All language subtitles for The Love Boat S03E22 Dumb Luck 1080p WEB-DL AAC2 0 H 264-squalor_track3_[eng]

[Theme - Jack Jones, "the love
boat theme"]

Theme song: Love,
exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, like sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat.

Soon we'll be
making another run.

The love boat.

Promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love!

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

Counting heads,
Mr. Washington.

No, sir.
Tips.

[Laugh]

They look like a
fun-loving crowd.

Yes.

Oh.

Who belongs to this?

"An analysis of
non-euclidean geometry in dio--

diophantine equations."

Someone brought a little
light reading for the cruise.

Oh, that's mine.

I must have dropped it.

It looks like
difficult reading.

Oh, I hope not.

Since I'm the one who wrote it.

Oh.

Well, it does look fascinating.

Isaac: Yeah.

Don't ruin it for me by
telling me the ending.

I promise.

Carol, hi.

Julie.

Hey.

Hello.

Oh, captain stubing,
Isaac Washington, I

want you meet Carol ketay.

We've already met.

Professor ketay.

Carol was the biggest brain to
ever graduate from Haley high.

Are you still working
at that think tank?

Mhm.

Think tank.

That's where people
work together

to solve difficult problems.

Right.

Isaac: Oh, that's like
when the crew gets

together to work things out.

The only difference is our think
tank usually runs on empty.

[Laughter]

Sometimes ours
runs on empty too,

but we're smart enough not
to let anybody find out.

See you later.

Bye.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me.
Are you all right?

It's all right.

Yeah.

I hope we have nice
weather for the cruise.

Oh, we should.

The synoptic readings indicate
that the barometric pressure

should continue
to hold, and we've

had little barometric variance.

That's great.

That's great.

Well, uh, so long.

That's a very
impressive young lady.

Yeah.

Her only problem is
she's so smart that she

sometimes scares men off.

Well, thank goodness you
don't have to worry about that.

I won't fight you
for her, captain.

I know she's your type.

She may not be
my type, but she

does happen to be my passenger.

Hello.

I'm Mrs. Gertrude
Benson, and I wonder if--

are you with the ship?

Welcome aboard, Mrs. Benson.

I'm captain stubing,
and this is Dr. Bricker.

How do you do?

How do you do?

I wonder if you could tell me
how to get to promenade 342.

Not only can I tell you
how to get to your cabin,

it will be my personal
pleasure to escort you.

Hold it!
Hold it!

Just a second here.

This happens to be a married
lady you're mauling here,

my wife.

Now, you just keep your filthy
lecherous mitts to yourself.

You're going to wind up
with a knuckle sandwich.

I was just going to
show her to her cabin.

You were going to what?

I was just going
to show her to--

listen to me, sailor
boy, and listen good, huh?

You lay your hand
on this lady again--

I catch you taking just a
sneaky peek in her direction,

you're going to
wind up shark bait.

Now, just a moment, sir.

That goes for
you too, four-eyes.

Come on, toots.

Degenerates.

Like I said, I won't
fight you for her.

You can set the bags
right down here please.

Oh, si, senora.

Thank you.

Hello.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hello.

Floyd and Alice
gaines, and son Keith.

Hi, Keith.

Hi.

Hey, would you like to look
around while we check in?

- Sure, dad.
- Ok.

Let's see, gaines.

Hi.

Oh, hi, kid.

If I'm a kid, you
must have been traveling

on the senior citizen discount.

But you sure look
young for your age.

Did you have a face
lift or something?

Who are you?

I'm the captain's
daughter, Vicki.

Captain's daughter.

Could you show me some secret
parts of the ship later?

Of course.

Man (on pa): Last call.

All visitors ashore please.

All visitors ashore.

[Horn blaring]

Hi, Isaac.

Hi.

Tell me has Carol been sitting
by herself all afternoon?

Nah.

I think she's been walking
by herself for most of it.

That's no way to
spend a vacation.

