All language subtitles for Slash.2016.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H264-FGT

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The pleasure gardens of milliarcha v

made it the Jewel of the inner
rim for over five centuries.

It took nearly 48 hours
for everything to change.

A great alien evil had enslaved
the once peaceful planet.

For the high council,
there was only one option.

Vanguard, the infamous
mercenary was dispatched

to face the entity responsible,

the kragon, the Duke of raggidi,

the butcher of barsa,

destroyer of worlds.

Vanguard's orders were
simple. Eliminate.

Time for school.

I know.

He crashed hard. Vanguard nearly
broke the slave girl's fall.

She was straddling
him now. Face to face.

Seems I didn't leave
this world early enough.

The air is still
breathable. Just the same.

Neither gained much ground.
They were almost evenly matched.

We are almost evenly matched.

Almost?

I was weaned on the psychedelic
gasses of raggidi prime.

I see their effect on
humans is not unusual.

It would be a shame to waste

so worthy an adversary.

The raggidi also find the
gas to have a pleasing effect.

Vanguard peered into
the evil lord's eyes,

then back to the slave girl.

Then those eyes.

Then the girl.

Then the eyes. And then the girl.

Then the...

It all happened so fast.

A flash of bodies, limbs, flesh

pressing together. Their
hunger knew no bounds.

Suddenly all the atrocities,

the murderous tyrant had ever committed

were nothing more than an afterthought.

Lust was the only thing
on vanguard's mind.

Lust was all that mattered now.

- A toast.

It's my good fortune

to have a good fortune.

And I bring it all to you,

most honorable heads of houses,
prentiss and hollycotton.

And of course, your
highly eligible daughters,

one of whom I soon intend to wed.

- He knew it was
wrong. - -Cheers.

But why did it feel so right?

In the throes of passion,
vanguard was quickly reminded

of the debacle at the high council.

And with it, his previous conquest.

- What's that?
- Nothing.

If it's nothing, why do you care?

It wouldn't even make sense.
Really? Are you saying I'm dumb?

No, there's just-
there's no context.

Neil, is that a diary?

I don't know. Neil won't let me see it.

- Let me see that.
- Hey!

Senator zaxa approached vanguard,

his eyes set on the soldier
of fortune's engorged...

Pelvic region?

Mother of fuck!

We should burn it. We
don't burn books, Jessie.

Fucking disgusting.

Many taxonomic groups don't
actually have separate sexes,

so hermaphroditism is a normal thing.

Now what Edward is handing out

represents the sequential hermaphrodite.

In this case, the slipper snail.

It begins its life as a male.

But if the female population dwindles,

then the largest male in the group

will spontaneously switch genders.

I will pull your face off.

Oh, I'm shaking.

All right. Stand.

- You wrote this?
- Fuck no.

Julia, out.

Now.

Okay, who's the budding
d. H. Lawrence here?

Mr. shafer.

Let's chat after class.

Where's mom?

She's at her book club thingy.

What book are they reading? -What?
- At mom's book club, what book?

Are you autistic? Who cares?

Dad doesn't want to think
about her stupid book club.

- She's exploring interests.
- Fuck that.

Maybe she's with an attorney. Your
mother is not with an attorney.

We're just figuring stuff out, okay?

- Like how to get
divorced? - -Uh!

What do you even know about divorce

in the first place?

You wanna start some shit?

- Whoa, what is that?
- Neil got caught with porno

and now he has to see a counselor.
Porno? Like porno porno?

I didn't have porno, idiot. Really?

Because, oh, it says right
here- lemme- lemme see that.

Oh, Jesus. I knew it was a
bad idea to go there alone.

But my tire was low, and
I couldn't make it back.

The gas station was closed
and the lights were off,

but the air compressor
still took my change.

As I pumped new life
into the flaccid tire,

I heard a voice behind me.

He was older, probably in
his 40s, by the sound of him.

But I didn't dare turn around to check.

He pressed the pistol
hard against my lower back.

Pushing, pushing it through my sweater

until it bruised my flesh.

He told me to get down on all fours,

- like a dog.
- Thank you, Julia, that is enough.

- I'm not finished.
- Oh, you're finished.

- Have a seat.
- I have three pages left. This wasn't the assignment.

Well, you assigned a confessional.
This didn't happen to you.

- How do you know?
- Come on. What? It could have.

- Not likely.

Mr. snow, this is a
narrative writing class

and I wrote a narrative. It is not
your place to condemn my subject.

But it absolutely is my place to
condemn inappropriate material.

How the hell can you call this inappropriate?
You're not even qualified to judge.

You're a man. So are you.

All right, okay, we're done here.

I need to see the principal.
Are you going to get him?

Sign in and sit down.

Eww. Pohl? Is that "starchild?"

Yeah. Pohl's only halfway
okay when he collaborates

with other writers.

Did you ever read "the space merchants?"

Mm-hmm. It's pretty good.

I think this one kinda sucks though.

I have something for you.

I didn't know you wrote.

Oh, i-
this-

- i didn't mean
for- -i liked it.

Are you in trouble?

Yeah, I have to see a counselor.

Yeah, well, I'm here for enacting
my first amendment rights.

I wrote an erotic fable. Well,
it was more of a parable.

It's a bit more grounded
than yours, but-

you get the idea.

What?

