All language subtitles for Jane Fonda & George Segal - Fun with Dick and Jane (1977).co

* Long ago

* We were young

* We played games

* It was fun

* Wise men say
all things go too fast *

* And babies don't last

* They grow up as soon
as they get the chance *

* Let's face it

* A whole new way
of behavin' *

* With brand-new rules
to break *

* Wah-hoo!

* How time flies

* We were once
ahead of the game *

* Can you remember
when gettin' up was easy? *

* No sweat

* And we could exist
on wax and gum completely *

* The things we used to think
were crazy *

* Now they seem
so very sane *

* Wah-hoo!

* How time flies

* We were once
ahead of the game *

* Wah-hoo!

* How time flies

* We were once
ahead of the game *

* Love hit us
right between the eyes *

* It wasn't fair

* We never had a chance

* Sometimes
you have to sit right back *

* And laugh

* It goes so fast

* As sure as there's
a Sunday morning, baby *

* We're going to get
our piece of the cake *

* Wah-hoo!

* How time flies

* We were once
ahead of the game *

* Wah-hoo!

* How time flies

* We were once
ahead of the game *

* Wah-hoo!

* How time flies

* We were once
ahead of the game *

Morning, Mr. Harper.

Morning, Jeff.

Hi, Ralph.
Morning, sir.

Hello?

Security.

Dick...

Charlie.

I've been waiting
for you.

How have you been?

Sit down.
Pour yourself a drink.

Thanks, Charlie.

This business stinks,
you know that?

Well...

It stinks.

It used to be

the most exciting business
in the world,

and now it stinks
on ice.

It's been
a rough year.

It stinks.

I guess it does stink.

It stinks on ice.

All right, on ice.

You know,

it was a great feeling
to be part of the team

that tied the lace on the shoe

that took that giant step
for mankind.

You don't get that feeling from
building a goddamn missile.

Now, what's
all this crap?

It's my plan
to re-organize my department.

One small step...

one giant step
for mankind.

I wouldn't say that,
but it's not a bad plan.

You know who made
that step possible?

We did, you and me...

and Bob Kane, Frank Chapman.

We put Neil and what's-his-name
on the bloody moon,

and then they gave
us the shaft.

It stinks...

on ice.

What do you say
we talk turkey?

Right, Charlie.

I was thinking
more in terms

of cutting costs
than personnel.

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

I was just talking turkey.

Dick...

I always thought

you were the kind of guy
I didn't have to bullshit.

I'm glad to hear that.

Can I level with you?

Sure.

I mean, really level?

Charlie,
you can tell me anything.

You're fired.

I must have fired
50 people today,

but that's the first time
I did it like that.

The first time
I ever said,

just, like,
"You're fired".

Practice
makes perfect.

No, I shouldn't
have done that.

It's just that I'm sick
of all the bullshit.

Wait a minute.

You're serious?

Would I kid a pal?

No jokes, Charlie.
You're really firing me?

I don't have to tell you
what a lousy year we've had.

I haven't done a bad job.

Oh, you've done
a hell of a job,

and don't you let anybody
tell you different.

Then why me?

My divisions
out-performed everybody's.

Seniority.
I think that's what it was.

I'm sure that's what it was.

Seniority. Yeah.

Do you mean

that when you compare
the productivity

in my division...

Dick...

Do you mind if we don't go
into all that crap right now?

Frankly, I'm...
I'm a little bit looped,

and I've got blood
on my hands...

a lot of blood.

Oh, Mr. Harper.

I'll have
to get back to you.

I just want to say

I'm very sorry
you're leaving us.

Well, thank you.

Did Mr. Blanchard
tell you about the car?

What car?

The company car
you've been using.

You may retain the use of it
for two weeks.

Isn't that thoughtful?

But we must have
your company credit cards now,

please.

Goodbye, Mr. Harper.

Jane?

Hey, what is this?

This is distressing.

Jane.

Jane...

Hey, sweetie.
you're home early.

I've got to
talk to you.

I've got to talk to you,
Mr. Harper.

Listen,

the second payment's due
on the pool.

I've been fired.

Billy, will you
get your friend

out of the cement?

I've been fired.

Huh?

I've been fired!

Oh, baby.

What did you say?

He said he's tired.

Hey, Mr. Harper,
you were canned today.

Yeah.

What sign are you? Huh?

Uh...

He's an Aquarius.

Oh, you poor bastard.

I knew it.

What a bummer.

Mars is in
direct conjunction

with Saturn.

Ah, it's a tough time
for us Aquarians.

You know that bill
I gave you, for the pool,

the second payment?

I'll give you
till next Wednesday.

Hmm.

Ah, Esperanza.

La cena is ready.

Thank you.

Gracias.

Mm.

I can't believe
that Charlie fired you.

Charlie fired me.

Dirty rat.

After all the years
of bottom-pinching

I took from him?

Does that mean
we're going to be poor

like the Waltons?

No, Billy, it doesn't.

What are we going to do
about the pool?

We'll get it finished first.

We won't heat it...

not until you get
another job.

How are we going to swim
if it's cold?

Billy is absolutely right.

What will the neighbors say

if they don't see any steam
coming off our pool

on a chilly night?

I'm going to make some
economies around here.

Billy, we're going to give up
our ski lessons.

God!

No more French wines at home,
sir.

Oh, God!

And I will drop
the Book of the Month Club.

But what about my drum set?

Family,

everything's going to be
all right.

There's absolutely nothing
to worry about.

Take that stuff up there.

Hey you, in the truck.
Watch those plants.

Watch those...

Stop it.

Hello, Mrs. Harper.

That goes next.

What in God's name

do you think
you're doing?

You got our notice,
Mrs. Harper?

Yes. I sent you a check.

Bouncy, bouncy.

That's naughty,
Mrs. Harper.

Hey, hey,
watch those plants.

Watch that stuff.

Get it up
over there.

Look,
I'll give you another check.

Two checks bounced
already, Mrs. Harper.

Your mother
may have carried you

for nine months,

but we'll only carry you
for two.

Clear that bank off.

Look, just because the bank
made a mistake,

there's no reason
to come and dig up...

My tree!

Not yours. Ours.

We put this stuff in,

and now we're going
to tear it out.

Watch it.

If you don't want
to lose your shirt,

don't put it
on the cuff.

You're using
Gestapo tactics.

That's impossible.
I'm Jewish.

Hey, hey, watch those
plants over there.

Ah...

Now watch them roots.

That's right,

I'd like you to take
all of these bushes out,

all of these trees,
everything up there,

every rotten weed
in this whole garden,

and this...
come here for a second.

Would you please remove
this tracheotomy

or whatever it's called?

This is not
what we ordered,

and I told you so
a month ago.

Oh. Can you
believe this?

I told them,
you plant what we want

or I'm going to make
you take it all back.

What a ripoff.

That's right,
roll up the lawn.

