Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:19,604 --> 00:00:22,732
- We both moved to Metropolis at the same time.
- On the same block.
2
00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:26,444
- And for three years, we both worked on the 16th floor...
- 17th floor.
3
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:30,281
- at the Daily Planet where...
- I was a beat reporter covering City Hall.
4
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:32,033
Yes, you were.
5
00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:34,386
- And I was on the sports desk covering baseball.
- Football.
6
00:00:34,410 --> 00:00:35,870
Right, right, right.
7
00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:38,039
- For three years, we never met.
- Three whole years.
8
00:00:38,122 --> 00:00:40,122
Then one day, I was on the
F train to get a blowout,
9
00:00:40,166 --> 00:00:42,710
and Metallo derailed my
train. Sent it airborne.
10
00:00:42,794 --> 00:00:46,631
So I, uh... So I caught
that train and set it down
11
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:49,008
on top of the LexCorp
building just to talk to her.
12
00:00:49,091 --> 00:00:50,343
Yes, you did.
13
00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:51,986
I had to reschedule
my hair appointment.
14
00:00:59,602 --> 00:01:01,979
Holy shit. Do
I love Valentine's Day?
15
00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:05,441
Not only is it the gushiest, mushiest,
most romantic day of the year,
16
00:01:05,525 --> 00:01:07,568
but for 24 hours, you
have a bulletproof excuse
17
00:01:07,652 --> 00:01:11,864
for doing super cheesy
shit for your partner.
18
00:01:11,948 --> 00:01:15,076
You can eat as much chocolate
as you want, no judgment.
19
00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:17,119
And it's super fucking
cold in February,
20
00:01:17,203 --> 00:01:21,290
so it's the perfect
excuse to snuggle.
21
00:01:21,374 --> 00:01:24,794
What's not
to love about Valentine's Day?
22
00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:29,006
Oh, I don't know. It's just one of
the most egregiously wasteful holidays
23
00:01:29,090 --> 00:01:31,050
in terms of
nonbiodegradable packaging.
24
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:34,637
Not to mention, an annual
mass genocide for roses.
25
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,389
I could go on.
26
00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:38,367
Oh, come on, Ive. This is our very
first Valentine's Day together.
27
00:01:38,391 --> 00:01:41,561
Look, turn off the jazz
documentary and let's go out.
28
00:01:41,644 --> 00:01:43,396
Sweetie, I'm only on episode 11.
29
00:01:43,479 --> 00:01:45,565
Fats Waller hasn't
even gotten fat yet.
30
00:01:45,648 --> 00:01:47,042
I promise, if you
let me have this one,
31
00:01:47,066 --> 00:01:48,568
I will never bring it up again.
32
00:01:48,651 --> 00:01:50,736
You will absolutely
bring it up every year.
33
00:01:50,820 --> 00:01:52,113
Yeah, but with less gusto.
34
00:01:52,196 --> 00:01:54,282
Fine, fine. Honey, fine, fine.
35
00:01:54,365 --> 00:01:55,843
I'm saying, "fine." Look
at me. I'm saying fine.
36
00:01:55,867 --> 00:01:58,870
Just as long as it's,
you know, low-key.
37
00:01:58,953 --> 00:02:01,289
Fine. We'll have a quiet dinner
for two at Mama Macaroni's,
38
00:02:01,372 --> 00:02:04,917
where the breadstick basket, much
like my love for you, is bottomless.
39
00:02:05,001 --> 00:02:06,294
Uh, you got me there.
40
00:02:06,377 --> 00:02:07,980
All right, fine.
Let me, let me change out
41
00:02:08,004 --> 00:02:10,548
of my bingeing sweats and
we'll get out of here.
42
00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:16,220
It is the feast
of St. Valentine,
43
00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:21,809
and I, Clayface,
have met a special someone online.
44
00:02:21,893 --> 00:02:24,061
Dude, that's
literally Jason Momoa.
45
00:02:24,145 --> 00:02:25,521
You're getting catfished.
46
00:02:25,605 --> 00:02:28,608
Jerry from Hoboken, New
Jersey begs to differ.
47
00:02:28,691 --> 00:02:31,444
Awesome. So look, if he
does end up murdering you,
48
00:02:31,527 --> 00:02:33,154
I'm not gonna identify
your corpse unless
49
00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:35,531
I'm, like, in the area and
it's really convenient.
50
00:02:35,615 --> 00:02:38,409
Who is pumped for
the best VD ever?
51
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,286
I mean, ugh, look,
you know what I meant.
52
00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:44,624
Mm-hmm. Honey, I am so pumped
because it's gonna be great.
53
00:02:44,707 --> 00:02:46,042
It's not gonna be great.
54
00:02:46,125 --> 00:02:48,085
It's gonna be the best
Valentine's Day ever!
55
00:02:48,169 --> 00:02:50,463
Right, because it's so low-key.
56
00:02:50,546 --> 00:02:51,546
Uh-huh.
57
00:02:58,888 --> 00:03:01,015
So, Clock King tells
me you're going
58
00:03:01,098 --> 00:03:05,811
to a painting and wine-drinking
event tonight for Valentine's Day.
59
00:03:05,895 --> 00:03:08,314
Mmm, that sounds
colorful and fun.
60
00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:12,902
Ugh. Yeah, well, Clocky likes it
and it basically guarantees sex,
61
00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:14,862
so I'll suffer through it.
62
00:03:14,946 --> 00:03:18,491
I wish I had a special someone with whom to spend the evening.
63
00:03:18,574 --> 00:03:20,159
Oh, here we go.
64
00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:23,663
I'm on all the dating apps,
but haven't swiped right once.
65
00:03:23,746 --> 00:03:25,831
I can't get past the profiles.
66
00:03:25,915 --> 00:03:30,920
Does no one understand correct
grammar, dangling modifiers,
67
00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:35,591
sentence fragments, using the
word "anyways" as a transition...
68
00:03:35,675 --> 00:03:37,093
It's "anyway"!
69
00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:39,011
There's no "S"!
70
00:03:39,095 --> 00:03:41,514
And as you know, nothing
turns me off more
71
00:03:41,597 --> 00:03:44,350
than reckless
disregard for language.
72
00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:45,559
Does anyone know that?
73
00:03:45,643 --> 00:03:47,186
You do now.
74
00:03:47,269 --> 00:03:52,733
"Anyway," it appears I'll be
spending my Valentine's alone
75
00:03:52,817 --> 00:03:57,530
in darkness and solitude,
where I was born.
76
00:03:57,613 --> 00:04:03,119
Unless that painting and wining
event has, uh, any openings...
77
00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:04,202
No.
78
00:04:04,829 --> 00:04:06,372
Mmm.
79
00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:09,375
♪ Mama
Macaroni Get in my mouth ♪
80
00:04:11,502 --> 00:04:13,212
I have got to hand
it to you, Harls.
81
00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:16,716
You've managed to
keep V-Day low-key.
82
00:04:16,799 --> 00:04:18,050
I appreciate that.
83
00:04:18,134 --> 00:04:20,553
Aw, I'm really best
at listening, ain't I?
84
00:04:20,636 --> 00:04:22,388
In regards to tonight?
85
00:04:23,389 --> 00:04:24,765
Yes.
86
00:04:24,849 --> 00:04:26,934
Ah, signoras, it is
your lucky night.
87
00:04:27,018 --> 00:04:29,395
You have been selected
to sample a new item
88
00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:31,355
from the chef's
experimental menu.
89
00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:33,733
- This is a vegan La-zeat-balls.
- Ooh, yeah!
90
00:04:33,816 --> 00:04:37,445
They are a lasagna inside a baked
ziti inside a fried meatball.
91
00:04:37,528 --> 00:04:40,364
Also known as the
Tuscan turducken.
92
00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:45,244
What... Oh, fuck my
taste buds. The fuck?
93
00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:48,164
Ive, what are the odds that
your three favorite dishes
94
00:04:48,247 --> 00:04:50,458
ate each other and now,
you get to eat that?
95
00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:52,811
Harley, you're gonna have to get
in on this before I inhale it,
96
00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:55,755
'cause it's just like... It's
like Under the Tuscan Sun
97
00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:57,757
is, like, playing inside
my mouth right now
98
00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:00,318
and we're, like, in the third act
where, like, Diane Lane, just, like,
99
00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:03,304
met the American writer and, like,
they leave it open-ended but you know
100
00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:06,223
everything's going to work
out which is so artful and...
