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00:00:00,385 --> 00:00:01,885
[ Ominous music plays ]
2
00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:04,621
[ Teakettle whistling ]
3
00:00:04,656 --> 00:00:08,225
Francine: This isn't howshe wanted to end her day...
4
00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:10,361
or her life.
[ Snake hissing ]
5
00:00:10,395 --> 00:00:12,896
[ Snap! ]
[ Snake gags ]
6
00:00:12,931 --> 00:00:17,969
Private detective Tony Hurt!
How did you find me?!
7
00:00:18,089 --> 00:00:20,390
I've been looking for you
my whole life.
8
00:00:20,425 --> 00:00:21,558
Mm!
9
00:00:21,593 --> 00:00:23,293
They made love not once...
10
00:00:23,328 --> 00:00:25,295
[ Electricity crackling ]
...not twice,
11
00:00:25,330 --> 00:00:27,998
but 2 1/2 times.
12
00:00:28,032 --> 00:00:32,002
And she knew,as she had never known before,
13
00:00:32,036 --> 00:00:34,671
that the last timewasn't her fault
14
00:00:34,706 --> 00:00:38,175
because he was stillsuper into her.
15
00:00:38,209 --> 00:00:40,177
The end...
16
00:00:40,211 --> 00:00:42,045
of the book I wrote.
17
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:43,580
I loved it!
18
00:00:43,615 --> 00:00:46,016
The whole time I was imagining
myself as Tony Hurt --
19
00:00:46,050 --> 00:00:47,351
until the love scene,
20
00:00:47,385 --> 00:00:49,052
when I became the housewife
for some reason.
21
00:00:49,087 --> 00:00:50,721
But like I said, I loved it!
22
00:00:50,755 --> 00:00:53,457
What was
your favorite part, Stan?
23
00:00:53,491 --> 00:00:55,125
Stan:
Come on, right drop!
24
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:56,727
You had a three-drop leadon left drop.
25
00:00:56,761 --> 00:00:58,662
Here it comes!
26
00:00:58,696 --> 00:01:01,465
I can't wait to hear
this feedback.
27
00:01:01,499 --> 00:01:03,467
Right drop!
Hmm.
28
00:01:03,501 --> 00:01:06,336
Sir Alister Wright-Droppe
was such a small character.
29
00:01:06,371 --> 00:01:09,673
I'm thrilled that he jumped
off the page for you.
30
00:01:09,707 --> 00:01:12,242
I seem to have gotten away
with something here.
31
00:01:12,277 --> 00:01:14,411
Well, you're not
the only ones going nuts
32
00:01:14,445 --> 00:01:18,415
for "The Cobra in the Bag:
A Tony Hurt Mystery."
33
00:01:18,449 --> 00:01:20,417
"By F.R. Ancine"?
34
00:01:20,451 --> 00:01:22,119
Oh! "Francine."
35
00:01:22,153 --> 00:01:23,620
[ Chuckles ]
You clever bitch.
36
00:01:23,655 --> 00:01:26,323
The Federation
of American Mystery Writers
37
00:01:26,357 --> 00:01:30,527
agree with you because
they nominated me for an award.
38
00:01:30,562 --> 00:01:34,398
"Best lonely housewife
detective novella, softcore."
39
00:01:34,432 --> 00:01:35,799
And guess what.
40
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:39,503
The awards banquet
is next weekend in Manhattan!
41
00:01:39,537 --> 00:01:41,672
What do you say, Stan?
Are we all going?
42
00:01:41,706 --> 00:01:42,739
Not the small one.
43
00:01:42,774 --> 00:01:46,577
Not the small one.
44
00:01:46,611 --> 00:01:47,845
The big apple!
45
00:01:47,879 --> 00:01:50,214
You are my rock, Stan.
46
00:01:50,248 --> 00:01:52,549
I'll start packing.
47
00:01:52,584 --> 00:01:54,084
What day of the week is it?
48
00:01:54,118 --> 00:01:56,286
Do I have to be at work?
49
00:01:58,857 --> 00:02:01,491
Good morning, U.S.A.
50
00:02:01,526 --> 00:02:05,429
I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day
51
00:02:05,463 --> 00:02:08,432
the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
52
00:02:08,466 --> 00:02:12,736
and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race
53
00:02:14,672 --> 00:02:18,242
oh, boy, it's swell to say
54
00:02:18,276 --> 00:02:26,350
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
55
00:02:26,384 --> 00:02:28,385
[ "New York, New York" plays ]
56
00:02:30,907 --> 00:02:33,724
A real New York hotel!
57
00:02:33,758 --> 00:02:37,561
How many Wall Street bankers
had their first prostitute here?
58
00:02:37,595 --> 00:02:39,162
Oh, my God!
59
00:02:39,197 --> 00:02:41,765
Is that best-selling
mystery author James Patterson?!
60
00:02:41,799 --> 00:02:43,333
Roger:
And his cardboard cutout,
61
00:02:43,368 --> 00:02:45,615
who Charlie Rose
once interviewed for an hour.
62
00:02:46,424 --> 00:02:48,994
He's receiving a lifetime
achievement award!
63
00:02:49,219 --> 00:02:51,688
There are more of his books
a left on beaches
64
00:02:51,722 --> 00:02:53,589
than used condoms.
65
00:02:53,624 --> 00:02:56,759
That guy could easily turn
any two-bit detective characters
66
00:02:56,794 --> 00:02:58,161
into a best seller,
67
00:02:58,195 --> 00:02:59,796
which would then be optioned
for a movie!
68
00:02:59,797 --> 00:03:01,731
The kind of movie that wouldn't
get a theatrical release
69
00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:03,433
but would go straight
to Redbox?!
70
00:03:03,467 --> 00:03:04,667
A Redbox exclusive!
