All language subtitles for What We Do in the Shadows s05e09 A Weekend at Morrigan Manor.eng

Says here that sour cream is
on sale over at Shop Mart.

Shut up, Colin Robinson.

Knock, knock.

Guillermo, there's someone
at the door.

No, that was me

just saying, "Knock, knock."

Guillermo, never
mind. It was nobody.

I just came
by to remind everyone

that tonight is my
big art gallery opening

- of all the paintings I've been working on.
- Paintings?

The intoxicating elixir
to the weary mind.

Who is the artist?

I am.

- Tell me more about the sour cream sale, Colin Robinson.
- Wait.

You're all coming, right?
'Cause you did RSVP yes.

Sort of hard to
shuffle things around

at this late stage,
but let us think on it.

This is a really
good book, so...

Okey doke.

You received

a message in the post

from a Perdita Morrigan?

Perdita Morrigan?

- Yeah.
- The Perdita Morrigan?

Who's Perdita Morrigan?

Could you read the note?

- Hurry it up. Let's hear it.
- All right.

"Mrs. Morrigan requests
the pleasure of your company

for a weekend at her
ancestral state Morrigan Manor."

Morrigan Manor, my love!

Perdita Morrigan

is the grand dame of

vampiric high society
in the New World.

Yeah. She's the
matriarch of one of

America's first
vampiric families.

She came over on the Mayflower.

She was there at
the Plymouth Colonies

during the first winter,
when 45 men died.

And 23 of those were murders

committed by Perdita herself.

She just did it...

very quietly, and then
blamed it on the cold weather.

Perdita Morrigan holds
a Met Ball after-party

that is so exclusive,

no one is invited.

I mean, I get it.

This Perdita is some big shot,

but my vampires know how hard

I've been working
on these paintings.

I think they will make
the right decision.

Guillermo, bring the car
around. We are out of here.

All right, here we are.

Wakey-wakey.

Wow, look at this place.

Fan-cy.

I need to realign my chakras.

Oops. Yeah.

That's gonna happen.

It means you're doing it right.

What's with this silly shit?

Is that stuck on?

No, I-I thought I'd grow
it out for the weekend.

Really?

- You can grow a mustache that fast?
- Yeah.

No, I have to shave,
like, three times a day.

Not just my face either.

- Okay.
- Undercarriage, chest, balls...

Ooh! We made it.

Yes, sorry
you had to fly the whole way.

It's just there wasn't really

- any room in the car.
- Yeah.

I think it was almost 200 miles.

- About that.
- Over 200.

I have a treat for you.

I brought the paintings.

I figured if you all couldn't
come to the art opening,

then the art opening
can come to you guys.

Guys?

I get it, you want to
look at them inside. Okay.

Ooh.

Hello?

Perdita? Hello?

A little dingy.

Are you sure the invitation
was for this weekend?

- Yes! She left us a note.
- A note?

It says, "Dear Guests..."

That's us.

"Welcome to Morrigan Manor.

"So sorry not to greet you
in person, but please repair

"to the drawing
room, where I have left

a more personal
message for you."

Well, hello,

my darling guests,
and also greetings.

I beg you, please
excuse my absence,

- but something has come up...
- What?

and I won't be
joining you this weekend.

- Shit.
- But please, do enjoy

all the amenities

my home has to offer...

The fencing gymnasium,

the hunting grounds,
the historic bell tower...

Is it me or is this
chick hella boring?

and of course,
the board games room.

But be warned...

Morrigan Manor can
be a treacherous place.

You must
all watch out for one another,

and take care of each other.

- Yeah.
- You must operate

as the family that you are,

- not as six individuals...
- Six?

who only
look out for themselves.

So, good luck

and ciao-ciao for now.

What a big fat bummer.

But she is known for her
extremely busy social schedule.

Is anyone concerned
about that last part?

About Morrigan Manor
being treacherous?

Not in the slightest. However...

sunrise is approaching.
Perhaps we should slumber

and worry about it later.

Good? -Now you're talking.

- Except for the luggage.
- Good night.

I was kind of hoping you'd
get it unloaded and unpacked,

if you don't mind. ASAP.

- Thank you.
- I should probably get my paintings from the car.

That's okay. I can
grab them for you.

Thank you, Guillermo.
You're so kind.

My first
thought was to "parry."

My second
intention, to "riposte."

It's just my "point-in-line."

That's fencing humor.
You'll get used to it.

- I see you're enjoying the gymnasium?
- Yes.

- What a well-appointed one it is at that.
- Indeed.

Care to go a few
rounds, my friend?

En garde!

What's wrong?

Afraid of a little
friendly competition?

No. I prefer to
practice on my dummy.

Are you sure?

Quite sure.

