All language subtitles for Secrets.Of.The.Female.Orgasm.2023.en

This programme contains full frontal
nudity, adult content
and strong language.

Tantalising,
mysterious, mind-blowing.

Oh my god,
I got lube all over my jacket!

While blokes get there in the blink
of an eye,

the female orgasm is an altogether
more elusive thing.

My clit is literally going to fall
off.

And as many as one in eight of us

have never been able to climax
at all.

Are you happy to just go through the
rest of your life and never orgasm?

I'd be fine.

Really?

I'm Yewande Biala,

biologist, writer and former
Love Island contestant.

And at the age of 26,
I've still not managed to come.

I don't even masturbate.

Now I'm embarking
on a very personal journey...

Can you see my vagina on screen?

..in an attempt to enjoy my
first ever orgasm.

I've got some lube.

As I probe my body...

Do you think
it's a good thing to masturbate?

Oh, come on, Yewande.

..and my mind...

I didn't know this.

The crazy thing is that nobody
knows this.

..and meet people like me,

for whom sex is all foreplay
and no big bang...

It's such a huge thing.

..can I finally discover the secret
of the female orgasm?

This is a story to tell
my grandkids.

I'm in the middle of nowhere.

To kick off my orgasmic journey,

I'm diving into unfamiliar
territory.

This is something that a year ago,
I would have never imagined doing.

Like, I've been so stuck in my ways

and like, you know, been so scared

to, like, colour outside the lines.

And I guess to understand myself
a little bit more,

you kind of have to start
where it begins.

Today, I'm going to be looking
at my vagina,

and it's the first time
I've ever done it.

I've since learned that calling
it a vagina

is a bit like calling your face
your throat,

and the correct term is vulva.

Either way, I've spent 26 years
expertly avoiding looking at it.

To make sure I don't back out,

I've come to West Sussex

to join a class that helps people
like me

get acquainted with their lady
bits.

Hello! Hi, Yewande.

It's run by Lacey Haynes, sex
and pleasure coach... Welcome!

..who believes that getting to know
your sexual anatomy

is the first step
to becoming orgasmic.

Welcome to our pussy-gazing
workshop.

We are here to look between our legs
and connect with ourselves

in a totally new way.

Most women who come to this class
feel sexually disconnected.

Others are seeking to reignite
their erotic fires.

My name is Briony,

and I'm connecting more deeply

to my body.

Hi, my name is Yewande,

and I've actually never looked

at my vagina before.

VOICEOVER: Sorry, vulva.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not
a virgin.

I have had a couple of partners.

Yes, I slept with them.

No, it wasn't earth-shattering.

And after all that, I still feel
deeply inhibited

by anything remotely sexual.

Usually in these workshops, I find
that the majority of women

have never looked beyond,
like, a cursory glance

at their yoni, vulva, vagina, pussy.

All right, I think we
need a few big breaths.

ALL EXHALE

Ahh.

OK, so as you're stirring this
energy of this part of your body,

you're just, like, exploring
the outer parts of your body.

Ahh.

You can feel
you have a pubic mound,

your outer lips.

Give your pussy a little squeeze.

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

Ahh.

Why don't you unroll your mat?

You're going to all...

Let's all gather around,
and we're going to take a mirror.

The prospect of looking down there

in a room full of other
women is, quite frankly, mortifying.

I feel like I don't know what I'm
doing. Yeah, that's great. OK.

Yeah, perfect. Perfect, yes, good.

I mean, I'm not wearing any undies,

so you can just see my pussy in
there.

But if I'm to achieve a mind-blowing
transformation, then Lacey insists

that any feelings of shame
and embarrassment around my pussy

have to be put aside.

Put the mirror between your legs.

If you can't see what's happening,

open your legs and be really
curious.

Keep your eyes on the mirror.

Now, I'm the queen of burying my
head in the sand.

But even I don't know how I've spent
26 years avoiding this moment.

You're cracking up.

You've got a funny pussy?

LAUGHTER

My clit looked like...
a squashed lettuce.

