All language subtitles for Still Up s01e03 The Date.eng

Interesting.

I'd have to say the chin.

You could live without a chin?

Easily.

But what would stop your teeth
from falling out the bottom of your face?

Trust me. I'd cope.

Anyway, it'd be a much better life
than you with your "no knees."

Just two stiff legs. Ridiculous.

For instance,
how would you drive a forklift?

That wouldn't concern me.

Break-dance. You couldn't break-dance.

Again... that is just not
something that would affect my life.

I could easily live without knees.
Especially my knees. I hate 'em.

There's nothing wrong with your knees.

What do you mea...? They're massive.

When I wear leggings,

it looks like I'm smuggling
a couple of cauliflowers.

Interesting.
See, I'd lean more towards satsumas.

Aw. Thanks.

Veggie.

Do I want anything from the airport?

- A giant Toblerone. Obviously.
- Obviously.

Looking forward to Veg coming home.

- Might cook him dinner.
- What, you?

Yes.
Thank you, Daniel. I can cook.

Anyway, tonight's the big night.

What time's Amy arriving?

Just after 9:00.

After she's finished
with her last client.

Yeah. What's she do again?

- Personal trainer.
- Personal trainer.

I went out with one of them.
Do you know what?

He used to stop foreplay
to put his fitness watch on.

It was a bit of a mood killer,
if I'm honest.

Really? That reminds me.

What's the password
for the dating site again?

I just wanna check my DMs
to make sure I'm not, like,

repeating myself with stories.

Yeah. Potato123.

Potato... Potato123?

Yeah. Potato123.

- Potato123. Potato123. Potato123.
- So, how did you, you know,

tell her about the whole
not-being-able-to-go-out thing?

Yeah. Yeah. You'll like this. Um...

I didn't.

Danny, just tell her.
She'll understand.

It's a first date.

I'll tell her
when things get more serious.

Like when we're in a care home together.

All right. Fine.
So what are you gonna cook?

Well...

- Where do you want it, Daniel?
- On the counter. Cheers, Adam.

Is Adam cooking?

No, he just picked up a few things.

Take me with you.

- Hi, Adam.
- Hi, Leese.

How's the firefighting?

Yeah, good. Well, not good.
No fire is good.

It's, like, our main rule.

Okay.
So, let me talk you through these.

I went foraging this morning,
so it's as fresh as can be.

- Danny, did he just say foraging?
- I think so, yeah.

So in here, you've got your nettles.
This is the best time of year for them.

I'm surprised there's ever a good time
to eat nettles.

Then you've got your wild garlic
and your chestnuts.

Any questions?

- I don't know where to begin. Um...
- Okay, so, for me,

I like to fry it all up with oil
and then have it with some wild rice.

Have you got any wild rice?

- Do I have any wild rice?
- No. You don't have wild rice.

Don't worry. I got you.
I'll be back in a sec. Don't go anywhere.

Danny, don't you think Adam
does enough for you?

He does your washing, shopping and now
you've got him in the woods foraging.

He likes to lend a helping hand.
I'm not gonna stop him.

I think you're taking advantage.

Here we go. Wild rice.

Brilliant. Thank you.
Right, Adam. Listen up.

We were just talking.

If you had to live without a body part,
what would it be?

Adam?

Adam?

Adam?

- Adam?
- Adam?

I don't know what I could,

but I definitely couldn't live
without my nose.

- Why not?
- I'd just miss it.

Did I ever tell you about that time

my uncle Brian worked in construction
in the '90s?

So there he was
with his mate Trevor, working away

when this six-foot sheet of metal
above them comes loose,

falls down, misses my uncle, but whoosh...

Catches his mate Trevor.

Slices the end of his nose off.

Somehow my uncle found the tip.

And without a moment's thought...

- No! Don't eat it!
- he popped it in his mouth.

He put it in his mouth?

- Well, you would, wouldn't you?
- No, you wouldn't.

- No. Why would you do that?
- No. You wouldn't.

The mouth is the best place
to keep it fresh.

No. I'm sorry. That just can't be true.

So wait.
Your uncle sucked on his mate's nose?

That's just not hygienic.
So what happened?

Well, they took Trevor and the tip
to the surgeon

and got it stitched back on.

Now my uncle's godfather
to Trev's daughter.

And as for his nose,
from some angles, you would never know.

But from others, it did look a bit
like a badly-split sausage.

Right. Well, I'd better shoot.

Gotta pop upstairs
and help Mr. Shamim into his bath.

Any problems,
I'm just across the hall, all right?