I think she's about
to reel in a live one.

Oh, good old doc.

Hi.

Writing a letter home?

Daily crossword.

Crossword.

I'm a crossword freak.

Mind if I help.

Not at all.

Hm.

I need a five letter for kerf.

Kerf.

With a k?
- Right.

Notch.

Right.

Notch.

Ok.

Another five letter
word for obsidian.

Obsidian.

Obsidian.

Look.

Why don't I let
you do this alone?

You wouldn't have any fun if
I gave you all the answers.

Excuse me.

Got it.
Glass.

Glass.
Right.

Aren't you glad I
didn't tell you?

If she can
discourage doc, she's

going to be mighty lonely.

You're lucky.

This whole ship is yours.

Well, not quite.

Even though my father's the
captain, I can't just say, dad,

can I borrow the ship tonight?

Hey, can we go in there?

Don't you see the sign?

It says "positively
no admittance."

I know.

There's never
anything interesting

in a room with a sign that
says, "come in and look around."

Come on.

I thought I was supposed to
be showing you around the ship.

(Whispering) We
shouldn't be here.

Well, we're here now.

I have an idea.

If we leave now, we
won't be here now.

This is fun.

It's like an adventure.

Well--

come on.

[Clatter]

[Whimper] Was that you?

No.

I thought it was you.

It wasn't me.

But if you hear teeth
chattering, that's me.

Hi, gang.

Gopher.

Gopher, you see that
girl over there?

Yeah.

Listen.

She's really very nice, and
she's an old friend of mine.

And I'd really appreciate it--

say no more.

You want me to charm her, right?

Give her some kicks.

Put a thrill on her
otherwise humdrum life?

You got it.

Afternoon, miss.

Burl Smith at your service,
assistant purser and a pisces.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Carol ketay.

Hey, wait a minute.

Don't tell me.

Legal secretary, right?

Uh.
No.

Beautician?

Uh, no.

Ah, wait a minute,
dental technician.

Nuclear physicist.

More power to you.

She's getting better.

He lasted two seconds
longer than doc.

It's so dark.

Can you see?

No.

But we'll get used to it.

I'm scared.

There's nothing
to be scared of.

[Clatter]

What are you doing here?

Who are you?

I am--

I am Luis.

He carried our
luggage on the ship.

I'll bet he's a stowaway.

I want to go to
Mexico to see my mother.

Please don't tell on me.

Don't worry.

Nobody's gonna tell on you.

Will we?

My father's the captain.

I can't hide a stowaway
from my father.

Oh, excuse me, miss.

You're getting pretty red.

You can get a nasty burn
if you don't use lotion.

Oh, doctor.

Thank you, but I do have lotion.

All right.
Great.

Great.
Use it.

Oh, doctor.

If you don't mind, I can't quite
reach the backs of my legs.

Well, I'm sure Mr. Benson
would prefer doing it.

But he's not here.

He isn't?

Oh.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, where is he?

He's on the fantail,
skeet shooting.

[Gunshot]

Oh.

You touch that lady again,
you're gonna need a doctor.

[Gunshots]

And so it is hereby decreed
that the three mortal beings

here assembled do solemnly
swear to take this blood oath

and remain steadfast friends
throughout their entire lives.

Do we really have to seal
our friendship in blood?

A simple handshake won't do?

With blood we're
blood brothers.

With a handshake we're
only handshake brothers.

Now give me your pin.

Everybody hold out your fingers.

[Wince]

We got to get Luis
something to eat.

How we gonna do that?

Leave it to me.

Gopher.

What?

Have you seen Carol?

Oh, well, gee.

Isn't she in her room splitting
an atom bomb or something?

Julie, why didn't
you tell me that she

is a nuclear physicist?

What difference
would that have made?

Oh, heck none.

I just would have
brushed up on my latest

copy of science comics.

Gee.

Poor Carol.

Can you imagine me
feeling sorry for her?

