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"I want to make love," he said.

"But first I want to know how you feel."

I might be able to cope with it,
but I'd hate that life.

A HAPPY MAN

Ť , yes! Nosiť , very good!

- Okuliare.
- Yes, excellent!

- You can read Slovak fine.
- I can't read that well.

Yes, you do. You're best at Swedish,
but you can do it in Slovak.

Fruits and vegetables cost one thousand?

You could buy so many
Pokemón cards for that!

Mommy! What happened?

Show me.

What happened?

Enough!

Bye!

- Is he buckled up?
- Yep.

What's that truck?

- Some kind of a tank truck.
- I'd say it's a sewer-cleaner.

Come on sweetheart.
Can you unbuckle yourself? You can't?

- Come.
- Mommy, are we gonna run-run?

Yeah, we’re gonna run-run.

- Bye, Kubo.
- Say bye to daddy.

Bye! And you're off!

When's your shift?

My shift? Saturday.

Bye, honey.

I stopped worrying that I somehow had to
meet or fulfil that feminine role,

which I had done my entire life.
I am a "he" to colleagues, clients,

all of my friends,
neighbours, their children.

I have a passport and now I'm Marvin.

I work as a graphic designer,
as an art director.

A writer by night.

Hi!

- I'm okay. Coffee?
- Are you okay?

- You're having coffee again?
- Yeah, I'll bring some.

- Hi.
- I haven't had the time to get coffee.

It's a flood!

A coffee flood.

- Did you finally manage to do it?
- Yes, but we didn't use...

If we can find it.

"Where was I supposed to go?"

So...

I've been married to Marvin since 2007.

There has been some
change in Marvin's appearance.

Different clothes,
different hairstyle, and so on.

So far, it's good. To me, my relationship
with Marvin is what really matters.

We're a good match and fit well.
We enjoy being together.

After all, a part of our relationship

has always been about
solving problems together.

Besides, there isn't much
to do about it at this moment,

so I try to be rational.

I have to prove that I'm manly enough.

That means I shouldn't like cooking,
and I shouldn't be washing those socks,

someone else should do that. I should
be mowing the lawn and chopping wood.

Because I have to prove I'm a man.

And when you actually are a man
who dislikes cutting wood likes cooking,

everyone is like:
"Wow, you like cooking? Great!"

My therapist would laugh
that I am admitting it, but it's true.

I have a great need to be useful.

And then,

while being useful, I want to have
enough time to do the things I like.

And if you manage to find the balance
between those two, great.

I like to write.

I try to like my characters.

Sometimes, it doesn't work.
Then I know it won't be good.

I have to change it,
to start liking them.

And...

I know that the book is good
when I miss the characters.

I can shut out everything
during that activity.

I'm not thinking about anything,
only about what I'm writing or editing.

And it's like Zen meditation.

You completely clear your head
and focus only on that fictitious world,

the one you create for yourself,
your ideal world. That's total freedom.

That's what I like. That's great.

He was so warm.

Cocooned in the softest of blankets,
gentle hands soothing him,

touching his chest,
stomach and thighs, enveloping him.

So good, so safe.

Dark, but safe.

He was unseen, unjudged.

He could stay floating there without ever
being required to do anything else.

Just let the warmth stay.

I started writing as a woman,
and it never worked.

Recently, I found the writing
I did in my early twenties.

It was so weird. Extremely weird.

The female character was so unwomanly.

I work as a psychiatrist in Sweden.

Once you do medicine,
it's more or less for life.

I can't say
that I am a genius in my field.

I'm a normal doctor.

Sometimes there is an alarm.
An aggressive patient.

So we have an alarm system here.

We have these buttons
so that nothing happens to anyone.

And I'm the boss, after all,
so I should be organizing it.

One patient sent me
one postcard every month.

Saying things like: I'm doing well,
having three beers a day

and I take three pills with them.

And I am like: "Cool."

And then he died a year later.

He drank himself to death.

Poor guy.

We go up here.