71
00:03:04,702 --> 00:03:06,436
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
72
00:03:06,470 --> 00:03:08,204
This sounds like a case for...
73
00:03:08,238 --> 00:03:10,540
Wheels and the Legman!
Wheels and the Legman!
74
00:03:10,574 --> 00:03:12,241
[ Both beatboxing ]
75
00:03:27,591 --> 00:03:30,426
We doing this, or what?
76
00:03:30,461 --> 00:03:32,495
I can't change as fast as you.
Right, right.
77
00:03:32,529 --> 00:03:34,197
We're gonna need
a polyester suit, hair dye,
78
00:03:34,231 --> 00:03:35,698
and a wheelchair --
79
00:03:35,733 --> 00:03:37,700
all things I've found before
in the bushes of Central Park.
80
00:03:37,735 --> 00:03:39,869
What were you doing
in the bushes of Central Park?
81
00:03:39,903 --> 00:03:41,738
Not looking for that stuff.
82
00:03:41,772 --> 00:03:43,806
Kaboom!
83
00:03:47,824 --> 00:03:49,315
You're D.O. Rothy,
84
00:03:49,539 --> 00:03:53,162
the queen of lonely housewife
detective novellas, softcore.
85
00:03:53,196 --> 00:03:56,086
I'm F.R. Ancine,
the competition.
86
00:03:56,206 --> 00:03:57,766
I have no competition.
87
00:03:57,801 --> 00:03:59,735
I've won this award
six years in a row,
88
00:03:59,769 --> 00:04:01,503
and I intend to win it again.
89
00:04:01,538 --> 00:04:05,507
Wait, aren't we in
a literary feud like, um,
90
00:04:05,542 --> 00:04:09,011
uh, um...
91
00:04:09,045 --> 00:04:12,548
Oh. Gee, um...
92
00:04:12,582 --> 00:04:14,883
I want to say Mary someone!
93
00:04:14,918 --> 00:04:17,786
That's right!
Keep walkin'!
94
00:04:17,821 --> 00:04:19,788
Glad we didn't have to go
all the way to Central Park
95
00:04:19,823 --> 00:04:21,557
to find this stuff.
96
00:04:21,591 --> 00:04:24,059
Well, sometimes a massive fire
breaks out in a senior home
97
00:04:24,094 --> 00:04:25,894
across the street
right when you need it --
98
00:04:25,929 --> 00:04:27,196
and right when you set it.
99
00:04:27,230 --> 00:04:29,064
Now let's go talk
to James Patterson.
100
00:04:29,099 --> 00:04:32,234
Legman, that's a "novel" idea.
101
00:04:32,268 --> 00:04:34,603
[ Sighs ]
I've missed us.
102
00:04:34,637 --> 00:04:37,106
Excuse me,
Mr. Patterson?
103
00:04:37,140 --> 00:04:38,807
Oh, for crying out loud!
104
00:04:38,842 --> 00:04:40,809
What's the biggest author
in the world have to do
105
00:04:40,844 --> 00:04:42,144
to get a little privacy?
106
00:04:42,178 --> 00:04:43,846
Maybe not stand in the lobby
107
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:45,714
next to a giant picture
of yourself?
108
00:04:45,749 --> 00:04:47,182
[ Sighs ] Sorry.
109
00:04:47,217 --> 00:04:49,184
It's just whenever
I come to one of these things,
110
00:04:49,219 --> 00:04:51,887
every super-fan loser
comes out of the woodwork,
111
00:04:51,921 --> 00:04:53,489
and they all think
112
00:04:53,523 --> 00:04:55,224
they've got the best idea
for my next book.
113
00:04:55,258 --> 00:04:56,792
Well, I can assure you
114
00:04:56,826 --> 00:04:58,694
that is not what brought
my associate and I --
115
00:04:58,728 --> 00:05:00,195
"Me" --
associate and me.
116
00:05:00,230 --> 00:05:02,898
Objective pronoun.
The man's a writer.
117
00:05:02,932 --> 00:05:05,067
Allow I to introduce we --
118
00:05:05,101 --> 00:05:07,236
Wheels and the Legman,
private eyes!
119
00:05:07,270 --> 00:05:10,105
And we have the best idea
for your next book.
120
00:05:10,140 --> 00:05:13,308
[ Both beatboxing ]
121
00:05:21,751 --> 00:05:23,252
Look at him!
He loves it!
122
00:05:24,654 --> 00:05:26,588
That's just another
cardboard cutout.
123
00:05:26,623 --> 00:05:29,591
Ah, right, when people talk,
you don't see their words.
124
00:05:29,626 --> 00:05:31,160
Okay, dad,
the first thing I want to do
125
00:05:31,194 --> 00:05:32,628
is go to the United Nations.
126
00:05:32,662 --> 00:05:33,962
Hayley, we're in New York City.
127
00:05:33,997 --> 00:05:35,297
There's no way I'm doing that.
128
00:05:35,331 --> 00:05:36,932
I want to go on
a copper-mine tour.
129
00:05:36,966 --> 00:05:38,634
I-I don't think
they have that here.
130
00:05:38,668 --> 00:05:40,636
Hayley, everywhere
I've ever vacationed
131
00:05:40,670 --> 00:05:43,972
has a copper-mine tour --
New Mexico, Utah, Nebraska.
132
00:05:44,007 --> 00:05:45,741
You're telling me
that all those places
133
00:05:45,775 --> 00:05:47,142
have something
that the so-called
134
00:05:47,177 --> 00:05:48,877
"greatest city in the world"
doesn't?
135
00:05:48,912 --> 00:05:51,547
[ Sighs ] Why don't
we just go do our own things?
136
00:05:51,581 --> 00:05:53,715
Excuse me,
I couldn't help overhearing
137
00:05:53,750 --> 00:05:55,717
your conversation
I was eavesdropping on.
