All language subtitles for The Love Boat S04E02 The Promoter Part 1 1080p WEB-DL AAC2 0 H 264-squalor_track3_[eng]

[Theme - Jack Jones, "the love
boat theme"]

Theme song: Love,
exciting and new.

Come aboard, we're
expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest
reward, let it flow.

It floats back to you.

Love boat, soon we'll
be making another run.

The love boat promises
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard, it's love.

[Drum music]

Hey doc, doc--
isn't that beautiful?

Doc: Not too shabby.

St. Thomas.

Did you know that's one
of the Virgin Islands?

Well, what better place
to start a wedding cruise?

You know, I'm really
excited about this trip.

St. Thomas, then Caracas--

that's in Venezuela--
then onto curacao--

that's a Dutch possession.

Well, remind me
when we get there.

I'll buy you a tulip.

Then, you know
what, we're going

to go through the Panama
canal to Panama City,

then on to the Mexican riviera--

acapulco, cabo San Lucas,
and then back to la.

Now man, that's really
hitting the spots.

You want to hit some spots?

Come with me some
night back in la.

Fiesta deck is one deck below.

Enjoy the wedding, Mrs. Walker.

Thank you.

Excuse me, Mrs. Walker?

Uh, yes.

Carrie's mother?

Yes.

Oh, I think it's only
proper the father of the groom

should meet the
mother of the bride.

I'm Carl Lawrence, Ted's father.

Well, I'm Mary Ann Walker.

Very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Ted doesn't know I'm here.

I live in Europe now.

I just flew in.

Well, I'm going to be a
surprise for my daughter, too.

Ah.

Uh, Mr. Lawrence, I hope
this doesn't upset you,

but, uh-- well, I've
come here to talk

to kids out of the wedding.

I mean, they're
still in college.

They're much too young.

They simply don't
know what they--

oh, wait a minute.

I'm here for exactly
the same reason.

Mrs. Walker, it's going to be
a pleasure working with you.

Oh, well--

ha, ha, ha.

Boyd, right?

Hello, Margaret.

There you go.

There you go.

Ok, now we've got a Richard
Anderson and alberta Cannon,

right?

Fine, hello, alberta.

Ok, couple number 18, now.

Couple number 19--

um excuse me.

Yeah, you remember us?

Carrie Walker and Ted Lawrence?
- Hi.

All right, couple
number 22, as I recall.

Uh huh.

Uh, how come we've been
given separate cabins?

Oh, because in the
marriage-a-thon contest,

engaged couples are not
allowed to room together.

So the brides are
on the riviera deck,

and the grooms are
on the fiesta deck.

But there is a hanky
panky deck in between.

Oh, that's great.

Ok, moving right
along, we need a Mr. Fred

chapel and Catherine Collins.

Hello, Catherine.

They practically ruined
the whole trip for us.

[Inaudible] Tonight.

Well, that's true.

What do you want?

Excuse me, excuse me,
uh, don't I know you folks?

I'm Isaac Washington.

Well, your face is familiar.

Now, I'm Tom mcmann.

This is Mary hubble.

Hi.

Right, Tom and Mary.

Don't you remember me?

Before I worked on the
ship, I was the bartender

of your engagement party.

Which one?

The last 10 years, we've
been engaged 10 times,

and disengaged nine times.

Uh, w-- w-- well, are you
here to get married now?

Oh, yes, you bet we are.

And if he decides
to jump overboard,

I'm jumping right in after
him with the minister

and making him say I do
before he hits the water.

You have to be the
captain of this ship.

Not even [inaudible] could
fit that description.

All right, thank you.

Captain merrill stubing
at your service.

Lawrence Evans, and
my lovely wife, Sheila.

Captain stubing: My pleasure.
- Hello.

And this is my
beautiful daughter, Vicki.

Yes, she is.

Hi.

So, this, uh, marriage-a-thon
is your brain child.

Yes, it's spectacular.

Isn't it spectacular?

The winning couple will get
a brand new house, a new

automobile, and $50,000 cash.

I'll tell you, it
will be covered

by press all over the world.

Yes, I believe you're right.

Not to mention the
television special.

Oh, well, almost signed
by the network, dear.

Well, they say the wife
is always the last to know.

I was saving it as
a surprise for you.

