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1
00:00:03,700 --> 00:00:07,235
18 sheets of drywall just
sitting on the street.
2
00:00:07,237 --> 00:00:08,436
And now they're mine.
3
00:00:09,105 --> 00:00:11,373
I think I'm gonna build
a recording studio.
4
00:00:11,375 --> 00:00:12,840
Anyway, what's new with you?
5
00:00:12,842 --> 00:00:17,178
Well, I recently came into
some big meerkat facts.
6
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:21,002
Did you know meerkats
are more than mere cats?
7
00:00:21,004 --> 00:00:22,603
That's not a fact, it's a joke
8
00:00:22,605 --> 00:00:25,473
from your latest issue of
National Geographic Teen.
9
00:00:25,474 --> 00:00:26,809
And you already told it to me.
10
00:00:26,810 --> 00:00:28,209
- I did?
- Yes.
11
00:00:28,211 --> 00:00:30,278
Tell me something new with you.
12
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,613
Uh...
13
00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:34,282
Oh. I got laid last night.
14
00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:37,685
And it was the best sex of my life.
15
00:00:37,687 --> 00:00:39,086
I was there.
16
00:00:39,088 --> 00:00:41,355
But I agree. I really outdid myself.
17
00:00:41,356 --> 00:00:43,826
Surely you've done something
I don't know about.
18
00:00:43,827 --> 00:00:45,959
A moth laid eggs in my ear.
19
00:00:45,961 --> 00:00:48,029
You showed me. Anything else?
20
00:00:48,031 --> 00:00:50,031
Hmm...
21
00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:53,767
Oh, I heard about 18 sheets of drywall
22
00:00:53,769 --> 00:00:55,169
just sitting on the street.
23
00:00:55,171 --> 00:00:56,638
You heard that from me.
24
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:59,440
- [CHAIR SCRAPING]
- Couldn't help eavesdropping.
25
00:00:59,442 --> 00:01:01,575
I'm also on a crappy date.
26
00:01:01,577 --> 00:01:04,378
Oh, stop frowning.
We're still gonna smush.
27
00:01:04,379 --> 00:01:07,249
Anyway, listen, a relationship,
like all living things,
28
00:01:07,250 --> 00:01:10,784
is precious and...
and needs room to breathe.
29
00:01:10,786 --> 00:01:13,454
But being around each other
all the time is like...
30
00:01:13,456 --> 00:01:15,323
Well, it's like only breathing in.
31
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:16,790
And that's impossible.
32
00:01:16,792 --> 00:01:19,060
Are you sure, Mr. R?
33
00:01:19,062 --> 00:01:23,264
[INHALING DEEPLY]
34
00:01:23,266 --> 00:01:24,866
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
35
00:01:24,868 --> 00:01:26,600
He's absolutely right.
36
00:01:26,601 --> 00:01:28,070
Please continue with your metaphor.
37
00:01:28,071 --> 00:01:30,204
What you two need is breathing room,
38
00:01:30,206 --> 00:01:32,806
some space to get a little mystery back.
39
00:01:32,808 --> 00:01:34,008
Some space?
40
00:01:34,009 --> 00:01:35,277
Is that what you want, babe?
41
00:01:35,278 --> 00:01:37,679
I think that will be good for us.
42
00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,813
[COUGHING]
43
00:01:39,815 --> 00:01:41,215
Just spit it out.
44
00:01:41,217 --> 00:01:43,217
That potato was a turnip.
45
00:01:43,219 --> 00:01:46,254
Let's go, babe. It's smush o'clock.
46
00:01:49,759 --> 00:01:52,659
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
47
00:01:52,694 --> 00:01:55,897
? I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
48
00:01:55,899 --> 00:01:58,900
? The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ?
49
00:01:58,902 --> 00:02:03,571
? And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ?
50
00:02:05,441 --> 00:02:08,776
? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
51
00:02:08,778 --> 00:02:11,379
- ? Good... ?
- ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
52
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:12,431
Aah!
53
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:17,151
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
54
00:02:18,321 --> 00:02:19,453
[BRAKES SQUEAK]
55
00:02:19,455 --> 00:02:21,723
I don't want to go in alone.
56
00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:24,325
You gotta go alone so
you can make a friend.
57
00:02:24,327 --> 00:02:27,661
A friend is the first step to
giving us that space we need.
58
00:02:27,663 --> 00:02:30,331
But my friends always
just disappear anyway.
59
00:02:30,333 --> 00:02:33,267
Not all of them, what about, uh...
60
00:02:33,269 --> 00:02:34,402
Todd Whatshisnuts?
61
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:36,137
Ted Whatshisnuts.
62
00:02:36,139 --> 00:02:38,540
He turned into a ghost
just like the rest.
63
00:02:38,542 --> 00:02:41,409
We've been over this.
The term is "ghosted."
64
00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:43,210
Your friends ghosted you.
65
00:02:43,212 --> 00:02:45,647
Still sounds spooky.
66
00:02:49,285 --> 00:02:52,286
Do you believe in
friendship at first sight
67
00:02:52,288 --> 00:02:54,288
or should I walk by again?