Okay. Um...

- All right. Have fun.
- Ta-ta.

Where did you come from?

Well, I see sportsmanship
is not your forte.

You need to be taught a lesson.

And then there were two.

Well, I've always been
partial to a threesome.

Shall we dance?

Hey, Laszlo, I thought you
didn't want a fencing partner.

Sorry, can't talk
right now. I have my hands full.

Here, you forgot this.

And you're certain
you don't need my help?

No, I'm in the zone
with these chaps.

Now, where were we?

Yes.

En garde!

Take that!

And that. Ha!

And... that.

Like that, do you?

M�nage � quatre. Why not?

Ho!

A bit of the
rope-a-dope! To here.

Come on, chaps,
this is too easy.

Ha ha!

Is that all you've got?

You what?

Well, I suppose this gives you

what we gentlemen
call a sporting chance.

Watch your fingers.

I learned that in Germany.

That, in Afghanistan.

Yes.

Lovely.

Shit.

So...

the horsies can go
up two and over one?

I don't know how
to play this shit.

I thought you'd know
how to play this shit.

- That's fun.
- -Eesh!

Shades of Bacchus.

Guess what? We got another
message from our hostess.

"My staff has prepared
a traditional hunt

for all of you shortly
after moonrise."

- Ooh.
- "In the meantime,

"please enjoy this art show

of recent oil paintings."

- Perdita wrote that?
- Well,

I added that last bit.

- But I do think you will love these.
- No, I won't...

because I have never
worn those glasses in my life.

Has anyone seen
Laszlo? I can't find him anywhere.

And it's really not like him.

- Laszlo's missing?
- Yeah.

The game is afoot.

You know, this house does
have a belfry filled with local bats.

Maybe Laszlo went up there.

So like my darling
perverted husband,

to sniff out the local bordello

immediately upon arrival.

Could you take me to the belfry?

Of course I can. And
also, before we go,

- would you like to take in?
- You know?

I saw some art last
year. So I'm good.

- This way?
- Okay.

- Your move.
- Yes.

Two at once.

Inspired.

This is the belfry, and
where there's a belfry,

- there's bound to be...
- Bats.

Yes, that is so like my Laszlo.

Laszlo is so lucky to
have someone like you.

Someone who cares about him

and worries about
his well-being.

Well, yes, Laszlo is
not just my husband,

or my number one fuckbuddy,
but he is also my best friend.

Must be nice.

Laszlo, you little pervert,

here I come.

What the fuck is
behind that door?

Let me go first,
to keep you safe.

Be careful.

Nadja, help!

- Yes, I'm coming.
- Help!

Here I come. I'm coming to he...

It was just my eyes
playing tricks on me.

It's nothing.

Nadja, come back up!

Let's look for Laszl...

No.

Hurry, Guillermo.

That horn signifies

the release of the humans.

They're getting a
head start on us.

They must be college athletes.

The most challenging prey.

Did you catch their scent?

- What?
- Lead me.

No. I'm not a bloodhound.

Here. You can catch
their scent from this.

No, I'm not gonna touch that.

Just get your muzzle in
there and get a nice big whiff.

- No.
- You can track them with this.

You know what? How about this?

You wait here,

and I'm gonna go and
you wait for my signal.

- Okay?
- Signal?

Yeah. You wait for it, okay?

- What's the signal?
- You'll see!

Look at him go.

Guy like that catches a
whiff of something musky,

he absolutely will not stop.

Yeah.

I just ran into the woods
and then circled back in

when Nandor wasn't looking.

The key to hunting humans

is to divide and then crush.

If the humans begin
operating in a pack,

they can be very formidable.

But they're usually
too dumb for that

and end up just scattering.

Guillermo?

What have you found?

What a good boy!

I just don't have the
heart to, like, hunt humans.

Yet.

I know I'll have
to do it eventually,

but... I'm just not feeling it.

Guillermo!

Here, boy.

- What the fuck?
- I'm not going to lie.

This is as bad as it looks.

It looks pretty bad.

What are you even
doing all the way out here?

I was looking for you.

Nadja and Laszlo
have disappeared.

You're worrying
about nothing. It's fine.

Okay, let me find a stick,

and I will pry your
leg from the trap.

- A stick, stick, stick, stick, stick.
- No.

- What?
- They're coming.

And they seem to
be working as a team.

Nandor, if you must
leave me behind...

I must. See you.

Bye.

Guillermo! I am in
need of your help!

Guillermo...

Where is everyone?

An intriguing question.

But perhaps one I should
be asking you, no, monsieur?

What are you talking about?

Quite the "predict-ament"

we find ourselves
in here tonight,

no, Guillermo?

Not a soul in sight.
Just you and me.

"And then there were two."

