All language subtitles for Sliders.S04E13.Lipschitz.Live.1080p.Peacock.WEB-DL.AAC.2.0.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

(SCREAMING)

(WHOOSHING)

You guys see that thing?

Colin? Maggie? Remmy?

What's going on?

(SCREAMING)

It's got you!

You know, brother,
it occurred to me

that if we threw
a large mattress into
the wormhole ahead of us,

it might not hurt so much
when we land.

(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)

Of course, we might
miss the mattress.

MAN: That's right,
it'sLipschitz Live!
Hello?

Quinn?
This portion ofLipschitz Live
is brought to you by

Maggie?
Body Slam Malt Liquor.

Rembrandt?
For that special
occasion,

or for no reason at all.

Body Slam is gonna
take you down.

That's Body Slam,
my friends.

Hi.
It's not just
for breakfast anymore.

(GRUMBLING)
Yeah, excuse me,
I was just wondering...

(MUMBLING)

(GROANING)

(MAGGIE SCREAMING)
REMBRANDT: Q-Ball!

(SCREAMING)

QUINN:
What if you found a portal
to a parallel universe?

What if you could slide into
a thousand different worlds

where it's the same year
and you're the same person,

but everything else
is different?

And what if you can't
find your way home?

ETHEREAL VOICE:Sliders.

(REMBRANDT SCREAMING)

(MAGGIE SCREAMING)

Come on.

(GROANING)

MAGGIE: I got it.

REMBRANDT: Q-Ball,
you and I are gonna have
one serious talk!

Save it.
They're not here.
Come on.

What do you mean,
they're not there?

We must've
got separated.

(GROANS)

I got you, Remmy.

(CREAKING)

MAGGIE: Yikes.

Sweet Mary and Joseph.
We must be a mile high.

Somehow, this has
to be Quinn's fault.

LIPSCHITZ: Okay,
Lipschitz Live.
We're back on the air.

There's been an increase in
the number of metal implants
found in people heads.

Proof of alien abduction,
or dental malpractice?

You be the judge.

Folks just like you and me,
who claim to have
been abducted.

Remote viewers,
out-of-body travelers,

and a man who claims that
he is the reincarnation
of Nostradamus,

but swears that
he doesn't remember
predicting anything.

And all week, right here
onLipschitz Live, we're
gonna be examining...

Two hours, fifty minutes.
People, where are you?

Aliens, from
somewhere out there.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Controls.

Yeah.

Push one.

Why I gotta push it?

'Cause you're the man.
Act like one!

Jiminy cricket.

Okay, look, we've got red
and black here, right?

Red means stop.
We're stopped.

Hey, hey, hey.
What?

Colin! Colin!

Colin!

Maggie, Maggie.

What?

I'm looking at freaking
seagulls up here.
He can't hear you.

Well, push something so we
can go up or down! We've
gotta get to get to him.

All right, whatever.

(LEVERS SCREECHING)

Yes, folks, thanks to you,
Lipschitz Live is now
the most watched show

in the history of television.

Beamed to our armed forces
abroad, to the research teams
at the South Pole,

and to those hard-working guys
aboard the crippled space
station MIR,

Lipschitz Live
sets the pace for
our world today.

My next guest has a pug who
predicted the big LA quake

and the results
of last year's Rose Bowl.

Hi, how are you?
Welcome.
WOMAN ON TV: Thank you.

The dog's name is...

(SHUSHING)
Excuse me...

Can't you see
this is important?

The girl's got
a psychic dog.

I'd like a room.

We're booked up.

Booked up? This place
is never booked up.

Big corporate wedding.

(BELL RINGING)

LIPSCHITZ:
Well, what about the quake?
How did she predict the quake?

Fine. Then I'd like
to leave a message
for my friends.

WOMAN ON TV:
She leaped up on
the coffee table again...

Do you have a room?

Not according to you.

Then you can't
leave a message.

Why not?

We're a full-service hotel,
but only for guests.

No guest, no service.

Look, I have an agreement
with my friends that
if we ever get separated,

we meet here.
It's kind of
important.

(CHUCKLES)

Fine. I'll
be at the bar,
if you need me.

