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1
00:00:02,769 --> 00:00:06,639
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
WARNER BROS., INC.
2
00:00:06,639 --> 00:00:09,141
THESE HEADPHONES
ARE SOUNDING LOUSY.
3
00:00:09,141 --> 00:00:10,643
OK.
4
00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:13,646
OK, YOU GOT IT.
YOU GOT IT.
5
00:00:13,646 --> 00:00:15,648
WE'RE ALL SET
UP HERE.
6
00:00:15,648 --> 00:00:17,650
I DON'T HAVE
THE CHARTS.
7
00:00:17,650 --> 00:00:19,651
THEY DON'T HAVE
THEME MUSIC.
8
00:00:19,652 --> 00:00:22,655
MY NEPHEW HAD A SET
OF THOSE BOOTS,
9
00:00:22,655 --> 00:00:24,657
SCREWED UP HIS BACK.
10
00:00:24,657 --> 00:00:26,659
YOU GOT THE RING?
11
00:00:26,659 --> 00:00:28,160
YEAH. RIGHT HERE.
12
00:00:28,161 --> 00:00:29,162
CARDS?
13
00:00:29,162 --> 00:00:30,663
FACE DOWN.
14
00:00:30,663 --> 00:00:31,664
CUPCAKE?
15
00:00:31,664 --> 00:00:32,665
WHAT?
16
00:00:32,665 --> 00:00:34,166
ON YOUR LIST!
17
00:00:34,166 --> 00:00:35,668
NOT MY LIST!
18
00:00:35,668 --> 00:00:38,671
I DON'T CARE
WHOSE FAULT IT IS.
19
00:00:38,671 --> 00:00:40,673
WE NEED A CUPCAKE.
20
00:00:40,673 --> 00:00:42,675
WHY SHOULD I
HAVE ONE?
21
00:00:42,675 --> 00:00:45,178
WE NEED IT
IN 20 SECONDS.
22
00:00:45,178 --> 00:00:47,178
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
CHOCOLATE?
23
00:00:47,179 --> 00:00:49,682
I GOT A BAGEL.
IT'S DINNER.
24
00:00:49,682 --> 00:00:52,185
WHERE ARE THEY
GOING TO STAND?
25
00:00:52,185 --> 00:00:53,686
THEY'RE NOT STANDING.
26
00:00:53,686 --> 00:00:56,689
IF THEY'RE GOING TO
LOOK LIKE THEY'RE STANDING,
27
00:00:56,689 --> 00:01:01,694
I CAN'T BE ON THE BIG ONE
AND HOLD THE LITTLE ONE.
28
00:01:01,694 --> 00:01:03,696
REMEMBER, HEAD UP,
SHOULDERS DOWN.
29
00:01:03,696 --> 00:01:05,698
NO, HEAD DOWN,
SHOULDERS UP.
30
00:01:05,698 --> 00:01:06,699
WHATEVER.
31
00:01:06,699 --> 00:01:09,201
THE LESS
WE LOOK LIKE FROGS,
32
00:01:09,201 --> 00:01:11,202
THE BETTER
FOR OUR CAREER.
33
00:01:11,203 --> 00:01:13,205
I GOT A BAGEL!
34
00:01:13,205 --> 00:01:15,207
AT LEAST
IT'S ALLITERATIVE.
35
00:01:15,207 --> 00:01:17,210
60 SECONDS.
TRY IT AGAIN.
36
00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:19,211
1, 2, 3, 4.
37
00:01:19,211 --> 00:01:21,214
♪ DONNY'S IS IN THE BASEMENT
MIXIN' UP THE MEDICINE ♪
38
00:01:21,214 --> 00:01:23,215
♪ I'M ON THE PAVEMENT,
I'M THINKING ABOUT
THE GOVERNMENT ♪♪
39
00:01:23,215 --> 00:01:25,718
THAT'S A GO.
GET IN PLACE.
40
00:01:25,718 --> 00:01:28,221
YOU'RE NOT
TAPING UP THE WIRE?
41
00:01:28,221 --> 00:01:29,722
THERE'S NO TIME.
42
00:01:29,722 --> 00:01:31,723
GET THE HELL
UP THERE!
43
00:01:31,724 --> 00:01:34,226
YOU WANT MY HEAD
TO EXPLODE.
44
00:01:34,226 --> 00:01:35,728
TAPE THE WIRE!
45
00:01:35,728 --> 00:01:37,729
IS THE COAT OK?
46
00:01:37,730 --> 00:01:39,231
30 SECONDS!
47
00:01:39,231 --> 00:01:40,732
TAPE THE WIRE!
48
00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:43,235
IT'S DONE!
GET UP THERE, MORON!
49
00:01:43,235 --> 00:01:44,737
I'M GOING UP.
50
00:01:44,737 --> 00:01:46,738
THAT'S STICKING
STRAIGHT UP.
51
00:01:46,739 --> 00:01:49,242
THANK YOU.
MAKE SURE TELLER'S OK.
52
00:01:49,242 --> 00:01:50,743
OK. TELLER.
53
00:01:50,743 --> 00:01:52,244
OH, I'M SORRY.
54
00:01:52,244 --> 00:01:55,248
WHAT? AND GET OUT
OF SHOW BUSINESS?
55
00:01:55,248 --> 00:01:56,749
15 SECONDS.
56
00:01:56,749 --> 00:01:59,252
WHERE'S THE CUP?
BILLY? BILLY? CUP.
57
00:01:59,252 --> 00:02:00,753
10 SECONDS.
58
00:02:00,753 --> 00:02:02,755
CUE CARDS!
HOLD THEM STILL!
59
00:02:02,755 --> 00:02:04,256
7, 6...
60
00:02:20,072 --> 00:02:22,775
OK, WEEKEND LIVE
IS BACK!
61
00:02:22,775 --> 00:02:26,279
YOU'RE HEARING
A BIT OF LAUGHTER IN THE STUDIO
62
00:02:26,279 --> 00:02:30,849
BECAUSE MY NEXT GUESTS
ARE COMEDIANS PENN & TELLER.
63
00:02:30,849 --> 00:02:32,284
GOOD EVENING.
64
00:02:32,284 --> 00:02:34,286
MY NAME
IS PENN JILLETTE.
65
00:02:34,286 --> 00:02:36,289
THIS IS
MY PARTNER TELLER.
66
00:02:36,289 --> 00:02:39,291
WE THINK BEING FUNNY
IS NOT ENOUGH.
67
00:02:39,292 --> 00:02:41,293
ENTERTAINERS
SHOULD TRY TO HAVE
68
00:02:41,293 --> 00:02:42,795
SOME REAL SKILLS.
69
00:02:42,795 --> 00:02:44,797
OUR REAL SKILL
IS MAGIC.
70
00:02:44,797 --> 00:02:48,301
WE WILL PERFORM
THE BEST MAGIC
YOU'VE EVER SEEN,
71
00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:50,302
SO AMAZING
YOU MAY THINK
72
00:02:50,302 --> 00:02:52,805
IT'S SOME HIGH-TECH
ELECTRONIC TRICK.
73
00:02:52,805 --> 00:02:55,408
TO PROVE TO YOU
THAT YOU AT HOME
74
00:02:55,408 --> 00:02:57,911
WILL SEE EXACTLY
WHAT THE AUDIENCE
75
00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,413
HERE IN THE STUDIO
IS SEEING,
76
00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:03,917
I'LL BE ASKING
THE STUDIO AUDIENCE,
"ARE WE LIVE?"
77
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,418
IF THERE ARE
NO CAMERA EDITS,
78
00:03:06,418 --> 00:03:08,921
BLUE SCREEN,
OR SPECIAL VIDEO EFFECTS,
79
00:03:08,921 --> 00:03:11,923
I'LL ASK THE AUDIENCE
TO ANSWER, "YEAH!"
80
00:03:11,924 --> 00:03:13,425
LET'S TRY IT.
81
00:03:13,425 --> 00:03:15,428
EVERYTHING YOU'RE SEEING
IS LIVE.
82
00:03:15,428 --> 00:03:16,929
ARE WE LIVE?
83
00:03:16,929 --> 00:03:18,597
YEAH!
84
00:03:16,929 --> 00:03:18,597
YEAH!
85
00:03:18,597 --> 00:03:21,600
MY PARTNER TELLER,
IN HIS SPARE TIME,
86
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:24,103
IS THE WORLD'S
GREATEST CARD MAGICIAN.
87
00:03:24,103 --> 00:03:26,105
TELLER'S AMAZING
RISING CARD.
88
00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:29,108
WOO! CAN WE SEE THAT
AGAIN, TELLER?
89
00:03:32,111 --> 00:03:35,614
AND NOW,
TELLER'S RISING CARDS.
90
00:03:40,119 --> 00:03:42,355
ARE WE LIVE?
91
00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:45,024
YEAH!
92
00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:45,024
YEAH!
93
00:03:45,024 --> 00:03:48,027
SEE IF YOU CAN SEE
STRINGS OR WIRES
94
00:03:48,027 --> 00:03:51,029
AS I PERFORM
THE AMAZING BOUNCING BAGEL.
95
00:03:51,030 --> 00:03:52,532
BOUNCES LIKE RUBBER
96
00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:55,534
AND TASTES
LIKE MOM USED TO MAKE.
97
00:03:55,534 --> 00:03:57,637
HE'S EATING IT!
LOOK!
98
00:03:57,637 --> 00:03:59,138
ARE WE LIVE?
99
00:03:59,138 --> 00:04:00,974
YEAH!
100
00:03:59,138 --> 00:04:00,974
YEAH!
101
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:09,849
AND NOW
FOR SOME SLEIGHT OF HAND.
102
00:04:09,849 --> 00:04:13,351
WOULD YOU BRING
THE CAMERA IN CLOSE FOR THIS?
103
00:04:13,352 --> 00:04:15,655
NOW YOU SEE IT...
104
00:04:18,156 --> 00:04:19,825
NOW YOU DON'T.
105
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,661
NO CAMERA EDITS.
106
00:04:21,661 --> 00:04:24,664
JUST GOOD OLD-FASHIONED
SLEIGHT OF HAND.
107
00:04:24,664 --> 00:04:26,498
ARE WE LIVE?
108
00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,734
YEAH!
109
00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,734
YEAH!
110
00:04:28,734 --> 00:04:31,804
EVERY MAGIC SHOW NEEDS
LEVITATION OF A WOMAN,
111
00:04:31,804 --> 00:04:33,806
WHICH WE, UNFORTUNATELY,
CANNOT AFFORD.
112
00:04:33,806 --> 00:04:36,808
WE DO HAVE OUR OWN BEAUTIFUL
MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT
113
00:04:36,809 --> 00:04:38,811
HEATHER HENNING.
114
00:04:38,811 --> 00:04:40,311
WATCH CLOSELY.
115
00:04:40,312 --> 00:04:42,314
YOU WON'T
BELIEVE YOUR EYES.
116
00:04:42,314 --> 00:04:44,317
HOW DOES SHE DO IT?
117
00:04:46,519 --> 00:04:49,488
HELIUM! THE DOLL
IS FULL OF HELIUM!
118
00:04:49,488 --> 00:04:52,525
THANK YOU, MS. HENNING.
WE'LL CALL YOU.
119
00:04:55,027 --> 00:04:56,763
ARE WE LIVE?
120
00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:58,897
YEAH!
121
00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:58,897
YEAH!
122
00:04:58,898 --> 00:05:01,400
AND NOW,
A CLASSIC OF MAGIC,
123
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,536
THE VANISHING
CORDLESS DRILL.
124
00:05:03,536 --> 00:05:05,038
[WHIR]
125
00:05:07,039 --> 00:05:08,707
[WHIR]
126
00:05:08,707 --> 00:05:10,709
MY NAME
IS PENN JILLETTE.
127
00:05:10,709 --> 00:05:12,711
THIS IS
MY PARTNER TELLER.
128
00:05:12,711 --> 00:05:15,715
WE ARE COMEDIANS
AND THE WORLD'S BEST MAGICIANS.
129
00:05:15,715 --> 00:05:18,116
ARE WE LIVE?
130
00:05:18,117 --> 00:05:19,719
YEAH!
131
00:05:18,117 --> 00:05:19,719
YEAH!
132
00:05:46,579 --> 00:05:48,848
EH EH EGH...
133
00:05:54,353 --> 00:05:56,389
YEAH!
134
00:06:06,598 --> 00:06:08,601
PENN & TELLER, HUH?
135
00:06:10,102 --> 00:06:12,104
THAT WAS SOMETHING.
136
00:06:12,104 --> 00:06:15,074
YOU GUYS LOOK
JUST AWFUL.
137
00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:16,609
THANK YOU, BOB,
138
00:06:16,609 --> 00:06:19,111
AND THAT'S
A REALLY UGLY TIE.
139
00:06:19,111 --> 00:06:22,315
AT LEAST IT DOESN'T
MATCH MY FACE.
140
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:26,318
YOU WERE UP THERE
A LOT LONGER THAN
PEOPLE REALIZED.
141
00:06:26,318 --> 00:06:28,320
IT MUST HAVE BEEN
UNCOMFORTABLE.
142
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:29,788
IT'S OUR JOB.
143
00:06:29,788 --> 00:06:32,291
TELLER, WERE YOU
UNCOMFORTABLE?
144
00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:37,395
IS HE OK?
145
00:06:37,396 --> 00:06:38,865
WHO CARES?
146
00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:40,366
YOU KNOW, PENN,
147
00:06:40,366 --> 00:06:43,335
I WON'T EVEN ASK YOU
ABOUT THE HAIR,
148
00:06:43,335 --> 00:06:45,837
BUT WHAT'S WITH
THE RED FINGERNAIL?
149
00:06:45,838 --> 00:06:49,541
I SHOT A MAN FOR ASKING
PERSONAL QUESTIONS.
150
00:06:49,541 --> 00:06:53,145
SO, TELLER, WHAT'S
THE STORY WITH YOU?
151
00:06:53,145 --> 00:06:54,914
CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?
152
00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:57,282
GOOD LUCK, BOB.
153
00:06:57,282 --> 00:07:00,286
YOU GUYS ARE
ON TOP OF THE WORLD,
154
00:07:00,286 --> 00:07:01,787
PLAYING TRUMP'S
CASINO--
155
00:07:01,787 --> 00:07:04,823
IN ATLANTIC CITY
TILL JUNE 25th.
156
00:07:04,823 --> 00:07:07,092
YOU GOT
YOUR PLUG IN.
157
00:07:07,092 --> 00:07:09,594
WE'RE NOT HERE
FOR YOUR LOOKS.
158
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:11,597
WHAT IS
ALL THIS NONSENSE
159
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:13,599
ABOUT YOU EXPOSING
PSYCHIC SURGERY?
160
00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:16,168
WHAT EXACTLY
IS PSYCHIC SURGERY?
161
00:07:16,168 --> 00:07:18,136
CHEESY SLEIGHT OF HAND.
162
00:07:18,136 --> 00:07:21,140
IF YOU LOSE FAITH
IN MODERN MEDICINE,
163
00:07:21,140 --> 00:07:24,143
A NIGHTCLUB MAGICIAN
SQUIRTS SOME FAKE BLOOD
164
00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:26,744
AND YOU'RE HEALED--
UNTIL YOU DIE.
165
00:07:26,745 --> 00:07:29,749
A LOT OF PEOPLE
BELIEVE IN IT.
166
00:07:29,749 --> 00:07:32,751
BEST REASON I KNOW
TO QUESTION SOMETHING.
167
00:07:32,751 --> 00:07:34,820
YOU DON'T BELIEVE
IN ANYTHING.
168
00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:37,823
NEXT TIME WE'RE ON,
WE'LL PULL TUMORS
169
00:07:37,823 --> 00:07:40,392
OUT OF YOUR
BAND LEADER'S STOMACH.
170
00:07:40,392 --> 00:07:42,828
YOU GOT ANY
TUMORS THERE?
171
00:07:42,828 --> 00:07:45,830
IS THAT ALL RIGHT
WITH YOU, STEVE?
172
00:07:45,831 --> 00:07:47,499
IT'S YOUR SHOW.
173
00:07:47,499 --> 00:07:50,002
LET ME ASK YOU
A QUESTION.
174
00:07:50,002 --> 00:07:51,971
DO YOU HAVE A LIFE?
175
00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,507
DO YOU ONLY DO
CREEPY STUFF?
176
00:07:54,507 --> 00:07:56,241
WHAT ABOUT FUN?
177
00:07:56,241 --> 00:07:59,245
WE DON'T HAVE FUN.
WE JUST WORK.
178
00:07:59,245 --> 00:08:00,746
HERE'S OUR FUN.
179
00:08:00,746 --> 00:08:04,248
THAT'S AWFUL.
WE'VE GOT TO
FIND YOU A HOBBY.
180
00:08:04,249 --> 00:08:06,251
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'D LIKE?
181
00:08:06,251 --> 00:08:09,554
I WISH SOMEONE
WERE TRYING TO KILL ME.
182
00:08:09,555 --> 00:08:11,123
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
183
00:08:11,123 --> 00:08:14,126
IT WOULD GIVE YOU
FOCUS TO YOUR LIFE,
184
00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:16,628
EXCITEMENT, JAMES BOND
SECRET AGENT STUFF.
185
00:08:16,628 --> 00:08:19,131
"I'D LOVE TO SEE
THAT FILM,
186
00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:21,566
"BUT PEOPLE ARE
TRYING TO KILL ME.
187
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:23,802
"THAT WINDOW
OVER THE SINK,
188
00:08:23,802 --> 00:08:25,638
THERE MIGHT
BE SNIPERS."
189
00:08:25,638 --> 00:08:28,140
YOU WOULDN'T SWEAT
THE SMALL STUFF.
190
00:08:28,140 --> 00:08:31,277
I WISH SOMEONE
WERE TRYING TO KILL ME.
191
00:08:33,712 --> 00:08:34,746
OH!