138
00:05:55,752 --> 00:05:58,887
I may have something
that both of you will like --
139
00:05:58,922 --> 00:06:02,691
"An Evening with Robert Wuhl
at Carnegie Hall."
140
00:06:02,725 --> 00:06:03,859
Who's Robert Wuhl?
141
00:06:03,893 --> 00:06:05,861
He's a very famous actor.
142
00:06:05,895 --> 00:06:07,863
Well, I've never heard of him.
Neither have I.
143
00:06:07,897 --> 00:06:10,566
Sounds like you two
finally agree on something.
144
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:13,735
[ Fingers snap ]
I'll set two tickets aside.
145
00:06:13,770 --> 00:06:15,337
Show's in three hours.
146
00:06:15,371 --> 00:06:18,707
Until then, I'll be taking
a tour of that copper mine --
147
00:06:18,741 --> 00:06:21,577
in my imagination.
148
00:06:21,611 --> 00:06:23,679
Oh! Pennies?
149
00:06:23,713 --> 00:06:25,347
Really?!
150
00:06:25,381 --> 00:06:26,715
[ Indistinct conversations ]
151
00:06:26,749 --> 00:06:29,818
F.R. Ancine?
I'm James Patterson.
152
00:06:29,853 --> 00:06:32,154
I know. I met
your cutout this morning.
153
00:06:32,188 --> 00:06:34,857
I just want to say
I'm a big fan of your work.
154
00:06:34,891 --> 00:06:38,026
The way you write dialogue
reminds readers
155
00:06:38,061 --> 00:06:40,829
it's really hard
to write dialogue.
156
00:06:40,864 --> 00:06:42,965
Of course Patterson
wasn't interested.
157
00:06:42,999 --> 00:06:44,833
He's only heard us beatboxing.
158
00:06:44,868 --> 00:06:46,869
He's got to see
our detective work.
159
00:06:46,903 --> 00:06:49,071
[ Noirish music plays ]
160
00:06:49,105 --> 00:06:51,673
And it looks like
we got ourselves a case.
161
00:06:51,708 --> 00:06:54,109
"The case
of the missing napkin."
162
00:06:54,143 --> 00:06:56,278
All right, everyone.
This is a crime scene.
163
00:06:56,312 --> 00:06:57,646
No one touch anything!
164
00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,848
I'll do the touching.
165
00:06:59,883 --> 00:07:02,251
Damn it, Legman!
166
00:07:02,285 --> 00:07:04,753
Can't you work a case
without falling in love?
167
00:07:04,787 --> 00:07:06,088
Check us out, Patterson.
168
00:07:06,122 --> 00:07:07,773
We've got drama,
banter, romance --
169
00:07:07,893 --> 00:07:09,320
It's writing itself.
170
00:07:10,984 --> 00:07:13,896
He's probably just hiding
behind that cut-out.
171
00:07:14,770 --> 00:07:16,632
He's good.
172
00:07:16,666 --> 00:07:19,635
James Patterson
likes my writing!
173
00:07:19,669 --> 00:07:21,803
Maybe I should prepare
an acceptance speech.
174
00:07:21,838 --> 00:07:23,138
You should be more worried
175
00:07:23,172 --> 00:07:25,674
about making
it to the ceremony at all.
176
00:07:25,708 --> 00:07:28,343
This hotel can be...
treacherous.
177
00:07:28,378 --> 00:07:31,046
It would be a shame
if something happened to you,
178
00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:33,916
since you can only win
if you're there.
179
00:07:33,950 --> 00:07:36,084
Was she just threatening me?
180
00:07:36,119 --> 00:07:37,653
What? S-sorry.
[ Blowing ]
181
00:07:37,687 --> 00:07:38,820
We're -- we're trying
to bag the evidence
182
00:07:38,855 --> 00:07:40,188
without touching it.
183
00:07:40,223 --> 00:07:41,723
Ugh. This is impossible.
Can't I just touch it?
184
00:07:41,758 --> 00:07:43,659
Wait.
Do we need it, even?
185
00:07:43,693 --> 00:07:45,928
[ Applause ]
186
00:07:45,962 --> 00:07:49,264
[ Softly ] Congratulations
again to Michelle.
187
00:07:49,299 --> 00:07:51,133
Man: Speak up!
Sorry.
188
00:07:51,167 --> 00:07:52,801
[ Clears throat ]
189
00:07:52,835 --> 00:07:55,671
Uh, I'm really more used
to editing than public speaking.
190
00:07:55,705 --> 00:07:57,005
The next category is --
191
00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,174
Oh, my God, you suck!
192
00:07:59,208 --> 00:08:01,843
Well, i-if you think
you can do better --
193
00:08:01,878 --> 00:08:04,012
The next category
is self-published
194
00:08:04,047 --> 00:08:08,350
lonely housewife
detective novellas, softcore!
195
00:08:08,384 --> 00:08:10,886
And the winner is...
196
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:13,055
You have the envelope, dipshit!
197
00:08:13,089 --> 00:08:14,389
Um...
198
00:08:14,424 --> 00:08:16,091
F.R. Ancine.
199
00:08:16,125 --> 00:08:17,426
[ Applause ]
200
00:08:17,460 --> 00:08:20,128
All right, mom!
201
00:08:20,163 --> 00:08:21,330
[ Spectators murmur ]
202
00:08:21,364 --> 00:08:24,333
F.R. Ancine?
203
00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:25,767
[ Spectators murmuring ]
204
00:08:25,802 --> 00:08:28,937
Well, i-if she's not here,
205
00:08:28,972 --> 00:08:33,775
then the award
goes to D.O. Rothy.
206
00:08:33,810 --> 00:08:34,810
[ Applause ]
Yes!
207
00:08:34,844 --> 00:08:36,445
What?!
Yes!
208
00:08:36,479 --> 00:08:39,314
I finally got the napkin
in the bag.
