All language subtitles for Eight.Days.A.Week.1997.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.1400MB.DD5.1.x264-GalaxyRG

♪ Summertime blows me away ♪

♪ And summertime I can't stay ♪

♪ It's not sensible ♪

♪ But I'm desperate ♪

♪ I'm a part of it... ♪

♪ What a find ♪

♪ I can't stay ♪

♪ It's inevitable ♪

♪ Though I can't let go ♪

♪ I will never know ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Why does all this
get the best of me? ♪

♪ September comes
and I am too hot to say ♪

♪ My heart keeps burning
for you... ♪

[Peter] This is more retarded
than when I got that
gumball stuck up my nose.

Or the time I wanted to be
the first white
Harlem Globetrotters.

And this has got to be more
embarrassing than the time

my mom walked in on me

while I was trying
to simulate vaginal friction

by rubbing my boner
between the mattress
and box springs.

[mother]
Why don't you go out and play.

It's such a beautiful day.

No. This tops it.

-And it's all because of Erica.
-[laughter]

[children giggling]

-[Peter] Erica.
-[laughter]

It sounds so much like

erotica.

And it's fitting.

She's a walking wet dream.

[water splashes]

The kind of girl
whose mere glance at you

could get your pecker
to stand up and say, "Howdy"

and not your normal,
run-of-the-mill erection.

We're talking the kind
that could be picked up
on radar.

The kind you could
hang a flag from.

[giggles]

[Peter]
Mm... and her breasts...

They must have tractor
beams in them.

They pull my hands toward them

like the death star
dragging in the millennium
falcon.

-[Peter] Oh!
-[Erica laughs]

Come on, guys! Whoo!

[children screaming, giggling]

[in an Italian accent]
If I had breasts like that
I could have ruled the world.

You are in love with her, no?

No, I'm not.

Then why are you
sitting so funny?

I don't know.

Don't be shamed.

A man is two people,
himself and his penis.

A man always takes
his friend to the party

but of the two,
the friend is nicer

because he is more able
to show his feelings.

Does this, uh,

Erica know what
you think about her?

She's got a boyfriend.

Oh. They are not lovers?

-I don't think so.
-That is good.

One pubic hair
between a man and a woman

can be stronger
than the Atlantic cable.

You're telling me.

What is your problem
with the bella?

She goes off to college
on the east coast

-in three months.
-Ahh!

Then you must declare
your love to her immediately.

-Are you crazy?
-You must.

It is the only way.

Oh, no, no, no.

She'll think I'm a spaz.

Then you prefer to sit funny
the rest of your life?

Now, listen, ragazzo,

I will you tell you a story.

It is about your great,
great grandfather

Giuseppe Luigi Bendini.

When he was a boy your age,

he was in love
with the most beautiful girl

in the village of Cascata.

But thebella,

she did not see anything
in Giuseppe.

So, one day, Giuseppe,

an enterprising young boy,

declared his love to her.

He said...

"I, Giuseppe Luigi Bendini,
love you

and to prove that
I will always be there for you

I will stand under your balcony
day and night without relent

until you fall in love with me."

[romantic Italian music]

So, Giuseppe stood
outside that balcony

day and night,

-night and day...
-[rooster crowing]

...until, finally,

his love came out to the balcony
and cried...

[mimics woman's voices]
"Giuseppe Luigi Bendini,
I love you."

So, Giuseppe climbed up to
the balcony and into her bed.

They made love so passionately

that the ground shook...

...and villagers today
still believe

that's what caused
the 1874 earthquake.

[Erica and kids laughing]

I can't do that.

[Giuseppe]
You can, my friend.

Women are like breaking
into a bank,

it takes nerve,

it takes daring,

sometimes, you need a little bit
of dynamite to blow the vault.

[Peter]
I don't know what it was.

Maybe all the benzoyl
peroxide in my zit cream

had affected my brain.

Or maybe I had a strange fetish
for humiliation

at the hands of a woman.

I could only figure
this somehow stemmed

from watching too many
episodes of Julie Newmar

as the catwoman
in all thosebatman re-runs.

But it seemed
like an audacious idea.

I decided to try it.

Peter, that is so sweet.

I was beginning to think
this just might work

when she said the most dreaded

two words
in the English language.

But Peter, we're just friends.

-[dramatic music]
-[Peter] "Just friends."

The words hit me like screaming
lead shot from a. 38.

I want to be...

[gasps]

...just friends.

-[gunshot]
-Oh!

-[gunshot]
-Oh!

-[gunshot]
-Ooh!

[Giuseppe]
It's just a flesh wound,
my friend.

It will not kill you.

Get back up and fight.

[Italian music]

I'm not going to give up
so easily.

-But Peter...
-[engine whirring]

I was rudely interrupted
by Erica's boyfriend, Nick.

[rock music blaring]

[Peter]
He's what I call
a gaping asshole.

[tires screeching]

You know, the type of guy
that's going to college

on a football scholarship.

But what bothers me most is,
he's one of those macho dicks

who's always grabbing his crotch
and adjusting his balls.

I mean, what's the deal?

He acts like he's a guard
at the Tower of London.

He's got to check
every ten seconds

to see if the crown jewels
are still there.

[hawking, spitting]

[Peter]
And how come every asshole
I know has to make that noise?

[hawking, spitting]

You can hear a symphony
of those in
any boys' locker room.

Is it like a lion roaring?

The asshole who can hawk
a loogie the loudest

-is the leader of the herd?
-[hawking, spitting]

Needless to say,
Nick has been my nemesis
since I was five.

[hawking]

[spitting]

[Erica's dad]
I forbid you to go out
dressed like that.

-Dad.
-No self-respecting
Christian girl

would be seen in public in a...

-Get in the house.
Just get in the house.
-[sighs]

[Erica's dad]
Erica...

-Erica! Erica!
-[laughs]

[Peter] Erica looked more doable
than Barbara Feldon
inGet Smart.

Erica! Erica! Get your...

[Peter]
She kissed Nick so hard

I'm sure they could have
swallowed

each other's uvulas.

[Erica's dad]
Erica, if you...

[whispering]
What the hell is his story?

[Peter]
She then proceeded to tell Nick

what I was up to.

[snickering]

[laughing]

[imitating Nick's laughter]

[Peter]
And if things
weren't hard enough

I encountered
more unexpected problems.

Our prayers have been answered.

I've been asking God
to send someone

to take her away from that
heathen boyfriend, Nick.

-You're a miracle.
-Yes.

[Peter]
Erica's dad could never
have a conversation

without quoting
some guy named Zig Ziglar,

a Christian
motivational speaker.

Frankly, I'd never be caught
dead quoting someone named Zig.

The difference between you
and that barbarian Nick

is that you--
Remember what he said,

-have a swelled heart,
not a swelled head.
-Ah.

[Peter]
I wanted to tell him that
his daughter gave me both,

but I didn't.

Peter, I thought
you might be hungry

so I brought you some cookies
I made for the church bake sale.

I wasn't all that surprised
by the cookies.

This is the same woman
who encourages
her youngest daughter, Mary,

to play with nun dolls.

Now say 50 more.

Hail, Mary, hail, Mary,
hail, Mary, hail, Mary

hail, Mary,
hail, Mary, hail, Mary...

-Thanks.
-[both] Yeah.

[Peter]
Now, let's face it.

It's a proven fact

that girls do not fall in love

with any boy
her parents actually like.

I vowed at that very moment

that I would find a way to make
her parents hate me.

I set Giuseppe to work on it.