MAGGIE:
You think the others
made it through?

REMBRANDT: Who can tell?

I mean, this whole trip is
like no slide we ever had.

You ever get
separated before?

Yeah, but not like this.

The only other time
we ever had a problem

was when the wormhole
was struck by lightning.

Oh, man.

You think Colin
was making his way
toward the Chandler?

It looked like it.
I just hope we didn't
miss the slide window.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

LIPSCHITZ ON TV:
Okay,Lipschitz Live
is back on the air.

This just in.
In Los Angeles,
the bowling ball...

Hi. I'll take a beer.
The cheap kind.

This time, the scene was
the Richard Nixon Freeway
in Yorba Linda.

An hour and 45.

Come on, guys,
where are you?

...off the back end
of flatbed truck...

Thanks.

People seem
to really like that guy.

Are you kidding me?
Man, Barry Lipschitz rules.

His show is
the only show.

Literally.

LIPSCHITZ: ...but we've been
in touch with his agent.
And if and when...

Now, don't tell me
you don't watch it.

...we're gonna have it
right here on...

Well, I travel
around a lot.

I mostly read.

Books?

Yeah.

See, that's the trouble
with you kids today,
you know that?

You read too damn much,
you don't watch
enough television.

And how do you expect to
keep informed on what's
going on in the world?

Books.
Oh, that's two bucks
for the beer

and 15 for
the drinker's insurance.

We've got Cletis Shepherd.

Could I just charge that
to Millenia Media?

...for being buried alive
in a six-by-four wooden box...

Are you there,
Mr. Shepherd?

SHEPARD ON TV:
The voices! The voices!

And I'd love
to see a menu.

LIPSCHITZ: No, no, no,
Mr. Shepherd, it's me.
It's Barry Lipschitz.

Get out of my head!

(CHATTERING ON TV)

(BURPING)

That was delicious.
Thank you.

Good. Wow, that's
a pretty fancy-shmancy
clicker you got there.

Excuse me?
Get a load
of this baby.

Control capabilities include
TV, VCR, DVD and LD.

Switchable between IR and EM
bands at wide or narrow beam
settings at unlimited range.

Ho-ho!

Well, your clicker's
definitely bigger
than my clicker.

And I say that without
a trace of male envy.

Huh?

(MAN LAUGHING)

LIPSCHITZ:
Ready for this
Lipschitz news flash.

A 10-year-old Webelos Scout
in Ashland, Kentucky was
revealed today to be a clone.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(SHUSHING)
Excuse me.

Hey.

Can't you see
I'm in the middle
of this show?

Well, excuse me.
I thought you worked here.

I do.

Great.
So, we would like
a room, please.

Oh, who wouldn't?

Well, actually,
we would like
a suite.

Sold out.

Sold out?

You're never sold out.

People keep saying that,
but we are.

No rooms, no suite.

And we're running
out of ice.

Okay, look, actually,
we're looking for
some friends of ours.

Oh, who isn't?

Okay, they may already
have checked in.

Could you please
check the register?

We're looking for
a Quinn Mallory.

LIPSCHITZ:
Okay,Lipschitz Live
is back on the air.

No, no, no.
There's a Colin Mallory.

Yeah. Room 412.

You can use
the phone over there.

Great.
All right.

Thanks for,
you know, whatever.
Okay. All right. All right.

Oh, man.

This guy is...
He's crazy, man!

All in the way
you hold your mouth.

A few more slides,
and we'll all be
master burglars.

Did Colin have time
to eat Chinese?

What a trip. I just got here,
and I'm ready for the slide.

And what is with
this television stuff?

Nobody seems to be doing
anything but watching this
Lipschitz guy.

When you saw Colin,
did he have a suitcase?

Not that I remember.

Must've just bought it.

Yeah, but how
did he have time to get
this stuff monogrammed?

I don't know.

This is expensive, too.

Yeah.
Did he have
this much cash?

No. He's still
keeping up his taste
for high-volume outfits.

LIPSCHITZ: Uh-oh, hold it.
Here's a news flash.

They've found another Bat Boy
on Long Island.
But right now...