Kinda like daffy duck
feeling sorry for Einstein.

[Inaudible]

Excuse me, gopher.

Hi.

Hi.

This certainly is
a beautiful ship.

Yeah.

You're really
having a good time.

I can tell.

I wanted a rest.

Yeah.

Well, part of my
job is to make sure

that all the
passengers are enjoying

themselves, so come on.

Where?

Well, no questions.

Just come on.

No napkin.

Thank you.

Here, dad.

You have to have some
of this French bread.

Why?

Is it especially
good this evening?

Well, no.

It's just that I think you look
so much better since you've

gained so much weight.

[Mumbling] No thank you.

Vicki, what happened
to your finger?

Oh, it's nothing.

You know, paper cut.

Keith, what happened
to your finger?

Um.

I cut myself too.

Paper cut.

Really?

You mean you both cut
yourself with paper

in the exact same place?

That's very strange.

We did it on
the xerox machine.

Two copies.

You all right?

Oh, yes.

I'm all right.

Why do you ask?

You suddenly stopped smiling.

And I was just telling Keith
how happy you seem lately,

which really proves fat
people really are jolly.

[Laughter]

[Clears throat] I'm really
not very hungry this evening.

Here.

Let me just take that
back to the kitchen

and get it out of your way.

May I be excused?

I wouldn't want a
young lady to have

to carry a heavy plate of
food like that all by herself.

Oh no.

Not this table.

Please.
- Who?

Not him.
No.

Who?

Who?

Is this table 17?

Yes.

No.

Table 17.

Right.

Oh.

Allow me, my gem.

Thank you, sweetheart.

There you are.

Thank you.

It's ok.

- Good evening.
- Evening.

Evening.

Menus.

Oh my goodness.

What an extensive menu.

How will I ever decide, darling?

I'd be happy to make
a suggestion to madame.

Oh, would you?

Huh?

Well, knock it
off, hash-slinger.

The woman belongs to me.

I'm the only guy that
makes suggestions.

You got it?

Yes, sir.

And keep your
thumb out of my soap.

Perhaps, a little filet mignon
for my pretty little filly,

huh?

I don't know
about steak, dear.

Um.

Huh?

What do you recommend, doctor?

Ah, I would recommend
you ask gopher.

All right.

What would you suggest?

Well, the stuffed
breast looks good.

You little punk.

I meant the veal.

The stuffed breast of veal.

Veal, huh?

Yeah.

Sure you did.

I ought to belt you right in
the chops, you little nerd.

Come on, precious.

We'll dine in our cabin.

Oh, all right.

Creeps.

That's the last time I
have dinner with a vip.

Vip?

Violently insane paranoid.

This is going to be
a knock out on you.

Oh, come on, Julie.

The dress I have on
is perfectly nice.

It's comfortable, and
it's just been pressed.

You're talking comfortable.

I'm talking sexy.

Well, the only
way you're going

to get a man with that dress
is if you tie him up in it.

So who told you
I wanted a man?

Carol, you're talking
to me, Julie McCoy.

The girl who had to unstick
your head from the transom

above the boys locker room.

We were kids then.

And now that
we're all grown up,

we never think about men, do we?

Well, I admit that
there are moments

when visions of the male
animal do invade my thoughts.

You mean sometimes
you are hot to trot?

You have a way with
words, don't you?

That's the trouble isn't it?

I mean I'm just not good
at social situations.

I'm not good at small talk.

I'm not.

Well, I think that's
because your small talk

goes over most people's head.

It's just the curse of
having an IQ of 150.

160.

What do you want me to do?

Have a lobotomy?

No.

But I think we could face facts.

Right now, you talk
smart, but you dress dumb.

I suggest we
reverse the process.

Dress smart.

Talk dumb?

I think it'll work.

Luis.

Gracias.
Gracias.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

I was so hungry.

Gracias.

Hey, Luis, we're
all blood brothers.

Blood brothers don't
have to thank each other.

That's right.

