All language subtitles for Auntie Mame English

I, Edwin Dennis,
being of sound mind and body,

do hereby bequeath
to my only son, Patrick,

all my worldly possessions.

In the event of my demise,

I direct my faithful servant,
Norah Muldoon,

to deliver Patrick
to my sister and next of kin,

Mame Dennis, at 3 Beekman Place,
New York City.

The expenses of his upbringing
shall be supervised

by Mr. Dwight Babcock,

acting for the Knickerbocker
bank as trustee,

with the full power to keep
that crazy sister of mine

from doing anything
too damned eccentric

and bringing him up
to be anything like her.

Since I keep myself
in splendid physical condition

through workouts daily
at the Chicago brokers club,

I am confident
that these provisions

will not go into force or effect
for many years.

I hereby affix my hand
this 14th day of September,

in the year 1928.

You've been reading this
for a week, Norah.

Why did you bring it
to New York?

It's the only way I can
make meself believe it.

Besides, I thought
your Auntie Mame

would like it
as a remembrance

of your poor
sainted father.

Don't you be going
by way

of the north pole,
driver!

We're not greenhorns,
you know.

That's 95 cents.

Here's a dollar.
Keep the change.

Like the ladies'
rest room

in the oriental
theater.

Oh, child!

You're not scared,
are you, Norah?

Of course not.

And don't you be,
child.

Norah's here
to look after you.

Saints alive!

You want?

Is this...Could this be

the residence
of Miss Mame Dennis?

Mame Dennis?
Oh, yes.

I'm Norah Muldoon,

and I'm bringing
young Mr. Dennis to his aunt.

Oh, you come in.
You wait. I fetch.

Madam having
affair now.

Oh!

Isn't he wonderful?

Help is on the way,
darlings!

Henri! Ca va?

Mame!
Mame!

That adorable
little bootlegger

is on his way over here
with another gallon of gin.

Oh, Allen, darling,
I'm so glad--

Edna, I called you
yesterday.

Hello, Mame.

I'll be with you
in a minute.

Vladimir! What on earth
are you doing here?

Drinking myself
to death, of course.

Besides, I am
your guest of honor.

Of course. It couldn't
happen to a nicer fellow.

You must hear his new symphony,
The Pastoral.

It has real airplane motors
and live sheep on the stage.

It's devastating,
simply devastating.

You've met our guest of honor,
Vladimir Klinkoff, Mrs. uh...

Mrs. Klinkoff.

Yes, of course.
Then you've met.

Oh, Perry! Doris!

Now, where are you
off to?

Everyone's
going to Clifton's.

It's nearly 7:00.

I'll be there in a minute!
Tell them to wait for me.

Oh, dear.
The employment bureau

didn't tell me
you were bringing a child.

No matter. He looks like
a nice little boy.

If he misbehaves, we can always
toss him in the river.

I'll give you my
life savings, mum,

if you let us escape

from this den
of criminals.

Dr. Feuchtwanger,
just in time.

You better get this woman
on your couch.

I'm not that kind
of woman, mum.

I'm looking for
a Miss Mame Dennis.

Ito, Ito!

Yes, missy?

Oh, Ito, show this woman
to the kitchen

and get her started
on the glasses.

Oh, Missy Dennis,
this not dishwashing lady.

Oh, then I must have
invited you.

Won't you have a drink?

I'm Norah Muldoon.

Didn't you get my
telegram from Chicago

saying we'd arrive
at 6:00 today?

No, that's not possible.
Your telegram said October 1st.

That's tomorrow.
This is September 31st.

No. 'Tis the 1st.
Curse the evil day.

Everybody knows
30 days hath September,

April, June, and--"

oh!

But, darling!

I'm your Auntie Mame!

Oh, quiet!
Quiet, everybody!

I have an important
announcement to make!

This is my little boy!

Oh, no, no, he's not really
my little boy.

He's my late brother's son
from Chicago,

my only living relative.

That's all we have,
just each other.

My little love!

Well, what's--what am I
going to call you, dear?

Pat.
Patrick Dennis.

Oh, I know
the Dennis part, darling.

From now on,
you must call me Auntie Mame!

Well, well, well, well, now,
would you like a mar--

no. Is it your bedtime,
dear? No, it can't be.

No, the powder room.

You'd like to use
the powder room.

No, no, food! That's it!
You must be famished.

You come right along
with me.

Oh, take your shoes
off, darling.

It's like removing
your hat in America.

Before the sukiyaki,
a little hors d'oeuvre.

Could I try some
of that jam?

Jam?

That BlackBerry jam.

Of course, darling.

Actually, it's sort of
a fishberry jam.

It's called caviar.

Some pickled octopus,

raw fish tails...

It's salty, kinda,
but I like it.

Good, darling.
You have wonderful taste.

Ha ha ha ha!

Vera! Oh.

Vera,
this is my little boy.

Patrick, I want you
to meet a star,

one of the great ladies
of the theater

and Auntie Mame's
dearest friend,

Vera Charles.

Hello.

How do you do?

She just loves
little boys.

Yeah.

Oh.

Who's he?

That's a Lithuanian
bishop, darling.

Doesn't speak
a word of English.

Stimulating man!
Oh, your grace.

He's such a darling

and so worldly
for a man of god.

And so everything
in the universe

is composed of
the elements of Aristotle.

Thus, man himself is fire,

dust, and air
mingled with water.

Acacius, darling,

this is my little
nephew, Patrick.

This is Mr. page,
dear.

Gnothi Seauton.

That means
"know thyself."

Mr. page is
a great educator.

He runs a school
down in the village

where they do all sorts
of advanced things.

Do you think you might
find room for Patrick?

- For him, yes!
- Ah!

In this boy, I see already
the fire, dust, and air.

Well, we'll just
add water and stir.

Do you think you might
want to go there, darling?

Do they wear uniforms
in your school?

In my school, young man,
we wear nothing.

It's heaven!
It'll stimulate his psyche

and stir up his libido.

What's libido,
Auntie Mame?

Libido is--I'll tell you
what we're going to do.

Every time you hear a word
you don't understand, dear,

take this pad and pencil
and write it down.

Later on, Auntie Mame
will explain it to you.

I'm off, Mame!

Lindsay! Lindsay,
this is Patrick.

Patrick, I want you
to meet Lindsay Woolsey,

the publisher--
nautilus books.

Hello.

Hello, young man.

Circulate, darling,
circulate.

Well, Mame,
new man in your life?

Little Patrick.

Guess I won't be
seeing much of you.

Ah, nonsense, Lindsay.
We'll be going to

the zoo, the aquarium,
the philharmonic.

We'll be together
constantly--

the three of us!

That's exactly what
I had in mind.

Good night,
Mame.

Good night.
Watch it, Phyllis.

Boy, it's been
some party!

Good night. It was
so good of you to come.

You played beautifully.
I can't thank you enough. Ah...

Dasvidaniya.

Good-bye, Mrs. uh...

Of course, of course.

There you are,
my little love.

Well, you come over here
with your Auntie Mame

and sit down for one minute,

and we'll really
get to know each other.

Well, now, read me all the words
you don't understand.

"Libido,

"inferiority
complex,

"Stinko, Blotto,
free love,

"bathtub gin,

"monkey glands,

Karl Marx--"

is he one of
the Marx brothers?

Oh, oh, no, dear.

She last pretty good
tonight, missy.

Marie Antoinette
room again?

Yes. Perhaps she'll wake up
without a head tomorrow.

Oh, and Ito, get that
dog of a dress off her.

Me tuck her in.
Hee hee hee!

Is the English lady
sick, Auntie Mame?

She's not English, darling.
She's from Pittsburgh.

She sounded English.

When you're from Pittsburgh,
you have to do something.

Now, where were we?

"Narcissisistic,

Lysistrata,

"Cubism, squiffed,
neurotic,

heterosexual--"

oh, my, my, my!
What an eager little mind!

You won't need some of these
words for months and months,

but your vocabulary
does needs working on.

Didn't your father
ever talk to you?

Hardly ever.

I only saw him
at breakfast time.

What did he say
then?

He usually said,
"pipe down, kid.

The old man's hung."

That's succinct.

What did you do
in Chicago for fun?

Well, Norah took me
to the movies

every Saturday
afternoon.

I played Parcheesi
with the doorman

once in a while
until he got fired.

Didn't they do anything
cultural for you in chic--

well, never mind.

Your Auntie Mame's going
to open doors for you, Patrick,

doors you never
even dreamed existed!

Oh, what times
we're going to have.

What on earth did I do
with that will?

Now,
it's here someplace.

Ah! Here we are!

Well, now, "get mahjong lesson,
hair done, fitting."

That can't be it.
Yes, it is it.

Oh, dear. This is

a legal-looking
document.

There's a lot of
folderol here about

the Knickerbocker bank
and some Mr. Babcock

who's been appointed
your trustee.

Oh, I see
what that means.

I have
the responsibility,

and your trustee
has the authority.

Norah took me to a movie once
about a trustee.

There was a big prison break,

and the trustee saved
the warden's little daughter.

This isn't
the kind of trustee

that lives in prison,
dear...

As a rule.

Mr. Babcock. We'll tackle
him in our own good time.

Now, Patrick, is Auntie Mame
anything like you expected?

No, ma'am. The only
picture I saw of you

was with a shawl

and a Rose in your teeth...
Like a Spanish lady.

It's in my suitcase
that's coming.

Didn't your father
tell you

anything about me
before he died?

Yes, ma'am.

Oh,
and what was it?

Oh, come now,
my little love.

You must always
be perfectly frank

with your
Auntie Mame. Now...

Well, my father said

since you're my
only living relative,

I might be living
with you someday

and...

Well?

But that to be left
in your hands

was a fate he wouldn't
wish on a dog.

That...

What's that,
Auntie Mame?

That is a "B,"
darling,

the first letter
of a 7-letter word

that means
your late father.

Come, child.
I'll show you your room.

It's a cozy little nook,
darling,

and my loom
is by the window.

Do you like
to weave, dear?

You can sit at it
by the hour.

I had instruction

from a descendant
of Pocahontas.

I began with
an enormous rug.

It's that bell pull
by the fireplace.

Your own little den.
Oh!

How stupid of me.

I gave up weaving
for sculpture.

That is, a sculptor
friend of Auntie Mame's

used this room
for about 6 months.

A divine man!
Such talented fingers!

Oh! What they did
to my bust.

That's the head,
you know.

I guess it's not
quite ready yet.

I know--the Marie Antoinette
room. No, no, Vera's there.

Camp out with me
for tonight, dear.

Oh, shall we try
this out for size?

There.

Ah! Perfect!

Well, shall we--

I'll do it.

Oh, sheets.
Where were the sheets?

What time will you be home
from that party?

What makes you think
I'm going to any party?

Just as I was gettin'
used to all them dragons.

What is it?

Don't ask me.
I didn't paint it.

I just hung it up. Can I
get in her bedroom now?

At 2:00? You'll be lucky
to get in there by 5:00.

She's still sleepin'.

Well, I'll get started
in the other bedroom.

Can't go in there
either.

Why not? She ain't sleepin'
in 2 bedrooms, is she?

Oh, no. It's the first lady
of the American theater

out cold
in the guest room.

Again? What does she do,
live here?

Miss Charles
don't live here.

She drinks here and does
her passin' out here.

It's a wonder the blood
hasn't turned to vinegar.

2 weeks, I've been here,

and they've had
13 cocktail parties.

Only 13 in 2 weeks?

They had to call one off.

The bootlegger
couldn't come that day.

Auntie Mame!
Auntie Mame!

Auntie Mame!

Hmm?
Wha--what is it?

What happened?

I've got something
to show you.

Look!

Ah! Bats!

Oh.

I built it myself.

See? It's got
a rubber band motor,

and I whittled the body
out of balsa wood.

Please, darling.

Your Auntie Mame
is hung.

Oh.

Oh, sure,
Auntie Mame.

Sure.

Oh, Patrick,
Patrick, come back.

You know I really
am interested

in all your projects.

Child, how can you see
with all that light?

Ah! That's better. Now be
an angel and run to Ito

and tell him to bring me
a very light breakfast--

black coffee
and a sidecar...

Oh, and a cold towel
for your Auntie Vera.

Is she in the
guest room again?

Since Sunday, dear.
Run along, darling.

Oh! First come and give your
Auntie Mame a good morning kiss.

Ooh, gently, darling,
gently.

Mmm!
That was lovely!

Oh, you know I really am
fascinated by aviation.