Does that make sense?

I just felt so uncomfortable looking
at it for more than a minute.

I just wanted
to put the mirror down.

I was trying to, like,
look at everyone else's without,

like, being a creep!

Because I just... I guess I just
wanted to know

if there was an issue with mine.

But it was interesting.

I hate moving.

But it's the first time
I am living by myself.

All my friends, like, they make
a joke out of it

and say that I'm so uptight because
I'm always, like, stressed

and it's because I've never
had an orgasm.

I've thought about what it
would feel like.

And what I've come up with is,

you know when a horse is like
riding into the sunset?

And then all of a sudden
they feel this urge to, like,

go up on their legs

and they let out this, like, huge,
like, roaring kind of sound.

HORSES NEIGH

And then they just seem so relieved
and liberated

and they just, like,
go off riding into the sunset.

Hold your horses,

serious scientist's head on now.

I've never had an orgasm.

Does that mean that there
could be something

physically wrong with me?

Hi. Come in.

As someone who's spent years looking
through a microscope, it's my turn

to be put under examination.

Feel like I'm about to have surgery
or something.

Don't worry. You're not.

I'm meeting consultant gynaecologist

and doctor in psychosexual medicine
Claire Bailey

for my first ever check-up.

All I'm going to do is just
very gently put a finger

at the entrance of the
vagina. Is that all right?

YEWANDE LAUGHS

Yeah!

I'm so sorry!

Just touching there. How's that?

Fine, it feels like there's a...

I guess I can feel it.

No pain?

No, it just feels like there's
something there.

All right... Ooh. Now, what happened
there?

I think I didn't relax. OK.

But that's OK there?

Er, a little painful.

And sex is never painful?

No.

If I give you a couple of minutes,

get changed
and then we'll have a chat.

All right? When doctors say that,
it actually terrifies me!

Oh, so much notes.

THEY LAUGH

So everything looks really normal.

The anatomy of the vulva
is entirely normal.

You can feel things normally.

Have you ever managed
to have an orgasm?

No.

And have you managed to have what
you would call normal sex?

I would like to think so. Yes?

It's not uncommon for women not
to manage to orgasm during sex.

It's less common for women to not
be able to achieve an orgasm

if they've tried to masturbate
themselves.

Have you ever tried?

No.

Has anything stopped you trying?

I grew up in Ireland, which is
obviously a Catholic country.

My parents are Catholic
and Christian.

Sex was never really spoken about in
my house

and masturbation
was, like, the biggest sin

and they would literally
tell you that.

Um, because of that, I thought
it was an unnatural thing to do.

And because of that,
I just never tried it.

Moving forward, we can give
a diagnosis of anorgasmia,

which means...
Is that actually a real...?

..which means
you're not achieving orgasms.

But I'm not sure that that's
necessarily fair,

because you may
well be able to orgasm very normally

and we just perhaps haven't tried.

So the question is whether you can
go away and have a try

at touching yourself.

She gave me homework.
Haven't done homework in...years.

My homework was to go home
and touch myself.

Yay, I guess?

I think I'm supposed to be excited,
but I am going to try.

I really am going to try.

I spent five years studying
biological sciences,

but I've just learned a new word.

It's believed that anorgasmia
affects 10-15% of women.

To find out if I really fall
into that camp,

I should get on with my homework.

Trouble is, I genuinely
don't know where to start.

I think the easiest thing
to type in is,

"How to..." Oh, my God.

"A dummy's guide to masturbation."

"Beginner's female masturbation",

"Tips for people with vaginas."

That's me.

The female orgasm has often baffled
scientists,

so I'm excited I found a site that
appeals to my inner nerd,

with a research-based approach
to female sexual pleasure.

This is a website called OMGYES.

Working with 20,000 women,

they've identified 12 masturbating
techniques

and have literally
updated the English language

by giving them names.

Framing, signalling, consistency,

shallowing, pairing, rocking,

God fucking knows.

To help demystify female pleasure
further, they've even got videos

of real women demonstrating
the ins and outs of it all.

