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1
00:00:03,762 --> 00:00:05,042
Thanks for driving, Hayley.
2
00:00:05,282 --> 00:00:06,698
I really need both hands free
3
00:00:06,733 --> 00:00:08,733
to make the float
inside my mouth.
4
00:00:08,785 --> 00:00:12,320
[ Munches, slurps, swishes ]
5
00:00:12,372 --> 00:00:15,240
What your father's doing
is called molecular gastronomy.
6
00:00:15,292 --> 00:00:18,893
The swishing releases the
carbon dioxide from the soda.
7
00:00:18,929 --> 00:00:22,330
He's enjoying his dessert
on a chemical level!
8
00:00:22,332 --> 00:00:23,831
Klaus, I don't care about that.
9
00:00:23,833 --> 00:00:25,383
[ Clicking, text bloops ]
10
00:00:25,418 --> 00:00:26,668
Hayley, get off your calculator
11
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:28,503
and learn something
about flavor, please.
12
00:00:28,505 --> 00:00:30,388
It's important.
Um, no.
13
00:00:30,423 --> 00:00:32,557
And this isn't a calculator, okay?
[ Cellphone chimes ] I'm texting.
14
00:00:32,592 --> 00:00:34,509
Texting?!
That's even worse!
15
00:00:34,511 --> 00:00:36,427
Here we go about the kids.
16
00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:39,681
You kids today,
all shuffling around aimlessly
17
00:00:39,733 --> 00:00:41,766
with your heads
buried in your phones.
18
00:00:41,818 --> 00:00:43,818
One day,
you're gonna look up and say,
19
00:00:43,853 --> 00:00:45,853
"Wait -- why are the signs
all in Chinese?
20
00:00:45,906 --> 00:00:47,939
Oh, it's because
I'm in communist China!"
21
00:00:47,991 --> 00:00:49,908
Are you saying
I'm gonna walk to China?
22
00:00:49,943 --> 00:00:51,693
I'm saying this becomes China!
23
00:00:51,745 --> 00:00:53,828
Come on, dude.
You knew what he meant.
24
00:00:53,863 --> 00:00:55,413
I'm putting my foot down --
25
00:00:55,448 --> 00:00:57,532
no more texting
in the Smith family.
26
00:00:57,584 --> 00:00:58,616
That's it -- done.
27
00:00:58,668 --> 00:01:00,335
That's insane.
28
00:01:00,370 --> 00:01:02,537
Yeah, there's no way
Francine lets that fly, Stan.
29
00:01:02,589 --> 00:01:03,871
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Okay, then...
30
00:01:03,873 --> 00:01:05,456
I forbid you to text and drive.
31
00:01:05,508 --> 00:01:06,708
Yeah, that's actually smart.
32
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,710
And no texting
at the dinner table.
33
00:01:08,712 --> 00:01:10,261
And at school.
34
00:01:10,297 --> 00:01:12,463
And...while you're doing
your homework.
35
00:01:12,515 --> 00:01:17,385
And...while...you're...playing
board games with the family.
36
00:01:17,437 --> 00:01:21,356
And...at church and the movies
and funerals and weddings --
37
00:01:21,391 --> 00:01:22,671
Ohhh,
they're coming to me now --
38
00:01:22,692 --> 00:01:24,025
and charity events
and work functions
39
00:01:24,060 --> 00:01:25,610
and during the national anthem
40
00:01:25,645 --> 00:01:27,478
and the "In Memoriam"
part of the Oscars.
41
00:01:27,530 --> 00:01:29,063
Whew. There.
42
00:01:29,065 --> 00:01:31,065
Just put my foot down hard
on texting.
43
00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:32,734
Klaus, read that back to me.
44
00:01:33,954 --> 00:01:35,069
[ Clears throat ]
45
00:01:35,071 --> 00:01:36,571
[ Inhales deeply ]
46
00:01:36,606 --> 00:01:38,373
I didn't have a pen.
I'm sorry.
47
00:01:38,408 --> 00:01:39,991
Ah, damn it.
But I remember them.
48
00:01:40,043 --> 00:01:41,876
I-I remember all of them,
I swear.
49
00:01:41,911 --> 00:01:43,544
All right, well, don't forget
50
00:01:43,580 --> 00:01:45,747
and just write it all down
when we get home.
51
00:01:45,749 --> 00:01:48,800
Nobody talk to Klaus
while he's remembering my list.
52
00:01:49,548 --> 00:01:54,771
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
53
00:01:54,891 --> 00:01:57,392
Good morning, U.S.A.
54
00:01:57,427 --> 00:02:01,062
I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day
55
00:02:01,097 --> 00:02:04,399
the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
56
00:02:04,434 --> 00:02:08,603
and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race
57
00:02:10,573 --> 00:02:13,858
oh, boy, it's swell to say
58
00:02:13,910 --> 00:02:16,444
good --
good morning, U.S.A.
59
00:02:16,446 --> 00:02:17,495
Aah!
60
00:02:18,999 --> 00:02:22,083
Good morning, U.S.A.
61
00:02:22,118 --> 00:02:24,619
[ Birds chirping ]
62
00:02:26,873 --> 00:02:30,925
Looks like life
just hit someone in the gonads.
63
00:02:32,762 --> 00:02:34,595
You know,
I-I don't get it, Roger.
64
00:02:34,631 --> 00:02:36,764
I've been acing
my practice tests at school,
65
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,466
then flunking the real tests.
66
00:02:38,468 --> 00:02:39,967
Why is this happening to me?