I never knew before

they did it all
with rubber bands.

Oh!

Uhh!

Hello?

Miss Dennis?
Yes, she's here.

Who's calling, please?

Hold the wire.

It's Mr. Babcock from
the Knickerbocker bank.

Oh, I've been
dodging him for days.

Well, hello,
Mr. Babcock.

How nice to hear
your voice at last.

I, too,
am looking forward

with anticipation
to meeting you.

Oh, the little lad
is fine, just fine.

He, too, cannot wait
to meet you.

Hurry my tray, darling.
Auntie needs fuel.

Oh, do drop over anytime,
Mr. Babcock.

In how many minutes?!

Well, yes, 57th street

is right in my neck
of the woods.

Spitting distance?

How vivid.

Yes, well,
come right along then.

You can join me
for breakf--tea.

Number 3 Beekman Place,
right away. Vera!

Vera!

Vera.

Vera, Vera.

I am about to
be attacked

by the Knickerbocker
bank.

Oh, that's lovely!

Vera!

Oh! Why did
that oriental sandman

let me sleep
in my best Chanel?

He tried to
get it off you,

but you bit him.
Patrick's trustee,

some hideous man from
the Knickerbocker bank,

is about to descend
upon me like a vulture

and Rob me of my child!

He's coming here...
In the middle of the night?

Oh!
That moon's bright!

Vera, will you stop
being silly?

Don't you realize

I have got to make
the right impression.

You have no idea
how conservative

the Knickerbocker
bank is.

They're so conservative,

they don't pay
any interest at all!

All right! Let's get organized.
What time is it...

And what day is it?

Oh! Blessed mother
of Maud Adams!

I was due at
the theatre guild an hour ago!

You cannot desert me
in my predicament.

Look at my face. What on
earth am I going to wear?

How can I face
the theatre guild?

Will this make me look
like a Scarsdale matron?

Have you ever been
to Scarsdale?

Good afternoon,
aunt Vera.

- Yes, dear.
- No, dear.

Do the Lillian Gish
routine--you know,

simple dress,
Madonna-like hairdo.

Madonna-like hairdo!
Oh, that's it!

That's it!
A switch! A switch!

You've got one?

Dozens!

Mame, don't you ever
throw anything away?

Who knows when I may go
back to one of these colors?

If you kept your hair
natural the way I do--

if I kept my hair natural
the way you do, I'd be bald.

Try this.
You need a dress

like the one I wore as--

hey! That's stunning!

Oh, isn't it? That's
my new Maggie Ruth.

I haven't had it on yet.

I'll be damned if
I'll put $500 on my back

for that awful man!
A suit--that'll do it.

Hold this, so I can braid it
so it likes a halo.

I've got to get
over to the guild!

He can't see you looking
the way you do.

He'll think I run a house
for wanton women!

Relax. If it makes you
feel any better,

I'll wear your mink.

Over my dead body.

This Maggie Ruth
is heaven!

You know,
green suits me.

I think
I'll phone up Maggie.

Oh, Vera, come
put this on my head.

Hurry! It doesn't matter
how it looks.

But I've got to
get out of here!

Don't you dare leave me.
You go back to bed.

You couldn't care less
about my career--

Not already! Norah!
Ito, answer the door!

I've got to get out
before he gets in!

I can't leave you
standing down there

like a Fuller brush man
in the doorway!

Why can't you
be my friend?

Well, I've been
a friend of yours--

darling,
go downstairs.

Make Mr. Babcock
feel at home,

like Auntie Mame
taught you.

What about
the theatre guild?

Vera, get out
of my way.

What am I gonna do with
this damn stinking halo?

You want?

I'm Mr. Babcock.

Miss Dennis
is expecting me.

Oh, you come in.

Thank you.

I take coat?

Thank you.
Thank you.

You sit.

Thank you.

Mr. Babcock?

That's right, Sonny.

We've been
expecting you.

My name is
Patrick Dennis.

Fine, fine.

Please sit down,
Mr. Babcock.

Fine, fine.

Hey.

Oh.

Hee hee hee!

Auntie Mame
will be right down.

She's having a little
trouble with her halo.

She'll be right down.

Heh heh heh.

Well, you look like
a bully little chap.

Yes, sir. A bully
little chap.

You look very bully, too,
Mr. Babcock.

Yes.

Would you care for a Martini,
Mr. Babcock?

Well, uh--

dry or extra dry?

Uh, wha--

sit down, please,
Mr. Babcock.

I'll make them like I do
for Mr. Woolcott.

Stir, never shake.

Bruises the gin.

Would you care
for an olive?

Auntie Mame says olives
take up too much room

in such a little glass.

Ah!

Why, Mr. Babcock.

What an honor it is

to have you
in our little home.

Though I wonder
if it does make

the best
first impression

on a sensitive
young mind

to see you drinking
during business hours.

But--but he--

don't you worry.

I won't breathe a word

to the Knickerbocker
bank.

Just one minute! Where
did this boy learn to mix--

Mr. Babcock,
knowledge is power.

That, Miss Dennis, is
exactly what I'm here for,

to discuss this
youngster's education,

his proper
education!

Nuts.

No, thank you.

Won't you sit down,
Mr. Babcock?

This little fellow

won't have to worry
about his future.

All of his money
is in good, steady bonds.

But I'm sure you'll agree
it's high time...

- Jelly beans?
- Thank you.

That he's enrolled
in an institution of learning.

I'm already
enrolled--

let Mr. Babcock
talk, dear.

I've gone to some pains
to gather information

on a number of

the better boys'
schools in town.

Personally, I prefer
coeducational schools.

What do you mean?

Coeducational means

boys and girls go
to school together.

I know! I know!

First on my list
is the Bixby school,

which is known
to be splendid.

Have you considered
a school in the village

run by Acacius Page?

It follows ancient
Greek principles,

and yet it's wonderfully
progressive.

Your late brother's will
was most specific!

"Conservative schooling,"
he said.

Of course, there's
always my Alma mater,

St. Boniface,
in Massachusetts.

Oh, no, no.
Too far away.

You'd better settle
on the Browning school.

It is known to be
eminently conservative,

and this gives
the boys basic--

oh, oh...That's
enough candy, dear.

Oh, sorry.

Not you,
Mr. Babcock.

You can have
all you want.

Ah!

Now, have you thought
of the Dillman school?

That's right here--

no, no. That's a little
too experimental.

We want to keep the riffraff
out of the boy's life.

The school we choose must be
exclusive and restricted.

Exclusively what
and restricted to whom?

We must spare the boy
certain influences

from the wrong side
of the tracks,

shall we say?

Mr. Babbitt--

Babcock.

Oh, yes...

It was very good
of you to come.

What school is it
going to be?

You name the school
of your choice.

Patrick and I will
know what to do.

I'd say Bixby.

Uh, then,
bully for Bixby.

I'll make out a check
to the Bixby school.

You'll take the boy down
and register him.

Whatever you say.

I say I'm very happy
to have met you.

After the reports
I'd heard,

I was prejudiced,
and not in your favor.

Tch, tch, tch.

I find you a woman
with a very powerful charm.

And you're a man with
a very powerful bank.

Ha ha ha!

Floor all
scrubbed, Fraulein Dennis.

Clean just like old country.

I go now, I get lamb chops,
bottle milk for boy.

Pick up my coat!

Bye,
Auntie Vera!

Bye, kid!

Don't drop anything,
Lindsay.

Oh, what a marvelous
October day,

October's
bright blue weather.

All we've seen is the inside
of department stores.

Haven't even had a chance
to call my office.

Oh, stop complaining,
Lindsay!

Mame, when will we have
some time to ourselves?

Time...oh, Lindsay,
don't you realize

I've had to make up
for--oh, thank you--

Patrick's 10 neglected
years in a few months.

Dr. Spock says
it's impossible.

Does Dr. Spock
also happen to mention

the child needs a father?

Tch, tch, tch.

A lot of women think
I'm reasonably attractive.

Don't start that
again.

Besides, how can I
be a wife?

I'm too busy
being a mother.

Oh! Oh--

oh--one moment, uh--

thank you. Thank you.

Oh, my hat!

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I do hope
that Patrick likes

the chemistry set,
the books, the atlas,

the Kipling.

Mame, I don't like
your latest fad.

Fad--Patrick?

Yes. I've seen you
through yogi,

soap sculpture,
modern dance,

and nature foods.

I've seen you
take each one up

as if nothing
else existed,

then I've seen you
drop them all.

You think Patrick

is just a temporary
enthusiasm?

It's called molding
a new little life.

Don't be ridiculous!

You've been in a mood
all day long.

There you are, you deceitful,
irresponsible bohemian!

Mr. Babcock,
whatever do you mean?

You're no more fit
to raise a child than Jezebel!

My little love!
Something's happened to him!

Come here,
you little heathen!

Patrick, Patrick,
what's wrong?

He came over
to my school--

I'll tell you
what's wrong!

I dropped by
the Bixby school.

I find he isn't even
registered there.

He never has been!

So I have been
hunting through

every low, crackpot school
in this town.

I finally found him
in the lowest of them all!

Mr. page
is a progressive educator.

There they were,
a schoolroom full of them--

boys, girls, teachers--

romping around
stark naked,

bare as the day
they were born!

I assure you the children
under Mr. page's care

were engaged in healthful,
broadening pursuits.

Broadening!
You show them

what you were doing
when I broke into that place!

We were playing
fish family,

a part of
constructive play.

Listen to this!

Show me, darling.

We do it after
yogurt time.

Mrs. page
and all the girls

crouch on the floor
under the sun lamps.

They pretend
to be lady fishes,

depositing their
eggs in the sand.

Then Mr. page
and all the boys

do what
gentlemen fish do.

What could be more
wholesome or natural?

Natural?

Well, it might be
natural for a sardine!

Can you imagine
how I felt--

Mr. Babcock, I consider
your behavior most undignified.

Undignified? At least
I'm wearing a vest.

Making a scene,

causing what might well be

a traumatic experience
for this child.

I know how you can
twist things around.

So I'm getting out
of this

combination
nudist camp/opium den

before you make me
look like

the vice president
in charge of free love!

Mr. Babcock,
not in front of the b-o-y!

Tomorrow morning,
I, me, personally

am taking this kid
off to boarding school.

I am placing him
in St. Boniface academy

where he will stay!

You'll only get
your depraved hands on him

Christmas and summer!

And I wish to heaven
there was some way

I could stop you
from doing that!

Auntie Mame,
do I have to?

Please, Mr. Babcock
I'll do whatever you say,

so long as the boy
can stay with me.

He goes, and he
goes tomorrow!

Let's be reasonable--

I'm going to turn
this kid into

a decent god-fearing
Christian

if I have to break

every bone
in his body!

If you'll give me
another chance--

I wouldn't give you
the time of day

after the dirty double-
cross you pulled on me!

You can't take him!
He's all I have!

You have him ready

at 8:00 sharp
tomorrow morning!

And, kid, you'd better
be wearing knickers!

But I want to stay
with you, Auntie Mame!

I don't want to go to
that old St. bony-face!

Oh, now hush.

Hush, my little love.

Well, I, uh...

I'm sure St. Boniface
is really very nice.

You go upstairs
now, dear, and...

Get ready for dinner
and...

We'll talk
about it later.

Lindsay...

Lindsay,
what am I going to do?

Mame, I'm sorry.

Well, I, uh...

I just don't think
I can bear it.

I just don't.

Mame, I...

I've never seen
you cry before.

Mame!

Mame! Hey, Mame,
are you home?

Is that you,
Vera?

What on earth
does she want?

Have you talked
to your stockbroker?

Yes,
I can see you have.

What about him?

Don't you know?

He's called me
half a dozen times

trying to locate you.

What happened?

Oh, nothing, except nothing's
worth anything anymore.

Hello.

Don't you worry,
Mame.

It can't possibly affect
people like you and me

who have a lot of
solid stuff like

bank of
the United States.

Missy Dennis,
stockbroker want to say hello

before he jump
out of window.

How bad is it, Arthur?
Not bank of the United States?

Atwater Kent, too?

Mame...Mame,
I'm afraid you're wiped out.

We all are.

Everyone said
I was such a fool,

spending all my
money at Tiffany's.

Who gives a darn about money?
I've lost my child.

What?

Patrick's trustee's
sending him away to school.

Oh, Mame, darling,

I know
how you must feel.

Do you?

Of course I do!

I never
had a child,

but after all
I am an actress.

I can imagine.