Do you write other
stories, like, um-

like erotic literature?

Mm-hmm. All the time.

- It's all online.
- Really? Where?

A riddle.

Eat me, drink me.

Well, good luck, young juvie.

Wait, you're leaving?

Where are they?

I don't think you're supposed to smoke.

My mom smoked when she
was pregnant with me.

I don't think that's- it's not like
a myth. It's a circulation thing.

No, it's fine.

We get it, shit ass!

All right, where to?

The mall!

His was the way of the warrior.

Crass. Uneducated. But strong.

His abilities would prove
useless in the enchanted forest.

Where the ancient inhabitants dwelled

and recesses of one's own mind.

The hunter pushed forth unaware

fain had been watching him
from the moment he entered.

Neil!

It's Neil, right?

Are you watching me? No.

Well, yeah.

No, i- I was
just curious.

- About?
- What we talked about the other day.

We talked the other day?

Sorry.

Neil.

God, come back. I'm fucking with you.

- Um.
- It's cool. I write slash, too.

Yeah, I know. I read
your stuff. All of it.

Your fan fic is amazing.

I see you got my code.

I do like what you did with the
forest guard in "midnight come lately. "

They're really under utilized in canon.
Yeah, they're conceptually awesome,

but I feel like nobody gets it.

It's like they're begging us to fix 'em.

You're doing what they
wished they could do

if they didn't have to
answer to the publisher.

Yeah, exactly. Mainstream
success is for chumps.

You know, like, the wood spirit,

and pagan gods and ritual magic?

It's really...

Sexual? Yeah.

It's so rich. Organized
religion just totally nut clipped

everything that was great about
traditional fertility rituals.

I mean, that's the only part about
fame that I even give a shit about.

It's just a jumping off point.

It's funny that they
think it's kid's stuff,

but, like, there's all this subtext.

I know.

I bet we're the only two
kids in this entire joint

that know about what we know about.

It's kind of special.

You wanna ditch?

School?

No, I mean, you wanna dig a ditch?

- Let's go.
- Oh, i- I can't

I have a test in social
studies next period.

It's on the incas.

Well, it's not like
a midterm or anything,

so um yeah.

I let martine take my car
to work, so we have to walk.

But it's just the mall.

Martine's crazy.

I mean, she's pretty much best friend,

she's just sort of a bitch.

Is that- is that
the pregnant girl?

"At frontier's rim?"

I hate these things. They
never get the book right.

Well, I guess I'm lucky
that fain hasn't made

the leap to the big screen yet.

Just it pisses me off that
whenever I see vanguard in my head

- that guy...
- Well, he's not your character.

I mean, that's why it's called fan fic.

- Yeah, but.
- You seen it yet?

Like five times.

God damn it.

She's not getting off work until like 6.

Okay, I don't have
anything better to do.

Will it be-
smell like...

Will my parents be able to tell?

You don't have to. It's cool.

No, I mean, i want to, but...

Thank you.

Uh! Shut your door.

- Put your seat down.
- Why?

What, are you ashamed
to be seen with me?

I don't know. I just- I
don't want to get into it.

There's too much backstory.

Mike holloway drove his truck

through my mom's
marigolds when I was ten.

Then he gave her the finger.

I am so stoned.

Heads up, knob-goblin! Uh!

Hey, wake up! Let's go. Move.
Move to the back. Move it!

- Go to the back.
- Okay.

Ow! I'm pregnant, bitch!

You know, your arm's
not pregnant, moron.

Jesus, I thought that was Mike.

You're really tearing
through them these days.

Are you kidding me?

Hi. I just don't get
what you guys are doing

for an hour and a half in the parking
lot. Were you like blowing each other?

We were talking about writing.

Whoa! Wait, you write that shit, too?

I should have known.
Who do you have fucking?

Harry Potter?

Thomas the train engine?

I just gotta know whose fictional dick

is going in whose made-up
mouth. You can't even read.

Yeah, I can read. I read all the time.

I read actual books for adults.

- Not baby books.
- Okay, name one.

"Wuthering heights," ass blood.

- The bronte sisters wrote fan fic.
- What?

The bronte sisters. Emily bronte,

of "wuthering heights,"
wrote erotic fan fiction.

They're like pioneers.

Wow. It's really good
Mike isn't here to find out

that you're still such
a fucking geeeeeek!

Dude, you know weed stays in your system

for like two weeks.

On your clothes, on your jacket.

Leave him alone.

Hey, tomorrow, 2:00. Let's
meet in the courtyard.

We can drive around.

Bye.

Belzac and deron zaxa had
been fighting for hours.

Sweat tinged the air of the war chamber.

That was the first thing
vanguard noticed as he entered.

The bulge in his leather
pants jumped to attention-

erect member out of-
suddenly, belzac reentered-

his mouth, usually
only engaged in ordering

soldiers to their deaths,
now found its true purpose.

We will not stand for this.

If the trade union continues
to block us at every turn...

Block you? Block you.

Your armada
destroyed the last-

- twelve.
- Twelve shipments of illinium

- sent to parak menom.
- Only 12?

Now 13.

It's an embargo. A legal embargo.

Odd definition of the word legal.

- Actually- -oh, so that's
why you brought your...

Muscle?

You have nothing to
fear from us, deron zaxa.

You or your muscle.