67
00:02:39,969 --> 00:02:42,136
Sounds like you got the "yips."
The what?
68
00:02:42,138 --> 00:02:44,105
The yips.
You're choking under pressure.
69
00:02:44,140 --> 00:02:46,724
It's the type of thing
that can ruin your life, amigo.
70
00:02:46,776 --> 00:02:48,676
Whoa.
How can I fix it?
71
00:02:48,712 --> 00:02:50,445
You can't.
Oh, my God!
72
00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:51,679
[ Laughs ] Kidding, bud.
73
00:02:51,715 --> 00:02:53,648
You fix it
where you fix everything...
74
00:02:53,683 --> 00:02:54,782
in the swimming pool.
75
00:02:54,818 --> 00:02:56,150
Wait --
h-how is swimming
76
00:02:56,186 --> 00:02:59,053
gonna make me
a better test taker?
77
00:02:59,089 --> 00:03:01,823
Not swimming, you tiny Adonis --
diving.
78
00:03:04,627 --> 00:03:05,993
What do you want to see?
79
00:03:06,029 --> 00:03:07,695
I want to see perfection.
80
00:03:07,731 --> 00:03:09,731
[ Chuckles ]
That narrows it down.
81
00:03:09,766 --> 00:03:13,167
All right.
How about a 2 tuck reverse?
82
00:03:13,203 --> 00:03:15,136
Do it!
Do it now!
83
00:03:19,676 --> 00:03:21,759
[ Wind blowing ]
84
00:03:24,898 --> 00:03:27,932
[ Claps slowly ]
85
00:03:27,984 --> 00:03:30,017
What's with
the sarcastic slow clap?
86
00:03:30,070 --> 00:03:32,687
That was a tight cowboy tuck
and clean entry.
87
00:03:32,739 --> 00:03:35,823
Sure, it was tight and clean,
and I'm as hard as concrete,
88
00:03:35,859 --> 00:03:37,942
but you did it
in your own backyard.
89
00:03:37,994 --> 00:03:40,445
I want to see you
do that exact same dive
90
00:03:40,497 --> 00:03:43,498
at the public pool in front
of the entire neighborhood.
91
00:03:43,533 --> 00:03:46,417
Ohhh! So this was
a practice test.
92
00:03:46,453 --> 00:03:48,753
There's always
a method to my madness, Steve.
93
00:03:48,788 --> 00:03:49,837
Now watch this.
94
00:03:55,545 --> 00:03:57,795
[ Wind blowing ]
95
00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:03,184
I just do the dive.
I don't mess with the water.
96
00:04:03,219 --> 00:04:05,770
[ Birds chirping ]
97
00:04:05,805 --> 00:04:08,556
So, I'm in the checkout line,
and I have to swipe my card
98
00:04:08,608 --> 00:04:10,441
a few times
before it goes through,
99
00:04:10,477 --> 00:04:13,778
and I hear the guy in line
behind me do the whole "ugggh."
100
00:04:13,813 --> 00:04:15,229
Like he's in such a hurry.
101
00:04:15,231 --> 00:04:17,815
Then I see
he's buying stove-top popcorn,
102
00:04:17,867 --> 00:04:20,735
and I say, "Sir,
if you're that pressed for time,
103
00:04:20,787 --> 00:04:23,504
maybe you should buy
the microwave popcorn."
104
00:04:23,540 --> 00:04:26,774
Well, the checkout lady
takes her microphone thing
105
00:04:26,810 --> 00:04:30,044
and goes,
"Major burn on register 1!"
106
00:04:30,079 --> 00:04:32,747
And she immediately gets fired.
107
00:04:32,782 --> 00:04:35,650
Turns out she had a history
of playing with the microphone.
108
00:04:36,653 --> 00:04:38,052
Hello?
109
00:04:38,087 --> 00:04:40,588
Oh, my God. Have I
not been talking to anyone?
110
00:04:40,623 --> 00:04:41,823
[ Door opens, closes ]
111
00:04:41,858 --> 00:04:43,558
Stan!
I have zero bars!
112
00:04:43,593 --> 00:04:45,176
That's correct.
113
00:04:45,228 --> 00:04:47,829
I'm having the C.I.A. scramble
the signal inside our house
114
00:04:47,864 --> 00:04:50,698
until Hayley starts obeying
my no-texting times.
115
00:04:50,733 --> 00:04:52,934
I also wrote them in German.
116
00:04:52,986 --> 00:04:55,570
I did the German side in purple
117
00:04:55,605 --> 00:04:58,506
as a little incentive
to learn German.
118
00:04:58,541 --> 00:04:59,841
Wish me luck, everybody.
119
00:04:59,876 --> 00:05:01,809
I'm going
on my first business trip.
120
00:05:01,845 --> 00:05:03,845
Jeff got a job
field-testing products.
121
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,046
I work for a company!
122
00:05:05,081 --> 00:05:06,781
Well, I guess
if Jeff can figure out
123
00:05:06,816 --> 00:05:08,249
how to use a product,
anyone can.
124
00:05:08,284 --> 00:05:09,584
Thanks, Mr. S.
125
00:05:09,619 --> 00:05:11,886
One day, I will insult you
126
00:05:11,921 --> 00:05:13,154
in a way you can understand.
127
00:05:13,189 --> 00:05:13,914
Okay!
128
00:05:14,034 --> 00:05:15,837
Enjoy that job
until your first drug test.
