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1
00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:16,910
Ensign bo/m/e/g personal log.
Sfardaz'e 57607.3.
2
00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:19,413
The cerritos is in
orbit around /|///'xz'us ///
3
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:22,332
z'o assisz' in a controlled demolition
of an unstable moon.
4
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We 're providing support to the Vancouver,
a parliament-class snip,
5
00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:29,047
which focuses on complex,
large-scale engineering projects.
6
00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:32,342
Welcome, captain. Take it in.
7
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:35,345
One day you could be in command
of a vessel like the Vancouver.
8
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:39,349
Thank you, captain.
This is truly a humbling experience.
9
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:43,729
You're welcome. [Groans] Unfortunately,
we might have to cancel the demolition.
10
00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,606
- What? Why?
- Is the moon too dense?
11
00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:47,983
No, it's more of a diplomatic issue.
12
00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:51,278
Diplomatic? Isn't the moon
going to plummet into the planet
13
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:54,031
- and ignite the atmosphere?
- And, you know, kill everyone?
14
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:57,367
I've told them that many times,
but they simply don't care.
15
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,744
[Arguing]
16
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,705
Of all the moons we pray to,
that's one of the most important!
17
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:03,582
It controls the tides for our summer crop!
18
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:06,418
My family has lived on that moon
for generations.
19
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:09,713
Moons can't plummet. That's something the
government made up to control us!
20
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:10,797
[Arguing continues]
21
00:02:10,881 --> 00:02:11,882
Oh, boy.
22
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:15,594
So the moon's decaying orbit
could cause catastrophic
23
00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:16,803
blah, blah, blah. Okay.
24
00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:19,973
The real news is
I get to have lunch with the coolest,
25
00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:23,477
smartest officer in starfleet,
Barbara brinson,
26
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who also happens to be my girlfriend.
27
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:30,984
That's right! Ah! We met a month ago,
and it's just been magical.
28
00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,611
Oh, boy, here we go.
29
00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,905
Log number one million
about girlfriend, Barb.
30
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,532
You know, I am sorry,
but I'm starting to think that Barb
31
00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:38,992
might not actually exist.
32
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,327
[Chuckles] She's real.
33
00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,996
She's as real as a hopped-up q
on captain picard day.
34
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:46,958
Let me guess, when we meet her,
it'll weirdly have to be on the holodeck?
35
00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:49,920
Hey, I don't do that anymore. Okay?
36
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:53,163
Sure you don't, but just so you know,
I'm gonna try waving my hands through her.
37
00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:54,295
- Please don't.
- I'm gonna.
38
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,981
- You're gonna hit skin.
- Ifl do, it's the cost of doing business.
39
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,178
[Devices beeping]
40
00:02:58,261 --> 00:02:59,429
Ooh.
41
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:00,972
You smell that, tendi?
42
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:03,600
Each ship on the fleet has its own scent.
43
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:07,646
I think the cerr/tos smells like
toasting marshmallows on a cool night.
44
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,189
- Is that a plasma fire?
- Huh?
45
00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:10,482
[Stammers]
46
00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:13,443
The d53 probably sparked again.
They're so buggy.
47
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,487
Yeah, the whole ship's
kinda falling apart.
48
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:17,781
Yep, this old girl's seen
a lot of light-years.
49
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:20,617
You know, kula told me the Vancouver
has quidic processors
50
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,203
- that self-replicate their own silicas.
- [Gasps] Nah-uh.
51
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:26,581
And he said they had tritanium
hull brackets, and get this, t88s.
52
00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,959
Hey, that can't be right.
T88s aren't even out yet!
53
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,211
- I know!
- It's a starship, not heaven.
54
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:37,509
I can't believe it!
This is the greatest ship I've ever seen!
55
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,594
Are you kidding me? This is amazing!
56
00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:42,764
Uh, guys, it's basically, like,
the same ship as the cerritos.
57
00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:44,725
[Both laugh]
58
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:45,976
Yeah, right! Ooh!
59
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,413
- Let's go look at their thermal mesh!
- I bet it's a double lattice!
60
00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:49,896
- Double lattice!
- Whoo!
61
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,607
Where's Barb? She said she'd meet me here.
62
00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:53,859
Oh, this is too sad.
63
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:56,820
Hey, look, I can set you up
with somebody great on the cerritos.
64
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,781
There's that phylosian in tactical.
She seems like a nice plant person.
65
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,283
- [Gasps] Brad!