I will not be mocked aboard my own ship.

Hired ship. It's his freighter.

What do I pay you for? Move!

Whatever he pays you, we'll double it.

Allow us to show you
what we'll pay you for.

I don't have all day.
Yes, sir, very busy.

You have a lunch at...

1300.

Christ!

God!

Zaxa's hand reached
down- down to his zipper.

The ambient humidity in the room

reached a level that set
off the climate klaxon.

But zaxa couldn't...
Or wouldn't... stop.

Hey, Neil.

God I sucked today.

You were really good.

That accent is, it's out of control.

I think it's funny when
you do it like that.

It's supposed to be a comedy, right?

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

See, that's why i like you, man.

You always make me feel better.

So you get like touched
inappropriately by the doctor?

No, he just puts goo all over your
belly. -It's not a big deal. -Yeah.

You have no clue how big a speculum is.

It's like three adult dicks glued
together. Sounds like me though.

Hey, snoop dog! Come here!

- Well, who's this?
- Julia's new boyfriend.

- Jealous?
- For real?

What's up, bro? I'm Mike.

Ow. I'm Neil.

- Well, I guess i owe you one, Neil.
- You do?

Yeah, for taking little
miss elf quest off my hands.

She has been up my hole like 24-7.

Hey, fetus.

So long, kiddies, let's ride around.

Better not leak on my seats, martine.

I don't leak. It all stays in
me. For like another two months.

Gross.

Hey, I wanna tell you about something.

There's a con in Houston coming up.

Like a comic con?
Yes, like a comic con.

A big one.

The rabbit's hole is
hosting a private mixer.

- It's invite only.
- Oh, yeah.

- I think I heard of that.
- Well, I got invited.

Really? Cool.

Yeah, there's a live read, too. I
mean, that's only for rock stars,

so, I don't wanna be
presumptuous or whatever,

but I think they might ask me.

You can still get invited. You
just need to upload your damn work.

Yeah, but... don't you have to be 18?

You're joking, right? I don't
even know if my stuff is...

- I don't know!
- Come on, it's good.

You barely even read any.
Well, it's gotta be good.

I mean, you're so repressed.

That shit has gotta come out somehow.

Drop us off at Neil's house!

Oh, man, I thought you were joking.

Exactly how i imagined it.

I guess it's pretty drab.

My mom's been kind of away.

Moment of truth. Crack her open.

Julia, I didn't really mean
for these to be seen by anybody.

Yes, you did. Otherwise you
wouldn't have written them.

I can't watch.

- I thought you couldn't watch.
- Sorry.

Oh, my god.

Do these girls actually
wear space bikinis?

It's ceremonial.
They were given-

it's not my idea.

Well, I just like that
there's actual girls in here.

Wow, you are one twisted fuck.

I love it.

- Ooh, prepare to be analized!
- It's not a toy.

It's not a toy. That's so weird. -It
looks like a toy. -You're gonna break it.

- That's crazy.
- Whoa!

Say your space prayers, sucka.

Am I interrupting? Don't you knock?

Um, dad is working late.
There's food in the fridge.

Where are you going?
Oh, my band has a show.

What's your band?

Dance or die.

It sounds awesome. Yeah,
well, it's pretty stupid.

I bet you're really good.
- Just get out! -All right.

I'm off. I have to pick up Tim.
It smells like sweat in here.

What was that?

I'm bisexual, just so you know.

Eww, she's not even gay.

All women are bisexual. All of them.

My first blog, clitora majora,

is all about it.

- So, you ready?
- No. For what?

It's time to upload.

I don't think I'm ready.

Dude, they only send
invites to writers who post.

And besides, writers, real writers,

let people read their
shit. And your shit is good.

I mean, it's not as good as mine,

but traditionally boys don't
write very good erotica.

- So, by those
standards- -okay, fine.

Just, stop talking.

Really?

Oh, my god. What are
you like the one person

on the entire Internet that
doesn't lie about their age?

- Are you a mennonite?
- No.

I just, I don't want
to misrepresent myself.

Okay. I'm gonna go out on a limb here

and say that this is not
about misrepresenting yourself.

You don't want to do
this because once you do,

you're one of us.

It's the final line. The last taboo.

Well, there's no turning back, Van fan.

It's in god's hands now.

What? Can we just turn comments off?

No, dude, it's part of
the public record now.

You're killing me.

Let's talk about something
else. Literally anything else.

I like the way you eat.

Neil, when we were horsing around,

did you get a boner?

- Like a little bit of a boner?
- No!

Okay. It's cool if you did.

I thought
that you were-

what? Nothing.

It's cool if you popped
a chub. God, shut up.

- Yo.
- Where's martine?

I don't know. At the
abortion clinic with her mom.

Wanna grab some food? We can go
to footlongers and get some subs.

Watch "celebrity
apprentice" at my place.

And by your place you
mean your mom's basement?

Yeah, whatever. I got weed.

You wanna come?

Whoa! What the fuck do
you think I look like?

A fucking full service food court?

No, that's okay. I've got math homework.

See, he's got math
homework. He's got a future.

Fuck you.

Neil, really great work today.

I have you nymph.

The hot breath is his voice
in her elongated, elfin ear.

The ear that to nymph kind,

seconded as a highly erogenous zone.

Fain was lost unto herself.