101
00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:10,561
Mmm. Goddamn da ding-dong,
these are fucking good.
102
00:05:13,105 --> 00:05:14,607
Ahhh!
103
00:05:14,690 --> 00:05:18,736
All right. Sorry to crash
Valentine's Day, lovebirds.
104
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:22,656
But if the chef don't hand over
his recipe for those La-zeat-balls,
105
00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:25,451
we'll blow the whole ristorante
back to the old country.
106
00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:29,622
Please, just take the
recipe, and don't hurt nobody, huh?
107
00:05:29,705 --> 00:05:33,626
In the name of the father, the
son, and the Mama Macaroni.
108
00:05:33,709 --> 00:05:35,294
Pleasure doing business with ya.
109
00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:38,172
Come on, boys. Andiamo-ce.
110
00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:40,841
Go, go, go.
111
00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:47,264
Okay. We have to do something.
112
00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:50,309
That recipe cannot fall
into the wrong hands.
113
00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:52,186
It's just too damn delicious.
114
00:05:54,105 --> 00:05:56,565
Getaway car is headed
toward Robinson Park.
115
00:05:56,649 --> 00:05:59,151
Ha-ha! Wrong move,
you dipshits.
116
00:05:59,235 --> 00:06:03,072
You just picked the most
densely-planted park in all of Gotham.
117
00:06:03,155 --> 00:06:05,533
Hyah!
118
00:06:05,616 --> 00:06:06,617
Whoo!
119
00:06:24,927 --> 00:06:26,220
Ahhh!
120
00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:33,352
Please, ladies. Don't kill us.
121
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:37,690
Fork it over. Fork over the
La-zeat-balls recipe, you fuckstick.
122
00:06:37,773 --> 00:06:39,275
We were just the middle men.
123
00:06:39,358 --> 00:06:42,153
We was hired
by the CEO of Luxor Oil.
124
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:45,030
Yeah, his appetite for
unsustainable fossil fuel
125
00:06:45,114 --> 00:06:48,868
and new takes on traditional
Italian cooking are both insatiable.
126
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:56,709
Turn over the recipe for
the La-zeat-balls, Ivy,
127
00:06:56,792 --> 00:06:59,837
or else the love
of your life dies.
128
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,798
And on Valentine's Day, no less.
129
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,388
Ahhh!
130
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:12,224
That's right. I just
gave you the bird.
131
00:07:12,308 --> 00:07:16,854
As in whirlybird, which is
another name for helicop...
132
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,439
You know what? Just never mind.
133
00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:21,233
It doesn't matter. I'm...
I'm alive, and you're dead.
134
00:07:21,317 --> 00:07:22,484
Oh, my God, Ive. It's over.
135
00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:25,279
You saved me. You saved us all.
136
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:31,493
Wait, Harley. Did... did you
stage all of this for me?
137
00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:33,287
- Yeah.
- I thought it was the only way
138
00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:36,624
you'd let me give you the
best Valentine's Day ever.
139
00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:38,792
What about the oil exec?
140
00:07:38,876 --> 00:07:41,003
That was actually
the CEO of Luxor Oil.
141
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:42,922
I had him shipped
in, special for you,
142
00:07:43,005 --> 00:07:44,733
and told him I'd kill him unless
he pointed a gun at me.
143
00:07:44,757 --> 00:07:46,484
I know it wasn't exactly
low-key like you asked for.
144
00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:50,054
- But, you know, it was, uh...
- I love you so much, peanut.
145
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:53,140
That's your cue, Etrigan.
146
00:07:53,224 --> 00:07:57,603
Hellfire from below, glow
from death and decay,
147
00:07:57,686 --> 00:08:01,941
light up the sky for
St. Valentine's Day.
148
00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:13,118
So, would you say this is the
best Valentine's Day ever?
149
00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:15,955
It's so, so great.
150
00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:18,873
Great.
151
00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:22,294
Yeah, great. Sure.
152
00:08:22,378 --> 00:08:25,798
A while back, around 2500 BC,
when I went by Prince Khufu,
153
00:08:25,881 --> 00:08:27,800
I was in the market having beers
154
00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:30,278
with a buddy of mine named Asim,
and this gorgeous Princess Chay-Ara
155
00:08:30,302 --> 00:08:32,846
makes a grand entrance
with this whole entourage.
156
00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:34,139
It's me.
157
00:08:34,223 --> 00:08:35,474
And I say to Asim,
158
00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:36,976
"You see that woman?
159
00:08:37,059 --> 00:08:38,894
I'm going to marry her."
160
00:08:38,978 --> 00:08:41,456
Now, this was ancient Egypt, so
she didn't have much of a choice.
161
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,500
- Yeah, no choice, no choice.
- Two weeks later, we were married,
162
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,364
- and it lasted about 40 years.
- Lovely years.
163
00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:47,295
- And then we were murdered by Hittites.
- Murdered horribly.
164
00:08:47,319 --> 00:08:50,406
- But we were reincarnated and found each other again.
- We did.
165
00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,283
- We married. We died.
- Yeah.
166
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:53,659
- We got reincarnated.
- Yup.
167
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:54,994
- Time and again...
- Again.
168
00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:57,079
We always managed
to find each other.
169
00:08:57,162 --> 00:09:00,791
And here we are, 5,000
years later, still together.
170
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:19,268
- Yeah?
- Jerry, it is I, Clayface.
171
00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:23,647
So eager to meet you in the
flesh, yet, uh, mystified
172
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:27,276
that the address seems
to be in Crime Alley.
173
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:28,736
Yeah, that's right.
174
00:09:28,819 --> 00:09:30,863
It's a... It's a new
vegan coffee shop.
175
00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:33,115
It just opened in the
very darkest part.
176
00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:37,995
Mystery solved through
the miracle of gentrification.
177
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,079
OMW.
178
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:43,167
Hmm.
179
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,147
There it is. Is that it? No,
that's not it. Wait a minute.
180
00:09:47,171 --> 00:09:50,299
Vegan coffee shop,
vegan coffee shop.
181
00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:51,383
Wait a minute.
182
00:09:51,467 --> 00:09:53,385
All coffee is vegan.
183
00:09:53,469 --> 00:09:54,928
I've been had.
184
00:09:55,012 --> 00:09:56,781
Well,
that was a piece of piss.
185
00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:58,349
Jerry from Hoboken?
186
00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:04,521
Aw, you brought me a
flower. You bloody drongo.
187
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:06,398
Oh, dear.
188
00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:09,318
I don't believe I
understood a word you said.
189
00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:22,581
Are you bloody serious, mate?
190
00:10:22,664 --> 00:10:24,625
You don't have any cash.
191
00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:30,964
Just two nosebleed seat tickets to some
shitty show at Gotham Amphitheater.
192
00:10:31,048 --> 00:10:32,925
I was going to surprise you.
193
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,552
Well, now I'm defo
gonna kill ya.
194
00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,638
Ahhh!
195
00:10:39,765 --> 00:10:41,141
Ah! Too-roo.
196
00:10:45,104 --> 00:10:47,773
I'm so glad
you talked me into that.
197
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,316
That... What a great night.
198
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,276
Yeah. No. I'm glad you
thought it was great.
199
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,338
Which is a word reserved for things
that are the very best they can be.
200
00:10:53,362 --> 00:10:55,948
Like how a Greatest Hits album
is full of a band's best songs
201
00:10:56,031 --> 00:10:58,176
or how the Great Depression
was the best depression. So...
202
00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,451
Uh...
203
00:10:59,535 --> 00:11:01,175
Wait, what the fuck
are you talking about?
204
00:11:01,245 --> 00:11:03,181
I just wanted to throw you
the best V-Day you ever had.
205
00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:05,249
Oh, my God! Would you
look at me, you psycho?
206
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:09,711
It was the greatest Valentine's
Day that I have ever had.
207
00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:11,296
Ugh, now I'm going
to go take a shower
208
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:14,133
because I'm covered in
brimstone soot from hell
209
00:11:14,216 --> 00:11:17,511
thanks to Etrigan's
gorgeous fireworks.
210
00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:18,512
Mm-kay?
211
00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:19,656
Yeah, yeah, cool. Okay, cool.