Well, I can see why you
came up with the idea.

You two could pass for
newlyweds yourselves.

Will you join me at my
table for dinner tonight?

Oh, yes.

We'd be delighted.

Absolutely.

I look forward to it.

Vicki?
- Bye bye, Vicki.

Bye.

Bye bye.

Well, the captain's
gone now, Larry.

You can drop the act.

It's not an act, Sheila,
because I can't tell you how

grateful I am you came along.

Well, after 10
years of marriage,

I guess I owe you that much.

You don't owe me anything.

Couldn't you save me
from public humiliation?

I mean, can you
see the headlines?

The promoter of the
marriage-a-thon being

sued for two to four per--

well, you needn't worry.

During the cruise, I'm going
to be your devoted shipmate.

When we dock in la, i'm
going on permanent leave.

Hello, you must be
one of our brides-to-be.

Is it that obvious?

Well, you're
young, attractive,

and anxiously
waiting for someone.

My fiance, Brian,
and Marv, the best man.

Oh, the whole wedding party.

Well, I'm your cruise
director, Julie McCoy.

How do you do?
- Hi, Julie.

Emily Marcus.

Hi.

Oh, I see you're getting
a very thoughtful husband.

No, I bought these myself.

Oh well, as long
as he remembers

to show up for the wedding.

Right.

Just wait here for a second.

Marv.
- Brian.

Hi.

It's about time.

Come on, Emily's probably
on board waiting.

- Hold a second.
- It's time to sail.

Would you sit down
just for a minute?

We're gonna be late.

I'm not going.

What?

I'm not getting married.

I don't believe this.

What, did you break your
engagement with Emily?

Well, uh, yes and no.

What I mean is I
haven't told her yet.

That's kind of what I
want you to do for me.

Are you crazy?

Marv, you've always been
great at saving my life.

Yeah, I know.

All through school I did
your dirty work for you.

I know.

Remember in 11th
grade when you--

Brian?

--Saved my life--

Brian, this isn't
the 11th grade.

This is where I draw the line.

Make up an excuse.

I know you can do it.

This is the last
time, I promise.

How can you ask
me to do someth--

well, what do you know?

If it isn't good old merna.

Yeah, well that's us.

On again, off again.

Now it's on again.

Right.

I'll see you, Marv.

Brian?

I know you can do it.

Thanks.

Brian?

[Music playing]

[Horn blaring]

Hi.

[Inaudible]

You wanted to see me, merrill?

Oh, yes.

Uh, Mr. Evans asked
me to be a judge for

the marriage-a-thon contest.

Uh huh.

And I had to turn
him down because I'll

be too busy, so I'm appointing
you to take my place.

But merrill, I'll be
just as busy as you.

Busier, because
you'll also be a judge.

But look, i--

or find someone else.

That's an order.

- Gopher?
- What?

[Inaudible]

Oh, congratulations.

For what?

I hear you're a judge in
the marriage-a-thon contest.

Hey, wait a--
what, wait a minute.

Where did you hear that?

Oh, the captain told me.

Well, why me?

I told him i'd
be happy to do it,

but he thinks you'd
be better qualified.

Well, that's ridiculous.

You should be the judge.

You're the one that's
been married four times.

Exactly, but he thinks
I'm overqualified.

Overqualified?

Doc, come on.

Give me a break.

Oh, excuse me.

I'm Valerie Madden,
and this is rena ward.

Could you tell us
what cabin they're

using for the
marriage-a-thon contest?

Oh, are you two brides-to-be?

No, we're not.

We're two of the judges.

Judges?

Far out.

I'm burl Smith.

I am the third judge.

Well, that's great.

The three of us will be
working very closely together.

Hey, that is the
only way to judge.

Can we just get
started right now?

Tell the captain I think
he made a wise choice.

[Chuckling]

Tom?

Hmm?

Are you are all right?

Good, good, i'm
fine, fine, dear.

Why?

You do remember we're on this
cruise get married, don't you?

Of course I remember, honey.

Then why are you smiling?

What?

Why are you smiling?

Oh, I guess, uh,
because, uh, because we're

finally getting married
after all these years,

and I'm happy about it.

Or maybe you're
smiling because you're

thinking of another excuse
for us not to get married.

What?

Shut up, [inaudible].

Julie?

Julie?