- [Gasps}
66
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:02,617
{gasps}
67
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:05,954
uh... what? Uh, c-computer, end program.
68
00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,289
Oh, oh!
69
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:10,125
- Yeah!
- I missed you so much!
70
00:04:12,627 --> 00:04:14,296
Mm. We kissed. Did you see?
71
00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:18,300
Hi. Sorry, it's been a long month.
I'm lieutenant Barbara brinson.
72
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:21,470
Um, I'm... I'm Beckett mariner,
and this is boimler.
73
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:22,679
Yeah, I know.
74
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:25,348
Oh, I can't wait to show you everything.
Come on!
75
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,434
She's a lieutenant?
76
00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,352
But you know, whatever,
it was no big deal.
77
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:31,938
I managed to reverse the polarity
and reboot the time stream.
78
00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:36,693
Good thing too, 'cause, ooh, 19203
Chicago, nobody's washing their hands.
79
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:39,696
[Laughs] Oh, I love that story, bun-bun.
80
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:44,034
Wow. All that's so amazing,
and now you date Brad.
81
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,661
Ugh. I know!
I swore I'd never do long-distance,
82
00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:49,831
but then I met this goofball
on vendu last month.
83
00:04:49,915 --> 00:04:53,460
He radiates a primal confidence.
I'm sure you've felt it.
84
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:55,420
No, I try not to feel anything
around Brad.
85
00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:57,214
- Barbarasaurus Rex!
- Jet?
86
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,466
Get up here!
We're gonna be working together!
87
00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:01,176
- Uh...
- [Barb] Whoa. [Chuckles]
88
00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:02,093
Really?
89
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:05,138
Okay, you can maybe
put her down now. Like, anytime.
90
00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:07,432
Did you hear some purple people
are throwing a tantrum?
91
00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:08,600
Implosion's been postponed.
92
00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:11,228
We gotta recalibrate
the whole goddamn containment field.
93
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:14,856
Oh, boim-boim, looks like
I can't do lunch on the cerritos.
94
00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:15,941
Oh, no, it's fine.
95
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:18,360
It's not like I programmed
a ten-course meal or anything.
96
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:22,364
Hey, see you in engineering,
and I'll try not to bring it downtown.
97
00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:24,908
- Oh, shut up!
- No, you shut up!
98
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,452
- Shut up!
- Ow. Ow. No, you shut up. Stop.
99
00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:28,745
Wait, how do you know jet?
100
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:30,997
He's, like, the second coolest
person on the cerritos.
101
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:33,625
- Ugh. We dated like a billion years ago...
- What?
102
00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:36,127
But he's nothing compared
to my bradward.
103
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:39,923
- [Chuckles] Your real name is bradward?
- Yeah, I'm a bradward.
104
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,758
There's bradleys, there's bradwards.
105
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,344
[Inhales] Feels so good to be near you.
106
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,389
[Kisses, chuckles]
107
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,474
Well, I gotta hand it to you,
you were right.
108
00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:51,017
Barb is great.
109
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,645
A little too great.
110
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:57,858
Hey, Ron docent,
welcome aboard the Vancouver.
111
00:05:57,941 --> 00:05:59,150
She's a beaut, isn't she?
112
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:00,151
- Oh, yeah.
- [Pants]
113
00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:01,778
So the captain, your captain,
114
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,239
has ordered us to look
for alternatives to implosion.
115
00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:07,325
I'm gonna have you two run diagnostics
on the simulation mainframe.
116
00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:09,327
You both comfortable using t88s?
117
00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:11,371
Yes, sir.
So comfortable. Super comfortable.
118
00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:13,206
- [Chuckles]
- I like that enthusiasm.
119
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:16,960
Tell you what. Whoever finishes first
gets their very own t88.
120
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:19,880
You mean like we get to keep them
or is this like a borrow thing?
121
00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,274
We're gonna have to give them back, right?
122
00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:24,050
Nope, I mean keep, like, you keep it...
[Grunts]
123
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,386
Sorry, sir!
Just checking if this is a dream.
124
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,013
I've got a bad feeling about Barb.
125
00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:30,098
I know! I can't believe she used
to date jet!
126
00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:32,601
That guy's like a kirk sundae
with trip Tucker sprinkles.
127
00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:35,687
I'm not messing around.
Barb is way, way, way out of your league.
128
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:37,063
Not out of jet's league.
129
00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:40,191
I... I gotta get jacked. Here we go!