192
00:08:39,083 --> 00:08:42,087
WE'RE GOING TO BREAK
FOR A COMMERCIAL NOW,
193
00:08:42,087 --> 00:08:44,522
BUT LET THEM KNOW
YOU'RE OK.
194
00:08:44,523 --> 00:08:47,526
DON'T FORGET,
WE'LL BE AT ONE OF TRUMP'S
195
00:08:47,526 --> 00:08:49,527
MANY CASINOS
IN ATLANTIC CITY
196
00:08:49,528 --> 00:08:52,765
FOR THREE WEEKS
STARTING THIS FRIDAY.
197
00:08:52,765 --> 00:08:54,233
THANKS, BOB.
198
00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:57,069
THANKS A LOT, GUYS.
PENN & TELLER.
199
00:09:01,406 --> 00:09:03,409
I AIN'T
LIFTING THAT.
200
00:09:03,409 --> 00:09:04,910
IT'S EMPTY.
201
00:09:04,910 --> 00:09:07,680
WE'RE GOING TO PUT HIM IN IT.
202
00:09:11,850 --> 00:09:14,987
MAY I TALK TO YOU
ABOUT MY RELIGION?
203
00:09:14,987 --> 00:09:16,988
INTERESTING YOU SHOULD
MENTION THAT.
204
00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:18,991
WE HAVE
A RELIGION, TOO.
205
00:09:18,991 --> 00:09:22,995
HOW LONG
WILL IT TAKE YOU
TO TALK ABOUT JESUS?
206
00:09:22,995 --> 00:09:24,597
ABOUT 10 MINUTES.
207
00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:27,598
MY PARTNER TELLER
WILL DEMONSTRATE
HIS RELIGION
208
00:09:27,599 --> 00:09:30,368
WITH A FEW
CARD TRICKS.
209
00:09:30,368 --> 00:09:33,705
DOES HIS RELIGION
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH JESUS?
210
00:09:33,705 --> 00:09:36,708
YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT
TILL THE END
211
00:09:36,708 --> 00:09:38,209
AND FIND OUT.
212
00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:40,212
SORRY.
I DON'T HAVE TIME.
213
00:09:40,212 --> 00:09:42,247
WAIT!
YOU SAID TELLER?
214
00:09:42,247 --> 00:09:43,949
IS THAT RIGHT?
215
00:09:43,949 --> 00:09:46,385
AS IN PENN & TELLER?
216
00:09:46,385 --> 00:09:48,553
YOU HAVE THE HAIR
AND FINGERNAIL.
217
00:09:48,553 --> 00:09:50,121
YOU'RE PENN, RIGHT?
218
00:09:50,121 --> 00:09:51,357
YES.
219
00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:55,327
BANG! BANG!
220
00:09:55,327 --> 00:09:56,828
PRETTY EXCITING, HUH?
221
00:09:56,828 --> 00:10:00,299
DOES THAT MAKE
YOUR EMPTY, GODLESS LIFE
222
00:10:00,299 --> 00:10:02,034
MORE WORTH LIVING?
223
00:10:03,035 --> 00:10:05,469
CARLOTTA,
WHAT ARE THE EXACT
DEMOGRAPHICS
224
00:10:05,470 --> 00:10:07,406
OF WEEKEND LIVE?
225
00:10:11,143 --> 00:10:13,145
THE FLIGHT'S NOT
AT 12:50!
226
00:10:13,145 --> 00:10:14,646
IT'S 12:15!
227
00:10:14,646 --> 00:10:17,149
WE CAN MAKE IT!
LET'S GO!
228
00:10:17,149 --> 00:10:19,251
COME ON, TELLER! GO!
229
00:10:19,251 --> 00:10:20,752
WHERE IS IT?
230
00:10:20,753 --> 00:10:22,321
GATE 12-H.
231
00:10:22,321 --> 00:10:25,891
THAT'S THE OTHER END
OF THE TERMINAL!
232
00:10:25,891 --> 00:10:28,394
LET'S GO THROUGH HERE!
COME ON!
233
00:10:28,394 --> 00:10:30,896
WE CAN MAKE IT!
COME ON!
234
00:10:32,664 --> 00:10:34,665
LET'S GO! LET'S GO!
235
00:10:34,666 --> 00:10:36,168
COME ON.
236
00:10:38,670 --> 00:10:40,171
GO. GO.
237
00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:41,674
YOU OK, TELLER?
238
00:10:47,379 --> 00:10:48,380
TICKETS?
239
00:10:48,380 --> 00:10:49,882
SHE HAS THEM.
240
00:10:49,882 --> 00:10:52,885
TAKE IT EASY, PENN.
WE GOT TWO MINUTES.
241
00:10:52,885 --> 00:10:54,887
JUST GET
THE CARRY-ON STUFF.
242
00:10:56,689 --> 00:10:57,689
[BUZZ]
243
00:10:57,689 --> 00:10:58,690
SIR.
244
00:10:58,691 --> 00:11:00,192
THAT'S ME?
245
00:11:00,192 --> 00:11:01,961
THAT'S YOU.
246
00:11:06,865 --> 00:11:08,634
KEYS? CARLOTTA
CARRIES THE KEYS.
247
00:11:08,634 --> 00:11:11,870
MY KNIFE?
I KEEP IT BACKSTAGE.
248
00:11:11,870 --> 00:11:13,071
[BUZZ]
249
00:11:13,071 --> 00:11:14,607
WHAT THE HELL?
250
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:17,443
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH
YOUR FASCIST MACHINE!
251
00:11:19,411 --> 00:11:20,411
[BUZZ]
252
00:11:20,412 --> 00:11:22,047
MAYBE YOUR BOOTS.
253
00:11:22,047 --> 00:11:25,051
THEY NEVER
SET IT OFF BEFORE.
254
00:11:26,818 --> 00:11:28,554
MY BELT?
255
00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:36,729
[BUZZ]
256
00:11:36,729 --> 00:11:39,631
THE MACHINE
IS SHORTING OUT!
257
00:11:39,631 --> 00:11:41,600
IT'S OUT
OF ITS MIND!
258
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,035
UNPLUG IT!
259
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:45,036
YOU'RE HOLDING UP
THE PLANE.
260
00:11:45,036 --> 00:11:47,305
HAVE A PLATE
IN YOUR HEAD?
261
00:11:47,305 --> 00:11:49,208
NO!
WANT ONE IN YOURS?
262
00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:51,043
JOKE.
263
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:55,748
DO YOU HAVE
A METAL BUCKLE
ON YOUR VEST?
264
00:11:55,748 --> 00:11:59,652
HOW DO THEY
ALWAYS FIND ME?
265
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:02,920
[BUZZ]
266
00:12:02,921 --> 00:12:04,356
I HATE THAT!
267
00:12:04,356 --> 00:12:05,924
YOUR MACHINE'S
HAYWIRE.
268
00:12:05,924 --> 00:12:08,560
WE GOT A PLANE
TO CATCH.
269
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:09,962
AH!
270
00:12:11,096 --> 00:12:12,597
YOU TRY IT.
271
00:12:12,597 --> 00:12:14,632
WATCH! WATCH!
272
00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:17,635
HE'S WEARING
THE SAME CLOTHES
AS I AM!
273
00:12:17,635 --> 00:12:19,972
IT'S THE SAME
OUTFIT!
274
00:12:19,972 --> 00:12:21,973
WE MATCH!
WE'RE LIKE TWINS!
275
00:12:21,974 --> 00:12:24,877
IS MY SHIRT METAL?
TAKE THE SHIRT!
276
00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:25,877
[BUZZ]
277
00:12:25,877 --> 00:12:26,878
AAH!
278
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:27,879
HERE!
279
00:12:27,879 --> 00:12:29,381
TAKE MY UNDERWEAR!
280
00:12:29,381 --> 00:12:31,951
I WILL GO
TO PHILADELPHIA NAKED!
281
00:12:31,951 --> 00:12:33,452
HA HA HA!
282
00:12:33,452 --> 00:12:35,955
DID HE TAKE
HIS SHIRT OFF?
283
00:12:42,294 --> 00:12:43,795
PENN!
284
00:12:58,310 --> 00:13:01,311
WERE YOU DROPPING STUFF
IN MY POCKET
285
00:13:01,312 --> 00:13:03,315
AND THEN
PULLING IT OUT
286
00:13:03,315 --> 00:13:06,318
WHILE I WAS YELLING
AT THE GUARD?
287
00:13:06,318 --> 00:13:08,319
I DIDN'T NOTICE
288
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:11,323
BECAUSE I WAS YELLING
AT AN INNOCENT WOMAN.
289
00:13:11,323 --> 00:13:13,324
HA HA HA!
THAT'S GREAT.
290
00:13:13,325 --> 00:13:15,326
WHEN IS THE FLIGHT?
291
00:13:15,326 --> 00:13:17,329
YOU HAVE
HALF AN HOUR.
292
00:13:17,329 --> 00:13:19,330
WE GOT YOU
SOME TEA.
293
00:13:21,333 --> 00:13:24,837
I'M GOING TO
PUT MY TIE ON,
STRAIGHTEN UP,
294
00:13:24,837 --> 00:13:26,838
AND APOLOGIZE
TO THE GUARD.
295
00:13:26,838 --> 00:13:28,839
SHOULD I TIP HER?
296
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,843
I DON'T KNOW.
297
00:13:30,843 --> 00:13:33,844
CARLOTTA,
I WAS YELLING
RIGHT IN HER FACE.
298
00:13:33,845 --> 00:13:35,346
I'LL, UH...
299
00:13:35,346 --> 00:13:37,349
I'LL BUY HER
A MAGAZINE
300
00:13:37,349 --> 00:13:39,351
AT THE GIFT SHOP.
301
00:13:39,351 --> 00:13:41,353
HA HA!
THAT'S GREAT.
302
00:13:41,353 --> 00:13:43,354
NO HARD FEELINGS.
303
00:13:43,355 --> 00:13:44,857
HA HA HA!
304
00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:46,858
I WISH
I COULD HAVE
305
00:13:46,858 --> 00:13:48,861
STAYED
TO SEE IT.
306
00:13:51,663 --> 00:13:55,167
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THIS IS YOUR FINAL BOARDING CALL
307
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,169
FOR FLIGHT 78
TO PHILADELPHIA.
308
00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:59,170
WE HAVE
TWO MINUTES EXACTLY.
309
00:13:59,170 --> 00:14:01,171
GET HIM
OFF THE PHONE.
310
00:14:01,172 --> 00:14:03,709
I'LL SEE YOU
ON THE PLANE.
311
00:14:07,879 --> 00:14:10,382
WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT COOKIE?
312
00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:12,250
WHO GAVE IT
TO YOU?
313
00:14:12,250 --> 00:14:14,586
TELLER?
314
00:14:14,586 --> 00:14:16,154
UH, TELLER?
315
00:14:16,154 --> 00:14:18,156
YOU KNOW THAT
THUMBCUFF ESCAPE
316
00:14:18,156 --> 00:14:20,157
THAT YOU'RE WORKING ON?
317
00:14:20,158 --> 00:14:22,160
WHEN YOU'RE
PICKING THE LOCK,
318
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,161
YOUR ELBOWS
GIVE YOU AWAY.
319
00:14:24,162 --> 00:14:27,165
LET ME SHOW YOU
WHAT I MEAN, OK?
320
00:14:27,165 --> 00:14:29,166
GIVE ME
THE OTHER THUMB.
321
00:14:29,167 --> 00:14:31,669
I'VE FILLED
THE KEYHOLES WITH GLUE.
322
00:14:31,669 --> 00:14:34,673
YOU'LL BE PREPARED
IF WE GET A PSYCHO.
323
00:14:34,673 --> 00:14:37,175
I'LL SEE YOU
ON THE PLANE.
324
00:14:37,175 --> 00:14:40,178
DON'T LET SECURITY
SEE THE FAKE GUN.
325
00:14:40,178 --> 00:14:41,680
NO HARD FEELINGS?
326
00:14:57,029 --> 00:14:59,031
THAT MAN
HAS A GUN.
327
00:14:59,031 --> 00:15:01,532
THAT MAN STANDING
RIGHT OVER THERE
328
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:03,335
HAS A GUN.
329
00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:18,717
SLOWLY RAISE
YOUR HANDS.
330
00:15:22,554 --> 00:15:24,656
SLOW.
331
00:15:26,057 --> 00:15:28,560
KEYS ARE AT
THE METAL DETECTOR,
332
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,061
BUT A STEADY HAND
WILL SAVE...
333
00:15:31,062 --> 00:15:32,064
UH.
334
00:15:47,045 --> 00:15:50,982
YOU GOT TO TAKE
THE HELICOPTER?
335
00:15:50,982 --> 00:15:54,553
I'LL PAY FOR HALF.
NO HARD FEELINGS?
336
00:15:57,089 --> 00:15:59,958
WEEKEND LIVE
IS A YOUTH-ORIENTED SHOW.
337
00:15:59,958 --> 00:16:02,461
THERE, PENN & TELLER
DO MATERIAL
338
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,096
WITH SHOCK APPEAL.
339
00:16:04,096 --> 00:16:07,232
THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT
AT YOUR DINNER THEATER.
340
00:16:07,232 --> 00:16:08,733
NO, NO, NO.
341
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:12,604
THE BAD ATTITUDE WAS
JUST FOR THAT ONE SHOW.
342
00:16:15,106 --> 00:16:17,609
THAT'S IN ADDITION
TO THE GUARANTEE.
343
00:16:17,609 --> 00:16:19,611
YOU PICK UP
THE EXPENSES.
344
00:16:19,611 --> 00:16:21,613
IF THERE'S
A FRIDGE BACKSTAGE,
345
00:16:21,613 --> 00:16:24,115
THEY LIKE COLA
AND YOO-HOOS.
346
00:16:24,115 --> 00:16:25,116
THANKS.
347
00:16:25,116 --> 00:16:28,120
BY THE WAY, HOW IS
LITTLE JOSHUA?
348
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:32,257
TELLER CAN'T WAIT
TO TEACH HIM SOME
NEW CARD TRICKS.
349
00:16:34,125 --> 00:16:35,693
YEP.
350
00:16:35,693 --> 00:16:37,629
SEE YOU NEXT MONTH.
351
00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:41,133
THE "I WISH
SOMEONE WERE TRYING
TO KILL ME" BIT
352
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:43,402
ISN'T PLAYING
IN THE MIDWEST.
353
00:17:00,151 --> 00:17:01,652
LOCK IT?
354
00:17:01,653 --> 00:17:03,155
TELLER'S GOT IT.
355
00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:30,682
MY RIGHT HAND
IS SPEEDING UP
356
00:17:30,682 --> 00:17:32,684
THE 10 DEADLY
POWER DRILLS.
357
00:17:32,684 --> 00:17:34,652
MY LEFT HAND
IS LOWERING
358
00:17:34,652 --> 00:17:37,055
THE DRILL RACK
ONTO TELLER.
359
00:17:37,055 --> 00:17:40,558
YOU WITNESSED HIM BEING
TIED TO THE TORTURE TABLE.
360
00:17:40,558 --> 00:17:42,561
NOW WITNESS
HIS SELF-LIBERATION.
361
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:44,562
LIKE THE GREAT
HARRY HOUDINI,
362
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:47,566
TELLER COULD EXPAND
THE MUSCLE OF HIS WRIST
363
00:17:47,566 --> 00:17:49,734
WHILE HE WAS
BEING TIED.
364
00:17:49,734 --> 00:17:53,004
IT'S SIMPLE TO CONTRACT
THOSE SAME MUSCLES
365
00:17:53,004 --> 00:17:55,006
AND EXTRICATE
HIS LEFT WRIST.
366
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,975
WITH THE LEFT HAND
COMPLETELY FREE,
367
00:17:57,975 --> 00:18:00,344
HE MUST UNTIE HIS ANKLES,
368
00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:03,115
WHILE AVOIDING
THE EVER-DESCENDING DRILLS
369
00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:07,619
AS I CRANK THEM NOW
TO 90% OF THEIR FULL VELOCITY.
370
00:18:07,619 --> 00:18:11,755
HE FLIPS OFF BOTH HIS SHOES,
FREEING HIS ANKLES.
371
00:18:11,756 --> 00:18:13,758
NOW THE CHEST STRAP,
372
00:18:13,758 --> 00:18:16,094
USED TO SUBDUE
THE CRIMINALLY INSANE.
373
00:18:16,094 --> 00:18:19,031
HE'S OUT OF IT
FASTER THAN I SPEAK.
374
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:21,166
ONLY HIS
RIGHT WRIST REMAINS.
375
00:18:21,166 --> 00:18:25,704
HE HAS BOTH HANDS
ELIMINATING THE ONE LAST KNOT
376
00:18:25,704 --> 00:18:29,308
THAT BINDS HIM
TO THE TABLE OF DEATH.
377
00:18:29,308 --> 00:18:36,048
5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
378
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,317
NOW, YOUR GRACIOUS,
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!
379
00:18:40,318 --> 00:18:41,487
AAH!
380
00:18:53,264 --> 00:18:54,399
UNH.
381
00:19:01,372 --> 00:19:03,275
YOU HEARD ME SAYING
382
00:19:03,275 --> 00:19:05,777
WHERE HE WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE.
383
00:19:05,777 --> 00:19:08,780
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
HE WAS STUCK?
384
00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:11,283
I WAS JUST
SUPPOSED TO COUNT.
385
00:19:14,786 --> 00:19:17,288
WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS
SAY ANYTHING?
386
00:19:17,288 --> 00:19:19,291
HOW CLOSE WAS HE?
387
00:19:19,291 --> 00:19:22,293
I DON'T THINK
HE GOT OUT
OF ANYTHING.
388
00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:25,297
WHAT KIND OF KNOTS
DID YOU TIE?
389
00:19:25,297 --> 00:19:28,299
YOU TOLD US
TO TIE HIM UP TIGHTLY.
390
00:19:28,299 --> 00:19:30,302
YEAH, I GUESS.