Vera, there must be
something I can do!

I've got it--
the perfect solution!

It'll solve everything!
You're going to work.

Work? What at?

You'll return
to the stage

in my play,
Midsummer Madness!

There are dozens of
parts to go around!

We open Thanksgiving
in new haven.

I'll call up Max
first thing.

Do you think
I could?

Of course, you could.
Couldn't she, Lindsay?

Let's face it--you'll have
to work at something.

Now, the only chance
of getting Patrick back

is to show this Babcock
you've settled down

into something steady
like acting.

Or to earn the money
to fight him with!

Oh, Vera, Vera,
you're so right!

$500 a week to start,
wouldn't you say?

It'll only be a bit at
the end of the last act.

Then there'll be a raise!
Oh, I accept!

Your heart
is from Tiffany's, too.

It'll be
like old times,

when we were trouping together
in Chu-Chin-Girl.

I can't wait
to hear that overture!

Mame, this is
a serious drama.

I was in the front row
of the chorus.

Vera was behind me.

Behind you? If
I'd been behind you,

I'd have
kicked you in--

Vera! I know exactly
what I did.

I used to go...

♪♪ I'm a Chu-Chu-girl
from Chu-Chin-Chow ♪♪

♪♪ And how, and how ♪♪

♪♪ I'd love to chin
and chew with you ♪♪

♪♪ And turn the skies
to blue with you ♪♪

♪♪ And turn the skies
to blue with you ♪♪

That's it!

♪♪ And 23 Skidoo
with you ♪♪

♪♪ Chi-chi, chu-chu,
chow-chow ♪♪

♪♪ And how, and how ♪♪

♪♪ And how! ♪♪♪♪

Aah!

An appalling situation.

Frightful, my dear.

Where's Miss Dennis?

It's nearly time
for her entrance.

Keep your shirt on.
She's still making up.

Lady Iris--a lousy,
2-line bit.

She's had 2 1/2 acts
to make up.

You get her
up here quick.

And make sure she
knows her entrance

is from
the other side.

In all fairness
to the boy,

I believe she's been
leading him on.

After all,
she is a Princess,

he, a commoner.

Oh, dear. Everybody
into the solarium.

I think I hear them
coming now.

But, Reginald,
to do such a thing,

to dash away
together like this

would be mad...

Quite
devastatingly mad.

Quite
devastatingly mad!

When?

Ah ha ha ha!

Lord Dudley, your flattery would
turn a young girl's head!

Come, now.
Hurry to the ball.

If we tarry,
we shall be late.

Ha ha ha!

No, Reginald.
It would be madness.

I belong to one world,
you to another.

It's better we part now,

now while we Cherish
this ecstasy we've known.

What the hell have you
got back there? Reindeer?

This is good-bye,
Reginald.

I hear
the others coming.

Ah ha ha ha!

Oh, lord Dudley,
oh, no more champagne

or I shall forget
myself altogether.

Ha ha ha!

I have--

you're
the funniest man--

I have something
to tell you!

I have been unexpectedly
called back home.

Prince Alex needs me,

and my place
is by his side.

It has all been

so lovely
this whole summer,

but after all,

it has only been
midsummer madness.

Lady Iris, would you
be good enough

to ring
for my wrap?

Certainly, Princess.

And get rid of
those damn cowbells!

May I help you,
Princess?

Thank you, lady...
Iris.

Good-bye,
good-bye.

I shall always feel

a strong attachment
to you all.

Let go!

I can't.
I'm stuck.

Let go!

Vera, I'm stuck!

It's my bracelet.
It's caught!

Bring down
the curtain!

Hold still a minute!
Vera!

Places!

I was trying to--

ruining my beautiful play
with your lousy bell-ringing!

These are the only
bracelets I have

in the world.

That's
all I've got--

Enough!
That's enough!

Psst! Psst!

Ooh!

Aah!

OK,
strike the set!

You did this
deliberately! Why?

I wanted to make
something

out of
lady Iris.

You scene-stealing
society biddy!

You've destroyed me!

There were critics
out there.

We're ruined!
We're all ruined!

Never let me
catch a sight

of your
evil face again,

you...you assassin!

But, Vera!
Vera--you see--you don't--

I felt if I should just
make something out--

well, there weren't
many lines,

and I felt that--

Miss Charles asked...

I thought you were
very good, Auntie Mame.

Ohh!

Everybody noticed you.

Oh, my little love.

How did you
get up to new haven?

Ito brought me up.

How could Ito
drive you up

when I've already
sold the car?

He didn't drive.
We hitchhiked.

Mr. Babcock thinks

you're in that
horrible school.

It's all right, Auntie Mame.
It's Thanksgiving vacation.

Is it?

Can I be your escort?

Can I take you back
to your hotel?

You can take me

all the way back
to New York.

Patrick...

Oh, Patrick...

Are you ashamed
of your Auntie Mame?

I'm proud of you!

Nobody liked
the stinky old play at all

until you came in.

Lady Iris.

Charmed...

Lord Dudley.

Widdicombe, Gutterman,
Applewhite, Bibberman and Black.

You want to talk
to Mr. Gutterman.

One moment, sir.
I'll connect you.

Widdicombe, Gutterman,
Applewhite, Bibberman and Black.

Oh, oh, ha.
Yes, Mr. Bibberman.

You'd like to talk
to Mr. Applewhite.

Yes, sir, he's in.
I'll connect you.

Oh, uh--uh--

Widdicombe, Gutterman,
Applewhite,

Bib-Bib-berman and Black.

Yes, long distance.
How are you?

Y-uh-hold--
uh, Mr. Widdicombe,

I have your San Francisco
call for you.

Yes, Mr. Bibberman?

Oh...did I connect you

with Mr. Gutterman
instead of Mr. Applewhite?

I'm sorry, Mr. Bibbicombe.
Uh--Bib-Bib-Bib-Bib...

Oh, Mr. Applewhite,
what are you doing in that hole

with Mr. Gutterman?

Yes, Mr. Widdicombe?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I'll try to reconnect you again

with San Francisco.

Let me see...
Mr. bib-bib-bib is in there...

Talking to Mr. Bubberwhite...
Where is Mr. Applewhite?

Oh, there you are,
Mr. Applewhite!

Mr. Widdicombe, there's no
such place as San Francisco.

Please, I--

Mr. bib-bib-bib...
Mr. Widdicombe...

♪♪ O come, all ye faithful ♪♪

♪♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪♪

♪♪ O come ye,
o come ye ♪♪

♪♪ To Bethlehem... ♪♪♪♪

Roller-skate lady!

Where is
the roller-skate lady?

That stupid sales clerk
sent me 2 left skates.

Does Macy think my son
has 2 left feet?

Is that what you think?

If you'll just be patient.
Roller-skate lady!

Where is the
roller-skate lady?

I don't know how
I got over in Tinkertoys.

All I want is a pair
of those skates.

One moment. Mr. Loomis,
will you help me

with my sales slip,
please?

Let me send
these things C.O.D.,

then you wouldn't
have to pay any money.

Well, I would,
eventually.

Of course, but why
worry about it now?

Apres moi,
le deluge, eh?

Here's your slip.
It's so simple.

No bulky bundles to carry

or lose en route,
as it were.

I just love C.O.D.!

Excuse me, ma'am.

Oh, ma'am?

Just one moment,
please. Yes.

Yes!

I wonder if
could you assist me

in ordering 24 pair

of those fine-looking
roller skates?

24 pair!

My, what a proud father
you must be!

Oh, no, I'm a single
gentleman, ma'am,

but there's
a lot of little tykes

at Oglethorpe Orphanage
just outside of Savannah

that'll be happy to see
that package arrive.

That is a nice
thing to do.

I must say,
it's the true Christmas--

how much does that
come to, little lady?

You want to pay?
Cash?

Oglethorpe orphanage,

RFD 2, Savannah,
Georgia.

Wouldn't you prefer if I sent
these skates C.O.D.?

Well, I don't believe
that the little nippers

would think much
of their Santy Claus

if he filled
their stocking

with bills for
collection on delivery.

You see, I haven't
worked here very long.

The only kind of sales slip
I know how to make out

is C.O.D.

I might be able to be
of some assistance.

I've got
more than a passing

familiarity here
with financial matters.

First thing,
you've got to get

all your duplicates and
triplicates straight,

elsewise Mr. Macy
wouldn't have any way

of knowing
what you sold.

Oh, that's why
they have

all that
tissue paper.

There we are.

There's a nice new
order blank, now.

First the name--

Beauregard Jackson
Pickett Burnside.

That's a lot.
You took up all that space!

They never make them
big enough!

Miss Dennis, may I enquire
exactly what is going on?

The nice gentleman was
helping me. I called you.

This young lady--

Miss Dennis,
is that your name--

she was having
trouble with

the sales slip

for 24 pairs
of roller skates.

Was there something unusual
about the order?

Yes. He wanted
to pay cash.

Am I to understand
that a Macy employee

doesn't know how to make
a cash sale?

I'm a whiz at C.O.D.s.
You can tell by the book.

Miss Dennis,
this sales book is a shambles!

Good-bye, everybody,
and merry Christmas.

You're...
you are...

Listen here,
that young lady

was doing the very best
she knew how.

I consider myself entirely
responsible for this!

The whole thing's
an unfortunate misunderstanding.

Don't forget the skates
for the little nippers.

Get 'em at Gimbels!

♪♪ It came upon
a midnight clear ♪♪

♪♪ That glorious song of old ♪♪

♪♪ From angels bending
near the earth ♪♪

♪♪ To touch
their harps of gold ♪♪

♪♪ "Peace on the earth,
good will to men" ♪♪

♪♪ "From heaven's
all gracious king" ♪♪

♪♪ The world in solemn
stillness lay ♪♪

♪♪ To hear the angels sing ♪♪♪♪

Gee, I'm not finished
decorating yet.

You're home early.

Well...they gave me
my Christmas vacation

a little bit early.

But I'm glad, really,

'cause now it fits
with your vacation.

We won't have to miss
even a day together.

Oh, Patrick.
That's beautiful.

A genuine Picasso,
hmm?

His black-and-blue
period.

It's almost a week
till Christmas...

But open it.

Oh, Patrick.

Where did you
get the money?

Mr. Leavitt
down at the pawnshop

gave me
a very good price

for my hockey stick
and microscope.

I was getting tired
of microbes.

Oh, my, my,
my, my, my!

They're not
quite diamonds.

Oh, darling!

That's the most
beautiful bracelet

I ever owned!

Oh!

Aw!

Wiggle it.

See! It doesn't
make any noise.

I told the man
you had to have a quiet one

for when you go
on the stage again.

When you wear it
with your mink coat,

you'll make a sensation
at Macy's.

Oh, I've already made
a sensation at Macy's.

And my mink coat is
at Mr. Leavitt's

with your microscope.

Well, if we're
having Christmas,

let's have it
all the way around!

Norah! Ito!
Come in, please!

Yes,
Missy Dennis?

Merry Christmas,
everyone!

It isn't until
Tuesday, mum!

Well, we need it now.
Let's go ahead and have it.

Norah, Ito, Patrick.

I did want to pay you
some of your back salary.

Not another word
about it.

We wouldn't think
of leaving you.

No place else
get job anyhow.

Ooh!

It isn't 17 jewels, Ito.

I'm not sure time is worth
decoration these days.

Thank you,
Missy!

French-smelling. I'll feel
as alluring as theda bara.

Golly!
Long pants at last!

Can I try them on
right now, Auntie Mame?

Right now!

Well, we've got

a present for you,
too, Ito and me.

I hope you won't
be angry

for what we've done.

Just what is it
you have done?

Well, Ito had a bit
of money put by, and so did I,

for a rainy day,
you might say.

We both figured
it couldn't get much wetter

than it is right now.

We pay grocery
and butcher bill.

Now Mr. Schultz

no give nasty look
with lamb chop.

You are both
so dear to me.

I'll pay you back
one day.

You know I will, if...

If ever I can.

You're a loving
woman, mum.

Oh, you're odd,
but you're loving.

All we wish is that
you could find a man,

as wonderful and
as fine a gentleman

as you are
a fine lady.

Oh, Norah.

Whatever happened to
Mr. Lindsay Woolsey?

He was a nice man.

Yes, he was a nice man.
I sent him away.

I said no so many times
when I had money,

I couldn't say yes
when I went broke.

Look!

Besides, I have
my own fine gentleman

who gives me diamonds,

or almost diamonds!

Well, what we need
is some music.