His name now known to her. Michael.

Sir Michael. My sweet Michael.

All right, so nicklepenny
comes through the door

minus his pants. Hollycotton
is surprised and crosses to I-6.

Mr. nicklepenny!

- I thought you were-
- across the hall?

This mansion is still
quite a mystery to me.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
That's too much. Reverse.

No, no, that's not right either.

Look, I have a test in 30 minutes,

and I'm not going to fail
because of your slow ass.

And how long did we wait
for you to get off-book?

Fuck you! I have dyslexia. Miss
Lewis, this is a tech rehearsal

and I can't put up with her anymore.
I take dyslexia medication.

Jessie, take a break.

Neil, hey. Neil! Huh?

Could you be so kind as to
relieve miss hunt for a moment?

I can't put
up with her-

can you imagine having
to deal with her parents?

So, Jessie tells me you're a writer.

You really freaked her out.

- Oh, I didn't mean to.
- Dude, that needed to happen.

This place could use some subversion.

Yeah, um, in ap English,
we got to read Oscar wilde-

- so you gonna let me read it?
- Oh.

Okay, let's take it
from the double entendre.

It seems that Horace has mistakenly

taken my clothes.

Thankfully not all of them.

Yes, thankfully.

Oh- it's cotton. Cotton's
a very versatile fabric,

don't you think?

Extremely pliable to a man's touch.

What appears course,

now in my hands is so very, very soft.

Oh, my god.

Oh, listen to this, "deron zaxa,

ever the orator, put his mouth
to quite a different purpose now. "

Dude, this deron zaxa
guy is you straight up.

- Neil.
- You do know he's straight, right?

Thanks.

You're gonna have to drive my car.

Are you crying?

No.

I'm pretty sure you're crying.

Never drink vodka from a
plastic jug with a handle.

Okay.

Mike holloway is pure dick cheese.

Neil, I have something
important to tell you.

Something I've been
thinking about for a while.

I think you use too much flowery prose.

What?

You say things like, "he
stroked his velvet rod,"

when you should be like,
"he pumped his stone cock. "

Readers respond better
to direct language.

Thanks.

I can impart the wisdom of our
one year age difference, you know?

Um, your mom has a
lot of religious stuff.

Yeah, I think that's why
my dad killed himself.

He was gay, you know.

My dad, he kept it to himself.

I guess he preferred
death to coming out.

Man, do you really think
being gay killed him?

I don't wanna be here
when my mom gets home.

What?

Mom's home.

Stay here.

I- I had to print
something for work.

You know we've always
supported your interests.

And the Internet is,
wow, an incredible tool.

- We don't have to do this.
- I think what we're trying to say is just 'cause

information is out there,
doesn't mean it's accurate.

We just don't want you getting
particular information, you know,

- from the wrong sources.
- I'm 15.

Hey, you can read whatever
you want. We're fine with that.

As long as you're reading.

Uh-huh, as long as
it's not "mein kampf. "

But actually, well, "mein kampf" is
actually a pretty interesting read.

Honey, I don't want you
to feel awkward about this.

If you want to read intelligent
prose on human sexuality

I can make you a reading list.

Eww! No! What do you mean intelligent?

Well, it's just whoever wrote
that story on your computer,

they obviously don't have the first
clue about actual human relationships.

It's demented. I don't think
your mother's talking about

- the homosexual content, not particularly.
- Please stop.

It's just more of a
basic plotting problem.

You're absorbing material
that has some rudimentary

grammatical errors in it.
You've got sentence fragments,

you've got dangling participles.

I actually have been helping
Neil with his writing.

- Huh.
- He's got a lot of innate talent.

He just uses too much flowery prose.

There's no flowery prose!

Neil tells me you two
are considering a split?

- What?
- I'm sorry.

I just thought I could
provide some insight,

since my parents are divorced.
I'm sorry to hear that.

Open and honest dialog is key

to maintaining a stable relationship.

- Is it now?
- Totally. I write about it all the time.

That and be honest about
one's own sexual desires.

- It's rare that anyone ever is.
- Huh.

I edit a lit journal on women's studies.

I plan to pursue that in college.

- Women's studies?
- Yeah, female sexuality

in literature, specifically.
Reverse gender roles in pop culture,

sexual submissive
hierarchy, rape paradigms.

I actually wrote a 22
page thesis on the concept

of venereal disease as
a female guilt trigger.

It's no big deal. I did a
paper on monotremes, remember?

Are monotremes a form of VD?

Don't be embarrassed,
Neil. It's natural.

Yeah, Neil, don't be
embarrassed. It's natural.

- Do you ever read
any online- -dad!

- I actually write online
- poetry.

Online poetry. Lady poetry.

- About strong women.
- Lady poetry?

You really need to bring
friend around more often.

Did Neil tell you guys
about the convention?

- The comic con?
- It's also for writers.

Neil, you didn't mention that.
It's for regular writers!

- Is that true?
- Define regular.

I think she means non-erotic.

Are you guys crazy? What makes you think

I would go to an erotic
writing convention?

I don't know! Why would you
have it on your computer?

I mean, do they have
that- what was the name?

- Uh- vang-
- vanguard erotica.

- Please stop saying "erotica" at the dinner table.
- No, please don't.

I just need to know if you're
going to a place for adults.

