Original subtitles

So we fold the toasty clothes and put them in a pile.

MACHINE DOOR CLOSES

You put Hippo in the tumble dryer?

MACHINE CLICKS ON

ROSIE LAUGHS

Ooh, silly hippo!

MACHINE OFF

MACHINE ON

No. MACHINE OFF

MACHINE ON AND OFF No.

We don't want Hippo to get sick. ROSIE YELLS

Oh...

MACHINE ON

ROSIE RESUMES YELLING

So then, who would win, Messi or Bobby Firmino?

Messi. Listen, let me save you some time.

It is always going to be Messi.

You may as well say, who's better, Messi or Paul Crap?

Paul Crap? Is he a real player?

Yeah, of course. He played for Arsenal.

He once scored 19 own-goals, all bicycle kicks.

Who's better at football, Rosie or Paul Crap?

Oh, definitely Rosie.

Hello, poppet, did you have a good game?

Yes! Scored two goals, both one-yard thunderbolts.

OK, well, you're definitely going to need a shower.

He was good. Was he? Yeah? Good as you, in your heyday?

Oh, Jesus, it's the Honey Monster!

Oh, do you want a shower too, Rosie?

ROSIE GRUNTS

Ben! Will you be quick? Because Rosie wants a shower too.

ROSIE GRUNTS

Oh, you want a bubble bath.

Oh, Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, let's just have a shower, yeah?

She really does want a bubble bath, and it's your turn.

I've got to cook dinner.

SIGHING All right, all right.

But can you just come up as soon as you can, please, because...

Come on, then, Rosie. Bubbles, bubble, bubble, bubbles!

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING UPSTAIRS

So these sessions will enable you to develop

genuine, lasting relationships with you and your baby,

by helping to build that early framework

for effective communication at home.

And don't worry - as the regulars will tell you,

it's also a lot of fun.

ALL: # I'm a dingle-dangle scarecrow with a flippy-floppy hat

# I can shake my hands like this I can shake my feet instead. #

CHUCKLING

Very good, yeah!

APPLAUSE

I'll see you next week. Bye-bye.

I hope you enjoyed the session.

I have found sing therapy,

it can really reduce tension between you and your baby,

it can help you connect in a loving, purposeful way.

Oh, how old is she? Er, six months.

Ah, that really is a very small baby.

BABY CRIES

Helicopter.

Yes, Ben, it's a helicopter.

Clever boy.

Rosie is small.

I doubt she meant any more than that. She did.

Well, it must have been nice to get out. I hated it.

The other mums didn't know what to say,

it was just visible proof that she was different.

I think my Rosie is beautiful. You just need to give it time.

I'm not going back.

I hated seeing normal children. It made me feel sick.

Now you're just being silly.

Mum, she doesn't smile.

What if she's like this just forever? What if this is it?

ROSIE LAUGHS

More bubbles, more bubbles? OK. Just a little bit more, little bit more.

Bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble!

No, no, no, no more, Rosie, no more.

ROSIE WAILS

Right, OK.

All right, Rosie, calm down, calm down.

No, no, not the shower.

ROSIE SQUEALS No, no. No shower, no shower.

ROSIE WAILS

Oh, all right.

EMILY SIGHS

All right. OK. Time to come out now.

ROSIE SQUEALS Calm down, Rosie, time to get out.

No, no. Out, Rosie.

Come on, time to get out.

ROSIE SQUEALS There you go.

ROSIE MOANS

Si!

ROSIE CRIES

Rosie.

Si!

Rosie... Si!

Oh, Rosie. No, no! Rosie, Rosie.

Si!

Sorry, Em, just doing the dinner.

Si! Can you come up? MUFFLED WAILS

Can you not handle it? I'm just doing the chicken.

No, it's easier with two.

ROSIE SHOUTS

Rosie!

If you get out, if you get out, do you want some Mini Cheddars?

ROSIE RESUMES SQUEALING

OK, OK. Ah.

Come on.

Jeez.

ROSIE CONTINUES MOANING

No, fucking... OK.

This is easy, just let the, let the water out.

SHOWER SPRAYS Argh!

Yeah, I tried that.

This is ridiculous. She's a tiny, tiny nine-year-old girl.