Christmas Carols!

♪♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of Holly... ♪♪

♪♪ Fa la la la la
la la la la ♪♪

♪♪ 'Tis the season
to be jolly ♪♪

♪♪ Tra la la la la
la la la la ♪♪

♪♪ Don we now
our gay apparel ♪♪

♪♪ Tra la la
la la la la la la ♪♪

♪♪ Troll the ancient
yuletide Carol ♪♪

♪♪ Don we now
our gay apparel ♪♪

♪♪ Tra la la la
la la ♪♪

I'm all
out of breath!

Ha ha ha ha!

I'm all
out of breath!

Hee hee hee.

Patrick,
go to her.

Don't cry,
Auntie Mame.

Please don't cry.

Oh, hell.

We don't even
have any Kleenex.

If that's Santa Claus,
tell him we've already had it.

Uh, howdy, howdy.

Excuse me,
but I wondered if--

I declare,
it's a miracle!

That's what it is!

It's a good old-fashioned
Christmas miracle!

Ma'am, you've got no idea
how I am happy to see you!

I don't know I'm quite
that happy to see you.

I've been looking
all over for you.

There are 97 Dennises

in the Manhattan
directory alone!

I was about to get out
my foreign visa

and set sail for Brooklyn.

Would you mind
telling me

why you came here
in the first place?

I went back to that counter.

I had to apologize to you,
but you was gone.

I told them right out,

them Macy folks,
that they was wrong.

A woman of your culture
and charm and refinement

should have
an executive position

with hired hands
to wrestle with

them pesky figuring
and writing details.

Would you excuse me
for a minute?

I want to pay off
that nice taxi man

so he can get home
to his family.

You left a taxi meter running
in the middle of the depression?

Well, ma'am,
I'm in oil.

It just
keeps on gushing.

There's not much
I can do about it.

I'm all alone here in this
fair Metropolis of yours.

If you wouldn't consider me
too presumptuous,

I'd be most honored if you
let me squire you to dinner.

No, thank you.

We're having
a Christmas celebration.

I can't leave
my little family.

I can understand
that.

I'm knee-deep
in family myself.

Got acres of them.

Come down Georgia way
and meet them all.

I think you'd
just love Peckerwood.

Peckerwood?
Who's Peckerwood?

Oh, no, ma'am.

That's the name of my
little ol' plantation.

Say...maybe just
for tonight,

I could be part of
your little ol' family,

and we could all have
dinner together.

No, really,
I'm not dressed.

You look fine.

Don't worry none
about that.

A little powder

on that nose,
and you look...

Just fine.

Look here, I'll tell
that nice taxi man to wait.

Yeah!

Marry him, mum,
the minute he asks you!

Norah!

What's his name?

You don't even
know his name.

Of course I do!

We are about to
break bread with

Beauregard Jackson...
Pickett Burnside!

Norah, get your coat.

Ito, change your jacket.

Darling, now hurry, hurry!

And you better bring
your scarf!

It's cold outside!

Norah, don't forget
to take your apron off.

Ito, hurry!

Oh, I was just going
to give you

this wee thing
at dinner.

Oh, Norah,
you're an angel.

Wait, there must be
one for you--ah!

Me never believe
in Santa Claus.

Me beginning
to change mind!

Well, I never did think
Santa Claus

would have
a Southern accent!

Merry Christmas
from Manny, Moe, and Jack,

your credit clothiers.

Well, merry Christmas
to you all,

Manny, Moe, and Jack,

and a happy little 'ol
new year!

Well, good morning,
ma'am.

Where's my snuffbox?

What son of a no-good hound dog
stole my snuffbox?

It's in your lap,
mother Burnside.

Beauregard, where is she?

I don't see
any New York filly here,

just the same old lovin'
family group standin' around

waiting to be mentioned
in my will.

Afternoon to y'all...
Vultures.

Afternoon...

Now, now,
Mrs. Burnside.

That doesn't
include me, does it?

No, Sally Cato.
You ain't no vulture.

You're just
a dead pigeon.

Ah--ah--

Ah--ah--

ah-choo!

I can't see how
you let my Beauregard

out of your nest.

You should have sat on him
till you hatched him.

- Son?
- Yes mother?

We got
sweet Georgia peaches here.

Don't know why you had to
go to the land of the enemy

and bring back
a northern lemon!

Let's keep our hominy grits
going in the right direction.

My Auntie Mame,
Miss Dennis, I mean,

says she'll be here
in just a moment.

Well, now, what a lovable,
genteel little gentleman!

Emory!

You and my little brother

gonna get along like a pair
of colts in a pasture.

Emory!

Your sister's
nice.

Nice?
You're plumb crazy!

She's the meanest
damn filly

in the entire south!

Mame, darling,
where are you?

We're all
waiting on ya.

Oh, I'm coming,
Beau, sugar.

I'm sorry
to keep you waiting.

I'm just busting to meet
your sweet little old mother.

Uh, mother, dear...

I'd like to present
Miss Mame Dennis.

Well, I must say,
Mrs. Burnside,

you're everything
I ever expected...

And quite a bit more.

And these here
are my--

- ah--ah--
- yes, wha--

ah-choo!

Bless you.

These are the rest
of my kinfolks--

the Jacksons, Picketts,
Burnsides,

and Miss Sally Cato
MacDougall.

You stay here
and have a nice chat.

I'll fix you
a special drink.

Then we're going to
run along down,

and I'll have you
meet my horses.

Well, I...

I can't tell you
how charming it is

to meet all of, uh...

You all.

Tell me,
Miss Dennis.

May I call you
Mame?

Oh, please do!

And you call me
Sally Cato, hear?

Thank you!

Tell me, was it horses
brought you

and Beauregard
together?

Horses?

Why, horses are
the most important thing

in Beau's life.

Oh, I just
love riding.

Up in New York,
hardly a day goes by,

I don't have the sadd--
boots on.

Up every morning
at the crack of dawn

for a brisk canter
through central park.

Now that settles it.

In your honor,
we've got to have a hunt.

A hunt?
Oh, a hunt.

A hunt?

Listen, everybody,

Beauregard's gone
and surprised us all.

Miss Dennis here is a prominent
northern horsewoman.

I'm not prominent.

Naturally,
we'll have a hunt.

Listen, dawn tomorrow,
and everybody's invited.

We might not feel
like riding so early.

Won't we have a lark,
all of us, sun up,

leaping over those
hedges and river gaps

and the hounds yapping
around those boulders?

I tell you, Mame,

every eye in this county
is gonna be on you.

If I'd only known.

I didn't bring down
any of my riding togs.

Don't you worry
about that, Mame.

I got dozens of things
you could wear.

What's your shoe size?

3b.

That's marvelous!
Same as I wear.

Oh, you do ride
astride, Mame, dear.

Oh, no, no. No.
Sidesaddle.

Daddy, the colonel,

insisted
that I learn it.

Said it was the only way
for a true lady to ride.

So...graceful.
silly of him, of course.

Nobody rides sidesaddle
these days,

but it's the only way
I know how.

Now, isn't that
just grand?

I just happen to have
a little ol' sidesaddle.

It'll do you fine.

Refreshments, ladies?

Oh, Beau, darling,
we're having a hunt,

and your sweet
little Yankee girl

is riding sidesaddle.

I won't permit it!
It's far too dangerous!

But, darling,
she's insisted.

Oh, well...

Anything Mame
says she can do, she can do.

I tell you,
she is an amazing woman.

Oh, Mame, sugar!

I'm just going to
hold my breath

until dawn tomorrow.

Do that, honey.

Patrick, stop looking
at the pictures.

Read it to me, dear.
I'm listening.

"How to ride a horse."

It says you should
always get on the horse

from the left side.

My left side
or the horse's left side?

It doesn't say.
Listen to this.

"Whenever a rider
approaches a strange mount,

"he should fix
the animal in the eye

with a masterful gaze."

A masterful gaze.

"Above all, remain calm,
for a horse

"has a highly developed
sense of smell

and reacts dangerously
when he smells fear."

I hope he likes
Chanel no. 5.

Hey, I didn't know
this.

"Horses aren't native
to America."

Darling, read me
something useful.

I'm about to go over the top
any minute--sidesaddle!

"Clearing fences."

Clearing fences.

It says you should
always lean.

"Jumping water hazards."

Jumping water hazards.

"Don't lean. Sit erect."

Don't lean.
Sit erect.

Oh, Patrick.
Say your prayers.

Brush your teeth.

Be good
to Norah and Ito

after I'm gone.

I think Sally Cato
left a foot in this one.

Let me help you.

No, darling.
It's no use.

Why are you going through
all this, Auntie Mame?

If I can only snag you
an uncle Beau,

all our problems
will be solved.

Besides,
there's another minor,

relatively unimportant
little old thing.

I happen to be
in love with him.

I like Beau.
I like him a lot.

Then it's all settled.

Not so fast.

He hasn't asked me
anything yet.

You dressed yet,
Mame, honey?

Come in,
Beau, darling.

Oh, my.

How handsome
you look!

Well, likewise,
Mame.

Aw...

Hold it steady there,
will you?

I want to get
a picture of this.

That's it.

Now give me a nice pose,
Mame, darling.

Oh...

A big smile.

That's a girl.

There we are.

You have now been
immortalized in celluloid.

Oh, Beau!

Patrick...

Oh, you must have
left it in my room.

I'll find it.

Huh!

Uh...

Uh, Mame...

Oh, oh.

Uh...

Well, thank you.

I got something
to say.

I'll have to
say it fast

because if I don't
say it fast,

I'm not gonna
say it at all.

Talk slow then,
Beau, darling.

I can listen fast.

Mame, you and I

don't exactly come
from the same world.

Yes, Beau.

Mame, not that
I think I'm worth--

well, there comes
a time in every life...

Oh, yes.
Yes, Beau.

I'm just going to
have to come right out

and say it.

Uh...

Oh...

I'm going to
ask you to...

Mame,
would you--

I mean,
could you--

ye--

Mame!

Mame, darling!

It's me, Sally Cato.

I just wanted to see
if there was anything--

oh, hello, Beau.
Was I interrupting?

There's the signal,
Mame, darling.

Come on,
let's hurry!

Well, shall we
to the hounds?

Yeah. I'd love to
meet your family.

Mame, sugar,

we almost thought
you wasn't coming.

Oh, morning,
everyone.

Lovely day
for a hunt.

Sugar, you look
absolutely dreamy.

Say, boys!

You can bring
Miss Dennis' horse round now.

Well,
what a break.

Glorious weather
for the hunt.

I thought perhaps
it might rain,

we'd call
the whole thing off.

Well, now.
Where are we riding to?

Outside of the hounds,
of course.

It's a good
10-mile course,

for those
as makes it.

Well, I can try.

This way,
Auntie Mame.

Morning,
Miss Dennis.

Morning, morning.

Well, has he?

Not yet,

so I die an old maid
sometime before lunch.

No, you won't.

You look convincing,
like a magazine cover.

Horror stories.

Oh!

What's in there?

That's the horse
I picked out for you.

What's his name?

Meditation.

I could trip you.
You'd only break a leg.

I can't disgrace Beau
in front of all his people.

Fix the animal in the eye
with a masterful gaze.

Fix a master in the eye
with an animal gaze

in the asterful eye!

Fix the aster in the maze
with an animal guy!

Whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, boy.

Whoa, whoa.

Hold it, hold it.

Oh!

Ah!

Ow! Ooch!

Well,
you look fit, Mame!

They're bringing the fox
up from the icehouse.

Come on, let's go,
everybody!

Whoa, boy.
Easy, now. Calm down.

Ha ha ha!

Good-bye, Yankee gal.

Whoa!

Where does she
think she's going?

Look at her go!

Auntie Mame!
Fall off!

Watch
that flood wall!

Auntie Mame,
fall off!

Fall off!

Look out!
Look out!

Aah!

Danged if she

didn't sail
clear over it!

No hands!

Whoop!

Aah!

Look at her ride!

She's
passing everybody!

She's passing
the master of the hounds!

Mighty bad form,
passing the master!

She's passing
the dogs!

Mother
of Jefferson Davis!

She's passing the fox!

Mrs. Burnside!
Mrs. Burnside!

I was driving by,
I thought I saw--

that couldn't be
meditation, could it?

Yeah. Fine bit
of horseflesh.

He's a killer!
I got to stop this!

They're all headed
back this way.

Hey, stay out of
them flower beds!

Get them crazy horses
out of my bougainvillea!