I don't like the lawn
either.

Astroturf has more life
than this stuff.

You will never work
in this neighborhood again.

I'll tell you that.

Yeah.

Hey, Mom,
you were terrific.

You think so, kid?

Mm-hm.

What do you want?

I want the plants inside.

Listen, you step one foot
in this house,

I'm going to call
the police.

I still want the plants.

Pretty grim, huh?

What are we going to tell Dad
when he comes home?

Oh.

Are you going to tell me
how bad things are,

or are you just
going to wait

for the roof
to fall in on my head?

Well, it really isn't
as bad as it looks.

Nothing is as bad
as this looks.

Dick, we don't have any income
and we don't have any assets.

What do you mean

we don't have
any assets?

Well, other than
the sun in the morning

and the moon at night.

We've got this house.

We owe $77,000
on this house,

and if you were
to die right now,

how would I
pay it off?

It'd come out
of the insurance.

We don't have
any insurance.

You borrowed against it.

Oh, right, right.
I forgot.

Look, this is ridiculous.
I won't die tonight.

I don't know.
The night is young.

It's comforting to know

that when things
really get tough,

I'll have you
standing behind me

with an ice pick
in your hand.

You've been leading
a secret life

for these last years.

I mean, what, for example,

what are Unsecured
Municipal Debentures?

I don't know, I...

Look, I gambled
a few things and lost.

You gambled. You lost.

What about me?

I gambled and lost,

and I didn't even get
a chance to play.

I didn't even watch.

Excuse me,
but I thought

that your interest
in economics

was limited
to the spending part.

I always thought of you

as a responsible
aerospace executive.

Who would have known

you were the Typhoid Mary
of High Finance?

If I'd consulted you,

there wouldn't have been
a recession,

I wouldn't have lost my job.

If you think you can
do better, take over.

It would be hard
to do it any worse.

Go ahead, be my guest.
It's all yours.

My very thought,

and my first act as Director
of Family Economics

is to put you on an allowance.

On a what?

What kind of lunatic
spends $1,000 on lunch

when he's out of a job
and deeply in debt?

The kind that knows
that you can't get a job

if you look
like a loser.

If I was Diners Club,

I'd have your stomach bronzed
and put in the Hall of Fame.

Your job for the moment...

get on the food stamp program,
look for work in your field.

Excuse me.

Why don't I get a job-job,
like a busboy or a waiter?

I mean, if we're not too proud
to go on welfare...

We can't afford it.

Can't afford it?

You can earn more money
on unemployment

than you could
on any of those jobs.

My job is to get a job-job.

You're going to get a job?

Mm-hmm, yes.
Incredible as it may seem.

May I ask...
no offense, mind you...

What do you think
you're qualified to do?

Secretary of the Treasury
seems to be filled

at the moment.

There must be lots
I can do.

Oh, come on, Jane.

You never worked
a day in your life,

and you can't type
and can't take shorthand.

I'm a college graduate,

reasonably intelligent,
not altogether unattractive.

Yes, but will you be happy
being a hooker?

Interesting that
the only two jobs

you consider me qualified for

are secretary and hooker.

You're not qualified
to be a secretary.

What an interview.

Oh, don't take it
too hard, honey.

It's only
the first time.

Take it too hard?
I start on Monday.

Oh, that's wonderful.

The line ends
after me, mister.

Oh, sorry.

That's a pretty nice suit,
mister.

Thank you.

You've got some nerve
coming in here

dressed like that.

People in here
need this money.

This ain't no damn joyride.

Hey, you're Mr. Harper,
aren't you?

Taft Aerospace?

Yeah.

I'm Raoul Esteban. Remember?

I was in the Taft
Maintenance Division.

I used to do your office.

Oh, sure, Raoul.

How are you doing, man?

Hey, they canned you too, huh?

It's a little more
complicated than that.

Is this your first
time in here?

Damn right.

Man, are you in luck.

I'm going to take care of you.

Mi casa, su casa,
you know what I mean?

Oh, sure.

First thing though.
Look, you're in the wrong line.

I'm going to lose
my place here, Raoul.

Information...

they make you wait in line
two hours,

and all they do is tell you
to fill out one of these.

I'm going to take care of you.

I'm going to have an operation
in a month.

You know, the operation,

and my analyst said

I should start
making the adjustment,

and, uh, well,
that's why they fired me,

just for wearing
a most demure gray maxi

with a matching cashmere
twin set.

It's all here
in the letter from my analyst.

Let me check this out.

Maybe we should pick
another line.

What do you say?

Listen, man,
it's no sweat.

They ain't going to
hassle you.

Look what
your card says,

"aerospace executive."

Yeah, but I'm not that
anymore.

In here, man,
you are what you were.

You're going to get
104 bucks a week.

All I get is 50.

You're top guy
around here.

They ain't going to mess
with a guy like you.

Well, why do I have to see
the supervisor?

It's all so simple.

I'm sorry.

Oh, all right.

Shoot.

I've seen some
fruits in my day,

but he really takes the cake,
huh?

Not really.

Oh, come on.

That's the flamingest faggot
I've ever seen.

In the first place,
he's a transsexual,

not a fruit, not a fag,
not even a homosexual.

He has the mind, soul,
and desires

of a woman imprisoned
in a man's body,

and now,
what can I do for you, sir?

Uh...

Oh, God.

Good night.

Dick, do you resent it
that I got a job?

Don't be silly.

Well, you shouldn't
feel threatened, because...

Now look, Jane,

I don't resent
you getting a job.

I'm thrilled
you got a job.

I can tell
by the way you're shouting.

I'm shouting

because I've got an interview
at 9:00 in the morning

about food stamps and I'd like
to get some sleep,

or maybe,

now that you've conquered
the business world,

we don't need them.

Dick, I thought
you were going today

to get food stamps.

Jane, you just don't
get food stamps.

You just don't come in
off the street

and say, "I'd like
some food stamps,"

and then they give you
some food stamps.

It happens to be

a very difficult
and complicated process.

I'm sure you can handle it,
sweetie.

I don't know.

You getting this job

might have screwed up
our eligibility.

Oh, Spot,
will you shut up?

It's all politics, man,
all politics.

You don't have to
worry about it.

Come on.

Ah...

Ah-ha!

Yeah, yeah, so?

So a guy comes
to your house...

Wait a second.
Wait a second.

A guy comes to my house?

He wants to see
where you got to cook.

He wants to see
if you're telling the truth

about how many people
you've got living there.

All right, all right.
A guy comes to my house...

First, you have to
fill out the forms.

Tell him
about the forms.

What about the forms?

Then you get
the buy vouchers,

which you take to a place
that sells, uh...

Are these guys
putting me on?

You want to know how
to get food stamps, right?

Yeah.

So we're trying
to explain.

What do you think,

it's dinner for two
at Trader Vics?

All right, all right,

so after the visits
and after the forms,

how much do I get?