[Italian music]

[Mary]
...Mary, hail, Mary, hail...

Go ahead, Peter, try it.

[Mary]
Mary hail, Mary, hail, Mary

and hail, Mary, hail, ma-- Mary

hail, Mary, hail, me-Mary

hail, ma-- Mary, hail, Mary...

Huh?

[Mary]
Hail, Mary, hail, ma-- Mary...

Mm...

[Mary]
...Mary, hail, Mary, hail, Ma--

hail-- ugh...

[Peter]
My dad's reaction to my plan

when he heard about it from mom

registered on the
Richter Scale at Caltech.

Peter... Peter!

Stop acting like
you don't hear me.

Peter...

[grunts and sighs]

Hell's bells. You get inside
right this instant.

I'm not leaving this spot.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

You stop listening

to your grandfather's nonsense.

He's not all there.
Now, come on.

Let go. I'm not hurting anyone.

You are acting like a fool.

-Now, come on.
-No!

-Give it up, son.
-Mom!

Listen to your father,

-Peter!
-This is ridiculous.

What will the neighbors think?

Some of them are my patients.

They might stop coming to me

if they think my son's a pervert

who stands
under young girls' windows.

-You're just--
Our entire family...
-Dad!

-[Peter's dad]
Now, let's go, Peter.
-[grandpa] I'm sorry.

[fence creaking]

Oh, oh!

My new guinea impatiens!

-I'm sorry.
-What are you doing?

-I'm sorry.
-[Peter] Good old Nonno.

I'm sorry.

Whenever a situation

calls for it

my grandfather pulls

his infirm-old-man routine.

He's saved my life
hundreds of times.

[sobbing] I'm sorry.

[Peter]
The same couldn't be said
for my best friend, Matt.

-This is my last chance.
-Look, you know,

I just don't want to see you
setting yourself up
like this, man.

I've been in love with Erica
since we were kids.

We used to play
cowboys and Indians together.

-[screams, laughs]
-When we were little

we used to do everything
together.

When you get mad at someone,
you go like this.

It was great.

It'll never work, uh-uh.

-Why not?
-'Cause we're losers.

Look, we've been picked
by genetic selection

to be the world's
biggest living proof

that this world is fucked.

How's that?

We lost the DNA lottery.

We didn't get the asshole gene.

See, we're the nice guys.

We're never going to succeed.

Only the assholes get
the girls and the dough, bro.

You've got it all figured out?

Damned straight I do.

My parents think I'm going
to college in the fall.

I'm not going to college
so I can be one of those jerks
with a degree

who ends up assistant managing
a burger king.

"Would you like fries
with that, please?" No way.

So, you're just
going to give up?

Yep.

Oh, and I suppose
you want me to give up, too.

Exactly. You got to become
comfortably numb.

You can't let anyone
or anything disappoint you.

You got to be self-sufficient.

I mean, look at me.

Do I need a girl like Erica? No.

Hey, as long as you're going
to be here all summer

mind if I use
your mailing address?

-What for?
-I sent away for something

and I don't want my mom
to accidentally open it.

So I figured
you'll be out here, you know,

you can intercept it for me

before anyone else will get it.

-Okay, I guess.
-Yes.

Hey, look, admit it.

Sometimes, you wish
you had a girlfriend.

No way.

Blockbuster, domino's pizza

rosy palm and her five friends

are all I need
for a great Saturday night.

Maybe if you're 14.

Okay. You do have a point.

Sometimes I do need
to spice up my love life
a little bit.

I'd like you to meet my date
for the evening, Peter.

You know, I read
in Barely Legalmagazine

about this guy
who got off humping fruit.

You're a sick puppy.

Ah, the sun is going to make it
nice and warm,

just like the real thing.

Well, what about the seeds?

Well, come on, I'm not
going to go down on it.

[upbeat jazzy music]

[kids chattering]

[Peter]
I amuse myself by watching
the neighborhood.

Life is my tv,

and it was a little more
interesting than network
television.

There was Mr. Mays.

My parents think he works
for the CIA or the FBI.

It's because every time
he comes home

he drives his car around
the block again and again

-to make sure
he's not being followed.
-[laughter]

There's a kid on the street
that's a pyromaniac.

[firecracker exploding]

[kid laughing]

Matt made sure
his parents had left him
alone in the house.

Bye, guys!

He then went
to the upstairs bathroom

to makeamore
with his watermelon.

And the guy across the street,

I forget his name,

but he seems so sad.

His wife has cancer.

He dutifully takes her out

for a breath of fresh air
every day.

It's a good thing
Erica isn't around.

I got a woody watching
Ms. Lewis work out
toBuns of Steel.

[Buns of Steel host]
And pull and pull and pull...

Mr. Mays put in a second lap.

The crazy lady next door
eats her dinner in the car.

-[kids fighting]
-I was dismayed to see
history repeating itself.

Maybe Matt is right.
Some people are born
with the asshole gene

and some of us aren't.

There was nothing much happening
to keep me amused at night.

At about ten,
I saw Matt go out
to the upstairs balcony.

If he had been in there
all that time

that watermelon now had more
holes in it than a wiffle ball.

Only the crazy lady was out.

She was cutting her grass.

[TV playing]

Looked like there was something
good on TV over at my house

and I wanted to watch it

but something got in the way.

So, I watered the plants
instead.

[zipper unzipping]

I figured
I should take advantage

of all the time
I had on my hands.

I vowed that if I were
to become Erica's boyfriend

I had to become the greatest
lover she had ever known.

In pursuit of that goal
I decided I would become
an expert in love.

I started by reading
The Joy of Sexuality.

It wasn't the descriptions
of the wildly uninhibited
Chinese-style sex positions

like the "wailing monkey
clasping a tree"

or "wild geese flying
on their backs"

that I found most enlightening.

It was the guy they picked
to illustrate

all the exotic conjugations.

The guy was butt-ugly!

-[moaning]
-And the girl was a babe.

This was inspiring.
I mean, if this quest for fire
reject could get laid,

why couldn't I?

[moaning]

[erotic chanting]

[car approaching]

[tires screech]

[dog barking in distance]

[door closes]

Oh, good. My parents
aren't home from church yet.

I'll meet you inside.

I'm going to have a little talk
with your friend Peter.

Okay.

[tense music]

[footsteps]

[door opens, closes]

So, you're still here, huh?

You know, I'd have thought
you'd gotten smart
and given up by now.

[hawks and spits]

Why do you guys
always make that noise?

What noise?

This noise.

[hawks loudly and spits]

I mean, you guys spit so much.

Makes you wonder
what you been sucking on.

Shut up!

Oh, what, what a demonstrative
display of masculine aggression.

Did you know
that such behavior is a sign

of latent homosexuality?

I think it's time you left.

-I'm not leaving.
-You want to fight?

I'll give you a free shot.

Go for it, my friend.

[Peter]
How could I refuse
this invitation?

-[creepy laughter]
-I was going to lose this fight

but at least I could get
one killer shot in

so I charged the prince
of darkness

then I realized my mistake.

-It was a trick!
-[muffled scream]

It felt like my nuts
had exploded

and it sounded like a pair
of water balloons dropped
off a building.

[yelling]

[Nick chuckles]

[groaning]

[laughs]
Mm, that'll teach ya, huh?

[door creaks open, closes]

[dog barking in distance]

[calm music]

[Peter] I took it as a good
sign that Erica was curious
to see if I was still there.

[birds chirping]

[Peter]
It was important
that Erica never see me

flag in my devotion
by leaving my post

but on the other hand

I didn't want to smell
like my uncle Lou

when Erica buckled
under my romantic vigilance.