209
00:08:39,349 --> 00:08:40,749
Forget the napkin.
210
00:08:40,783 --> 00:08:42,263
We need to figure out
where my mom is.
211
00:08:42,285 --> 00:08:45,454
Your mom?
I'm gonna need a bigger bag.
212
00:08:45,488 --> 00:08:46,989
[ Noirish music plays ]
213
00:08:47,023 --> 00:08:48,223
There's no sign of her!
214
00:08:48,257 --> 00:08:50,759
But plenty of signs
of a struggle.
215
00:08:50,793 --> 00:08:52,060
[ Chimes play ]
Her necklace.
216
00:08:52,095 --> 00:08:53,962
She would never
go anywhere without that!
217
00:08:53,997 --> 00:08:56,131
Except to the poor part of town.
218
00:08:56,165 --> 00:08:58,100
Stan never lets us take
more than $20
219
00:08:58,134 --> 00:08:59,768
for the whole family.
220
00:08:59,802 --> 00:09:01,503
And I'd call racist,
but they get us every time.
221
00:09:01,537 --> 00:09:03,505
So either my mom
knocked over this chair
222
00:09:03,539 --> 00:09:06,341
rushing to
the poor part of town or...
223
00:09:06,376 --> 00:09:07,509
She's been...
224
00:09:07,543 --> 00:09:08,877
[ Ominous music plays ]
225
00:09:08,911 --> 00:09:09,945
taken!
...Kidnapped!
226
00:09:09,979 --> 00:09:11,813
Whoa!
I guess we're a bit rusty.
227
00:09:11,848 --> 00:09:12,848
Let--
let's do that again.
228
00:09:12,849 --> 00:09:13,982
She's been...
229
00:09:14,017 --> 00:09:15,150
[ Ominous music plays ]
230
00:09:15,184 --> 00:09:16,351
...taken!
Kidnapped!
231
00:09:16,386 --> 00:09:17,953
I-I really feel like
we need to get this
232
00:09:17,987 --> 00:09:19,354
before we can start looking
for your mom.
233
00:09:19,389 --> 00:09:21,056
It does seem important.
234
00:09:22,552 --> 00:09:24,086
[ Noirish music plays ]
235
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,320
Yes, hi.
236
00:09:25,355 --> 00:09:27,189
I-I'd like to report
a missing person.
237
00:09:27,223 --> 00:09:29,257
Oh, she's been gone
around 10 minutes.
238
00:09:29,292 --> 00:09:31,193
Nope. Haven't looked
anywhere yet.
239
00:09:31,227 --> 00:09:33,061
Kind of panicked and called you.
240
00:09:33,096 --> 00:09:34,529
Hello?
This is bad.
241
00:09:34,564 --> 00:09:37,632
No! We've got Wheels
and the Legman on the case.
242
00:09:37,667 --> 00:09:40,502
First thing we're gonna do
is photograph the crime scene.
243
00:09:40,536 --> 00:09:44,172
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
What have we here?
244
00:09:44,207 --> 00:09:46,375
Wheels, get a picture of these.
245
00:09:46,409 --> 00:09:48,076
Legman!
246
00:09:48,111 --> 00:09:49,511
Meow!
247
00:09:49,545 --> 00:09:51,185
We're supposed to
be looking for evidence,
248
00:09:51,214 --> 00:09:52,647
and we're never gonna find it --
oh, hello.
249
00:09:52,682 --> 00:09:54,016
[ Chimes play ]
250
00:09:54,050 --> 00:09:57,052
A receipt from the hotel spa.
251
00:09:57,086 --> 00:09:58,220
Our first clue.
252
00:09:58,254 --> 00:09:59,688
Must have been dropped
by the perp.
253
00:09:59,722 --> 00:10:02,424
Let's go check it out.
254
00:10:04,193 --> 00:10:06,161
Only you and I know.
255
00:10:06,195 --> 00:10:07,329
I also know!
256
00:10:07,363 --> 00:10:09,131
Ignore him.
257
00:10:09,165 --> 00:10:10,599
[ "New York, New York" plays ]
258
00:10:10,633 --> 00:10:14,336
Well, we're here at
the world famous Carnegie Hall.
259
00:10:14,370 --> 00:10:16,338
Closed?
We were supposed to see a show
260
00:10:16,372 --> 00:10:21,209
starring famous celebrity...
"Robert... Wuhl."
261
00:10:21,244 --> 00:10:22,644
At your service.
262
00:10:22,678 --> 00:10:24,646
You're the guy from the hotel.
What are you doing here?
263
00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:27,516
Surprise!
I'm Bobby Wuhl!
264
00:10:27,550 --> 00:10:30,152
Ha ha! It's me!
265
00:10:30,186 --> 00:10:32,487
You're Robert Wuhl?
In the flesh.
266
00:10:32,522 --> 00:10:35,023
Now let's head out
and get us some potato salad!
267
00:10:35,058 --> 00:10:37,025
Wait, I-I thought
we were spending an evening
268
00:10:37,060 --> 00:10:38,493
at Carnegie Hall?
269
00:10:38,528 --> 00:10:40,495
No, you're spending an evening
with Robert Wuhl.
270
00:10:40,530 --> 00:10:43,031
It just started
at Carnegie Hall.
271
00:10:43,066 --> 00:10:45,033
You're gonna love
the potato salad
272
00:10:45,068 --> 00:10:49,371
at this place --
big chunks of potatoes!
273
00:10:49,405 --> 00:10:51,740
[ Noirish music plays ]
274
00:10:51,774 --> 00:10:53,508
Look, you're my partner,
and I respect
275
00:10:53,543 --> 00:10:55,077
that you play by your own rules,
276
00:10:55,111 --> 00:10:56,445
but this feels like a dead end.