129
00:05:15,957 --> 00:05:17,735
Oh, it's cool,
Mr. S
130
00:05:17,855 --> 00:05:20,995
I know everything about drugs.
131
00:05:26,098 --> 00:05:27,197
I mean, is it me,
132
00:05:27,233 --> 00:05:28,522
or are kids just getting dumber?
133
00:05:28,642 --> 00:05:30,699
Oh, they're dumb as shit
now, Stan.
134
00:05:30,819 --> 00:05:32,168
I swear, it's all the texting.
135
00:05:32,422 --> 00:05:34,506
I don't know.
I use texting all the time.
136
00:05:34,558 --> 00:05:37,425
Yeah, it's a great way to cut
to the heart of a conversation
137
00:05:37,477 --> 00:05:38,927
without all the chitchat.
138
00:05:38,962 --> 00:05:41,463
Texting just doesn't jibe
with my sense of humor.
139
00:05:41,498 --> 00:05:44,799
I have a really dry wit --
like bone-dry.
140
00:05:44,835 --> 00:05:47,602
It's all about nuance with me --
deadly timing.
141
00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:49,404
You can't get that in a text.
142
00:05:49,439 --> 00:05:52,040
Actually, emoticons are a great
way to get those subtleties.
143
00:05:52,075 --> 00:05:53,108
Here, I'll show you.
144
00:05:53,143 --> 00:05:55,577
Stephanie's my mistress.
145
00:05:55,612 --> 00:05:57,012
Ah.
A winky face.
146
00:05:57,047 --> 00:05:58,580
I guess that could be helpful
147
00:05:58,615 --> 00:06:00,582
if I'm saying something
tongue-in-cheek.
148
00:06:00,617 --> 00:06:03,685
Absolutely. And emojis
even go a step further.
149
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,554
Look at that little face!
150
00:06:05,589 --> 00:06:07,889
It's like he's saying,
"Um, check, please."
151
00:06:07,925 --> 00:06:09,524
That's
one of my go-tos!
152
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:12,060
[ Cellphones chiming ]
153
00:06:12,930 --> 00:06:16,398
[ Farting ]
154
00:06:16,433 --> 00:06:19,100
[ Laughter ]
155
00:06:19,136 --> 00:06:21,720
Oh, my God!
That's texting?
156
00:06:21,772 --> 00:06:23,972
That was real, you guys.
157
00:06:24,024 --> 00:06:26,558
[ Cellphone blooping ]
158
00:06:33,617 --> 00:06:35,050
[ Camera clicks ]
159
00:06:35,085 --> 00:06:36,451
[ Cellphone bloops ]
160
00:06:36,486 --> 00:06:38,086
[ Cellphone chimes ]
161
00:06:38,121 --> 00:06:41,039
I know my P.O.V. is A.F.K.
162
00:06:41,074 --> 00:06:45,994
My energy is M.I.A.
and never coming back
163
00:06:45,996 --> 00:06:49,531
and FYI,
the 411 on the F.A.Q. list
164
00:06:49,566 --> 00:06:50,799
anyone will tell you
165
00:06:50,834 --> 00:06:52,000
[ Cellphones blooping ]
166
00:06:52,002 --> 00:06:55,003
It's a lot like doin' crack
167
00:06:55,005 --> 00:06:59,741
W-T-F-I
168
00:06:59,776 --> 00:07:03,595
rolling on the floor laughing,
L.M.A.O. interaction
169
00:07:03,647 --> 00:07:07,649
wait for another reply
170
00:07:07,684 --> 00:07:09,768
A.S.A.P. O.M.G.
171
00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:11,770
Are you gonna
T.X.T. me back tonight?
172
00:07:11,822 --> 00:07:13,688
[ Cellphone blooping ]
173
00:07:13,690 --> 00:07:15,440
[ Door opens, closes ]
174
00:07:15,492 --> 00:07:17,012
I noticed
the phone service is back on.
175
00:07:17,027 --> 00:07:18,743
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
[ Keys clicking ]
176
00:07:18,779 --> 00:07:19,861
Huh? Oh, yeah.
177
00:07:19,913 --> 00:07:21,446
But don't think for a second
178
00:07:21,498 --> 00:07:23,531
that means
you can break my texting rules.
179
00:07:23,533 --> 00:07:25,033
I'm watching you like a hawk.
180
00:07:25,085 --> 00:07:27,535
Really? How many fingers
am I holding up?
181
00:07:27,587 --> 00:07:29,838
You're holding up one finger,
and it's the middle one.
182
00:07:29,873 --> 00:07:32,207
Damn. That would have
been better.
183
00:07:32,209 --> 00:07:33,591
Hold on a minute, Stan.
184
00:07:33,627 --> 00:07:34,926
If you're texting now,
185
00:07:34,962 --> 00:07:37,045
why are you still
all over Hayley about it?
186
00:07:37,047 --> 00:07:38,713
Because, Klaus,
187
00:07:38,715 --> 00:07:40,932
when a parent makes a rule,
they have to enforce it,
188
00:07:40,968 --> 00:07:42,851
no matter how stupid
they realize it is.
189
00:07:42,886 --> 00:07:45,186
Otherwise, their kids won't
listen to anything they say.
190
00:07:45,222 --> 00:07:46,921
So...
you're a hypocrite?
191
00:07:46,957 --> 00:07:48,823
Name-calling,
huh, Klaus?
192
00:07:48,859 --> 00:07:52,227
Well, I guess I'm not texting
you my joke of the day anymore.