68
00:02:54,290 --> 00:02:56,557
[CHUCKLES] Bro, that's a good one.
69
00:02:56,559 --> 00:02:58,092
But I'm already spoken for.
70
00:02:58,094 --> 00:02:59,627
My friendship bracelet.
71
00:02:59,629 --> 00:03:01,295
Bro, this bro brahthering you
72
00:03:01,297 --> 00:03:04,599
about your brotiful
friendship brocelet, bro?
73
00:03:07,103 --> 00:03:08,970
[BRAKES SQUEAK]
74
00:03:08,972 --> 00:03:10,571
A playground?
75
00:03:10,573 --> 00:03:14,576
I dunno, babe,
those metal slides look really hot.
76
00:03:14,578 --> 00:03:16,844
I read on yahoo that
single dads at the park
77
00:03:16,846 --> 00:03:20,181
are lonely as hell and
dying to make friends.
78
00:03:20,984 --> 00:03:22,249
Which one's yours?
79
00:03:22,251 --> 00:03:23,651
Oh I don't have a kid.
80
00:03:23,653 --> 00:03:26,320
But I'd love to see more of yours
81
00:03:26,322 --> 00:03:28,523
if we start hanging out.
82
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:31,859
[CELL DOOR CLANGS]
83
00:03:31,927 --> 00:03:34,662
No one in here even
wants to be my friend.
84
00:03:34,664 --> 00:03:37,398
All they want to talk
about is this race war
85
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,200
that I guess is coming.
86
00:03:39,202 --> 00:03:41,402
Did you know about this?
87
00:03:41,807 --> 00:03:45,340
GREG: The unthinkable has happened.
88
00:03:45,341 --> 00:03:48,343
The Guinness record holder for
the world's longest fingernails
89
00:03:48,344 --> 00:03:50,344
died today when the hot air balloon
90
00:03:50,345 --> 00:03:51,946
he was riding in was punctured after
91
00:03:51,947 --> 00:03:54,415
he flashed the peace
sign to gawkers below.
92
00:03:54,417 --> 00:03:56,684
Gee, Mom, your nails are pretty long,
93
00:03:56,685 --> 00:03:59,221
maybe you could be the next
long-nail Guinness freak.
94
00:03:59,222 --> 00:04:01,689
I have always wanted to be remembered
95
00:04:01,691 --> 00:04:03,357
in the anals of history.
96
00:04:03,359 --> 00:04:05,359
And you've always wanted to be a freak.
97
00:04:05,361 --> 00:04:08,962
I'm gonna combine my two life goals.
98
00:04:08,963 --> 00:04:10,899
In business news,
Exxon is set to develop
99
00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:13,301
a gasoline-powered electric chair.
100
00:04:13,303 --> 00:04:16,638
[GRUNTS] I stockpiled prenatal vitamins
101
00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,773
when I was pregnant with Steve,
but I forgot to take them.
102
00:04:19,775 --> 00:04:22,243
Steve, that's why
you have brittle bones.
103
00:04:22,245 --> 00:04:26,514
They make hair and
nails grow crazy fast.
104
00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:30,652
Go, Mom, go!
105
00:04:30,654 --> 00:04:31,753
Aah-ha-ha!
106
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:35,640
You got off to a rocky start,
107
00:04:35,642 --> 00:04:38,043
but I have a good feeling about today.
108
00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:40,612
You. Dodgeball. Make friend.
109
00:04:42,625 --> 00:04:45,628
Watch where you're going, jerk.
110
00:04:45,629 --> 00:04:47,385
I'm no jerk. I'm pretty nice.
111
00:04:47,386 --> 00:04:49,522
I'm sorry,
I'm just tense because my wife's
112
00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:51,590
making me play dodgeball
to make friends.
113
00:04:51,591 --> 00:04:52,925
But I don't wanna make friends.
114
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:54,992
Me neither. These wives.
115
00:04:54,994 --> 00:04:56,928
I'd rather be watching meerkats.
116
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:58,329
I love meerkats.
117
00:04:58,330 --> 00:05:00,599
Did you know that a group
of meerkats is called a mob?
118
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,535
That explains my stupid favorite shirt.
119
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:06,538
[CHUCKLES]
120
00:05:06,539 --> 00:05:08,741
Would you want to ditch
this dodgeball game
121
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,742
and go not be friends together?
122
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:13,611
Uh, are meerkats immune
to most types of venom?
123
00:05:13,613 --> 00:05:15,146
- Are they?
- Yeah they are.
124
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:17,282
Oh, no way.
125
00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:21,286
? Thank you for being a friend ?
126
00:05:21,288 --> 00:05:25,356
? Travel down the
road and back again ?
127
00:05:25,358 --> 00:05:27,158
? Your heart is true ?
128
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:31,496
? You're a pal and a confidant ?
129
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:35,633
? And if you threw a party ?
130
00:05:35,635 --> 00:05:38,970
? Invited everyone you knew ?