Excuse me.
I'm going to explain.

Por favor.

Now you're going to put down

you got just one wife
and one kid, right?

Yeah. Any of you guys
have more than one wife?

Give him the one
wife and kid.

One wife...

and one kid,

and you're getting your
unemployment now, right?

How much do I get?

You get 108 bucks worth
a month.

Imigracion!

Something I said?

Just a couple
Immigration Police

coming in
to check things out.

Oh.

Hey, Francisco,
dos cervezas, por favor.

Okay, Pancho,

let's see your
immigration card.

Huh?

Don't play games.
Your card.

Hey, man,
he's an aerospace executive.

He sends people to the moon.

Yeah, and I'm
Flash Gordon.

What, are you crazy?

You got those beers?

All right, buddy, come on.
You're going downtown.

Listen, I'm not your buddy,
and I don't speak Spanish.

Really?
That's what they all say.

Yeah, because I said cerveza
and po r favor?

Everybody says por favor.

How about vaya con dios?

Oh, Paula,

I don't have
the same shoes.

Oh, honey,

they're always sending
mismatches.

Uh, where are the falsies?

They're in the box
over there on the chair.

Here, just stick this
in your heel.

That ought to do it,

and don't worry,

after all,
modeling is nothing more

but organized walking.

Hey, you're on.

Come on.

Oh...

I'm...I'm terribly sorry.

How much is this, please?

$185.

185?

Miss! Miss!

How much
is this dress?

It's a nightgown.

I don't know anyway, though.
I'm sorry.

You don't know?
What a klutz.

Who is she?

Some friend of the
fashion coordinator's.

Hello, Jane.

Oh, my God, Dick,
what have you done?

A guy by the name
of Jim Weeks

is coming to lunch.

He wants to talk to me
about a job.

Where did you get
the money?

I've got friends.

We'll tell him
you're on a diet.

Well, why don't we tell him
you're on a diet?

This is not fun, Jane.

This is serious.

Do you really think
he's going to offer you a job?

As long as he thinks
I don't need one.

I know those bastards.

Yech.

Yeah, that's funny.

That's funny.

What are you
going to do?

Okay, what is it?

An Eskimo peeing.

An Eskimo peeing!

Oh, Jane, it's
absolutely lovely.

I just wished you
could have joined us,

that's all.

Oh, is that funny.

Honey, could we have
some coffee

in the living room?

Certainly.

Shall we repair, Jim?

Oh, I think that's
a hell of an idea.

That's very funny.

Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you, Dick.
Thank you.

You know,
I love your house.

It's solid.
It's a real home.

Not much.

Thank you, Jim.
We like it.

Thank you.

It does tend to grow
a little confining,

you know?

Oh, I do, I do.

Look, Dick,

I'm not going to beat
around the bush with you.

We like you.

We like your style.

Thank you, Jim.

We like your mind.

Thank you.

But we can't pay you the money
you've been getting at Taft...

I mean, not in
straight salary, that is.

30 thou.

That's our top.

30, eh?

Gee, I don't know, Jim, uh...

Well, if you
play ball with us,

why, I tell you,

the sky is the limit.

It's attractive, Jim,
it's damn attractive,

but I've got several irons
in the fire now,

and I'd like to
think about it.

Oh, sure, sure,
think about it.

Thank you, Jane.

I'm not trying to rush you.
I wouldn't even dream of it.

I like to consider
the complete picture.

Sure, sure,

consider
the complete picture,

but printed circuits,
not rocket ships, Dick.

Collecting and storing
information

right here
on Mother Earth,

that's the future,

and any man

with a thought
about industry

in 10 years' time,

any man thinking
about tomorrow,

will say goodbye
to aerospace today.

What are you doing, Jane?

I'm just closing
the shutters, Dick.

Why don't you take
Mr. Weeks out

to see the backyard?

Backyard?

Open up the door,
Mrs. Harper,

or we're going to huff
and we're going to puff

and we're going to blow
your house down.

We want the indoor plants,
deadbeat.

Plants ain't free

just because
they grow on trees,

deadbeat.

I know you're in there,
deadbeat.

Excuse me, Jim.

You can't buy
a rubber plant

with a rubber check,
Harper.

I know you're in there,
deadbeat.

Hey, what the hell's
going on here?

We've come for our plants,
deadbeat.

I'm having a meeting.

You can't
come in here now.

I can't?

Okay, Tippy.

Excuse me.

"Jane," she asked,

"Would you care
for a cognac"?

"Yes, thank you
very much.

I'd like one desperately."

Watch it, lady.

Hey, Igo,

could you do something
about that tree?

Yes, sir.

Afternoon, Harper.

Hello, Nesbit.

You know, uh...

the wind's been
kicking up your yard

and blowing it
into our windows.

I'm going to seed it.

You're having
a garage sale?

Uh, yeah,
odds and ends.

Declassé, Harper,
très declassé.

I mean, it brings
all the riffraff

in the neighborhood.

You know what I mean.

Hey, man,

the opera's coming
to town next Tuesday.

So what?

So 40 bucks
a night, man, cash.

Can you sing?

Hell, no.

All you've got to do
is stand around

while the rest of them sing.

Sometimes you carry a spear,

other times,
you hold the elephant.

It's real easy, man.

Excuse me, Nesbit.

Private matter
to discuss.

What about unemployment?

We don't tell them, man.

Suppose they find out?

Hey, how are they
going to find out?

They pay us in cash, Jim.

There's no papers,
nothing.

No way
they'll find out.

You mean I'm going to be
a welfare chiseler?

Hey, hey, hey,
look, man,

a welfare chiseler

is just some bum
who doesn't want to work.

We want to work, don't we?

Yeah, but the rules say

you can't work
and collect unemployment.

You can't always go
by the rules, man.

There are times when you have
to run some heavy numbers.

"When in the course
of human events,"

you know what I mean?

And how about those guys

like Rockefeller
and Dupont?

Do you think
they let a few crummy rules

stand in their way?

That's
the whole enchilada

that made
this country great, man.

I never thought of it
like that.

Well, you'd better
start thinking

about these things, man.

I ain't no deadbeat
welfare chiseler,

and neither are you.

I'm sorry.

That's okay, man.

Cool it.

Cool it, cool it.

Cool it.
That's enough.

So you didn't work last week,
Mr. Harper?

That's right.

That's funny.

I caught your gypsy act
the other night.

Divine.

Too bad I won't see you
for three years.

No unemployment
for three years.

I can't believe it.

Hey, you've got to look
on the positive side.

They could have
sent you to jail.

Unemployment's
the only thing we had.

What am I
going to tell Jane?

I wouldn't tell her.

Hello, dear.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, we're just fine.

It is so nice
to see you.

Oh, how thoughtful.

Well, your father's
waiting to see you.

Hi, Dad.

Jane brought us
some flowers, dear.

Hello, Jane.