So, I figured while she was
getting ready for the day

I'd pop inside
for a quick shower

and some cheerios.

What are you doing?

Changing the locks.

When you finally give up
this nonsense,

I'll let you back inside.

Dad, give me a break.

Forget it.

[dead bolt locks]

-Mom.
-[Peter's dad] Hmm.

[Peter]
This was desperate.

-[sighs]
-No food.

No water.

Nice.

And I really needed

to do some low-altitude bombing.

[William Tell Overture
by Gioachino Rossini]

I had no choice but to impose
on my best friend, Matt.

[jiggling door handle]

[Peter]
Hey, Matt, open up!

[Matt]
I'm showering, man!

The side door's open!

[William Tell Overture
continues]

[door opens, closes]

[footsteps running up stairway]

-[door opens]
-[Matt] Hey! Whoa!

What about a little privacy?

-Oh, oh, man, light a match.
-[toilet flushes]

-[Peter] Sorry.
Hey, where's your toothpaste?
-[Matt] Get out of here.

People are going to think
we're queer or something.

[footsteps running
down stairway]

[door creaks open]

[William Tell Overture
continues]

[hair dryer whirring]

What the hell are you doing?

I started reading
The Joy of Sexuality.

I checked out the part
about cunnilingus.

I wanted to make sure
I was in shape.

Mm, cunnilingus.

Yo, you been checking
out for my mail?

Nothing came yet.

Brought you some food.

-No, thanks.
-Come on. It's good.

[sighs]

[loud whirring]

Sorry about the noise, Peter,
but I'm putting locks
in all the windows.

I don't want Erica
pulling another stunt
like she did yesterday.

Man.

I wish you'd give this up, man.

Listen, I'm not so sure
I believe your theory
about the asshole gene.

Oh, come on.

Look, I mean,
it's everywhere you look.

-Hey, you want a taste?
-Yeah!

That's an isolated case.

[bully laughing]

All right. What if I told you

that even our founding
fathers were assholes?

What are you talking about?

Mm, take the Boston Tea Party
for instance,

all right?

Even with taxation

the British tea cost less
than the colonial tea

produced by those guys
like John Hancock and Sam Adams.

-No, don't do it!
-[laughing]

Mom!

-[firecracker exploding]
-[screams]

[hysterical laughter]

See, the Boston Tea Party
wasn't a political act.

It was an industrial espionage.

It was a scam
by John Hancock and Sam Adams

to put the British
out of business.

See, even our founding fathers
were a bunch of assholes.

You've got a point, uh,

but I've been
thinking about this

and I got a couple
of theories of my own.

Shoot.

Well, I think you can tell a lot
about a woman's personality

from the shape of her breasts.

[woman]
What are you getting
into right now?

-Take Mrs. Olsen,
for instance...
-What have you done?

Where did you get this?
Is that a firecracker?

[Peter]
Her boobs look
like the turret on a tank.

Her mammaries look like
they could shoot a mortar charge

and blow you to smithereens.

You can see she has the same
ironfisted personality

-that matches her hooters.
-[Mrs. Olsen] ...trouble

you have ever been in
in of your life!

All right, you got a point.

Go on.

-Now, take the crazy lady
next door.
-[whimsical music]

[Matt]
Don't give me the willies.

[Peter]
No, look, she's got mashed
potato breasts.

Dude, they're so weird.

[Peter]
Yeah, right. She's weird, too.

All right. But you know you're
just giving me easy examples.

-[Peter] All right.
Ms. Lewis.
-[Matt sighs]

Her bosoms are like melons
that have been in the
store a little too long.

You may be taking
a chance buying them

after the expiration date

but if you're lucky,
they might still be good.

She's the same way.

She's a little older,
but I bet she's a good woman.

Okay, now, what can you deduce
from Erica's breasts?

-[sighs]
-[heavenly music]

[Peter]
I've done a lot of
thinking about this.

As you can see,
her breasts are extremely firm,

so taut you expect the nipples

to blow off like a cork
out of a champagne bottle.

I see this as a reflection
of Erica's effervescent, wild,
life-is-a-party personality.

It's also self-evident
that her breasts are
on the small side.

I suspect it's going to take
centuries for them to droop

meaning that she'll always
be young at heart.

But here's something
that you may miss

upon a cursory glance.

Some women's nipples can become
hard like pink pencil erasers.

So hard that you could dial
the phone with them, you know?

These women, I suspect
are often more concerned
with the particulars in life

like avoiding laying
in the wet spot.

But with Erica,

notice how the nipple
merges almost effortlessly

with the areola...

...bringing a softness
to her nippular area.

I think this suggests
a softness of heart.

I mean, this is a girl
more concerned

with passion than particulars.

Am I right?

Matt?

Um, Pete, I got to go.

Uh, there's something
I got to do at home.

-See ya.
-[chuckles]

[dog barks]

[door creaks open, closes]

[Peter]
I'm really hungry.

Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry.

The only thing I'd eaten that
day was Matt's watermelon.

-I hadn't eaten all of it
for obvious reasons...
-[door opens]

....so I was pretty hungry
by the time Nonno
snuck out of the house.

[whimsical music]

[dramatic music]

Get down.

Nonno, what are
you doing out here?

Goal!

Goal!

Goal!

-Goal!
-Okay. Okay.

-Goal!
-Okay, okay.

Marge, your dad thinks

he's in the world cup again.

I'm not cool enough.

She's never going
to fall for me.

Standing out here
doesn't make any sense, Nonno.

It makes all the sense
in the world.

You are trying to make love
to a woman.

You must know
deep in your heart of hearts

that people are supposed
to make love.

It is our main purpose in life.

All those other activities,
uh, playing the violin

washing dishes,
reading novels, drinking wine

are just ways of passing time
until you can make love again.

Then my whole life
is passing time.

This is never going to work.

[Nonno]
This bellaErica,

she will fall for you.

Impossible.

[chuckles]

Crazier things have happened.

-Let me tell you another story.
-Oh, great.

Look at all the trouble your
last one got me into, Nonno.

It is about a young navy pilot.

He could perform incredible
maneuvers in his plane.

[imitates engine]

Then one day, he nearly crashed.

The pilot went to the doctors
and declared his problem...

...hemorrhoids,

a mass of dilated veins
in the rectum.

The doctor had them removed.

What's so romantic
about this story?

The pilot met this nurse.

Twice a day,
she would change his dressings

and apply ointment
to his traumatized sphincter.

The two got to talking.

The nurse fell
for the young pilot.

Now, if that isn't love
I don't know what is. [chuckles]

After two weeks,
the couple got married.

And if it wasn't
for a swelling anus

the two would never have met.

Now, I don't believe
anyof your stories.

[zipper unzipping]

[zipper unzipping]

[Nonno]
It's all true.

Ask your mom and dad.

-That was Mom and Dad?
-Yep.

[rock music]

♪ They laugh at me aloud
they say I'm just a clown ♪

♪ That I ain't got no pride ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ The girls look really cute ♪

♪ They really make it work ♪

♪ They think I'm just a jerk ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I never could sit still ♪

♪ I never was too hip ♪

♪ I never caught the ride ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

♪ This is where it all begins ♪

♪ I'm on the outside
lookin' in ♪

♪ Lookin' in ♪

♪ At you ♪

♪ I'm just an alien
through and through ♪

♪ Tryin' to make believe
I'm you, oh ♪

♪ Tryin' to fit ♪

♪ Just a stranger on the outside
lookin' in ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

[Peter] My massive manhood
must have been sapping
all the blood from my brain.