277
00:10:56,479 --> 00:10:58,180
I'm afraid
the only dead ends here
278
00:10:58,214 --> 00:11:00,682
are the nerves in your legs
because look what I just found.
279
00:11:00,716 --> 00:11:01,750
[ Chimes play ]
280
00:11:01,784 --> 00:11:04,019
It's a piece of menu
from per se,
281
00:11:04,053 --> 00:11:06,521
one of the finest restaurants
in New York.
282
00:11:06,556 --> 00:11:10,459
And it has a smudge
of mom's lipstick on it!
283
00:11:10,493 --> 00:11:13,061
She must have left this for us,
like a bread crumb.
284
00:11:13,096 --> 00:11:15,564
Oh, mom, I'd recognize
your shade anywhere --
285
00:11:15,598 --> 00:11:17,532
dog-dick red.
286
00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:21,403
Help!
Is anyone there?! Anyone?!
287
00:11:21,437 --> 00:11:23,772
[ Gasps ]
A paperclip.
288
00:11:28,511 --> 00:11:30,178
Oh, thank God.
289
00:11:30,213 --> 00:11:33,515
That poppy seed
was lodged there all day.
290
00:11:33,549 --> 00:11:34,683
Help!
291
00:11:34,717 --> 00:11:37,219
Somebody help!
292
00:11:37,253 --> 00:11:38,753
[ Squish! ]
293
00:11:38,788 --> 00:11:40,388
Mmm!
294
00:11:40,423 --> 00:11:42,624
You see, I was the star
of a show called "Arli$$."
295
00:11:42,658 --> 00:11:44,092
I've never heard of that.
296
00:11:44,127 --> 00:11:45,760
It was on HBO.
Really?
297
00:11:45,795 --> 00:11:47,762
'Cause I haven't seen it
on HBO Go.
298
00:11:47,797 --> 00:11:50,132
Yes, it's "HBO went."
299
00:11:50,166 --> 00:11:51,800
More like "HBO gone."
300
00:11:51,834 --> 00:11:53,502
"HBO left
for a pack of cigarettes
301
00:11:53,536 --> 00:11:54,669
but never came back."
302
00:11:54,704 --> 00:11:57,372
Nice.
Feed the chicken.
303
00:11:57,406 --> 00:11:59,541
Enough! We were on
for seven seasons!
304
00:11:59,575 --> 00:12:01,710
If you want to get to know me...
305
00:12:01,744 --> 00:12:03,044
Meh.
Meh.
306
00:12:03,079 --> 00:12:04,412
...you'll love
the next part
307
00:12:04,447 --> 00:12:05,921
of the evening
with Robert Wuhl --
308
00:12:06,041 --> 00:12:07,449
my house.
309
00:12:07,483 --> 00:12:09,151
You live in a deli?
No!
310
00:12:09,185 --> 00:12:11,319
I'm picking up
some more potato salad.
311
00:12:11,354 --> 00:12:12,505
[ Chuckles ]
If you think I'm done
312
00:12:12,625 --> 00:12:13,690
eating potato salad for the day,
313
00:12:13,810 --> 00:12:15,848
then you don't know
Robert Wuhl.
314
00:12:15,968 --> 00:12:17,370
That's what
we're trying to tell you.
315
00:12:17,490 --> 00:12:19,179
We can't be any more clear
about this.
316
00:12:19,829 --> 00:12:22,364
[ Big-band music plays ]
317
00:12:24,333 --> 00:12:25,634
Eat up, Wheels.
318
00:12:25,668 --> 00:12:27,188
These lactaid pills
don't last forever.
319
00:12:27,203 --> 00:12:28,537
I'm not hungry --
320
00:12:28,571 --> 00:12:30,571
mostly because we've had
a nine-course tasting menu
321
00:12:30,573 --> 00:12:33,341
and an ice-cream sundae
while my mom is missing!
322
00:12:33,376 --> 00:12:35,810
Everything we've done
has been solid detective work.
323
00:12:35,845 --> 00:12:37,579
During our meal at per se,
324
00:12:37,613 --> 00:12:40,148
what did we discover in the water glasses?
Ice.
325
00:12:40,183 --> 00:12:42,150
Which sent us
to Rockefeller Center
326
00:12:42,185 --> 00:12:44,486
to do some skating on...
327
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,488
Ice.
Another clue.
328
00:12:46,522 --> 00:12:49,191
Which told us to go get
an ice cream sundae.
329
00:12:49,225 --> 00:12:52,093
Don't you see?
Ice at three places!
330
00:12:52,128 --> 00:12:53,295
I don't get it.
331
00:12:53,329 --> 00:12:54,429
We have to go to the ice machine
332
00:12:54,463 --> 00:12:55,764
on the third floor of the hotel.
333
00:12:55,798 --> 00:12:57,766
Really?
There's no time to lose.
334
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,501
One more bite.
335
00:13:02,471 --> 00:13:04,773
[ Gulps ]
Uh-oh.
336
00:13:04,807 --> 00:13:07,676
[ Groaning ]
337
00:13:09,779 --> 00:13:11,746
[ Sighs ]
338
00:13:11,781 --> 00:13:13,648
Ah, that was a long one.
339
00:13:13,683 --> 00:13:15,217
My mom could be dead.
340
00:13:15,251 --> 00:13:16,551
That's low-energy banter,
Wheels.
341
00:13:16,586 --> 00:13:17,886
Aha!
342
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:20,255
[ Chimes play ]
It's her room key!
343
00:13:20,289 --> 00:13:22,757
I bet she was locked
in her closet the whole time --
344
00:13:22,792 --> 00:13:24,893
probably by someone
who roofied her Fanta
345
00:13:24,927 --> 00:13:26,528
and then finished her Fanta
346
00:13:26,562 --> 00:13:28,530
'cause he's built up
an immunity to roofies.