212
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:20,680
Sure. Mm-hmm.
213
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,481
Happy
Valentine's Day.
214
00:11:29,565 --> 00:11:32,568
Oh, nice night for you.
215
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:40,117
Stupid Valentine's Day.
216
00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:45,873
- Hey!
- Huh?
217
00:11:45,956 --> 00:11:47,207
- Ooh.
- You get lost?
218
00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:50,002
Yeah, my GPS took me
a block away, too.
219
00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,879
What?
220
00:11:51,962 --> 00:11:53,297
Come on, we're... we're late.
221
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:58,469
Okay, why not?
222
00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:04,475
- Uh, name's Betty, by the way.
- I am Bane.
223
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:06,852
I like it. Mine's
a stage name too.
224
00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:08,687
Real
name's Elizabeth.
225
00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:10,481
So look, this client
is pretty demanding.
226
00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:12,149
He knows if you're
holding back on him.
227
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,026
So, let's get hypothetical here.
228
00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:16,653
If you're spanking me or
humiliating me or torching my anus,
229
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:18,864
am I gonna feel
it in the morning?
230
00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:22,701
It would be extremely
painful for you.
231
00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:24,036
You're gonna do great.
232
00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:27,080
Um, what exactly
is going on here?
233
00:12:27,164 --> 00:12:29,249
Hey, Happy Valentine's Day.
234
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:31,460
Oh, hey. Thank you.
235
00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:36,215
Oh, Steve.
236
00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:39,927
Ugh, what now?
237
00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:42,554
Wonder Woman, Themyscira
needs your help.
238
00:12:42,638 --> 00:12:45,307
- What's happened?
- The island is under attack.
239
00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:48,936
- By who?
- Uh, by... by some dudes.
240
00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:51,522
What? There's no men
allowed on Themyscira.
241
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,899
Yeah, exactly. That's
why we're all so pissed.
242
00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,651
They all just, like,
landed on the island.
243
00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:58,487
And one of them was like, "I'm
gonna teabag the fucking...
244
00:12:58,570 --> 00:13:00,906
sacred artifact
thing you guys love."
245
00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:03,742
- The Oculus of the Argo?
- Yes. Exactly. That.
246
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:05,077
It's sacred.
247
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,080
This is what I'm saying.
We gotta get going.
248
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:11,583
Wait! Why didn't you light
a signal fire to alert me?
249
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:14,711
We did. But one of those
assholes peed out the fire.
250
00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:16,672
We were all like,
"Dude, what the fuck?
251
00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:18,173
So disrespectful."
252
00:13:18,257 --> 00:13:19,257
Oh.
253
00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:26,181
Wait. This seems odd to me.
254
00:13:26,265 --> 00:13:28,809
Hey, if you don't believe me,
hear it straight from the Queen.
255
00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:31,853
Help me, Diana.
You're our only hope.
256
00:13:31,937 --> 00:13:34,481
Great Hera! I'm coming.
257
00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:40,988
Thank you, Cameo. Best
40 bucks I've ever spent.
258
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:44,908
And may your quinceanera
be suited for the gods.
259
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:49,413
So, I'm sitting in my
dermatologist's office.
260
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,123
I had a mole that
looked a little weird.
261
00:13:51,206 --> 00:13:52,749
He's a total hypochondriac.
262
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:54,626
A melanoma is no joke.
263
00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:57,963
So, anyway, I'm there,
264
00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:02,634
and this one walks in. And
immediately, I'm like, "Wow..."
265
00:14:02,718 --> 00:14:04,469
I looked awful.
266
00:14:04,553 --> 00:14:07,556
I had literally just been to hell
and back. I was summoning a succubus.
267
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:10,267
But to me, she looked beautiful.
268
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:14,021
So anyway, I say, "Hey, any spawns
of Satan come through here?"
269
00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:18,191
And I go, "Well, you're probably
looking for the law firm next door."
270
00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:19,943
Uh, which, you
know, cheesy joke.
271
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:21,069
It was cute.
272
00:14:21,153 --> 00:14:23,071
Sometimes I'm cute.
273
00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:27,409
Oh, I am slain.
274
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:30,662
Help me!
275
00:14:30,746 --> 00:14:33,332
♪ Ah, I am slain ♪
276
00:14:33,415 --> 00:14:36,335
Ah! I am slain. I need help.
277
00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:39,171
No, I am slain and need help.
278
00:14:39,254 --> 00:14:41,423
Oh, my lesser half.
279
00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,717
Come, let Daddy reabsorb you.
280
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,093
"Lesser half"? What?
281
00:14:45,177 --> 00:14:47,846
What makes you think
I cannot reabsorb you?
282
00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:50,641
Because your face is
where my ass should be.
283
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:53,352
I mean, I'm clearly
the dominant half.
284
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:58,857
Oh, what does it matter?
285
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:01,234
We are as broken as that rose.
286
00:15:01,318 --> 00:15:06,615
Let us just clasp hands and reabsorb
each other, and then we will be...
287
00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,784
Alone!
288
00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:11,870
My God, you're right. Alone.
289
00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:13,664
Forever an outcast.
290
00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:15,040
No one to love.
291
00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:16,917
Or be loved by.
292
00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:21,421
A monster!
293
00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:31,807
♪ What'sa matter you? ♪
294
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,810
♪ Gotta no respect ♪
295
00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:36,728
♪ Whadda you think you do ♪
296
00:15:36,812 --> 00:15:38,689
♪ Why you look-a so sad? ♪
297
00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:40,440
♪ It's-a not so bad ♪
298
00:15:40,524 --> 00:15:41,900
♪ It's-a nice-a place ♪
299
00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:43,902
♪ Ah, shaddap-a you face ♪
300
00:15:46,488 --> 00:15:48,156
Oh, that's wonderful.
301
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:51,034
How delightful that you remember
the song from our childhood!
302
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:52,411
The one the...
303
00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:54,454
...handsy
pizza guy used to sing.
304
00:15:54,538 --> 00:15:56,415
Oh.
305
00:15:56,498 --> 00:16:01,461
I have never met anyone that I
connected to so quickly and completely.
306
00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:04,089
Might I ask,
307
00:16:04,172 --> 00:16:06,758
how do you identify?
308
00:16:06,842 --> 00:16:08,510
You know, sexually.
309
00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:11,805
I identify as fluid.
310
00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:13,306
As do I.
311
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,947
Harley, what the
fuck are you doing?
312
00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:30,240
Stop, wait...
313
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,159
Wait, is this the
real Lasso of Truth?
314
00:16:32,242 --> 00:16:34,953
Oh, wait a second. Is this the
one that you got from Halloween
315
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:37,914
when you tried to go as Wonder
Wolf-man and no one got it?
316
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:42,294
I was a wolf wearing a Wonder Woman
suit. It made perfect fucking sense.
317
00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:44,796
But no, this is the real Lasso
of Truth. I just stole it.
318
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:47,591
May I ask why you did
this very stupid thing?
319
00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:50,135
Ivy,
320
00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:54,097
was this the best Valentine's
Day that you have ever had?
321
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:57,267
Y... No, it was top three.
322
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,226
Bah! Fuck.
323
00:16:58,310 --> 00:16:59,561
I fucking knew it.
324
00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:01,938
Top three, very good.
325
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:03,523
Let me out of this thing.
326
00:17:04,775 --> 00:17:06,651
Hey, Harley, who cares?
327
00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:10,322
It was a great
Valentine's Day. Great.
328
00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:12,824
Stop saying
things are great.
329
00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:16,953
With the Joker,
every single year,
330
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:18,765
I made sure that Valentine's Day
was better than the one before it.
331
00:17:18,789 --> 00:17:20,749
And although my credit
score is now absolute shit
332
00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:24,878
and I am banned for life from most
of Gotham City's craft supply stores,
333
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,046
I did it!
334
00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:27,005
Well, guess what?
335
00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,757
I'm not the Joker.
336
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,383
I don't give a shit.
337
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:33,553
I had a splendid, splendid...
That's an okay word, right?
338
00:17:33,637 --> 00:17:36,223
Valentine's Day and
now, I would love
339
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:37,766
to end it by bingeing
340
00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:40,519
one of the many fine scripted
or non-scripted shows
341
00:17:40,602 --> 00:17:43,605
that HBO Max has to
offer, then have some sex,
342
00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:45,065
and go to bed.