[Grunts repeatedly]
130
00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:43,069
Brad, when a starfleet relationship
seems too good to be true,
131
00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:45,363
then, red alert, man, it probably is.
132
00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,115
- You think she's cheating on me?
- No!
133
00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:50,577
I think she's a secret alien
who's gonna eat you or a romulan spy
134
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,829
or a salt succubus
or an Android or a changeling
135
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,664
or one of those sexy people in rompers
136
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,666
that murders you
just for going on the grass!
137
00:06:56,750 --> 00:07:00,045
I'm sorry, you're saying that because Barb
is awesome and hot and dating me,
138
00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:02,964
that she's an alien? That is messed up,
mariner. That is not cool!
139
00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:05,967
This is real, bradward.
I have seen stuff, man.
140
00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:09,137
Like back when I was serving on the Quito.
141
00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:12,098
[Laughing] You guys!
142
00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,644
Ooh. You hear what happened
on the enterprise?
143
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:17,687
Apparently, data's got
an evil twin brother
144
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,190
who teamed up with the borg. Crazy, right?
145
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:23,109
What? Man, it's like a new thing
every week with those guys.
146
00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:25,946
Right? Like leave some unknown
for the rest of us.
147
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,489
[Both laugh]
148
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,699
Aw. You guys are such a great couple.
149
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:32,494
Oh, what can I say?
I found the perfect guy.
150
00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:35,914
Look, I'm not perfect, okay,
but I do have the perfect friends.
151
00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:39,960
Uh, no, Niko, you are the nicest,
smartest, handsomest guy on this ship.
152
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:42,754
I mean, it's either that
or you're a harvongian shape changer.
153
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,299
I mean, you're too handsome.
154
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,552
- Niko!
- [Screams]
155
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,350
- No!
- Shape changer!
156
00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:58,561
Angie, no!
157
00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:02,148
I'm not gonna sit around
and let a face get melted, not again.
158
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:03,584
You're not leaving my sight, mister.
159
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:06,236
Every minute Barb spends with jet
puts me closer to losing her.
160
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,320
I gotta do something.
161
00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:09,990
And so do I.
162
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:17,515
[Farmer] I don't wanna deal with this
anymore. This always happens to me.
163
00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,379
- This always happens to us.
- Okay, listen up.
164
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:22,460
We will relocate three tons
of moondust for people to worship.
165
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,984
The farmers will have gravity systems
installed for the tides.
166
00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:29,426
And you three, your ancestral homes
will be relocated to the sixth moon,
167
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,720
which will now
technically be the fifth anyway.
168
00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:33,471
Does that work for everyone?
169
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:35,745
- Yeah. I hear what you mean.
- Okay.
170
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,142
[Farmer] Me? I'm fine with it.
171
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:39,352
No, you don't understand!
172
00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:44,107
This moon blocks pollution from mixtus ii!
From reaching my people on mixtus ii.
173
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:46,234
Without this moon, we'll perish.
174
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:49,320
But if we don't destroy it,
the folks on mixtus III will perish.
175
00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:51,865
I know. It's an impossible problem!
176
00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:53,783
Ugh. Well, we're starfleet.
177
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:56,619
Figuring out impossible problems
is what we do,
178
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:59,748
so let's just keep calm
and, uh, try to think of a solut...
179
00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:02,208
No, if you blow up that moon,
you're murderers!
180
00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:05,086
- You'll have blood on your hands!
- Shut up and let me think!
181
00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:07,922
All right, listen up, everybody.
182
00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:10,759
Each of our orbital platforms
will maintain a tractor spread
183
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:12,010
to control lunar debris.
184
00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:17,599
"Da brie"? What is this? A cheese party?
Ha! Hey, babe, it's me. Whoa...
185
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:20,894
Okay, okay. Yep. Okay...
186
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,395
Don't worry, buddy. I got it.
187
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:24,064
Yeah, right.
188
00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:26,399
- Thank you, jet.
- No worries.
189
00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,610
Uh, Brad, um, what are you doing here?
190
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:32,280
Uh, you know, just wanted to see
my girlfriend do her thang.
191
00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:34,032
Yeah, we're together.
192
00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:36,493
Uh, anyway, getting back to the demo...
193
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,703
[Groaning]
194
00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:41,247
- Whoa. Stop it. Stop it. Turn it off.
- Stop!
195
00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:43,434
- What are you doing?
- Whoopsie! Sorry, new tricorder.