"She demonstrates
the clit sandwich."

The place on my clit where
I like to be touched the most

is on the right outer corner.

Oh, my God.

Why is she naked?

What the hell is she...?

I did not expect that.

What can kind of even amp
this up more is, like,

putting more pressure by putting my
other hand there,

so it's, like, really...

I feel like I shouldn't be watching
this. ..deep pressure.

So out of all the techniques
that I watched,

I am going to be trying orbiting,
which is like the figure eight

when you kind of go this way.

So I'm going to try that,
see how I get on.

OK.

It just feels tingly.

Why does it feel tingly?

Am I doing it right? Am I?

Maybe I'm not.

That felt...

..like nothing.

It felt like rubbing, like,
dry meat.

Oh!

Hi, guys.

I've never had an orgasm,

but I want to know -
am I the only one?

Message me, I literally want
to speak to some people.

It's done.

I hate watching it back.

It's like, ugh!

I'm actually
really nervous about putting it out,

because I don't think I've ever
talked about sex ever

on my Instagram.

Oh, my God, yeah, my mum follows
me.

I think I'm probably going
to have to mute her.

Sex chat with Mum is awkward
for most, but when I was 15,

my mum grounded me for a whole year

because she wrongly believed
I was sexually active.

Having got the word out
about my little secret,

it doesn't take long for
the messages to start pouring in.

Oh, my God, so many people.

Everyone's saying, "Yeah, you're not
alone. You're not alone.

"OH, MY GOD, I FEEL SO SEEN"
in caps.

I honestly didn't know

that there was going to be this many
people, and I feel relieved.

I'm surprised by the number of women
who sent messages of support,

but more surprised at the sheer
number of women

who are in the same boat as me.

And one of them has even
agreed to meet up.

You obviously are here

because you've seen my story
that I've put up.

This is 25-year-old Sarah,
the first person I've ever met

who admits they can't orgasm.

So I'm 26 now.

It wasn't until I was, like, 21...

Yeah. ..that I realised that, like,
women could actually orgasm.

Oh, my God.

Were you the same?

No!

THEY LAUGH

I don't know, I think I thought

that it was something that you kind
of had to learn to do yourself,

and I think that's kind
of the case now.

Like, so when you say you've never
orgasmed,

do you mean ever
or with a partner? Ever.

So have you tried? Kind of,
but not really.

Myself, no, not really.

Why haven't you tried, though?

I just don't get the urge to.

I like intimacy,
like, I like connections.

I'm a very sexual person,

so I personally think I've always
been sexually satisfied.

And now that I'm in a long-term
relationship

and it still hasn't happened,
I kind of came to the conclusion -

oh, it's just not happening.

Are you happy to just go
through the rest of your life

and just never explore that route?
Yeah.

Really? Yeah, I actually am.

What if you never orgasm?
I don't know.

Like, I'd be fine.

Really? I feel like you say that
now

because you don't know what it's
like.

I feel like it's easy... When you
don't know what you're missing.

Yeah, exactly.

Unlike Sarah, I'm really curious
to know what's so earth-shattering.

More than 50% of the female
population admits to using sex toys.

So maybe that's the secret.

Do you know if you like butt stuff?

Here to help me find the right vibe
is Reed Amber,

empowering sex educator, podcast
host, and more importantly,

someone who can guide me
down the rabbit hole.

They all look so scary.

Do they look scary to you? No.

That might just be the way
that my brain is wired.

Yours will be wired
in a different way. Yeah.

Do you know if you prefer external
stimulation or internal stimulation?

Or are you not so sure? I'm not
so sure, but I know for a fact

that I probably wouldn't be sticking
that up myself.

Yeah, it's actually quite big.
I've found better.

Yeah. All right, amazing.

Oh, my God,
like, they're try before you buy.

I love this. Yeah.

So instead of what we get
as a normal vibration,

this is kind of like a suction.

For me, it is a lot.

It's a bit much.

It's a lot. I mean, amazing orgasms,
but very intense.

I would highly recommend trying one
of these or getting one today.