131
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:42,707
Say, "we love Wild Willie's
wild wild west photography."
132
00:05:42,709 --> 00:05:44,910
Can we say "best friends"?
133
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,177
Three best friends?
134
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,712
- No.
- Aw!
135
00:05:47,713 --> 00:05:49,181
- Two best friends!
- Two best friends!
136
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:53,251
? Friend ?
137
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:56,521
And my favorite dollar
store is right next to
138
00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:59,991
the wild west photo place,
so we got chicharrones.
139
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:02,059
Colby likes 'em, too.
140
00:06:02,061 --> 00:06:03,728
Colby sounds heaven-sent, babe.
141
00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:06,063
Plus, I'm lovin' these fresh stories.
142
00:06:06,064 --> 00:06:08,667
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
- Uhp, our weed delivery's here.
143
00:06:08,668 --> 00:06:10,736
Go, go, go! That's important!
144
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:20,545
??
145
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:23,414
This isn't for weed.
It's for hanging out with Jeff.
146
00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:25,276
I can spend it on weed, though, right?
147
00:06:25,543 --> 00:06:26,884
If you're cool.
148
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,419
Well, I am cool.
149
00:06:28,420 --> 00:06:29,956
That's why I can't do this anymore.
150
00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:32,157
But why? It's working.
151
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,692
He's got all these great
new boring stories.
152
00:06:34,694 --> 00:06:36,427
There's something off about Jeff.
153
00:06:36,428 --> 00:06:37,630
Yesterday, he asked me why
154
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:39,564
humans aren't born wearing shoes.
155
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,633
That's not a normal dumb thing to say.
156
00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:43,301
That's something a psychopath
157
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:45,303
who's pretending to be dumb would say.
158
00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:46,639
Look, if you want more,
I'll even throw in
159
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,440
a fully punched sub hub card.
160
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:51,242
Just make sure you use it
at the one in Chimdale.
161
00:06:51,243 --> 00:06:52,445
I don't need the headache
162
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,646
of trying to process
one of these things.
163
00:06:57,239 --> 00:06:59,385
Why are you so sweaty?
164
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:01,586
Klaus just smoked me in one-on-one.
165
00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:03,322
I really don't want to
talk about it right now.
166
00:07:03,323 --> 00:07:04,790
Or ever again.
167
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:08,125
- Hey, my first "around the world."
- HAYLEY: Shut up!
168
00:07:08,127 --> 00:07:11,997
Lucky Klaus getting so
lucky on every shot.
169
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,865
Oh, Colby texted an hour ago.
170
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:16,734
"Jeff's too creepy.
Ending things today."
171
00:07:16,736 --> 00:07:18,336
Damn it. We had an agreement.
172
00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:23,074
What happened to honor among
clandestine co-conspirators?
173
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:26,011
Hey. Jeff. Sweet, sweet baby.
174
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:27,345
How was Colby?
175
00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:28,847
Leave me alone.
176
00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:31,818
[CELLPHONE BEEPS, LINE RINGS]
177
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:33,552
- MAN: Hello.
- Alright Colby, give me one reason
178
00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:35,087
I shouldn't pound your
face into the ground.
179
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:37,823
'Cause that would be
assaulting a police officer.
180
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:40,091
Police? I thought I called Colby.
181
00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:41,359
You did.
182
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:42,561
But Colby can't come to the phone
183
00:07:42,562 --> 00:07:45,030
because he's been so murdered.
184
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:47,432
What? He was just with Jeff.
185
00:07:47,433 --> 00:07:48,634
Well I don't know who Jeff is,
186
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,635
but, hopefully, he's not the killer.
187
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:52,838
Oh, God, what have I done?
188
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,841
Yeah, hopefully not. [CHUCKLES]
189
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:58,043
Yeah, hopefully not.
190
00:07:58,045 --> 00:08:00,545
[BOTH LAUGH]
191
00:08:03,579 --> 00:08:05,579
You're sure Colby was murdered?
192
00:08:05,581 --> 00:08:07,447
Yep, definitely murdered.
193
00:08:07,449 --> 00:08:09,916
Hey, Blatt, look. I'm the dead guy.
194
00:08:09,918 --> 00:08:11,418
Bleh.
195
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:13,386
Jeff?
196
00:08:13,388 --> 00:08:15,789
We need to talk about Colby.
197
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:18,925
Uh, Colby?
198
00:08:18,927 --> 00:08:19,993
He just texted me.
199
00:08:19,995 --> 00:08:22,462
- Just texted you?
- Yeah, just now,
200
00:08:22,464 --> 00:08:25,465
'cause our friendship is
normal and still happening.
201
00:08:25,467 --> 00:08:27,867
Off to do friend stuff.
202
00:08:28,937 --> 00:08:31,938
Hayley, you look concerned,
and it's concerning me.
203
00:08:31,940 --> 00:08:34,740
But is it concerning me,
the reason you're concerned?
204
00:08:34,741 --> 00:08:35,876
- [CHUCKLES]
- Shut up.