391
00:19:30,302 --> 00:19:33,804
WELL, IT'S KIND OF STUPID
HOLDING THESE ROPES NOW.
392
00:19:33,805 --> 00:19:35,807
WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
393
00:19:35,807 --> 00:19:37,809
THANKS A LOT.
394
00:19:39,311 --> 00:19:41,312
HE DIDN'T EVEN
LOOSEN IT.
395
00:19:41,312 --> 00:19:43,948
THANKS. OVER THERE.
396
00:19:43,949 --> 00:19:45,950
UH, YOU, TOO.
SIT DOWN.
397
00:19:45,950 --> 00:19:47,986
OH, THANK YOU.
398
00:19:47,986 --> 00:19:49,655
SORRY.
399
00:19:53,324 --> 00:19:56,828
YOU WERE THE ONE
THAT WANTED TO GET KILLED.
400
00:19:56,828 --> 00:19:58,629
SHUT UP,
YOU ASSHOLE.
401
00:19:58,630 --> 00:20:01,633
WELL, YOU WIN SOME,
YOU LOSE SOME.
402
00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:03,134
THAT'S THE SHOW.
403
00:20:03,134 --> 00:20:04,636
I'M PENN JILLETTE.
404
00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:06,638
THIS WAS MY PARTNER TELLER.
405
00:20:06,638 --> 00:20:08,040
GOOD NIGHT.
406
00:20:17,882 --> 00:20:19,885
MY PARTNER TELLER.
407
00:20:30,061 --> 00:20:32,062
WHAT DO YOU
AND TELLER
408
00:20:32,063 --> 00:20:34,065
REALLY HATE
ABOUT MAGIC?
409
00:20:34,065 --> 00:20:36,567
TELLER COULD ANSWER
BETTER THAN ME.
410
00:20:36,567 --> 00:20:38,569
I THOUGHT
TELLER WAS DEAD.
411
00:20:38,569 --> 00:20:40,072
DON'T PATRONIZE ME.
412
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:43,574
I HAVE TO GET HIM
OUT OF THE RIG.
413
00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:45,577
CAN WE COME ALONG?
414
00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:48,580
NO. ALTHOUGH WE'RE
THE BAD BOYS OF MAGIC,
415
00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:52,083
WE WOULD NEVER KNOWINGLY EXPOSE
A REAL MAGIC PRINCIPLE.
416
00:20:53,952 --> 00:20:56,955
THE LOCAL TV STATION
WANTS TO KNOW
417
00:20:56,955 --> 00:20:58,924
WHAT WE HATE
ABOUT MAGIC.
418
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:12,604
CARLOTTA WANTS
CHINESE FOOD.
419
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:14,105
IS THAT OK?
420
00:21:14,105 --> 00:21:16,107
I'LL CLEAN UP
THE TABLE.
421
00:21:16,107 --> 00:21:19,610
YOU GO SHOW TV
WHAT WE HATE ABOUT MAGIC.
422
00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:26,117
PENN SAID
YOU WOULD TELL US
423
00:21:26,117 --> 00:21:28,620
WHAT YOU TWO
HATE ABOUT MAGIC.
424
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:52,537
YOU GOING TO
PUT UP WITH THAT?
425
00:22:52,537 --> 00:22:54,539
NO! I MEAN, YEAH!
426
00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:57,875
I CAN'T CLOCK A GUY
FOR GIVING ME MONEY.
427
00:22:57,875 --> 00:22:59,444
I WOULD.
428
00:22:59,444 --> 00:23:02,447
JUST ANOTHER
EXAMPLE OF THE PIG
POWER STRUCTURE
429
00:23:02,447 --> 00:23:06,717
THROWING
WORTHLESS TRINKETS
TO THE PROLETARIAT.
430
00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:19,164
COMMIE BASTARD!
431
00:23:19,164 --> 00:23:21,900
I'LL SHOW YOU
DISTRIBUTION
OF WEALTH!
432
00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:40,719
THAT'S IT!
433
00:23:42,186 --> 00:23:44,289
THAT'S MY MONEY
YOU'RE THROWING!
434
00:23:44,289 --> 00:23:47,225
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HEY!
435
00:23:48,693 --> 00:23:50,061
HEY!
436
00:23:57,034 --> 00:23:58,770
AH, THE REVOLUTION!
437
00:23:58,770 --> 00:24:01,773
STARTING IN THE MOST
UNLIKELY OF PLACES!
438
00:24:01,773 --> 00:24:04,442
TRUMP CASINO,
ATLANTIC CITY!
439
00:24:04,442 --> 00:24:06,444
WE'VE BEEN DOWNTRODDEN
LONG ENOUGH!
440
00:24:06,444 --> 00:24:09,947
WE WILL TAKE
NO MORE MONEY FROM THE PIGS!
441
00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:12,950
A WORKING-CLASS HERO
IS SOMETHING TO BE!
442
00:24:12,950 --> 00:24:15,286
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
443
00:24:15,286 --> 00:24:17,788
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
444
00:24:17,788 --> 00:24:20,292
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
445
00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:22,827
ATTICA! ATTICA!
446
00:24:22,827 --> 00:24:25,830
IF YOU'D BEEN THERE,
YOU WOULDN'T BE MAD.
447
00:24:25,830 --> 00:24:27,299
IT WAS GREAT.
448
00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:30,301
TELLER GOT PEOPLE
THROWING MONEY
AT EACH OTHER.
449
00:24:30,301 --> 00:24:31,803
HE MADE $4.75.
450
00:24:31,803 --> 00:24:34,806
AND YOU GOT THROWN OUT
OF THE CASINO.
451
00:24:34,806 --> 00:24:36,808
IT WAS A STUPID IDEA!
452
00:24:36,808 --> 00:24:38,809
IT WAS
TELLER'S IDEA.
453
00:24:38,809 --> 00:24:40,312
TABLE FOR TWO?
454
00:24:44,816 --> 00:24:47,819
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
455
00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:04,335
WHEN PEOPLE TALK
A FOREIGN LANGUAGE,
456
00:25:04,335 --> 00:25:07,338
YOU ALWAYS THINK
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU.
457
00:25:07,338 --> 00:25:10,341
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
458
00:25:13,344 --> 00:25:15,346
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
459
00:25:15,346 --> 00:25:18,349
HE WANTED TO KNOW
IF YOU WERE
460
00:25:18,349 --> 00:25:21,351
THE BIG YANKEE
SON OF A HOOKER
461
00:25:21,352 --> 00:25:24,356
THAT ASKED PEOPLE
TO KILL HIM.
462
00:25:24,356 --> 00:25:25,857
YES, I AM.
463
00:25:25,857 --> 00:25:29,860
THE BIG YANKEE
SON OF A HOOKER
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND
464
00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:32,363
WOULD LIKE
A COUPLE OF COLAS.
465
00:25:32,363 --> 00:25:34,365
ORDER ME
SOMETHING EXOTIC
466
00:25:34,365 --> 00:25:36,634
NOT MADE FROM
A COW'S STOMACH.
467
00:25:36,634 --> 00:25:38,135
THAT WAS GREAT.
468
00:25:38,135 --> 00:25:42,673
PENN & TELLER
ARE BREAKING INTO
THE HISPANIC COMMUNITY.
469
00:25:42,673 --> 00:25:46,678
THEY RECOGNIZE YOU
AS THE CRAZY
SON OF A BITCH
470
00:25:46,678 --> 00:25:50,014
THAT ASKED PEOPLE
TO KILL HIM.
471
00:25:50,014 --> 00:25:52,883
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
472
00:26:00,591 --> 00:26:02,092
OH, VERY GOOD.
473
00:26:02,093 --> 00:26:03,361
GRACIAS.
474
00:26:03,361 --> 00:26:05,997
HOW DO YOU SAY
"SON OF A HOOKER?"
475
00:26:05,997 --> 00:26:07,898
HIJO DE PUTA.
476
00:26:07,898 --> 00:26:10,901
NOW I CAN SAY
"THANK YOU,"
477
00:26:10,902 --> 00:26:12,904
"SON OF A BITCH,"
478
00:26:12,904 --> 00:26:15,907
AND "THE DOG
IS BIG AND BLACK."
479
00:26:15,907 --> 00:26:18,810
I'M BECOMING
A WORLD CITIZEN.
480
00:26:18,810 --> 00:26:21,779
SO, WHAT'S UP
WITH YOUR UNCLE?
481
00:26:21,779 --> 00:26:23,180
HE'S REALLY SICK.
482
00:26:23,180 --> 00:26:25,082
HE HAS
AN ABDOMINAL TUMOR.
483
00:26:25,082 --> 00:26:27,285
WILL HE BE OK?
484
00:26:27,285 --> 00:26:30,288
THEY CAN CURE IT
WITH SURGERY
AND RADIATION,
485
00:26:30,288 --> 00:26:33,291
BUT HE REFUSES
TO GO INTO
THE HOSPITAL.
486
00:26:33,291 --> 00:26:36,895
HE WANTS
A PSYCHIC SURGEON
TO WORK ON HIM.
487
00:26:36,895 --> 00:26:40,131
SO HE BOUGHT THE SCAM
FROM RIPOFF MAGICIANS.
488
00:26:40,131 --> 00:26:43,034
I WANT YOU
TO CONVINCE HIM
THEY'RE FAKE.
489
00:26:43,034 --> 00:26:44,536
WHY DON'T YOU?
490
00:26:44,536 --> 00:26:45,970
HE'S YOUR UNCLE.
491
00:26:45,970 --> 00:26:47,972
GIVE HIM
ARTICLES TO READ.
492
00:26:47,972 --> 00:26:49,473
HE'S VERY WEALTHY.
493
00:26:49,473 --> 00:26:51,475
I'D HATE TO SEE HIM
494
00:26:51,475 --> 00:26:53,977
LOSE ALL HIS MONEY
TO CHARLATANS.
495
00:26:53,978 --> 00:26:55,546
I'M HIS CLOSEST
RELATIVE.
496
00:26:55,546 --> 00:26:59,551
IF WE CAN SAVE
JUST ONE HUMAN LIFE--
497
00:26:59,551 --> 00:27:02,887
ERNESTO HASN'T
MET TELLER, HAS HE?
498
00:27:02,887 --> 00:27:04,121
NO.
499
00:27:04,122 --> 00:27:05,556
GOOD.
500
00:27:05,556 --> 00:27:08,559
TELL HIM I'VE GOT
A TUMOR, TOO,
501
00:27:08,559 --> 00:27:11,062
AND THERE'S
A BETTER PSYCHIC SURGEON
502
00:27:11,062 --> 00:27:13,231
IN ATLANTIC CITY--
DR. TELLERO.
503
00:27:13,231 --> 00:27:14,232
"TAY-ER-O."
504
00:27:14,232 --> 00:27:16,134
"TAY-ER-O."
505
00:27:17,935 --> 00:27:19,570
WHAT'S THIS?
506
00:27:19,570 --> 00:27:21,572
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
507
00:27:24,275 --> 00:27:27,445
LOOKS GOOD.
508
00:27:27,445 --> 00:27:30,081
AH, OW! OW!
509
00:27:30,081 --> 00:27:32,081
OW! AH!
510
00:27:32,082 --> 00:27:33,584
OH!
511
00:27:33,584 --> 00:27:35,086
GROSS!
512
00:27:35,086 --> 00:27:36,587
OH, MY GOODNESS!
513
00:27:36,587 --> 00:27:38,589
WHOA, DOC!
WHAT A RELIEF!
514
00:27:38,589 --> 00:27:40,091
THANKS.
515
00:27:50,101 --> 00:27:52,704
SEE? ALL BETTER.
516
00:27:54,605 --> 00:27:57,542
EXACTLY WHAT KIND
OF TUMOR THAT WAS?
517
00:27:59,109 --> 00:28:01,111
UH, A VERY BAD ONE.
518
00:28:01,112 --> 00:28:05,216
HE DOESN'T SPEAK
ENGLISH OR SPANISH.
519
00:28:05,216 --> 00:28:07,886
HE ONLY SPEAKS
DE GAULLEIC.
520
00:28:12,123 --> 00:28:15,125
YOU HAVE...
521
00:28:15,125 --> 00:28:19,129
A VERY
REMARKABLE GIFT!
522
00:28:19,129 --> 00:28:20,630
NO.
523
00:28:20,631 --> 00:28:22,133
WHAT?
524
00:28:22,133 --> 00:28:24,134
YOU'RE JUST
A PATIENT, PENN.
525
00:28:24,134 --> 00:28:25,636
YEP.
526
00:28:25,636 --> 00:28:27,638
THE PATIENT IS PENN,
527
00:28:27,638 --> 00:28:30,640
AND THE DOCTOR IS
MY PARTNER TELLER.
528
00:28:30,641 --> 00:28:32,310
TELLER?
529
00:28:32,310 --> 00:28:34,645
IS THIS A JOKE?
530
00:28:34,645 --> 00:28:36,647
I CAN'T BELIEVE...
531
00:28:36,647 --> 00:28:39,617
YOU WOULD JOKE
ABOUT THIS.
532
00:28:39,617 --> 00:28:41,619
IT'S NOT A JOKE,
ERNESTO.
533
00:28:41,619 --> 00:28:44,221
WE WANTED
TO PROVE TO YOU
534
00:28:44,221 --> 00:28:46,223
THAT PSYCHIC
SURGEONS ARE FAKES.
535
00:28:46,223 --> 00:28:49,561
WE'RE GOING
TO SHOW YOU
HOW IT'S DONE.
536
00:28:49,561 --> 00:28:52,228
SEE THIS FINGER?
537
00:28:52,229 --> 00:28:54,798
YOU AREN'T
BORN WITH THAT.
538
00:28:54,798 --> 00:28:56,801
YOU'VE GOT TO
BUY IT.
539
00:28:56,801 --> 00:29:00,170
IT'S FULL OF CHICKEN
BLOOD AND GUTS.
540
00:29:00,171 --> 00:29:02,140
WATCH.
541
00:29:04,675 --> 00:29:06,177
DISGUSTING.
542
00:29:09,179 --> 00:29:12,516
IF THAT DOESN'T SEEM
LIKE ENOUGH BLOOD,
543
00:29:12,516 --> 00:29:14,518
USE ONE
OF THESE SPONGES.
544
00:29:14,518 --> 00:29:18,089
THEY MAKE IT
LOOK LIKE THERE'S
A LOT MORE BLOOD.
545
00:29:18,089 --> 00:29:20,090
STAY AWAY
FROM THOSE PSYCHICS.
546
00:29:20,090 --> 00:29:22,592
GET YOURSELF
TO A REAL HOSPITAL.
547
00:29:22,593 --> 00:29:24,629
I'LL TELL THAT BASTARD
548
00:29:24,629 --> 00:29:27,631
WHERE HE CAN STICK
HIS RUBBER FINGER.
549
00:29:37,975 --> 00:29:40,977
SO, DAVE,
TONIGHT WE'RE
GOING TO BE USING
550
00:29:40,978 --> 00:29:42,980
SOME STANDARD
HOUSEHOLD ITEMS.
551
00:29:42,980 --> 00:29:44,983
WE HAVE DRAIN CLEANER--
552
00:29:44,983 --> 00:29:47,485
A STAPLE UNDER
THE LETTERMAN SINK--
553
00:29:47,485 --> 00:29:49,986
AND A PIECE
OF RAW CHICKEN.
554
00:29:49,987 --> 00:29:51,789
GO AHEAD, TELLER.
555
00:29:51,789 --> 00:29:53,491
MM-MMM.
556
00:29:53,491 --> 00:29:55,960
ISN'T THAT
A PRETTY THING, HUH?
557
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,996
YOU'VE SEEN
WHAT A TEASPOON
OF DRAIN CLEANER
558
00:29:58,996 --> 00:30:00,998
DOES TO RAW CHICKEN--
559
00:30:00,998 --> 00:30:02,500
TELLER,
DON'T DO THAT!
560
00:30:02,500 --> 00:30:05,002
DAVE, HOLD YOUR
HAND OUT HERE.
561
00:30:05,002 --> 00:30:07,004
HOLD YOUR HAND
OUT HERE.
562
00:30:07,004 --> 00:30:10,507
WE CAN COUNT ON DAVE
TO BE FREAKED THERE.
563
00:30:10,508 --> 00:30:12,509
HE'LL ALSO
SAY SOMETHING FUNNY.
564
00:30:12,509 --> 00:30:14,745
DON'T BE
A WIMP, DAVE.
565
00:30:14,745 --> 00:30:18,248
"I'M NOT A WIMP,"
OR FUNNY WORDS
TO THAT EFFECT.
566
00:30:18,249 --> 00:30:20,451
TELLER, MAN,
IT AIN'T WORKING.
567
00:30:20,451 --> 00:30:23,588
I CAN SEE THE TAB
ON YOUR MOUTH.
568
00:30:23,588 --> 00:30:25,924
YEAH. ARE YOU OK
ON THIS?
569
00:30:25,924 --> 00:30:27,992
WOULD YOU NOTICE
THE PLASTIC?
570
00:30:27,992 --> 00:30:30,962
NO, I'D BE WORRYING
ABOUT MY HAND,
571
00:30:30,962 --> 00:30:32,964
BUT THE CAMERA
MIGHT NOTICE.
572
00:30:32,964 --> 00:30:34,965
OK, LET'S GO
FROM THERE.
573
00:30:34,965 --> 00:30:37,467
HOLD YOUR HAND
VERY STILL, DAVE.
574
00:30:37,468 --> 00:30:38,970
WAIT A MINUTE.
575
00:30:38,970 --> 00:30:42,040
HI, GUYS.
WE'RE A LITTLE BUSY
RIGHT NOW.
576
00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:44,308
LET'S KEEP GOING.
THEY'LL GO AWAY.
577
00:30:44,308 --> 00:30:46,477
NO, PENN,
THEY'RE NOT LEAVING.
578
00:30:46,477 --> 00:30:48,112
WHAT'S UP?