347
00:13:28,564 --> 00:13:30,865
You fake-kidnapped my mom,
didn't you?
348
00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:32,867
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.
Whoa. Whoa.
349
00:13:32,902 --> 00:13:35,237
Whoa. Whoa.
350
00:13:35,271 --> 00:13:36,705
How did you know that?
351
00:13:36,739 --> 00:13:38,873
Were you running a parallel
investigation into me?!
352
00:13:38,908 --> 00:13:40,909
Are you wearing a wire?!
353
00:13:43,579 --> 00:13:46,548
Why, Roger?!
Why did you do this?!
354
00:13:46,582 --> 00:13:49,251
We needed a great case
to impress James Patterson,
355
00:13:49,285 --> 00:13:51,419
so I made one.
That's so stupid!
356
00:13:51,454 --> 00:13:54,289
James Patterson
hasn't seen any of this!
357
00:13:54,323 --> 00:13:56,291
I just assumed he'd hear
about it through the grapevine.
358
00:13:56,325 --> 00:13:57,626
Hear about what?!
359
00:13:57,660 --> 00:13:59,861
That we had
the perfect New York day?!
360
00:14:01,764 --> 00:14:04,266
[ Chuckling ]
Yeah, I'd say we did.
361
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:06,601
You had me freaked out
about my mom for nothing!
362
00:14:06,636 --> 00:14:09,604
It's not for nothing --
it's for the book deal.
363
00:14:09,639 --> 00:14:11,940
Wheels, you can walk!
364
00:14:11,974 --> 00:14:14,809
My partner can walk!
You don't have a partner
365
00:14:14,844 --> 00:14:17,345
'cause partners don't lie
about the other partner's mom!
366
00:14:17,380 --> 00:14:19,180
And partners don't make
the other partner
367
00:14:19,215 --> 00:14:20,582
split the dinner check
368
00:14:20,616 --> 00:14:23,918
when the other partner
didn't drink any of the wine!
369
00:14:23,953 --> 00:14:26,588
I don't remember
drinking four bottles of wine,
370
00:14:26,622 --> 00:14:28,923
and that's not the kind of thing
you forget.
371
00:14:28,958 --> 00:14:30,425
Don't worry, mom.
I'm here.
372
00:14:30,459 --> 00:14:32,694
[ Ominous music plays ]
373
00:14:32,728 --> 00:14:34,396
Where is she?
What do you mean?
374
00:14:34,430 --> 00:14:36,731
She's right...
Wha-huh-huh?
375
00:14:36,766 --> 00:14:38,199
Where is my mommy?!
376
00:14:38,234 --> 00:14:40,368
She's been kidnapped for real.
377
00:14:40,403 --> 00:14:41,870
This is so bad.
378
00:14:41,904 --> 00:14:43,772
[ Retching ]
379
00:14:45,875 --> 00:14:47,375
Four bottles!
380
00:14:47,410 --> 00:14:48,677
Oh, my God.
381
00:14:48,711 --> 00:14:50,345
You let me drink
four bottles of wine?
382
00:14:50,379 --> 00:14:52,681
Your mom's missing.
383
00:14:53,837 --> 00:14:55,537
[ Chimes play ]
384
00:14:55,572 --> 00:14:57,706
Yes, it's the same
missing person from before,
385
00:14:57,741 --> 00:14:59,408
but this time it's real!
386
00:14:59,442 --> 00:15:02,411
I know because I faked
the first kidnapping.
387
00:15:02,445 --> 00:15:03,846
My information?
388
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:05,714
[ Click ]
The police aren't gonna help us.
389
00:15:05,749 --> 00:15:08,550
What we need are the two
best detectives in the world.
390
00:15:08,585 --> 00:15:10,552
But the two best detectives
broke up
391
00:15:10,587 --> 00:15:12,955
because one of them lied
and ruined everything.
392
00:15:12,989 --> 00:15:15,491
And I don't know if we can
ever get that trust back.
393
00:15:15,525 --> 00:15:20,195
What if I promise
never to lie to you again?
394
00:15:20,230 --> 00:15:22,865
Yay!
Let's solve this case!
395
00:15:22,899 --> 00:15:24,400
[ Chimes play ]
396
00:15:24,434 --> 00:15:25,734
I think I just did.
397
00:15:25,769 --> 00:15:28,837
Footprints from
a woman's high-heeled shoes.
398
00:15:28,872 --> 00:15:30,339
They're probably your mom's.
399
00:15:30,373 --> 00:15:32,508
Does my mom wear
two different size shoes?
400
00:15:32,542 --> 00:15:33,842
I don't know, Steve.
401
00:15:33,877 --> 00:15:36,745
I'm not obsessed with your mom
like you are.
402
00:15:36,780 --> 00:15:39,281
So, this is my crib.
403
00:15:39,315 --> 00:15:42,618
[ Sniffs ] Oh, what's that smell?
Hmm.
404
00:15:42,652 --> 00:15:45,954
Don't you know you're supposed
to refrigerate potato salad?
405
00:15:45,989 --> 00:15:46,955
I disagree.
406
00:15:46,990 --> 00:15:48,457
So, that's my game table.
407
00:15:48,491 --> 00:15:50,325
It's where we'll play
Candy Land tonight.
408
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:51,527
All part of the evening!
409
00:15:51,561 --> 00:15:53,295
Yeah, I think
this evening is over.
410
00:15:53,329 --> 00:15:55,364
This evening doesn't end
until midnight,
411
00:15:55,398 --> 00:15:57,366
and don't even think
about running away,
412
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:58,567
'cause I'll catch you.
413
00:15:58,601 --> 00:16:00,569
I was the second-fastest guy
on "Arli$$,"
414
00:16:00,603 --> 00:16:01,904
and I'll be even faster
415
00:16:01,938 --> 00:16:04,440
after I drop the potatoes off
at the pool.