196
00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:46,961
She's not an Android 'cause that tone
would have disrupted her positronic brain.
197
00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:49,464
Whatever she is, she's organic.
Okay, I have to get a sample.
198
00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:50,858
- Okay, you're gonna leave now.
- I gotta...
199
00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:53,009
Sorry, guys. Mariner was just leaving.
200
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:56,304
Actually, maybe you should go with her.
We've just got a lot to cover.
201
00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:58,890
Oh, but I didn't get to see you
do your thang.
202
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:02,352
So sweet of you to come by.
I'll meet you later in the mess, okay?
203
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:05,522
Yeah, yeah. No, the mission comes first,
totally. I'll just, you know...
204
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,398
[Jet] You see what I'm talking about?
205
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:12,237
I hope we never blow up that moon.
These t88s are amazing.
206
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,989
Yeah, they're like crazy fast.
How many diagnostics have you run?
207
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:17,367
Fifteen.
Oh, when I come back with this baby,
208
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,244
the guys in engineering are gonna flip!
209
00:10:22,664 --> 00:10:24,666
Yeah, right.
It's gonna be me who takes this back.
210
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:26,292
I'm gonna blow their minds in medical.
211
00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:31,631
- Nope. Sixteen.
- Twenty-two.
212
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,260
- Seventeen, 18, 19, 20...
- Hey, no. Stop! Hey!
213
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:36,779
- 21, 22...
- Don't you use your implant.
214
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:37,887
- 23.
- That's not fair.
215
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,181
I gotta figure this out. I gotta... wait.
216
00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:42,684
Okay, okay, okay.
So, Barb's not a dauphin,
217
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:45,478
but I haven't ruled her out
as a surgically altered cardassian spy
218
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:48,523
or a transporter clone or, bear with me,
bear with me, a suliban.
219
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:49,983
Right, right? A suliban.
220
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:53,111
- Mariner, stop it! Barb's not a suliban!
- Oh, but how do you know?
221
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,363
She is nothing but a great human lady.
222
00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:58,283
You need to stop spinning out
and accept people for who they are.
223
00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:00,246
Now be quiet.
I gotta change everything about me
224
00:11:00,285 --> 00:11:02,245
to trick her into thinking
I'm something I'm not.
225
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:06,249
Computer, analyze the coolest people in
earth history and replicate me an outfit.
226
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,334
Boy's size small.
227
00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:14,841
[Rutherford, tendi grunting]
228
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:17,427
Jet. Ugh. He thinks he's all that.
229
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:20,597
Well, I can be twice as that.
I can be even "thatter."
230
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,806
[Humming]
231
00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:26,811
- Hey, Barb! Get up in here, girl.
- Okay.
232
00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:27,979
[Boimler grunts]
233
00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:29,522
How's the view?
234
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,191
- [Pants]
- That was weird.
235
00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:34,819
'Sup, shippies. Anyone wanna partake
in a little liquid iuncherino?
236
00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:36,154
What are you talking about?
237
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:37,739
Sip it up.
238
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:41,826
Replicator: Beer, big, hot.
I mean, cold. Make it cold.
239
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:44,495
Um... we're still on duty.
What's gotten into you?
240
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:45,955
This is the real boimler, baby.
241
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,499
Guess you didn't know you were dating
a dude dog, who loves...
242
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:49,792
- Whoa.
- [People gasp]
243
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:51,920
- [Gasps] Brad!
- [Stammers] Oh, no.
244
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:53,504
Oh! Mariner, no!
245
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:56,966
Ow! What the [bleep]?
Did you just pull my hair?
246
00:11:57,050 --> 00:12:00,220
Yeah! D... yeah! Did you just pull
her hair? That is messed up, bro.
247
00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:02,430
Get out of here
before I do a citizen's court-martial.
248
00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:05,492
- Come on, Brad. Let me give you a hand.
- Don't touch me, you big, hunk hottie!
249
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,644
Okay, I don't know
what's going on right now.
250
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:11,773
First you come in looking sexy as hell,
but then you ruin it by acting all weird.
251
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:13,858
- I have to go back to work.
- I'll walk you there.
252
00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:16,277
No, I can walk myself.
253
00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:18,112
Come on, jet. Walk me.
254
00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:19,197
[Tricorder beeps]
255
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:23,952
Okay, good news. Maybe bad news.
I am, like, 99.8% sure she's a reptoid.
256
00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:26,371
God, will you just drop it?
Barb is not anything,
257
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:27,914
I mean, other than a great lady.