205
00:08:35,877 --> 00:08:37,211
I need to say something out loud
206
00:08:37,212 --> 00:08:38,812
just to hear how crazy it sounds.
207
00:08:38,814 --> 00:08:40,680
Could Jeff be a murderer?
208
00:08:40,682 --> 00:08:42,748
A murderer? I don't see it.
209
00:08:42,750 --> 00:08:45,285
But we should probably ask an expert.
210
00:08:45,287 --> 00:08:47,420
Ugh, couldn't find my dang wig.
211
00:08:47,422 --> 00:08:50,690
Name's Hollander Hollandaise,
mindhunter...
212
00:08:50,692 --> 00:08:53,293
professional profiler
of serial killers...
213
00:08:53,294 --> 00:08:54,295
like Jeff.
214
00:08:54,296 --> 00:08:56,095
Jeff's not a serial killer.
215
00:08:56,097 --> 00:08:57,497
Oh, really?
216
00:08:57,498 --> 00:08:59,566
What happened to the friends
he's had over the years?
217
00:08:59,567 --> 00:09:02,568
He said they turned into ghosts.
218
00:09:02,569 --> 00:09:03,838
That's basically a confession.
219
00:09:03,839 --> 00:09:06,239
He meant "ghosted."
Jeff's just bad at words.
220
00:09:06,241 --> 00:09:09,509
Counterpoint...
people close to cold-blooded killers
221
00:09:09,511 --> 00:09:11,978
are often the last to know...
ugh, I can't.
222
00:09:11,980 --> 00:09:14,981
I see your eyes drifting
up to my wigless head.
223
00:09:14,982 --> 00:09:17,051
You realize, of course,
this isn't the wig
224
00:09:17,052 --> 00:09:18,518
that goes with the costume,
225
00:09:18,519 --> 00:09:19,854
but let's just try to make it work.
226
00:09:19,855 --> 00:09:23,056
Rogu is conspicuously not
responding to my texts
227
00:09:23,058 --> 00:09:24,458
about the wig emergency.
228
00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:26,860
Wait, he's typing.
229
00:09:26,862 --> 00:09:28,127
No, he stopped.
230
00:09:28,128 --> 00:09:30,264
Gotta get your story straight,
huh, Rogu?
231
00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:32,131
Roger, please.
232
00:09:32,133 --> 00:09:36,670
Exhibit "A"...
Jeff uses nicknames such as "Mr. S."
233
00:09:36,672 --> 00:09:39,673
Or "babe" to decouple people
from their humanity.
234
00:09:39,675 --> 00:09:42,942
Then he decouples their
heads from their bodies.
235
00:09:42,944 --> 00:09:45,879
Exhibit "B"... Jeff's dumb-guy act.
236
00:09:45,881 --> 00:09:48,948
Clearly a cover for the
friend-annihilator within.
237
00:09:48,950 --> 00:09:51,617
- Objection!
- This isn't a court. Overruled.
238
00:09:51,619 --> 00:09:53,553
But I forced Jeff to get a friend.
239
00:09:53,555 --> 00:09:55,021
He didn't even want one.
240
00:09:55,023 --> 00:09:58,091
Exhibit "C"...
he's resisting having a friend
241
00:09:58,093 --> 00:09:59,959
because he doesn't want to be tempted.
242
00:09:59,961 --> 00:10:02,428
Same reason I don't
go to Hometown Buffet.
243
00:10:02,430 --> 00:10:08,101
Oh boy, Hayley,
I wish you hadn't said Hometown Buffet.
244
00:10:08,103 --> 00:10:09,569
Hayley, be honest.
245
00:10:09,571 --> 00:10:11,037
Did you hear it when I farted
246
00:10:11,038 --> 00:10:13,040
the entire car ride back
from the restaurant?
247
00:10:13,041 --> 00:10:16,242
Look, I know everything
there is to know about Jeff.
248
00:10:16,244 --> 00:10:17,443
He is not a killer.
249
00:10:17,444 --> 00:10:18,579
Yeah, you're probably right.
250
00:10:18,580 --> 00:10:20,247
I'm sure there's a
reasonable explanation
251
00:10:20,248 --> 00:10:21,382
for why Jeff's outside,
252
00:10:21,383 --> 00:10:23,617
burning his blood-covered clothes.
253
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,852
[GASPS] Oh, my God.
254
00:10:26,854 --> 00:10:28,922
I know. This one doesn't work either.
255
00:10:28,924 --> 00:10:31,691
Why won't Rogu answer my texts?
256
00:10:33,929 --> 00:10:36,062
FRANCINE: Now add the oregano.
257
00:10:36,064 --> 00:10:37,597
Now I'll stir.
258
00:10:37,599 --> 00:10:39,132
[GAGS]
259
00:10:39,134 --> 00:10:40,866
Whoa.
260
00:10:40,868 --> 00:10:43,136
Talk about nailing the assignment.
261
00:10:43,138 --> 00:10:44,404
Right?
262
00:10:44,406 --> 00:10:46,740
Hey, you want to try some sauce?