Yes?

I'm kind of worried.

Brian and Marv didn't make it.

Oh, well, it's a big ship.

You probably just haven't
caught up with each other yet.

I've looked
everywhere for them,

and I can't find them anywhere.

Well--

Marv?

Marv prine, oh.

Julie?

Julie, oh, I was hoping
you'd be on this cruise.

You look great.

Oh, so do you.

Now, how are you?

Ok, how are you?

Good.

Am I the one getting
married, or is it you two?

Oh, we're old friends.

We met last year on
an Alaskan cruise.

That's right.

You were the best man at
Doug and Carol's wedding.

Right.

See, Julie?

Things never change-- always
the best man, never a groom.

Where's Brian?

Remember, the guy i'm
getting married to?

Yeah, well-- he
got detained, Emily.

Business.

Business?

At a time like this?

Well, you see, he
also lost his passport.

They said they'd rush
to get him another one,

but Brian just thought
that I should go on ahead

and he'd join us in Caracas.

Oh, no.

Oh, Emily, it's
only one more day.

I guess so.

Besides, better late
than never, right?

Yeah, better late than never.

Right, better late than never.

Dad?

You remembered.

I can't believe it.

You're here.

You-- you came for the wedding?

Sure.

Oh, dad, this is Carrie

Carrie, how nice to meet you.

Very nice meeting you, too.

This is some surprise.

Not as big as
the one coming up.

Hi, Carrie.

Mom?

Oh, this is fantastic.

Oh, I was hoping you'd come.

Oh, wait a second--

how did Mr. Lawrence
know that you were--

oh, well, we met when
we were checking in.

I'm Ted, Mrs. Walker.

[Interposing voices]

To both of you,
from both of us.

Oh, this is great.

Thanks for coming.

We won't forget this.

Hey, how's it going, Isaac?

For me, ok.

For him, great.

This nearly was mine.

Boy, you're lucky
you're not a judge, doc.

This job could kill a man.

I'm willing to die.

There you are, kid.

How do you like it?

Well, Larry, I'm not
divorcing you because I

didn't like our accommodations.

You always traveled first class.

Is there any other way?

Pretty flowers.

And fruit, and wine.

Well, the captain is
obviously impressed.

Why, Larry?

Because I still love you.

Sheila, it's not too late.

With all those bad
years behind us,

things are just beginning to
go great for me now, what with

the marriage-a-thon and the--

oh, stop it, Larry.

We've gone over this
too many times before.

Sheila, baby, I need you.

No, Larry, no, Larry.

All you ever needed was success.

Look, Larry, I
agreed to come along.

Now let's not make me
regret that decision.

Ok, ok, all right, all right.

But I do still love you, and
before this cruise is over.

I'm going to win you back.

Larry, when the
maid comes in, would

you have her make up the couch?

[Inaudible]

[Music playing]

Ed, listen to me,
you're just a kid.

When I was your
age, I wasn't even

thinking about getting married.

Oh, I'm not thinking
about it, dad.

I'm doing it.

Good evening.

Ah, so here I am.

So what are you two up to?

Oh, just a little
father-son talk.

Uh huh.

Great.

Well, look at your menu
and see what to eat.

And he says, look
around, big boy,

and see if you missed anybody.

Good evening, everyone.

Hi, doc.

Boy, the best jokes
come from Mazatlan.

Oh, doc heck.

Doc, this is Valerie Madden.

She's the editor of "bride
and groom magazine."

Pleasure to meet you.

And this is rena ward.

Rena is a professor of
psychology and the other judge.

Charmed, I'm sure.

May I?

Sure.

Well, we're just going to go off
someplace and discuss the rules

of judging, and since
you're not a judge,

you probably would
feel out of place.

Isaac?

Excuse me, have you seen Tom?

He was supposed to meet
me here 15 minutes ago.

I'm afraid he's flown the
Coop-- jumped ship, Isaac.

He doesn't want to marry me.

I know he doesn't.

Shh, shh.

It's Tom.

Hi.

Hi.

Gee, I'm sorry to be late.

You know, I don't
think I've seen a happier

group in my dining room.

Well, that's young
love for you, captain.

I wonder which ones will
make it without divorce.

It hits almost one out
of every two couples.

Yes, let's just hope
they're smart enough

to follow your example.