Would you like
a cup of tea, dear?

Oh, no thanks, Mom.

Over here.

I discussed your phone call
with your mother yesterday

after I hung up.

"What does she want
to see us about?"

Didn't I say that,
Mother?

Yes.

Something
you couldn't discuss

over the phone,
you said.

Yes, that's right, Dad.

Well, I narrowed it down
to three possibilities...

health, emotion, or money.

Let's take health.

Is there someone ill?

Oh...

No. I ruled that out myself,

because I distinctly remember
asking about everyone's health,

and your answer was positive
without hesitation...

which brings us to emotion...

at your age,
a euphemism for "divorce."

Well, you never came
to see us

to talk about
marrying him,

so why should you come

to talk about
divorcing him?

No, a divorce
can be handled

in a phone call,
so...

it's money.

You're broke.

That's it, isn't it?

Whoever said
Sherlock Holmes was dead,

eh, Mom?

I was right, Mother.

They're broke.

Dick hasn't had a job
in over three months, Dad.

Why didn't you tell us
before, dear?

Well, we were sure
he could get another job, Mom,

and we didn't want
to worry you.

I unloaded all
of my aerospace stock

the day they first
landed on the moon.

I knew that was the peak,
and I was right.

It's a depressed
industry.

Depressed and depressing.

I was right

about the aerospace
stocks, Mother.

You certainly were.

Jane...

I'll make it easier for you.

You've come here
to borrow money, haven't you?

Yes, Dad.

Oh.

Well, I'd love
to help you,

I really would,

but I can't.

I'm just opposed
to borrowing or lending

on principle.

Self-reliance,

it's like a...

religious thing to me.

Ralph Waldo Emerson,

he is like my God.

"Need breaks iron."
That's what he said.

Well, it certainly
broke us, Dad.

I told Mother
for years

that both of you
have been living

far beyond your means.

Nothing,
just nothing at all

set aside
for a rainy day.

All right...

it's the monsoon season,

you're standing outside
in torn raincoats.

Come through this
by yourselves,

and you'll be dry
for the rest of your lives.

Take money from me,
and you'll be wet, soaking wet,

from now on.

Jane, this is the best thing
that could have happened,

especially for Dick.

I'm so happy for both of you,
especially for Dick.

What about Billy?

Well, when I was his age,

I remember Mr. Nostic
gave me...

Dad?

My first paper route.

Dad! I've heard
that story already.

Dad, Billy is doing his
homework by candlelight.

Splendid.
So did Abraham Lincoln.

How are you both doing?

Mmm...

never better.

Jane, we have sowed
all of our lives,

and we're now
reaping the harvest.

Reap, reap, reap.

I seem to feel
a monsoon dripping in.

It was nice
to see you again, Dad.

Bye, Mom.

Goodbye, dear.

You tell Dick
that he's a lucky man.

Not everybody gets
a real chance to be tested.

You tell him
that I'm jealous.

I'm sure he'll be really
thrilled, Dad.

Don't forget to tell him
that I'm jealous too.

So long.

Bye-bye.

Mm-mm.

Mmm.

Oh.

Oh-oh.

Ha ha ha ha.

Mm-mm.

Ah.

Mister, you've got problems.

Why do you think
we're here?

I know why you're here.

You got guts.
I'll give you that.

Your ad says that

if you've been turned
down elsewhere...

It didn't say if you were
turned down everywhere.

This is the first place
we've been.

Lucky us.

Hey, listen, you know,

I mean, there's lots of places
we can go for abuse.

Come on, Dick.

Did I say I wasn't going to
give you money?

Did I say that?
Sit down.

Let's look at the pluses
and minuses.

There are a couple.

We'll start with the minuses.

You two are in hock
up to your eyes,

you have nothing serious
for collateral,

you're behind
on both your mortgages,

so we're going to be
third in line

behind the bank.

And your car is paid for,

but that car and a dime
would get you a cup of coffee.

That's a perfectly good
late-model car

worth at least
a thousand dollars.

You also have some jewelry,
might be worth a few bucks.

That car's worth
at least nine hundred.

I haven't come to the pluses.

Will you wait for me
to come to the pluses?

Okay.

On the plus side,

you, Mrs. Harper,
are actually working.

Yes. Getting paid bupkis,
but you're working,

it's regular,

and you...

you could get another job.

Who knows?

They might find
a cure for cancer, right?

Will you get to
the bottom line?

The bottom line
is that I love people,

so I'm going to
let you have...

$1,000 for one year
at 18 and a half compounded.

A thousand dollars?

18 and a half?
That's against the law.

Take it or leave it.

We'll take it!
We'll leave it!

We'll leave it.
We'll take it!

Seven...eight...nine...1,000.

Thank you.

All right,
this is a holdup.

If nobody moves,
nobody gets hurt.

Everybody lie down.
Hands over your heads.

You said
nobody should move.

Shut up.

I wouldn't do anything
to offend you.

I told you to lie down
and shut up.

Come on, man.

I just borrowed this.

Well, now you're
loaning it.

Borrow it from him.

This is legally yours.

I'm paying it back.

What's the interest
on two minutes?

You already
signed the papers.

Shut up.

Can't we just
clear this up?

Who are you
stealing this from?

Shut up.

What was that?

Uh, it...it was me.
My gun went off.

Christ, that'll bring
all the heat in the world.

Did you get the money?

Yeah.

Get the broad.

Let...let...
let's get out of here.

Come on, lady,
up on your feet.

You're coming with us.
Hey, hold it.

Where the hell are they?

They went out the back,

and they've got a woman
with them.

Come on! Get up!

Hold it. Police.

Get up!

Wait, man.

Are you sure
you're all right?

You don't want to go
to the hospital?

I'm all right.
Jane, are you?

I'd just like
to go home.

Well, you're free to go.

You sure were cool
under fire, ma'am.

Oh, I'll faint at home,
thanks.

Oh, sorry.

Uh, Mr. Harper...

uh, how much did you
tell them that you lost?

A thousand dollars.
What do you mean?

You couldn't tell them
2,000?

The insurance company
would have paid,

and I would have split
the extra grand with you.

Schmuck.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Billy, are you going
to play outside for a while?

Yeah.

Hi, Bill.

Hi.

Are you feeling
all right?

Come in
and close the door.

Lock it.

They dropped it
and I fell on it,

and while the police
were chasing them,

I put it in my bag.

Oh, my God!

I don't know
what happened to me.

I just did it.

There's $2,000 here.

I can't believe I did it.

Ha ha ha.
Neither can I.

Dick, it's not funny.
I've committed a crime.

And done
a hell of a job at it.

Oh...

I don't know why
I didn't give it back.

Do you know it
never even occurred to me

to give it back?

You are sensational.

Oh, stop it, Dick.

Would you turn on
the faucet?

I'm going to
give it back.

To who, the robbers?

The money belongs
to the loan...

They have insurance,
don't they?