OK, can we go for this one, then?

Yeah. OK, we've come to my
favourite place here. OK.

The wands.

Why are they so big?

Like, where do you put this?

Mine goes right underneath my bed
at arm's reach,

so I can just,
"Oh, yeah, cool, yeah. Buzz!"

It's just so impractical,
do you not think, like?

You should make
space for your pleasure.

It's like the size of an arm.

With masturbating,

it's about just listening
to your body

and seeing what feels good for you.

It's so complicated. It can be,

which is why it's all about
exploring it for yourself.

As much as I can tell you,

you're the only person that's
going to be able to figure it out,

even though we can try and give
you good techniques in the process.

Yeah. There we go.

Is that a good choice? Yes.

Will I regret it?

I'm shocked that I got so many.

Thank you!

I feel like it was a real
accomplishment for me.

Look at me!

Time to get back in the saddle.

# Look in the mirror, girl,
you got it

# You got it, girl

# You got it

# Save me a table for one... #

OK.

# It's after midnight,
but the night is still young... #

I'm gonna try these two
bad boys here.

And we've got some lube.

Bye.

# Don't need nobody else,
I'mma still have fun... #

Yeah. Like that happened.

The reality is, I spent
two weeks ignoring them.

Then I rang Reed for a pep talk.
"I'm going to do this.

"I'm going to enjoy myself
and I don't have to orgasm."

And then that will help
unlock everything.

Take that pressure off yourself.

OK. Thank you.

And I finally gave them a go.

All right, here we go.

I went in with the wand.

My clit is literally going
to fall off.

It was too much for me.

It was way too much for me.

It hurt. Like, I remember being
like, "Ooh!"

Like, that actually physically hurt.

And then I thought,
maybe I'm broken.

You know what I mean?

Like, I've never really looked at
that as an option.

But maybe I do need to realise
that maybe I'm the fucking drama.

Not in a million years

did I think feeling pleasure
would be so hard for me.

So I'm putting my faith
in my favourite subject, science,

to find out why.

About one in three women reports
having a low sex drive.

So what if my libido is the issue?

I'm Yewande. Nice to meet you.
Very nice to meet you.

I've been invited to the University
of Essex to find out.

Dr Gerulf Rieger is one
of the leading UK scientists

in female sexual arousal.

Testing how aroused I get will be
PhD student Chloe Tasker.

If you'd like to go in and sit down.
OK.

Inside this curious cubicle,
fittingly named the arousal booth.

So this is the eye tracker.

Scary!

I'm one of 350 women that Chloe's
testing for her doctoral thesis

by measuring eye pupil dilation
and reading my vaginal pulse.

This is the probe.

There is some lube over there
if you need it.

If you can get undressed
from the waist down for me. Yeah.

Put this in and then call me
when you're ready.

The idea is to measure how turned
on I

get by watching alternating porn
clips of men and women masturbating.

As someone who has spent years
pioneering life-changing vaccines,

it feels good to be back
in the world of scientific rigour.

Oh, my God,
I got lube all over my jacket!

Oh, no!

Guys, can you see my vagina
on screen?

We can see what's basically
your pulse in your vagina.

Oh, wow. It's cool.

That's something.

Female sexual pleasure remains
vastly understudied.

But watching porn with a probe
up my vagina is, believe it or not,

the number one method to measure
genital arousal in women.

Why does he look like he's looking
directly into my soul?

When she starts seeing a sexual
video,

there's a reaction
to it that's not necessarily sexual.

This is very unusual that you don't
see that much arousal.

Yewande, can you keep your eye on
the screen, please?

Sorry. Thank you.

Not much so far.

Before we did this experiment,

I would have told you
I guarantee you will get aroused,

because women always do.

Done!

How did you find it?

I don't think I liked any
of them much.

I would agree. OK!

This is the start of the guy.

And this is where we can see
you were a little bit shocked.

It was really hard to figure
out where the porn clips were

because we couldn't see your arousal

as clearly
as we would usually see it.