193
00:07:52,262 --> 00:07:54,496
Aw, come on!
Don't be like that!
194
00:07:54,531 --> 00:07:55,697
I will.
195
00:07:55,732 --> 00:07:57,132
I will be like that.
196
00:07:57,167 --> 00:07:58,733
[ Cellphone chimes ]
197
00:07:58,769 --> 00:07:59,834
[ Door opens ]
198
00:07:59,870 --> 00:08:01,936
[ Engine revs ]
199
00:08:11,581 --> 00:08:13,648
[ Cellphone bloops ] Better.
200
00:08:15,886 --> 00:08:18,553
Oh, this is just too good.
201
00:08:19,756 --> 00:08:21,089
[ Tires squeal ]
202
00:08:21,141 --> 00:08:22,474
Don't smile.
203
00:08:22,509 --> 00:08:23,675
[ Camera clicks ]
204
00:08:25,095 --> 00:08:29,764
Jeff, prepare to understand
your first insult.
205
00:08:29,766 --> 00:08:31,232
And send!
[ Cellphone bloops ]
206
00:08:31,268 --> 00:08:32,100
Ooh!
207
00:08:32,152 --> 00:08:33,151
[ Tires screech ]
208
00:08:33,186 --> 00:08:35,603
Aaaaaaaaaah!
209
00:08:38,191 --> 00:08:39,808
Oh, look -- there's a Klaus.
210
00:08:48,978 --> 00:08:51,379
[ cellphone bloops ]
211
00:08:51,414 --> 00:08:52,597
Dad, are you okay?!
212
00:08:52,649 --> 00:08:54,812
Oh, God, Stan!
How did this happen?
213
00:08:54,932 --> 00:08:56,951
Well...I was just driving
all normal.
214
00:08:56,986 --> 00:08:58,266
I remember
I had just said to myself,
215
00:08:58,386 --> 00:09:00,553
"Wow. Everything's super-normal
right now."
216
00:09:00,789 --> 00:09:02,989
It was weird
that it was so normal.
217
00:09:02,991 --> 00:09:04,958
And...you want more.
218
00:09:04,993 --> 00:09:07,210
And so I...had...
219
00:09:07,246 --> 00:09:08,328
a seizure.
220
00:09:08,330 --> 00:09:09,830
A seizure?!
221
00:09:09,832 --> 00:09:11,898
You've never had seizures
before!
222
00:09:11,934 --> 00:09:14,701
I'm gonna bring in our seizure
expert to run some tests,
223
00:09:14,736 --> 00:09:16,336
make sure that's what it was.
[ Pager beeps ]
224
00:09:16,371 --> 00:09:17,754
You paged me?
225
00:09:17,806 --> 00:09:18,972
This man claims
he had a seizure.
226
00:09:19,007 --> 00:09:20,807
We just need
your expert opinion.
227
00:09:20,843 --> 00:09:21,942
My pleasure.
228
00:09:21,977 --> 00:09:23,310
So, when the episode happened,
229
00:09:23,345 --> 00:09:24,711
were you shaking all over?
230
00:09:24,746 --> 00:09:26,930
Yes.
This man had a seizure.
231
00:09:26,982 --> 00:09:29,316
Okay, Stan,
I want you on bed rest.
232
00:09:29,351 --> 00:09:30,934
I'm also prescribing
233
00:09:30,986 --> 00:09:32,903
some pretty aggressive
antiseizure medication.
234
00:09:32,938 --> 00:09:35,071
Now, there are
a number of side effects --
235
00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:37,274
I don't care
if he can't get erections.
236
00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:39,659
That's...not
one of the side effects.
237
00:09:39,695 --> 00:09:42,362
Well, maybe it should be.
I could use a break.
238
00:09:42,397 --> 00:09:44,664
I'm just getting railed.
239
00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:46,967
[ Indistinct conversations ]
240
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,753
Okay, I got you a day pass.
241
00:09:49,788 --> 00:09:51,922
It was 20 bucks,
so we're stealing towels.
242
00:09:51,957 --> 00:09:53,673
We're also stealing chlorine,
243
00:09:53,709 --> 00:09:56,042
but that was
already gonna happen.
244
00:09:56,094 --> 00:10:00,847
Ah, the public pool --
society's unflushed toilet.
245
00:10:00,883 --> 00:10:03,350
[ Children laughing, screaming ]
246
00:10:03,385 --> 00:10:06,052
If you can perform
the same dive you did for me
247
00:10:06,104 --> 00:10:09,055
in front of these savages,
you've got nerves of steel.
248
00:10:09,091 --> 00:10:11,224
Bye-bye,
performance anxiety.
249
00:10:12,861 --> 00:10:14,227
Not so fast, hotshot.
250
00:10:14,229 --> 00:10:15,946
You have to wear these.
251
00:10:16,743 --> 00:10:20,066
Only two types of people wear
speedos to the public pool --
252
00:10:20,118 --> 00:10:22,302
great athletes and perverts.
253
00:10:22,337 --> 00:10:24,204
Which one are you?
254
00:10:26,875 --> 00:10:28,141
[ Keys clicking ]
"Seizure," my ass.
255
00:10:28,176 --> 00:10:29,743
Beg pardon?
256
00:10:29,778 --> 00:10:31,778
You didn't have a seizure
when you crashed.
257
00:10:31,813 --> 00:10:33,313
You were probably
texting someone
258
00:10:33,348 --> 00:10:35,148
a picture of your balls
or something.
259
00:10:35,183 --> 00:10:36,883
Dude, ball shots are played out.