Well, a successful
marriage takes work, captain.

And if by chance you
make a mistake or two,

then you just have to work
at it that much harder.

Isn't that right, darling?

When I get married,
my husband and I

are going to make it stick.

My husband?

That sounds yucky.

Remember that
time in school when

someone let the air out
of my bicycle tires,

and you rode me
home on your bike?

And we stopped for hot chocolate
and went to the late movies?

Got home so late, I thought our
parents were going to kill us.

Remember that?

Who do you think let
the air out of your tires?

Well, hello.

How's the bride
and best man doing?

Fine, just fine.

Emily, I want you to
know that this lady

happens to be the world's
greatest cruise director.

Oh, how many cruise
directors do you know?

Well, Marv happens to be
my all time favorite guy.

Oh yeah?

How many guys do you know?

Great, great.

For a day that started
out so miserably,

it's turning out all
right thanks to you.

Mind if I join you?

No.

You know, I meant
what I said at dinner.

I have learned my lesson.

I do not want to lose you.

Oh, oh, oh, i--

I know that look.

Oh, I know what is going
through your brain.

You are thinking, should
I believe him this time,

or is that blankety blank
lying in his teeth again?

Well, believe it, baby.

It's the truth.

[Chuckles] [Snorts] The truth?

He wouldn't recognize
the truth if it jumped

up and bit him in the nose.

Oh, that was delicious.

Anybody for seconds?
- No.

- No way.
- No.

Well, I don't know
about all of you,

but I'm not going
to insult the chef.

Come on, Ted.

Keep your old man company.

Don't worry, gluttony
doesn't run in the family.

Oh, Ted is so terrific.

Yes, he does seem
like a very nice boy.

Ah, but you're both so young.

Mom.

How do you intend
to support yourselves?

We'll get by.

Maybe we'll win the $50,000
in the marriage-a-thon.

You never know.

Carrie, be practical.

You've only known him
a very short time.

Two months.

There is no way that
you can know that you are

really in love in two months.

Mom, I'm not a kid anymore.

I'm 18.

I know what love is.

Mom--

Ted, I know from
experience-- you can't get

to know a person in two months.

Dad, we saw each
other every day.

We're together
practically all the time.

Well, you don't rush into
something this important.

You've got to get to
know each other better.

How long did you
and mom go together

before you were married?

Well, that's exactly
it-- a year and a half.

Right, and you
ended up in divorce.

Uh, well, don't
change the subject.

Marv.

Hi.

Ah, a pretty nifty
outfit you got on there,

and you're only the best man.

Thanks.

You don't look too
shabby yourself, there.

Emily, listen, I don't
want you to feel that--

I mean, if you want to hang out
with your friends over there--

oh, please, I just
listened to 20 couples each

tell how they met
and got engaged.

That could get a little old.

A little.

- Hi, Marv, Emily.
- Julie.

Hey, Julie.

Oh, the radio room finally
got through to the hotel

in St. Thomas.

They said that Brian
had already checked out.

Great, oh.

That means he's definitely
going to meet us in Caracas.

Oh, well, I hoped that would
bring a smile to your face.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm so excited.

I can't wait for
him to get here.

Yeah, me, too.

Mind putting a head on that?

Certainly.

Mary's not here yet, huh?

No, not yet.

You know, Isaac, I love Mary.

In fact, she's the
only woman I've

ever loved in my whole life.

It's this getting
married business--

you mean you still
don't want to get married?

Oh, I want to get married.

In fact, I wish Mary and I
were on this cruise celebrating

our 50th anniversary.

Hey, well, then
what's the problem?

It's those first 49
years I can't deal with.

Oh, yeah.

Mrs. Evans?

Oh, I envy you, captain.

You have a beautiful life here--

the ocean, your ship.

Vicki.

Oh, especially Vicki.

You know, I always
wanted to have a family.

But with Larry, you're
constantly on the move.

Maybe some day.

You'd make one
heck of a mother.

You think so?

I've just about run out
of arguments with Ted.

I'm not getting
anywhere, either.

But then, what kid ever
listened to his parents?

Hm, you're right.

Maybe that's where
we went wrong.

Well, what do you mean?

Why don't we agree with them?

Why don't we tell them we're
not opposed to the marriage?

What?