Hi, I'm...
Look, we've
got no rooms,

we've got no suites,
we've got no ice,

and I haven't seen
any of your friends.

And, no, you can't
leave a message for them.

Thank you.
All right.

LIPSCHITZ:
We're back with Duane.

Do you get any grief
from the others?

Let me ask you something.

Go ahead. Call me Hal.
Hal? I'm Quinn.

Nice to meet you.

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

Say you got
separated from someone

and you needed to
find them in a hurry.

You expecting somebody?

Yeah, some friends of mine
and I got split up

and we've got a plane
to catch very shortly.

In 92 minutes to be exact.

Well, you guys are
kind of cutting it a little
bit short, don't you think?

Yes. I was wondering,
is there anywhere in town

where people congregate?

Center of town?

Well, I kind of like
to hang out at this
karaoke bar, you know.

I go there a couple
of times a week.

My friends say
that my Neil Diamond
is not to be believed.

That's great.

But that's really
about the only thing
I can think of.

I mean, everybody just
kind of sits around and
watches old, you know,

Barry Lipschitz
on TV all day.

Is that a man?

I do believe that is a man.

Were you always
a cross-dresser, Duane?

No, not until I started
working on a fishing boat.

We'd go out for
long periods of time.

It's just a way of bringing,
you know, a little touch
of home

to the boat, you know.

Those are some pretty shoes.
Hope my wife's not
watching this.

She'll probably want me
to buy them for her.

LIPSCHITZ:
All of you dressed up?

MAGGIE: Colin!

There you are, man. Look,
we've been chasing you
for over an hour.

Hey, hey,
don't touch me.
Leave me alone.

What's spooking you?
What are you doing?

What's your problem, Colin?

(SCREECHING)

(GROANING)

Colin!

REMBRANDT:
Come on, let us through!
He's our friend.

MAGGIE: Excuse me,
what's wrong
with you people?

Colin. Colin. Can we get
some help here, please?

What are you doing
sitting around? Colin?

All right, already!
What's with the cameras?

They're trying to get that
$10,000 from America's
Funniest Fatalities.

PARAMEDIC: Come on, let's go.
Let's ride with him.
Come on.

Coming up onLipschitz Live,
we're going to meet a host of
very interesting personalities

from this world and beyond.

Space aliens.
Inter-dimensional travelers.

Are they really among us?
And if so, what do they want?

And aren't they an
added burden to our already
weighted down welfare system?

You want to find out,
you stay tuned
toLipschitz Live.

Hal, this Lipschitz guy,
is he really the only
thing on TV?

Yeah, pretty much.

But, I mean, there's some,
you know, there's some
educational stuff.

Oh, did you know that you
can cut your hair with
a vacuum cleaner now?

Tell me more about
this Lipschitz guy.

Wow, you really are
out of the loop, aren't you?

All right, well, let's see,
he got his name
as a reporter

for INM during
the war with Guam.

Which we, you know,
we kicked their butts,
by the way.

You better believe it.
Damn Guamians.

Anyhow, after the war,
INM merged with TBC.

Now, Global bought TBC,
and then they merged
that with UniMax,

which, of course,
that got pulled into
the Turnbull Group.

And then that whole thing
just got swallowed up
by General Comco,

and then, well, that guy
that everybody thought
was the Unabomber,

he just went and bought
the whole shebang.

And then, of course,
he made Lipschitz his star.

I mean, everybody
watches him.

Now, how would one go about
getting on Lipschitz Live?

You got
a weird story to tell?

Sort of.

Well, you know,
they just shoot in a theater
a few blocks from here.

It's just right
around the corner.

(GROANS)

It seems, once again,
you've been handed
the reins,

and once again
you've disappointed me.

It's not going to be
that easy this time, Colin.

Like it or not, as
my stepson, you will
live up to your obligations.

Stepson?

(GROANS)

When I married your mother,
you became heir-apparent
to the Infinicorp dynasty.

Now, I can't tell you
how important this
whole transaction is.

No. Of course you don't.

A great deal
hinges on you, son.

Our merger with Millenia Media
means putting an end to
50 years of brutal warfare.

War? 50 years?

Have you been
drinking again, son?

I've warned you
about that.

Now, get dressed
and make me proud.