We just bleed for each other.

My mother will be so
surprised to see me.

How long has it been
since you've seen her?

Long time.

Since I came to California
to live with my uncle.

Well, you'll see
your mother soon.

I dreamed of
going back to Mexico

and bringing my mother
wonderful presents.

But maybe she'll be
satisfied with just me.

Maybe your mother can
have you and the presents.

Oh, good evening, captain.

Good evening, Mrs. Benson.

Where's your husband?

I'm about to meet Milton
in the, um, acapulco lounge.

Oh, please.
Allow me.

It's on the riviera deck.

Oh.

Oops my watch.

Thank you.

No.

Don't go.

I'm stuck on you.

What?

What was that you
said to my wife?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Benson, but--

listen, skippy.

How'd you like to have an
anchor stuck up your nose, huh?

Come on, ginger.

Let's you and me go and do
a little cheek to cheek.

Hey, buzz off, bellhop.

Before you start
your own dead sea.

[Fabric rips]

Sick.

Uh.

Hey, what's the
matter with you guys?

Instead of just standing
around doing nothing,

you could be having a great
time with Julie's friend Carol.

Oh yeah.

Think of the fun you can
have with a logarithm table.

Please.

I've had my share
of mercy dates.

Mhm.

Mercy date.

Mercy, mercy, mercy.

Well, hi, Carol.

Great to see you
again, miss ketay.

You'll excuse us, guys.

We'd rather not mingle
with the hired help.

Carol.

How about it, baby?

I do a mean rumba.

It's too bad they're
playing a bossa nova.

Can't you hear that complex
of asymmetrical rhythm

superimposed over
four-four beat?

That's very interesting.

Let me write that down
before I forget it.

Yeah.

Carol, you're forgetting
t-d, talk dumb.

Excuse me.

Um.

This may sound a little
corny, but have we met before?

Before what?

Uh.

Would you like to dance?

Alone?

No.

No.

With me.

Oh.

Yes.

Oh, excuse me.

Could you help me please?

My door doesn't seem
to shut properly.

Oh.

Of course.

Aren't you Mrs. Benson,
whose husband is such a--

devoted man?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

But he's in the casino now.

Oh.

Well, in that case, uh,
I'll see what I can do.

Thank you.

Besides, he's no good
at mechanical things.

Except guns of course.

Guns?

He manufactures them.

[Knocking]

(Whispering) I
can't get it open.

What are we gonna do?

Oh, what are we going to do?

Is that you in
there, [inaudible]??

Yes, dear.

Oh no.

I don't want to die.

Oh.

Hey.

Hello.

You, uh-- you're all alone.

Aren't you?

I thought I heard voices.

Voices?

[Giggle] No, sweetheart.

I'm all alone.

Yes.

Oh, don't-- don't shut the door.

No.

The um-- handle--
the knob came off.

Yeah.

Huh.

Well, why don't you just go
let the maintenance know,

my dumpling.

Oh, I didn't think of that.

You can handle
those little jerks.

Yes, dear.

Sure you can.

Mrs. Benson: What
are you going to do?

I'm just going
to take a shower.

No, no, no.
Stop.

What?
Why?

Mrs. Benson: Turn it off.
- Why?

What's wrong?

The purser just phoned,
and there's an emergency.

There's, um, a terrible
shortage of water.

Turn off the water.

There's a shortage of
water, and you're not going

to be able to take a shower.
- What?

No.

Not until tomorrow.

Well, this some
lousy cruise we're on.

Oh, certainly is.

Yes.

Ship's falling apart.

Yeah.

The crew's a
bunch of sex fiends.

Here we are in the middle of the
ocean, and we run out of water.

I know.

It's just so stupid.

I agree with you, sweetheart.

Did you really play
college football?

Yeah.

I was a wide receiver.

Oh.

You must have lost a lot
of weight since then.

You know, you're terrific.

And you're so naturally
funny that, well, i--

sometimes I forget how
incredibly beautiful you are.