343
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:47,776
Like, perfect ending to a
perfect Valentine's Day.
344
00:17:47,859 --> 00:17:48,860
Ping.
345
00:17:48,944 --> 00:17:50,445
Well, not perfect, right?
346
00:17:50,529 --> 00:17:52,531
Harley.
347
00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:55,614
Okay, okay. Why don't you figure out
something to watch while I hit the head?
348
00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:01,706
Just FYI, it's gonna take a bit,
okay? I ate something weird.
349
00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:04,590
I might have that thing where my legs
fall asleep and you know the rest.
350
00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:14,135
So, Betty, uh, how did you
get into this, uh, line of work?
351
00:18:14,219 --> 00:18:16,096
Well, I used to be an accountant
352
00:18:16,179 --> 00:18:19,057
and just sitting all day in those
shitty chairs with no lumbar support...
353
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:22,936
Oh, my God. The
lumbar, always ignored.
354
00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:24,271
Tell me about it.
355
00:18:24,354 --> 00:18:26,690
They never want to
spring for a good chair.
356
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:30,402
But you know what happens when
you're not comfortable at work?
357
00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:31,862
Yeah, productivity goes down.
358
00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:35,782
Exactly. Penny-wise,
pound-foolish.
359
00:18:35,866 --> 00:18:37,576
I feel
like I know you.
360
00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:39,661
I was thinking the same.
361
00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:43,081
And I hope
this isn't too forward,
362
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:46,459
but how would you like to
come to my place after this?
363
00:18:46,543 --> 00:18:49,754
But
this... Can I?
364
00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:54,092
Yes, I would like
that very much.
365
00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:57,345
Hey, uh, is ignoring me
part of the experience?
366
00:18:57,429 --> 00:19:01,016
Because, if so, it's more
annoying than humiliating.
367
00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:03,935
Shut up! What
are you gonna do about it,
368
00:19:04,019 --> 00:19:09,190
you baby-dicked piece of
shit? With your tiny penis?
369
00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:10,858
Thank you.
370
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,820
Oh, where'd it go?
371
00:19:13,904 --> 00:19:17,866
I need my electron microscope
if I'm gonna find that nub.
372
00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:19,242
Hey, get in on this, huh?
373
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,953
I mean, I'm looking
at it and, and, uh...
374
00:19:22,037 --> 00:19:24,331
How can you see it? I can't.
375
00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:26,625
It's so small.
376
00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:31,880
Well, I, I mean, I don't know if small is the
word I would use or, or, or tight, I don't...
377
00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:33,298
No, she's right.
378
00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:35,359
It looks like one of those
pissing fountain cherubs.
379
00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:37,969
Go on. Have another look.
380
00:19:38,053 --> 00:19:42,891
Damn, it was a genuine pleasure
watching you work, Bane.
381
00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:45,226
Uh, thanks, I guess.
382
00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:50,649
So, we still have a few hours of Valentine's
Day left, and my offer still stands.
383
00:19:50,732 --> 00:19:51,983
My place or yours?
384
00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:55,070
Hmm... Let's do yours.
My place is a pit.
385
00:19:55,153 --> 00:19:58,073
Well, my place is
covered in cat hair.
386
00:19:58,156 --> 00:19:59,491
So, let's toss a coin?
387
00:20:00,784 --> 00:20:02,661
I'll call a car.
388
00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:06,998
Hey, uh, did you mean what you said to
that guy about the size of his penis?
389
00:20:07,082 --> 00:20:11,544
I'm sure he's not packing the kind
of heat you're packing, big guy.
390
00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:15,006
For sure. Absolutely.
391
00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:18,385
I am surely packing much
more heat than this man who
392
00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:24,724
most people would agree has a very
decently-sized penis.
393
00:20:24,808 --> 00:20:26,768
I can't wait to see for myself.
394
00:20:26,851 --> 00:20:28,353
You and me both.
395
00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:32,315
Hey, why don't you go ahead
and text me your address?
396
00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:35,026
I just need to make a
quick stop first to, um,
397
00:20:35,110 --> 00:20:38,863
grab a hoagie and carbo-load
for our lovemaking.
398
00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:40,156
Mmm, don't be long.
399
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,325
You'll see how long I am.
400
00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:44,619
Oh, my.
401
00:20:44,703 --> 00:20:46,454
Uh, okay.
402
00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:52,836
Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.
403
00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:05,223
If you've come
here to feed your foolish vice,
404
00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:08,059
it's Valentine's
Day. It's all half price.
405
00:21:08,143 --> 00:21:09,853
I got a specific
request for ya, E-man.
406
00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:12,439
How do I put this? I'm kind
of, sort of, looking for...
407
00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:13,398
A sex spell.
408
00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:14,941
How'd you know?
409
00:21:15,025 --> 00:21:17,110
Just the bulk of our
business all year round.
410
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:20,405
Helping those who
wish to...
411
00:21:20,488 --> 00:21:22,073
bone down.
412
00:21:22,157 --> 00:21:24,427
Okay. I want to give Ive the best
Valentine's Day she's ever had.
413
00:21:24,451 --> 00:21:27,787
Which naturally means the
biggest orgasm she's ever had.
414
00:21:27,871 --> 00:21:29,706
Like, you know, some crazy shit
415
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:31,267
where our neighbors think someone
died and they call the cops.
416
00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:33,668
Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, do I know.
417
00:21:33,752 --> 00:21:35,587
I may have just the spell.
418
00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:38,214
And I'll throw in some cleaner
to, you know, take away the smell.
419
00:21:38,298 --> 00:21:41,843
It's like 40% creepier that you make
it rhyme, but, you know, whatever.
420
00:21:43,762 --> 00:21:45,430
Read this out loud
421
00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:48,099
and you shall summon a power
that will have you both...
422
00:21:48,183 --> 00:21:50,101
Okay, okay. I
get it. I get it.
423
00:21:50,185 --> 00:21:51,644
"Double, double,
toil and trouble.
424
00:21:51,728 --> 00:21:53,646
Beyonce's thighs and
Clooney's stubble.
425
00:21:53,730 --> 00:21:57,901
Ass of Meloni and eye of Zendaya,
tossed into a hellish fire.
426
00:22:01,321 --> 00:22:02,447
Whoa!
427
00:22:02,530 --> 00:22:04,032
So what, now I'm
like a sex machine?
428
00:22:04,115 --> 00:22:07,285
The next person you
bed shall feel divine.
429
00:22:07,368 --> 00:22:10,288
Tax included, that'll
be, uh, $49.99.
430
00:22:10,371 --> 00:22:13,124
Oh, and I think it's
pronounced Zen-day-a.
431
00:22:13,208 --> 00:22:14,250
Zen-day-a.
432
00:22:21,257 --> 00:22:22,342
Hey, Harls?
433
00:22:25,053 --> 00:22:26,554
You okay in there, babe?
434
00:22:26,638 --> 00:22:29,015
Is this, uh, is this
La-zeat-balls related or...
435
00:22:29,099 --> 00:22:32,644
Sorry, babe. Took a little time to get
the trains running. But run, they did.
436
00:22:32,727 --> 00:22:36,564
Totally thought about what you said
about how this Valentine's Day was great,
437
00:22:36,648 --> 00:22:37,857
and I should not obsess,
438
00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:39,609
and I think you're right.
439
00:22:39,692 --> 00:22:41,712
Listen, I don't need to go
overboard and try to woo you.
440
00:22:41,736 --> 00:22:43,113
We just hang out here
441
00:22:43,196 --> 00:22:46,866
and be with each other,
and it will be great.
442
00:22:48,493 --> 00:22:49,994
I'm, like, so
turned on right now.
443
00:22:50,078 --> 00:22:51,746
Oh, you don't wanna
watch a show first?
444
00:22:51,830 --> 00:22:54,374
I cannot believe I'm
saying this, but...
445
00:22:55,917 --> 00:22:56,793
No.
446
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,418
- Oh, wow!
- Oh, my fucking God.
447
00:23:38,501 --> 00:23:40,170
Wow, wow, wow.
448
00:23:46,092 --> 00:23:49,929
♪ It's the right thing for me ♪
449
00:23:50,013 --> 00:23:52,390
Yeow! Yeah!
450
00:23:54,809 --> 00:23:56,394
Whoa!