Get dressed into what?

Well, I guess
that answers that.

Nice work, conning
that nurse with your
Super Bowl tickets.

Well, of course she won't
be able to use them to get
into the game on this world,

but it got us
on this floor.
How is he?

No concussion,
no broken bones.

He's mildly sedated,
but he'll be all right.

Thank God for that.
We gotta get moving.

MAGGIE: Colin, wake up.

Colin.

Did he always
wear this jewelry?

Must've gotten
that stuff on this world.

Farm boy always
did like shiny things.

Come on,
we gotta go, Colin.

Huh? You a friend
of my father's?

You sure there's
no concussion?

No, Colin, come on.
We're your friends.

Go get his clothes.

Just how good
of a friend of mine
are you, toots?

Oh.

Snap out of it, Colin.
We have to find Quinn.

We don't know when
the next slide window is.

Slide window. Right.
Whatever works.

Here.

Hey, thanks, homey.

Hey, baby,

I'm still a little groggy.
Want to help me on
with those pants?

But I'm perfect
for your show.

I told you, I've got
all the guests I need.

Besides, your story,
it doesn't have
any sex appeal.

Bigger. Bigger hair.

Sex appeal?

Since cable died there's
no market for shows
about scientific whiz kids

who live in their parents'
basement and have no life.

I've battled androids,
I've met Elvis.

I even met
the female version
of myself.

Did you have sex with her?

LIPSCHITZ:
The senator, while
denying he was drunk,

could not
explain his nudity.

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

Sign it.
Sign the book.

You may sit down.

What we have witnessed
here today is the
beginning of the end.

The conflict is over.
No longer will our
efforts be hindered

by destructive competition
or ruinous price wars.

We can now all
push forward as one
single corporation.

And remember our motto,
"Farmers grow stuff,
but we feed the masses."

The merger is complete.

I now pronounce
you one husband,

one wife, one family,

one corporation.

Congratulations, son.
You're married.

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

Hey, Dave,
how about it, huh?

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

MAN: Welcome back,
ladies and gentlemen!

And here he is,
the paragon of the airwaves,

that titan of television,

the most watched, admired
and awarded host

in the history of
worldwide communications,
Barry Lipschitz!

(CHEERING)

Lipschitz loves you!

Too kind. You're
really too kind.

My friends, and I take
that word very seriously,

today we have
something special.

Something more
than just a show.

Something more than
just entertainment.

Sure, we like to entertain,
we like to inform.

But more than that,

most of all,
what we really like
to do is contribute

to the education of what
I believe is the most
knowledgeable audience

in the world
today! You!

(CHEERING)

They walk among us.
Or do they?

Today, we're going to
be talking about aliens,

people from other planets,
other worlds.

Are they here?
And if so,
what do they want,

and what do they
have to tell us?

Well, we're hoping that
our two guests on the show,
ladies and gentlemen,

will clear up
the answers to
those questions.

First, I'd like you
to meet and greet,

on live, on Lipschitz,
Mr. Arnold Potts!
Bring him on!

(CHEERING)

(WHISTLING)

(HIGH-PITCHED SINGING)

Be self-reliant
and multiply.

Well, thanks, Arnie.
Same to you.

Sit down
and get a life.

Okay, Mr. Potts' claim,
let me see if I get
this straight, folks,

Mr. Potts' claim is that
he is not really here at all.

I am not here at all.

Ooh. He is
a pan-galactic traveler

who can project
his image anywhere
in the cosmos.

Good. Love the suit.

Okay, our next guest, bring
him on with a warm welcome,
is Mr. Quinn Mallory,

ladies and gentlemen!
Come on, come on.

Oh, man, look, look!
I know that guy!
I was rude to him!

(CHEERING)

I'll be damned.
He's a good friend
of mine. Yeah.

Now, Mr. Mallory
is a slider.
Is that right?

He slides between
those parallel dimensions.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
Is that right?

Yes, Barry.

The guy is
an obvious phony.

Well, why do you
say that, Potts?

He's a media grabber.
He's in it for the
15 minutes of fame.

Look at him.
He doesn't even
have an outfit.

Uh-huh. Hey.
Yep, yep.