And then when their guards
are down, you work on my kid,

and I'll work on yours.

How do we do that?

Well, just very
slyly and subtly

exaggerate all their faults.

Oh, that is hitting
below the belt.

Mhm.

An evil idea.

Mhm.

And I like it.

[Laughter]

No, no, Mr. Mcmann.

No, I do not believe the
definition of a perfect husband

is one who never gets caught.

Well, maybe you're right.

He's not perfect, just lucky.

Yes, well, let's get
started with the test, now.

Ladies, make a list
of those 10 qualities

that you think make
the perfect husband.

Gentlemen, make a list
of those 10 qualities

you think make the perfect wife.

All ready?

Begin.

Well, if you want to live that
way, that's up to you, I guess.

In my opinion, I think
your theories are ridiculous.

Why?

Because I don't live in
the dark ages like you do?

Oh wait a minute,
dark ages, I don't--

in my opinion, a couple is
compatible only when they're

psychologically well matched.

That makes sense.

Psychologically well matched?

Well, what if the bride
doesn't know the first thing

about cooking, and
the-- and the groom

comes home every night
to a burned dinner?

[Interposing voices]

[Inaudible]

What?

Pardon me.

What's going?

What?

Boy, I really
feel sorry for you.

Being a judge, you always end
up in the middle of arguments

and petty jealousy.

You know something, doc?

I think you might be right.

Well, of course I'm right.

I tell you what I'll do.

What?

I'll speak to the
captain about getting

you out of being a judge.

You'd do that for me?

What are friends for?

Excuse me, uh, gopher.

Yeah?

You've heard our arguments.

Do you agree with
rena or with me?

Gopher: Well, I, uh--

but don't you agree there
are more important things

in a marriage than a home?

Doctor, forget about
talking to the captain.

I don't want to bother
him with my problems.

Doc, you have no one
to blame but yourself.

Gee, uh, I don't think
I can help you [inaudible]

Excuse me, Mr. Evans?

Cablegram?

Oh, thank you, Julie.

Oh, that's what I've
been waiting for.

It's from the
television network.

They're buying the
marriage-a-thon special.

Well?

Lookin' good.

Looking good.

Marv, there are a lot
of girls on this ship

who aren't getting married.

You don't have to spend
all your time with me.

I know.

But I'm glad you did.

I'll tell you, you dance
a lot better than you did

when we were in high school.

Yeah, that's because
now you let me lead.

Well, here we are.

Good night.

Good night.

And thanks.

When Brian gets here,
remind me to tell

him what a super friend he has.

Yeah, sure.

Good night.

Good night.

Marv, hi.

Hi, Julie.

Where's Emily?

She went to bed.

Oh, I bet she wants to
look good for Brian tomorrow.

Yeah.

Marv?

Julie, I need to talk.

Well, I remember after
the Alaskan cruise,

we promised to be
friends for life.

Yes.

What's the problem.

It's Brian.

He's not detained
again, is he?

No.

I made that up.

Julie, he's not coming at all.

He ran off with
an old girlfriend.

What?

What a [inaudible].

Yeah.

He left you to tell Emily?

I just couldn't do it.

She's such a great girl, Julie.

I mean, she-- she's
everything a man--

she's definitely
too good for Brian.

It sounds like you have a
little feeling of your own

for her.

Maybe more than a little?

Marv, first things first.

You have to tell
Emily about Brian.

I know, I just--

I just don't have the
heart to hurt her.

Well, if it'll help,
I'll go with you.

We can go right now.

No, not now.

I'll do it in the morning.

Thanks, friend.

Have a good night.

You're sure you're
not jealous, doc?

Me, jealous?

Hah.

You know, those
two ladies will not

leave me alone for a minute.

Hey, gopher, you know, I may
have many character defects,

but I have never been
a jealous person.

If you're having
fun with those two

lady judges, more power to you.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, doc, boy, I can't tell you
how glad I am to hear that you

feel that way, you know.

Ah, gopher.

Oh, Valerie.

Hi.

You promised to have
breakfast with me.

When can we meet?

Soon.

Soon?

Make it very soon.

Anyways, I was
saying, jealousy

is just a waste of time.

Hey, I hear you, doc.

Gopher?

Oh, rena.

Hi.

Gopher, you've been jogging.

Yeah.

I just love a man
who stays in shape.

