All language subtitles for S03E05 -The Kink in Foggys Niblick

Right, take your jackets off.

We shall all feel better for a free
flow of air round the old shirt.

Hey, strap's a bit loose.
I know. I'm losing weight.

There. That should be
wide enough for our purposes.

That man! That man!
Take 'em off! Take 'em off!

Oh, glass in the eyes. Yes, I can
just see fragments in the eyeballs.

You can't play in those, you know.
Football is a very physical game.

Not the way I play it.
You'd better take 'em off.

Otherwise he'll have us shot
at dawn for disobeying an order.
It won't be long, anyway.

Can you smell that air? I can feel
it whistling up me... No vulgarity!
Healthy minds in healthy bodies!

At least vulgarity
can be done with your coat on!

We want to get the blood surging,
want some colour in the cheeks,
want somebody in goal...

Why is it you can always see
his little perforations?!

Ohh!
♪ Oh, you'll never walk alone. ♪

I'll keep goal.
I want you to slam them at me unmercifully.

Don't spare me.

Foggy! Watch this!

Foul!

Watch out, Foggy!

Mister, can I have my wellie back?

Oh, shut up!

It's a crude, unpolished game.
It nearly polished THEE off!

It lacks finesse. It's very much
the knock-about sport of the
working classes. What's he on about?

The knock-about sport
of the working classes -
the blonde from Gregson Street.

Trudy Edwards? Ha! He knows her,
tha sees. Only by reputation.

Ah, but what a reputation!

She WAS going out with Tommy Weston.
I hear he's better now.

I was talking about the intrinsic
crudity of the game of football.
Give over, it's pure poetry. Rubbish!

What's your game, then? ..Goff.

Goff?! Well, golf then.

It's a queen of sport - bunkers,
niblicks, birdies, eagles, and a
certain indefinable social prestige.

Tha plays golf... goff?!

All those times you lounged
with a drink in the clubhouse in
St Andrews you never saw me play?

Not even a peekaboo.

Ohh! Ugh! Yeugh! Phah!
What's up now?
It's the same tea as always.

I know. I don't know
how tha does it! Pshaw! Dear!

Neither do I at this price!

Here. Keep this thing
on your wrist. Aw, it's
got all sugar on it. Oi! Careful.

Steady on! The plating'll come off.

That's waterproof!
But is it "Sid's tea-proof"? Oh!

Oh, look. Wear it round your neck.
I can't tell the time under me chin.

Slip your arm out. We're not going
to play football again, are we? No.

Hold your hand out, naughty boy.
Try that. There. You try it there.

Slip your arm out if you want the
time. That way you won't lose it.

It'll keep it out of Sid's tea.

I fought the Third Reich on better.
You nearly lost, though!

We went to school all them years.
We got the three Rs and woodwork.

Nothing on how to fight the Reich!

When have YOU played golf?
I used to play regularly.

It was part of the social life when
I was stationed in the Canal Zone.

You'd have been better off
learning how to swim.

Hey, I didn't know
you had golf courses in the desert.
Oh, yes. It's just one big bunker.

I wouldn't mind reactivating
the old clubs again.

When did tha last play?
Oh, it's like riding a bicycle -
you never forget.

True, elephants and bicycle riders
never forget.

Give a bicycle rider a bun, and 20
years later tweak him on the trunk

and you will hear him trumpeting
with pleasure.

When WAS it you last played?
..September. September?

..1939.

I was set for the Juniors' Cup when
that fool, Hitler, invaded Poland.

He thought he'd lose
the Juniors' Cup!

1939!
You can't call yourself a golfer.

Murder once, you're a murderer
for life. Or you used to be!

Now it's 12 years,
and society's fault.

1939!

I've a set of high-class equipment
up in the attic. Do you know...

I bet the last of the Dewhursts
could still whack a nifty ball.

Couldn't hit it wi' a bargepole!
I've a natural swing.

I know - from the hip, with a
slight touch of the "Hello, sailor".

You can't ruffle
my iron self-control.

I'm prepared to show my aptitude
on any course you choose. Is thee?

It'll be boring. No wonder
Hitler preferred invading Poland.

This afternoon, then. Get a cheap
ticket and make a fool of yourself.

I accept your challenge.
We shall see who looks foolish.

You forget we of the middle classes
take our recreations seriously.

Fool! That hat was made by
the premier hatter of Cleckheaton.

I'm sure they're in here somewhere.

It looks like the den
of the Great Wardrobe Spider!