Here are my rocks from Gotland, fossils.

And that's from Some Like It Hot,
a picture of Jack Lemmon from set.

He was dressed like that.

This is where Kubík is supposed to sleep,
but he doesn't.

So now we put random stuff in there.

This used to be just Nikol's room,
but they decided to sleep together.

It's a problem for us.
They won't fall asleep in the evening.

Every evening and morning,
it's all four of us in the bathroom.

And total lack of privacy, by the way.

I got this towel from Ivan
with my name Marvin embroidered.

When I changed names,
he had it made for me.

And this is my and Ivan's bedroom.
We just bought a new bed.

Finally, I have storage space.

You see this? His house.
What's this that Krokan has here?

- He ate it.
- He ate ice cream.

What did he eat?
Ice-cream. He ate an ice-cream.

And then he flew away.

The kids just want someone
to be close to them, to support them.

That has nothing to do with the fact
whether I'm a mother or a father.

- Because of game and birds.
- Klára.

- That's great.
- And a ladybug.

I have my diagnosis set.

I have contacted an endocrinology clinic
for hormonal treatment

and then I have requested
a mastectomy surgery.

Yeah, I was afraid to tell Ivan about it.

Worst case scenario is

that he just won't be able
to cope or manage being with me

as soon as he starts
to perceive me as a non-woman.

That was back in...

Summer 2003?
Yeah, I think so. 2002 or 2003.

2003 in Banská Štiavnica.

All the way up by the little church,
towards the end.

- You wore a straw hat, and baggy pants.
- I did.

I think you had
this kind of bucket hat on your head.

Yes, I did, well...

I don't know exactly,
some shorts and sandals.

- Sandals and a bucket hat, yeah...
- Yeah.

Mommy!

Well...

- That's Nikol?
- Yeah, that's Nikol.

This is the real deal.

So what happened next?
What do you remember?

Well...

When we moved in together in Brno,
I was more or less sure

that we'd stay together.

And then we decided to move
abroad together, which was a big deal.

The fact that Ivan was able to pick more
or less any spot on the map of Europe

and find work there,

that was a great help.

So we were discussing...

- Is she asleep?
- Are you nuts?

So?

We're talking about
how we moved to Sweden.

Yeah, how we moved. Yeah.

It was my idea.

Marvin finished his studies,

and there was no plan towards
getting employed in Czech Republic.

I was already employed
as a specialist at the time.

I wanted to move to a different country

where everything is new,
where life would be easier.

To a liberal country,
which is better to live in.

We get more mature, we change,
we evolve in some way, but I guess...

It's a natural development, right?

We're different than 15 years ago,

but it has nothing to do
with me being trans.

I don't know how I'll feel one day.

I can't tell right now. And I guess
it has to be the same for Ivan.

But I do remember one joke
you made that was great.

I was afraid that one morning,
you'd wake up next to a hairy stinker,

get scared and run away.

You told me you were afraid
you'd wake up one day

with half of your face drooping down
like this. That was your fear.

That's quite real.

Yeah.

I am waiting, waiting, and waiting...

I am still waiting.

The only thing I need
is certification from the doctor.

I decided a long time ago,
but still I have to wait.

The more I wait, the more I'm pissed off
about not having that opportunity.

It’s like this:
Fifty people have to see you fifty times.

Then the committee convenes and decides

whether you are or you're not.
And then they allow you, or they don't.

See? A crab's shell.

Yeah?

That's his leg, yeah.

I know that it'll be over soon.

Yeah. Kubo, please, don't wallow in it.

Please give it to me
so I can finally move on with my life.

What? Are you cold?

- Let me see.
- It's not cold.

- It isn't?
- No.

- Why is this here? Do you want it?
- No, put it in the fridge.

Going to bed?

Majesty wishes every wizard,

sorcerer, and even witch
to come to the aid of their country.

Attendance is compulsory. It's...

What are you playing?

Is someone leaving?

Is someone leaving?

Again? Again the spider?

And again.