- Cheers, Adam. Appreciate it.
- Bye, Leese!

Bye.

That guy's just too nice for his own good.
I can't believe he's still single.

You know, you never say that about me.

But, Danny, I find it hard to comprehend

- that anyone ever went out with you.
- Yeah. Fair.

I am joking.

She better be good enough for you,
this Amy.

And she better not tease you
about how weird you are.

What, like you just did there?

Well, yeah.
But that's different. 'Cause I'm allowed.

Yeah. All right.
I'm a bit terrified, if I'm honest.

You know, the whole talking,

texting to her from, you know,
a distance of at least,

like, 14 square miles,
that's terrifying enough.

But, to have her here in the flat,
yards away from my underwear drawer.

You know, expecting me to talk,
say interesting things.

It's... It's horrifying. Like I don't know
how people do this, you know?

I don't have any stories to tell as well.

Because I've been inside all the time.
So I have no anecdotes.

I know I've put too much aftershave on
'cause it's starting to redden and...

it's starting to burn the nostrils.

Serious now, what are the chances
that Amy's gonna be up for some nettles?

What, you mean nettles
that a dog has almost certainly pissed on?

This is gonna be the worst date
in history.

No, it's not. It's gonna be great.

Plus, I have already been on
the worst date in history.

Tell me about it. 'Cause if it's good,
I'm gonna package it as my own story.

Well, he chose the place.

We had a couple of beers.
We had some good chat.

And then he suggested
we move to a different setting. I said...

Yeah. Sure.

And that's when I realized
our table wasn't just a table.

What's going on?

It was also a bike.

Seven miles he made me cycle.

And for a week after...

I walked around like a cowboy
lost in a car park.

Yeah. No, that's... that's pretty bad.

Listen.
I've been worrying about this all week.

I've come up with a few ideas

that might help her feel more at ease.

Course you have.
Go on then. Let's hear 'em.

Okay. First one.

Do I remove all doors on my cupboards

so that she knows
I'm not concealing any weapons

or recording devices?

- No.
- Okay. What about this one?

Should I put on two pairs of trousers?

You know what?

Why don't you just put a padlock
on your flies?

I think that'll really put her at ease.

Well, 'cause it...
What do you mean? Really?

No! A man with no cupboard doors

and wearing two pairs of trousers
would terrify me.

You know what you're trying to do?

- What?
- You're trying to sabotage yourself.

I know what you're like.

You've got this self-destructive thing

where you think you should be unhappy
and live alone for the rest of your life.

That does not sound like me.

I am a one-man roller coaster
of happiness.

Well, one-man roller coaster of happiness,
for one night only then,

why don't you try and enjoy yourself?

I hate trying to enjoy myself.
It hurts my tummy.

- That's her.
- Yep. I know it's her. I can hear.

- Okay.
- Um... Just relax.

- And, That's too much.
- Okay. Okay.

No, leave them. They were nice.

Um... I'm okay. Um... Sh...

- Calm down.
- I am calm.

Don't say "calm down"
'cause then I won't be calm.

Don't panic.

You're good. You've got this.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Don't do that voice.

I know. Shut up.

Hang on. Um, yeah.

- Two seconds.
- Okay.

Better.

It's her. She's here now.

- So, um... I'm going to, Yeah.
- Yeah, she's here.

- I'll keep you informed.
- Okay.

You're good. You've got this.

Just be normal, okay?

Don't say that.

Excuse me, sir. Sir?

Do it.

Amy.

Danny.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Sorry. Is it a kind of...
- Hands.

Double. Isn't that better?

Who's she?

I thought I knew all your friends.

Please, come in. Quickly. Sorry.
Just ignore him.

I know it's tough,
but trust me, it's for the best.

Or would you prefer that open?

Why would I prefer that?

I don't know. If you wanted to, you know...

You know...
In case you felt... If you...

If what?

If you're in fear of your life.
Speaking of which...

Adam.

- Yep?
- This is Adam.

- He's a... He's a firefighter.
- Hi.

Very tall, very muscular.

He can overpower me in an instant,

so that's the place to run

- if you... any whiff of trouble, okay?
- Danny?

- Yeah?
- What are you doing?

Just trying to make you feel at ease.

Danny. Calm down.
Get me a drink, for God's sake.

Is it... All right.

I mean, trust me,
if you did try anything dodgy,

I could kick your arse in an instant.

Okay. Excellent.
Good to... Yeah. Good to... Good to know.

So do you just want me to wait here or...

ma'am I stabbed him in the neck.
Like you said. I told you that.

But what you didn't tell us
is that you also strangled him earlier.