Again, what are
you talking about?

I know it was you, Guillermo.

I know it was you
who lured us all here

under false pretenses.

And it's you who's
making everyone disappear

- one by one.
- What?

That's bananas. Why
would I even do that?

Because you know that Nandor
is eventually gonna find out

that you went and got
yourself turned into a vampire

- by someone other than him.
- Okay.

So, then why not
just kill Nandor?

Why kill everyone else?

Um, because...

we all know your secret.

Okay, so then I kill everyone

because I want to keep
the secret from Nandor,

but then I still
kill Nandor, too?

Well, maybe I missed a clue.

Is it something
where the last person alive

inherits the house?

- No.
- Yeah, well, even when I was saying that,

that didn't really make sense.

Zut alors!

- What happened?
- Now Nandor is gone.

I was caught in a trap and I
told him to leave me behind.

And he did. Like,
really quickly.

Like you would
think he would say,

"No, I'm not going
to leave you behind,"

just to be nice,
but he took off.

And then he got
swooped up into the trees

and I couldn't find him.

And then there were three.

Can I take a look?

It's all right, Guillermo.
I'm a vampire.

- It'll heal by tomorrow.
- You sure?

- Does it hurt?
- Not much.

Let's at least level it up,
see what we're dealing with.

- Careful. Careful.
- All right.

That's a lot of blood.

Thank you for caring.

You know, a small act of
kindness can mean so much.

And every day, we're
given so many opportunities

to be kind to someone else.

You know, to make
them feel included,

to make them feel like
they're part of the old gang.

Doesn't seem like much to ask.

But for some people, I guess

it's just something
they won't do,

even though they should know

it would mean the world
to some other people.

Do you know what
it's like to know

there's a whole group of buddies
and no matter what you do,

they will never see you
as part of that group?

I do.

For all those years,
I was just a familiar.

- I always felt like I...
- I'm sorry, Guillermo.

I wasn't asking you.
I was asking him.

The Celtics won. Noice.

- Colin.
- Yeah.

What? Were you saying something?

Fuck it. These
can't all be clever.

- This way.
- [Nandor

What the hell?

Finally. Quickly.

Someone or something
has imprisoned all of us.

No, you fucking
doughnut. It's her that did it.

- Guilty as charged.
- What?

Tee-hee.

And I see
you're all taking nicely

to your new homes, yes?

Solid silver.

Ay, fucking silver.

Careful.

Well, I'm immune to silver,
so good luck keeping me in.

- Do you have the key?
- Touch�.

What is this despicable
torture that you have concocted?

But I like to think of
it as a lesson, really.

An education.

Did Perdita put you up to this?

Perdita?

You mean...

Morrigan Manor

can be a treacherous place...

et
cetera, et cetera?

- You mean that Perdita?
- Witch.

- Well done.
- It was me the whole time.

Yeah, no doy.

I-I knew when you
shot me from my chair.

- Good.
- Quite a glass onion.

I think Perdita Morrigan

is pretending to be The Guide.

No, you fucking idiot.

She just said that it
was her that was doing it.

- Who?
- Fucking hell.

- Let me just say this slowly.
- I wouldn't bother.

- I'd just carry on.
- Should I not?

No. - Yeah.

I know that Perdita
spends the offseason

at her chalet in Gstaad,

and that her mansion
would be empty.

And the perfect
place to teach you all

a valuable lesson

about the importance
of being nice to people

who maybe aren't
part of your core group

but who have done a
lot of nice things for you

and yet you still
treat them like shit.

Wait, you did all of this

instead of just asking us

to have a short conversation
about your feelings?

- Yeah, I guess I did.
- Okay, I think you taught them a lesson,

- so now we just get them...
- No, Guillermo.

My lesson has but only begun.

You will each

spend the rest of
your eternal lives here.

Close to each other
yet kept at a distance.

So you will know how you have
made me feel this whole time.

Always on the outside.

And every time
I try to get close,

- I get burned.
- I thought

you really liked us.

I did.

Deeply and desperately.

And all I wanted
was for you to like me.

Instead, you treated me like...

an afterthought.

I have got absolutely no really
close female friends anymore.

An annoyance.

Nice going, dipshit.

A hanger-on.

Stand over there and
just pretend not to listen.

I can do that.

An inconvenience.

You did R-S-veep "yes."

Sort of had to shuffle things
around at this late stage.

So this is basically
a clip show now?

Are we Golden Girls?

You know, I'm starting to think

that this might
be all of my fault.

This is the hex that I
have been cursed with.

My dear Mistress Nadja.

I have good news.

There is no hex.

There never was a hex.

I just made you think

- there was a hex.
- What?

- Witch!
- Did not have that

on my 2023 bingo card.