Grab her legs, grab her legs!

ROSIE CRIES OUT

She's really, she's really slippery, I can't, I can't get hold of her.

This is ridiculous.

I'm putting that away.

All right, all right. OK, here she comes, here she comes.

Hup! Argh.

I've got her, I've got her, I've got her. OK.

Good girl, good girl, good girl.

ROSIE SHOUTS

In a way, it's more efficient. We've all had a bath.

You are a bear of very little brain, and long words bother you.

Can you just brush her teeth?

Oh, no, we can both do that. But I've got to put these on.

Oh.

OK, OK. You know, the dentist said when we finally do the hygienist,

she's going to need a general anaesthetic.

That's a professional toothbrusher

insisting on knocking her unconscious.

You've got to have a strategy.

I've started using two brushes.

Come on, Rosie, it's time for a paste.

That's it. That's a good girl. Come on, come on, Rosie, it's only paste.

Come on. You would drink a puddle.

So you bite down on that, and then Mummy can clean in here.

What a clever Mummy.

ROSIE YELLS

Oh, that's it, darling.

Oh.

It's still a two-person job, isn't it?

It'd be impossible to do this on your own.

You just need to think creatively, Si.

ROSIE CONTINUES TO WHIMPER

You don't actually mean impossible, do you?

Yeah, literally impossible.

OK, yeah, but when I have to go in the faculty in the morning,

and you have to get her ready for the bus,

I mean, you brush her teeth then, don't you?

ROSIE YELLS

Oh... It's hard. I usually do it.

Oh, oh... Bad, bad, bad Daddy. Oh, that's it.

The bit at the end of Revenge Of The Sith... Which one's that?

The third one. Is that the one with Dr Spock in?

You know it isn't, and you know it's Mr Spock.

Which one's Thor in? Is that Lord Of The Rings?

So, there's a bit at the end of Revenge Of The Sith

where Yoda decides that baby Luke Skywalker has to live on Tatooine,

and has decided that Obi-Wan is going to go and live in a cave

for 18 years, space-baby-sitting him.

And you can just see in his eyes, he's like,

"Oh, I'm fucking doing this, am I?

"I'm Nanny McFucking-Jedi, not you, you wee green shit!"

Oh, you love sci-fi so much.

I mean, I know you have two kids,

but surely you must still be a virgin?

Are they adopted?

Who would adopt her?

That's the point, you don't get to choose with kids, do you?

I've got one of God's little outtakes,

I've got one from the wonky box. Yeah, well, you wanted another kid.

No.

I ideally wanted a pool table.

Honestly, your first child is a magical, life-changing,

soul-affirming miracle.

The second one's admin.

And so you're Obi-Wan Kenobi in this analogy?

What does he do for the rest of the Star Wars?

Sits in the pub, drinking Peroni, when he should be back at work?

Oh, fuck.

Next Wednesday she wants me to take Rosie to some shit Baby Sing.

I went to an NCT class once. I did not really like it.

I don't think you're supposed to.

What would you know?

Oh, yeah, fair enough. I'm not great with kids.

I had a cactus once that died.

TV: COMPUTER GAME PLAYS

This track's really hard. Mm. It's that boomerang flower.

DOOR CLOSES

Oh, Rosie.

There's Rosie. Rosie?

ROSIE WHIMPERS Uh, no, no.

No, Hippo's not going for a tumble now.

No, Ben needs his games kit drying so we can get it ready for tomorrow.

Come on, sweetie. MACHINE ON

Come on, come on. Up we go, up we go.

Come on. Come on, Rosie.

TV: COMPUTER GAME

You can just play with those.

Have you tried the anti-gravity track? Yeah.

PHONE ALERT

Hiya. Hiya, what are you up to?

Er... TV: TYRES SCREECHING

Just doing some work.

So I'm going to be tied up here for a bit, is that going to be OK?

At the pub? Well, it's still a work thing, you know?

This job's about making contacts.

Yeah, yeah. Say hello to Hels for me.

Well, like you told me, you'll be able to cope on your own, so...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just don't be too late.

Mum?

See you later.

No. Rosie, I said no. Hippo doesn't want to spin round,

Thank God we don't have a cat.