Maybe because I wasn't sexually
attracted to them,

it was harder
for me to naturally be aroused.

Probably played a factor in my
really terrible graph.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah.

Usually, women show some arousal
to something,

and based on that,
she could be asexual.

But I'm still not certain

if some of that was actually
more of a stress reaction.

You are a little bit of a puzzle.

Yeah, I'm starting to to figure
that.

I know from experience that science
doesn't lie,

but their conclusions
are a bitter pill to swallow.

Even though the results are there,

I feel like I don't necessarily
agree with them, in a way.

I know I'm definitely not asexual.

Dr Rieger's spent 20 years
measuring people's arousal.

So to hear that I'm off the scale

has got me questioning why.

I think I feel fear when...

..I think about masturbation.

It's like I feel the emotion there,

but I don't know what I'm scared
of.

My journey to becoming more orgasmic
isn't going well.

So far, I've struggled to
masturbate,

been deemed asexual

and find myself no closer
to feeling the elusive O.

So let's rewind a bit.

What exactly is this state
of blissful euphoria

I'm trying to achieve?

Someone who might be able to tell me
is Anna.

Major girl crush alert -

she's a mechanical engineer
and an orgasm influencer.

As well as going viral,

she was listed on the prestigious
Forbes 30 Under 30 list

for developing a sex toy that not
only gets you off,

but can also measure your pleasure.

Products are never made by women,

especially products
that have women in mind.

And then I
ended up meeting a founder

of a different sex toy company.
It was a guy, and I was like,

"How do you know what you're
building works for women?"

And he was like, "There's an
industry standard

"where you put the vibration on your
nose,

"and that's what a clitoris feels
like." Oh, wow!

Yeah! That's... That is crazy.

We wanted to give people a tool
to actually understand their orgasms

and sexual pleasure better and do
it through, like, biofeedback data.

There's different things that
happen,

like your heart rate increases,

your pupils dilate,

your chemicals like oxytocin
get released in your brain.

But one of the best things

that researchers will measure most
often

is your involuntary
pelvic floor contraction,

so how your vagina squeezes
and relaxes.

Once you've done the deed,
the smart vibrator links to an app

which charts your orgasm.

So if you actually squeeze
the little sensor parts,

you can actually see it in real
time.

Then you pair it to your phone

and you get cool graphs like this.

By analysing the orgasm data

users donated to Anna and her team,

they made some wild discoveries.

We found that there's three
unique patterns that happen

during an orgasm, and every
woman is uniquely different.

For me, I'm an ocean wave.

So this is actually my data.
Is it? Yeah!

I'll show you so much of my
own data.

The ocean wave is a really rhythmic
pelvic floor function

where you're squeezing and relaxing
at a regular pace.

Then you have one called the
avalanche,

where it starts much higher in
force,

but then goes down in force
over time,

but still this rhythmic
pelvic floor function.

And then this is the volcano type.

So this is like the classic,

how they show it in movies, you
know,

like it's all this regular force

and then a huge explosion of force
and then a quick drop down.

So there's three unique types

and so far, we've seen
every woman is one type.

Pretty sure my data
would be classified

as a natural disaster, too.

Can I show you how freaking stress
makes my O data look?

But not all orgasms are
created equal.

And in the name of research,

Anna has become her own pleasure
guinea pig,

testing all the things that could
help or hinder her pleasure.

And a big one for many of us
is alcohol.

You can see, like, in the alcohol
session versus the normal session,

you see all these, like, crazy
spikes that happen,

but the orgasm itself is
really weak.

You can tell this is taking much
longer

because I was trying to
concentrate, but I was, like, drunk,

so I couldn't really focus.

So one thing I know about myself
is, like, if I drink alcohol,

it's going to affect how I feel,
like, sexually,

and then difficult to orgasm.

And we know that data helps people
feel confident about their body.

And confidence is one of the biggest
elements of, like,

getting to an orgasm.

Meeting Anna meant so much to me,

and it clicks with me a little bit
more

because I have an analytical mind.