579
00:30:48,112 --> 00:30:51,315
YOU MUST BE THE BIG ONE
WITH THE HAIR.
580
00:30:51,315 --> 00:30:53,952
IS HE THE ONE
THAT DOESN'T TALK?
581
00:30:53,952 --> 00:30:55,453
WHO'S SHE?
582
00:30:55,453 --> 00:30:58,990
UH, YEAH,
I'M THE BIG ONE
WITH THE HAIR,
583
00:30:58,990 --> 00:31:01,492
AND HE DOESN'T
TALK RIGHT NOW
584
00:31:01,492 --> 00:31:04,495
BECAUSE HIS MOUTH
IS FULL OF
DRAIN CLEANER.
585
00:31:04,495 --> 00:31:05,996
THIS IS CARLOTTA.
586
00:31:05,997 --> 00:31:08,499
SHE'S PRETENDING TO
BE DAVID LETTERMAN.
587
00:31:08,499 --> 00:31:10,835
SHE'S HISPANIC,
AND SHE'S OUR FRIEND.
588
00:31:10,835 --> 00:31:12,002
HOLA.
589
00:31:12,002 --> 00:31:13,937
NOW IT'S MY TURN.
590
00:31:13,938 --> 00:31:16,507
YOU HAVE THE SCORPION
ON YOUR NECK.
591
00:31:16,507 --> 00:31:19,243
HE'S THE FAT ONE.
WHO IS THIS GENTLEMAN?
592
00:31:19,243 --> 00:31:21,678
DID YOU BOZOS
CONVINCE ERNESTO GARCIA
593
00:31:21,679 --> 00:31:24,882
TO CANCEL
HIS PSYCHIC SURGERY
IN MANILA?
594
00:31:24,882 --> 00:31:27,851
YEAH, BUT SOME CREDIT
GOES TO THE FACT
595
00:31:27,851 --> 00:31:29,954
THAT HE HAS A BRAIN.
596
00:31:29,954 --> 00:31:33,524
MY BROTHER IS
THE LEADING PSYCHIC
SURGEON IN MANILA,
597
00:31:33,524 --> 00:31:37,026
AND WE CAN'T HAVE
SMART-ASS SCUM LIKE YOU
598
00:31:37,027 --> 00:31:40,531
DEFAMING THE NAME
OF A GREAT HEALER.
599
00:31:42,834 --> 00:31:46,670
UH...BETTER TAKE
THE DRAIN CLEANER
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
600
00:31:46,670 --> 00:31:48,205
THIS IS, UH...
601
00:31:48,205 --> 00:31:50,207
THIS IS GETTING SERIOUS.
602
00:31:50,208 --> 00:31:51,709
HA HA HA!
603
00:31:51,709 --> 00:31:54,211
YEAH, WE ARE
SMART-ASS SCUM,
604
00:31:54,211 --> 00:31:57,214
AND WE'RE VERY SORRY
FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
605
00:31:57,214 --> 00:32:00,717
WE MAY HAVE CAUSED
YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
606
00:32:00,718 --> 00:32:03,020
WOULD YOU GUYS
LIKE A BEVERAGE?
607
00:32:03,020 --> 00:32:04,888
YOU'RE SPINELESS...
608
00:32:04,888 --> 00:32:06,591
REPULSIVE...SLIMY...
609
00:32:06,591 --> 00:32:08,591
YEAH. YEAH.
VERY SLIMY.
610
00:32:08,592 --> 00:32:10,594
HEY, THESE GUYS
ARE WEAK.
611
00:32:10,594 --> 00:32:13,097
THEY'RE OF
NO CONSEQUENCE TO US.
612
00:32:13,097 --> 00:32:14,599
NO WAY.
613
00:32:15,966 --> 00:32:18,435
JESUS CHRIST!
WHO IS THIS JERK?
614
00:32:18,435 --> 00:32:21,938
DON'T BE TROUBLED.
WE'LL BEAT HIM UP
FOR YOU.
615
00:32:21,939 --> 00:32:23,941
SO LONG, GUYS.
KICK HIM!
616
00:32:23,941 --> 00:32:26,443
HEY, WAIT.
THESE GUYS ARE TROUBLE.
617
00:32:26,443 --> 00:32:29,447
BETTER BRING THEM BACK
TO THE DOCTOR.
618
00:32:29,447 --> 00:32:33,950
DO WHAT YOU WANT
TO THE GIRL,
BUT LEAVE ME ALONE.
619
00:32:33,951 --> 00:32:35,453
LET'S GO.
620
00:32:36,954 --> 00:32:40,191
I WAS GOING
TO RESCUE YOU LATER!
621
00:32:40,191 --> 00:32:43,627
THE BOSS
ISN'T INTERESTED
IN THE GIRL.
622
00:32:43,627 --> 00:32:45,296
NO, BUT I AM.
623
00:32:45,296 --> 00:32:49,434
JUST MAKE SURE
SHE TALKS TO NO ONE!
624
00:32:52,636 --> 00:32:54,639
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
625
00:32:54,639 --> 00:32:56,439
I HAVE NO IDEA.
626
00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:59,476
DOES SHE THINK
SHE CAN GET AWAY
627
00:32:59,476 --> 00:33:01,479
AND TALK
TO THE POLICE?
628
00:33:01,479 --> 00:33:02,980
WHAT'S GOING ON?
629
00:33:02,980 --> 00:33:05,483
WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO DO?
630
00:33:06,917 --> 00:33:08,151
Teller?
631
00:33:08,152 --> 00:33:10,154
Are you here, Teller?
632
00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:13,157
Now, what she
probably meant
when she nodded
633
00:33:13,157 --> 00:33:15,659
was that we should
just cooperate,
634
00:33:15,660 --> 00:33:18,162
do what
they want us to.
635
00:33:18,162 --> 00:33:20,664
That must be
what she meant.
636
00:33:20,664 --> 00:33:22,667
Are you even here,
Teller?
637
00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:25,668
I trust,
in this desperate,
important situation,
638
00:33:25,669 --> 00:33:27,671
with me blindfolded
like this,
639
00:33:27,671 --> 00:33:29,673
you'd say something,
right?
640
00:33:29,673 --> 00:33:31,675
Like some
appropriate warning
641
00:33:31,675 --> 00:33:34,178
if I were
in immediate danger.
642
00:33:34,178 --> 00:33:36,179
You do know
I'm blindfolded,
643
00:33:36,179 --> 00:33:39,183
and we're talking
life or death here.
644
00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:42,186
SO--SO TO YELL
A COUPLE OF WORDS
645
00:33:42,186 --> 00:33:44,688
WOULDN'T HURT
YOUR IMAGE AT ALL.
646
00:33:44,689 --> 00:33:47,191
WE SHOULD HAVE
A UNIFIED STRATEGY.
647
00:33:47,191 --> 00:33:50,194
YOUR NOT TALKING
WHEN I CAN SEE YOU
648
00:33:50,194 --> 00:33:52,196
IS IRRITATING
AND TIRESOME,
649
00:33:52,196 --> 00:33:54,697
BUT WITH ME BLINDFOLDED,
IT'S EXASPERATING.
650
00:33:54,698 --> 00:33:57,201
IF I WERE YOU
AND BLINDFOLDED
651
00:33:57,201 --> 00:33:59,703
WITH NO IDEA
WHAT'S GOING ON,
652
00:33:59,703 --> 00:34:02,205
I'D BE CHATTERING
A BLUE STREAK.
653
00:34:02,205 --> 00:34:04,207
OK. LET'S TRY THIS.
654
00:34:04,208 --> 00:34:08,212
YOU WHISTLE ONCE FOR YES
AND TWICE FOR NO.
655
00:34:08,212 --> 00:34:10,214
TELLER?
656
00:34:10,214 --> 00:34:13,217
ARE YOU HERE WITH ME?
657
00:34:13,217 --> 00:34:15,719
ARE YOU
BLINDFOLDED, TOO?
658
00:34:15,719 --> 00:34:17,721
I KNOW
YOU CAN WHISTLE.
659
00:34:17,721 --> 00:34:19,723
I'VE HEARD YOU WHISTLE.
660
00:34:19,723 --> 00:34:21,225
OH.
661
00:34:21,225 --> 00:34:23,226
ARE THERE
OTHER PEOPLE HERE?
662
00:34:23,226 --> 00:34:25,228
ARE YOU GAGGED?
663
00:34:25,228 --> 00:34:27,730
YOU DO KNOW
I'M BLINDFOLDED, RIGHT?
664
00:34:27,731 --> 00:34:30,234
IF YOU'RE GAGGED,
TAP YOUR FINGERS.
665
00:34:30,234 --> 00:34:32,235
ONCE AGAIN,
ONCE FOR YES,
666
00:34:32,235 --> 00:34:34,237
AND TWICE FOR NO.
667
00:34:34,237 --> 00:34:36,239
TELLER?
668
00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:38,741
DID YOU MAKE
THAT CLANGING SOUND?
669
00:34:38,742 --> 00:34:40,745
THAT WAS ONCE.
670
00:34:40,745 --> 00:34:42,245
THAT MEANS YES.
671
00:34:42,245 --> 00:34:46,250
NOW, IS THAT YES,
YOU'RE HERE WITH ME,
672
00:34:46,250 --> 00:34:49,253
OR YES, YOU'RE
BLINDFOLDED,
673
00:34:49,253 --> 00:34:52,256
OR YES, YOU'RE GAGGED?
674
00:34:57,728 --> 00:35:00,798
I HATE YOU.
675
00:35:05,770 --> 00:35:08,005
Oh, I see.
676
00:35:08,005 --> 00:35:11,108
SO YOU TWO WISEACRES
DO NOT BELIEVE
677
00:35:11,108 --> 00:35:13,611
THAT I KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT MEDICINE?
678
00:35:13,611 --> 00:35:15,613
DID HE CALL US
WISEACRES?
679
00:35:15,613 --> 00:35:18,515
I WILL NOW
GIVE YOU PROOF
680
00:35:18,516 --> 00:35:21,151
BY REMOVING
TELLER'S LIVER.
681
00:35:21,151 --> 00:35:23,754
SCALPEL.
682
00:35:25,289 --> 00:35:27,425
UM...AHEM...
683
00:35:27,425 --> 00:35:28,792
YO...UH...UH...
684
00:35:28,792 --> 00:35:30,027
iHIJO DE PUTA!
685
00:35:31,796 --> 00:35:34,798
SO, MR. HIJO DE PUTA,
ARE YOU GOING TO SLIP
686
00:35:34,798 --> 00:35:37,301
A PIG'S LIVER
UNDER TELLER'S SHIRT?
687
00:35:37,301 --> 00:35:40,304
ANY TWO-BIT FILIPINO
CRUISE SHIP MAGICIAN
688
00:35:40,304 --> 00:35:44,809
WITH A FAKE FINGER
FULL OF PIG GUTS
COULD DO THAT.
689
00:35:44,809 --> 00:35:47,812
I THINK YOU WILL FIND
690
00:35:47,812 --> 00:35:50,815
MY DEMONSTRATION
QUITE CONVINCING.
691
00:35:52,316 --> 00:35:54,785
OH, YEAH,
HIJO DE PUTA?
692
00:35:54,785 --> 00:35:57,321
IF YOU DON'T
SHUT YOUR MOUTH,
693
00:35:57,321 --> 00:35:59,323
I MAY HAVE
TO DEMONSTRATE
694
00:35:59,323 --> 00:36:01,325
TO YOUR LITTLE FRIEND
695
00:36:01,325 --> 00:36:04,328
HOW TO REMOVE
A LIVING LARYNX
696
00:36:04,328 --> 00:36:07,765
WITH A PAIR
OF RUSTY PLIERS!
697
00:36:07,765 --> 00:36:09,667
NO PROBLEM.
NO PROBLEM.
698
00:36:12,970 --> 00:36:15,606
FORCEPS!
699
00:36:15,606 --> 00:36:17,842
iHIJO DE PUTA!
700
00:36:17,842 --> 00:36:19,843
THAT'S IT.
701
00:36:19,843 --> 00:36:21,979
I WILL NOW LEAVE YOU
702
00:36:21,979 --> 00:36:24,548
WITHOUT YOUR VOICE BOX!
703
00:36:24,548 --> 00:36:26,116
ERRRR!
704
00:36:26,117 --> 00:36:28,685
NO. THAT'S TOO GOOD
FOR HIM.
705
00:36:28,685 --> 00:36:31,721
I WANT
TO HEAR HIM SCREAM!
706
00:36:31,722 --> 00:36:33,724
LET'S CUT
HIS STOMACH FIRST.
707
00:36:33,724 --> 00:36:37,060
UH, SO, UH, YOU ORIGINALLY
FROM THE PHILIPPINES?
708
00:36:37,060 --> 00:36:39,596
YOUR ENGLISH
IS VERY, VERY GOOD,
709
00:36:39,597 --> 00:36:43,099
BUT YOU HAVE TROUBLE
WITH YOUR Bs AND Vs.
710
00:36:43,099 --> 00:36:45,102
LISTEN TO ME
A LITTLE--
711
00:36:45,102 --> 00:36:47,604
"I CAN'T REMEMBER
IF I CRIED
712
00:36:47,604 --> 00:36:50,607
"WHEN I READ ABOUT
HIS WIDOWED BRIDE,
713
00:36:50,607 --> 00:36:53,110
"BUT SOMETHING TOUCHED ME
DEEP INSIDE
714
00:36:53,110 --> 00:36:55,112
THE DAY
THE MUSIC DIED."
715
00:36:55,112 --> 00:36:56,614
HE'S CRAZY.
716
00:36:56,614 --> 00:36:58,615
"BYE, BYE,
MISS AMERICAN PIE.
717
00:36:58,615 --> 00:37:01,651
DROVE MY CHEVY
TO THE LEVEE--"
718
00:37:01,652 --> 00:37:03,120
HEAR THOSE Vs?
719
00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:05,890
IT'S NOT
"CHEBY TO THE LEBEE,"
720
00:37:05,890 --> 00:37:08,625
BUT "CHEVY
TO THE LEVEE,
721
00:37:08,625 --> 00:37:10,628
BUT THE LEVEE WAS DRY,
AND STARTED SINGING"
722
00:37:10,628 --> 00:37:13,730
♪ BYE, BYE,
MISS AMERICAN PIE ♪♪
723
00:37:13,730 --> 00:37:17,667
"AND THE JESTER SANG
FOR THE KING AND QUEEN
724
00:37:17,667 --> 00:37:20,136
"IN A COAT HE BORROWED
FROM JAMES DEAN
725
00:37:20,137 --> 00:37:24,408
"IN A VOICE WHICH CAME
FROM YOU AND ME!
726
00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:26,810
"JACK BE NIMBLE,
JACK BE QUICK,
727
00:37:26,810 --> 00:37:28,979
"JACK FLASH SAT
ON A CANDLESTICK
728
00:37:28,979 --> 00:37:32,082
'CAUSE FIRE IS
THE DEVIL'S ONLY FRIEND!"
729
00:37:32,082 --> 00:37:33,317
RAZOR.
730
00:37:33,317 --> 00:37:36,320
EVERYBODY KNOWS JACK FLASH
REFERS TO MICK JAGGER.
731
00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:39,824
JUMPING JACK FLASH,
WITH THE DEVIL--
IT'S ALL THERE.
732
00:37:39,824 --> 00:37:43,660
BUT I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT
THE JESTER WAS BOB DYLAN!
733
00:37:43,660 --> 00:37:44,995
WHAT IS BOB DYLAN?
734
00:37:44,996 --> 00:37:46,830
"THE OUTLOOK
WASN'T BRILLIANT
735
00:37:46,830 --> 00:37:48,531
"FOR THE MUDVILLE NINE
THAT DAY.
736
00:37:48,531 --> 00:37:51,201
THE SCORE STOOD
4-2--"
737
00:37:51,201 --> 00:37:54,471
DOC, THIS ONE HAS
A SURPRISE ENDING!
738
00:37:54,471 --> 00:37:56,006
KNOCK, KNOCK!
739
00:37:56,006 --> 00:37:57,607
KNOCK, KNOCK?
740
00:37:57,608 --> 00:38:00,511
I NEVER BELIEVED
THOSE LETTERS
TO PENTHOUSE,
741
00:38:00,511 --> 00:38:03,513
BUT I WAS FLYING
INTO NEW YORK,
742
00:38:03,513 --> 00:38:06,750
AND THERE WERE IDENTICAL
TWIN BLOND STEWARDESSES!
743
00:38:06,750 --> 00:38:09,753
EITHER ONE!
JUST GO! GO! DO IT!
744
00:38:09,753 --> 00:38:12,690
THEY WERE BOTH
SITTING NAKED ON MY BED,
745
00:38:12,690 --> 00:38:15,693
AND THEY WERE FONDLING
EACH OTHER'S BREASTS,
746
00:38:15,693 --> 00:38:18,696
AND SUDDENLY, THEY TOLD ME
WHERE THEY'D HIDDEN
747
00:38:18,696 --> 00:38:21,399
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
WORTH OF GOLD!
748
00:38:21,399 --> 00:38:26,203
AAAAAAAH!
749
00:38:26,203 --> 00:38:27,705
SURPRISE!
750
00:38:27,705 --> 00:38:29,206
AAAGH.
751
00:38:29,206 --> 00:38:31,208
HA HA HA!
752
00:38:31,208 --> 00:38:35,078
HA HA HA!
753
00:38:35,078 --> 00:38:37,380
THIS IS
A GREAT JOKE.
754
00:38:37,380 --> 00:38:40,884
I WENT ON TV
AND SAID THAT I, UH,
755
00:38:40,884 --> 00:38:44,388
WISH SOMEONE WERE TRYING
TO KILL ME,
756
00:38:44,388 --> 00:38:47,390
AND MY LITTLE BUDDY
STAGED THIS FOR ME.
757
00:38:47,390 --> 00:38:50,894
LET ME UP. I'D LIKE
TO SHAKE HIS HAND.