451
00:23:56,477 --> 00:23:58,771
That was...
452
00:23:58,855 --> 00:24:01,774
Yeah, I've um...
453
00:24:01,858 --> 00:24:05,236
Shit,
I don't
454
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:09,908
know if I've ever had
anything quite like that.
455
00:24:09,991 --> 00:24:11,284
Um...
456
00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:12,678
Are you saying that was
the best you've ever had?
457
00:24:12,702 --> 00:24:14,204
Not that that matters at all.
458
00:24:14,287 --> 00:24:16,207
We're not saying what's
the best and not the best.
459
00:24:16,289 --> 00:24:18,267
But if we were ranking things,
which we're not, would you say that?
460
00:24:18,291 --> 00:24:21,878
Yeah, I... I... I think so.
461
00:24:21,961 --> 00:24:23,939
But if you take that Lasso of
Truth and put it around me,
462
00:24:23,963 --> 00:24:26,257
I swear to God, I will
strangle you with it. So...
463
00:24:26,341 --> 00:24:27,776
- Fuck yeah!
- ...fair warning.
464
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:28,861
I'm
so fucking horny!
465
00:24:28,885 --> 00:24:29,885
What the hell?
466
00:24:32,013 --> 00:24:33,348
Yes!
467
00:24:36,142 --> 00:24:39,729
They're doing it right there
in the street, like animals.
468
00:24:39,812 --> 00:24:41,648
What the fuck is happening?
469
00:24:41,731 --> 00:24:45,109
Well, I grew up in the
underwater kingdom of Xebel,
470
00:24:45,193 --> 00:24:47,445
and was raised as an assassin.
471
00:24:47,528 --> 00:24:49,364
Eventually, I was sent
to the surface world
472
00:24:49,447 --> 00:24:51,950
to hunt down the future
monarch of Atlantis.
473
00:24:52,033 --> 00:24:53,534
And I was that future monarch.
474
00:24:53,618 --> 00:24:55,828
Well, clearly, I
failed on my mission.
475
00:24:55,912 --> 00:24:59,332
What can I say? I can be
pretty charming.
476
00:24:59,415 --> 00:25:01,292
She does have a solid
left hook, though.
477
00:25:01,376 --> 00:25:04,963
We got married within a
year, which turned out to be
478
00:25:05,046 --> 00:25:08,508
the only thing in centuries that
could unite our respective kingdoms.
479
00:25:08,591 --> 00:25:11,886
It just goes to show you that two
parties from two totally different walks,
480
00:25:11,970 --> 00:25:14,722
swims of life, can
be stronger together.
481
00:25:14,806 --> 00:25:17,642
There's no hope for
surface dwellers, though.
482
00:25:17,725 --> 00:25:18,768
They're whale excrement.
483
00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:19,894
She's kidding.
484
00:25:19,978 --> 00:25:21,229
- She's...
- I'm not kidding.
485
00:25:22,563 --> 00:25:24,649
Ugh, fine. I'm kidding.
486
00:25:24,732 --> 00:25:26,150
I'm not kidding.
487
00:25:26,234 --> 00:25:27,443
Oh, how my clay
488
00:25:27,527 --> 00:25:31,948
aches for you, my
love.
489
00:25:32,031 --> 00:25:34,158
As does mine for you, my dear.
490
00:25:34,242 --> 00:25:37,662
Our hearts literally
beat as one and yet...
491
00:25:37,745 --> 00:25:41,124
We are forever unable to
touch lest I reabsorb you,
492
00:25:41,207 --> 00:25:46,337
forever wiping that beautiful
face from existence.
493
00:25:46,421 --> 00:25:51,676
We are the doomed product of a
liaison between twin mistresses,
494
00:25:51,759 --> 00:25:54,053
Fate and Irony.
495
00:25:54,137 --> 00:25:58,141
But I suppose we can still love
each other and never touch.
496
00:25:58,224 --> 00:26:01,394
It is the way of the
American marriage.
497
00:26:01,477 --> 00:26:02,770
Absolutely.
498
00:26:02,854 --> 00:26:06,107
We are adults, we can
control our own libido.
499
00:26:13,114 --> 00:26:14,949
Oh, no!
500
00:26:15,033 --> 00:26:17,201
We mustn't mix media.
501
00:26:23,082 --> 00:26:25,585
I'm
sorry, sir. You're too late.
502
00:26:25,668 --> 00:26:27,086
Close at 9:00.
503
00:26:27,170 --> 00:26:29,881
- It's 9:08.
- You have to help me.
504
00:26:29,964 --> 00:26:32,008
It's an emergency, okay?
505
00:26:32,091 --> 00:26:34,761
Men are from Mars. Women,
Venus. Let me guess.
506
00:26:34,844 --> 00:26:36,596
You want to have a
bigger penis, right?
507
00:26:36,679 --> 00:26:38,056
I... Well...
508
00:26:38,139 --> 00:26:41,559
Yeah, I... I mean, my penis
is actually a good size.
509
00:26:41,642 --> 00:26:45,146
It's just that my body is
actually also incredibly large.
510
00:26:45,229 --> 00:26:47,857
It's like if you took
Kawhi Leonard's hands
511
00:26:47,940 --> 00:26:50,693
and you put them on
Andre the Giant's body.
512
00:26:50,777 --> 00:26:52,904
Everybody knows Kawhi has...
513
00:26:52,987 --> 00:26:55,174
No matter
its size, this will enlarge.
514
00:26:55,198 --> 00:26:58,034
- Now, how will you be paying, cash or charge?
- Hmm.
515
00:26:58,117 --> 00:27:00,286
Oh, my God. Take my money.
516
00:27:01,371 --> 00:27:04,957
So I just recite the incantation
517
00:27:05,041 --> 00:27:09,003
while applying the potion
to the problem area.
518
00:27:09,087 --> 00:27:10,671
Easy-peasy.
519
00:27:10,755 --> 00:27:12,816
"Do not take if you have kidney
problems or are pregnant."
520
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,593
Yada, yada, yada.
Okay, here you go.
521
00:27:15,676 --> 00:27:21,641
"Take pity on my shrunken junk and
turn this twig to redwood trunk."
522
00:27:21,724 --> 00:27:26,020
Okay. Yes. I definitely
feel something.
523
00:27:26,104 --> 00:27:29,148
Is it supposed
to burn like this?
524
00:27:29,232 --> 00:27:33,194
Ooh, ow! Ugh, ow! Ow!
525
00:27:33,277 --> 00:27:34,570
God damn it!
526
00:27:37,782 --> 00:27:40,034
Well, that is a
fuck to the face.
527
00:27:45,164 --> 00:27:49,210
Bane, you impetuous fool.
528
00:27:49,293 --> 00:27:52,296
You're so stupid.
529
00:27:55,133 --> 00:27:56,968
And also...
530
00:27:57,051 --> 00:28:01,514
so uncontrollably horny.
531
00:28:14,819 --> 00:28:16,654
Okay, well, don't get mad.
532
00:28:16,737 --> 00:28:19,490
But I may have used a
magic spell to give you
533
00:28:19,574 --> 00:28:21,494
the best sex you've ever
had in your entire life.
534
00:28:21,576 --> 00:28:24,620
Harley.
535
00:28:24,704 --> 00:28:27,540
Oh, you can't possibly be mad at
me for getting you off too good.
536
00:28:27,623 --> 00:28:29,333
That is not a thing.
537
00:28:29,417 --> 00:28:35,298
I... I... Well, I think I can
when this... this is happening.
538
00:28:35,381 --> 00:28:38,176
Look, if the end result of this is
just that everyone is super horny
539
00:28:38,259 --> 00:28:41,387
and they all go and have amazing
consensual sex on Valentine's Day,
540
00:28:41,471 --> 00:28:43,389
then I really don't
see the problem.
541
00:28:43,473 --> 00:28:45,451
- Oh.
- ...my head all the way down to my toes.
542
00:28:45,475 --> 00:28:46,684
Shit, man. You got a point.
543
00:28:48,603 --> 00:28:51,314
- Ahhh!
- Oh, my God. No, run!
544
00:28:51,397 --> 00:28:56,819
My libido knows no bounds.
545
00:28:56,903 --> 00:28:58,696
Ahhh!
546
00:28:59,822 --> 00:29:02,658
Run!