It makes me feel comfortable
having the conversation

and helping normalise it a bit more
and scientifically break it down.

It's reassuring to view my lack
of orgasms

as a science problem
rather than a me problem,

but I'm still going to need
a bit of help.

I never...! Yeah, I never thought
I'd be coming back here,

I really didn't.

I feel like I'm going
to see, like, an old friend

who is very sexually out there.

As well as pussy gazing,

Lacey helps women overcome
their sexual problems,

so I'm keen
to see how she can help me.

I went sex toy shopping
and I got a few toys.

I tried it on, like, different
zones of my vulva.

It didn't feel like how I thought
it would.

It wasn't enjoyable.

You know what I want you to do
with your toys? What?

I want you to throw them
in the fucking garbage.

There is a lot of sensation coming
through

when you put that level of vibration

on one of the most sensitive parts
of your body.

It's no wonder that it was
a rude awakening for you.

And that doesn't make you broken.

That doesn't make you pussy broken.

That's just where you are
at this stage in your journey.

Yeah. It's just part of an
awakening process

of, like, turning yourself on
to your turn-on.

After an in-depth chat,

Lacey convinces me to ditch the toys

and go solo.

This is a story to tell
my grandkids. Exactly...

This is definitely one for the
books.

..when you're living
your multi-orgasmic life.

You are an orgasmic woman.

YEWANDE LAUGHS

Is that funny? That is hilarious.

Why?

It's funny because I don't
believe it.

We'll see what your vulva has to
say.

Take a few more breaths.

Maybe one hand can stay on your
lower belly or just rest,

and the other hand can maybe

start to just kind of go down
the front a little bit.

Take your fingers and just kind
of move them around like this

so you've kind of touch your inner
labia

and, like, gently stroked
up towards your clitoral hood.

Maybe, like, do a little bit of
this.

After half an hour of fruitlessly
fingering, I'm done.

It just feels like touching.

Would you like to move
from neutrality into pleasure?

No.

No.

Oh.

For me, it's like an emotional
disconnect.

And I don't know how to get
past that.

So this is the kind of sex education
that I'm very interested in.

What is sex education that's
not anatomical,

what's actually happening
as we touch our bodies,

where our blocks are.

Is there anything else that I can
offer you or anything that would be,

I don't know, just really helpful
right now for you?

I think it would be great to...

Like, it's so weird to say

because it's like...
it feels impossible.

But it would be great to see,
like, a simulation.

VOICEOVER: Yeah, a simulation -

my very nerdy and awkward way

of asking Lacey to show me
how to masturbate.

If that would be helpful,
I can definitely do that for you.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah? Yeah.
Let's do it. All right.

Back to the floor.

We're furthering your education. OK.
Yeah?

So this is all about you.

Watch how I interact with the whole
of myself.

So I've brought my hands down
and right away, like,

my pussy is coming online.

I feel like arousal is coming
into my body.

I'm not just going for my clit,
which would be an easy fix.

So I'm just kind of stroking
along the inside.

So now I'm, like, moving.

Now I've kind of separated my inner
lips and found moisture

and now I'm moving the moisture
around.

What does it feel like for you?

It feels like pleasure.

It feels like the pleasure
is building.

Ah.

Never in a million years

would I ever think about someone

actually showing me how to
masturbate.

At this stage, it's not just my, you
know, clit that feels good.

It's the whole area.

Like, there's pleasure
in everything.

If I called my best friend
and I was like,

"I'm having issues masturbating,
can you show me?",

she'd laugh at me.

I felt honoured that she felt
like she could trust me in that way.

LACEY MOANS

LACEY LAUGHS

Ahh.

Seeing someone being patient,
staying there, it was like,

"Oh, maybe I can do it too."

Maybe.

I have that, like, just-fucked
energy where I feel very, like...

I'm like, "Who are these people?
What am I doing here?"

With a little bit of work,

could I push myself further?

I don't know.

Much of my focus up until now
has been flicking the bean.