Yeah, mom has a strict
no sex dungeon policy.

I'm not. We're not! You don't
have to lie to me, you know.

Your mom is not as square as you think.

I even went to a key party once.
When did you go to a key party?

I'm not lying.

Good.

So speaking of writing,
how much do you guys know

about the bronte sisters?

I'm sorry about that.

You know what, no, Neil, you
have to get past this repression.

Yeah, well, why don't I come by and
give a lecture on the sexual fantasies

of Emily bronte to your mom.

Your parents are cool. You're lucky.

Our situations are so different.

- You told me that your dad killed himself.
- He did.

"Oh, hey, Neil's parents,
why don't you let me

give you some insight because
my parents are divorced. "

- You don't get it.
- Yeah, I don't.

What?

Well, I'm picking you
up tomorrow at 9 am,

so be ready.

- Some dinner, huh?
- Sorry.

Hey, I like her. She's a character.

Well, lemme guess. I can't go now?

Dad. I'm good.

Take it. Take it.

Do you remember when I used to take
you to those autograph conventions?

Yeah. Remember when you
stood in line for two hours

to try to get butch Patrick to sign

your munsters lunch box?
And then he wouldn't.

Butch Patrick was a dick.

All right, as far as your mom knows,

you're staying at your
cousin's, all right?

And I'm counting on you
to do the right thing.

At least not to do, not
to do the wrong thing.

She's more mature than you.

Huh? In some ways?

I mean, maybe mature
is not the right word.

Dad.

You really like this girl, don't you?

I liked the same type.
When I was your age I did.

But be careful, huh?
These arty girls-

I don't wanna see you get hurt, okay?

All right, good talk, right?

All right, I'll see you later.

Hola!

Neil, your friends are multiplying.

Is that a pregnant joke?

This shit is getting super old.
We're not letting her do this again.

You can say whatever you want about
me, but I'm not a fucking flake.

- What happened?
- Mike happened.

Fucking douchebag. It's a
good thing i went by there.

- She's not gonna go?
- Oh, she's going.

I mean, look at you.

Look at what you do to
yourself for her, dumb ass.

That's fine.

I feel kind of responsible for you.

I mean, you're just like
her when we first met.

I liked her 'cause she
was all smart and funny,

and she tried so hard to be my friend.

And she would, like, offer
to do my homework and shit.

And I would just make fun
of her costumes and stuff.

You know she used to
dress like an elf, right?

I don't know.

I didn't think I tried to change her.

I mean I took her out
with Mike, and that was it.

I guess he was like the first normal guy

to ever take interest in her.

He's normal?

Don't change for her, dude.

Don't let her be your Mike.

- Please be quiet, okay? My mom's sleeping.
- She here?

- Yes. -Then what the fuck, dude,
- what is she doing here? -I don't-

she told Neil she would
take him to comic con.

Holy shit.

That's amazing. Dude.

Oh, ho, dude, please get out.
I need a better look at this.

This coming from a guy in his pajamas.
I'm listen- I'm not busting your balls.

I promise you. Just come on. - I need a
fucking picture. - -You're such a dick.

I'm not the one making
a scene, okay, martine?

You're the one making a scene right now.

Come on, get up. Give me a little,
give me a little twirly twirl.

Oh, man, I'm not nearly stoned
enough for this right now.

Oh! What the fuck!

Jesus!

- I only wanted a picture, freak.
- You are the freak.

You and your stupid fucking mustache.

Ow.

Yo, bro.

You ever see those um-
you ever see those pictures

I took of her wearing that elf shit?

Well, sometimes all she
wore were those little ears.

Yeah, those were my special pics. Neil!

Get the fuck off!

Oh, Galadriel. Babe,
I knew you were a nerd.

I didn't know you were a fucking retard.

Whoa! Oh, shit! Oh!

This is funny. You're fucking crazy.

You can't be all stoic in that costume.

It looks ridiculous.

Don't worry about me.

I am worried about
driving for three hours

with a guilt-bot programmed
to guilt me to death.

How can you hang out with that guy?

He's like everything
you pretend to hate.

What do you mean "pretend?"

Nothing. Just forget it.

You are acting like a really
jealous boyfriend right now.

Well, I'm not your
boyfriend. Yeah, you're not.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Okay, I know-
i know that Mike

brings out the worst in me.

You have to admit, it
was, like, really cool

when you knocked him down. Fucker.

I have to tell you something.

About the live read.

I know already. I saw.

It was posted on the forum.

Congrats. I told you it was good.

- Did they write
you? -Mm-hmm, yeah.

They said something
about the number of slots.

Politics again.

Politics.

I'm really glad that you
transcended all of that.

Yeah.

Welcome to comic con. What
name is your reservation under?

How do you know we're
here for comic con?

Emily bronte.

All right, miss bronte,

I have you down for a single king?

Oh, can we get two beds?

Unfortunately, we're at capacity.

That's okay. We'll sleep together.

Swanky. It's big.

Come here. Try this out!

I don't wanna mess up my costume.

Did you talk to them yet?

No, do I need to?

You're reading tomorrow. If it were
me, I would be checking up on like

the order of the lineup
and how much time I have,

and how I'm gonna be taped and shit.
Taped? Why would they tape it?

I don't want to be on tape. That's
normal, okay? You need to relax.