Hey, Norm, can you smoke up here?
Only your own. I'll wait, then.

See its claw marks?
What? The Great Wardrobe Spider.

You can see where it's lured pieces
of furniture through that door-hole.

After first stinging them
with a bite in the main
arterial dovetail joint.

Aah! Spiderman! No!

Can we get on searching? It's a
half-set in a stout leather bag.

Talking of a stout leather bag,
where's your landlady?

She goes once a week
to have her hair set in concrete.

Most of this stuff is hers.
I should hope so!

My monogram is on
some of the better pieces.

COD? What?
Call for One of the Dewhursts.

Hey, Norm, who was "Gig-li"?
Who was this?

I'm grateful for the usual
high standard of assistance
I've come to expect from you two.

Let Corporal Dewhurst do
all the work. It's my back. Oooh.

Hey-up! She looks like Nora Batty!

Lend us your stays.
My back is something terrible.

Here we go again - the phantom back.

His slipped disc's
cost enough in benefits
to buy a nuclear submarine.

That expression! Don't tell me
THAT ever needed liberating.

That brings back memories
of Mersa Metru. Was that her name?

How many games have been
played on that in the mess?

Quite a number, I would judge.
Going by her expression.

Hey, look what's in here!

Will you come out
of other people's drawers. Ow!

PILLOCK! Me finger! Oh-ho!

You're very nimble on your feet.

Hey, look. Anyone for tennis?

That's just what I want. It won't
go with your wellies. Let us try.

Ah, I knew they were here somewhere.
All right, old clubs,
help is at hand.

Oh, Nora, that is definitely you!

I don't know what to do
about your wooden leg, though.
Never mind, sweetheart,

you SHALL go to the ball. Ta-da!

Ah. Will you stop messing about?

Turn that thing off. Here.
Now then, I'll show you
a trick or two.

Very good, Foggy. We liked
the first trick. Shut up!

You couldn't buy a set of clubs
like this these days, you know.

Fashioned by craftsmen,
these were...

Now...

You know, some fool's had these
near the heat.

D'you think I'd get round with them?
Do it well
and they'll all want one!

The Dales could be full
of the sounds of men
twisting their mashie-niblicks.

There we are, love. There's your
change. Did you enjoy that? Good.
Come again. Tell your friends.

Mind crossing that road, won't you?
Bye-bye.

What's up wi' YOU? You not well?

No sarcasm, please.

Well, all this activity
deserves comment.

Usually, it's like
you've got rigor mortis.

Very humorous, love.
I feared we'd eventually bury you
with your elbow still on the counter.

Clegg says marriage
is two people sharing a bathroom -

like they do in prison!

Still, you've moved briskly before.

There was that occasion you lowered
your idle, fat butt on my hotplate.

I'm just clearing up early.

Oh, this is gonna be good!

Let's hear it, then. Why? Why?

Why? Well... um...

Why be tied to a rigid timetable?
Man's not a machine, he's impulsive.

Sara Gledhill's got
your fingermarks to prove it.
You want every day the same.

But Man will not be confined
by routine.

Gaugin gave a good job up to paint
dusky maidens in the South Pacific.

Hey, he's a mucky devil!
Just something he had to do.

You try laying a paint brush
on Sara Gledhill,
I'll break both your elbows.

It's going to be quiet.
I thought we'd close early.
Oh?

I could take the van
and collect them spuds
you've been wanting from Morris's.

LIAR!

OK, I'm picking Mrs Gledill up,
for a turn in my pleasure waggon.

You're going golfing with them
three. I heard you arrange it!

Go!

Hey-up!

Ohhh... twinges of cramp in the calf.

It's the disability feared most
by all virtuosos of the bicycle.

You were struggling coming uphill.
I almost thought you were going to
get off and walk!

Ay, it was just an idea I had!

Why do we have all the fleshy
padding at the back of the leg

and none where you need it -
on the shin?

Hey! ..Look at this lot.

Fancy being up for municipal rape
and finding that lot on the jury!

Lady golfers!

They say Hitler's bodyguard was
composed of lady golfers. Do they?

Oh, where the hell is he?

I bet he's sneaking a practice
wi' them curly clubs. He wouldn't.

Foggy's wears his cockups on his
sleeve. Here comes the cockup now!

Have you been drinking?
You'll show me up
in front of the Tory Party at play.

Hey-up! It's fancy-dress day.

You'd have thought going that far,
he'd have put a red nose on.

