All language subtitles for 30 Rock s07e02 Governor Dunston.eng

[Whinnying]

Very well, I certainly appreciate
your candor.

[Whinnying and nickering]

[Computer beeps]

Were you just skyping
with a horse?

Not "a horse," Lemon.

Rafalca, Mitt Romney's
champion dressage mare.

Sure.

She answers
yes or no questions

by eating either an apple
for "yes,"

or a carrot for "no."

If she eats both,
that means

"life is full of
unknowable gray areas."

Remarkable animal.

And thanks to Rafalca,
I am now fully briefed

on the Romney campaign's
latest setback.

Did you see the news
this morning?

I saw the Todayshow.

So I know how to make an autumn
pizza that your teen will love.

Paul Ryan dropped out
of the race last night.

What?
Wow, why?

Turns out he was actually
born in Kenya.

Not a lot we could say
about that one.

So who's Romney's running mate
going to be?

Rafalca assured me that
an announcement would be made

later today, or...

She just wanted
to eat an apple.

And how's tanking
NBC going?

Is Hank ready to sell?

Soon, he'll have no choice.

Sunday Night Football
is just Cleveland Browns games.

I'm allowing Jimmy Fallon
to use his real voice.

[In a Muppet voice]
And the greatest band

in late night,
The Roots.

[Scattered, unenthusiastic
applause]

And you're certainly
doing your part.

Last week's show
was excruciating.

Thank you.

I told the writers
there are no bad ideas.

And they really took that
to heart.

Yes, I have a reservation
under "black Hitler."

You know, I could get used to
this not caring thing.

And what about
your reproductive efforts?

Bleh.

Criss and I have been
taking the dump truck

to the bone yard
most nights.

Oh, come on.
Try to enjoy it, Lemon.

Criss looks like
a little elf prince.

I should get
back downstairs.

Show's not going to
phone itself in.

I do have one concern, Lemon.

Elections can be very good
for sketch comedy shows.

And the last thing I need
is a election year

ratings spike for TGS.

So no political stuff.

Oh, okay, sure.

We'll just have to rely
on observational humor.

Like, um,
"table is a weird word."

Thank you, Lemon.

And you gotta wonder
who came up with the door.

Bunch of cavemen sitting around.

"Hey, gronk!

"Before we starve
to death in here,

let's make a door!"
I, uh...

[Exciting jazz music]

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

30 Rock
S07 Ep02 - Governor Dunston

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com

I have been waiting
seven years

to tell you people
what I really think of you.

Really?

'Cause you called me
"Mr. Clean's Gay Uncle"

in front of my children.

This is my first
royalty check

for my summer dance jam,
"Balls."

In this envelope is my cut
of every CD sale,

paid download, music video
DVD rental at blockbuster...

Oh, boy.
Jenna, you might want to look

at that check
before you insult us.

And maybe you ought
to look in the mirror

before leaving your house
in the morning,

because you look
like someone's been

slowly poisoning Sally Field.

Alrighty then.

Read it and weep,

you mouth breathing,
vag repellers.

It's $90, Jenna.

What?
How?

That song was everywhere.

The FBI blamed it for a spike
in summer sex crimes.

Well, the music industry
isn't what it used to be.

Thanks to Al Gore's
stupid Internet,

people can just
get music for free.

That's why I got out
of the music business.

- Hey, Jenna.
- Shut up.

Hey.
What are you doing here?

Oh, just thought
I'd pop in.

No, you damn well didn't.

Lunchtime is when
you "pop in."

You've got something else
on your mind, son.

Fresh shave,
elevated pulse,

cologne.
Mm - hmm.

This man is here
to do it on the desk.

Tracy, you're disgusting.

No, Liz, he's right.
I am.

No, but I'm not being gross.
We're trying to have a baby.

And you know how
Liz's libido is.

So I'm trying to keep it
from being a chore.

That's why I started
tracking her menstrual cycle...

You don't have
to prove anything to them.

Just shut your mouth, Criss.

I'm sorry.

You're tracking my cycle?

I don't want you
stressing about it.

So I made this calendar.

I thought you'd like to know
that you're ovulating.

And I came here today to...

I don't know,
spice things up.

I know, it was stupid.

No, okay, it's...
I get it.

It's...
In the office.

It's like I'm Don Draper
and you're Megan.

Okay, you're Don Draper.

No, you're Glen
and I'm Sally.

[Dramatic tango-style music]

Hey, this is a system.
This is all organized, God.

The post-its are for my ideas
and the pens are for my tea.

Liz, you have to see this.

Hornberger, what if we'd
been having sex?

Then I would have seen
Criss' muscular back.

You think I care?

The next vice president
of the United States,

Governor Bob Dunston
of Alabama.

Well, okey-dokey-doo,
America.