She's heading
for the icehouse!

Aah!

Hey!
That's my car!

That's
county property!

Aah!

Ha!

Mame!

Mame!

Mame, darling!
Where are you?

She come
this way.

There you are.

Mame, darling,
are you all right?

I caught
the brass ring.

If I hadn't
grabbed on to this,

I'd have been
in Nova Scotia.

What happened
to the fox?

Poor thing
is all tuckered out.

Auntie Mame!

Oh, my little love!

Don't you worry.
I'm all right.

As county veterinarian,
I commanded you 2 years ago

to have that horse
meditation destroyed.

Letting this little lady
ride this horse--

superb horsewoman
that she is!

That was pure
premeditated murder!

Let's have 3 cheers,
everybody,

for my little
Yankee Valkyrie.

What a seat
that woman has!

What
a magnificent seat!

Look here, everybody!

I want 3 cheers for...

For the future Mrs. Beauregard
Jackson Pickett Burnside!

Hip, hip...

- Hooray!
- Hooray!

Hip, hip...

- Hooray!
- Hooray!

Beau!

Emory, come on home!

Hot damn! My sister's
gonna bust a gut!

What are you all
standing around here for?

Come back to the house,

and we'll all have
a glass of whiskey.

Oh, Beau.

Come on, Mame, darling.

Here we are.

Say, Mame,
I'm sorry about...

Well, about making
my proposal so public,

but you know that I'm
gonna do everything I can

to make you happy.

'Course, you're gonna
have to educate me,

you know, make me
more Cosmopolitan.

For a honeymoon,

why don't we take
a trip around the world

for a couple of years,
just you and me?

Oh, Beau! That--

darling,
excuse me a minute.

Sure.

Oh, my little love!

Congratulations,
Auntie Mame.

Your Auntie Mame's in love
and very, very happy.

I won't see you
for a long time.

Patrick...

Oh, Patrick, nothing
can ever really separate us.

And you'll join us
on all your vacations.

The rest of the time,
you'll be busy at school.

Tch. Aw. I'll just have
2 men in my life

instead of one, hmm?

And I'll write to you
every day, darling.

I promise.
You don't think

I'd run off and abandon you
to the Babcocks, do you?

You're stuck with me

whether you like it or not,
darling, forever.

Now let me see you smile.
Where is it?

I want to see it.
Up, up, up, up, up!

Ah, that's my boy!
Ha ha ha!

Can I ask you
just one question?

How did you stay on
that horse?

It was just like new haven
with the bracelet.

I got stuck,
but at the other end.

Mame.

"Dear Auntie Mame,

"I plan to spend
this holiday

with Mr. Babcock
in Darien."

Hold it there,
Mame, darling.

Now, no higher,
Beau.

"Junior Babcock and I
have swell times there.

"I have met the kids

from practically all the best
families in Connecticut."

Tch. Oh, dear.

Beau, I have a feeling
we should be getting back.

I think
Patrick needs me.

That last one was
the best one yet.

Oh, good, darling.

Did you remember
to put film in the camera?

I sure did, hon--

oh, dang!

Oh, up, up,
rover!

Up, up! Oh...

Mrs. Burnside.

Oh, Mr. Babcock.

So good
to see you again.

Thank you.
Nice to see you.

Oh, darling!

Oh!

Congratulations.

Mame!

Up here, Mame, honey.

Give me
a nice smile now.

I got you!

Mame, honey...

Look up here.

Oh! Come, Patrick.

Do be careful, darling.

Now...

Give me
a nice smile.

Patrick, boy,
take off your hat.

Now give me
a nice smile.

That's it.

Ah!

I got it!

Ha ha ha ha!

♪♪ Oh, Rumson u ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, Rumson u ♪♪

♪♪ To you we'll e'er
be staunch and true ♪♪

♪♪ And though
our college days are few ♪♪

♪♪ We'll remember you,
Rumson u ♪♪♪♪

Dennis?

Hey, Dennis!

Sign here.

It's another one
for you!

Hey, Dennis!

Yeah!

Siam this time.

Thanks.

Siam. "Dear Patrick,

"here's a handy little woman
to have around the house.

Love, Auntie Mame."

What a doll!

Look at that thing!

Uh!

Here we are,
Mame, darling.

Oh!

You all right?

Next time, let's
take the elevator.

It's 10,000 feet up.

We only got
another mile to go.

Why don't you stay here
and rest a little while?

I'll go on up
a little higher.

I want to get
some film on you, huh?

I'll finish
Patrick's letter.

All right.

"Have to dash.
Dinner at uncle Dwight's.

"That's Babcock
the baboon-faced boy, to you.

"Actually,
old Babcock's rather sweet.

"He's been introducing me
to all the blonde heiresses

on the eastern seaboard."

Blonde heiresses?

Dwight?

Beau? Beau?

I knew that letter
was worrying you,

so I already made
reservations back.

Oh, good.

Well, then
let's get back down.

Wait a minute,
Mame.

I still got a little
bit more film left.

Mame,
would you mind

stepping back
just a bit?

I'd rather not.

Never mind. I'll
skittle up a mite.

Now, Beau. No higher.

Take this thing,
will you, honey?

It keeps on getting
in my way.

Take hold of the other end
for your balance.

Don't you worry
none, Mame.

Just be looking out
at the view.

Hold it now,
will you?

Hold on tight
while I refocus.

♪♪ Yodel-a-Dee-hoo! ♪♪

♪♪ Yodel-a-Dee-hoo! ♪♪

♪♪ Yodel-a-
deeeeeeeeeeee-- ♪♪♪♪

Beau?

Beau!

Good heavens!

This place looks
like the main chapel

of a funeral parlor.

Haven't Norah and Ito
been alerted?

They'll be here
tomorrow.

What's that thing
supposed to be?

It's a dictaphone.

She'll never use it.

Patrick's carried all this junk
up here for nothing.

Mame can't stay still

long enough
to write a post card,

let alone a book.

No, I think
the kid was right.

Mame can't go on
living in a vacuum.

She's always got to
have a project.

She's got a project.

Now she's
the tragic queen.

She's having such fun
being miserable.

All she's done
these last 10 months

is to wander
around Europe

revisiting places
she's been with Beau.

8 times she's climbed
that lousy Matterhorn

to throw Rose petals
down the glacier.

I should have gone to the boat
with Patrick to meet her.

I haven't seen her
since the funeral.

Wasn't it like Mame

to keep him
till I got there?

Listen, you cynic!
She was in love with him!

She's changed,
I tell you.

Uh-huh!

I'll get some champagne.

Oh, I'll answer it.

Mame!

Zooks, she can't
have changed that much!

I'm from speed-o.

You're what?

Patrick called

a secretarial
service.

Your name is,
uh...

Agnes Gooch.

Now, Miss Gooch,

you'll be
taking dictation

from
Mrs. Burnside.

She's a very
fast talker.

Speed-o
won't let anybody out

who can't do at least
180 words a minute.

I'm over 200.

Oh, you're not!

She may let loose
with a million words

and ideas.

I want you
to be right there

to soak them up
like a sponge.

Speed-o better have symbols
for 4-letter words.

Oh, Lindsay, Mame
will never write a book!

Patrick's
got someone to help.

Great Scott, I forgot.

He told the fellow
to be here at 3:00.

What fellow?

That's the signal.

What signal?

Patrick wants us
to surprise Mame.

Hide! In there.
Quick!

I--

you, too,
Miss Gooch.

Why are you ringing?
Don't you have a key?

Oh, of course!

What am I
thinking of?

Oh, Patrick!

Ah!

Welcome home,
Auntie Mame.

Oh, good old
Beekman Place.

Always so loyal.

No matter how far I go,
it waits for me to come back.

I do hope you
used it weekends.

Well, no, I didn't.
I usually go from school

out to Connecticut
to uncle Dwight's.

Oh.

I rather expected Vera
to be at the boat.

I wouldn't
let her come.

I wanted to be
all alone with you.

Oh, Patrick!

My little Patrick!

Oh, now, now, now.
Open your presents.

I just can't
get over it.

Every time I see you,

you're taller
and more grownup.

Golly! Short pants!
At last!

Can I try them on
right now?

Ha ha! Right now!

Surprise!
Welcome home, Mame!

Vera!

And dear, staunch,
stalwart Lindsay.

Oh, how good
of you both

to rally round
this bereft old woman.

Doesn't she
look great?

How can you tell?

Mame, couldn't you
have gone

to purple by now?

Come on, Auntie Mame.
Champagne!

And fishberry jam.

No, no, Patrick.

The bubbles no longer
tickle my nose.

I've given up alcohol,
along with everything else.

It's wonderful
of you all, very touching,

but...what's that?

That's your dictaphone
and your typewriter.

And what's that?

I'm your sponge!

Auntie Mame,
this is your secretary.

My secretary?

Yes. You're
going to write

your autobiography.

Me write a book?

No one's had a more
colorful life than you.

Think of all
the fascinating people

you've known--
Winston Churchill,

Mahatma Gandhi, me...

And I've saved
all your letters.

You'll be so busy
digging up the past,

you won't have time
to think about the present.

And I promise
to publish it.

I see...This is
some sort of conspiracy.

No, no.

Yes, yes, some trumped-up
occupational therapy,

like leathercraft
or basket-weaving.

I swear it'll be
a best seller.

A best seller?

And you'd be doing
me a favor.

My memoirs? My memoirs.

Patrick,
you forgot my drink.

Champagne?

Anything, darling.
Just make it double.

I see it
in 2 volumes,

boxed like Proust.

Well, uh...

Let me see...
Chapter one, page one.

She supposed to
start this minute?

Oh, this isn't
so difficult.

Patrick,
get me another drink.

Where was I?
Chapter one, page one.

What are you writing?

"Chapter one, page one.
This isn't so difficult.

"Patrick,
get me another drink.

Where was I?
What are you writing?"

She is fast.

Atta-girl, Auntie Mame.
You're off and running.

Patrick, do you think
I should do this?

It'll take up all my time,

and I came home
just to be with you.

You can't exactly
be with me.

No women in the dorm.

I keep forgetting, darling.
You're all grown up now.

You don't need me anymore.
Nobody needs me anymore.

It's one of the saddest
things that--

how do you turn her off?
Now where was I?

The most important thing
is a very good beginning.

Why don't you wait
for your collaborator?

Collaborator?

A friend arranged
for an editor

to work with you,

a fellow named O'Banion.

You don't trust me
to write my own life?

Good heavens,
who else could write it?

He wants to give me
a ghost!

Not a ghost, Mame!

I see the whole picture.
A ghostwriter!

If you think
I'll expose my life

in front of some burly,
beer-drinking Irishman,

who leads a low,
common life

in some
3rd Avenue bar,

you're very much mistaken.
A ghostwriter!

You don't trust me
to write my own life!

Auntie Mame--

whoever
this creature is--

a Mr. O'Banion
to see you.

I was asked to drop by to meet
the fabulous Mrs. Burnside.

Ahh...you are she,
of course.

I could sense the aura

of creative vitality
about you.

Won't you come in,
Mr. O'Banion?

I thought by way
of introduction, Mrs. Burnside,

I'd present you with this slim
volume of me poems,

The Parched Garden.

What a lovely title.
Thank you.

Do you mind
if I sit down?

That long ride up
in the elevator,

it's after
getting me dizzy.

I'll be after
getting you

a bit of water.

Oh, no, no.
Please don't bother.

Of course, a bit of champagne
if it's handy.

Patrick.

It seems to help.

Thank you.

Uh, oh...

It's the other one.

Tell me,
how did it happen?

Well, it was in 1922,
the great rebellion.

Even a lad of 15
can feel strongly

about his country's
independence.

Tch, tch, tch.

Ahem!

Oh.

How nice.

Tell me,
Mr. O'Banion,

do you think
you and I

can ever get
anyplace?

With the book,
I mean.

Well, we've both
known sorrow.

I feel that you and I

are going to
create something...

Something beautiful.

♪♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-lay ♪♪

♪♪ A-loo-ra-lay ♪♪

♪♪ A-too-ra-loo-ra-lay ♪♪♪♪

Actually, my childhood
was so sad.

Looking back,
mother died in childbirth.

That was a dreadful thing.

Father traveled
all the time.

What a difficult man
he was.

I must be fair to father.
I really must.

Remind me to do a whole
new chapter about him.

No, take that out.

I don't think I'll be
bothered with that.

I had to start working
when I was 8.

8 years of age!