Mum, first rule of the house,

don't mess with Rosie when she isn't making a noise.

I need to dry your football kit. Don't you want to play tomorrow?

No, put that down, Rosie.

You're making everything wet again.

ROSIE MUMBLES

Do you want a shower? Is that it?

I think she wants a bubble bath.

All right, all right, but just don't say that.

Rosie, do you want a bubble bath?

Maybe later.

All right, come on, let's get those wet things off.

Oh...

All right, do you want a bath? Do you want a bath?

ROSIE WHINES

Come on, up we go, good girl.

EMILY SIGHS

No, no. No more bubbles.

ROSIE WHIMPERS

So you've been in there for ages, so you can have five more minutes.

Five. And if you come out nicely, you can have Mini Cheddars.

PHONE ALERT

Hiya.

Hiya. MUSIC IN BACKGROUND

It's really loud where you are. I assume that's not the bus home?

I thought I might stay for a couple more drinks, it's Pete's birthday.

Who's Pete?

He's one of the subs on the magazine, Pete. You know, Pete.

Do you even know Pete's surname?

Kronenbourg.

Oh, Pete Kronenbourg!

Petey boy! Why didn't you say? The subeditor.

That's the fella, yeah.

Yeah...

No, it's fine, it's fine. I'm just giving Rosie a bath.

That's great.

Try not to be too late, though, OK?

And do, you know, give all my love to the Petemeister.

OK. Bye.

SHE SIGHS

Wargh!

Rosie!

Wh...

Speechless. Cross, but impressed, as well.

BABY SQUEAKS

Hi, I'm here for the Baby Sing.

Yes.

Rosie Yates. Oh. Oh, yeah. Of course.

Sorry, I was expecting Rosie's mum.

No, I have to bring her from now on. Oh.

I've been to other things. Ah.

NCT. Well, I went to one. I just figured

I could get the information I needed from Countryfile.

You know, lambing season.

Oh. Well, welcome. SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I hope you and little Rosie have fun.

ALL: # Dem bones, dem bones Dem scary bones

# Dem bones, dem bones Dem scary bones

# Dem bones, dem bones Dem scary bones

# Doing the spooky dance, woo! #

Good. Come on, it's all about positivity.

Remember, your baby will feed off your energy.

Now, who knows where their head is?

And who knows where their shoulders are?

And what about your knees?

ROSIE WHIMPERS

Come on, Rosie, that noise is really annoying.

Come on. Have you got a hurty somewhere?

Eh?

ROSIE CRIES

Do you need a poo? Do you need a poo?

Oh, Jesus Christ!

F...

Whoa!

ROSIE GASPS

I had to invent a new word, it was so big.

It was gimungernormous.

Great.

Honestly, Jocky Wilson would have been proud of that one.

It was almost as big as her.

It was pretty funny. I'm sure it was, Si.

You didn't see it! I had to break it in two to get rid of it.

Can we talk about something else?

It's just about the little moments, though, isn't it?

Just seeing her, lying there, looking up at me...

..I felt a real bond.

It's strange, isn't it? The things that make us fall in love.

That moment is the moment I fell in love with my daughter, Em.

Well, aren't you Sir Fucking Lancelot?

I'm just saying.

Well, I'm...I'm pleased for you, I really am.

OK, Em.

Yeah, I mean,

you cleaned up a poo.

It's probably the first one you've cleaned up, so, you know, well done.

And I'm sure your day out was, was hilarious.

I did take her to Baby Sing because you asked me to.

Hope you had fun, dancing to Incy Wincy Spider.

All right, lighten up. No, seriously brilliant.

Simon loves his daughter.

Great. Maybe we should put an announcement in the paper.

And meanwhile, I'll just get on with doing everything else. Now you're being ridiculous.

Parenting isn't about grand gestures, Si,

it's about turning up, it's about being there all the time, every day, you know?

But fantastic, you bonded with her. Whoop-di-doo.

You know, but it means nothing when you just...

You carry on like the King of Shit Mountain.

I do do stuff.

Oh, please, divorced dads spend more time with their kids.

I have to work, Em, or do you want me to stop working?

Well, I gave up my job, I gave up my body,

I gave up everything for this.