260
00:10:36,919 --> 00:10:39,119
It's all about making your elbow
look like a butt right now.
261
00:10:39,154 --> 00:10:40,253
[ Camera clicks ]
262
00:10:40,289 --> 00:10:42,122
Whoa!
Whose butt is that?
263
00:10:42,157 --> 00:10:43,256
[ Door opens ]
264
00:10:43,292 --> 00:10:45,358
Oh, I'm so glad you're okay.
265
00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:46,793
You know, your accident
266
00:10:46,828 --> 00:10:48,862
really put things
into perspective for me.
267
00:10:48,897 --> 00:10:51,998
Driving is already dangerous
enough without texting.
268
00:10:52,034 --> 00:10:54,334
I am gonna limit
how much I text, dad.
269
00:10:54,369 --> 00:10:57,971
It seems my precious rules
are safe for another day, Klaus.
270
00:10:59,441 --> 00:11:01,374
And now it's your turn
to obey me.
271
00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:03,109
You have to take these meds.
272
00:11:03,145 --> 00:11:06,012
No more close calls like that.
273
00:11:06,048 --> 00:11:07,831
"Possible side effects
include memory loss,
274
00:11:07,866 --> 00:11:09,699
chalky genitals,
hallucinations, underbite,
275
00:11:09,751 --> 00:11:11,701
unibrow, swamp palm,
Daniel Calf" --
276
00:11:11,753 --> 00:11:12,869
Daniel Calf?
277
00:11:12,921 --> 00:11:14,704
Klaus, I don't care about that.
278
00:11:14,756 --> 00:11:17,724
The important thing is that we
stop these seizures, right, dad?
279
00:11:17,759 --> 00:11:19,726
Absolutely, sweetheart.
280
00:11:21,196 --> 00:11:23,229
Okay, let's forget for a second
that you're taking
281
00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:25,231
some insane medication
that you don't need.
282
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:26,366
Already forgotten.
283
00:11:26,401 --> 00:11:28,201
You could have used the accident
284
00:11:28,236 --> 00:11:31,771
to prove your point to Hayley
that texting and driving is bad.
285
00:11:31,807 --> 00:11:33,373
[ Scoffs ]
286
00:11:33,408 --> 00:11:35,942
And what happens when she
finds out you've been texting?
287
00:11:35,978 --> 00:11:38,728
Not gonna happen,
because I am done with all that.
288
00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:41,031
Just let me send this last one.
289
00:11:41,066 --> 00:11:42,349
Send.
290
00:11:42,384 --> 00:11:44,217
[ Cellphone bloops ]
Ah! Damn autocorrect.
291
00:11:44,252 --> 00:11:47,787
It changed "Doc gave me meds"
to "Dog gave me AIDS."
292
00:11:47,823 --> 00:11:50,056
Let me juuuust...send.
293
00:11:50,092 --> 00:11:51,091
[ Cellphone bloops ]
294
00:11:51,126 --> 00:11:53,126
Damn it!
"Dong gave me AIDS."
295
00:11:53,161 --> 00:11:55,161
Let me juuuust...
296
00:11:55,197 --> 00:11:58,732
It appears vaudeville is
alive and well in cyberspace.
297
00:11:58,767 --> 00:12:00,734
[ Indistinct conversations ]
298
00:12:00,769 --> 00:12:03,003
My penis feels weird
in this, Roger --
299
00:12:03,005 --> 00:12:04,738
like everyone can see it.
300
00:12:04,773 --> 00:12:06,206
They can.
301
00:12:06,241 --> 00:12:08,475
Shape and size are coming
through with perfect clarity.
302
00:12:08,510 --> 00:12:10,510
But don't get psyched out --
just nail the dive
303
00:12:10,545 --> 00:12:12,812
and show these jerks
you've got ice in your veins.
304
00:12:12,848 --> 00:12:14,214
Okay.
305
00:12:14,249 --> 00:12:16,816
A-and who knows?
Maybe they won't even notice me.
306
00:12:16,852 --> 00:12:18,418
Everybody, look at this dipshit!
307
00:12:18,453 --> 00:12:19,886
What's the matter, kid?
308
00:12:19,921 --> 00:12:21,788
Didn't want to pay
for the whole tan?
309
00:12:21,823 --> 00:12:24,391
[ Laughter ]
310
00:12:24,426 --> 00:12:26,526
[ Chuckling ]
God, that's good stuff.
311
00:12:26,528 --> 00:12:28,194
Shake it off, iceman!
312
00:12:29,998 --> 00:12:31,948
Well.
What do we have here?
313
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,250
An athlete or a pervert?
314
00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:37,370
Ignore me. I'm just a divorced
dad with weekend visitation.
315
00:12:37,422 --> 00:12:40,040
Gregory! What are you doing
over there by the jets?!
316
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:42,792
I don't care if it fits!
You pull it out of that jet!
317
00:12:42,844 --> 00:12:43,877
Gregory!
318
00:12:46,181 --> 00:12:47,847
[ Sighs ]
319
00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:50,550
Swamp palm.
320
00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:52,085
Damn medication.
321
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:53,420
[ Door opens ]
322
00:12:53,455 --> 00:12:55,121
I'm back from my trip,
Mr. S.
323
00:12:55,157 --> 00:12:57,123
[ Chuckling ]
Whoa! Sick unibrow, bro.
324
00:12:57,159 --> 00:12:59,059
The hair is just
a little side effect
325
00:12:59,094 --> 00:13:00,460
of the seizure medication.