547
00:29:04,660 --> 00:29:08,915
I, uh, uh... Somebody
else did that.
548
00:29:08,998 --> 00:29:12,543
Okay, yeah. That's obviously an
unforeseen problem we must address.
549
00:29:14,879 --> 00:29:18,633
I was delivering the keynote
at the Republican National Convention
550
00:29:18,716 --> 00:29:22,553
when I saw her cold, dead
eyes from across the room.
551
00:29:22,637 --> 00:29:29,727
I demanded she sit at my side, as queen
of Apokolips, or else I would destroy her.
552
00:29:29,810 --> 00:29:33,648
She asked to see my last
three bank statements.
553
00:29:33,731 --> 00:29:37,068
I enjoy our chit-chats the most.
554
00:29:37,151 --> 00:29:40,738
We never run out of
subjects to talk about it.
555
00:29:40,821 --> 00:29:43,199
Darkseid is... is...
556
00:29:44,492 --> 00:29:45,660
in love.
557
00:29:49,163 --> 00:29:53,251
Did my heart love till
now? Forswear it, sight.
558
00:29:53,334 --> 00:29:57,296
For I ne'er saw true
beauty till this...
559
00:29:57,380 --> 00:29:59,048
♪ Night ♪
560
00:29:59,131 --> 00:30:04,220
It is agony to be so close
and yet so far, my inamorato.
561
00:30:08,140 --> 00:30:09,725
I'm getting nothing.
562
00:30:13,479 --> 00:30:15,481
Ahhh!
563
00:30:16,983 --> 00:30:19,735
The only thing worse than
not being with you...
564
00:30:19,819 --> 00:30:23,698
is being with you but
unable to be inside you.
565
00:30:23,781 --> 00:30:27,535
It would seem our love
is, indeed, star-crossed.
566
00:30:30,830 --> 00:30:32,498
Goodbye, my love.
567
00:30:32,582 --> 00:30:33,791
Goodbye.
568
00:30:33,874 --> 00:30:35,501
I shall take some
comfort in knowing
569
00:30:35,585 --> 00:30:38,629
that somewhere out there,
my soulmate wanders.
570
00:30:38,713 --> 00:30:43,134
Here, before you go, please accept
these tickets I bought for us
571
00:30:43,217 --> 00:30:48,598
for Mr. Brett Goldstein's one-man
show. at Gotham Amphitheater.
572
00:30:48,681 --> 00:30:50,474
Alas, I cannot.
573
00:30:50,558 --> 00:30:55,980
I have a hole in my heart that not
even Ted Lasso's Roy Kent can fill.
574
00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:06,741
Non-refundable?
Mr. Goldstein, I am on my way.
575
00:31:10,244 --> 00:31:12,830
Was that
good for you, baby?
576
00:31:12,913 --> 00:31:14,582
Ahhh!
577
00:31:14,665 --> 00:31:19,837
My loins will never be sated!
578
00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:22,089
He's a giant fucking kaiju.
579
00:31:22,173 --> 00:31:24,216
I honestly don't know
why he's that big,
580
00:31:24,300 --> 00:31:27,470
but he must have, like, inhaled a metric
ton of my pheromones or something?
581
00:31:27,553 --> 00:31:29,347
I mean, that's the only
explanation for why
582
00:31:29,430 --> 00:31:32,767
he just came inside the fourth
floor of the stock exchange.
583
00:31:32,850 --> 00:31:34,286
- You know what I'm saying?
- So can't you just, like,
584
00:31:34,310 --> 00:31:36,979
kiss him to transfer
some unhorny pheromones?
585
00:31:37,063 --> 00:31:39,649
Um, I mean, in theory, yes.
586
00:31:39,732 --> 00:31:43,277
But how am I gonna get all the way up
there to get his mask off and do that?
587
00:31:43,361 --> 00:31:45,529
You don't have to. We're
gonna bring him down to us.
588
00:31:47,281 --> 00:31:49,825
Get ready, Ive. I'm
gonna draw him to you.
589
00:31:52,411 --> 00:31:54,789
Ow! God damn it.
590
00:32:08,052 --> 00:32:09,492
Hurry,
get his mask off.
591
00:32:09,553 --> 00:32:11,389
I can't
believe that worked.
592
00:32:11,472 --> 00:32:14,809
Of course it worked. I'm always
thinking ten steps ahead, baby.
593
00:32:14,892 --> 00:32:19,230
Hello, Gotham City. What say you
spend your Valentine's Day with me,
594
00:32:19,313 --> 00:32:24,568
Emmy-winning actor, writer, and
British bad boy, Brett Goldstein.
595
00:32:24,652 --> 00:32:26,946
I'll be reading selected
works of Lord Byron,
596
00:32:27,029 --> 00:32:29,407
the Brett Goldstein
of the 19th century.
597
00:32:29,490 --> 00:32:30,950
That voice!
598
00:32:31,033 --> 00:32:34,078
A lower-middle-class South
London accent that says
599
00:32:34,161 --> 00:32:40,710
he's not afraid of hard labor
in the workplace or in bed.
600
00:32:40,793 --> 00:32:44,630
I must have him!
601
00:32:44,714 --> 00:32:46,132
Argh!
602
00:32:46,215 --> 00:32:47,383
Mama Macaroni!
603
00:32:50,970 --> 00:32:53,097
Bane, what are you doing?
604
00:32:54,682 --> 00:32:57,935
I can't control my libido.
605
00:32:58,018 --> 00:33:01,564
I'm almost
not doing this.
606
00:33:03,566 --> 00:33:05,067
Have mercy!
607
00:33:17,371 --> 00:33:19,540
No!
608
00:33:19,623 --> 00:33:23,335
Brett Goldstein, you deserve
someone who makes you feel
609
00:33:23,419 --> 00:33:26,046
like you've been
fucked by lightning.
610
00:33:30,718 --> 00:33:32,553
Maybe they can rebuild it?
611
00:33:32,636 --> 00:33:34,847
All I wanted for Valentine's
Day was to hang out
612
00:33:34,930 --> 00:33:38,642
in our fucking apartment and
fucking watch TV and have sex.
613
00:33:38,726 --> 00:33:40,603
But no, it wasn't
enough for you.
614
00:33:40,686 --> 00:33:44,565
And now you've ruined my favorite
restaurant in all of Gotham City.
615
00:33:44,648 --> 00:33:46,942
I, I think they opened a
second location in Bludhaven.
616
00:33:47,026 --> 00:33:49,487
You know, you say you wanted
to do something special for me,
617
00:33:49,570 --> 00:33:53,324
but you don't listen when I try
to tell you what I actually want.
618
00:33:53,407 --> 00:33:54,700
What about what I want?
619
00:33:54,784 --> 00:33:56,494
You wanted to go out.
620
00:33:56,577 --> 00:34:00,164
I said yes, even though I didn't
want to, because I listened.
621
00:34:00,247 --> 00:34:03,834
I listened to what you wanted.
622
00:34:03,918 --> 00:34:06,003
And I said, "Okay."
623
00:34:06,086 --> 00:34:07,546
I didn't mean for
this to happen,
624
00:34:07,630 --> 00:34:09,048
and because I am not yet ready
625
00:34:09,131 --> 00:34:11,675
to accept blame for
ruining Valentine's Day,
626
00:34:11,759 --> 00:34:14,512
I am going to focus on
beating the shit out of Bane.
627
00:34:16,472 --> 00:34:18,182
I mean, at least
she's self-aware.
628
00:34:18,265 --> 00:34:19,642
Coming, Harley.
629
00:34:19,725 --> 00:34:21,101
Ahhh!
630
00:34:22,269 --> 00:34:23,896
Oh, my God!
631
00:34:23,979 --> 00:34:28,442
I will make BAFTA-winning
love to you, Brett Goldstein!
632
00:34:28,526 --> 00:34:30,653
How are we gonna move all
those people out of there?
633
00:34:30,736 --> 00:34:34,532
I mean, they paid 120 bucks to
see a guy polish his stupid Emmy.
634
00:34:34,615 --> 00:34:36,117
Do they really need to live?
635
00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:37,493
Ive!
636
00:34:48,045 --> 00:34:50,245
Hey, girl, I
think we have only one option.
637
00:34:51,048 --> 00:34:53,133
We have to turn off Bane.