I--

aye, aye.

What's that?

(Squeaky voice) Maintenance.

Good night, captain.

You again?

Why don't you get
married, pervert?

Pervert?

Hey, where you going?

I got to take care
of some business.

Well, what about Luis?

Well, later.

Later.

So things went
well last night, huh?

Talk about an understatement.

Hm.

[Giggle] Well, it's great
seeing you so happy?

Who do you want to meet today?

Will you hold it a minute?

I'd like to get to
know Chris better.

I mean I think we
have a lot in common

if I can ever get beyond.

(Sexy voice) To me
the two greatest

men of the 20th
century are Albert

Einstein and Chuck barris.

And not necessarily
in that order.

Well, don't knock it.

Talking dumb seems to
have worked so far.

Morning.

Oh, good morning.

No matter how much you insist,
I really must be going.

Td.

Td?

It's short for toodledo.

You know, after I
left you last night, i--

I couldn't sleep a wink.

You know why?

You had liver and
onions for dinner?

No.

It's you.

You are perfect for my libido.

Oh.

Well, personally I
prefer American cars.

Isn't this sun wonderful?

Yeah.

But you know too
much sunlight it's--

it's very bad for you.

We should go to someplace
where it's shady.

Did you have
any place in mind?

Well, my cabin.

That sounds pretty shady.

So much money.

First, I'll buy my
mother a pretty dress.

But where'd you
get all the money?

Are you kidding?

That's just some
loose change I came

across when I was changing from
one pair of paints to another.

Boy.

Am I lucky to find
a friend like you?

Hey, we're not just friends.

We're blood brothers.

Mr. Gaines, I can't
say it's never happened,

but it is rare for
money to be stolen

from a passenger's cabin.

You said $200 was taken, sir.

$200 exactly.

You've got a thief on your ship.

Hi.

What's up?

It's nothing that
concerns you, honey.

A robbery on ship
concerns everybody.

What do you plan to do, captain?

Well, I'm sure you
realize that investigating

something like this among the
passengers is very delicate.

Well, maybe you better begin
by investigating the crew.

Keith: Oh, the
crew didn't do it.

Floyd gaines: Hey, how do you
know the crew didn't do it?

Well, it's just that
the crew seems so nice.

You've raised a very
bright son, Mr. Gaines.

He's right.

The crew is nice.

Nice?

I can vouch for the honesty
of my crew, Mr. Gaines.

Don't worry.

We'll find the guilty party.

Ah, this looks like
a nice spot, darling.

All right.

Uh-huh.

A little sun and salt air.

Yes.

Oh, you always-- always
pick the perfect place.

[Chuckle] What a woman.

Not only gorgeous
but grateful as well.

Oh, milty.

There you are, my treasure.

[Groan]

Ooh.

Oh no, no, no, my sweetness.

Huh?

Cover up.

Got to cover up.

The form divine is
not for these swine.

Oh.

Now, on the high
seas a body like yours

would drive men
stark raving mad.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Ahh, snoopy doo.

Ah, sneaking a
little peak were you?

Huh?

I caught you.

I caught you.

You slimy swab
jockeys are all alike.

A bunch of peeping Toms.

Yeah.
Go on.

Go on.
Run along.

You should be up there
steering that barge.

You know, popeye.

Just take two aspirins and
call me anytime you want.

Adam.

Adam, you've got to give
me something for my nerves.

This morning Mr. Gaines accused
one of the crew of stealing.

And after that, Mr. Benson
accused me of playing

around with his wife.

You don't have to tell me
anything about Mr. Benson.

The nut mistook me for a skeet.

That man's insane, isn't he?

Well, he's just very
jealous about his wife.

Both: Insane.

He should be in
a straitjacket.

Merrill, why don't you go
into my examination room?

Take your clothes off.

I'll have a look at you.

Probably all you need
is a mild tranquilizer.

[Knocking]

Ugh!