You actually killed him twice.

Well, now, ma'am...

- Cover me.
- Okay.

Hey, Leese. Everything okay?

Hey. Yeah. Just checking you landed okay.

- We haven't even taken off.
- What?

No. Flight got delayed.

Yeah, pilot's lost his hat or something.
I don't know.

Aw.

- 3:00!
- What?

Get him right in the face!

What are you doing?

Sorry. Me and Rob
are playing Dead Zone Seven.

You know, just to kill the time.

- And zombies.
- Yes, and zombies, to be fair.

So, what's up?

No. Nothing.
Just looking forward to seeing you.

- Yeah?
- Sorry.

Did I say you? I meant my Toblerone.

Charming.

If we get delayed any longer,
you'll be lucky if it makes it home.

- No.
- Yeah. Honestly, Lisa,

- I've never been so hungry in all my life.
- Don't you dare, Veggie.

That Toblerone... is
the only thing that's keeping me going.

I am dangerously bored right now.

Nine o'clock!

Okay. And I'm boring you
with how bored I am.

Well, um, you know,
why don't you give Danny a call?

You know, you usually do.

Well, yeah.
I mean, only 'cause he's up when I'm up.

But... No, he's actually, um...
He's on a date tonight.

Right.
Good for him. It's about time.

That's what I thought. It is good for him.
So, um... So, yeah.

Everything's all good basically.

Hang on, Leese.
They've breached the barricades.

- I'll text you when I land, okay?
- Okay.

Sorry. We'll just be a few minutes.

Hello. You okay?

Amazing.

- What is?
- She is.

That's good.

Yeah. There I was,
totally worried about everything, right?

She walks in,
sees me acting like a twat, says,

"Bollocks to this."

Takes one look
at the dog piss nettles and says,

"Well,
let's just order in Chinese instead."

Honestly, I think
she's the funniest person I've ever met.

Well, that's great.

Yeah. And also, she just...
She's so easy to talk to.

That's so great. That's really...

- That's amazing.
- Yeah.

So, like, when you're talk...
When the... With the f... Um...

Like, with the funny thing, like,
why's she so funny?

Like, what's her... Give me some examples.

Like, what's her style? Like...

Yeah. There was this bit where she...

Honestly, I could not stop...

You know
when you're not supposed to laugh?

Like when you're in school
and you'd get told off.

I just could not stop laughing
and kept going and going and going.

I was cracking up. There was a bit...

What was it? She was like...
She was just kind of...

I don't know if it's gonna make
any sense. That's the thing.

It's one of those things
where you had to be there.

That sort of thing. Anyway, I'd better go.

She's probably wondering
why I'm taking so long.

I'll speak to you later. Ciao.

Okay.

Poppy?

Ice cream.

"Toes"?

You're joking.

I'm bloody not.
You think your cat fella is bad?

My neighbor, literally without fail,

sings through my letter box
every night at precisely 1:00 a.m.

He sounds nuts.

Yeah. Nice voice though.

There we go.

Lisa, she, um...

she has this neighbor that...

Hold on. Sorry.

Talk of the devil.

Sorry. I'll just...

- Must be something important. Sorry.
- Yes. It's okay.

Hi.

Hey. Sorry,
I just wanted to let you know,

I've sent you a reset link
for the password for the dating site.

'Cause I was just thinking,
if my account gets hacked,

then your messages will get hacked too.
And that'd be really bad.

Right. Okay. Well, yeah, thank you.

Yeah. So, is Amy still there?

Yeah. Yeah, she's still here.

That's great.
I mean, she obviously really likes you.

I mean, if she didn't,

she definitely would have sent a text
to a friend, getting them to call,

saying there was an emergency
and she had to leave immediately. So...

- Right. Okay. Well, yeah.
- No one's called.

Yeah. 'Cause, I mean, usually,
that's within the first 15 minutes.

So... if someone calls now,

then it probably is a real emergency.

Right. Well, thanks for letting me know.

Okay. Um... Yeah, all right.
Well, I'll let you go.

Good luck. Have fun.

Yeah. Bye.

- Hi, and welcome to Rapid Recipes.
- Hi.

Now, this recipe
is one of my all-time favorites.

An absolute banger
and guaranteed to impress.

Are we ready?

- Ready.
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remember to hit that
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so that when our latest video drops,
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Okay, are we ready?

Still ready.

So, I came up with this recipe

whilst walking through
the canola flower fields of Gansu,

- which... I'm not gonna lie...
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This method of cooking actually hails
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Traveling the country by rail
is a great way of seeing China

and all it has to offer.