That's the only way I could
explain my acceptance

of this retarded,
quixotic quest.

Hours passed into days.

-[grunts]
-Nick and I got to know
each other better.

[laughs]

[hawking]

[Peter]
I had time on my hands.

I read
the entireKinsey Reports

and found out that
ten percent of all males

attempt self-fellatio

and that point 3%
actually succeed.

I had plenty of opportunity
to watch the TV of life.

[rock music]

[laughs]

All summer,
I never saw Erica wear
the same thing twice.

♪ ...my tongue is hanging out ♪

♪ For your love ♪

♪ Don't leave me hanging out ♪

♪ For your love ♪

♪ I'm just hanging out ♪

♪ For your love ♪

-[groans]
-[Peter]
And for Erica's sister,

Halloween came early.

-Now say 20 hail Marys.
-Hail Mary, hail Mary...

[Peter]
My dad couldn't figure out

why his new guinea
impatiens wouldn't grow.

-Neither could I.
-[chuckles]

I had been watering it
regularly.

-♪ I've been... ♪
-And surprisingly enough,

I earned some extra money
on the side.

Since I know that you're
going to be here all the time

I thought maybe you could
baby-sit Robert tonight.

[Peter]
Hey lady, did you ever think
that tonight might be the night

that Erica and I tried
the wailing monkey
clasping a tree act?

Erica's father took a sculpting
class that summer.

What is it?

It's baby Jesus.

I figured I'd get
a little head start

on our nativity scene
for next Christmas.

Little Jesus looked more
like an aborted fetus

but I kept my mouth shut.

-[Robert] Give me my plane.
-[boy] No!

-[cross-talk]
-Give me it.

[Peter]
I took a liking to young Robert.

My plane!

[Peter]
I was his guardian angel.

Sort of.

Next time this guy bothers you
all you have to do
is stand up to him.

All bullies are cowards.

Trust me.

Days soon passed into weeks.

The guy across the street
stopped taking his wife out.

Now he just walks
around the block alone.

I hope she's all right.

On Saturdays,
things got a little boring.

"What is the sea of galilee
called in the old testament?"

That's an easy one.

-The Sea of Kinnereth.
-Oh...

[chuckles] My turn.

"Was there any money
on Noah's ark?"

-No.
-[Erica's dad] Wrong.

The duck had a bill,
the skunk had a scent

and the frog had a green back.

[all laughing]

[Peter]
Listening to Erica's parents

play biblical pursuit

only strengthened my resolve

to find a way to piss them off
and impress my beloved.

I had Giuseppe working on it.

[TV host]
Now pull, and pull.

[Peter]
Some nights were better
than others.

[TV host]
Let's get it. Last time.

All right, ladies.
Great workout. Okay, great.

But twice a month, I would hear
the most distressing sound
I could hear...

[man grunting loudly]

The noise of my parents...
[whispers] making love.

What's up, Pete?

[grunts]

Hey, anything come in the mail
for me yet?

Nope.

-The guy across
the street has found...
-I have to do it.

-...a lady friend.
-I'm warning you, don't do it.

It wasn't until later that
I began to have suspicions

as to what the woman
was imploring him

not to do.

"Captain nemo walked ahead of us

and his herculean companion
strode a few steps behind us.

Conseil and I walked
side by side

as if a conversation
might still be possible

through our metallic helmets."

"Already, I no longer felt
the weight of my suit

of my lead-soled boots

of my air tanker, of my helmet."

More than half the summer
had passed

and everything still sucked
the big one.

I was nowhere near
my beloved objective.

-[panting]
-Finally, in august,

Erica spoke to me.

Peter?

Erica.

Hi.

I was wondering if maybe
you could help me do something?

Anything.

Well, see my parents
have grounded me

and I really want to go
see Nick tonight.

So, I was hoping
you might help me get down.

Okay.

It was against my principles

to help Erica with Nick

but this was at least a way

to talk to her.

And in that short skirt

-I caught my first glimpse
of Xanadu.
-[gasping]

Oh... [screams]

[Peter grunts]

[Erica]
My God, are you all right?

I'm... I'm fine.

"Never better" was more like it.

-And that's how Erica and I
began talking.
-I'm so sorry.

Every night, she would
sneak out to visit Nick
and I would help her.

And every night
I would find a new way

-for Erica to fall on me.
-[laughs]

Pussy galore, she was like...

[Peter]
And we talked.

She was like this tough chick.

And there is no doubt about it,

Roger Moore is by far
the best James Bond.

[Peter]
Roger Moore?

Come on.

Everybody knows Sean Connery
is the best James Bond.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Uh, Roger Moore
is the best James Bond.

My God, what was I saying?

Erica's beauty had more power
over me than I thought.

I mean, for me Sean Connery
is just way too hairy.

And it really bugs me the way...

[with a Scottish brogue]
...he talks like this.

Where's "M," miss Moneypenny?

Thank God they never
replaced Desmond Llewelyn.
He is so great as "Q."

[Peter]
Wow. Erica even knew that
Desmond Llewelyn played "Q."

Now I know I'm in love.

This may sound crazy,
but sometimes when I'm depressed

that the world is
a really terrible place

I find myself sympathizing
with the Bond villains.

-What do you mean?
-Well,

remember how Curt Jurgens
in The Spy Who Loved Me

wanted to create a perfect
society under the sea

and in MoonrakerHugo Drax
wanted to do the same in space?

-Right.
-These guys
really weren't so bad.

They were just tired of
the war, the politics, pollution

and, and wanted
to change things.

Then this handsome womanizer
who's afraid of commitment

pulls up in his fancy sports car

and messes things up
just to protect the status quo.

I mean, sometimes I wish
the world could just
start over, you know?

Wow. That's deep.

[Peter]
...nah, I think the blue M&Ms.
They were a good choice.

-[laughs] No way.
-[Peter] I talked to her
more in those few weeks

than I did the previous 14 years
I lived across the street
from her.

So, if you were to be afflicted
with either of the following

which would it be?

-Halitosis or incontinence?
-[chuckles]

Halitosis. I figure I could
always stock up on breath mints.

[laughs]
Okay, I have one for you.

Would rather lose your eyesight
or the use of both of your legs?

-That's too hard.
-No, come on.
You have to answer.

Those are the rules.

Probably, I'd lose my eyesight.

Your face is etched
into my memory.

I'd always be able to see you

and with my legs,

I could still make love to you.

[laughs]

[soft pop music]

Good night, Peter.

Bye.

[sensual music]

[zipper unzipping]

[gasps]

[grunts softly]

[dog barks]

Hey.

What's up?

All right, you promise
you're not going to laugh?

Sure.

[chuckling]

Come on, man.
You said you wouldn't laugh.

I'm sorry.

-Can I feel?
-Get off.

Look, I was trying to spice up
my love life, right,

and my parents came home
a little bit early.

They wanted to talk
to me about something

and ended up searching
all over for me.

So I figured
the best thing to do

was just get out of the house.

Here, unhook me.

Wow, you know, I don't
know how girls do this

because this thing
was a bitch to get on.

Come on.

Yeah, it's a bitch.

Here, can you hang on to it
'til I can sneak it back it in?

And stop smirking.

I'm not the first guy
that's tried this.

What does that Kinsey book
say about it?

I think maybe you should
give it a rest for a while.

You know, save some
for your true love.

Peter, remember that story
we read in seventh grade?