263
00:10:46,742 --> 00:10:49,176
Ah-ah-ah. Stay right there.
264
00:10:51,279 --> 00:10:53,479
[GAGS]
265
00:10:53,481 --> 00:10:55,549
Hm. Not bad, Mom.
266
00:10:55,551 --> 00:10:57,751
Unlike the news I have for you...
267
00:10:57,753 --> 00:11:00,153
Guinness moved the
qualifiers to next week.
268
00:11:00,154 --> 00:11:01,822
You'll have to wait
for next year's book.
269
00:11:01,823 --> 00:11:04,290
Screw that. I'm not waiting until
270
00:11:04,291 --> 00:11:06,227
two-thousand... [MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]
271
00:11:06,228 --> 00:11:09,896
I'm gonna find a way to
get into this year's book.
272
00:11:13,501 --> 00:11:15,101
Something wrong, babe?
273
00:11:15,103 --> 00:11:16,770
You're pretty quiet tonight.
274
00:11:16,772 --> 00:11:18,638
What? No. I was just thinking about
275
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:21,441
how I know you're a good person inside.
276
00:11:21,443 --> 00:11:22,908
Speaking of inside,
277
00:11:22,910 --> 00:11:25,711
how come outside you're
wearing a new shirt?
278
00:11:25,713 --> 00:11:27,447
What happened to old shirt?
279
00:11:27,449 --> 00:11:30,049
It became... unacceptable.
280
00:11:30,051 --> 00:11:32,118
Oh, my. That's a strange answer.
281
00:11:32,921 --> 00:11:35,188
Hi. I'm Janice, taking over for Brenda.
282
00:11:35,189 --> 00:11:37,458
She had a big bite of one
of the meats and choked.
283
00:11:37,459 --> 00:11:39,059
Who's ready for some lamb picanha?
284
00:11:39,060 --> 00:11:41,261
I am, waitress server lady.
285
00:11:41,263 --> 00:11:43,062
ROGER: Uses nicknames.
286
00:11:43,064 --> 00:11:45,665
Decouples people from their humanity.
287
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:47,801
[GRUNTING]
288
00:11:47,803 --> 00:11:49,836
Can I give you a hand?
289
00:11:55,210 --> 00:11:56,676
[THINKING] That's alarming
290
00:11:56,678 --> 00:11:58,678
but also kind of sexy?
291
00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:00,547
ROGER: Uh-oh, you're getting turned on.
292
00:12:00,548 --> 00:12:03,617
It's a classic pitfall of
knowing a serial killer.
293
00:12:03,619 --> 00:12:04,951
Danger is sexy.
294
00:12:04,953 --> 00:12:07,220
Roger, are you talking
to me via telepathy?
295
00:12:07,222 --> 00:12:09,022
No, this is just from your memory.
296
00:12:09,024 --> 00:12:11,424
But do you know where
the Xbox controller is?
297
00:12:11,426 --> 00:12:13,293
You know what, I'll just call you.
298
00:12:13,295 --> 00:12:14,628
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
299
00:12:14,629 --> 00:12:16,431
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
- Fine. Don't pick up.
300
00:12:16,432 --> 00:12:19,433
But I can tell you're starting
to want to bang your husband.
301
00:12:19,435 --> 00:12:20,834
I would never.
302
00:12:21,483 --> 00:12:25,104
Wow, you truly are the master of meats.
303
00:12:25,106 --> 00:12:27,106
Gross, babe.
304
00:12:27,108 --> 00:12:28,441
Where are you going?
305
00:12:28,443 --> 00:12:30,610
Wouldn't you like to know?
306
00:12:31,913 --> 00:12:33,112
- Hayley.
- Oh, my God!
307
00:12:33,113 --> 00:12:34,715
Oh, please. You were listening to me
308
00:12:34,716 --> 00:12:36,650
as much as I was listening to you.
309
00:12:36,652 --> 00:12:38,318
And plus you... you broke
310
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,654
the first three rules of mindhunting...
311
00:12:40,656 --> 00:12:42,656
Don't. [BLEEP] The killer.
312
00:12:42,658 --> 00:12:44,658
Come on, Jeff is not a killer.
313
00:12:44,660 --> 00:12:47,060
Then what's this I found under the bed?
314
00:12:47,062 --> 00:12:50,396
A box of my old Garbage Pail Kids?
315
00:12:50,398 --> 00:12:52,265
Oh, my God, I love these.
316
00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:54,400
I'll grab mine. We'll do some trades.
317
00:12:54,402 --> 00:12:56,670
But first, I mean these.
318
00:12:56,672 --> 00:12:59,405
These are Jeff's old friends.
319
00:12:59,407 --> 00:13:01,741
With x's on their faces?
320
00:13:01,743 --> 00:13:03,877
Houston, we have a Dahmer.
321
00:13:03,879 --> 00:13:06,145
STAN: [SINGSONG VOICE] Franci-ine.
322
00:13:06,147 --> 00:13:08,948
I'm feeling sexual. Uh...