758
00:38:50,894 --> 00:38:53,395
JUST A COUPLE
OF FAKE EYEBROWS,
759
00:38:53,396 --> 00:38:55,900
AND YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE
UNCLE ERNESTO.
760
00:38:55,900 --> 00:38:57,902
YOU'RE GULLIBLE.
I LIKE THAT.
761
00:38:57,902 --> 00:38:59,570
YOU'RE NOT EVEN SICK.
762
00:38:59,570 --> 00:39:02,573
COURSE NOT. I FEEL GREAT.
I'M NOT SICK.
763
00:39:02,573 --> 00:39:04,908
CARLOTTA SAID
YOU LOVE THESE JOKES.
764
00:39:04,908 --> 00:39:06,343
NO HARD FEELINGS.
765
00:39:06,343 --> 00:39:09,480
YOU WERE
IN ON THIS, TOO?
766
00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:12,249
WHY DON'T YOU
UNTIE MY ARMS?
767
00:39:12,249 --> 00:39:16,419
I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU
A HUG AND A KISS.
768
00:39:16,420 --> 00:39:17,921
I WASN'T KIDDING.
769
00:39:17,921 --> 00:39:20,223
THOSE TWIN
FLIGHT ATTENDANTS
WERE TERRIFIC!
770
00:39:20,223 --> 00:39:23,259
YUM!
771
00:39:29,766 --> 00:39:32,268
OK, OK.
COME ON, COME ON.
772
00:39:32,268 --> 00:39:34,271
YOU GUYS READY
TO EAT?
773
00:39:34,271 --> 00:39:36,273
TELLER WANTS
CHINESE FOOD.
774
00:39:36,273 --> 00:39:38,275
THAT COOL WITH YOU?
775
00:39:38,275 --> 00:39:39,777
LET'S GO.
776
00:39:46,450 --> 00:39:49,453
WE GOT TO SEE
THIS SHOW AT CAESARS.
777
00:39:49,453 --> 00:39:52,456
THIS COMIC DOES THIS BIT
ON SHIRLEY MacLAINE.
778
00:39:52,456 --> 00:39:55,459
HE'S TALKING ABOUT
WHAT A NUT SHE IS
779
00:39:55,459 --> 00:39:58,462
AND HOW SHE HAS
THESE UNCANNY,
CREEPY FEELINGS--
780
00:39:58,462 --> 00:39:59,629
[GUNSHOT]
781
00:39:59,629 --> 00:40:01,298
OW! AAH! GOD!
782
00:40:01,298 --> 00:40:03,299
OH, GOD!
783
00:40:03,300 --> 00:40:05,368
AAH! AH. AH.
784
00:40:05,368 --> 00:40:07,304
YOU STICKING
YOUR FINGER IN
785
00:40:07,304 --> 00:40:09,807
TO SEE HOW DEEP IT IS?
786
00:40:09,807 --> 00:40:12,542
THE SHOT CAME
FROM UP THERE.
787
00:40:12,542 --> 00:40:14,944
I'LL STAY HERE
COWERING AND SCREAMING.
788
00:40:14,945 --> 00:40:17,447
HEY, GO BE A HERO.
789
00:40:17,447 --> 00:40:19,216
OW. AH.
790
00:40:19,216 --> 00:40:22,618
GOT YOU
IN THE ARM, HUH?
YOU WERE LUCKY.
791
00:40:22,619 --> 00:40:25,822
NO, I'M NOT LUCKY.
I GOT SHOT.
792
00:40:25,822 --> 00:40:27,825
GETTING SHOT
IS NOT LUCKY.
793
00:40:27,825 --> 00:40:29,827
LUCKY IS WINNING
THE LOTTERY.
794
00:40:29,827 --> 00:40:32,329
WITH THAT HAIR
AND THAT FINGERNAIL,
795
00:40:32,329 --> 00:40:35,332
AREN'T YOU THE GUY
THAT GOES ON TV
796
00:40:35,332 --> 00:40:38,335
AND ASKS PEOPLE
TO TRY TO KILL HIM?
797
00:40:38,335 --> 00:40:41,338
I DIDN'T ASK PEOPLE
TO KILL ME.
798
00:40:41,338 --> 00:40:45,342
I SAID I WISHED
SOMEONE WERE TRYING
TO KILL ME.
799
00:40:45,342 --> 00:40:47,845
YOU SAID THAT
ON NATIONAL TV?
800
00:40:47,845 --> 00:40:49,346
WHAT AN ASSHOLE.
801
00:40:49,346 --> 00:40:52,349
I'D LIKE TO BLOW
YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT.
802
00:40:52,349 --> 00:40:55,352
YOU'RE LUCKY
I DON'T HAVE A GUN.
803
00:40:55,352 --> 00:40:58,355
YUP, I'M THE LUCKIEST
MAN IN THE WORLD.
804
00:40:58,355 --> 00:41:00,090
MR. LUCKY
JUST GOT SHOT.
805
00:41:00,090 --> 00:41:02,793
IT'S PROBABLY
ALL FOR THE BEST.
806
00:41:02,793 --> 00:41:04,795
MAYBE NOW
YOU'LL THINK TWICE
807
00:41:04,795 --> 00:41:07,431
ABOUT SAYING
STUPID SHIT ON TV.
808
00:41:07,431 --> 00:41:12,469
IF I HAD A GUN,
I'D BLOW YOUR ASS OFF
RIGHT NOW!
809
00:41:12,469 --> 00:41:14,137
SHUT UP! JESUS!
810
00:41:14,137 --> 00:41:15,306
OW!
811
00:41:17,607 --> 00:41:19,143
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
812
00:41:27,017 --> 00:41:28,319
SHUT UP!
813
00:41:28,319 --> 00:41:32,087
DID YOU PAY OFF
YOUR SICK FRIEND
WITH THE GUN?
814
00:41:32,088 --> 00:41:35,159
YOU WERE TOO ANXIOUS
TO RUN AFTER HIM.
815
00:41:35,159 --> 00:41:37,595
YOU'RE NOT THAT BRAVE.
816
00:41:37,595 --> 00:41:40,330
THAT'S WHERE
YOUR LITTLE JOKE
FELL APART.
817
00:41:40,330 --> 00:41:41,731
PENN, SHUT UP!
818
00:41:41,731 --> 00:41:44,668
YOU SHUT UP, TOO!
YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!
819
00:41:44,668 --> 00:41:46,703
THIS IS SERIOUS!
820
00:41:46,703 --> 00:41:48,872
YOU'VE CROSSED
FROM PLEASANT ECCENTRICS
821
00:41:48,872 --> 00:41:50,674
TO DANGEROUS
PSYCHOPATHS.
822
00:41:50,674 --> 00:41:54,511
I'M TAKING YOU
ON A ROMANTIC RIDE
TO THE HOSPITAL.
823
00:41:54,511 --> 00:41:57,681
GO LAUGH ALONE
AT YOUR LAST
PRACTICAL JOKE!
824
00:42:24,708 --> 00:42:28,712
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
GET AWAY FROM US!
825
00:43:30,274 --> 00:43:34,278
HOW MUCH LONGER
AM I GOING TO
FOLLOW THIS GUY?
826
00:43:54,598 --> 00:43:57,467
YOU TIED ME
TO AN OPERATING TABLE,
827
00:43:57,467 --> 00:44:00,804
FORCED UNCLE ERNESTO
TO GO AT MY THROAT.
828
00:44:00,804 --> 00:44:02,606
THAT WAS FUNNY.
829
00:44:02,606 --> 00:44:05,643
BUT NOW I'VE BEEN
SHOT IN THE ARM.
830
00:44:05,643 --> 00:44:08,978
ONLY A SICK INDIVIDUAL
WOULD FIND THAT FUNNY.
831
00:44:08,978 --> 00:44:11,482
CARLOTTA'S RIGHT
ABOUT YOU, MAN.
832
00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:14,484
YOU'RE ARE TURNING
INTO A GOD DAMN PSYCHO.
833
00:44:14,484 --> 00:44:16,486
SHE'S REALLY MAD AT YOU.
834
00:44:16,486 --> 00:44:19,489
SHE WON'T TALK TO YOU
TILL YOU APOLOGIZE.
835
00:44:19,489 --> 00:44:20,658
[BANG]
836
00:44:26,363 --> 00:44:29,332
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
MY LITTLE FRIEND--
837
00:44:29,333 --> 00:44:32,335
THAT BETTER HAVE BEEN
A BLANK POWDER CHARGE
838
00:44:32,335 --> 00:44:36,606
OVER BY THE WINDOW
AND A SQUIB
BEHIND THAT MIRROR
839
00:44:36,606 --> 00:44:40,511
BECAUSE IF YOU HIRED
SOMEONE TO FIRE A REAL GUN,
840
00:44:40,511 --> 00:44:42,612
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S FUNNY.
841
00:44:42,612 --> 00:44:45,015
ACTUALLY, A BLANK
AND A SQUIB
842
00:44:45,015 --> 00:44:47,017
IS ONLY MILDLY FUNNY.
843
00:44:47,017 --> 00:44:49,252
THIS IS NOT
A KNEE-SLAPPER.
844
00:44:49,253 --> 00:44:52,356
THIS IS THE END
OF THE JOKE.
845
00:44:52,356 --> 00:44:54,357
MY ARM IS SORE,
846
00:44:54,357 --> 00:44:57,360
SO WHY DON'T YOU
SWEEP UP THIS GLASS,
847
00:44:57,360 --> 00:44:58,862
O COMEDY KING.
848
00:44:58,862 --> 00:45:01,765
I'M GOING
TO TELL CARLOTTA
ABOUT THE SQUIB.
849
00:45:01,765 --> 00:45:05,335
SHE'LL TALK TO YOU
WHEN IT'S CHILLY IN HELL.
850
00:45:05,335 --> 00:45:08,272
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
SHE'S ENJOYING
YOUR JOKES.
851
00:45:13,377 --> 00:45:14,877
[BANG]
852
00:45:14,877 --> 00:45:16,379
AAH!
853
00:45:16,379 --> 00:45:19,383
OH! HA HA HA!
854
00:45:26,389 --> 00:45:28,492
IT ISN'T YOU, IS IT?
855
00:45:48,411 --> 00:45:52,916
MEMOIRS OF THE HUNTED,
PAGE 3.
856
00:45:52,916 --> 00:45:56,920
SOON, 150 PUSHUPS
A DAY.
857
00:45:56,920 --> 00:46:00,424
EVERY STRANGER
A POTENTIAL...
858
00:46:00,424 --> 00:46:02,593
ASSASSIN.
859
00:46:11,934 --> 00:46:14,938
I'M SMOKING TOO MUCH
860
00:46:14,938 --> 00:46:18,442
AND DRINKING
MUCH TOO MUCH...
861
00:46:20,277 --> 00:46:21,612
COLA.
862
00:46:25,448 --> 00:46:26,950
AHH.
863
00:46:28,785 --> 00:46:33,457
I MUST STAY ALERT.
864
00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:36,960
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
865
00:46:44,967 --> 00:46:47,971
[RHYTHMIC KNOCKING]
866
00:46:59,482 --> 00:47:01,485
WERE YOU FOLLOWED?
867
00:47:33,850 --> 00:47:37,020
MEMOIRS OF THE HUNTED,
PAGE 4.
868
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:41,524
I'M RUNNING A FEVER
ALL THE TIME.
869
00:47:41,524 --> 00:47:43,526
EVERY CELL
OF MY BODY
870
00:47:43,526 --> 00:47:47,531
LONGS TO LIVE
ITS FINAL MOMENTS
TO THE FULLEST.
871
00:47:49,032 --> 00:47:51,034
I NEVER NOTICED
HOW BEAUTIFUL
872
00:47:51,034 --> 00:47:54,537
THE BLUE LINES ON
A YELLOW LEGAL PAD ARE.
873
00:47:54,537 --> 00:47:57,540
I HAVEN'T SLEPT
IN SO LONG
874
00:47:57,540 --> 00:47:59,543
THAT I'M...
875
00:48:03,045 --> 00:48:05,048
UH.
876
00:48:05,048 --> 00:48:08,017
REALLY TIRED.
877
00:48:09,052 --> 00:48:11,054
DEATH ROW,
MAIN STREET--
878
00:48:11,054 --> 00:48:14,057
IT'S ALL THE SAME
TO ME NOW.
879
00:48:14,057 --> 00:48:16,526
I HAVE ENTERED
A DIFFERENT WORLD,
880
00:48:16,526 --> 00:48:19,062
A WORLD OF JUNKIES,
BUGGERS,
881
00:48:19,062 --> 00:48:23,901
PROSTITUTES, HUNTERS,
AND ME--THE HUNTED.
882
00:48:27,571 --> 00:48:31,074
SHUFFLING OFF
THIS MORTAL COIL
IS LONELY.
883
00:48:31,074 --> 00:48:34,077
I WILL DIE ALONE,
884
00:48:34,077 --> 00:48:37,080
EVEN THOUGH FATS
IS HERE WITH ME.
885
00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:39,082
I'M JUST
CALLING YOU FATS
886
00:48:39,082 --> 00:48:41,317
SO THEY DON'T KNOW
IT'S YOU.
887
00:48:41,317 --> 00:48:43,820
I DON'T WANT
YOU STIFFED, TOO.
888
00:49:00,103 --> 00:49:04,608
MEMOIRS OF THE HUNTED,
PAGE 211.
889
00:49:05,942 --> 00:49:08,444
I'M BEGINNING
TO KNOW MY MURDERER
890
00:49:08,444 --> 00:49:10,613
LIKE I KNOW MYSELF,
891
00:49:10,613 --> 00:49:13,116
BUT I DON'T FEEL HATE--
892
00:49:13,116 --> 00:49:15,618
NOT FOR HIM.
893
00:49:15,618 --> 00:49:19,622
THE HATE I FEEL
IS FOR THE DO-GOODERS,
894
00:49:19,622 --> 00:49:24,127
LIKE THAT DO-GOODER
THAT CALLED THE COPS.
895
00:49:24,127 --> 00:49:27,630
WE DON'T NEED
SOME FLATFOOT.
896
00:49:27,630 --> 00:49:32,135
WHY CAN'T THEY LEAVE
FATS AND ME ALONE
897
00:49:32,135 --> 00:49:36,639
TO VANQUISH THE DRAGON
OF OUR VANISHED DREAMS?
898
00:49:36,639 --> 00:49:38,641
ANY MORE
COCOA PUFFS?
899
00:49:38,641 --> 00:49:41,144
WHERE ARE
THE GOD DAMN POLICE?
900
00:49:41,144 --> 00:49:43,412
WE COULD
HAVE BEEN KILLED
901
00:49:43,413 --> 00:49:45,482
THREE TIMES OVER
BY NOW.
902
00:49:45,482 --> 00:49:47,150
THE COP...
903
00:49:47,150 --> 00:49:51,154
WAS A GOODY TWO SHOES,
ALL RIGHT.
904
00:49:51,154 --> 00:49:53,156
HE HAD...
905
00:49:53,156 --> 00:49:56,159
ONE OF THOSE FACES...
906
00:49:57,661 --> 00:50:00,663
LIKE THE INSIDE
OF A PORK SAUSAGE
907
00:50:00,663 --> 00:50:03,166
AFTER YOU INJECT IT
WITH WATER
908
00:50:03,166 --> 00:50:05,668
FROM A HYPODERMIC
NEEDLE--
909
00:50:05,668 --> 00:50:09,672
ALL FULL OF
BOURGEOIS LOYALTY.
910
00:50:09,672 --> 00:50:12,976
HE WAS GOING TO BE
A BIG HELP.
911
00:50:12,976 --> 00:50:14,478
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
912
00:50:24,487 --> 00:50:25,989
ARE YOU PENN?
913
00:50:30,994 --> 00:50:33,129
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
DONE THAT, PENN.
914
00:50:33,129 --> 00:50:35,531
NOW YOU'RE REALLY
IN TROUBLE.
915
00:50:35,531 --> 00:50:37,200
CALL THE POLICE STATION.
916
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:41,136
SO THAT'S WHAT'S
GOING TO DO IN
MY ARCH NEMESIS--
917
00:50:41,137 --> 00:50:43,606
HER OWN DESIRE
TO BE PUNISHED.
918
00:50:43,606 --> 00:50:44,807
WHAT?
919
00:50:44,807 --> 00:50:48,044
I'M OFFICER McNAMARA,
37th PRECINCT.
920
00:50:48,044 --> 00:50:51,480
YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE THAT
ASKED PEOPLE TO KILL HIM,
921
00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:54,484
AND THIS WIMP
IS SOME PATHETIC PSYCHO
922
00:50:54,484 --> 00:50:56,986
TRYING TO CARRY OUT
YOUR WISH.
923
00:50:56,986 --> 00:50:59,990
THE PATHETIC PSYCHO
IS MY PARTNER TELLER.
924
00:50:59,990 --> 00:51:02,325
HE WASN'T
TRYING TO KILL ME.
925
00:51:02,325 --> 00:51:04,794
HE WAS TRYING
TO PROTECT ME.
926
00:51:07,330 --> 00:51:08,832
THIS IS GREAT.
927
00:51:08,832 --> 00:51:12,169
I THOUGHT THEY'D SEND
SOME FAT GUY
WHO ATE DOUGHNUTS.
928
00:51:29,185 --> 00:51:32,188
KEEP YOUR HAND ON
YOUR GOD DAMN GUN.
929
00:51:32,188 --> 00:51:34,190
KEEP IT ON THE GUN.
930
00:51:34,190 --> 00:51:36,692
I THOUGHT
YOU WERE A PROFESSIONAL.
931
00:51:36,692 --> 00:51:38,695
WHY ARE WE WALKING?
932
00:51:38,695 --> 00:51:40,831
[SCREECHING TIRES]
933
00:51:50,774 --> 00:51:53,709
SO WHAT IS IT,
THE SLAMMER FOR ME?