The one in scholastic magazine

about the heroin addict
who was so whacked out

that he pulled out his eyeballs?

They said that
the dude's eyeballs was like
hanging down below his knees

-still attached to his veins
or something like that? Yeah.
-Yeah, I remember.

It wasn't true.

They just printed that
to scare us.

Look, it's all propaganda, Pete.

Just like true love is.

You know what? You and me
ain't never going to find it.

Whoa! Did you see
that point 3% of all males

succeed in self-fellatio?

Have you noticed that
the guy across the street

-never takes his wife out
anymore?
-No.

Anything come
in the mail for me yet?

You remember
that weird conversation

we saw him having the
other day with that woman?

And she was saying... [whispers]
"Don't do it, don't do it."

[Matt]
Yeah.

Hey, maybe the other woman
is his lover, right?

And he says, "I'm going
to kill my wife."

And she says...
[with high-pitched voice]
"No, don't do it, don't do it."

You think?

Well, I know if my wife were
an invalid, I'd be that horny.

You're sick.

Come on, Pete. Everybody is.

The question is...

...what's he done with her body?

[laughs]

[hacksaw sawing]

How exactly would you go about

cutting up a dead body?

Well, that's a hacksaw.

Me...

I'd use a chain saw.

[imitating chain saw]

[dramatic music]

[Peter]
The next day,
little Robert decided

to take my advice and stand up

to the tyranny of assholes.

[rock music]

-[grunts]
-[groans]

-[laughing]
-[yelling]

-[crash]
-[Robert crying]

[Peter]
Little Robert was all right.

He only needed 40 stitches
and two casts.

But I began to wonder
whether or not I should have
tried tampering

with the cosmic order of things.

I was practicing my one-handed
technique when disaster struck.

[tires squealing]

Nick and Erica had just come
back from the lake.

Unfortunately, Erica's parents
let her out once in a while.

No, come on.
You remember in that one movie.

I mean, that just proves
that Roger Moore

is by far the best James Bond.

Erica looked great, of course.

He's all right.
I, I agree he's not bad.

But I nearly hurled at the sight
of Nick in his speedo.

He washuge.
It immediately makes you think
of the words "Apollo Rocket."

How the hell was I going
to compete with that?

I was India's space program
compared to his Cape Kennedy.

Hey, you brought
the protection, right?

The protection?
Where were her parents?

Where was Christ's vice squad
when I needed them most?

[man]
Come in, apollo 12.

We have you cleared for takeoff.

[man 2]
Roger that, mission control.

We are ready for liftoff.

We have liftoff
in ten... nine...

-eight... seven...
-[Peter] I had to do something.

I had to abort Nick's trip
to Venus.

-I did the only thing
I could think of.
-[man 2] ...two, one...

♪ O come, all ye faithful ♪

♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪

♪ O come ye, o come ye ♪

-♪ To Bethlehem... ♪
-I don't know why
this came to me.

It must have been a word
association with "come."

♪ Come and behold him ♪

♪ He, the king of Israel ♪

♪ O, come let us adore him ♪

♪ O, come let us adore him ♪

♪ O, come let us adore him ♪

♪ Christ the lord ♪

It seemed to do the trick.

[Erica]
Nick, stop.

[man]
Apollo 12,
we've had a malfunction.

Abort liftoff.

-[grunts]
-I had visions that I could

take Nick out
with my expert knowledge

of the martial arts.

[high-pitched scream]

Finish him.

But that's not what happened.

Towering above me Nick hawked
the biggest loogie ever.

I trembled, knowing
it was intended for me.

Oh, my God.

You stuff.

[laughs] You stuff!

If you tell anybody,
you're dead.

[laughs]

[man]
Houston, we have liftoff.

[dramatic music]

[people chattering]

Dad, what are you doing?

Having a yard sale.

-This is my stuff.
-Well, since you don't live

with us anymore,
didn't figure you needed it.

Hey, hey, how much for
the Sandy Koufax baseball card?

Uh, what... 25 cents?

That's a collector's edition.

It's worth 50 bucks.

Really?

25 cents, not a cent less.

[chuckles] Sold.

Mom...

Oh, how much for
the electric toothbrush?

For you a special price,

-a buck.
-Yeah.

-There you go.
-Thank you.

Matt, what are you doing?

I use one of these
at my grandma's.

If you do it right

it feels just like a vibrator.

[speaks in Italian]
What the hell are you doing

-with your boy's things?
-[Peter's dad]
They're not his things.

I'll give you five bucks
for this collection of Playpens.

-[stutters] I'll give you six.
-You're not a customer.

-And you have no right
to sell Peter's things.
-The pages are, like, sticky.

-You have no right.
-This is disgusting.

-Okay, okay, four bucks.
-No, you have no right.

-Four bucks.
-Four bucks?

-I'll take it.
-[Nonno] No, no.

You have no right! You--

[gasping]

Papa?

Nonno? What's happening?

-[grunts]
-What's the matter?

-Are you all right?
-Papa!

Okay, okay. Give the man
some room. Come on.

-[cross-talk]
-[Peter] Good old Nonno.

He saved the best trick
in his arsenal for now.

He was so convincing

I almost believed he was
having a heart attack.

Yard sale's over.

[Peter's mom]
Papa, speak to me!

[whispering]
Good one, Nonno.

[Peter's dad]
Is anyone a doctor?

Please, we need some help here.

-[Peter's mom]
What's happening here?
-[Peter's dad] I don't know...

What is wrong? Daddy?

-He's not breathing.
-What do you mean
he's not breathing?

He doesn't have a pulse.
Somebody call 911!

-Somebody call 911!
-Please call 911!

-Nonno.
-[Peter's dad] Do it now!

-Hurry! Hurry!
-[Peter's mom] Oh, God.
Oh, no, no.

-[crying]
-Nonno?

Tell them you're
faking. Come on.

-Come on, Nonno.
-Are you faking, Daddy?
He's not faking.

He's not faking.

Papa? Papa, speak to me.

[sobbing]

Oh, no!

[crying]

[Peter]
I didn't stand
under Erica's window

for the next couple of days.

I figured I was allowed.

My Dad blamed me
for what happened.

He said if I still decided
to continue with my lunacy

he would continue
to lock me out.

With an asshole like my Dad
I'm surprised

-that I didn't inherit
the asshole gene.
-[Erica] Peter...

Is that what I think it is?

Jesus. I'm getting excited

right after my grandfather's
own funeral.

You must think I'm sick.

I just think it means Nonno's
spirit runs strong in you.

[romantic music]

[kids screaming]

Hey, brought back
your electric toothbrush.

-How thoughtful.
-You know, it doesn't vibrate
as good as I thought it would.

-Here, feel.
-No. I'm not touching that

let alone putting it
in my mouth.

-I washed it off, I swear.
-Just keep it.

You're just in a crappy mood
'cause you realize
this Romeo act

is a dumb-ass idea.

I haven't decided
whether to give this up yet.

Erica was so sweet today

you could have poured her
over pancakes...

...but she hasn't given me
any indication

that I have a chance with her.

Well, I'll tell you,
the fact that Nick's giving her

the old roto-rooter
ain't a good sign.

Nonno was the only one who
thought this was a good idea.

Maybe I should just
bite the big one

and call it quits.

Bite away, my friend.

[kids screaming]

[dramatic music]

[yelling]

[groaning]

[children laughing]

You see? Nice guys
don't always finish last.

You're not going
to give up now, are you?

[cheering]

No.

Oh, man,
your grandfather croaked

and it was your perfect out.