258
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:30,750
She said you look "sexy."
No, there is no way she's human.
259
00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:32,543
That's her tell. That is a huge tell.
260
00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:34,855
If she's a reptoid,
she's gonna need to find a male partner,
261
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:36,857
jab with her reptoid tail,
implant her reptoid spawn.
262
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:38,383
Stay close. You're safe with me.
263
00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:42,011
Brad! No, Brad!
264
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:45,098
Sir, the platforms
aren't rated for low altitudes.
265
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:48,268
- They'll have to be operated manually.
- Maybe the captain's making progress.
266
00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:51,813
You're all murderers! No, you mad men!
You'll have blood on your hands.
267
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:53,648
She's doing great.
268
00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:57,318
[Barb] There you go, jet.
That's it. Keep pushing it in.
269
00:12:57,402 --> 00:13:00,196
- [Jet groans] Are you sure it'll fit?
- [Barb] We'll make it fit.
270
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,532
- Aha!
- [Both scream]
271
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,575
You're not... sex? I heard sex.
272
00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:05,493
- What?
- [Groans]
273
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:07,829
[Grunts]
274
00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:11,499
You have been a jerko all day
and now you accuse me of cheating?
275
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:13,167
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot.
276
00:13:13,251 --> 00:13:15,962
I was freaking out because you're so smart
and pretty and funny,
277
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:19,048
and I'm... I'm just me.
You should be with a guy like jet.
278
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:22,969
That's what this has been about?
Bradward, nothing is happening with jet.
279
00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:24,721
Oh, no. I ruined everything.
280
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,557
No! No, no, no, it's all dissolving.
It's all dissolving.
281
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,184
Look, I fell for you because you're you,
282
00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:34,397
a sweet, nervous, dainty-hipped nugget.
283
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,399
Let's try to start today over.
284
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,901
Watch out for the tail! [Grunts]
285
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:40,278
- [All gasp]
- Mariner!
286
00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:42,196
- What's your problem?
- Where's her tail?
287
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,450
Reptoids implant with a barbed tail.
They... her name is Barb!
288
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:47,952
Mariner, what the hell? I told you.
289
00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:50,663
I just... I thought that...
I thought there was a tail.
290
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:53,267
[Ransom on combadge] Lieutenant brinson,
report to orbital platform gamma.
291
00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:55,460
- We need manual activation.
- Right away, commander.
292
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:57,253
- Hey, come with me?
- Love to.
293
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,297
Seems like a good way
to start the day over.
294
00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,591
With my human girlfriend!
295
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:05,219
How was I so wrong? [Sighs]
296
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:06,346
[Crunches]
297
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,056
{gags}
298
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:12,268
oh, what? Exoskeletal husk?
299
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:16,356
I wasn't wrong. Barb's a parasite.
Bradward! Bradward, wait!
300
00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:18,334
- Bradward! Brad... get out of my way.
- [Grunts]
301
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,484
Move. Move, Jennifer.
302
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:22,236
Bradward! Bradward, wait! Bradward!
303
00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,156
Where's Ron? I want my t88.
304
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:26,884
You wouldn't even know what to do
with a t88.
305
00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,135
Besides, they're way better for medical.
306
00:14:28,159 --> 00:14:29,803
- That's not true.
- You know what I could do with that?
307
00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:31,388
- You know what I could do?
- I could solve problems...
308
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,223
- Figure out when people are sick.
- I could solve problems.
309
00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:34,248
You can't even solve...
310
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:37,251
This is great work, and you finished
at the exact same time.
311
00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:39,337
Looks like you're both joining
the Vancouver.
312
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,588
Congratulations.
313
00:14:40,671 --> 00:14:42,757
Wait, what do you mean
"joining the Vancouver"?
314
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,802
I told you. Whoever finished first
would get to keep the t88
315
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,887
and use it here, on the Vancouver.
316
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:50,348
W-We thought we'd get
to take it back to the cerritos.
317
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,308
Hang tight.
I'm gonna write up the transfer.
318
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,977
Don't worry, the admiral used to be
my grandma's neighbor.
319
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:56,854
Quiet guy. He'll push it right through.
320
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,358
[Panting]
321
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:01,859
Computer, locate boimler.
322
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:03,861
Oh, crap, crap, crap!
323
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:06,322
Requesting emergency transport
to platform gamma.
324
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,366
Authorization, uh, mariner 8.
325
00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:10,849
[Officer on combadge] Request denied.