That was when he realized
he was falling in love.

Through fear. Nothing pleasant
about the emotion, that was for sure.

All he could comprehend
of the emotion was dread.

Of being left behind,

not being loved back,
of the other one getting hurt.

My mom doesn't know.

Mom knows I will have the surgery,
but she doesn't know when.

Why have you decided not to tell her?

Because my mom reacts

extremely about this topic

because she does not agree with it.

And despite her knowing for over a year,

she says I can't be trans,

because she raised me.
She doesn't believe I am trans.

So all the things I do
related to my transition

are completely nonsensical
and self-harming from her point of view.

I am simply ruining the lives of my
husband and the kids and our marriage.

Hi Marvin, call me when you can.
I want to know how it went.

Hi, Soni.

It is 23rd September 2019.

Five in the afternoon.

And I am...

Hmm, seven hours after my surgery.

I am fine.

It hurts, but...

Like one percent
of what you experience during childbirth.

So anyways, I...

This feeling is indescribable.

It is...

It is I guess inexplicable.

I was afraid I would not...

That I will not feel any relief,
or that I will be confused or...

And let me show you.

Wait, I will try to aim the camera

correctly.

Here.

Maybe you can see it.

You know...

I feel so very relieved!

I feel unbelievably relieved.

And...

And the idea that I will never
have to go through this again,

that it is permanent...

That is...

That is indescribable.

Right now, I really feel completely...

Completely amazing!

Do you have any expectations
for what's to come?

The part of his body that's changing,

we agreed in the past

that I won't touch it anymore

and that I won't...

I will avoid it a little bit.

I don't know what is expected of me.
How should I feel?

- Don't bite it.
- Sure.

Yes, that's right.

Just like that. Then you take this, look.

- You open it like this.
- I want to open this.

See? You can make stars like this.

No, here, so it's the same.

- May I?
- Like this?

Daddy!

Niki, do you want to ride a bike too?

Fire, Kubo, fire! Nice.

- What is it?
- An ugly monster. Watch out!

We’ll die here!

No, we won't, Kubo!
We have a lot of lives.

- They’ll destroy our aircraft.
- No, they won't.

- A giant robot!
- You are dramatizing it on purpose.

He sure is.

- Do you want to drive, Kubo?
- Yep.

- They’ve surrounded us!
- Damn it! Go!

- You can do it!
- Shoot!

- Someone has to be there.
- Just hit it straight!

Just hit it. Go!

I want to take testosterone.
I look forward to the physical changes,

to looking in the mirror and seeing
the same me that I see in my head.

The me that I see
when I look inside myself.

We're so close!

Not really, Kubo.
Our engine is destroyed.

But don't you worry...

- These are your sweatpants, right?
- Yep.

So put them away.

- Yes?
- I want to have pancakes.

- You want to have pancakes?
- Yes. First.

First? Not first,
because you wouldn't eat the rice.

I want...

I want to have pancakes.

You have to eat
some more rice and meat first, ok?

There you go. Just like that.

A piece of this and have some rice too.

Daddy will eat the rest.
There is just a tiny bit of meat there.

All good, Kubi?

When it comes to the things
connected to motherhood:

Birth, breastfeeding,
pregnancy, all of that...

I wanted children, that's why I did it.
But the feeling itself back then was...

I'm so happy to have my body back.

Here.

I don't think that testosterone
will immediately solve all my problems.

Here, here, here...

Here!

Hey, Soni, I'm low on battery.
So just quickly.

Well, I got the shot.

My first one.

The testosterone.

I'm on my way to work. My butt hurts.

I measured my biceps in the waiting room,
in case I had an allergic reaction.

So far it hasn't grown.

Seems I'll have to start working out
like a normal person.

Now, I have to take care of myself,

focus on my life, so that
I am at peace, and the kids are ok,

and carry on as usual.

The whole society revolves around sex.

All the stories, books, music, movies,

clothes, even food,
schools, and workplaces.

Everything boils down
to mating and procreation.