638
00:34:53,217 --> 00:34:55,594
Okay. Bane has to have
listed some turnoffs
639
00:34:55,678 --> 00:34:57,221
on his dating profile.
640
00:34:57,304 --> 00:34:59,765
The
later seasons of The Office?
641
00:34:59,849 --> 00:35:02,393
What the fuck? What a psycho.
642
00:35:02,476 --> 00:35:05,688
If he liked the Dexter series
finale, I'm, like, through with him.
643
00:35:05,771 --> 00:35:07,541
Don't worry. There's a
few other things on here
644
00:35:07,565 --> 00:35:09,191
that might work to
give him a hard-off.
645
00:35:18,325 --> 00:35:20,244
Your
attention, please.
646
00:35:20,327 --> 00:35:23,706
If someone is in need of an extra
ticket for tonight's performance,
647
00:35:23,789 --> 00:35:29,378
oh, cruel fate has absconded
with my beloved plus-one.
648
00:35:30,796 --> 00:35:35,634
But his joy can be yours
for the low price of $80.
649
00:35:35,718 --> 00:35:37,595
Do you think someone
laced our weed?
650
00:35:37,678 --> 00:35:39,865
But soft, what light
through yonder window breaks?
651
00:35:39,889 --> 00:35:43,976
It is the east and
Clayface, the sun.
652
00:35:44,059 --> 00:35:47,146
And there is my moon.
653
00:35:47,229 --> 00:35:50,107
I dare dream your voice
would be accompanied
654
00:35:50,190 --> 00:35:52,359
by your gorgeous countenance.
655
00:35:53,694 --> 00:35:55,863
You and I are so
exactly the same.
656
00:35:55,946 --> 00:35:58,032
I bet we could
finish each other...
657
00:35:58,115 --> 00:35:59,241
Off.
658
00:35:59,325 --> 00:36:02,328
Yes, well, I was going
to say sentences,
659
00:36:02,411 --> 00:36:05,497
but this must be fate,
demanding we be together.
660
00:36:05,581 --> 00:36:06,874
This is so fucking weird.
661
00:36:09,168 --> 00:36:13,464
"So, we'll go no more a
roving So late into the night,
662
00:36:13,547 --> 00:36:16,050
Though the heart
be still as loving,
663
00:36:16,133 --> 00:36:18,427
And the moon be still as bright.
664
00:36:18,510 --> 00:36:20,638
For the sword
outwears its sheath,"
665
00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:26,977
"And the heart must
pause to breathe,
666
00:36:27,061 --> 00:36:29,980
And love itself have rest.
667
00:36:30,064 --> 00:36:32,149
Though the night
was made for loving,
668
00:36:32,233 --> 00:36:34,109
And the day returns too soon,
669
00:36:34,193 --> 00:36:39,490
Yet we'll go no more a roving
By the light of the moon."
670
00:36:39,573 --> 00:36:41,575
So what if we can never touch?
671
00:36:41,659 --> 00:36:43,994
Just knowing we are not
alone in this world,
672
00:36:44,078 --> 00:36:47,456
that I ache for you the
same way that you ache...
673
00:36:52,503 --> 00:36:55,631
No!
674
00:36:55,714 --> 00:37:01,220
You will be bent into positions you
did not know possible, Brett Goldstein.
675
00:37:02,721 --> 00:37:07,059
Everyone, calmly head
for the nearest exit.
676
00:37:07,142 --> 00:37:11,355
Do not gawk at the large testicles
swinging like wrecking balls.
677
00:37:17,861 --> 00:37:19,697
We may have his turnoffs, honey,
678
00:37:19,780 --> 00:37:23,409
but how the hell are we
gonna get him to hear them?
679
00:37:23,492 --> 00:37:24,868
We're not. But he is.
680
00:37:26,286 --> 00:37:27,871
Hey, quick question.
681
00:37:27,955 --> 00:37:30,155
Can you grow to a giant-sized
version of Brett Goldstein,
682
00:37:30,207 --> 00:37:32,376
then start shouting some
of Bane's turnoffs at him
683
00:37:32,459 --> 00:37:34,128
so he stops trying to fuck you?
684
00:37:34,211 --> 00:37:35,713
First of all,
685
00:37:35,796 --> 00:37:37,172
not a quick question.
686
00:37:37,256 --> 00:37:39,717
There are a lot of
problematic things in there.
687
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:42,720
And secondly, no, I
cannot accommodate you
688
00:37:42,803 --> 00:37:45,014
whilst my heart is broken.
689
00:37:46,765 --> 00:37:49,184
Clayface, let me ask you
something. This is serious, okay?
690
00:37:49,268 --> 00:37:54,440
If Ian Somerhalder could continue
filming Season 5 of Vampire Diaries
691
00:37:54,523 --> 00:37:57,026
after his breakup
with Nina Dobrev,
692
00:37:57,109 --> 00:37:58,944
you can do this.
693
00:37:59,695 --> 00:38:01,238
You can do it.
694
00:38:01,321 --> 00:38:02,448
It's true.
695
00:38:02,531 --> 00:38:04,616
That was some of
his finest work.
696
00:38:04,700 --> 00:38:07,745
I suppose it is the
challenge of a lifetime.
697
00:38:07,828 --> 00:38:11,790
And I would
Stanis-love-sky to do it!
698
00:38:16,378 --> 00:38:18,672
Where did the hell did
you pull that from?
699
00:38:18,756 --> 00:38:24,011
My aunt posted an article about celeb
breakups on Wayneface the other day, so...
700
00:38:26,764 --> 00:38:31,977
Do my eyes deceive me
or are you fun-sized?
701
00:38:32,061 --> 00:38:33,812
Eh, start talking
about his turnoffs.
702
00:38:33,896 --> 00:38:36,023
He hates angel hair
pasta and that thing
703
00:38:36,106 --> 00:38:38,752
where you say goodbye to someone but
then you both walk in the same direction.
704
00:38:38,776 --> 00:38:40,569
He hates that.
705
00:38:40,652 --> 00:38:44,615
Young master Bane, I know my stubbly,
rugged appearance may belie this,
706
00:38:44,698 --> 00:38:46,992
but I know a thing
or two about love,
707
00:38:47,076 --> 00:38:50,913
and let me assure you, love
is in the eye of the beholder.
708
00:38:50,996 --> 00:38:52,876
And you don't need to
copulate with the building
709
00:38:52,956 --> 00:38:55,751
until it crumbles to the ground
to let it know that you love it.
710
00:38:55,834 --> 00:39:00,589
I mean, what is
horny, if not love...
711
00:39:00,672 --> 00:39:05,052
♪ Persevering? ♪
712
00:39:05,135 --> 00:39:06,553
Ah. What?
713
00:39:06,637 --> 00:39:09,264
Anyways, I digress.
714
00:39:10,265 --> 00:39:11,975
It's "anyway."
715
00:39:12,059 --> 00:39:14,186
It's not "anyways."
716
00:39:14,269 --> 00:39:18,273
It is? "Anyways" sounds right to a boy
born and raised in salt-of-the-earth
717
00:39:18,357 --> 00:39:19,775
Sutton, United Kingdom.
718
00:39:19,858 --> 00:39:21,568
That really begs the question.
719
00:39:21,652 --> 00:39:23,487
- Why isn't it "anyways"?
- No.
720
00:39:23,570 --> 00:39:28,867
No, no. God, that's not the correct
usage of "begs the question."
721
00:39:28,951 --> 00:39:32,704
You're not supposed to just use it
in place of "raises the question."
722
00:39:32,788 --> 00:39:37,251
It is to be used only to
identify flawed premises,
723
00:39:37,334 --> 00:39:43,966
as in, "The American public's acceptance of
"anyways" because 'everyone does it already'
724
00:39:44,049 --> 00:39:47,511
really begs the
fucking question."
725
00:39:47,594 --> 00:39:50,472
Ahhh! So annoying.
726
00:39:50,556 --> 00:39:54,476
He's getting turned off.
It's working. It's working!
727
00:39:54,560 --> 00:39:56,603
The only thing
I'm certain of now
728
00:39:56,687 --> 00:40:00,232
is that I will never see
anything stupider in my life.
729
00:40:00,315 --> 00:40:02,276
The event promoters
have informed me
730
00:40:02,359 --> 00:40:07,197
that refunds do not apply to
massive homicidal bellends.