323
00:13:08,949 --> 00:13:12,019
- [FINGERNAILS CRACKLING]
- Dr. Kalgary souped up this dialysis machine
324
00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:14,354
so I can mainline prenatals.
325
00:13:14,356 --> 00:13:15,621
Wonderful.
326
00:13:15,623 --> 00:13:17,423
Hear that crackling?
327
00:13:17,425 --> 00:13:19,158
That's my nails growing.
328
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:22,628
Now come to mama in her special chair.
329
00:13:22,630 --> 00:13:24,764
Oh, unfortunately, I just remembered
330
00:13:24,766 --> 00:13:27,067
I have to smell ya later.
331
00:13:30,939 --> 00:13:32,439
_
332
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,374
HAYLEY: [GASPS] Ted Whatshisnuts.
333
00:13:34,376 --> 00:13:37,711
More like dead Whatshisnuts, am I right?
334
00:13:39,781 --> 00:13:42,048
They're all dead or missing.
335
00:13:42,050 --> 00:13:44,784
So Jeff's officially a serial killer.
336
00:13:44,785 --> 00:13:45,786
Hooray!
337
00:13:45,787 --> 00:13:47,921
But it just can't be Jeff.
338
00:13:47,923 --> 00:13:50,123
There has to be another explanation.
339
00:13:50,125 --> 00:13:52,792
You could pay the Western
Portrait shop a visit.
340
00:13:52,793 --> 00:13:54,261
Jeff takes all his victims there,
341
00:13:54,262 --> 00:13:56,195
so it's likely rich with meaning.
342
00:13:56,196 --> 00:13:58,399
I'd go with you,
but I'm strictly behind the scenes
343
00:13:58,400 --> 00:13:59,966
until I find the right wig.
344
00:14:02,270 --> 00:14:04,804
WILLIE:
I wish I had something to tell you,
345
00:14:04,805 --> 00:14:07,007
other than I appreciate
his repeat business.
346
00:14:07,008 --> 00:14:08,209
Do you mind if I have a look around?
347
00:14:08,210 --> 00:14:10,343
Be my guest. Why don't I join you,
348
00:14:10,345 --> 00:14:13,079
looking around separately
in a different area?
349
00:14:13,081 --> 00:14:16,216
Jeff, my future best bud.
350
00:14:16,218 --> 00:14:18,552
I was hoping your wife
would really like me.
351
00:14:18,554 --> 00:14:22,622
But it looks like she knows
my embarrassing secret...
352
00:14:22,624 --> 00:14:24,958
I'm a crazy murderer. [CHUCKLES]
353
00:14:24,959 --> 00:14:26,627
Yeah, I've been killing
your friends for years
354
00:14:26,628 --> 00:14:29,095
so I could be your one and only.
355
00:14:29,097 --> 00:14:31,932
And guess what?
I'm about to do it again.
356
00:14:32,768 --> 00:14:34,500
[GASPS] Pick up, pick up,
357
00:14:34,501 --> 00:14:35,902
pick up, pick up. Hayley, pick up.
358
00:14:35,903 --> 00:14:37,304
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES, BEEPS]
359
00:14:37,305 --> 00:14:39,305
Hayley. You're in danger.
360
00:14:39,307 --> 00:14:41,374
Of not hearing about my new wig.
361
00:14:41,376 --> 00:14:44,110
It's a big,
brown beaut like they used to make.
362
00:14:44,112 --> 00:14:46,646
[CELLPHONE BEEPS, DOOR CREAKS]
363
00:14:46,648 --> 00:14:51,851
??
364
00:14:51,853 --> 00:14:54,387
Oh, my God. W-Willie's the killer.
365
00:14:56,191 --> 00:14:58,992
You ducked? That's not very sporting.
366
00:15:01,129 --> 00:15:04,130
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Aah!
367
00:15:04,132 --> 00:15:05,665
Babe!
368
00:15:06,868 --> 00:15:09,469
Oh, he's so gentle with her.
369
00:15:09,471 --> 00:15:11,137
What a nice guy.
370
00:15:11,139 --> 00:15:13,840
I'm killing for all the right reasons.
371
00:15:14,943 --> 00:15:16,542
Babe, are you okay?
372
00:15:16,544 --> 00:15:18,145
I'm fine, but, um...
373
00:15:21,617 --> 00:15:24,017
- Who are you?
- I'm babe.
374
00:15:24,019 --> 00:15:27,020
Oh. And who am I?
375
00:15:27,022 --> 00:15:28,754
You don't remember who you are?
376
00:15:28,756 --> 00:15:31,024
I don't remember... anything.
377
00:15:31,026 --> 00:15:33,293
Not even the shrine or the altar?
378
00:15:33,295 --> 00:15:35,495
Is that the photo-shop guy?
379
00:15:35,497 --> 00:15:36,762
I have no idea.
380
00:15:36,764 --> 00:15:39,032
What about now? Who am I now?
381
00:15:39,034 --> 00:15:42,568
Muzza vabuzza gabuzza. Huh?