Maybe a strong tranquilizer.

Doctor, I think I've
broken out with a rash.

No.

It's just a sunburn.

I warned you.

Well, it doesn't look
just like a sunburn.

It looks exactly
like a sunburn.

Look.

Here.

Take this ointment, and
call me in the morning.

Well, aren't you
going to examine me?

Look.
It's all over.

[Knocking]

Mr. Benson: You in there, Trudy?

You're right.

It's all over.

If he's hiding in
there, he's a dead duck.

Let's get started.

[Gasp]

[Mock gasp]

Now, wait.

I can explain.

What?

You too, butcher boy?

Wh-- what is this?

An orgy?

Now, listen.

I'm a doctor.

Your wife came to see
me because of a rash.

Oh, sure, sure.

So what's the head
monkey doing here?

We'll, he's here
for a checkup.

No.

No, doctor.

No explanations.

For the last time, Mr. Benson, I
am not running after your wife.

I am trying to run this ship.

Hm.

In the nude, snoop?

Huh?

A little massage time?
- No.

Please, Milton.
No violence.

You promised.
- All right.

I know.

Sorry.

Yes, I promised.

And I kept it twice with--

yes, dear.

If I catch these two mutts
sniffing around you again, i--

I'm not going to
responsible for my actions.

- Yes, dear.
- Come on, Trudy.

Yes, dear.

Yes.

Mongrels.

I think I'll take
that tranquilizer now.

Get in line.

Let me get the light first.

There we go.

Sideways.

Oh, right.

Thank you.

You ok?

Yep.

Oh, gopher, thank
you so much for helping

me carry these cushions.

I never could have
done it by myself.

Hey, listen, Julie,
we're shipmates.

You don't have to thank me.

Just remember you owe me, right?

All right.

Gopher, look.

There's food down here.

Yeah.

That's strange.

Candy wrappers on the floor.

And here's some cheese.

Where?

Right here.

Hey, wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute.

Here's the little mouse.

Who are you?

What's your name?
- What's your name?

Come on.
We won't hurt you.

I promise.
- Don't be afraid.

Everything's all right.
- We won't hurt you.

What's your name?

Do you really
have to leave now?

Well, it'll be
time for dinner soon.

Besides, I think we've
had enough shade.

[Laugh] You're
really something.

You know that.

I'm-- I'm going to
miss you, Carol.

Am I going somewhere?

No.

I mean after the cruise.

But Los Angeles and Phoenix
aren't that far apart.

I mean we'll see each
other all the time.

We'll see each other
some of the time?

We'll never see each other.

Carol, you're
a wonderful lady.

I like you.

I really do.

You're sweet.

You're romantic.

But I have to be
honest with you.

I need more than that.

I mean for a lasting
relationship, a man and a woman

need to talk about more
important things than--

than just the moon.

You mean you think i'm
not smart enough for you?

Well, i--

you mean you think I'm dumb?

Look.

Why don't we have have
a real nice dinner?

Why don't you go sit on it?

$180.

$200.

Well, captain, I really
must commend you for finding

the stolen money so quickly.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I never stole anything ever.

I'm not a thief.

Tell me, son.

Did you have this money
with you when you brought

our luggage on board ship?

No.

Thank you, captain.

[Sigh]

Captain, look at that face.

He isn't guilty.

No way.

Where did you get
the money, Luis?

I can't tell you that.

Why can't you tell me that?

Because I can't tell
you why I can't tell you.

Ugh.

I have blood brothers.

I swear to them.

Where'd you get the band-aid?

I'll tell you what, Luis.

You're going to have dinner at
the captain's table tonight.

Be sure to invite Vicki
and the gaines family.

Yes, sir.

I think we'll have
some lively conversation.

Gopher (on pa): Good evening.

The ship will remain in
acapulco until 12:00 midnight.

For all those not
dining ashore there

will be a main seating dinner
in the coral dining room.

Can you believe it?

I mean can you actually,
genuinely, truly believe this?