Come on, he's
got a point there.
He has a point.

Mr. Mallory, tell me,
when you make these

slides between
parallel dimensions,

do you slide
in your street clothes?

(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Yes.

I've made calculations
that prove conclusively
that the G-forces generated

by trans-dimensional traverse
would cause the subject's
eyes to explode.

(BEEPING)
That is why
I wear these.

(CHEERING)
All right! All right!

(CHEERING)

Love the suit.

So tell us why
you're here,
Mr. Mallory.

Well, Barry, it's
kind of like this.

Colin! Maggie! Remmy!

Come on down to KKRP!
We slide in an hour!

What is he doing?
One hour! We slide!

That's what he's doing.
Leave it to Q-Ball.

Friend of yours?
ANNOUNCER: Please stand by.

Yeah, and of yours.
Let's go.

Hey, whoa, whoa.
Where are you
taking me?

Far, far away.
You mean, like
out of the city?

At least. Come on.

Lead on, baby cakes.

(EXCLAIMS)

I'll give you baby cakes.

That's a feisty broad.

COLIN: I don't know exactly
how to tell you this.
Especially considering

that a woman's wedding day
is supposed to be the
happiest day of her life.

It grieves me to...
Put a sock
in it, Colin.

Let's just get
this over with.

But that's what
I'm trying to tell you.
I'm not Colin.

I mean, I am Colin.
I'm just not your Colin.

Now, is that the best
that you can do?
Absolutely.

You know, look, I don't
want this marriage any more
than you do.

But like it or not,
the corporate dynasties

continue through
our bloodlines.
It's a curse of birth.

But that's what
I'm trying to tell you.
I wasn't born here.

I'm from
a parallel dimension.

Have you been
drinking again?

You know, I've
warned you about that.

Look, I know
it's hard to believe,

but my friends and I
come from one parallel
world to another.

Your Colin must
be my alternate
on this world.

Did you try that line
on your father?

My father's dead.

Look, you know,
I know you hate
MacArthur, but really.

I don't hate MacArthur.
I don't even know him.

Besides, he seems to be
trying to do what is best
for his family.

And his son.

He doesn't care
about you.

His sole focus has been to
create the biggest corporate
dynasty in the world.

Indeed. And what
an incredible legacy
to leave to one's children.

My father tried
to do the same.

Although a two-room cabin,
four cows and some chickens
isn't much of a dynasty.

All right, fine,
delude yourself.

But some day
the illiterate serfs will
be outside the gate

and you will
finally understand
what's going on here.

Hey, look,
it's too bad
my counterpart

can't fully appreciate
the value of the effort,

or the value of having
a father still around
to share it.

But back to
the matter at hand.

I have to find
my friends.

All right,
forget your friends.

Call in the lawyers.
Lawyers?

Yes, they're in the hall.
Don't look so surprised.

They must be present
at the consummation to
verify the merger.

You know that.

Huh?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Colin, come out of there.

ROXANNE: What is with you?
I know for a fact
that you are not shy.

You know, Bernie and Hal
have witnessed
a lot of mergers.

(BANGS ON DOOR)

Colin?
I was gonna be the only
guest on this show today.

This charlatan demeans
the very concept

of inter-dimensional
voyaging!

LIPSCHITZ: Yeah, yeah!
All right, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.
That's a point, Mallory.

Come on, tell us.
Are you a charlatan,
or what?

No, no.
Okay, okay.

The only reason I am here
is to be reunited
with my companions

so we can move from
this Earth to the next.

(AUDIENCE BOOING)
Now, my timer states

that I only
have 45 minutes.

Listen, listen!
Now, my timer says

that we have 45 minutes left
here before we slide.

So Remmy,
Maggie and Colin,

please come down.

ROXANNE: Colin,
come out of there.
You call that a timer?

Colin, get out.

That's a timer.

That's a timer.

Get that
out of my face.

You broke my timer!

I'm sorry.

LIPSCHITZ:
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Look at this!
Come here, everybody.

All right!
All right!

(BANGING ON DOOR)
ROXANNE: Colin? Colin?

Marley's ghost!

Colin? Come on.