Exactly.

Yeah, but suppose
they catch those guys.

I mean, they saw me take it.

They're never
going to catch them,

and besides,
even if they finger you,

who's going to believe them?

That's right. The cops are
never going to believe them.

They're going to just think
that they spent it all.

I can't believe we're
talking like this.

Dick...

we've always done things
the straight way.

Yeah, well,

I'm tired of belonging
to a minority group.

Okay.

Okay, I'm going
to keep it.

Good.

I'm going to keep it.

That's still good.

Hey, do you think
it would be awful

if we had a
little celebration?

You mean eat something
besides Hamburger Helper?

Mm-hm. A little red wine.

How about
a little champagne?

Love you.

I love you.

Oh, my God, the lights.

We got our lights back.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

I propose a toast.

Down with candles.

Down with
imitation mayonnaise.

Down with
Hamburger Helper.

Up the Harpers. Mmm.

Here's looking
at you, Spot.

Wow.

Will you get that, honey?

Sure.

Yes?

Is this the residence
of Mr. Richard Harper?

Yes, I'm Mrs. Harper.

You've applied for
the food stamp program?

That's right.

My name is Johnson.

I'm the Income
Maintenance Technician.

The what?

I've come for
the inspection.

Uh...tonight?

Do you want to see
my credentials, lady?

No. No.

Please come in.

* Bump dah dah dee
Dum dah dah *

Tah-dah!

Darling,
this is Mr. Johnson...

the Income Maintenance
Mechanic.

Technician.

The food stamps
fellow.

Oh. Ooh. Ah.

Have you eaten,
Mr. Johnson?

Yes, I had a Big Mac
and a small fries.

You don't understand...

Don't I?

Would you like
some champagne?

And I also had a Coke.

The truth is that

we just ripped off
a loan company,

and this is the last
of our proceeds.

I see, yes.

You want to see if we have
any cooking facilities,

right?

Yes, yes, that's
the first thing.

This way.

You don't have any assets
other than what's here?

That's it.

You sure messed up
real good.

We sure did.

Never mind the editorials.
Are we eligible or not?

According to the rules,
you're eligible.

Thank you.

Now, don't thank me.
It's people like you

who give this program
a bad name,

screw it up for others
who really need it.

I don't think that's fair.

Oh, Jane, the old rich

are always sticking it
to the new rich.

I guess the old poor have to
stick it to the nouveau poor.

We, in this case,
are the nouveau poor.

Besides,
we really need it.

No one living in this house
or in this neighborhood

really needs it.

Oh, really?

You think we should
sell this house

and move to a slum
where we belong?

We should
sell the house

before the bank
sells it for us,

which is going to be
next week.

You can
just forget it,

because we're
keeping this house.

And how are we going
to make the payments?

We'll make the payments.

With what are we going
to make the payments?

You have accepted
our current problems

as permanent.
They are not.

This is only
a temporary condition.

You still haven't told me

how we're going to make
the payments.

The middle class

is the backbone
of this country.

We've got to survive.

If we go under,

the whole country
can go under,

and in these, our
bicentennial years,

my contribution
is not going to be

the destruction
of the American middle class.

I don't know
what you're...

Billy, would you entertain
our guest, please?

Are you telling me

that we have nothing
to worry about?

You have nothing
to worry about.

I'll speak to the bank
manager tomorrow.

I spoke to them today,
and he said, "Madam,

"you are no longer
banking with us,

we're banking with you."

Oh-ho. Very funny.

Will you leave it to me?
We'll make the payment.

With what?

We'll make the payment.

This is a stickup.
Stick 'em up.

Stick 'em up.

Stick 'em up.
Stick 'em up.

This is a stickup.

Stick 'em up.

Ow!

Are you kidding?

God, are you crazy?

Don't come in this room
when I have a gun in my hand.

You'll get
your goddamn head blown off.

Will you take that ridiculous
thing off your face?

I can't hear
a word you're saying.

Never sneak up on
a man holding a gun.

You can get killed.

What are you doing
with a gun?

Never mind.

I know what you're going
to do with the gun.

Yeah, well, you're
right about that,

and now, as long
as you're here,

you can give me
the keys to the car.

Don't you think this
has gone far enough?

You're not going
to stop me.

I'm going to get
that money.

Do you think getting
arrested

is going to help us
get the money?

You don't think
I can do it, do you?

I'm a washout.
I'm a loser.

Not even capable of holding up
a goddamn grocery store.

Any idiot can hold up
a grocery store.

Thank you.

You're really determined
to do this, aren't you?

That's right.

Is that what you're
going to wear?

Yeah.
What do you think?

I think you look like
the Easter Bunny Bandit.

I had to ask.

I mean, you might as well
wear a sign

that says "arrest me."

Okay, smart-ass,
what do you think I should wear?

Well, why don't you
wear something

a little more inconspicuous,

like, say, uh...
the Batman costume.

How's this?

It's fine.

Okay, baby, I'm off.

Uh, Dick?
Yeah?

Don't you think we've
forgotten something?

Oh, the iron, right.

Dick, don't you think

that gun is going
to attract

a little attention

sticking out of your
belt like that?

I was going
to wear a jacket.

Don't worry.

I have to worry.
I was a psych major.

You know what Freud said.

Criminals, they leave clues.

They have a compulsion
to confess.

I have a compulsion
to pay the mortgage.

Did Freud
ever write about that?

No, so there,
that takes care of Freud.

Hello, Mr. Harper.

Hello, Carol.

Jane, what is Carol
doing here?

Carol's here
because I'm going with you

to your business meeting
tonight.

You are not.
You're staying here.

I'm going alone.

Oh, on the contrary,
darling...

I wouldn't want to miss
one of your business meetings

for anything in the world.

You never know
what might happen.

Sweetie, don't forget
to go to bed at 9:30, okay?

Don't worry, Mrs. Harper.

On your feet, Carol,
I'm taking you home.

Sit down, Carol.
On your feet, Carol.

Sit down.
Carol...

Stay.
Okay, stay.

Both of you.
All of you.

Good night.
Have a good time.

Billy!

Billy, you know
what the vet said

about Spot sitting so close
to the television set.

All right, Jane,
you can come...

as long as you promise to do
exactly what I tell you.

I promise.

You drive.

What happened?

I think
I ruptured myself.

You realize if
that thing goes off,

you're going to be
going on this robbery

half-cocked, don't you?

Ho, ho, ho, ho,
very funny.

Just drive, damnit!

How did you happen
to pick Monrovia?

I wanted an area far
enough away from us.

Any objections?

Oh, no.

I can't believe it.

I am curious about
one thing though.

I knew it.

How were you planning to get
to the scene of the crime

if I hadn't come home?

Cab?

I was going
to steal a car.

Oh, Dick, that I would
like to see.

Yeah, well,
we'll be using

what is known
as the two-car method.

Really?