You bad boy, you.

You forgot all about
our drink last night.

Oh, gee, I did forget.

Oh.

I'll forgive you if
you take me to breakfast.

Would you excuse me
just like a second?

Doc?
- What?

Yeah?
What?

Doc, doc, now, these
two women are really

coming on strong to me, now.

Do you think you
can help me out?

I need a favor?

Gopher, anything.

You name it.

Help Julie with bingo.

I'm going to be tied up.

I'm ed white.

Oh.

Boy, this is a terrific
contest you're putting on,

Mr. Evans.

Yes, see, my girl and
me, we sure hope we win.

Yeah, those are some prizes.

I mean a house, a
car, 50,000 in cash?

You know, if I were to
win a house and a car,

that would be plenty for me.

You could keep the money.

Oh, isn't this beautiful?

Look at those white caps.

They must be 5 to 10 feet high.

Hey, good morning.

Oh, good morning.

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, fine.

The early bird catches
the love birds.

Good to see you.

All right.

He's a nice young man.

Tom, another thing.

You know, we never really
discussed where we're going

to live after we get married.

Well, i-- I was
was just thinking,

that little house
your brother has,

that's the kind of
house we ought to buy.

Are you kidding?

You don't want to
live in a house.

You live in a house, you spend
all your time cutting the grass

or shoveling snow.

Oh, well, I think we'll
just get a little apartment.

What?

And have the neighbors
upstairs driving

us crazy with all their noise?

Uh uh, no thanks.

Wait a minute, Tom.

There are only two
places to live-- either

in a house or an apartment.

Well, yeah, but i--

i--

oh, I see what you're up to.

What?

You're trying to think
up another excuse for us

not to get married, aren't you?

Well, yeah, but--

well, let me tell you
this, Mr. Thomas j. Mcmann,

we're getting married this
time if we have to set

up housekeeping in a tree.

Yeah, but-- but--

don't but but me.

Come on.

Gopher: Ladies and
gentlemen, in a few minutes,

we will be docking in la guaira,
the port of Caracas, Venezuela.

Enjoy your day here.

Remember, we will be sailing
again at 6:00 pm this evening.

Morning.

Hi.

I got here as soon as we docked,
but Brian hasn't shown up yet.

Oh, yeah, right.

Something the matter?

Yeah.

It's Brian.

Is he all right?

Oh, yeah, he-- he's fine.

He's fine.

Um, it's just that, uh--

he's not meeting me here.

No, no, he's not.

He got delayed again?

Now he's going to have to
meet us at curacao, right?

Right, that's right.

He said curacao to
begin with, actually,

and I got all mixed up,
and I told you Caracas.

I'm s-- I'm sorry.

How could you make
a mistake like that?

Well, that wasn't
easy for you.

She took it hard.

I didn't tell her, Julie.

I said that Brian was
meeting her at curacao.

Oh, Marv.

I just couldn't
tell her, Julie.

I couldn't.

I know how you feel.

Oh, what a mess.

Marv.

You know, people always
say how free seamen are,

how we're always
traveling, going places.

Actually, I spend most of my
time confined to a small area.

Well, people are confined
in more ways than one.

Sometimes, people just
don't understand each other.

I understand one thing.

You and your husband
are having rough times.

Now, does it show that much?

Only because you're
trying to hide it that much.

Now, I may be a nosy
captain, but it seems to me

when a marriage has
lasted that long,

you should have a careful
look before it's thrown away.

It's true.

You know, it's obvious your
husband loves you very much.

Thanks, captain.

Oh, [inaudible],,
you don't have

to make up the couch tonight.

[Knocking]

Yes?

Oh, hi.

Is Mr. Evans in?

No, may I help you?

No, I don't think so.

Well, I'm Mrs. Evans.

Oh, well, sure.

Tell him I talked to my
fiance, and it's a deal.

It's a deal?

Yeah, he'll know
what it means.

Thanks.

Uh.

Wait, uh-- a deal?

Hi, love birds.

Oh, Isaac.

Are you ready for the baby
diapering contest tomorrow?

Oh, uh, that's
one we can skip.

Oh, no way.

I always used to do it
for my sister's baby.

Now I'll be able
to diaper our baby.

Uh-- our baby?

Wait a minute, you--

are you telling me you've got
a baby we don't know about?