(CONTINUES BANGING ON DOOR)
Come on, Colin,
get out of there.

Come on, Colin,
get out.

Colin?

Colin, come out of there.

Colin!

MAN ON TV: Take your pick.
A thousand dollars off,
or 3.9 percent APR.

Hundreds of beautiful
used cars in stock,
some with guarantees.

Oh, great.
Everything must go.

We'll have to
get another cab,
if we can find one.

The Hilton runs
an airport shuttle
every 30 minutes.

Why would we
go to the airport?
We're going to KKRP.

And what's
with the smoking?

Hey, you don't smoke.

3.9. What a deal!

Oh, yeah, that's right.
I don't smoke. Sorry.

So do you
think we can
get a move on?

I think we should
get to the airport.

People might be
looking for us.

LIPSCHITZ: Okay, we're back...

So, Potts, you would
have us believe that
you can dematerialize.

That somehow the atoms
in your body vaporize
into molecules

which are then
magically transported
to another plane.

There's no
magic involved.

I deatomize here,
and I reatomize
somewhere else.

Well, I'm sure we'd
all like to see that.

Wouldn't you,
Mr. Mallory?

I don't think
you can call what
I do deatomizing.

Okay?
I jump into a vortex,

a wormhole that takes me
through a tunnel that
leads to another dimension,

another world.

Well, I'm sure we'd all
like to see that, too,
wouldn't we?

Maybe you will, wise guy.
Maybe you will.

Uh-huh.

You know, R.J.,
I never thought this
day would ever come.

I didn't think
my kid had it in him.

But from now on,
the sky's the limit.

Commemorative plates,
spoons, action figures.

LIPSCHITZ: Tomorrow on
the Lipschitz Book Club,

our panel of reviewers
are going to take a look
at the controversial

new bestseller
Satan: What's
the Big Deal?

That's tomorrow
on the Lipschitz
Book Club.

We'll get back to these
nut bars in a minute.

But first a news
update from the
Lipschitz Action Desk.

This just handed to me.

A new age in American
corporate culture was
born today,

when the heirs
to two rival conglomerates
were joined in matrimony.

Colin Mallory of Infinicorp
and Roxanne Crane
of Millenia Media

were merged in a ceremony
at the Chandler Hotel.

I'm a free man!

We've got
the wrong Colin.
Yeah.

Now, we have exclusive word
that, that merger is about
to be consummated

at this very moment, so we're
going to take our cameras
live to the bridal suite

at the Chandler.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Oh. Okay, well, there seems
to be a delay in the action.

But you can be sure
when that merger is
about to be consummated,

Lipschitz Live is
going to be there
with our cameras.

And by the way,
I do smoke.

Who the devil are you,
and where's our friend?

Hey, get your
hands off me.

Like the man said,
Colin Mallory married
Roxanne Crane.

And I hope
they'll be very happy.

That was
supposed to be you.

Yeah, well,
it's some other lucky guy.

Your friend,
or whatever.

How did you manage
to get him to take
your place?

I swear I had
nothing to do with it.

It just happened.

Maybe it's for the best.
I was trying to
get out of it,

and now he married
a great girl.

Yeah. And from
the way I see it,
a lot of money.

Say what?
Yeah. If our friend
takes your place,

then he gets everything
you were going to get.

REMBRANDT:
And you get nothing.

Yeah, well, maybe there's
time to change it back.
Yo, taxi!

How much time
do you think
we've got?

Quinn said 45 minutes,
10 minutes ago.

Which is not a lot of
time to hit the hotel,

pick up our Colin,
dump this Colin off,

and get to the studio
in time for the slide.

Chandler Hotel, please.

LIPSCHITZ:
You call that number,

and you tell them Barry
told you this machine
is the very best.

Hey, I've got something
for you on this
special occasion.

A William Shatner
novel. First edition.

But isn't there something
we've been ignoring,
gentlemen? Huh?

Isn't there a big, burning
question that concerns
all of us,

when it comes to you
aliens, or sliders,

or whatever you clowns
want to call yourselves?

Huh? Isn't there?

All right,
all right, all right.

What about the
swelling welfare
rolls, huh?