326
00:13:00,495 --> 00:13:02,595
[ Gasps ]
Which reminds me...
327
00:13:04,132 --> 00:13:05,432
Wow.
Empty already.
328
00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:07,033
All right!
I'm cured!
329
00:13:07,069 --> 00:13:09,469
That's not how it works,
goofball.
330
00:13:09,504 --> 00:13:10,937
You need a refill.
331
00:13:10,972 --> 00:13:12,272
Oh, I'll drive him!
332
00:13:12,307 --> 00:13:14,374
I don't know
why I said I'd drive.
333
00:13:14,409 --> 00:13:16,960
I drove over 40 miles
on my business trip,
334
00:13:16,995 --> 00:13:19,913
and that's gonna be it for me
for a while.
335
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:23,216
By the way, I didn't
really understand your text.
336
00:13:23,251 --> 00:13:25,819
'Cause that person's not my mom.
337
00:13:25,854 --> 00:13:27,003
That went through?
338
00:13:27,055 --> 00:13:28,388
Even with the crash?
339
00:13:28,423 --> 00:13:31,257
Wait -- Mr. S.,
were you texting and driving?
340
00:13:31,259 --> 00:13:33,426
What? No!
Why would you say that?
341
00:13:33,428 --> 00:13:36,179
Because you sent me this video
right after.
342
00:13:36,231 --> 00:13:37,313
[ Splash ]
343
00:13:37,349 --> 00:13:39,933
Oh, look -- these's a Klaus.
344
00:13:39,935 --> 00:13:41,401
Save me, texting!
345
00:13:41,436 --> 00:13:44,270
Okay, fine. I was.
But you can't tell Hayley.
346
00:13:44,272 --> 00:13:45,989
If she finds out I was texting,
347
00:13:46,024 --> 00:13:47,524
she'll never listen to me again.
348
00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:50,326
I can't just
turn a blind eye to this, Mr. S.
349
00:13:50,362 --> 00:13:52,278
I'm a field tester now.
350
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:55,915
Oh, yeah? Well, you're about to
get a straight-up butt pic.
351
00:13:55,951 --> 00:13:56,950
[ Camera clicks ]
352
00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:59,035
Hmm.
I can do better.
353
00:13:59,087 --> 00:14:00,587
[ Camera clicks ]
354
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:01,871
[ Horn blares, tires screech ]
355
00:14:01,923 --> 00:14:02,956
Ooh!
356
00:14:20,942 --> 00:14:22,976
Somebody!
Help my friend!
357
00:14:22,978 --> 00:14:26,146
Shouldn't you help him?!
You're right there!
358
00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:27,447
Yes, but I'm angry at him
359
00:14:27,482 --> 00:14:29,399
because he was
texting and driving!
360
00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,618
Come down! You'll see!
It's very obvious!
361
00:14:31,653 --> 00:14:33,987
This, I got to seeeeeee!
362
00:14:40,290 --> 00:14:41,823
He was texting and driving.
363
00:14:41,858 --> 00:14:43,391
It's a cautionary tale.
364
00:14:43,426 --> 00:14:45,259
I hate to say
"I told you so," but...
365
00:14:45,295 --> 00:14:46,475
[ Sobbing ]
366
00:14:46,705 --> 00:14:49,055
You were right, dad.
You were right.
367
00:14:49,091 --> 00:14:50,190
There, there.
368
00:14:50,225 --> 00:14:51,357
I told you so.
369
00:14:51,393 --> 00:14:52,692
There, there.
370
00:14:52,728 --> 00:14:54,127
Well, the good news is,
371
00:14:54,129 --> 00:14:57,697
Jeff has a 60% chance
of pulling out of this coma.
372
00:14:57,733 --> 00:15:01,401
The bad news is,
that's out of, like, 800%.
373
00:15:01,436 --> 00:15:04,037
We'll call if there's any change
in Jeff's condition.
374
00:15:04,072 --> 00:15:06,022
Oh, no.
No, I am not leaving his side.
375
00:15:06,058 --> 00:15:09,175
Me neither. I'm staying
right here, day and night.
376
00:15:09,211 --> 00:15:12,112
We shooould probably
get some magazines, though.
377
00:15:12,147 --> 00:15:16,316
Oh, yeah. And I need, need,
neeeeeeed a hot dog.
378
00:15:19,054 --> 00:15:21,187
As for you,
a traumatic event like this
379
00:15:21,223 --> 00:15:23,156
can increase
the risk of seizures.
380
00:15:23,191 --> 00:15:25,759
I'm gonna up your medication
as a precaution.
381
00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:27,360
Oh...
that's not necessary.
382
00:15:30,532 --> 00:15:33,233
Well, you're all set.
383
00:15:33,268 --> 00:15:35,001
Looks like I'm in the clear.
384
00:15:35,036 --> 00:15:36,770
They bought the whole thing.
385
00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:38,772
What if Jeff
comes out of that coma?
386
00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:39,756
Who said that?
387
00:15:39,808 --> 00:15:41,841
Down here, bro.
388
00:15:41,843 --> 00:15:42,926
Hey, buddy.
389
00:15:42,978 --> 00:15:44,177
Who are you?!
390
00:15:44,179 --> 00:15:46,179
I'm Daniel Calf.
I'm a side effect.
391
00:15:46,231 --> 00:15:48,231
Oh. Right. Of course.
Uh, please excuse me.
392
00:15:48,266 --> 00:15:50,016
Today has been absolutely nuts.