Is that a made-up code?
326
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,750
- Who is this 7 clear this channel.
- [9 as ps}
327
00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:18,292
bradward! Bradward!
Bradward, wait! [Grunts]
328
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:22,588
[Grunts, pants] Oh, no.
Oh, no. Gotta get bradward.
329
00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:24,298
[Grunting]
330
00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:29,929
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh no, bradward.
331
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:31,389
[Pants]
332
00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:35,351
Captain's log. Long-range sensors
have located a very sexy... [screams]
333
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,310
- Mariner!
- Oh, no.
334
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:39,105
- Definitely no. No to this and also that.
- Stop looking at me!
335
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,903
[Screaming]
336
00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:48,841
Get out of here.
Barb will be back any second.
337
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,450
This is me sex time, okay?
338
00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,994
Look at this.
It's the husk of a neural parasite.
339
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:54,162
I don't care. I'm naked.
340
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:58,166
You're not listening. Barb is a parasite.
She's a creature of some sort.
341
00:15:58,249 --> 00:16:01,043
All right. Two for emergency be...
Hey! Give it back.
342
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:04,005
You'd rather make a fake husk
than admit that you were wrong?
343
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:06,591
Terrible. Shame on you!
344
00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:09,177
It has been a long time
since I've taken a lover,
345
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,137
let alone a lover like Barb.
346
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:14,182
I am staying here,
and I am making love to my lover.
347
00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:16,184
Oh, please stop saying "lover."
348
00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:19,270
[Computer] Warning.
Platform approaching critical altitude.
349
00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:20,396
[Alarm blaring]
350
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,564
Boimler!
351
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,360
[Together] Stay away from him.
352
00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:27,695
[Grunts]
353
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:29,947
The vancouveris awesome.
354
00:16:30,031 --> 00:16:33,117
The fluidic processors,
the tritanium hull brackets,
355
00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:35,286
- the door whoosh.
- [Together] Whoosh.
356
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:37,663
Honestly,
the cerritos might be falling apart,
357
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:40,458
but that's kind of awesome too.
It's ourjob to keep it together.
358
00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:43,252
Yeah, and the way that she shakes
and creaks and moans at warp 7.
359
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:44,795
I bet the vancouverdoesn't do that.
360
00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,256
With those inertial dampers?
You gotta be kidding me.
361
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,780
And you know what the Vancouver
doesn't have? All our friends.
362
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:52,762
- We have to tell Ron we're staying here.
- What if he gets mad at us?
363
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:55,056
He's a professional.
Professionals don't get pissed.
364
00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:55,973
What?
365
00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:57,817
I'm sorry,
but we wanna stay on the cerritos.
366
00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,936
Tough! I already wrote up the transfer.
367
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,313
As soon as I click this button,
it's going through.
368
00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:04,815
Wait a second. You can't just transfer us
against our will.
369
00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:08,319
[Scoffs] Watch me. Do I need to remind you
who my grandma's neighbor was?
370
00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:11,531
I guess I do. It was the admiral,
and he's a psycho.
371
00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:13,324
- [Tendi grunts]
- Hey! You can't do that.
372
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:16,327
- [Grunts]
- Don't kick my padd. That's an order.
373
00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:18,329
- [Grunts]
- Got it.
374
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,373
- [Screaming]
- Get back here!
375
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:23,084
Don't kill my people.
You're the federation!
376
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:26,212
You're the good guys!
Remember the prime directive?
377
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,422
[Stammers] That doesn't even apply here.
378
00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:29,966
Captain, we're running out of time.
379
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:33,094
The flooding has already started and
the platforms weren't designed for this.
380
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,430
[Grunting]
381
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:38,891
I'm not letting you hurt boimler.
382
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:40,643
I'm protecting him.
383
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:42,770
- From what? [Grunts]
- [Grunts]
384
00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:46,774
From you! You really think
I'd buy you guys are best friends?
385
00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:50,111
He's mousy, sweet, and soft,
and you're a badass space adventurer!
386
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:53,698
I knew there was something wrong
from the moment I met you.
387
00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:55,074
No. Something's wrong with you.
388
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:59,412
First I thought you were
a rogue holodeck character,
389
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:02,081
then, because of the way
you were lurking around all day,
390
00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:04,000
I thought you were a breen infiltrator.
391
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,585
- [Grunts]
- [Groans]
392
00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:07,753
What? That wasn't lurking.
That was protecting.