We gotta have Tracy
play ts guy on the show.

He looks exactly like him.

I was thinking we would just
lay off the political stuff.

Liz, he's right.

That guy looks
exactly like Tracy.

Did you guys see?
I'm on TV but now I'm old.

Oh, God, Liz Lemon.
It's happening to you, too.

Okay, fine.
The guy looks like Tracy.

But what's the joke?

Ooh, I'm going to have to
take a moment here.

I sat on my testicles earlier

and the heft of my body
smashed them to smithereens.

Okay.
Start working on the wig.

- Ow.
- [Exhales]

Oh, Ms. Maroney.
I want you to meet my mother...

I'm going to stop you
right there, Kenneth.

I am having an actress
side project crisis.

So I'm not interested
in whatever this is

and whatever it thinks
it's wearing.

Oh, I can't believe
I just met Jenna Maroney.

I was so nervous.
I hope I didn't embarrass you.

You were fine,
but your friend Ron

sure doesn't know how
to behave around celebrities.

Oh, oh, I am so sorry,
Kenny.

You know the only celebrity
I've ever met

was Evel Knievel's motorcycle.

And that was just a picture.

Oh, I almost forgot.

We got you a little something
for your birthday.

Is that a CD?

You people still buy cds?

Kenneth's mother.
O.M.G.

Why haven't you
visited us before?

Well, money's been tight

ever since the market crashed
into our house.

My... my name is Ron.
I'm Pearline's friend.

I've met celebrities before.

Do you know Evel Knievel's
motorcycle picture?

Oh, come on, Ron.
I'm better than that.

I have so many questions
to ask you people.

Tomorrow,
when we break for lunch,

you are coming to my dressing
room and watching me eat.

Oh, I wonder
what she eats.

Now, I've been very
up front about this.

See, that girl was in my car
because I was trying

to talk her out of being
a prostitute, and she...

[Knock at door]

Jack, I have to let Tracy
play Governor Dunston.

Absolutely not.

Come on.
He looks exactly like him.

Give me a break, Jack.

Listen to this guy.

Hang on.
I'm caught on a nail here.

[Fabric ripping]

Okay, now we can continue.

I can't just ignore
Dunston, Jack.

Everyone's talking about
how much he looks like Tracy.

NBC.com had over 100 hits today.

Exactly.

I'm trying
to tank this network.

To that end, I have asked
you to lay off politics.

Uhhuh.
But what you really meant

was lay off Republicans,
didn't you?

This is not
about politics, Lemon.

In order to save this network,
I have to destroy it.

Just like BP did
when they heroically tried

to lubricate
the Gulf of Mexico.

Now, do not write anything
about Bob Dunston.

I promise.
I won't write a word.

Are we better off now
than we were four years ago?

Not me.

I now have herpes.

And the Dixie mafia
is trying to kill me.

Hey, elf prince.

What makes you think my last
period started on the 29th?

Because you kept saying
your Aunt Flo was in town.

She was.
Remember?

I took her to moma
and the cloisters?

I assumed those were all
vaginal euphemisms.

Great.
So we had sex for no reason.

No reason at all.

- Wow. Thank you.
- Well...

Look, Liz, I know
this isn't your... jam.

Which is why I've been
trying to make it fun.

I surprised you at the office,
I wrote you that song.

I hate you.

I'm sorry.
I hate you.

Liz, we both
want this to happen.

But it's not going to work
if it's a chore.

Yeah, okay.
I know.

I have to relax.

And I promise,
as soon as I figure out

when I really am ovulating...

[Speaking German]

You just spoke in German.

I don't think so, Criss.

I'm caught on a nail here.
[Laughter]

Caught on a nail.

[Fabric ripping]

[Audience laughter]

That was Tracy Jordan
having some fun the other night

at the expense
of Governor Bob Dunston.

Liz, the New York Times
called.

George Clooney
wants to be on the show.

And you got a gift basket.

Gift basket?

Pears?
Why?

Lemon, a word.

We had an agreement.

You promised not to write
anything about Dunston.

And I didn't.

Every one of Tracy's lines
last night

was a direct quote
from Governor Dunston himself.

I see.
Well, bravo.

You're supposed to say
"brava" to a woman.

Oh, I am well aware of that.

This is a disaster.
Ratings are up.

And now, during the election,
Hank Hooper wants TGS on

five nights a week,
starting tonight.

You are un-terriblizing
this network.

Wait, I have to do a show
every night?

Uh huh.
Say goodbye to your free time.

Oh, did you hear that?

That's the sound of
honey boo boos

piling up on your TiVo.
No!

Your show
is ruining my career.

And besmirching the name
of a good American.

Bob Dunston is a fine man.

Aha.
So this is about politics.