But orgasms during sex aren't easy
either

unless you're a man,

who gets their rocks off 95%
of the time during heterosexual sex,

a concept coined the orgasm gap

because us women find it much
harder.

But actually, women have a higher
orgasm rate when they have sex -

wait for it - with other women.

So what's their secret?

I'm off to find out.

For one night only,

I'm going to be a liberated woman.

What's the worst that could happen?
Did I mention

I'm going to an exclusive
members only sex club for women?

Whoever kidnapped the real Yewande,
you can keep her.

Hello!

Hi! Welcome. Thank you.

This is Skirt Club, where women take
control of their own desire

without the male gaze.

I always thought I'd be the one
holding the coats at a sex party,

or in this case, the skirts.

But ever devoted to expanding
my sexual horizons,

I'm here for some serious
investigative work.

So why are women having more orgasms
with each other?

Someone who's experienced the best
of both worlds is Eugina,

who's conveniently left her
boyfriend at home tonight.

Women understand women better.

We understand each other's needs,
wants and desires so much more.

Orgasm, for example,

it's not only like physical thing,

but it starts
with the trust and understanding.

Most women, they do what
they would like to receive.

This is Toni.

Like me, she's come from
a conservative background

and is on a journey
of self-discovery -

just a bit further down
the line than me.

VIBRATOR BUZZES LOUDLY

DEVICE WINDS DOWN, THEN STOPS

We got there!

Yes!

APPLAUSE

I think I was 13, and my mum
caught me masturbating.

Yeah, and it was so embarrassing,

but her reaction was very much
over the top.

I was shamed.

I felt so guilty.

And then after that, I never,
ever touched myself again.

Do you think it's important
to have a conversation

with your family, like, about sex,
sexuality, masturbation, pleasure?

I definitely think it's an important
conversation

to have with your family.

But there are generational
differences.

You might not always get the
reaction that you want from them.

Tonight's been an eye-opener,

but I didn't expect to come to a sex
party

and leave thinking
about my relationship with my mum.

I'd love to get to a point
where I'm as liberated and as free

as the women here today,

but I think a massive block for me

is my upbringing and religion
and culture.

So I think I really need to get
to the root of that.

Who knew that chasing an orgasm
would be this hard?

Open your legs
and be really curious.

Give your pussy a little squeeze.

You may well be able to orgasm
very normally.

The place on my clit where I like
to be touched the most...

Take orgasms off of the table.

Maybe I'm broken.

It's all feeling a bit overwhelming,
and if I'm honest, unachievable.

I've decided that in order to dispel
some of these deep-rooted beliefs

that still linger in me,

there's one person I need
to confront - my mum.

Mum grew up in Nigeria,
and when I was three,

we moved as a family to Ireland.

Safe to say, we never spoke
about sex,

and the idea's so uncomfortable
that I've booked an activity for us.

Let's hope this candle-making
workshop melts away the awkwardness.

Pour in your essential oils
and give it a good mix. Perfect.

You're all done. Now we just need
to wait for them to set. Thank you.

Yeah. Do you remember the first
conversation we ever had about sex?

Never. Do you not think that women
should be more open

to exploring, like sex,
their sexuality?

Hmm...

I don't feel cool with it. Really?
No.

Is that why you never talked
about sex in the house, then, ever?

You know, the only thing I think
I can do

and I believe other parents
might talk about, you know,

would be like, "Oh, if you do this,
you get pregnant.

"If you do that, you get
pregnant", and all that.

That's not sex education.

That is literally fearmongering.

What would you have me talking
about, then? I don't know.

Maybe the good things about sex.

Maybe what you should do.

Oh, come on, Yewande. Oh, my God.

Come on. Why? Come on, Yewande.

Why? Why wouldn't you?

Sex is...

Yeah? It's something really special
and something really sacred

that has to be done between husband
and wife. Only?

Only.

Do you think it's a good thing
to masturbate?

You... Yeah, would say yes.

But then why didn't you say
that to me?

Why didn't you say that to anybody?
It's a personal thing.

If you didn't ask the question,
why would I bring...