I went over to
this woman next door

and said, "can I baby-sit?
Can I do something?"

I said to myself,
"I must have clothes,

I must have parties,
I must have pretties."

Please.

Please, Miss Gooch!

How can I court the muse

with all that
clackety-clack?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. O'Banion.

I'm only taking off what
Mrs. Burnside dictated.

Everything
Mrs. Burnside dictates

is so wonderful.

When I think of
the things she's done,

and think of the things
I haven't done,

I could just die.

It's so exciting
being in this house.

Just imagine,
a Japanese houseboy,

all those
artistic friends,

and you,
Mr. O'Banion.

Oh, I'll get it,
Brian.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Lindsay.

Oh, it's coming along.

Well, it's only been
3 months.

Brian is polishing
and perfecting it.

A party! Oh, I'd--

oh...no,
I'm afraid not.

Brian couldn't possibly--

what is it, my dear?

Lindsay feels
that Warner brothers

might pay a fortune
for our book

as a vehicle
for Bette Davis.

Jack Warner's coming
to his apartment tonight,

but I said you wouldn't--

Lindsay! Lindsay...

Mrs. Burnside
and I couldn't possibly

allow our work to be
defiled by a movie company,

but just as a courtesy,

we'll come and discuss it.

Uh, about 8:30.

Black tie?

All right, and thank you
very much.

Good-bye.

Brian, you accepted.

It might do you good

to get back in the world
for a change tonight.

Here's what you
dictated, Mrs. Burnside.

Oh, thank you.

Here's what
Mr. O'Banion edited.

Oh. Well, Mr. O'Banion
and I are going to work now.

Why don't you do...

Whatever it is
you do do to relax?

Thank you,
Mrs. Burnside.

I think I'll just
fix myself a Dr. pepper.

Brian, I'm really
worried.

We have so little
to show Mr. Warner.

We'll have to
tell him the story.

How long
will it take us

to finish this book?

Flaubert spent 13 years
on Madame Bovary.

Oh...
uh--w-where were we?

Give us our last
sentence again.

"My puberty in buffalo
was drab."

No, no, no.
It has no majesty.

Drab is such
a drab word.

How right you are.

It has
no afflatus!

What about bleak?

Bleak?

Bleak! "How bleak
was my puberty."

Bleak, buffalo.

Hear how the 2 words
cling to each other,

locked together
like a man and woman

in each other's
arms.

Listen to
the words sing!

"How bleak
was my puberty!"

I'm sorry.

Come, Mame, come.

Let us lie down here
in front of the fire

and stare at the flames.

It will help stir
the flames of our inspiration.

Uh, y-yes--yes...
Well, now, Brian.

Do you think
the general public

will understand
all this symbolism?

"Like an echo
from the caves

"of Glocca Morra,
I came forth,

whilst Deidre
wept cool tears."

Wouldn't it be
simpler to say,

"on the day
I was born,

it rained
in buffalo"?

But it's drab.

It's drab,
but it's clear!

Here is clarity, Mame.

I stayed awake to sift it
from obscurity.

"In the blank, gray, midnight
of me haunted garden,

"your soft form appeared,
raining kisses

on the parched earth
of me lips."

Brian, what's
come over you?

Now,
you mustn't!

It takes Agnes
no time at all

to knock off
a Dr. pepper.

- Brian, you mustn't!
- Mame.

Do not withdraw
this wondrous watering,

for without you--

I rinsed out
the glass.

Aren't you neat,
ag--

Mame, it came from
the very fiber of me being.

That's why
I was so tired today.

It took everything
out of me.

You could revitalize me
with a single motherly kiss.

Mmm!

Brian, what's
happened to you?

I'm revitalized!

Revitalized?
You're recharged!

Don't you dare
come near me! Stay there!

You're old enough
to be my mother!

I'm going to your room--
I mean my room! Norah, Ito!

Aaah! Your leg!
You'll kill yourself!

But what a way to die!
I'm mad for you!

For 2 months, you've poured
your strength into me.

Now I will pour it
right back!

Aah!

Brian! Brian,
this is ridiculous!

It's like
having a crush

on your
schoolteacher

or your analyst!

Oh, now, stop it!
Stop!

Hello, anybody!

Patrick!

Hello, Auntie Mame.

Hello, Dennis.

I'm so glad to see you,
darling.

Mrs. Burnside and I

were just working...
On the book.

I bet that's going to
be some book.

What are you doing
home from school?

I had to talk
to you about something.

You have things
to talk about.

I'll go up to
my room and change.

His room?
Is he living here?

Well, of course,
darling.

He was living in some
miserable cold-water flat,

and since we're working together
literally night and day...

Let me tell you something about
that spiritual Irish poet--

you don't have to
tell me a thing.

It looks very cozy.

For a minute there,
you sounded exactly like

somebody from
the Knickerbocker bank.

Please get O'Banion
out of here right away.

I beg your pardon.

I don't want him
in this house.

Aren't you taking rather
an imperious tone?

Mr. O'Banion
is my colleague.

Colleague, my foot!

Gloria would never
understand that you--

now, who is Gloria?

Auntie Mame,
listen to me.

I've met a girl.

I've been
going with her

for several months.

Oh.

She's a very
special girl and...

I guess
I should have

told you about her
before.

I would have,

but you were tied up
with the book and...

Everything.

Until now it wasn't
really definite.

What's definite now?

Gloria's the girl!
That's what's definite!

And you're going to
meet her...Tonight.

I hope you didn't leave her
sitting in the car!

No, I dropped her off
at her girlfriend's,

Bunny Bixler's
on park Avenue.

She wanted to spruce up
before she met you.

I'd better do some
sprucing up of my own.

I'll bring her back
in 10 or 15 minutes.

I'll have my face
all organized.

Mame, where are
me evening slippers?

Oh, it's all right.
I found them.

Wait a minute.

If he's still
in the house,

I'm not gonna bring
Gloria back here.

May I inquire why?

Gloria's a very sensitive
and well-brought-up girl.

I don't want you
flaunting

your new flames
and old peccadilloes

in front of her.

Then why bring her
here at all?

You want to know
the truth?

I've been trying to
avoid it.

She wanted to meet you.

I see.

So you just dropped by

to see that I was all...
Scrubbed up,

presentable
for inspection,

is that it?

Yes.

And to tell you
that while I've got

my girl here tonight,

for 5 minutes
try to act like

a normal human being.

Gloria's from a very
conservative family,

good stock, and...

She doesn't have to know
about a lot of things

that ordinary mortals simply
don't have to know about.

Should she know
that I think

you've turned into
one of the most

beastly, bourgeois,
babbitty little snobs

on the eastern
seaboard...

Or will you be able
to make that quite clear

without any help
from me?

Well, it's been
nice knowing you.

Patrick.

Auntie Mame.

Oh, darling,
oh, I love you so.

I'd do anything for you.

I'd join the D.A.R.,

I'd denounce
Calvin Coolidge

as a bolshevik!

Oh, Auntie Mame,

Gloria had better
like you,

or I'll belt her one
square in the chops.

I'll have him out
of here in no time,

have the whole place
fumigated.

I promise, darling.
I promise!

Thanks, Auntie Mame.

♪♪ The pale moon
was shining ♪♪

♪♪ Above the green
mountain ♪♪

♪♪ The sun was declining
beneath the sea... ♪♪

Brian!

Oh, Brian!

♪♪ Ti ti tum tum-- ♪♪

What's the matter?
Why aren't you dressed?

We can't keep
Lindsay waiting.

Brian, would you mind awfully
going to the party

without me tonight?

You want me to go alone?
I wouldn't think of it.

Something just came up--

hurry up
and get dressed.

I am not going
to that party alone.

If there's nothing more
you wanted, Mrs. Burnside,

I just thought
I'd go up to my room.

Agnes.

Agnes.

I wonder.

Is anything wrong,
Mrs. Burnside?

Agnes.

You're coming out.

Where?

You know, you have
very beautiful eyes.

Take these glasses off
and leave them off forever.

I can't see anything
out of my right eye.

Look out of your left one.
Now, now, now, now!

You do have a bust!

Where have you been
hiding that all these months?

Mrs. Burnside!

What do you call
those things?

Orthopedic Oxfords.

Kick them off.
Take off your clothes.

Norah, Ito.

There's a man
in the house.

Agnes, stop being a goof.
Get these clothes off quickly!

I'm in a hurry!

Norah! Ito!

Where are you
when I need you?

Mrs. Burnside, I don't
have a very clear picture

of what's going on.

Oh...

Now, Agnes, dear,

I am sending you
to that party tonight

with Mr. O'Banion.

Oh, I couldn't.

I'm too nervous.

Oh! This will
calm you down.

Oh, no! Spirits do

the most terrible
things to me.

I'm not the same girl.

What's wrong with that?

Will it mix
with Dr. pepper?

He'll love it.
Drink!

Oh, Norah, go upstairs
and get my black velvet.

Ito, lay out
all my cosmetics--

cold cream, eye shadow,
eyebrow pencils!

Everything!

You see, me be
Charlie of the Ritz.

Ha ha ha!

Come, child.

I think I know
what you want me to do.

I'm not a bit sure
I want to do it.

Agnes, where is
your spine?

Here you've been taking
my dictation for weeks,

and you don't get
the message of my book.

Live!
that's the message!

Live?

Yes!
Life is a banquet,

and most poor suckers
are starving to death!

Now, come on, Agnes,
live!

Live!

Come, child! Live!

- Live!
- Live!

Live!

Ha ha ha!

The whole place
has gone nuts.

She'll never make
a silk purse

out of that sow's ear.

Oh, Mrs. Burnside,
I can't breathe!

Oh, good, good.

If you can breathe,
it isn't tight enough.

And why aren't
you dressed?

Brian, you just have to
understand--

I'm not going
to that party tonight.

Then I'm not going either.

I'm not! I'm not!
I'm not!

Well, you can use
the Duesenberg.

And I have a date
for you.

Oh, Agnes!

Agnes!

You can't expect--

would you ask Toscanini
to lead a harmonica band?

Now, Brian.

I won't take Gooch.

She's an offense
to the human eyesight.

It's a good thing
her mother,

the Countess de Gooch,
can't hear that.

She'd...eh...
pull your beard.

Countess?
you're joking.

Surely you've heard
of the de Gooches?

Second wealthiest
banking family

in the country.

Fabulous estate
at Newport.

This child
is just doing this

for a little
literary experience.

Ah, Agnes.

No, no, no.

Head up, dear.

Shoulders back,
tummy in.

Oh, Agnes, tonight
you are queen of Romania.

Oh, Agnes, dear,
on your feet.

Oh, darling,
you look divine.

Do I really?

Yes, now come on.

Enchanting.

Golly!

Brian, hang those
furs on the Gooch.

Auntie Mame,
this is Gloria Upson.

This is my Auntie Mame,
Mrs. Burnside.

I can't tell you
how pleased I am

to make your acquaintance.

Yes...come in,
children. Do, please.

There are some
friends of mine

I'd like you to meet.

This is my secretary,
Miss Gooch,

my good right hand,
my Boswell, as it were.

This is Miss Upson
and my nephew Patrick.

This is--what is your
boyfriend's name again?

Oh, Mr. O'Banion.

You two, run along.
Have a good time.

Well, good night!

I can't tell you
how pleased I am

to have made your acquaintance,
Mr. O'Banion

and Miss Boswell.

Well, now, Patrick
tells me how special

you are to him.

That means you're
very special to me, too.

Mmm, my! What
a stunning apartment.

Thank you.

Books are awfully decorative,
don't you think?

Won't you sit down?

Can I get you
something?

A Cognac?
A Drambuie?

Would you like
another hot chocolate?

Oh, not a thing.

On our way to
Bunny Bixler's,

my friend on park Avenue
and 71st street,

Patrick and I stuffed ourselves
at Schrafft's.

Do you know what
your silly nephew did?

He spoke French
to the counterman.

Imagine anybody
speaking French

to a counterman
at Schrafft's.

Show-off.

Well,
if nobody minds,

I think
I'll have something.

You're...

You're at school,
dear?

I'm an upper Richmond
girls school girl.

How did you get
that lovely tan

so early
in the spring?

Oh, I played hooky
for a couple of weeks.

Mums and Daddums and I
went down

to our place
in Fort Lauderdale.

We have a place
in Fort Lauderdale.

I was out of my mind
until she got back.

I'm insanely jealous
of this kid.

Sheer torture
and I love it.

Silly.

Tell me, dear,
have you...