Only we call it noble things

like finding happiness,
family comes first,

save the children, romance, and shit.

I don't know if Ivan is waiting to see

how it will all work out,
or if he really doesn't care.

So far, he doesn't seem to care at all.

We put too much wood there.

- Do you have coffee?
- I have. Do you want some?

- I do.
- Do you also have tea?

- I don't. Do we have tea?
- We don't.

- We only have water.
- Discrimination!

Here you go, chief. Have some salad!

Oh my God! It's burning!

Mummy, it's wet!

- Is it huge?
- It's huge!

Now we have to wait until it burns down.

Kubo, you get always mad.
You see? Like this.

- Is it already done?
- Not yet.

No! I'll burn that. It's my turn.

Now it's burning.

They didn't give me any beer,
So I'm drinking water.

What's the point, if there's no beer?

When I try to force him
to express himself,

it usually ends up with him saying
he doesn't know.

That so far, he doesn't mind
and doesn't know if he ever will.

Mommy, I am here.

Hi Kubo. Are you going to jump?

That's great.

At work, I refer to Marvin as male.

But

I haven't explained it
to everyone in detail.

That will come with time.

Hi.

Can you hear me?
Great. I'm on my way home.

Should I buy anything?

Sure, we have food.

We have food. That's most important.

I was born Mary Patterson,

but then I married
and took my husband's name,

so now I am Neil Patterson.

I said: "If God loves me
he's got a funny way of showing that."

- What?
- He is holding only one ball.

And? There is just one?

He is running around with one ball.

He says, "she wants me to break off",
and has one ball. And two white ones.

... curving arse.

Yes, she has got a nice arse, hasn't she?

Yeah. The thing is, Rufus, old scout,

you getting married and so...

I can't control
what he does or doesn't feel.

It will work out somehow.

Most of our friends have broken up,
or will eventually.

Conflicted was not
a correct enough word to describe it.

I felt utterly overthrown.

I was a helpless observer and everything
I was supposed to have under control

just rushed ahead
into the unknown chaos

dragging my banged-up body behind.

I can tell that if I didn't make
those changes, I would feel awful.

It wouldn't be help anyone, I wouldn't
save anyone with this "selfless act".

Hey, Soni. Today is August 1, 2020.

Ivan is building a fence at home,

the kids are crafting

and I'm going drinking with Juraj.

And this date is important.
I had to shave for the first time.

Not because I had
a significant moustache,

but the three hairs on my chin

and the grey fuzz below my lip
started to look ridiculous.

So I'm freshly shaved,
and I'm going drinking with a friend.

When giving a toast,

look everyone in the eyes
or you'll have the seven year itch.

Well, it's too late for that.

- Cheers.
- Is it vodka?

No.

- Hey.
- Cheers.

On your good health.

When you start taking testosterone,
everyone warns you you'll stink,

sweat and have horrendous acne.
You'll receive all these threats.

And yes, I have a couple of pimples
but it's nothing terrible.

I was afraid it would be worse.

He started snoring.

A little. I stopped and he started.

If Marvin has major side effects,
or what would be side effects to me,

or the transformation

is too big,

or I feel physical, emotional discomfort,

then we will have to talk about it,

see if the process could be slowed down.

In an ideal world,
I would have been born a man.

With all the physiological
attributes that come with it.

But...

I don't know.
I'm a realist in this sense.

Like...

Of course, I'll be happy to have
a full-grown beard. That'll be cool.

I'd like that.

Can you imagine that in a year you could
be sitting here with the bearded Marvin?

I can't imagine my emotional reaction.

I can't really define it.

How should I come to terms
with this, or if I shouldn't.

Does it even matter?

The moment I get the impression

Ivan sees me as a compromise
or someone unattractive,

because he has to take care
of the kids, I’ll break up with him.

That's for sure.

If I feel that someone is with me
despite not wanting me,

then I don't want to be with him.

I don't think anyone would.

You have people whose looks change
because of age, weight, illness.

We haven't discussed it recently.
Maybe we should. I don't know.