Yeah, but I'm never going to walk
into the kitchen or the sitting room

or anywhere and be like,

"Oh, hey, hon, do you want
to talk about masturbation?"

Can I ask you a question?
What's the point of all this?

I think it was important for me
to have a conversation with you

because when I think about sex,

I think about negative things.

I think about just growing up,

being constantly told to stay
away from sex.

I think at this point now,

I just have to put my hands up,
because I never did.

You're making me feel guilty.

I don't know.

Maybe you need to sit
with that guilt.

I feel really drained.

I think I was particularly
shocked

when I asked her, how does
she feel about masturbation?

And then she said it was
a good thing.

And then I just thought,
well, my whole entire life

I thought it was like the worst
thing in the world.

And I just... I think I was annoyed
at myself,

but also a little bit annoyed at her

for not quieting down the noise
in my head.

But maybe that's something
I need to work on.

Maybe.

Ever since I was young,
I've been motivated

by the desire to succeed,

intent on pleasing everyone
around me.

It feels puzzling that the one thing
I want to do to please myself,

I'm unable to achieve,

and I'm running out of people
to turn to.

Hi!

Nice to see you. Nice to see you.
What's been going on?

Last time I saw Claire, she told me

it was too early to give a diagnosis
of anorgasmia,

and she gave me homework instead.

I did try and masturbate.

The goal was to have an orgasm,
but I'm not there.

So what does it feel like?

Hands on my vagina.

Totally emotionless?. Yeah.

Just thinking about,
"Why doesn't this feel good?"

OK.
And just changing tack a little bit,

you ended up on Love Island...
I know.

..which is a very sexualised
programme.

Mm-hmm.

So how was that received
with family?

My mum, she was fine with it,

but my dad hated every single
minute of it.

Was it rebellious?

Probably, in a way.

How does that feel?

Great. Liberating? Definitely.

At that point, you were working
in science?

Yeah, I was in biopharm.

So is that doing
what was expected of you?

Probably. Yeah.

That seemed to just jerk
a bit of an emotion.

I don't know.

I sometimes feel like I live two
different lives,

and I don't know which one to pick.

I sense it's upsetting you

to have felt you've let your
parents down.

Yeah.

Um...

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I lived my life
just...

..doing everything that everyone
wanted.

So it's difficult now

when I'm doing things for myself

and I feel
like I'm letting everyone else down.

But then I'm at an age now

where it's like

I've got to stand up for myself

and do what I want to do.

And I think that's just hard.

Can you see how these emotions

can be inhibiting you

from being able to be

the person you want to be
in a bedroom?

Yeah.

I don't think this is hopeless.

I think that in time,

that this is something that you will
achieve by yourself.

And I think we just keep
working on that.

Yeah.

She pinpointed my relationship
with my family.

Yeah. I just didn't expect so much
emotion.

Jesus.

I've opened myself up physically
and emotionally

in a bid to unlock my potential
for sexual pleasure.

And I've learned the most
important gateway is my mind.

I don't even know why I'm getting
so upset.

I worked so hard at everything.

And to be able just to let myself go
a little bit more, it's just...

..so challenging.

As someone who used
to be so conservative,

such a huge thing.

And I'm happy I started it.

And... Yeah, I'm happy
I got through it.

So, yeah.

Three months trying to get
an orgasm.

Three fucking months.

SEX TOYS BUZZ

The first thing I'm going to do
is throw that wand away.

I fucking hate it.

Might keep the other two,
just in case it is for me

and I just didn't know how to use
it properly.

Fingers crossed.

And... Yeah.

BUZZING

And that's the end of it.
So, bye.

# A little smile on show

# Fresh kicks,
a kiss to the mirror

# You know, I'm looking pretty,
let's roll

# Yeah, I wear, I wear my hat
real low

# A little smile on show

# Fresh kicks,
one kiss to the mirror

# I'm looking real pretty,
let's roll

# I wear, I wear my hat real low

# A little smile on show

# Fresh kicks,
a kiss to the mirror

# You know, I'm looking pretty,
let's roll. #