You did that for now, for her, for our daughter.

Well, she doesn't, but she doesn't...

She doesn't feel like my daughter.

It's more like looking after a pet.

A pet with human life expectancy.

How long do you think this goes on for?

It doesn't stop.

It will never stop.

SI SHOUTS: Emily! Shh!

DOOR CLOSES

She's had a busy night.

Hi.

Do you want a beer?

I should just pour it in the bath.

It's quite bubbly.

So you got her out?

Yeah, eventually.

Did you have a good night?

Yeah, it was a fun birthday.

I'm not sure how old Pete Kronenbourg is,

he's either 16 or 64.

You've been waiting to say that all the way home?

I thought of it on the bus.

So it all went in the bath?

Oh, wow, that's fibrological too, that's probably got made-up-a-tropes

and everything in it.

Don't...don't take me on about science, Si,

even pretend science.

That's your Christmas present from Ellie, that's the King Canute cream.

How are you going to hold back the seven signs of ageing now?

Yeah, she squeezed all your fungal foot cream in as well,

so, you know, we all lost out.

Well, you know the cardinal rule of Rosie, if a liquid can be poured,

verily it shall be poured.

Sorry, it must have been quite bad.

No. Do you need a hug?

No, I'm not pissed off, at all, no, it's brilliant.

Brilliant how?

Well, you know like in Jurassic Park, when the raptors outwit

Bob Peck, and you know, "Clever girl", and then they,

they eat him? Yeah?

Well, it's strategy, Si.

So she got out of the bath to get the bubble bath.

Now I just need to turn that to my tactical advantage.

Versus a mentally disabled nine-year-old girl? Mm.

Yeah.

OK, so, UCL, or "I'm silently correcting your grammar"?

Hm. I think superior and pedantic today, thank you.

Have you had that e-mail

about the senior management social next week?

Yeah, I'm gutted, but...

I just, I have to, you know, be at home at 3:30

every day because of Rosie.

No, you're not getting out of it.

It's a working brunch.

A brunch?

What even is that?

What arsehole thought of that?

Tom Watney.

Tom Watney does brunch.

THEY CHUCKLE

I think he's had his teeth whitened.

I was talking to him the other day,

and it was like he'd swallowed a torch.

Who's he trying to impress?

Dear God, let it not be us. Mm.

Hey, what's that?

Are you pitching a new research proposal?

Er, no, it's a schematic of my bathroom.

Why?

You'll love this. Actually, you can help.

So, I think I might be playing up front with Matt and Claire.

Dad, don't. Yes, girls play football.

Ben, please, I'll treat you like an adult if you return

the favour, yeah? I know that girls play football.

All I was going to ask is, does she play left or right side?

And just how much are you in love with Claire?

Oh, my God, are you going to marry her?

You're just embarrassing yourself.

Oh, well, you're the one that's been banging on about Karen for, like, the last ten minutes.

I mentioned her once, and her name is Claire.

See, you can't get her out of your head, you're obsessed.

Just ignore him - the only reason we're married is because I grudgingly said I'd look after him.

It's a bit like that hamster that you brought home from holiday.

Right, Rosie, is it bath time?

ROSIE SQUEALS

But she's not making the noise.

It's all right, I'll do it. One, two three, ee-up!

ROSIE SQUEALS

So have you kissed her?

So, no more bubbles.

Bye-bye, bubbles. Bye-bye. ROSIE GROANS

Bye-bye.

So, Rosie, Mummy's got to go and do something -

in her room.

ROSIE WHINES

Just going out here.

But I need a wee.

QUIETLY: Wait, wait, wait.

But I'm desperate.

Are you OK?

SPLASHING, FOOTSTEPS

Got you! ROSIE SCREAMS

Oh, yes! 1-0 to Mummy!

God, Mum, you only got her out of the bath.

It's not like you rescued her from Mordor. It worked!

ROSIE GROANS

Come on, then. Good idea.

Hello, mate. All right, mate. All good?

Yeah. Nice day for it! Yeah!

Why can't I go in the puddle? That's what Peppa does.

Because we don't have the right shoes for that, do we?

You need wellies to run in puddles.

But why is Rosie allowed to do it, then?