[Peter]
I started reading Casanova.

I didn't know he got
syphilis five times.

I should be so lucky.

All the excitement
of the past days

has completely lobotomized me

to what was going on
across the street

until I saw my man carry out

some suspicious bags

and put them
in the trunk of his car.

[suspenseful music]

[engine starting]

A couple of nights later,
I had an unexpected visitor.

It was Ms. Lewis,

the pretty divorcee
from down the street.

Her body was smoldering
like a lit cigarette.

[sensual music]

Hello, Peter.

Ms. Lewis.

I was hoping
you could cut my grass.

I'm not mowing lawns this year.

I'll make it worth your while

and you won't have to bag it.

I can't.

What am I to do?

It needs to be cut
at least twice a week.

It grows... so... fast.

[Peter]
She was coming on to me.

I was paralyzed.

I didn't know what to do.

Fortunately, I didn't have
to do anything.

She did it all.

I thought,
this might be my chance.

If Erica comes to the balcony
and sees me with another woman

she'll be jealous.

Stay away from him. He's my man.

[Peter]
Then I had the fear that Erica
was just the type of girl

who would enjoy watching.

I decided to put my all into it.

If Erica saw how good I was,
she would want me even more.

[crowd cheering]

But I also worried
she might be as harsh

on my performance
as an east German judge.

[crowd booing]

What was I doing?
If Erica sees me like this

I will jeopardize all
I had worked for all summer.

I had to stop, but Ms. Lewis...

-[zipper unzipping]
-...was most persuasive.

How could I tell her no now?

I tried to think
of anything other than sex.

-[crash]
-[pig grunts]

[woman screams]

[moaning softly]

[breathing heavily]

What happened?

I don't know.

Maybe now is not a good time.

Perhaps it's...

...perhaps it's 'cause
I've been trying

-to get this girl to notice me.
-[sighs]

Yes, I know.

[sighs] I know all about it.

It's what makes you so exciting.

-[sighs]
-I'm sorry.

[Matt]
Hey.

[grunts]

What happened to you?

I tried to become part
of that point 3%.

-[grunts]
-What do you mean?

[sighs] Your Kinsey Reports.

I tried to suck myself off
and I hurt my neck.

Now I've got to wear
this stupid thing.

Hey, anything come
in the mail for me yet?

-Nope.
-What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

Something's wrong.

Nothing's wrong.

Yes, there is.

See, normally,
you would have asked me

if I succeeded in
my venture of self-fellatio.

But you didn't ask that.

Well, did you?

I will only tell you

when you tell me what's wrong.

[sighs]

Okay.

I succeeded.

You didn't.

Yeah. Only for a second, though,

before I snapped
something in my neck.

Did you know it tastes
like roast beef?

Which I actually
found reassuring.

See, I always thought that girls
must hate giving head.

But if you think about it,

it's kind of like
a trip to the sizzler.

Come on, tell me
what's bothering you.

I'm running out of time.

Erica leaves for college
in a couple of weeks.

I'm beginning to think
this isn't going to work.

She probably thinks
I'm even more of a schmuck
than before, you know?

Yeah, well, I told you so.

I don't need to hear that
from you.

You're supposed to be my friend.

I was just trying to give you
some good advice.

Good advice.

Why would I take advice
from a guy who broke his neck

trying to suck his own dick?

Because I am enterprising.

Ah-ah.

[Peter] There was one thing
I hadn't tried yet
to become Erica's love slave

and that was impressing her
by pissing her parents off.

Giuseppe had been working
on a plan.

We were just waiting
for the right opportunity.

Finally, it presented itself.

Erica's father and his
friends were competing

for some easter pageant contest

one where 12 guys in
bedsheets hold a pose

of Leonard da Vinci's
last supper

for over five minutes.

The team with the best
tableau gets to perform it

at the national cathedral
for the president or something.

[Catholic music]

Darn it, Phil. You moved.

I couldn't help it.
I had an itch.

We were only two minutes
and 13 seconds into it.

We have to hold it
over twicethat long

if we stand any chance at
all to win this thing.

Well, it's easy for you.

You get to rest your elbows
on the table.

Try holding your arms out
like this for five minutes.

Erica's father
it's not that hard.

Yeah, then, you try it.

Why do you get to be Jesus
every year?

Because I organize this thing.
I'm the leader.

Well, I'm tired of playing Judas
all the time.

Come on, Phil,
you make a great Judas.

What is that supposed to mean?

And where do you think
you're going, young lady?

Nick got tickets
to Lollapalooza. So we're going.

Well, don't you remember?
I banned you from going out.

-[sighs] Well, can't you make
an exception this one time?
-No.

You're not leaving this house.

[Erica]
Dad, what are you talking about?

-This is not fair.
-[Peter's dad] Nobody said

-growing up was fair.
-It is time, my friend.

You're treating me like I'm ten!

You're acting like you're ten!

No, I don't usually do this
but it is my res--

Let her go.
Or the baby Jesus gets it.

Peter, what...?

I mean it.

[dog barking]

[voice shaking]
I cannot have you
desecrate the baby Jesus.

All right, Erica, you may go.

Now, give him to me.

I'll give him back
at the end of the summer

when Erica leaves for college.

It's not fair you keep her
locked up in here.

Why, you...

-Get him!
-[clamoring]

[laughing]

[men gasping]

[all groan]

[snickering]

So, how do you think
Jesus really feels

about having his name on
all those bumper stickers?

[car door closing]

[car departing]

[dog barking in distance]

So, my father's pretty pissed.

Yeah.

You didn't have
to do that, you know.

I wanted to.

Thanks.

[chuckles]

Well, good night.

[creaking]

-[rock music plays on radio]
-What?

She only gave you
a peck on the cheek
after what you did for her?

I know. What does that mean?

Well, I'll tell you
what it means.

It means you ain't never
going to make

the beast with two backs
with her, my friend.

I don't know.
We've been talking a lot lately.

Yeah, sure.
You're in the friends zone.

-Is that bad?
-Bad? It's the worst.

Come on,
girls don't want a friend.

They want a human piston.

Well, maybe I still got a chance

of becoming her human
piston,as you put it.

We're not that good of friends.

Are you kidding me? You're doing
life in the friends zone.

-You think so?
-I knowso.

So, um, what's up with our,
uh, psycho killer over there
across the street?

Well, I snuck over there
the other night

to take a peek
at what he was up to.

-He nearly caught me.
-See, I told you.

-I knew it. The guy's nuts.
-I'm not so sure.

The past couple of nights
I've seen him take
several garbage bags out

-filled with something.
-Bet you he was taking his
wife out, piece by piece.

That's a lot of bags
for just one person.

Maybe he was taking
out his whole family.

I know I've thought
about it myself.

I don't think he has any family.

Oh! It's here, man! [laughs]

-There you go.
-[laughing] Yes, it's here!

-It's finally here!
-What's finally here?

It's an Orgasmatron.

I ordered it in shaved magazine.
Check it out. See?

It runs on battery or A.C.

It's a new era, Pete.

Look, you know
they have a name now

for electronic sex?

What's that?

"Dildonics."

Pretty cool, ah-ah?

Dildonics.

It kind of makes you
sound like a homo.

Wow.

I never thought of it like that.

Anyway, it's a bold,
new frontier, man.

I'll let you borrow it
any time you want.

Hmm...

[sucking]

-That's okay.
-Listen, with the way
things are going with you

you may want to consider
my plan of self-sufficiency.

[sucking]

[slurping]

Ha! Whoa!