You park your regular car,

steal a car
for the actual robbery,

returning later to pick
up your regular car.

Dick...Richard...
you can't steal a car.

Put a man on the moon,
I think I can steal a car.

Will you stop
that whistling?

There's something wrong
with this car.

It just won't start.

Why don't you kick it?

That's right, Jane...
just keep riding me.

That's a big help.

If I could just find
an old Hudson,

there wouldn't be
any problem.

Why don't you try
this car?

What?

Why don't you give
this one a shot?

I don't know anything
about foreign cars.

Oh, I think you can
handle this one, Dick.

The keys are in it.

You...

"D" is for "drive," dear.

What do you think?

It's too big,
it's too bright,

it's crowded.

It's ridiculous.

What are
all these people doing,

out shopping
in the middle of the night?

They ought
to be home in bed.

Okay, this is it, as they say.

No, Dick. Let's go home
before it's too late.

Goddamn it, Jane...

We're not cut out
for this.

I told you I was going
to, and I mean it.

Oh, sweetie,
we'll get the money.

It's not the money.

It's the principle
of the thing.

Principle?

What principle
in robbing a drugstore?

It's the money.
That's the principle.

That's the principle
of the thing.

Uh-uh-uh...

You wouldn't understand.
Now don't interfere.

You stay right here.

I'm going in alone,

and I don't want
any crap about it.

Kind of a light door.

Yes?

Yes, uh...

Uh...

May I help you, sir?

May you help me?

Uh, yeah.

Uh...

Don't you worry, son.

I think I've got
what you're looking for.

Yeah.

Now, here they are,
right here.

Some of these
are lubricated.

Now, this isn't lubricated,
but it's a good one.

And some of these
are contoured for better fit.

We've got them
in different colors.

We've got cherry red,
and we've got midnight blue...

And we've got the rainbow.

I'll take them all.

All?

Yeah. Yeah.

And wrap them up.

Uh...

that'll be...

uh, $8.50.

I wish I was
as young as you are.

You don't understand.

What do you mean
I don't understand?

I'm not that old.

There you are.

Now can we go home?

I came out here to do something
and I'm going to do it.

Well, this evening

could turn out to be
quite expensive,

what with gas and...

sundry items.

Did you ever hear
of a delicatessen

that wouldn't take
cash after 10:00?

Not a nickel
in the register.

You got somebody
to open the register?

That's right, Jane.

Was she very old
or just crippled and blind?

For your information,

she was quite able...

Ah.

Nobody move.
This is a stickup.

Just hold it right there.
Nobody move.

When did they start

bussing white robbers into
the black neighborhoods?

What happened?

No bullets.
Thanks a lot.

You had to talk me into
carrying an empty gun,

my own wife.

I could have gotten
killed in there.

Oh, please, tell me
what happened.

Nothing happened.

Except I almost got
killed thanks to you.

I knew I shouldn't
have brought you.

You would have been busted
in the parking lot

if you hadn't
brought me along.

How can anybody do anything

with this kind
of defeatist talk?

Okay.

Maybe there's an orphanage
around here.

They usually deal in cash...

Just shut up, Jane.

What do you think
you're doing?

Sitting in a stolen car
makes me nervous.

I'm going with you
where it's safe.

Get back in the car.
No.

I said, get back
in the car.

Right, you said
get back in the car,

and then I said "no."

I'm going in there,

and you'd better
stay right here.

Do you have to louse
everything up?

You messed up
this whole evening.

First, it was
the pantyhose,

then you insisted...

You still
want pantyhose?

You want pantyhose?

Will you put your
pants on,

for God's sake?

This is a respectable
X-rated motel.

I'm warning you.

That bitch,
I could kill her.

Whatever turns
you on, man,

but you pay for
anything you break.

I don't want any shit,

or I'll blow
your head off.

Take whatever you want.

Turn around and put your
hands against the wall.

Just cool it with that gun,
okay?

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, my God!

I forgot
to go to the bank today.

Harley's going to kill me.
He's going to skin my ass.

You got something
to put this in?

There's a box
on the top shelf.

Who's Harley?

The owner.
A mean mother.

Is he really going
to hurt you?

Oh, Dick,
he's really going to hurt him.

Maybe we shouldn't take it.

What, are you crazy?

You stay right there...

don't move,
don't take a leak, nothing.

I'm sorry.

Come on, will you?

Goodbye.

They're going to call us
the "Bickering Bandits."

That'll be our M.O.

Right.
Sure.

Right. What?

M.O.
That's Modus Operandi.

That's the method
of operation, you know?

Now, wait a minute, Dick.

We're not having
any modus operandi.

No modus operandi?

Tonight was it, right?

Halloween comes
but once a year.

Oh, sure.

Take that one.

What...what is it?

No. That was too casual.

What was too casual?

You've got
to promise me.

Mm.

You promise me?

Mm, what?
Promise you?

Boy, do I promise you.

You promise?

Completely.
Okay.

Hi.
Hi.

Can I help you, sir?

There's something the
matter with this record.

Oh, what's that?

There's a gun in it.
This is a holdup.

Now, do exactly
as I tell you,

and no one
will get hurt.

Sounds fair to me.

Just keep looking at me
and smiling and nodding.

Do you have any
Bessie Smith records?

Uh...uh...
Bessie Smith?

Yeah, she's
an old blues singer.

Oh, uh...yes, sir, yes, sir.
I believe we do, sir.

Do you like
that old jazz?

Well I...I...I...

I like the more modern...

uh...kind of stuff.

You know,
progressive...

uh...
Mm...mm...iles, and...

you know, a few
people like this...

Sedaka, he's good.

The lady will be leaving
in just a moment,

and you'll say to her

"Thank you very much,
Mrs. Jones."

Thank you very much,
Mrs. Jones. Okay.

A nice smile.

Go. Go.

Thank you very much,
Mrs. Jones.

Think nothing of it.

That was very nice.

I liked the smile.

Uh, I'll be leaving now.

And you say, "I'll try and get
the Bessie Smith record for you

next week, Mr. Jones."

Now!

Well, I'll I'll try and get
the Bessie Jones record

for you next week,
Mr. Smith.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah. $4.98...
uh, tax and license.

How was the food?

That bad, huh?

Oh, baby!

Oh, baby.

Oh. God.

Dick, I'm ruined
for life.

I want to know the name

of the pervert
who shot off my phone.

In spite of
what you think,

we do not get our kicks
cutting off telephones.

I tell you,
I never got a bill.

Excuse me,
I'm sorry.

Who do you think you are?

You'll have to wait in line
like everyone else.

I'm sorry, excuse me,

but I'm afraid this is
what they call a stickup.

Hey,
they're holding up

the telephone company!

Shoot out the computers
while you're at it.

God bless you.
Give them a hand.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

He's had
several offers,

but because of
his investments,

he doesn't have to
rush into anything.