The tiny, crippled, exhausted creature

that was kicking
and screaming inside me now

he was thrashing so bad
he bruised my insides.

Was that the hopeful,
romcom loving idealist?

I was certain I’d managed
to smother him to death.

Now he wanted out
and he wanted me to hope.

Well.

When I talk with people

about how the transition is going,

everyone expects me to say

that the biggest problem
has to be our relationship.

And to an extent, these expectations
have had a knock-on effect on me.

And I’m expecting it too.

But...

I don't think we have any bigger
problems in our relationship

than most of our friends or peers

who have been together
for fifteen or seventeen years.

Our relationship is not just about
this one thing.

We have kids, a house, work.

Things evolve.

We deal with stuff we couldn't have
imagined a couple of years ago.

Things that were problems then,

aren't problems now.

You helped me a lot with my parents.

From supporting me when I was down

to taking over
during their horrible phone calls.

Let's go on a vacation without the kids.

Yeah, we could do that.

We talked about that.

When Kubo is fifteen,

we could go on a vacation without kids.

if we trust them to some extent.

Travel could be problematic.

You have a different sex
than in the passport.

Some countries can be problematic.

Some are already a problem.

So we won't go to Iran.

Would we ever?

- Not anymore.
- Not anymore.

Some countries
will always be problematic.

Kubo, I'll heat up dinner
from yesterday, OK? Look.

- Is it a girl?
- Okay?

- No.
- It's not a girl.

Okay. I will heat it up for you, yeah?

- No.
- Yes.

It's better.
Now I can rule out a few characters.

I think it's fifty-fifty.

Hi Dad! How are you?

I'm going to work.
No more work from home.

Okay.

No lockdown,
like there was in the spring.

You haven't seen the kids for a year.

- Yeah, I know.
- Yeah.

I know, it's hard.

And how is Zdenka, dad?

Or put her on the phone.

- Marvin?
- Hi Zdenka, can you hear me?

- Yes! How are you?
- Great.

I'm getting so much love here now!

When I come home, or I open the door,

I am hugged by one kid,
then the other, then the dog!

I'm so loved, it's awesome.

Does she have long hair?

Yep!

Okay.

Yeah, I work, but I'm cutting it back.

I have to reorganize my life.

Rethink my life.

Reevaluate my priorities.

I'll take care of the kids.

And write, too, of course.

But I end up having less
and less time for the kids.

I always put it off for later.
I can't do that anymore.

They need me more, you know?

You take testosterone, right?

Yes, I am taking it. Since February.

Once every twelve weeks
I get a shot in my butt.

- Oscar.
- Oscar? Okay.

But I'm okay.
No worries, Zdenka. I am fine.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Has your mom changed her views somehow?

You know, mom...

She's sad not to see the grandkids,

so that has mellowed
her stance towards me.

She doesn't put me
under as much pressure anymore.

My parents were particular
about the way we looked as children.

That we were nicely dressed.
This suits you, wear this.

Let your hair down, put it up.
Put on a skirt.

I got that from my mom
since I was ten years old.

So "exercise, don't eat too much,
you'll get fat", I know it since ten.

Look.

This one here is dotted and yellow

and this one is striped
and has a thin stalk, okay?

This one isn't edible. And this one is.

They're a bit different.

Careful. Don't do it against fingers.

Niki was saying how my appearance will
change and that she's nervous about it,

if I'll have a beard,
and if it is going to look weird or not.

For them, it starts to be an issue

when someone at school, their friends
or some stranger makes them feel

that it's something weird.
Then it becomes an issue for them.

You're already hungry?

- Eat, I'm not stopping you.
- What?

You just finished eating.

- What did I finish eating?
- A whole breakfast.

Two hours ago.

He's checking it on his app.

- Almost three hours ago!
- Eat. Whatever.

We haven't been in Czechia
for two and a half years.

I am concerned about
how it's going to be.

How people will react.

Where are they?
Do they know we're coming?

Shall we knock again?