You're so fucking nuts. Jesus.

What's with you? You look like how I
look when I'm trying to avoid someone.

Okay, so we have the
opening night party tonight.

And then tomorrow we have
writer evals 'til five,

then the slash mixer,
and then the live read.

Hello! Person talking to you I.R.L.

Sorry. Um- i have
to go to the bathroom.

You're just going to gawk
at your phone somewhere

where I can't give you shit about it.

- Fine, I'll leave it.
- No, don't do it for me, dude.

I'm just trying to bust you out

of your self-induced
social media prison.

You've really opened my eyes.

Throw off the shackles! Throw 'em off!

Wizards man.
Wand-on-wand action.

That's what the readers want.
It's casting a spell on my wand,

- I'll tell you that. -Yeah. But that
Harry-Draco genre, that's getting old.

Now what I'm into is
that Snape-Dumbledore fic.

Wow, that is literally old. I didn't
realize you were into octogenarians?

Yeah, well, uh, vanguard
is no spring chicken. Easy.

Well, usually.

Hey.

Oh, did you read that story I sent
you, "panty raid at Slytherin"?

Oh, yeah, dude. I called
my mom. I read it out loud.

Finally. Come on. We
got business to conduct.

I think I'd rather go look at comics.

Neil, this is toho.

What are you drinking? I dunno. Toho?

Uh, hmmm... is blue.

It's blue. Works for me.

That is a sick vanguard costume

you've got there, bro.

Is that from "kragon's war?"

Anyways, so- my
name is hagoff Paul

and this is a little greeting.

Is that? Is that LSD?

For the party tonight, playboy.

It's Molly. Mdma?

- No, no.
- It looks like acid. It's ecstasy.

Have you ever done that before?

No, but I want to.

That stuff stays in your system forever.

Have you ever heard
of an acid flashback?

Look, I don't want to wake up in a year

and stab my parents to death
with a kitchen knife, okay?

Well, that makes one of us. What
if it ruins the whole weekend?

What if we miss the live reading

because we're in the hospital
getting our stomach's pumped?

We are going to a party

with all sorts of lights
and costumes, okay?

- Do you normally go to parties, Neil?
- No.

- Do you like to mingle?
- No.

- Open your mouth, playboy.
- No... Julia.

There we go.

Oh, whatever you do, don't swallow.

What will happen if I swallow it?

I'm hallucinating!

It's not acid!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold her
there. Off, off, off, off.

- I'm sick.
- Okay.

I'm so stoned.

Stoned on acid.

I mean,
Molly-

this must be like every day for Madonna.

Here. Drink some water. Oh, okay.

Oh.

You're safe now. You're
in a totally safe place.

What?

I don't know if I've uh...

Ever been attracted
to anyone before you.

You mean any girl.

Any human being.

What are you attracted to about me?

I'm not ashamed of myself with you.

Should I have done that? I don't
know if I should have done that.

Pants.

- Are you doing your homework?
- No.

"Julia tugged at his pants,

sliding them down ever so slowly. "

Okay, if you're gonna write about us,

you need to use some modifiers.

"Julia tugged at his tight pants,

sliding them off painfully slow.

Savoring the moment the heightened

pleasure involved. "

I'm glad you decided to branch out.

You're a tough one to figure out.

No, I'm not.

Hi, you've reached Julia's voicemail.

I probably don't want to talk to you.

Hi, you've reached Julia's
voicemail. I probably-

the alliteration is good,
but you use it way too much.

Yeah, it's sort of my crutch.

And the allegory is
a bit on-the-nose.

Oh, I actually thought it was more
of a metaphor than an allegory.

Uh, do you know what an allegory is?

Look, you're okay.
Uh, and you're female.

We need more women in our field.

Most of them are
pretty ugly. Unlike you.

You can have a career. Writing
is more than just writing.

There are other factors.

Dude, I want to show you something.

It's a- it's
a Tijuana Bible.

It's quite the important artifact.

Mexicans are far more
sexually liberated.

What's with the look?

You just left this morning.

Yeah, I was getting a critique.

I mean, that's why we're
here. To meet the pros.

I'm sorry. Hey. I have
to go meet someone.

Who? Denis?

Sorry, I looked through your phone.

I didn't think that you would care.

Hey- don't!
Don't do that.

- What's your deal?
- Nothing.

Don't get all weird on me
just because we messed around.

Why did you rip up our pages?
I don't know. We were zonked.

We wrote some crazy shit, okay?

I didn't want it just floating around.

So last night was just the drugs?

You have been hiding
this denis guy from me.

I didn't even think
that you were straight.

Can you hear me now? How about now?

I'll check my bars.

That's better.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is age restricted.

Hi. Oh, my god, Neil.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I uh- I didn't expect
you to look uh, so young.

- Uh, do you wanna see my ID?
- No, no, no, no.

No, I'm sorry, believe
me, i looked young

when I was your age,
too. Uh, when I was 18.

- You still look young.
- Oh, well, thank you.

Oh, my god, it's just so
great to uh, finally meet you,

in the flesh, so to speak, um...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Oh, yes, of course. Shall we?
- Yeah.

You're staring. Virgins stare.

- They do?
- Yeah, well, con virgins.

Yeah, it's just so weird
now that it's all in 3-d.

Yeah, I know. Internet rule 34.