934
00:51:53,709 --> 00:51:56,712
NO TELLING HOW FAR
THIS WACKO WILL GO.
935
00:51:56,712 --> 00:51:59,716
THE P.D. CANNOT AFFORD
TO PUT EVERY ASSHOLE
936
00:51:59,716 --> 00:52:02,718
THAT WANTS TO GET KILLED
IN MAXIMUM SECURITY.
937
00:52:02,718 --> 00:52:05,622
I HAVE THE RIGHT
TO GO TO PRISON.
938
00:52:05,622 --> 00:52:07,723
YOU DO
ONE THING ILLEGAL,
939
00:52:07,724 --> 00:52:10,727
I'LL BLOW YOUR FACE
ALL OVER THE UPHOLSTERY.
940
00:52:12,228 --> 00:52:15,398
OK, IF YOU'RE NOT
TAKING ME TO PRISON,
941
00:52:15,398 --> 00:52:17,467
WHERE ARE YOU
TAKING ME?
942
00:52:20,237 --> 00:52:22,405
MY PLACE.
943
00:52:23,406 --> 00:52:25,741
YOU'LL BE SAFE THERE.
944
00:52:26,942 --> 00:52:28,912
WHERE IS YOUR PLACE?
945
00:52:34,250 --> 00:52:36,753
TELLER,
GET THE BAGS, HUH?
946
00:52:36,753 --> 00:52:39,755
YOU'RE GOING TO
KEEP ME ON A BOAT?
947
00:52:39,755 --> 00:52:41,258
OK!
948
00:52:42,892 --> 00:52:44,761
WELL, HERE WE ARE.
949
00:52:44,761 --> 00:52:46,429
HOME SWEET HOME.
950
00:52:46,429 --> 00:52:48,931
HOW LONG
WILL WE BE HERE?
951
00:52:48,931 --> 00:52:50,933
TILL WE
CATCH THAT CREEP.
952
00:52:50,933 --> 00:52:52,434
MAKE YOURSELF
COMFORTABLE.
953
00:52:52,434 --> 00:52:54,437
WOULD YOU LIKE
A COLA?
954
00:52:54,437 --> 00:52:55,939
YEAH, THANKS.
955
00:52:57,273 --> 00:53:00,276
YOU GOT A YOO-HOO
FOR TELLER?
956
00:53:00,276 --> 00:53:03,279
YEAH,
IN THE FRIDGE.
HELP YOURSELF.
957
00:53:05,281 --> 00:53:08,250
YOU LIKE
THE VELVET UNDERGROUND?
958
00:53:08,251 --> 00:53:09,785
YEAH. LOVE THEM.
959
00:53:09,785 --> 00:53:11,287
[MUSIC PLAYING]
960
00:53:11,287 --> 00:53:13,455
THEY'RE THE BEST.
961
00:53:14,790 --> 00:53:17,793
I HAD SUCH A CRUSH
ON NICO.
962
00:53:17,793 --> 00:53:19,796
I'VE ALWAYS
BEEN A SUCKER
963
00:53:19,796 --> 00:53:22,798
FOR CLASSY EUROTRASH
IN SUNGLASSES.
964
00:53:22,798 --> 00:53:26,134
♪ YOU BETTER
WATCH YOUR STEP... ♪
965
00:53:27,303 --> 00:53:31,339
I DON'T WEAR THEM
TO LOOK LIKE
THE HIGHWAY PATROL.
966
00:53:31,340 --> 00:53:34,577
YOU LOOK SO MUCH
LESS LIKE A COP.
967
00:53:34,577 --> 00:53:35,812
♪ IT'S TRUE ♪
968
00:53:35,812 --> 00:53:37,547
OH, DON'T WORRY.
969
00:53:37,547 --> 00:53:39,315
♪ IT'S NOT HARD
TO REALIZE ♪
970
00:53:39,315 --> 00:53:41,317
YOU'RE STILL
IN GOOD HANDS.
971
00:53:41,317 --> 00:53:46,823
♪ JUST LOOK INTO
HER FALSE-COLORED EYES ♪
972
00:53:46,823 --> 00:53:49,225
♪ SHE'LL BUILD YOU UP ♪
973
00:53:49,225 --> 00:53:51,828
♪ TO JUST
PUT YOU DOWN... ♪
974
00:53:51,828 --> 00:53:54,231
WE GOT SOME TIME
TO KILL.
975
00:53:54,231 --> 00:53:56,332
♪ 'CAUSE EVERYBODY
KNOWS... ♪
976
00:53:56,332 --> 00:53:58,334
WITH THE VELVETS PLAYING,
977
00:53:58,334 --> 00:54:01,337
I LIKE TO WATCH
THE THREE STOOGES.
978
00:54:01,337 --> 00:54:03,339
OH, I LOVE
THE STOOGES.
979
00:54:03,339 --> 00:54:05,842
REALLY?
980
00:54:05,842 --> 00:54:07,844
MOST WOMEN DON'T.
981
00:54:07,844 --> 00:54:11,347
MOST WOMEN I'VE MET
JUST THINK THEY'RE STUPID.
982
00:54:11,347 --> 00:54:14,350
OH, I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE STUPID.
983
00:54:14,350 --> 00:54:16,353
I THINK
THEY'RE SEXY.
984
00:54:19,355 --> 00:54:21,091
VELVET UNDERGROUND,
985
00:54:21,091 --> 00:54:25,095
THE THREE STOOGES,
COLA BEVERAGE--I'M SET.
986
00:54:28,331 --> 00:54:31,101
♪ SHE'S GOING TO SMILE ♪
987
00:54:31,101 --> 00:54:33,936
♪ TO MAKE YOU FROWN ♪
988
00:54:33,936 --> 00:54:36,106
♪ WHAT A CLOWN ♪
989
00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:41,610
♪ LOOK AT HER,
SHE'S ON THE STREET ♪
990
00:54:41,610 --> 00:54:47,116
♪ BEFORE YOU START,
YOU'RE ALREADY BEAT ♪
991
00:54:47,116 --> 00:54:51,454
♪ SHE'S GOING TO PLAY YOU
FOR A FOOL... ♪
992
00:54:51,454 --> 00:54:52,622
TELLER.
993
00:54:52,622 --> 00:54:55,125
NO ONE'S TRYING
TO KILL YOU.
994
00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:58,128
WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK
TO THE HOTEL
995
00:54:58,128 --> 00:55:01,130
AND SEE IF
WE LEFT ANYTHING THERE.
996
00:55:01,130 --> 00:55:04,133
TAKE THE CAR.
WE DON'T NEED IT.
997
00:55:04,133 --> 00:55:06,636
YEAH. SEE A MOVIE
OR SOMETHING.
998
00:55:06,636 --> 00:55:09,639
GIVE A CALL
BEFORE YOU COME BACK.
999
00:55:09,639 --> 00:55:13,143
JUST SO WE DON'T THINK
YOU'RE THE BAD GUY.
1000
00:55:13,143 --> 00:55:16,146
WOULDN'T WANT MY PARTNER
GETTING SHOT ACCIDENTALLY.
1001
00:55:17,146 --> 00:55:19,315
♪ 'CAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS ♪
1002
00:55:19,315 --> 00:55:21,984
♪ SHE'S A FEMME FATALE ♪
1003
00:55:21,984 --> 00:55:24,154
[MUSIC FROM
TELEVISION]
1004
00:55:24,154 --> 00:55:26,756
♪ SHE'S A FEMME FATALE ♪♪
1005
00:55:26,756 --> 00:55:28,324
IS, UH...
1006
00:55:28,324 --> 00:55:31,194
IS THIS THE ONE
WHERE THEY'RE PLUMBERS?
1007
00:55:56,018 --> 00:55:58,455
I'M PERSONALLY
A JOE BESSER FAN.
1008
00:56:40,496 --> 00:56:42,232
[BELLS JINGLE]
1009
00:56:47,570 --> 00:56:49,239
[POLICE RADIO]
1010
00:56:57,079 --> 00:56:59,416
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
1011
00:57:01,250 --> 00:57:04,087
[RING]
1012
00:57:05,588 --> 00:57:08,258
[RING]
1013
00:57:18,267 --> 00:57:21,270
[POLICE RADIO]
1014
00:58:33,343 --> 00:58:35,345
[AH-CHOO!]
1015
00:58:37,180 --> 00:58:38,681
[AH-CHOO!]
1016
00:58:45,355 --> 00:58:46,856
[AH-CHOO!]
1017
00:59:06,875 --> 00:59:08,878
TURN AROUND,
MOTHERFUCKER.
1018
00:59:11,814 --> 00:59:14,082
DON'T SAY A WORD, OK?
1019
00:59:14,083 --> 00:59:16,652
GIVE US YOUR MONEY,
ASSHOLE.
1020
00:59:16,652 --> 00:59:18,821
YOUR MONEY.
1021
00:59:18,821 --> 00:59:20,890
YOUR MONEY.
COME ON, MAN.
1022
00:59:20,890 --> 00:59:24,225
HEY, IT'S NOT
A FUCKING MENSA
TEST, ALL RIGHT?
1023
00:59:24,226 --> 00:59:27,596
JUST GRAB THE MONEY,
AND GIVE IT TO US.
1024
00:59:27,596 --> 00:59:30,566
MAYBE HE CAN'T
FIND HIS MONEY.
1025
00:59:30,566 --> 00:59:33,569
MAYBE HE NEEDS
A LITTLE HELP, HUH?
1026
00:59:33,569 --> 00:59:35,204
NEED SOME HELP?
1027
00:59:35,204 --> 00:59:37,440
WHAT?
1028
00:59:38,574 --> 00:59:41,077
WE AIN'T
GOT ALL FUCKING NIGHT!
1029
00:59:41,077 --> 00:59:43,346
JUST GIVE US
THE FUCKING MONEY!
1030
00:59:43,346 --> 00:59:46,716
GIVE US
THE FUCKING MONEY, OK?
1031
00:59:46,716 --> 00:59:48,250
NOW! DO IT!
1032
00:59:54,757 --> 00:59:56,492
TAKE IT EASY.
1033
01:00:00,095 --> 01:00:01,596
OK.
1034
01:00:01,597 --> 01:00:03,132
YOU FUCK.
1035
01:00:13,609 --> 01:00:15,611
POW.
1036
01:00:15,611 --> 01:00:17,113
POW.
1037
01:00:33,997 --> 01:00:35,365
[BANGING]
1038
01:00:52,014 --> 01:00:54,183
I'M GLAD
YOU SHOWED UP.
1039
01:00:54,183 --> 01:00:56,719
PUT ON A TANK.
1040
01:00:56,719 --> 01:00:59,187
I'LL SHOW YOU
A NEW BIT.
1041
01:00:59,187 --> 01:01:01,691
I'M SAWING TELLER
IN HALF UNDERWATER.
1042
01:01:01,691 --> 01:01:04,459
DOESN'T THE BLOOD
LOOK COOL?
1043
01:01:04,460 --> 01:01:07,396
IT'S TELLER'S
SAME FORMULA.
1044
01:01:07,396 --> 01:01:10,466
I ALSO CUT AND RESTORE
HIS AIR HOSE.
1045
01:01:15,238 --> 01:01:19,006
SHOW'S OVER, GUYS.
WE GOT OUR MAN.
1046
01:01:19,007 --> 01:01:20,309
ARE YOU SURE?
1047
01:01:20,309 --> 01:01:22,010
YES, I'M SURE.
1048
01:01:22,010 --> 01:01:24,046
I TOOK HIM IN
MYSELF.
1049
01:01:24,046 --> 01:01:25,548
WE WANT PROOF.
1050
01:01:25,548 --> 01:01:27,649
WE DON'T DO THAT
1051
01:01:27,650 --> 01:01:30,152
HEAD-ON-THE-PLATTER THING
ANYMORE.
1052
01:01:30,152 --> 01:01:32,655
IT'S THE GUY
IN THE ALLEY
1053
01:01:32,655 --> 01:01:34,656
WITH THE RANCH WAGON,
RIGHT?
1054
01:01:34,656 --> 01:01:35,825
YEP.
1055
01:01:35,825 --> 01:01:38,327
YOU'RE SURE
HE'S THE ONLY GUY?
1056
01:01:38,327 --> 01:01:40,429
I HATE TO TELL YOU,
1057
01:01:40,429 --> 01:01:43,332
BUT MOST PEOPLE
DON'T CARE
IF YOU'RE DEAD.
1058
01:01:43,332 --> 01:01:45,834
MOST OF US
AREN'T LUCKY ENOUGH
1059
01:01:45,834 --> 01:01:48,837
TO HAVE A PSYCHO
TRY TO KILL US.
1060
01:01:48,837 --> 01:01:52,608
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
HIS APARTMENT--
PENN & TELLER LAND.
1061
01:01:52,608 --> 01:01:54,210
LET'S SEE IT.
1062
01:01:54,210 --> 01:01:55,677
IT'S PRIVATE PROPERTY.
1063
01:01:55,677 --> 01:01:58,481
WE CAUGHT HIM.
WE'RE DONE WITH HIM NOW.
1064
01:01:58,481 --> 01:02:01,984
LISTEN, IT WAS OUR SOULS
HE WAS LEECHING OFF.
1065
01:02:01,984 --> 01:02:04,953
WE WANT TO SEE
PENN & TELLER LAND.
1066
01:02:21,203 --> 01:02:22,672
HEY!
1067
01:02:24,707 --> 01:02:27,209
WE CHECKED.
THESE AREN'T
YOUR SIGNATURES.
1068
01:02:27,209 --> 01:02:30,212
YOU WANT PROOF
THIS WAS YOUR NUTTER?
1069
01:02:30,212 --> 01:02:31,714
WATCH THIS.
1070
01:02:35,717 --> 01:02:37,653
IT'S TIME
FOR A TRICK...
1071
01:02:37,653 --> 01:02:39,654
YOU CAN DO AT HOME.
1072
01:02:41,290 --> 01:02:44,226
HELLO.
WE'RE PENN & TELLER.
1073
01:02:44,226 --> 01:02:45,394
PENN & TELLER!
1074
01:02:45,394 --> 01:02:46,727
VOILA!
1075
01:02:46,728 --> 01:02:50,633
WHEN I EAT FIRE, DON'T THINK
ABOUT HOW I'M DOING IT.
1076
01:02:50,633 --> 01:02:52,000
I GET BURNED.
1077
01:02:52,001 --> 01:02:54,369
YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT WHY.
1078
01:02:54,369 --> 01:02:55,604
WHY?
1079
01:02:55,604 --> 01:02:56,705
WHY?
1080
01:02:56,705 --> 01:02:58,540
WHY?
1081
01:02:58,540 --> 01:02:59,675
WATCH CLOSELY.
1082
01:02:59,675 --> 01:03:01,043
6.
1083
01:03:01,043 --> 01:03:03,312
ALAKAZAM!
1084
01:03:03,312 --> 01:03:05,747
WATCH CLOSELY.
1085
01:03:05,747 --> 01:03:08,149
ALAKAZOO!
1086
01:03:08,150 --> 01:03:10,019
NOW YOU SEE IT.
1087
01:03:10,019 --> 01:03:11,252
NOW YOU DON'T.
1088
01:03:11,253 --> 01:03:12,721
3.
1089
01:03:12,721 --> 01:03:14,089
PRESTO!
1090
01:03:14,089 --> 01:03:16,192
MAGIC IS FAKE.
1091
01:03:16,192 --> 01:03:18,361
VOILA!
1092
01:03:18,361 --> 01:03:20,596
WE NEED A VICTIM.
1093
01:03:20,596 --> 01:03:22,565
I'LL BE THE VICTIM.
1094
01:03:22,565 --> 01:03:23,733
EVILDOERS...
1095
01:03:23,733 --> 01:03:27,036
MUST BE PUNISHED.
1096
01:03:27,036 --> 01:03:28,771
I WISH--
1097
01:03:28,771 --> 01:03:29,772
ARE WE LIVE?
1098
01:03:29,772 --> 01:03:31,207
I WISH--
1099
01:03:31,207 --> 01:03:32,208
ARE WE LIVE?
1100
01:03:32,208 --> 01:03:33,576
I WISH--
1101
01:03:33,576 --> 01:03:34,677
ARE WE LIVE?
1102
01:03:34,677 --> 01:03:37,446
I WISH SOMEONE
WERE TRYING TO KILL ME.
1103
01:03:37,446 --> 01:03:38,948
[BANG]
1104
01:03:40,282 --> 01:03:41,383
WHY?
1105
01:03:41,383 --> 01:03:42,451
WHY?
1106
01:03:42,451 --> 01:03:46,188
WELL, I GUESS YOUR ART
IS INSPIRING SOMEBODY.
1107
01:03:46,188 --> 01:03:47,723
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
1108
01:03:47,723 --> 01:03:51,259
CAN WE NOT PRESS CHARGES
AND HIRE THIS GUY?
1109
01:03:51,260 --> 01:03:54,263
ATTEMPTED MURDER
WITH A POLICE
OFFICER PRESENT--
1110
01:03:54,263 --> 01:03:57,767
WHETHER YOU
PRESS CHARGES OR NOT,
HE'LL DO TIME.
1111
01:03:57,767 --> 01:04:00,569
WHEN THE JUDGE SEES
YOUR WEEKEND LIVE SPOT,
1112
01:04:00,570 --> 01:04:02,471
HE'LL GET OFF
WITH ASSAULT.
1113
01:04:02,471 --> 01:04:05,074
THIS GUY'S WACKO
TO BEGIN WITH.
1114
01:04:05,074 --> 01:04:08,144
SOMETHING WAS GOING TO
SET HIM OFF.
1115
01:04:08,144 --> 01:04:10,178
I'M JUST
CONCERNED ABOUT YOU.
1116
01:04:10,179 --> 01:04:13,716
LET'S GO. THIS PLACE
GIVES ME THE CREEPS.
1117
01:04:16,518 --> 01:04:18,086
UH, WELL, THANKS.