393
00:15:50,018 --> 00:15:51,851
[ Chuckles ]
Please. I get it.
394
00:15:51,903 --> 00:15:54,187
So, listen, if Jeff
comes out of that coma,
395
00:15:54,239 --> 00:15:55,522
he's gonna tell everybody
396
00:15:55,557 --> 00:15:58,024
that you were the one
texting and driving.
397
00:15:58,059 --> 00:15:59,359
He could ruin everything.
398
00:15:59,394 --> 00:16:00,493
What do I do about that?
399
00:16:00,529 --> 00:16:01,961
You got to kill him, chief.
400
00:16:01,997 --> 00:16:03,062
Okay.
401
00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:08,168
Wait -- he can't prove
I was texting and driving.
402
00:16:08,203 --> 00:16:10,303
His phone's
at the bottom of a river.
403
00:16:10,338 --> 00:16:12,539
Plus, Hayley will
obviously believe me.
404
00:16:12,541 --> 00:16:15,241
She's eating out of
the swampy palm of my hand.
405
00:16:15,277 --> 00:16:16,776
What about the mainframe?
406
00:16:16,812 --> 00:16:17,844
The main-what-now?
407
00:16:17,879 --> 00:16:19,078
The mainframe.
408
00:16:19,114 --> 00:16:20,380
It's where
your cellphone provider
409
00:16:20,415 --> 00:16:22,282
keeps all the texts
you've ever sent.
410
00:16:22,317 --> 00:16:24,117
As long
as that mainframe exists,
411
00:16:24,152 --> 00:16:25,919
someone could find out
the truth.
412
00:16:25,954 --> 00:16:27,120
So, what do I have to do?
413
00:16:27,155 --> 00:16:28,888
My head's a bit fuzzy
from the shot.
414
00:16:28,924 --> 00:16:31,357
Look, there's only two words
you need to remember --
415
00:16:31,393 --> 00:16:33,326
"Destroy mainframe."
416
00:16:33,361 --> 00:16:34,527
No problem.
417
00:16:34,563 --> 00:16:35,862
Destroy...
418
00:16:35,897 --> 00:16:37,430
man!
419
00:16:37,465 --> 00:16:39,065
Ohh! Almost!
420
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:40,500
Just channel all the energy
421
00:16:40,535 --> 00:16:42,502
you normally use
to walk and talk
422
00:16:42,537 --> 00:16:44,571
and focus it
on these two words --
423
00:16:44,606 --> 00:16:46,573
"Destroy mainframe."
424
00:16:46,608 --> 00:16:49,342
[ Slurring ]
Destroy mainframe!
425
00:16:49,377 --> 00:16:50,844
That's it!
426
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:53,279
Now let go of your motor skills!
Really focus!
427
00:16:53,315 --> 00:16:54,881
Yaaaaaaah!
428
00:16:54,916 --> 00:16:57,450
Yeah!
You're doing it!
429
00:16:57,485 --> 00:17:00,053
Do it! Do it!
What's your problem?!
430
00:17:00,088 --> 00:17:02,455
[ Indistinct shouting ]
431
00:17:02,490 --> 00:17:04,157
You've been up there forever!
432
00:17:04,192 --> 00:17:05,358
Dive, you freak!
433
00:17:05,393 --> 00:17:06,426
Show us your balls!
434
00:17:06,478 --> 00:17:07,927
[ High-pitched ]
What he said!
435
00:17:07,929 --> 00:17:09,229
[ Clipped accent ]
I can get behind that.
436
00:17:09,264 --> 00:17:11,898
You've nailed this dive
a million times.
437
00:17:11,933 --> 00:17:14,100
And here comes
a million and one.
438
00:17:14,135 --> 00:17:16,019
Goodbye, yips.
439
00:17:20,108 --> 00:17:20,940
Aah!
440
00:17:20,942 --> 00:17:22,442
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
441
00:17:24,980 --> 00:17:27,347
[ Exhaling ]
442
00:17:27,382 --> 00:17:29,282
[ Coughs, gasps ]
443
00:17:29,317 --> 00:17:32,886
He's okay!
The pervert is okay!
444
00:17:35,357 --> 00:17:37,123
[ Light instrumental musicplays ]
445
00:17:37,125 --> 00:17:40,460
[ Ominous music plays ]
[ Monster voice ] Destroy mainframe!
446
00:17:40,462 --> 00:17:42,595
Mainframe!
447
00:17:42,631 --> 00:17:45,198
Sir, the mainframe's
not actually in the store.
448
00:17:45,233 --> 00:17:47,000
We don't even have a bathroom.
449
00:17:47,035 --> 00:17:49,235
She's lying.
She works for the mainframe.
450
00:17:49,271 --> 00:17:51,304
Mainframe!
451
00:17:59,648 --> 00:18:01,581
Mainframe!
452
00:18:06,488 --> 00:18:08,371
Ah. You found
our push-to-talk phone.
453
00:18:08,406 --> 00:18:10,373
Cellular range,
walkie-talkie convenience.
454
00:18:10,408 --> 00:18:12,158
Yaaaaaaaaaahhh!
455
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,327
[ Ringtone plays ]
456
00:18:14,329 --> 00:18:15,378
[ Cellphone beeps ]
457
00:18:15,413 --> 00:18:17,330
Mainframe?
Dad, Jeff's awake!
458
00:18:17,332 --> 00:18:19,198
Wha?
He's out of his coma.