I'm sure you'd let us make fun
of Joe Biden all we want.

Oh, but how could you?
He's so amazing.

He rides the train.

Liz.

Dunston's at a county fair
and he ate too much chili.

[Retching]

I'm sorry, Jack.
This is bigger than both of us.

Oh, boy.

When did old Bob Dunston
swallow all this change?

Pearline, you must be
so proud of Kenneth.

Smell him.
That's Jenna Maroney's garbage.

Oh, he's always been
a special boy.

I remember the day he was born.
He looked up at me and he said,

"mama, I am not a person.

"My body's just a flesh vessel
for an immortal being

whose name, if you heard it,
would make you lose your mind."

Do you remember that, honey?

Oh, we're just all
so proud of Kenny.

I tell everyone I meet,

I know a big shot
up in New York City.

Great story, Ron.

So tell me, what kind of music
do you folks like to buy?

Well, Jenna, you know,
times are tough.

And it's not getting any easier

now that Obamacare's
extending our life expectancy.

Let me die in an emergency room
with a treatable disease

like an American.

But music can let you
forget about all that.

Folks like us,
we need an escape.

It's just like what
Jimmy Buffett says.

"I'm just a cheeseburger
in paradise."

Of course, we don't have
a stereo anymore,

on account of our mayor,
who's a meth addict,

took it apart in a field.

But Ron sings.

He writes his own songs.

Are they about
being a loser?

Some of them.

But mostly, they're about
being on a tropical island,

and sipping some rum,

and feeling the sand
between your toes.

What do you know
about any of that, Ron?

Kenneth Ellen Parcell,
mind your manners.

It just so happens Ron and I
have been to Key West.

Oh, yes, we have.
It was on our honeymoon.

We...
Oh, my...

Uh-oh.

You got married?
When?

Seven years ago.

Look, Ken, I'm just trying
to replace your dad...

Oh, dang it.

That's the wrong thing
to say, isn't it?

If you will excuse me,
I have to get back to work.

This is terrible.

I've never gone this long
without talking.

Okay, if we're
doing a show tonight,

Tracy needs to do a run-through
with the vomit rig.

Props can do 4:00...

Oh, no, I promised Criss
I would be home this afternoon.

Yeah, for that.

And get this.
Criss wants to make it fun.

How do you make sex fun?

Well, Paula never
opens her eyes.

So what I do is look
at a nursing school catalog

I keep under my pillow.

Ugh.

This five shows a week thing
is bonkers.

So, great, let's all
figure out when I can have sex.

Okay, what if Jenna
did her DVD commentary

while she was getting
vajazzled?

Then we could move
the prop meeting up.

You know what, we have to look
at the whole month.

Ooh, yeah.
There it is.

I need to cross-reference this
with my menstruations.

Ooh, this is complicated.

I'm going to have to color code
all of this.

Tracy will be red,
Jenna is blue,

and I will be green.

Ooh, yeah.
That's nice.

This is, um...

Mm, it's getting
hot in here.

If I had a column
for my basal body temperature,

then I could schedule around
peak ovulation.

Right there.
Yes, that is the spot.

Oh, God.

This whole thing
could be a spreadsheet.

If we print it in landscape,
the page will take it all.

Oh, yeah.
It'll take it all.

[Giggles]
Oh, my God.

Hi.

Hey!
That was ten dollars.

I think I figured out what's
been missing from my sex life.

Organizing it.

Cooter?
Cooter Berger?

Hi, Jack.

I took the liberty
of making myself a drink.

Is that red wine with
tonic water and olives in it?

Yep.
It's an old Spanish.

Is that not a thing?

Oh, the guys at the office told
me it was a cool drink.

I'm always getting pranked.

Anyway.

Ow.

So, uh, what have you
been up to?

Well, after 2008,
I went back to being a lobbyist.

You know, just hanging out
in hotel lobbies.

If you wear a red vest,
sometimes people think

you're a valet and you can
take a nap in their car.

Right.

Well, it looks like
you're back on your feet.

And how.
You're looking at

the deputy chief
of media relations,

Romney-Dunston 2012.

Here, have a sticker.

Cooter, this is a puffy frog
with googly eyes.

Oh, no.

I've been handing those out
all day.

Listen, Jack,
the reason I'm here...

We need to talk about this whole
Bob Dunston TGS thing.

Yes, I'm taking care of that,
I assure you.

There will be no more
Bob Dunston sketches on TGS.

No, no, no.
That's not what we want.

We need you to make fun
of Dunston as much as possible.

What? Why?

Because it's making him
likeable.

He's actually very mean.

But with Tracy Jordan
playing him...

He's a lovable buffoon.

Exactly.
Nobody's talking about

the governor's record...

His re-segregation
of the Alabama schools.