I'll never forget the last words
my grandmother said to me before she died.

My God. Nobody cares.

Okay, so let's get down to some cooking.

Finally.

Travel to China in five-star...

No.

Hey.

Hi. How was Aberdeen?

Only really
saw the hotel conference suite.

It was nice though.

- I come with chocolate.
- Aw. Thank you.

Hungry?

Starving. I was just gonna grab a Huel.

Well, actually,
I thought I might cook.

God, are you...
Are you feeling okay?

Don't be mean.

He's always doing that.

So, any scandal?

You know, "What happens in Aberdeen,
stays in Aberdeen"?

Not really.
Just, you know, insurance stuff mainly.

Really? God, that's boring.

I thought conferences
were all about people getting drunk

and having orgies in hotel rooms.

- You've met the people I work with.
- Come on. There must be some gossip.

Who was that one at the Christmas party
who kept stroking your arm all night?

Paula.

She definitely has a dungeon in her house.

- No.
- Yeah.

Although she did
just have her basement converted.

See?

Actually...

I saw this program the other day,

and there was this couple, right,
who were having their basement done up.

What did you do?

Veg.

So good.

So good.

Looks great.

Yeah, I managed to scrape
most of the burnt bits off.

So, bon app�tit.

- Who's that?
- It's just,

Steve from the Milton Keynes office.

Well, share the joke.

Ri... Sorry, yeah.

Um, last night, the whole team,
we went out for dinner.

And we were starving,
so we ended up at Five Guys.

Five Guys?
Wow, you never go to Five Guys with me.

- Right, yeah. Sorry. Um, we were there...
- Sorry, sorry.

- Yeah. Go on.
- Yeah, and...

They've got this,
drinks machine, you know,

where you can pick whatever you want.

- Yeah. Okay.
- So... Steve...

- Steve goes up to it...
- Okay.

And he mixes together...

God, no. What?

Coke, Coke Zero and Diet Coke.
Like... Like a third of each.

He didn't.

It gets better.

- Okay.
- So then,

he goes over to the guy that works there,

who's looking at him like he is insane.

- I bet he was.
- And,

Steve says...

Steve says,

"I'm sorry, I've got a Coke problem."

No way.

Man.

I thought they were gonna, like,
throw us out or something.

Yeah, I bet you did.
God, that is just so Steve, isn't it?

Have you met him before?

No. But, you know,
I feel like I have now.

Yeah. Man.

The guy is such a joker.

Kills me.

You know what we should do?

I've got some cards.

They're called Spicy Talk.

- Spicy Talk?
- That's right.

They're like a "where'd you
lose your virginity" sort of thing.

They're a gift from Lisa.

Could be fun?

- Yeah, I'm game.
- Yeah?

Sure.

Question one.

"Where is the wildest place
you have ever had sex?"

My mum and dad's bed.

A mini submarine.

Basildon.

Trust me. It's crazy.

"Tell me the story of your first love."

Serena Williams.

I had this recurring dream
about her challenging me

to an arm wrestle.
She beat me every time.

That one's quite specific, isn't it?

Wonder Woman. Figurine.

Yeah, I sandpapered her uniform off.

To see her naked.

You know, things didn't work out...

for obvious reasons.

"What do you think is your best quality?"

My lung capacity.

Yeah, I can hold my breath
for four and a half minutes.

Looking on the bright side of life.
Plus, a great arse.

- Humble.
- What about you?

I'd say probably that, um, I'm quiet.

My jizz.

And I like to tidy up after myself.

- So sexy.
- Isn't it?

- Yeah.
- Then rounding off the full package,

I like to stay out of the way.

"Weirdest sexual fantasy?"

I have one, but it's not mine.

You already know that.

Yeah. Yeah. Course.

You never told anyone though, did you?

What? No. Definitely not.

So, the sound of Marge Simpson's voice
actually gave him the horn.

You know... I was really
drunk when I said that.

"Tell me something
you've never told anyone."

I don't know what a meme is.

I don't mind Coldplay.

- You're a monster. Too far.
- I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna leave my own flat.

Do you know what,
I c-can't really think of anything.

You're lying to me. You are.
You're doing that thing with your nose

- when you're hiding something.
- No.

Tell me what it is.
Tell me what you're hiding.

- Tell me, tell me, tell me.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.

You remember the Michael Bubl� concert
we went to

when I got a bit carried away

and had all those espresso martinis
by mistake?

Well, the next day I was out running
and they all sort of hit me.

Then something happened.

Something else.

Go away.

- Ruby! Here, girl.
- Ruby? Where are you?