Knock, knock, knock.

- Hi, Kubi.
- Hi!

You have a dinosaur?
I also have one for you.

Hi.

Hi Marvin, finally!

- Finally.
- Hello.

Hi.

Mind the dog!

Hello, Niki!

- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi.

This is Väja.

- Hi, Väja.
- Finally. After two years!

- Two? Three?
- I've already closed it...

Two and a half.
Let's check. We can look at photos.

Let's have a look at photos
and we'll know.

Wow, that's going to be great.

We must have spent
a hundred years in traffic.

Did you take the highway?

No. On our way back, we knew better.
We needed to buy a second dragon.

We only bought one
and that was a big mistake.

So we decided to buy a second one.

- Do you use Waze?
- No, I used Google Maps.

Because Waze is the best.

- Okay.
- Shall we drink to Ivan?

Yes, let's drink to Ivan.

Ivan!

Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Thank you.
- Cheers.

I just want to know
if it is alive or good.

Let me welcome you among us.

Thank you!

I'm not untouchable anymore.

What's that?

- On my shirt?
- Yeah.

My COVID joke.

Give me some space.

It's my personal
"keep your distance" t-shirt.

Good, right?

Don't apologise. She's inside.

- But it is too hot...
- Cold will be better.

Wait.

Okay...

- Fill your glass.
- She has to have full.

No, this is Kubo's water.

- That's yours.
- Cold water is the best.

Jakob.

- It will be ready in two hours.
- Here.

- All good?
- I don't know.

I hadn't seen Marvin
in person until now.

I saw him in pictures, with short hair.

Yeah, but...

I don't know.

I'm a father and I am proud of that.

Although...

Unfortunately,
I haven't been a full-time father.

I was only really around
the first seven years until we broke up.

I moved away.

I feel a certain debt

that I haven't spent

enough time with him or with her.

She was very pretty as a child.
A pretty girl, but...

I think I accepted it
with a level of mistrust,

but not in a negative way.

What is this?

Well. Is it possible?

Or not? So I just accepted it.

It is what it is, and I can't do
anything about it anyway.

It's my daughter. Now son now.

Our relationship is the same.

It's always been like this.

I'm happy to see
how she's doing now. Or he.

That he is more content, happier.

It feels like we saw
each other only yesterday.

- It's been two and a half years.
- Surely not.

I do not think so. It is 2021.

In autumn 2019.

In autumn 2019 and it's autumn 2021.

So it's been two years.

My ex-wife, Marvin's mother,
took it negatively.

but we only spoke about it once.

She asked me to intervene
against it somehow and I refused.

I never knew her growing up.

So I had more of a distance.

I can only talk about high-school age.

And I always thought

that she wasn't completely happy.

I, myself, have a hard time
telling my friend about the coming-out.

I kind of think

that explaining it to people
who we aren't close with,

that he is a man, a boy...

I don't know. I don't feel like doing it.

I think they wouldn't understand.

And it's not necessary anyway.

We used to sled down this hill as kids.

All of this used to be
a construction site.

There weren't any paths,
just slabs of concrete.

I had dreams as a kid
about construction sites.

"It’s not my country either,"
I wanted to say.

But that wasn’t true, not entirely.

There would always be ties and memories.

Like the sirloin beef
I wanted to make him for dinner.

There would always be
the embarrassment and regrets.

Like when you try to dig out a tree

and never manage
to get all the roots out.

I was thinking we could go
towards the hill top first. But whatever.

I'll let you lead.
We can just walk over here.

Let's go around.
Then we won't get too tired.

I remember when we were teenagers,
we used to climb over that fence.

We used to make a fire
and watch the fireworks there.

Was that us?

- You used to live with Ivan.
- We were roommates, yeah.

And Ivan was sort of

an unbelievably positive person.

He was a super cool guy
and he never judged anyone.

That was new for me. In my family,
everyone was constantly judging.

On one hand, he was a nice guy.

I liked him very much.

But I also felt like
something was missing.