382
00:15:42,570 --> 00:15:44,704
Gob gob gaboo. Huh?
383
00:15:44,706 --> 00:15:46,239
Come on.
384
00:15:47,108 --> 00:15:50,376
It's Merlin Brando, "The Godfather."
385
00:15:50,378 --> 00:15:51,444
Jesus.
386
00:15:51,446 --> 00:15:53,246
Could I make it any more obvious?
387
00:15:53,248 --> 00:15:56,116
- Sorry.
- Whatever. Let's just go.
388
00:15:58,533 --> 00:16:01,266
It appears Hayley has a full-blown case
389
00:16:01,268 --> 00:16:03,736
of "Muppets Take Manhattan"
style amnesia.
390
00:16:03,738 --> 00:16:05,871
[CRYING]
391
00:16:05,873 --> 00:16:08,674
She can't remember anything,
not even her name.
392
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,076
Hayley, think fast. Oh, tragic.
393
00:16:11,077 --> 00:16:13,479
She's going to need to be
painstakingly reintroduced
394
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,348
to every aspect of her old life.
395
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:17,150
Sounds like a husband problem.
396
00:16:17,152 --> 00:16:19,885
- Me?
- No, not my husband.
397
00:16:19,887 --> 00:16:21,020
- You.
- Me?
398
00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:23,556
No, follow the finger, not the nail.
399
00:16:23,558 --> 00:16:27,026
- So you're... my mom?
- No.
400
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:28,828
Well, technically, yes.
401
00:16:28,830 --> 00:16:30,629
But not right now.
402
00:16:30,631 --> 00:16:33,098
I'm busy.
403
00:16:33,696 --> 00:16:36,301
HAYLEY: Wow, meerkats are so cute.
404
00:16:36,303 --> 00:16:38,503
Right? But did you know
405
00:16:38,505 --> 00:16:42,175
that they're more than just mere cats?
406
00:16:42,177 --> 00:16:45,310
[CHUCKLES] That's so funny, babe.
407
00:16:45,312 --> 00:16:47,046
[GASPS] You called me "babe."
408
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:49,514
- Isn't that your name?
- No, it's Jeff,
409
00:16:49,516 --> 00:16:52,317
but I like it when
you call me babe, babe.
410
00:16:52,319 --> 00:16:55,388
I like it when you "babe" me.
411
00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:56,589
Oh shoot.
412
00:16:56,591 --> 00:16:57,857
Aw, don't worry.
413
00:16:57,859 --> 00:16:59,992
I have a trick for
getting rid of stains.
414
00:16:59,994 --> 00:17:02,395
I don't know how to
work the washing machine
415
00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:05,064
so sometimes with extra-tough stains
416
00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:07,466
I'll just light my clothes on fire.
417
00:17:07,467 --> 00:17:08,468
Smart.
418
00:17:08,469 --> 00:17:10,135
But why'd you burn your clothes?
419
00:17:10,137 --> 00:17:12,738
I didn't want you to be
naked in the backyard
420
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,073
all by yourself.
421
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,341
Wow, you're really sweet.
422
00:17:16,342 --> 00:17:18,011
Just last week, I burned my clothes
423
00:17:18,012 --> 00:17:20,746
after I covered them in
ketchup at Burger King.
424
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:23,816
I was upset because my
friend Colby told me
425
00:17:23,818 --> 00:17:26,552
he didn't want to be
friends with me anymore.
426
00:17:26,554 --> 00:17:28,888
- That sounds rough.
- The worst part is,
427
00:17:28,890 --> 00:17:30,823
I was too embarrassed to tell you
428
00:17:30,825 --> 00:17:32,691
because you wanted space.
429
00:17:32,693 --> 00:17:34,760
Why would anyone want space from you?
430
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:35,828
You're the best.
431
00:17:35,830 --> 00:17:39,565
Sto-op. You're embarrassing me.
432
00:17:39,566 --> 00:17:42,168
These are all the friends
who stopped texting me back,
433
00:17:42,169 --> 00:17:45,771
so then I put x's on their faces
to remember not to bug them.
434
00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:47,506
Hm. That's really considerate.
435
00:17:47,507 --> 00:17:49,776
And these are all the family
who don't text me back.
436
00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:51,376
Even Steve? Yep.
437
00:17:51,378 --> 00:17:54,780
Sometimes I sorta wish
Klaus was x'd out, too.
438
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:55,848
He can be a lot.
439
00:17:55,850 --> 00:17:57,917
Wait, there's no portrait of us.
440
00:17:57,919 --> 00:17:59,318
We gotta get one taken.
441
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:02,321
Wow, your brain's healing so fast.
442
00:18:02,323 --> 00:18:05,191
You're already remembering
how to have fun.
443
00:18:05,192 --> 00:18:07,011
_
444
00:18:09,330 --> 00:18:10,395
Boom.
445
00:18:10,397 --> 00:18:12,465
I'm so sorry. That was pure instinct.
446
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,333
I'm just naturally a mad defender.
447
00:18:14,335 --> 00:18:18,403
There are parts of me
that are 300 years old.