1118
01:04:18,086 --> 01:04:20,087
YOU, UH,
KEPT ME ALIVE
1119
01:04:20,088 --> 01:04:23,092
AND TAUGHT ME A VERY
IMPORTANT LESSON--
1120
01:04:23,092 --> 01:04:26,094
ONE SHOULD NEVER
GO ON NATIONAL TV
1121
01:04:26,094 --> 01:04:28,598
AND BEG PSYCHOPATHS
TO KILL ONE.
1122
01:04:30,165 --> 01:04:32,868
WILL YOU BE
AT THE BOAT
1123
01:04:32,868 --> 01:04:34,770
WHEN WE GET OUR STUFF?
1124
01:04:34,770 --> 01:04:37,773
NO. I START
ANOTHER CASE
RIGHT AWAY.
1125
01:04:37,773 --> 01:04:39,275
TELLER HAS KEYS.
1126
01:04:41,844 --> 01:04:43,478
[ENGINE STARTS]
1127
01:04:43,478 --> 01:04:45,481
HOW DOES HE DO THAT?
1128
01:04:45,481 --> 01:04:48,617
A LOT OF PRACTICE.
ISN'T HE GREAT?
1129
01:04:48,617 --> 01:04:52,021
UM, YOU KNOW MY NUMBER
AT THE HOTEL.
1130
01:04:52,021 --> 01:04:55,123
IF YOU EVER HAVE
AN UNCONTROLLABLE DESIRE
1131
01:04:55,123 --> 01:04:57,760
FOR A CARD TRICK,
CALL ME.
1132
01:04:57,760 --> 01:05:01,931
THANKS. I THINK
I MIGHT HAVE THAT URGE.
1133
01:05:08,137 --> 01:05:10,138
YOU'RE GETTING BETTER
AT THAT.
1134
01:05:10,138 --> 01:05:12,641
YOU DON'T EVEN
HURT THEM ANYMORE.
1135
01:05:12,641 --> 01:05:16,144
IT'S NOT LIKE WE
NEEDED A COP, YOU KNOW.
1136
01:05:16,144 --> 01:05:19,080
YOU'RE GETTING PRETTY GOOD
WITH THAT NINJA STUFF.
1137
01:05:19,081 --> 01:05:21,650
WE COULD HAVE
DONE IT ALONE.
1138
01:05:21,650 --> 01:05:23,318
YOU'RE
DOING GREAT.
1139
01:05:23,318 --> 01:05:24,853
AAH!
1140
01:05:24,853 --> 01:05:28,323
HEY, TELLER, GIVE ME
A HAND OVER HERE!
1141
01:05:28,323 --> 01:05:29,658
AAH!
1142
01:05:29,658 --> 01:05:31,660
HEY, STOP THAT CREEP!
1143
01:05:31,660 --> 01:05:33,161
GET THAT NUT!
1144
01:05:33,161 --> 01:05:35,664
YOU'RE THAT SAME
GOD DAMNED NUT!
1145
01:05:35,664 --> 01:05:37,666
THAT'S THAT SAME NUT!
1146
01:05:37,666 --> 01:05:39,168
TELLER! TELLER!
1147
01:05:39,168 --> 01:05:42,171
I THINK WE SHOULD GO
TO THE HOSPITAL.
1148
01:05:42,171 --> 01:05:45,173
I HAVE A KNIFE
IN MY STOMACH.
1149
01:05:45,173 --> 01:05:48,176
I THOUGHT McNAMARA
LOCKED THAT NUT UP!
1150
01:05:48,176 --> 01:05:51,813
WAIT, THAT'S McNAMARA'S CAR!
HEY, YOU, McNAMARA!
1151
01:05:51,813 --> 01:05:54,316
WHY'D YOU LET
THE NUT OUT?
1152
01:05:54,316 --> 01:05:56,819
YOU KNOW
I HATE THAT NUT!
1153
01:05:56,819 --> 01:05:59,821
TELLER, STOP THE CAB!
BRING IT HERE!
1154
01:05:59,821 --> 01:06:01,190
UH, GOD.
1155
01:06:01,190 --> 01:06:02,692
TELLER, RUN!
1156
01:06:02,692 --> 01:06:05,193
I'M REALLY
UNDER THE WEATHER.
1157
01:06:05,193 --> 01:06:06,695
I'M--UH.
1158
01:06:06,695 --> 01:06:08,196
AH.
1159
01:06:08,196 --> 01:06:09,698
AH.
1160
01:06:09,698 --> 01:06:11,700
UH...
1161
01:06:11,700 --> 01:06:14,202
I SHOULD REST.
1162
01:06:14,202 --> 01:06:16,205
OW.
1163
01:06:31,220 --> 01:06:33,221
OUCH! JESUS.
1164
01:06:33,222 --> 01:06:36,025
YOU TRYING
TO TWIST THE KNIFE?
1165
01:06:36,025 --> 01:06:37,727
DON'T TOUCH IT!
1166
01:06:37,727 --> 01:06:39,627
IT HURTS.
1167
01:06:39,628 --> 01:06:41,730
JUST GET AWAY FROM ME.
1168
01:06:41,730 --> 01:06:45,301
IT HURTS,
AND I DON'T WANT
YOU TO TOUCH IT.
1169
01:06:46,502 --> 01:06:48,503
VERY SHORTLY,
I'LL PASS OUT,
1170
01:06:48,503 --> 01:06:51,006
THEN I'LL GO INTO A COMA,
1171
01:06:51,006 --> 01:06:52,774
AND THEN I'LL DIE.
1172
01:06:52,775 --> 01:06:55,244
DURING ANY ONE
OF THOSE TIMES,
1173
01:06:55,244 --> 01:06:59,215
YOU'LL HAVE
PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITY
TO PLAY WITH THE KNIFE.
1174
01:06:59,215 --> 01:07:02,651
UNTIL THEN, JUST KEEP
YOUR PAWS TO YOURSELF.
1175
01:07:06,254 --> 01:07:08,257
JESUS CHRIST,
DON'T POUT!
1176
01:07:08,257 --> 01:07:11,427
I'VE GOT A GOD DAMN
KNIFE IN MY STOMACH.
1177
01:07:11,427 --> 01:07:12,461
JESUS.
1178
01:07:18,133 --> 01:07:19,267
AH!
1179
01:07:19,267 --> 01:07:20,769
UH!
1180
01:07:20,769 --> 01:07:22,770
HEY, LISTEN, TELLER.
1181
01:07:22,771 --> 01:07:25,274
I'M SORRY
I YELLED AT YOU.
1182
01:07:25,274 --> 01:07:28,277
THIS LOOKS A LOT
WORSE THAN IT IS.
1183
01:07:28,277 --> 01:07:31,279
BLOOD SPURTING
FROM THE ABDOMEN
ALWAYS LOOKS BAD.
1184
01:07:31,279 --> 01:07:34,282
I PROBABLY HAVE A COUPLE
OF INTERNAL ORGANS
1185
01:07:34,282 --> 01:07:36,285
THAT ARE STILL
FUNCTIONAL.
1186
01:07:36,285 --> 01:07:38,286
YOUR PARTNER
WILL BE OK.
1187
01:07:38,286 --> 01:07:40,288
FORGET THE SOLO ACT.
1188
01:07:40,288 --> 01:07:42,992
I CAN MAKE
THE DOOR MYSELF.
1189
01:07:42,992 --> 01:07:46,194
CATCH THAT GUY.
KICK HIS ASS
PERMANENTLY.
1190
01:07:46,194 --> 01:07:48,497
AH!
1191
01:07:55,003 --> 01:07:56,305
[WHISTLING]
1192
01:09:40,908 --> 01:09:42,911
ARE WE LIVE?
1193
01:09:42,911 --> 01:09:44,779
YEAH.
1194
01:09:54,223 --> 01:09:57,726
AND NOW, HERE'S SOMETHING
YOU CAN TRY AT HOME.
1195
01:09:58,727 --> 01:10:00,429
MY PARTNER TELLER,
1196
01:10:00,429 --> 01:10:02,431
WHO IN HIS SPARE TIME
1197
01:10:02,431 --> 01:10:05,433
HAS BECOME THE WORLD'S
GREATEST CARD MAGICIAN.
1198
01:10:05,434 --> 01:10:07,936
FOR YOUR AMAZEMENT,
TELLER!
1199
01:10:07,936 --> 01:10:10,072
ARE WE LIVE?
1200
01:10:10,072 --> 01:10:11,440
YEAH!
1201
01:10:11,440 --> 01:10:12,941
HA HA HA!
1202
01:10:12,941 --> 01:10:14,442
NOW WATCH CLOSELY.
1203
01:10:14,442 --> 01:10:17,946
SEE IF YOU CAN SEE
ANY STRINGS OR WIRES
1204
01:10:17,946 --> 01:10:20,950
AS I PERFORM
THE BOUNCING MUFFIN.
1205
01:10:28,423 --> 01:10:29,958
HA HA!
1206
01:10:29,958 --> 01:10:31,960
LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN,
1207
01:10:31,960 --> 01:10:33,963
MY PARTNER,
TELLER.
1208
01:10:33,963 --> 01:10:35,464
HA HA HA!
1209
01:10:35,464 --> 01:10:36,965
IN PERSON.
1210
01:10:36,965 --> 01:10:38,467
YAY!
1211
01:10:38,467 --> 01:10:39,968
ALL RIGHT!
1212
01:10:39,968 --> 01:10:41,469
WOO!
1213
01:10:41,469 --> 01:10:42,971
YAY!
1214
01:10:42,971 --> 01:10:43,972
WOO!
1215
01:10:43,972 --> 01:10:46,242
LISTEN!
1216
01:10:47,476 --> 01:10:48,977
COME ON, TELLER.
1217
01:10:48,977 --> 01:10:51,981
THE AUDIENCE KNOWS
TELLER DOESN'T TALK.
1218
01:11:06,828 --> 01:11:08,497
OH!
1219
01:11:22,510 --> 01:11:23,512
OK.
1220
01:11:23,512 --> 01:11:25,313
LET'S CONTINUE.
1221
01:11:25,314 --> 01:11:28,550
UP WE GO.
1222
01:11:53,374 --> 01:11:54,742
AH.
1223
01:11:54,742 --> 01:11:56,145
OK.
1224
01:11:56,145 --> 01:12:01,317
AND NOW
TELLER'S AMAZING
BOUNCING BAGEL.
1225
01:12:07,989 --> 01:12:09,157
HEH!
1226
01:12:09,158 --> 01:12:10,659
OH HO HO!
1227
01:12:10,659 --> 01:12:12,161
AHA HA HA!
1228
01:12:12,161 --> 01:12:13,662
I'M SORRY.
1229
01:12:13,662 --> 01:12:16,665
MY PARTNER IS HAVING
AN OFF NIGHT.
1230
01:12:16,665 --> 01:12:17,766
HA HA!
1231
01:12:17,766 --> 01:12:19,666
LEAVE IT.
1232
01:12:19,667 --> 01:12:21,770
THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
1233
01:12:21,770 --> 01:12:23,271
ARE WE LIVE?
1234
01:12:23,271 --> 01:12:24,272
YEAH!
1235
01:12:24,272 --> 01:12:25,774
ARE WE LIVE?
1236
01:12:25,774 --> 01:12:27,175
YEAH!
1237
01:12:27,175 --> 01:12:29,178
GET DOWN
FROM THERE!
1238
01:12:32,681 --> 01:12:33,882
NOT YOU!
1239
01:12:36,852 --> 01:12:38,821
TIE HIM UP.
1240
01:12:41,190 --> 01:12:44,692
WHEN I FIRST SAW
YOU AND PENN ON TV
1241
01:12:44,693 --> 01:12:48,997
AND PENN WAS TALKING
ABOUT PEOPLE TRYING
TO KILL HIM,
1242
01:12:48,997 --> 01:12:50,699
I HATED PENN,
1243
01:12:50,699 --> 01:12:53,701
AND I DECIDED
TO SCARE HIM,
1244
01:12:53,702 --> 01:12:57,705
AND I HIRED THIS GUY,
AND HE WAS GREAT.
1245
01:12:57,705 --> 01:12:59,708
WE SCARED HIM.
1246
01:12:59,708 --> 01:13:02,043
AND THEN...
1247
01:13:02,043 --> 01:13:05,047
THE MORE I GOT
TO KNOW YOU GUYS
1248
01:13:05,047 --> 01:13:07,214
AND THE WAY YOU WORK,
1249
01:13:07,215 --> 01:13:09,217
THE MORE
I REALIZED THAT
1250
01:13:09,217 --> 01:13:12,221
EVEN IF I COULD STOP
YOU FROM DISPLAYING
1251
01:13:12,221 --> 01:13:15,223
YOUR DISREGARD FOR DEATH,
THERE WOULD BE OTHERS...
1252
01:13:15,223 --> 01:13:18,226
UNLESS I COULD
SHOW THEM WHAT HAPPENS
1253
01:13:18,226 --> 01:13:21,230
TO PEOPLE WHO THINK
DEATH IS A JOKE.
1254
01:13:22,731 --> 01:13:25,233
PENN'S STILL
AT THE HOSPITAL.
1255
01:13:25,234 --> 01:13:27,202
KILL HIM.
1256
01:13:28,737 --> 01:13:32,073
YOU'RE NOT TOO UNCOMFORTABLE
UP THERE, ARE YOU?
1257
01:13:32,073 --> 01:13:34,076
YOU'RE USED TO IT, RIGHT?
1258
01:13:37,745 --> 01:13:39,748
I HATED PENN,
1259
01:13:39,748 --> 01:13:42,549
BUT I WATCHED
THE VIDEOTAPES AGAIN.
1260
01:13:42,550 --> 01:13:45,220
I GOT
TO REALLY HATE YOU.
1261
01:13:45,220 --> 01:13:47,756
ALWAYS STANDING THERE
BESIDE HIM, SMILING,
1262
01:13:47,756 --> 01:13:49,791
TACITLY ACCEPTING.
1263
01:13:49,791 --> 01:13:52,261
WELL, YOU DON'T
JUST ACCEPT IT.
1264
01:13:52,261 --> 01:13:54,362
YOU THINK IT UP,
1265
01:13:54,362 --> 01:13:56,265
AND YOU'RE TOO SICK
1266
01:13:56,265 --> 01:13:58,767
TO EVEN EXPRESS YOURSELF
IN WORDS.
1267
01:13:58,767 --> 01:14:02,104
THAT'S WHY I DECIDED
TO KILL PENN FIRST...
1268
01:14:06,274 --> 01:14:09,778
SO YOU COULD JUST
HANG AROUND HERE--
1269
01:14:09,778 --> 01:14:11,279
FORGIVE ME--
1270
01:14:11,279 --> 01:14:13,282
AND SMILE PASSIVELY
1271
01:14:13,282 --> 01:14:17,552
WHILE PENN LEARNED
HOW SERIOUS DEATH CAN BE,
1272
01:14:17,552 --> 01:14:21,289
AND I'LL SEE
HOW WELL YOU LEARN.
1273
01:14:21,289 --> 01:14:25,293
THEN I'LL DECIDE
WHAT TO DO WITH YOU.
1274
01:14:25,293 --> 01:14:28,797
IN THE MEANTIME...
1275
01:14:28,797 --> 01:14:31,299
I'LL JUST SIT HERE
1276
01:14:31,300 --> 01:14:34,302
AND WATCH
YOUR BLOOD VESSELS POP.
1277
01:14:34,302 --> 01:14:35,637
[CLICK]
1278
01:14:35,637 --> 01:14:38,973
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?
I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT.
1279
01:14:38,973 --> 01:14:40,075
TELLER.
1280
01:14:40,075 --> 01:14:41,075
[BANG]
1281
01:14:41,075 --> 01:14:43,312
SUR-SURPRISE.
1282
01:14:50,586 --> 01:14:52,321
HA HA HA!
1283
01:14:53,822 --> 01:14:55,991
YOU GUYS.
1284
01:14:56,992 --> 01:14:59,528
TH-THAT'S PENN.
1285
01:15:00,629 --> 01:15:02,563
WHAT'S GOING ON?
1286
01:15:02,563 --> 01:15:04,099
I DON'T KNOW.
1287
01:15:04,099 --> 01:15:06,602
YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT SHOT HIM.
1288
01:15:09,104 --> 01:15:10,606
WHAT?
1289
01:15:19,615 --> 01:15:21,148
CARLOTTA.
1290
01:15:24,386 --> 01:15:26,288
CARLOTTA!
1291
01:15:28,123 --> 01:15:30,625
HA HA HA!
1292
01:15:30,625 --> 01:15:32,627
OH!
1293
01:15:32,627 --> 01:15:34,062
WOO!
1294
01:15:35,630 --> 01:15:37,832
WOW!
1295
01:15:37,832 --> 01:15:39,834
THIS IS GREAT.
1296
01:15:39,834 --> 01:15:42,570
LOOK AT THAT STUFF.
1297
01:15:42,570 --> 01:15:44,906
OHH.
1298
01:15:44,906 --> 01:15:46,574
YOU...
1299
01:15:46,574 --> 01:15:48,576
YOU AND PENN.
1300
01:15:51,079 --> 01:15:53,148
THIS IS THE BEST.
1301
01:15:53,148 --> 01:15:55,917
HA HA HA!
1302
01:15:55,917 --> 01:15:58,586
THIS IS THE BEST!
1303
01:15:58,586 --> 01:16:00,588
WOO!
1304
01:16:00,588 --> 01:16:03,425
IT WAS A VERY MEAN JOKE.
1305
01:16:03,425 --> 01:16:06,594
IT WAS, AND IT'S
NOT WORKING ON ME.
1306
01:16:06,594 --> 01:16:08,664
DON'T EVEN TRY IT.
1307
01:16:09,931 --> 01:16:12,099
YOU SWITCHED IT.
1308
01:16:12,100 --> 01:16:13,468
WHEN?
1309
01:16:13,468 --> 01:16:14,603
WHAT?
1310
01:16:14,603 --> 01:16:16,204
FAKE GUN.