That's right. What happens
when one of you space clowns
breaks his leg?

Who is gonna pay
your hospital bills,
huh? Huh?

(CHEERING)

All right,
wait a minute.

What happens when
one of you guys takes
a high-paying job

on this Earth?
Are you not, indeed,

taking the bread
out of mouths of decent,

hard-working Americans
right here?

Huh? Huh?

Yeah. All right,
hold it.

We'll get back to that
subject in a minute.

But first, these announcements
about upcoming shows
on Lipschitz Live.

I was just
bird-watching.

Oh, my God.

It seems to me your father
and MacArthur Mallory
are most insistent

that this consummation
take place.

Are you hurt?

Only my pride.
And maybe this ankle.

I'm sorry to have
spurned you.

I hope
you're not insulted.

Believe me, it's
nothing personal.

I think you're
very beautiful.

And any man would be
honored to merge with you.

You really are
different, aren't you?

So I've been told
by more people
than you realize.

Look, I'm sorry
to have put you
through this.

But you just look
so much like him.

Then you believe me?

Well, I'm not sure
I buy this whole
parallel world story.

But I have never
known Colin Mallory
to turn down sex,

and I've never seen him
display this sort of feelings
towards his father

that I have seen in you.

Then, will you help me?

I have to get somewhere,
and I haven't got much time.

What's your hurry?
Stay with me.

You know, being rich
is a pretty good deal.

But I'm not your Colin.

I know.
But I like you better.

You're very sweet.

You're much like Colin
was maybe eight,
10 years ago.

I'm flattered.

Unfortunately,
I think you might
find me inadequate.

I'm not very experienced.

I was counting on that.

And I have
other obligations.

I was utterly perplexed.

I had never seen
a wormhole go
unstable before...

That's my brother.
And I must get to him
as soon as possible.

Can you help me?

Because of this
world's extensive
television system.

Sure. Come on.
The RF radiation

that was emitted
in the EM spectrum

totally threw off
the magnetic anchoring
point of the wormhole,

therefore sending us
into a state of
spatial flux.

Did I mention that
I met the female version
of myself?

(MURMURING)

Oh, hey.
Did you have
sex with her?

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(LAUGHING) Did you?
Yeah? Yeah?

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
Yeah!

Did you?

Now, well, that's more like
the happy couple that I know.

So, where are
you two off to?

Station KKRP.

What on earth for?

To buy it.
Yeah.

We realized there
are still a lot of
independent stations

that have not yet
joined our empire,

so we thought we'd buy KKRP
as a wedding present
to each other.

Good thinking.
Son, I had you figured
all wrong.

Hey, why don't you guys
take the limo and
go in style?

And while we're at it,
I think we'll buy
that channel

that shows nothing
but science fiction
programming.

Come along, dear.

The guy's a phony!
The guy's a phony!

You can't astral-project
in a sweater vest!

QUINN: Maggie, Colin, Remmy!
Come down to KKRP
right now!

ARNOLD: He's a phony!

LIPSCHITZ: Don't go away.
I'll be right back.

ANNOUNCER:
You watch Lipschitz.

You never miss an episode,
you think you've seen it all,
the flying chairs,

the transvestite cat fights,
the on-stage shoot-outs,

but you haven't seen it all
until you've seenLipschitz:
Too Hot for TV.

A never before seen...

...plus the infamous
comedian episode.
You haven't seen Lipschitz...

Keep the change.

...until you've seen
Lipschitz: Too Hot For TV.

Order your own
copy for only...

What's going on?
Who is this guy?

Where's Roxanne?
Colin, so help me,

if this is another
one of your half-baked...

Where are they?
Who?

Roxanne and
that imposter.

Imposter?
What are you
talking about?

They're not here.

The bridal suite is empty,
but that crazy
talk show is on.

Then Colin must've
got the message.

Great. So it looks like
he'll make the slide.
The question is, will we?

We need a car now.

I'm taking the limo, Dad.

I just gave you a limo
so you could buy
a television station.

That wasn't me.
I don't understand.

That was your Colin's
exact duplicate.

Actually, it was our Colin,
and we want him back.

And I want Roxanne back.
And the money, too.