If it exists there's porn of it.

Just when you think you've seen it all.

I just discovered what a curtain fic is.

- Curtain
fic? -Mm-hmm.

I mean, okay, so, this
is aimed at older gays.

Of course they're like post-sex,
proto-nesting, domestic fetishists.

And so normally where you'd
have like kirk and Spock,

you know, making love,

uh, in this case, it's couples having
these like lavish shopping sprees

at pottery barn. For curtains.

They sell curtains at pottery barn?

They sell everything at pottery barn.

I mean, you know, it's
mostly harmless I guess,

but not all of it is...

And you really need to
watch out for creeps,

especially at your age.

- But you're not a creep.
- No, I'm not a creep,

but isn't that exactly
what a creep would say?

Oh, I thought you came alone.

Oh, Jesus, speaking of creepy.

I came with a friend.

Oh, and does he write slash?

She. And yeah.

You know, actually, i think
she's in regular writing today.

Oh, regular writing.

- Denis.
- Oh, Ronnie, hey, um, this is Neil.

- He's one of our new writers.
- Oh, yeah, I bet.

Ronnie harwood. I'm senior
writer at the rabbit's hole.

So some of the inner
circle are gonna go out

for an early dinner before the
reading. -Are you game? -Yeah.

You can bring your new little friend.

Everybody agrees that
Batman blowing Robin

and Robin blowing Batman
is totally played out,

but now I'm seeing
Christian bale's Batman

blowing Ben affleck as
Batman. Blowing val kilmer.

Oh, that's really hot.

I got a cease and desist
from Warner's last week,

so obviously I'm doing something right.

Yeah, you're moving up in the world.

What kind of slash do you write?

You've been to our website,
it's easy enough to find.

Right. I'm guessing
this is your first con,

since you're what, he's
18? -Mm-hmm. -Yeah, 18.

Hmm.

I was editing the r. P.F. Board today.

I'll never get all the bieber fic.

Neil, are you into Justin bieber?

What's r. P.F.?

R.P.F. Is real people
fiction or celebrity slash.

Slash about, you know, celebs.

Oh, oh, like the bronte sisters.
They wrote stories about Napoleon

and the Duke of Wellington. Yeah,
I mean, it's pretty old school,

but now it's mostly just like
pointless boy band orgies.

Yeah, and juvenile regressives
are popping up all over.

Speaking of... How long
have you slashed vanguard?

Oh, vanguard is juvenile,
but trek and tolkien, that's-

it's all about audience
and intent, denis.

This is first year stuff.

Vanguard doesn't play to
the 40-plus crowd, our base.

Besides, it's not our mission
to indoctrinate children.

It's not our mission
to indoctrinate anyone.

I read tolkien when I was eight.

Yes, and denis loves his vanguard.

Ronnie prefers her masturbation material

to stem from bad '60s television.

You ever see "the Brady bunch," dude?

Really, Freddie? He's a child.

Mainstream success has no
bearing on our field. Never has.

What we do know is juvenile fiction

begets juvenile erotica.

Let me be frank. You write
sex like a 12-year-old

and I think you know it. It's like
you found all these provocative words

and just tossed them into a text
editor. Have you ever even had sex?

I doubt half our writers have had
sex. -Let me see your ID. -Ronnie.

Well, I don't know about you, denis,
but I don't want to go to jail.

Nobody's going to jail. Jesus!

Neil, come on. It's fine. Sit down.

Yeah, it's fine if he ponies up an ID.

I remember now.

You wrote all that really
gross Mike and Greg Brady fic.

What's your point? I thought
you liked sex with 12-year-olds.

If it's written maturely.

Nice.

Are you really 18?

Neil, Neil, come on, stop.
Stop, stop, stop. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Look, Ronnie, I mean, you know,
she's like that with everybody.

It's not you.

Oh, um.

Let's go someplace else.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.

It just- this
doesn't feel right.

Why?

Look, I'm not gonna be mad,
I'm not be upset or anything.

I need you to tell me how old you are.

- I already told you.
- I know, I know.

Tell me again.

-15.
-15? Oh, fuck!

I'll be 16 in November.

- Please don't reject me.
- Dude, this is wrong.

I know it is.

This is just the second time today.

- I could go to jail.
- I won't tell anyone.

Did you just tell me you were 18 so
you could get into the live reading?

- No!
- What do you even want from me?

I just thought it'd be different.

Here with you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You actually remind me a lot of myself.

- You turned out okay.
- Did I?

I shot off a series of insane messages

to somebody I didn't know
the first thing about.

I said things I would never
say to somebody face to face.

Ever. You know, outside of like cons,

I have practically zero social skills.

My mother always said it's
going to get me in trouble,

and now here I am. And yes,
incidentally, i live with my mother,

in the house where I
grew up, in saginaw.

So, you know, don't be
too sure about things.

You live with your mom?

Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop.

You said this was the second time.

It it someone in our group?

Was it that girl you came here with?

Yeah, well. I thought
you might be straight.

- I might not be.
- Well, this isn't the way to find out.

You have time. You're
writing. Focus on that.

How can I focus on something
I'm not even old enough to do?

Well, what do you want to do?

You want to be a writer? A
real writer, not fan fic?

You're good.

Keep writing and let
the rest of the stuff

sort itself out naturally.