He took it very seriously,
he wanted you and was sure about it.

Ivan was on a completely different level.
Much more stable than me.

I was just starting college.
I hadn't even finished my bachelor's.

Ivan was done with college, he had a job.

Lived by himself, took care of himself,
which was attractive to me.

He wanted you. He was sure about that.

Not that you were the only one for him,
he was more like:

"She is a good woman, a great one,
and that's the one I want."

I called you
right after the psychotherapy.

- I remember telling you.
- Really?

I left therapy,
where I had talked about my doubts.

I still didn't want to say
the word trans aloud.

And I called you after.

I was walking through town,
several kilometers on foot,

and I told you:
"Bára, I'm probably trans!"

What made me really happy was
that during the twenty-minute call,

you went from "oh"
to "It's gonna be ok!"

I remember that deep down,
I knew that it would be okay.

You are searching for your true self.

It's not some kind of game or phase.

It's so great you are saying this.
Because I hear exactly that a lot.

Not that they say it's a phase,

more like:

"What's the goal here? What's your deal?"

When someone is trans,
then without doing anything,

they become everybody's problem.

When I go somewhere,
I instantly create discomfort.

- Instantly.
- Suddenly you are different.

- Because people...
- No one wants to be awkward.

It's an instinct. You need to define
the person. Safe, dangerous. Woman, man.

Most people feel the need
to put a lable on someone new.

A lot of people feel like that,
including my mom.

She thinks that how you look
is connected to how you feel

and that people who look bad
cannot feel good.

And only beautiful people can be happy.

They're accepted and loved by everyone.
The happy ones.

I understand the good intention,
but I still feel sorry

that a person
who is biologically closest to you,

your mom,

thinks how you look is more important

than if you are in harmony
with who you are.

Yeah, here are your cookies. Bye, Bára.

- See you soon.
- Bye.

- Thanks a lot.
- You too.

- See you the day after tomorrow.
- On Thursday.

- Bye.
- Bye, hold the dog.

I don't care what other people think.

Whether I'm gay or not.

It's a bigger issue for other people
than it is for me.

How I'm being perceived.

It's as important to me
as if they thought that I'm Italian.

Well, I'm not, but I don't care.

Väja, drop it, drop it.

Wait. Wait.

Hello.

Väja.

Väja.

Väja, drop it.

Väja! No!

Jakob!

So today we have on a very special guest.
I’ve met a lot of cool people.

Resulting from that and
a few other events in my life,

I got to work for an author I had
never worked for before, Roe Horvat.

Roe hired me
and the first thing Roe said was,

"I’m not sure if you’re going
to want to do this book,

There’s a lot of sex and my last narrator
wasn’t quite down with that.

A little bit, but not as much
as where we’re going with this book."

It was a little project that I for one,
when Roe said that, I was like:

"Come on, what is this, high school?
What do you got?"

But it went on from there...

Without any more from me,
I’ll switch over, we’ll do this live.

Hello Roe, how are you?
Welcome to John Solo’s Beer Brigade!

I’m here. I hope I’m audible.

Yep. We can hear you.

Somebody commented they were
surprised that you had a day job.

And I actually know what you do
and I know you make decent money at it.

Have you considered writing full time?
Is that on your agenda, or no?

I gave my notice.

Congratulations! So when
you got into this style of writing,

how many books did you write
before you got to Dirty Mind ?

Dirty Mind was actually my third book.

But after that,

I still published Vanilla Clouds ,
which is a classic gay romance.

So, The Other Book was the first
book that got published as erotica.

And I did, my entire, think about it,
and I think it was fifth or sixth book.

- Yeah.
- Not entirely sure. I think so.

Yeah, but...

Yeah, it was very liberating, actually.

A lot of authors say:

"I like to write a lot of sex,
but it progresses the story line,

the sex is the plot."

To me, when I’ve seen that in the past,
most of the time it was a fucking porn.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.
It's cool and fine. It is what it is.

Some people are into that and pay me
good money to read it, and it’s all good.