[Peter]
The friends zone had
an incredible hold on me.

I couldn't escape
its hellish grasp.

So, who would you rather be,
Paul McCartney or John Lennon?

That's obvious, John Lennon.

-Yeah, but you'd be dead now.
-So what?

At least I'd be the coolest
of all The Beatles.

I don't know.
He did marry Yoko Ono.

I think people underestimate
Paul McCartney.

I mean, he's written
some pretty good music.

Like "Ebony and Ivory"?

Okay, you're right.

You know, I don't think it'd be
so hard being a songwriter.

-Oh, yeah?
-I mean, if you're a novelist

you have to come up with
every sentence and every word.

If you're a businessman,
your reports have to be

well thought out with real sound
financial conclusions, right?

-Right.
-But if you're a songwriter

and you can't figure out
how to end a song

you just fade out.

It's easy.

Yeah, you're right.

What other job let's you
finish it up by just fading out?

A film director.

[Peter]
So, it went on like this.

Maybe Erica was right
we were "just friends."

So, you never told me.

What's the worst thing
your parents ever did to you?

I guess the worst thing
my dad ever did was

speak at career day
to my third-grade class.

He talked for over half an hour

about the joys
of being a radiologist

and then proceeded
to treat the entire class

to a chocolate barium.

That's bad.

[laughing]

So, what about you?

It must've been
the time I was five.

My dad and I were at
the lighthouse Christian store.

It was January and he was buying
Christmas cards.

He always does that,
buys Christmas cards in January

when the previous year's
selection go on sale.

Anyway, I had just learned
to count

so I was always counting things,

you know, like the number
of stoplights

on the way to the store,
stuff like that.

When the cashier gave my dad
his change back, I had noticed

that she had given him
the wrong amount.

She'd given him too much...

And I looked up at my dad
and he had noticed, too.

But he didn't do anything.

He just took the money

and put it in his wallet
and we left.

Wow.

It was right then, I guess,

that I stopped believing
my parents were perfect people.

[dog barking in distance]

Well,

good night, Peter.

Night.

If Erica had lost all trust
in her parents

how could she trust anything?

How could she trust
that I loved her?

I was beginning
to think Matt was right.

I had tried everything
to win over my beloved Erica,
but nothing had worked.

Nothing was going to work.

All it had done was strand me
in the friends zone

like Charlton Heston
being marooned

in thePlanet of the Apes.

-I was so unhappy...
-[moaning]

...whereas my best bud Matt

had fallen in love with a robot

which gives blow jobs.

-[Orgasmatron sucking]
-[Matt moaning]

Maybe I was the strange one,
not him.

At least he was happy.

-[Matt screaming]
-[electric buzzing]

My dick!

My dick!

[opera music]

Here, you try.

-It's silly.
-So what? It's fun.

It'll make you feel
like a kid again.

Now, go on!

That's it.

Go! Have fun.

[music continues]

[music continues]

You know,
everybody thinks you're crazy.

So what?

Well, I mean, you got to admit

you do some pretty weird things.

I don't think so.

Well,

explain why you sometimes go
out to your car and eat dinner.

My car radio gets
better reception

than the one on my stereo.

I go out there
to listen to my opera.

What about doing your gardening
in a scuba mask?

I love to garden,
but I'm allergic to pollen.

It's the only way
I can work in the yard

without having
my eyes all tear up.

Okay,

but admit it,

cutting your grass in the middle
of the night...

...it's a little strange.

With this humidity?

Night time's the only sane
time to cut the grass.

What about sitting
on your roof with the telephone?

[laughing] Oh, that.

My best friend Mabel lives

just a couple of blocks
away from here.

She's going senile,
but she won't admit it

and she insists
on driving her car.

So, when she's coming over
to visit, I go up on my roof.

I can see her back
out of her driveway

and, if she makes a wrong turn
I call her on her car phone
and give her directions.

Voila!

It all makes sense.

Everything does.

It just depends on
your perspective.

[air hissing]

This is the worst day
of my life.

The Orgasmatron shorted out
on me...

...gave my penis
an electric shock.

You didn't like that?

No, you don't understand, okay?

I can't get it up anymore.

It doesn't work.

Just leave it alone
for a little while.

I'm sure it just needs
a little R&R.

Yeah, I know, I tried that.

I waited all morning
and then tried it again.

It still doesn't work.

I can't even get it to go
to half-mast.

Hey, what if you're right?
What if a guy only has
a finite number of erections

and I've used all mine up?

Well, what are you going to do?

I do have an emergency
plan for such an event

but, uh,
I'm going to need your help.

No way, man.

It's too weird for me.

Come on, man.

Look, it's nothing
like that, okay?

I got some money saved up
and there's this lady
on the boulevard, right?

Let's just say
she's an experienced lady.

For 100 bucks,
she'll do it any way you want.

What do you need me for?

I can't do this alone.
I need you to go with me.

Now, I got $150 saved up.

Hey, we can work
a two-for-one deal.

No way.

Come on, man.

I'll even take sloppy seconds.

-Just forget it.
-[sighs]

I've only got a few days
left to win Erica's love.

Even if she doesn't
fall in love with me

I've decided to stick it out
until the end of the summer.

That way, I know
I've tried everything.

Please, man.

Come on, man, it's an emergency.

I need your help.

I can't.

What kind of friend are you?

I mean, you spend
our last great summer together

standing under some
stupid girl's window

and do I say a word
about it to you?

No, not once...

But, then, when I need you

in the middle of
the biggest crisis

of my entire life

you don't even consider it?

You're a dickwad, you know that?

Yeah, no wonder Erica
doesn't like you.

Take it back.

No. No.

You know what?
You're an ass-wipe

and she's never
going to love you.

-Take it back!
-No! Come on!

Yeah, yeah, take it back!

-No!
-Yeah, yeah!

Come here!

Ow! My neck, man!

Come on! My neck!

Get off!

-[thud]
-[groaning]

Pretty stupid, too, pal.
[chuckling]

[Peter]
Maybe I was stupid.

That afternoon
my dad gave me proof

that I have inherited
this trait from him.

I had just finishedCasanova

and had begun reading the
love poems of Robert Browning

and his wife
Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

She's the one who wrote,
"How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways..."

Anyway, it was
my parents' anniversary

and my father made the mistake
of getting the wrong gift.

[Jazz music]

[Peter's dad]
I'm sorry, honey.

♪ Life was good... ♪

[Peter]
My dad tried to salvage
the situation

by rushing out
to the jewelry store.

[car engine starting]

But that wasn't enough.

When he came home,

he was in for a big surprise.

♪ I saw a change ♪

♪ In the heart of love ♪

♪ Under a liar's moon... ♪

Honey, come on,
let me in, please?

Sweetheart, I, I got you
another present, see?

♪ You tell me that you love me ♪

♪ But you don't get my style ♪

♪ You just don't care ♪

♪ And I care too much ♪

♪ I'm under a liar's... ♪

May I join you?

Guess so.

[Peter]
I always thought
my dad was pretty lame.

What did it say about me
now that my dad was using
my strategy to win Erica

to score points with mom?

[dog barking in distance]

I hoped my dad would have
more luck with my mom

than I was having with Erica.

He was beginning to get
on my nerves.

You ever tried that one on Mom?

No.

How about that?

No.

You've been married 18 years,
you haven't tried that?

Uh, that area's
a big mystery to me.

I've, I've never been
able to figure it out.

No wonder she's so mad at you.

Do you really think
she wants that?

Of course, she does.

You read what the book says.

Thanks, Peter.