I wish somebody had told
me that when I was your age.

Well, you better go. It's about time.

I don't know what the
right thing to do here is.

I wanna make sure you're okay.

Well, I know you have to go.

I am the moderator.

I mean, you don't have
to worry, I'm not coming.

I can't, not now.

Not right now. I wish
it wasn't this way.

You know, for what it's worth,

I think you want to be queer.

Why would anyone want that?

To fit in,

even some place small.

I'll see you around.

You came back?

The live read's about to start.

You should be there.

I came back for you.

You don't get it.

You submitted once and they're like,

"hey, come read it on stage. "

I have like 500 things posted up there.

I know. I've read every one of them.

It's hard caring about someone.

Letting them care about you.

It doesn't have to be hard.

I love you.

I kissed him.

That denis guy?

I'm not going to the live read.

- You have to.
- I can't.

Neil, please, for both of us.

Fuck those crusty old assholes.

I followed you into the restaurant

when you weren't answering my calls.

I'm sorry that lady is such an asshole.

Look, they only win if you let them.

You are a featured fucking story, dude.

You made it!

We're doing this. You and me together.

I am your goddamn coach.

Okay?

As they entered the nexiverse,

Gandalf, his penis now
longer than his staff,

tuned- turned
to Dumbledore,

"Dumbledore," he said to Dumbledore,

"only the energy of our mutual orgasm,

combined with unbroken eye contact

can close the door to the nexiverse,

thus stopping the combined
armies of Sauron and Voldemort.

Without a moment's thought,
Dumbledore selflessly

gave of his own manhood,

placing the head of his pounding penis

against that of the wise old
wizard from alt middle earth,

like in ghostbusters.

- End of chapter seven.

Okay, that was gan-dum 69

with "hole pluggers of the nexiverse. "

And who doesn't like some good
old-fashioned wizard-on-wizard action?

One more time for her, gan-dum 69.

Um...

So-uh, I think everybody
knows my feelings

about what we do and
the purpose it serves.

Often we're treated like freaks.

Especially those of us
who are a little bit older.

- And uh, still doing this.

Um... and when we're away
from this little community

that we've created for ourselves,

you know, we're outsiders,
and we're weirdoes,

and we're sexual deviants,

but not here.

Our next reader is a young man

that I have been following
with much interest.

And not just because he writes vanguard.

Please welcome to the stage, Van fan 42.

Um, this is called...

"Shore leave on dreenan four. "

"The balmy tropic weather patterns

of dreenan four gave cause
for the indigenous proxans

to wear very little
in the way of attire.

This year with the elliptical
orbit pulling them closer

than ever to dreenan prime,

clothing was more a
hardship than an option.

Vanguard found himself unarmored

on the beaches of the zaraug

during what seemed to be
a religious mating ritual.

'Do you happen to know
where they keep the towels?'

a lean, naked proxon inquired.

His supple manhood stood proud

against the harsh
light of dreenan prime.

The proxon boy repeated himself,

'well, do you?'

vanguard's hand now
pumped his stone cock. "

He's 15.

You're outsiders.

You were supposed to
support other outsiders.

I mean, you guys write
ninja turtle bondage porn

and you're judging?

He just poured out
his sad, pathetic heart

to you philistines!

And I think it's beautiful.

Let him read. No.

I may be 15,

but you're an asshole.

I'll be 16 in a few months.

All right, everybody, that is my fault.

I'm the one who broke the
rules. Don't blame him.

So you're not- mad
at me anymore, right?

I'd only be mad if you stopped
writing because of this.

Me? No. I've got my body armor on.

Hey, I love you, too.

Well, duh.

I gotta tell you something.

I think I may be a lesbian.

The way I figure it...

If I'm lesbian and you're gay,
then we can be a gay couple,

and it sort of cancels each other out.

Cause I'm more mannish
and you're like a girl.

Wait, what... I'm like a girl?

I'm sorry, Neil. I'm
sorry I said you were gay.

I don't know why I said that.
I don't care what you are.

That's the only thing
that I don't care about.

I told them you were 16.

What?

I'm the reason you didn't
get into the live read.

It was my fault.

It was down to you and me,

and I told them that I was 18,

and you were 16.

That editor, Ronnie, loves your writing.

It's not about that. It never was,

so you have to keep writing.

I thought you didn't
care about the reading.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

I really do love you.

It's not so crazy they
believed you were 18.

You do look older now.

Jesus! Mom knows you stayed with her.

What? -Mom's
around? -Mm-hmm.

- How bad is it?
- It's bad.

Dad took a bullet for you.
That girl's mom called.

Did you guys steal her credit card?

I hope you lost your
cherry, neily bopper.

'Cause from the sound of it,

you might not be seeing
much of her for a while.

Let me see that. What,
do you think I'm too dumb?

Don't worry, man, she'll come around.

Seasons end,

even on milliarcha v,
where nuclear winter

was slowly giving way to bright spring.

Vanguard felt it. And he knew
his own season was now at a close.

Be it burial in the
cold vacuum of space,

or a quaint domestic cabin
on the frontier's rim,

everyone retires.

Things, people... Come
into your life suddenly,

and then are just as suddenly gone.

But their season shapes you.

Makes you dare things you
hadn't previously even dreamt.

And for that, and for my
friend, this author is happy.

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