You didn't spend much time choosing
sporting gear. I changed me jacket.

What did you change it for?!
It's my sporting jacket.
I wear it at Doncaster races.

Here! You can carry these.
I want you to hide behind them.

Whenever I look in your direction,
I want to see plenty of golf bag
and very little YOU.

He's made you his caddie. Oh, ta!

He's got to give you a tip.

Gary Player gave his caddie
all his winnings.

HE'S not going to win anything!

If you do it for a penny a stroke,
by the end of the day you'll be
able to pay off the national debt.

How are the greens?

I'm not going to carry
this lot around. Oh!

Watch out! Look what you're doing!
You should have one of them.

Where's big mouth from the cafe?
No point in starting without him.

HE'LL not take a gentleman's word
for the score. What's the time?

Just a moment.

There. Ten past.

Cover that shirt up. What the 'eck!

Will you get off?
You great ninny, you've got me arm
in me pocket, now.

Suppose they think we're related?!
Not a hope.

What're you doing?

Good afternoon.

Keep him out of here.

Don't do anything. Don't say
anything. Take your cue from me.

Sit down there.

Sit down there.

Take that revolting hat off. Now,
while I'm at the bar... don't move.

If you stir, I'll slice
both ears off with a No. 4 iron.

Old chap, what're you drinking?
A pint.

A half! It's not a filling station.

And try not to get froth
all over your face.

You don't get froth on gnat's water!
Keep your voice down!
His voice's rougher than his chin.

Ah, good day to you, steward.
Good day, sir.
Three halves of your ale, please.

One each for us and one for our, er,
caddie, there. Hey-up, Henry Cotton.

If I've got to stay
in this steaming jungle,
can I have a packet of monkey nuts?

He's been a source of embarrassment
to me all day. The humiliation!

All I wanted was a bag of nuts!
SID: You've a bag of clubs instead!

And the Lord appeared and said,
"I am the Lord thy God."

Whereupon they were much displeased,
saying, "Oh, yes?
And what's your handicap, then?"

Look at him! Just LOOK at him.

It's what you'd expect if you tried
to conjure a small evil spirit
at night in an Oxfam shop.

I'll bet there's rabbits round here.

And they're all very house-proud -

every hole's got a little number on.

Pay attention to Foggy when he's
insulting you. You can't insult HIM.

I'm sure you could if you asked him
nicely. If you ask me nicely. Go on!

Take this peppermint and shut up!

Well! What a performance!

Hey-up! I saw a rabbit!

I saw one! Shut up! Over there!

All right, I'll move on, start at
the second. No, don't apologise!

Who's apologising? I'll give this
one a miss. That's very kind of you.

Sorry about this.

That were a buck rabbit!
I swear, it was that big.

That's a pony. What about that big?

You've forgotten your balls, sir.

Balls, sir! And you, sir!

We'll return them
when we pass him on his way back.

They're too expensive to lose.
The shop here pays a shilling for
every one you find. A shilling each?

You can forget that. They're going
straight back to their owner.

A shilling! A shilling each.

It's noticeable how impressed
you've suddenly become
by the game of golf.

How's he going to hit it with that?
Better off with a stick of rhubarb!

Ohh. Yes. Ahem!

Get on with you!

Ah! Gotcha! ..Yes, yes.
There she goes.

Ah, yes... it's all coming back
to me. All right,
keeping the score then, that's 1.

Where's frog face?
Trust him to miss my triumph.
Has he gone after that rabbit?

I shouldn't think so,
not without help. According to him
it was, oh... four foot high.

I'm getting the hang of it - matter
of compensating for the curve.
Of course. Yes.

43.

We won't count that one.

I hit it! It's gone for miles!
You...
Ahem, come on chaps, get up.

Come on. On your feet. Follow me.

Come on, up the fairway.

Look! There it is.

Get your bargain balls here - 4p.
That's all they are.
Here we are, sir, half-a-dozen.

Thank you. You won't buy
balls like this anywhere else.
Only slightly soiled.

You great idiot, you!

You knocked it off!
You've moved my ball!

Are you related to those blasted...

All right, you've made your point.

Only the middle classes
could take THIS seriously.

I'm going before she DOES think I'm
off in my pleasure wagon. Ta-ra.

Any more of you?!

Perhaps we can get on, then.

Drinks are on me, tonight!

All the bars are closed by now,
except in downtown Majorca.

That man! Hold that lamp still.

Dewhurst never gives up.