Ok.

You proposed to him,
but he turned you down.

Well, I mean I didn't
get down on one knee

and ask for his
hand in marriage,

but the message had
to be perfectly clear.

Did he tell you why?

Are you ready for this?

It is because I,
professor Carol ketay,

phi bet, summa cum
laude, carnegie

fellow, rhodes scholar--

I am too dumb.

You are?

I mean he said that?

Well, he might as well have.

I hate that man.

I hate him.

Seems more to me
like you love him.

Who asked you?

You got any ideas?

Yeah.

Since you caught
him by talking dumb,

maybe if you want to hold him
you should start talking smart.

How is it for a girl
with only a b average,

you always have all
the right answers?

Good evening.

Good evening.

Shove off, swab jockey.

That seat's taken.

Sweetheart.

Captain.

Mhm.

I-- I really don't
understand why we're rehashing

this unpleasantness.

Well, I was just hoping that
we could settle this mystery

of someone stealing your $200.

It seems to me
that the mystery

was solved a long time ago.

Things aren't always
as they seem to appear.

However, in this case, it seems
clear that Luis is guilty.

I'm sorry, Luis.

I hate to do it, but
right after dinner,

I'm going to have
to turn you over

to the acapulco authorities.

I'm sorry.

But the law is the law.

No.

Leave him alone.

Luis didn't take the money.

He didn't.

Keith, Keith, that's enough.

Now, son, the boy is guilty.

He's going to have to
take his punishment.

But don't you understand?

I did it.

Me, I'm the thief.

Keith.

Not so fast, young lady.

You also have some
explaining to do.

Sit down.

Keith, you know how I hate
dishonesty, don't you?

Yes, sir.

Well, son, it was not only
dishonest for Luis to steal

my money, you see,
but it was also

dishonest for you
to try to protect

him by saying you took it.

Your father's right, Keith.

But I must say I like you
trying to protect your friend.

But I wasn't trying
to protect him.

I did take the money for Luis
to buy his mother presents.

We have everything, and
they've got nothing.

[Sigh]

I understand.

But the way you went
about it was wrong, son.

But you did it
to help somebody.

I'm very proud of you for that.

The way it ended up I really
didn't help anybody at all.

Well, you know, if we took
that $200 and we bought Luis'

mother some presents, maybe we'd
all be helping each other, huh?

Uh, captain.

Oh, yes, Isaac.

Uh, I don't want to
worry you or anything,

but Mr. Benson is
looking for you.

Thank you, Issac.

You just worried me.

Oh, hello, Adam.

Say, would you like to come to
my cabin for a game of chess?

Oh, thanks, merrill,
but I was planning

to turn in early tonight.
- Yeah.

Me too.

Just a quick game.

A quick game of chess?

It's an order.

(Sexy voice) Isn't that
big old moon pretty tonight?

Carol, I'm sorry.

I feel terrible about what I
said to you this afternoon.

I fell more terrible
about how I said it.

It's not as if I
thought you were dumb.

I didn't mean that.

Oh, I know you
didn't mean I was dumb.

You just didn't
mean I was smart.

At least, not smart
enough for you.

No, no, no, not exactly.

I understand, Chris.

In the time we spent together, I
did talk about moonlight a lot.

However, I didn't
tell you everything

I know about the moon.

For instance, um, the
moon is the closest

celestial body to the earth at a
mean distance of 238,857 miles.

As you well know,
the moon revolves

around the earth in 27 days,
seven hours, and 43 minutes.

And is visible due to
reflection of solar radiation.

Now, three different
theories have been advanced

as to the moon's origin.

Independent formation, formation
via fission of the earth's

surface, and captured by the
earth's gravitational field

after formation elsewhere.

Now, would you like
to hear about the sun?

Yes.

Every morning as it comes up.

I'd like to hear that
for the rest of my life.

Would you?

It's really getting
late, merrill.

I better turn in.
- Oh no.