Look, we could
take a cab.

No, no, no,
I don't take cabs.

We'll buy another limo.

Perfect.

LIPSCHITZ: All right,
so let me get
this straight.

Now, you moved
an entire population

from one world
to another?
No. Not exactly.

That would be
going against
the Prime Directive.

You can't travel
to other worlds and interfere
with their cultures.

What are you
talking about?

There is no
Prime Directive.

Maybe that's
in your universe.

There are strict rules
to inter-dimensional
behavior.

(CHEERING)

You are really starting
to piss me off!

Hey!
Are we loving this?
Oh, yeah?

Come on, let's hear it
for them, huh? Huh?

(CHATTERING)

ROXANNE:
Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.
COLIN: Excuse me.

Oh, good grief!
Excuse me.

Excuse me. Can I see
your producer, please?

Can I help you?
I produce Lipschitz Live.

Yeah, let us in.
We own this show.

Which means
we own you.

Wait, aren't you...

The big merger, today?

Yeah, Colin Mallory,
corporate magnate.
And this is my mergee.

Oh, oh, go right in.
I'm sure Barry will
want you on the show

right after
these sliders.

So how much time,
you think?

Less than 10.

That's pushing it.
Mmm-hmm.

Not getting cold feet,
are you, son?

I never really
got along with
Roxanne's family.

And frankly,
she hates me.

Hate?
That's a harsh word.

Resentment is
probably what she feels.

Besides, this is business.

You don't have to get along
with people you're
in business with.

That's what
it's all about.
Business.

Somehow, I always thought
when I got married,
it would be, well,

more romantic.

Romantic?

You been talking
to your mother again?

All right,
let me ask you this.

How much time
until your next slide?

I have got
a minute and change.

How about you,
disco ball boy?

Oh, I'll be
moving on shortly.

Oh, so you're gonna
slide away, too,
huh, Potts?

I prefer the term
astral projection.

Excuse me, people,
coming through.

Important people. Move it.
Come on, toots, shake a leg.

Where's the producer?

I'm Colin Mallory.
I own this place.

We've already got
a Colin Mallory.

What are you talking about?

I'm the real one.

Will you just let us in?
I can explain everything.

Well, almost everything.

If you really want a show,
why not have another
Colin Mallory?

Listen, this is
Colin Mallory's
identical twin.

Kidnapped at birth.
Raised by dolphins.

(IMITATES DOLPHIN SCREECHING)
Just let us in.

All right, all right,
all right. Go, go right in.

QUINN: What is this?
ARNOLD: You'll see, freak.

Thanks for believing
in me and helping me.

I really do wish
you were my Colin.

I do, too.
In a way.

I gotta go.

Folks, seriously,
I am leaving in less
than a minute, alone.

And I just
would like
to say goodbye.

To my friends,
to my brother.

I'm coming
with you, bro!

Hey, hey, who's this?
Another slider?

REMBRANDT:
Hey, Q-Ball.
Don't leave without us, bro!

What do we have here?
We have a weirdo
slider reunion!

Hey, how about that!
Those crazy sliders.
I tell you.

Hey.
Yo.

LIPSCHITZ: Hey,
it's a Lipschitzfirst!

Colin!

Roxanne, I...

That's his other brother?

Hey, what's with Colin
and the gold?

Oh, it's a long story.
I'm getting married.

ARNOLD: Five, four, three,

two, one, zero.

(WHOOSHING)

Oh, man,
I can't believe this!

Hey, come here, guys!

Cheese and crackers.

They said it
couldn't happen,
but it did!

Trans-dimensional travel!

Four people transported
from one plane to another.

And you saw it
on Lipschitz Live!

Amazing.

So, can we get this
marriage contract changed?

I think so.
The lawyers didn't witness
the consummation.

Hey, there was
no consummation.

Was there?

You didn't do anything
with that guy, did you,
Roxanne?

No.

Then, can't
we get married?

I hope so.

But is this really
a happy ending?

Stay tuned and find out,
because this young lady

could be
married to an alien
in another dimension.

What happens
if that guy
comes back?

There's only
one way to find out.

You gotta keep watching
Lipschitz Live!Come on!

(CHEERING)