You did something different in Adam Only.
We’ve talked about this in private,

but I’ve never seen
an author do what you did.

You actually progressed the plot
with sex and with such a magical way.

Your descriptions of sex...
I bet you’ve had sex before.

Incredible, dude! Good job!

I’ve never read anything
like it before or since.

I’ve never read sex scenes like that
in my life. It went over the top.

Marvin, what inspires you
when you're writing?

I won't talk about my sex life on camera.

No way.

"I want to make love," he said.

"But first I want to know how you feel."

I closed my eyes, overwhelmed.

When I opened them again, I let go.
I was safe.

Here in our little hiding place,
I could be vulnerable.

Scared. Hopeful."

Inhale, exhale.

"Grateful and alive..."

His smile was blinding.

We can eat there afterward.
They have hot dogs with mashed potatoes.

They should have the opening hours
of the kitchen posted.

THEY

Nice!

Where did you go?

I will chose a different path.

And that's it?

That was good.

Great. Nice!

You can reach further, that's not fair.

Lean on that. Yeah, just like that.

Yes. Superb!

Great!

If my kids were trans, I hope

it would be easier for them
than it was for me.

But...

I can't say
I would hope for it to happen.

But what can you do?

I wouldn't be opening champagne,

but there's nothing wrong with the child.

If they're trans, they're trans.

The child is not the one
that should be adapting.

Yeah, you're so rough.

I don't have any.

You want this one?

Drop it.

Come here.

Behave!

For a long time, my mom didn't know
we were shooting this film.

But last time,
we talked about it casually.

My mom didn't want to participate,
I respect that and I didn't push her.

Now we can talk about it
without any awkwardness.

The way Marvin looks now,
is at the edge of my tolerance.

I definitely wouldn't choose this option.

But how can I decide
how someone else should look like?

That's really absurd,
but I don't mind how Marvin looks now.

The further I am in transition,
the less I think about...

Actually, I don't think I am not trans.

I look at myself in the mirror
and I feel good, I look good

it's still me, not someone else.

Sit.

Come on.

Sit down.

When we came here, we were different

and the change
is a result of our experiences.

The reason
why we're together is still the same.

Because we love each other.

So far, Marvin hasn't given me
a reason to stop loving him.

But not here.

Look! Daddy found some trees there.

Ivan? Last time you did it here,
between these two.

- To the right.
- Kubo remembers it.

Okay, hands up.
I also don't know how to do it.

- Great.
- Should I get the rope out of the way?

No, it's fine, as long as
I don't hang myself on it.

You know what?
I need it differently. Like this.

And you can walk next to me.

The problem is

it shakes under your feet.

- Technically.
- I know.

In the beginning, I was afraid.

What to tell him, how to tell him,
when to tell him, and so on.

And then, Ivan was the one

who was the most supportive.

Without him, it would be more difficult.

I'm going to hold you by your pocket.

No, don't!

Wait, come closer, so I can grab you.

You're gonna fall down!

Yes, probably.
Or I could do it like this. Perfect.

Bend your knees, keep your body forward.

Eyes up, and have your palms facing in.

Like that.

And go. More on your toes.

Let's play a game.

- I'll give you this notebook.
- Okay.

And you write in five sentences
how your story with Ivan will end.

- Does it have to be with Ivan?
- Yes, your family.

Okay, well, this is painful.

Option number one:

A villa by the sea, a dog, our feet up,
our health issues piling up,

but we still can eat well
and take walks by the beach.

So...

an enjoyable, slow, and long retirement.

Number two:
The apocalypse. Slow or fast.

Ivan and I will be teammates.

- You have poppy seeds in your teeth.
- I know. Give me that.

And that was even better,

when you watched that football game.

Don't you dare!

Don't you dare!

Option number three:

Each of us with a new partner,

inviting each other to birthday parties.

A YEAR LATER,
MARVIN AND IVAN ARE STILL TOGETHER

Subtitles: Tomáš Pikl
plint.com