His long-time sexual
relationship

with the Hank Williams statue
outside Montgomery city hall.

They're just talking
about how funny Tracy is.

It's a win-win.

You help us
take back the White House.

And you goose NBC's ratings.

Yes, and I do want NBC
to get good ratings.

Yeah, I know.

Let's keep saying
things we want.

A closer friendship with you
that includes road trips.

Your turn.

Jenna?

Can we trouble you
for some advice?

Yes.
If you're only in New York

for a few days, find a way to
see Amar'e Stoudemire's penis.

It's worth it.

All right, but we'd like
to talk to you about Kenny.

He won't even speak to me.

Don, Garlene,
I don't have time for this.

I'm trying to write
a new album

for the only people
who buy records anymore.

Unhappy, middle-aged bummers
like you.

This writing is hard.

Wait.
You said you write songs.

Yes, I do, but I'm not
a professional like you,

or them bears
at showbiz pizza.

Sing one for me now.
For inspiration.

I'm not going to steal it.

But if I do,
don't even bother lawyering up.

I'll have my Jews on you
so fast,

you'll think
you're an Asian girl.

Well, um, okay.

I wrote this song
earlier today, for Kenny.

You know, I just hope
someday he realizes...

[Muttering]

- Okay.
- [Humming]

Okay, I'm going to stop you
right there.

Ron, that was terrible.

I'm going to be
constructive here.

You should kill yourself.

No, he should not.

I am sorry, Ms. Maroney, but
you don't talk to Ron like that.

What are you talking about?

I've heard you call Ron
a dingleberry.

Comparing Ron to our
inconsiderate neighbors,

the dingleberrys,
is something I can do.

But you are not allowed to.

Because you are not...
A part of our family.

That's what family is,
Kenneth.

People you badmouth all the time
behind their back.

Why, on the train
right up here,

I called you a bowling pin
with a face drawn on it.

A cheap albino lesbian.

A finger with teeth.

A hummel someone left
on the radiator.

I get it, mom.

But if anyone else says
a word about you, Kenneth,

I don't stand for it.

Do you remember that kid
in school who bullied you?

Well, I ate that goat.

Because you and I
are family.

And, like it or not, Kenneth,
so are you and my husband.

Ronald McDonnell.

Oh.

I think I just got
an idea for a song.

It's called
"rum-soaked tampon."

Now, what were you guys
talking about?

[Offkey]

Hey!

Where you think you are,
officemax?

Get out of here,
you perverts.

Two minutes.
Two minutes to air.

Lemon, where have you been?

You have a show to do.

Don't worry about the show.
It's all scheduled.

Look at this.
Oh, yeah, mommy like.

What's wrong with you?

I've solved
my intimacy issues, Jack.

Now that the show is on
every night,

everything
has to be organized...

[Speaking German]

Well, congratulations.

I just want to make sure that

you're doing a Bob Dunston
sketch tonight.

Why?

Because of the, uh,
first amendment.

Which I love.

And what you told me earlier.

You convinced me.
You win.

You think I'm an idiot?

I didn't win that argument.
I'm an idiot.

Lemon, what do you
want me to say?

You're helping
the Romney-Dunston ticket, okay?

People like Dunston
because they like Tracy.

What?
No.

If these sketches
are helping Romney,

we're not doing them.

Yes, maybe that's
for the best.

The success of your show
is the only thing

keeping Hank
from selling NBC.

And if he doesn't sell,
I'll spend the rest of my career

in corporate obscurity,
like a woman with children.

Damn it.

But if I don't help Romney,
it's four more years

of socialism and corporations
not being people

and a basketball court
at the White House.

Let me make your choice easy.
Jack, it's over.

Yes, but is it that easy?

You stop doing Dunston's TGS
goes back to one night a week,

you can kiss goodbye your
Dusseldorf bus schedule sex.

You'll be having
Paris Metro sex.

Long sessions of afternoon
love-making, followed by talking

and making circles with your
finger in Criss' chest hair.

No.
You can't make me.

Do the sketch, I help Romney,
but I ruin my career.

Cut the sketch, you help Obama,
but you screw up your life plan.

It's a win-lose.

Tracy to the floor
for the cold open.

So what are we
going to do?

Break a leg, tray.

That shouldn't be hard.

I have a severe
calcium deficiency.

[Dramatic music playing]

[Cheers and applause]

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com

Gwen, I'm glad
you brought up my record.

It's called
Sounds of seduction.

And it's available
on iTunes.

There are nine types
of legitimate rape.

One... a Halloween party.

Let me ask you a question, sir.

Do you know if this auditorium
validates parking?

Our opponent would like you
to believe

that Mitt Romney
is a merman.

Now, I know Mitt Romney
does not live in the sea.

A mormon, governor.

A mormon?
Now, that's crazy.

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