Because Rosie's special.

I mean, you're special, too, but, I mean, she's mentally handicapped.

She's learning-disabled.

Was what I said wrong?

Well, you know...

I just mean, you know that bit at the dragon pit where

The Hound opens the crate and the crazed zombie runs at Cersei...

Aargh! Aargh!

Game Of Thrones. Oh, we don't watch that.

OK, Rosie, I think it's time to go.

Cardinal rule, never mess with Rosie if she isn't making noise.

And I don't want to get my trainers wet. Right, well, we, erm...

better get going.

You've got your work cut out getting her clean, haven't you?

Oh, not my problem.

Hi.

SPLASHING

ROSIE GROANS

OK.

Interesting. You've figured it out.

Do I need to be further away?

Rosie...

Mummy's got to go downstairs now.

OK?

Bye-bye, Rosie.

Just going to go downstairs.

ROSIE GROANS

Just going downstairs.

Bye-bye!

WALKS ON SPOT

ROSIE STOPS GROANING

And I think...

..I need to move these further away,

into our bedroom.

I'm going all the way downstairs.

All the way downstairs...

Rosie.

All the way downstairs.

I'll put these in our bedroom, then.

Just downstairs.

Going downstairs.

Oh, no, I've accidentally signed Paul Crap!

EMILY: Downstairs.

Do it again!

I'm downstairs, Rosie!

I'm here with Daddy and Ben!

Oh, yeah, look, Rosie, Mummy's come to play Fifa.

Do you want to take over Paul Crap, or...?

Mum, have you gone weird again? No.

It's Rosie's bath. I'm using the bubble bath to lure her out,

but I've had to move it further away to give me more time

to get back upstairs. It's like chess.

You're playing bubble chess against Rosie? That's really weird.

No, Ben.

No, I'm just...

I'm finding ways to manage her, that's all.

ROSIE GROANS Was that upstairs?

How did you do that?

Oh!

Oh, Rosie, no.

Oh, thank God, it's not mine.

Oh...

What?!

Night-night, superstar.

Night, mate.

I'm sorry about earlier.

I wasn't trying to...

claim I was a better parent.

It's all right.

I'm sorry, too.

I can do more with the kids.

I'll take her out more.

Come with me.

Look at Rosie.

Isn't she beautiful?

You know what, if we had to do it all over again,

I wouldn't change a thing.

Because whatever's wrong...

I'd want it to be wrong again.

Because if she was different, she wouldn't be Rosie, would she?

Would you?

Would you want to change anything?

Yes.

Yes.

I'd change it all.

Really? You'd want Rosie to be someone else?

It was my worst nightmare, having a learning-disabled child.

And it seems like it's coming true.

Why does it have to be the worst?

Because I'm an intellectual snob?

And because...

Well, because I don't know if I can...

..value her.

Erm...

..you know, I love Ben, with his...

..jigsaws and his puzzle books,

just with...

..all my heart, but I...

I don't know.

I don't know how to love her.

I don't...

You know, it's not that I don't want to love her,

I just don't think I can.

You're overthinking it. Yeah, well, that's what I do.

Yeah, but you know, I mean, she's got you.

You know, and she's got Grandma, she's got the grandparents

and they all love her unconditionally, so, yeah...

you know, she will be loved.

I'm just not sure if it will ever be by me, that's all.

Then what are we doing here, Em?

What is all this to you?

Duty.

Well done.

Checkmate. I mean, you win.

This time.

Erm, I have no idea what sort of contract it is

but I need my phone for work.

Now, I think it's time for paste.

You want me to brush hippo's teeth instead?

Water damage.

I'd say extensive. My daughter put it in the bath.

OK, well, I think we can brush hippo's teeth first,

but you're not getting off that lightly.

Maybe you're not such a bear of little brain.

700 quid?!

I've got some sort of insurance, though, haven't I?

Oh.

Such a good hippo.

It's just that my daughter's really mentally disabled.

Well, it should make a difference.

# She may be the face I can't forget

# A trace of pleasure I'll regret

# Maybe my treasure

# Or the price I'll have to pay

# She may be the song that summer sings

# Maybe the chill that autumn brings

# Maybe a hundred different things... #