- Why?!
- So that I could try to help you.

So that you
would, I don't know, see me as a friend,

treat me as a friend.

I did say thank you for
your help with the hex.

- Not once.
- I meant to?

- You didn't.
- Thank you so much.

Too late!

Even to the bitter end,

hoping against hope,

I gave each of you one
last chance to show me

the smallest amount of kindness.

And even that was beyond you!

No one told
us it was a fucking test.

W-Wait, why isn't Gumball in here with us?

Because Guillermo is the
only one out of all of you

that has ever shown
me any kindness.

- Brownnoser.
- And yet you all

treat him so shabbily

that even after all this
time of waiting to become

one of you...

he's forced to give up

and take matters
into his own hands.

Sorry, what?

Well, I think, y-you know,

I don't think they
mean to exclude you.

- Guillermo, do not stick up for them.
- I'm not...

Circling back to "taking matters

into his own hands..."

Well, I don't think that's
the point. The point is,

- those paintings are very important.
- Well, it kind of is the point.

Is anyone else
curious about this?

Laszlo?

Nadja? Curiosity there at all?

I-I like this cage.

- Colin Robinson? Any...
- No, sir.

Okay, you
know, it kind of feels like

there's something going
on and everyone knows

what it is except me.

Awkward.

Master.

Yes?

I...

Spit it out.

I made a-a big mistake.

And I didn't want to tell you
because I didn't want to hurt...

you.

I had someone else turn me

into a vampire.

I-I asked them to do it.

Fuck.

You asked...

someone else?

A vampire who was not me?

I felt like I had
no other choice.

You could have asked me.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I asked you
repeatedly for 13 years.

Yes, and I was
gonna get round to it.

I've had a lot on my
plate at the moment!

- Who?
- What?

Who was it?

I don't think that's
really relevant.

- It's relevant to me.
- It's just, what's done is done.

- Guillermo!
- Derek.

Okay.

Well, thank you for
being honest with me.

- Okay.
- I appreciate it.

Now I'm going to
be honest with you.

This is good.

I...

am going...

to kill you,

Guillermo.

And then quite possibly myself.

It all depends

on whether I'm still completely

and utterly humiliated

after I'm done killing you!

Whoa-whoa-whoa,
if it makes you feel any better,

he's only a half-baked vampire.

Yes, I know. He has
Van Helsing blood.

His vampire-killer cells

are fighting off his vampire
cells with all their might.

- Okay. That's what's going on.
- Shit.

- Fuck.
- Another mystery solved.

Well, you live and learn, right?

Master, if you would
just let me talk...

You're a dead man!

Stay back there.
And in the meantime,

where are the
documentarians? Behind me?

There you are. I say,

could you find the tapes

from November the 21st, 2022?

Yeah. I know she
doesn't have, like, a last name

or a first name,
for that matter,

but I-I just think that
The Guide is really nice.

I'd say she's more
than nice, Colin Robinson.

She has a tremendous wit

and a fantastic backside.

That would usually
make me very jealous,

if I didn't completely agree!

And, you know, she's
also a very good listener.

And once you get
used to that voice,

she has some very
interesting things to say.

I have often thought,
as I've searched for a wife,

that the answer might
just be here under my nose

the whole time.

I think that's enough now, Ryan.

You can turn that
off. She gets the point.

Thank you.

That was so lovely.

But how come none of you
ever said any of this to me?

Because we're vampires,

my squeaky-voiced,

fucking berserk,
nutjob, idiot friend.

And sometimes we're not
too good with the old niceties

and kindness towards
those we care about.

But our hearts...

are full of love.

He's not wrong.

I am so embarrassed.

Don't sweat it, girly.
We all make mistakes.

Now let-let me out now.

- Okay. -Come on.
- Here we are.

Forgive and forget,
that's what I say.

Now let me out of this
cage so I can kill Guillermo.

Guess I kind of got in my head

- a little bit. -Yes.
- Yes,

I think you did.

- -Ooh!
- Fuck.

I've never been able to do that.

Now you're just rubbing it in.

Very Derek.

Master, if I let you
out of this cage,

do you promise not to kill me?

I promise.

You mean it?

No!

What are you doing?

I'm giving you a head
start, you knob lord.

Laszlo, let me out of this cage

so I can kill Guillermo!

Give me that key!

If I were you, I'd run.

Run, boy, run!

Guillermo...!

I have often thought, as
I've searched for a wife,

that the answer might
just be here under my nose

- the whole time.
- I know.

She also has such great style.

All those blacks and grays.

I see.

I get it. You guys are...

trying to get me
to hook up with her

and so we become a couple

and I eventually move out
and leave you guys alone.

- I get it. -What?
- What?

- We would never do that.
- Of course not!

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