459
00:18:19,234 --> 00:18:20,967
Noooooooooo!
460
00:18:22,921 --> 00:18:24,504
[ Engine revving, horn blares ]
461
00:18:24,506 --> 00:18:26,639
[ Tires screech ]
462
00:18:26,675 --> 00:18:29,592
You should've killed him
before -- when I told you.
463
00:18:29,644 --> 00:18:32,428
Just met you then.
No developed trust yet.
464
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,097
[ Tires squeal ]
465
00:18:37,185 --> 00:18:39,519
[ Gasps, sputtering ]
466
00:18:39,571 --> 00:18:41,521
Hayley!
I'm -- I'm --
467
00:18:41,523 --> 00:18:43,573
[ normal voice ]
I'm so -- I'm so sorry!
468
00:18:43,608 --> 00:18:45,491
Oh, God!
What have I done?!
469
00:18:45,527 --> 00:18:47,076
[ Sighs ]
470
00:18:47,112 --> 00:18:50,280
Her organs are being
held inside her body by the car.
471
00:18:50,332 --> 00:18:52,498
When the car moves,
she'll lose them.
472
00:18:52,534 --> 00:18:55,309
That means she's only got
17 months to live.
473
00:18:55,546 --> 00:18:56,870
'Cause that's
when my lease is up.
474
00:18:56,990 --> 00:18:59,639
[ Voice breaking ]
Hayley, this is all my fault!
475
00:18:59,674 --> 00:19:03,409
I was the one who was
texting and driving, not Jeff.
476
00:19:03,445 --> 00:19:06,045
I thought admitting that to you
was bad parenting,
477
00:19:06,081 --> 00:19:09,015
but this -- this is
slightly worse parenting.
478
00:19:09,050 --> 00:19:11,551
[ Sobbing ]
479
00:19:11,603 --> 00:19:13,186
What's going on?
480
00:19:13,221 --> 00:19:14,387
Hallucinations.
481
00:19:14,389 --> 00:19:16,222
That's a common side effect
of the meds.
482
00:19:16,274 --> 00:19:17,523
I'll pull him out of it.
483
00:19:17,559 --> 00:19:19,609
Wait. Let's leave it
for a while.
484
00:19:19,644 --> 00:19:22,111
[ Sobbing continues ]
485
00:19:24,566 --> 00:19:26,232
[ Sighs ]
486
00:19:26,284 --> 00:19:28,151
Thanks for trying
to help me, Roger.
487
00:19:28,203 --> 00:19:31,204
I guess there's nothing we can
do about my performance anxiety.
488
00:19:31,239 --> 00:19:33,539
Wait -- did you learn nothing
from that whole experience?
489
00:19:33,575 --> 00:19:35,508
Yeah --
I crack under pressure.
490
00:19:35,543 --> 00:19:37,977
Buddy, you just missed
the whole point of my lesson.
491
00:19:38,013 --> 00:19:39,145
There is no pressure.
492
00:19:39,180 --> 00:19:40,279
Huh?
493
00:19:40,315 --> 00:19:41,681
Those jerks at the swim club
494
00:19:41,716 --> 00:19:43,037
can make fun of you
all they want,
495
00:19:43,051 --> 00:19:44,550
but at the end of the day,
496
00:19:44,586 --> 00:19:47,220
you get to come back here
to your house with a pool,
497
00:19:47,255 --> 00:19:48,254
and they don't.
498
00:19:48,289 --> 00:19:49,655
Ohhhh.
499
00:19:49,691 --> 00:19:51,824
None of those idiots
have their own pool.
500
00:19:51,944 --> 00:19:54,105
You think if they did, they'd
go to a place like that?
501
00:19:54,180 --> 00:19:55,346
Why would they?
502
00:19:55,466 --> 00:19:56,619
That place sucks.
503
00:19:56,672 --> 00:19:59,189
And you think that if you flunk
some Biology test at school,
504
00:19:59,309 --> 00:20:01,382
they're gonna take your pool away from you?
505
00:20:01,502 --> 00:20:03,716
No, I guess they won't.
506
00:20:03,836 --> 00:20:07,666
No way. You can flunk every test forever
and you still get to come back here.
507
00:20:07,786 --> 00:20:10,437
- To a house with a pool.
- Oh my God.
508
00:20:10,557 --> 00:20:13,308
- I have a pool.
- There you go.
509
00:20:13,428 --> 00:20:16,355
- I have a pool.
- We got a pool, baby.
510
00:20:16,475 --> 00:20:18,093
Yeah!
511
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:27,266
I take solace in the fact that
her life was not lived in vain.
512
00:20:27,386 --> 00:20:33,630
I, Stan Smith, solemnly vow
to carry myself as she did.
513
00:20:33,750 --> 00:20:37,777
With integrity, dignity and grace.
514
00:20:40,191 --> 00:20:41,582
Can I bring him out of it now?
515
00:20:41,702 --> 00:20:43,663
Just a little bit longer.
516
00:20:44,688 --> 00:20:47,224
Looks like you got a fruit cake
in the deli department.
517
00:20:48,370 --> 00:20:50,761
We got a major burn at register 8.
518
00:20:50,881 --> 00:20:53,053
Sydney, you don't work here anymore.
519
00:20:53,173 --> 00:20:54,736
I'm a customer now, Tom.
520
00:20:54,856 --> 00:20:56,931
Sydney ain't going nowhere.
521
00:20:57,051 --> 00:21:04,683
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
522
00:21:04,733 --> 00:21:09,283
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
37869
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