[soft music]

[sensual music]

[thudding]

[glass shatters]

[moans]

[moaning passionately]

[moaning continues]

[louder moaning]

[Peter]
Jesus Christ!

Now even my dad was getting
more action than I was.

[car door closes]

Hey-ho, Peter.

[humming]

-What's this?
-This is breakfast.

But I thought that...

Look, I was all wrong
about all this.

I'm... I'm very sorry.

Oh, and, uh, here's
a copy of the house key.

You can come back inside
anytime you want.

Thanks.

[sighing]

And, son...

I love you.

[Peter]
You know the sad man
across the street?

You know, the one
who pushes his wife around

in the wheelchair all the time?

Well, I don't see her
around there anymore,

like she's, she's gone.

And I've been watching
them all summer

and secretly,
he's been taking things

in and out of the house.

Wait, so you think
he killed his wife?

Yeah.

That's bull.

-I don't believe that.
-Yeah?

Well, why don't you
go over there

and check it out?

'Cause I got better things to do

than prowl around
some guy's backyard.

I dare you to go.

Oh, I'm not going over there.

I almost got caught last time.

I dare you both.

Look, we'll all go.

[Peter]
So, we crossed the street

to find out what happened
to the man's wife.

Making sure we didn't get
run over by Mr. Mays.

-[whispers] It's locked.
Come on.
-Erica, wait.

All right, all right.

-No, don't open the door, don't.
-It's unlocked.

[ominous music]

-Go...
-[man clears throat]

I knew you'd come back.

You want to see what's inside?

Want to see what I've done?

I'll show you what I've done.

[whimpering]

-No, no, no! No, no.
-No! No! No!

[vehicle approaches]

[thudding]

[groaning]

-Please, no...
-You've been waiting
all summer long.

-[Erica] Relax, relax.
-[Peter] No, we haven't.

No. Let us go.

Come on, we didn't do anything!

-Get in the swimming pool.
-[cross-talk]

[Erica screams]

[shrieks]

[hearty laughter]

This... this is what I've done.

You built a swimming pool
in your living room?

No, not just a swimming pool.

[tropical music playing]

[man]
I built paradise.

A tropical... paradise.

Honey...

What's going on?

Nothing, my dear.

Just some guests.

My wife and I...

...wanted to go back to Tahiti

for our second honeymoon.

But then...

...she got so sick...

...she really loves the water,
you see?

I wanted to build a pool
in our backyard,

but the city wouldn't give me
the permit in time.

So...

I built it here, secret.

For her...

So that my love and I...

...can go back to paradise.

You won't tell anyone, will you?

"Where the apple reddens,
never pry

lest we lose our Edens,
Eve and I."

[soft rock music]

Hi.

Hi.

So, listen, um...
I'm leaving tomorrow.

Where you going?

You're not going to believe this

but, uh, I decided
I'm going to go to college.

Right.

Good.

Erica's leaving
for college, too.

Uh-huh.

Where is she?

She's with Nick.

He broke his leg.

-Too bad.
-Yeah.

Lost his football scholarship.

Mm, like I said, too bad.

[chuckles]

So, um, I guess
I won't be seeing you around.

No, um... I guess not.

Peter, listen...

...I, I was kind of hoping that

we could spend
my last day here together.

Elliot's having this party

and I thought, you know,
maybe we could go.

Sounds good...

...but what if Erica,

-you know...?
-Yeah. Erica.

Well, I'll, um, I'll see you.

Screw Erica.

What?

I said

screw Erica.

I mean, if she's not willing
to give me a chance by now
then she's nuts.

No other man would go
through what I did for her.

If that love isn't good
enough for her, well, so be it.

I mean, there are plenty
of other beautiful

mature women that want me.

I even passed up a night
with Ms. Lewis for Erica.

You passed up
"melon breasts" Lewis?

If she doesn't love me by now,
then I don't love her.

Besides, she even thinks
Roger Moore

is the best James Bond.

Huh?

Come on, let's go.

All right.

[Matt]
So, listen,
did I, uh, tell you

I revised my theory
on self-sufficiency?

I'm against it now.
It's a little lonely.

Peter?
Peter, I need to talk to you.

Peter?

[dog barking]

Peter?

[calm music]

[Ms. Lewis]
Hi, Peter.

[Peter]
Hi, Ms. Lewis.

What have you boys been up to?

[Peter]
Well,

we just got back from a party.

Now everybody's
going off for college

so it was the last hurrah.

Oh. Sounds like fun.

Would you boys like to come in
for a cup of

hot cocoa?

Uh... No, thanks.

This is my friend, Matt.

Ah-ah.

Hi!

Hi.

I would, uh,

love a cup of cocoa.

♪ ...but I can't get you
out of my heart ♪

♪ Come on in ♪

♪ When the birds sing
all about you ♪

♪ The saddest harmony ♪

♪ Is always to part... ♪

Ah-ah.

♪ ...with you ♪

♪ You change everything
that's blue... ♪

[Matt]
It works.

It actually works!

Ah-ah!

It works!

[music fades]

Erica?

Peter.

I missed you.

["Ode to Joy" by Beethoven]

[music intensifies]

[music continues]

[rattling]

[Peter]
So, that's my story.

It's all true

give or take
a few minor details.

My grandfather was right.

I now know in my heart of hearts

that people
are supposed to make love.

It is our main purpose in life.

All those other activities,

playing the violin,
washing dishes

reading novels, drinking wine,

are just ways of passing time
until you can make love again.

["Ode to Joy" by Beethoven]

["On The Outside"
by Oingo Boingo]

♪ They laugh at me aloud ♪

♪ They say I'm just a clown ♪

♪ That I ain't got no pride ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ The girls look really cute ♪

♪ They really make it work ♪

♪ They think I'm just a jerk ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I never could sit still ♪

♪ I never was too hip ♪

♪ I never caught the ride ♪

♪ I'm on the outside
I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

♪ This is where it all begins ♪

♪ Right here ♪

♪ On the outside looking in ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I never was a punk ♪

♪ I never shot junk
I never even tried ♪

♪ Counter culture
passed me right by ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ Don't talk to debutantes ♪

♪ Don't eat in restaurants ♪

♪ The patrons sit and stare ♪

♪ The waiters make
wisecracks behind my back ♪

♪ The teachers there in school
They flunked me by the rule ♪

♪ They say I had no motivation
brains or dedication ♪

♪ I guess
the imbeciles were right ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

♪ This is where it all begins ♪

♪ On the outside looking in ♪

♪ Looking in ♪

♪ At you ♪

♪ Just an alien
through and through ♪

♪ Tryin' to make believe
I'm you ♪

♪ Tryin' to fit ♪

♪ Just a stranger
on the outside looking in ♪

♪ Disco makes me sick ♪

♪ I wear the wrong clothes ♪

♪ I say the wrong things ♪

♪ You know I can't dance
my feet are much too wide ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ You think you set the trends ♪

♪ You wear your hair
just right ♪

♪ Your clothes are
out of sight ♪

♪ Your house
is modern early kitsch ♪

♪ You get so macho
when you're with your bitch ♪

♪ I see them go to work
I see them go to sleep ♪

♪ I see them on TV ♪

♪ I see them laugh and cry ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside... ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ This is where it all begins ♪

♪ On the outside looking in ♪

♪ Looking in ♪

♪ At you ♪

♪ Just an alien
through and through ♪

♪ Tryin' to make believe
I'm you ♪

♪ Tryin' to fit ♪

♪ Just a stranger
on the outside looking in ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