sexes in the room before we come in.

(audience laughs)

- Why are you all hidin' behind that screen?

- Because we've got no clothes on.

(women laugh)

- It's not often we get you

at a disadvantage, Captain Peacock.

- I'm not at a disadvantage.

- She hasn't looked behind the screen yet.

(audience laughs)

- Shall we have a peak?

- Well, we're not likely to get another opportunity.

(audience laughs)

- Keep away, Mrs. Slocombe!

- You heard what he said!

Keep away, that's an order!

- Ah, they're all talk when you got your trousers on,

but now you're losin' your bottle.

(audience laughs)

- Captain Peacock, I have less to lose than most of you,

but I don't think we should stand here and be insulted.

- I right agree, Mr. Humphries.

Right.

Squad.

Left.

Turn.

Left wheel double march.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- Here's the medical report for the ladies'

and gent's department, sir.

They'll all be up in a moment to know the results.

Oh, and Mr. Harman will be there as well.

- What's he want?

- Well, he's got the report on your office furniture.

You wanted to insure it, and you do have some

lovely antiques here, don't you, sir?

- What ya mean antiques?

They were all new when I first came here.

(audience laughs)

- Now, is everybody here?

I'd like to line up in order of seniority.

- Would you mind waiting out here?

Mr. Grace will see you in a moment or two.

(grunts)

(sigh)

- Oh, shift over.

- Thank you.

- Pull your skirt down.

(audience laughs)

- Well, uh, how did you get on, Mr. Goldberg?

- Well, the doctor shook her head a lot.

- She nodded at me.

- They never tell ya nothin', do they?

- She said I was in very good shape for a man of 70.

- Well, that shoulda made you happy.

- It didn't.

I'm 63.

(audience laughs)

- I think she's got something wrong with her teeth.

All the time she was examinin' me,

she was goin', tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

(audience laughs)

- Well, you've got nothing to worry about.

- Friends, isn't it over.

Blimey, the lost tribe (laughs).

(audience laughs)

Harman here, sir, with the report you requested.

- Uh, come in.

- That'll be our medical reports.

- Well, come on, let's have a listen.

- We shall do no such thing, Mr. Lucas.

On the other hand, if we should overhear,

well, that's another matter.

- I can't find me spectacles.

You read it.

- Yes, that's, uh...

(audience laughs)

Now, uh, this is the oldest.

- The bowed rapidly short legs.

- That'll be you, Mr. Goldberg.

(audience laughs)

- Shh, I want to hear.

- The top's in very good condition.

Bit of dry rot in the legs.

(audience laughs)

And the knob's going to fall off.

(audience laughs)

- What about that pretty little piece?

- Well that must be you, Miss Brahms.

- Well, it certainly won't be you.

- Outwardly, in very good condition.

Unfortunately, it's got a screw loose.

(audience laughs)

The knockers aren't genuine.

(audience laughs)

- The mere cheek!

- That brings me to this one here.

- Oh, the big chest?

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)

Once used by a lot of soldiers.

(audience laughs)

There was a lot of odd things found in the drawers.

(audience laughs)

But once removed, you could plainly see the ravages of time.

(audience laughs)

Oh, and there's rising damp in the bottom.

(audience laughs)

Now we come to the poof.

(audience laughs)

Outwardly, in very good condition.

A bit older than it looks.

A bit saggy in the middle.

Probably worth hanging on to

if you're prepared to have it stuffed.

(audience laughs)

(Are You Being Served theme song)

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor, telephones

♫ Gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes, going up

♫ Second floor carpets

♫ Travel goods and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings

♫ Restaurant and teas, going down

♫ First floor, telephones

♫ Gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes, going up