Have you chosen
your major yet?

Chosen my major?

What courses are you
taking at college?

Oh! Just a general
sort of liberal arts thing.

You know, English lit
and like that.

Upper Richmond's
top-drawer.

Really top-drawer.

How did you two
ever get acquainted?

Oh, uncle Dwight
introduced us.

Uncle Dwight?
Oh, oh, yes.

Well, he's not
really my uncle,

but he's been a real
close friend of the family

ever since
I was a little girl

with braces
on my teeth.

One day I must meet
mums and Daddums.

We don't want to
bother you

with a lot
of family stuff.

Naturally, we'll expect you
at the wedding.

Wedding?

Is there a wedding?

I told you it was
definite, Auntie Mame.

It's awfully good
of you to let me know.

We've decided on
a September wedding

at our place
in Montebank.

September?

Tell me, just where
is Montebank?

Oh, it's right
above Darien.

Oh, you'll love it.

It's awfully pretty,

and it's terribly
handy to the city.

Of course, it's
completely restricted.

I'll get
a blood test.

We'd better hurry.
We want to catch

an Italian picture
at the Plaza.

Oh, those awful
foreign movies.

What I go through
for your nephew,

but he is cute,
isn't he?

Yes, isn't he?

I can't tell you
how pleased I am

to have made
your acquaintance.

Yes, thank you, dear.
Thank you.

Well?
Isn't she terrific?

Oh, yes, dear.
Yes, she is.

So are you,
Auntie Mame.

You're really
top-drawer, I mean--

well, you know
what I mean.

Now, why did I ever
buy him those long pants?

Better hang on
to the red dye.

I may want to go
back to it

after visiting
the Upsons.

It's just what you wanted,
Mrs. Burnside--respectable.

If a bit drab.

Oh, Ito, did you
bring the car around?

Missy, I go to garage.
No Duesenberg.

Mr. O'Banion
no bring back.

I hope nothing
has happened--

to Agnes, I mean.

I'll call Mr. Lindsay,
borrow one of his.

Don't forget the maps
and the Martinis.

What happen,
Missy Gooch?

I lived!

What kind party
was that?

I don't remember.

All that champagne--
I don't remember a thing.

I think we went
to a movie.

Yeah. There was
a wedding in it,

and Gary Cooper
was the groom.

I don't remember
who the girl was,

but it made me cry.
Where's Mrs. Burnside?

She get ready
to go to Connecticut.

Where Duesenberg?

I don't know.
Mr. O'Banion said

he just had to meet
my mother.

Then we got on
the Staten Island ferry,

and he disappeared.

I've got to see
Mrs. Burnside

before she goes.

Is anything wrong,
Missy Gooch?

I did just what
she told me--

I lived!

I've gotta find out
what to do now.

I think
it's a good match

for our
little Gloria.

I can't understand
why Dwight didn't want us

to meet the aunt.

We never would have
if she hadn't phoned.

I'm glad she did.

I've been dying
to get a look at her.

Where is she now?

Freshening up
in the guest room.

That's an expensive
outfit she's wearing.

I looked at the label
in her coat.

Pss!

I'll bet she's
a lot better fixed

than Dwight figured.

I hope it's all right
to have a cocktail hour

here in the patio.

I wouldn't want her
to think we live like gypsies.

You show me a gypsy
that lives like we do!

Shh! Claude,
you be genteel

in front of
Mrs. Burnside.

Yoo-hoo!

That must be she.

We're out here on the patio,
Mrs. Burnside.

Oh, what a delightful spot
you have here.

We adore
Montebank.

Of course,

we always spend
the summers

at our camp
in the Adirondacks.

We call it
Upson pines.

We leave
next week.

There's one thing we ought
to get straight right off.

You do take a little nip
now and then?

On festive
occasions.

Good!

I'll have an Upson daiquiri
ready for you in a minute.

I cannot get over

all the thought
you've given

every detail of your
house, Mrs. Upson.

We've done
everything we could

to make it seem like
authentic colonial America.

Oh, and how well
you've succeeded.

All those
enchanting miniatures

in the powder room

of John Quincy Adams.

I'll bet
you didn't see

our driveway
signpost.

I did, I did.
What a divine name

you've given
this place--

Upson downs.

I'll bet you
thought of that,

Mrs. Upson.

No. That was Claude.

I'm just
a homebody.

Claude's
the clever one.

- Aw...
- aw...

Now, Mrs. Upson,
I was thinking--

Doris, dear.

Doris.

Well, you
must call me Mame.

Mamie.

Uh, Mame.

Well, Mamie old girl,
here's your poison.

I make my daiquiris
with a secret ingredient

I learned from this native
down in Havana, Cuba.

You'll never guess what
that secret ingredient is.

I'll say this much--

there's no sugar
in the Claude Upson daiquiri.

And yet it's so sweet.

Whatever do you use?

Chocolate ice cream?

Choc--

oh ho ho ho ho!
Ha ha ha!

Oh, say, that's rich.

You hear that, Doris?

Chocolate
ice cream.

Ah ha ha ha ha!

I'll tell you.

Since you're practically
one of the family,

I'll let you in
on my little secret.

Honey.

I beg pardon?

Strained honey,
that's the secret ingredient.

Oh, I see.

Of course, I use
quite a little rum, too.

Now, now, now.

Yes. Oh, yes, I--

ha ha ha ha!
Ya ha ha!

Now, Mamie,

I've made these
especially for you.

Oh, my, my, my,
my, my.

Don't they
look delicious!

Well, well, well,
well, well, well...

What are they?

Well, I take 2 cans
of tuna fish,

put them through
the meat grinder,

then add clam juice
and peanut butter.

It's a recipe from the
Ladies' Home Journal.

These others are just plain
Jack cheese and chutney.

Sit you down, Mamie.

I've something
special to show you.

Oh, baby pictures
of Gloria.

The whole family,
more or less.

Ah, on a bear rug.
Isn't that precious?

Better not let Patrick
see that one.

Ah ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!
Ha ha!

Oh, my, my.

Oh, that's Miss Tuthill,

little glory's
first schoolteacher.

I think the light
was hurting her eyes.

Yep, yep, yep.

Enough of this
girlie-girlie talk.

As long as we
have Mamie here,

we oughta let her know

what the plans are
for Patrick's career.

Dwight Babcock and I
have that coordinated.

When the kiddies

return from
their honeymoon,

I want Patrick
to take his choice.

With my connections,
I can slip him

into a berth
on Madison Avenue

or a seat on
the stock exchange.

A seat and a berth--

my Patrick--
oh, pardon me.

I'm so sorry.

Say, you're a pretty
fast drinker.

I'm way ahead
of you.

You don't happen to like
gin, do you, Mamie?

I adore it.

Good. After dinner,

we'll get out the cards
and play.

Now the problem
of what to give

the kiddies for
a wedding present,

and I've got that
all settled, too.

Here's my idea,
Mamie.

Why don't we
get together,

you and I,

and buy the
newlyweds that?

What?

That lot
right next door.

Wouldn't that
make

a wedding
present, though?

We could take
out this wall,

and their patio

would come smack
up against ours.

You couldn't tell
where one left off

and the other one
began.

You wouldn't
be losing a daughter.

You'd be gaining a patio.

Yeah. We got to
work fast, though.

There are
some people

bidding
on that property...

- Wrong kind.
- Oh?

Yeah, a fella
named Epstein.

Abraham Epstein.

The cellist?
How lucky you are.

All that glorious music
right next door.

She's a darling, one of
the nicest women I've met.

You don't understand
quite how it is up here,

but this section
is restricted

only up to
our property line.

We feel we have
an obligation to make sure

that...well...
you know.

Tell you what.
I'll buy it.

We'll divvy it up
50-50.

You won't have to
worry about a thing.

My, my, my, my, my.

You've thought
of everything, haven't you?

Laid out Patrick's career,

planned the wedding...

Even chosen my gift.

Well, I guess there's
only one thing left

for me to do.

What's that?

The day you get back
from prickly pines,

I'll give an intimate
family dinner.

Well,
how about that?

Mamie,
that's lovely!

You're a good scout,
Mamie!

By golly,
you're top-drawer!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

That's a very
interesting design,

Mr. Christianson,

but are you sure
you planned it

with that end up?

Well...

That is the beauty
of it, madam.

It can be used
upside-down.

Hello.

Just leave it
outside, please.

I'm so sorry.
You must be Patrick Dennis.

Guilty. Are you guilty
of all of this?

No. I'm not the decorator.

I'm your aunt's
private secretary, Pegeen Ryan.

How do you do?

Hello.

I'm sorry.
I didn't know.

I've been away
all summer.

Been a lot of changes
around here.

Leave it to
my Auntie Mame.

Where did she
dig up this stuff?

This is the only set
of its kind

in the universe.
It's made by

the famous Danish
designer, Yul Uhlu.

Who?

Yul Uhlu.

Say that
to the right fella,

and you'll get kissed.

Oh, incidentally,
congratulations.

I hear you're getting
married next week.

Week from next Tuesday.
The old ball and chain.

Oh, gee,
I wish I'd said that.

How about,

"the first 100 years
are the hardest"?

That's a good one.

How about, "marriage is
a great institution...

Yeah, but who wants to be
in an institution?"

Well, that's
enough of that.

Patrick!

Patrick,
my little love!

Ohh! I'm so glad
to see you, darling.

Did you have a good time
at Upsy Pinesy?

I had a wonderful time!
I'll tell you about it.

Now, what is the idea--

I have to go to Montebank.
Doris insisted.

They adored you,
but why did you change--

I'm so relieved.

I want everything to be
extra-special tonight.

And to give the Upsons

as cozy a time
as they gave me.

Now, Pegeen, dear--

ooh, I forgot
the horror.

Would somebody give me
a hand with the ladder?

Patrick, the ladder.
Pegeen.

Now, the fish food.
Where's the fish food?

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Agnes, mustn't nibble
on the hors d'oeuvres.

You'll get fat.

I'm sorry,
Mrs. Burnside.

Gee...I try to do
exactly as you say.

Come and get it.
Come and get it.

- Come along.
- Come along.

You're so wonderful!

Nobody else would
have taken me in,

an outcast of society.

Twaddle!
I'm the grateful one.

You've given me
someone to look after,

now that
I'm losing Patrick.

I wish I had someone
to look after.

Oh, you will,
you will, dear.

Where do you
want this set up?

Right there
will be fine.

Ah!

What's that
supposed to be?

You don't
like it?

It might be a little
avant-garde for the Upsons.

Oh, dear. Pegeen,
take it right down.

I want everything
to be perfect tonight.

I think
it's very unusual.

Agnes!
What's she doing here?

Where else
would she be

in her friendless
condition?

This is one thing

the Upsons simply
won't understand!

We don't need
to talk about it.

Perhaps
they won't notice.

They're here!
They're here!

Will somebody
help me get this down?

Help her, darling.

Leave it up.

Get the ladder
out of here.

Norah, Ito, somebody
answer the door.

I'll get it.

Oh, no, you don't!

Agnes, go to your
room and stay there.

But what'll I do,
Mrs. Burnside?

Sleep, Agnes, knit,
start making up names--

Rudolph, Abigail,
Beulah, Clara, anything.

Welcome to
the Burnside fireside.

Mamie!

How I have
looked forward

to this evening.

Come in.
And Claude.

Well, good
to see you, Mamie!

Ah, ah, ah!
And little glory.

I can't tell you

how pleased I am
to see you again.

Yes, dear.

My!

Say!

My, my, my, my, my!

Hi, everybody.

Well, hello, son.

Patrick!

Gloria.

Say, I made up
the best joke

on the way up
in the elevator.

Listen to this.

Why is an elevator
man's job

like my place
in Connecticut?

Give up?

Almost.

Well,
I'll tell you.

Because it has
its ups and downs!

You get it?
Upson downs!

Clever.
Clever.

Well, you just think
of those things...

Do sit down.

Oh, thank you.

Aah!

Doris! Oh, you're not
comfortable there, dear.

The marvelous thing is that
these are all adjustable.

This is the master control.

Each chair
has its own cord.

Let me see, Doris.
You are number 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.
Now, here we go.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, Claude!

So sorry, Claude.
You are number 4.

Doris, you must be
number 5.

Auntie Mame!

Patrick, really,
you're confusing me!

Now, Doris...
Here you are. 5.

Going up!
Oh!

There you go. Ah...

Ah! Oh!

Isn't it wonderful, Doris?
So easy to sweep under.