He's looking for

a very dynamic situation in
a company like yours, Jason.

Are you familiar with
the film business?

Hey, how about
a drink, huh?

Come on.

Gracias...

amigo.

Oh, you're welcome.

Adios!

You've got to
go down there.

You really owe it
to yourself.

May I borrow my husband
for a moment?

Be my guest, Jane.

Dick...

Really, Jane,
I was making some progress.

That's
the condominium king.

You're an aerospace executive,
not a real estate salesman.

Right now I'm feeling
pretty flexible.

Oh, Raoul...

Oh, no, no,
that's okay.

Enjoy yourself.
Let me do it.

Mum's the word, eh, Raoul?

This is something else.

Did you find
buried treasure?

Living off my investments,
Nesbit.

Ah, Dick.
Put her there, pal.

Glad you could make it.

Hello, Mildred.

Ole, Ricardo.

Oh, we wouldn't have
missed this for the world.

I love your
small pool, Jane.

It's so cozy.

Oh, thank you, Mildred.

I see you landed
on your feet.

Actually, Charlie,
I landed on my ass,

and then when I fell
off of my ass,

I had no place to go
but my feet.

What line
are you in?

Robber.

As in tires and erasers.

Oh, that's
a good field.

Do you make it
or sell it?

Steal it.

Like stealing candy
from a baby.

He is so modest.

Steel...hey,
there's a solid industry.

I thought
he said rubber?

Actually, Jane's
working now too.

What are
you doing?

Adios!

Investments.
Investments.

She's in charge
of salting it away.

Got the guts of a bandit.

Maybe
you could help me.

I have to go to Washington
next week,

but I'll give you, uh...

a little call when I get back.

That could be
15 years to life.

I'm just going to talk
to a Congressional committee.

They think Charlie's

been paying off
some people besides them.

Larry Maguire!

That's not Larry.

Oh!
Taquito?

Thank you.

Bueno.

Oh, is it burning
you, Mildred?

Oh, that's too bad.

Would you like
some wine?

I'll get some water.

Tequila, please.

And now, once again,

bringing you
salvation and success,

righteousness and riches,

the Reverend Dr. Thomas Will.

You know, we've all
heard the expression,

"The meek
shall inherit the earth."

Well, that's exactly
what they're going to get.

Dirt.

We all have to learn
how to be positive.

You see, I...I don't want
you to say "amen."

I want you to say "I am."

I am!

You have to remember
that God is in you

and in you and in you
and in you and in me.

Now, if you open up your heart
and you let God inside,

he will make you rich.

I am!

Let me remind you
that the cross is a plus sign.

Now, I want you all
to repeat after me.

Money loves me.

Money loves to be
in my pocket.

I see a whole mountain
of money coming towards me.

I see a mountain
of money

coming towards me.

Now, I want you all

to donate generously
to the ministry today,

and remember
that every dollar you give,

God will pay you back tenfold

in some wondrous and
mysterious and exciting way...

a car, a boat,
a plane, a home.

Just one other
couple, Dr. Will.

Yea, I say unto you,
bring them in.

They're here to win.

Have a seat, young lady.

Inspirational sermon, doctor.

Thank you, thank you.

Yes, particularly
the part

about not feeling guilty
about prospering.

Ah-ha.

Well, you see, that is
called "say I am."

If you want more money,

you must get an expanded idea
of yourself.

You must think of yourself
as one who has more money.

We're trying, doctor.

Well, go ahead,
touch it, son.

Don't be afraid. Go on.

Go ahead, dear,
touch it.

Go on.

That's it,
touch it some more.

You see, you must
take the limit

off your
financial thinking,

and you will get more money.

Don't worry about how.

Inspirational.

Say "I am."

Stick 'em up.

Did I hear you right, sinner?

You holding me up?

I am.

Hands on your head,
both of you.

Move!

Will you get out of the way?

God wants you
out of the way.

Guards!

Stop them, for they
have sinned.

Would you mind getting
the hell off the car?

Testing. Testing.

Oh, Jesus!

Are you all right?

Yeah, I think so.

Pull over, you sinners.

They are thieves. Stop them.

They have stolen all my...
the Lord's money.

Oh, no!

Oh, God!

If you'll pull over
at the next traffic light,

God will forgive you.

He is no stool pigeon.

Oh, my God!

God does not hold a grudge.
Remember, thou shalt not steal.

They're coming closer to us,
Dick.

That is the fourth...

it's...that's one
of them Commandments.

Now, give me back
my goddamn money, will you?

Come on, step on it.

Can't you get some more juice
out of this goddamn thing?

Watch out! Jesus Christ!

You almost broke my ass,
you fool.

Oh, a cop!

That is my money!

How much did we get?

Not very much.
It's mostly ones.

Mostly ones?

Hey, where's
the other money?

What other money?

All the other money,
that's what other money.

In the shrubbery.

In the shrubbery?

In the pool.

In the swimming pool?

It's in the utilities,
it's in the car,

in the furniture,
it's in the mortgage,

it's in the insurance.

It's at
the Diner's Club...

Well, it's not worth it.

I'm not cut out
for blue-collar crime.

I have a white-collar mentality.
I panic in the face of death.

Maybe we should retire.

Are all our debts paid?

Yes.

Well, at least
we won't starve.

We've just been accepted
by the food stamp program.

Hurray.

Charlie?

Where?

Mr. Blanchard,

I would like you to
tell this committee

if you have ever

in your position
as President of Taft,

bribed anyone,
either here or abroad,

for the purpose

of consummating
a business deal.

Senator, no one
at Taft Aerospace,

to the best of my knowledge,
ever bribed anybody.

Ooh.

Maybe that's why
business is so bad.

Look at him.
Listen to him shovel it.

There's never been
a deal made at Taft

what with somebody didn't
get paid off somewhere.

We have already
elicited testimony

from other companies

involved in the same business
as yours,

and they claim that pay-offs
are an integral part

of their carrying on
their business.

Do you mean to tell me
that you are the exception?

You know, guys walk
into his office

and walk out again

with $200,000 cash
in a briefcase.

$200,000?

Watch him.
Watch him bob and weave.

Senator,

now, we at Taft Aerospace
have always prided ourselves

in truth, on what we produce.

Charlie does his laundry.

Any idea
where he keeps it?

Yeah, in the safe
in his office.

Fortunately, there are
guards everywhere,

and I don't even
have a key

to the executive washroom
anymore.

Unfortunately,
we've been invited

to a party at Taft
next week.

Fortunately,
we don't know

the first thing
about safe cracking.

Unfortunately,
we are fast learners.

Short retirement.

Very.

I felt it.

Oh, positive?

Of course
I'm positive.

Honey, it's got
to be perfect.

I've been practicing
for days.

You've almost got it.
Come on.

You ready?

Deft. Deft. And deft.

Okay, you should tell me

when you want me
to do it.

Whenever
you're ready.

Well, it's just like
old times.