You can't.

I mean, I mean, sure, Adam.

Sure.

Whenever you want.

It's just that-- well, haven't
you ever had one of those

nights where you just
don't want to be alone?

Yeah, but then I
usually hit on girls.

So good night, merrill.

No, Adam.

You can't leave me!

Now, this wouldn't
have anything to do

with Milton Benson, would it?

Whatever do you mean by that?

[Knocking]

Gopher: Sirs, are you ok?

It's gopher and Isaac.

[Clears throat]

- Good evening.
- Yes.

Please, please.
Come in.

Come in.

I thought you were
that maniac Benson.

Oh, we thought we'd
check on you, because we

were worried about you.
- Yes.

Well, I appreciate your loyalty.

But the four of us together,
there's nothing he can do.

[Knocking]

Mr. Benson: You
in there, captain?

(Womanly voice) Wrong cabin.

(Whispering) In.

(Whispering) Let him in.

(Whispering) Let him in.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Good evening.
How are you?

Good to see you.

- You're all here, huh?
- Yes.

We're all here.
- Here we are.

Well, that's good.

That's good.

Because I got something for you.

[Shouting]

Believe me.

Believe me, Mr. Benson.

No one here ever made
an advance to your wife.

I know that.

Then, then, why have you
been acting like a madman?

Acting.

That's the key word, captain.

You see that woman
means everything to me.

The most wonderful,
thoughtful woman in the world.

Nothing she wouldn't do for me,
the greatest wife a man ever

had.

But you know, I know
she's not exactly

a raving beauty anymore.

You know, a little
over the hill.

They don't call her to
be queen of the may.

So that's why I put on that
crazy jealous act, you see.

Makes her feel like
the most beautiful

attractive woman in the world.

Then, why are
you holding a gun?

Huh?

The gun!

The gun.

Yeah.

Benson 32 automatic.

It's the top of the
line that I manufacture.

I'm giving it to you, captain.

What?

No, no.

No, no.

Just a little gift.

Oh.

To apologize for my
outrageous behavior.

All right.

All the trouble I
caused on the cruise.

Well, thank you.

Thank you very much, Mr. Benson.

Thank you, captain.

Doc, gopher--

thank you.

Isaac.

Oh, thank you.

Thanks a lot for
a wonderful cruise.

Yes.

It was our pleasure, sir.

Our pleasure.

All right.

I bet he had you
all scared, didn't he?

Goodbye.

Thank you for everything.

Goodbye, Mr. and Mrs. Gaines.

It was our pleasure.

I'm only sorry you missed
seeing Luis and his mother.

She was thrilled
with the presents.

We're pleased just
hearing about it.

Yes.

We are.

Captain, what about
Luis being a stowaway.

Will there be any charges
brought against him?

No.

I spoke with him.

He understands what
he did was wrong.

Vicki and I are paying his fair.

I'm taking $1 out
of her allowance,

and the rest is coming
out of my allowance.

Are you going back
to the think tank

after you're married?

Of course.

But after a day
in the think tank,

now I'll be going home for
a night in the hot tub.

Ah, that's what I like.

Clean living.

Thanks for a great cruise.

Ah, you're welcome.

Me too.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

I'm just glad that everything
worked out for both of you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess it was just dumb luck.

Oh.

[Laughter]

So long.

Bye bye.

Goodbye, Mrs. Benson.

I hope you enjoyed the cruise.
- Oh, I did.

Very much.

Yes, it was wonderful, but
before Milton gets here,

I would like to
apologize and explain.

You see, my husband is,
well, he loves me so much

that he's just
crazy with jealousy.

And that's why I purposely
make myself look so drab.

Because if I didn't I
might attract some man,

and heaven knows
what Milton would do.

Yes.

Still trying, huh?

Right to the picture ending.

Come, my darling.

Yes, dear.

Penguins.

Mr. Benson definitely goes in
our album of cruise memories.

[Laughing]

[Theme music]