No, I mean, I expect to have
a baby after we're married.

Oh, hon-- honey, honey,
you're too old to have a baby.

I mean, I mean,
uh, I mean I'm too

old to-- to-- to have to
listen to a baby cry all night.

If I'm too old to have a baby,
it's because you've dragged

me through ten engagements.

You know, you can
always adopt a baby.

That's right, Isaac,
we can adopt one.

All right.

All right, I'll adopt
one on one condition.

What?

On the condition that on
the day we adopt the baby,

the baby is 22 years
old, has his bags

packed, and is ready to move
in to his own apartment.

And you can just
move in with him.

But-- aw, honey?

Honey?

Honey, we can get together on
Thanksgiving and Christmas,

and I'll even take you for
a drive on mother's day.

Excuse me, aren't
you number 22?

Well, yes.

I'll never forget a number.

You know, this is
a very good idea, you

and I getting to know
each other better.

Right.

I mean, how are you going to
hate your in-laws unless you

really get to know them, hm?

Uh, were you
exaggerating when you said

Ted had all those girlfriends?

Well, I suppose some of
them don't really count.

I mean, they were only
around for a week or two.

That's the way Ted
always was-- in and out

of love at the drop of a hat.

Oh.

I'll tell you more later.

Carrie, a-- a spendthrift?

I never noticed that.

She spends money like
it's going out of style.

Oh, but don't worry about it.

You'll earn a lot.

You'll have to.

Hi, mom.
Hi, Ted.

Well, how's it going?

Everybody getting to
know everybody else?

Ah.

I hope you're keeping
the scoring up to date.

Now, we have to
announce the winners

the night before the wedding.

Don't worry, Mr. Evans.

We're working on it.

Every hour of the day.

And the night.

Larry, excuse me.

May I speak to you?

Oh, yeah.

A little dangerous
[Inaudible] baby.

What is it?

Larry, a young man came by the
cabin and he wanted to see you

and he left a message.

Yeah?

It's a deal.

What's a deal?

What does that mean, Larry?

Oh, that.
Oh, yeah.

Nothing.

I want to know, and
I want to know now.

It doesn't-- it doesn't
mean anything, Sheila.

Oh, come on, Larry.
No more lies.

Now what-- now what kind
of a deal did you make?

Nothing, nothing.

Larry, I'm not letting up
on you until you tell me.

Ok, fine.

The network deal
fell through and I've

already spent the money.

So I made a deal with the kid.

He wins the contest.

He takes the house and the
car, and we keep the cash.

Larry, you're never
going to change.

What?

We're finished.

Oh, Sheila, listen, come on.

It's a dumb, stupid contest.

Who cares who wins?

Listen, we need the money.

I have to do it.

No.

All right, I'll
share your secrets,

but I'm not going
to share your cabin,

and I'm certainly not
going to share your life.

You're seeing mount
avila in the background

as we leave Caracas and head
on a northwesterly course

to our next port
of call, curacao.

Marv?

Hi.

You look very pretty.

Oh, thanks.

I just wanted to say
I'm sorry for the way I

acted this morning.

I was mad at Brian, and
I took it out on you.

Pretty dumb of me, huh?

You've been nicer
to me than anyone.

Emily, uh, I have
to talk to you.

Oh, you don't
have to apologize.

You made an honest mistake.

So I'll see Brian the day after
tomorrow instead of today.

Big deal.

Uh, Emily--

I love you.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Mrs. Evans?

I'm sorry to
bother you, captain.

It's just that,
you see, well, i'm

going to need another cabin.

Uh, Larry and I are finished.

Oh, I've taken more
than a careful look.

It's over.

I'm sorry.

Well, I don't
need anything fancy.

Whatever's available.

Problem is,
nothing is available.

We're booked solid.

Oh.

You can have my
cabin, Mrs. Evans.

I'm sorry, I couldn't
help overhearing.

That's very
sweet, but I really

couldn't take your cabin.

Oh, I'll sleep
here in the office.

It'll be fun.

Now, just a second, please.

If anyone is going to
sleep in the office,

that person will be me.

Oh, i--

no, I insist.

Besides, when you consider the
fact that sometimes the captain

is expected to go down with the
ship, this isn't all that bad.

[Music playing]

Larry: That's right,
fellas, that's right.