731
00:40:07,281 --> 00:40:08,699
I'm so sorry.
732
00:40:08,782 --> 00:40:13,120
I wish I could do something.
I am but one human man.
733
00:40:13,203 --> 00:40:15,914
Are you good now?
You gonna stop humping stuff?
734
00:40:16,540 --> 00:40:17,541
Yes.
735
00:40:17,624 --> 00:40:19,376
Thank you for saving me.
736
00:40:19,459 --> 00:40:22,045
Yeah, I don't know
what got into me.
737
00:40:22,129 --> 00:40:27,217
Except for all that testosterone
and reproductive fluid.
738
00:40:27,301 --> 00:40:30,762
Oh, yeah. See, I got a magic spell to
give Ive the best orgasm she ever had,
739
00:40:30,846 --> 00:40:33,640
and then her pheromones exploded
everywhere and made you supes horny.
740
00:40:33,724 --> 00:40:35,475
But I'm really not sure
why you're so giant.
741
00:40:35,559 --> 00:40:37,936
I also got a magic
spell to...
742
00:40:38,020 --> 00:40:41,523
do something nice for
someone on Valentine's Day.
743
00:40:41,607 --> 00:40:43,525
Aw, trying to pack a
little more heat, huh?
744
00:40:43,609 --> 00:40:47,029
I packed the appropriate
amount of heat.
745
00:40:48,864 --> 00:40:52,576
This is the second-biggest Valentine's
Day disaster I've ever had.
746
00:40:52,659 --> 00:40:55,204
I mean, pray
tell, what was the first?
747
00:40:55,287 --> 00:40:57,623
When I missed the Season
8 episode of The Office
748
00:40:57,706 --> 00:41:00,792
where Jim goes to Tallahassee
to see Robert California.
749
00:41:00,876 --> 00:41:04,421
God, what the fuck was even
going on in that show?,
750
00:41:04,504 --> 00:41:08,926
I guess it's
another solo V-Day.
751
00:41:09,009 --> 00:41:13,180
Maybe I'll go back to the pit
and cuddle with a pile of rocks.
752
00:41:13,263 --> 00:41:14,389
Want some company?
753
00:41:16,475 --> 00:41:18,560
Betty, what are you doing here?
754
00:41:18,644 --> 00:41:21,438
Well, I saw you getting it on
with the skyline and thought,
755
00:41:21,521 --> 00:41:25,192
"Hey, back off, Wayne
Tower! That's my man!"
756
00:41:25,275 --> 00:41:29,404
Ha! So my giant body is
not a turn-off to you?
757
00:41:29,488 --> 00:41:33,742
You have a sexual charisma of
which I'd like to be a part.
758
00:41:33,825 --> 00:41:38,956
Ending your sentence with a noun,
as opposed to a preposition...
759
00:41:39,039 --> 00:41:40,249
Bane likey.
760
00:41:40,332 --> 00:41:43,418
Let's get
out of here, big guy.
761
00:41:48,048 --> 00:41:50,342
- Um...
- How do you think that's gonna work?
762
00:41:50,425 --> 00:41:52,010
You know, not well.
763
00:41:52,094 --> 00:41:55,305
Wow! The smoke from the millions
of square feet of rubble
764
00:41:55,389 --> 00:41:58,809
really makes for a
beautiful night sky, Ive.
765
00:41:58,892 --> 00:42:01,311
The next time you get the idea
766
00:42:01,395 --> 00:42:04,898
to do something extra Harley
to prove your love to me,
767
00:42:04,982 --> 00:42:07,109
I just want you to
know you don't have to.
768
00:42:07,192 --> 00:42:08,819
Because it doesn't matter
769
00:42:08,902 --> 00:42:10,988
if something's the
best Valentine's Day
770
00:42:11,071 --> 00:42:14,157
or date night or orgasm
I've ever had or not,
771
00:42:14,241 --> 00:42:18,829
because this is the
best relationship
772
00:42:18,912 --> 00:42:21,039
I've been in. By a mile.
773
00:42:21,123 --> 00:42:23,625
Yeah, I think the
orgasm matters.
774
00:42:23,709 --> 00:42:26,003
Yeah, I didn't totally buy
that either when I said it.
775
00:42:26,086 --> 00:42:27,629
I just needed, like,
a third example
776
00:42:27,713 --> 00:42:30,674
for the structure
of the speech, so...
777
00:42:30,757 --> 00:42:32,676
You know, you never just...
778
00:42:32,759 --> 00:42:37,180
You never just asked me what my
best Valentine's Day ever was.
779
00:42:37,264 --> 00:42:39,144
I don't want to hear about
some pimple-faced kid
780
00:42:39,182 --> 00:42:41,018
from your boarding school
giving you a hickey.
781
00:42:41,101 --> 00:42:43,395
No, that's not it.
782
00:42:44,771 --> 00:42:46,440
It was a long, long time ago,
783
00:42:46,523 --> 00:42:48,734
when I was alone,
784
00:42:48,817 --> 00:42:51,528
sitting in my cell in
Arkham, feeling like
785
00:42:51,611 --> 00:42:55,699
no one in the
damn world cared about me.
786
00:42:55,782 --> 00:42:57,993
Like, if I disappeared
from the Earth,
787
00:42:58,076 --> 00:42:59,703
it just wouldn't matter.
788
00:42:59,786 --> 00:43:03,165
And then I... I hear
a knock on my cell
789
00:43:03,248 --> 00:43:05,208
and I look up
790
00:43:05,292 --> 00:43:07,878
and I see your face.
791
00:43:07,961 --> 00:43:12,132
You brought me some chocolate milk that
you... you stole from the commissary,
792
00:43:12,215 --> 00:43:14,343
and asked if I
wanted some company.
793
00:43:14,426 --> 00:43:16,970
And I said, "Sure."
794
00:43:17,054 --> 00:43:20,390
And then you described the
entire plot of Shrek 2 to me
795
00:43:20,474 --> 00:43:22,392
because you couldn't
believe I hadn't seen it.
796
00:43:22,476 --> 00:43:24,019
It's not as good
as the first one,
797
00:43:24,102 --> 00:43:25,102
but it's more fun.
798
00:43:25,145 --> 00:43:26,396
You, Harley.
799
00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:30,525
You made me feel
like... like I mattered.
800
00:43:32,611 --> 00:43:35,906
And no one had ever
really done that for me.
801
00:43:37,115 --> 00:43:38,700
So I just... I don't know.
802
00:43:38,784 --> 00:43:40,827
I don't know if that
Valentine's Day can be topped.
803
00:43:40,911 --> 00:43:43,747
- I love you, Ive.
- I love you too, peanut.
804
00:43:47,668 --> 00:43:49,604
The first time we met, we
tried to kill each other.
805
00:43:49,628 --> 00:43:52,672
No, you... you didn't try to
kill me. I tried to kill you.
806
00:43:52,756 --> 00:43:54,424
But then you saved my life.
807
00:43:54,508 --> 00:43:56,819
Well, you were the first person
I met who wasn't a piece of shit.
808
00:43:56,843 --> 00:44:00,263
- So, I was, you know...
- I think another way to say it, is you liked me.
809
00:44:00,347 --> 00:44:02,182
I did. I liked you.
810
00:44:02,265 --> 00:44:05,185
And we became friends.
And then we fell in love.
811
00:44:05,268 --> 00:44:06,913
- And then...
- Sorry, wait. Why are we doing this?
812
00:44:06,937 --> 00:44:08,664
Because everyone knows
all this shit already.
813
00:44:08,688 --> 00:44:10,107
So I'm just trying
to understand.
814
00:44:10,190 --> 00:44:12,085
I think these things need
to be a certain length.
815
00:44:12,109 --> 00:44:13,693
Oh, my God. How do we...
816
00:44:13,777 --> 00:44:15,904
How do we end this fucking shit?
817
00:44:15,987 --> 00:44:17,656
I could recap Shrek 3.
818
00:44:17,739 --> 00:44:19,574
So when King Harold
dies, Shrek learns...
819
00:44:19,658 --> 00:44:21,844
How about we just, like, say
"Happy Valentine's Day" to everyone
820
00:44:21,868 --> 00:44:23,028
and get the fuck out of here?
821
00:44:23,078 --> 00:44:25,205
Happy Valentine's Day!64296
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.