416
00:16:04,474 --> 00:16:05,908
[ Door slams ]
417
00:16:05,942 --> 00:16:08,477
[ Door creaks ]
418
00:16:10,346 --> 00:16:11,680
When this day started, Hayley,
419
00:16:11,714 --> 00:16:13,315
I was bummed
to be stuck with you.
420
00:16:13,349 --> 00:16:14,783
I wasn't super thrilled, either.
421
00:16:14,818 --> 00:16:17,319
But now I know you're not
the worst person in the world
422
00:16:17,353 --> 00:16:18,487
to hang out with.
423
00:16:18,521 --> 00:16:20,656
[ Scrape ]
424
00:16:20,690 --> 00:16:23,659
[ Munching ]
425
00:16:23,693 --> 00:16:25,527
Let's get out of here.
But he's looking right at us.
426
00:16:25,562 --> 00:16:26,762
He's on the toilet.
427
00:16:26,796 --> 00:16:28,330
He's not actually
gonna chase us.
428
00:16:28,364 --> 00:16:29,665
He's right behind us!
429
00:16:29,699 --> 00:16:31,834
We shouldn't have spent
so much time stretching!
430
00:16:31,868 --> 00:16:33,669
You'll be happy we did tomorrow!
431
00:16:33,703 --> 00:16:35,671
[ Noirish music plays ]
432
00:16:35,705 --> 00:16:38,540
Hey, Legman.
433
00:16:38,575 --> 00:16:40,876
Why do mystery writers
look so well-rested?
434
00:16:40,910 --> 00:16:45,414
I don't know. Maybe because
they're always kid-napping.
435
00:16:45,448 --> 00:16:47,416
We're fun, huh, Patterson?
436
00:16:47,450 --> 00:16:48,750
What are you implying?
437
00:16:48,785 --> 00:16:51,453
We're not implying.
We're im-saying.
438
00:16:51,488 --> 00:16:53,522
You kidnapped
F.R. Ancine.
439
00:16:53,556 --> 00:16:54,857
That's absurd.
440
00:16:54,891 --> 00:16:57,759
Is it? Who won the award
when she didn't show up?
441
00:16:57,794 --> 00:16:59,461
Who was overheard
threatening her?
442
00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:01,964
I never --
This hotel can be "treacherous"?
443
00:17:01,998 --> 00:17:03,799
Sounds like a threat to me.
444
00:17:03,833 --> 00:17:05,067
Oh, God, no.
445
00:17:05,101 --> 00:17:06,935
To get to the ballroom,
you have to take
446
00:17:06,970 --> 00:17:08,637
the north elevator
to the lower lobby,
447
00:17:08,671 --> 00:17:10,973
and then take the escalator
back to the upper mezzanine,
448
00:17:11,007 --> 00:17:12,674
then walk down
a flight of stairs.
449
00:17:12,709 --> 00:17:14,776
It's very...
treacherous.
450
00:17:14,811 --> 00:17:16,011
You mean "confusing"?
451
00:17:16,045 --> 00:17:17,713
Perhaps my word choice
was a little...
452
00:17:17,747 --> 00:17:19,314
treacherous.
453
00:17:19,349 --> 00:17:21,416
So I suppose you can account
for your whereabouts
454
00:17:21,451 --> 00:17:22,651
earlier tonight?
455
00:17:22,685 --> 00:17:23,986
I was...
456
00:17:24,020 --> 00:17:25,521
being intimate with Daniel.
457
00:17:25,555 --> 00:17:29,658
It's true.
I put that ass to sleep.
458
00:17:29,692 --> 00:17:30,759
But I-if it's not you --
459
00:17:30,793 --> 00:17:32,060
Hayley: Run, people!
460
00:17:32,095 --> 00:17:34,096
[ People gasping ]
Robert Wuhl is a maniac!
461
00:17:34,130 --> 00:17:35,597
Only Robert Wuhl decides
462
00:17:35,632 --> 00:17:37,466
when an evening
with Robert Wuhl ends!
463
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:39,801
[ Sniffing ]
464
00:17:39,836 --> 00:17:41,670
Well, well, well.
465
00:17:41,704 --> 00:17:44,006
Looks like we have
a celebrity guest star.
466
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,542
So?
So, according to "Murder, She Wrote,"
467
00:17:46,576 --> 00:17:49,411
the celebrity guest
is always the one who done it.
468
00:17:49,445 --> 00:17:50,746
You just ruined
every "Murder, She Wrote"
469
00:17:50,780 --> 00:17:53,081
I haven't seen.
[ Sighs ]
470
00:17:53,116 --> 00:17:55,417
Let's -- let's get him,
I guess.
471
00:17:55,451 --> 00:17:57,419
[ Sniffs ]
Mr. Wuhl, I'm a big fan!
472
00:17:57,453 --> 00:17:58,620
Oh, why, thank you.
473
00:17:58,655 --> 00:17:59,788
It's always nice to --
wait a minute.
474
00:17:59,822 --> 00:18:01,143
Big fan?
That doesn't sound right.
475
00:18:01,157 --> 00:18:02,824
You like picking on girls, huh?
476
00:18:02,859 --> 00:18:04,459
Makes you feel like a tough guy?
477
00:18:04,494 --> 00:18:06,128
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
478
00:18:06,162 --> 00:18:07,829
I'm talking about
"Kung Fu Panda."
479
00:18:07,864 --> 00:18:09,364
Hi-yah!
480
00:18:09,399 --> 00:18:10,766
[ Growls ]
[ Squeak! ]
481
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,100
[ Whoosh! ]
482
00:18:12,135 --> 00:18:13,835
Wheels, I need help!
483
00:18:13,870 --> 00:18:15,871
I gotcha, partner!
484
00:18:20,009 --> 00:18:22,711
Aah!