393
00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:11,090
Finally, I realized
you're probably a parasite.
394
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:12,300
- Hi-yah!
- [Grunts]
395
00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:13,467
Bitch, you're the parasite.
396
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:17,221
Exactly what a parasite
would say, parasite.
397
00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:18,639
[Panting]
398
00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:19,849
[Screams]
399
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,101
- Give me back my padd!
- [Rutherford] Let's go.
400
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:23,185
[Grunts]
401
00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:26,063
Do not get on that turbolift!
402
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,109
Here's the plan:
I'll reroute the turbolift controls.
403
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,778
- You try to guess his passcode.
- [Ron] Give me back my padd!
404
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:35,990
The impact on our environment
would affect both of us.
405
00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:37,992
We'd have to move our whole civilization.
406
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:41,829
I know, but how can... wait, "both"?
What... what... what do you mean "both"?
407
00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,789
How many people are in your civilization?
408
00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:44,874
Me and my wife.
409
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:49,378
There are two [bleep]ing people
on your whole [bleep]ing planet?
410
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,881
Well, yes. We're, uh, we're rich.
411
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:52,882
Implode the moon.
412
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,717
- Yes, captain.
- You maniacs.
413
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,428
We just redid the floors!
414
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:07,229
This isn't over.
415
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:10,066
You don't know boimler like I do.
He will figure you out.
416
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:13,444
I mean, sometimes it takes him a minute.
Hell, on sendu iv it took him a week
417
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:16,298
to realize he was peeing in their
species' sinks and not their toilets.
418
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,758
But you know what?
He gets there eventually.
419
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:20,993
Wait, that was him?
He told me that happened to a friend.
420
00:19:21,077 --> 00:19:23,579
Yeah, he wishes.
No, someone came in to wash their hands
421
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,665
and just caught him
going right in the sink.
422
00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,166
[Laughs] You know what?
423
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:31,671
On our second date,
he "shook hands" with a lortian's egg sac.
424
00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:34,215
- [Chuckles] Oh, stop.
- [Laughs]
425
00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:35,883
- No.
- He was so pissed.
426
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:36,967
[Both laughing]
427
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:43,140
Okay, then... and then sqill
looked at boimler and said,
428
00:19:43,224 --> 00:19:44,892
"that's my dorsal."
429
00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:46,143
[Both laugh]
430
00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:48,437
You guys have been through a lot together.
431
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:53,067
[Sighs] Yeah. I mean, he is a dork,
for sure, but he's my dork.
432
00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:55,111
Well, you're clearly not a parasite,
433
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,863
or you wouldn't have let him [bleep]
in front of the admiral.
434
00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:59,448
Well, thanks. And, you know,
435
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:02,201
you're not seeming so much
like a parasite either, by the way.
436
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:05,287
Hey, if it's gonna make you feel better,
just scan me.
437
00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:07,915
- [Tricorder beeps]
- You are a human. Yep.
438
00:20:07,998 --> 00:20:10,678
You ever get those feelings
like you were just sure about something?
439
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,294
Like I was sure you were a parasite,
440
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:14,922
but you're actually a very nice
attractive human woman.
441
00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:16,924
[Beeping]
442
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:18,175
Uh-oh.
443
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:19,176
[Groans]
444
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,303
- [Both scream]
- This isn't me.
445
00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:23,681
- I don't want to stun you.
- Then don't!
446
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:24,849
Come on. Come on.
447
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,350
Give me back my padd!
448
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:27,977
- Look, just hand me the phaser.
- Ow!
449
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,770
Oh, my god! You made me stun you.
450
00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:31,105
I can't feel my hand.
451
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:33,774
Oh, god! Oh, god! What have I done?
452
00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:35,901
- Ow! Aaah!
- I got the password. It was "riker."
453
00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:37,194
No, no. Don't read that.
454
00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:41,115
What the heck? You're transferring
yourself to the cerritos?
455
00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:42,825
I thought we could swap places.
456
00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:44,744
You don't know what it's like here.
457
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:46,996
It's so stressful. It's so epic.
458
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:50,166
It's all, "tow this space station,"
and "calibrate the Dyson sphere."
459
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,918
"Go back in time and kill the guy
that was worse than Hitler."
460
00:20:53,002 --> 00:20:56,589
[Groans] I just wanna be back
on a smaller ship doing simpler work.
461
00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:59,216
I don't wanna be epic anymore. [Crying]
462
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:02,553
Geez, working on the Vancouver
screws you up.