Changing baby's diapers nowadays
is the job of both parents.

However, daddies, your turn will
undoubtedly come at 3 o'clock

in the morning in the dark.

So, on with the blindfold, and
let's start making the diapers.

All right, remember, our judges
will be watching every move

you make, so be careful.

Shall we begin?

One, two, three, and go.

[Chattering]

Ow.

Oh.

Where did you learn
to do that so well?

I always paid attention when
my mother was diapering me.

Will you just let
me do it my own way?

It has to go between the
legs or it won't count.

You do it.

The groom is supposed
to do the diapering.

That's the contest.

I'm now diapering.

I told you, I didn't
want to have a baby.

This isn't a baby.

It's a doll.

I know it's a doll.

If I'm too old to have
a baby, I'm certainly

too old to have a doll.

Oh, come on.

Just do it.

Oh, you.

[Nervous laughter]

Well, you know
what statistics say.

The average American couple
has a child and a half.

You can have my half.

How could you give that
couple such a high score?

They're not even married and
they hate each other already.

Well, you know nothing
about psychology.

Arguing is healthy.

Really?

Well, then you must be one
of healthiest girls in town.

Excuse me, ladies.

As a medical man, perhaps
I could be of some aid

in helping you make
a judging decision.

No, thank you.

We only discuss
judging with the judges.

Well, hi, girls.

Are we having a little
disagreement here?

Oh, gopher, I've
got to talk to you.

Me, too.

Ok, well, why
don't we go somewhere

and discuss this in private?

Gosh, no rest for
the weary, doc.

Now, come on both of you.

You're here to get
married, so you've

got to make up right now.

If I get married, I
want to have children,

even if we have to adopt them.

How about it, Tom?

Do you agree to have children?

Ok, one.

Ok, one.

See there?

Now, you're both
together again, all

ready for the wedding ceremony.

Are you ready to say I do?

Me?

Yeah.

I've been ready to
say I do for 10 years.

By this time, I should
have said I did.

[Laughter]

How about you, Tom?

Are you finally
ready to say I do?

Of course.

I've always loved Mary, and i'm
perfectly ready to say I, uh--

oh, I, uh, i--

I, uh, I, uh--

what are you up to now, Tom?

Nothing, i'm, i'm
trying to say i--

i-- i-- i-- I uh, uh, uh--

look, Isaac, he's trying
to wiggle out of it again.

Tom, are you playing games?

No, I'm trying to say i--

i-- uh-- but I can't say i--

i--

listen, we're getting married.

No, do you hear what I'm saying?

We are going to get married.

Mary, believe me, I'm trying
with all my might to say i--

i-- i-- i--

i-- i-- i-- i--

Tom, this is a matter
of life and death--

my life and your death.

[Nervous laughter]

I, uh--

i-- i-- i--

i-- i--

ooh.

[Moaning]

[Laughter]

Rena: Oh, no.

[Smooching]

[Sighing]

You do agree with me, then,
than um, psychological factors

are much more important
than cooking or baking

to make a successful marriage.

Oh, I don't know.

I guess I'd better hear the
other side of your argument.

Oh?

Mhm.

Yeah, I'd say it was the
sheer logic of your argument

that convinced me.

See you later.

[Knocking]

Hello?

Oh, hi, gopher.

Sorry to bother you.

I couldn't sleep.

Oh, you know, being
a judge and being

responsible for
picking a winning

couple is making me nervous.

Well, hey, you'd
better come inside.

We just can't have a
nervous judge, can we?

Mhm.

This is so
beautiful, isn't it?

I wish Brian was
here to see this.

Sometimes I can't believe
I'm getting married.

I bet you'd make
a great husband.

What kind of girl
are you looking for?

A girl just like you.

This is a great
time to tell me.

You should have told me
the day you let the air

out of my bicycle tires.

We could have been
married 10 years by now.

Uh, Marv, this is wrong.

I'm getting married to
Brian, and he's your friend.

He's not my friend.

He's not yours, either.

Emily, he's not coming.

He told me to break
the news to you.

Yeah, I should have told
you before, but uh--

i-- i-- that's it.

He's not coming-- not to
curacao, not to Panama City,

not to acapulco.

He's not coming.

That's it, period.

Sorry.

[Theme music]