485
00:18:22,745 --> 00:18:23,912
[ Thud ]
486
00:18:23,947 --> 00:18:25,781
What the hell's wrong
with you guys?
487
00:18:25,815 --> 00:18:28,116
You kidnapped my mom!
Are you crazy?
488
00:18:28,151 --> 00:18:30,485
I've been hanging out
with good friends all night,
489
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:32,821
and now they've slipped
through my fingers.
490
00:18:32,855 --> 00:18:36,525
But I'll hunt them down.
Don't you worry about Arliss.
491
00:18:36,559 --> 00:18:37,859
[ Sniffing ]
492
00:18:37,894 --> 00:18:39,027
What's Arliss?
Who knows?
493
00:18:39,062 --> 00:18:40,395
But that's not our guy.
494
00:18:40,430 --> 00:18:42,097
He's not wearing
high-heeled shoes.
495
00:18:43,533 --> 00:18:45,667
Right!
We were looking for a woman.
496
00:18:45,702 --> 00:18:47,836
[ Sighs ]
That was the one thing we knew.
497
00:18:47,870 --> 00:18:49,705
And it wouldn't be
our lowest moment
498
00:18:49,739 --> 00:18:51,540
if Patterson wasn't here
to see it.
499
00:18:51,574 --> 00:18:53,442
Pathetic.
500
00:18:54,978 --> 00:18:56,845
[ Heels clacking ]
501
00:18:57,981 --> 00:18:59,648
[ Chimes play ]
502
00:18:59,682 --> 00:19:00,849
Son of a bitch!
503
00:19:00,883 --> 00:19:02,484
It was Patterson the whole time!
504
00:19:02,518 --> 00:19:03,719
Or at least in the end.
505
00:19:03,753 --> 00:19:05,087
We got to stop him!
506
00:19:05,121 --> 00:19:07,589
Legman, you're still
in that bowling league, right?
507
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:09,157
Throw me!
508
00:19:09,192 --> 00:19:10,892
You know I stick my fingers
in the holes pretty deep.
509
00:19:10,927 --> 00:19:13,061
Just get me there.
510
00:19:13,096 --> 00:19:14,930
[ Noirish music plays ]
511
00:19:19,802 --> 00:19:21,570
You missed!
512
00:19:21,604 --> 00:19:23,705
Wow! Sick spin!
513
00:19:23,740 --> 00:19:25,741
[ Pins crash ]
514
00:19:28,478 --> 00:19:29,945
Mom, you're safe!
515
00:19:29,979 --> 00:19:32,648
Oh, thank God you found me!
516
00:19:32,682 --> 00:19:35,651
This monster kidnapped me
517
00:19:35,685 --> 00:19:37,986
and was making me
write a book for him!
518
00:19:38,021 --> 00:19:39,688
Here's the first chapter.
519
00:19:39,722 --> 00:19:41,690
It's pretty much
what we talked about.
520
00:19:41,724 --> 00:19:45,694
I made a couple changes.
Just -- just be gentle.
521
00:19:45,728 --> 00:19:47,195
Why would you need her
to write a book?
522
00:19:47,230 --> 00:19:49,231
I'm trying to get into
the young-adult market,
523
00:19:49,265 --> 00:19:51,166
but I just can't make
my exquisite writing
524
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:52,501
that simple.
525
00:19:52,535 --> 00:19:54,836
Francine is naturally banal.
526
00:19:54,871 --> 00:19:56,104
Thank you.
527
00:19:56,139 --> 00:19:57,706
How about this weather
we're having?
528
00:19:57,740 --> 00:20:00,108
See, that's the magic
I'm trying to capture.
529
00:20:00,143 --> 00:20:02,678
One more question.
Why the high heels?
530
00:20:02,712 --> 00:20:03,745
Confidence.
531
00:20:03,780 --> 00:20:05,247
Sorry, one more question.
532
00:20:05,281 --> 00:20:06,715
They give you confidence
533
00:20:06,749 --> 00:20:09,217
or you have enough confidence
to wear them?
534
00:20:09,252 --> 00:20:11,653
Doesn't matter,
'cause I'm confident
535
00:20:11,688 --> 00:20:13,689
he's going away for a long time,
536
00:20:13,723 --> 00:20:15,757
thanks to Wheels and the Legman.
537
00:20:15,792 --> 00:20:18,927
[ Both beatboxing ]
538
00:20:18,961 --> 00:20:20,262
All right, let's go, Patterson.
539
00:20:20,296 --> 00:20:22,064
He's cardboard again.
540
00:20:26,602 --> 00:20:28,570
"Skids & the Walking Guy"?!
541
00:20:28,604 --> 00:20:30,572
Patterson stole our characters!
542
00:20:30,606 --> 00:20:32,741
"Soon to be
a major motion picture"?!
543
00:20:32,775 --> 00:20:35,110
He stole our idea
to make it into a movie!
544
00:20:35,144 --> 00:20:37,713
Says here it's gonna be
a Redbox exclusive!
545
00:20:37,747 --> 00:20:39,514
He stole our distribution model!
546
00:20:39,634 --> 00:20:41,599
Hey, at least you made
Patterson some money.
547
00:20:41,719 --> 00:20:42,996
Feed the chicken.
548
00:20:43,728 --> 00:20:44,664
Roger?
549
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,535
Feed the damn chicken, Rog!
550
00:20:46,655 --> 00:20:48,016
Don't leave the chicken hanging!
551
00:20:49,544 --> 00:20:50,044
Whoop!
552
00:20:50,236 --> 00:20:51,698
The chicken does not eat.
553
00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:52,738
Must be full.
554
00:20:53,125 --> 00:20:54,547
Chicken's been eating all day.
555
00:20:55,133 --> 00:20:59,836
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
556
00:20:59,886 --> 00:21:04,436
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39942
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