Mmmm.

I hope you brought
the old equalizer.

Will you cut it out?

Hi, Pete, how are you?

Who is it?

Pete Winston. Wife Betty.
Superbowl. Back operation.

Really good to see you.
How are you?

Great. Just great.

You know my wife, Jane,
don't you?

I don't know if she'll
remember me at all.

Winston, how can you
say that?

We met you and Betty

at the Superbowl
last winter.

How's your back?

How nice of you
to remember.

Is Betty here?

Yes, she's in the back.

Oh, I'll be glad to
see her again.

There you are.

Charlie.

What I want to know is

do I get to kiss your wife,
or do I have to make a scene?

Do we know this man?

Some guy who still
works at the plant.

You betcha. Ohh...

Hi, Charlie.

You know, I don't know

what a good-looking guy
like Dick

sees in you.

I do yard work.

You can work
in my yard anytime.

Oh, oh, Charlie.

You want to dance,
Charlie?

I'd love to.

Very nice.

What?
I said, very nice.

Perfect.

Charlie, no!

No? I won't take no
for an answer.

I'll be waiting.

Show-off.

Come on.

Come on.

Dick, Charlie's going
to come to his office

at 11:00.

We've got to hurry.
All right.

Will you
get out of the way?

Hey, you, don't move.

Ta-ta-ta.

Take that, you honky putz.

Oh, my God!
What?

Come on, will you?

Come on.

These are all
make-believe.

Dick?
What?

Does he have a closet,

because I read
in the book

that the most popular place
for safes

are in the closet.

He does indeed
have a closet.

I love you, Jane.

Huh?

Tah-dah!
Thanks.

Mosler model
number 1874.

Mosler...okay.

There.

Right there is where
you have to drill.

Dick, it's okay.

You can hardly hear
the drilling out here.

Dick, somebody's coming.

In the closet.

Is it the guard?

I don't know.
I couldn't see.

It can't be Charlie.
It's only 10:15.

Let me look.

Shh.

I can't see anything.

Maybe he won't
look in here.

Well, suppose he does?

Screw him.

I most certainly
will not.

That wasn't Charlie.

Really?

Come on in.

Hey, everybody,
come on in.

Hey, my man,
what's happening?

Jane!

They're never going to
hear the drill over this.

I'm going back to work.

If somebody looks like
he's coming in,

just let me know.

Ah, Jane.
It's your turn.

It's all the money
in the world.

Oh, it gives me
goose flesh.

Oh, my God!

Floor show.
Floor show.

Aw, come on.

Knock it off, man.
We're talking business.

I need more.

Just a second.

It feels so good.

Oh, that's what I've
been looking for.

Thank you very much.

Hey, guys, listen,
have a good time tonight.

Enjoy yourselves, okay?
This is a party.

Okay. To the elevator.
Around through the boardroom

and to the left, honey.

Dick followed me
up here.

Hey, Charlie.

Dick, boy. Hi.

Going down?

Uh, down, yes.

Lobby, please.

Funny, we're going
to the lobby too.

Oh.

Well, I...

I guess we can all
ride together.

Dick, I don't feel very well.
I think we should go home.

Oh, wait a minute.

Not until you have
one drink

with little old Charlie.

No, Charlie. I really think
I'm going to faint.

Oh, here, let me
take your purse.

One little nightcap.

Nobility.

Pride.

A sense of feeling

that your life
amounts to something.

That's what we lost when
we lost the space program.

Sir?

Nobil... Nobil...
What?

May I have a word with you
in private, please?

Right now?
Yes, sir.

Hey, listen, listen,
don't go away.

I'll be right back.

Let's go.

Where?
Where are we going?

We were just going to
walk right out of here?

We were. We were.

There's nothing
to worry about.

Charlie wouldn't dare
call the cops.

This money doesn't exist.
Don't you understand?

What about all these
security guards?

Do they exist
or don't they?

Wait a minute.

Dick, we've got
to call the cops.

Are you crazy?

No, no, I'm not kidding,
I'm not kidding.

Charlie is never going
to admit

that there's an
actual slush fund.

If he sees cops
all around here,

he's going to make sure

that we got out of here
safely...

with the money.

You're very smart, Jane.

Have you got a dime?

A dime?
Yeah.

No. You?

Find someone with change
of a thousand dollars,

for Christ's sake.

Jane, uh,
feeling better?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

Dick, there's something

I've been meaning to
ask you all night.

Shoot.

What's in the bag?

Your, uh,
your makeup?

Charlie, Charlie.

Charlie, can I
level with you?

Sure.

I mean really
level with you.

You can tell me
anything.

We just cleaned out
your safe.

Every last buck.

Oh, did you, now?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said it
straight out like that,

but I'm just sick
of all the bullshit,

you know what I mean?

How do you two propose
to get out of here?

Oh, with your help,
Charlie.

My help?

Do you see that
big dude over there?

He can shoot the eye out of
a hummingbird at 50 paces.

Whooph!

Charlie, we just
called the cops.

Huh?

Ahem.

We're going to give
ourselves up.

This is no joke, friends.

We're going to make
a clean breast of it.

Don't be stupid.

You keep your mouth shut,

and I'll see
that you get out of here.

With the money?

You son of a bitch.

Officers. Ha.

I'm Charles Blanchard.

I'm the President
of Taft Aerospace.

Maybe I can be of help.

My dear, you have just seen
a demonstration

of what we in
the corporate world

refer to as "hardballing it
with the big guys."

I enjoyed it
thoroughly.

Would you be embarrassed

if I kissed you
in a public place?

I'd be embarrassed

if you kissed me
in a private place

with all these
people around.

I'm afraid, officer,

that you've been the victim
of a drunken prankster,

but if you'd excuse me
for just a minute,

this young lady
isn't feeling very well.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, if I could just

get these two folks
out of here,

I'd feel a lot better.

Then we can talk about
that ridiculous story

about my safe.

Jane?

Come...
come along, Jane.

Come along.

Jane?

* Wise men say
all things go too fast *

* And babies don't last

* They grow up as soon
as they get the chance *

* Let's face it

* A whole new way
of behavin' *

* With brand-new rules
to break *

* Wah-hoo!

* How time flies

* We were once
ahead of the game *

* Can you remember
when gettin' up was easy? *

* No sweat

* And we could exist
on wax and gum completely *

* The things we used to think
were crazy *

* Now they seem
so very sane *

* Wah-hoo!

* How time flies

* We were once
ahead of the game *

* Wah-hoo!

* How time flies

* We were once
ahead of the game *

* Love hit us
right between the eyes *

* It wasn't fair

* We never had a chance

* Sometimes
you have to sit right back *

* And laugh

* It goes so fast

* As sure as there's
a Sunday morning, baby *

* We're going to get
our piece of the cake *

* Wah-hoo!

* How time flies

* We were once
ahead of the game *

* Wah-hoo!