1311
01:16:16,204 --> 01:16:20,842
YOU SWITCHED IT
FOR THE REAL GUN
WHILE I WAS AT--
1312
01:16:20,842 --> 01:16:22,110
WHAT REAL ONE?
1313
01:16:22,110 --> 01:16:23,445
THE ONE I BOUGHT.
1314
01:16:23,445 --> 01:16:26,313
AT THE PAWNSHOP
ON KENTUCKY AVENUE.
1315
01:16:26,314 --> 01:16:28,617
TO PROTECT PENN.
1316
01:16:28,617 --> 01:16:31,619
OK. CUT IT OUT.
1317
01:16:31,619 --> 01:16:34,255
GET UP, PENN.
1318
01:16:35,624 --> 01:16:38,126
IT ISN'T FUNNY!
GET UP!
1319
01:16:42,130 --> 01:16:43,632
[BANG]
1320
01:17:15,664 --> 01:17:17,232
HE'S DEAD.
1321
01:17:18,667 --> 01:17:20,168
WHAT?
1322
01:17:22,170 --> 01:17:23,838
HE'S DEAD.
1323
01:17:23,838 --> 01:17:25,674
PENN'S DEAD.
1324
01:17:29,677 --> 01:17:31,411
REALLY?
1325
01:17:31,412 --> 01:17:33,181
YES!
1326
01:17:33,181 --> 01:17:34,883
[CRYING]
1327
01:17:34,883 --> 01:17:37,686
HA HA HA!
1328
01:17:45,693 --> 01:17:48,530
NO HARD FEELINGS.
1329
01:17:53,702 --> 01:17:54,702
[BANG]
1330
01:17:54,702 --> 01:17:56,204
OH!
1331
01:18:49,257 --> 01:18:51,259
[DOG BARKING]
1332
01:18:51,259 --> 01:18:52,761
[BABY CRYING]
1333
01:19:03,604 --> 01:19:05,006
[CRASH]
1334
01:19:11,179 --> 01:19:12,780
HA HA HA!
1335
01:19:12,780 --> 01:19:15,782
IT WASN'T SO MUCH
AN ACTING JOB.
1336
01:19:15,783 --> 01:19:18,787
I MEAN,
IT WAS AN ACTING JOB--
1337
01:19:18,787 --> 01:19:21,790
THE MOST INCREDIBLE
ACTING JOB I'VE EVER HAD.
1338
01:19:21,790 --> 01:19:24,292
WE DID THIS
JUST FOR TELLER.
1339
01:19:24,292 --> 01:19:25,926
HA HA HA!
1340
01:19:25,926 --> 01:19:29,430
AND I WAS THE PSYCHO
PENN & TELLER FAN,
1341
01:19:29,430 --> 01:19:31,933
AND PENN AND HIS
CRAZY GIRLFRIEND
1342
01:19:31,933 --> 01:19:33,801
ARE, LIKE,
REALLY OBSESSIVE.
1343
01:19:33,801 --> 01:19:37,305
THEY GOT MY PICTURE
IN THE MUG SHOT BOOKS.
1344
01:19:37,305 --> 01:19:40,308
I'M SNEAKING AROUND
WITH THESE REAL GUNS
1345
01:19:40,308 --> 01:19:42,310
WITH BLANKS IN THEM.
1346
01:19:42,310 --> 01:19:45,813
PENN TAUGHT ME TO USE
THIS BREAKAWAY KNIFE.
1347
01:19:45,813 --> 01:19:48,817
EVEN TELLER DIDN'T
SEE ME DO THE MOVE.
1348
01:19:48,817 --> 01:19:51,319
I'M TELLING YOU,
IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
1349
01:19:51,319 --> 01:19:54,356
THEY HAD ME WEARING
THIS RED FINGERNAIL.
1350
01:19:54,356 --> 01:19:56,757
I FORGET I HAVE IT ON.
1351
01:19:56,757 --> 01:19:59,326
WOMEN WOULD
LOOK AT ME STRANGE.
1352
01:19:59,327 --> 01:20:01,829
PENN WAS PLEASED
WITH MY PERFORMANCE.
1353
01:20:01,829 --> 01:20:04,833
THEY MIGHT USE ME
IN THE MOVIE.
1354
01:20:04,833 --> 01:20:06,166
GREAT!
1355
01:20:06,167 --> 01:20:08,335
SO IT WAS
GOOD EXPERIENCE
1356
01:20:08,335 --> 01:20:10,338
AND GOOD
FOR MY CAREER.
1357
01:20:10,338 --> 01:20:12,840
THEY WOULDN'T
LET ME TELL ANYBODY.
1358
01:20:12,841 --> 01:20:15,843
THEY WON'T MIND ME
GOING TO THEIR PARTY?
1359
01:20:15,843 --> 01:20:17,312
NO. IT'S OK.
1360
01:20:17,312 --> 01:20:19,313
IT'S GOING TO BE FUN.
1361
01:20:19,313 --> 01:20:21,349
YOU'LL LIKE
PENN & TELLER.
1362
01:20:21,349 --> 01:20:23,852
THEY'LL DO
ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH.
1363
01:20:23,852 --> 01:20:25,854
[BUZZ]
1364
01:20:25,854 --> 01:20:28,089
HA HA HA!
1365
01:20:32,027 --> 01:20:33,861
HA HA HA!
1366
01:20:33,861 --> 01:20:36,064
YOU'RE RIGHT.
1367
01:20:39,868 --> 01:20:41,369
SO, UH...
1368
01:20:44,371 --> 01:20:47,375
THIS THEIR IDEA
OF SOME KIND OF JOKE?
1369
01:20:48,877 --> 01:20:50,879
OH, JESUS!
1370
01:20:53,381 --> 01:20:56,884
EVERYTHING
IN THIS APARTMENT
HAS MY NAME ON IT.
1371
01:20:56,884 --> 01:21:00,889
IT'S DESIGNED
TO MAKE IT LOOK
LIKE I'M A PSYCHO
1372
01:21:00,889 --> 01:21:04,392
THAT WANTS TO KILL
PENN AND TELLER.
1373
01:21:04,392 --> 01:21:06,394
COME ON, MAN. COME ON.
1374
01:21:06,394 --> 01:21:08,396
THEY'LL
NEVER BELIEVE ME.
1375
01:21:08,396 --> 01:21:10,397
I-I-I CAN'T--
1376
01:21:10,397 --> 01:21:12,967
I CAN'T
GO TO PRISON.
1377
01:21:12,967 --> 01:21:14,902
I CAN'T TAKE PRISON.
1378
01:21:14,903 --> 01:21:16,971
I'LL CRACK,
FALL TO PIECES.
1379
01:21:16,971 --> 01:21:20,407
JUST TELL THEM
IT WAS PENN'S IDEA.
1380
01:21:20,408 --> 01:21:21,910
[BANG]
1381
01:21:33,421 --> 01:21:35,924
MY LIFE IN POLITICS
IS OVER.
1382
01:21:39,427 --> 01:21:42,931
I NEVER EVEN MET
THESE PEOPLE!
1383
01:21:44,932 --> 01:21:47,434
OH, I HATE
PENN AND TELLER!
1384
01:21:47,435 --> 01:21:50,605
NOT CONTENT
JUST TO DESTROY THEMSELVES!
1385
01:22:04,786 --> 01:22:06,454
FUCK.
1386
01:22:06,454 --> 01:22:09,456
WELL, I'M SURE
ONE OF THESE PEOPLE
1387
01:22:09,457 --> 01:22:12,460
HAS GOT TO HAVE
SOME BULLETS ON HIM.
1388
01:22:18,967 --> 01:22:20,969
HA HA HA!
1389
01:22:27,474 --> 01:22:28,510
OK.
1390
01:22:34,983 --> 01:22:36,617
[GUNSHOT]
1391
01:22:36,617 --> 01:22:38,119
IN THAT BUILDING.
1392
01:22:38,119 --> 01:22:40,353
IT MUST JUST
BE SOME KIDS
1393
01:22:40,354 --> 01:22:42,157
WITH FIRECRACKERS.
1394
01:22:44,492 --> 01:22:45,993
YEAH.
1395
01:22:45,993 --> 01:22:48,996
IT STILL GIVES ME
THE CREEPS, THOUGH.
1396
01:22:48,996 --> 01:22:52,500
YOU KNOW, THEY SAY
YOU GET USED TO IT.
1397
01:22:52,500 --> 01:22:55,002
YOU DON'T
GET USED TO IT.
1398
01:22:55,002 --> 01:22:58,506
YOU CHANGE, BUT YOU
DON'T GET USED TO IT.
1399
01:23:00,007 --> 01:23:03,010
YOU NEVER
GET USED TO IT.
1400
01:23:08,015 --> 01:23:10,518
I STILL CAN'T
FORGET THAT NIGHT,
1401
01:23:10,518 --> 01:23:13,521
THAT HORRIBLE,
HAUNTING NIGHT...
1402
01:23:13,521 --> 01:23:17,023
THAT DEADLY NIGHT,
WHEN MY FIRST PARTNER...
1403
01:23:17,024 --> 01:23:18,526
OH.
1404
01:23:18,526 --> 01:23:20,528
THAT MUST
HAVE BEEN AWFUL.
1405
01:23:20,528 --> 01:23:23,431
I'M SURE I COULDN'T
HAVE TAKEN THAT.
1406
01:23:23,431 --> 01:23:25,933
I LIKE
THE LAW ENFORCEMENT
BUSINESS,
1407
01:23:25,934 --> 01:23:28,936
BUT WHAT I REALLY LIKE
IS THE PAPERWORK.
1408
01:23:28,936 --> 01:23:32,941
I LIKE WATCHING THE LAWS
GET INTERPRETED DAY-TO-DAY,
1409
01:23:32,941 --> 01:23:34,942
BUT I CAN'T STAND
VIOLENCE.
1410
01:23:34,942 --> 01:23:37,979
I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT
FOR THE STREETS.
1411
01:23:37,979 --> 01:23:41,482
I WISH I COULD
GET BACK IN MY OFFICE.
1412
01:23:41,482 --> 01:23:43,484
I LOVE OFFICE WORK.
1413
01:23:43,484 --> 01:23:45,486
MY BACKGROUND,
IT'S ALL CLERICAL.
1414
01:23:45,486 --> 01:23:47,855
YOU'LL SEE
AWFUL THINGS.
1415
01:23:47,855 --> 01:23:49,322
I CAN'T TELL YOU WHEN,
1416
01:23:49,323 --> 01:23:52,326
BUT LOOK WHAT IT
DID TO ME.
1417
01:23:52,326 --> 01:23:54,162
I'M ABOUT TO RETIRE,
1418
01:23:54,162 --> 01:23:56,664
ABOUT TO ENTER
MY GOLDEN YEARS,
1419
01:23:56,664 --> 01:23:58,666
AND WHAT HAVE I GOT?
1420
01:23:58,666 --> 01:24:00,167
NOTHING.
1421
01:24:00,167 --> 01:24:03,170
MY WIFE LEFT ME.
MY KIDS HATE ME.
1422
01:24:03,170 --> 01:24:04,672
MY RETIREMENT PAY,
1423
01:24:04,672 --> 01:24:07,174
I'LL HAVE JUST ABOUT
ENOUGH MONEY
1424
01:24:07,174 --> 01:24:10,678
TO SPEND MY FINAL DAYS
IN A DRUNKEN STUPOR.
1425
01:24:10,678 --> 01:24:12,680
I'M AN ALCOHOLIC,
YOU KNOW.
1426
01:24:14,181 --> 01:24:17,184
IT'S NOT
THE SUFFERING
THAT BOTHERS ME.
1427
01:24:17,185 --> 01:24:19,687
IT'S THE FACT
THAT IT'S SENSELESS.
1428
01:24:19,687 --> 01:24:21,689
WHAT APARTMENT
WAS IT?
1429
01:24:21,689 --> 01:24:23,691
HERE WE ARE--5 H.
1430
01:24:28,196 --> 01:24:30,698
[BUZZ]
1431
01:24:42,710 --> 01:24:46,247
POLICE!
OPEN UP IN THERE!
1432
01:24:52,720 --> 01:24:54,222
OK.
1433
01:24:58,192 --> 01:24:59,594
[CRASH]
1434
01:25:01,095 --> 01:25:02,596
OH, JESUS.
1435
01:25:02,596 --> 01:25:04,098
OH, GOD.
1436
01:25:04,098 --> 01:25:06,100
I CAN'T TAKE IT.
1437
01:25:06,100 --> 01:25:08,102
I JUST
CAN'T TAKE IT.
1438
01:25:08,102 --> 01:25:11,105
DON'T DO IT.
YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.
1439
01:25:11,105 --> 01:25:13,107
I DON'T WANT TO!
1440
01:25:13,107 --> 01:25:15,109
GOOD-BYE, MY FRIEND!
1441
01:25:15,109 --> 01:25:16,610
[GUNSHOT]
1442
01:25:16,610 --> 01:25:18,112
[THUMP]
1443
01:25:19,614 --> 01:25:22,616
OH, I GUESS
THERE WAS NO WAY
1444
01:25:22,616 --> 01:25:27,121
I COULD HAVE STOPPED HIM
FROM TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT,
1445
01:25:27,121 --> 01:25:29,623
BUT I CAN'T LOSE
ANOTHER PARTNER.
1446
01:25:29,623 --> 01:25:32,625
I MEAN,
NOT THE SAME WAY.
1447
01:25:32,626 --> 01:25:36,130
OK, SO I'M A COWARD.
1448
01:25:36,130 --> 01:25:40,634
SO MY KIDS DON'T GET
THE LIFE INSURANCE MONEY.
1449
01:25:40,634 --> 01:25:42,637
BASTARDS NEVER WRITE ME.
1450
01:25:42,637 --> 01:25:44,138
[GUNSHOT]
1451
01:25:44,138 --> 01:25:46,141
[THUMP]
1452
01:25:48,642 --> 01:25:51,146
WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET
UP THERE?
1453
01:25:56,650 --> 01:25:58,152
UH!
1454
01:25:58,152 --> 01:26:01,488
HONEY, I GUESS
YOU SHOULD COME UP HERE
1455
01:26:01,488 --> 01:26:03,323
OR CALL THE POLICE!
1456
01:26:03,323 --> 01:26:06,661
♪ I STARTED A JOKE ♪
1457
01:26:06,661 --> 01:26:11,666
♪ WHICH STARTED
THE WHOLE WORLD CRYING ♪
1458
01:26:11,666 --> 01:26:13,167
WHAT?
1459
01:26:13,167 --> 01:26:16,671
♪ BUT I DIDN'T SEE ♪
1460
01:26:16,671 --> 01:26:18,672
[GUNSHOT]
1461
01:26:18,672 --> 01:26:22,675
♪ THAT THE JOKE WAS
ON ME... ♪
1462
01:26:22,676 --> 01:26:24,178
OH, NO!
1463
01:26:24,178 --> 01:26:25,680
[PENN]
OH, YEAH!
1464
01:26:25,680 --> 01:26:27,181
[GUNSHOT]
1465
01:26:27,181 --> 01:26:30,183
WE'RE DEAD,
AND THERE'S NO WAY OUT.
1466
01:26:30,184 --> 01:26:32,186
IT COULDN'T BE A GAG.
1467
01:26:32,186 --> 01:26:36,190
WE WON'T HAVE A CHARACTER
WAKE UP FROM A DREAM.
1468
01:26:36,190 --> 01:26:39,692
THE MOVIE IS CALLED
PENN & TELLER GET KILLED.
1469
01:26:39,693 --> 01:26:42,696
WE HAD TO GET KILLED
AT THE END.
1470
01:26:42,696 --> 01:26:45,199
WE WERE MARRIED
TO THAT ENDING.
1471
01:26:45,199 --> 01:26:47,701
NOW WE'VE ACTUALLY
KILLED OFF OURSELVES,
1472
01:26:47,701 --> 01:26:50,204
AND THERE'S
NO TAKING THAT BACK,
1473
01:26:50,204 --> 01:26:52,206
AND THIS WHOLE PULL BACK,
1474
01:26:52,206 --> 01:26:55,209
THIS IS NOT US
GOING TO HEAVEN.
1475
01:26:55,209 --> 01:26:57,212
I MEAN,
THOSE WERE SUICIDES,
1476
01:26:57,212 --> 01:27:00,214
FROWNED UPON
BY EVERY MAJOR WESTERN RELIGION,
1477
01:27:00,214 --> 01:27:03,217
AND ATLANTIC CITY
IS IN THE WESTERN WORLD,
1478
01:27:03,217 --> 01:27:05,719
SO PENN AND TELLER ARE DEAD.
1479
01:27:05,720 --> 01:27:06,954
HA HA HA!
1480
01:27:06,954 --> 01:27:09,956
THAT'S IT. THANKS.
HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT.
1481
01:27:09,957 --> 01:27:14,462
YOU CAN IMAGINE THE SEQUEL THING
IS KIND OF A BITCH.
1482
01:27:14,462 --> 01:27:17,631
WHY DIDN'T WE
JUST USE DIFFERENT NAMES?
1483
01:27:17,631 --> 01:27:18,966
[GUNSHOTS CONTINUE]
1484
01:27:18,966 --> 01:27:21,769
♪ TILL I FINALLY DIED ♪
1485
01:27:21,769 --> 01:27:26,941
♪ WHICH STARTED
THE WHOLE WORLD LIVING ♪
1486
01:27:29,076 --> 01:27:32,547
♪ OH, IF I'D ONLY SEEN ♪
1487
01:27:35,316 --> 01:27:39,320
♪ THAT THE JOKE WAS ON ME ♪♪
1488
01:27:39,320 --> 01:27:40,821
[GUNSHOT]
1489
01:27:40,821 --> 01:27:42,823
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY
THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING
INSTITUTE, INC.
1490
01:27:42,823 --> 01:27:44,826
CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1989
LORIMAR FILM
ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY
92331
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