463
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:07,433
I'm sorry I phasered you.
This is not Ron Emmanuel docent junior.
464
00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:09,018
Can we just keep this between us?
465
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:11,020
You'll delete the transfer order?
466
00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:13,397
There. Done.
467
00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:16,150
And, um, throw in a t88 for each of us.
468
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:18,152
Hey, now. That I can't do.
469
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:20,529
Oh, that's cool.
It wasn't like I was using my implant
470
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:23,032
to record all this as evidence
for your court-martial.
471
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:24,658
- [Chuckles] I was.
- [Eye beeps]
472
00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:27,661
Okay, a couple of t88s coming right up.
473
00:21:27,745 --> 00:21:28,954
[Tricorder beeping]
474
00:21:31,165 --> 00:21:32,166
[Beeping intensifies]
475
00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:37,129
{gags}
476
00:21:37,213 --> 00:21:38,923
it's squishy. Give me a hand.
477
00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,549
- Oh, my god!
- [Barb] Oh, god.
478
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:43,469
- Stop! Don't! Lover! Lover!
- Oh, god.
479
00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:46,013
Lover! Lover! Lover! Lover! Lover!
480
00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:48,724
- Oh, god. What the hell was that?
- Lovenlovenloven
481
00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:50,976
it was always me, Barb.
482
00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:54,021
I'm going to treat you to dinner.
Let me out. Let me out.
483
00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:56,398
Hmm. Apparently, this species reproduces
484
00:21:56,482 --> 00:21:59,568
by making their host chemically
irresistible to potential mates.
485
00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:01,362
So, boimler must've picked it up...
486
00:22:01,445 --> 00:22:04,198
Right before he met me. Exactly.
487
00:22:04,281 --> 00:22:07,535
Wait, wait. So are you saying
you only liked me because of the parasite?
488
00:22:07,618 --> 00:22:08,994
Please, I'm a starfleet officer.
489
00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:11,497
You think I'd be into a guy
just because of his pheromones?
490
00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:14,041
Oh, thank god. I was worried
you were gonna break up with me.
491
00:22:14,124 --> 00:22:16,669
Yeah, listen, Brad. You're sweet,
492
00:22:16,752 --> 00:22:19,338
but right now I need to put
all my energy into my job.
493
00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:21,882
Specifically studying
this fascinating parasite.
494
00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:24,093
Lovenlovenlovenloven
iovenlovenloven
495
00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:25,386
- lover! Lover! Lover!
- Aw.
496
00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:27,429
- She did break up with me.
- Lover! Lover!
497
00:22:27,513 --> 00:22:30,808
You'll find someone who loves you
without a googa attached to your skull.
498
00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:32,226
You're just saying that.
499
00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:35,104
No, I'm not. You're a catch, man.
You're real.
500
00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:36,438
I am real.
501
00:22:36,522 --> 00:22:39,108
Hey, mare. See you next month
at the m'tari tournament?
502
00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:43,737
Oh, you know it.
And I'll try not to bring it downtown.
503
00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:46,240
- [Laughs] Shut up.
- [Mariner chuckles]
504
00:22:46,323 --> 00:22:47,783
Wait, you guys made plans?
505
00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:49,577
We bonded while you were knocked out.
506
00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:51,704
- Over what?
- Nothing. Just girl stuff.
507
00:22:51,787 --> 00:22:53,789
So you shook a lortian's egg sac?
508
00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:56,208
Wait, how do... oh... oh, no. Oh, no!
509
00:22:58,794 --> 00:22:59,795
[Grunts]
510
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:02,882
The cerritos might be falling apart,
but it's nice to be back home.
511
00:23:02,965 --> 00:23:06,051
Yeah. I missed that smoky smell.
[Chuckles]
512
00:23:06,135 --> 00:23:10,556
So, uh, hey, um, before we left
the Vancouver, I got you something.
513
00:23:11,724 --> 00:23:13,100
[Chuckles] You shouldn't have.
514
00:23:13,183 --> 00:23:15,436
I figured the cerritos
could use them a lot more than...
515
00:23:15,519 --> 00:23:17,771
No, no, no. I mean, look.
I stole a bunch too.
516
00:23:19,273 --> 00:23:21,692
Yep. This, this is why we're friends.
517
00:24:22,836 --> 00:24:24,276
Pewpevv/ pevv, pevv, pevv/ pew pevvl
518
00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:27,299
chirp.
40686
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