448
00:18:18,405 --> 00:18:21,406
But I'm young where it counts.
449
00:18:21,408 --> 00:18:26,211
Mm. These are baby caterpillars.
450
00:18:26,213 --> 00:18:27,813
So how you feeling, Mom?
451
00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:29,815
I got this in the bag.
452
00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:32,351
Hey, see that strongman lady?
453
00:18:32,353 --> 00:18:33,519
I'm gonna tickle her.
454
00:18:34,756 --> 00:18:37,290
[CHUCKLES]
455
00:18:37,292 --> 00:18:39,492
Noooo!
456
00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:40,960
[LAUGHTER]
457
00:18:40,962 --> 00:18:42,427
MAN: Stop laughing.
458
00:18:42,429 --> 00:18:45,831
I see something hidden in the hair.
459
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:47,633
A gorgeous human horn.
460
00:18:47,635 --> 00:18:48,968
The prenatals.
461
00:18:48,970 --> 00:18:51,104
They made me grow a cutaneous horn.
462
00:18:51,106 --> 00:18:53,105
Look it up. It's a real thing.
463
00:18:53,107 --> 00:18:55,708
Madam,
you're going straight in our book.
464
00:18:55,709 --> 00:18:56,576
_
465
00:18:56,577 --> 00:18:59,645
I know, it's a corny joke,
but sex sells.
466
00:18:59,646 --> 00:19:01,181
You'd be surprised how many people
467
00:19:01,182 --> 00:19:03,015
use this book as porn.
468
00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:10,055
So, have you lovebirds been in before?
469
00:19:10,056 --> 00:19:11,791
Not me, but Jeff's been in a few times.
470
00:19:11,792 --> 00:19:14,727
What can I say?
I'm just a little cowboy.
471
00:19:14,729 --> 00:19:16,461
My little cowboy.
472
00:19:16,463 --> 00:19:18,998
- Sorry?
- Oh, just private mutterings.
473
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,267
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
474
00:19:23,404 --> 00:19:24,971
[THINKING] I'm remembering.
475
00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:29,275
Oh, no.
476
00:19:31,412 --> 00:19:32,462
Oh, God.
477
00:19:34,549 --> 00:19:36,015
Jeff, he's the killer.
478
00:19:36,017 --> 00:19:38,551
- He killed all your friends.
- Ah, phooey.
479
00:19:38,553 --> 00:19:40,619
Alright, time for more murder.
480
00:19:40,621 --> 00:19:42,355
Run, Jeff!
481
00:19:42,357 --> 00:19:44,290
I don't understand what's happening!
482
00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:46,892
Freeze, Willie.
483
00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:49,162
You know my name.
484
00:19:49,164 --> 00:19:51,296
Oh, you don't even have a gun.
485
00:19:51,298 --> 00:19:54,367
Jeff, "freeze"
is what people who have guns say.
486
00:19:54,369 --> 00:19:55,835
Sorry, I'm bad at words.
487
00:19:55,837 --> 00:19:59,104
But I'm good at attacking
you like a meerkat.
488
00:19:59,106 --> 00:20:01,440
Ca-ca-caw! Caw!
489
00:20:01,442 --> 00:20:04,377
Okay, here's the plan...
I shoot you in both knees,
490
00:20:04,379 --> 00:20:08,113
kill your wife,
and then visit you in the hospital.
491
00:20:08,114 --> 00:20:10,384
We'll get through this together,
as friends.
492
00:20:10,385 --> 00:20:13,519
I have a few problems with the plan.
493
00:20:13,521 --> 00:20:16,189
Now that my mindhunter look is complete,
494
00:20:16,191 --> 00:20:19,992
off to arrest and/or kill Jeff,
that murderer.
495
00:20:19,994 --> 00:20:22,461
Man, I gotta feel the wind in this baby.
496
00:20:22,462 --> 00:20:23,463
Aah!
497
00:20:23,464 --> 00:20:24,798
[TIRES SCREECH, WILLIE SCREAMS]
498
00:20:24,799 --> 00:20:26,867
Someone stop that dog
with a wig in its mouth!
499
00:20:26,868 --> 00:20:28,133
It's from Europe!
500
00:20:28,135 --> 00:20:31,037
The wig, I mean. The dog looks local.
501
00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:34,273
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
502
00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:36,776
- [SIREN WAILS]
- Hey!
503
00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:40,746
So we agree...
no more space for a while?
504
00:20:40,748 --> 00:20:43,616
I'm gonna be right by your side, babe.
505
00:20:43,618 --> 00:20:46,419
Hey, your friends
didn't ghost you after all.
506
00:20:46,421 --> 00:20:48,487
They were just murdered by a maniac.
507
00:20:48,489 --> 00:20:49,889
Oh, yeah.
508
00:20:49,891 --> 00:20:51,891
It's a happy ending.
509
00:20:51,893 --> 00:20:54,394
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
510
00:20:56,764 --> 00:20:58,531
Have a great night!
511
00:20:58,581 --> 00:21:03,131
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