Now, Claude, here we go.
Hang on to your seatbelt.

Down you go! Oh, my,
what supple legs you have.

You must have been
studying yogi.

Here are the drinks.

Mamie!

Oh, so sorry,
Doris, dear!

Ah...there we are,
going down to the main floor.

Cigars, cigarettes,
lingerie, hardware.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, dear!

Well, now, Patrick...

And little glory.

Oh, and here's
uncle Dwight.

Claude?

Dwight!

Well, how are you?

Mr. Babcock.

Mrs. Burnside. We must have
that game of golf soon.

Oh!

Oh, my, my,
my, my, my.

I'm afraid
we'll have to

take that up a bit.

Pegeen, better bring
the ladder again.

Won't you sit down,
Mr. Babcock?

Thank you.

Well, now,
they're almost ready,

the Specialite
de la maison.

I would
like you to meet

Miss Pegeen Ryan.

Take it up a bit,
dear.

It's getting
in people's...Hair.

Claude.

Thank you.

And Doris.

Claude, I am not
going to tell you

one thing that's
in these drinks

because all
the ingredients

are secret.

Oh?

Now, now, now,
just hang on.

Oh! Well.

What do you know?

The trick is
to drink them up fast

before all the alcohol
burns away.

Don't you worry
about a thing, now, Claude.

I'm fully covered
by fire insurance.

Oh!

There, now, Patrick.

There.

And little glory.

A friend of mine,
who may drop in later,

calls this
the flaming Mame.

Who? Who?
Who's going to drop in?

Just family, darling.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Don't be
a scaredy cat, darling.

There's nothing to be
frightened of whatsoever.

There, now.

Are we all lit?

Wouldn't you
be happier

if I fixed you
a daiquiri?

No, no, no.
Not for a minute.

Your aunt Mamie
made this for me.

I'm going to drink it.
It looks just fine.

Mmm! This is spicy!

Try one of
the striped ones, mums.

These a re tasty.

What are they?

Oh, just plain old
pickled rattlesnake.

They're pure protein,

and they always
marinate them

after they
remove the fangs.

Why, Mr. Babcock,

you've gone out.

Don't bother,
Mrs. Burnside.

Agnes!

Agnes, I told you
to stay in your room.

But Mrs. Burnside,
it's a quarter past 8:00,

and you told me--

I told you
to take your pills

at a quarter
past 8:00.

But my calcium pills
are in the kitchen.

Auntie Mame!

Is that a member
of the family?

Darned if I know.

It's a member
of somebody's family.

Oh, Doris,

I would like you
to meet my former secretary.

She's a little bit...

She's not quite herself
at the moment.

We know all about
these women's things,

don't we?

What's your name, dear?

Gooch.

You sit right over here
beside me, Mrs. Gooch.

And what does
Mr. Gooch do?

Oh, my father
passed on.

Oh, no.

I mean your husband.

Now, now, Agnes.

Upsy daisy.
Calcium time.

Pegeen, dear.

One thing about Auntie Mame,
she's big-hearted.

When there's ever anybody
in trouble, she's always...

I can see that.

Well, Vera
and Lindsay.

Mame, darling.

Like an opening night
without critics.

Mr. and Mrs. Upson,

Miss Upson,
Mr. Babcock,

I would
like you to meet

my dearest friend,
Vera Charles,

and the publisher,
Mr. Lindsay Woolsey.

I'm charmed to meet you,
all of you.

Miss Charles, I've
just got to tell you

how I adored you in
Mary of Scotland.

Did you, dear?
That was Helen Hayes.

Spirits!

Vera, darling,

can I persuade you
to have a drink?

Yes, dear,
anything but rum.

I've just been
to the most awful party,

where they served
nothing but daiquiris

made with honey.

Mame!

Acacius, darling!
Gnothi Seauton.

Gnothi Seauton.

Oh, lord!

Mr. and Mrs. Upson,
Mr. Babcock,

I would like you to meet
Mr. Acacius Page,

Patrick's first schoolteacher
in New York

and a man who had
a great deal to do

with molding
his character.

Haven't we met before?

I don't
recognize the face.

Acacius, darling,
your lotus juice.

Auntie Mame,

I thought this was going
to be a family night.

Darling, this is
our family.

Pegeen, are you
having trouble?

Give her
a helping hand.

Thank you.

Thanks,
Lochinvar.

Courtesy of the house.

Look,
I'm all right.

You've got problems
enough of your own.

Don't I, though?

That's a pretty picture,
I must say.

Yes, isn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen,
I want to propose a toast.

To this lovely
young couple

as they start up

the ladder of life
together.

Oh, no, no,
Auntie Vera.

This isn't Gloria.
That's Gloria.

Pity.

Mame, I brought
you something.

What is it,
Lindsay?

Be careful.
The ink's wet.

My book!

Look, everybody, I'm in print,
just like Edna Ferber.

Auntie Mame,
you did it!

I never knew
you went on with it.

Patrick,
you had vision.

The way he managed
it, Mame,

he's just like you.

My little lifesaver, Patrick!
And Lindsay!

Patrick, you ol' meanie,
why didn't you tell me

your aunt
was literate?

Mame, am I mentioned
in your book?

Mentioned?
You're exposed.

Let's drink a toast to
Live, Live, Live,

by Mame Dennis Burnside.

Step right up
now, folks,

and get your
red-hot chapters.

I've been to so many
wonderful parties here.

Now I'll find out
how they all ended.

I forgot
about that time

we almost got caught
in the speakeasy.

I was about 10 then.

Here's all about
the roller skates

and uncle Beau

and that Christmas
we were so broke.

Patrick.

My little Patrick.

You could write
a whole book

about what
happened to me.

I beg your pardon,
Gloria?

You could write
a whole book

about what
happened to me.

Oh? Oh, thank you.

Yes. Bunny Bixler and I
were in the semifinals--

the very semifinals,
mind you--

of the ping-pong
tournament at the club,

and this
ghastly thing happened.

We were both playing
way over our heads,

and the score was 29-28,

and we had this
really terrific volley,

and I stepped back to get
this really terrific shot...

And I stepped
on the ping-pong ball.

Well, I just
squashed it to bits.

Then Bunny and I ran

to the closet
of the game room

to get another
ping-pong ball,

and the closet was locked.

Imagine!

We had to call
the whole thing off.

Well, it was ghastly!

Well, it was
just ghastly!

But it was amusing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's hilarious!

What is?

Your story.

I'm so proud!

The whole last chapter's
all about me.

"Fighting the...

"Stigma of...

The unwed mother."

Mr. Upson,
you lucky devil,

your future
son-in-law's featured

in one of the raciest
books of the year.

Patrick, I had no idea
how many times

you unzipped me
and put me to bed.

Now just a minute!

There are
young people here!

Mr. Upson,
I only did it

when Miss Charles
had passed out.

Well!

Thank you, Ito.

Don't tell me
she can't come!

Who? Who?
Who can't come?

That divine woman with
the snakes we met in Paris.

She promised to
entertain after dinner.

Vera, loan me
your glasses.

"Read of forthcoming
publication of our book.

"Hereby serve notice
that am entitled

"to 1/2 of royalties

for invaluable services
as editor and coauthor."

Brian!

Brian!

"Will return
in a few days

to claim fruits
of collaboration."

"My claim
will be substantiated

by my wife,
Agnes Gooch O'Banion."

- Wife?
- Wife?

Agnes.
Think, Agnes, think!

Think?

Try!

Maybe that wasn't
a movie we went to.

Maybe that wasn't
Gary Cooper.

It was Brian,

and the girl was...

- Me!
- Agnes!

I'm a bride!

Oh, darling,
congratulations!

Oh, isn't it wonderful,
Patrick?

Oh, darling,
I'm so happy for you!

Honey, isn't this
terrific?

This is revolting.

How can you associate
with people who--

who aren't
absolutely top-drawer?

Come on, these are
my oldest friends,

people who
brought me up.

A bunch of riffraff.

I hope when we marry
you won't invite

people like this
to our house.

Who will be
coming to our house?

Bunny Bixler
and Muriel Puce?

What's wrong
with Muriel puce?

Nothing, except she has
the I.Q. Of a dead battery.

As for your other
addlepated girlfriends,

they're a lot of vain,
selfish, empty bigots!

Well!

Mame, it's marvelous!

You'll make a fortune
out of this book.

She certainly will,
but not for herself.

Mame's assigned
all her royalties

to the Epstein home
in Montebank.

Epstein the cellist?

What about
Montebank?

Can't the Epsteins
afford their own home?

Vera, they're not
going to live there.

They're building
a home there

for refugee
Jewish children.

What's that?

Oh, no!

- Oh!
- No!

Jackpot!

Pegeen, call Denmark quick
and get ahold of Yul uhlu.

You maniac!

Are you all right,
Doris?

You ready?

I've been ready
for quite some time.

Come, glory.

You...

You!

Claude. Claude!

Don't be hasty!
Claude! Claude!

Claude!

Oh!

For 9 years,
Mame Dennis Burnside,

I have done everything
in my power

to protect this boy

from your idiotic,
cockeyed nincompoopery!

And now you've
ruined everything.

All my plans for Patrick
have just gone down--

Your plans?

You have the bill of fare,
haven't you?

You're shouting orders
for everyone.

Did it occur to you
this boy might be hungry

for something you've
never even heard of?

When Patrick first
walked into my life,

a frightened little boy,

hanging on to Norah's hand,

it was love
at first sight.

For 9 years,

I've tried to open
some windows in his life.

You want to shut him up
in some safe-deposit box!

I won't let you do that
to my little one.

Oh, no.

He's not little anymore.

And he's not mine,

but he's not yours,
Mr. Babcock.

Patrick won't allow you
to settle him down

in some dry-veined
restricted community,

make him an Aryan
from Darien,

and marry him to a girl
with braces on her brains.

Hee hee hee hee!

Mame, did you
deliberately

plan all this?

Don't be ridiculous,
Vera.

You know Patrick always
makes all his own decisions.

Rattlesnake, anyone?

Thank you...

Lady Iris.

Charmed...

Lord Dudley.

Punjab, India.
June 28, 1946.

Mr. and Mrs. Patrick Dennis,

224 east 50th street,
New York.

Dear Patrick and Pegeen,

arriving from India
June 31st.

Please meet me
Beekman Place apartment.

Must return India
in 2 weeks

when uncle Lindsay will have
finished his course

in yoga.

Auntie Mame?

Auntie Mame!

What were you
doing in there?

Oh, just giving Michael
his presents, darling.

Look, dad.

Which is the front,
Auntie Mame?

Oh, my little love,
let me help you.

There, now.
Salaam for your mother

like Auntie Mame
just taught you.

Ah, very good,
sahib.

That's not
a real sword, is it?

It's a scimitar.

Oh, dear.

That's what
I always say.

In Hindustani,
that means,

"the water oxen are
waiting at the gate."

My water oxen's
waiting at Idlewild,

pan American flight 100
for Karachi.

Oh, Michael,

if I could only
show you India--

the color,
the splendor, the mystery,

the elephants
in the streets.

Now, Auntie Mame.

I know. I know.

I shouldn't even
bring up the possibility

of Michael's going
to India with me.

But Auntie Mame said
she'd love to have me.

She said so
right in there.

It's ridiculous, darling.
I won't hear of it.

Dad?

Look, it's out
of the question.

You heard
your mother.

You know what
your trouble is?

You don't
live, live, live!

Life is a banquet,

and most poor suckers
are starving to death.

Oh, there's one thing
you've got to remember.

School begins the day
after labor day.

He must be back
by then.

Naturally.

Of course.

Labor day.

That's sometime in
November, isn't it?

It's the first week in
September, Auntie Mame.

Labor. The problem of labor
in India is gargantuan.

What's gargantuan,
Auntie Mame?

Oh, Michael,
on the plane

I'll give you
a pad and pencil,

and you can write down

all the words
you don't understand.

Well, now, I've been out
shopping all morning

for your traveling gear,

so let's go upstairs
and try things on.

Oh, Michael, I'm going
to open doors for you,

doors you never
even dreamed existed.

I give up.
She's the pied Piper.

Oh, what times
we're going to have.

What vistas we're going
to explore together.

We'll spend a day
at an ancient Hindu temple.

The head monk is a friend
of Auntie Mame's.

Perhaps he'll let you
ring the temple bells

that bring
the monks to prayer.

There, on the highest tower
on a clear day,

you can see the Taj Mahal.

Beyond that
is a beautiful...

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