Ruby?

- Lovely morning.
- Hiya.

- Ruby?
- It wasn't until I looked back

that I realized she was doing it.

How did you do such a massive poo-poo?

No! Veggie!

Don't laugh at that. It's not funny.

The dog was tiny.

How she thought it came out of it,
what's she feeding it?

Um...

I, I need to get to bed.

I-I really wanna have a workout
in the morning.

Sorry.

Okay.

Love you.

Night.

Yeah. And now actually try.

- I am trying.
- Okay.

Is this the first time
you've ever done this?

Can you tell?

Fast, fast, fast. As fast you can.

Yeah, that looks really good.

- Is that it?
- Yes. And hook!

There we go. Dead. Gone.

Um, yeah. Jab!

Jab, jab, jab, jab, jab, jab, jab.
Super... Superspeed.

Yeah. As fast as you can.
You're better than you thought.

Veg?

Yeah?

I'll come too.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Great.

Any minute now,

you'll be ready to sleep the sleep
of a thousand dreams.

Let me take you on a journey of discovery.

Let my voice wash over your body,

as together we peel back the layers.

Exposing ourselves to...

Veggie?

Vegger?

If you had to live without one part
of your body, what would it be?

Yeah. I'll sort it in the morning.

Only three more miles to go.

Great. Yeah, um...

- Who died?
- What? Mum. Nobody.

Come on, Leese. You know the rules.

Anything after 10:30
has to be death-related.

Yeah. Sorry. I forgot.
No, no. It's just, um...

Come on, come on. Out with it.

Well, no. Nothing. Just...
Okay, look, tiny thing.

- You think I'm funny, right?
- Funny as in weird or funny ha ha?

- Funny ha ha.
- Leese,

I'm not the right person to ask.

You know
how uncomfortable I get around laughter.

All right. Forget I said anything.

How's Poppy?

Yeah, she's fine.

And Veggie?

Yeah, you know.
He's, He's working hard.

Leese?

Why did you really call me?

Well, I had better go. My taxi's outside.

Yeah, um. This was... This was fun.
It was... It was nice and stuff, you know.

Um, maybe we should do it again,
if... if you want to.

Yes. I'd love to.

Yeah?

But no, I don't think so.

Danny, you're sweet. You're funny.
You're bloody weird. I like you.

- That all sounds like good stuff.
- Where... Where did I go wrong?

Do you know what you spent
half of the night talking about?

Your ex. You're obviously not over her.

Wait. Chloe? I don't remember talking
about Chloe at all.

Chloe? No, I'm talking about the one
who kept calling you all night. Lisa.

Lisa? No, no, no, no, no.
She's not my ex. We're just mates.

Well, I hate to break it to you,
but you're not.

Not from where I'm standing.

Honestly, Mum.

Me and Veggie, we're... we're good.
We're good.

You know what I think of Veggie.
The way he treats you.

The way he's taken on Poppy
like she's his own.

What that man lacks in personality,
he makes up for in reliability.

I think he's great.

Yeah, I know he's great.

But you don't owe anyone anything
in this life, Leese.

If you're questioning things,
if you're having doubts,

if that's what this is, then it's okay.
It doesn't make you a bad person.

- No, honestly, I think I'm just...
- It's just lack of sleep.

I'll be fine in the morning.

All right. If you're sure.

- Yeah, I am. Thanks.
- For what?

- Well, for listening.
- Well, I'm your mum, aren't I?

Yeah.

And you do think
I'm funny ha ha, right, Mum?

Don't beat yourself up.

Me and your dad was never funny,
so it's not your fault.

What? Mum.

Great.

Now the birds are up.
Gonna have to find me earplugs now.

Look, try and get some sleep, all right?

- Okay. Night.
- Bye. Night night.

I'm well funny.

Shame.

I think we'd have been brilliant together.

Yeah.

Bye, Danny.

Bye, Amy.

Maybe give me a call if you ever...

God!

Get it out! Get it out!

God. Hang on.

Please.

My God.
My God. My God. My God.

Adam, quick! It's an emergency!

My bloody finger.

- Yeah.
- Where is it? Um...

Okay. I've got it. I've got it.
I've got it. I've got it.

Adam, bring ice!

Um, don't panic.
It's all right.

What are you doing?

Who needed ice?

Hiya. Hope you had a good night.
Just checking in.

Um, yeah. Knock knock.

Come on, Danny. Join in. Knock knock.

Who's there?

- Control freak.
- Control...

Now you say, "Control freak who?"

Anyway, hope tonight was fun. Speak soon.

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